02/26: A Moment Worth Seven Years

We were surprised that we actually recognized each other at first. As we sat at our table eating and drinking tea, many times we found ourselves at a loss for words, unable to fully grasp the realization that we were actually hanging out together. The last time May and I saw each other, I was a freshman in college, and she had just started high school. My Winter Break had already begun, and I decided to stop by her school to visit her and a couple other friends. I only remember the details of that day because they were written in this journal. Around that time, we would chat online pretty often, and usually I would call her on her birthday and use it as a chance to catch up a little. But somewhere in the course of these past seven years, she stopped going online to chat, and I stopped calling her to say "Happy Birthday".

I really hate to lose touch with anyone that I ever considered a friend. But I've also learned that it's not right for me to use the size of my social networks to hide the fact that I'm insecure without them. As I dealt with my insecurities over the years, I stopped trying so hard to remain connected with the many people I knew who would otherwise not make an effort to talk to me. I definitely missed them, but I managed to convince myself that just as their lives were perfectly fine without me, my life would also go on just fine without them.

My intention was never to lose contact with anyone though. I simply needed to deal with more important issues first, and I knew that because God is the author of life and knows what's best, He would bring people back together and mend broken relationships if it pleased Him. Every once in a while, I would get back in touch with a friend I hadn't talked to in years, and regardless of who was the initiator, the joy that we experienced from the knowledge that a lost friendship had been revived would leave me with no doubt that the way God orchestrates how and when people's lives intersect with each other is truly amazing.

That's why, when I received the surprising message from May a few days ago, I knew I had to call her back right away. I'm an extremely shy person, and as much as I understand the importance of putting effort into friendships, I often find it very difficult to work up the courage to initiate conversations, not to mention contact people I haven't talked to in years. But even though May and I hadn't talked for so long that we weren't even sure if we had each other's most recent phone numbers, she decided to take a risk for the sake of reviving this friendship. When faced with such a precious opportunity, I wouldn't give anything less than my wholehearted devotion.

We decided there was so much to talk about and catch up on that it only made sense to meet up and do it in person. Even though we've been friends for so long, this is the first time we really started getting to know each other. We're both old enough now to understand that friendship is much more than just going out and having fun, and we cherished the time we had together not only by soaking in the amazement of seeing each other for the first time in so long, but also by sharing our adventures and views on life and being an encouragement to one another. Honestly, I could have stayed there at Tea Station all day long to continue the wonderful conversation we were having.

One thing May and I spent a lot of time talking about was how to deal with the fact that there are so many things in life that are beyond our control, since we are both "control freaks" who like to have things planned in ways we can grasp. I got to share with her my belief in doing my best with the things I can control while surrendering those I can't control to prevent counterproductive worry. As much as I love having everything go my way, I must admit that many times my way isn't always the best way. I gave up being a people-pleaser, and surrendered my friendships to God to do as He sees fit. I did my part by keeping my phone number the same all these years so people could still find me, and preventing myself from depending on social networking websites to maintain shallow friendships. And as I enjoyed the time I had to spend with May, I knew deep inside that even though my views on friendships are rather countercultural, I have just been greatly rewarded for them.

It's during times like this that I am reminded that the most meaningful things in life involve so much more than just me. Who but God alone can take two increasingly distant life stories and suddenly weave them together once again? Who but God alone can turn years of silence into such great joy? I have no doubt that the joy of knowing that our friendship has been revived is well worth the seven years May and I spent without seeing each other. But it would be pointless if we go on from here like nothing has changed at all, as if we were required to wait for several more years just to have another good conversation. As May and I said goodbye in the parking lot, I jokingly commented that hopefully it wouldn't take another seven years for us to see each other again, and as I said those words, I prayed a quick prayer in my heart for our friendship, that it could become much more than just once-a-year phone calls and once-in-a-blue-moon hangouts. Her decision to try and revive our friendship, and the great joy that resulted from it, serves as an excellent reminder for me of the power of a little effort. And because true friendship is mutual, I must learn to do my part too, whether it's reviving an old friendship or simply initiating a conversation. It's really not about how often we talk or how frequently we see each other, but rather how much we truly care about the friendship - something shown clearly through a willingness to get out of our comfort zones for the sake of our friendship. And no matter how many years it takes to finally come to the conclusion that a friendship is mutual, the great joy of that realization truly makes even the longest wait worthwhile.

02/23: It's going to snow in Walnut this Saturday. Yes, you read that right. Just minutes ago, I was checking the weather forecast before making plans for the weekend, and stumbled upon this-

2/20: At last, the moment I've been waiting for. Ladies and Gentlemen, my first major exotic car spotting of 2011!

02/14: Learning to Love

I was talking with a few friends recently, and we joked about throwing a Valentine's Day party just for us guys with no better way to celebrate. We could drink beer, play video games, watch Transformers, or do anything else that helps us feel more comfortable about our single-and-ready-to-mingle status. It didn't seem like a bad idea, except for the fact that some of us were actually very serious about it. I worry a lot about these people; sure, we're becoming increasingly hesitant to call ourselves "young", but there's still so much more ahead of us in this road of life, and how will they be able to embrace those things if they're so caught up in complaining about not having a girlfriend on Valentine's Day?

I'm glad to say that I've been set free from my old life of always chasing after temporary things to fill my insecurities. Just because my friends want to hang out, it doesn't mean I am obligated to participate. In the same way, just because today happens to be Valentine's Day, it doesn't mean I am obligated to feel bad for not having a girlfriend to celebrate it with. I have to admit, though, that sometimes my strong sense of security in Christ can end up deceiving myself if applied improperly. When I'm around people who struggle with the same issues that I struggled with at this time last year, I often isolate myself from them mentally as if their words could be of no benefit to me. Such an attitude is definitely not what God intended. And as my friends and I continued our conversation about being single on Valentine's Day, I couldn't help but look into my heart once again and ask myself where I truly desire to be now in terms of relationships.

