04/22: Unceasing Praise

Yesterday afternoon, a group of young adults gathered at Priscilla's house to worship God. It wasn't a Sunday service, a weekly small group gathering, or any sort of church- or fellowship- hosted event. But we came simply because we wanted to. And for about eight hours, we prayed, sang songs, shared our lives with one another, ate some great food, and through it all gave glory to the God who unites us all.

This was the third of a series of "worship nights" organized by Vicky and Priscilla, and while the past two gatherings took place at night, this time we had the privilege of starting in the afternoon and going until almost midnight. What originally started as a worship-oriented jam session with a few friends grew into a well-organized event consisting of prayer topics and several musical worship teams. Over twenty people showed up, coming from places ranging from Eagle Rock to Rancho Cucamonga. We represented many ethnic groups and social backgrounds, but we came to gather as one body with one purpose.

Every one of us contributed in one way or another to the success of this gathering. Many brought food and drinks for all to enjoy. Some gave up many hours of their free time to cook and bake, and some worked extremely hard to get everything set up beforehand and clean everything afterwards. People helped prepare the prayer topics, song lyrics, and general schedule, and many kept this event in prayer.

Then there was the music - even as a musician myself, I was truly blown away at how much musical talent was in the room. God has blessed many us tremendously with gifts in singing, leading, playing instruments, and even songwriting, and we were able to share those gifts with everyone for His glory. Some people shared their life-changing testimonies inbetween songs, and there were many instances when we broke into spontaneous periods of free worship, singing to God whatever was on our hearts.

Sometimes I found myself singing with my eyes closed and my heart submerged in God's beauty. It was one of those times when I completely forgot that the people around me could actually see and hear me, and simply wanted to keep on singing as I meditated on God's wonders. Even though each of us sounded different when we sang, I was deeply convicted that we were, in fact, singing as one voice, lifting our praises in unison to God.

Every time I witness so much diversity, so much talent, and so many hearts eager to praise God all at the same place, I feel like the result is nothing short of a glimpse of heaven. And it's nothing like the boredom people imagine when they think of angels sitting on clouds playing harps day after day. I can honestly say that there were moments when I wished the songs would never end. Sure, I can't forget that there are lots of problems in my life, and those problems naturally popped up in my mind many times throughout the afternoon and night. But for once, the solution seemed greater than the problems. All I wanted to do was continue offering unceasing praises to God, and the thought of all the problems in my life only made me want to continue praising Him, knowing that in Him I have hope, joy, and peace greater than anything this world can offer. The last time I experienced such intimacy with God through singing praises was probably over a year ago at the Grace 2010 conference in Chicago, and the fact that yesterday's encounter took place during a casual Saturday gathering proves that God can truly meet us anywhere and anytime, as long as we have hearts that eagerly seek Him.

I was amazed when I looked back at the end of the night and realized that the gathering had lasted for longer than a full-time workday. Had I realized beforehand that I was about to give up eight hours of my precious Saturday, I very likely might have hesitated to agree to go. But in the presence of God, time simply flew by, and was it not for the fact that we were all very tired and still had to wake up for church this morning, we would have gladly kept things going for many more hours.

I belive there will be many more opportunities like this in the future, and am looking forward to them already. Regardless of whether or not they end up as big, long, or well-organized as this one, I am confident that God can still meet with us. For now, I pray that our praise-filled attitudes will overflow into every aspect of our lives, whether it's work, school, home, church, family, friends, relationships, or anything else. May we extend our desires for worshipping God beyond simply singing songs and do our best to live every part of our daily lives as acts of worship to Him.

04/19: I believe that one of the most precious things God gives us here on earth is time. All the other important things in life - wealth, success, comfort, acceptance, etc. - are meaningless if there's no time to enjoy them. There are all kinds of ways to make a little more money - work hard, make investments, buy a lottery ticket, beg on the streets, rob a bank... but no matter what we do, we can't add even one more second to our days. Regardless of whether you're a boss or an employee, a millionaire or a beggar, a celebrity or a social outcast, each day is only 24 hours long. That's the way God created it, and there's nothing we do can change that.

