08/27: I woke up at 6:30 this morning confused and a little bit sad. "Where am I?" "What the heck is going on?" Having just returned from an amazing road trip / mini vacation in Santa barbara last night with just enough energy left to take a shower before hopping in bed, it was hard to swallow the fact that I was back at home about to start another week of busy office life. Sometimes when I have trouble falling asleep at night, I would exhaust my mind by putting it on "quick shuffle" mode, letting all kinds of random thoughts and images fly by quickly and spontaneously until I eventually fall asleep without realizing it. But when I tried the method on Friday night, I was shocked to realize that I was unable to shuffle my mind away from images related to work. Never have I been so mentally trapped in anything, even the things I love most in life. That made me see just how desperately I needed a break, not just to sit at home and relax, but to go away from this whole place and spend a few days in an exciting but unfamiliar atmosphere.

After work on Friday, I met up with Ken, and after he got the car ready (the leased car of course), we went to pick up Tiffany, then enjoyed dinner at Tea Bar "Starry" in Arcadia before embarking on the long drive north. It's a good thing we decided not to make dinner plans in Santa Barbara, since we ended up departing from Arcadia much later than planned. It wasn't a bad thing though, since it meant less traffic and no sun glare in our faces. We arrived in Buellton at around 11 to meet up with the gang we would be spending the weekend with - the soon-to-be-married Cristina and Derek, the already-married Steph and Royce, and their friend/chef/housemate Adam. Thanks to the huge house, there was plenty of room for all of us to sleep comfortably.

Saturday's adventures began with a trip to Ellen's for brunch. I was told that this was pretty much the only restaurant in the whole city, and after the short drive there, I was not surprised. Thankfully, the "only" restaurant in Buellton turned out to be an amazing one. If we ever go visit Steph and Royce again, those Danish pancakes and sausages will be a must-have on our trip.

After going back home to rest a little and play some Starcraft II (in their family-room-turned-gamer's-paradise), it was time for wine tasting at the nearby Lafond Winery & Vineyards. This was my first time going wine tasting, and it was definitely a great experience, complete with six tasty wines, snacks to complement the drinks, a glass to keep as a souvenir, and a beautiful view of the vineyards. I've heard from others that you're supposed to spid out the wine after tasting it to avoid getting drunk. None of us did that, and as a result we ended up with one very pink and hyper Steph, who immediately crashed for several hours after going back home.

Everybody gravitated toward their favorite form of in-house entertainment, whether it was Dominion cards or Starcraft. I had fallen in love with the beach-like weather the moment I stepped out the door in the morning, and so I took the time to enjoy a little walk around the neighborhood. Tiffany gladly joined me, and we both experienced what it felt like to get looks from people who see Asians as minorities. We returned to the house in time for dinner - an amazing homemade feast thanks to Adam's talents that would probably kill us if we eat it every day. The rest of the night consisted of baking cookies, another memorable walk with Tiffany, Adam's magical milk shake, jumping around the kitchen to avoid being hit by the Roomba, and a late-night game of Starcraft in which I got pwned by Protoss and realized it's been far too long since I last played the game (and even then, it was the old version).

For the sake of driving home safely the next day, I didn't let the temptation to destroy the world with Goliaths keep me up too late. For various reasons (which I won't bother listing here), I chose to spend the night in a room with cold hard floor, using a couple blankets as a mattress. It was actually more comfortable than I thought though, and definitely good for my back. When everyone woke up (some much later than others), we decided to ease the guilt from the previous night's dinner with a light, healthy salad brunch, once again courtesy of Adam's talents. After hanging out upstairs in the "game area" a bit longer, it was time to say goodbye.

Ken, Tiffany, and I decided to swing by downtown Santa Barbara for a nice oceanside walk on the way home. We ended up hainging out there a lot later than expected, so for the sake of curing our hunger, we took care of dinner at Siam Elephant before going home. A couple bottles of good ol' Manzanita Sol helped Ken and I stay awake as we took turns driving. As always, we don't really feel how tired we are until the vacation is over and it's time to go home. But thankfully, we made it back safely. And when I woke up this morning, it was as if everything that happened in these past couple days was just a dream.

08/23: Having had my full-time job for almost two years, I'm starting to understand why so many people feel the need to go on vacations. The seemingly never-ending cycle of repeating the same procedures day after day with no end in sight leaves me craving an opportunity to break out of that cycle, even if just for a short while. That's one of the many reasons I love to organize opportunities to get together with friends and hang out, whether it's on weekends or on a random weeknight. But greater stress calls for greater relief, and with the recent increase of stress at work (which I've more or less gotten used to already), it takes more than being in familiar territory for me to completely relax and get my mind out of the office. Thankfully, these next two weekends will offer just such opportunities. Tomorrow after work, Ken, Tiffany and I will go on our long-awaited road trip to Santa Barbara to visit Steph and Royce and spend the weekend there. The following weekend, I'll be down in San Diego for FECSGV's Connections retreat - my first retreat since Grace 2010, which I was only able to attend partially, and a precious opportunity to bond with my brothers and sisters at my new church home. Both of these adventures will require me to get out of my comfort zone in one way or another, but I know that the result will be rewarding, and I'm definitely looking forward to it.

08/21: It's a little crazy to realize that, in these past two and a half weeks, I've driven five different cars as part of my regular commutes. After that whole transmission incident took place, I was blessed by several people who gave me rides to/from work, and when I needed to drive farther, I was able to borrow either Mom's car or Carol's car. Last week, after I took my car into the shop, I finally went to rent a car from Enterprise, conveniently located right across the street from my office, and was given the keys to this 2011 Corolla.

