08/26: Pictures and Words

People always say that a picture is worth a thousand words. I think it's definitely true, but it also works the other way around. Pictures can portray things in a way beyond what words can describe, but words can also show things that pictures cannot. Some things are better represented through pictures, while others are meant to be left in words so that every reader can paint his/her own picture. Things in life can be abstract or concrete, emotional or physical, and in order to capture its many facets as comprehensively as possible, neither words nor pictures can do the job alone.

I came to this realization while I was in the final stages of designing the current layout of this site - a process that required me to take a trip to the past as I mixed the new layout with each of the old journal and picture pages. While the period of transformation that began in January had prompted me to write what I feel are among the most meaningful entries in the journal, I had refrained from updating the photo album (for reasons quite obvious to those who know me well). It was necessary for me to do so in order to accomplish the goal of reprioritizing my life by first focusing on what's most important. But it was just a phase, and it can't last forever.

Now that the look of this page is all fresh and new, it's time to start updating the actual content, namely the picture section that has been left untouched for over half a year. I've always believed that every picture has a story behind it, and because these pictures reflect a special time in my life, they will always touch my heart in a way far deeper than the images themselves.

Look under Extras -> Update History for the latest updates.

08/23: Dawn of a New Era

Life is a collection of stories, some long and others short, some which have already ended and others which have yet to begin, written by God for His glory and for the good of those who seek His will. Everything in my life, whether easy or difficult, whether pleasant or unpleasant, is a part of God's great masterplan, and only by surrendering my pen to Him did I realize that He could write great stories in my life that I could never have even dreamed of on my own. The way I discovered this beautiful metaphor of life is itself a great story. It all began in high school, when I decided to try building my first website.

Many of my peers were fascinated by being able to have a personal space on the web, and my desperate desire for social acceptance as a teenager prompted me to follow their footsteps and register for a free GeoCities account. But when they all abandoned their websites in favor of blogs and social networking sites, something deep inside told me not to give up what I had already put my heart into. I had been writing journal entries and posting pictures on my website long before online blogging and digital photo albums became popular with my peers, and I simply saw no need to follow the latest online fads just because everyone else was doing so.

The more I think about it, the more I consider myself truly blessed that while my peers were constantly abandoning or deleting old blogs with the slightest hint of emotional instability, I had the courage to follow my heart, even though I didn't know where it would lead me. But God had a plan all along. What started as conformity ultimately led me to discover individuality, and what seemed like stubbornness was actually a glimmer of wisdom. My website, which started as a pointless page that existed simply for the sake of existing, had grown to become a complete and honest account of several years of my life as a high school student in both words and pictures, with every entry left unaltered once written and posted. And through it I came to realize that everything in my life, even the most difficult times, can be used by God to shape me according to His will. It was truly a blessing, something that few, if any, of my peers had.

During my first year in college, I had an important decision to make. My website had become so large that I could no longer manage it under its complex network of dozens of free accounts. I had to either give it up or find for it a new home. It was then that I looked back at all my old photos and journal entries and began to understand life as a collection of stories. I came to realize that my site was not just a hobby or a way to express myself, but a unique gift from God to teach me valuable lessons about life. After having already committed to it for several years, how could I possibly give up something so precious? I made my decision, and in August 2004, calvinchang.net was born.

I find it very hard to believe that six years have already passed since the day this site was launched on its own domain. And not once did I find myself regretting my seemingly illogical decision to follow my heart. Earlier this year, while going through a period of time characterized by changing my lifestyle and shifting my priorities, I realized it was a perfect opportunity to create a replacement site for the aging design. Each version of this site has, in one way or another, reflected my life during its time, and because the previous version was made back in my early college years and much has changed in my life since then, it only makes sense for the site to reflect those changes. This latest version blends traces of previous designs with a more modern look. Its fusion of smooth and rough edges and its blend of simplicity and sophistication symbolize the diverse elements of my life which I have entrusted to God.

This site may be named after me, but in reality it's not about me at all. I often read my past journal entries and remember the great stories God has written in my life. I often look at old photos and am reminded of the many memorable events that have taken place in my life throughout the years. And all these things prompt me to worship God because of who He is and all that He has done. It was He who wrote each and every one of my life stories, and it is because of Him that I can stand and face the many difficult situations in life with joy and hope. Every aspect of my life - my family, my career, my friends, my future, and everything else - is in God's hands, and only He knows what stories will be written on the pages of this website in the years to come. I pray that this new site will continue to reflect my wish to remember the past, embrace the present, and welcome the future as I live my life as a celebration of God's unfailing love.

8/20: TJ #54 - Change

It was there since the very beginning. From the moment I was born, change was taking place in my life. I interacted with countless people and faced countless circumstances, all of which played a crucial role in shaping me. Everything I see, hear, and say changes me in subtle but important ways. Whether we desire change or despise it, there is no doubt that it is always, inevitably, a part of our lives.

It's funny, then, to think how much we humans crave a lifestyle that involves as little change as possible. In high school, many of us were somehow convinced that upon going to a good universtiy, everything would flow smoothly from there - we would get our degrees, make our parents proud, find a stable and well-paying job, and live happily ever after. Then we discovered that college really wasn't as different from high school as we expected it to be, other than the fact that we were older and had a little more freedom. The seemingly immature high school emotional dramas that we thought we would naturally outgrow still haunted our social polygons. People still stressed day and night about academics, and those worries only became greater as graduation came closer and we were still not sure about what to do with our lives. How many of us, back in high school, knew that we would have to take tests just like the SAT's to get into grad school?

