12/31: 2012 Reflections

Another year has come to an end, and normally this is a time for people to wrap things up and prepare for a new beginning. But to me, this moment feels neither like an ending nor a beginning. The past couple months have been increasingly hectic, and so far there is no end in sight for this chain of disasters that challenge my willingness to have faith that God is still in complete control.

With so much going on, I find it a little hard to look back and reflect. But doing so serves as a great reminder of the ways in which God has blessed me in this past year. In January, I made my decision to leave the church I grew up in after struggling for years and began a long explorational journey which involved a series of eight different church visits before finally committing to FEC San Gabriel Valley. My social life also evolved dramatically as several social circles I was actively involved in came together thanks to various activities, from singing worship songs to waking up early to go hiking, from eating delicious food to feeding the homeless.

Of course, I can't forget the significant impact that my relationship with Tiffany has had on my life. At the beginning of the year, we had only "officially" dated for over a month. Now we have already celebrated many milestones, from our first Valentine's Day together to our one-year anniversary, and our relationship has helped us both grow in ways we never thought were possible. I have come to understand more and more the humility and wisdom required for two different people to truly love each other, and it has shed light on many of my character flaws that I had previously not cared much about. Many times I was left with no choice but to fall on my knees and beg God for wisdom to deal with conflicts and problems, and looking back now, I'm truly amazed at how He has given us wisdom time after time to turn our struggles into opportunities to learn and grow.

I've always believed that when God brings two people together, the resulting couple is stronger than the two separate individuals. That's why I find it a little funny how, ever since I started dating, God has been throwing at me curveballs that I honestly don't know if I would be able to catch alone. Throughout this past year, I went through some of the most humiliating times of my life, experiences that I'm still too ashamed to share publicly. My optimism, patience, and faithfulness were greatly challenged, and during the many times that I failed, finding the strength to get back on my feet only increased the challenge.

I remember ten years ago when I looked back at the end of the year while sitting in my high school calculus class shortly before winter break. My heart was heavy upon the realization that it had been the most difficult year of my life up to that point. Everything that I held dear seemed to have fallen apart, and everything that I turned to for motivation seemed to have failed me. The way I feel right now is much like the way I felt at that time. Much of this past year has left me shattered, and these most recent few months have made me unable to dream in fear of more disappointment. From the sudden breaking of my computer and the crazy series of problems that followed to recent sudden changes in my family and my home that will significantly impact my daily life from now on, it seems like the problems will simply never cease. And when one problem is finally solved, another happens right away.

Over the past decade or so, I have come to see more and more that every stage of life comes with its own share of challenges, and that the only way to find hope in the midst of those challenges is to cling on to God's unchanging promises. If God is really sovereign and loves me as His child, then surely every challenge in my life happens only because He allows it to. People may view hardships as testing from God, temptation from the devil, the outcome of stupid choices, or simply the result of bad luck. But God is ultimately still in control, and He only allows hardships to happen because He has a good reason for doing so, even if the reason may be hard (or even impossible) to see at the moment.

Many times in this past year when I found myself trapped in doubt about God's intentions for letting my life be so difficult, three words popped up in my head - "Rise again stronger". Someday, I will rise again stronger than I am now. Someday, I will look back and see God's goodness in letting things happen the way they are now. I've always believed that God is the great author of all my life stories, both big and small. Looking back now, I can already see that this past year has definitely helped me grow stronger in many ways. Through personal hardships, I have become more thankful that there are people in my life who not only will walk with me through them, but are so faithful that they are willing to suffer with me. Through the journey of finding a new home church, I have gained knowledge about the importance of a spiritual family and my role in it. Through disagreements between Tiffany and me, I have learned countless lessons about how to face conflicts and difficult situations in ways that are beneficial to the relationship and glorifying to God. Of course, I have by no means mastered any of these things, and I believe the future will offer many more opportunities for me to continue growing in these areas. But what I have learned up to this point can already help me see my life from a much bigger perspective.

It's time to welcome another new year, and this is a great opportunity for me to give back to God the pen that I have taken away from Him time after time when things didn't go my way. Even though 2012 has been filled with challenges, looking back leaves me with no doubt that God is indeed still in control. Even when things were difficult, they were by no means accidental. When I take all the ups and all the downs of the past year and look at them as part of one big story, I realize that it is simply impossible for everything to have happened by mere chance. God is sovereign, and only by trusting in His sovereignty can I find strengh to embrace the new year. He alone knows where I will be and what my life will be like at this time next year. He alone knows what skies I will soar across and what valleys I will walk through. And the best thing is that He alone knows what's best in the long run, and that's exactly what He wants to give His children. I can pray and wish all day for immediate solutions to all my problems, but in the end there will only be more problems to face. Instead, I pray for faith and wisdom to find joy, hope, and peace in God's promises. May I do my best in this new year to let every laugh be a celebration of His goodness and every tear be an opportunity to rise again stronger, through it all giving glory to the One who is sovereign over all things.

12/24: A Tearful Christmas

The pastor at my church began preaching sermons related to Christmas several weeks ago, reminding us what the holiday season is really about. A week ago, we had a special Christmas service consisting of music, videos, food, activities, and testimonies. Whether based on a religious perspective or a secular one, Christmas is a time of joyful celebration. Most of the people who attended our Christmas service probably expected to sing familiar carols and hear a sermon about the birth of baby Jesus, and we definitely did those things. But what we probably didn't expect was that throughout the service there were many tears that fell from people's eyes.

