02/27: Words of Encouragement

Last night after BSF, I joined the other members of Rico's class for our once-a-month fellowship time. Unsurprisingly, our group was rather small; over the past few months, several members had to drop out due to other important circumstances, and a few new members joined us, making our current group very different from the group we started with. Among us are those who have been Christians for many years and those who are new to the faith, as well as those who have fallen away but have made a decision to return to following Christ. We may be small in number, but one thing all of us have in common is that we can all use a little encouragement in life - something that can be found through a community like this. And last night's fellowship, complete with delicious food and drinks, served as the perfect opportunity.

The discussion topic of the night was the most significant lesson we learned so far from this year's study of Genesis. Even though I consider myself very transparent compared to most guys, I admit that as men it's often very difficult to open up and share our hearts with each other. That's why I was quite amazed when our sharing grew increasingly deep and insightful, to a point where I was really worried about not having anything nearly as significant to share when my turn came around. But I prayed for a little wisdom, and God faithfully provided. And because I, too, was greatly encouraged by the words God put on my heart, I want to share those things here with the hope that I may remember them and use them to bless others as well.

First, I'm so blessed to be part of this group. Some of us are already going though the BSF Genesis study for the second time, while others are just recommitting to the Christian faith. But no matter where we are in our walks with God, we are always blessed by each other's sharing. Most of us who grew up in Sunday School have colored pictures of God filling the earth with trees and bunnies and putting a huge rainbow in the sky. Having been a Christian since I was young, my prayer at the beginning of the Genesis study was that I would come in with an open heart and not let anything I already know about the book prevent me from making the most out of the study. And the biggest lesson I learned so far is just how incredibly real everything is, whether it's God's own presence or the people's response to it.

God told Abraham to confidently walk the length and width of the land He promised to give him rather than just dream about it in his head. Sometimes, we find ourselves believing that God's blessings for us are strictly in the invisible, spiritual realm. But God is no less real in our world today than He was during Abraham's time, and His blessings are no less tangible, consisting of both things in this world (to be used for His glory) and things in heaven. In the same way, our response to Him should also be with obedient action, not just mere thinking. When God told Abraham to go sacrifice his only son Isaac, he immediately started cutting down trees to prepare wood for the altar. When Abraham sent his servant to go find a wife for Isaac, he didn't just pray for God's help, but physically embarked on the long journey, trusting that God would grant him wisdom as he does his own part.

Now about our most recent lesson (about the value of our spiritual inheritance). It's always hard for me to grasp the concept of heaven and of eternity. The peaceful image of sitting on a cloud wearing a halo may be exciting, but only for the first few minutes. The book of Revelation describes angels singing praises to God over and over again without ceasing. Imagine if the worship team sang the same song over and over again for half an hour; I admit I would probably get bored and sit down. But the angels in heaven sing the same words ("Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God almighty...") time after time for eternity and never get tired of it. That's how great our God is!

I often like to think of heaven in terms of what I want in this world - but better. Do I want to live in a mansion, drive a Rolls-Royce, or throw the biggest party in history for everyone I love without ever having to worry about anything? Of course! Heaven will give me all those things - but better. I may not actually physically have a Rolls-Royce, but the point is that whatever longing in my heart makes me want that car will be completely satisfied. Think about our wish to satisfy our pride, our greed, our appetite, or even our lustful desires. Whatever it is in our hearts that makes us crave those things, heaven will not only satisfy, but exceed far beyond our imagination, to a point where we will be completely content and not want anything other than what we already have in the very presence of God. Now that's an inheritance worth investing in.

With that in mind, it's easy to simply call Esau an idiot for giving up his birthright, complete with so many blessings from God, for a bowl of soup. But I must consider how often I, too, choose to "despise" my birthright by placing instant gratification as my number one priority. What does it mean to me that, when I'm in an argument, I have to have the final word, or when someone cuts me off in traffic, I have to get him back? Whether at work, at home, or out among strangers, do I show the people around me that I bear God's image? Do people see that I rejoice in His inheritance, or that I care way too much about things that really don't matter in the long run? Am I living in such a way that nonbelievers can see through me a glimpse of God's love? Unfortunately, most of the time the answer is no. In fact, I'm afraid sometimes I may even give other Christians the impression that I'm not a believer based on my actions and words.

Thankfully, none of the "good" characters in Genesis are without flaws either. Adam and Eve ate the fruit. Noah got drunk and made a fool of himself. Abraham lied twice about his wife. Isaac favored his older son despite his godless lifestyle. Jacob deceived his father and brother to steal the birthright. Yet God was always faithful in keeping His promises, and He is the same today as He was then.

