08/28: I met a guy in Irvine yesterday morning who told me he's been a little disappointed at the recent turnouts at Cars & Coffee. I told him about the stuff I saw on my last few trips to C&C - Hennessey Venom GT, McLaren MP4-12C, and Jaguar CX-75 concept car. That left him shocked, especially upon realizing I live half an hour away from Irvine and only go to C&C a few times a year. Our conversation ended with me advising him to do his research more often, or at least make friends with people who do research. Thinking back now, I should have given him my YouTube name. I had posted an announcement earlier in the week saying that I was looking forward to an amazing day at C&C on Saturday, and those who know me well enough should know right away that something special was going to happen that day.

And something special did happen - so special that even those (like myself) who thought they knew what to expect ended up amazed. For starters, Lamborghini Newport Beach made an official announcement that they would be bringing a matte white Aventador LP700-4 to C&C. That alone was enough to justify waking up at 5AM. But there were also two other unconfirmed rumors floating around. First, Aston Martin would be displaying their new V12 Zagato prototype race car, which just made its U.S. debut in Monterey a week ago. And second, as if Lambo NB's Aventador weren't good enough, someone would be bringing a second Aventador. Now imagine the looks on everybody's faces upon discovering that both of those rumors turned out to be true...

08/25: As one who usually plans things out way ahead of time, I'm always amazed when my schedule gets shuffled around in such a way that, even though it's totally beyond my control, it still works out perfectly somehow. Well, it's not exactly perfect, since it always sucks when plans get cancelled. But still, I really can't ask for anything better. Originally, I was supposed to have plans after work today that would keep me up pretty late at night, along with late-night plans tomorrow. Yesterday morning I decided to spend about five minutes checking my email before going to work, and that's when all the shuffling happened. One email told me that my plans for tonight would be cancelled. Another told me that tomorrow's late night plans would also be cancelled. But in exchange, tomorrow night I get to have dinner with a friend who went to Japan and lost touch for several years. And to top things off, there will be a special appearance at Cars & Coffee this Saturday that I would not miss for the life of me, and that makes me extremely thankful to actually not have to stay out late Friday night and also wake up at 5AM on Saturday. Yep, you guys know what I'm talking about. All the Monterey festivities are now over, and the Lamborghini Aventador can now be shown in public without the dealer getting into trouble with headquarters. And this time it's an official announcement, not just an unconfirmed rumor, so it's bound to happen. And I'm bound to be there, ready to be amazed.

08/18: How do people respond to wonders? What do we do during those times when life gives us gifts so incredible that we are left far beyond content? Some will throw a party and drink the night away. Some will call their closest friends and family members to share the great news. Some will feel good about themselves, boosting their egos at the thought of what they've accomplished. Some will go out and buy a lottery ticket, thinking they must be the luckiest people in the world. Then there are those who will find a solitary place away from any distractions, reflect on the gifts they just received, and wonder just why God blesses them so much.

That's where I am right now. In all honesty, I'm so blessed right now that I don't even want to write about all the details here, because doing so would only attract unnecessary (and undeserved) attention to myself. Just by taking a comple seconds to let this day replay itself in my head, I'm left with no doubt that I've goofted up far too many times to deserve to live life the way I've been living. Yet I now find myself blessed with even more. It's just like that unforgettable evening not long after I first got my current job - something I knew was a gift from God. After eight hours in the office doing things that most people would consider boring, I was so consumed by the overwhelming realization of how blessed I was that I had to pull over in a random parking lot on my way home and let my uncontrollable tears do the talking for me. Of course, it has gotten much harder to keep that same enthusiasm after having gone through the same work routines on a daily basis for over nine months. Prior to this job, nobody could have pictured me committing myself to such an "ordinary" lifestyle. But I've always believed that if God is really real, it simply wouldn't make sense for Him to be a boring God. And if God really created me in His image and guides me down the road of life, then surely my life was never meant to be boring. By having faith that life is meant to be exciting, I find myself constantly surprised at just how exciting it really is.

I always say that my college years were some of the most exciting years of my life. And looking back now, I think I understand why. When I got accepted into UCLA, it was the first time in my life that I realized I had been blessed with something that I couldn't have earned on my own. In high school, I wasn't an athlete or club president, and my grades were far below the school average. Oh, and I was a cheater who was not a stranger to the principal's office. Why, then did I, among all the people who worked harder and deserved it more than I did, get accepted into UCLA? I could only think of one answer - God. If He allowed me to get accepted despite my lack of qualifications, then surely He must have had a reason. And so I prayed a simple but life-changing prayer - "God, show me the reason you brought me here, and let Your will be done." And that's exactly what happened. I began to see God as the author of my life stories, and the more I surrendered my pen to Him, the more I discovered the great joy and excitement that life has to offer.

Of course, those stories didn't end after college, and that's probably why so many people still mistake me for a freshman when I visit my friends who are still students. I really think it's not about looking young, but rather having the adventurous, exciting, and often slightly fearful attitude that freshman year is often associated with. I include fear as a key characteristic because it's truly difficult to come to the realization of how blessed I am and not be a little intimidated. In the same way I found myself completely humbled by my undeserved acceptance into UCLA, I often look back at my post-college life up to this point and find myself struggling to wrap my mind around the idea of a perfect and holy God pouring out so many blessings on such a flawed and stubborn person.

Today, I feel like those blessings have been brought to a whole new level. The more I see how much God gives me, the more I wonder why He's so good to me. Surely there are many people who deserve to be blessed much more than I do. It would only seem right for God to take what He blesses me with and give it to those who are more faithful or those who work harder. But why me?

I'll never fully understand the mystery of God's love until I get to heaven. But there's one thing I know for sure - "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows" (James 1:17). If I had to come up with a way to explain why I think God blesses me so much, it would be that I praise Him for the blessings I receive. Whether it's a good meal with a friend, a successful concert, or a smooth day at work, I strive to always remember that all the good things in my life are gifts from God. Sure, I can go out and celebrate and enjoy being happy, and that's definitely not a bad thing. But even when I throw parties, what I'm celebrating is not the fact that I'm living a good life, but rather the knowledge that I'm blessed by God and that those blessings give me a deeper glimpse of His unending love.

I'm constantly amazed at just how far God would go to care for His children. Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in my daily checklist of prayers - "God give me this, God give me that" - and start complaining when I don't get what I want, as if God were supposed to listen to my commands. But even despite my tendency to repeatedly attempt to diminish God with the limitations of my own mind, He still doesn't abandon me. He does all things for His glory and for the eternal good of His people. He doesn't just give me whatever I pray for, because He knows that many times the things I pray for aren't always what's best for me. But every once in a while, He'll jump in and surprise me with gifts so great that I know without doubt I couldn't have earned them on my own. And that's what brings me to my knees and makes the tears of irrestible joy fall from my eyes.

Right now, all I can say is that I'm overwhelmed by how amazing my life is and how blessed I am. And it's not because I've done anything to deserve it. If there's anything I've done right, it is to come to God in times of abundance and acknowledge Him as the giver of all that I've received. But even so, I'm still far from being worthy of even a fraction of what I have now. I can't help but say "thank You God, thank You God, thank You God", over and over again. It's just like those unforgettable moments during last year's Grace conference, when I would find myself saying thanks to God while sining praise songs, even though I didn't know what I was thanking Him for. Then suddenly the tears would start falling uncontrollably, interrupting my singing so that it's no longer about the music, but rather about being in the presence of God, overwhelmed, humbled, and amazed.

This is one of those moments that I just want to capture and let sink deep inside my heart so that I will remember it forever. I know that life will not always feel this great, and even though I can make a huge list of things I'm thankful for, I can probably also make a huge list of things I'm not all that thankful for. But I want to remember this moment because God never changes, and my attitude of thankfulness should not be something based on circumstances, but rather a lifestyle. God blesses me not so I can boast about things I know I didn't earn on my own, but rather so I can come once again to the realization of how infinite His love is and use what I've been blesssed with to bless others. I pray that no matter what happens in the future, I will not take these blessings for granted, but rather strive to be even more faithful, even more joyful, and even more thankful, chasing after God's will as I use these blessings for His glory.

08/16: One in a Million (Part Two)

Continuing from Saturday's adventures - I had originally told Tiffany that I would not be joining any possible late-night outings after the concert, since waking up at 5AM for C&C would leave me dead tired by the time the concert ended. But of course, all that changed at the end, and after an amazing late-night dinner, I was still able to rest well before playing piano for church on Sunday, then head straight over to UCLA for another exciting adventure.