One sister cried as she shared how grateful she is for the support of our church community despite having gone through a very rough year. Another cried as she shared the joy of her husband finally coming to church with her after refusing to do so for a very long time. Whether the tears were those of joy or those of sorrow, there is no doubt they came as the result of some extremely difficult journeys. I cried when we observed a moment of silence for the children who were killed at Sandy Hook Elementary School, then watched our own children perform a set of beautiful Christmas songs. It broke my heart that young children like those standing on stage had been killed, and that parents like those sitting in our congregation would forever remember the holiday season as a time of mourning.

We live in a broken world, and as much as we often like to give the impression that we have it all together, the truth is that we've all been hurt before in one way or another. Many of those hurts may remain hidden and unspoken, but still have a frighteningly big impact on our everyday lives. While I know without doubt that there are countless people whose lives are far more difficult than mine, I won't deny that I've experienced what it feels like to be so hurt and so angry that I want to hurt others just so I don't feel alone in my pain. And as I see one news report after another of people so eager to release their merciless anger on family members, innocent children, and even brave firefighters, I can't help but believe that for many people, this most joyous time of the year only serves to emphasize the great gap between how they "should" feel and how they actually feel, reminding them of how much pain rests deep inside their hearts.

It's past midnight on Christmas Eve, and I just returned home from the hospital, where Grandma is currently staying. After a busy week of celebrating her glorious 90th birthday with a family reunion, a fancy dinner, and an elaborate surprise party for many of her friends, she ended up passing out at church yesterday morning and getting sent to the emergency room. Thankfully, she is now fully conscious and in stable condition, and she could be returning home in a few days. In the mean time, we are all taking turns going to the hospital and staying by her side. Needless to say, there isn't going to be a lot of celebrating this Christmas. The big Christmas Eve dinner for my family and relatives was cancelled, and the only gifts we really want are for Grandma to be in good health and for our family members to continue to be there to love and support each other.

The many tragedies that have taken place in the past several weeks, both in the lives of people around me and in the lives of those across the nation, have served as a great reminder that Christmas really isn't about gifts and parties. But until yesterday I had no idea that I, too, would be among the many who must put aside holiday festivities in favor of more serious issues. And I can only imagine what it must be like for those who will spend Christmas worrying about earning enough money to survive, struggling to rebuild their lives after natural disasters, or mourning over the deaths of their innocent children.

As I walked out of the hospital after visiting Grandma, I smiled at the nurses and receptionists, wishing them a good night and a Merry Christmas. I can't help but wonder what it must be like to spend Christmas Eve not only working and away from home, but also dealing with helpless patients and listening to the sounds of ambulance sirens all night long. Somehow, they were all smiling too, and as they also wished me a Merry Christmas, I was reminded that despite difficult present circumstances, there can still be joy.

As we celebrate this Christmas knowing that many across the world are suffering, let us not forget that the very first Christmas was also a tearful one. Jesus came to earth as a human baby, experiencing human emotions and crying human tears. Soon, King Herod became so infuriated by the idea of a king greater than himself that he gave orders to slaughter every baby in the vicinity two years old and under. The tears cried by the parents who lost their children in that genocide were not much different from those cried by the parents whose children were recently killed in the Sandy Hook shooting. Despite being two thousand years apart, these two tragic events, along with countless disasters that have haunted mankind over the past centuries, show that the root of corruption is not guns, bombs, flawed government policies, or technological deficiencies, but rather the sinful and selfish nature that has plagued the human heart since the time of Adam and Eve.

But thankfully, there is hope. In fact, if this world were perfect, then there would be no need for Christmas at all. "Joy to the world, the Lord is come". Even in a society that pushes so hard to abolish formerly acceptable Christian traditions in favor of religious equality, I still hear the familiar tune played occasionally at restaurants and shops. And it serves as a great reminder that even in an increasingly corrupt and broken world, the gospel is still a message filled with joy and hope. God didn't send Jesus to live in a perfect world, but rather to set an example and die for sinners. He didn't give up on this corrupt world, but responded to sin with the greatest act of love in history. The baby born in a humble manger on the first Christmas Eve grew to not only live a perfect human life, but also die an innocent death. He suffered unimaginable torture despite being sinless, bearing the punishment meant for sinners like us so that we can be forgiven and made righteous and acceptable to God. As believers, we can now have peace, despite living in a broken world, that we will spend eternity with Him in paradise, where all of the fears, worries, and hurts in this world will cease to exist. That's the greatest Christmas gift ever given, and there is nothing we can ever do to outgive Him.

Even as an adult, I still wake up on Christmas morning feeling a childlike excitement, and I don't think I can ever outgrow that feeling. But I must remember that despite all the shopping, all the decorations, all the music, and all the activities leading up to this day, in the end it's still just a day, complete with its share of problems. Once Christmas is over, all of the festivities will come to an end. The elaborate decorations will be taken down, the music will be silenced, and even the gifts will eventually grow old. But the true joy and hope of Christmas is one that should be celebrated not just on December 25, but every day of the year. I wish and pray that as we celebrate Christmas this year, we will not only be aware of the brokenness of this world, but also rejoice over the true reason for Christmas, which wipes away even the most painful tears and replaces them with everlasting hope and peace.