So take a moment to think deeply about how real heaven is and how great our inheritance as God's children is. No matter where we've been or how far we've strayed, it's not too late to turn back, whether for the first time or the thousandth time, and let our faith be credited to us as righteousness. I hope that this can be a great encouragement to all of us. God is real - It sounds so simple, but really living it out will take a lifetime to master, and it is impossible without His sovereign guidance, which He faithfully provides. But remember, heaven is real too, and so is our eternal citizenship there. Let's embark on this journey together, encouraging each other to respond to God with active obedience, knowing that an unfathomably great inheritance awaits us.

02/26: Earlier at work today I encountered a little problem while trying to log in to our computer system. Despite being slightly outdated, the software we have is one that is well-known and widely used in the industry. Yet every program has its glitches. Thankfully, our technician helped take care of the issue very quickly. And thankfully, I managed to take a screenshot before he did.

02/23: As I sit here waiting (somewhat anxiously) for the last batch of my audio files to upload onto the web server, the truth is slowly beginning to hit me - This project, at least my role on it, is about to come to an end. The collaboration between Rajeev (a.k.a. Jeevo) and me traces all the way back to our days in InterVarsity at UCLA. Since then, he has recorded several albums and performed around the world, and over the years I have been very blessed to team with him in both performing onstage and recording offstage.

This latest album has been in the works since last summer, but there were several barriers to overcome, and many of them had to do with me. First, my busy schedule made it difficult to find time to meet up for jam sessions and bounce ideas off each other. Then when I finally had time to get started on the project, my computer failed, bringing all music projects to a halt indefinitely. Intimidated by the long and tedious process ahead of me, not to mention the great financial burden, I called Rajeev and kindly suggested that he proceed with the project without me for the sake of time. After all, most of the frameworks of the arrangements (drums, bass, etc.) were already done, and hip-hop music can sound just fine without the additional ornamenting instruments. Despite wanting to be part of the album, I concluded that a non-critical role in a volunteer project is not a good enough reason to go far beyond my reasonable financial and temporal means to get all my studio equipment working.

But Rajeev was both patient and persistent. He really wanted me to be a part of this project. And when I prayed for wisdom to make the right decision, God provided the means for me to proceed. Rajeev trusted in God's timing, and looking back now, that's probably the best thing about this project; we both acknowledge that any talent we have is from God and is to be used for His glory. And we both know deep inside that even when circumstances seem impossibly difficult, God is still in complete control and working in His perfect timing. By the beginning of the new year, everything was set up and ready to go, and I began working on the first few songs. Not only so, but the months I spent without a computer taught me many precious lessons on time management and finding the proper balance between inspiration and effort, and they helped make the creative process both more efficient and more exciting.

Almost two months have passed, and as soon as this last batch of files is successfully uploaded on to the server for the producer, my part will officially be done. Looking back now, I have to say that I'm amazing at how much I've improved in technique just through working on these tracks. I see every project as a learning experience, and this one is definitely no exception. Also, I've come to discover once again just how much I love music. Sure, this project made my already busy schedule even crazier, and there were times when I had to force myself to make progress even though I really didn't feel like it. But there was always that deep sense of joy that made all the time and energy spent worthwhile. Even though my day-to-day life may resemble that of a typical office employee, I can never forget the journey that God has led me through in college, and no matter where that degree will take me in the future, I know deep inside that I will always be a musician at heart.

As for this album, I simply can't wait to hear the finished product once all the final production work is done. From previous experience, I know that a lot of things probably won't sound like I expect them to, and that's actually a good thing. Rajeev and I both love the fact that, because our musical giftings and backgrounds are so different, the result of our teamwork is always both diverse and unique - art that neither of us could have created on our own. As we looked back on this journey while talking on the phone earlier, we both had an attitude of deep thankfulness more than anything else. Sure, there were lots of hurdles to overcome along the way. But in the end, it's not about his way or my way, but God's way. And by God's grace each song has successfully progressed from ideas and dreams to reality. We pray the same thing we have prayed for every previous album, that God would use these songs and the messages they carry for His glory, opening and closing doors as He sees fit. Whether it's performing at shows or recording for future albums, I'm definitely looking forward to more opportunities to continue in our musical collaboration.

02/18: Seizing the Moment

This past weekend, Tiffany and I attended the Love & Respect video conference at GCCI. Having heard many great things about the book of the same title by Emerson Eggerichs, I was very glad to know that she was no less interested than I was, so when the opportunity came (thanks to Carol's hard work that turned the idea of hosting the event at GCCI into reality), I gladly signed us up. Even though Love & Respect is actually designed for helping married couples, we both figured that it wouldn't hurt to get a head start. After all, a little wisdom can be a huge blessing even in our dating relationship.

