08/21: Yesterday I had a great time chatting with a brother after church about the Bible. It had felt like forever since I got to enjoy such a thought-provoking and wisdom-filled conversation, largely because the sad truth is that most people I try to enjoy a good chat with at church are so busy trying to juggle so many things at the same time that they would end up getting distracted by something else and suddenly turn away as if I never existed. I'm sure they don't do it intentionally, but when people simply float around aimlessly from conversation to conversation without any intention of getting some quality out of those conversations, I see no point of even being there. And it doesn't help that when someone actually intends to strike up a good talk, chances are they're either trying to shove something down my throat or convince me to do something for them. Yes, I admit I'm definitely an oddball. But on the rare occasion that someone's willing to speak my odd language, I usually end up feeling like my life is changed.

We talked about this morning's solar eclipse and how fitting it is that, whether coincidental or not, darkness from heaven has come upon a nation that is increasingly turning away from God. That led to a discussion on Revelation - different interpretations of the end times and how they relate to the world today. I brought up some questions and doubts I've wrestled for a very long time with, and in the end I found myself both greatly challenged and greatly encouraged.

The truth is that I don't exactly know what to believe regarding the end times. I've heard my share of fanatical claims and gut-wrenching predictions, including some by those whom I've always trusted but who were simply too immature at the time to know any better. (Life in this world is a constant learning process for everyone, right?) But I've also experienced the emptiness of living a Christian life without any consideration of Christ's return, and I know that's not how things are supposed to be.

So how does Christ's return play a role in my Christian walk? Do I think of it as something that probably won't happen until millions of years later, or does it have an effect on my daily life? These are important questions that I have to ask myself. The fact that I claim to be a Christian but live each day with little or no consideration of eternity shows that something is definitely not right. I claim to live a purpose-oriented life, yet fail to recognize my ultimate purpose of glorifying God, choosing instead to focus on things that, when viewed with an eternal perspective, are essentially worthless.

Sure, I don't know exactly when the end will take place, and I'm not going to waste too much time and energy speculating. But what I need to do is remember that God is my Father and that Christ's return, distant as it may seem, is something I should eagerly look forward to, especially when I consider the seemingly increasing amount of problems both in my life and across the world. This is a critical component of Christianity that I - and probably many other Christians - often overlook. I pray for wisdom to actively consider how it can play its crucial role in my own daily life.

08/05: It's so easy and natural for us to take things for granted until we have to live without them. A few years ago, it would have been nearly impossible for Tiffany and I to imagine just how simplified our lives would become thanks to the harsh realities of having to do just about everything within a tight budget. But even now it's still easy to lose sight of just how blessed we are.

A couple weeks ago we received a notice from our apartment management informing us that due to a possible gas leak, the building's gas had to be shut off until workers could come and perform further inspection. It didn't seem like much of a problem for us at first; after all, we'd much rather have the gas shut off as a safety precaution than return home from work one day to discover that the whole block has been blown to smithereens. But one day turned into several more days, then to over a week...

Unsurprising for an old property, inspection revealed further problems that needed to be addressed, hence the delay. But surprisingly, I'm not complaining. The workers were on scene right away, working hard every day (and all through the weekend) to dig trenches, pull out old pipes, and put in new ones. And for once, I'm very glad to say that our apartment management has done a great job of maintaining communication with us from day one, taking initiative to give us the latest updates and estimated completion times. When an unexpected problem happens and everbody is doing their best, what more can you really ask for?

And there's really a lot for us to be thankful for. First of all, having no gas doesn't cause nearly as many practical problems as having no water or electricity. The most annoying thing was having no hot water to take showers with. But we're definitely glad it's summer!

And as for cooking, we were amazed at just how many options we had to make food without a stove - a water boiler pot to steam vegetables, a pressure cooker, a good ol' rice cooker, and of course, the microwave. We also borrowed a portable stove and griddle just in case we needed them. It was amazing that, despite some slight inconveniences, our daily lives pretty much kept going as if nothing had changed.

A few days ago, we finally received the notice from our apartment management that all the piping work was done and the workers would be doing a final inspection and turning on the gas the next day. Sure enough, when we came home from work the next day, everything was back to normal. Almost two weeks had passed by already, and we had survived just fine.