I met up with Christine and Trinh, who kindly starved themselves waiting for me, for a late lunch at Souplantation. As ridiculous as it sounds, this was my first time going to Brentwood. But at least I got to ride in Trinh's (brother's) awesome Audi A5. Speaking of cars, after lunch I got to spend some time hanging out with an incredibly friendly Diablo owner who was at a gas station prepping his ride for Monterey. He was surprised that I actually knew quite a bit about Lambos (unlike most people who take pictures of his car simply because it looks cool with the vertically-opening doors). I had originally hoped to squeeze in a quick trip to Beverly Hills, since I hadn't been there in a few months, and there would definitely be lots of crazy rides as everybody is gearing up for Monterey. But there was no time for that, and I definitely didn't mind. Usually, I would plan my UCLA trips on Saturdays, or even arrive on Friday evenings, just to maximize the amount of time I get to spend there. But this time, I wasn't the one planning the trip. And for the very special occasion that brought me there, I would have gladly made the drive no matter what day it was.

At 5:00, the party began. A group of friends gathered in front of Royce Hall to enjoy an evening of taking pictures, walking around campus, and eating dorm food. Sure, this sounds like a typical day during my UCLA visits. But what makes this particular adventure so special is that we are not exactly in the age group associated with undergraduate college life. They, like me, are from the class of '07, and we all lived on the Hill back in the day when Rieber Vista, Rieber Terrace, and Hedrick Summit didn't exist, and a new dining facility called Bruin Cafe was still under construction. Over the years, some of the people we used to hang out with eventually lost touch and vanished. But most of us would still at least shoot each other an email or IM once in a while. And even though we don't get to see each other often, the few chances for us to meet up were never less than amazing.

Back in June, I was chatting online with Sara - our first conversation in a very long time - and decided to invite her to the summer BBQ party, knowing that she had come to previous BBQ parties before and really enjoyed them. I extended the invitation to the rest of our group of friends, several of whom I hadn't talked to in over a year. I wasn't even sure if some of them were still around SoCal or not, but I figured it was worth a try. Little did I know, though, that most of them were not only in the area, but able to attend the party, despite it being such a last-minute invitation. Sara told me the night we chatted that she would come. Emily brought Ann(ie), and Kitty brought Paul. I didn't have Rosanna's contact information, since we had only talked a couple times before, but upon realizing she also lives in Walnut and knew all of us, we gave her a call during the party, and she came to join the fun too.

The problem with the BBQ party was that, with so many people, I didn't get to spend all that much time with everybody who was there. But that evening as we talked and thought about all the great times we had together as college students, a new idea was conceived - we should all meet up again for a little reunion at the very place where we first met, and eat the food that played a crucial role in giving us opportunities to spend time together as students and nurture our friendships. This wasn't the first time such an idea crossed my mind, but most people I know simply aren't as easily excited by something as seemingly unattractive as dorm food (even if it's supposedly the second best dorm food in the nation). Still, the moment we realized our common desire for such a gathering, we were eager to make it happen.

What surprised me most, though, is that in the end it actually happened. My various post-college friends have tried so many times to organize gatherings, only to end up disappointed from receiving less-than-enthusiastic responses. Many attempts at planning reunions or fun gatherings have failed because people simply stopped responding to the emails. I believe that deep inside we all wanted to hang out. But people were simply too lazy to contribute to the group effort to turn the dreams into reality. This time, things were different. Over the next month or so, we decided on a day and time, confirmed that all of us - at least all of us who were at the BBQ - would actually be able to make it, and worked out little details like where on campus to meet, what to do (besides eat), and even what to wear. As one who has been visiting UCLA regularly since graduation, I took the initiative to do a little research on exactly how to get us into the dining halls now that our BruinCards have all been deactivated. It's definitely quite a bit pricier, but that didn't stop any of us.

At last, the long-awaited day came. We all met in front of Royce as planned, most of us wearing blue & gold. Emily even prepared pre-printed "UCLA" letters to use as props. After all, most of the people there probably already thought we were a bunch of overexcited incoming freshmen. After an impromptu photo shoot (including numerous failed attempts at taking jumping pictures in the grass), it was time for dinner. Kitty, Paul, and I hiked up the hill while the rest of them lazy bums decided to drive (since they only paid for one hour of parking and had to move their cars anyway). Of course, the pedestrians arrived first. We even had enough time to swing by Courtside to snap a quick picture of Kitty in front of her old dorm room.

Then, like little kids on a field trip, we lined up one by one in front of the Sproul front desk to obtain our meal tickets before walking over to Covel Dining Hall to put those tickets to use. It's amazing how many of us forgot about having to get locker tokens to store our belongings. It's not like we were planning on stealing anything anyway. (I only took a dozen mints!) Inside the dining hall, it took us a little while to get reacquainted with where everything was located. But soon we had situated ourselves at a big table next to the windows, ready to enjoy the flavors that take us right back to the time when we first met.

Some of us concluded that dorm food doesn't taste nearly as bad as they remembered it to when forced to eat it on a daily basis. I just sat there and smiled; I never though it tasted all that bad to begin with. Even aside from the wide array of edible/drinkable concoctions I've created over the years, a part of me has always been attached to the dining halls, simply because they bring back too many wonderful memories. Before the clock struck eight, we ran around stocking up on the final servings of food before the kitchens were shut down. Thanks to Paul, who told me that the people at the dessert bar had finally decided to put out some jello, I was able to end the night with my favorite jello soda mixture. Unlike back when we were students, we were in no rush to leave to go to class or study. Besides, we actually paid to get inside, so it only made sense to stick around until we knew we couldn't eat anymore.

Then came a nice walk down the hill to the good ol' Bruin Bear. This wasn't part of our original plan, but it definitely gave us more opportunities to take pictures and time to talk. The summer nighttime weather was perfect for walking around and sitting down and chatting. And the combination of the peacefulness of the campus at night and the excitement of thousands of great memories never fails to put a huge smile on my face. I had been enjoying this magical atmosphere for years since I graduated, and now at last, I could enjoy it with friends who, like me, did not have to be there anymore, but chose to come back just to experience it again.

08/15: One in a Million (Part One)

Despite not getting very much sleep last night, I found myself constantly smiling at work throughout the day. It's just like those weeks after my Nor-Cal trip when I would spontaneously experience bursts of overwhelming joy. This past weekend has been so phenomenal that it may even take more than one entry for me to write down the million things on my mind now, depending on how much time I have to write today (and how tired I am by the time I get home from work). First, let me get one thing out of the way. I did not go to Cars & Coffee on Saturday, even though I had been waking up before sunrise for several days in preparation for the event. There was supposed to be a big surprise (an Aventador!), but for reasons I won't explain here, the car was unable to make it. Even though I was slightly disappointed when I found out (at 5:45AM on Friday morning), I was definitely relieved at the same time. After all, every minute of sleep on Saturday was precious, since I had a concert at night that I really needed to save my energy for.

That's where the story really begins. The concert was vocal instructor Jessica Chen's student recital, and while I had planned to be there to watch a few friends perform ever since I first knew about it half a year ago, little did I know that I would actually end up being a part of the program. It all started back at BSF, probably around January if I remember correctly. I met Andy, who was new to BSF and was assigned to the same small group I was in. We sat together during lecture afterwards, and I got to meet his friend Kenny, who was also checking out BSF but was in a dfiferent small group. Kenny and I bonded quite well, especially after we discovered that we were both working in the freight forwarding industry. He had been with his company a little longer than I was with mine, but still it was great to have a friend who not only understood my office life, but also sympathized with my lack of knowledge and experience. A few weeks later after BSF, I met Kenny's friend Tiffany, who was also involved in the fellowship. That's when I found out that they were both taking professional voice lessons, and somehow our conversation shifted to something we realized we all love - Phantom of the Opera. I introduced them to my pipe organ YouTube video (which has received a lot more hits than it deserves), and Tiffany mentioned that she would be singing a song from Phantom at an upcoming recital.

In the weeks and months that followed, Kenny had to leave BSF because of school obligations, and Tiffany also realized she would no longer be able to attend the fellowship after summer. But our friendships did not end there - a few opportunities to hang out and talk left me assured that we were going to be friends even without the group that first brought us together. Tiffany gave me the date of the concert, and I marked it on my calendar right away. About a month ago, she asked me to substitute for Kenny (who was playing piano for her Phantom song) at a rehearsal that he was unable to attend. I figured a casual rehearsal wouldn't hurt, so after listening to the song on YouTube a few times, I showed up the next day for what I felt was basically a one-time jam session with Tiffany and Winston (her duet partner). Winston was performing another song, and I was able to help him a little with the piano part as well. A few days later, Tiffany asked if I would be able to play both songs at the actual recital. My one concern was that I didn't want Kenny to feel like I was stealing his thunder, but after he confirmed that I would actually be doing him a favor, I agreed to do it, and waited patiently for them to let me know for sure if I would be playing at the recital so we could start scheduling rehearsal times.