That's why it bothers me to see people succomb to the stereotypically Asian mentality of workoholicism. Because I work in an industry that involves lots of contact with people in Asia, it's not unusual to find people working 12-hour shifts without resting or getting up in the middle of the night for the sake of business. Yes, sometimes financial crises call for such a sacrifice if that's what it takes to earn enough to survive. But I'm starting to see more and more that for many people both here and overseas, such habits are not a sacrifice, but rather a lifestyle.

Needless to say, I refuse to let myself become like those people. But I often find myself feeling very worried and concerned for them. How do their families and friends feel about them never being available because they're always working? How will they feel decades later when they look back and see how little they've accomplished aside from following the same day-to-day work routines? Don't they see that there's so much more to life than fulfilling job descriptions?

Sure, people work hard now to live more comfortably in the future, and there's definitely nothing wrong with that. I'm a strong believer of making good investments. That's why I did my best to build quality friendships in college knowing that we may not be able to see each other daily once we graduate. That's why I spent so many years of my life trusting that God would provide me with a girlfriend when the time was right. And that's why I keep track of my finances to make sure I'm not spending more than I'm earning. But it's very important to know that there's a big difference between investing and overworking. Investments are made with a long-term purpose - we have a goal set for ourselves, and we keep that goal in mind. The Bible teaches that our lives on earth are opportunities to invest in heavenly treasures that will make our present struggles pale in comparison. But we must remember to keep our purpose in mind, otherwise we are simply working aimlessly and letting time fly by without knowing what we're doing it all for.

Our culture today teaches us to start investing at a young age - we study hard to get into good colleges in order to get good jobs. We work hard to make money to support our families and live comfortably. We build up our savings so that we can enjoy happy lives after retirement. These are all great things, things that can help us do more with the lives God has given us. But there's one other thing we must remember - as much as we hate to admit it, the number of our days is not in our control. Many people spend their whole lives working toward a future goal, but leave this earth before ever reaching that goal. The way our lives are now, in our present age range, with the people we're surrounded by, and in our current locations, will only happen once. So even as we invest our time in the future, we must remember to stop, breathe, and take some time to make our present lives no less fulfilling.

Even God, after creating the heavens and the earth, rested on the seventh day. And it's not because He was tired and needed to sleep. I find it interesting how the Bible mentions God creating mankind in His image, then almost immediately mentions Him resting after working. Even though we live in such a work-driven society, we must remember the importance of resting - not just physically resting, but also mentally and emotionally resting. What's the point of making money if we're too busy to ever have a chance to spend it? What's the point of staying up all night studying if we don't even remember why we want to get good grades? Even though I spend a lot of time in the office, I often spend my breaks thinking about the positive outcomes of having my job. Aside from gaining lots of precious experience, I can earn a stable income, which enables me to not only further enjoy my life on weeknights and weekends, but also further bless the people God has placed in my life financially. And with that in mind, I can go back to work feeling a strong sense of purpose, in which I can find joy and hope even when things in the office get frustrating or difficult.

Every phase of life, whether it's high school, college, dating, marriage, childhood, or adulthood, is a unique stage that God places us in. We have opportunities in our present lives to enjoy ourselves and love and serve others right now that we may not have in the future. In order to make the most out of the time that God has given us, we must find a healthy balance between spending it on investments for the future and spending it on things unique to here and now.

So take a moment to consider whether the "work" you do, whether it's attending school, sitting in an office, or helping with chores at home, is a purposeful investment. Are you doing things out of unnecessary obligation, or because you have a goal in mind? Are you working so hard that you're neglecting other important opportunities that may never come back to you again? Regardless of what happened in the past or what circumstances we face now, remember that God allows us to be here, right where we are, on this very day, complete with our strengths, weaknesses, joys, and hurts, for a reason, and every moment is a new opportunity to glorify God by living it to the fullest.

And remember, when someone voluntarily spends time with you, they are giving you a piece of their lives that they will never get back again. So cherish that time, build relationships, encourage one another, and treat every moment like it's your last. Don't aim to simply survive each day, but to live it with purpose and meaning. Work hard and strive for success with the opportunities you've been given and the circumstances you've been placed in, but when those things become overwhelming, stop and take a deep breath, and think about the purpose behind the work. Every moment is a gift from God, given freely to us only because He has a reason for it. So seize it and make the most out of it, so that no matter where the road of life takes you, you can be confident that you've done your best.

