12/13: It's a strange feeling to be back at work again. Today was my first day back (since yesterday happened to be my scheduled day off), and it felt like an odd fusion of my past daily life and my current daily life. Since my in-office/telecommuting schedule remains unchanged, I worked from home today. So physically it's like nothing has changed - long stretches of time sitting at my desk staring at screens, with headphones and loud techno music to drown out the world around me. But now there's actually a reason for me to commit my butt to being seated here, with mandatory tasks to complete and strict deadlines to meet.

Looking back now, I realize that one thing that has made the past several weeks so difficult was that pretty much everything I did was on an overly flexible schedule. Yes, the baby wakes us up every morning, but if we choose to sleep in and let her cry a little longer (it's going to be part of sleep training anyway), life will go on just fine. When almost everything we need to do is more out of obligation than desire, the opportunity to procrastinate opens the door for a lot of negativity, and over time the days start to feel slower and slower.

Yesterday as I wrestled with the reality that my paternity leave was ending, I found myself often frustrated and disappointed, at times even depressed. I didn't let myself think of returning to work as either a good thing or a bad thing; to look forward to it would be to conclude that these past six weeks were truly a drag, and to do the opposite would leave me continuing to struggle to lift my spirits in my painfully slow daily life. For a while I refused to close my eyes when lying down to sleep at night - to do so would have been, in a sense, an acceptance of the reality that these past several weeks have in almost every way failed to meet my expectations. Of course, it's not that there hasn't been anything to be excited about. But there were just way too many things I had hoped for that turned out to be pretty much the exact opposite of what actually happened.

But eventually I closed my eyes and went to sleep. And when I woke up, it was to the strangely familiar sound of my alarm (which I literally haven't used in probably about a month). From that moment on it was as if I had instantly been transported back in time by a month and a half. Sure, it would have been nice to sleep a bit longer. But the fact that I had to sign in to work by a set time made me hop out of bed and get dressed without any hesitation. And no hesitation means no room to let any negative thoughts and emotions creep in. Tiffany got up too, and after a quick breakfast, it was game time - pulling out my work laptop, checking in, and going through a gazillion emails to get caught up with everything I've missed. Yes, the loud techno music was still on. But other than that, I felt like I had much more energy than I had in a long time - more determination to get things done (both at home and for work) and more of an overall sense of accomplishment and excitement.

Tiffany really wants to go back to work too and may even try to arrange to end her leave early. (Glad to know I'm not the only one here that felt like I was going insane!) In the mean time, I hope she'll manage taking care of both kids largely on her own during the day. At least she'll be hearing a little less of the nagging husband!

Tomorrow is my first day actually going back in the office, and once again I'm not sure if I should be looking forward to it or not. Yes, I can't wait to enjoy the peace and quiet, have more adult-level conversations, and hopefully treat myself to some edible surprises (knowing the people I work with, the snack counter is never empty at this time of the year!). But it's been a very long time since I had to wake up before sunrise to go somewhere, and I'm not sure how well that will pair with how hard it already is to get decent sleep.

I'm going to simply take it one day at a time, just as I've been for the past several weeks. In times like these, overthinking will definitely lead me into a mental and emotional downward spiral. It's best to just focus on what's in front of me, stop worrying about what's not, and look for the blessings that are often too easily disguised.

And right away I can see that there are many blessings indeed. Our post-delivery meal train (which for various reasons we purposely postponed until December) recently started, and it's great to be surprised with yummy food. Alisha has been able to sleep much longer between feedings at night, helping us all get better rest, and we've been doing a pretty good job of establishing routine feeding times in the day so we can plan our meals and activities around them. Thanks to Christine's generosity and expertise, we recently enjoyed a professional family photo session - something we had always wanted to do. As Christmas approaches, there are definitely family gatherings to look forward to. Plus, things at home are now settled down well enough that I hope be going out again to enjoy a car show or two before New Year's. At the end of the day, despite all the challenges we're facing, we're glad to be together - safe, healthy, and most importantly, a family.