Then came the craziest part of the story. I didn't get the confirmation that I was officially in the concert until later that week when I received a surprising phone call from Isaac, a friend from UCLA who I had lost touch with for at least a couple years. He asked me if I was playing piano at a vocal recital in August. Then all the pieces started coming together - apparently he was taking voice lessons with the same teacher as Tiffany and Winston, and was also part of the recital. The teacher sent an email to them adding my name to the list of piano accompanists, and Isaac saw it and decided to call me to see if it was actually me. Sure enough, he called the right guy. Not only that, but he eventually asked me to play piano for his three songs too.

Now this was definitely no casual jam session anymore. Over the years, I've become so used to playing at events like church services and hip-hop concerts that I was greatly intimidated by the idea of performing at a recital. That's why I'd much rather refer to recitals simply as concerts - they're ultimately the same thing, except the word "recital" seems to have a much more serious connotation. I definitely treated these five songs seriously though. With very little time to practice, I bugged everybody to give me their sheet music as quickly as possible, and seized every moment I had to learn the songs. A few weeks later, after many hours of practicing/panicking and a few more precious rehearsals, it was time for the big day.

Even though I had plenty of experience performing classical music on stage as a kid, I had never accompanied someone in a formal setting like this. Elizabeth can testify to the extent of my panicking - I called her last week and kept her up until 2AM (her time in NY) to give me advise on being an accompanist. And many of those tips really came in handy, both during rehearsals and at the actual recital. I must admit one thing though - a part of me really does enjoy that nerve-wrecking fear that comes before a recital. If fear comes in the right dosage, it can help people grow tremendously. In this case, it defintely forced me to get my priorities straight and practice my butt off. And I'm so glad I did, because there were some truly amazing voices at the recital, and I would hate to be the one that ruined the music.

A couple other random facts - it turned out that Jessica (the teacher) is a DMA student at, you guessed it, UCLA. That's how Isaac started taking lessons from her. And Winnie, the main pianist for the recital, is also a recent UCLA graduate. So when everybody came together before the recital, we were all able to bond quite well. Most of the other people (both performers and members of the audience) were at least a generation older than us, so us "kids" were able to keep each other company the whole time. Kenny brought up a good point afterwards - recitals like this are so much more fun when there are people in our age range! I completely agree - almost all the recitals I've been to involve either Asian parents showing off their kids' talents or college students stressing like crazy about passing their juries and actually earning money in the future. But this was different - we were first friends, then co-performers. We were all stressed and nervous, but we all wanted to do our best and perform great music, and we encouraged each other to do just that.

Sure, music plays such an important role in modern society that it's not uncommon at all for friends to sing random tunes or pick up guitars and jam together. But it's definitely not everyday that a group of friends, not to mention one that met through so many unlikely circumstances, could come together wearing suits and dresses to perform music that resulted from hours of practicing and years of developing our talents. The evening consisted of an incredibly diverse set of songs - pop songs, Broadway hits, opera music, classical arias, and much more. Even though most of us would probably admit that we could have done at least a little better, there's no need to pinpoint every little mistake, because we're already old enough to at least try to discipline ourselves to do what we need to do to improve. Looking back at the end, the only things that matter are that we are so blessed with the musical talents we have, we practiced so hard to make our performances good, and in the end we actually did it.

08/11: I'm starting to see more and more that getting out of bed unnecessarily early can actually give me more energy. In college, I never really liked the idea of waking up with nothing to look forward to other than rushing to class to listen to hours of lecturing. That's a big part of the reason I forced myself to wake up an hour earlier every morning to enjoy a nice breakfast with friends to kick off the day. And as a result, I was able to go to bed each night knowing there was something to be excited about the next day.

No, I don't consider myself a "morning person", if there's really such thing as a "morning person" or "night person" at all. I really believe it's all a matter of habit and motivation. I feel no less crazy waking up early in the morning as I do staying up late at night. But I must admit that once I overcome the temptation to snooze as long as possible, life starts to seem so much more purposeful and productive, and as a result I feel more motivated in just about everything I do.

During the week before my Nor-Cal Area Trip, I realized that I was going to have to wake up at 5AM on a Saturday morning to catch my flight, and that I would need to rest well to have enough energy to make the most out of the time I had with my friends that I rarely get a chance to see. So I started to slowly adjust my sleeping schedule, going to bed a little earlier every night and waking a little earlier every morning. When Saturday came around, waking up at 5AM felt almost natural. And as a bonus, during the week I was amazed at how many things I was able to accomplish at home before leaving to go to work. Ever since that trip, I left my alarm clock set half an hour earlier than I used to wake up, giving myself some time to kick off each day by reading devotionals or simply doing relaxing things that I enjoy. And it's amazing how big of a difference that can make during the rest of the day.

Of course, being able to experience such motivation requires great discipline - something I admit I don't have enough of when there's nothing in the immediate future to motivate me. But when I do find motivation, I seize the opportunity to grow so that in the end I not only get to enjoy something I find great pleasure in, but also grow in character. That's why I've been able to continue waking up earlier than needed ever since the Nor-Cal trip. And that's why I gladly got out of bed before sunrise this morning, knowing that there are some amazing things to look forward to in the near future.

This weekend is going to be so jam paced with exciting activities and events that forcing myself to wake up several hours earlier than usual on Saturday morning simply won't leave me with enough energy to enjoy the rest of the weekend, no matter how much caffiene I bring in the car with me. That's why I've started preparing ahead of time for jetlag. Of course, Cars & Coffee is going to jump start the morning, with a very special appearance that's making my heart beat faster just by thinking about it. All I'll say right now is that I have been dying to see this car in person ever since the moment I first saw pictures of it. Oh, and if I catch good footage, it could very likely launch my YouTube stats to stratospheric levels. After that will come a concert at night unlike any event I've performed in before. Then on Sunday, I will head over to UCLA for a visit like no other. These are all things I've looked forward to for a very long time already, and I'm even afraid that so much excitement in a single weekend might be too much for me to handle. But at least I can do my part to prepare, so that when my alarm clock wakes me up at 5AM on Saturday, I'll be full of energy and ready to face all the adventures ahead of me.

For now, I need to prevent myself from being overexcited. After all, lunch break is almost over, and it's time to head back inside the office...

08/07: Infinity

Even though I knew it was time for bed, I decided to spend a couple minutes relaxing and praying in the backyard. As I gazed at the hundreds of little lights scattered across the city, something in the corner of my eye caught my attention. In the sky behind the silhouette of the pine trees that separate my backyard from the street, a bright streak of light had formed. Then, as quickly as it came, it vanished. I stared at the sky in disbelief; this was definitely no ordinary shooting star. It was much brighter, and had a unique blue glow to it. Immediately, I sang a song of praise to God. Suddenly another streak of light caught my eye. This time, it was much smaller and less noticeable, and I began to wonder if my mind had tricked me into thinking that there was a shooting star when in reality I was just too tired to pay attention to what I was actually seeing. But just at that moment, there came a third one, in the exact direction I was looking, bright and clear enough that I knew without doubt it was real, and that the first two were real too.

Shooting stars have always held a very special place in my heart. I remember going to Catalina Island one summer while I was in college. A few friends and I were talking about shooting stars, and I realized I was the only one there who had never seen one before. That night, I wandered out to the beach by myself and found a spot to lie down and gaze at the sky. Several other campers were scattered across the campsite doing the same thing, but we couldn't see each other at all, since it was late at night and the whole campsite was pitch black. As we laid quietly enjoying the sounds of the ocean waves crashing against the rocks, suddenly the entire sky was lit up by a streak of light so big and so beautiful that everyone gasped in amazement. To this day, everyone I talk to who was there that night says they have never seen anything else like it. The speed, size, and brightness of that shooting star left us all with a little bit of fear in our hearts. Who is this God that creates such wonders? Surely, such a beautiful sight must not be a mere accident.

It wasn't until last year, during a meteor shower, that I discovered that I could see shooting stars from my own backyard too. Sure, the stars aren't nearly as bright here as they are on the island. But still, what a great blessing it is to be able to witness such beauty in the comfort of my own home? This summer, I've come to realize more and more that there is so much in my life that I've taken for granted. Sure, I always clean up the backyard and host annual barbecue parties to put the space to good use. But what about all those other days of the year? If God has blessed my family with a home that comes with a spacious yard, what excuse do I have to not actually enjoy it?