12/17: The journey continues. After facing problem after problem, I'm at the point where I have literally no expectations anymore. My computer works fine, but the process of getting all my software/equipment to work has been nothing short of a disaster, and at this point I'm still far from where I need to be. God has been very gracious, bringing people beside me to talk to me, pray for me, and comfort me, and it has really helped ease my frustration. I trust that God is still in control, but I just find it hard to believe that a process that could take just a few days has been prolonged for almost three months, and that my attempts to do what I believe is right and pleasing to Him have only led to even more problems.

It's really strange how everything on my new computer that is for entertainment purposes (internet browsing, video editing programs for YouTube, video-chatting, etc.) has been working perfectly fine, but what I feel is most important - working on music projects - has been the source of all my problems. If it weren't for my desire to continue advancing the musical abilities that God has blessed me with and given me a clear calling toward in college, I wouldn't have justified spending the extra money to get an iMac instead of a PC. And even though I had purposely planned to set apart some additional money for unexpected upgrade requirements (since my old computer was six years old and some of my equipment is even older), the situation right now is simply ridiculous.

I'm one of the few people I know who struggle more with saving too much money than with spending too much money. But even so, my recent series of purchases (which ultimately seem to be for personal pleasure more than anything else) have already been far more than reasonable, and I've already been forced to set an absolute maximum that I can spend on myself for computer- and music- related upgrades. And with the way things are looking now, that maximum will definitely not be enough.

To be completely honest, I feel so bad about having already spent so much on myself that I'd much rather take the additional money needed to complete my upgrades (assuming no more unexpected problems arise) and give it to someone more needy than spend it on my own pleasure. The only ways for me to justify any additional personal spending are either as a significant ministry need or as a business expense. And so far, neither justification is true. I don't want to ask for anything other than what should be rightfully mine, and only God can be the fair and all-knowing judge. For now, all I can do is wait, pray, and do my best not to go crazy.

12/16: The recent chain of shootings, lockdowns, and other threats to public safety have undoubtedly impacted millions of people at both a personal and a national level. Even though I admit to being rather cold-hearted at times, the thought of innocent children being randomly shot to death by a madman brings tears to my eyes and prompts me to consider just how dangerous and unpredictable this world can be. I had several conversations this weekend in which I shared my thoughts and feelings toward the Connecticut tragedy with others. Some suggested home-schooling children, finding schools with better security, or living in districts with lower crime rates - Solutions that should help decrease the chances of having to face similar problems. But I still can't help but question - Can they actually guarantee the feeling of peace and security that millions of people are hoping for now more than ever before?

As much as we hate to admit it, this world is a crazy and dangerous place. Random killing sprees take place not only in public settings like schools, shopping centers, and movie theatres, but also in front of people's own homes. I confess that as someone blessed to live in a rather sheltered neighborhood, sometimes these problems can seem a bit distant. But after last week's lockdowns at Cal State Fullerton and Fashion Island, both of which are located in areas not only close to home but also not typically associated with public safety threats, I now see that the dangers of this world are not that far away from me after all. And I admit it's a bit scary to think that with countless potential disasters that are completely beyond my control, from robberies to mass shootings, from car crashes to health failures, from earthquakes and hurricanes to gas pipe explosions that blow up entire neighborhoods in a split second, there is really no place in this world that can make me feel completely safe.

It makes me much more thankful, then, that I've given my life to the God who alone can provide true hope, joy, and peace. In all honesty, if it weren't for Jesus, I would really be tempted to just jump off a cliff and get out of this dangerous world. After all, without Jesus my only options would be to either unrealistically ignore the dangers of the world or live in constant fear. And in response to that fear, I can only either allow it to smash me down or stand up and fight against it, which will eventually result in even more fear. We can do our best as humans to make this world a better place, and that's definitely a good thing. But in the end, nothing and no one in this world can fully solve the root of the problem.

Suddenly I find myself heartbroken at the thought that people - even people close to my own heart - intentionally choose to live apart from the unfathomable blessings of being a Christian, assuming (often based on false impressions left by flawed believers including myself) that the faith is narrow-minded, characterized by a bunch of rules, or simply unnecessary or unimportant. I recently heard an unbeliever casually say to a believer that even if one of them goes to hell and the other to heaven, at least they will still be able to see each other. What a tragic confession it is to acknowledge the possible existence of eternal separation from God and be content with it! Regardless of belief, we are all imperfect people contributing to an imperfect world, prone to making mistakes and hurting others both intentionally and unintentionally. The biggest problem in this world is not crime, murder, political corruption, or economic instability, but rather sin, from which all other imperfections stem. God, the only One who is perfect and has the full right to condemn sinners, not only acknowledged the problem of sin, but chose to respond in love by sending Jesus to live a perfect life and die the most excruciating death, bearing the punishment for our sins so we can have the joy of salvation that gives us true hope and peace even in this broken world.