11/30: I can't believe it's already been one month since Alisha was born. I've finally managed to cross off every last item on my to-do list from before things started getting crazy. In less than two weeks I'll be back at work, and I'm not quite sure how to feel about that. On one hand, I'm disappointed that this six-week paternity leave has gone by so fast and with so little planned productivity. But then again, I'm really looking forward to a change of pace and a good reason to be sitting at my desk all day. I really hate to say this, but as I've stated in the past, I don't particularly enjoy being around kids. I love my family to death and nothing is going to change that. But on a day-to-day basis, all the noise, energy, and work of being around kids really drains the heck out of me. Whenever I find a little time to myself that's not spent doing necessary housework or making food, I'm almost always sitting here in front of my computer with headphones on and techno music blasting loud enough to drown out the whole world around me. It often leaves me with a headache, but I'll take the headache over going insane.

It also doesn't help that in the past few days things have suddenly gotten depressingly quiet. All the Thanksgiving festivities from last week are over. Everybody's back at work and living their own daily lives. With the events associated with Ken's birthday and memorial service now in the past, the emotional fuel that had kept me going has run out, and there's also been a lot less contact with friends, exposing the harsh reality that my closest friend is now gone forever and I really don't have any sort of community outside of organized church gatherings (which there hasn't been too many of) and car shows (which I obviously haven't gone to for far too long). At this point, the days are going by painfully slowly, and I really don't feel like I have much more to lose. I've largely lost sense of what day of the week it is, and waking up each morning, one of the things I look forward to most is going back to sleep at the end of the day. Resuming work will probably help a bit, but I'll still either be working from home (meaning kids are still here since Tiffany is still on leave through December) or enjoying the tranquility of the office with even less sleep thanks to waking up insanely early to catch the train. So I can't exactly say it's something I'm particularly looking forward to either.

All this is not to say that I'm not thankful though. Alisha now has a much more regular overnight feeding schedule, which helps us all sleep better. Also, we've been blessed with the company of both sides of the family coming to visit us, often accompanied by great food. Last we had the honor of having Mom, Carol, Keona, and Lianna come over for Thanksgiving dinner - the first time we were able to open our home for a holiday family gathering. It gave me an excuse to get the place all cleaned up and also put up all our Christmas decorations early to make things feel much more festive. A while ago I had finally finished outfitting our living/dining room with a custom 8-piece surround sound system, and there's nothing like waking up to Christmas music that literally seems to fill the air.

Just like with Amias, now that one month has passed we're open to having friends come visit as well. We always love visitors, and being at home on leave makes us appreciate having people over even more. Yes, I may often seem (or actually be) busy. But honestly, I don't know what I'd do without the people who reach out and show care and concern for us. You're literally one of the main reasons I want to wake up every morning. I hope and pray that each day God may grant me the wisdom to be thankful and recognize life's many blessings, even if they may appear hard to see.

11/26: I'm not one for binge shopping or spontaneous spending, but in light of all the Black Friday and Cyber Monday sales, this time of the year tends to be good for considering various large purchases or upgrades. There are several things on my list (camera, computer, computer accessories) that I've put off once again mostly because I simply didn't have adequate time and energy to research. But I did manage to get one big home upgrade taken care of-

11/21: At last, things are a bit more settled down now, and despite still being absurdly busy, I find myself with at least a little more time to enjoy being with Tiffany, Amias, and Alisha. In the midst of so many unexpected twists and turns over the past month or so, the one thing that happened surprisingly close to our prediction was that Alisha came earlier than the expected due date. While I've learned from our first pregnancy to simply drown out the excessive number of voices citing statistics and trying to give us ideas of what to expect, I've also identified certain biologically-supported stats that can be useful for planning, specifically that the second baby tends to come out earlier and more quickly than the first. Given that Amias came over two weeks earlier than his expected due date (and caught Tiffany and I completely off guard), we planned accordingly for Alisha, both for work and at home. So when Tiffany needed to get to the hospital, we were pretty much already prepared and ready to go at any moment. And it turned out the margin of time between Alisha's actual birth date and her expected due date was almost exactly the same as Amias'.

I was able to take Tiffany to the hospital myself this time since it was a Saturday morning. We naturally expected the baby to be born that night, both because the doctor predicted so and because Amias was also born the night of the same day Tiffany was admitted. So when it started getting very late at night and Alisha still didn't come, we both started getting a bit antsy. That's the problem with doing this for the second time - while having previous experience can help us manage our expectations, it can also cause us to draw unnecessary comparisons that lead to disappointment. Plus, there were a few unexpected setbacks that left us both exhausted as we entered the early morning hours with still no baby in sight.

