12/31: 2010 Reflections

As unbelieveable as it seems, another year has come to an end. It has been another exciting year filled with all kinds of great adventures. I went to Dallas with Clay Music for a tour in March. I launched Exotic Affinity (my car spotting YouTube channel) back in January and watched it grow every month. I had the honor of arranging many songs in an album by my friend who is a rapper - a project that spanned over half a year and was finally completed in November (11/26 entry). My grandparents and uncle from Taiwan had the very special opportunity of coming to America to visit us a couple weeks ago. Then there were the UCLA visits, my annual summer barbecue party, my first San Diego area trip, and, of course, the series of prepaid Disneyland trips thanks to my friends who chipped in to get me an annual pass for Christmas last year. I can spend hours looking back at all the fun times with friends, incredible car-spotting adventures, music performances, and countless other little things that made the year so exciting and memorable. And many times when I write end-of-the-year reflection entries like this, that's exactly what I would do.

But 2010 has been about much more than just that. This is a year in my life that very few people really know about, because many of the most important things that took place in it are almost invisible at the surface level. But those who looked deep enough can testify that it's been one heck of a roller coaster ride in just about every way imaginable. If anyone asked me at the beginning of 2010 what I wanted the year to look like, I would have probably said that I wished to keep having fun with my friends and doing music projects and performances while continuing to work as a private tutor and to seek God's will for my life. But many times, even when I feel like I have everything under control, my plans aren't always what's best for me. That's why I'm so thankful that God not only sees the big picture, but also directs my life according to His will. And looking back now, I have no doubt that it was He who took me on this series of amazing and unexpected adventures that completely turned my life around.

This year kicked off with so many exciting activities that I described the period of time as among the most fun I've ever had since I graduated from college (1/03). But from there things made a huge turn. In a span of about a week, I had to face many frustrations in just about every aspect of my life (1/14) - friends who took advantage of me and broke my heart, students who showed no respect for me and failed to be considerate, and circumstances beyond my control that made me feel helpless and hurt. Amidst the chaos, I looked forward to going to UCLA to visit friends that Saturday - something that had never failed to fill my heart with joy. But that visit ended up even more of a disaster than the week that preceded it. That night, I was left with no choice but to conclude that I could not trust anybody without being hurt sooner or later (1/19). My eyes were opened to see just how desperately I had held on to imperfect things, such as my relationships with people and my desire to always go out and have fun, in order to feel secure. I knew right away that my life was in desperate and immediate need of some major changes. That marked the beginning of what I simply referred to as the "Time of Change" - an indefinite period of time characterized by reprioritizing my life, trying to heal from my past hurts, and practicing many strict disciplinary fasts to help me achieve those goals (1/23).

My ability to trust people in my life was reduced to such a low level that I decided to completely give up chatting online, hanging out with friends, and many other things until the wounds in my heart were healed. I began writing a series of "Transformation Journals" - my personal reflections on the ways God was working in my life, interwoven with things I learned from church sermons and devotionals and applied to various important events taking place at the time (1/30-8/20). Even now, I look back at many of those journals and find myself amazed at having written such insightful words. But that only shows that as I learned to turn to God alone for security, He was truly blessing me with wisdom. Only by making the seemingly ridiculous decision to give up many things that weren't even necessarily bad things to begin with was I able to see past the many distractions in my daily life and realize that God alone deserves my complete trust, and that trusting in Him brings me a great joy and freedom that cannot be found anywhere else.

Several months passed, and the focus of my Transformation Journals began to shift from my own life to my relationship with others. Having learned to discipline myself, I realized how much people around me were hurting by being undisciplined. Having overcame many of my insecurites, I became sensitive to those around me who were hurting from the same things just like I once was. It wasn't until April that I, having spent a tremendous amount of time seeking God's wisdom regarding relationships, finally concluded that the things I had learned were demanding to be practiced. I began breaking my fasts and building relationships with friends again as an individual who was not dependent on them for security, but simply wanted to love them.

The Time of Change couldn't have happened at a better time, because I really don't know how else I would have survived a lot of issues that challenged my faith without having first realized just how important it is to depend fully on God. Through a series of events that slowly brought to light a lot of the corruption and disunity of the church I grew up in, my idea of a secure spiritual home was completely shattered. Arguments broke out, leaders quit their jobs, and people in desperate need of discipleship were left alone. By the time summer came around, the church looked nothing like it did just months ago. I, like many others, began to consider the idea of switching churches, though I decided to wait and not take action right away in fear of being driven by the desire to simply follow the people I felt comfortable with.

Summer, as expected, was a very slow season for my tutoring job. After much prayer from people at the weekly discipleship group I went to, I attempted to re-enter the music education business with a focus on teaching keyboard improvisation to people who already had a solid background in piano. Having spent hours making outlines and planning strategies, I was able to help many students over the summer learn not only to play piano without being bound by sheet music, but also to do so in a way that can be beneficial for serving at their churches.

As I continued to seek God's wisdom in just about every aspect of my life, I knew that I could not hide under the umbrella of the Time of Change forever. In August, I wrote the last of over 50 Transformation Journals, and marked the official end of the Time of Change with a complete redesign of my website that I had spent months working on (8/23). It was the first time I redesigned the site in six years, and the new look not only gave it a more mature appearance to match the things I had been writing on it, but also served as as symbol of the significance of the Time of Change and all that I had learned from it. Even though the period of discipline was officially over, I knew that the many important lessons I learned had become a lifestyle and would forever change the way I live.

The new schoolyear began, and I was greeted with a surprisingly small number of students who needed tutoring. Many former students who I had thought would continue after summer decided not to answer my calls anymore, and even though I had spoken with several potential new clients over the summer, none of them decided to follow up. Of the few students I did have, most of them drove me insane with last-minute reschedulings, unreasonable cancellations, and other things that really made me wonder why I was even trying. On top of that, the inevitable busyness of academic life for my music students reduced my keyboard improvisation course down to almost nothing. I became extremely frustrated with my work life, feeling once again tempted to blame my father's death for my inability to succeed in this world (10/20).

Things at church weren't looking too bright either. The group of musically gifted brothers and sisters that I had met with on a weekly basis for over a year disbanded as a result of the problems that shattered the church. The weekly discipleship group that had encouraged me and helped me grow also fell apart. Fortunately, at around the same time, I discovered a fellowship that, though not a replacement for church, provided me with a community of believers around my age that I can grow with and be encouraged by. I had kept silent about this fellowship for months, but will explain the reasons when I write more about it in the near future. Participating in this group required great commitment, discipline, and even a little sacrifice. But my desire to be part of a God-centered community prompted me to return week after week.

The fellowship was almost always the highlight of my week, especially during a time when everything else in my life seemed to be headed downhill. With work, church, and just about everything else making me frustrated, I found myself waking up every morning with almost nothing to look forward to and being forced to live the unproductive and purposeless life that I had always despised. My days were unproductive and my nights were restless, so much so that I could barely tell the difference between the two. On top of that, in October my car was involved in a crash and had to spend almost a month in the shop. I knew that God was still there in the midst of my struggles, and that He had a reason for everything. But at that point I was too busy complaining about my problems to turn to Him for help.

Then, amidst all my frustrations, I came to realize that many times when I thought I was seeking God's will or trying to live passionately, I was actually using those things as excuses to avoid my responsibility to guard my heart and use it for God's glory (11/02). I concluded that rather than always complaining about my aimless life, I needed to get out of my comfort zone and find a real full-time stable job. God definitely heard the cries of my heart; in less than a week and a half, I had the chance to meet with the boss of a freight forwarding company who wanted to see if I was interested in the industry, and the very next morning, I found myself sitting at my new office desk (11/08). It made no sense to me that any boss would decide to hire someone with an irrelevant college degree, no knowledge of the field, and absolutely no experience in the corporate world, not to mention that everything happened so quickly that I didn't even have time to get on my knees and pray about it first. But that's how I knew without doubt that it was all from God.

From that day on, my whole life was turned around. I have a good reason to get up early every morning, and I can return home every night feeling accomplished and able to rest peacefully and joyfully. Even though my job may seem like a typical "boring office job", the longer I worked, the more I came to love it, because through it I was able to see over and over again just how blessed I am (11/11). As for my teaching/tutoring job, I unofficially quit, keeping only my existing students as a night job but no longer accepting any new ones (11/21). With my office job, I have the stable income and sense of accomplishment that I have always wanted. At the same time, I can continue helping my students as a tutor and pursuing my love for music without being financially depenent on them. I reprioritized my life with God above everything else, and He reached out to me when I felt helpless and transformed my life in just about every way possible to remind me that He is, in fact, a great and trustworthy God.

I know God doesn't operate by the same calendar as we do, but each time a year comes to an end, I can't help but wish to come up with some kind of theme to remember it by. Perhaps a good theme for 2010 would be change, since the Time of Change took up the majority of the year and truly turned my life from the inside out. Perhaps it is growth, since one thing that motivated just about everything I did this year was the desire to grow in various ways. Or perhaps it is faith, since the many difficult times in this year have taught me over and over again just how important it is to trust in God alone. But while each of those things played an important role in my life in this past year, none of them can really capture that deep, innermost contentment I feel when I look back at everything that took place.

That's where the last major event of the year - the Grace 2010 conference in Indiana - comes in. I went only because Clay Music was leading worship there for the Chinese congregation, and I had expected to have lots of free time with nothing to do, during which I could sit by myself and try to come up with a good theme for 2010. After all, with so many twists and turns throughout the year, it would probably help for me to go far away from my life at home and reflect on it from an outside perspective. But the conference turned out to be an amazing time of meeting friends from across the country, retreating from the busyness of everyday life, and, most of all, encountering God in such a deep and life-changing way that all I wanted to do was sing praises to Him unceasingly (12/30). And as Grace 2010 came to an end, I realized that there is no better word to sum up the year than that after which the conference is named.

One thing I've learned over and over again throughout the year is that life isn't all about me. And looking back at everything that happened, I have to say that it's not about how much I've changed, how much I've grown, or how much I learned to have faith. But instead, it's about God's grace. It was by grace that I was given the courage to abandon my seemingly flourishing social life and discover the infinitely greater joy and peace of turning to God for security. It was by grace that I was given the wisdom to remain strong when my work, my church, and so many other things in my life tempted me to give up. It was by grace that I was blessed with my current office job despite my lack of any sort of qualifications. And it was by grace that I was invited to the conference in the Midwest to wrap up the year, not just so I could play piano and make good music, but so God could meet me and surprise me with a glimpse of His great love.

I must admit that there are many things I had hoped to accomplish by the end of the year that I couldn't, largely because I simply didn't have enough time or energy to do so. After over a month and a half of being trained to work in the corporate world, I'm still far from being able to fulfill my job description without making critical mistakes or driving my co-workers crazy by asking so many stupid questions. As for things at church, I have yet to spend a sufficient amount of time thinking and praying to determine whether I should stay at my current church or leave to explore other options. Many friendships in my life that often appear important have become so shallow that I really don't know what to do with them anymore. And what about my family, my tutoring job, and my love for music? These are all things I cannot deal with without wisdom from God to discern what's right or wrong. And who knows what anything in my life will look like by this time next year? I often find myself a little scared to realize how many uncertainties still lie ahead of me. But that's just the way life is, and that makes me even more glad to worship a God who is perfect, loving, faithful, and unchanging. Looking back at everything that happened in this past year, I can really say with confidence that it would have been impossible for me to end up where I am right now without the God in whom I can feel fully secure and find complete peace. I surrendered my pen to Him, and He has written some truly amazing stories in my life beyond anything I could have dreamed of. And as another year begins, I look forward to all the new adventures that it will bring and welcome it as another opportunity to celebrate God's surprising love and amazing grace.

12/30: Surprised by Love

It started as a typical concert tour with Clay Music - we traveled to a new place, did our best to make the most of our precious sleep time, located the nearest Starbucks, and prepared our hearts to make music to give God glory. I knew all along that this trip would be a little different though. First, we weren't exactly having concerts, since our job was to lead worship for a big Chinese Christian conference called "Grace 2010". Also, it wasn't really a tour, since we would be spending the whole duration of the trip in the same hotel with the same group of people. Past experiences have taught me that it's always fun to perform in front of the same people for multiple sessions, since it breaks the ice between the floor and the stage and creates a spirit of unity and intimacy. But that was as far as my knowledge went. And from the moment we arrived at the Chicago airport on Sunday evening, every day was filled with all sorts of surprises.