In these past several weeks, I've been spending time in the backyard just about every night. Sometimes, I pray to God or sing songs of praise. Sometimes, I enjoy phone conversations with friends. And sometimes, I just stand still, thinking about life and reflecting on how much I've been blessed with. I admit that in these past couple months, I haven't been as strong in my walk with God as I want to be, partly due to the lack of a healthy community to walk beside me and partly due to my own lack of wisdom in prioritizing things in my life. But that means that those moments I spent in the backyard each night make an even bigger difference.

Most people consider me as a rather disciplined person. But even so, it's amazing how difficult it is for me to get things done at home when there are hundreds of distractions to waste my time on. Yet the moment I step out of the house, leaving everything else behind me, I become much more willing to stay focused. Sometimes when I pray outside, I find myself having such a good time that I'm literally talking out loud, engaging emotionally with God through my words, and sometimes laughing or crying as various thoughts fill my mind. In these moments, I am left with no doubt that God is there with me. And whenever I start to question that, all I need to do is look back up at the sky, even for just a brief moment.

Earlier tonight, shocked at the sight of three shooting stars within the same ten-minute interval, it was only natural for me to remain lying down on the bench, staring curiously at the sky. Suddenly, I came to a strange realization. Normally when I'm staring at something, it only makes sense that I can at least identify what I'm trying to stare at, whether it's a tree, a car, or a computer screen. But what exactly is this giant black canvas with little shining spots that I'm looking up at? Even a three-year-old can point up at the sky and know that there are stars up there, but how is it still so mysterious, and why am I so fascinated by it? Where does it begin, and where does it end? At that moment, there was only one word on my mind - Infinity.

It was hard for me to believe, but it was true. I was looking at infinity. I was looking at forever. I was looking at a distance so great that the only thing preventing me from seeing the end is the limitation of my own eyesight. I had tried many times to explain the concept of infinity to my pre-calculus students, and I always ended up having trouble putting my thoughts into words. Mathmaticians and scientists can come up with all kinds of brilliant ways to analyze things in the universe, but even the most intelligent people can spent their whole lives travelling in the same direction, and they will still not reach the end of the universe by the time they die. Our galaxy is only one among probably millions, and our planet is only a tiny part of our galaxy. I am only one among countless humans that have walked the earth or will do so in the future. Even if all those scientific theories of how life came into existence were real, I still find it very hard to believe that everything that made me who I am right now happened simply by chance.

The realization that the very sky that is constantly above me is something infinitely greater than what my mind can grasp leaves me no choice but to turn to God in reverence and fear. Who but God alone can actually grasp infinity? Who but God alone has existed since the very beginning of time, and has full control over this universe that is so much bigger than what any human can even imagine? I have been going to church regularly since I was very young, and throughout my life I have witnessed many miracles. But even so, it shocks me to realize that the God I have prayed to every night is truly limitless in power. I've sang countless songs at church about His love being higher than the heavens and reaching beyond the stars in the sky, but I will never fully understand just how great He really is until the day I see Him face to face. For now, all I can do is give Him glory through being amazed and humbled by the little I can comprehend of His greatness.

And by humbling myself and acknowledging His greatness, I came to an even greater realization. The God of infinity - He who created the heavens and put each star in its place - is the same God who created me! Not only so, but He cares for each and every individual, even though there are billions of people in this world. How amazing is that? A friend recently emailed me after a scenic camping trip, sharing a similar experience - "Imagine how long it takes for water to form rock into the cave formations (at least a thousand years to form one inch) and some of the cave formations were huge! I think the best way to show this is if God can offer such patience toward a giant rock, imagine the level of patience he has for each of us. It really blew my mind when I thought of it that way."

It really blows my mind too. Who am I, compared to the millions of stars in the sky and all the natural wonders in this world? Who am I, that among billions of people on earth, such a wonderful life has been given to me? Who am I, that the God who is bigger than even all of those millions of stars would bother to care for me as an individual and orchestrate my life according to His plan? Each of those twinkling stars, not to mention the shooting stars, remind me of an important truth that is so easily forgotten in the busyness and struggles of everyday life. I'm beautiful - not because I deserve to be, and not because I've earned it on my own, but because the beautiful God created mankind in His own image. Sure, I always sin, make mistakes, and fail to come anywhere close to God's perfect and holy standards. But if God really created me in His image, then surely I am no less valuable to Him than all of the beautiful things He created that were made with such inticate detail. In fact, humans are so valuable to Him that He sent His son to live a perfect life and die a most humiliating, painful, and undeserved death, so that I can run to His embrace with knowledge of my true identity as a believer - a child of God! What more can I possibly ask for?

Of course, each time I see a shooting star, it's only natural for me to make a wish. For thousands of years, people of various cultures have worshipped the stars and wished upon them, because they bring about a sense of humility - a realization that there's something out there that's much bigger and more powerful than ourselves. I'm glad to say that I have come to believe in the God who designed and created the universe, and because of that, I know that my wishes are so much more than just wishful thinking. God answers prayer, and when I make a wish, I can do so with faith, knowing that God hears every one of my prayers even before I say them out loud. Either He will answer with a "yes", or He will stop me from getting exactly what I want only because He has something better in store for me. After all, if God is real, He should know my life and have control over it much better than I do.

I cared about my busy schedule and my precious sleep more than I cared about God, and decided to go outside to the backyard to give Him just a couple minutes of my time before going to bed, probably only because deep inside I would feel guilty if I gave Him absolutely nothing. God knew my sins, my flaws, and my lack of commitment to Him. He could have chosen to abandon or punish me, or at the very least just ignore me for one night. After all, inifinity minus one would still be infinity, and one missing star in an infinitely big sky would probably not make a difference at all. But still, He seized those very couple minutes to capture my attention with a glimpse of beauty so great that I was willing to spend all night just lying there on the bench, staring at the sky in amazement, humbled by His glory and eager to give Him unending praise.

Alone with God in the silence of the night, I sang a song of worship to Him that sums up all my feelings at the moment -

"Lord it was You who created the heavens. Lord it was Your hand that put the stars in their place. Lord it is Your voice that commands the morning. Even oceans and their waves bow at your feet. Lord who am I compared to Your glory, oh Lord? Lord who am I compared to Your majesty? I am Your beloved, Your creation, and You love me as I am. You have called me chosen for Your kingdom, unashamed to call me Your own. I am Your beloved. I am Your beloved. I am Your beloved..."

08/03: Parking Lot Wars

The weather is becoming increasingly (and often uncomfortably) warm, and every day during that precious hour known as lunch break, a new battle is fought. Since it's way too hot to take walks, I now spend my breaks sitting in the car reading, writing, talking on the phone, or taking a nap. And there are many other people who want to enjoy their breaks the same way. But that's where the problem begins.

You see, despite having such a big parking lot in our office plaza, there are only a handful of parking spaces that actually have shade, thanks to those gardeners who regularly go around the block giving haircuts to all the trees. And on days like this when it's sunny and hot but also a little windy, parking in a shaded spot can easily make the difference between comfortable and unbearable.

The other problem with this parking lot is that almost all the shaded spots are the ones farthest from the buildings. With the economy leaving so many offices empty, there are always much fewer cars than spaces, and nobody in the right mind would choose to park in the farthest spots. (I usually park somewhere in the middle - far enough so no idiots would accidentally scratch or hit my car, but close enough that it's not too long of a walk). When lunch break comes around, however, it's a whole different story. The typically empty spaces suddenly become the ones in highest demand, and it all comes down to a matter of who claims them first.

Actually, there's only one spot on the side of the plaza where my building is that's fully covered by shade at noontime. The rest of them are only partially covered, and the only way to maximize the shade there is to park sideways (illegally) over multiple spaces. I've seen several people do that before, but I prefer not to be a jerk. After all, most of the people here see each other walk in and out of the building regularly, and I don't want to start any beef with them.

But some battles must be fought, and regardless of whether you win or lose, you just have to man up to the truth. Sure, there are a few other well-shaded parking spots scattered across other parts of the big lot. I used to begin my adventure every day by taking a couple minutes to circle the lot and weigh my options before selecting a spot. But there was one time last week when I decided to do that despite already noticing that the "ideal spot" near my building was open, only to discover not only that all of those other nice spaces were occupied already, but also that the one I had originally found had just been taken while I was exploring. From then on, I stopped exploring and simply started taking whatever I could find, since the number of people desiring to find shaded spots will only increase as the weather continues to get warmer.