When Valentine's Day came around last year, I had all the time in the world to organize my thoughts and write them down, resulting in the completion of a very special entry I had wished to write for years but never did until then (02/14/2010). I just took some time to reread those words, and was once again reminded of just how beautiful love can be. Things have changed a lot in this past year or so, and God has taken me on some truly amazing adventures to teach me all sorts of important lessons. Even though my life now seems to revolve around a busy work schedule that leaves me with very little time to think about other things, I know that love is always there, even if I'm too tired to "feel" it. And several of the lessons I have learned throughout this past year have also greatly impacted the way I view love.

First, I'm a much bigger coward than I'd like to think I am. The series of struggles that led to my current job showed me that sometimes when I convince myself that I'm "following God's will", I'm actually using God as an excuse to not take risks. Just because God gave me the tutoring job that I had for several years, it doesn't mean I should idolize the job as if no other career options were worth considering. Sometimes when I start feeling like God isn't doing anything in my life, it's really because I'm too much of a coward to take a leap of faith. When it comes to love, then, am I really humbly seeking God's wisdom, or am I just too scared to take a risk that may blemish an otherwise clean slate?

Second, following God's will requires that I have a willingness to step out of my comfort zone. It was only after I surrendered many of my idols during the Time of Change that God blessed me with the wisdom I gained. It was only after I opened my mind to the possibility of a new kind of job that He performed the miracles that led to my current employment. Claiming to be seeking God's will while sitting at home all day wishing for miracles to happen really doesn't make sense at all. Each story He writes in my life will eventually have a happy ending, but that doesn't mean the journey leading up to it will always be a smooth one. For so many years, I've felt content and comfortable with my relationship status. But sometimes I must ask myself if I'm being a little too comfortable.

Third, even though love requires lots of effort and discipline, the end result can be beautifully spontaneous and surprising. Having spent over half a year exploring the importance of effort and discipline in relationships, I can clearly see the dangers of turning an otherwise vibrant relationship into a bunch of rules and guidelines. Yes, effort and discipline are crucial, but if applied with the right motives, the result is beyond anything that rules can explain. If I were asked how I witnessed God's love most in this past year, I would probably mention the overwhelming joy that came from my employment, the tender love of my brothers and sisters at BSF, or the unexplainable contentment of being in His presence during Grace 2010. But in each of those cases, the love came as a surprise, and I neither earned it nor deserved it. I did my part with effort and discipline, and in the end, the result always tells me that love is truly something beyond what words can explain.

As I thought about my conversation with my friends, along with the attitudes that put words into each of our mouths, things finally began to make sense. Who am I to ever feel like I've mastered the art of love? God, who is the only source of perfect and unchanging love, cares so much about my relationship with Him that He sent Jesus to pay the price of my sins with His own blood. If there's anything I know about love, whether it's the effort and discipline behind it or the emotions that result from it, it is only by God's grace that I do. No one but God alone can fully grasp and control love, but that makes me even more thankful that He loves me and is always actively working in my everyday life, writing my life stories according to His masterplan. If romantic love between people created in God's image can be even a slight reflection of His perfect love, then surely it is something worth making sacrifices and taking risks for.

Perhaps it's easy for me to see the areas in which my friends need to learn and grow in terms of love. But the truth is that I have no less to learn myself. I'm not saying that I regret the decisions I have made in the past regarding love, because even during my mistakes, God was still in control. But if God, out of love, has blessed me with wisdom, then surely I must eagerly apply that wisdom to my life. Perhaps there are flaws in my personality that I have to break, and perhaps there are sacrifices I must make and risks I must take. But as long as I do my part, I can eagerly look forward to being surprised by love in unimaginable ways.

02/11: Last night, I got to enjoy an amazing company dinner party to celebrate Chinese New Year. Not only was the food great, but there was also so much left over that we got to have a duck fest during today's lunch break. The dinner is supposedly an annual tradition, and it was definitely interesting to get to participate for the first time as the newest member of the office. I couldn't help but notice that this dinner just happened to come shortly after the day that marked three months since I was hired into the company. And even though these three months have not been easy, they're definitely something worth celebrating.

I still find it a little funny that people are often shocked when I tell them I really like my job. When can these people finally see that there's so much more to a job than just "working"? To be honest, even after having shared so much about how blessed I have been, there are still many things I have not mentioned to anyone, because doing so would simply draw way too much attention to myself. God blesses His children in many different ways, and the fact that He gave me this job is not supposed to make me better than anyone else, but rather allow me to share my gift with others and encourage them in their struggles. Sure, sometimes I feel frustrated when I make mistakes, and there have been days when I didn't exactly feel like waking up to go to work. But the truth is that I've been blessed beyond description, and if God chooses to bless me, I'm not going to hide it or deny it. That's the reason I love my job so much; there's really no better feeling than that of knowing you've been blessed by the God of the whole universe, and that knowledge makes me eager to learn more and more to work in a way that gives Him glory.

As hard as it is to believe sometimes, work is about far more than just making money. Yes, the reason we have jobs is so we can earn an income. But given that I spend about half the time I'm awake every day in the office, I would hate to be unable to find any pleasure during that time. If God gives me time to spend, I'm going to put it to good use. If God blesses me with a job, then I'm going to cherish it as much as I can. Whether it's writing emails to customers, talking with my co-workers, or handling unexpected difficulties, there's always something that keeps the job from being entirely boring. The one thing that motivates me most is the knowledge that there's still so much for me to learn. During the dinner party, I jokingly commented on how I didn't even know how to use the fax machine on my first day at work. I've definitely come a long way. But that's no reason for me to feel like I can drop my guard now and stop putting in as much effort. For about a month now, I've been handling the job on my own, bothering my boss and co-workers only when I need help. But my boss is definitely right when she told me that it is when I start feeling confident in myself that I start making the most careless mistakes. Confidence should motivate me to work hard rather than give me an excuse to stop trying. Besides, there's still plenty for me to learn; every time a curveball situation comes up, chances are I'll be completely caught off guard and end up doing something stupid. And thanks to my boss' willingness to teach me, I've been able to learn much more about working in a company than just the things in my job description. In the long run, what matters most will not be how much money I've earned in this job, but rather how much experience and knowledge I've gained. And with that in mind, I really can't ask for any more than what I have now.