As the event came closer, I found myself getting increasingly excited. When people asked about my plans for the weekend (and for Valentine's Day) and I mentioned the conference, I told them that I believed it would be a life-changing experience. This would be the first time Tiffany and I actively pursued professional guidance for our relationship. I didn't know exactly what to expect, but somehow I knew without doubt that it would be a pivotal point in our dating relationship that would have a lasting impact on us even after marriage. I prayed very hard, asking God to grant us open hearts and minds to receive everything He had in store for us.

As for the details of what I learned, I won't spoil it all here. After all, if you're planning on reading the book or attending the conference in the future, I don't want my experience to prevent you from having the same open attitude that helped me get so much out of it. I had known previously that Emerson uses Scripture to explore the God-ordained differences between males and females and explain how to improve a relationship through awareness of those differences. With that in mind, I naturally expected to learn things about Tiffany that would help me understand her more and better express my love for her. However, I was extremely surprised that the fulfilling of that expectation made up only a very small percentage of this life-changing experience.

In fact, most of what I learned was actually about myself. It was during the sessions describing the characteristics and needs of a man that my eyes began tearing up. Having lived without a father figure or prominent male role model ever since Dad passed away, I have, over the years, learned to suppress a lot of my desires and dismiss them as selfish or even sinful for the sake of fitting in with the people around me. Maybe that's what contributed to the fact that most of the friends I made during my high school and college years are girls - a dynamic that has, by God's grace, positively shaped my views on dating. But deep inside, something has always been missing - an assurance of my identity as a man no less capable or valuable than others. I'm not trying to complain about or blame Mom, Carol, Tiffany, or any of my female friends; God intentionally created men and women to be different. In fact, I'm truly thankful for the precious and irreplaceable roles that each of them plays in my life. But I've now come to see that many things I considered my weaknesses are actually God-given strengths, and that when it comes to interacting with Tiffany, whether in our dating relationship or in our future family, God has blessed me with an irreplaceable role in which I can take indescribable joy. Looking back, I really believe that through this conference I've come to know myself - the way God created me to be, and the way Dad would have raised me if he were always by my side - better than I ever did before.

It just happened that Tiffany and I decided to have our belated Valentine's Day celebration on Saturday right after the conference. We returned to my house to get ready, then I took her out for a fancy dinner at La Cave in Costa Mesa. I knew all along that, having learned so much from the conference, there was a lot for us to discuss. But I also knew that it would be impossible to do so without getting extremely emotional. So for the sake of catching our dinner reservation and not looking puffy-eyed when taking pictures, I decided to wait.

I prayed for a good opportunity, and asked God for courage to initiate and seize the moment while everything is still fresh on our minds. On the way home from dinner, I told her I really wished there was a place we could talk that was both safe and distraction-free. We ended up stopping at a mall parking lot and talked in the car until we located a bench to sit on. I asked her what her favorite moment of the conference was, then she asked me what mine was. That's when I broke down and let my tears fall.

At the end of the conference, Emerson offered an opportunity (through the video) to respond by stepping up to the front and saying a prayer of commitment to our spouses based on the principles he had taught. My mind was filled with doubt. "Wouldn't it be a little weird to physically respond to a video screen?" "Would I be the only one to do so?" "Tiffany and I aren't even married - Would I be giving her (and others) the wrong message?" "Would she think I'm crazy?"

But I seized the moment and stood up and walked to the front without hesitation. Many others - mostly married couples - did the same. As the tears fell from my eyes, there was only one question prompting me to look back, and just as I turned my head, I saw Tiffany standing next to me, tears falling from her eyes also. As we embraced each other, we prayed together with the others, committing to doing our best to strive for a marriage that is most glorifying to God (a moment that leaves me with no doubt that I'll be crying uncontrollably on my wedding day). Standing there together, holding each other, crying tears that reflect the grace God has given us and the hope He offers for the future as we entrust our relationship to Him - That was my favorite moment of the conference, and one that I will surely never forget.

Tiffany and I sat on the bench and shared our thoughts until it was very late. As we got up to leave, I said a prayer for us, asking God to seal what he has done and help us to live out what we learned in a way that will have a lasting impact on our relationship. Even though we aren't married now, we both feel greatly blessed to have the privilege of learing these valuable lessons together at such an early stage. Surely it was God who brought us together, guiding us to seize all the right moments as we entrust our story to Him. There is still much for us to learn before it's time to take the next step forward, and I have faith that God will lead me to take that step in His perfect timing. But for now, I am more confident than ever before that we are definitely on the right path.

02/14: Ever since before Tiffany and I began dating, we have enjoyed asking each other random but thought-provoking questions. A recent conversation we had led me to ask her a simple question fitting for Valentine's Day - "What is love?" After all, we often tell each other we love each other, and in a world that offers countless ways to define, express, and understand love, it definitely helps to know what we actually believe about it.