08/18 The Musician in Me

It's been a very long time since I felt this way. Even though it's late at night, I'm still wide awake with my mind filled with images of flashing lights, scenes of hundreds of people singing together, thousands of chords, beats, and notes, and the adrenaline rush of it all. Oh, and there was the coffee that I brought on stage to make sure I had enough energy to make it to the end of the concert. After all, my body isn't used to so much nighttime activity anymore, since it had been over a year and a half since I last had the chance to be on stage with Clay Music.

For understandable reasons, the team had decided to reduce the complexity of most of its concerts by opting for a vocalists-and-tracks setup rather than a live band. As for the big tours in Asia, it simply made more sense to use a local band rather than bring one from the states. And besides, given that I have a full-time office job now, it would be hard to take several weeks off to travel and perform. But with a brand new album that just hit stores about a week ago, it only made sense to kick things off with a bang. And thanks to so many people who gladly support the ministry - instrumentalists, over a dozen backup vocalists, plus everyone in charge of lighting, sound controls, design and decorations, ushering, PowerPoint, setup, and cleanup, not to mention the ever-so-supportive GCCI which hosted the event - this new chapter of the Clay Music story is definitely off to a great start.

We had three rehearsals before the concert, and as usual, things started off with most of us having somewhat learned our own parts but still feeling more or less clueless. Then there's that moment when things start to click and we start feeling the power and joy of the team dynamic that brings everything together. And when that moment hit me, my mind was filled with millions of exciting memories of the various adventures I have gone on with Clay Music over the years, many of which have begun to seem like things of the past now that my life is much more, um, "settled down". I remembered those long plane rides across the globe, those unforgettable times spent bonding with the team members, those precious opportunities to perform in front of thousands of people and share the gospel with them, and of course, those humbling moments when God taught us over and over again that no matter how much time and effort we put into everything, in the end it's not about us. As those memories flashed across my mind during the rehearsals, I felt like I was on top of the world. There's no question that I'm truly a musician. But now that I have a full-time job and am not pursuing music as a primary career, I'm forced to ask myself, "what does being a musician really mean to me?"

I've shared with many about the experiences I've had with Clay Music, and how God has used all kinds of curveballs to teach us the ever-so-difficult lessons of obedience and humility. Even when I felt like I was ready to do God's work, I still often ended up caring about fulfilling my own desires more than anything else. Sometimes, even statistics like the number of people who showed up to a concert and the number of people who accepted Christ became deceiving measurements of how successful a concert was. Even now, many years after I was able to participate in Clay Music's very first concerts, I still find myself learning all kinds of new lessons as God continues to lead me according to His will. I know that God has blessed me greatly in the field of music, and I have no doubt that, despite our weaknesses, God has used the Clay Music team in countless amazing ways. But exactly why did He make me a musician, and what does He want me to do with this gift?

I remember going to China and experiencing for the first time the excitement of having the opportunity to perform in front of thousands of enthusiastic people, then being swarmed by dozens who wanted pictures, autographs, and a moment to chat with their newfound celebrities. Sometimes I look at pictures of those glorious moments and start to wonder, "where are all these people now?" After all, meeting and greeting hundreds of people who love me should make me feel at least somewhat secure about my social life, right? Of course, I've kept in touch with several people who I met over the years through performing at concerts that they attended, and I won't deny that it is a huge blessing to be able to meet friends from different states or countries and share our lives with each other. But I found myself really bothered by the fact that, of the hundreds of people I've taken pictures with, most of them probably don't even remember my name. In the end, there really isn't any correlation between feeling like a star and finding genuine joy and contentment in life.

Now that I can no longer live off of the highs of travelling the world and feeling like a celebrity, my attitudes toward being on stage have changed quite a bit. Looking back after tonight's concert, it's clear that, in the past, I had depended on all kinds of false hopes to feel secure and successful. I only felt like I did a great job when the crowd was enthusiastic. And most guys who have performed on stage would agree that scanning the audience and picking out attractive-looking girls can serve as a nice ego boost, too. But over the years, I've come to see more and more the many ways in which I'm blessed, not just as a musician, but also as a child of God. At tonight's concert, things were a little different. This was my first time performing at a concert in which my girlfriend was part of the audience, and let me tell you in all honesty, the joy of knowing that there's one person in the crowd who genuinely knows, loves, and cares for me far outweighs any kind of excitement or happiness that could come from thousands of cheering fans. I won't deny that even as an introvert, it's fun being in the spotlight once in a while, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. But tonight I discovered through firsthand experience that serving God through music is so much more meaningful when I lay all my idols aside and find my identity in Christ alone.

I'm glad to say that many people gave their lives to Christ tonight after hearing our music and testimonies. But deep inside, a part of me didn't even want to know the actual number of people who were saved, because even if only one person were saved, there would still be a great celebration in heaven. In fact, even if nobody received Christ tonight, God could have still used our team to plant seeds for a later harvest. After all, who are we to think that we can fully grasp God's will? As the name of our team suggests, we are the clay, and He is the potter. He is the creator who gave us our abilities, and He can use us in whatever ways He sees fit.

That's exactly the attitude I want to have when it comes to seeking God's will for me as a musician. I'm starting to see more and more that what the musician inside of me truly wants is not to travel the world and be a star, but rather to allow God, the giver of every good and perfect gift, to use my gifts to fulfill His purposes. Music is an extremely powerful tool that stirs up people's emotions and touches their hearts, and what better purpose for it than as a tool to spread the gospel and contribute to the growth of God's kingdom? Through Christ, I have found a contentment deeper than anything I can gain from popularity, fame, wealth, or praise. And I can't call myself a true musician unless I strive to use my talents to share my heart with others rather than feed idols that will only leave me longing for more in the long run. Even though I don't have nearly as much time as I did before getting my full-time job to work on music, it makes the little time I have now even more precious. I know that God didn't lead me to major in music just to leave it all behind, and I pray that no matter what stage of life I'm going through, I will never forget the musician He has led me to become and always continue striving to use music to give Him glory.