When God described the promised land to Abram, He told him to walk through its entire expanse (Genesis 13:17). When Jesus appeared to his disciples after his resurrection, he told Thomas to reach out and touch his nail-pierced wounds (John 20:27). Christianity is not an intangible state of mind or an untouchable hologram, but rather a lifestyle that is no less physical as it is spiritual. And I can't help but challenge myself by asking, "how much do I really believe in God, in heaven, in hell, and in the great joy, hope, and peace of salvation?" If I know a guaranteed cure for cancer, it would be morally wrong of me to keep it to myself and let thousands of people die from it every day. With that in mind, it's tragic how often I live my daily life without acknowledging that God has blessed me (and all other believers) with the solution to the great problem of sin that millions of people desperately need a cure for. I wish and pray for wisdom and courage to step out of my comfort zone and share the priceless gift of life through the great news of Jesus Christ with the people God placed in my life that have not yet received it, so that together we can share in the peace that transcends the fears and worries of this world and the great joy of knowing that we will one day be in paradise forever.

12/13: This morning I tried logging into an old email address that I haven't used in a couple months, and was unexpectedly greeted with one of those pop-up messages asking me to input a string of randomly generated alphanumeric characters as an added security measure. I entered the code successfully, only to be greeted by another prompt asking for the location of my honeymoon. Did I even choose that question!? I've never been married, not to mention gone on a honeymoon. And because I failed to remember my answer, my account is now blocked for 12 hours.

This brings to mind something that has always bothered me. Why, in this "free country", do we not even have the freedom to choose the level of security imposed on our own digital accounts? More and more, password security is being tightened. Almost all logins now mandate a minimum length and the use of both letters and numbers. Some even require punctuation marks or symbols. Recently, I encountered one that requires numbers plus letters in both uppercase and lowercase. Why must they force me to type like an Asian girl in junior high?

The problem is that every individual system has its own set of standards that its users are forced to comply with, inevitably leading to situations when we have so many different passwords and security questions that we end up forgetting them and getting shut out of our own lives. I've already adapted to using various passwords and security questions for different logins, but even so, I find myself in situations where I'm forced to choose something I know I'll eventually forget. That's probably what led me to choose the question about the honeymoon I've never actually gone on, which is now banning me from my own email address even though I entered both my username and password perfectly.

So why must this limitation of freedom be imposed on everyone? I believe it's because people nowdays are so prone to selling themselves as slaves to anything that can save a few milliseconds of their time, without considering what is being put at risk as a result. Simply put, this is a world full of idiots, and technology is shifting its target market with that fact in mind. There are people who will ram their car into a wall because the GPS told them to turn toward it, then sue the GPS company for the error. Being an idiot has its consequences, but the problem is that our legal system encourages people (both idiots and non-idiots) to respond to problems by shifting the blame rather than taking responsibility. Sure, it's nice to require a strict login procedure for highly confidential or valuable things like bank accounts. But for heaven's sake, this is just a plain old email account - a free email account used to collect junk mail. If I purposely choose "password" as my password, I should be held responsible for the consequences of my choice. But the bottom line is that it should be my choice, not anyone else's.

With all that in mind, I can't help but reminisce a little about the good ol' days when technology had not yet take over the world, and login passwords could be whatever the heck the user wanted them to be. In my high school computer programming class, I taunted the guy sitting next to me by showing him that my password was only a single character (denoted by an asterick), then pressing "Enter" to login successfully. He spent the rest of the class trying to guess my password, testing all the letters (in both uppercase and lowercase), then all the numbers, then all the symbols shown on the keyboard. None of them worked. He never figured it out, and for the rest of the school year, I continued happily logging in to my account every day using my single-character password - "ñ".

12/12: It has been one heck of an adventure in these past couple months. The journey isn't over yet, but if things continue to go as smoothly as they are right now, the end shouldn't be very far away. The new iMac has been successfully set up, with both operating systems working flawlessly as of Monday night (thanks to Ben's help). I ended up having things set up a little differently than I had originally planned, a decision that simplifies the setup process, makes the computer more stable, and brings me much closer to current technology. The only downside is that I'll have a little learning to do before I can perform all my routine tasks at acceptable speed. But I'm sure the transition process will be short, and it will only be beneficial in the long run.

Almost all of my free time at home this week is given to crossing items off the long checklist of things to install, download, and configure. So far, everything is looking good. My plan is to "test" the computer for about a week, using it regularly to make sure there are no initial hardware issues (since it's a refurbished machine after all). Then the ark will come to rest, the campers will return home, and I will finally have a fully functioning computer in my room again.

12/10: A few weeks ago, I was walking back to my office building after lunch break when I noticed a woman walking from the other direction headed for the same entrance. She didn't seem to notice me, and she had a rather serious expression on her face. I slowed down a bit, allowing her to arrive at the door and go inside the lobby first without that awkwardness of tempting her to hold the door for me when I'm still a few feet away. A few seconds later, I went inside too, and noticed the elevator door being held open from inside. I continued to mind my own business, walking at a leisurely pace down the lobby, until finally the woman called out to me from the elevator, kindly asking if I was also going up. I smiled and said no, since my office is on the first floor. She smiled too, and after I thanked her, the elevator door closed and we went our separate ways.

It's really amazing how a small act of kindness can leave such a strong impression on someone. I had made the mistake of judging her by her appearance, assuming that she was self-absorbed and unfriendly, and keeping a distance to avoid any kind of social contact. But in reality, she not only noticed me, but also made the effort to show that she cared, even though I was a stranger who may never cross paths with her again.

Expression of kindness is definitely a gift from God. I often remind Tiffany that God has blessed her in this area, and she often encourages me by setting a great example for me to follow. When we go out to eat, we try to have friendly conversations with the waiters and waitresses rather than simply expecting them to serve us. We also try to pay attention to the needs of people around us, even though we may not even know their names. And in the end, we find ourselves no less blessed than they are.