Tiffany's answer seemed as simple as the question, yet I couldn't agree with her more. "Love is God". The Bible lists many different attributes and characteristics of God, but when it comes to love, it doesn't say "God is loving" or "God has love", but rather "God is love" (1 John 4:8b). Love is the very essence of God, equal to God Himself. That serves to confirm that "greater love has no one than this, that [Jesus] lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13).

So what does this have to do with the kind of love usually associated with Valentine's Day? All genuine forms of human love, including romantic love, should be modeled after God's perfect example. Sure, we're not perfect or all-powerful. But remember, we were created in God's own image, and our expressions of love should be a reflection of His own love for us. "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love" (1 John 4:7-8).

This world is constantly coming up with ways to define love apart from God. As a result, love is often reduced to a happy feeling, a casual expression, a physical gift, or a symbolic heart or flower. None of these things are actually bad, and they can serve as excellent ways to make love more tangible than the abstract concept it often seems to be. But the problem is that none of them can fully capture the essence of love. The more we try to define love by our own means, the more frustrated we will become at why it seems to fail us. Many people, including Christians, make this mistake, resulting in flawed friendships, hurtful relationships, broken families, and dysfunctional churches. God's love for His children is unconditional - No matter how many times we make mistakes or even intentionally turn away from Him, He still loves us. And no matter how far we try to run, we can never outrun His love. True love is a commitment, a blanket of grace that covers our wrongs for the sake of the relationship. That's how our relationships with one another should be also. It's not about trying to satisfy our individual selfish desires, but rather humbling ourselves and putting in effort to keep the relationship strong.

Of course, when it comes to romantic relationships, there are many other big concerns, from finding the right partner to knowing when and how to move forward in the relationship. During the years that I was single, many people have told me, "you'll never know until you try". I agree to the extent that I need to step out of my comfort zone and dare to face the unknown, a lesson I'm still learning today. But with love being such a big commitment and something so close to God's heart, I couldn't help but believe that I needed to trust Him to provide. After all, He knows what's best and intends to do what's best for His children. And after having dated Tiffany for over a year, I still have no doubt that every moment I spent waiting in the past was worthwhile. Unfortunately, there are many people around me who have been left hurt, betrayed, confused, and afraid to love again. But I know that there is no reason I deserve any more blessings from God than the people around me should, and that's why I want to do my best to help those around me know that true love comes from God, and He is eager to pour out His blessings on all His children, even turning past hurts or mistakes into future blessings.

Just last week, our BSF class studied an incredible story in which God provided a wife for Isaac. Genesis 24 tells of how Abraham gave his servant detailed instructions based on God's promises and sent him on a journey to bring back a wife for his son. The servant, who had sworn an oath to his master, traveled for several hundred miles to a place where women came to draw water, then prayed to God for a sign. Immediately, Rebekah appeared and fulfilled both the sign and Abraham's requirements. The servant, after spending the night at her family's house in which everyone agreed that it was the Lord's will, brought Rebekah back to Isaac, and the two became united in marriage. The story seems almost too good to be true - read the passage and see for yourself. Can it really be possible that such divine appointments still happen today?

Because of what Christ has done, we are all friends of God, His "chosen people" (1 Peter 2:9) and "children of Abraham" (Galatians 3:7), as long as we choose to believe and accept His ultimate gift of love. In other words, God intends to love us, provide for us, and bless us just like He did to Abraham and Isaac. For those who have been hurt in the past or have made shameful mistakes in previous relationships, remember that God's love is enough to cover all those things. King David fell so deeply into lust that he plotted to have Bathsheba's husband killed, then took her to be his own wife (2 Samuel 11), yet he was considered "a man after God's own heart" (Acts 13:22). Abraham made many mistakes throughout his life too, yet he was still so greatly blessed. God is the great author of our lives, and He can take whatever is in our past and develop it into amazing stories that we can't even dream of on our own.

But we have to surrender the pen to Him first, and we have to respond to His instruction with active obedience. Abraham's servant didn't get lazy and pray for God to bring the right girl straight to him, then shine a big light from heaven to prove that she was the one. Instead, He obeyed his master's instructions, traveled a very long way, chose a place and time where women would be present, and prayed for wisdom according to God's will. After having completely done his part, God clearly showed him the rest and made his journey successful. In order to be blessed in our love lives, we must know God's instructions about love (found in the Bible) so that we can respond with obedience and be sensitive to His calling. The characteristics listed in the famous "love chapter" (1 Corinthians 13:4-7) alone can take a lifetime to master. But God knows where we are and meets us where we are. Whether the next step for us is dating, engagement, marriage, mending a past relationship, or sustaining a current relationship, God wants to write amazing love stories in our lives, and even though it will take effort and there will be many challenges, in the end all those things will definitely be worthwhile.

