10/30: It feels like it was all just a dream. And with the very little sleep I got last night, I'm still slowly adjusting mentally to the fact that a bunch of little things in life seem to have suddenly turned around to work in my favor. I somehow managed to slightly hurt both of my thumbs yesterday, leaving small scars that hurt like crazy when touched. My legs are also sore enough to cramp up any second. But those things serve as reminders to me that what seemed like a dream was in fact real. The rental car is now gone, and my own car is back at home a couple days earlier than expected, looking as good as new. Insurance details from the crash have also been settled, so I no longer have to worry about a potential rate increase. And all this happened amidst an unforgettable adventure at UCLA.

So apparently there's going to be a special supercar appearance tomorrow morning that's no less epic than last year's Lexus LFA encounter (11/21/09 entry). I won't spoil the surprise here, but as tempted as I am to be there, I don't want to spend several hours on the road and also have to miss church for it. If this happened a few days ago, I would have laid aside whatever I was supposed to do and gone there out of desperation. But right now I feel content right where I am. I spent a couple hours at the Golden Triangle yesterday happily shooting away for the first time in over a month. Highlights include a white LP640, a Phantom Coupe, an Arnage Diamond Series (one of 60 built), and the new star of Rodeo Drive, Bijan's custom yellow-and-black Veyron. Oh, and today I managed to snatch a shot of what appears to be two secret cars being prepped for next week's SEMA show, true paparazzi style.

The last time I visited UCLA on a schoolday was over a year ago, so it felt really strange seeing the campus filled with people walking to and from class. It defintely brought back many memories, and I was able to share some of those memories with many of the people I got to spend time with. I had lunch with Christine and PA, then met up with Jerry and Antony outside Kerchoff. It really blows my mind to realize that the friends I met during my final quarter at UCLA and were freshmen at the time are now all in their last year of college. Because of my living situation at the time, along with many other things that made that quarter one of my most memorable, those friends have always held a special place in my heart. We were only technically in school together for one quarter, but that quarter paved the way for countless visits and even occasional chances to meet up outside of UCLA. I often joke around saying I feel like a dad or grandpa to them, but I say so because I feel like I've literally watched them grow up since freshman year, and it's amazing seeing how college has transformed them just as it has transformed me. I really wish to be able to spend more time with them this schoolyear, before they all graduate and go separate paths.

Fast forward two hours spent at the Golden Triangle (already mentioned earlier), and I'm hiking up the hill to visit Sophie in Hitch. It's been a very long time since my UCLA visits involved spending time with freshmen, simply because it only made sense that I stopped intentionally meeting new people after I graduated. But having known Sophie from church and discipleship group before she got accepted into UCLA, I figured I should stop by to say hello. We decided to go for a random walk to explore the campus. The fact that I'm basically a friggin' eighth year and still haven't fully explored the campus is living proof that there's always more to see and more to know, as long as you're willing to put effort into it. Our cross-campus walk ended with the biggest surprise of the day - dinner at DeNeve Dining Hall! If it weren't for the fact that I didn't want to embarass Sophie, break plates, or get kicked out of the dining hall, I would have ran around the whole place in circles screaming for joy. While we were eating, I often found myself curiously looking around, finding it hard to believe that I'm eating dorm food again. It's a feeling I really don't know how to explain. Sitting right there eating the food that brings back floods of memories of some of the most amazing times of my life, I really wished that I could freeze time and stay there forever.

Hanging out with Sophie gave me a kind of joy that I'd never experienced before. The truth is that the more we talked, the more I began to see myself in her - the excitement of being at a place with so much to offer, the willingness to take walks and explore, the eagerness to make the most out of four short years in college and do it all for God's glory... these were the very attitudes that allowed me to have such a good time in college, and over the years I have found myself heartbroken countless times at seeing people around me choose to sacrifice such joy in exchange for staying comfortable and living a mundane life. All of us who have been through the system know that freshman year, especially the first quarter, plays a crucial role in shaping our college careers (and even the rest of our lives). The people we meet, the decisions we make, and the activities we participate in all shape our attitudes in the years to come, and I feel so blessed to have the chance to spend time with Sophie just weeks into her college career and share my adventures and stories with her. That's why I felt so happy - not because of anything I've accomplished in the past or anything I'm doing now, but rather because I know that Sophie is going to enjoy her time at UCLA no less than I did. I always joke that I'm in a different generation than the current undergrads, but to an extent it's actually true; the cycle repeats itself every four years or so as people come and go, but the very essence of the "college experience" remains the same. I made the most out of my time in college, and now that I'm gone, it brings me no less joy to see those who are there do the same.

My final destination was the one that really made me decide to plan the trip - Victoria's Halloween party! I really love and admire how she is always willing to extend invitations for all kinds of activities to any of her friends that may be interested, even if they come from different social circles. Personal invitations are so hard to come across these days, but when they do come, I find it very hard to say no. The party was a fun gathering of Victoria's friends from school, work, and all kinds of other places. And yes, I had a costume. Sort of. Hopefully I'll get my hands on some pictures so I can post them, and also so I can attempt to match everyone's faces with their names, since I met so many people it's gonna be really tough remembering them all. Oh, and thanks Sandi for the ride back up to the dorms, so I didn't have to ride my scooter across campus in the dark while slightly under influence. (Dangit! Sophia's right! I do write about alcohol all the time...)

I wanted to make sure I was fully able to drive home safely, and that was the perfect excuse for me to stick around campus just a little longer, even though it was very late already. It's always a crazy feeling to spend a whole day visiting a bunch of friends and speeding on my scooter from destination to destination, then suddenly have time to sit quietly by myself and reflect. To be honest, I was really a little too tired to think. (Thank God for the half can of leftover Mr. Brown Coffee in the car to help me on the drive home). And because I had already been notified earlier in the day that my car was done, I knew that the following morning (today) would consist of waking up early and going to teach in Arcadia as usual, followed by rushing back to return the rental car just before the office closed at noon, then going to the body shop to pick up my car. With so much in mind, I hardly slept last night despite how tired I was. And when I finally did fall asleep, I was awakened by a sudden huge rainstorm that began pounding on my roof. That made it even harder to believe that the weather was perfectly fine the whole time I was in LA. And when I woke up again this morning, the storm was gone again.

The funny thing about this trip is that to be honest, a part of me really didn't want to make it happen at first. Having been in a pretty gloomy mood for quite some time, I really didn't feel like initiating conversations to tell people I was going to visit UCLA. (So if it weren't for the invitation to the Halloween party, I probably wouldn't have made the effort to plan the trip). But thank God I still did, because true friendships are based on love, not just feelings, and it is during times when I don't feel like making an effort that I have opportunities to make that love even stronger by doing so nonetheless. I got to spend time with freshmen who are new to college, seniors who are in their final undergrad year, and grad students and people who are done with school, and in the end I can't help but conclude that God is good, not just because He loves His people, but because that love is the same, no matter what stage of life we're going through. At first, I really wasn't in the mood to spend a whole day waltzing from place to place with a smile on my face hanging out with a bunch of friends. But looking back now, I think I really did have a smile on my face all day long. And that smile really came from my heart. The joy I feel now is not the selfish happiness of things finally going like I want them to, but a much deeper contentment that comes from once again realizing that God is writing stories in my life now, just like He did when I was in college. His love is the same now as it was back when I was a student at UCLA, and with that in mind I can be confident that no matter how difficult life can be, there is always hope for me to keep moving forward.

10/26: When work goes well, I feel like I'm able to reasonably spend more money having fun, but then I'm usually busy most of the time because, well, I have to work. When work doesn't go well and I'm not earning as much as I need, I feel hesitant to spend money on unnecessary things. Frugality definitely isn't a bad thing, except I'm the kind of person that can feel content with an extremely simple lifestyle, which often blurs the line between "luxury" and "necessity". When work doesn't go well, I often catch myself feeling hesitant to have any kind of fun that requires even the slightest spendings, whether it's money for food, for gas, or for anything else. And I admit that's definitely more stingy than frugal, even if it's all for my own happiness. I may not be earning enough money right now, and it's good for me to save money in practical ways, but the truth is that I'm not broke or homeless, and trapping myself in a dark hole of self-pity will only end up doing more harm than good. If caring about people I love and doing things that can bring joy to my heart require a little expense, there's really no reason I should reject those opportunities. So it's time for me to climb out of my hole and have a little fun.