08/14: Sorry for the lack of updates recently - Life has been a bit on the crazy side lately, and during the little free time I had, chances are I was too tired to do anything other than sit like a vegetable and let my frustrations get the best of me. I remember having a conversation with Ken once about dealing with anger and frustration, and we both agreed that aside from simply praying and trusting in God, it's important that we find healthy physical means of releasing our stress. For me, car spotting is a great solution, offering both excitement, physical exercise, and, to some extent, a little competition. During the times when I'm too weighed down by anger and frustration to wait for a nice car, I turn to punching or kicking walls when nobody is looking. I know it seems crazy, but somehow it actually works, and when the frustration inside me is released, I'm a lot less likely to express what's left of it through road rage, blowing up at people around me, or other means that I would later regret.

I've always known that it's not a good idea to drive while angry. But it wasn't until these past few days that I've come to see how great of a healthy stress relief method my car can be, not because I can use it cut people off and give them the finger, but because of the freedom and relaxation it offers. Last week, I depended entirely on others to give me rides to and from work, and as the days passed by I began to feel more and more weighed down by the fact that I had absolutely no control of my time or where I want to be. Even when I was done with work, I had to wait until someone could give me a ride home. And even during lunch break, which I use as a time to get my mind off work and relax, my only options were to either stay in the office or go outside and bake in the hot sun, since I couldn't drive to the nearby cooler areas I normally go to on hot days. All in all, I felt trapped, and there was no way for me to let out my stress.

It just happened to be that my work-related stress also reached an all-time high. Last week, our company moved to a much bigger office, but so far the celebration-worthy occasion has done nothing but drive everyone nuts, thanks to the untimely departure of one of our most experienced co-workers, which leaves us all scrambling to cover her workload, not to mention take care of the million problems that inevitably arise from switching locations. Staying additional hours to get work done only showed that even more time would be needed. And as much as I wanted to help (knowing that everyone in the company is walking together through this rough time), I knew I had already been given far more than I could handle without significantly dropping my performance (and eventually being blamed for it).

Long story short, the combination of so much stress and nowhere to let it out led to a little nervous breakdown on Saturday night, during which I got absolutely no sleep because I was too mentally and emotionally consumed by everything that was going on. My inability to sleep (despite already being so tired) left me even more frustrated, and I continued to treat my life with a "zero-tolerance" attitude, seizing anything that didn't go my way as a chance to explosively let out my frustration. I felt like I had nothing to lose, and because of that I wasn't afraid of making a mess. So I wasn't exactly surprised when I went to work yesterday and blew up in front of everybody.

Deep inside I definitely felt bad about it. But I had to let everyone know that I had reached my limit before I actually go insane, even if it meant putting my reputation, or even my job, on the line. Thankfully, my boss, as disappointed as she was, came to see that I was being asked to do more than I could, whether it's because I'm too immature, too stupid, or simply too inexperienced. So when I showed up at work this morning, a lot of changes were made (as if there hasn't been enough changes lately), largely because of what happened yesterday. I have to be honest, though, and say that these changes are not only beneficial for me, but also for the company - having worked with students of various age groups and intelligence levels for many years, I'm no stranger to understanding my own ability (or lack of ability) to absorb knowledge, acquire new skills, and apply them properly, and I'm confident that if I can pick up new skills at a pace that is challenging but not impossibly overwhelming, I can meet the performance expectations that our company strives to achieve.

To top things off, now that my car is already in the shop, I decided to treat myself to a rental car yesterday, gaining back access to the freedom to move around and relax which can help relieve the majority of my stress. Now that things are finally looking good (at least for now), I've come to see the ways in which God has truly blessed me even while I was on the verge of insanity. Not only were there people willing to give me rides or let me borrow their cars, but there were also people who came at the perfect time to comfort me. I hate to admit that in the midst of my frustration, the people closest to me were the ones that I hurt the most. But still they accepted me, listened to me, and encouraged me. And sometimes, just by being there to listen, they can help completely turn my day around. I really don't know what the future will look like for me in terms of work, but I'm sure God has a plan in mind, and I pray for hope and strength to persevere as I continue to trust Him to lead the way.

08/10: Sometimes, we don't realize how valuable something is until we lose it. There's no doubt I love my '03 Accord Coupe, whether it's through always keeping it clean or never failing to keep it serviced regularly at the dealer it was purchased from. But I admit that after having had it for several years, it's much easier now for me to take it for granted. About a week and a half ago, I was on my way home from small group when my car started behaving very strangely, and after pulling over into a nearby parking lot and driving it slowly for a couple minutes, I was left with little doubt that it was a transmission problem, something that would most likely cost an insane amount of money to fix.

Thankfully, the incident took place just minutes away from home, so I was still able to make it home safely. And thankfully there were many people who gladly gave me rides or let me borrow their cars during the next few days so that I could have a little time to do some research and decide what to do next. In the past, I never measured my car based on its financial value (aside from the bragging right that came from having bought it from Howard for less than half of what it was actually worth). But this time, I was forced to face a new reality. The car is almost ten years old, and given how much a transmission repair could cost, not to mention the fact that as the car ages it will only cost more and more to maintain, it might make much more sense for me to give it up and spend the money on the down payment for a new ride.

While weighing my options, I came to a shocking realization - if I buy a new car now at the age of 27, chances are when I buy my next car, I will already have to take into consideration the needs of my wife and children. In other words, if I want to buy a fun, sporty car, now is the time, and I may never have another chance. I consulted Gary (a car expert), and after I described the problem to him, I asked him for an honest opinion on the price point at which he thinks the car would still be worth fixing.