After college, many of my friends went to pursue a higher education while others searched for job opportunities or took a year off to relax. I have always considered it a blessing to still be a part of the lives of these friends and walk with them through whatever paths they have chosen to take. But I realized that even though some of us seem to be doing better than others in one way or another, one thing remains the same - not a single one of us has completely satisfied our teenage desires of growing up to live a perfect post-college life. People in grad school complain about how difficult it is. People with jobs struggle with meeting employers' expectations. Then we have financial problems, health issues, and all kinds of other circumstances that make the road of life ever so rough. There are always new challenges to face and new situations beyond our control. No matter how old we are, the world is always changing, and we will always be changing too. While much of our high school daydreams were rooted in parental desires and peer pressure, now we're old enough to make decisions for ourselves, and deep inside we know without doubt that nothing in this world can give us one hundred percent lasting satisfaction. Let's be honest with ourselves - we are imperfect people living in an imperfect world, and as long as we remain on this side of eternity, there will always be room to change. Our emotions change. Our circumstances change. The people around us change. Sometimes we change because we want to, and other times we change because we have no other option. No matter how we choose to define success, there is nothing we can do to block change from our lives.

Sometimes I find myself so frustrated with endless changes beyond my control that life as a whole suddenly seems aimless and hopeless. But it is during those times that I'm reminded that God's masterplan is so much bigger than what I can see and comprehend. Unlike the things in this world, God's love is unchanging (James 1:17). And that's definitely a good thing. This world changes because it is flawed. We change because there is a huge gap between our imperfect nature and the glory of God who created us in His image. Even though Jesus died for our sins on the cross and gave us direct access to God, we are still in a constant battle to be more and more like Him. God is perfect, and so He doesn't need to change. And He promises that all things will work for the good of those who seek Him (Romans 8:28). God has a purpose for everything, including all the changes that take place in our lives. Through change, God helps us grow from experience. Through change, God teaches us to be humble and let Him take control. Through change, our eyes begin to open and we can see that life is indeed a blessing and a miracle. The decision is ours - We can't stop change from taking place, but we do have a choice to turn the changes in our lives into something beneficial and purposeful.

I'm very glad to say that I've made that choice. At the beginning of this year, I realized not only that there were many ways in which I needed to change, but also that those changes would ultimately make my life more in line with God's will, giving Him glory and giving me deeper satisfaction as a result. Those changes didn't come about easily though; it took a lot of anger, bitterness, and discontent before I finally realized things couldn't go on any longer the way they were. Little did I know, though, that what I had thought would be a temporary period of transformation would eventually become a lifestyle. The more I changed with the intention of giving God glory, the more I saw my many weaknesses contrasted with His holiness. And the more I realized just how much I love Him and need Him, the more I was prompted to change. There are countless things in my personality, my relationships, my faith, my family, my job, and just about every other aspect of my life that are flawed and in need of change. And even though change is often difficult to accept, I must always remember that each time of change can bring me one step closer to God, who is unchanging because He is perfect.

Change was with me from the beginning, and as long as I live, it will always be a part of me. Sometimes I will have to forcefully discipline myself to change just because I know it's the right thing to do. Sometimes change will come on its own, and I will have to surrender control to God and let Him use it to shape me according to His plan. God was, is, and always will be (Revelation 1:8). His love never changes, and because of that my life has a purpose, and the countless changes taking place in me and around me have become meaningful. In the end, there's nothing more satisfying in this world than knowing that the God of all creation loves me personally and is actively involved in shaping me according to His perfect will. I simply can't ask for anything more. As I continue to face the countless changes in my life now and those that will come in the future, I pray that through God I may find strength to not only accept change, but to embrace it, knowing that each change is another opportunity to put my faith in God and let Him write a great story in my life.

08/14: ClayMusic "Faith" Album Release Concert

Even though it's almost 2:00 in the morning, I know that my chances of being able to fall asleep now are slim. That's how it usually is after playing for a big concert, not to mention the first event for Clay Music's new album "Faith". Thanks to everyone who came to the concert tonight. And thanks especially to everyone who worked so hard behind the scenes to set up and take down everything. Based on the size of the crowd, we could easily start wishing that we had chosen to have this concert at a bigger venue. But the fact that GCCI has so many volunteers ready to help us with just about every aspect of the event leaves us with no regret that we couldn't have picked a better place to be tonight.

From the very beginning, God has blessed Clay Music in all kinds of amazing ways. A lot of those blessings come in the form of last-minute curveballs that leave us with no option but to quit complaining and trust Him. After all, our music would not exist if it weren't for the great new of Jesus Christ that inspired every song. We do our best to perform at a professional level, but even so, God constantly reminds us that it's not about us. And I thank God for those reminders, because as a performer it's way too easy to get caught off guard and start soaking up all the glory for myself. We've performed for audiences of thousands before, and after being asked to take pictures and sign autographs many times, I admit that I had often found myself performing with the wrong motives. But the only way for God to expand our ministry is through our willingness to be increasingly humble and obedient to His will, and through His guidance I've come to realize that performing to please the crowd will only leave me feeling a greater need for attention and affirmation. I now do my best to perform for God's glory, knowing that He has blessed me with talent in music to be used for His purposes. And I can confidently say that tonight's concert would not have been nearly as successful had we not trusted God to be in charge of it.

What people in the audience didn't know is that just minutes before they came inside, we really weren't even sure if the concert could happen or not. Even aside from the expected myriad of technical difficulties to resolve, problems were popping up left and right. While rehearsing in the afternoon, the projector stopped working and needed to be repaired. A brother who volunteered to buy some food for us ended up stuck on the road with a flat tire in need of help. Amazingly enough, one member of our team is a handyman, and after some research he figured out how to fix the projector. Another team member is an auto mechanic, and he took care of the flat tire in no time. About fifteen minutes before the concert was supposed to start, the power blew out on half the stage, sending everyone into chaos, since we wouldn't be able to perform at all if the power outlets didn't work. But it was through all these things that God reminded us once again that the concert was supposed to be about Him, not about us. Those who weren't able to help fix the problem immediately gathered to pray with the little time we had left, and even though the power problem forced us to make a small sacrifice in the form of a pair of stage lights, all the instruments and other stage equipment were back in working order just in time as people began to be seated.