This Friday (10/29) will be my first UCLA visit of the schoolyear. Just because a large amount of my friends in LA already graduated, it doesn't mean I'm going to neglect everybody else! Next Friday (11/5) will be my first ever San Diego area trip, with stops at both UCSD and SDSU. I'm really getting a bit old to know a lot of people still in college, and to be honest, I really haven't kept track of who's in SD now, since it's so far away. (The last time I was there, I was still either a freshman or sophomore in college!) So if you're in the SD area, be sure to let me know!

Of course, considering how much I've been craving a nice personal mini-vacation, I hope to squeeze in some car-spotting time during both trips. I really hate to let something that's simply a hobby dictate my life, but things have been so bad lately (both with car spotting and with life in general) that I don't really have a choice. All I want is a small glimmer of casual but heartfelt joy that has never been absent for so long. This Friday's spotting adventure at the Triangle will be somewhat of a do-or-die trip. If it rains, I'll make an extra drive there on Saturday. If it rains all weekend, then I guess I'm not going to work next week. In other words, I'm going to shoot some nice cars, whether Mother Nature likes it or not. After all, daylight savings is coming up soon, and it will be all darkness from there.

It really makes me excited just thinking about these trips. Sure, with the crazy weather these days, I wouldn't exactly be shocked if a huge raincloud decided to appear as if it were on a mission to ruin my day. But even so, at least it would only ruin a part of it. Cars make me happy, but in the end it's always the time I get to spend with people I care about that matters most. To be honest, I really haven't been in the mood to contact people telling them I'm coming to visit. But often it is during the times when I don't feel like putting effort into relationships that it is most important for me to do so. So that's exactly what I'm doing. Trips like these are always about much, much more than myself, and in the end that's what makes them so meaningful. I know that I will look back after this Friday (and next Friday) and see that all the effort has been worthwhile.

10/25: When eating at restaurants, I often choose to drink only ice water, knowing that two or three bucks for soda or tea is really a lot of money considering how much those drinks are really worth. But there's always room for exceptions. And upon hearing the words "Thai tea" and "free refills" in the same sentence, I felt as if there were some kind of force stirring up my inner Asian-ness telling me that $2.50 for Thai tea isn't bad as long as I take advantage of those free refills. That's why I downed three huge glasses of that stuff for lunch today while eating at Coconut Station (the new-ish Thai restaurant in Rowland Heights) with Steven and Alex. Albert couldn't join us today, but thanks to his recommendation, I ordered fried rice, which was amazing! Oh, and the waitresses actually came and offered refills on tea rather than waited for us to ask. Bonus points for them.

I did see a Ferrari today (a 328) on my way to lunch - my first in a ridiculously long time - but my attempt at catching up to take pictures failed, and plus I almost got nicked by a cop while doing so. That's the downside about the sky clearing up - The sun's finally out, and so are all the cops that were too lazy to meet their ticket quotas in the rain. I'm definitely happy to see sunshine though - it's been forever since I could walk outside the house without feeling like it's going to rain any moment. And because of all the precipitation, the view of the mountains is great. Oh, and as a bonus, I have a new student as of today. That definitely hadn't happened in a while too. To be honest, I think it will be hard for me to really have faith in my job now, no matter how many new students I have. But at least I'm seeing a little progress, and that's always a good thing, even if all it's doing now is making me feel a little happier.

Or maybe it was all just the caffeine doing its job. When my inner Asian-ness prompts me to say "yes" each time I'm offered a free Thai tea refill, I tend to forget that Thai tea is basically milk tea on 'roids. Had we stayed at the restaurant any longer, I might have accepted a fourth glass, which might have left me trembling uncontrollably like a curious little kid overdosing on Red Bull. I wonder if driving with a caffeine overdose can get me a DUI.

On a somewhat related note, I also had a delicious cup of "pink" lemonade today. It was purple...

If three cups of Thai tea don't make me feel more energetic, I don't know what will. With so little motivation to wake up in the morning these days, caffeine has basically become a requirement to jumpstart my day. Maybe that's why I had such a good time back in college - every morning kicked off with a breakfast buffet, complete with my signature "teafee". Looking back now, I blame the teafee for making me addicted to caffeine. Being the genius that I was, I figured that since it contained only about 1/3 of a cup of coffee, I was technically only drinking one cup of coffee every three days. (Bruin Cafe ice blends don't count!) But as every good musician knows, daily practice makes a big difference. It didn't matter how little coffee I had each morning; the point is that I still had coffee every friggin' morning. And that might explain why I feel compelled to drink coffee every morning now, even though it's been years since I was a student. Oh well, at least I'm perfectly content with instant coffee from Costco. Otherwise it would take much more than one new student every week just to pay for my monthly Starbucks purchases.

I really, really want some teafee now. I don't care that it's past midnight; the thought of such a delicious drink brings back so many great memories, and I can't stop thinking about it. It's been years since I last had one, and chances are I won't be having one anytime soon. But at least thinking about it makes me smile. All I have to do is close my eyes, pretend I'm in the dining hall, and smell the imaginary teafee sitting in front of me. Suddenly I feel young again. Now if only I were still young enough to know people with swipes to burn. When I'm 80 years old, I'll make sure my grandkids go to UCLA and have Premier. And even though the only person there close to my age then would be the faculty-in-residence, I'll still enjoy my teafee, just like I did every morning as a student. And I'll close my eyes and see millions of memories throughout the years (decades?) flash across my mind, and realize once again just how wonderful life can be.

This sudden teafee craving is all Sophia's fault, since we were just talking earlier and she reminded me of it. She also pointed out that apparently a lot of my entries have to do with alcoholic beverages. I denied it at first, but after scrolling through some recent entries, I found myself a little, umm, surprised. That's why I decided to change things up and write an entry about less intoxicating drinks. It's past 1AM now, and I'm pretty sure my lunchtime caffeine overload has worn off already, so I can hop in bed soon and enjoy a good night's sleep. And tomorrow morning when I wake up, I'll be looking forward to another nice warm cup of coffee to kick off the day.

10/25: Dodge Journey, Week Two

I made a little discovery that isn't specifically relevant to the Dodge Journey, but is still worth mentioning. Satellite radio is amazing! I can't believe it took me almost a week to discover that it was included on the Journey. High-quality music with no commercials is exactly the kind of soundtrack I enjoy driving to. And the ability to find stations based on genre is definitely a plus, too. The only downside is that when I'm listening to Satellite, the clock disappears from the already awkwardly positioned display screen. Maybe there's an option to make the time show up on the screen, but if so, it's way too hard to find for such a seemingly basic feature. I'm pretty sure many drivers care more about being able to see the time than being able to see the name of the radio station and type of music playing.

After driving the Journey for two weeks, my only other complaint is a glitch with the turn signals (aside from the fact that the left signal still blinks twice as fast as the right one - something I've already gotten used to). Despite being a more or less aggressive driver, I'm a real Nazi when it comes to using my blinkers. It's a habit for me to flick on those flashing lights before every turn and double-check after subtle turns to make sure they've stopped flashing. But there have been several instances on the Dodge when I put the blinker control back in neutral position, only to discover that the lights are still blinking! And sometimes the only way to fix the problem is to put the switch in the opposite direction, which then causes the opposite blinker to turn on. Yesterday I found myself stuck in such a cycle, and almost ended up T-boning a car that assumed I was going to turn and popped out of a plaza right in front of me. I had the right of way, but I definitely wasn't blameless thanks to those blinkers.

Still, after learning to live with the car's many little quirks, I actually like it. And that's surprising considering I belong in an ethnic group that is almost never seen driving American cars and an age group more commonly associated with suped-up Civics than 7-seat crossovers. Originally, I was going to return the Journey this morning in exchange for a cheaper rental car due to insurance concerns, but after confirming that my car's estimated completion date at the body shop (a week from today) should be accurate, I decided not to make the switch. And that's when I realized I really do enjoy this car. Having gotten used to it after two weeks, I find it to be quite an easy car to communicate with in all sorts of everyday driving. The week ahead will consist of several longer-distance drives, and I look forward to spending it behind the wheel of the Journey.

10/22: I'm so sick of this weather it's not even funny. First we had the insane heat wave, then thunderstorms that came out of nowhere, and now this seemingly endless gloominess that's been here for a whole week already, with just enough rain to annoy the crap out of me every day. Oh well, at least I'm driving a rental car, so I don't have to worry about keeping it clean. (I'm actually hoping to wait until the rain goes away for good before exchanging this car for another one - I'll explain more about that next time).