First of all, there's the snow. Apparently I unintentionally gave people the impression that I've never seen snow in my life, since I was always so eager to go play outside while everyone else complained that it was cold. There's definitely snow in LA too, but the only chances I really have to touch snow are when a church retreat in the mountains happens to fall on a cold winter day. And it's been years since I last had the priveledge of attending a retreat. It still amazes me that I can open the back door of my hotel room and step right into clean snow, and that a random reindeer ice sculpture can stand on the sidewalk outside for days without melting. Several people told me that if I lived in this kind of climate for a few months, I wouldn't be enjoying it anymore. But as a spoiled resident of "sunny" Southern California, all of this is fresh and exciting, and everywhere I looked, I felt like I was a little kid in a real-life Christmas movie.

Then there's the stuff that happened within the doors of the hotel - a space that's about a million degrees warmer than it is outside. Thank God I was informed ahead of time that people in Chicago love to turn their heaters up extremely high, so I packed basically the same kinds of clothes I would wear at home. We arrived the night before the conference actually started, giving us time to rest well and enjoy a nice breakfast and still have plenty of time to set up, soundcheck, and practice before everyone started showing up for the conference in the evening. At least that's what we had hoped for. We showed up to the main meeting room after the stage/sound crews arrived, only to discover that we were missing several important items that we thought they were supposed to take care of, including a bass amp and a drum set. Suddenly, the time we had to rehearse became a very precious commodity, since troubleshooting (and importing the drums) took at least a good couple hours. But those of us who have served with Clay Music long enough know that things could be much, much worse, so we really couldn't complain too much. That's the beauty of making music for God's glory - no matter how much we try to prepare and perfect our part, in the end God always throws us a curveball or two to remind us that He's the one really in charge. And only when we're able to reach that balance of doing our best while fully humble and dependent on Him can we offer Him our most genuine worship.

Monday night was the first of the nine sessions of the Chinese conference, and the first thing that caught me off guard was the large number of people attending. I hadn't played in front of such a large group in a very long time, and it brought back great memories of us rocking out in front of thousands of other passionate worshippers during our past Asia tours. While the conference was designed for Chinese-American adults, there was also an English-speaking youth and young adult group, so when our team was being registered, Ben and I both asked to join that group. Not that we had any idea what this conference was all about, but I simply figured that being with people closer to my age and listening to sermons in English would be a little more meaningful. After playing for our first worship set, we found our way to the English meeting room on the second floor in time to catch part of the sermon and a couple praise songs. Perhaps the coordinators of the conference had forgotten to put us in the English group, because when it came time for everyone to be assigned to small groups, our names didn't get called. But then again, there were over a dozen other people who also didn't hear their names called, so when they decided to open a couple new groups, we decided to join, figuring that since we were already at the conference, we might as well participate. That was the decision that made me start to realize just what God had in store for me in the next few days.

With people from dozens of churches gathered in the same room worshipping God, listening to powerful words from guest speakers, and living, eating, and fellowshipping together for several days, this was nothing short of the retreat my heart had craved for years. Sure, I tend to prefer "retreats" out in the mountains rather than in a hotel, since it allows me to further isolate myself from my everyday life. But having traveled almost all the way across America and found myself living in a room with a back door leading straight into a field of snow, I couldn't have asked for anything more "retreat-like". The moment I realized what was really going on, I knew that amazing things were going to happen - I was going to have a chance to meet awesome new friends, encounter God in a special way, and return home transformed.

The following day, what started as a group of people assigned to the same small group became a group of friends. Many of us journeyed outside during free time and participated in an epic snow fight, followed by a game of "Word on the Street" back in the lobby in which my team totally pwned the other team. Having fun brought us closer to each other, and when we came closer to each other as a group of brothers and sisters in Christ, we gave God more room to work in our lives, both as individuals and as a group. By the time the night session was about to begin, I was feeling so attached to the English side of the conference that I had almost forgotten I came to play for worship in the Chinese-speaking congregation. It was a battle to treasure every last God-given minute; I found myself running back and forth between the two congregations, ping-ponging between rehearsing downstairs, singing praises upstairs, leading worship downstairs, joining my small group upstairs, and taking out an occasional minute or two to eat dinner. The beautiful thing about it all, though, is that all of these activities - even throwing snowballs and eating chow mein - ultimately serve the purpose of giving God glory. And even though I felt a bit overwhelmed at having so much I wanted to do in so little time, God was already at work inside my heart, even when I didn't realize it yet.

Because the Clay Music team had to practice during the already early breakfast hour, we ate between the 8:30 and 10:30 Chinese morning sessions after leading worship for the first one. Thank God for the Starbucks conveniently located inside the hotel! It was while enjoying my delicious peppermint mocha and hanging out with the band that I looked at my conference booklet and discovered that the English morning session had already started upstairs (at 9:30). By then, there wasn't much time left before we had to get ready to go on stage again for the 10:30 session. But even though all I could do was sit in the back row and sing a couple praise songs, I was still glad I went. When I made it back upstairs again, the sermon had ended and it was time for small groups. I found the people I had just met the night before, and we settled in a nearby corner with some couches, which would become our official rendezvous spot for the remainder of the conference.

We had the option of choosing from several afternoon workshops, and I chose the one on "life management", because real men don't need a workshop to teach them how to be men. (Just kidding! If I had the choice, I would have definitely gone to both!) To be honest, at first I really didn't know if I even wanted to go to a workshop or not, because up to that point I had only attended bits and pieces of the many activities and sessions available to us. But I was truly blown away by how much I learned in that one hour, and it was then that I truly became serious about being a part of the English conference.

Of course, it also helped greatly that I got to know the people in my small group so much better. I knew from the beginning that the one thing I could do at this conference that I couldn't do anywhere else was meet the people there. After all, I didn't travel all the way to Indiana just to lock myself in the hotel room all day. Yes, Indiana. It took Ben and I a whole day to realize that we were not still in Illinois. Prior to the trip, everyone referred to it as the "Chicago trip", so we naturally assumed we were going to be in Illionis, until the conference booklet told us otherwise and I had to embarass myself by asking people in our small group so we could leave the state of confusion and actually know where we were on the map. Still, sometimes I felt like I was meeting people on the moon or something, since our lives are so incredibly different. It blows me away how nobody has heard of Mammoth Lakes, or how they truly enjoyed eating Panda Express for every single friggin' meal of the conference. (Did you really expect to find authentic Chinese food in Merrillville, Indiana!?) Then again, it probably amazes them just as much that I've never had White Castle and didn't know which of the Great Lakes was Lake Michigan. Heck, I didn't even know Illionis and Indiana were next to each other. But it was through our differences that we found so much to talk about, and when friendships formed, my heart was opened, and I was ready to do whatever it would take to make the most out of my time at Grace 2010.

Wednesday morning came, and everything went just like they did the previous morning, except I drank my peppermint mocha quickly so I could be upstairs at 9:30 for the English morning session to start. We sang a few worship songs, and between each phrase, I found myself uncontrollably muttering the words "Thank You, Jesus" over and over again. I didn't know exactly what I was thanking Him for, but deep inside I felt a strange sense of confidence that God is truly good and worthy of praise. Then came a song about the cross, and suddenly the singing was cut short by tears that I can't explain. Somewhere in the midst of that music, I knew without doubt that God was present. The clock struck 10:30, and it was time to run back downstairs again to play for the Chinese congregation. What a great blessing it is to have such a priveledge! All this time, it's been fun playing on stage for God's glory, but God's love is contagious, and there's nothing like coming fresh out of an intimate time of singing praises to Him and immediately having the great honor of standing on stage to share that precious love with others.

Lunchtime brought about the opportunity to meet more friends from other "college & singles" small groups, followed by the second half of the "Life Management" workshop, which left me amazed just like the first half did. Then came more fun in the snow. I find it a little crazy that with so much white snow outside, everyone seems to be content with being confined within the walls of the hotel all day long. Then again, it's probably because most of them live in this kind of weather all the time. Still, I can't help but feel that when there's snow, you're supposed to go outside and build snowmen and have snowfights. Fortunately, we managed to recruit enough people who found at least a little pleasure in outdoor life to venture into the cold and construct a snowman so tall it made Jireh look short. Oh, and it was actually a snow bear, because the snowball that served as the head was naturally shaped like a bear's head, so we decided to, um, bear with it. The four brave souls that stayed outside the longest - Ben, Richard, Hester, and I - decided to use up the rest of our energy by rolling a snowball until it was so heavy we couldn't move it anymore. Sometime in the middle of that workout, we turned around and looked at our hotel across the street, only to discover a huge crowd lined up along the hallway window watching us get pwned by Mother Nature. It would have been nice if at least one person decided to come out and help us rather than watch us like we were animals in a zoo cage. So much for applying the morning sermon about the Good Samaritan!

We abandoned our gimongous snowball just in time for the afternoon English session. It was the last of the five regular English sessions, and it was the first session that I was able to attend from beginning to end, since the Chinese congregation was having its workshops at that time. I normally hate to show up to events late or get up and leave in the middle, but all this time I didn't have a choice because of my commitment and desire to be present both upstairs and downstairs. But God saw my heart, and He knew that I wasn't kidding when I intended to make the most out of the time He allowed for me to spend with both groups. The worship team started playing, and what happened in the morning happened again - passionate singing led to tears of love, joy, and peace. The band cut out, leaving only the voices of the congregation to continue the music. There I was, standing among a few hundred other young people who have also put aside their lives at home and made sacrifices to come to this retreat. But we were not just a bunch of people having a good time singing songs; we are a choir of the redeemed, singing songs of joy that only make sense to those who have been saved by God. And God was definitely there among us. The only bad thing was that there wasn't enough room to get up and jump without injuring the people next to me. Because at that moment, I really felt like going crazy and letting my body join my heart, soul, and mind in praising God with a freedom I hadn't experienced in years.

The sermon - the last of the five and the first that I got to hear completely, was about the exploration of Canaan (Numbers 13-14). At the sight of giants there, most of the men were overcome by fear, but Joshua and Caleb had faith that God was bigger than those giants. The Israelites, however, lost faith and wished to go back to Egypt - the very place where they were once held as slaves until God miraculously set them free. I later shared with my small group how my attitude toward the Israelites changed over the years, from thinking they were idiots for losing faith after seeing so many miracles to realizing that I myself am among them, turning back and making the same mistakes over and over again. It had already hit me that too quickly the conference would be coming to an end, and that we would soon be returning to our daily lives, filled with temptations to forget how powerful God is and go back to the way things used to be. It would be too easy to turn this conference into merely a "spiritual high" (better known there as "emotional high"). But this was already the final night, and if I really intended to let this conference impact my life, then this was the night to intend to make it last.

Onstage downstairs. Offstage upstairs. Dinner. Small group. Back on stage for an altar call downstairs. As the Clay Music team played and sang, many people in the Chinese congregation stood up and responded to God's calling for them to give up their lives and become full-time missionaries. It was truly a blessing to have a role, even if only a small one, in such a glorious moment. After that, my "work" for the day was finished, and it was time to go upstairs to attend the "Night of Worship & Praise". I ran to the entrance of the meeting room thinking I would be late, only to be shocked at the sight of everyone standing in the dimmed hallway in almost complete silence, preparing their hearts to come before a holy God. It's almost impossible to make a group of a few hundred young people keep quiet, but whatever the leaders did, it actually worked. And the moment I witnessed it, I knew it was going to be an unforgettable night.

Playing piano on stage, singing praise songs, joining small group discussions, having fun in the snow - all these things happened as acts of worship to God, and now that the day was coming to an end, it was time to let God know just how thankful I feel. The doors of the meeting room were opened, and I found a nice spot with room to move around - all the chairs had been removed, and we were free to worship God however we liked. My friends were in there too, but I didn't bother looking around to see exactly where they were in the huge room; this night was just between me and God, and I knew exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to praise Him with whatever I had to offer. I wanted to be so lost in worship that I would forget where I was and who was around me and focus fully on Him. I wanted to fall facedown and cry, lift my hands and sing, and jump up and down until there was absolutely no strength left in me anymore. And that's exactly what happened. God touched many people around the room and washed our broken hearts as white as the snow outside, and we got up and had an amazing musical snowball fight to show Him how just much we love Him.

I probably could have stayed there all night long singing praises to God. But it was already almost midnight, so the singing and jumping had to come to an end. Still, many people stuck around to talk and hang out. After all, it was the last night of the retreat, and it's one of those few times in my life when I'm fully willing to give up my sleep for things far more precious. I was tired beyond description, but God only knows when I will have a chance to see the those people again. Hester, Vincent, Jireh, and I stayed up and talked until it would have been a sin for us to keep tempting each other to stay awake any longer.