This past Monday, I took the car to the dealer to get it checked up. I had known that dealers charge a lot more than necessary, but even so I was shocked when they called me later in the day with an estimate of $5000. I had another option, though, so after paying the (reasonable) diagnosis fee and picking up the car, I took it to a nearby shop recommended by some family friends. The mechanic took a look, then gave me a quote that was right around the maximum price Gary said was worth paying.

That left me a little irritated actually, since I was faced with a very difficult decision. Had it been clear that the repair would be too expensive, or that it would be much cheaper than expected, my decision would be made without any doubt. But now, I had to really ask myself, more honestly than ever before, whether I wanted to keep my car or buy a new one.

Of course, the question that immediately followed was "what new car would I buy?" I imagined something that combines practicality (four seats and a trunk) with fun (two doors and rear wheel drive). Domestic brands have yet to meet the quality standards set by imports, and luxury brands are simply too expensive to maintain (not to mention the heavy depreciation and the fear of getting keyed). Anybody who follows the car market should be able to pinpoint the few choices I had left - the Genesis coupe, the FRS, and the BRZ. Ben just bought an FRS, and I love everything about it other than the fact that it (and the BRZ) is simply way too small. And the Genesis? Well, I have to be honest - after seeing the most recent facelift, I'm simply not sold on the looks.

Yes, looks definitely matter - especially for a car-freak like me who sees a deep emotional, physical, and psychological connection between man and machine. A quick glance across history reveals that the most timeless automotive designs tend to be focused more on simple shapes than sophisticated details. Most people are very surprised to discover that my car is almost ten years old, not just because it is well-maintained, but because its design philosophy is both simple and elegant, without trying too hard to either blend in or stand out. The FRS seems to fit that category quite well, but I simply couldn't justify downsizing so much just to have fun.

Then there's the stuff beneath the skin. Thanks to Howard, my Accord comes with a fully decked-out interior, complete with heated seats, dual climate control, six-CD changer, electronic seat adjustment, and black leather everything. It looks great, feels great, and works great. Other than that occasional desire for an aux jack (since the car was made just around the time when only high-end cars came with aux jacks), I never found myself wanting anything more than what was already there. In fact, when I look at a lot of newer cars, I find their interiors to be way too cluttered with so much technology that it would take away from a car lover's driving experience rather than enhance it. Besides, if I ever need a nav system, I can always get an aftermarket unit, and chances are it would work just as well as the factory ones and cost much less.

As for engines and power, well, I agree that it's really about finding a good balance between weight and power. But having owned two cars, both with V6's, I find it a little difficult to go for anything less. Sure, a small engine in a light car can still be lots of fun. But when it comes to passing and gaining uphill speed, it's hard to find a satisfying replacement for those two additional cylinders.

It soon became clear to me that, as hard as it is to believe, there really wasn't anything in the market now that truly fits my needs without some sort of major compromise, whether in looks, comfort, price, power, or size. I considered the current-model Accord coupe too, but somehow I simply can't picture it looking as good in ten years as my car does now. Then I thought about the countless hours I've spent over the years keeping my car clean, and the seemingly ridiculous prices I paid to keep it serviced at the dealer, and realized that what I have now is really far too precious to give up.

So tomorrow I will take my car into the shop to get a rebuilt transmission. But I've also come to a new realization - dealers don't necessarily do a significantly better job of servicing a car to justify their high prices, and my car has already reached the age at which it really wouldn't make much of a difference whether I service it at the dealer or not, as long as I make sure to stay up-to-date with all the periodic checkups and fluid changes. So from now on, I'll start looking for alternatives when it comes to servicing, and it will surely save me a lot of money while still allowing the car to be in great condition for its age. And when that inevitable day comes when another major repair demands my attention and requires more money than is worthwhile, well, let's just say that I'll save that decision for when that day actually comes. In the mean time, I've come to see at a much deeper level than ever before that I truly do love my car, not just because it's mine, but because it fits my lifestyle, my priorities, my personality, and my needs better than just about every new car on the market now can. Sure, other people may have cars that are newer, faster, and more luxurious, But in the end, none of those things can overshadow the fact that the car I have now is truly, well, "me".

07/31: Every car spotter has been through those "dry" seasons of desperately craving an opportunity to see something extraordinary and seizing every opportunity to shoot it. Summer is rarely one of those seasons though, especially here in sunny California where good weather almost always helps bring out more exotics. Having just gone to Cars & Coffee a month ago and shot some extraordinary new rides in the Rowland Heights area in these past few weeks, I definitely wouldn't consider this a "dry" season. However, I'm still feeling a growing craving to shoot, thanks to that nifty new camera that's been accompanying me everywhere I go.

I have to be honest - when I first took the 110HS out to play (at C&C) a month ago, there were a few things that disappointed me about its video recording capabilities. First, the recording would automatically stop after a certain amount of time even though the memory card wasn't full. Second, it took what felt like an eternity to save videos after recording, during which the camera is frozen and cannot be used or turned off. That lag time, which usually lasted about as long as the actual video itself, caused me to miss some precious footage, leaving me very frustrated. For the first few weeks, I was very skeptical about the camera being a suitable new weapon of choice. But thankfully, it turned out that the problem wasn't the camera, but me.

I'm not exactly the brighest guy when it comes to technology, and it wasn't until after a little research that I realized the world of SD cards involves much more than just memory size. When I noticed that the card that came with the new camera holds less memory than my old card does, I came to the seeming clever conclusion that because the new camera takes higher quality photos and videos which use up more memory, I should pair it with the larger (though older) memory card. Well, it turns out that the old card is a Class 2, while the new card is a Class 4 (the minimum recommended class for high-def videos). So when I tried pairing the new card with the new camera, all of the problems disappeared! For those who don't know, the class number corresponds to the recording speed. Now that I've been exposed this precious piece of knowledge, I think I'll save up a bit more money and buy a Class 10!