A few of us just finished enjoying a small after-concert dinner, during which we talked about a lot of the things that happened before and during the concert. Surely all the problems that took place were not coincidental, and surely God has proven Himself faithful each time. In fact, because of all these problems, we were able to proclaim the theme of this new album, "Faith", with full confidence as firsthand witnesses to the power of faith in God. Every one of Jesus' miracles on earth first required some form of sacrifice, whether it was a material donation or a leap of faith. The fact that we had to take so many leaps of faith before the concert only served to make it even more clear that God was going to use us to do something amazing. And there's really nothing more amazing in a concert than knowing that the God of the whole universe has blessed us with so many gifts and talents and is able to use us to expand His kingdom. By the power of God working through us, many people in the audience gave their lives to Christ for the first time or were encouraged to live as more faithful Christians. That's really what our concerts are all about, and with that in mind tonight's event was definitely a great success. I pray that God will continue to teach everyone on our team to serve Him with faithful and worshipful hearts, whether onstage or offstage. And I pray that God will nurture the seeds planted in the hearts of those who were blessed through the concert tonight. I thank God for all that He has done for us and through us tonight, and I look forward to the amazing things He will continue to do with our ministry in the future.

08/11: This is the week during which any exotic car spotting in Southern California should prompt me to ask the owner "why are you not in Monterey??" I've never experienced the famous "car week" festivities in person, but hopefully someday I will. Heck, if I came up with the idea sooner, I would have seriously considered taking the week off work to go up north, not only for cars but also to visit my Nor-Cal friends. But it's a little too late now. Thankfully, though, last weekend I had the chance to treat myself to my own share of car-spotting fun as a way to comfort myself for being here while just about every hardcore car fanatic is on the other end of California.

It all started when I was invited to play piano for a wedding. Turned out that wedding would take place at none other than the amazing Montage Beverly Hills. That meant I had to drive there on Friday for the rehearsal and again on Sunday for the wedding. Perfecto. The short hour of spotting on Friday had a surprisingly diverse turnout - a Ferrari 458, a Carrera GT, an SLR McLaren, a Panther Kallista, a RR Phantom Coupe, a Viper, and more - basically a little something from every major exotic brand. (Yes, Bijan's Bugatti was there too). But it was Sunday's adventure that truly set a new standard for Rodeo Drive.

It was already strange enough for me to actually set foot inside the Montage; after several dozen spotting trips, I've come to see the Golden Triangle as somewhat of a video game map, meaning even though every street and alley is a potential combat zone, the buildings are just big rectangular polygons with doors drawn on them for decoration. At least that's how video games were back in my day. Just as I was slowly getting used to a glimpse of high-class life while playing piano on the terrace of the Montage, the wedding ended, and it was time to make a quick transition from suit-and-tie wedding pianist back to kid-on-a-scooter car freak. And with street parking free on Sundays, I was able to treat myself to a nice three-and-a-half-hour adventure that helped wipe away most of my Monterey jealousy.

07/31: TJ #53 - A Party from the Heart

While Jesus could have kicked off his ministry by preaching about God or teaching people to pray, he instead attended a wedding, during which he performed his first miracle - turning several jars of water into choice wine for the guests to drink (John 2:1-11). It's funny how so many Christians today think people are sinning just because they take one sip of alcohol. At the same time, there are also too many Christians who are so busy enjoying good lives that they forget to keep their focus on God. Drinking is not a sin, as long as it isn't excessive, and neither is wanting to be happy and enjoy life. But while Jesus definitely helped the wedding guests have a good time, his miracle also showed those who witnessed it a glimpse of God's glory. Jesus genuinely cared about the little details of earthly life, but even more importantly he did everything as an act of worship to God.

It's late at night now, and I just finished cleaning everything up after an incredible barbecue party. In the past, my "annual" parties have reached epic proportions, and I still believe that God had used those times to remind me of how blessed my family is to have a house and yard capable of such large gatherings. In fact, a few years ago I found myself uncontrollably in tears in front of my mom and my sister after hosting a big party, simply because I realized just how much God had blessed us with. But even so, God is always one step ahead of me, choosing to fulfill the needs of my heart above my surface-level desires. And I knew all along that if I were to host another barbecue party this year, it would have to be done very differently than previous parties were.

As some of my closer friends know, it took a lot of struggling for me to eventually decide to let this party happen. Aside from being busy, I was also aware of some difficult and uncontrollable circumstances that have been affecting me and many people close to me. That's why I skipped the chance to have the usual party on Independence Day weekend. But the truth is that there were also many internal struggles I had to face first before throwing a party, and it took me this long to finally believe that I was ready.

As some people know, this year has brought about many major changes in my life. And those changes caused me to seriously think about basically every aspect of my life, including my motives behind hosting parties. Am I inviting people over to draw attention to myself or to let people have a good time? Am I doing it to show off what I'm able to pull off or to serve the guests sincerely? Those questions bothered me for a very long time, because I knew that my past goals for parties were not all pure. I wanted as many people as possible to come so I could feel good about myself. I wanted people to have a good time so I could feel loved and appreciated. Now I know, and try hard to frequently remind myself, that there's so much more to life than just me. And that's why I didn't confirm whether or not this year's barbecue party would happen until less than a week ago. But when I finally announced my decision, deep inside I also made a greater decision - there was only one thing I wanted to accomplish from this party, and that was to give God glory by partying straight from the heart.