Needless to say, practicing worship songs at 7AM this morning wasn't an easy task. But I wanted to worship, and that desire allowed me to stay focused on stage during the early morning session. By then, the peppermint mocha calling my name at Starbucks had almost become a necessity. But there were more important things to worry about. Our last small group meeting had already started, and I was willing to do whatever it took to be there for at least a part of it. I had asked Hester to help me pass around a paper to get everyone's contact information in case I never got to see them as a group again, and thank God I did, because there wouldn't have been any more time to do so later. We shared our final thoughts on the conference and what we learned from the sermons and discussions, and bowed our heads to pray.

I could not attend the closing session, a time for testimonies and sharing, because the last session of the Chinese group was also about to start, and they had asked for the worship team to stay and be prepared to go back on stage for an altar call or a closing song. This conference was designed mainly for Christians, but just before the end, several people stood up and gave their lives to Christ for the first time. There's no better way to end the final session than by celebrating the growth of God's kingdom! We stayed around for a few minute afterwards to take a couple group pictures. Then I ran back upstairs as quickly as I could, really not caring about anything else other than the fact that every moment could be the last time I got to see the amazing friends I've met before everyone left to go home. I made it through the door of the meeting room just in time to hear everyone say "Amen" after the closing prayer. Then it was all over - we gave each other hugs, took a few pictures, said our goodbyes, and went our separate ways.

A rain shower last night had knocked over our giant snowbear in the field across the hotel. The reindeer ice sculpture that stood proudly on the sidewalk had collapsed after its legs became too weak to support its weight. Much of the snow had melted away, revealing the grass beneath it for the first time since we arrived. Already it feels like everything that happened in the past several days was just a dream - a dream of a great adventure that has deeply touched my heart. When I close my eyes, I still see fields of fresh white snow all around me. When the world surrounding me is silent, I still hear the sound of hundreds and thousands of worshippers singing praises, both in English and in Chinese, to the God that deserves the highest praise. The joy of engaging so passionately in worship with so many other believers is something I hadn't experienced in a very long time. I would have never guessed that what started as another concert tour could become an adventure that leaves a mark on my heart that will last for weeks, months, or even years to come.

The theme of this conference was grace, and on the first night, the main English speaker, Tom Lin, described the experience of grace as being surprised by love. Throughout the conference, I had countless opportunities to bless others, and was also blessed by others in countless ways. That's exactly how God's love should be, and each time I came to that deep, confident realization of how great God is, I found myself once again surprised. It must have been that love that turned what was originally to me just another concert tour into a life-changing experience. It must have been that love that brought me across the country to meet the amazing people I've met. And it must have been that love that prompted me to worship with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. God didn't bring me all the way to Indiana (or Illionis) just to be a musician on stage; He brought me there because He wanted to meet me there and surprise me with a glimpse of His love.

As everyone in my small group bowed our heads and prayed to conclude our last meeting, I knew that words could not describe how thankful I am for what God has done in these past few days. But I had to try my best, so with a long pause between every sentence to hold back my tears, I told Him exactly how I felt-

"God, thank You, just for being the amazing God that You are. Thank You for bringing me here, for touching my heart, and for letting me meet so many awesome people. You know that if I could, I would love to stay right here forever. But even though this conference is ending, You have taught us so much and are calling us to go back to our everyday lives and make a difference. And I believe You're going to do amazing things in our lives beyond what we can even imagine now if we're willing to follow You. There's going to be lots of things back at home that might make us forget what we've learned here, and many of those things are good things - our schools, our jobs, our families, our friends... but let us not forget that You are even greater. If we're going to call you God, then help us to truly believe it and live it out. May we be brave and learn to take risks and make investments for Your glory. May we always remember how much You love us and how much grace You have given us and are always willing to give to us again. I believe You didn't let us all come here and meet each other for no reason, and as we go our separate ways, may we continue to pray for each other and encourage each other to remember what we learned and apply them, so that this conference will truly have a lasting impact on our lives. In Jesus' name, Amen."

12/25: Merry Christmas! It's been an amazing week of spending lots of time with my relatives from Taiwan and taking them out to eat all kinds of good food. I'm leaving for Chicago with Clay Music tomorrow morning, so I need to make sure the luggage sitting in my room doesn't stay empty much longer. Please keep our trip in your prayers, not only that we can travel safely and stay healthy, but also that we can have open hearts to do whatever God calls us to do there. Trips like these are never very predictable, and that can be a good thing, because it teaches us to depend on God rather than just our own abilities. And only God knows what He'll use our music to do on this trip and what important lessons we'll be learning.

It's starting to hit me that this is probably one of the last entries I'll write this year. It makes me a little sad, since there are so many things I had hoped to accomplish by the end of the year that I won't be able to, simply because there isn't enough time. But at least I know I did my best... and the rest is all in God's hands. After coming back from Chicago and enjoying New Year's weekend, I know that there will be a lot of difficult challenges I must face, both at work and in my own life. And that means this week-long break will be crucial for me to prepare myself. God has done some crazy things in this past year (which I will write more about after I come back), and I have no doubt He will continue to write amazing stories in my life through the new adventures that lie ahead of me.

12/23: I didn't think I would be saying this so soon, but I'm really glad I can take a break from work tomorrow and enjoy the holidays. For those who are thinking, "see, I told you work won't be fun for long", continue to keep your mouths shut, because from the day I started working I insisted that it was all about attitude, and my attitude is still one of gratefulness from how much God has blessed me and joy from being able to live with those blessings every day. But from the beginning I knew that the road wouldn't always be smooth. That's just how life is, and that's something I have to learn to deal with, having faith that God uses those rougher times to teach me important life lessons. I look forward to having to face challenges at work, because they remind me of how much room there is for me to grow. But the hardest thing is to always remain alert and ready to catch whatever curveball is thrown at me. And much of what I've been seeing and dealing with at work these days has been completely out of what I had prepared myself for.

I won't write about things in detail here, since it's not my job to make the problems in the office known to the whole world. All I can say now is that the situation is extremely complicated. If someone has to be blamed, then every one of us is at fault to an extent. Those who are able to help are doing much more than they should have to do, while those who are not as able to help because of uncontrollable circumstances can't do anything about it either. But it's not right for the company to go on like this, because it's hurting not only the boss and the company as a whole, but also everyone else who is working in it. We all know that something needs to be done, and it must be done as quickly as possible before things get any worse.

That brings me back to the question I asked God over and over again when I first got the job - "Why me?" As the newest and least experienced person of the bunch, both in the company and in the corporate world in general, there are so many things I want to step up and help with that I don't know how to do. If my desk were occupied by someone with a little more experience, things in the office would not be nearly as rough right now. But I believe my boss is very wise, and she must have known about these problems long before I became part of the picture. Why, then, did she choose me? She could not have done so simply because she was nice and wanted to help me gain a little work experience, because clearly the company is not running smoothly enough for people to get hired randomly just for the heck of it. The more I think about it, the more I feel obligated to conclude that there's a lot more potential in me than I can see now, and that God did in fact bring me to this company because there are important things that I will be able to do for it.

The hardest thing for me to accept now is that no matter what happens in the end, someone is going to get hurt very badly. These are all people I care about, and I hate to see them have to go through such pain, especially when I'm a part of it. But whether we like it or not, we all know that the company cannot go on for much longer like this, and I have to step up and do my part, even if it means someone must suffer because of it. Many of us have reached the point where they are already doing their absolute best and simply cannot take on any more responsibilities without going crazy, and it doesn't help that they now also have to mentor me and clean up after my mistakes. I, however, am far from reaching my potential, because there is still so much for me to learn before I'm capable of doing what's expected of my job. And when I see how much they have to sacrifice for me and for the company, it makes me even more eager to do my best and learn as quickly as possible.

I have a feeling that the road ahead is not going to be an easy one. When I return to work next year after the Chicago trip, there may be a lot of sacrifices I have to make on my part too, and those things may not make me too happy. But I've seen how much people have done for me, and if my sacrifices will benefit them in the long run, then I must gladly accept them. Surely God has a great plan for bringing me to this company - one that benefits not only me, but also everyone else and the company as a whole. I vowed to do my best to glorify Him with what I do, and because He looks straight at my heart, my attitude now despite difficult times is more important than ever before. When I feel unhappy at my weaknesses being exposed, I must be thankful that I have the opportunity to grow. When I feel frustrated because people and circumstances are very demanding, I must remember how much they have sacrificed for me and how important my growth is to all of us at this time. And when I see the many problems around me that I wish to help with, may those things fuel the flame of my desire to do my best and make the most out of what God has blessed me with.

12/17: I don't know if it's just me, but the current weather forecast for the next week seems just a little shocking-

12/12: It's quite obvious that I love car spotting, and that I get abnormally happy when I see an exotic car driving next to me on the freeway. But every once in a while, I find myself driving next to something that's not exactly a car, but still demands my attention (and my camera). Such a "holy crap!" moment occured yesterday while I was on the 210 freeway. Take a look at this sucker-

12/06: A Stairwell Story

Throughout history, people have considered 8-to-5 office jobs quite boring, and such thinking has led to great inventions such as the USB-powered plastic missile launcher and the fake stapler that electrocutes co-workers who borrow it without permission. It's only been less than a month since I first started my office job, and so far I still find it quite enjoyable. But even if I could get paid to launch toy projectiles from my computer for eight hours a day, the fact is that sitting in the same spot from morning till evening on a daily basis isn't exactly a healthy lifestyle. That's why there's that magical one-hour block of time every day known as "lunch break".

Lunch break is a great chance to chat with my co-workers about things unrelated to work, but in the end we're still sitting in front of our computer screens ignoring our bodies' desperate cries for a little exercise. That's why it didn't take me very long to develop a habit of eating and socializing for the first half of the break, then going outside for a nice walk before returning to work. It's always a good feeling to spend a little time enjoying the sunshine in the middle of a busy day, and I always bring a drink and some fruits with me to make the walk even more pleasant. But I work on the fourth floor of a five-story building, and to gain access to Mother Nature I must first go down to the lobby before exiting the building. It may seem like an easy task, but sometimes that journey can turn into quite an adventure. Such was the case one fine day last week.

It was one of those days that all of us who have gone to college have experienced at some point. I was mentally exhausted from having to learn so many things (since I'm still getting trained), and I wasn't exactly paying attention to my physical surroundings while taking the elevator down to the lobby. The hallways in the building are usually quiet and empty, so after I stepped into the elevator and pressed "L", it was only natural for me to expect to be on the first floor when the doors opened. It just so happened that a lady on the second floor was also trying to get to the lobby at the same time, so the elevator stopped to let her inside. With my brain only partially awake, I saw the elevator doors open and stepped out, and it was only after the lady got in that I realized I was not where I should be. But as a newbie in the world of office jobs, I really didn't want to be embarassed for stupid things. So I decided not to turn around, but rather to keep walking away from the elevator as if I were intentionally going to the second floor. After all, there had to be a stairwell somewhere, and it wouldn't hurt to have to walk down one flight of stairs.

There are two hallways on each floor of the building, and I chose the left one out of habit, since my office is also in the left hallway. As expected, there was a door labeled "stairwell", so I opened it and went inside. I purposely walked down the stairs very slowly while beginning to eat the grapes in the little bag I was carrying, in hope that the lady who saw my stupidity would have left the lobby already by the time I appeared. On the first floor of the stairwell, there were two doors, and neither was labeled. One of them had to lead to the lobby. I tried the nearest one, but it was locked. Then I tried the other one - also locked. Oh well, I thought, I could just walk back up to the second floor and take the elevator down from there. But that's when I discovered just how much trouble I had gotten myself into; I walked back up the stairs to the second floor where I came from and tried to open the door, but that door was also locked. And so was the one on the third floor. It didn't take me long to conclude that the doors in the stairwell only opened from one side, and it was not the side I was on.

Maybe it's just because I'd never spent much time in office buildings before, but last time I checked, stairs were meant to serve as alternate paths when elevators didn't function properly, or when people simply wanted to get some exercise. At least that's how it was back in the college dorms. So what Einstein designed these stairwell doors that could only be opened from the outside? Was this supposed to be some kind of practical joke that every new employee in the building had to fall for at some point in their careers? I could have spend all day yapping about such stupidity, but there was a much bigger problem to worry about first - I was trapped helplessly in the friggin' stairwell, and I needed to get out of there.