Of course, until I buy a second battery and a much bigger (and faster) memory card, the 110HS won't be capable of covering big events. And that explains why I've been so hungry for spontaneous street spottings that can help me get comfortable with the new gun without using up all my ammo. Wherever I engaged in a drive without being pressed on time, I was prepared for a catch, with the weapon within easy reach and the "magic carpet" ready to be deployed instantly. For the first couple weeks, the "only" targets I successfully filmed were a pair of GT-R's. But it wasn't until today that I feel like my craving has been truly satisfied.

Let's start with lunch break. Usually it's impossible to get footage during lunch break because I have to return to work and can't camp out as long as I want to. But it's always worth a try... so when I saw an insane Murcielago Roadster during break today, I did what every serious spotter would do. One thing I love about this hobby is that it is not only exciting, but also requires a lot of strategy. It's kind of like those computer games where you get to build and control an entire army - you learn the map, plan your strategy, weigh the pros and cons, then make your decision and hope for the best. And thanks to good planning, I not only caught that Murcie and shot it well, but also collected some precious video footage just in time to return to work before my break ended.

Then there was that little encounter with an Evora on my way home from work. The good thing about playing in a familiar field is that it's a lot easier to make smart decisions. But even so, I surprised myself when I decided after filming the car driving away that I actually had a good chance of getting some more footage to complement what I felt was too short to be a stand-alone video. I took advantage of the typical evening traffic and followed an impromptu path consisting of parking lots and small side streets, then deployed the magic carpet to get back to the major street, and arrived just in time to intercept the Evora and collect the footage I wanted. Afterwards, I returned to my car and sat there in disbelief. The pursuit was over a mile long, and during that whole time I couldn't even see the target or confirm that it was going where I was headed. But probability and strategy both worked in my favor, and I didn't even have to break any traffic laws!

It's during times like this that I realize once again why I love car spotting so much. Combining patience, speed, accuracy, knowledge, strategy, art, and athleticism, it strikes a deep and passionate excitement in my heart that very few things can. Of course, there are many things in my life that are far more important than a personal hobby, and that's why I don't spend every weekend catching car meets. (Or maybe I just don't feel like waking up at 5AM every saturday...) But when a good opportunity comes, I gladly seize it, and with the new 110 HS helping me catch footage so clear that I feel like I'm literally reliving the moment, I'm more eager than ever before to strive to make Exotic Affinity continue to grow while remaining true to its roots.

07/24: While in the office earlier today, I stumbled upon an online article that popped up on my browser homepage and demanded that I take a few minutes to read. It turns out that of the 12 people who died in the Colorado movie theater shooting last week, four of them were boyfriends who died protecting their girlfriends. A couple of the girls shared about how their boyfriends responded to the gunshots by positioning themselves in front of them. I can only imagine the millions of thoughts and emotions going through their minds, both during the incident and right now. And it forced me to ask myself very honestly - Would I take the same action to protect my girlfriend?

I'm pretty sure most guys that are committed to a relationship will say yes, and I include myself in that group. But who would have expected that during a casual date at the movies, with all attention divided between the significant other and the film itself, someone would suddenly start shooting bullets across the room killing people randomly? There was no time to think, rationalize, or consider the options. It was now or never; had those four boyfriends reacted just one second later, the result might not have been the same. It's during such times that a man's deepest motives are revealed based on their actions, and those four girls were very blessed to have had boyfriends who truly loved them enough to give them everything.

I've heard many wedding vows in which the husband swears to always love and protect his wife. But how is it that so many marriages still end in divorce? As humans, we all have selfish desires, and sometimes we put those desires above our love for other people, especially when we're feeling tired, irritated, or angry. I know I've done so countless times, whether with my family, with my friends, or with my girlfriend. And sometimes all it takes is a split second - an unexpected situation that calls for an immediate response - to crush the mask I'm wearing and reveal where my heart is.

When disaster struck at the movie theater, the four boyfriends could have easily prioritized things a little differently. I wouldn't be surprised if they were young men with big dreams and bright futures ahead of them. Perhaps they've lived all their lives for those dreams, whether it was a successful job, a healthy family, a luxurious lifestyle, or an opportunity to change the world. But when the bullets began flying across the room, none of those things mattered to them. And even if they did, they were far less important than the people sitting right next to them. Perhaps they were very scared, both of the possibility of death and of the idea of having to leave so much behind. But still they held on, shielding their girlfriends even as they felt the bullets pierce through their bodies.

And even though their lives ended more quickly than they had hoped for or expected before entering that theater, they were much more fulfilling than some of the lives of even those who lived twice as long. Many people look back in their death beds after decades of living for themselves and still feel a deep sense of emptiness. Yet these young men stood for what they believed and poured out their lives for those they loved, right up to their final breaths. And even if they never got a chance to find out that their loved ones are now safe because of their deeds, they will always be remembered as heroes.

After I read the article, it took a while for me to swallow my tears at the sudden realization that I was still sitting in the office. But even as I resumed my daily office tasks, I couldn't help but feel greatly inspired to pay a little more attention to my own attitudes and priorities, especially in those times when I feel most compelled to be selfish. As much as most of us hate to admit it, life on earth is merely a moment in God's eternal spectrum, and we don't know if we, too, will someday encounter a unexpected situation in which, in a split second, life as we know it will come to an end. I'm not trying to be pessimistic, because I know that the end of this life is only the beginning of a new chapter in eternity. But I do want to be both realistic and ready, so that if such a situation arises, I, like those four brave men, will choose to be a hero.