To be honest, at first I didn't really know what it meant for me to throw a party straight from the heart. But I knew that if God cares even for something as seemingly insignificant as wine at a wedding, then surely I should do my best to approach the party with a genuine and worshipful heart. As the date came closer, I slowly began to understand. Straight from the heart meant that the celebration began not after the guests arrived, but from the very moment I began planning and preparing. It meant that I had to be generous and maintain a positive attitude as I ran from market to market purchasing all the food and supplies, treating each purchase as a gift to my friends. Straight from the heart meant that it's not all about me. In fact, I shouldn't expect it to be about me at all. If this party was truly going to be my gift of appreciation to people I love, then I should give without expecting to be noticed, thanked, or given anything in return. Straight from the heart meant that I must humble myself and be a servant. Even Jesus, when he fed the five thousand, didn't try to draw attention to himself (Matthew 14:15-23). And is he not the same God who provided me with the financial and physical means to serve my friends?

Just yesterday, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed by all the preparation I had to do, and in the middle of my frustration I realized that I had not yet spent quality time praying to God since the previous day. I began to think to myself that perhaps I was so busy that I didn't have any time to pray. Surely God could forgive me for putting Him on hold during such a busy day, right? Then suddenly it all became clear to me. I was not too busy to pray; I was too busy to not pray. How was it that, when I was feeling overwhelmed by having so much to do in so little time, I was purposely choosing to neglect the God to whom a thousand years is like a day (Psalm 90:4)? Why was I piling so many burdens onto my own shoulders when God was right beside me ready to demonstrate His faithfulness? When I was feeling busy and stressed, it was then that I needed God the most. I was depending too much on my own abilities, and in the end I was not only failing to trust God, but also hurting myself. Upon that realization, I forced myself to put down all my work and get on my knees. And throughout the rest of the many hours I spent preparing for the party, I made sure to frequently stop to make sure my heart was in the right place. In fact, I forced myself to take time to pray for just about every aspect of the party, from the preparation of the food to the well-being of each guest and the activities and conversations that would take place throughout the evening. It may seem a little excessive to pray so much just for a barbecue party, but if I wanted to appreciate my friends by serving them and spending time with them, how much more should I make an effort to show my appreciation to God? Even Jesus, who had all of God's power and attracted crowds wherever he went, had to frequently retreat from the busyness of life to secure his focus on God. How much more should I learn to fix my heart on Him so that I could truly worship Him even while hosting a party?

This year's barbecue party did in fact turn out very different from those of previous years. There were no mass invitations sent to dozens of people. The party was kept small in order to focus on maintaining quality. After all, why have a large number of people come if I end up so overwhelmed that I have no time to talk with them? There was no one I was trying to please other than God, and I knew that God looked at my heart. I invited friends both from church and from school, and did so with the sole intention of showing them my appreciation. And I was able to spend quality time with them while still taking care of my necessary duties as a host. In the end, everyone had a great time, and no one was excessively tired. My heart is filled with joy and peace, because I know that I've done my best, not only on the surface but also deep inside.

I know that I'm nowhere near perfect and have plenty of room room to improve. But I really believe that God had heard my prayers and was there among us as we enjoyed the food and fellowship with one another. I've always believed that because God loves relationships and is the author of each of our life stories, He has a reason for letting people's lives cross paths with one another. Tonight, new friendships were formed and old friendships were strengthened. I was once again able to see that God has truly blessed me, not only with the means to host the party, but also with the great people in my life that mean so much to me. I want to thank everyone who contributed to tonight's party, whether through helping with preparations, cooking and serving the food, or simply being there to enjoy it all. One thing I've always loved about hosting these barbecue parties is that when people try to thank me, I can honestly say that I have no right to claim the spotlight. Events like this clearly demonstrate the power of teamwork, because it would have been impossible for me make it happen by myself. In the end, everyone feels the need to appreciate and encourage one another, and I truly believe that our sincere attitudes of appreciation toward one another are acts of worship to God. My only regret is that I wasn't able to invite everyone that I wanted to invite, simply because I was far too busy to make so many phone calls. But I'm sure God has a plan for everything, and based on the way things turned out, I'm quite certain there will be more parties like this in the future.

07/26: TJ #52 - Optimistic Realism

Recently I got to talk with a friend who was going through an unpleasant situation beyond his control, and when I asked him how he felt about it, he answered with a sigh that he was "praying for the best and expecting the worst". His words really made me think. I understand that the idea of praying while expecting the worst is self-contradicting, because prayer is based on faith in God, and God's will is the absolute opposite of "the worst". But still I find it difficult to surrender my will to God and not be at least a little pessimistic about the possibility of things not turning out as I want them to. While I was quick to catch the flaw in my friend's statement, the reason his words stood out to me was that they concisely sum up much of my greatest internal struggles regarding my faith in God.

As I've come to see in just about all of my struggles, the problem isn't God, but me. I know that God's plan for my life is better than my own, but still I have trouble letting go so He can take control. I know that God has a happy ending in mind for every hardship I go through, but still I find it hard to maintain a positive attitude during times of uncertainty. How can I hope for something good, not to mention expect something good, when I know that there's a big chance I'll end up disappointed? It's happened way too many times. My hope only makes me feel more hopeless, and my expectations end up making me afraid to expect anything more outside the realm of mere wishful thinking. With all the problems around me, it only seems natural for me to conclude that life sucks and accept that as truth. No wonder so many people today use realism as a defense for pessimism.