04/05: Check out my new ride-

04/01: Ever since I officially left GCCI at the beginning of the year, I have been consistently attending First Evangelical Church of San Gabriel Valley. I had known for a very long time that I would eventually leave GCCI and visit new churches until I find one that is most suitable as my new spiritual home. But by the time I worked up the courage to actually get up and leave, I had already been attending FECSGV's weekly small group meetings for several months. And of course, I can't forget to mention that the girl who originally invited me to the group would eventually become more than just friends with me, even though I had no intention of pursuing her when I first joined the group. Given all those things, it shouldn't be surprising that I decided to go straight to FECSGV after leaving GCCI, and have stayed there for the past three months. Many of the people there knew that I was a Christian in search of a new church, and after seeing me during Sunday service for several weeks, they asked me if I had decided to commit to the church already. That's when I realized I was unable to give them a confident answer.

From the beginning of my decision to leave GCCI (which was prompted largely by its lack of a healthy community of believers in my age group), I knew that church is ultimately supposed to be about God. Church is not supposed to be about hanging out with friends, spending time with my girlfriend, being entertained by an ethusiastic speaker, or singing songs led by talented musicians; all of those things are good things, but if I placed them even slightly above God, then the entire purpose of my desire to find a new church would be flawed. And I realized that even after attending FECSGV every week for three months, I still haven't really made any effort to find confirmation of whether or not this is where God wants me to be. I'm all about commitment, but on the outside I was giving people the impression that I'm the kind of guy that has trouble being committed, or even the kind of guy that would abandon the church he grew up in simply because he wanted to spend more time with his girlfriend. Choosing a church is not something that should be done by default or based on what makes me happy or comfortable, but because I never actually visited any other churches, I can't say with confidence that I intentionally choose to be at FECSGV. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that things definitely need to change. So I've decided after much prayer and sharing with other brothers and sisters in Christ that it's time for me to go on an explorational journey to gain the confirmation that I desperately need.

I really believe that now is an ideal time for me to go on this journey. FECSGV has been planning and preparing for an eight-week-long "40 Days of Purpose" churchwide campaign, centered around Rick Warren's "The Purpose-Driven Life", which will kick off next Sunday. Several years ago, GCCI has already held the same campaign, which I participated in. It's not that I think the campain isn't worth completing a second time; I strongly believe that no matter how many times I study God's Word, there will always be something new and important to learn and apply, and having read "The Purpose-Driven Life" at least three times and been greatly blessed by it each time, I have no reason to doubt God's ability to work through it once again. But at this point, the growing burden in my heart to find a spiritual home must take precedence. Also, because of this campaign, which will involve all aspects of the church, the video series in our Thursday night fellowship, the lesson series in Sunday School, and the sermon series in Sunday service are all coming to an end. I'm the kind of person who hates to leave any class or activity halfway, and I think it will be extremely hard to come across another opportunity like this to leave knowing I have finished what I started.

As for my specific goals and purposes for this explorational journey, I have narrowed them down to three main points-

1) Personal growth - This journey requires me to step out of my comfort zone in several ways. I need to go to unfamiliar places, where I may or may not feel accepted the moment I step in the door. I also need to interact with people I never met before. On some weeks, I may have to drive very far or wake up extremely early. And because I will be going to different places every week, my precious Sunday schedules may be quite unstable. But I believe that the inconveniences I'm willing to accept serve to show my determination to make the most out of this journey. And rather than focusing on myself, I want to direct the attention to God and let Him use this time to transform me and help me grow in new and unique ways.