These past three months of work are worth celebrating not because I got my first "real" job, or because I now earn a steady income, or because I'm finally living a productive life. Instead, I celebrate because through this job my life has been turned around and my faith has been renewed. I've always read those Bible stories about Jesus doing miraculous things, and while I say I believe they are true, they sometimes still seem so distant from anything that's relevant to my life. But I know that it would have been impossible for me - an unqualified, inexperienced individual - to suddenly find myself with a job like this as if it literally fell from heaven right in front of me, if it weren't for the love and grace of God. And because I have witnessed this miracle firsthand, an experience that moved me to tears of overwhelming joy, I can confidently say that there is no problem too big for God to solve. With such great assurance, how can I not say that I really like my job? Only God knows how I will feel about my job another three months later, and I admit it's a little scary to know that even though my life feels rather stable now, everything is still subject to change beyond my control in one way or another. But I know that God is in control of all things, and I know that He is faithful and cares for me. There really is no better option than to continue to commit my job to Him, trusting Him to lead each step of the way according to His will.

02/05: Saturday morning, 10:30AM. I'm supposed to be teaching music right now as I do every Saturday at this time. But I'm not, and I won't be in the weeks and months to come either. I'm not sure how to describe the way I feel right now. Yes, I'm a little disappointed and sad at having lost an opportunity to share my love for music with a student. But at the same time, I feel surprisingly happy. Sure, I got paid quite well and really enjoyed this job while it lasted. But considering it's a Saturday, there are countless other things I can spend that time doing, especially now that I'm no longer dependent on teaching/tutoring to earn money. No longer do I have to be bound by my strong sense of commitment and responsibility that prompts me to always insist that all Saturday morning plans must be made at least a week in advance so I can give my student an early notice. For the first time in as long as I can remember, Saturdays will actually feel completely like a weekend, and it's going to stay that way, since I've already unofficially quit teaching/tutoring and am no longer accepting new students.

It still hasn't fully hit me that I now have a day every week in which I have absolutely no schedule obligations, whether it's church, work, or anything else. I can do whatever I want and go wherever I want, whether it's staying home to catch up on rest or going out to play all day, and I don't have to worry at all about having to be at a certain place at a certain time. One thing I know for sure is that I'm definitely going to put these Saturdays to very good use. It's been a while since I've visited my friends in college or done any "area trips". It's also been a while since I've gone to Cars & Coffee and the Golden Triangle to shoot cars. Plus, BSF occasionally holds special seminars on Saturday mornings, and now I'll finally be able to attend.

As for music, well, I guess this marks the end of my series of attempts over the years to venture into the music education business, whether it's theory lessons, classical piano, or keyboard improvisation. I'll still write music, make arrangements, and perform in concerts, but I will no longer have to worry about being inadequate in teaching - something I never felt like I was good at. If God decides to open the door again someday, I'm more than willing to follow His calling. But at this point, He has already blessed me with a full-time job to meet my financial needs, and adding to that the fact that I can now treat music as purely a hobby and also have my Saturdays completely free, I really can't ask for anything better.

02/04: One Year of Exotic Affinity

It started over four years ago, when I wanted to find a way to put some of my exotic car videos online as a supplement to my photo directory simply known as Calvin's Exotic Car Photo Gallery, or "CalvinsECPG". I registered a YouTube account under the same name just to keep things consistent, and uploaded a few clips of cars that I randomly decided to film after having already taken pictures of them. It wasn't until over a year later that I found interest in collecting and editing videos of cars, after spontaneously stumbling upon Hing Wa Lee's 2007 Exotic Car Event which inspired me to make my first compilation video.

In early 2009, I decided that the frequency at which I was filming videos, along with the large number of old videos I had filmed in past years but never posted, would make it possible for me to bring the CalvinsECPG channel to life by posting a new video every week. Later that year, I was very fortunate to catch some extremely precious footage, including the first-ever video of a Maybach Zeppelin in America and the special apperance of the brand new Lexus LFA supercar at Cars & Coffee. The two videos I posted of the LFA became instant hits, getting more views than all my other videos at the time combined. In the blink of an eye, CalvinsECPG was on the map next to many of the more well-known car spotting YouTube channels that had always been my inspiration.

I neither expected such success nor was prepared for it. And the main reason I was not prepared was that even after months of consistent uploads, my channel still used a name that made my car videos secondary to my photos. After all, this was a video channel, not a photo gallery. And as I watched the number of viewers and subscribers on my channel grow at an increasing rate, I knew that if I ever wanted to give it a more meaningful name, it had to happen quickly. I admit I was never very good at naming things, whether it's an animal, a song, or a screen name. And when it came to the new channel, I tried just about every method I could think of, from talking to myself out loud while shooting cars in Beverly Hills to sitting in my room with a pencil and paper writing down whatever came to mind. It seemed to me like a miracle that I was able to come up with "Exotic Affinity" - a name that truly captures the essence of the art of car spotting. And I was no less amazed that the name was actually not taken yet. Within less than a week, I had designed the new channel's logo and background, re-uploaded all of the videos from CalvinsECPG that were deemed good enough, added a few new videos, and created an intro film to commemorate the transition. On February 4, 2010, Exotic Affinity was launched to the public, with 50 exotic car videos and a continued commitment to weekly updates.

The new channel was essentially everything the old one was, if not better. However, there were many sacrifices I had to make. In a sense, I had to start over new, with all my videos back to zero views and no "related videos" links to help promote the new channel. In addition, all of the videos on the old channel had to be set to private to prevent fighting with the same films on the new account. I hated the idea of forcing an end to something that was already good, but I knew that the sooner I made the sacrifice, the sooner I would see the fruits of my leap of faith.