On Saturday, Tiffany and I went to Macaroni Grill to celebrate our 13-month anniversary. (Even after a year, every month still counts!) The waitress asked if we were there for a birthday so she could sing a song for us. I jokingly told her that I could lie and say it's my birthday. When we informed her that we were celebrating our anniversary, she gladly offered to sing for us anyway, and did so as we enjoyed a complimentary cake. Her voice shattered every stereotype that waitressing is for the unskilled; she sang as beautifully as anyone I've heard while majoring in music, and did so with so much emotion that for a moment I completely forgot we were in a restaurant. Regardless of her pay or her position, the genuine decision to pour out her heart to serve strangers simply could not have been forced. She was enjoying every moment, even though it was "work". And even though Tiffany and I have gone to far more upscale restaurants for past anniversaries, what she did for us made this anniversary dinner one of our most memorable.

I guess my point, other than to share my recent experiences with the world, is that genuine acts of kindness, whether big or small, can truly make someone's day. I don't know if the woman in my office building and the waitress at Macaroni Grill are Christians, but I know that as one who believes in God's love and the great joy that accompanies it, it's important that I do my best to share that joy with others. After all, joy is truly contagious, and it doesn't hurt to put a few more smiles on people's faces, especially around the holiday season.

12/07: Wow, truly unbelievable. I'm still trying hard to swallow my excitement and keep my expectations from getting too high until everything is settled down. But so far, things are looking surprisingly good. Yesterday when I got home from work, I received an email from Apple telling me my new computer was available for pickup at the Brea store. The original ETA was next Monday (12/10), and because I had never ordered anything online from Apple before, I had no idea whether or not I could trust the estimate. It's always nice for products to arrive sooner than expected, but the fact that my computer became available in less than half the expected time was simply mind-blowing. A part of me didn't even believe it was actually true until I went to the Apple store and actually picked up the computer.

12/06: As fun as it is to go to organized car shows/meets, sometimes the best moments in car spotting are the most spontaneous ones, with no planning, no research, and no prior knowledge or expectation, but only luck (or God's kindness) that brings me to the right place at the right time. Not too long ago, I had some time to kill after work and decided to go for a quick impromptu spotting session. I won't disclose the exact date or location for now, but I will describe what I saw - a trailer with a GT-R about to be unloaded from it.

Yes, it was "just" a GT-R. At first, I wasn't even sure if I wanted to make the effort to get a closer look, since the place was pitch black and I couldn't even tell what color the car was. All I recognized was the faint GT-R-shaped silhouette, complete with a ridiculously big wing. That wing was what kept my attention. Was this a street car or a race car? Either way, the huge wing told me it definintely ain't stock, and even though I couldn't see a thing, I knew that suped-up GT-R's are always a nice treat.

Then the driver started up the beast. Oh. My. God! This was definitely a race car, or at the very least a street car designed to piss off neighbors and set off their cars' alarms. This was not my first time shooting videos at night, but this was my first time shooting in which, even as I stood about two feet away from the car, I couldn't see a thing because it was so friggin' dark. It was definitely a very trippy experience; from behind the car, all I saw were four red circles when the brakes were applied, followed by a huge cloud of red smoke (lit up by the glow of the brake lights) as the monster roared to life.

It wasn't until the GT-R made it to the dimly lit street that I finally confirmed its color - Matte blue(!). Still, the car was barely visible, even as it drove right past me. There was, however, enough light for me to catch a few other details. This Godzilla had possibly the wildest-looking bodykit on the planet, unlike anything I had seen before both in person and in pictures. A few seconds later, it was gone, leaving me only a few hard-to-see video clips to identify it by.

My curiousity was unquenchable, and I was quite surprised when some research actually led me to identify the bodykit - a full widebody package even more radical than I had imagined based on what I saw. Given the rarity of the kit and the matte blue color, there was little doubt this was a very special one-off project.

But whose car is it, and what is this project for? After a little more research, I made an unbelievable discovery - This is the exact same car being used in the filming of Fast and Furious 6, caught almost half a year before the movie's release next year.

Talk about being at the right place at the right time! By now, so much precious stuff has accumulated on my camera that I'm almost a little scared to carry it around. Hopefully my new computer will arrive on schedule and the process of installing everything will go smoothly, so I can share this priceless footage with the world!

12/04: I'm still somewhat in shock that there's finally some light at the end of this incredibly long tunnel. All through last month, I waited patiently for Apple to announce the actual release date of the new iMac, planning to use the announcement as a cue for my purchase of a refurbished 2011 model. (See 10/29 entry). The Apple website only said "Coming in November", and as the month progressed, rumors began to spread of possible delays until next year, especially after the Thanksgiving holiday shopping season passed without any news. I had confidence that such a big and influential company would not fail to keep their website updated, so I knew all along that an announcement would be made before the end of the month - either that the new computer is available, or that it is delayed.

The announcement finally came about a week ago, with the official release date of the 21.5" model set for Friday (11/30), just in time to protect the validity of the "Coming in November" claim that many had become skeptical about. I immediately proceeded with preparing for my purchase (of the refurbished model), but was greeted with the latest in a series of unpleasant surprises that plagued this journey - the refurbished 21.5" iMac was no longer available on the Apple website!