This incident definitely helped us realize in a practical way that we've been blessed with a lot more than we often think about. To top things off, our apartment management advised that because of all the inconveniences, residents will get a 50% discount on the next rent payment. Given a lot of my financial concerns regarding the near future, this unexpected gift is definitely a huge weight off my shoulders. And to be honest, if a couple weeks of living without gas each month means I only have to pay half the rent, I really wouldn't mind this happening regularly from now on!

07/18: When Tiffany and I attended counseling prior to getting married, one thing we learned was that we have very different personalities. Of course, anyone who has spent time with both of us could probably have figured that out within a few minutes. But through counseling, we came to recognize specific traits of our own (and each other's) personalities and how they may play a major role in our marriage. Sure enough, now that we're married, we see more and more just how big that role is.

As we celebrate two years of marriage today, I think it's important for me to consider how my personality traits have affected our relationship and how I can learn to better love Tiffany in light of those traits. Unlike her, I'm more of a thinker - I make decisions based on reasoning and logic and, for the most part, am willing to lay aside my feelings for the sake of doing what I believe makes the most sense. Just about everything I do has some sort of plan or purpose, and it drives me crazy to be stuck in situations where I feel like my role is pointless. As a result, I constantly find myself busy doing something, whether it's executing an existing plan, coming up with a new plan, or cleaning up a mess caused by what I see as bad planning.

So how on earth did Tiffany ever want to marry someone like me? I have no idea, other than that it was by God's grace that we first met and decided to pursue our relationship. We're definitely very different, and being different means there's a lot more room for disagreements. But our differences also help balance each other out. For anyone who knows me well, just imagine a world where there's two of me. Yea, enough said.

Of course, I do have an emotional side too. And honestly speaking, I'm a lot more willing to express my emotions than most other guys I know. But when life gets tough and problems need to be solved, my emotions usually get overshadowed by the more dominant thinking-oriented side of me. And one thing I'm coming to understand more and more as I get older is that life will always be tough, and there will always be problems that need to be solved.

The truth is that our relationship needs both of us; a healthy balance in life requires both knowing how to express and enjoy one's feelings and knowing how to push those feelings aside to make logical decisions. Thanks to Tiffany's kindness in trusting me to take the lead role in our marriage, I'm the one working out most of the financial, organizational, and logistical details that play a role in just about every aspect of our home. (I'm not saying her role is any less important though. My words fail to express how thankful I am that even though she has a full-time job like I do, she always helps prepare delicious meals, make time-consuming grocery runs, and take care of a bunch of small but very important tasks.)

It often feels like whenever I'm home, there's always something that needs to be done. And I find it extremely hard to give myself a break until everything is done. I'm often operating like a computer, running a bunch of unseen core programs in the background so that everything in the foreground will serve its intended purpose at its intended time. And anyone who has owned a computer (especially those with Windows!) can testify that sooner or later, it's going to have problems that can drive you insane. When I take a step back and think about it, it's pretty ridiculous how much of my time at home I spend "working" and how little time I spend actually enjoying being married or being at home. Even when eating, sleeping, or watching a movie, it's hard to steer my mind away from life's many imperfections. It's definitely not healthy, both for me and for my relationship with Tiffany.

One thing I'm increasingly thankful for is that ever since Tiffany and I began dating, we have always been committed to going out for a date at least once a week - a tradition we gladly continued keeping after getting married. Sure, now that life has shown us just how little money we have to spend, most of the places we go are very wallet-friendly. But the point is that we're getting our butts away from home - away from all the work that has to be done - and to places where we can lay our worries aside and focus on simply being together and enjoying our relationship. In addition, we recently went on our long-awaited (and long-overdue) honeymoon in London, and just a couple nights ago we celebrated our two-year anniversary with a fancy dinner at an oceanfront steakhouse. These things all serve to remind me that marriage, no matter how much work it involves, is always something worth celebrating.

The good thing about being logic- and purpose-oriented is that I can get things done in an orderly manner and avoid a lot of unnecessary problems in the process. The downside, however, is that when I fail to recognize the correct purpose for doing things, I begin directing my life (and marriage) in the wrong direction. Because I naturally find joy in feeling accomplished, organized, and productive, I often focus so much on "doing life" that I begin treating it as the ultimate purpose of being at home. Sometimes, home seems just like a second office, and married life seems like little more than a battle to get things done and keep our home running properly. And our home now is only a humble apartment unit!

