04/29: finally... finished my stOopid geography esssay. its supposed to be 4-5 pages long but i kept writing and writing and when i finished it was 8 pages... so i had to start shrinking it down... and that was the hardest part. but yea... its down to 5.5 and i think i'll stick with it. the essay is supposed to be about cultural geopgraphy in beverly hills, west hollywood, and downtown LA (remember that really fun bus ride last time?). it was soo hard to decide wut to focus my essay on, but at last i decided on cars and buildings... so i got to write about rice rockets and everything =). and now i'm at the CS coputer lab killing time cuz i have like 10 minutes before i should go to IV. and this computer's keyboard sucks cuz its soo loud and if i type fast then i'll prolly be bothering eveyone else here.. thats why theres so many tpyos. hehe anyways i cant wait to go to IV... today's worship will be really really fun.. rini is leading for the first time and on monday we barely practiced at all cuz we kept on doing exercises on color instruments. we were tryin to make the electric geetar go crazy... DistORTioN!! hehehe it was soo funny anyways then after IV im gonna go watch Mystic River. yupyup another movie =). and tomorrow i'm goin home at noon again... emily(shih) told me theres this barbeque thingy at DBHS and i really wanna go but i'll only go if she goes cuz i havnet seen her in soooooo freakin long. hehe then saturday i mite go bug-catching with catherine cuz she seems pretty desperate. hehe ok now im jus starting to babble.. as i mentioned earlier, im jus tryin 2 kill time. hehe guess i'll play minesweeper or sumthin... byebye!

04/27: smoked music history quiz, smoked life sci quiz, and did pretty well on the midterm, at least much better than i expected, considering i didnt start studying until yesterday afternoon, and i paid like NO attention in lecture at all. all i did was sleep, draw, and eat haw flakes.. jen knows wut im talkin about =). jus got bak from watching Superrsize me... very interesting movie... a funny but true documentary about fast food... this guy decided to go on a 30-day mcdonalds-only diet... and the results are crazy. definitely something worth watching when it comes out.

04/25: update for yesterday: i've been lookin forward to this day for a LONG time... and it finally came =). disneyland!! hehe yupup and happy birthday crystal!! special thanks to anna(wang) who got up early and drove to disneyland just to sign me, jessica, and crystal in. i first went to jessicas house to pick them up, then anna met us at the front entrance... and u kno the strangest thing? jessica and anna know each other!! as the song and ride says, it's a small world after all. haha... they knew each other cuz they both playe dpiano before and had CMs right after each other for two years in a row. and now they meet again! hehe ok well as with most disneyland trips, there's a LOT to write about... but i'll try to keep it short and simple before u get bored (if ur not bored alreadi)... crystal and i both had digital cameras... hers has long battery life and small memory card. mine has short battery life and big memory card. and the problem is: our cameras use different batteries and memory. and the other problem: jessica LOVES taking pictures, especially when we pass by flowers... and disneyland is literally filled with flowers. and dun forget the huge colorful ones in its a small world! hehe o and by the way, our 'free' passes let us into both disneyland and california adventure! and so i got to go to calif adv for the first time =). of course one day wasn't nearly enough to go through all the rides we wanted to... and we originally planned on leaving in the evening, except we deicded to stay for the electrical parade and then leave. usually when people are at disneyland they tend to rush and get on every ride possible since they paid so much to get in. for us, it was totally chill... we could just sit there and look at the scenery adn wander around aimlessly and not feel like we're wasting our money at all. the only relaly long line (70 minutes) we waited at was for 'soarin over california'... such a cool ride!! i love it soo much =). and u kno that little restaurant thingy in pirates of teh caribbean? i finally realized that it was actually a real restaurant with real people! yea i know im soo stOopid... o yea and we were gonna get fastpass for splash mountain (the longest line ever), but then crystal didn't look carefully and got fastpass for winnie the pooh instead... and the line for that was like 2 minutes so they didn't even have a fastpass line. haha owellz o yea and i ran into lisa-anne (from troy) while coming out of indiana jones! haha isnt it soo weird to run into people at disneyland? ok so to sum up the afternoon, we had a great time walkign around and going on rides and talking and shopping... we didnt exactly buy anything but we tried on a whole mess of hats and took pictures. i was surprised the store manager people didn't stop us from takin pics with their merchandise... cuz i would assume most stores don't allow that. but yea... we took a LOT of pics for the whole day (mostly of flowers! hehe). and it was getting dark and all the rides were way too long so we jus watched those cool 3D movie thingys and checked out the disney stores... o and there was that new ride... the tower of terror... its not open yet but its already finished and it looks REALLY cool... ask me for a pic if u want to see it. we stayed at calif adv until 8:30 and watched the parade. i didnt even know the electrical parade was back until crystal told me. she's like a disneyland expert and we almost never had to use the park maps. hehe i love the parade sooo much.. its so cool how they synthesized talking into chords in the intro... but i liked the old version better when they said 'main street electrical parade'. owellz anyways after the parade we rushed out to avoid traffic, cuz thats when a billion other ppl also leave the park. jessica planned to go to TGI Fridays for dinner, and crystal and i both had no idea why until we got there. actually we almost got lost cuz we didnt know exactly where it was, and i jus remembered it was across from the mall, and its been soo long since i was in orange county. but at last we still found it =). it turns out TGI fridays has a special surprise for birthday people... before serving our food, the waitress came with a bunch of balloons and tied them on strands of crystal's hair! so her hair was liek randomly being pulled in the air with balloons floating above her. sOo funny!! of course i took plenty of pics of that =). then of course they did the cool happy b-day song and gave us a cake. gOsh we had sooo much fun... hehe then i sent them back to jessicas house and we chilled there until crystal's whole family came to pick her up. gOsh they love her soo much! hehe then i stayed wtih jess and mike (her bro) for another 10 min or so until like midnight then i finally went home. so yea... very long but very very fun day. and of course, i'll have the pics posted online when i have time =).