Thankfully, a conversation with a customer service rep the following day confirmed that the computer I want was not discontinued from the refurbished program, but simply out of stock. A little research led me to conclude that Apple's refurbished inventory updates are completely spontaneous and subject to fluctuation based on product availability. Even though the certified refurbished program is not extremely well-known, I realized that getting a high-demand product like the computer I want may still require not only a long and unpredictable wait, but also an intense battle with time.

From then on, I began to check the Apple website religiously every day. I also found a cool site that tracks live updates of the refurbished website, allowing me to see when the inventory is updated and how many of each item are available. By Friday night, there was still no update in the iMac section.

Fast forward to Sunday night when I returned home from the Auto Show. I checked the tracking website and discovered that a batch of refurbished iMacs had just been added to the inventory... and were all sold out already. Of all the times to update after being silent for almost a week, why a Sunday afternoon? Who the heck was working in the warehouse on a Sunday anyway? Either way, I had missed my chance by just a few hours. Time to go back to waiting indefinitely.

Yesterday morning before going to work, I checked again - No update. But I did what I could and prepared myself for battle. My credit card was ready, and I ran through the purchase procedure several times to make sure I knew exactly what buttons to click and what options to choose. It was like a last-second eBay bidding war - You do the best you can as fast as you can, pray hard, and hope for the best, not knowing how many people are fighting for the exact same thing you are.

I finished my work in the office at around 4:40PM, and with some time to spare before going home, I decided to check on Apple. That's when I discovered it was time for battle - A new batch of about 60 refurbished 21.5" iMacs had just been made available for sale. I decided to behave myself and wait until I returned home from work to make the purchase. But ten minutes later, I couldn't resist the urge to check the status again. Only about 50 iMacs were left.

Oh, the stress! At 5:00 sharp, I grabbed my bag and left the office. And the moment I got home, I went on the Apple website and made my purchase. It all seemed surreal - The moment I had waited so long for (and literally dreamt about at night several times), suddenly actually happening before my eyes. I made the final click to submit my order, and when the message popped up confirming that the transaction had been made, I couldn't help but fall on my knees with a huge sigh of relief and praise God. I checked the inventory again this morning just for the heck of it - All the iMacs from yesterday are already gone.

If everything goes as planned, I should be able to pick up my "new" computer from the Brea Apple store in about a week. Of course, given how many surprises I was greeted with in the past couple months, the only thing I can really expect is for the unexpected to happen. I really wish that from this point on, things will go smoothly, but I know that the arrival of my computer will only be the beginning of a new set of adventures - Installing all my stuff, troubleshooting millions of problems, and getting caught up with everything that I've fallen behind on in these past few months. And only God knows how long all that is going to take. As hard as it is to admit, He really knows what's best, and there really is no better option than to trust Him.

12/03: Oh, the irony of it all. I love cars so much, yet hate them so much at the same time. They offer so much fun and freedom, but also require so much stress and responsibility. One thing I loved most about my life at UCLA was the freedom of worry-free travel. With only a scooter to carry me around, the only thing preventing me from exploring the world was my own physical limitations. No one could stop me except myself, and I travelled as far as I could and as fast as I could until I was out of strength to continue.

Driving a car, however, is a whole different story. Yes, I can travel much greater distances. But doing so comes with all kinds of worries. First, gas ain't exactly cheap, and there are also the inevitable maintenance and repair costs that add up little by little as the car's mileage increases. Then there are all the obstacles that often come between me and my destination - traffic jams, road hazards, idiot drivers, brainless pedestrians, and of course, cops. Simply put, there are far too many rules, regulations, and unpredictable circumstances to really call it freedom.

Thankfully, there's another solution. Yesterday, I went to the LA Auto Show as I do every year. When I was a kid, my mom would drive me there. Then when I was old enough, I would drive there myself. And God, I hate driving in Downtown LA. All of the hazards I mentioned above tend to be present, often at the same time. Plus there are those hard-to-navigate one-way streets and impossibly high parking prices. Parking at the Convention Center is $15, and on busy days I've seen workers stand at the entrance forcing people to pay almost twice as much. What can the poor customers do?

This year, I decided to explore a new option. Enter the Metro system. I first discovered the Metro when Priscilla recommended it to Tiffany and I upon hearing that we were going to the Long Beach Aquarium. (There's so much I want to share about that day, but I'll wait until I get my new computer so I can include pictures). Five bucks can buy you a day pass, which allows you to take any Metro bus/train wherever the heck you want to go, without paying an additional penny. You just sit there, relax, and let the world around you worry about itself.

My journey to the Convention Center required none other than driving to the El Monte Station (parking is free!) and feeding a five-dollar-bill to the machine on the bus. The bus even has its own lane on the freeway, so the trip only took about half an hour. I admit it was a bit scary realizing that I was stuck in the middle of Downtown LA without a car. But after a while, that fear was overshadowed by freedom.

As with the past gazillion times I went to the LA Auto Show, the candid spotting adventure outside the show (which I often enjoy more than the show itself) was hindred by rain. But at least the rain was light and not consistent, so I was able to keep my new camera dry. And the turnout really wasn't bad. One dude had the courage to drive his Elise in bad weather, and another wasn't afraid to show off his brand-spankin'-new Phantom Drophead Coupe, with what appears to be a custom-made (glass or crystal?) Spirit of Ecstasy. That car costs half a million dollars - more than many of the manufacturers' entire displays at the Auto Show. And that price doesn't include the custom lady. I think I'd much rather take the Metro than drive something this flashy in the middle of Downtown L.A.