Thankfully, that all changed the next morning. The baby was born, and everything happened naturally and smoothly, with Alisha and Tiffany both safe and healthy. The following night, I brought Amias to go pick them up and bring them home.

11/14: Throughout the process of preparing for Ken's memorial service and grieving over his passing, I had a few very vivid dreams about him. In one dream, he woke up from his sleep not knowing everyone had thought he died. Unfortunately, that was far from reality. In another, someone approached me telling me that a surprise birthday party had already been planned for Ken and asking me what to do now that he's gone. I thought about it and responded, "let's have the party anyway. It's what Ken would have wanted."

Fast forward to lunch after last week's memorial service. All of those who were close to Ken knew that his birthday would have been in less than a week. It turned out Ken's mom had expressed a desire to have a party on his birthday, with everything already paid for, to get his closer friends together and celebrate his life one more time. In the days that followed, plans were solidified and invitations were sent out. My dream, which I had thought was only a dream, was actually becoming reality.

Last night was the birthday party, held at Justin and Belinda's house, complete with an epic of selection of food - sushi, Korean friend chicken, Hawaiian barbecue ribs, a charcuterie board, dessert pastries, doughnuts, and of course a birthday cake. Ken's mom decided to be there as well (as opposed to simply buying the food and letting the "kids" enjoy the party), and I had the honor of picking her up and bringing her there. We had a great chat during the car ride, and it left me with no doubt that while Ken's passing is irreversibly tragic, his mom was truly blessed by how so many of his friends honored him at the memorial service and offered support to her.

The party was like nothing I had ever experienced before. The birthday boy himself was clearly not there, yet in a sense it actually felt like he was. Over 20 people showed up, and while some parties can get so festive that guests forget what they're actually celebrating, this time there was no doubt why we were gathered admidst all the feasting. The slideshow from the memorial service, which I had edited a few days earlier to include a recorded version of the piano music I played at the service to accompany it, played in the background on a large TV screen. (Apparently Justin enjoyed the music so much that he kept playing it repeatedly.) The familiar faces, the familiar sights and sounds... in a way it was as if we were re-experiencing the memorial service all over again. But this time it was much less about mourning and much more about celebrating.

And celebrate we certainly did. From the moment I heard this party was happening, I knew exactly what I would bring - Ken's old bottle of Grey Goose that had been sitting in my cabinet. No, it wasn't the same bottle that I roasted him in my speech for, but it was still a very old bottle - the one I mentioned at the end of my speech that I would only take out when he came over and that I wished we got to take one more shot together from. I don't even remember how that huge bottle ended up in my cabinet, but I do remember joking with Ken on many occasions that it was taking up too much space in my cabinet, especially given that there wasn't much left in it. In fact, there was probably only enough left for two or three more shots, and I'm almost certain we would have finally finished it together had I been able to invite him over for steak to celebrate his birthday again.

11/08: I'm pretty sure this past week and a half or so has been among the craziest in my entire life - crazy enough that something as significant as having a new baby was announced only through a brief mention in the previous entry which was actually about someone else's passing. It's already been over a week since Baby Alisha entered the world, but to be honest, the truth still hasn't quite hit me yet. Yes, I teared up briefly the moment I first saw her face. But that was about all the emotional energy I had left to give at the time. Shortly after I dropped off Tiffany the previous morning at the hospital where she was admitted for delivery, I parked under a random tree and had my first Facetime meeting to discuss plans for Ken's memorial service, which I would be partially responsible for organizing. From then on, my life pretty much revolved entirely around being tossed back and forth between anticipation of the baby and preparation for the funeral, congratulations on new life and condolences for the loss. Quite an emotional rollercoaster, to say the least. And the ongoing lack of sleep certainly hasn't helped either.

The previous entry was actually originally written about a week prior to the post date, in the days just following Ken's passing. But as details of the memorial service began coming together and I began preparing my remembrance speech, it only made sense that the two were finalized alongside each other for the sake of making sure no important details got missed. From the evening I first received the news of Ken's unexpected passing from his mom, I was forced to take on roles I had never played before, beginning with contacting our close mutual friends to inform them of what happened. Because I was among just a few of Ken's friends who knew his mom personally, I knew that I was among the first to find out what happened. I had no clue how to initiate conversations bearing such heavy news. No less difficult was hearing each friend's initial response. This was one of those precious rare occasions where, even in today's excessively technologically driven and socially distant world, many people simply skipped the texts and responded with a good old-fashioned phone call. What needed to be said was already said, and all that was left was to hear each other's voices and mourn and bear the shock together.