But even that wasn't good enough. A few days ago, I spotted that ideal, fully shaded spot, sitting uninhabited, and got in my car to make the 15-second drive there. I arrived only to find a minivan parked there with its engine still on. Where the heck did it come from!? I swear, it must have fallen from the sky, or teleported to that spot, as if its owner was intentionally trying to smite me. I chose a nearby spot and observed his actions - perhaps he was only stopping to drop off some mail (since the FedEx box was just a couple feet away), or maybe have a quick smoke. But no, this dude switched off his engine, got off the car, and walked away to the plaza across the street. Now that was too much - why couldn't he at least go pick on someone in his own plaza!? With no better option, I settled for a parking space that was only partly covered by shade. And at the end, I still found the heat so unbearable that I decided to leave and return to the building early. What a sad lunch break. But of course, I learned some important lessons that day. And that's why today I get to spend lunch break sitting right here in my car enjoying my little moment of victory.

Just minutes ago, after eating an incredibly fast lunch, I rushed outside and made that 15-second drive to the perfect spot. I made the wise decision to approach the spot from the direction in which it would be on my right hand side. After all, every second counts, and cars turning right have the right of way. Sure enough, a dude in a BMW was approaching the same spot from the opposite direction. But he didn't have the right of way. And as a result, he is now sadly parked at the other end of this row of spaces, where the trees only cover half his car. In addition, right now there's a pickup truck that is illegally parked sideways over three spaces, with its front facing my car just a couple feet away. I feel like he's a little too close to my personal vehicular bubble. But he's already asleep in his car, so it doesn't matter. Besides, he was parked like that next to me yesterday too, since it's the only way to get enough shade. Maybe if we do this long enough, I'll go introduce myself to him one day, and we'll become best friends.

Oh, the joy of office life. No matter how professional we act, look, or sound, in the end we're all only human, prone to giving in to childish desires, and prone to fighting these unspoken but viscious little battles over the dumbest things. The people in the cars around me are probably thinking about what a jerk I am for sitting so comfortably in the shade while watching them suffer. That would explain why the pickup truck next to me is parked so close to me despite having plenty of space to move back. But hey, what can they do about it? If this were one of the many Asian supermarket plazas around this area, people would be using cones, shopping carts, and all kinds of other objects to save their favorite spaces. Some may even display a middle finger or shout out a couple four-letter expletives. But none of that is going to happen here. This is a business plaza, a professional setting occupied by people who are supposed to be cultured and educated. Yes, we will fight our battles, but there will be limits. And that's why the only rule of the game is that the early bird gets the worm. I didn't chow down my lunch so quickly and run outside for nothing, and now that I'm parked in the best spot, everyone else just has to deal with it. Maybe if they approach me nicely and bribe me with something valuable like, say, a huge wad of cash, or a drink from Half & Half, I'll consider surrendering my spot. Otherwise, I ain't goin' nowhere. After all, they'll have another shot at winning the battle tomorrow, and perhaps they'll have better luck then.

08/01: Not too long ago, I had a great conversation with a friend who had been trying to make me a customer of the company she works at. We have been friends for over eight years, and something about this most recent turn in the direction of our friendship simply didn't feel right. I was able to share my honest feelings with her, and it seems only right that I write those feelings down, since they reflect so much of my beliefs regarding friendships.

I believe that business and friendship simply shouldn't mix, at least not with the kind of friendships I strive to achieve. Yes, I believe co-workers and business-related acquaintances can become friends, and I truly value those times when my co-workers and I get to enjoy meals together and casually bond without stressing about things in the office. But even so, such friendships are not much different from those with people I meet through car spotting, or people I talk to frequently simply because we attend the same church or school. In other words, the foundation of our friendship is an external factor - one that may or may not always be an integral part of our lives. I really value these people, but I won't deny that their friendships do not mean nearly as much to me as those in which people value me for who I am rather than where I go or what I do.

Of course, it doesn't have to be that way. With genuine effort, even the most unlikely situations can bring about a lasting friendship. But with friendships held together by external things, it's a lot more difficult, since there are too many factors that make effort appear redundant or even silly. And when it comes to people who I consider my friends regardless of circumstances, the last thing I want is to let any external factors get inbetween our friendship.

Sure, money and business are definitely not bad things. But they can open the door for people to easily lose sight of what matters most, and I know how much even the slightest amount of ulterior motives can altar the dynamic of a friendship. I remember back in high school, I would often find things online that I wanted to buy and send an email to a bunch of people I know extending the offer to them. The reason? So I would only have to pay part of the shipping & handling charge. Honestly, even though I appeared friendly and really believed I was actually doing people a huge favor, in the end that huge favor was for myself, and my "friends" were only tools to help me obtain what I really wanted. My intention wasn't to hurt or abuse our friendships, but at that moment I was simply too caught up with trying to save a couple bucks and do a little business to care about anything else.

It's no surprise that as we get older and more independent, our desire for wealth, stability, and success naturally increases, especially upon the realization that someday just about all of us will have a spouse, kids, and elderly parents to take care of. And even the most non-materialistic people will admit that financial stability plays an important (if not crucial) role in supporting a family. That's one of the strongest (and, to me, most impactful) points made by my friend to show how her business can be beneficial to me. And I admit I completely agree with her. In fact, I'd like to believe that regardless of what kind of benefits she can receive from bringing a new client to her company, much of her advertising to me was done with good intentions. But I also believe her way isn't the only right way, and having spent much time with people from the car forums who own helicopters, yachts, and all kinds of other stuff that ordinary people can only dream of having, it's safe to say that I'm not a complete stranger to the knowledge of where money comes from. Yes, I would like to be successful in business, make lots of money, drive an expensive car, live in a mansion, and enjoy a comfortable and luxurious life. But there are far too many things in life that I want, and with only one lifetime to obtain them all, I must only pick and choose the most important ones.

As I talked with my friend on the phone, I honestly admitted that I would rather have no money and be forced to live on the streets than let money - even thousands of dollars - get in the way of something more valuable than what all the money in the world can buy. It all boils down to a matter of priorities and values. I want to make investments, but not if it interferes with even more valuable investments. There are many ways I can seek financial success without risking compromising friendships, and I would be more than happy to pursue those things. But I would rather not directly involve my friend, her company, or anything that tempts a heartfelt friendship to shift its roots elsewhere.

I am thankful for the job I have now and will do my best to continue to work hard and earn money, knowing that doing so is important both for myself and for my family. And I look forward to becoming more financially stable in the future, even to a point where I'm wealthier than most of the people around me. I also look forward to seeing my friend continue to work hard and become increasingly successful in her job. But business and money should only serve to achieve greater purposes, and I will not let them become my sole purpose and blind me from more important things. By explaining these things to my friend, I believe that I was doing a big favor for both of us, not to mention for our friendship. And the best part of it all is that after we talked things through, it seems as if our friendship actually became stronger. I wish and pray that our honest conversation will help us remember to cherish the very heart of our friendship, and not let anything in this world get in the way of it.

07/31: Epic, just epic. I've been wanting to go to Cars & Coffee again for the longest time, but chose to wait until yesterday, since I could also catch another party immediately afterwards - the Open House event at Hennessey Performance's new Lake Forest facility, about 10 minutes away from C&C. When Hennessey's name is mentioned, most of us immediately think of Vipers - and the name "Venom". After all, most tuners are more or less tied to and associated with specific cars or brands. But every once in a while, a tuner gives itself a challenge to not just shove new engines, accessories, and bodykits on existing cars, but rather build something truly original. Shelby did it with the Series 1, and Saleen did it with the S7. And now, it's finally Hennessey's turn. Ladies and gentlemen, the Hennessey Venom GT.

07/26: I enjoyed a very memorable phone conversation last night with a friend that left me with a thousand things to think about. We have been very good friends since we were both in high school, and even after so many years, we still see each other frequently and know each other better than most other people do. While last night's conversation was one of those talks that I was willing to stay up all night for, I found myself feeing a little disturbed afterwards upon realizing that it was the most interesting and meaningful conversation we've had in years. Sure, the conversation in and of itself was wonderful. But why did it have to wait this long?

I've noticed that many times I feel more inclined to spend time with friends I haven't seen in a long time than I do to hang out with friends I always get to see. Yes, getting back in touch with old friends is always something special. But as someone who strongly advocates quality, long-term friendships to a point where people sometimes think I'm insane, it's hard for me to accept my inclination without a good reason.

When spending time with someone I haven't talked to in a long time, it's only natural for us to ask each other what's new and desire to know what's happening in each other's lives, strengthening our friendship as a result. But with people I've known and been good friends with for a long time, we're much more likely to simply assume we already know each other well and stop feeling the need for activities and conversations that that point our friendships in the right direction. Our conversations and hangouts begin to lose that sense of purpose that attracts me to them. To sum it up, we've become too comfortable, and as a result, we've lost sight of the things I feel are most important in a quality friendship.