I immediately came up with a few ideas. I could scream and bang on the door as hard as possible until whoever was working in the room next to the stairwell got pissed off enough to come and tell me to shut up (and set me free in the process). Or I could just use the emergency exit; after all, we all used emergency exits regularly in the dorms when we woke up late for midterms or when some nimrod set off the fire alarm by trying to make popcorn at 4:00AM. But this isn't college, and who knows if opening the emergency exit will set off an alarm that will actually notify the fire department and make everyone in the whole building evacuate? As the newest employee in my office, the last thing I wanted was for the fire marshall to show up at the door and call me out in front of everyone. Of course, if I didn't want to cause so much trouble, I could always just dial 9-1-1 and ask for a little help. But would the officers actually take me seriously when I told them I locked myself in the stairwell of my office building? Given that someone's going to be mad at me either way, I would probably be better off just using the fire exit so the cops would show up faster.

Fortunately, I thought of a much better option. One of my co-workers also enjoys taking walks during lunch break, and sometimes we would bump into each other and enjoy the rest of our walks together until it was time to go back to work. I don't know if this is all part of some divine plan, but it just so happened to be that just the day before the incident, we had exchanged phone numbers because she needed the contact information of an auto body shop that I agreed to give her that night. And she had just left the office for her walk a few minutes before I got myself trapped. So I decided to call her and ask for some help.

By that point, I was a lot more awake and alert than I was back in the elevator. But I was also a little freaked out about what happened, so when I called my co-worker, I wasn't quite sure how to explain myself. I told her I needed a little favor from her, and after briefly telling her what happened, she agreed to help. I told her to go up the elevator to the second floor, then take the left hallway and find the door labeled "stairwell" and open it to rescue me. She was right in front of the building when I called her, so it should only take a couple minutes for her to find me. As I continued munching on my grapes, I knew that there was nothing to worry about anymore, because my savior was not far away.

Several minutes passed as I waited patiently by the door on the second floor. My little bag of grapes was already half empty, but still nobody came to open the door for me. Then suddenly my phone rang. With a puzzled voice, my co-worker asked me where I was. She had gone to the second floor and opened the door to the stairwell, but couldn't find me. But she had forgotten that I asked her to take the left hallway rather than the right one. And when she opened the door to the wrong stairwell and didn't see me, she decided to go inside and look for me, letting the door shut behind her, putting her in the same situation I was in. So we were both trapped in different stairwells at opposite ends of the building, and neither of us had the phone numbers of anybody else in the office.

Suddenly, the idea of setting off the fire alarm to escape became more tempting than ever before. But I knew there had to be a proper way out somehow; after all, if someone was stupid enough to design doors like these, he must have accidentally locked himself in the stairwell at least once while bolting the doors in place and had to find a way out. But how? My bag of grapes was almost empty, and in the process of trying to set myself free, I had also gotten my co-worker trapped and deprived her of her precious lunchtime walk. As we frantically tried to figure out an escape plan over the phone from opposite ends of the building, I found myself nervously pacing up and down the stairs from floor to floor, trying to turn every doorknob as I passed it and feeling more hopeless after each failed attempt. Without thinking, I had soon made my way through almost every floor of the building, and the only door I hadn't tried was the one on the fifth floor. The chances of success were next to none, given that every other door in the whole friggin' stairwell was locked. But what more did I have to lose? I walked up that last flight of stairs to the door on the fifth floor and gave the knob a try.

So unexpected was my success that I didn't even realize I had opened the door until I suddenly found myself staring at the beautiful hallway of the fifth floor. But believe me, standing in the hallway of an office building had never felt so liberating. I was still on the phone with my co-worker, who was still desperately trying to escape from the dungeon-of-a-stairwell she was in, and I told her not to worry, because I had already found a way out. I took the elevator down to the second floor (intentionally this time) and opened the door to the chamber where she was trapped. At last, we were both free once again and able to enjoy life away from stairwells.

We took the elevator down to the lobby, and spent the last few minutes of our lunch break taking a short walk near the building. As I munched on my last couple grapes, we couldn't help but think back at the crazy advenure that had just taken place. Who would have guessed that getting from the fourth floor of an office building to the lobby could be such a difficult task? We found ourselves repeatedly blaming the stupidity of whoever designed those stairwell doors. But we really weren't complaining; after all, if I weren't so lucky with that last doorknob, we would both still be trapped and too scared to complain. Freedom had never felt so great before. And now that we know the dangers associated with those stairwells, we'll probably never use them again, even if it means we have to break the window and jump with a parachute to get to the first floor. The funny thing is that even though we only had a few minutes to relax before returning to work, we didn't feel like our time was wasted at all. How often do you get to spend lunch break freaking out over being locked in a hidden chamber in the building where no one can find you? We know one thing for sure though - we now have an epic story to tell the world and show everyone that life in an office building really isn't so boring after all!

12/04: Personal Church Dilemma Pt. 3: Leadership and Ministry

Christians are often stereotyped as a bunch of nice friendly people who like to do good things. I've met many of these "nice" Christians before. Whenever they see a need at church, whether it's picking up trash, folding the bulletins, or even substituting for another leader who overslept on Sunday morning, they always jump at the opportunity to help. Whenever there's an open ministry position, they gladly fill the need right away. But when others at church notice their kindness, they often assume that because they're nice, they'll always be willing to do more. Then these "nice people" eventually end up with so many responsibilities that going to church becomes all about fulfilling their job descriptions, and they are so overwhelmed by people's selfish expectations of them that they are afraid to quit. Finally, they become so blinded from what church is supposed to be about that they not only give up their ministry, but leave the church completely.

This is an extremely difficult topic for me to write about, because it deals with some issues that are very close to my heart. I have seen many people, including some close friends, who have left not only their own church, but churches in general, after horrible experiences as leaders. I know that God wants His people to serve others and serve the church. But how is it that churches teach people to be welcoming to everyone, but are okay with hurting their own members, especially those who contribute greatly to it, so badly that they may never step into the doors of a church again? Obviously, something has gone dangerously wrong with the relationship between such churches and their leaders. And as I consider both the possibility of exploring new churches and my ability to serve God and serve others there, I must honestly ask myself, "how should a church treat its leaders and ministries so that I can serve in the way that God intends for me to serve?"

First, I must clarify that there is a very big difference between "good people" and "good Christians". Some people are naturally nice while others are naturally not so nice, regardless of whether or not they believe in God. But what sets true Christians apart from the rest of the world is a faith that fuels and inspires everything in their lives. That same faith defines the difference between serving in a church and doing other charitable activities. Everyone who serves at church in any way, whether onstage or offstage, whether on Sundays or during the week, whether as an official leader or a random volunteer, is ultimately fulfilling the purpose of the church, which is to worship God and give Him glory in a group setting. And no matter what form of worship we are bringing to God, He wants us to love Him with all our hearts, souls, strength, and minds (Luke 10:27).

The first thing a Christian leader must do is examine his/her motives for leading and serving. In a group I was once involved in, I used my musical talents to quickly land myself a position on the worship team, and it was after several years that I realized I had done so just to boost my attendance at the weekly meetings and be noticed and praised by everyone. Many people do nice things because they're naturally nice, or because it makes them feel good about themselves. Others use ministry positions to cover up deep insecurities and wounds that they had not entrusted to God and did not want people to question them about. I must admit that after having served in various music ministries for as long as I can remember, it made me feel a little uneasy to realize that if I go to a new church, people there may not recognize my musical abilities and desire to serve. But it was when I first recognized that concern that I realized that perhaps my motives for being a leader were a little flawed. If God wants me to be on stage playing piano, then surely He will open the doors for me to do so. But regardless of whether or not I have an official title or position of leadership, I must still be a servant and minister. When I see a need around me, I must be eager and willing to fill that need, whether it's praying for someone, helping a person in need, or keeping the church building clean. Coming to serve people as a form of worship to a holy and perfect God is not something to be taken lightly. We are all prone to sin and in need of God's grace, but God does expect us to do our best, especially as leaders, and because He looks in our hearts and knows very well when we use His church for selfish purposes, it's crucial that every leader checks his/her heart as often as needed, so that the activities and ministries taking place at church will be true acts of worship to God.

Over the years, I've noticed a few leadership patterns in many of the church groups I've been involved in. First, certain ministry positions always seem to be more coveted than others. The many standards set by society have caused people to think that being able to hold a microphone on stage is more honorable than picking up trash on the floor after everyone else leaves. But in God's eyes, the person refilling the toilet paper rolls is no less precious than the pastor preaching on stage. Second, people tend to be much more eager to serve or lead in ministries in which other people are already serving or leading. We all like to be with our friends and feel comfortable, but how can we call ourselves worshippers of an almighty God when we are still slaves to our own comfort zones? It's too easy for Christian leaders to appear righteous in front of others, but we must not forget that God sees our hearts, and as humans we all have a tendency to mix our selfish desires with our ministries, even when we don't realize it. That's why people in a church community must encourage each other to make every effort to prevent that tendency from slowly creeping into their ministries. And because there are so many voices around us that point us away from the truth, it is crucial for the church to teach its people to see things by God's standards rather than the standards of the world.

Preparing our hearts for worship sets a solid foundation for our ministries. But it is just as important that whatever is built on that foundation is also done properly. Just as a good company needs a well-organized system of supervisors and employees, a healthy church needs a firm structure for its various ministries and leadership positions. Many people hate to think of churches from a corporate point of view because it involves taking things into their own hands rather than trusting in God for everything. But having been involved in several Christian groups whose members consist of successful business owners and found myself puzzled by how disorganized and powerless those churches are, I'm very convinced that sometimes Christians use "trusting in God" as an excuse to cover up their own irresponsibility. I understand and believe that the church is ultimately not a business. But if God blesses people with the ability to run businesses, then surely He wants those people to use those skills for His glory. Everyone is blessed with unique abilities and talents, whether it's in administration, public speaking, music, finances, communication, technology, or anything else. In order for a church to meet its full potential, people need to know their strengths and weaknesses and find the most effective ways to serve (Romans 12:6-8). I'm not at all trying to say that it's wrong for people at church to be nice and want to help with all kinds of things; we must ultimately submit to God, whether He calls us to do something we're good at or something we're completely unfamiliar with. But God purposely created everyone with different abilities so that we can serve Him and serve others in unique ways, and when we confuse our roles at church and end up stepping on each other's toes or leaving important holes unfilled, the result is a dysfunctional church in which everyone suffers.

Many churches wonder why they try so hard to prepare their workers but don't see a plentiful harvest like the Bible describes (Matthew 9:37-38). It's very likely that those churches are too busy chasing after their own definitions of good Christianity and successful leadership to pay attention to the standards set by the God they preach about. There's nothing wrong with a new Christian being willing to serve and lead at church, because God wants all of His children to worship Him by serving and being an example to others. But if a church allows someone who is new to the community to hop on stage and lead the band every Sunday without knowing where his heart is, then makes him feel guilty for wanting to step down, perhaps it is being negligent of the potential dangers that may arise from a weakly rooted leadership. God cares much more about where our hearts are than how well our music sounds. God cares much more about having the truth preached than having the most eloquent speaker on stage. God is perfect and holy, and when He wants us to worship with all our hearts, souls, strength, and minds, there's simply no substitute.

In the previous topics I have explored in this series, it wasn't too hard for me to arrive at my conclusions, which ultimately still involve a degree of personal preference after establishing the facts about what's right and what's wrong. This topic is much more difficult to write about, not only because I, along with many people I know and am close with, have been deeply affected by it, but also because my honest conclusion is one that will make many churches and fellowships feel very uncomfortable. But when it comes to choosing a place to call my spiritual home and a group of people to call my spiritual family, there are much more important things to be concerned about than wanting to fit in and feel good. Many times, the Bible describes the church as the "body of Christ" (Ephesians 1:22-23, 4:11-13) both directly and indirectly. Each part of the body performs a set of unique and crucial functions, and that's exactly how the church should be too. Many Christians like to think, "since I'm not an actual leader at church, I don't have to live a life that demonstrates my faith". But in the same way that every part of the body is important, everyone involved in a church is more or less of a leader, because while we may be at different stages of our lives and different levels of maturity, we all contribute to the glorifying of the God that we gather every Sunday to worship (1 Corinthians 13:27). Only when every part of the body is functioning properly can the body as a whole be considered healthy. And when parts of the body knowingly allow other parts to get hurt, then it is nothing less than a suicide attempt.