07/15: Yesterday morning, I was greeted with a very touching surprise. Mom had told me previously that she needed me to set a little time aside to do her a favor, but that she couln't tell me what it was until it was time to do it. I was extremely curious, and also a little scared. The time finally came, and Mom led me upstairs to her room, where I found a chair with a tub of water in front of it. She told me to have a seat, then got on her knees with a towel and washed my feet.

"I can't let her do this", I immediately thought. All the teachings of both the Bible and my Asian culture about honoring parents that have been ingrained inside me since I was young left me with no doubt that my mother should not be performing such a humbling task for the son she has so faithfully raised for over 27 years. Mom explained that it was this week's assignment for the discipleship training class she is taking to wash someone's feet, and that was probably the only reason I didn't force her to stop. But deep inside, I knew I should be the one on my knees.

Mom finished washing and drying my feet, then led me beside her bed, where we knelt down to pray. She thanked God for always guiding me as I grew up, and asked Him to continue faithfully leading me according to His will. After we said "Amen", she remained on her knees with her eyes closed, and I knew she wanted me to say a prayer too. However, at that point I could not pray a single word - I knew that there was something I had to do first before being able to say a sincere prayer. I asked Mom if I had the honor of washing her feet too, then led her to the tub and got on my knees to do what she had just done for me.

Only after doing so was I able to proceed with my prayer. As I held Mom's hands while we knelt beside her bed, I asked God to humble me and teach me to stop thinking so much about myself all the time and learn to recognize her constant love for me and do my best to serve and honor her as a good son should. I prayed that, despite our busyness, we would not lose signt of our love for each other, our unity as a family, and most of all, our common faith. It had been a long time since I prayed so humbly and sincerely for my family, and I couldn't help but keep thinking about the acts of service we had just performed for each other and wonder what it is about foot-washing - a task that seems so distant from our culture today - that makes it such a prominent Biblical symbol of humility.

I immediately realized that back in Jesus' time, people walked on dirt paths, and their feet were naturally much dirtier than ours tend to be. Sometimes I get annoyed when I see people put their dirty feet on the couch, or wear muddy shoes into my car without at least trying to kick some of the mud off first. But what Jesus famously did for His disciples at the last supper was not only accept their dirty feet, but get down on his knees to wash them. Nowadays, we rarely have to intentionally wash our feet aside from showering. But in a sense, it makes it even more meaningful that we can wash other people's feet even when they aren't all that dirty, just to show our hearts of servanthood to them and ultimately to God who set the perfect example.

So how does Jesus' act of washing his disciples' feet fit with his identity as the son of God? As I prayed with Mom, and as tears flowed from our eyes, I finally began to understand. Just as Christ washed the disciples' feet, He is washing my feet every single day. Time after time, I choose tot get my feet dirty by running away from His guidance, choosing to place all kinds of things above Him and failing to meet His standard. Yet He reaches out His arms to me like the father of the prodigal son does, and rather than complain about the mess I've made, He embraces me with amazing grace and washes my feet over and over again with the power of the cross.

After washing the disciples' feet, Jesus said, "now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another's feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you" (John 13:14-15). Whether it's for my family, my friends, people I don't know, or even people I don't like, and whether it's through literally washing feet or performing other tasks of humble service, I have a responsibility to follow Jesus' perfect example, so that through my actions people can see the love of the God whom I serve.

07/13: "It's a free country". Most of us who grew up in America have probably used that phrase at some point during our childhood to justify doing or saying something unkind to our peers. Of course, as we grew older, we came to the unfortunate realization that most things in life simply aren't free, especially in this society that is so heavily driven by money and materialism. But it's always nice to stumble upon an exception once in a while. For all of us Asian-Americans out there, let's admit it - We love free stuff. Whatever it is, if it's free, we need to have it. And even if we don't need it, we can save it for use as a gift.

I definitely lean more toward the frugal side when it comes to spending money, knowing that a lot of small luxuries can easily add up to become a huge bill. That's why, even though I gladly spend money on enjoying meals or snacks with people I care about, I rarely treat myself to those things when I'm by myself - unless they're free. I proudly admit that I love free stuff - In my first year of college, I attended free movie screenings multiple times a week, then collected promotional posters (which were also free) and sold them on eBay. It's really more for the pleasure than for the money (people are paying me to watch movies!) - there's a very special kind of happiness that comes from obtaining things for free, and even if it means waiting in line for an hour just to get a scoop of ice cream, somehow I'm gladly willing to do it.

That brings me to the point of this entry. Some of you may know that there were several wonderful opportunities in these past few days to obtain free stuff. And I'm not talking about contests for free gifts, buy-one-get-one-free offers, or mail-in rebates - I mean completely, one-hundred-percent, every-penny-in-my-pocket-stays-in-my-pocket free. Let's begin with Wednesday. The date 7/11 happens to match the name of a popular chain store, which uses it every year as a chance to appreciate its customers with its most popular beverage. That's right, free Slurpees at 7-Eleven.

07/09: During my college years, I came to the incredible realization that every time people cross paths and become a part of each other's lives, it is a very special God-given opportunity to build a potentially life-changing relationship. I've always had a dream, fueled by many of my past struggles, to see my friends from different circles come together and befriend one another. First turned into reality with a goodbye party I organized at the end of my first year in college and increasingly reinforced over the years with the memorable Midnight Cafe gatherings in Hedrick Hall, that dream helped me to develop a love for organizing and hosting gatherings that bring people together to strengthen existing friendships and form new ones. Unfortunately, my Midnight Cafe days came to an end when I graduated from college, and most people would agree that once you're out of school it's much harder - sometimes almost impossible - to find an environment that facilitates relationship-building in a warm, dorm-like way and without a bunch of ulterior motives that easily creep in as we get older. But thankfully, one tradition that started more than half a decade ago and eventually became an annual event still remains - the big summer barbecue party.