From the very beginning, car spotting had been a very personal hobby for me. Very few people understood the way I was naturally attracted to exotic cars, and I didn't mind having to act, look, and sound like a fool in order to truly enjoy the hobby. So when I launched the new channel, it only made sense that I incorporated a lot of my personal beliefs and values into the way I approached it:
-Exotic Affinity takes pride in the originality of its content. Other than the machines and softwares used to film and edit the videos, everything is original, including all pictures, videos, and music. As a musician, I enjoy having the opportunity to create music that enhances my videos, and the merging of my two biggest hobbies allows them to become great inspirations for each other.
-Exotic Affinity has honest and pure motives. I never asked anyone to subscribe, nor did I subscribe to others as a bribe to gain popularity. In fact, I didn't hesitate to block and remove subscribers who pester me to subscribe back or attempt to promote themselves on my channel. I also declined opportunities to earn money for my videos in exchange for having advertisements placed on them. The purpose of this channel was never to make me popular or help me earn money, but simply to share my car spotting experiences with others. Car spotting is a hobby, and that's all I want it to be.
-Exotic Affinity values quality over quantity. While I own neither a high-definition camera nor an advanced editing software, I set high standards for the quality of my videos. For example, films must capture the car(s) either in motion or making sound. Both audio and video must end with a fade to prevent abrupt endings. With many standards set in place, it is no surprise that a large amount of my footage will never end up online. But even so, I'd rather limit the number of videos I post than leave viewers discontent with what they see.

In this past year, I got to meet people in various local automotive communities and attend events together. I also got to interact with people across the world who share a love for exotic cars. These are the things that really make Exotic Affinity so valuable to me, and the knowledge that there are people who I can share my videos with inspires me to put even more effort into the hobby. The channel currently has over 120 videos and several hundred subscribers from over 50 different countries. It has exceeded the standards set by the old channel in almost every way, leaving me certain that my decision to make the transition was truly a worthwhile one. Statistically speaking, it is by no means popular compared to the other car spotting channels that have been around longer. But considering how I never attempted to advertise the channel by any means other than letting the videos speak for themselves, it has come a very long way, and it continues to grow at an increasing rate.

As for what lies ahead in the year to come, there are many options in the cards, from linking with networking websites to investing in a new camera to bringing my photos under the Exotic Affinity umbrella alongside the videos. Because I work full time now, the time I have to edit videos is limited, and I have very few opportunities to spontaneously catch cars outside of my planned car spotting trips. But my commitment to maintaining and increasing the success of Exotic Affinity has not changed. Special thanks to all of my subscribers and viewers for contributing to the growth of Exotic Affinity in this past year, especially those who frequently left comments and shared their thoughts with me. There's still plenty of room for this channel to grow, and with that in mind, I look forward to another amazing and exciting year of sharing my love for cars with the world.

01/30: It seems like it was all a dream - hearing my alarm ring at 5:20 A.M., driving over to the gas station a few minutes from home, filming a gang of exotic and high-end performance cars taking off for an epic run, and hopping right back in bed to sleep for another several hours. The only way I know for sure it actually happened is by looking at the photos and video clips on my camera. Yep, it's those local high-end performance car clans again, coming together for an early morning run to Supercar Sunday. The only difference is that I didn't actually go with them this time (why did the Pcars guys not participate in this one?). But since the first meeting point is practically walking distance from my neighborhood, I figured it was worth waking up for. After all, I hadn't shot anything nice in a very long time.

Okay fine, I lied. I did catch three different Ferraris in these past few days. But other than that, things have been eerily quiet since um... last year. That's one of the biggest downsides of having a job that doesn't require commuting from place to place every hour. But hey, there's always the weekends. And considering how it's already been a couple months since my last car-spotting adventure (the LA Auto Show), I'd love to throw a trip to C&C or the Golden Triangle on my schedule in the near future. After all, daylight savings won't happen until March, and I can't possibly wait that long.

01/28: Conversations

I learned at Grace 2010 that time is something that cannot be "made" or "bought"; there are 24 hours in a day, and there's nothing I can do to change that. The only thing I can control is what I chose to do with my time. But since God, who is in control of all time, made the day to be 24 hours long, then surely He does not expect me to accomplish more than what's possible within that timeframe. As long as I do my best to make the most out of the time He has given me, He will take care of the rest.

One thing I realized very quickly after starting to work full time is that free time is an extremely precious commodity. After eight hours in the office, usually followed by an hour or two of tutoring, there are only a few hours left for me to relax at home before going to sleep to prepare for the next day's work. And if I really want to finish everything I want to do at home, then those few "relaxing" hours often become no less busy than the hours I spend at work. Fortunately, almost all of the things I "need" to do at home are more or less for fun. But most of the time, it's very clear that there is simply too much to do in too little time, and that a lot of the things I want to do must remain on my to-do list for another day or two. But in those times, how do I prioritize my many random tasks so that the most important things are the ones that get done first?

Since most of these activities are just for fun, I often wonder which of them deserve the biggest portions of my free time. Editing car videos for YouTube? It's definitely fun and relaxing, but it's not worth staying up past my bedtime for. Making music? Yes, but there's always the weekend. Writing journal entries? Aside from those few occasional entries about life-changing encounters, they can wait. Going out to have fun with friends? I'd love to, but it's not right to stay out late and party when I know doing so will greatly affect my performance at work the next day. That's not to say that I actually obey my bedtime-at-11PM rule religiously though. The truth is that on most nights, I tend to stay up later than I intend to. But as one who values sufficient sleep and has always been more or less disciplined in this area, I wouldn't stay up late at night unless there's a good reason for it. And so far, I have only found one good reason - conversations.

I've always believed that good communication is crucial in strengthening relationships and reaching people's hearts. I can go out and party with people time after time, but it's not until we can sit down and talk that we truly become friends. And it breaks my heart to know that many people that I've been friends with for years are too busy planning big hangouts, buying gifts, and throwing parties to realize that none of those things will ever mean more to me than a quality conversation does. I often find myself greatly frustrated when people initiate a conversation online but take ridiculously long to respond to each IM, a sign that their hearts are clearly not engaged in the conversation. In those times, I gladly say goodbye and leave, knowing there are better ways to put my God-given time to good use. But each time a good, heartfelt conversation begins, whether it's with my family, my friends, or anybody else, I feel confident that I want to make the most out of it, even if it means I have to sacrifice a little sleep.