As word spread in the coming days, I was deeply comforted by the many people who reached out to me to see how I was doing, knowing that I was so close to Ken. It was as if they saw my relationship with him as that of family, that of brothers. And that would certainly be no exaggeration, given how long we had known each other and how much we had impacted each other's lives. In fact, given that Ken's mom was pretty much his only close family member here, it was largely assumed since the beginning that his closest friends would have an active and prominent role in giving him a proper sendoff.

And what a priceless opportunity it was to work with his other closest friends, who happened to be none other than Justin and Belinda. What most people don't know is that I actually knew Justin long before Ken did, when we both went to Troy High School. Unfortunately we didn't keep in touch after graduation. But fast forward probably about a decade, and Ken began attending the same church as him, where they eventually became close friends. There wasn't a single time I saw Ken that he didn't talk about Justin, Belinda, and their kids, and while Justin and I both still remembered each other and heard much about each other through Ken, we didn't have much opportunity to reconnect - until now.

It was a tragedy that brought us together again, but it was certainly a moment to cherish as we got to catch up and share our memories of Ken through different facets of his life. The three of us worked alongside Ken's mom (with help from my mom to translate information to Chinese) to put together the memorial service and go through various legal documents, all of which were things I had never thought I would be getting involved with anytime soon. Amidst a flood of details, ideas, logistics, and concerns, not to mention my lack of sleep with the new baby, one thing held us together - our love for Ken and unwavering desire to send him off in the best way possible.

Of the things I ended up responsible for, the only one that came somewhat naturally to me was playing piano (something Ken's mom had requested). And thanks to Justin and Belinda's suggestion, my time at the piano was limited to the slideshow while someone else played the background music before and after the service. At first, I was more eager to play for the entire service thinking it was my way of giving Ken and his family my best. But their suggestion turned out to be truly insightful; having someone else play at the beginning and end allowed me - as one of Ken's best friends - to be free to fellowship with the many others who showed up, and playing live music for the slideshow allowed me truly exercise creativity without being limited to soft background music. The first song that initially came to my mind was "I Can Only Imagine", and it was also the first song that Justin and Belinda suggested. There was no question it was meant to be.

I was also tasked with reading the eulogy, plus sharing a remembrance speech alongside Ken's cousin and Justin and Belinda. Public speaking was never something I loved or was good at, but in this case, my lack of sleep worked in my favor since I was too exhausted to really care about what people thought or what was going on around me. The only thing on my mind was sharing my most genuine, most heartfelt words about Ken, and that's exactly what I did. It was through the preparation of those words that I began to shed the most tears. And it was through the emotions behind those tears that I prepared my piano arrangement of "I Can Only Imagine". I thought I did a decent job of managing my time in getting everything done throughout the week, but even so, nothing on my end seemed anywhere close to ready until yesterday morning just before heading out to Rose Hills for the service.

In a sense the whole process was, ironically, almost like preparing for a wedding - countless hours of planning, organizing, practicing, coordinating with different people, and managing different emotions... except time was much more limited, and the responsibility was much heavier to carry. The day finally came, and a larger-than-anticipated crowd gathered at the chapel to celebrate and honor Ken's life together, including friends from past stages of life that I had not seen in many years. Justin, Belinda, and I saw each other in person for the first time since having chatted about the service online or via text. I also saw Ken's mom for the first time after she first contacted me what felt like ages ago about Ken's passing. I read the eulogy and shared my speech, which consisted of both laughter and grief, reminiscing and roasting. You know someone is truly a brother when he roasts you at your funeral. Sometimes the best way to remember and honor someone isn't to simply follow traditions and rituals out of respect, but rather to be absolutely real and act and talk like they are in the room watching and listening. A few guys showed up wearing Lakers jerseys. Justin also gave Ken a roast or two. Shortly after the speeches, I found myself at the piano while the slideshow played. It was one of those priceless moments where I found myself so engaged in making music that nothing else around me actually mattered anymore. After countless hours of writing and practicing, it was time to give Ken my best, and that's exactly what I did.