If everyone in a church is part of the body, then everyone must be willing to take some responsibility when problems arise. Many of the people I know who left churches because of bad experiences were quite young, both in age and in faith. Were they supposed to somehow figure out their faith all on their own? Sure, God can reveal Himself to people personally in many ways, and has done so in my life many times. But since God commands Christians to gather and encourage one another (Hebrews 10:25), it only makes sense that there are needs in our lives that only such a community can fulfill. Leaders who hold high positions in the church have a great responsibility to make sure that the leaders under them are not being mistreated or neglected. This means they must be sensitive to "nice people" who end up burning themselves out because they are not spiritually ready to take on so many responsibilities. They must also be sure that leaders have the means to continue growing, whether it's through an accountability group, a discipleship program, or other church activities in which they're not always put in charge. Lastly, they must ensure that there are people constantly being equipped to become future leaders. It's ultimately a system of cross-checking; those in charge of others must make sure those people are in the right place, and all who are involved in ministry in any way must check their own hearts and serve with the right motives. Many of the common problems seen in church leadership and ministries today will not happen nearly as often if churches simply decide to stop letting them happen.

It has always been my desire to be able to serve in and contribute to a church community rather than just letting others serve me. But there have been too many times when I had to force myself to do less than I'm capable of, knowing that the community would take advantage of my kindness and work me until every last bit of desire to serve has been sucked out of me. I'm glad God blessed me with the wisdom to protect myself from such dangers. But this is not the way any organization should make its leaders feel, not to mention one that exists for the purpose of worshipping and glorifying a God who is a father to the fatherless (Psalm 68:5) and a refuge for the oppressed (Psalm 9:9). I've seen the problems mentioned above far too many times in the various Christian groups I've been involved in over the years, and I am eager to grow and become increasingly closer to the kind of leader God created me to be. With that in mind, an ideal church for me is one in which I will be able to use what God has blessed me with to serve others wholeheartedly while being blessed by others in return so that we can all grow together in the faith that unifies us all.

We worship a God whose very presence demands to be glorified. Even though some people may be naturally nicer than others, the desire to lead and serve at church comes as a result of understanding God's unfathomable kindness to us. It breaks my heart to realize how many churches are failing to understand the very purpose of their existence, and I can only imagine how much more it breaks God's heart. God is very eager to bless churches, but churches must also take responsibility and do their best. And when God sees that a church as a whole is making the most out of what He has blessed it with, He will gladly respond by blessing it with even more (Matthew 25:14-30). Understanding the foundation of ministry brings to light both the foolishness of running a church by human means alone and the great blessings that await when a church is properly rooted in Christ. I wish and pray that no matter what churches or fellowships God calls me to be involved in, I may remember to serve wholeheartedly, and in doing so encourage others to do the same, so that we may function together as one body to give glory to God.

12/02: (Continuation of 9/21 entry)

Every morning, I get in my boat and travel to faraway places. At night, I return to the island to rest. Yes, I'm still here. At least that's what everyone here thinks. It didn't take long after I hopped into my boat and left the island for the first time for me to realize that as long as I come back every night, nobody will realize that I've been gone during the day. We'll still eat and drink together every night and tell age-old legends of beautiful places as we always have, but as soon as the sun rises the next morning, everyone is once again so busy chasing after daily activities that no one sees me get in my boat and leave. If only they knew where I was going, they would not want to be left behind. I have discovered a place of great beauty, just as the legends portray. So majestic are its mountains and so glorious are its shores that people are drawn back day after day to gaze at its splendor. Its soil is rich and provides everyone with the tastiest of fruits. The people there are all visitors like myself; none of us want to settle, because we all have homes elsewhere, and doing so may ruin the untainted image of beauty that draws us back daily. We have come to know each other very well through working hard to tend the crops every day. When the harvest is ready, we enjoy the great feast together, and there is always enough left over to bring back home. It gives me great joy to return home at night with such wonderful gifts. But by the time I'm here, everyone is already too drunk to realize that the fruits I give them are of a different origin.

12/01: I stepped into the public restroom in the office building this morning, only to discover that the usual smooth jazz music playing in the background has been replaced by Christmas songs. What a great way to remind me that it's December! The realization that another year is about to end prompts me to start looking back at all that has happened in this past year. But I'll control myself and save all those thoughts for a little longer, because there's still a whole month left before the year ends, and who knows what God's going to do during this time?

One thing I do know, though, is that this month is off to a great start for me in terms of work. This morning, the boss and the kind co-workers helping to train me and bear with my stupidity have agreed that it's time for me to get some real hands-on experience. I've been put in charge of handling all the shipments for one of our customers. Of course, I'm nowhere close to being able to handle everything on my own, and my co-workers will be guiding me through the process (and helping out with the more difficult parts) until I'm ready to do it all myself. But if everything goes as I imagine, this is the moment that the rocket, which has spent a long time being designed, engineered, and assembled, is finally placed on the launchpad and ready for takeoff.

I'm quite confident with knowing what methods of learning work for me and what methods don't. When I'm able to engage properly with what I need to learn, I can absorb information and expand my knowledge very quickly. And these past few weeks have clearly shown that I learn best when I get to actually practice what I need to know. You can put me in a dark room full of nails and tell me where not to walk, but in the end I won't feel confident until I've stepped on enough nails to figure out the path myself. I've already stepped on some very painful nails, but the more it hurts, the less likely I am to make the same mistake again. Words cannot describe how thankful I am for my boss and co-workers who are willing to patiently train me and answer questions I've already asked multiple times. The more I learn, the more it seems like the big picture is starting to make sense. And I'm really looking forward to continuing to make progress so that I can actually be able to work on my own.

11/29: Having to wake up early for work does a great job of making sure I don't party too hard at night. But that doesn't mean I can't treat myself to tons of fun with the free time that I have. That's why this past week has seemed so strange. After several days of office work, suddenly there's a day off (Thanksgiving) to relax, spend time with my family, and eat amazing food. The next morning, it's work again. Then it's the weekend, which consisted of the Auto Show on Saturday and some awesome partying last night that made it hard for me to believe that I had work again this morning. This is exactly the kind of life I want to live - Work hard, play hard, and do it all from the heart.

Of course, the partying was for a very good cause. In case there's anyone in the world who hasn't heard, Steph and Ernest are now married. It's still slowly starting to hit me - my (slightly) younger cousin and her childhood sweetheart are actually married! Sure, they've been together for so long that everyone was more surprised they didn't get married any earlier. But now that the day finally came, it's hard for anyone who has known them long enough to not be amazed at how such a wonderful love story evolved. Congratulations to both of you, and I wish you the best!

11/27: LA Auto Show

Car spotters like me tend to dislike rainy days, especially if it's a weekend during which many exotic cars would come out to play. For several years, I had made it a tradition to not only attend the LA Auto Show, but also scout the surrounding parking lots and structures - an experience often no less exciting than the show itself. That tradition was cut short last year when a ridiculous rainstorm made it seem stupid for anyone to be outdoors, not to mention expect to see someone cruising around in a Lamborghini. So when it rained again during the opening weekend of this year's show, I decided to simply postpone the trip in hope that the sky would be clear. And I couldn't be more content with today's weather - sunny but slightly chilly, perfect for several miles of walking through a gazillion parking lots.

I must thank Melinda for hooking me up with a free ticket to the show. It was a great feeling to bypass the ticket booth lines and walk right through the doors. As for the show itself, here are a few of my observations-

-The Jaguar C-X75 didn't get nearly as much attention as it did at Cars & Coffee.
-Maybachs look much bigger in a crowded showroom than they do when parked along Rodeo Drive.
-Nissan placed many vehicles on raised display stands, but left the newly refreshed GT-R on the floor.
-People will soon forget the days when concept cars could be powered by only gasoline.
-Someone thought the Lexus LFA's engine was in the back.
-Someone thought the Ferrari 458 Italia (in Kentia hall) was a Lamborghini.
-The Aston Martin Rapide had a flat tire.
-Thanks to the Fiat 500, Italian cars on sale in America will no longer be limited to only exotics.
-There were more Maseratis in the parking lot than in the actual show.
-The latest batch of small and midsize American cars interested me much more than I thought they would.
-All the salespeople seemed at lot more desperate than before to have people sign up for test drives.
-Lotus' new batch of concept cars are truly impressive. But why not put them at the front of the fenced-up display so people can actually see them?
-Korean cars are taking over the world.
-There was a Mitsubishi Delica "Space Gear" in the parking structure. How on earth is there a Mitsubishi Delica in America?
-The Specialty Car Craft gang frantically rushed over to their Rolls-Royce Phantom when they heard that someone may have tampered with the diamonds on the hood ornament.
-Who in the right mind names a car "Wheego"?

11/26: A couple days ago I just got a copy of G-VO's new album, "Endangered Species", a project that I had the great honor of contributing to. The idea of this collaboration first came after we performed together at his previous album's release concert (summer 2009) - He thought it would be cool if I could arrange the songs on his next album, since we came from such different musical backgrounds and it would add a great degree of diversity to the music. I gladly agreed, and we got to work, meeting up occasionally to update each other on our progress and sending music files back and forth. Many months passed by, and now the project is finally done.

Because I wasn't involved in the final recording and production process, I had been wanting to hear the finished album for a very long time, since I knew that it would turn out very different from what I expected. I'm the control freak type who often imagines how the music should go and wishes it would actually end up sounding exactly as I had imagined. But every musician knows that many things change dramatically during the process of moving them from imagination to reality. The last time I heard my arrangements before sending them out for recording/production, many melodic lines were not finalized yet, the raps had yet to be written, and Jekob (the producer) was yet to work his hip-hop magic to spice things up with some fresh beats. I admit it was hard for me to let go of something I created not knowing exactly how it would end up. And now that I've heard the album, I know for sure that it is indeed very different from what I had expected. But that's definitely not a bad thing.

I had originally expected to arrange basically every song on the album, but many of those songs were eventually set aside for the sake of keeping the album within reasonable length and the songs more or less cohesive. Additional songs from other arrangers were added, and while some were sent to me at the end to have a few more parts added or modified, the rest were as new to me when I heard the album as they would be to anyone else who hears it. Looking back now, I'm very glad that's the way the album turned out. Sure, I may be confident in my ability to make simple arrangements that sound good. But I'm only one musician, and there are many things that cannot be accomplished without teamwork. Most of the songs were a three-way collaboration between Rajeev (rapper/singer/songwriter influenced by many modern genres), Jekob (producer who is also a rapper and hip-hop artist), and me (arranger/instrumentalist with classical training). Stylistically, it doesn't get much more diverse than this. Even after having majored in music and participated in countless musical projects and performances, I must admit I had never done anything like this before. Sometimes I would come up with a seemingly simple instrumental line, and Rajeev would be amazed. Similarly, he would come up with a rap, or Jekob would come up with a beat, and I would be blown away. The cultural, racial, and musical diversity between the three of us helped us all grow in incredible and priceless ways.

Other than some last-minute revisions, my part in most of the songs had been completed a long time ago. The rest of the work - finalizing lyrics, recording live tracks, and mastering - was between Rajeev and Jekob. That's why I was so eager to hear just how each finished song would compare with my expectations. Jekob put some incredible beats on a lot of my arrangements, making them sound to me like remixes of what I had originally made. Some of the songs had changed so dramatically that I barely recognized them. In many cases, a melody Rajeev wrote gave birth to my arrangement ideas, and the arrangement gave him new melodies, and in the end the song is completely not what any of us expected it to be in the beginning. It's a really strange feeling to listen to an album for the first time and find it so familiar but so new at the same time. But I must remember that to the audience, the only thing that matters is how the final product sounds, no matter how many revisions it took to get there. And I believe "Endangered Species" is a great step forward, both for Rajeev and for all the rest of us who participated in its making.

Despite all of our differences, there were two things that held us together tightly during the whole process of turning this album into reality - a love for music and a love for God. We are all people who have been blessed with musical abilities in one way or another, and we all have a burning desire to use those abilities to give God glory. This album stays true to what I've always loved about Rajeev's music; its songs are neither bound by the often narrow-minded expectations for a "Christian musician" nor devoid of substance for the sake of acceptance like most rap songs played on the radio are. These songs are honest, and they deal with all kinds of issues on their writer's heart, whether it's God, romance, or social issues. The making of this album has been an experience like nothing I've had before, and I'm truly thankful to have the chance to be part of it. I pray that God will use these songs to shine new light on a musical genre often associated with darkness, and I pray that He will continue to nurture all of us who were part of this project, both as individuals and as a team, as we continue to use our musical abilities for His glory.

11/24: Now that Thanksgiving break has begun (there's no work tomorrow, and Friday is a half day), I finally have the time to take a deep breath and look back at all that I've learned about working in the shipping industry in these past few weeks. So far, I feel as if I've been given a bunch of pieces to a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle without knowing what the final picture is supposed to look like. Prior to starting this new job, I barely even knew the shipping industry actually existed. So even if everyone tried explaining the big picture to me, I probably wouldn't understand it. All I could do was put together little bits and pieces and wish that it would all make sense in the end. There's still a lot for me to learn, but I think it's all part of the fun. And the more I understand, the more interesting it's becoming.