How can we know for sure? "Love never fails" (1 Corinthians 13:8a). The Bible couldn't have said it any more clearly. Sadly, many people spend their entire lives looking for true love without realizing that they are rejecting it at the same time. Love, as defined in Scripture and demonstrated by God, never fails. Also, "there is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear" (1 John 4:18a). Don't we all wish that our relationships can consist of love that never fails, without any fear or worry? I know I do. I've come to see through my relationship with Tiffany that whenever my view of love strays from God's view, I end up hurt, disappointed, or frustrated. But when I follow His perfect example, it is then that I see how love is truly unfailing.

Tiffany and I will be enjoying our Valentine's Day celebration over the weekend for the sake of having more time to spend together. I wish and pray that our celebration will not be something done simply because our society tells us to do it, but rather a reminder, reflection, and expression of our genuine love for each other. Through our relationship, we've come to see many of our own imperfections, and we've had to face many challenges we were previously unaware of. Being raised in different homes means we naturally have different ways of expressing and understanding love, so much so that our acts of love may unintentionally end up hurting each other. The reason we continue to stand strong isn't that we have similar personalities or are extremely nice and easygoing people, but rather that we share the same belief that love comes from God and strive to make our love for each other a reflection of and response to the love He first showed us.

And there is no better day than this to remember once again how thankful I am to have entrusted my life's love story to Him. No matter what stage of life I'm in, love is an art I can never master, a lifestyle I can never perfectly follow, and a mystery I can never fully understand until the day I walk through the gates of heaven. Having successfully entered into a dating relationship does not mean things will be easy and perfect from here on, and neither does engagement or even marriage. Figuring out when and how to take the next step forward from here is no less daunting to me than confessing my affection toward Tiffany for the first time. But because Tiffany and I both know that true love is none other than God Himself, we know where to look for wisdom. Sometimes I'm very tempted to take things into my own hands or give in to the pressures of the people and world around us. But I know that there is no one I want to entrust this lifelong journey to other than the God who first brought us together. And no matter what stage of our relationship we are in, I must take responsibility for this precious gift that He has given me and love her just the way she is. Why? Because He first loves me unconditionally the way I am, and His love never fails.

02/11: It has already been about a month and a half since I got my computer working and began the long process of getting caught up with everything I was behind on. As of now, I'm probably about 70-80% of the way there, and I definitely can't complain. There are two things I'm extremely thankful for. First, Tiffany has been graciously putting up with my busy schedule; I've made it a goal to spend only one day each weekend hanging out and the other at home getting work done so that I can ensure quality time spent in both areas. Second, ever since I went to Cars & Coffee a few weeks ago, which required a little adjustment in my sleeping schedule, I decided to seize the opportunity to make waking up early a habit. Since then, I've been getting up a little over half an hour earlier every day than I used to, and I have to say I'm amazed at how big of a difference that extra time has made.

One thing that has always made it a little difficult for me to get work done is that most of my free time with computer access comes in very small chunks and often during times when I'm too tired to be productive. But I've come to see that even though half an hour may not be a long time, it's definitely sufficient to accomplish a lot with enough effort and determination. The small sacrifice of daily sleep gives me almost three hours of additional free time each week, during which I am not yet bogged down by the worries that accumulates throughout the day. Looking back now, I really don't think I can be anywhere near where I am now in terms of getting caught up if it weren't for those precious morning minutes every day.

Those who knew me from college know that a part of me has always enjoyed waking up earlier than necessary. The main reason is that I love the idea of starting off the day well, whether it means enjoying breakfast, talking with people I love, or simply relaxing and having the freedom to do what I want to do without feeling rushed. I've always hated the thought of waking up and immediately being forced into the busyness of school or work, but it's still challenging to fight against being sucked into that routine that makes life more mechanical than enjoyable. I'm still not used to waking up early in the morning and feeling completely relaxed, but I've fallen in love with starting each day by casually get some work done while listening to some music. And it not only makes the day seem more productive, but also fills me with joy that strengthens me throughout the day.

And with more time to accomplish more things, I naturally feel less stress from knowing how much has yet to be done. As a result, the time I spend away from my computer has become much more fulfilling as well. I try my best to stay focused on whatever I have allocated my time for, whether it's getting work done or hanging out with people I love, and now that a healthy balance has been reached, I'm really starting to see the positive outcomes. It's a little before 7 in the morning right now, and I'm very glad to be enjoying another relaxing morning before entering my daily work routine. Having made it this far in getting caught up with the past without falling behind in the present, the hardest thing now is to fight against the temptation to take it easy from here - the very attitude that contributed greatly to my many mistakes before my computer broke down. I pray for continued determination and effort to do my best until the day I am 100% caught up and right where I need to be.