But being a true Christian means that my life should be characterized by love, joy, and peace (Galatians 5:22), right? How, then, can I conquer this problem of praying for the best but expecting the worst? Last week I read an excerpt by Randy Alcorn that gave me a great answer. Christians are "first a realist and then an optimist. In other words, the Christian is not optimistic because it is the most advantageous way to think but because it is the accurate way to think. The Christian's optimism is based squarely on realism: God is real, the atonement is real, the resurrection is real, the second coming is real, God's providence is real, and the gospel really is "good news" ". The problem behind my struggle with trying to be optimistic is not that I'm not trying hard enough, but rather that I'm focusing more on my problems than on God's ability to take care of them. Life in this world will always be full of things that don't go as I want them to, and if I choose to let my fear of frustration saturate my mind, then it's only natural that I find it hard to keep a positive attitude. But I praise God, because there's so much more to life than what this world has to offer. As Christians, we understand the consequences of our sins and God's great love for us that prompted Him to send Jesus to pay the price. We are children of the God of the whole universe, and one day we will be with Him in heaven!

That's where the optimism comes in. And if we truly believe in the gospel (which literally means "good news") of Jesus Christ, then our optimism should be rooted in realism as Alcorn describes. God is God, no matter if we're in heaven or on earth. The only difference is us - our tendency to make all sorts of idols on earth that disappoint us in the long run because the satisfaction they bring is only temporary. My strong desire for everything in my life to be in my control is clearly an idol to make me feel powerful and successful. There's nothing wrong with having opinions, preferences, and expectations, but when God jumps right in between me and my desires to see if I still remember who's the one really in charge, it is then that my true motives are put to the test and revealed. My focus should be on neither letting things go my way nor letting God change my plans. It's not about the plans at all. Why gamble my hopes and expectations on circumstances with no guarantee when God is clearly in control of all things? What matters most is having faith that God loves me unconditionally and has an amazing plan for my life, whether I understand it or not. And by focusing on such great news rather than on all the crazy details of my life, I begin to see more and more the real beauty and joy of being a Christian.

Even just from reflecting on these words as I write them, I feel like I've gained a desperately needed dose of optimism from God. And because that optimism is based on truth, it transcends all the fears, frustrations, and struggles I face in this world, giving me hope for the future and strength to face difficult times. When Joshua and Caleb went to explore the Promised Land and saw giants there that they would have to fight, they were not afraid because they knew that God would grant them victory if it pleased Him (Numbers 13-14). Even when Jesus hung innocently on the cross, he focused not on his pain or the fact that he did nothing wrong to deserve his punishment, but rather on glorifying God through fulfilling His purpose. Life on earth will always involve suffering, and as much as we hate to admit it, there's nothing we can do to prevent it. But I must let my heart be rooted in the beautiful truth of the gospel, so that when difficult situations arise, I can remain standing by the strength of Christ, knowing undoubtedly that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28). Optimism enables me to believe in myself and turn my life into more than what I think is possible, but only when it is based on truth can I be optimistic without being afraid of messing up or facing things beyond my control. This is a very difficult lesson to learn, and I know that I will continue to make the foolish mistakes of fighting God for control over my life and getting frustrated just because things don't go as I plan. But I pray that during those times, these words can be a reminder to myself that God is truly good and His love never fails. When I pray, I should not only pray for the best, but also expect the best. And because I know just how great this hope is that I have in Christ, the best thing to ask God for is simply that He continues to be Himself and write my life stories according to His will.

07/25: Summer BBQ Party

It's that time of the year again. After much hesitation and struggling with things beyond my control, I decided that this summer simply won't be the same without throwing a nice BBQ party. So come join me this Saturday for an evening of great food and fellowship. We're making the party significantly smaller this year for various reasons, but if you're reading this, then here is your invitation. Just RSVP by no later than Wednesday, and let me know if you're bringing any friends, so I can know how much food to prepare.

A lot of people seem confused about why I'm having a party when it's neither a holiday nor my birthday. Who says every party must have a special occasion? The only occasion here is a nice midsummer evening and a good chance to do a little something for my friends to show my appreciation for them. If God placed so many wonderful people in my life, isn't that something worth celebrating?

Summer Barbecue Party
Saturday, July 31, 2010 / 5:00 PM
Walnut, CA (ask me for address)

Hope to see you there!

07/25: Super Saturday

When I look at myself in the mirror and see my bright red sunburns mixed with my already yellow Asian skin, I find it hard to put on one of my many UCLA Bruins shirts and not feel slightly hypocritical. Many people saw me at church today and asked me if I went to the beach. No, I didn't go to the beach. In fact, all of that sunburning action took place right here in Walnut. It's funny how every time Hing Wa Lee throws an exotic car party, random people will tell me afterwards that they saw some crazy cars in Walnut and it made them think of me. Those people definitely know me very well. In fact, they knew me so well that they didn't even bother calling me to inform me of the event, assuming I would already know about it. And yep, I was right there in the middle of it all, from before the first car arrived until after the party ended.

For some reason, HWL never officially announces its annual exotic car events until just a few days before it happens. It seems to me like they're simply trying to put on a good show by confirming that certain rich people with nice cars would be able to attend first. And besides, most organizers of events like this tend to prefer keeping things low key when it comes to spectators. Thanks to my connections with certain groups of people in the upper tax bracket, I was able to know the date before it was publicly announced. And thanks to Hing Wa Lee's insane connections, this year they have truly outdone themselves with what was probably the single most epic exotic car gathering in the history of the city of Walnut.