Speaking of cars, maybe the reason I'm so fed up with this weather is that I haven't shot a single truly exceptional car in about a month and a half. Sure, there was that red Continental Supersports after the wedding banquet. But I was drunk when I saw it, so it doesn't really count. I'm ready for a spontaneous trip to C&C or Beverly Hills, as soon as the sky clears up. Actually, I guess I'm ready for a little mini-vacation in general. There are a few area trips and car-spotting adventures I'm planning for the near future, but I know I can't depend on those adventures to hide the fact that everything in life just seems so flat now. Life really isn't as bad now as it is boring. Everything just feels slow, but I guess it's better than thinking that life sucks. But until I can say confidently that I'm living passionately from my heart, there's always room to improve. And at this point, I know I have a long way to go.

The weather really isn't helping me much considering I have been in more or less of a gloomy mood lately and am trying hard to snap out of it. With nothing much to look forward to these days, I've been staying up at night a lot later than I should, and also waking up in the morning a lot later than I should. Normally when I have excessive amounts of free time, I always have the option of going out for a random drive, stopping at random places to rest or read a book, and possibly even shooting a nice car or two. But not when it's raining. People here are spoiled, and nobody drives their nice cars out when there's a chance of rain. Heck, I don't even want to drive out in the rain, period. And when I have to (for work), everything gets delayed thanks to people who drive so slow they might as well walk, along with maniacs who think they drive better than Schumacher and end up getting into fights with nearby innocent objects. Waking up to rain and/or heavy clouds each morning serves as an excellent reminder that it's going to be another uneventful day, making me really not want to get out of bed at all.

It's funny how there are two things I tend to naturally do more frequently when I'm sad - writing journal entries and making music. And both of these things have some sort of a therapeutic effect on me. Over time, they open up my heart and allow me to see a glimpse of hope, and it is through that hope that I find power to get back on my feet again. I'm guessing I'm at the point right now where I'm writing simply because I don't want to worry or think about anything else, and if the same old pattern will repeat itself, then maybe in the near future I will find hope again. But first, I'd like to be able to wake up to some sunshine.

10/20: "The sky is clear. Angels are everywhere. I'm so happy." These three sentences, and the great story behind them, have brought me hope greater than anything else in this world. Like the Israelites in the Old Testament, I witnessed God's greatness firsthand. And it happened in my own family - my father, during times of his greatest suffering, found joy, peace, and hope so great that everything he had accomplished in the past in an already seemingly fulfilling life became insignificant, and there was nothing in the world he felt inclined to fear, not even death. When he left this world, I vowed to take the baton of hope that he passed on to me and run with it.

But like those Israelites, I often lose sight of my miraculous encounter over the years, and find myself questioning God time after time. On one hand, I know He is real, and the miracles serve to confirm that reality. But over time, darkness seems to have crept up all around me, slowly engulfing the hope in me and making it ever so difficult for me to keep running with hope. It seems like the older I get, the harder it is for me to keep myself from questioning God's goodness in my father's death. Many of my friends have divorced parents that have made their childhoods extremely rough, and while I have always sympathized with them, I was always under the impression that my own family was as good as a family could be, even after Dad's passing. But I'm starting to feel more and more convinced that I've been wrong. Maybe I just don't want to admit it, but the truth is that I come from a broken family, whether I like it or not.

The knowledge that Dad's life story has reached its perfect, happy ending always gives me hope when the plot in my own life story get uncomfortably thick. But it's also extremely easy for me to start using Dad as some sort of scapegoat. And as I'm going through a time when everything in my life seems to be going wrong, it's especially challenging for me to approach this day, the sixteenth anniversary of his passing, with the positive attitude I had as a child. I can't help but wonder what my life could be like now had Dad won his battle against cancer. Growing up with a father figure would have helped me gain many seemingly basic skills that I don't have now. He would teach me to be brave, to spend my money wisely and make investments that will flourish in the long run, to fight for justice and defend the things closest to my heart, to control my temper when I'm angry and be patient and gentle, to approach a girl confidently and tell her I love her, to protect, love, and support my mother and sister, to take risks with wisdom and courage, and to be a man after God's own heart. All these are things I wish I could be better at, and even though I know that having a father won't magically make things as perfect as I want them to be, I have to admit it's tempting to dream. In a time when many of my deepest weaknesses leave me feeling both helpless and hopeless, it's just too easy for me to start idealizing the life that I'll never have a chance to live.

I remember back when I was a college student, I would encourage many of my younger friends who were stressed about college admissions by telling them that every college offers a unique and amazing experience that no other school can compare to, and that they would not regret their decisions because they would never know what it would be like had they chosen to go elsewhere. That's exactly the kind of encouragement I need right now. Not only will I never be able to live the life complete with a father that I often idealize, but I also must remember that it was God who chose this path for my family and me. I'm sure that there are many blessings in my life now that wouldn't have been given to me if I grew up with a dad, and even though I don't know exactly what they are, I must believe that the way I grew up is a part of God's great masterplan for my life. When a tragedy strikes and cannot be reversed, I can choose to dwell in self-pity forever, or I can believe that God has a reason for letting it happen. During my college years, God made it unquestionably clear to me that just as he had written stories in my father's life, he was also writing stories in mine. If God is perfect, then surely everything happens for a reason. It all boils down to a question of whether or not I choose to have faith.

The path of faith is long and narrow, but it's really the only path worth taking. A good and perfect God would not take away a child's father just to make his life miserable. He must have good reasons for doing so, and over the years, many of those reasons have been made known through the way He graciously provided for the needs of my family and taught us to depend on Him. In these past few years, however, things at home have been increasingly difficult, and it's becoming harder for me to keep running with that baton when I'm seeing more and more of just how much I'd missed out on by growing up without a father. I must not lose faith now though. It really makes no sense for me to have come this far, then suddenly turn back as if it were all just a big mistake. I can't give up, because I know that God hasn't given up on me.

"The sky is clear. Angels are everywhere. I'm so happy." How can such a glorious vision leave me feeling hopeless? Over the years, many tears have fallen on this significant day. But those tears cannot stop my family and me from remembering that this is not a day to regret, but rather a day to rejoice. Someday I will be there too, in that place where there is no suffering, no pain, and no worries, but only God's holy presence prompting me to worship. That's exactly what I was created for - worship. And no matter how good or bad my life is, I need to remember to worship God, because He is the source of my greatest hope. God gave Dad hope even when facing death, and if I'm going to carry Dad's baton and run with it, then I must keep convincing myself time after time that God can give me hope until I can fully believe it again.

10/18: I'm basically drunk right now, but I figured this would be a good chance to write a random entry, since I don't drink very often and this is probably as intoxicated as I've ever been before. The last time I really felt anywhere close to this was a few years ago in Taiwan when I decided to safely explore my alcohol tolerance with Rodney and Grover. All I remembered then was that while walking across the hallway to my room in the hotel, everything seemed a bit wobbly and I couldn't quite walk straight. Now I feel basically the same, except I'm at home, and when I tried to use the restroom earlier, I ran into the door. So I guess I'm a little worse than I thought. But at least it's for a very good cause.

My relatives (from Mom's side) are here from basically all over the world (Georgia, Taiwan, the Middle East, the United Kingdom...) to celebrate a very special occasion - Harry and Catherine's wedding! The last time we had a family reunion like this was when I was in high school (for Grandma's 80th birthday). And no matter how old I get, I don't think I can ever forget the special bond between our octet of cousins on this side of the family. Sure, I'm often the quiet one, and my personality's quite different, and some of us see each other regularly while others only get in touch once every several years. But it's really such a blessing to grow up knowing that I'm part of such a close-knit family, and I can't believe Harry's now married (and Steph will be next!).

It's definitely been a tiring but exciting weekend, with random family gatherings and dinners here and there, followed by the wedding and dinner banquet today. During dinner, what hasn't really changed is that other than Harry and Catherine, the reason for the celebration, the rest of us cousins still belong at the "kid's table". But at least the kid's table now comes with wine and whiskey. To be completely honest (and a little selfish), because of all the crap happening in my life now, I've been looking forward to this night for quite a while. Besides, with our dear Uncle "Johnny Ocean" running around the stage so drunk that he claims he's never been drunk in his life, what do we "children" have to worry about?