I won't be surprised if people think I'm being too analytical about something that's not meant to be so structured. Yes, friendships are supposed to be fun, exciting, and often spontaneous. But that doesn't mean that no effort is required. Take, for example, a dating relationship, or even a marriage. Many studies have shown that one of the leading causes of failure for otherwise healthy relationships is the lack of effort - once a man and woman actually "belong" to each other, they often stop feeling the need for romantic dinners, fun activities, and quality conversations, and in the end they wonder why their relationship is failing to satisfy them the way it used to when it actually took effort to make it work. Or consider why so many successful businesses end up closing their doors after years of being on top of the market. It's fun being on top, but many business leaders are too busy swimming in success to remain focused, and as a result there is plenty of room for new, hard-working competitors to catch up and defeat them. Making anything last over a long period of time and maintain its quality requires effort, and friendship is no exception.

Last night, I confirmed my suspicion that some of our mutual friends have more or less given up on inviting me to hang out with them, since I'm almost always super busy. At least that's the impression I often give people. Yes, I'm always busy, but it's only because I'm so eager to live my life to the fullest by making the most out of it. I'm not a workaholic, and I value rest and fun no less than I value hard work. And those who really know me know that a lot of my "busyness" involves things that don't need to be done within a specific timeframe, and that I'm always willing to set those things aside to spend quality time with people. Okay, fine, I lied - occasionally I find myself too caught up in my habitual busyness to care about relationships the way I should. But I'm always eager to grow, and when I set standards for myself, I want to do my best to reach them. There are few things in this world that mean more to me than quality friendships, and it is my goal and my dream to prevent selfishness, laziness, and "busyness" from getting inbetween my friends and me.

What these friends see, however, is only the surface. That's the problem with being too comfortable with each other - we make so many assumptions based on what we know from the past, without making an effort to see what's really happening now. We joke around without considering if it offends anyone. We push each other's boundaries without thinking twice. We assume everything's okay, but it doesn't take a genius to see that there's a problem. They think I'm too busy to hang out with them, but in reality, it's because sometimes these hangouts really don't interest me the way they used to, due to their lack of purpose. Again, maybe some people will think I'm being too analytical. But I really believe that every opportunity to spend time with people should have some sort of underlying goal or direction, whether it's trying a new restaurant, enjoying a romantic date, catching up with an old friend, or facilitating a deep conversation. There's a huge difference between getting a group of friends together because there's nothing better to do and getting the same group together to strengthen those friendships. Sometimes, the goal is just to have fun for the sake of having fun, and that's definitely not a bad thing. But there are countless ways for me to have fun, and I simply don't feel inclined to lay aside other important things in my life to have fun with people who always seem to crave more fun but rarely see me beyond what's on the surface. Yes, I believe having fun can serve as an excellent icebreaker and allow quality friendships to form. But in this case, we've reached the point where it's only producing the opposite effect.

Even during last year's Time of Change, in which I suddenly transitioned from hanging out with these friends at least once a week to barely interacting with them for several months, they never said a word, and to this day, they still have no idea about it. Of course, the purpose of the Time of Change was never to make people notice me. But I'm truly bothered by the fact that while many of my friends that live far away and only talk to me once every few months know about the things on my heart, some of my friends that I hang out with at least once a week don't know a thing. I've known these friends and cared about them for so long already, and I'm so broken by the increasing gap between the number of times we see each other to have fun and the actual quality of our friendships that the hangouts they invite me to seem nothing but stale to me.

Honestly, if any one of these friends had decided to call me one day to find a time to meet up, grab a meal or drink together, and just talk for the heck of it, I would have done whatever I could to make it happen. But no, such meetings only take place when they need some kind of favor from me. Other than that, it's always quantity over quality. They always ask me to come do this and go do that, and they wonder why I'm rarely there. But what they don't realize is that the only thing I really want to do is take off our masks let our friendships reach their full potentials.

With all that said, it's time to point the finger at myself. I'm not at all trying to suggest that I've done my part perfectly, and that the blame is all on them. As I thought about all these things, I asked myself over and over again, "why didn't you actually do something about this problem rather than sit back and wait for your friends to take action first?" There's a lot I could have done that I didn't do, and if I did what I should have done, then maybe our friendships won't be as stale as they are now. But the problem is that I'm too weak. I'm too scared. I was once a desperate high school student who would compromise just about everything for the sake of social acceptance, having spent much of my childhood in solitude. And even though I've long moved on from that stage, deep inside I still have a great fear of rejection.

I have several friends who always try to plan meaningful gatherings to bring our old friends together and cultivate new friendships, and one of these days I really need to let them know just how much I admire them. Even after being rejected time after time, they still keep trying, because they know it's worth it. I wish I could have the same courage, and many times I find myself at the brink of tears over my inabilitiy to overcome my own fears despite claiming to care so much about my friends and be willing to make effort to love them. Yes, I've grown tremendously in this area over the years. But even so, a lot of my biggest weaknesses are still so prominent. And that makes me believe more and more that overcoming them will require more than just myself.

Friends are supposed to help each other grow in one way or another. Friends are supposed to comfort each other in times of sadness and support each other in times of weakness. But how is that possible if the friends I see most often neither know my struggles nor acknowledge my weaknesses? Let me be honest - when it comes to people who think of me as a "close friend", or even a "best friend", I'm tired of them letting me feel like I'm perfect when we all know I'm not. I'm sick of spending so much time with people who don't push me forward, but rather slow me down. I need someone who sees my heart, knows my strengths and weaknesses, and is not afraid to be honest with me when I mess up. I need someone who has expectations of me that are no less than my expectations for them, not so we can judge each other, but so we can help each other grow. God created humans in such a way that we depend on the strength of others to grow, and there are countless examples in the Bible showing that while God could have done miracles on His own, He chose to do them through other people. We were not meant to face the challenges of life alone.

Theoretically, I know exactly what I want to do for my friends. But how can I give them something that hasn't first been given to me? Over the years, I've lost my father to cancer, witnessed the fall of many church counselors, worked under leaders who left me empty, and struggled to find someone to consider a tangible role model. I've climbed as far as I could, and now, more than ever before, I need someone - someone who is stronger than me, crazier than me, and lives a life that inspires me - to take my hand and pull me up to where I want to be. We will acknowledge our weaknesses and mistakes, and always strive to push forward, knowing that our lives are not accidents and that we must do our best to make the most out of what God has given us. This is the kind of person I want to consider a "close friend" or "best friend", because only then can I find the courage and strength to love the people God placed in my life the way I want to.

Even as my heart aches over these things, I can't help but smile at least a little. Because through last night's conversation, a very good friend and I have finally come back to a point where, for the first time in years, I can truly consider him as close of a friend as we claim to be. Sure, it was because he's had a very rough week and needed someone to talk to. But still, those struggles brought about a need to put in a little effort to reach the heart, and that little effort made all the difference. It's unbelieveably rare that I can have a conversation with someone I'm so comfortable with and feel as excited and blessed as I would after a conversation with someone I haven't talked to in a long time. But I must not blame anyone, because I too have a lot to learn. And there's no better way to learn and grow in friendships than to actually engage with a friend who strives to achieve the same goal. Last night, an old and fading friendship was given a fresh breath of life. It doesn't matter if we talk on the phone, in person, or even online. The point is that we reached each other's hearts, were blessed by each other's words, and were left assured that our friendship had become stronger. And if things continue this way, then our friendship would finally have that desperately needed sense of purpose and direction again.

As for our group of mutual friends, there are probably going to be some rough roads to take before we can reach the point that I'd like us to be at. Even though things don't appear too hopeful, I haven't completely given up. I may have given up to the point where I stopped trying very hard, but when it comes to friendships, I don't think I can ever give up one hundred percent, because we're all human, and there's always room for change. I don't know where the friendships among our group will lead us in the future, but what I do know now is that one friend and I have just become a thousand times closer than we were just days ago, and with that in mind, I have more reasons than ever before to not lose hope, but rather to keep wishing, keep praying, and keep trying my best, knowing that God is the one who orchestrates each and every friendship, and that if I do my part, He will take care of the rest.

07/23: At last, I've accomplished something that I had been wanting to do for a very long time. For the first time in four months, the pictures section has been updated! To be honest, these pictures were ready for uploading a long time ago, except my perfectionist side got the best of me, and I kept telling myself to wait in case I wanted to change any of the captions. Tonight, I promised myself I wouldn't go to sleep until they were all online. I guess that's enough motivation to make me take action.