At the end of the day, it was time to catch the bus to head home. Suddenly, an interesting idea hit me. Technically, if I wanted to, I could go straight to Universal Studios, or Pasadena, or Beverly Hills, or Long Beach, or anywhere else the Metro can take me, simply by hopping on the right buses/trains and presenting my handy little card with the pre-paid day pass. And I don't have to give a schmuck about traffic jams, gas prices, parking prices, or even additional bus fees. No wonder I had such a great time during my college years! Sure, L.A.'s public transportation system may not be the most convenient in the world, but it's a shame that so many people haven't discovered its benefits. As for me, I'm definitely going to continue enjoying the Metro system, using it to explore L.A. with more freedom than I ever thought was possible.

11/25: Happy (belated) Thanksgiving. One thing I'm definitely thankful for is this nice long weekend to get out of my busy everyday routine. Even though I had work on Friday morning, it was only for half the day, so it didn't feel like I had spent the entire day in the office. And with all kinds of other festivities throughout these past four days, including two Thanksgiving parties ("clubbing" with Tiffany's family and dinner with my relatives), I couldn't help but let that good ol' holiday spirit sink into me a little. Plus, Tiffany and I attended two weddings in these past two weekends. There's something about weddings that always amazes me; I guess the whole idea of a lifelong unconditional commitment to someone is just such a powerful expression of love that I can't help but be moved to tears (which can sometimes be a problem when I'm playing piano).

In recent years, I've come to see more and more that whoever decided to place Thanksgiving before Christmas is truly a genius. It's impossible to fully celebrate Christmas without an attitude of thanksgiving, simply because a heart of gratitude is a crucial element of worship. However, after certain events that have taken place around this time in these past few years, the holiday-season atmosphere that I have always loved as a kid now strikes me with a small strange feeling of fear and emptiness that makes it much more difficult for me to be thankful. I guess it's perfectly normal for life to have its cycles of ups and downs. And in these past few weeks, I've definitely been walking in a valley, unsure of when and how I'll find a way to climb back up to ground level.

The details of everything that has shoved me down this low really don't matter too much now. A combination of stupidity and bad luck sparked a series of problems that escalated over the past few weeks, making me feel like the entire world is against me. What really matters right now is that I've really come to see just how stubborn I can be sometimes. Like a little child insisting on his own will against his parents' instruction, I not only reject God's discipline, but intentionally fight back believing that I know what's best and can ultimately force Him to accept my way. It really comes down to a huge battle between faith and flesh. Deep inside, I know that God is sovereign and loves me too much to abandon me. I also know that by shaking my fist at Him I'll only end up in more trouble than I would if I just stop complaining and trust Him. But somehow, I shoved all that reasoning aside, and even though my decisions have ended up making things much worse than they already were, I'm still not ready to give up the fight.

There's a dilemma that has been on my mind for a very long time. Why can't God just put me through one of those huge catastrophic disasters that humbles me to a point where I have no choice but to give up my pride and trust Him? It seems like He usually prefers to use a more gradual approach on me, allowing me to go through slowly escalating hardships. The problem is that those hardships are painful, but at the same time not enough to completely crush me, so I end up seizing the strength I still have to fight back.

Last week, Tiffany came over one night to cheer me up. Even though it doesn't actually change things, it really helped me shift my attitude a little - something that can definitely make a big difference. I'm still feeling very negative and ungrateful about everything, but I'm starting to accept God's sovereignty over my present life a little more than I did before. It's really funny how that works - Even though Tiffany and I sometimes contribute to each other's frustrations, having each other there during hard times is truly a blessing. And if there's one lesson I've already learned from being in this valley, it is that walking together through hardships definitely makes a relationship stronger.

I'm starting to see more and more just how stupid this fight really is. Deep inside, I want to worship God. I want to sing songs of praise and tell Him how thankful I am for all the blessings He has poured out on me. But at the same time, I refuse to let myself do so. And when my heart cries out to God, I force it to shut up so I can continue to suffer in both faith and flesh. In the end, it's my own loss, and I knew from the beginning that it would be my own loss. Yet I'm just too stubborn to turn around. When will I finally learn? How long will this go on, and how much more damage will result? God only knows. Even when I'm fighting back, somehow, as crazy as it seems, He's still in control. I remember learing at church earlier this year that hardships should be viewed as opportunities for God's blessing and demonstrations of His purpose. Maybe it's time to try putting that to practice again.

11/07: I can never forget that long drive to Tiffany's house on the night we met up for dinner to discuss the potential of our relationship. It wasn't long because of traffic on the 605 Freeway, but because there was so much uncertainty ahead of me that was beyond my control. I never really liked the idea of guys forcing girls to enter a relationship with them by guilt, pity, or excessive charm. I wanted to be real, and I wanted Tiffany to be real too. But we both knew that the decision ahead of us was one that could forever change our lives.