A friend that I met at Grace 2010 recently emailed me saying that when I write to her, I sound as if I were still at the conference. Her words filled me with joy, because it has been my goal ever since I came back from the conference to continue applying the things I've learned and letting them impact my life. And I know that I would not still have the same joy and enthusiasm I had at the conference now if it weren't for all the emails I've been exchanging with my new friends in which we reminded one another of God's greatness. That's the power of conversations. Several of my friends at BSF have asked for prayer regarding their struggles to find jobs, but because God has graciously provided me with the job I have now, I can encourage them, knowing through firsthand experience that He really does provide for the needs of His people. In the same way, I have been greatly encouraged by seeing how God led several friends to new churches where they truly feel at home, since it is an area that I'm currently struggling in. People nowadays often neglect the need for healthy conversations, assuming that God will take care of all their struggles. But considering how many times in the Bible God stresses the importance of fellowship, it is safe to say that some of our needs as humans are best met by God through the mouths of other people. Something about the ability to walk with others through the ups and downs of their lives while knowing that they're also walking beside me leaves me assured that good friendships are something truly worth investing in.

And this is not limited only to Christian circles and church fellowships. It doesn't matter if the person I'm talking to is a believer or not, or if the person shares the same hobbies and interests as me, or if the person is the same age, race, gender, or social class as me. A good, heartfelt conversation, even a very casual and lighthearted one, prompts us to think about life and remember that there's more to life than just ourselves. Conversations, as long as they take place for the right reasons, help us see from different perspectives, gain experience from a new point of view, and move forward in a way we can't do by ourselves. God has a purpose behind everything, and while I don't like to force people to believe in Him as if He weren't powerful enough to touch their hearts Himself, I am always eager to share my life stories, knowing that through them people can get a glimpse of His unfathomable greatness that made my life meaningful.

Having faced and overcome many of my insecurities and hidden motives that had greatly hindered my relationships in the past, I now understand more than ever before the importance of emphasizing quality over quantity. But while I always prefer talking on the phone or meeting with friends in person over less personal methods of communication, the truth is that it would be crazy for me to call or visit everyone I want to talk to with the little time that God gives me during the week. I've come to realize more and more that it's not impossible to strengthen friendships in healthy ways through chatting online or writing emails. While online chatting often makes relationships suffer by allowing people to cling onto their insecurities rather than seek quality friendships, there are still those occasional times when people IM me with the intention of actually having a good conversation. And even though I often force myself to limit the amount of time I spend online, for those few conversations I'm willing to stay online as long as I need to. Many of my conversations now also take place through "email chains" - basically a quicker way of writing letters to each other that still requires setting time apart to think about what to write. As long as we are willing to put in effort to keep the chains going, this is a very effective way to be actively involved in the less urgent aspects of each other's lives. Sometimes it may take days for me or for others to reply to emails. But the point is that we eventually do reply, and do so genuinely. For a long time, I have felt like most people around me that I care about aren't willing to put in effort to invest in friendships like I am. But more and more, I'm starting to realize that things are finally changing.

Some people seem to be content with assuming that their social lives are flourishing simply because they follow their friends' blogs and know exactly what's happening in their lives. But to be honest, if I had to "follow" the lives of all my friends as if they were celebrities, I'd much rather spend the time editing my car videos and doing things that I enjoy the most. I am so attracted to having good conversations, because friendship isn't about knowing facts about what's going on in each other's lives, but rather walking together through the various ups and downs of our lives. There's really nothing I look forward to more after a long and tiring day of work than to enjoy some good conversations with people I care about, and each time I experience that joy that comes from knowing how blessed I am to have become a part of the lives of my friends, I know without doubt that our conversations are worth all the time, energy, and sleep sacrificed to make them happen.

01/21: I just realized that recently I have a tendency to want to write on Friday nights. I guess the whole feeling of being done with a week of work and having the weekend to relax makes me want to think about the past week and wrap up my thoughts. If I had to complain about something regarding this past week, it would be that business has been so slow that there's not enough work to do, thanks to a particular upcoming holiday that prompts one fifth of the world's population (which includes many of our agents) to ditch work and go home. I even told my boss a couple days ago that I feel most tired at work when there's not enough work to do. Fortunately, there's always more to learn, and my boss is just as willing to teach me as I am willing to learn.

Still, I must admit my heart feels quite disturbed right now. My job is going great, but this job isn't all about me, especially considering how much time, effort, and energy my boss and co-workers have spent to help me get to where I am now. I know I can be quite selfish sometimes, but even so I know something's not right when I'm being blessed so abundantly while someone else is suffering. It was never my intention for this to happen. But the truth right now is that the company must make some important decisions in the near future that may cause great suffering to someone who I really don't want to see suffer. And it's not anyone's fault, because the circumstances that led to this situation were beyond anyone's control. Only God knows what's best right now, and that's why I'm more thankful than ever before that all of us who may be affected by this situation are followers of God who place His will above our own. I pray that we can all continue to make the most out of what He has given us, so that we can be confident that whatever happens, it is happening according to His will.

01/19: A Secret Adventure

I've always loved to share my life stories with others. But sometimes it's easy for me to start using those stories to draw attention to myself, as if I deserved the credit for writing them. Last year, God took me on some truly amazing adventures that I know happened only because of His love and grace, and as I learned the importance of trusting in Him alone for security, I also learned that I must have wisdom regarding when and how to publicly share important things happening in my life, so that I don't end up foolishly grabbing the pen back from Him to write the stories I had already entrusted to Him. For the past several months, there was a very important part of my life that I had not shared with anyone, because doing so would easily distract me from the purpose behind it. But enough time has passed that I can now feel confident about my motives, and because of that, I'm glad to finally share about this incredible blessing from God in my life.

Back in 2009, I had the great honor of participating in Clay Music's Taiwan tour after seeking God's will for months regarding the trip and feeling overjoyed when He opened the doors for me to go (3/3/09 entry). Last September, the team went to Taiwan again, but for various reasons it decided to employ instrumentalists from Taiwan instead (9/10/10 entry). I must admit I was more than a little disappointed to know that I would have to miss the opportunity to perform music for God's glory and see all my friends and relatives from Taiwan. The team left for the trip, and I continued on with my daily life as usual. A few days later, however, as I was thinking about all the great things that I was probably missing out on, I suddenly came to an amazing realization. Travelling to make music, spending time with my friends, and visiting my relatives are all wonderful things, and God had always opened doors for me to do those things, especially on the 2009 Taiwan trip that I participated in. If God really has a plan for everything, then in the same way He had a reason for letting me go on that trip, surely He must also have had a reason for stopping me from going this time!