I have to say, though, that this is a very special group of pictures. I've always loved pictures because they capture memories in a way different from what words can do, and many times when I organize pictures to post online, I feel as if I've just relived those adventures all over again. But even so, there have been very few picture sets that, like these most recent ones, have moved me to tears repeatedly when I was editing them. Each time I sat down to work on them, I felt the urge to stop and go outside to relax, sing a few songs, dwell in feelings of overwhelming joy, and praise God for all that He has done. This particular group of picture sets covers three events that I consider to be the most exciting, influential, and life-changing events in my recent past - Bible Study Fellowship (BSF), Grace 2010, and the Nor-Cal area trip.

The process of posting these pictures involved several difficult decisions. First, how would I organize the Grace 2010 pictures in a way that could fully capture both my role as a member of the Clay Music worship band for the Chinese-speaking conference and my unexpected involvement with the English-speaking conference (12/30/2010 entry)? After much struggling, I concluded that the only way to do so was to split the event into two separate picture sets, one as a Clay Music event (under the "concerts" category), and one under "retreats". Previously, the "retreats" section had been used only for retreats with the church I grew up in. But we haven't had any retreats like the ones I grew up with for over three years, and at the Grace conference I had no doubt that God had brought me there to surprise me with His love by letting me worship Him in a way I had not experienced since the last retreat I went on three years ago.

Second, with BSF playing such an important role in my walk with God in this past "schoolyear" (05/10/2011 entry), should I really file the pictures under the "miscellaneous" category? I realized as my life changes over time, some of the ways these categories are defined must also change. Just like the "retreats" category, the "church events" category has always been previously assumed to consist of only UCC/GCCI activities. But "church" and "fellowship" can (and should) refer to much more than just my church/fellowship. After all, just as it is important for church members to have healthy relationships with one another, it is also important for different churches and fellowships to have healthy relationships with each other. So I've expanded the meaning of that category to include all activities and events organized by church- or fellowship-associated groups. And there is no doubt that BSF, which has served as more or less of a church to me in many ways, fits perfectly in that category.

As for the Nor-Cal area trip, those pictures remain under the "miscellaneous" category, but that's not at all to say that they are in any way insignificant or unimportant. I've learned that not everything in life can be clearly categorized, and sometimes things happen that are unlike anything that happened before. Maybe someday when I've gone on enough longer-distance area trips or vacations, I'll make a special category for them. But for now, this remains a unique adventure, a journey that took me out of my comfort zone and greatly expanded my outlook on life, especially regarding friendships (05/29/2011 entry). This journey was a celebration of friendships that have outgrown the "college" category and matured into a world in which things really aren't as easy to categorize as they used to be. And I believe that true friendship is something that was never meant to be categorized, because no matter what phase of life I'm going through or what aspect of my life I'm focusing on, friends will always be friends.

It's been an amazing adventure looking through and organizing all of these pictures, bringing me back closer than I ever thought was possible to the past, with every hello, every goodbye, and everything inbetween. I recently got to show some friends pictures of us from almost six years ago that have been here on this site since then, and it served as an excellent reminder to me of how wonderful it is to preserve memories so I can look back at them in the future, not only to remember good times, but also to be encouraged to keep moving forward. There's really nothing like the joy of being able to look back at memorable times and know that, even though I can't actually go back and re-live the past, I've done my best to make the most out of the time I've been blessed with. This latest group of pictures will undoubtedly serve the same purpose, and as I rejoice in each of these three incredible adventures, being reminded over and over again of just how blessed I am, I eagerly look forward to letting God continue to write each of these stories according to His will over the course of time.

07/21: I should totally be sleeping right now. But then again, I'll probably be unable to fall asleep because there's so much music stuck in my head. That's what happens every time after I play for a concert. But I'm not complaining. Tonight the G-Vo band got to perform at a conference at Chapmen University. Even though it ran quite late, the energy and enthusiasm in the audience was incredible. I'm definitely not a people-pleaser type of guy, but I have to admit that when it comes to this kind of music, when I'm on stage in front of an audience that's having a good time, the dynamic really makes a difference. Of course, that's probably because I was already so tired by the time the show started that I didn't have the energy to be nervous. (Yes, I get nervous a lot, even when playing rap music, which is pretty much just four chords repeated a trillion times). So it was basically an organized jam session that happened to have an audience, and we all had a lot of fun making it happen.

I had the weirdest feeling in the evening before the concert started - I was walking arnoud the unfamiliar campus by myself getting ready to perform, then suddenly realized that it's a Thursday night and I still have work tomorrow morning. I treat my job seriously and always try to rest well every night, and for that I've had to sacrifice many things - late-night hangouts with friends, a few big nighttime car meets, and much more. But I've realized that some things are simply too precious to say no to, such as the many memorable phone conversations with people I love that kept me up way past my bedtime. Tonight, I realized that music undoubtedly belongs on that list too. Sure, much of my life now seems to revolve around my office job, and I definitely don't think it's a bad thing. But I can't forget that I'm also a musician. Not only that, but I'm a musician who has received a clear and unquestionable calling from God to use what He has blessed me with for His glory. The point isn't whether or not music is my job or my primary time commitment, but rather that I love it, am gifted in it, and can use it to bless others. Something about making music, whether at home or on stage, really makes me feel, um, alive. It's not just an emotional high either - when I engage everything I am in making music, something deep inside tells me I'm doing exactly what I should be doing. And as long as I have enough energy to focus on work tomorrow and not make stupid mistakes, I'm willing to stay up as long as possible to let that passionate, creative, worshipful joy manifest itself in me.

Actually, I've been staying up this late almost every day this past week or so, and it's all for music-related reasons. A little over a week ago, I suddenly found myself greatly inspired to start a project that revives an old hobby that I haven't touched in at least two or three years - techno remixing. I've always been fascinated by how a single song can be expressed in so many different ways, and since discovering the self-taught hobby back in high school, I've made over a dozen remixes, ending somewhere in the middle of my college years. I guess after majoring in music, I figured it was best to just create my own stuff rather than mess with other people's. But remixing is definitely an art of its own. I'm not gonna describe all the details here, but all I'll say is that it has been occupying just about all my free time for almost a whole week, and throughout the process of creating and editing, I gained a great amount of valuable knowledge and skills. That's the best thing about these projects - even though they pretty much suck the life out of me, I always end up feeling like I've grown so much. And no matter how much experience I have with various styles of music, there's always room to grow some more.

All right, now that the effects of the cup of coffee I treated myself to before the concert should have pretty much worn off already, it's time to take a quick shower and hop in bed. Then, tomorrow morning when I wake up, I'll suddenly be an office employee again, sitting in front of a computer for eight hours. And then it will be the weekend - time for more music, more good times with friends, and more ways to celebrate this amazing life that God has blessed me with.

07/17: Carmageddon Entry #2

I just got home from lunch after church, and decided to get the latest update from SigAlert regarding the potential doomsday in LA. Sure, yesterday was a surprisingly peaceful day, but there have been plenty of warnings that if everyone started thinking that this whole Carmageddon thing was overrated and decided to go out and play today, the situation could turn out even worse than originally expected. I went on SigAlert with no idea what to expect. To my great surprise, the entire stretch of the 405 that was shut down was glowing in green. A quick search of the latest news articles confirmed the truth - the freeway has already been reopened!

I don't even know how to begin describing how amazed I am. I still remember when I first started going to UCLA, there was a major construction project happening nearby, with a big banner hanging in front stating when the new building would be opened. That deadline passed, and rather than finishing the project, the workers put up a new banner with the completion date pushed forward by over a year. A year passed by, and the same thing happened again. Then, to make life easier for everybody, they changed the sign to simply say "coming soon". This was just one of many experiences throughout my years at UCLA that made me believe that "construction" and "delays' are synonymous. And that explains why I'm so shocked right now. The 405 freeway isn't supposed to reopen until tomorrow morning, and everyone is already prepared to expect the worst. But miraculously, things are already back to normal now, meaning the construction project not only finished on time, but was completed well ahead of time. That's definitely quite an accomplishment, and I applaud the construction crew for making it happen.

One guy I know in the LA area decided yesterday afternoon that since there were no cars on the road, it would be nice to relax at the beach for a while. He took a picture and posted it online - there were no people. As in, the whole beach was practically empty - on a sunny Saturday afternoon! Many felt that the streets in LA were quieter yesterday than they've ever been before. It was definitely a historic event, a chance to see one of America's busiest cities in a way no one thought was possible. We all expected an apocalypse, but instead, we were blessed with great peace. Sure, it caused some inconveniences for a lot of people (if it weren't for the freeway closure, I would have planned a trip to UCLA and Beverly Hills yesterday). But the more I think about it, the more I believe that the outcome has taught us all an important lesson.