It was definitely a fun party. And don't worry, we had our designated drivers figured out ahead of time, since we basically all predicted that most of us wouldn't be able to drive home by the end of the night (there's nothing wrong with having fun once in a while, but just be safe!). And that was some pretty darn good alcohol, so good that my glass ended up like this-

10/14: Dodge Journey, Day 4

Having taken the Journey on various commutes throughout the past several days, I'm glad to say that I really enjoy it. Sure, some of the American-car-cheapness stereotypes are still true, but for the most part I've been able to drive and enjoy myself without any major complaints about the way it performs. First of all, here's what the car looks like-

10/13: My life sucks. It's almost funny that I still need to be reminded of that time after time, as if it weren't clear enough yet. I guess I'm not used to thinking that life sucks, and so sometimes I still catch myself accidentally forgetting abou reality and living as if things were normal. That's when those reminders strike me. Just about everywhere I look, there's something bad to remind me of the truth. Work? No sign of improvement, respect, or success, as usual. Money? It can't possibly be well when work's not well. People? They're all selfish, just like myself. Church? I think I've already said as much about it here as I need to. And God? Well, let's just say that if it weren't for the fact that I still believe in Him despite all the crap He's allowing to happen in my life, there's really no reason for me to be here right now.

I'm a very realistic person, and I can't deny that there are still those occasional moments that I feel extremely blessed, love, and um, happy. But the truth now is that those moments occur far too rarely that I really can't count on them. And when I try to count on them, I begin to idolize them out of desperation, which at the end makes me feel worse. I know that God has a reason for everything, and after writing countless entries about His greatness, I'm not about to take back a single word. But sometimes it's just so hard to connect these truths with my daily life, especially when there's so little in my life to help point me back to Him.

Is it really that hard for me to live life without feeling like an idiot? Every attempt to fix things results in failure, and every attempt to make myself happier ends up making things worse. I really don't even know what's frustrating me anymore. It's the accumulation of all kinds of random crap - big things, small things, work, people, everything. Even little things to make me want to think positively like, say, hoping my work schedule would go as planned just for one day, or wishing to see a nice car while driving just so I would feel excited, or expecting people to do something as simple as not forgetting things they say they'll do seconds after they say it... it simply ain't happening. And if it ain't gonna happen, then I ain't gonna wish anymore. It's that simple. I'm a dreamer, but if every dream is a nightmare, why bother dreaming at all? I'll just go on living this crappy life as I am now. If things get better (and it doesn't end up rebounding on me like some kind of prank to make things worse), then so be it. And if things get worse, then, well, what's new?

10/12: Dodge Journey, Day 2

One of my favorite things about experiencing a new car is that there are always random surprises, especially nowadays when it seems like carmakers are sqeezing every last inch of functionality and creativity out of interiors to 1-up their competitors. My last encounter with driving a domestic car was a Chevrolet HHR, which I liked for its unique looks and incredible practicality for a car its size, but disliked for its cheap interior feel and lack of power. That car first came out in 2005. The Dodge Journey came out in 2009, and based on my first impressions, it seems like America has made great progress.

I was quite impressed when I first got behind the wheel. The overall feel of the interior was much better than I had expected. Sure, a lot of the plastic feels cheap. But this car was never meant to compete with a BMW. It's a practical people mover, designed more for functionality than luxury, and that's why I love how there are storage bins pretty much all over the place. My favorite is the hidden cubby underneath the front passenger seat. For people like me who mostly drive solo, it allows me to place belongings within easy reach from the driver's seat but still hidden from sight to prevent theft. And it's just the right size to leave books, tissues, and other small accessories that I like to keep in the car at all times, along with small amounts of groceries that aren't worth opening the trunk for.

What strikes me as rather odd, though, is that much of the Journey really seems, well, bipolar. Adjustment of the driver's seat is partially electronic and partially manual, and while the electronic part feels luxurious and offers a wide variety of positions, the handle for the manual part feels like it's made of leftover material from a laundry basket. In the same way, some storage bins are extremely easy to open and close while others are so stiff that I feel like I might break them. And the turn signals - why on earth does the left turn signal blink twice as fast as the right one? It's no different from those annoying super-fast blinkers that people put on rice rockets, and the high-speed clicking noise of the signal makes me really not want to signal when I turn left. It seems like half the people who built this car put in tremendous effort, while the other half wished they had better jobs. But again, this is not a luxury car. At a starting price of $21,130 ($26,630 for SXT trim), the car should serve its purpose very well as long as all those plasticy interior parts can stand the test of time (something I probably won't have a chance to find out firsthand).

My only big complaint revolves around the seats, namely the headrests. Either my definition of comfortable is very abnormal, or this car was designed for people at least half a foot taller than I am. The seat back is very high, and that's not a bad thing, except it makes the headrest far too high, even at its lowest position. Sometimes when I turn to look back before changing lanes, I find those headrests smack between my eyes and the back windows like a giant wall. And I'm about 5' 8", meaning that while I'm not particularly tall, there are definitely many drivers who are shorter. Maybe that's why the Chinese lady who previously rented this car came back to switch to a small car. I got to enjoy some time sitting in the car reading a book with the windows down, and it didn't take me long to notice that the headrest was not only at an awkward height, but also protruding at a strange angle (which I could not find a way to adjust), preventing me from leaning back with my neck straight. Oh well, at least it might help keep drivers more awake and alert.

On the positive side, the design of the instrument cluster looks great. Let's admit it, even though there are probably more important things to look for in a car than how pretty the speedometer is, that little round dial really does make a difference. After all, you'll be spending an awful lot of time staring at it while driving if you don't want to end up with a ticket. At night when the instrument cluster lights up, I like it even more, especially the green lighting in the middle of the speedo that gives it a 3D-ish look. Maybe I should be paying more attention to how fast I'm driving rather than how good the dial looks. Speaking of speed, many times I was surprised to discover that I was going well over the limit. And because I noticed my problem before any cops did, I can say that it's a good thing, because that means the car doesn't feel as fast as it's actually going. In other words, it's very quiet and smooth, especially for something so large and boxy. And I don't feel completely disconnected from the outside world, either. Steering is heavy enough to fit a car this size, but light enough to be handled with ease. Before I knew it, I was holding the wheel with only one hand - a sign of confidence with the vehicle.

10/11 A New Journey

I apologize for the somewhat misleading title - this is not about a brand new phase of my life, a life-changing experience, or an adventure to a faraway place. I'm talking about the 2010 Dodge Journey SXT currently sitting in my garage. As with many car fanatics, I find it quite sad that it's becoming increasingly harder to find new cars that actually use words as names. Driving something called "Journey" sounds much more interesting than something along the lines of "R8 5.2 V10 FSI". Not that I would mind taking that $146,000 Audi for a spin. In fact, the lady at the rental car office jokingly told me that my insurance coverage for a rental car gives me $50 per hour, to which I replied that I would like to rent an Aston Martin. But anyway, back to reality. Fortunately, my insurance provider does allow me to have a lot more options than the typical silver Chevy Aveo with manual windows. With the budget in mind, the people at the rental office hooked me up with this Journey, which a Chinese lady just returned in exchange for a Mercedes-Benz. I assume she belongs in a different tax bracket than I do, hence her desire for something more luxurious. But to me, getting behind the wheel of any new car (yes, even the manual-windowed Aveo) is a new experience to look forward to.

First of all, let me say that the Journey is pretty big. On the street, it's not particularly massive-looking, but when I took it home and parked it next to my mom's 2003 Sienna, I truly understood just how quickly cars have grown over time. Personally, I'm not a big fan of the word "crossover". It's kind of like the word "hybrid", which can refer to any combination of two given things, whether it's gasoline and electricity (for cars), roads and mountains (for bicycles), or lions and tigers (yes, real ligers actually exist). For all I care, I could mix a Ferrari with a dump truck and call it a crossover (or a hybrid). While crossovers/CUV's/whatever-you-want-to-call-them's typically refer to something that fills the gap between an SUV and a car, it is probably one of the most diverse classes of vehicles out there today. And many attempts at trying to stand out in this rather young segment have turned out to be, to put it nicely, funny-looking. Not everyone will agree with me, but when it comes to anything that had at least some of its roots in SUV's, I generally prefer straighter-looking butts rather than the more modern, curvier ones. Most attempts at sticking coupe-like hatchback rooflines on high-riding cars end up looking schizophrenic. (I'm thinking of one particular BMW that looks like a 5-series on 'roids, along with a particular Honda that makes me feel ashamed to be an Accord owner). When it comes to the design of crossovers, I confess that in almost all cases, I'd choose American over Japanese or even German.

But of course, a car is much, much more than just a design. And as a car lover, I always cherish opportunities like this to play with cars different from my own and expand my understanding of and experiences with cars on the road today. So while my '03 Accord sits at the shop waiting for some major bodywork repairs. I'll be making my daily commutes to/from work, church activities, and occasional meals with friends in the Dodge, and writing down my experiences as time progresses. It's definitely a journey I'm looking forward to.