Even in the professional world, it's important to promote positive team building in order to achieve greater outcomes. (In fact, when I first began working for the City and mentioned how my old co-workers would have regularly-scheduled company lunches, my new co-workers immediately adopted the idea and turned it into what is now a monthly tradition in our section.) It's tragic that I must make this comparison, but shouldn't this idea of team building be so much more prevalent in a marriage relationship? Of course, the purpose in this case wouldn't ultimately be to boost productivity like it might be in a workplace setting. After all, it's a romantic relationship! But I know I'm not the only one who wrestles with this.

I've heard (and seen) way too many times how a married couple can get so used to focusing on making money, raising children, serving at church, or pursuing individual goals that they forget how to actually love each other and enjoy their marriage. And most of the time, the man deserves much of the blame. As a husband, I refuse to fall into the same trap. And if two years already shows me so clearly how tempting this trap can be, then I can only imagine what things could be like many years from now! Yes, it's important to do all the work that I do, and I definitely should not stop doing those things and watch our home fall into a huge mess. But I need to learn a healthy balance of priorities. And if I don't, I'm failing to do my part as a responsible and loving husband.

So as Tiffany and I enter into a new year of our marriage, complete with its challenges and surprises, I must remember to treat each day like it's our first and our last, using not only my mind but also my heart to effortfully invest in our relationship. Especially at home where it's easiest to spend hours doing our own things in separate rooms, I must remember to set time apart to focus on enjoying being together. We may not have much in terms of physical assets, but a good marriage should be measured by much more than anything money can buy. Each time we take a step back and think about it, we realize that we're truly blessed to be who we are and where we are, and that we're truly blessed to be together. I hope and pray that we'll always remember that.

07/09: I've officially reached the age where I'm starting to lose track of how old I actually am. Birthdays often seem like just another ordinary day, especially since any sort of celebration would usually take place during the nearest weekend in order to best accomodate everbody's schedules. This year, my birthday happened to fall on my RDO, so I got to enjoy a nice quiet Friday at home by myself while the rest of the world was at work. I'm very thankful for the surprise party (Korean BBQ!) on the previous weekend that Tiffany and Ken helped organize. I'm also very thankful that no unnecessary public attention was drawn to me on the actual day of my birthday, since I've long gotten over the childish "it's-all-about-me" mentality that, I've come to see more and more, can have long-term negative consequences. But most importantly, I'm very thankful for the gentle but powerful reminder that God has really blessed me by filling my life with people who care.

Life hasn't been easy recently, and for months - even years - there really hasn't been much time for me to just sit back and enjoy chit-chatting the night away with friends like I often would in my early post-college days. Of course, part of that is because I'm now married. I'm not saying it's a good thing or bad thing; it's just part of the whole package. But I've come to see recently that in trying to balance a healthy marriage life with a healthy social life aside from marriage, I've been making a terrible mistake.

Anyone who's heard my views on romantic relationships probably knows my rather unpopular belief that dating (and marriage) should ultimately be an extention of friendship, not an entirely separate concept. Those who were close to me in my college and post-college days also know that I believe friendship requires effortful commitment to being part of each other's lives - something my friends often saw me practice more than they heard me preach. As a heavy introvert, socializing doesn't come easy to me though; there have been hundreds of times when something as simple as starting a casual conversation with a friend - even one I'm very close and comfortable with - made me feel like I'm doing something far out of my comfort zone. Of course, the reward would always far outweigh the cost. But it's safe to say that taking initiative in a social setting, even in the most simple and subtle ways, is far more challenging for me than it is for the average person. And without constantly battling that challenge, I often unintentionally give the false impression that I simply don't care about the people in my life.

There's nothing particularly wrong with any of these beliefs or personality traits. But my big mistake has been in the way I blended them all together. After meeting Tiffany and committing to our dating relationship (and ultimately our marriage), I naturally felt that because I treated our relationship as an extention of a deep friendship, my social life - at least on the surface - didn't really change much. I was still getting my regular share of enjoying long conversations, going out to eat, and participating in various activities or social gatherings - just all with the same person. Except in a committed romantic relationship, those things came much more easily and naturally. Over time, the introvert in me slowly turned into a couch potato, sitting back and letting things effortlessly take their own course.