I managed to convince myself after working for about a week that the shipping / freight forwarding industry is like a never-ending worldwide game of Lemmings. Apparently most people nowadays haven't heard of the game, since it was most popular back in the day when computers came with 5" floppy drives. But those who are old enough may recall having to build stairs, dig holes, and blow up walls to ensure that the entire colony of lemmings makes it to the finish line safely. You can't control the lemmings, but you can plan ahead and figure out ways to guide the rodents around each obstacle before it's too late. That's exactly how I feel about my job now. We're guiding a bunch of cargo containers from one end of the Pacific Ocean to the other, and in the process there are a gazillion obstacles to clear, each with its own set of deadlines and penalties.

There you go. Now people can stop doubting my ability to keep myself entertained while sitting in an office for eight hours a day. I'm almost ready to starting printing pictures of little lemmings and taping them to my computer monitor. But at this point it's definitely unnecessary, because it's hard to be bored when there's so much to learn every day. Based on what I've already learned, I can see that there are many things I can do to benefit the company once I manage to learn enough to start working on my own. I don't know how long the process will take, but I see a lot in store for me and for the company in the future, and that makes me very excited to continue doing my best with what God has blessed me with.

11/21: Stepping Stones

Sometimes the good things in life can become enemies of greater things. Sometimes things that are meant to be stepping stones end up serving as stumbling blocks. The journey of life is full of stepping stones, each of which I must set foot on and leave behind. But sometimes those stones appear so beautiful that I find myself clinging on to them and refusing to let go. What's the point of letting God lead my life and trusting that He has greater plans if I only expect Him to do things that I want to do on my own? The Old Testament is filled with stories of how God disciplined His people by taking away the things they felt comfortable with and humbling them so that they could turn back to Him. I'm more thankful than ever before that He loves me enough to do the same in my life.

When I was too young to even have a driver's license, my first job offer came to me. The owner of the music school I studied at as a child invited me to go back and teach private piano lessons. Since then, teaching has always been a crucial part of my job history. I spent the summer before college teaching a junior high math and English class at my church's education center. In college, I taught music and tutored math when I came home on weekends. Somewhere along the way, I also organized and taught a summertime group lesson on music composition. After I graduated, I officially became a private academic tutor, and I treated it as my primary job for almost three years.

People who have asked me about my teaching-related jobs will probably recall me saying that education is really not something I feel like I'm gifted in. I neither took courses on education nor felt confident working with students. But I always believed that every student I had was a gift from God and an opportunity to build relationships while helping someone in need. That's why I held on to the job for so many years. When I was in high school, I saw my work at the music school as a great opportunity to have a first job and gain experience. In college, I took pride in the fact that tutoring/teaching pays quite well, meaning I could earn as much as most of my peers did with a part-time work study job by just teaching a few students every weekend. It was after I graduated from college that I began asking myself what kind of "real" job I wanted to have. But before I had the chance to apply for anything, an offer came for me to tutor a family of two kids for several hours a day, five days a week. I jumped at the opportunity, believing that it was a gift from God to allow me to spend time with my family and plan out my future while still having a job to earn enough money for my needs. With the help of connections through my church, my family, and various other places, the number of my students began to grow rapidly. After a year, I was working for almost as many hours as I would in a real full-time job, and soon I began to treat the job professionally and actually introduce myself as a full-time private academic tutor.

Over the years, many people have told me that they envied my job. I earned a good amount of money per hour, and I was my own boss, meaning I could set my schedule however I wanted to. But looking back now, I feel obligated to warn people of the inevitable problems with such a job. To begin, there are really only two options - either work for a school or organization, or work independently. The former option means that you are usually provided with a good number of students, but in exchange the school gets to tell you what to do, and also take a huge chunk of what the students pay you. So unless teaching is something you're truly interested in, you might as well find a job elsewhere. As for the latter option (the one that I chose), all I can say is that it isn't going to be easy unless you really know what you're doing. And after so many years of working in teaching-related fields, I don't really think I ever did. I did my absolute best to show my students and their parents that I care, but time after time they refused to show me any respect. I made every effort to connect with students while working at a professional level, but they continued treating me as if my whole world revolved around them. I convinced myself over and over again that I was trying to not only earn money, but more importantly be a blessing to each of my students and their families. But in the end, I only found myself frustrated time after time at people's inability to understand me. I had always seen tutoring as an opportunity to help and serve people, but it takes way too much frustration just to reach the point where I can actually help them.

As a self-employed private tutor, one day you'll certainly hit a point where you must make a choice to either start a company and have more room to grow or quit and move on. I've already hit that point, and with too little business knowledge and experience, my only option is the latter. Being a tutor has been a great blessing to me when I was a student, and I definitely recommend this kind of job to anyone looking for a side job with good pay and flexible hours. But as I got older, what was once a blessing had become a crutch preventing me from seeing that I had much more potential than I realized. I praise God, because He knew me much better than I did. While I chose to cling on tightly to my stepping stone, God made me lose my balance so I would land my foot on the next step. As my frustrations escalated over the years, He helped me open my heart to new opportunities. And now that I have been blessed with a different kind of job, I know without doubt that it's time for me be strong and move forward and not let anything hold me back.

This is my unofficial letter of resignation from the teaching/tutoring business. It's unofficial only because I will still continue to tutor my few current students and do my best to help them in their academic needs. But it will only be a night job, and for the first time since I began working back in high school, I will no longer be accepting any new students, whether it's for music or for academics. I had already given my current students a courteous two-week notice for rescheduling, and starting tomorrow my primary job commitment will be in the office. For those who know people in need of a tutor, feel free to still contact me, since I know some other people who are able to help and willing to do so. But as for me, it's time to phase out of the education business and start growing in new areas. Right now I definitely feel liberated, as if a huge burden had just been lifted from my shoulders. Since my work with my remaining students is only a side job now, I'm no longer dependent on it to earn money, feel respected, and be productive. If people refuse to treat me professionally, I don't need to continue dealing with them. If people continue to be inconsiderate, it wouldn't hurt me if I tell them I quit. But as long as they are willing to cooperate, I'm willing to be there for them until they no longer need me.

Saying goodbye is never easy, and it would be a lie for me to say that I won't miss being a tutor at all, especially after so many years of developing priceless teacher-student relationships and watching students grow and mature over time. Committing to my new office job also required many sacrifices; I gave up lots of time that I could have spent serving my family, tutoring more students in need, developing my musical skills and travelling to perform, and strengthening my relationship with God. But God's plans for my life are so much bigger than what I can see now. Sometimes the good things in my life are only stepping stones to reach even greater things, and it would be foolish of me to cling onto this stepping stone and put God's great plans behind the bars of my own imagination. I must not let good things blind me from even greater things. If God wants to give back to me any of the things I've sacrificed, then surely He will find a way to do so. But for now, He has told me to take a huge step forward, and that's exactly what I did. And even though sacrifices have to be made, I know that those sacrifices will be nothing compared to the great things God will do in this new chapter of my life.

11/19: I'm starting to believe more and more that deep inside the heart of every man there's a desire for productivity - not just being a workaholic and filling up one's life with a bunch of clutter, but rather being able to look back before going to bed each night and feel accomplished about the day's activities. Sure, we all go through times when we want to be lazy and do nothing. But over time, it only makes sense that rotting away purposelessly isn't fun. Life is meant to be lived with purpose, and a simple sense of accomplishment even in just one particular area, whether it's a job, a hobby, or a relationship, can make everything else feel just as meaningful.

The transformation that my lifestyle has gone through recently is much more than just a career switch. Spending eight hours a day in an office is something I'm still trying hard to get used to, but one thing I realized very quickly is that free time outside of work is truly precious. I feel greatly blessed when I have opportunities to spend time with my family and friends after work, and when I'm home at night, I often catch myself rapidly crossing things off my to-do list one after another. This to-do list consists mostly of things I want to do for fun, but looking back now, I realized that I've crossed more items off the list this week than I would have if I spent all week sitting at home without a job. When I woke up every morning with nothing to look forward to, even fun activities began to seem like chores. But now that I'm working full time, I come home every evening feeling accomplished, and it motivates me to live out that sense of accomplishment in every other aspect of my life too.

I've spent a good amount of time in this past year learning about the importance of discipline and applying it to various areas of my life, namely my relationships with my friends and my understanding of God and of the church. But I eventually realized that discipline is a lifestyle and an ongoing process, and I have yet to find a discipline more difficult to master than that which tames a wild heart and guards it to be used for God's purposes. The disciplines I practiced at church and in front of people aren't too hard, because my desire to learn them was fueled by plenty of frustration that made me not want to make the same mistakes again. But while I may have appear disciplined in front of people, my life at home had been anything but that.

All my friends in college know that I wouldn't let my own laziness stop me from doing even the craziest things, because I had discovered great joy in making the most out of every moment I had as a college student. Ever since I graduated, though, things were simply not the same. Without classes, homework, and lots of friends to make me busy every day, I slowly lost the motivation to live with a sense of purpose, and the fact that my tutoring job had always been very inconsistent really didn't help. I tried, and gave up, and tried again, and gave up again. Eventually, I succumbed to a very dangerous mentality - the acceptance of an aimless and mundane life. Everything in my life seemed very flat and unexciting, and I convinced myself to be okay with it. But I praise God, because from the very beginning He created me in His image, and He has a purpose for everything. Even when I gave up, He loves me too much to let me waste my life away. I was made to be much more than ordinary, and when I convinced myself that ordinary was okay, God transformed my life and showed me that there's so much more to this precious life than what I can ever earn or know on my own.

My mom recently made a comment that I was getting things done at home so quickly that it seemed as if I were in military training. To be honest, it had crossed my mind several times in these past months that if life were going to be so aimless, I might as well go to boot camp and be forced to learn discipline rather than always forcing myself to do so. But the big difference is that true discipline comes from the heart. And even after I had managed to clean up so many external areas of my life, deep inside I was still filled with junk. Now all of that has changed. I wake up early in the morning, and have to sleep early at night to get enough rest. I wake up knowing there's a lot to accomplish in the day, and accomplish those things with a positive attitude. And at night, I look back and feel at peace, knowing that I have spent the day well. Day and night, I am reminded of God's greatness, and it makes me eager to live each day more abundantly, giving God glory through all that I do.

11/13: It only makes sense to feel tired after a busy week of work, not to mention that it was my first week of full-time work and I'm still adjusting to having to wake up early every morning. I came home yesterday evening expecting to be able to catch up on some sleep this morning, and was totally looking forward to doing so, until I stumbled upon an unexpected little announcement that instantly made me change my mind.

I woke up to my alarm at 5:00 this morning, so tired that I almost forgot what I had planned to wake up so early for. I brushed my teeth, got dressed, and went online to verify that last night's announcement was not just a dream. Then off I went to Irvine for Cars & Coffee. And when I arrived at 6:00 and caught my first glimpse of the vehicle mentioned in the announcement, I was left with absolutely no regret for sacrificing so many precious hours of sleep.

11/11: It seems crazy that anyone can step out of the office after working for eight hours and feel so content that he bursts into tears of overwhelming joy. But as I sat in my car before driving home, I couldn't help but ask God over and over again, "Why me?" Why, of all the people in this world, did He choose to pour out so much blessings on me? After my first day of work a couple days ago, I had the chance to spend some time with a group of friends who knew my struggles as a tutor and have been praying for me regularly. But even they had no idea I was considering looking for a job unrelated to tutoring. That's how quickly things happened. I didn't even have time to ask people to pray for me, but God already looked into my heart. To be honest, I really didn't feel like seeing my friends that evening, since I was so tired from work that I just wanted to go home and rest. But it was almost as if God intentionally opened one door after another for me to share with various people about what had happened. I had the great honor of using this testimony to bless many people, and the more I shared, the more I began to realize just how amazing the work of God in my life regarding my new job has been.

Why me? Why would the boss, with so many things that bosses have to worry about, bother to offer me a chance to talk with her about the industry, not to mention actually give me a job in the office? My dad died when I was young, and my mom has always been self employed. I grew up without any kind of role model when it comes to working in the real world. I got my college degree in music, and since then I'd been working as a self-employed tutor. I know neither how to write a decent resume nor how to present myself at an interview. (Trust me, I've tried many times and failed miserably.) I have neither the education nor the experience expected of a job like this. Yet during a time when the economy makes it hard for even highly experienced workers to find jobs, I find myself sitting at my new office desk just over a week after I began considering a new career.