10/10: It seems like people typically see the number ten, or basically any multiple of it, as a symbol of completion and perfection. Well, today's the once-in-a-lifetime ten-ten-ten (10/10/2010). And to be honest, it really ain't all that wonderful. Check this out...

10/08: Don't Want to Answer

I love talking on the phone. In fact, there have been times when I would purposely not go on AIM or reply promptly to emails just so I could hope to enjoy a more genuine conversation instead. But recently the sound of my phone ringing seems to me like more of a cry of disaster than the song of hope and joy I usually think of it as. Just about every phone call I get now is for work. And usually that means it's a bad thing - last-minute rescheduling, unreasonable cancellations, and all kinds of other things to remind me that people really don't understand my perspective with my current job. Sometimes I really want to just pretend I can't pick up the phone because I'm busy working a real job. But I can't hide from reality. And it's better to face the truth than wait until things get worse.

As for the occasional (and increasingly rare) call from friends, I'm really not sure how to feel. The most recent call I received this week from a friend that had nothing to do with work ended with an "I'll call you back in a bit", words that, after several days, are still waiting to be fulfilled and probably will never be. That's how it always works. The same is true for emails and every other form of communication. When people don't feel like responding, they don't respond. Do friendships nowadays really have to be so shallow? When the slightest need for effort results in a lack of communication, it's clear that the friendship is another attempt at using me to fulfill unspoken selfish desires. I love my friends so much, but love can't function properly unless it's mutual.

I usually think life is best with occasional ups and downs to keep it from becoming boring. But these days, it seems like any hint of turbulence will end up turning things the wrong way. It's one of those phases when I feel like it's best for me to just hold back my emotions so that they won't make me feel like I'm going insane. God is good, and I can never deny that, no matter how bad my life is. And it's during times like this that I remember once again to find security in Him and not depend on things in this world beyond my control to make me feel content. The truth is that even though so many things in my life seem to be going wrong, God's also been blessing me tremendously in many ways. It's just that I get so caught up in my own frustration that I have trouble connecting the good and the bad together to see the big picture. That's exactly why I need God. He not only sees the big picture, but has big plans for my life. And that's the hope that keeps me moving forward now. God's the only one that doesn't give up calling me time after time, even when I don't want to answer the phone. And His words are the only ones I can count on, because I know His love is real and won't disappoint me.

10/05: It frightens me to imagine going on a journey to a secluded place for an extended period of time, only to return and find my city burned to the ground and all its people scattered. I almost went on such a journey, and it was by the grace of God that I was able to stay and witness the destruction instead of find out after everyone's already gone. Not only so, but God came and carried me out of the burning building just before it collapsed, so that I would look back and feel more thankful than bitter. Not everyone made it out alive. And of those who did, I wonder how many would find the means to survive, now that we are all scattered and lost. I want to help, but I am too weak to even help myself. I know one thing for sure though - if God intentionally came to rescue me, then He must have a reason for wanting me to live. And if that's true, then He will provide for my needs so I can continue living. Memories of all the destruction still haunt me at times, but I can't deny that it's a miracle that I'm still here today. And I will do whatever it takes to live to fulfill whatever reason it is that God rescued me for.

10/03: Personal Church Dilemma Pt. 2: Size, Growth, and the Foundation of it All

During a recent small group discussion I participated in, one individual mentioned that his church was small, with "only about a hundred people". Another was shocked, since he attends a church with only 50 people and would consider a hundred-member congregation huge. Then there are those whose churches count members by the thousands, not including those reached by radio shows, television broadcasts, and dozens of other outreach programs. I don't like to use the word "megachurch", since it seems to have such a negative, quantity-over-quality connotation among Christians nowadays. The truth is that the variety of churches today based on size and the motivations behind them are no less diverse than the vast number of different denominations that all claim to worship the same God. And while some are perhaps more legit than others, my goal is not to point fingers at any individual or group in particular. But these issues have definitely made me think a lot, especially now that my mind is fully open to the possibility of exploring other churches. And I can't help but ask myself, "if I were to choose a new church to attend, how large or small would this church be?"

It seems like most advocates of small congregations seek a more personal and intimate environment to worship God in, and they prefer to be with people they know rather than feel lost in a sea of unfamiliar faces. Those people may frown upon large churches for focusing more on attendance, fame, and wealth rather than intimacy. On the other hand, large churches may feel that smaller churches lack the finances, manpower, or organizational skills needed in order to grow, and are therefore stuck in the same pattern Sunday after Sunday.

I've been to churches both small and large, and know without doubt that while the problems mentioned above do occur more frequently in the respectively-sized churches, they are by no means accurate descriptions of all such churches. I've been to churches in China where the very sight of thousands of people hungry for God prompts me to fall on my knees and worship Him. I've also been involved in small Christian communities where everyone knows each other by name and feels comfortable speaking about their deepest feelings. And both of these environments are appealing to me and pleasing to God in their own ways. I definitely don't believe that it's okay for churches to value fame and wealth over God. But at the same time, I also don't believe that it's right for a church to not grow in size over time. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a powerful message that can change lives, regardless of whether or not a church organizes any outreach events. Jesus' ministry on earth was filled with incidents in which the truth struck invididuals as so profound and wonderful that he/she ran off and brought back hundreds or thousands of others to hear the good news. Jesus didn't have to tell people to evangelize; they did it on their own! In today's world, where it is becoming increasingly clear that there are far too many circumstances, fears, frustrations, and worries beyond our control, people really need God's love, joy, and peace more than ever before. Growth is a natural outcome of a healthy church, regardless of how big or small it is.

The sad truth, however, is that so many churches today prefer preaching a sugarcoated, happy-go-lucky gospel thinking that it would attract more people by making them happy. Even if such churches grow, they are growing for the wrong reasons. Shortly after Jesus began his ministry on earth, he preached a message so countercultural and so polarizing that the people, who were the equivalent of today's churchgoers, attempted to throw him off a cliff and kill him (Luke 4:14-29). Jesus said the things he said not because he wanted people to like him more, but because those things are the truth. And as a result, some were attracted while others were angered. In the same way, when a church preaches the true gospel, some people will be attracted to it, and others will criticize and maybe even be offended by it. The fact that some churches choose to twist the truth to gain fake love testifies to the great insecurities of its leaders. If I got to have lunch with the president, I would probably be bragging about it to all my friends. But what if they don't believe me? It doesn't matter, because if I know it actually happened, then whether or not they choose to believe me doesn't change the fact that it's true. That's how it should be with the church. We speak the truth, not because we want to gain anything ourselves, but simply because it's the truth and it means a lot to us. If people reject us, we shouldn't feel offended personally, because we're merely messengers of God's truth. After all, the church should ultimately be about God.

Whether you're building a small house or a skyscraper, it must have a solid foundation. Only with a strong foundation can the visible portions of the finished building stay standing over time. Without the foundation, a storm can easily destroy the building, and all the effort put into building it will have been wasted. "Each one should be careful how he builds. For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ" (1 Corinthians 3:10-11). The only reason churches exist is Jesus. Without him, trying to run a church would be like trying to build a house without a foundation. No matter how well the house looks on the outside, sooner or later it will still collapse.

I've read and watched countless news reports on collapsed buildings during earthquakes that people later discovered were caused by improperly built foundations. Sadly, the same is true with many churches today. Having attended various church groups that left me feeling malnourished in many ways, I now believe more than ever before that the key to a solid church foundation is found in the Great Commission. Jesus didn't force anyone to go to church every Sunday or evangelize to thousands of nonbelievers, but he did command his people to "go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything [he] has commanded [them]" (Matthew 28:19-20). Making disciples is much more than converting masses of people then abandoning them to figure out the rest of their faith on their own. And teaching people to obey Jesus' commands is definitely not the same as only telling people what makes them happy. Yes, the gospel is absolutely great news. But genuinely receiving it will also result in a change in the way we live our lives as we shift our focus from our own ways to God's perfect way. It requires sacrifice, and it isn't always easy. We all stumble and fall at times, and isn't that exactly why we need a healthy community of believers to catch us?

I've heard it said many times that "if you change a heart, you will change the world". If I walk into a church and feel like nobody cares to notice me, then something's wrong, because Jesus is willing to leave behind ninety-nine sheep just to find one who is lost (Luke 15:3-7). If my friends at church see me about to fall and nobody attempts to stop me or catch me, then how are we "loving our neighbors as ourselves" (Mark 12:31)? I know I'm nowhere near perfect, but I'm definitely willing to learn. In fact, I'm desperate to learn. And I know that this is not something that can be learned alone. With these things in mind, an ideal church for me would consist of a community that can walk beside me and leaders that inspire me to keep moving forward while setting an example for me so I can help those who are behind me. There's no shortcut to a solid foundation, and there's no better way to measure a church than by the hearts of its individual members.