There was one last thing to do after the service - I put on white gloves and joined several others in carrying the casket out of the chapel. It was unanimously agreed that Justin and I should take the lead on each side. I can only say I'm humbled and honored beyond description. It's easy to feel honored when getting to speak in public, perform live music, or take any position of importance. But in this case, it's also truly humbling and truly beyond what I deserve. For my whole life I've struggled with making friends. And now this memorial service will forever remind me that my friendship with Ken is a blessing from God that I will always hold close to my heart.

Many friends stayed for a long time outside the chapel to chat and catch up. Some discussed possible plans for reunions and other gatherings to rekindle old friendships. Those of us who stuck around until the end - including several friends that Ken and I grew up with and several friends from Justin and Belinda's church, decided to go out for lunch at none other than Tokyo Lobby, one of our frequently visited restaurants back in the GCCI days. It was definitely not the same being there without Ken. But seeing friends from different social circles come together in fellowship, not to mention enjoying good food, would have been exactly what he wanted. And our gathering and ongoing friendships testify that he will always be among us in spirit.

I've been so busy and emotionally consumed in the past week and a half or so that I haven't actually allowed myself to feel tired except at night when I closed my eyes and would fall asleep almost immediately and remain asleep until the baby was ready for another feeding. I can't describe how thankful I am for Tiffany, who not only had to miss Ken's service despite also being a close friend of his, but also took care of both kids pretty much entirely on her own while I focused on funeral preparations and other time-sensitive and emotionally draining tasks. We had decided to keep Amias at home during our paternity/maternity leave to spend more time together as a family and help him cope with the addition of the baby, and it was my intention from the beginning to play an active role in spending time with him so he doesn't feel neglected in any way. But that obviously hasn't happened yet. At least we had anticipated that the baby would come early, so in many ways we were already prepared. And we're certainly thankful that she did come early, so we wouldn't run the risk of Tiffany having to go to the hospital in the middle of Ken's service.

Still, there's a heck of a lot of catching up that I still need to do, and I'm only allowing myself a brief break to write this entry before jumping back into crossing things off my seeming endless and constantly growing to-do list. In the weeks leading up to Ken's passing and Alisha's birth, things were already starting to pile up due to time spent addressing several unexpected problems at home, including a broken fridge/freezer requiring professional repair and an ongoing indoor cricket infestation that I still have yet to bring under control. Add to that a bunch of paperwork for the new baby, a bunch of other time-sensitive and time-consuming documents requiring my attention, and frequent hospital visits for baby check-ups, plus constantly making sure diapers, formula, and other necessities are replentished and squeezing in time here and there to spend with the family, and I honestly don't see myself getting much of a break for at least another week. If time permits, I'm hoping to attend small group tomorrow night - a desperately-needed breather and time of spiritual replentishing. And I definitely hope to begin taking on a more active role in helping Tiffany, Amias, and Alisha at home soon.

In closing, I just want to say a quick thanks to everyone who attended Ken's memorial service yesterday or offered support for his family. We really witnessed the power of so many people coming together in unity during this difficult time. I'm also thankful for those who encouraged me about my speech and music yesterday, as well as those who stood by me in this past week both in grief and in joy. It was definitely hard being congratulated for the baby while at a funeral, or receiving condolences on my phone while at the hospital with a newborn. I generally tend to be more task-oriented and can often forget the importance of relationships. But this is one of those times when I truly see and feel how precious it is to be surrounded by those who really care. Things have certainly not been easy, but I'm just so glad to know that I'm not alone.

11/04: I was never good at making friends. As a kid, my narrow scope of hobbies and lack of any talent or interest in sports made it hard to connect with peers. Plus, I was socially awkward. Okay, fine, I still am. Most people I now interact naturally with either attend an organized group (such as a church) with me or share my insane obsession with cars, and our conversations seldom go beyond the boundaries of what brought us together in the first place. So when organizations dissolve or people's interests and priorities change, I tend to struggle with expressing my desire for continued friendships. Most of my friends growing up were girls, simply because it was a lot easier for me to interact with them without feeling like I was too weird or too different, and our lack of external commonalities actually helped us naturally stay in touch through different stages of life.

As adults, it's certainly easier to recognize a universal need for companionship and prioritize it above petty differences and imperfections. Still, I struggle with building and maintaining quality friendships, especially with other guys. Of the few guys that I was closer with back in my high school and college years, most ended up either losing touch or moving far away. Add in all the responsibilities of marriage, children, and jobs, and maintaining close quality contact becomes nearly impossible.

But throughout the years there has always been one notable exception. And that's the story I'm here to tell.