2) Exploration of different church cultures - Every church has a different "culture" - the way people dress, the songs they sing, the kind of behavior that is acceptable or unacceptable during service, and much more. On this journey, I will have the opportunity to interact with many different groups of believers of various ethnicities, social classes, and age groups. I will meet people I click very well with, and people I have difficulty connecting with. I will see aspects of church that I like, aspects that I don't like, and maybe even things that are simply wrong. But I must remember that no matter how different one church can be from another, we are all united by our common faith and hope in God through Christ, and are therefore all members of one body for one purpose. Because of some of my past experiences, it's sometimes easy for me to become judgemental and assume that it's okay to point fingers at the church and assume that other churches are so much better. But this journey will help me to realize through firsthand experience that there's no such thing as a perfect church, because every Christian is a sinner in need of God's grace. And this realization will help me learn to be more respectful to church leaders, loving to my brothers and sisters, and compassionate to the body of Christ.

3) Confirmation of my spiritual home - This is the original need that gave birth to the whole idea of this explorational journey. If God is calling me to commit to a different church, then I believe He will use these next couple months to open my eyes as I seek wisdom from Him. Or, if things go as I assume they will, then at the end of this journey I will return to FECSGV with my heart settled and at peace, knowing that I have already done my part and have no reason to doubt my commitment anymore. I believe that just as every part of the body serves an important function, every member of the church has something to offer, whether onstage or offstage, whether with or without an official leadership title. In order to truly be a member of a church, I must use what God has blessed me individually with to bless others for the good of the church. And in order to serve consistently and wholeheartedly in this way, I must first be able to acknowledge confidently that the place I am at is my spiritual home and the people I am with are my spiritual family.

For now, I have decided to leave not only FECSGV's Sunday services, but also its small group meetings during the week. I strongly feel that I should not attend the small group meetings during these eight weeks, partly because they will revolve around the 40-day campaign that I have chosen to not be actively involved in. Also, I understand that it is difficult for leaders who have to deal with people like me who attend their groups but am not fully committed, and it's not right for me to add this extra burden to them. Since I am still attending BSF, which will end around the same time my explorational journey will end, I will not be deprived of the spiritual nourishment that comes from a close-knit, regularly-meeting, God-centered fellowship group. And I'm also considering following FECSGV's daily reading plan for "The Purpose-Driven Life", both for personal spiritual growth and to be more closely connected to my brothers and sisters there when I return.

As for exactly where I'll be going throughout the course of this journey, I already have enough options to fill up more than half of the eight Sundays. During the time when I was still attending GCCI and told people about my desire to find a new church, many friends have given me suggestions or invited me to visit their churches, but I ended up turning down their offers because I could not see myself committing permanently to those churches for various reasons such as an excessively far location or a small group time that can't fit my weekly schedule. But now that I'm not exactly visiting churches with the intention of permanently staying there, I can allow myself to go visit those places and introduce myself confidently as a purposeful visitor rather than a potential member.

Aside from actually visiting different churches, this journey will consist of a lot of journaling and reflecting, so that I can take the time needed to be still before God and consider what He may be trying to tell me or teach me through my experience at each church. Most of these journals will be kept private, but I will be sure to share my thoughts when I reach the end of this journey. My purpose for writing and reflecting is not to critique or judge any church, but rather to capture my experiences so that I truly make the most out of this period of time. And when I reach the end of the journey, my journals will always serve as a reminder that going to church - whatever church I end up committing to - is not just something Christians are obligated to do every Sunday, but rather a highly desirable gathering filled with purpose.

One thing I want to make clear is that my decision to go on this journey is not the result of anything I have against FECSGV or any other church. In fact, being a part of this church for the past three months has been a tremendous blessing. The sermons, Bible studies, and small group lessons have encouraged me in difficult times and helped me grow in ways I never thought were possible. And I can go on forever writing about how much I love the people I have met and become friends with. I believe that this journey is in accordance with God's will, and that's the only reason I'm allowing it to happen. So whether you attend GCCI, FECSGV, or any other church, including the ones I may visit, please support me in prayer, especially in the following areas-

*That I may be determined to fight against any form of laziness or stinginess, whether it's the desire to sleep in, the fear of long-distance driving, or the temptation to pursue other activites in place of church, so that those things will not prevent me from making the most out of this journey.

* That I may stay focused on the purposes of this journey, so that I will not visit churches out of habit or only to meet friends and have fun, but rather with a desire to make every visit a valuable and life-changing experience.