The larger a building, the stronger its foundation must be to support it. That's why it's especially easy for large churches to fall victim to the temptation of placing measures of earthly success above measures of the heart. We may never get to see the foundation of the homes we live in, but it is during a storm that the foundation is put to the test. In the same way, storms may strike a church and test the strength of its foundation in Christ. When big changes happen, when people go through difficult times, and when the earthly measures of the church crumble, will the congregation fall apart, or will it stand strong because of its solid foundation? Of course, remaining rooted in Christ isn't always easy, and I have no right to point fingers at anyone for messing up. But I believe that if a church repeatly attempts to fix deep problems with surface repairs, and if it is easily shaken time after time when storms strike, then perhaps it needs to reconsider where it's focusing all its resources on.

So, does this mean that my ideal church is a large one or a small one? My answer is that it is as large or small as it needs to be to remain standing firmly on its foundation. It's not about the present size of a church, but rather about its ability to welcome members, attract them to return week after week, and prompt them to spread the good news of Jesus Christ to others. Such a cycle would not function properly unless the church is rooted properly in Christ to begin with. And such rooting should result in a discipleship or small group system that makes sure nobody who seeks a healthy walk with God is left alone. Jesus is the vine, and we are the branches (John 15). Only when we remain in him can we bear the fruits of the spirit (Galatians 5:22-23). And only when individuals are rooted in Christ can the church as a whole, which is the body of Christ, effectively fulfill its purpose.

09/27: Heat Wave

In case anyone here in SoCal today hasn't noticed, it's hot. I tend to complain more about heat than most people around me do, but today's weather is in a league of its own. In the afternoon, the temperature in Walnut was 111 degrees. I guess that's slightly better than the record-setting 113 degree temperature in downtown LA. But still, it's friggin insane. Even with the A/C switched on, it was still warm enough that I had to leave my room every 15 minutes or so and go downstairs where it's much cooler. It felt as if there was a constant battle between nature and machine, and based on the number of power outages all over SoCal today, I think nature gets the trophy. Thankfully, Walnut hasn't fallen victim to a power outage... at least not yet. (I'm pressing Ctrl-S after every sentence as I write just in case I jinx myself).

To all the freshmen who just started college, this would be a perfect chance to begin learning the art of ditching class. I'm trying to imagine the walk from the UCLA dorms to class, and as much as I love walking and enjoying being outdoors, this is not a good day to do it. When weather reporters are urging everyone to stay indoors and protect elderly people and pets from life-threatening temperatures, it's probably a good idea to not walk for an hour down a big hill and back up. And I'm sure there are more interesting things to do at school than listen to a chem lecture given by a professor who probably also wishes he could have stayed home instead. Then again, last time I checked, some of our residential halls still don't have air conditioning...

It's funny how almost all of the news reports on TV had to do with the heat. And everytime I see those reports, it reminds me of just how dumb people in this country can be. Do we really need to be told time after time in big bold letters that it's important to drink lots of water on a hot day? And believe it or not, staying in shaded areas can help you keep cool. Earlier this summer when the last big heat wave hit SoCal, the geniuses on the news ended their list of ways to stay safe in extremely hot weather with "avoid drinking alcoholic beverages if possible". "If possible"?? Makes me wonder how many Bud Lights were hiding in their lunch room as they were speaking. Because apparently, some people consider alcohol more necessary than surviving a heat storm. Maybe they should also suggest that people avoid crossing the street blindfolded - if possible.

One thing I love about this journal is being able to look back and bring back memories from the past, and after watching countless news reports on how people found different ways to survive today's heat, I suddenly found myself curious about what I did on this same day a year ago.

Last year, 9/27 was a Sunday, and apparently there was "this ridiculous heat storm that seems to make doing anything outside the house so much more difficult. And I wouldn't exactly consider my room comfortable, even sometimes when the AC's on. If the weather is nice, it will make my life so much easier as I continue to focus on making the most out of my time at home" (9/27/09 entry).

It's as if the old me stole words right out of the mouth of the present me. Since my work schedule now is still pretty relaxed, I have plenty of time to spend at home, and if the temperature could drop itself a few degrees (or, in today's case, a few dozen degrees), then I feel like I could accomplish so much more. So I guess this heat wave thing is an annual occurrence. The only difference between today and this day last year is that I spent this day last year enjoying a barbecue party and a few beers with a bunch of friends. I guess last year's heat wave must not have been nearly as bad as this one, because it's going to take much more than a few beers for me to agree to barbecuing on a 111-degree day.

Since I don't drink alcohol too often, following the advice of the news shouldn't be a problem. (Yes, apparently it's really possible!) However, I'm making an exception for root beer, which is already in the fridge ready to be popped open during the hottest time of the day tomorrow. I know, I know, soda isn't gonna help keep me hydrated. That's why there's also a huge pitcher of ice-cold water in the fridge. And an equally huge pitcher of strawberry lemonade. It's during days like this that I truly start to appreciate the little luxuries in life. After enjoying a nice brunch with Victoria and Jenny a couple weeks ago, during which I discovered the wonder of lemonade with fresh cut strawberries, I came home, told Mom about it, and *poof*, there's a pitcher of it in the fridge now. I had some after coming home from work earlier today, and it was absolutely heavenly. The one good thing about insanely hot weather is that it makes cold beverages taste insanely better. Just imagine coming home from work, school, or whatever else requires being out in 111-degree heat, and downing an ice-cold glass of fresh strawberry lemonade. I can close my eyes and hear choirs of angels singing the Hallelujah chorus...

To be honest, I'm just writing now to use up some energy so that I can sleep better. It's the worst feeling ever to be lying in bed unable to fall asleep, especially when it's because of something uncontrollable like the weather. And in those times I tend to start getting frustrated, which would make the heat even worse, and make me not sleep well the whole night, and make my head hurt the next day, and... you get the drift. So yea, hopefully after I take a shower, I can jump in bed and knock out right away. Then it would be as if this heat wave never existed - that is, until I wake up tomorrow morning.

09/26: Another day, another addition to the ever-increasing list of fallen church groups I've been involved in throughout my life as a Christian. I believe that every one of these groups has taught me valuable lessons in my relationship with God, and that it was He who placed me there as a part of His masterplan. I understand nothing on earth lasts forever, but am I the only one who believes that things don't always have to end like this? In college, I said goodbye to my pursuit of a degree in engineering believing that even though there are sacrifices to be made, God has prepared a more suitable place for me. When I graduated, I said goodbye to my life as an undergraduate with confidence that I had made the most out of my time in college and would not have any regrets. But when it comes to goodbyes at church, I find it much harder to approach them with the same optimistic attitude.

Maybe it's because I have very high standards for people in my life who have been Christians for a long time, especially when it comes to church-related activities. I try my best to not get frustrated so easily, but when I see the same problems appear over and over again as they have for years, how can I not be disappointed? Every community within the church exists as an act of worship to God, and even though we're imperfect, God wants us to offer our hearts above our actions. That means we need to put in effort - something I really wish I can see more of, both with myself and with others. We've definitely made great progress, and God has definitely done great things in us and through us, both as individuals and as groups. But still it breaks my heart to see that even after several years, many people are still either oblivious to the problems or apologizing for the same mistakes over and over again without making an effort to change. I hate to be so critical, but after years of seeing the same patterns (and being repeatedly hurt by them in one way or another), it's hard for me to keep quiet.

I know I am far from meeting God's high standards, and that I really have no right to judge anybody. But I truly believe that if we as a community are truly seeking God, then we will not see the same problems knock us down over and over again. And so far, what I'm seeing is a cycle that has repeated itself countless times over the years. New ministries start up and everyone feels excited, then over time we either lose sight of the importance of staying rooted in God or fall victim to our weaknesses as leaders. Then the weaknesses trickle down to everyone in the group, and the initial passion slowly dies down. In the end, things simply cruise along out of obligation, guilt, or the desire to remain comfortable, until a storm strikes and we realize we haven't properly laid down our foundations. Then everything comes crumbling down. I really hate to have to say this, but the truth is that this pattern basically sums up my whole life as a Christian when it comes to finding a healthy community. I have my weaknesses too, but I have yet to find a person or group who can help me grow in my faith without leaving me heartbroken at the end. Right now, I'm strong enough to see the problems around me, but too weak to step up and do something about them. So when things continue to crumble one by one, I'm always left disappointed and thinking that they really shouldn't have to end this way.