I've already told many times the story of how Ken and I came to realize that his love for grilling and my love for hosting served as the perfect foundation for these parties. And there are few things in life that are more meaningful than giving your all for something you love. Ken is always eager to have more opportunities to improve his skills at the grills, even if it means being indescribably tired by the end of the night. And for me, I'm more than happy to spend countless hours cleaning, planning, organizing, preparing, and doing whatever it takes to make the party a success. I've learned more and more over the years that in order to truly make the party a success, I need to constantly keep it in prayer, even while I'm still planning and preparing. It's the only way I can maintain the right attitude, especially when the work that needs to be done starts to seem overwhelming. And it's the only way I can feel confident that I've done my best to use this party to achieve the dream that God placed in my heart, and that He will do His part as He sees fit.

I can't help but remember that it was because I wanted to invite Tiffany to last summer's barbecue party that we first had the chance to exchange numbers. Unfortunately, she was unable to make it because she already had other important plans by the time I set the date and called her to invite her. But this year, I was able to enjoy the party not only with her, but also with many of our mutual friends, including several brothers and sisters from BSF. Also at the party were several friends from UCLA and GCCI, many of whom I had not seen in a very long time. My words cannot describe the joy I felt upon seeing everybody come together to enjoy the evening as a big group.

Over the years, the "annual" barbecue parties have reflected many of the changes that took place in my life. When I struggled most with social acceptance, I often focused too much on the number of people coming that things became a little too chaotic. During the summer in which the "Time of Change" took place, the party was a very small gathering focused on quality more than anything else. This past year also brought about many changes, largely revolving around the people I chose to invite. One thing that had always been rather difficult when it comes to planning these parties is figuring out where to draw the line to maintain quality fellowship without unintentionally making anyone feel left out. But the way my social life has evolved in this past year made this task easier than ever before, and even though I was a little sad that there were some people I wanted to invite that I didn't get a chance to contact, not to mention others that I invited who could not make it, I really can't be any more content with the group of 30-something people that did show up.

07/04: Happy Independence Day! It's the weirdest feeling having a holiday on a Wednesday - It feels like the end of a weekend, and tomorrow will feel like a Monday until it actually hits me that the actual weekend has yet to come. Of course, I'm glad to have an extra day to prepare for the big party, not to mention enjoy another wonderful date night with Tiffany. I was quite surprised to realize that the majority of places I went to or passed by was open on a such a big holiday, and as the day progressed, I found myself starting to appreciate my job a lot more. I guess I've always more or less taken holidays for granted - whether it was when I was a student or when I was working as a tutor, there was no question that holidays were times to relax, rest, have fun, and not have to worry about school or work. Even now that I'm working in an office, it only seems right that I don't have to go to work on a major national holiday. But for hundreds of people at the stores or restaurants I visited throught the day, today was like any ordinary day - There was no time to rest at home, hang out with friends, or enjoy a fireworks show. It's always an amazing experience to realize that sometimes even the smallest things that we rarely take time to think about are actually huge blessings that are too often taken for granted. Last year's big barbecue party helped kick off an amazing summer of slowly realizing more and more just how blessed I am, and I believe that this year's will definitely be no exception. Can't wait to see everybody at the party on Saturday!

07/02: Random lunch break entry. It's been one heck of a crazy, busy, exciting weekend. To be honest, after that epic early birthday party, I really didn't expect anything more on my actual birthday. But I'm always thankful and surprised when people call or email me to say happy birthday, and I was blessed to be able to have several great conversations with friends who made the effort to let me know they thought of me. I got to enjoy an amazing all-you-can-eat lunch with my family at Golden Corral (a place everyone needs to go try), a delicious yogurt slush with Steph(Lin) in the evening, and a wonderful time at Coffeehouse at HOC. Oh, and I treated myself to a little birthday gift that required getting out of bed at 5AM(!) - a trip to good ol' Cars & Coffee. As always, I made myself a little "hit list" just for fun, but I was amazed that almost half the cars on the list actually got checked off - a 458 Spider, a Ferrari FF, a Countach, and McLaren Newport Beach's new chrome MP4-12C (not to mention the half-dozen other Mclarens that paraded into the lot together along with it). Actually, I had a specific reason for making the early-morning trip down to Irvine, and for once, it actually wasn't a car - There was a brand new weapon upgrade that I wanted a chance to test out-

07/01:

(Written Sunday, June 24)

This is one of those weekends that I wish could last forever. Even though I have to go to work tomorrow morning, I wouldn't mind giving up my precious sleep to stay up all night dwelling in the indescribable joy of realizing once again just how blessed I am. I'm writing this entry now, but will not actually post it until after next weekend, since I don't like to mention my birthday until after it passes. First, I don't want to draw unnecessary attention to myself by making people feel obligated to give me gifts or birthday wishes. Second, I want to give those who keep me in their hearts an opportunity to show their genuine love - a precious opportunity that gets taken away once I bring up the subject first. I've done this for as long as I can remember, and each year I have the great privilege of receiving a gift that all the money in the world can't buy - the confident knowledge that there are people in this world who remember me in their hearts and are willing to put in effort to express that they care, whether it's through a present, a card, a phone call, or even a simple online message.