We can actually survive for a weekend without our cars. As crazy as it sounds, it's true. As a car lover myself, I'm the kind of person that enjoys going on random casual drives even without an actual destination - a behavior that many would think only serves to make traffic jams even worse. But even so, I believe there's an incredible joy found in slowing things down and relaxing that fewer and fewer people living in big cities today are able to experience. Sure, a lot of times I'm in a big hurry getting from place to place, enjoying one activity after another. But the times I feel most content are those in which I take a deep breath, leave my busyness and worries behind, and just reflect on how amazing life really is. And that's what thousands of people in LA were able to experience this weekend, perhaps for the first time ever. Even as we all return to our activity-filled, fast-paced daily lives, I hope Carmageddon will always serve as a reminder that there's so much more to life than our busy daily routines.

Of course, there are a few lucky LA residents who won't be associating Carmageddon with any sort of peace or relaxation, since they still have a lot of things to sort out with law enforcement officials. I was on SigAlert yesterday evening and saw this-

07/16: The time has finally come. As county supervisor Jake Yarboy wisely advised, “the best alternative route is to totally avoid the 405 area, completely avoid it, don’t come anywhere near it, don’t even think about coming to it. Stay the heck out of here.” Carmageddon is here - 10 miles of one of LA's busiest freeways have been shut down, and warnings of apocalyptical traffic jams have been posted as far away as Nevada. Anyone who's been to LA, whether as a visitor, a resident, or a part of the audience of a Hollywood film, knows that the city depends on its freeways for survival. You can't get anywhere without a car; public transportation systems suck, and riding a bike could very likely get you killed considering how many crazy drivers there are. Without the 405 Freeway, many people's lives will pretty much come to a halt. All the tourist attractions will be practically empty, and many businesses will lose millions of dollars as the whole city's economy freezes.

I really think this construction project is quite a daring endeavor. Just think about all the potential disasters that may arise if there is a delay and the freeway remains closed during Monday morning's rush hour. My experiences at UCLA have taught me to never count on construction projects to be completed punctually, and only time can tell if this one will be an exception. And if trafffic jams really do reach epic proportions, even ambulances, police cars, and fire trucks will have trouble responding promptly in the case of an emergency. Combine that with LA's usual share of angry, careless, crazy, impatient, and/or idiotic drivers, and it's not hard to see how Carmageddon got its name. Normally I hate to stress excessively over risk prevention, since life is always going to be full of risks. But for this weekend, I think I'm going to resist the urge to go out and play, and just enjoy relaxing at home instead.

That's why I'm here writing this entry right now. It's quite fascinating to see the various ways people are "celebrating" this special occasion. Some people are planning "Carmageddon parties" to give their friends something to do to kill time. Several businesses in the area have declared Friday and Monday as official holidays, choosing to let their employees rest rather than force them to show up even though there will be no customers. Some of the wealthy guys I know from the car foums who live near the 405 are already in Vegas, and won't be coming back until this apocalypse is over.

Thinking about it now, maybe I should have planned a little "Carmageddon party" too, just because I can, even though the effects of the freeway closure probably won't reach as far as my area. If things remain under control, I may go out for a little cruise, just for the heck of it. For now, I'll just settle with sitting in front of my computer, reading news updates, and checking SigAlert, because they sure know what they're talking about-

07/13: Some people believe that trust is something that must be earned, while others believe that it must be given. The same is true with respect. I've talked to several people who have very firm standpoints on this issue, and it often makes me think about where I want to stand myself. Recently, there have been several occasions in which people made me feel like I was greatly disrespected and could not trust them. And I'm sure I also made them feel the same way. With both sides refusing to stand on the losing end, there was no option other than to argue until we were sick of arguing - a solution that, while it makes us feel pretty good at the moment, neither solves the problem nor benefits anyone in the long run. I realized that in each case, I expected people to respect me while they felt no need to do so. In the same way, they expected me to trust them while I refused to give them my trust. It was with that realization that I finally found the answer I had been looking for.

I can spend the rest of my life thinking that people should give me their trust and respect, but if they believe that I need to earn it, then I will never get what I want. Or I can always expect people to have to work to earn my trust and respect, but if they feel that it should be given freely to them, then surely they will make no effort, and in the end we will both be disappointed. I've been noticing more and more that in almost every case, the people who want to be trusted and respected are the ones who feel that those things should be given to them, and the people who refuse to trust and respect them are the ones who believe that those things should be earned. Looking at the big picture, it becomes quite clear that it's really a lose-lose situation for both parties.

But surely it can't just end like this. Otherwise, the only way to solve problems dealing with this issue would be to argue and fight. I've definitely had my share of that recently, and I can say with confidence that while it may seem like the natural thing to do at the moment, in the end it only makes everyone unhappy. After all, when it comes to issues like this, there isn't going to be a clear winner. The only thing that arguing will do is put us in an infinte loop of self-righteousness that spools up into a hurricane leaving behind a mess for us to clean up once we regain our composure. Sure, I may not win the fights, and I may not even be guilty of what I'm being accused of, but one thing I know for sure is that there's an important lesson for me to learn right now.

I need to treat others as I want them to treat me. If I think someone should earn my trust and respect, then I should do my part and try to earn theirs. If I think someone should freely give me their trust and respect, then I should be willing to give them mine too. Imagine a world in which those who want to be trusted and respected are the ones most willing to work to earn them, and those who feel that trust and respect should be earned are willing to forgive and offer second chances. All of the recent quarrels I've been involved in would not have happened at all, and everyone would be able to get along so much better. Of course, most of this is probably just wishful thinking. But the point isn't whether or not people will actually give me what I want, but rather whether or not I've done my best. If I've proven myself to be truly worthy of trust and respect, and people still refuse to give me any, then in the end isn't it really their own loss?

Suddenly, I don't feel the need to win every little argument anymore. Knowing deep inside that I've done the right thing makes me more empowered than I ever can be from having the last word in a fight. The question really isn't whether trust and respect should be earned or given, but rather whether or not I'm willing to work to earn them from those who refuse to give them to me and offer them to those who refuse to earn them. And from now on, I'm going to try my best to live a life that allows me to answer "yes" to that question. If I truly believe in God, then I must also believe that He sees and knows my heart and will reward me at a time that He sees fit. Maybe the reward will come soon, or maybe I will have to wait until I leave this world. But even if my only reward is the confidence and joy deep inside that comes from knowing that I've done my best, it is definitely worth all the discomfort, frustration, and sacrifice that lead to it. It's time for me to start taking action, and I pray that I will have the courage, humility, and wisdom to turn the things I wrote here into reality.

07/12: Random lunch-break entry. I'll keep this short, since the weather has finally cooled enough to allow me to enjoy my daily walks again. I could have taken a nice walk yesterday too, but I kept it down to just a few minutes for the sake of having enough time for a quick 7-Eleven run. That's right, gotta love free Slurpees. For those who didn't know, 7/11 ("Seven-Eleven") is Free Slurpee Day. Sure, you only get a tiny cup for free. But it's still free. And besides, I technically had three cups, since I downed two of them at the store, then took one to go. The dude at the cashier was super chill and didn't mind at all.

Last night, I got to enjoy an awesome time of hanging out with Esther, Betty, Ally, and Dan. I still find it amazing that we actually got to all be at the same place at the same time. Betty vanished from the face of the earth for at least half a decade, and we got back in touch just in time to meet up at the BBQ party. Ally just happened to be back from China and has some time to spare before going back down to SD. We first had our reunion at Starbucks last week, and figured that since we're still all here, why not hang out again? Good times, good times.

Speaking of reunions, there was a little reunion on Sunday for the G-Vo band consisting of some amazing and authentic Sri Lankan food. Sure, it's only been a few weeks since the big concert. But it definitely doesn't hurt to meet up as a group after the show and share our feelings with each other. The best thing is that the things we talked about revolved around not only the music, but also how people's lives were changed by it. I have to be honest - a lot of times after working so hard for a big event, I tend to easily convince myself that the outcome was good even if it wasn't really all that great, just because it feels good to do so. But this time, the more we shared, the more I realized that it was truly an incredible show. Sure, there's plenty of room to improve. But nothing beats getting some honest opinions from a diverse group of people who were in the audience, and from what we heard, it's clear that God had really used us to not only make good music and put on a good show, but also to transform lives desperately in need of healing. There's been some talk of another (smaller) opportunity to perform in the near future, and if it actually happens, I'm really looking forward to it.

07/04: Happy Fourth of July! I'm still finishing up the last little bits of cleaning up after yesterday's party, and if it weren't for the cup of coffee sitting next to me now, I proabably wouldn't even be awake. But even if I were twice as tired as I am now, it would still be worth it. Yesterday evening's party was simply amazing, and I'm so glad so many people were able to come over and enjoy the food and have a good time together.