If I had to sum up the event in one word, it would be "super". And it's not just super because there was a Rapide, two RR Ghosts, 9 Ferraris and a dozen Lamborghinis. By "super", I'm referring to a Continental Supersports, a 575 Superamerica, and two Gallardo Superleggeras. Oh, and one of those Superleggeras happened to be the new not-even-for-sale-yet LP570-4 Superleggera. And if you think that's as crazy as a Gallardo gets, there was also a Gallardo Super Trofeo race car. It doesn't get more super than that. I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

07/19: I woke up this morning to find the battery in my car dead. Fortunately, my mom didn't need her car when I had work. When it came time for me to figure out how to solve the problem, I decided to attempt to save a few bucks by getting the new battery and installing it myself. Anyone who's done it before knows that it's not exactly a difficult task. But I must admit I'm the kind of person that has absolutely no talent when it comes to fixing things. Maybe it's because I grew up without a father figure to learn from. Just about every attempt I make at helping my family save money by making repairs myself only ends up making things worse - and more expensive. But I've always loved cars, and so I've always wanted to learn at least some basics about car maintenance. And as stupid as it may sound, today I can finally say that I officially know how to change a car battery. At least it's working fine so far. I guess I'll find out for sure tomorrow after driving to Arcadia (to teach) and back.

There are people like me who love cars but try my best to save money, and there are others who are so dang rich that they can own any car(s) they want and never have to stress about maintenance bills that cost more than most people's cars. Speaking of the latter group, I just received some very exciting news about an upcoming event in which a bunch of supermegaultrablingblingchachillionaires are going to bring out their latest rides. Sure, such events happen on a weekly basis in some places (Supercar Sunday, Cars & Coffee, etc). But this is gonna be a special one. To all you exotic car fans out there, don't say I didn't tell you - this Saturday, forget about Beverly Hills and Cars & Coffee, because the place you'll want to be is... right here in good ol' Walnut!

Yep, you guys know what I'm talking about. And so far, the lineup already includes several cars that are barely even on sale yet. I won't spoil the surprise here, but it got me so excited that while I was talking on the phone with Rushi about it earlier, I kicked the cup of coffee sitting next to my desk and spilled it all over the place. If everything goes as planned, this Saturday I will be more proud to live in Walnut than ever before. And even if my car's battery fails again that morning, I can always walk. After all, it's only a few minutes away!

07/18: To summarize yesterday's amazing adventure in the O.C. in one big long sentence - After waking up at 5:00AM(!), I met up with Rushi for an epic morning at Cars & Coffee, followed by a spotting session in Newport Beach and lunch at Fashion Island, then I returned to shoot at PCH for an hour, then met up with Victoria and her friends at Irvine Spectrum to hang out, watch "Despicable Me", and enjoy dinner at Yardhouse. Wow, what a day. At around 2:00, I felt like I already did so much that I could have sworn the day was about to end already. But no, it was barely halfway over. And thanks to a nonstop chain of exciting activities, not once did I feel too tired to continue having fun until it was time to go home at night. The craziest thing is that this trip literally planned itself the evening before it happened. Rushi called me, and upon realizing we both had no plans for Saturday, we decided to head down to C&C and hang out in that area afterwards. A few minutes after that, Victoria called out of the blue wondering if I happened to want to go to Irvine to join her and her gang for the movie, not knowing I would already be there. What are the chances? I remember once being obsessed with planning "area trips", holding tightly onto the mentality that if I had to drive somewhere relatively far then I had to make a bunch of plans with a bunch of people in that area to make the most out of my time there. While I still value efficiency, I've come to understand that love and passion should have a higher priority; even just to do a single activity or see a single person, if I truly desire it from my heart, then it alone should justify the sacrifices I must make for it. I had no problem driving down to C&C just for the sake of going to C&C. Then everything else - the people, the food, the Minions... - all came into place, and wow, what an incredible adventure.

Now about those cars... I had never really gone spotting in Newport Beach before, and now I know how much I had been missing out. Other than the fact that PCH is a huge street and it's hard to catch cars in the opposite direction, the overall experience is just like Beverly Hills, but with a much more beach-like atmosphere. Highlights include a Morgan, an LP640 Roadster, a DBS, and a Maybach 62S. And the parking lot at Fashion Island had a good 8 or 9 exotics - at the same time. But for the sake of time, I'll focus on Cars & Coffee here, because the turnout was definitely quite epic.

As with the previous trip to C&C, I compiled a 10-car hitlist, hoping to catch at least one of the cars on the list. And as with the previous hitlist (which failed miserably), this one consists primarily of cars that have either appeared at C&C before or have a good chance of showing up.

Main Hitlist:
-Alfa Romeo 8C Spider
-Aston Martin Rapide
-Bentley Continental Supersports
-Dodge Viper SRT-10 ACR
-Ferrari 458 Italia
-Lamborghini Gallardo Valentino Balboni
-Lamborghini Murcielago SV
-Lamborghini Reventon
-Nissan Skyline R33 GT-R
-Porsche 997 GT3 (new version)

And, just for fun, I also included four additional classics that I want to see, all of which have shown up recently at C&C at least once.
-Nissan Skyline GT-R Classic
-Rolls-Royce - any antique model I haven't shot before
-Toyota 2000GT
-Tucker '48 Sedan

Waking up at 5AM is never easy, even if it's for something I love. But the very moment I stepped into the C&C parking lot, I knew it would be a good day. I had just finished reciting my hitlist to Rushi when a Viper ACR pulled in. And I had barely finished taking pictures of it when a new GT3 RS came in. Two minutes, two down. The next hour or so consisted of me frantically running around catching pictures and video footage as countless exotics filed into the lot. Other highlights include a RR Phantom Coupe, a classic Ferrari roadster I have yet to identify, a Porsche 906 race car, a Lotus Esprit Sport 350 (one of 50 built), a Lotus Exige Club Racer (one of 25), and the Tesla TAG Heuer Roadster Sport (the only one built).

... and I thought that was as good as it would get. You know it's an epic turnout when the entire lot is full and the organizers have to direct additional incoming cars - a Ferrari 16M, a GT3 RS, a DBS, and more - into the side spectator parking lot. And the funny thing is that if I had to pick my top two highlights out of all the cars that showed up, both of them would be cars that ended up in the side lot. Oh, and they both happen to be on my hitlist too.