*That I may be sensitive to the Holy Spirit's prompting in all aspects of this journey, including where to go each week and how to respond to different people or different situations, even if it goes against my own desires or ideas.

*That this journey may be a blessing not only to myself, but also to many others, whether I'm visit their churches or sharing my experiences with them afterwards.

*That my three purposes for this journey, especially the confirmation of my spiritual home, along with whatever other purposes God has in mind, will be accomplished according to God's perfect will and in His perfect timing.

With all that said, I surrender control of this journey completely to God. He is the reason for this adventure, and may nothing get in the way of my willingness to submit to Him and trust Him to lead the way. May His great and perfect will be done, and above all else may He be glorified.

03/18: (Continuation of 4/11 entry)

I packed my belongings and got in my boat as I did every morning. To everyone else, it was just another ordinary day. But the few with whom I had shared my heart knew that this journey was unlike any other I had gone on - this time, I was leaving home and not returning again. Before the great fire, I had befriended a girl who knew the purpose of my adventures and invited me to her hometown. I began to visit on a regular basis, and after I left my home for the last time, I headed straight here and built a temporary shelter for myself. The many new friends I met embraced me warmly, and with each new day I grew more comfortable with them. But over time, a new concern began to surface. As an explorer, something doesn't seem right about the idea of having reached a destination without first going on a journey. How do I know I am at the right place if I settled down without any exploration that pointed me toward it? How do I know that I have found the greatest treasure if there is no other treasure with which to compare it? Many here have asked me how long I plan to stay in my temporary shelter, and I can not give them a definite answer. More and more I see that if I want to call this place my new home, then I must first get in my boat again and go on a journey to explore the world, because only after completing this journey can I come back here and consider myself a part of this family.

03/16: So far, daylight savings time is, for lack of better words, friggin' awesome. Spotted Monday - a matte orange GT-R, which led to a white R8 V10, which led to a red F430 Spider. Tuesday - white suped-up GT-R. Wednesday - grey F430, black Phantom, blue custom Gallardo. Thursday - grey NSX, which led to a yellow Hamann 350 Modena, which led to a yellow F355 Spider. Today - ENZO, 'nuff said. If this is the direction things will continue to head, I better start saving up for more camera batteries and memory cards!

03/11: A few weeks ago, I got to see someone that I used to attend church with every week. It was a weeknight, and as we said goodbye, she left me with the words "see you on Sunday". I simply smiled, then said bye and left. Alone in the car, I sat quietly as tears formed in my eyes. We had gone to church together for years, and it was only natural for her to assume she would see me there again that Sunday. But what she didn't realize was that I had already been absent from the church for several months.

What she didn't see was something that many failed to see - a heart that had been hurt, misunderstood, and neglected for years, hidden behind a plain smile that somehow always covered up more than it intended to. I had been attending GCCI (formerly called UCC) since I was in elementary school, and it was through that church that I discovered my desire to be baptized, built the foundation of faith that I now live by, and nurtured my love for music that became a crucial part of my life in college. To say that the church played an important role in just about every area of my life since childhood would undoubtedly be an understatement. Yet in these past several years, my relationship with the church became a downward spiral, until I finally decided at the end of last year that I was going to leave in search of a new church to call home.

Let me make one thing clear first - this entry is by no means intended to bash on GCCI, or on churches in general. Yes, many people there, both leaders and members, have done some stupid things over the years that resulted in some very bad consequences. But I definitely have to include myself in that list, knowing that for me to think that I'm better than anyone else would be a big mistake. One of the main reasons Christians need to attend church is that we're all imperfect people and need each other to encourage, lead, and guide us in the right direction. And I believe that the problems I saw at GCCI, both at a corporate level and at a personal level, were definitely not unique to that church or its members.

As far as I can see, it all started back in college, when the leaders in the church simply assumed that, just because most college students leave and don't come back like they say they would, I would be no different. When I said I would return every weekend for small group and Sunday service, I wasn't kidding, and I did everything possible to keep my word, even when great sacrifices had to be made. But I soon realized that no matter how committed I was, the ministries at the church were no longer geared toward me, and that even though I managed to be physically present every weekend, I was no longer able to grow through the church the way I used to. I thought about the story of Jesus leaving behind 99 sheep to find the one that was lost, and realized as the months passed that even though I was becoming increasingly distant from the flock, my shepherds were not coming after me.