The problem? My focus was ultimately on myself and not on those I claim to care about. As I began devoting more and more of my attention to marriage, career development, and financial planning - all very important things that deserve the attention, I also began losing sight of friendships and overall social well-being - things that a healthy lifestyle should never neglect. It's not that I don't care about friends at all. But when weighed alongside the most pressing priorities, they would almost always come in second place except during the most crucial of circumstances. And with so many things to worry about in life, there's usually no time for second place.

It also doesn't help that over the years, many circumstances seem to have worked against me. In the past, I often clung tightly onto opportunities that allowed me to make the most of the little confidence I had in my own social skills - Computer-based chatting, interesting restaurants or deals to plan outings around, epic barbecues and house parties, and the few people I've known the longest and consider closest to me. Online chatting has long been made obselete by texting (something I'm still not a big fan of. Yes, I still log into my old chat accounts once in a while just for old time's sake!) Financial realities often cause me to shy away from planning or attending gatherings that require "unnecessary" spendings. Throwing barbecue parties at home is out of the question now because our apartment balcony is barely even big enough for Tiffany and I to enjoy together. And as for the people I've always been closest to, our current schedules and locations simply don't allow us to see each other nearly as often as we used to.

Of course, I have no right to blame any of these things. Friendship requires effort far more than it does convenience, and those who knew me in college certainly remember that inconveniences - even those that most people naturally fall victim to without even realizing it - had never stopped me from standing my ground in preserving and nurturing the heart of each friendship I was blessed with. Of course, there's a certain amount of responsibility that must be exercised as well. In college, it was balancing my social life with my academic life. Right now, it is balancing my social life with financial responsibility and marital investment. And while I've been faithful to Tiffany and careful in financial decision-making, I definitely haven't done a good job of investing in my social life.

As a result, I've actually hurt myself probably even more than I've hurt others. One good friend has been wanting to meet up and catch up for almost two months, but it still hasn't happened because I always deemed the time and travel distance required to be too inconvenient. (But is he worth it? Of course!) Several others have not heard a word from me in over a year, or even ever since my wedding day. Yes, I've been busy. But I haven't been that busy. I do care for the people in my life even if they haven't made any effort to talk to me in years, and I believe they would say the same about me. It's only natural to reflect my own attitudes toward others upon what I imagine are their attitudes toward me, whether those attitudes are positive or negative. It's not always the right thing to do, but it's definitely a spiral that's easy to fall into. And upon slowly realizing over the years that I haven't really done my part in the friendships I've been blessed with, I naturally convinced myself over time that others don't care about me as well. In the end, I've found myself feeling increasingly lonely, disconnected, and pessimistic.

But that's where birthdays come in handy. (Thankfully, here's a circumstance that actually worked in my favor!) Yes, unless I make a bid deal out of it, there's really nothing about a birthday that makes it different from any other day, especially given that, to everybody else (except the lucky few who happen to be born on the same day of the year as me), it really is, well, just another ordinary day. But as I enjoyed my RDO at home by myself, I was amazed at the constant stream of "happy birthday" messages I received. Years ago, I was, to many people, that rare friend who, even long before smartphones and digital calendars became popular, would always remember their birthdays and make an effort each year to wish them well. Now, as I wrestle with the bitter fruits of my own shortcomings, each such message I received was a gift of extraordinary sweetness.

Because of some negative attitudes that had developed over the years and more recently erupted to a climax, I confess that I'd sometimes gone as far as to willfully disconnect myself from certain lines of communication, even if it means some important conversations would never get to take place due to my absence. To me, it was essentially a giant middle finger that felt good to stick high up in the air amidst my downward spiral. And I admit that in doing so, I had fallen into the temptation of violating my strong belief in the value of communication in relationships. For that I must apologize, especially to those who have been affected, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

I'm indescribably thankful for all the precious reminders on my birthday that people care about me enough to show it. Sometimes, I get so used to being weighed down that I forget what it feels like to walk freely and joyfully. But this was a precious and desperately-needed dose of encouragement - a reminder that things don't have to be the way I've come to accept them as. I enjoyed following up with each and every person who wished me well, even if it involved a lot of internal wrestling as I came to terms with my own faults. This is definitely the beginning of a renewed positive attitude, and I hope and pray for strength to effortfully commit to keeping it.