During the weeks in which the tour was taking place, the Dream & Imagine worship team, which I had faithfully and gladly served with on a weekly basis for several years, came to an end because difficult circumstances at church forced people to move on. Also, the discipleship group that had met every Friday and helped me stay focused on seeking God's will for almost a year suddenly disbanded as if it never existed. With my church going through a very difficult transitional period, I was highly dependent on those two ministries every week to help me maintain a healthy walk with God and fulfill my God-given need to fellowship with other believers. Suddenly, they were gone. And I can't imagine how I would have felt if I had gone on the Taiwan tour and come back home only to discover that the communities that had blessed me so much had been burned down to the ground.

But the most important thing is not that I was able to stay and participate in the final days of those ministries, but rather that God also used those few weeks to demonstrate His faithfulness by leading me to a new place with people that fulfilled my need for fellowship. During the first week that the Taiwan team was gone, my mom was invited to the women's group of a weekly fellowship simply known as Bible Study Fellowship, or BSF. She found out that there was also a weekly young adults' group under the same organization and asked if I would be interested. I hesitated at first, because the meeting place for the young adults' group was more than half an hour away, and I didn't know if I wanted to make such a commute every Tuesday night, especially considering how badly my job was going at the time. But I eventually agreed to give it a try, and showed up at the following week's meeting. Since then, I had not missed a single week.

There were many things about BSF that made it attractive to me. In the months that led to my discovery of the fellowship, God had placed in my heart a deep desire to see churches grow in loving discipline rather than use Him as an excuse to do things halfheartedly. Unlike most church-based organizations, BSF is extremely organized, and it emphasizes the importance of being committed, disciplined, and punctual. Just like a school, each "year" begins in the fall and ends in the spring, and this year's study is on the book of Isaiah. A typical meeting consists of singing worship songs, participating in a discussion with assigned small groups, and listening to a sermon. Each week, we are assigned a reading packet and a set of daily homework questions, which are then discussed at the following week's meeting followed by a lecture on the same passages. While the fellowship has strict policies on attendance, participation, and punctuality, the motivation behind these rules is love; only through discipline can people get in the habit of putting God above the busyness of everyday life, and only so can people really commit to being a part of each other's lives. These were exactly the things that God had placed in my heart in the months leading up to that time, and it made me overjoyed to realize that I no longer had to feel alone.

I was surprised to find out during my first time at BSF that there were people who had to drive twice as far as I did to be there despite their busy school and work schedules. Considering how lazy and fickle today's young people can be, the very presence of so many committed college students and young adults who had to make sacrifices to be there served as a witness to the effectiveness of the ministry. From the very first day, I prayed to God that if I were to meet any friends at BSF, it would be for His glory alone. Having come fresh out of the Time of Change, I had no reason to be there other than to strengthen my relationship with God through studying His word and spending time with other believers. I prayed that God would do whatever it would take so that I would not get carried away by the desire to feel content with simply meeting friends and having fun. And from the very beginning I knew He was with me. Even though the "schoolyear" had already begun a week before I showed up, not once did I feel like an outsider having to figure things out alone. During my first night, I met a new friend who enjoyed our conversations so much that he went to the leaders and requested that I be placed in the same small group as him, guaranteeing me a spot despite attendance being limited. The following week, I got to meet everyone in my new small group, and we began our journey of studying God's word together, discussing what we learned each week, praying for one another, and bearing witness to the great stories God was writing in our lives.

It was through BSF that I learned many of the things that eventually helped me realize that God was calling me to find a new job, triggering the great miracle of my current employment. My first day of work just happened to be a Tuesday, and that night at BSF I had the chance to share what happened, testifying to God's unfathomable love and encouraging many of the people I talked to. If there was one thing I loved most about BSF, it would be the community - a group of amazing brothers and sisters around my age who I see on a weekly basis and can truly share my heart with. These people know me better than many of the friends that I've grown up with do, because while we enjoy having fun, we don't let entertainment distract us from focusing on the God who brings us together to fellowship every week. God knows exactly what I need when it comes to friends, and every week when I go to BSF, I am once again reminded that He is truly a God who cares and provides.

The one thing people at BSF don't know about me is that all this time I have been attending the fellowship, I have done so in secret. I had two reasons for doing so - I didn't want anyone to distract me from my experience at BSF, and I didn't want to be a distraction to anyone. I've always loved inviting friends from different circles to events so that new friendships can be formed among them. But from the very beginning, I knew that I had to approach BSF differently, not because I wanted to deny others the opportunity to be part of it, but because the whole point of me committing to this group as opposed to asking my friends from other churches to bring me to their fellowships was to seize the opportunity to engage in an entirely new environment and allow God to open my eyes through it. Inviting people I'm comfortable with to join me would surely distract me from getting out of my comfort zone and building new relationships. And in the same way, I would very likely be a crutch to them, allowing them to participate in the fellowship for the wrong reasons (a problem I see a lot with many of my Christian friends). Having experienced the desperation that resulted from not having a well-rooted community to fill my God-given needs, I went to BSF certain that I did not want anything, no matter how good it may seem, to hinder my ability to fully experience the joy and love of this fellowship.

But of course, it would be wrong of me to forever insist on sheltering myself in this way, because God's greatness demands to be shared to others. Having been a part of BSF for about four months, I can now step into the building confidently every Tuesday night knowing that I'm a part of the community, both because I have blessed others and because I have been blessed by them. I admit that ever since I got my full-time job, it has become much harder for me to commit to BSF's daily homework questions and stay focused on what I'm learning. Sometimes I'm so tired on Tuesday night that I'm tempted to just show up to the meeting and leave immediately afterwards without speaking to anyone. But the truth is that there has not been a single week in which I saw my brothers and sisters at BSF and didn't feel urged to participate in such beautiful fellowship. God selected the Israelites as His chosen people not because they were better than others, but because He wanted them to be a blessing to others. In the same way, God writes stories in each of our lives so that we can bless others as we share them.