That problem was evident throughout the church - leaders who desired to see the church grow in popularity or numbers became so focused on quantity that they neglected the quality necessary for it to be rooted solidly in Christ. Some leaders stubbornly pursued their own goals. Ministries became hindrances to other ministries. Disagreements became tensions, tensions became frustrations, and a couple years ago things reached a point where leaders were forced to leave in hopes of finding a new church that would allow them to further exercise their God-given gifts.

Actually, the problem has been around for much longer than just since I was in college. Those of us who had been around long enough probably remember many of the past leaders that came and left over the years. The main reason for their resignation? Being burnt out. Without an organized structure, leaders (including volunteers) felt like they had to do just about everything, regardless of what they were good or not so good at. And without laying the foundation for members to be deeply rooted in faith, the church consisted largely of people who simply attended church every week as a habit or fun activity without paying attention to how hard the leaders were working, until those leaders finally hit rock bottom and gave up.

What broke my heart most was seeing many of my friends get hurt in this way over the years. People saw their kindness and willingness to serve, and began piling work on them, until they were blinded from the joy of God-centered fellowship and began attending church only to fulfill their duties. As high schoolers, could they really be blamed for wanting to feel accepted and useful? And how could they be expected to have the wisdom to say no to the things that their older (and presumably wiser) leaders were asking them to do? Unsurprisingly, many of them eventually left the church. Not only so, but they left all churches in general, with only a weak and shallow faith that could not stand against the temptations of the world without a community to guide them in the right path.

Seeing problems like this happen over and over again made me start harvesting negative feelings toward GCCI in my heart. I knew that it wasn't right, but after years of struggling to focus on the positive things and keep a humble attitude, I still found my pride, selfishness, and frustration getting the best of me, preventing me from surrendering completely to God while at church. As I grew older, I began to build stronger relationships with the leaders of the English Ministry at GCCI, and by doing so I began to see more and more of their genuine feelings, concerns, and dreams. So when things finally escalated to a point where, after many arguments and many tears, all three of the Engish Ministry's leaders decided to leave GCCI at around the same time, I knew I couldn't stay there anymore.

At that point, my heart was filled with anger. I still tried to do everything possible to subdue my anger, knowing that regardless of whether I would stay or leave, having such a negative attitude toward the church was definitely not pleasing to God. But my negative feelings only increased. I thought about all the times when I eagerly attended Sunday school classes every week until I was the only committed student left. I thought about all the times when I expected people to pray for me or listen to me, only to be shot down by their false assumtions of me. As one who had been attending the church for longer than anyone else in the English Ministry had been, couldn't I find a single person there who would actually pay attention to me as an individual? I had served faithfully on the worship team for countless years, yet I found myself having to defend myself against doing too much, in constant fear of being burnt out and ending up like so many great leaders of the past.

Sometimes I really wonder if, when I was still at GCCI, there was something really wrong with me that I didn't realize. Because as far as I could see, I was an excellent candidate for discipleship, and there was no question about my commitment to the church. I was fully willing to learn, grow, and lead others, taking the burden off the leaders' shoulders. And as one of the few members of the congregation who had finished college already, I could much more easily commit to serving long-term than most of them could. I've always believed that a good leader should focus on training other leaders, especially those with most potential, in order to maximize the effectiveness of the ministry in the long run. Yet I was left neglected year after year as the church continued to focus on targeting the majority, until my desire to serve eventually became a desire to leave.

Over a year had passed between the time I decided to leave GCCI and the time I actually got up and left. During that time, I continued to attend Sunday service every week, even as my passion slowly faded away. But as my passion faded, so did my anger. Thanks to a new team of leaders, I saw great changes happening at the church - changes that I had hoped to see for many years. And through those changes, I saw great potential in the church to develop the solid foundation needed with its existing members to grow in numbers in the future. Yes, there were still many problems, and my past experiences made it very difficult for me to have faith in the church again. But I really found my attitude beginning to change. I began trying my best to forgive the church for the ways in which it has hurt me, keeping in mind that I am no stranger to hurting others myself. Finally, I reached a point where, even though I had already decided to eventually leave GCCI in search of a new church, I could leave without any anger or bitterness toward the church. In fact, by then there were so many good things happening at GCCI that a big part of me really wanted to change my mind and stay, with the same hope that had once kept me there for so many years despite all the problems - the hope of someday being able to see the church grow stronger and experience the joy of celebrating the good times after having struggled faithfully through the rough times.