Given that I've always been more or less of an orphan at church, treated as insignificant and abandoned with minority groups that deserve far better, I honestly feel like I've done my best in each of the groups God placed me in. Whether onstage or offstage, whether on Sunday or during the week, whether at church or in a small group meeting, I've tried my best to do what I do with the intent of giving God glory, whether as a leader or as a follower. But time after time, I find my attempts unappreciated and my optimism knocked down. I'm not trying to please anyone at church except for God. And if people don't get it, then there's nothing more I can do at this point.

It would be wrong of me to end this entry on such a dismal note though, because my goal is not to criticize anyone or make God's church seem hopeless. Whether people choose to stay at this church or leave, whether our various communities end up surviving or perishing, I believe God is still able to give every one of His stories a happy ending. Even when people decide to leave this church and go somewhere else, I not only pray for them, but believe that God has great plans for them wherever they may go. Change is already happening at an increasing pace; the problems in our church have caused many of us to grow much closer to God, and more and more I'm starting to see that we have people who are blessed and gifted in many different areas and have hearts filled with love. I believe this church has great potential, and that God will do something amazing with it in the future. But I've been left hungry for far too long, and I'm pretty sure it isn't God's intention for me to starve to death.

Sometimes I feel tempted to blame the church's past for the mess we're in now. But the truth that if I must blame anyone, it would be myself. Sure, our church has had its share of inept leaders and administrators over the years. But does the church not exist to serve a God who is perfect, holy, and just? If I have been hurt because anyone has misled me in the past, it hurts God just as much to see His child malnourished. God loves His children, and there are countless verses in the Bible showing that He cares about our relationships with Him and will direct our paths according to His will. The bottom line is that my heart must be right with Him and seek Him above all else, because only then can I feel confident that He is leading the way ahead of me.

Even just in these past few weeks, God has shown me in truly amazing ways that He has not abandoned me, and because of that I feel greatly encouraged despite so many circumstances that discourage me. God always knows exactly what I need. In fact, He knows my needs even better than I do. It almost feels like I'm in one of those movie scenes in which a hero comes and rescues me from a burning building just before it collapses. And because God is the author, I know this story will have a happy ending if I trust Him. As for how my role at this church now may or may not change in the future, the decision is fully in God's hands. And when I am fueled by a desire to follow His will and a willingness to take action on my part, I can rest assured that He will take care of the rest. Even when everything around me crumbles, I will remain standing, because my foundation is laid in a God who is faithful and unchanging.

09/21: Picture of the Day

Summer's over, and when it comes to car spotting here in California, things generally move downhill from this point through Daylight Savings and into the darker and more rainy seasons. Fortunately, it's been such an exciting summer that I can bank on my existing photos and videos to make sure I can continue to put stuff online regularly for several months. This morning, I logged into Exotics on Road and discovered a very pleasant surprise.

Remember that epic Sunday afternoon encounter on Rodeo Drive in which supercars conquered an entire block of parking spaces? (8/11 entry) Needless to say, I took a ridiculous amount of pictures that day, and not only have those pictures allowed me to enjoy a great time sharing them on various spotting websites, but this particular shot has also earned me my first Picture of the Day on EOR.

09/15: Personal Church Dilemma Pt. 1: Cultural and Racial Issues

Having grown up at my current church and seen its problems escalate to seemingly uncontrollable levels in this past year, I can't help but think about how these things have impacted my life and will continue to impact me. I do my best to approach these problems with a positive attitude and without slandering any individuals or groups. And anyone who has asked me about it knows that I am neither insisting on leaving the church nor insisting on staying. It would be foolish of me to make such a decision by myself, since the purpose of church is to worship God. But I must admit that my growing number of concerns have opened my mind and prompted me to ask myself, "if I were to choose a new church to attend, what would it be like?"

All my past and current experiences with churches and other Christian groups have influenced me in one way or another, and while I've had both positive experiences and negative ones, I've come to know that in the end what matters most is whether or not I choose to stand firm in my own walk with God. Churches can teach me about God, and communities can encourage and strengthen me, but those things won't get me very far unless I also do my part. And as for whether that means I will eventually switch churches or not, the decision is all in God's hands. By simply opening my mind to the possibilities involved with exploring new churches, I've grown tremendously in many ways. And no matter where God leads me in the future, I pray that the issues I'm considering will continue to give me a deeper understanding of who God made me to be, both as an individual and in a church setting.

The first issue that comes to my mind involves the kind of people I would worship with. I praise God for having blessed me with opportunities to travel around the world and experience many different approaches to Sunday worship services. Sometimes I feel like I blend in perfectly, while other times I struggle to connect with the people around me. I consider every one of these experience valuable, but when it comes to selecting a place to call my spiritual home, it is crucial that I ask myself, "is it right for me now to remain in an Asian-American church, or is it better for me to explore a more multicultural setting?"

Having grown up in a predominantly Chinese-American church and participated in ministries that have established themselves primarily in Chinese-speaking communities, I find it unsurprising that my current career paths cater most toward these people. My academic tutoring job thrives on the importance of academics in Asian cultures. The keyboard improvisation course I'm currently teaching also seems to appeal most to Asian-Americans, especially those who attend church. Opportunities for me to excel in either path typically come through word of mouth. In other words, surrounding myself with the right groups of people is crucial for me to grow in my current jobs. I do my best to earn the trust of my students and their families, but such trust comes most easily through common connections such as attending the same church. I try to see my jobs not just as means of earning money, but as ways to use what God has first blessed me with to bless others. And it seems like remaining in an Asian-American church setting would best allow me to use my gifts to serve others.

But of course, there's so much more to choosing a church than just pleasing myself. Even though I do consider the effects this decision may have on my future career paths, I make every effort to pray against the desire to let my concerns about my own future take precedence over my need for a healthy spiritual family. My career is important, but God is so much bigger than that. And while being in an Asian-American church may benefit my career in many ways, it can also have consequences.

God has called me to be a musician, and I have yet to discover what branch of this wide spectrum of music I should pursue. I do believe, however, that as a musician it is important for me to be fluent in all kinds of genres so that I can apply them as I see fit. Anyone who has worked in Asian-American media industries knows that their potentials are very limited. Most experienced people in these industries would recommend young artists to either return to Asia to work or stay and try to break into mainstream American communities. Even though my past musical experiences outside of Asian circles are limited, those experiences have helped me realize that there's so much more to learn in the world of music that can only be learned outside of my comfort zone. With that in mind, perhaps staying in an Asian-American setting would limit my abilitiy in the long run to develop my God-given gifts in music.

I truly believe that a person's culture and ethnic background is an important part of his/her God-given identity. Having grown up in an area with a large Asian population, I've come to clearly see both the pros and the cons of our culture. Sometimes, cultural beliefs that stem from good intentions end up hurting the church and its members. For example, the idea of respecting one's elders can cause older members of the church to become prideful and prevent youth leaders from having their voices heard. Parents who idolize academics and stubbornly force their kids onto certain career paths can deny their kids of precious opportunities to discover the things that God placed on their hearts. Especially in places like here where Asians represent a majority of the local population, we often feel like we can get away with anything just because we're around people who also speak Chinese, and as a result the church can become a sloppy, half-hearted attempt at pleasing God as a disguise for wanting to feel comfortable and please ourselves.

Of course, no culture is perfect, and every culture faces its unique share of struggles. And I'm very thankful that God has given me some opportunities to worship Him in settings where I am an ethnic minority so that I could begin to see issues that pertain to more than just my own culture. But while I definitely embrace a multicultural approach to church, I must admit that some of my experiences in those groups have been rather difficult. Many churches try to create an environment where people of all cultures can feel welcome, but as a result fail to acknowledge the importance of the individual cultures that make up the diverse whole. In such groups, I find it hard to connect with people in the same way I connect with people who understand my background better. And in the long run, that lack of understanding leaves me feeling rather empty.

So what should the church do about these problems? I think the important question here is not whether or not I attend an Asian-American church, but whether or not the church can deal with cultural and racial issues in a healthy way. It is important that I attend a church where people can understand my culture in such a way that I can connect and share wtih them. I feel more comfortable around people who understand me, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. But it is just as important that I attend a church that welcomes diversity. There's nothing wrong with a church that attracts predominantly Asians, but when an individual of a different culture steps in the door, will we welcome him/her as a brother/sister, or will we let the weaknesses of our own culture prevent us from showing them God's love? Members of Asian-American churches (including leaders) often feel so comfortable being with people just like ourselves that we forget there are others who need God as much as we do. Focusing on ministering to specific groups of people can be a blessing, but denying anyone a role in the Body of Christ is a sin.