Why me? Why would God, with so many good people in this world, choose to pour out His blessings on me? When my tutoring job made me frustrated, I spent more time complaining than praying. I spent more energy getting angry that things couldn't go as I wanted than having faith that God had everything under control. God wanted me to trust Him, but I chose to turn away and trap myself in hopelessness. God wanted me to obey Him, yet I find myself falling on my knees as a sinner day after day. There are so many people who deserve this job more than I do, and there are so many people who deserve God's blessings more than I do. Why did God choose me?

I've read Bible stories of God's miracles countless times, but after a while they begin to seem to me like nothing more than encouraging fairy tales. But when I experience firsthand the power of His divine mercy that makes me see the gap between what He has blessed me with and what I truly deserve, I feel like I'm getting a small gllimpse of the very love that nailed Jesus innocently to the cross. And even that small glimpse is powerful enough to move me to tears. I often feel like I'm pretty close to God because I spent a lot of time seeking His will and getting to know Him through the Bible. But all these years I've failed to comprehend even a fraction of the greatness of His power. "Who are You?", I now find myself asking, my heart filled with fear and reverence. Who is this God that, despite a sinner feeling frustrated and directionless about his work for years, He would suddenly lift him out of his complacency and answer his heart's deepest prayers with blessings far greater than he could have dreamed of? And who is this God that performs miracles so rapidly that I don't even have time to stop and pray before more is given to me?

I write these words because I want to do whatever I can to make sure I will never forget the way I feel right now. God didn't just give me a nice job; He gave it to me in such a way that I know without doubt that I couldn't have earned it on my own. And I pray that no matter how much I accomplish through this job in the future, I will not follow my tendency to boast as if those achievements were my own. The money earned, the experiences gained, and the lessons learned will all be the result of God's great love, and I pray that I may approach my job every day knowing that it is a new opportunity to worship God for His blessings by doing my best with what He has blessed me with. I know that in the future conflicts may arise and frustrating situations may try to put out the fire of joy in my heart. During those times, I pray that I will remember to look back at these words and remember that God is faithful even in the most difficult times. It was He who opened the book and began to write this new story, and if I continue to have faith and do my best, He will continue to write each page of the story according to His great and perfect will.

11/08: Whoosh. Just like that. When God decides to do something crazy, it can happen far quicker than it takes for me to actually process it in my head. I had been in the middle of writing several upcoming journal entries regarding my thoughts on my tutoring job and the many concerns that have just recently begun to burden me with the desire to move on to something completely different. None of that matters anymore; tomorrow morning I will wake up to a whole new life, filled with new things to learn, new relationships to build, and new opportunities to grow. It's basically everything I've wanted for quite some time, and now I can finally have it.

Reality is still slowly sinking into me. Just a little over a week ago, I felt prompted to break out of my comfort zone and explore career possibilities different from what I have done before. I didn't know exactly what I wanted, but what I pictured was a typical 8-to-5 office job - something that is stable and lets me be more productive than creative. (I'm not worried about the creativity part, since I'm the kind of person that can entertain myself in even the most boring environments.) Fast forward a few days, and I'm working on a little quiz given by the boss of a shipping company to see if I have what it takes to work in the field. Apparently I didn't do too bad. This morning I spoke with the boss on the phone. This afternoon I went in for a little meeting, just to learn what the shipping business is all about and see whether or not I'd be interested in such a job. It wasn't really meant to be an interview, but at the end it basically served as one. And my new full-time job starts tomorrow morning.

As for my tutoring job (or what's left of it), it actually isn't going to change too much. That's the other amazing thing - the new job is not too far from home, so because most of my students now are in the evening or at night, very little changes have to be made to accommodate the new job. The biggest change is in my attitude - I'm still fully committed to my students, but because this is no longer my primary source of income, I won't be bothered nearly as much when people disrespect me. During these first few weeks, I'm free to leave the office earlier as needed to go tutor my students, since I've asked for a couple weeks so I can give my students an early notice of the schedule change. But after that, my primary commitment will be in the office.

I find it funny that I get excited about the weirdest things, whether it's seeing a nice car or eating college dorm food. When I worked at the Wiston Group warehouse a few summers ago, people there were shocked that I voluntarily chose to have a low-end job and did it with such a positive attitude. It wasn't easy, but I loved it. It's all about attitude, and that's exactly why I'm so excited right now about what many people may see as a boring office job. The truth is that I don't think I'll be bored at all. Sure, I'll eventually find myself doing the same stuff over and over again, and as with every job I've had before, there will be all kinds of unexpected hardships that I must overcome. But considering what I've gone through in the past few years, this opportunity leaves me with absolutely no complaints.

I honestly don't know exactly what I'll be doing yet, other than the fact that it has to do with helping customers figure out how to get their packages from one side of the planet to the other, through ships, planes, trucks, and whatever other mode of transportation is used for carrying boxes. But I'm excited because this is something I've never done before. I may always joke that I feel old, but in terms of work, there's really no better time to go out and explore. I'm excited because I now have a reason to wake up early every morning and do so knowing that it will be a productive day. And I get to come home at the end of each day knowing that I've spent it well and can sleep in peace. And in all this, I get to learn new skills, gain new experiences, and earn a steady income. As with every job I've had before, it was God who opened the doors for me, and He made it so clear that I really have no question I'm in the right place. Whatever hardships and struggles may come in this new adventure, I know it will be worth it.

Maybe I'm feeling so optimistic right now just because I got a new job and I'm excited about it. I really don't even know what I've signed myself up for, but I believe in commitment, and if I'm going to get trained in this company, then I'm not going to ditch it for no good reason. God's the one that has brought me to where I am now, and He will continue to direct my path in the future, both near and far. And because I know that He has opened the door for me to have this job, I know that there's nothing I need to fear. Life's so big, and there's so much out there that's beyond what I can see right here and now. All I know right now is that tomorrow morning when I wake up, it will be the first page of a whole new chapter in my life. As always, I'm giving God the pen, and I look forward to letting Him lead me on all kinds of new and exciting adventures.

11/08: A Short Prayer
(Written before a meeting to discuss a potential career opportunity)

With an opportunity ahead of me that seems to satisfy so much of what I've been wanting lately, I find it hard to not feel excited. But if there's any reason to be excited, may it be that You are good, whether that means things will work as I want or not. If it's Your will for me to enter this open door, then may You help me to have wisdom and courage to do so. But if this is not where I belong, then may I not stubbornly insist on instant gratification. You've always provided for me, and You always will. My prayer is that I can do my best with what You've blessed me with, and trust that You will take care of the rest. Whatever becomes of this new opportunity, I pray that it may be a precious learning experience that will leave me stronger and wiser. May Your will continue to be done.

11/05: The 250-Mile Journey

The great thing about coffee is that it keeps me awake when I have to make long drives at night. The not-so-great thing about coffee is that it keeps me awake even after I get home and am ready to go to sleep. But even if I didn't have any caffeine, I think it would still be tough for me to fall asleep after such an amazing adventure. I drove for almost 250 miles throughout the day, and even though at times I wished someone could talk to me and keep me more awake, I still managed to entertain myself quite well. I'm the kind of guy who really enjoys driving. The ability to travel by car gives me a sense of great freedom, especially when I'm by myself. With no one to tell me what to do, I improvised my way down the 5 Freeway, stopping at scenic spots to admire the ocean view, making detours to take pictures of nice cars, and pacing myself knowing that I wasn't in a rush to get anywhere. After all, my first destination was simply a personal car-spotting "vacation".

Unfortunately, people in the various car communities I'm involved in didn't offer much help regarding good places for car spotting in the SD area. But research pointed me to downtown La Jolla, less than 15 minutes away from UCSD (my second destination). It's definitely nothing like Beverly Hills, but it was exciting in its own way. It actually sort of felt like the first time I decided to wander to Beverly Hills on foot (I didn't even bring a scooter!) back in my sophomore year at UCLA. More time was spent simply exploring the area than actually shooting cars. But even so, there were plenty of cars to keep me entertained. And if I ever go there again, I'll no longer be a newbie in this game map.

Destination #2 - UC San Diego. Looking back now, I realized that the funny thing about my car spotting adventures is that I can spend hours wandering around the streets and not speak to a single human. The first person I actually talked to was in the parking structure at UCSD, and if he's any indication of the general population in that area, I'd love to live there. He had purchased an all-day parking permit in the morning and was just about to leave, so when he saw me buying a permit, he offered to give me his. I felt bad just taking it, so we split the price. He earned four bucks, and I saved four bucks. Win-win scenario. I spent the next few hours visiting Jasmine at Marshall. Met a bunch of her suitemates and friends. They're definitely a very interesting and entertaining bunch. If SD weren't so friggin' far, I would certainly be hanging out with them frequently. Oh, and apparently I still look like a freshman...

I always tell people that every college offers a unique experience like no other, so there's really no need to ever regret making the wrong choice. The only downside to that is that I only get to go through one undergrad college experience in this lifetime. But that's exactly why I think it's so great to be able to get a glimpse of a college experience different from my own. After Jasmine left, I treated myself to a little exploratory walk around the campus. The last time I was at UCSD was when I was actually as young as people say I look now, and I was simply tagging along with another friend who drove down to visit. My memories of that trip have been reduced to little mental clips of a few of the places I visited, just clear enough that if I see them now, they may look strangely familiar. I did remember the library though, not just because it looks so unique, but because it's named after my favorite author. And during today's walk, it was at the library (which I randomly discovered) that I decided to turn and walk back before I forget how to get back.

I guess I could always ask for directions if I were to get lost. After all, if I look like a freshman, I can probably act like one too. But I didn't exactly have all the time in the world, since I had to be at San Diego State University (the third and final destination) at 8:00 for Clare's junior recital. And even though I arrived on campus well ahead of time, it took a lot longer than expected to find the actual recital hall. Apparently asking for directions doesn't help much at SDSU; I asked 5 or 6 people where the music building was, and they either stared at me like I was stupid or had no idea what I was talking about. In the end, I found a map, and the map knew exactly what I was looking for. It was the invitation to Clare's recital that gave me the crazy idea to plan this whole area trip in the first place, and I'm definitely glad I said yes. Not only was it an eventful day, but the recital was great too. And I can't even remember the last time I attended a piano recital outside of the UCLA music building. I also got to see Clare's family again for the first time in forever. We all enjoyed a great reception after the recital, which also served as my unofficial dinner. I love to eat, but on trips like this there are always things more important than meals. Still, it was great to end the night with some snacks.

With a little time remaining on both my UCSD and SDSU parking permits, I was extremely tempted to stick around by myself a bit longer, or maybe even go find a random beach and take a little nighttime walk along the ocean. But I knew myself well enough to assume that I was probably underestimating the amount of energy it would take to drive back home, so I decided to call it a night and sip up what was left of my Mr. Brown to keep me awake on the road.

It's really a strange feeling being back at home now. 250 miles and many adventures later, I find myself right back where I woke up this morning. A lot of people think it's crazy that I drove such a long way without anyone to keep me company. But only by doing so could I truly experience the freedom my heart has been craving, and looking back now, I don't regret it at all. If I only had more time to spend in San Diego... that's basically the only thing that disappoints me right now; because SD is so friggin' far, I can't exactly go there whenever I feel like it. But I'm glad I made the most out of my time there today, and hope that in the future I will have a chance to plan another trip just like this.

11/04: Everything's just about packed and ready to go for the San Diego area trip tomorrow. I'm really, really excited about this trip - I know it's going to be one of those days in which I can look back at the end and find it hard to fit into my daily calendar, since it's going to be so eventful and out of the ordinary. I'm tempted to think of this trip as something like my typical UCLA visits, but with a more extreme twist. But honestly, that's not what it is at all. Sure, I'll be doing some of the same things I go to LA for - attending events, visiting friends, and checking out nice cars. But the hour-and-a-half drive will take me to an area I'm completely unfamiliar with, and from the moment I arrive at each destination, everything will basically be improvised from there simply because I have no other choice. But I think that's what makes this trip so special. The long drive, the unfamiliar place, it all makes the day seem more adventurous, and I'm really, really looking forward to seeing what tomorrow has in store for me.

11/03: I've always wanted a more stable job, but I figured since musicians tend to have unstable lives, I might as well force myself to get used to it now. I've always had complaints about my current private tutoring job, but I hushed them with the knowledge that it was God who blessed me with the job when I came out of college feeling directionless. My reasonings definitely have a good amount of truth to them. But lately I'm beginning to realize more and more that my frustrations as a tutor will always leave me frustrated, my potential to grow in this field is limited, and my weaknesses are forcing me into an increasingly bigger hole I'm digging for myself. With business slow enough that I'm hesitant to actually call myself employed, I'm really beginning to wonder if it may be time for me to move on to a "real" job.