So why, then, did I still decide to leave? As I wrestled with the idea of going to a new church in these past few years, I wrote a series of "personal church dilemmas" (09/15/2010, 10/03/2010, 12/04/2010), covering my thoughts and beliefs on various aspects and characteristics of church, including culture, race, size, growth, leadership, and ministry. The series was never finished, because the last topic I wanted to write about - community and fellowship - had left me with so many unanswered questions that I was unable to do so. And it was based on my desperate need for healthy community and fellowship that I made my decision to leave GCCI.

After that last major leadership exodus, almost all of the people around my age left with the leaders who left. And the only people left in my age group were, frankly, not nearly as committed to the church and to their faith as I expect my closest spiritual companions to be. As much as I know it's not right, being with them at church often causes me to feel prideful and start losing sight of my many weaknesses, as if I were actually less sinful and more Godly than they were. I've always believed that a healthy church is all about having a healthy community. That's why, even though we can read the Bible and pray by ourselves, God still emphasizes many times in the Bible the need for us to gather regularly with other believers. A church is supposed to cultivate healthy, positive, life-changing relationships, but I often found myself alone and hungry. I was desperate for nourishment - the kind that could only come through a community of believers. And at the rate things were going, despite all the positive changes taking place, it became clear that that I would have already starved before that nourishment actually came to me.

Considering how easily I get emotionally attached to all kinds of people and places that have made a difference in my life, I was extremely surprised at how painless my departure from GCCI was. On my last day there (January 1), I simply sat in the back and prayed quietly. I had only told a few people - those who I was closest with - about my departure, and still some of them chose to sleep in and not show up to say bye. When I left, it felt no different from any other Sunday. The fact that I felt more determined to find a new church than to make the most out of my last days at GCCI left me assured that I was truly ready to move on.

A few weeks before I left, a leader saw me at church and enthusiastically commented that I was always smiling. If only he looked a little deeper and saw all the pain behind that smile! I was smiling not because I wanted to cover up my feelings, but rather because in the midst of my struggle, God had given me peace. By that time, I already knew not only the day that I would officially leave, but also my destination after I left. And I have been going there every week since then. (I will write more about my new church in future entries).

What breaks my heart most isn't the fact that I can leave the church I had attended for over almost two decades and be almost completey unnoticed, but rather the fact that there have been, and still are, countless people who have experienced and are currently experiencing the same things. I'd already learned to accept the fact that even though people saw me on stage playing keyboard almost every week and praised me for it, my desire to be more of a brother than a musician meant so little to them. But there are countless leaders and volunteers, both in GCCI and in other churches, who are still left hungry, and the church must take action to notice them and keep them nourished - expecially those who are younger, weaker in their faith, or going through rough times - whether it's through prayer, financial support, encouragement, or simply taking the time and effort to get to know them better. If they were to fall, as many have in the past, their fall would hurt not only themselves, but the church as a whole. A church is not a place for people to casually come and go, but rather a community that nurtures quality relationships that encourage commitment. As one body under Christ, no member of the church should ever feel so disconnected, neglected, or overworked that it must break itself away. Every member of the church plays an irreplaceable role, and we must constantly pay attention to each other's needs so that the body as a whole may be considered healthy.

Even though I'm no longer a part of GCCI, I still feel blessed to hear of all the good things happening there. And even though I have written many of my honest feelings which may appear quite negative, I want to encourage everyone there, both leaders and members, to not give up, but rather to strive for a healthy and functional body as described many times in the Bible. Pastor Stephen has helped bridge the huge culture and age gap between the Chinese and English ministries in aways most of us never thought were possible. And I find myself constantly inspired by the way God slowly transformed Carol's heart and blessed her with wisdom to become the leader that she is today. I strongly believe that because they walk with God faithfully and constantly seek His will, their leadership is firmly rooted in Christ, the only foundation on which a healthy church can be built. And I pray that they, along with all the other current leaders, will remain faithful, even when experiencing opposition, and allow God to continue working through them to build up His church.