02/04: I've been wanting to write this entry for several months already, but waited until now because I want to include some pictures and couldn't do so until my computer problems were taken care of. Back in October, Tiffany and I enjoyed a trip to the Aquarium of the Pacific. Call it a mini-vacation or a romantic date, and I will gladly agree with either. But what I want to write about here is my encounter with God through admiring His amazing creation. I could't even remember the last time I went to an aquarium and saw huge exhibits designed to offer a glimpse of the underwater world. Despite having seen plenty of pictures and videos, witnessing it firsthand was a whole different experience.

01/27: I found myself in great disbelief, with tears forming in my eyes as the truth slowly sank in. Several others in the congregation had let their tears fall a lot sooner than I did. Yes, there were several hints that this might be happening - Recently, his sermons have became a lot more personal, and this most recent one gave me an especially strange feeling. Even so, I kept praying quietly, "God, please let my feeling be wrong. Please don't let this actually happen". Still, the conclusion had already been reached, and soon the announcement was made that Pastor John would be resigning from his position at FECSGV. This morning, he gave his final sermon, and after a quick chat in the parking lot and a big hug, we went our separate ways.

A part of me can't help but feel a little angry. Having experienced many instances of leadership transitions that resulted in people being scattered, hurt, or weakened in faith, I find it hard to see history repeat itself once again. Even though I have resolved to forgive all the wrongs of the church I grew up in before moving on to where I am now, a lot of the scars from the past have left me with a tainted view of churches and people in general that only time can heal. Having done my part to seek God's will before committing to FECSGV, I know that I should neither view my transition as an escape from past hurts nor expect my new church home to be problem-free. But now, it has suddenly become much more difficult for me to have faith and keep the right motives.

I apologize for making it seem like my past experiences with churches are all negative. The church belongs to God, and He loves it more than any pastor or leader ever can. He will not let hardships happen to His church unless He has a good reason for doing so. During last year's explorational journey in which I visited eight different churches, many of which are now attended by former members of GCCI like myself, I came to see that what seemed like a series of disasters at the time ultimately led to people discovering places where they could grow stronger and further develop and exercise their God-given gifts. I also saw how God has greatly blessed GCCI by turning the difficult and seemingly hopeless transition period into an opportunity for people trust in God and discover their formerly unseen leadership abilities. And now that FECSGV's Connections (English-speaking) ministry is entering into its own transitional period, I must remember all those blessings and stand firm in my faith, knowing that God still has everything in His control.

Over the years, I've seen leaders resign from churches for all kinds of different reasons, both positive and negative. Some were burnt out by having too much work thrown at them or trapped in conflict with other church officials, while others found new opportunities to serve or followed God's calling to a life that involved finding a new spiritual community. Having let go of my past hurts, I should neither judge nor speculate. But I feel confident after hearing Pastor John's final sermons these past couple Sundays that his decision to depart is in accordance with God's will. I may not have attended FECSGV long enough to dig deep into its politics. But regardless of whether my assumptions are right or wrong, what matters most is that God is always right, and He loves both His children and His church. It's not just one or the other - God's intention is not to bless the pastor at the expense of the church or bless the church at the expense of the pastor. He does all things "for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28). Are not pastors and churches both called according to His purpose?

Even though I haven't gotten to know Pastor John at a very deep level due to my relatively short time at FECSGV, I have been greatly blessed by his sermons each week, many of which touched, encouraged, and comforted me so deeply that I had no doubt it was God speaking directly to me. I can only imagine how difficult it is, after having invested in building relationships within a church for so many years, to conclude that it's time to move on. When we follow God's callings and leave behind things that are good and precious, we must have faith that God, who is strong enough to lead us in our callings, is also strong enough to take care of whatever problems may arise from our acts of obedience. With that in mind, I know that God is still sovereign, both over Pastor John's life and over FECSGV.

As one who has committed to this church for only a little over half a year, I can't help but wonder exactly how this big transitional period will affect me and the people around me. At the moment, our Connections ministry is without our own pastor. And anytime a new pastor steps in, chances are there will be big changes in vision, structure, and leadership, some of which I may like and other of which I may not. For now, the only things I can really do are pray and have faith. Only by doing so can I feel confident that the changes that take place are in accordance to God's will. He is in complete control, and He will give and take away as He sees fit. Whatever happens, His intention for the church is always the best, even if it doesn't seem like it at the moment. It's my choice, then, whether to to trust Him and encourage others or complain and discourage them. I pray for faith, strength, and wisdom to choose the former, embracing whatever changes may come and responding to them with a worshipful heart.