After a couple days of joy, tears, and hours of honest conversations upon our confession of our feelings toward one another, I was certain that my own wisdom, tainted by my imperfection, was insufficient for such an important decision. During the long drive, I listened to songs of praise, occasionally singing along. Sometimes I turned off the music and prayed. And it definitely wasn't the typical serene, eyes-closed, on-my-knees-before-bedtime kind of prayer. The people in the cars next to me probably thought I was going insane, screaming like a heavy metal band leader with nobody sitting next to me. I desperately needed God to help me to trust Him and not go crazy as the overwhelming anxiety continued to grow.

Then I arrived at her house. Before stepping out of the car to meet her, I took a deep breath and said one last verbal prayer. It was a prayer that had changed my life in college and continues to impact me today. "God, take the pen. Write this story according to Your will".

That was the night Tiffany and I decided that our relationship was indeed worth pursuing. And after two months of getting to know each other better, we made our relationship official and public. As hard as it is to believe, it has already been a whole year since we began dating. And looking back at this past year, I'm truly blown away by how amazing this story is.

I've always believed that in most cases it's very difficult to discern God's will unless you've done your part. Tiffany and I waited, took the time to get to know each other better, did everything possible to check our hearts and our motives, and entrusted the potential of our relationship to God. That's why I can say with confidence that it was God who allowed our lives to cross paths and paved the way for us to get to know each other better and eventually become more than friends. But even so, I had many doubts and fears. First of all, after 26 years without ever being in a dating relationship, I lacked a lot of knowledge and experience that seem basic to most people. Also, we were both very busy with work, church, and other activities, and as a student she was concerned about both focusing on school and figuring out her future. Lastly, as most people who know us can clearly see, we're two very different people, and there was no doubt that our relationship would bring out a lot of rough edges that need to be smoothed out.

We both believe that falling in love and being in a relationship isn't an automatic "happily ever after", but rather a gradual process of growing together and learning to love each other. I was very worried in the beginning that, after our "honeymoon phase", I would lack the determination and wisdom to keep our relationship exciting and meaningful. But God blessed me with a great reminder - Is He not the God who has written countless exciting stories in the Bible? And is He not the God who brought us together and is sovereign over all things? The Bible couldn't have said it any more clearly - "God is Love" (1 John 4:8). True love comes from Him alone, so what better choice than to trust Him to lead the way? Tiffany and I have attended many Bible studies and church activities together, and during the summer we decided to do our own Bible study, which helped us maintain our focus on God when BSF was not in session. We often remind each other of the importance of prayer, whether it's for ourselves, for each other, or for the people around us. Despite our many differences, the most important thing that holds us together is our common faith, and it is by trusting in God's goodness and constant provision that we have come to see the true "happily ever after" of His incredible authorship.

Tiffany and I both believe that loving each other involves also loving the people closest to each other. We both value the importance of family, and I'm very thankful that from the beginning we were both well accepted in each other's homes. Also, from the very beginning our individual friendship circles have meshed together very well, embracing not only our relationship but also each other's friends. I know that a relationship isn't about seeking the approval of others, but I must admit it makes a tremendous difference to have people by our side to support us and walk with us. Their presence serves as a constant reminder to me that God is truly good and sovereign over this love story.

I find it hard to believe that God has allowed my relationship with Tiffany to be such a fulfilling one despite my lack of experience. Rather than growing stale over time, we have only become closer and stronger. And when hardships or conflicts arise, in the end they only serve as chances to learn and grow. By clinging onto God as the only source of true love, we have matured greatly both as individuals and as a couple. And while we know we have much more to learn, the fact that God has led us this far makes us more confident that He will not let us go. Many people have told me that they are encouraged by our relationship, and each time I hear those words, I am amazed and humbled by God's gracious decision to care about us and use us as a blessing to others.

Sometimes, I still find myself in shock at the realization that, after 26 years, I now actually have a girlfriend. But the most important thing isn't that I am finally in a relationship, but rather that God has graciously allowed me to cross paths with someone truly amazing. Throughout this past year, Tiffany and I have gone through all kinds of adventures that I could have never even imagined on my own. At one point in the beginning of our relationship, I made such a fool of myself that I had to ask her honestly with tears falling uncontrollable from my eyes if she really accepts me the way I am, since I didn't want to hurt her anymore. But she answered "yes" without hesitation. That was when I began to understand what it really means to commit to a relationship involving two imperfect people. Many people are afraid to jump into a serious relationship in fear that they would be "tied down" and kept from potentially better candidates. In the beginning, I often found myself worried that I would end up questioning my commitment to Tiffany, especially since I had never made such a serious commitment to a friend before. But I trusted in God to lead the way one step at a time, and looking back now, I definitely don't regret it.

The celebration of our one-year anniversary is an opportunity to not only look back and rejoice over how far we've come, but look forward to all that still awaits us. God is truly an amazing author, and it has always been my wish and prayer that our relationship can be a testimony of His greatness. After one year, here we are now, not only still standing strong in our relationship, but also continuing to grow stronger. Who am I that God would pour out such a great blessing on me? Who are we that He would lead us together on such a great adventure? One year may seem like a long time, but I believe this is only the beginning of a much bigger story that God has in mind for us. We recently learned at BSF that "walking with God" implies continuity. (Walking and stopping can't happen at the same time). I believe this applies to human relationships too, whether the road is rough or smooth. After so many dates, conversations, hangouts with others, laughs and tears, and celebrations and struggles, I have no doubt that every moment spent with Tiffany has been truly precious. And I am eagerly looking forward to walking together with her step by step and continuing to grow stronger for many more months and years to come.