As for me, I know I still have much to learn. The negative feelings I have cultivated toward the church over the past years may take years to heal, but even so, I must continue doing my best. I must always remember that no matter what church I choose to call my spiritual home, it would be wrong of me to expect flawlessness there. And I must always remember to do my best not to let anyone end up feeling the way I did, or the way many of GCCI's past leaders did. If it breaks my heart to see leaders get burnt out and people feel unwelcomed at church, then I can only imagine how much it breaks God's heart. The Bible compares the relationship between Christ and the church to that between a husband and a wife. With that in mind, there is no doubt that church needs to be taken more seriously, meaning we need to put in effort and get out of our comfort zones to actively play our crucial, unique, and God-given roles. I believe that even when I felt hurt by the church, God was still with me, and He had great plans in mind for allowing every hardship to happen. So I pray that He will not only continue to guide me as I learn to move on from my negative feelings, but also use those feelings to raise me up to be a blessing for many others. And I pray for both GCCI and my current church, that God will take the lead and let His great and perfect will be done.

03/10: It's that time of the year again when we must face the agony of losing an hour of precious sleep. But for me, it's really a win-win situation. Switching the clock means that starting next week, I will be able to drive home from work every day in bright sunlight. And that means it will be much easier for me to spot insane cars, not to mention catch photos & footage of them. The weird thing is that while January and February have always been significantly more depressing than other months in previous years, this year has not failed to consistently bring out its share of pleasant surprises. And now that I get to enjoy more hours of sunlight every day, I can't wait to see what surprises still await me. I recently got a tip from a friend and fellow spotter/Youtuber that an Enzo has been roaming around good ol' Walnut. So I went to check out the location today, and sure enough, there was an Enzo. A friggin' $1-2 Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillion-dollar Enzo!! This year is definitely off to a good start...

03/05: Recently I've been hearing a lot about people who are going through major difficulties in life. Some are struggling to do well in school or find a job to earn money. Others have been injured and are recovering from surgery. I wrote in the previous entry that hardships should be viewed as opportunities for God's blessing and demonstrations of His purpose. But I'm starting to see more and more that hardships can also be used to bless others. First, it allows us to relate to those who go through similar struggles and gives us the privilege of walking with them as one who can feel their pain. Also, it allows those who don't face the same struggles to realize how blessed we are and reminds us not to take seemingly basic things in life for granted.

A couple nights ago, I was sitting at the computer at home when I heard sirens outside, and decided to check good ol' Sigalert.com to see what happened. I was shocked to discover that a big accident involving several cars had taken place right outside my neighborhood, just a few meters down from my backyard. I decided to go for a quick walk outside to see the scene in person. It wasn't because I wanted to be a rubbernecker, but because I felt strongly convicted that there were some important lessons for me to learn.

As I stood across the glass-shattered street (out of the way of emergency vehicles and crews), I silently prayed for the people involved in the crash. Regardless of where they were originally headed, things definitely didn't go as planned, and they must now face all kinds of hardships, from physical injury to emotional trauma to worried loved ones to all sorts of financial and legal issues. Then I thought about my own life. I've definitely done my share of unsafe things on the road over the years, but how is it that I've always managed to remain safe and sound? Suddenly I found myself humbled upon the precious and slightly frightening realization that there's a huge gap between the life I'm living now and the life I actually deserve to live.

Yes, God intentionally allows hardships to take place in our lives, so it's not exactly right to say that life is always better without them. But do we ever take the time to look at the problems around us and feel blessed because things in our own lives are not as bad as they could (and really should) be? While we must do our best to help others who are facing difficult situations, we must also remember to be thankful for all of the ways in which God has protected us and been merciful to us. Doing so will only help us more and more to live lives characterized by humility and gratitude, and as a result, we will be even more compelled to love and help the people around us, just as God first loves and helps us.