The healthy approach to dealing with issues of culture and race in the church is to work from the inside out. If the church focuses only on diversity and fails to meet the needs of individual groups, in the end people will feel distant and empty. But when the church teaches its members to embrace their God-given ethnic identities and makes an effort to reach out to the needs of each culture, people can then identify the strengths and weaknesses of their cultures and use them to worship God in unique ways with a deeper understanding of who God created them to be. It takes a lot more work than it would to simply run a Sunday service and tell everyone they are welcome to attend. But only when each individual group finds confidence and joy in its unique identity can the chuch as a whole effectively achieve the diverse environment of heartfelt worship it strives to achieve.

When Jesus began his ministry, one of the first things he did was confront the issue of racial superiority (Luke 4). While He often directed specific messages to specific groups of people, in the end it is clear that the gospel message is available to all people regardless of culture or race. Rather than focusing on whether or not I will chose to be in an Asian-American church, I should focus on whether or not the church follows Jesus' approach to cultural and racial issues. The church should not only understand my needs as a Chinese-American, but also welcome and embrace people who come from different backgrounds. And as for my personal concerns such as how a church will impact my career paths, those things are all in God's hands. After all, the purpose of going to church is to give Him glory.

09/10: Taiwan

I've been thinking a lot about Taiwan lately, and even occasionally having dreams about seeing my friends who live there. To be honest, during this past year or so I really haven't been doing my part to stay in touch with people in Taiwan that I met and/or spent time with during my past two visits. But I'm very glad to know that they haven't forgotten me. In fact, several of them recently contacted me asking if I would be going to Taiwan again anytime soon. They asked because they know that Clay Music's upcoming Taiwan tour begins this weekend. And unfortunately, the answer is no.

Because of various concerns (which I have already explained to those who may have expected to see me), we decided that it would be best to employ instrumentalists from Taiwan on this tour rather than those from America. The purpose of our concerts is to glorify God through sharing the good news, so regardless of whether or not I'm participating, I still wish and pray that people will attend and be blessed by the music and testimonies.

I must admit it's sad though to think that a part of me has been looking forward to this trip ever since I knew about it. But I know that as with last year's trip, the decision for me to go was not mine, but God's (03/03/09 entry). And if God chooses to leave the doors closed this time, then surely He has a good reason for doing so. When the time is right, He will open the doors again. Surely He allowed me to meet my friends and be reunited with my family in Taiwan for a reason, and if He is willing, surely we will be reunited again. For now, I must continue to trust Him. I pray that He will bless those who are participating in or attending the events of this tour, that He will be glorified through each concert of this trip. And I pray that I will always remember that He is with me regardless of this trip, and that I will continue to earnestly seek His will in my life.

09/09: It's been a few weeks since school started for the high schoolers, meaning I'm officially back into doing schooltime tutoring. It seems like it's always around this time of the year when I feel the greatest need to complain about my work, since a lot of people still can't seem to make up their minds about things, and in the end it hurts me a lot more than they realize. My biggest problem now, though, is that I really should be working a lot more than I actually am. I think this problem really runs in my family. We know that there's a big demand for what we have to offer, but we have no idea how to present and promote ourselves. Everything just comes and goes as it pleases. Somehow God always provides, and I have no doubt that He still can. But somehow during the wait I always feel the urge to be more productive. It's a strange feeling, because I'm not one of those workaholic types who idolize busyness and use it to cover up deeper issues. I love being real with myself and with others, and I love putting aside the busyness of life and focusing on the things that matter most. But the fact that I'm spending a ridiculous amount of time every day not working makes me feel really uneasy.

I'm sure God's trying to teach me something, but I just don't know what it is. Is this His way of telling me to shift my time and focus more toward teaching music? (The program I started in the summer is still cruising along, but now that everyone's busy with school and other things, it will be much harder to make progress). I feel like I've been stuck in this dilemma for ages. I can go out and start applying for jobs, but based on the things I studied in college and the things I've spent my post-graduation years doing, I really can't think of a suitable direction to seek employment in. Or I can stay focused on what I do now (tutoring, music, etc.) and try to make progress here. I've always been leaning more toward the latter option. But how do I make progress? The wheel is turning very slowly, but the momentum has yet to pick up.

I should be thankful that at least I'm not completely unemployed. The glass is either half empty or half full; it just depends on how I choose to see it. And despite my frustrations, there's really no need to be pessimistic when I know that God is in control. He will take care of everything as He sees fit. I'm just concerned that I may be failing to do my part. God, please show me what I should be doing, right here, right now. I don't want to dwell in my discontent; I just want to do my best. And doing my best is always doing that which pleases You. May Your will continue to be done.

09/01: Supercar Sunday Run

This entry really should have been written three nights ago, except on Sunday I was too exhausted to think straight, and in the days that followed I spent just about all my time (outside of work) working on a video that I finally finished this afternoon, hence the free time to write this entry now. Let me explain.

Yes, it's another car meet. And yes, since it was a Sunday, it had to be the weekly Supercar Sunday meet in Woodland Hills. It was my first time checking out the event since it moved to its current location, and anyone who either was there on that day or read/heard about it knows that luck was definitely in my favor. From what I heard from various people who attend SCS regularly, this was possibly the single largest turnout. Ever. And there was just as much quality as quantity - Shelby Series One, Gallardo Valentino Balboni edition, Miura SV, Vector Avtech, SLR 722S Roadster, the list can go on for so long that I'd rather save my brain a little work for the sake of protecting my sanity.

And it's amazing that all this caught me by surprise. Since it was my first time going to SCS, I didn't know what to expect at all. So why bother waking up at inhumane hours and driving all the way out to Woodland Hills, and why choose to go on that particular day? That's the best part of it all. The truth is that I didn't choose the day. And I didn't drive either.

It's one thing to go to a car meet and park in the side where the spectators park, and I'm definitely no stranger to that experience. But it's a different story when you actually get to roll in something worthy of the display area. Special thanks to Richard for inviting me to join him on an epic adventure that made the journey to the event no less phenomenal than the event itself. The featured marque happened to be Porsche, and Richard's 996 Turbo was a perfect candidate. Through the combined effort of several local performance car forums, a run was organized so everybody could cruise together and arrive at SCS at the same time. And I had the great honor of riding in Richard's Turbo and capturing the journey on camera.

The first of the two official rendezvous spots just happened to be in good ol' Diamond Bar, at the gas station closest to my house. I get gas there all the time, just not at 5:30 in the morning. And I'd never seen the place so crowded before. Somehow we managed to gather 20 cars there, including several 911 Turbos, two GTR's, three Ferraris (including a 458 Italia), and no less than half a dozen NSX's. I wonder if the dude working in the food mart was mad that we took up all the pumps or glad because he never gets so many customers at 5AM. It really didn't matter though, because very soon we were lined up along the freeway onramp ready to hit the throttles. Three, two, one...

Oh, the freedom of it all! And it's really wasn't about driving fast and showing off like a lot of people imagine it to be. The largely unoccupied freeway, the sound of a bunch of performance-oriented engines, and the view of the sun slowly lighting up the sky behind us left us all knowing deep inside that sometimes the best things in life really do happen when most of the world is still asleep.

We arrived at the second meeting spot - a plaza in Arcadia - just as it got bright enough for my camera to let nature take over the flash. And holy crap, there were a lot of cars. The original group of 6 NSX's grew to over 20, and there were over 30 Porsches, plus the Ferraris, GTR's, and more, making a total of over 60 cars. And remember, this is not just a bunch of cars on display. We were simply getting ready to cruise together to the actual meet. The 60 cars parked together in the lot soon became an endless herd of high-end performance cars taking over the freeway by storm. Destination - Woodland Hills.

Just imagine driving on the freeway on an ordinary day and suddenly realizing that everywhere you look - in front of you, next to you, in your rearview mirrors - there are supercars, so many supercars that for a second you wonder whether you're actually driving or just playing Gran Turismo. We received plenty of stares - confused stares, dazzled stares, and "Oh my God!" stares, often accompanied by cell phone cameras. The sun was already up, meaning it was a perfect opportunity to take action photos of the cars along with videos. I wasn't the only cameraman/passenger in the group, but the drivers that brought passengers were the only ones allowed to use the carpool lane, meaning we were able to capture basically the whole width of the freeway drenched in supercars. What an amazing experience - just being there, right in the middle of all the action, enjoying life in a way very few people get to experience.