It was on the day after I went to BSF for the first time that I heard the news that my church's discipleship group was disbanding. I was shocked, hurt, and a bit angry, but at the same time I also witnessed God's perfect faithfulness in my life. As I've learned many times through BSF's discussions and teachings on the book of Isaiah, God always cares for and protects those who are faithful to Him. His plans, while not always pleasant at the time, are always for His glory and for the eternal good of His people. If I had gone to Taiwan in September, I would have probably dismissed the idea of checking out BSF, thinking that by then I had already missed too many weeks. God denied me the opportunity to go to Taiwan, perform great music, and see my friends and relatives, not because those things were bad, but because He had even better things in store for me!

While BSF is by no means a replacement for going to church on Sundays, it is, to me, everything that a church is supposed to be. Even though it has many imperfections, God looks in our hearts and blesses us accordingly. I may not know what the future has in store for me in terms of church attendance, but one thing I know for sure is that at BSF, I have found people who I can truly call my brothers and sisters. Half a year ago, I would have never guessed that I would be able to learn so much from the book of Isaiah, not to mention be part of such an amazing group of people. Looking back now, I can't imagine what my life would be like now had I not made the effort to check out BSF for the first time. God knew what I needed most, and was eager to fulfill those needs. I may not know what the future holds, but I now know that there are people in my life who pray for me and are eager to walk with me in both the good times and the hard times. I pray that the everlasting Father who unites us all may continue to strengthen our relationships with one another as we strengthen our relationships with Him, seeking to give Him glory in all that we do.

01/14: It's the end of another week of work. In a sense, this has been my first "real" week of work; even though I've been going to the office for over two months, this was my first whole week of actually working rather than just learning. After last Friday's sudden transition to me handling my job alone without anyone sitting next to me, I found myself naturally having to take much more responsibility and think much harder, and as a result I've come to have a much better grip on what I have to do. Sure, I still have plenty of questions to bug my boss and co-workers with. But for the most part, I found myself greatly surprised that I'm actually not as far from really fulfilling my job description as I thought.

I'm not just happy because I feel like things are going well for me. The truth is that my ability to work on my own really affects the whole company. Due to some difficult and uncontrollable circumstances that we have been facing, the only options my boss had were to either hire a skilled new employee to handle much of our work, or to keep me and train me up as quickly as possible. Considering how little qualifications I have for the job, I really think my boss took a great leap of faith by banking so much on my ability to succeed. And knowing that she puts God's will above her own, I am even more thankful for this job, because I really don't know how else I could have gained the knowledge, skills, and experiences I've gained in these two short months.

The best thing is that no matter how much I've already learned, there's still plenty of room to grow. Knowing that this job is a blessing from God, I feel much better after a busy and productive day than I do after a day with nothing to do in the office. Business tends to be slower at this time of the year, and that's why I finished my work early for several days this week. But that gave me more time to review what I've done, ask questions about things I still didn't understand, and let what I learned sink deep inside me so that I will be ready to handle heavier workloads when business picks up again. Next week will mark the beginning of a period of transition in which the people I communicate with, who, for reasons I understand and agree with but will not describe in detail here, have known me by a name more familiar to them, will start to be introduced to my actual identity. My boss's decision to begin this transition now tells me that she is able to trust me, because from next week on I will not only be focusing on communication, but also building relationships with the people I communicate with in ways that will affect how they view the company. It's a kind of responsibility I've never had in my life before, and I pray that such a responsibility will motivate me to keep moving forward as God continues to guide me in this job every day.

01/12: (Continuation of 12/2 entry)

Every morning when I leave this island, I fix my eyes on freedom. And when I return home with the spirit of a free man, all the eating and drinking that we enjoy every night simply doesn't attract me the way it used to anymore. I've lived on this island for as long as I can remember, but how is it that the people here still know me only by what I like to eat and drink? What bothers me isn't that they don't pay attention to my daily activities or appreciate the gifts I bring them, but rather that they are unwilling to accept and understand the great joy and freedom I am so eager to share with them. I tell them about my journeys, and in their drunkenness they laugh at me. I bring them fruits from the feasts, and they take a bite and leave the rest to rot. As the legends say, true beauty demands adoration. And because I have traveled far from home and seen such great beauty, I don't know how much longer I can bear with my growing discontent from being surrounded by people who always speak of the places in the legends as if they were real yet mock me when I tell them I've been there. More and more I'm starting to wonder, how can I consider this island my home when I feel so out of place among the people here? What would happen if I gave up the comfort of returning to my bed one night in search of a new place to rest? What if I extended my journeys of exploration for days, weeks, or even months? What if I got in my boat one morning and left this island, never to come back again?

01/07: I spent about an hour filing papers at work today, and somewhere in the middle of the repetitive and mindless task, I found myself smiling unintentionally. People ask me how my job's going, and I tell them I totally love it. If someone else said that to me, I might have thought they were being sarcastic. But really, I love my job, and the more I think about it, the more I realize how much I love it.

That's not to say that things are easy though. In fact, this past week has been anything but that. I made careless mistakes that left some customers unhappy. I disappointed my boss by forgetting things that she has taught me numerous times. I made a fool of myself when making phone calls and finding myself absolutely clueless about what the person on the other line is talking about. I had to show up at work early, leave work late, and even go to work on days that nobody else has to work. But in the middle of all that, God reminded me that He was with me, and that I was truly blessed to have such a wonderful job opportunity.

I'm sure going to the Grace conference contributed greatly to the positive attitude I have right now. With my students getting ready for finals next week, I've been literally working from morning till night almost every day. And normally when my schedule becomes so crazy, I start feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, and it starts messing with my overall attitude toward my daily life. But God was always there to help me see the bright side of things. There were times in this past week when I really felt disappointed, helpless, and even a little hopeless. But my prayer every morning was that I could learn more and more what it means to go to work as an act of worship to God. And time after time, I came back to the conclusion that no matter how difficult things get, the many opportunities I have to learn and grow make even the hardest situations worthwhile. When I went to work over the weekend, I had very precious opportunities to be trained by my boss without having to worry about the busyness of ordinary workdays. When I showed up to work early and left late, it was because people were willing to invest in me so I could grow quickly. And even though I am still far from the level I need to be at, I can look back now and say that I've truly come a long way, and that it would have been impossible for me to be where I am now and have gained all the experiences I've gained without the help of everyone who was willing to patiently put up with my mistakes and have faith that I will learn from them.