01/22: "Where's the sun?" "Why am I up so early?" Oh, it's been a while. Hello, Cars & Coffee. After an absense of over half a year, things worked out perfectly for me to attend this past Saturday's gathering in Irvine. The decision was officially made on Wednesday night upon confirming that there would, in fact, be a special appearance at the 1/19 meet. In past years, I've attended many special appearances of rare cars such as the Lexus LFA, Lamborghini Aventador, Aston Martin V12 Zagato, and Jaguar CX-75 concept. Compared to those cars, this latest special appearance is actually quite inexpensive, at "only" $155,000. But even so, it's definitely one of the most unique and unforgettable cars I've ever seen.

01/18: The relationship between computers and me has always been a strange one. I often joke that I've been more hurt emotionally by computers over the years than I have by people. Ever since my family's computer broke in high school, taking with it countless files that defined an extremely precious period of time in my life, I have learned to be cautious about putting too much faith in machines. I love computers, but I hate them at the same time. They help me accomplish so much, but also cause me so much grief. They are so hard to live with, but also so hard to live without.

One thing that has contributed greatly to this strange relationship is the fact that technology always seems to overcomplicate itself when placed in my hands. For reasons I still don't understand, a simple repair that most people consider insignificant often (if not always) turns into an epic drama filled with unexpected twists and turns. That's what happened when my laptop broke during my sophomore year at UCLA, leading to an extremely frustrating and unfruitful procedure that eventually prompted me to give up completely. But somehow, God still had everything under His control. Through what seemed like a failure, I began to learn the priceless lesson of finding joy through things other than the computer screen. That was the time when I discovered the art of car spotting, and that was also the time when I discovered the importance of basing relationships on effort rather than convenience. I learned to enjoy technology for the capability and convenience it offers, but never let it blind me from the vibrant humanity that God has given me. To say that those few months radically transformed my life is an understatement.

I have by no means mastered these lessons though. Despite taking many countercultural measures to avoid repeating the heartbreaks of the past, I am still tempted time after time to fall into the many traps of technology, from settling with mediocre relationships for the sake of convenience to procrastinating and making simple tasks take much longer than necessary to complete. Over these past few years, I started many music projects and committed countless hours to them, but put them aside when it came time for the tedious editing process. I made many plans to keep important files backed up and well-organized, but somehow kept convincing myself that I could wait another day to carry out those plans. Then suddenly my computer broke down.

My first concern wasn't the computer itself; that's something that money and time alone could eventually take care of. But all of the music notes recorded, the journals entries written, and the pictures taken of life's most precious moments may be gone forever, and no amount of money or time could ever bring them back completely. Thankfully, I was eventually able to recover and back up all of my files before reformatting the computer. Still, it was too close of a call for me to not reconsider some of my habits.

Having a computer in my own room is something I have often taken for granted. I intend to get things done, but in the end they don't actually get done because I always figure that I have more time. But I must do my best to stay focused, just like I would if I were doing work on my office computer or borrowing someone else's computer. Also, I must strive to finish what I start. Rather than creating a bunch of music projects but never finishing them, I must strive to push through even the most tedious parts of the editing process. Sure, I may return to them in the future to make more revisions. But that's no excuse to keep procrastinating. Plus, I believe that having a sense of completion on my projects will provide a sense of accomplishment that motivates me to continue putting my God-given gifts to good use.

In these past few months, I found myself greatly challenged by how to wisely manage both my money and my time. Even with a stable income, having to make so many big purchases back to back really made me unsure of what to do. And even during my free time (which I actually had a lot of during the absence of my computer), I often found myself so stressed and frustrated from the thought of eventually having so much to catch up on that I ended up failing to put that time to good use. I frequently gave people the impression that I was insanely busy and couldn't afford to spend money on anything, when in reality what I really should do is learn better time and money management so I can come to terms with where I really am and respond wisely without overreacting.

As with all the other incidents over the years when computer failures have caused me great trouble, I have gone through many struggles but come out stronger. Even though most of the lessons I learned have already been learned in the past, the fact that I repeatedly fail to apply them can explain why God allows me to go through times like this over and over again. Besides, given that my old computer was already six years old, I really had no excuse to be unprepared for this to happen.

This is the beginning of a new chapter, and I can't wait to see what great things God will use this new computer to accomplish in the years to come. But I know that I must do my part to make the most out of what He has blessed me with, whether it's time, money, or the machine itself. I must always remember to keep organized, stay focused, and remember the lessons I have learned in these past few months. I may not completely understand why God often makes my relationship with computers so difficult, but I can definitely do my best to not repeat the same mistakes that I have once again learned not to make. I pray simply that I may do my best from this point on, so that this new computer maybe used to its full potential for God's glory.