07/14: TJ #51 - The Mansion on a Rock

Many years ago, I built myself a small house. I started from scratch with no prior experience and did so simply because everyone else around me was learning to build. But little did I know that while they laid their foundations on sand, I had built mine on solid rock. And after many storms came and left, this house was the last one standing. My neighbors have long moved on in search of places where storms would be less fierce. But because my house stood strong, I decided to stay, and have lived here since then.

In this house I love to paint. I paint paintings that reflect the various stages of my life, and the more I paint, the more deeply I fall in love with the way God writes each chapter of my life according to His will. Over the years, I have grown and changed in many ways, and aside from painting, I would also occasionally remodel and add to the house as needed. I even strengthened its foundation when it became too unstable to support the increasing amount of weight placed upon it. What started as a small house eventually became a mansion, and because of its solid foundation, each storm that strikes only serves to testify to its strength and affirm my belief that it was no coincidence that brought me here.

In these past several months, my life has changed significantly in many ways. While I often change on the surface, this time the change comes from deep inside, because change on the outside is only meaningful if it reflects the heart. My priorities have been shifted dramatically, and my overall outlook on life has been greatly transformed. These changes affect just about every aspect of my life, whether at home, at work, by myself, or with other people. Surely this is a very significant point in my life, and so I have decided that this is a good opportunity to give my old home a fresh makeover to reflect these changes.

The purpose of this remodeling is not to draw attention to my own accomplishments, but rather to serve as a symbol of this important period of change in my life. I've learned that God will always lead me on paths that require me to change for good, and it is my goal that seeing the external changes will direct my attention to the changes that have taken place in my heart. Each room I set foot in will remind me of the great things God has done and inspire me to maintain the right attitude so that He can continue to shape me according to His will. On this rock the mansion was built, and on this rock it will continue to stand through even the fiercest storms. And inside this mansion I will continue to paint portraits of the great stories God will write in my life.

07/13: Two Hours in Beverly Hills

With another trip to the LA area comes another car-spotting adventure at the Golden Triangle. It's been years since I last went to the Triangle on a weekday, but I've always known that even though weekdays tend to not be as epic as weekends when it comes to quantity, there's definitely a good chance of finding surprises. So off I went on a Thursday afternoon to see what I could find. And it definitely wasn't bad. Highlights include a classic Aston V8 Vantage Volante, two GranCabrios, a matte black GranTurismo, and several Maybachs, including an insane 62S. But of course, I always like saving the best till last, and in this case it's three cars that are not exactly super expensive (by millionaire standards), but are brand new and still extremely hard to find.

07/09: Insanely Exhausting Week

I haven't had work for over a week, and it feels like it's been so long that I almost forgot I still have a job. The good thing about being self-employed is that I can technically take time off anytime I want to (even though I do my best not to abuse that privilege), and this week I decided to exercise that power for the sake of spending time with my aunt and cousins who came to visit from Taiwan. The result was an amazingly eventful few days of taking them out from one place to the next, making the most out of our time together. We went shopping, played Laser Tag at Camelot, ate at In-N-Out and Olive Garden, and more. Oh, and we went to Disneyland.

So apparently there was an earthquake on Wednesday - while we were at Disneyland. I had always wondered what would happen to people on roller coasters during earthquakes, and now I finally know. There are really only two options - either you crash, or you don't feel a thing. Fortunately, we only experienced the latter. We were in the middle of riding Thunder Mountain Railroad, and didn't even know there was an earthquake until we went to line up for the Matterhorn Bobsled and were told that it was closed due to the quake. Apparently it was bad enough that all the cars (sleds?) were stuck on the tracks and had to be manually pushed back to the loading area one by one. Looks like the Disney employees were about to have a pretty colorful day. Speaking of colorful, the new World of Color show broke. Apparently the earthquake messed up its not-even-a-month-old-yet foundation, so all the shows would be cancelled for at least several days. Sucks for all the people who came just to watch it. But hey, it's not a real California Adventure without an earthquake, right?

After all the fun we had, I was as tired as tired could be. There were only two things I was craving - some nice cars and a beer. And fortunately, I got to enjoy both of those things yesterday. But I knew that deep inside I wanted so much more than just that. What had left me so exhausted in the past few days wasn't as much my lack of sleep as it was my lack of time to be alone. I'm the kind of person who loves to (and sometimes needs to) be with people, but at the same time I'm an introvert who must have time alone to refuel my energy. And with so many people in the house and so much to do every day, it was nearly impossible to have any privacy. And that's what left me feeling so worn out. What I needed in order to feel refreshed wasn't just an exciting car-spotting adventure or a nice drink, but rather a little personal vacation. And of course, there's one particular place I never get sick of going to.

Knowing that I had to send my relatives to LAX yesterday (Thursday) morning, I decided that since I would already be in the LA area, I might as well stay and have some fun there. Hello, spontaneous UCLA visit in the middle of the week. After a couple hours of car spotting in Beverly Hills (which I will write about in another entry), I met up with Sophia and we went to hang out in Santa Monica. It's sad how she apparently knows the area better than I do. And it's even more sad that since she's going back to Nor-Cal next week, God only knows when we'll be able to hang out again. Apparently there's a little aquarium right beneath the pier, complete with jellyfish, eels, and sea hares. Yes, sea hares - don't worry, I didn't know they exist either. My incredible knowledge of biology tells me that they are basically ginormous slimy black slugs that live underwater. Oh, and they actually look like friggin' hares from certain angles. Moving on... we enjoyed an hour of biking along the beach to Venice and back. It's truly an unforgettable experience - I've always loved biking, but combine it with the ocean view, the breeze on my face, and being able to hang out with a friend I've known for several years, and it's one of those moments when I couldn't help but keep a big smile on my face as I hummed melodies of joy that could go on forever. Back in LA, there was just enough time for me to visit Christine(Dang) and Trinh and join them for dinner at their apartment.