This year, I had a feeling things might be a little different. First of all, it's the first year I get to celebrate my birthday with my girlfriend. Tiffany had known several months ago that she would be gone on the weekend of my birthday to attend a wedding in Canada, and after I told her not to worry despite her feeling bad about it, we agreed to celebrate the weekend in advance. Also, over the past several months I've come to know a group of very close friends, yet I never told some of them when my birthday was. I often organize gatherings and opportunities for us to hang out and make our relationships stronger, and I have told them well in advance about the big barbecue party I host every summer, usually around Independence Day. Yet even though my birthday falls on a Saturday this year, I purposely decided to push the party one week later for the same reasons mentioned above.

At last, the day had come for Tiffany and I to celebrate my birthday together. Because it was a week early, I didn't start to feel that childlike pre-birthday excitement yet that I don't think I will ever outgrow. Tiffany came over in the afternoon as planned, and we went to watch "Brave". (At last, I'm not completely falling behind in Disney/Pixar movies anymore!) Then we took a walk around the mall until it was time for dinner. I could sense that something was a little fishy, and had plenty of reasons to believe it. But when it comes to birthday celebrations, I never let myself jump ahead to any conclusions, even when we arrived at the parking lot of Korea House and I spotted a couple familiar cars while looking for a spot. Still, despite my suspicions, I was amazed that the surprise in store for me was much bigger than anything I even came close to imagining.

When Tiffany and I walked in the door, a group of about a dozen people were already at the restaurant ready to surprise me. It turned out she had been stressing over planning this party for several weeks, and she had invited friends that I knew for many years, friends that I met through her, and even friends I had not talked to for a very long time, all without me knowing. We enjoyed some amazing all-you-can-eat Korean BBQ, and when a few of us decided to top things off with some soju, the manager noticed our love for the Korean beverage and proceeded to give us a few shots of their delicious new soju cocktail on the house. We asked her what it was, only to receive her straight-faced response, "you don't want to know!" Good times, good times...

Then came the actual "birthday" part of the celebration. In all honesty, I cared much more about everyone having a good time than about drawing attention to the occasion that brought us there. And when half the lights in the restaurant suddenly turned off and the music stopped playing, it was only natural that I assumed there was some sort of power outage. (Otherwise I'm sure someone would have paid enough attention to mute the music after the chord progression ends properly! Or not...) Then I noticed from the corner of my eye the trio of cupcakes with a candle on top, and reality finally started to hit me.

The next thing I knew, the whole restaurant stopped what they were doing at the manager's powerful announcement that there was a birthday in the house, and everyone joined in a huge choir to sing the good ol' birthday song. The manager began some sort of public mini-interview with me, beginning with my name, followed by my age. Before I could get my mind together to come up a creative answer to that second question, she kindly shouted "seventeen!". After I proudly held up what was left of our bottle of soju for all to see, she quickly amended her guess by adding four more years. I can't wait to see the video that Esther recorded of the whole incident.

The end of dinner wasn't the end of the party. We migrated over to my house, where decorations had been put up in everybody's favorite blue & gold color scheme. (Apparently while Tiffany and I were at the mall, Mom had opened the door at home for a team of decorators to come in without me knowing!) At the center of the table was a wonderful tiramisu cake - one of my favorite flavors. A few more friends (who couldn't make it to dinner) came to join us then, and after taking lots of pictures, we ate the cake and enjoyed an amazing night of hanging out, chatting, and playing with Esther's Filipino karaoke machine.

Prior to partaking in the cake, Tiffany took some time to thank everyone for helping make her life so much easier, whether it's by helping to the decorations, easing her stress, giving her ideas, or simply being a part of the festivities. Then suddenly it was my turn to give a "speech". I was never good at public speaking, even in a casual setting, and at that moment I was really too shocked by all the amazing surprises to think straight. (Plus, the three shots of soju I had at the restaurant probably didn't help too much either). All I could think of then was to thank everyone for being there and for the time and effort they spent on planning everything. But after taking some more time to think about it, I realized there was much more I wanted to say that I didn't get a chance to.

Those who knew me when I was young probably know that I struggled a lot with finding social acceptance, and for many years I wished and prayed that someday I would meet a group of people that I can call my closest companions - people who accept me despite my craziness and all my flaws, who walk with me when I struggle and celebrate with me in times of joy, and who encourage, inspire, and motivate me to continue doing my best as I strive to live life as an act of worship to God. Over the course of the past year or so, I've become more confident than ever before that I've finally found what I'd wanted all my life. Sometimes I'm truly blown away by how much God is willing to pour out His blessings on me, even when I tell Him He's already blessed me with far more than I deserve. When Tiffany and I first became close friends last summer and eventually started dating, I really believed things couldn't get any better. But God blessed me with not "only" an amazing girlfriend that makes so many years of waiting worthwhile, but also an incredible group of friends that makes me feel blessed beyond description.

In a sense, last night's celebration was a pretty good summary of this past year of my life - a year full of surprises one after another. Of course, unlike the party, some of the surprises didn't make me very happy, and there were many moments when I found myself hurt, angry, discouraged, and feeling like things would never get better. But in my weaknesses, God has been strong. Whether it's gaining knowledge in my office job, learning to love Tiffany despite my lack of experience in dating, or facing all kinds of personal struggles, I have definitely grown by God's grace in ways I never thought were possible. And I'm glad to say that despite all the problems I face, they are unquestionably overshadowed by all the blessings He has poured out on me.

I know I'm not supposed to share birthday wishes out loud, but at this point I'm so overwhelmed by how blessed I am that there's really nothing more I want other than that God will continue to strenghthen my relationships with the people in my life, whether it's my loving and supportive family, my amazing girlfriend, or all of the wonderful friends that God has used to fulfill some of my heart's deepest desires. Surely God is the great author of every one of our life stories, and as we continue to play our irreplaceable roles in each other's lives, may God continue to write each of these stories according to His great and perfect will.