01/11: Despite feeling frustrated at how problems in my life just keep coming one after another, I won't deny I'm thankful that at least some problems are actually being solved. I'm currently using my new iMac, as I have been for the past few weeks already, and so far I see no reason to doubt that this three-month-long adventure that began with the breaking of my old computer may finally be over.

I hate to admit this, but through the process that brought me to where I am now, I've really come to see more of Apple's rotten side, especially when it comes to long-term product support. I was shocked to discover shortly after getting the new computer that programs such as Logic Pro, which I invested large amounts of money in, are no longer supported. And I'm not just talking about being recommended to upgrade to a newer version; the program (which is about three years old) can't even install, so it's essentially useless. A little research revealed that many other people have similar issues with devices such as printers and end up with no choice but to throw away a perfectly functioning product and get a new one simply because Apple's newer OS's cannot support it. In comparison, all of my Windows programs that are over a decade old still run perfectly on Windows 7, and even in the case that a program isn't compatible, Microsoft offers free downloads and support to help make it work. Let's not forget that Apple's computers didn't become a mainstream success until the company switched to using Intel processors, allowing support for Windows. And now that they have established a strong customer base, they have abandoned the roots of their success in favor of more profit.

The irony, though, is that I'm still a huge Mac fan, despite feeling betrayed by them. The reason? Reliability. My old iMac lasted for six years, and both times when major problems came up that required reformatting (including this most recent time), the issue began in the Windows partition. Right now the computer itself is technically still fully functional, except for the dead optical drive that prevents me from installing programs. None of my past computers have come anywhere close to such a long and stable life, and to me that alone is enough to justify the significantly higher price tag of a Mac.

Still, I had no idea just how much trouble this whole compatibility issue would cause me. I had already dished out the additional funds to re-purchase Logic Pro and was ready to resume work on my long-delayed music projects when I discovered that my synthesizer couldn't communicate with the computer. At that point, I was very tempted to turn back and either downgrade to an older Mac OS or get my old computer fixed instead, since either option would cost much less than the four-digit price tag of a new synth equivalent to what I have now. The only thing that stopped me was that fact that I had already come so far over the past few months and didn't want all that time and effort to be considered wasted. Deep inside, I believed that God saw my heart and my efforts to spend money wisely rather than indulge in excessive luxury. And I believed that He wouldn't allow me to come so far unless He has a good reason for it.

Thankfully, after consulting some experts, I found a much more practical solution - a recording box that can read audio/MIDI inputs and is compatible with the latest Mac OS. Still, despite it being much less expensive than a new synth, it still isn't exactly cheap, and by then I had spent so much money already that I couldn't justify another large expense. I prayed and asked several others to pray for me, and in the end, God graciously provided, even despite me making the unexplainably stupid mistake of initially seeking funding for the wrong item and ending up still short of what I actually needed at first. Shortly after Christmas, I brought home a FocusRite Scarlett 2i4, ready to hook it up to my iMac.

01/07: It's kind of sad that it has taken a whole week before I finally have time to write the first entry of 2013. As I briefly mentioned in recent entries, life has been a bit on the challenging side lately. To sum things up, what was supposed to be a joyous family reunion to celebrate Grandma's 90th birthday ended with her suddenly fainting in the middle of church service a couple weeks ago due to not having enough blood in her body. We cancelled just about all of our holiday plans at the last minute to make sure there was always someone available to stay at the hospital until she was strong enough to return home. Her stay went from the original estimated stay of a couple days to a whole week, during which she had to get surgery to prevent further cases of excessive blood loss. Thankfully, the surgery went smoothly, and on the Sunday before New Year's she left the hospital and returned home.

That's where things took another unexpected turn - For safety reasons, we decided to have Grandma return to a different home - my home. We have a room downstairs that would make it safe for Grandma to walk around without having to climb up and down, and after shuffling a crapload of furniture around the house (much of which is still sitting in a big mess right now), we were ready for her to move in.

I'll be completely honest here - I have absolutely no right (or reason) to complain. It's a great honor to be able to live with Grandma and serve her on a daily basis. I guess things just happened so quickly and suddenly that I didn't (and still don't) feel ready to accept all the changes and the consequences that must come as a result. The sad truth is that now, when I'm at home, a big part of me really doesn't feel like I'm home anymore. And I'm still struggling to figure out how I should take the next step from here.

There are definitely some important lessons I must learn though. "Home" should be, above everything else, about the people. And through Grandma's birthday celebrations that brought together relatives from across the country and overseas, I really came to see how blessed I am to be part of such a close-knit family. The way all of Grandma's children (Mom's generation) humbly serve her and care for her even at their own expense is an excellent example that I must learn to follow. It really makes me ashamed to admit how many selfish thoughts go through my mind in a time when my cooperation and support is most needed. Somehow, God still has a plan in all this, and I just pray that I can have the faith to believe it.