That was all - no rushing from place to place visiting a bunch of people, and no feeling like I didn't make the most of my time in LA. I really believe that the way the day planned itself out was exactly the way it was meant to be. I not only got to spend quality, unhurried time with people I love and care about, but also got to enjoy plenty of time to relax by myself. After all, a part of the reason I decided to visit UCLA was to have a personal vacation. As expected, all the activities throughout the day left me very excited. And when I was wandering around the campus by myself at night, I realized I was happy even though I couldn't exactly pinpoint what I was happy about. Something about being at UCLA - even on a summer night when I don't know a single person on campus or in the dorms - always manages to set my heart on fire. It must be that same passion that I wrote about after I last visited UCLA almost two months ago.

As I stood silently by myself watching people walk past me, a thought suddenly began to trouble me. If this campus, complete with all the people I love and all the great memories I've had, is always able to fill my heart with passion, then what should I make of the one particular visit in which things went terribly out of my control and left me frustrated enough to push aside all the joy that had accumulated over the years? That's when God spoke to my heart. The fact that a single day could put out the fire that had burned for years only serves to show how weak it was. And God knew that what I needed most wasn't temporary happiness, but genuine passion that comes from deep inside and doesn't get swayed by the circumstances around me. The day that fire was put out was the day a new one was started, and now that fire burns more passionately than I could have ever imagined. Every day I've spent at UCLA was indeed a passionate adventure, whether I was passionate for people, for cars, for God, or for transformation of my heart. The passion never left me - even when it seemed like it did, the truth was that God was only making room for greater things.

As I sat in my room enjoying a beer while looking at the car pictures I took and relaxing until very late at night, I felt truly alive. And that's exactly how life should feel. Yes, I was extremely tired and wanted to sleep. But what I wanted even more was to seize every opportunity to enjoy the power of passion and let it penetrate my heart. My body was weak and sore, but deep inside I felt strong. It has definitely been a long and insanely exhausting week, but God has reminded me that true strength comes from deep inside my heart, and with that strength (and a good night's sleep) I can look forward to facing whatever lies ahead of me.

07/08: TJ #50 - Learning to Swim

I remember when I first learned how to swim as a child. After many sessions in the pool with instructors who taught me how to move my arms and legs properly, I was still afraid to be in the water without a kickboard to keep me afloat. The more they tried to convince me to put my head underwater, the more scared I became. One day, I found a part of the huge pool where no one was watching, and quietly waddled my way there. With one arm still holding onto the edge, I put my head underwater, then performed the seemingly useless motions with my free arm and my legs. Slowly I tried letting go of the edge and allowed that arm to join the other one. I didn't sink. And when I lifted my head out of the water, I was a few feet ahead of where I started. That was the moment I realized I had finally learned how to swim.

Some things in life can be taught, while others cannot be learned unless I first get out of my comfort zone and apply what I know. I knew all the motions required to swim, but until I challenged myself to conquer my fear of the water, I did not actually know how to swim. And when I finally learned, it happened so smoothly that I didn't even realize I had moved forward in the water until I found myself at a different location in the pool. Nobody noticed my accomplishment that day, but it didn't matter, because the only recognition I wanted was the joy inside me that I felt from knowing that I had learned something new. From then on, swimming was not a problem for me. In fact, because I had already become very familiar with the required arm and leg motions, I was able to shift my focus to a bigger goal - to make it to the destination at the other end of the pool.

It's been almost half a year since this Time of Change began, and here I am again now at the same place where I first decided to wage war against my false sense of security. But I know that while this place has played an important role in this special period of time, it was by no means its exact beginning, and it will by no means be its end. While I can force myself to define official start and end dates for this time, I know that it was not a single day that gave birth to it, and in the same way, there cannot be a single day to conclude it, because even while I was still enjoying my seemingly flourishing social life blinded to the consequences of my selfishness, God was already at work in my life. Hundreds, even thousands, of individual thoughts, words, and events all paved the way for me to ultimately desire change. And in the same way, countless things must contribute to my eventual transition out of this Time of Change.

As I sit here and think about all the things that happened in these past several months, one thought keeps reoccuring in my mind. This Time of Change will never end. Even if I choose a specific day to mark its completion, much of what is taking place in my life now must still continue. I guess one of the most important things I've learned from this time so far is that no matter how much I change, there will always be room to grow some more. As long as I maintain an attitude of humility before God, I will always see that there are things in my life that need to change. To ever say that I'm done changing for good would be to lie to myself, because God's plans are always greater than what I can understand completely.

If all goes as planned, then there will soon come a day when I will no longer have to distinguish between Transformation Journals and my other journal entries. The "Time of Change" will no longer need to be identified as such, because changing for God's glory will have become a lifestyle. The transition will be gradual and silent, but still one major change in atttiude must take place in order to make it happen. All this time, I have been hiding in the safety of the many rules, fasts, and disciplines that have helped point me in the right direction. And to be honest, a part of me really wishes that I can stay forever the way I am now. But I can't call myself a swimmer if I refuse to surrender my kickboard. All of the things I have learned are just useless motions unless I am willing to get out of my comfort zone and face my fears. And rather than depending on rules to guide me, I must learn to depend on wisdom. All of the disciplines I have learned must become so familiar that, even though I will still have to review them frequently, they will naturally shape the way I live my life. Then I can put my head underwater and start to swim. And at that point, my focus will no longer be on practicing all the motions, but rather on a much bigger picture - to give God glory and love the people He placed in my life as He first loved me.

07/01: TJ #49 - Twenty-Five