As hard as it is to believe, it's been almost two months since I miraculously got hired for the job. And all this time, I've held on to my belief that being trained with no prior experience is like putting together a jigsaw puzzle; the more pieces I put together, the easier it gets. There were times that I really felt like giving up, because it seemed like no matter how many little sections of the puzzle I had already figured out, I still couldn't imagine what the big picture was supposed to look like. I had always been very optimistic, and there were many times when I felt like I was ready to prove that I'm learning very quickly, only to end up feeling like an idiot. I would try to spread my wings and fly, then fall helplessly back down, then try to fly again, then fall again... and it seemed like the cycle would never end. But looking back at this past week, I noticed that the amount of time I can fly before falling is getting increasingly longer.

This morning, I was greeted with a surprising challenge. My boss told the co-worker who had been put in charge of sitting next to me all day and training me that she could return to doing her own work, leaving me to figure everything out on my own. Sure, they were there when I had questions, and it wasn't long before I lost count of how many times I bugged them with my questions. But I managed to figure out a lot more than I thought I could, and I feel like I've successfully handled more today than I ever did in a single day since I started this job. Things are definitely looking good, and I think the solution to a lot of the problems in the company now may come sooner than expected. Each time I feel confident like this, I stop and pray that my confidence will not cause me to become prideful or daydream about unrealistic goals, but will rather inspire me to try even harder to put in effort and do my best. There's a lot that I will have to carry on my shoulders, and I eagerly look forward to the day when I'll be strong enough to carry them. In the mean time, I pray that I will maintain the same positive attitude I have now that makes my job something to look forward to every day, and let everything I do at work be done as an act of worship to God.

01/05: Random things I learned from the Chicago/Indiana trip

-Bounceball is a truly addicting game.
-Tommy Emmanuel is (still) a monster.
-I make good-looking snow angels.
-Music stands are unnecessary, as long as you have duct tape.
-Peppermint mochas at Starbucks are amazing.
-There are only two things in this world louder than Dan's guitar - Formula One race cars and Joyce playing drums without a shield.
-Nobody in the Midwest knows where Mammoth Lakes is.
-Everybody knows where Lake Michigan is.
-Hot peppermint mochas taste twice as good when you're standing outside in the snow.
-Panda Express is not real Chinese food, period. Every Asian in the Midwest needs to come to California and have their taste buds enlightened.
-The idea of a "Whiteout" is beyond my imagination, and I have yet to experience what it's really like.
-There's a place called "White Castle" that I really need to try.
-There's a place called "In-N-Out Burger" that they really need to try.
-Rain destroys snow bears and reindeer ice sculptures.
-My birthday is an area code in Chicago. I guess the trip was really meant to be!

01/04: It still hasn't quite hit me that it's the beginning of a new year. Maybe it's because I've been so busy that it simply doesn't feel like a new year, other than the fact that I have to be extra careful at work not to submit any documents with "2010" instead of "2011". (Surprisingly, I haven't made that mistake yet! Or maybe it's because nobody bothered telling me that I screwed up.) I'm so glad I told everybody at home before I went to Chicago that I would be gone until early January, even though I technically got back before New Year's. Those extra few days gave me the desperately needed time to reflect on the things I learned and experienced at Grace 2010 and let them sink deep into my heart before jumping into the busyness of everyday life. And with the love and grace of God in my heart, even the most stressful days give me reasons to rejoice.

I just realized recently that I'm technically working three jobs right now. Freight forwarding is my full-time job, while my old tutoring work has become a night job. Then there's music, which I now consider a weekend job due to my busy schedule during the week. One job provides a steady salary, another gives me some additional income, while the third is mostly just a hobby. I find it crazy that I'm occupying myself with so much to do - Sure, it's nice to earn more money, but I'm not financially desperate to the point where I must work from morning till night every day. But the funny thing is that even though I come home everyday insanely tired, deep inside I feel good. And it's not just because I can look back and feel like I accomplished a lot. I feel good because I am confident that I'm right where God wants me to be now.

I've noticed many times throughout my life that when I feel like things aren't going right, it's not always because what I do is wrong; sometimes, it's just because my priorities are messed up. For example, I went to college with the intention of getting a degree in engineering because I liked cars, computers, and other things that are somewhat related to the field. Music, on the other hand, seemed more suitable as a hobby, since I had always treated it as a pastime when I studied piano and composition as a kid. But in the end, God blessed me with the wisdom to realize that I was called to major in music and make it the focus of my college career, while my love for cars would remain a hobby. It was a very countercultural decision, but when my priorities were set straight, I not only became a passionate music student, but also discovered just how much I love cars as a hobby. That's exactly how I feel right now. When I tried to make music and tutoring my full-time career commitments, I ended up frustrated at my lack of direction and wisdom to pursue such jobs. But when I got my full-time office job, what were once my primary sources of income became secondary. As a result, I can not only put my time to good use, but also stop stressing about the instabilities of my two side jobs and enjoy them without all the unnecessary pressure. And with God as the highest priority, leading the way in everything I do, I really feel like all the things He has given me to fill my time with are great blessings that I must put to good use.

One thing I failed to realize before this week started was that my students are taking their semester finals next week, meaning there's a lot of cramming they need to do this week, and that I will be spending a lot of time with them to help them cram. But that makes me even more thankful that I've had the time to let the things I learned at the conference truly sink inside my heart, because otherwise I don't know how I would have responded to the sudden realization that I have to work literally from morning till night almost every day this week, plus additional hours in the weekend. My experiences at Grace 2010 made it even more clear to me than before that I'm really, really blessed to be where I am right now, whether it's because of my family and friends, my job opportunities, or simply the fact that God loves me and cares about my life. And I pray that no matter how busy I am or how difficult my work gets, I will remember to approach every day knowing that I must make the most out of all that God has blessed me with.