I've always been more or less of a coward, and maybe that's why I've prayed for years that if God wanted me to switch to a "real" job, He should make it clear by denying me of every last opportunity in the tutoring field so that I would have no other choice. If God actually answered that prayer, it must have been a very vague answer, because year after year I felt like the good times were just good enough to make me happy with the job while the bad times were just bad enough to make me want to quit. In the end, I always hung on, with the excuse that if God still left a few open doors for me, then surely it's not time for me to leave. I call it an excuse now, because I've come to realize that I really need to stop sitting back and expecting things to work themselves out, whether it's from God or not. God wants me to be active, not passive. He wants me to have faith to stand up and fight rather than always hide behind Him.

I believe that every place God puts me in is, to an extent, a learning experience. I don't think it's ever right for me to say that I've learned all that there is to learn, but I really feel like a big part of the reason I don't feel right being a private tutor now is that there isn't much room for me to grow anymore. The things I've learned, I've already learned quite well. And as for the increasingly apparent weaknesses that are holding me back, this job does not give me opportunities to overcome them. Sure, there's always more lessons to learn. But I really believe that there are job opportunities out there that can help me learn so much more. And with that in mind, I can't help but feel that it's time to move on.

And what about music? After reflecting on the story of my God-prompted decision to get a college degree in music, I realized that nowhere in that story was it made clear that I had to work full-time in the music industry. One thing that had always held me back from considering a "normal" job was that I figured if God wanted me to major in music (which I have no doubt He did), then I shouldn't bother actually pursuing any kind of work other than that which is related to His calling. But I've been noticing more and more that many people my age have jobs that have nothing to do with their majors. And that's not always a bad thing. Also, people are frequently switching jobs, or at least keeping an open mind about bigger and better opportunities. I guess I'm just too much of a perfectionist, and that's why I like to imagine myself finding a perfect job that I can keep for a very long time. But such "positive thinking" is hurting me now more than it's helping me. I would love to have a job that I can keep for many years, and it would be even better if that job had to to do with music. But my life is so much more than just work, music, or what I can see right here and now, and it would be wrong of me to deny God the opportunity to lead me on other paths, even temporary ones, if there's something I can learn from them.

In a sense, I feel the same way now as I did three years ago when God prompted me to seek a low-end summer job as a character-building experience, a quest that led to my miraculous employment as a warehouse worker at Wiston Group. The only difference now is that since I'm done with school, I'm looking for an actual long-term job position rather than a temporary minimum-wage job. To be honest, right now I really want to have a typical 8-to-5 office job - the kind of work most people think is boring. Working passionately doesn't mean I have to find a particularly exciting job; it's all about attitude, and if I step into a job knowing it will help me grow and live productively, not to mention that I'm there because God has a reason for placing me there, then I'll definitely have ways to enjoy it.

And what about my tutoring job now? I've always thought that the best thing about it is having the opportunity to be involved in different people's lives and help them learn and grow. It's all about building relationships, and that's why I don't plan on quitting tutoring completely, even if I do find a real full-time job. Having committed to helping my students academically, I'm not about to ditch them in the middle of the schoolyear. My students now are few enough that it wouldn't be a problem to move them to nighttime to make time for a full-time day job. And even though I'll be tired, it will be overshadowed by the joy of finally being able to live a productive life again.

Honestly, I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for yet, since it was only very recently that these ideas have crossed my mind. But after having done the same kind of work for several years with little sign of progress and little room to grow, I really feel like it's time to get my feet wet with a different kind of job. And even though such a job may seem substantially more boring compared to what I do now, I will approach it with the same attitude I had at Wiston Group. My eyes have been opened, and I've decided to climb out of my comfort zone and live a life in which I can wake up each morning knowing it will be a productive day with no chance for me be lazy and waste time. Music may be my dream, but dreams don't always revolve around careers. My tutoring job may be a gift from God, but that doesn't mean it's right for me to idolize it and turn my back on all other options. I'm willing to stand up and fight, but only if doing so is pleasing to God. And if these thoughts are in fact from Him, then I pray that I will have the wisdom to discern right from wrong and the courage to face whatever challenges He has in store for me.

11/02: The Fire of the Heart

A candlestick, so small but so essential to setting the mood on a romantic dinner table. A fireworks show, so majestic that people are wowed time after time as bursts of colorful light fill the nighttime sky. A simple fire in a pit, used in the stone age and still used today to give light and warmth to those around it, not to mention cook food. Imagine living life in any culture, any time period, without fire. Yet it only takes the blink of an eye for a small flame to erupt into an uncontrollable disaster. Two years ago, what began as an unintentionally ignited shrub erupted into a wildfire that forced many friends and relatives to evacuate and could have easily wiped out my entire neighborhood. During the recent pipeline explosion in San Bruno, people were simply living their lives as usual when suddenly their homes vanished in a giant ball of fire. Sometimes I really wonder, how can something so beautiful and essential to life also be the beginning of so many dangerous and life-threatening disasters?

So it is with passion, the fire of the heart. I think of passionate living as the engagement of the heart in everyday activities both big and small. It can give me a sense of purpose even in a seemingly mundane life. It can bring hope and determination during times when I feel like giving up. It can make the difference between simply wanting something and being willing to do whatever it takes to obtain or achieve it. Thomas Edison failed countless times to invent the lightbulb, but didn't give up until he was finally successful. Slaves risked severe punishment and escaped from plantations because they believed there was hope of freedom. Kings that defeated other kingdoms, minorities that fought for their rights, climbers who made it to the top of Mount Everest, athletes who won Olympic gold medals - none of these people would have achieved their goals without that innermost determination that prompted them to take heartfelt action and get out of their comfort zones to reach the light at the end of the tunnel.

But like a fire, passion can easily erupt into a disaster. Adolf Hitler was so determined to carry out his vision for the German empire that he allowed his heart to tune out the painful cries of millions of concentration camp victims. Terrorists who were involved in the September 11 attacks were so passionate about defending their faith that they were willing to give up not only their own lives, but the lives of many innocent individuals, to take a stand for what they believed. Why do people knowingly cheat on their boyfriends, girlfriends, or spouses? Why would anyone abuse children, commit rape, or rob innocent people? We often see news reports of people doing these things and wonder how anyone could be so heartless. The truth, as crazy as it may sound, is that they're really not heartless. Rather, their hearts are so passionate for achieving their selfish desires that they're willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish their goals.

To be honest, I really wish I don't have to write these words. When I think of robbers, rapists, and murderers, I want to say that I have absolutely nothing to do with them. But the truth is that we have something very important in common - passion. In my early years of college, I discovered the power of passion, and as a result I chose to abandon a lifestyle of following the world's footsteps to chase after one characterized by satisfying my heart's deepest desires by seeking God's plans for my life. But while I knew that passion was powerful, I didn't know just how big this fire could become. Over the years, I've hurt my family many times because I was so unhappy that I simply wanted someone else around me to suffer. I've exploded in anger just because people failed to meet simple expectations that I had already set my heart on. And I've gone to great measures to hurt people who have hurt me even in small ways, fueled by a passionate desire for revenge. My actions may not be as malicious as those of a serial killer, but the motives are the same. When passion burns out of control, I become enslaved to it, letting it guide my selfish desires and hardening my heart to justify those desires.

I once lived my life thinking that because God created me in His image, I should follow my heart and let it guide my paths. I confess that in doing so I had made a very big mistake. Not once does the Bible say that God wants people to follow their hearts. But instead, Proverbs 4:23 teaches the opposite - "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life". God can use passion to do great things in my life, but it takes great discipline to ensure that passion is being applied properly, just like it takes great care to prevent a fire from burning out of control. With great power comes great responsibility. Having chosen to live passionately in just about every aspect of my life, both big and small, I must be especially disciplined to use that power wisely, so that it doesn't suddenly go out of control and explode. Sometimes, trying to control my heart is like trying to tame a powerful dragon. The dragon, upon realizing that it is about to be forced into submission, will very likely try to fight back. But when that dragon is trained properly, it will help me fight my battles and carry me to places where I never thought I could go.

So does this mean that it was wrong of me to have made the passion-fueled decisions I made in college? Of course not. When I switched my major to music, I realized that there is so much more to success than how the world defines it. And by choosing to define success based on heartfelt standards, everything in life became so much more meaningful. I don't want to just live life; I want to feel alive. And that means I won't give up the fire of passionate living for anything in this world. But during the times when I found myself confused and in need of God's direction, it was wrong of me to sit back and think that my heart will magically go ahead of me and lead me in the right way. That's just an excuse for being too cowardly to step out of my comfort zone. Letting God touch my heart is different from letting my heart do whatever it wants. I've let my heart wander for too long, and in the end it has hurt both myself and others. Only by disciplining my heart can I have wisdom to distinguish between genuine love and unquenchable lust, righteous anger and selfish fury, and heartfelt passion and life-consuming idolatry. And only by guarding my heart can the fire of passion burn beautifully and powerfully inside me without turning into a disaster.

11/01: 2010 Dodge Journey SXT - Final Impressions

Having driven the Dodge Journey for two and a half weeks, I must admit I miss it more than I thought I would. As a 25-year-old Asian-American living in a predominantly Asian city, I find it hard to look at a Dodge the same way I would look at, say, a Honda or Toyota. But I must acknowledge that times are changing. Yes, American carmakers have made crucial mistakes in the past, and repeated those mistakes time after time, until the latest economic crisis sent them straight to bankrupcy. But thanks to the slowly increasing threat of those bankrupcies, the Big Three have gone through some great changes, and those changes are becoming more and more evident through the improving quality of their cars.

As I mentioned in previous entries, the Journey has several glitches and quirks. Some of them just took time to get used to, while others were downright annoying. But because this car was designed prior to the peak of the economic crisis, it makes more sense to use it as a measurement of not where America is now, but how much progress it has been making. After two and a half weeks of driving the Journey, here's a summary of my impressions.

Likes:
-Enough power for quick acceleration and comfortable passing.
-Highly versatile seat/storage configuration
-Storage bins galore! A cubby under the front passenger seat, secret underground bins, and more
-Good-looking instrument cluster design, especially when lit up at night
-Clever little mirror for driver to see what's happening in the back rows
-Satellite radio!!
-Quiet interior even at freeway speeds, perfect for enjoying the music

Dislikes:
-Awkward gearing in 40-50mph range
-Uncomfortable seats (backrest and headrest)
-Blinker schizophrenia!
-Horn feels a bit heavy; hard to give other drivers a friendly beep without blowing the daylights out of them
-Cheap seat adjustment levers
-Satellite radio's great, but where's the clock?
-Cheap materials on some storage bins

The day before returning the Journey, I had the chance to take it on an all-day trip to the Los Angeles area consisting of visiting several college friends and hanging out in nearby places. It's crucial for me to have a good car on such trips, since I use it not only to drive to and from home, but also as a base to store food, clothes, gifts, and various other supplies needed throughout the day. The myriad storage bins came in handy, allowing me to keep everything organized and out of sight, but still within easy access. And the Satellite radio kept me very entertained while on the road. Aside from the same few bugs that kept occuring time after time (which I've basically gotten used to already), the Journey proved to be a great companion.

The Journey does a great job of serving its purpose as a 7-seat crossover, with styling that is conservative but not too boring, an engine that delivers plenty of power for daily driving, and an interior geared toward versatility. I'll be honest and admit that I'm very disappointed that most of the items in the "dislikes" list were based on comparisons with my own car, which is about eight years old and was designed to be neither a luxury car nor a performance car. With that in mind, I believe that many of the Journey's foreign competitors on the market today can definitely leave owners much more satisfied. But there's one last thing I haven't factored into the equation yet - The Journey is priced well below just about all of its competitors, both American and Japanese. And if the price-to-quality ratio is an accurate measure of a car's ability to succeed, then this car is definitely one worth considering.

So what does this show about the future of American cars? It was announced recently that Dodge has replaced or significantly updated every model in its lineup for the 2011 model year. The updated Journey gets a slightly redesigned exterior and larger wheels, along with a new engine producing 283 hp. Most importantly, the interior is completely redesigned, using materials that appear much better in terms of quality. I'm quite certain that these updates will knock several items off the "dislikes" list, making the Journey much more enjoyable than it already is. As long as Dodge can manage to keep the price attractive, it will have a serious competitor in the crossover segment. And if this is any indication of the direction of American cars in general, then I believe the American auto industry can look forward to a bright future.