ok now about today... another verry very fun day. this week was rose's b-day (gosh so many bdays!) and i promised to take her out to lunch. so after church me her and esther (her church friend) went to life plaza and ate and talked for a long long time... they taught me a lot about "strawbeerries' hehe then we wanted to take pictures so we went to Cue. yea finally i know wut Cue is now... stephenie always tells me about it and she already took like 5000 pictures there and i didnt know wut da heck it is until today. too bad they dun give a lot of copies of the pics like the mall place does.. so i cant give them out to anybody... but owellz it was soo fun. and i'll definitely scan them and put them all online =). so yea.. another great day. this was like the best weekend ever. so many unforgettable moments.... well im bak at school now and about to begin a very busy week. music hist quiz tuesday morning, followed by life sci midterm, then life sci discussion quiz... nd then friday my geog essay's due. and of course, two more movies this week too =). hehe so yea im gonna shut up and go unpack now byebye!

04/23: its always great to find out ur friend has something very closely in common with you... because of tomorrow's all-day celebration, i moved math tutoring to this afternoon. i gave steph(liang) a ride home from school and after workin on math we were both bored so we went outside and sat in a parking space (cuz there was shade) and talked for a realli long time... we found out we both luv to help ppl with their problems a lot, and when we have our own problems, we both like to take a walk away from the world and find secret and quiet places to think and reflect. it seemed like i was the only person i know who enjoys sitting under a tree like a monk... and most people couldn't understand how important the things i learned from solotime are to me... but apparently steph does =). so we obviously had a lot to talk about. and she had nuthin to do at nite so she came to the chinese adult cell which was at my house, and we went outside and walked up to the top of the hill to talk and look at the view. it was sOooo beautiful, especially cuz it was like extra clear and the stars were super bright. we had sooo much fun talkin and taking pictures of the city lights and stars. hehe hope we get to go again sometime soon =)

04/21: crystal's birthday celebration, part i =). i met with jessica on top of the puzzles steps, and we went to meet with amy and anna in front of sproul, then we went to the 2nd floor to meet with james n scott, and we waited for crystal to come out into the hallway and *SUrpriSE!* hehe... then we began our walk down the hill to the "ACA meeting" (which apparnetly didnt fool anyone)... sean joined us at the sproul turnaround and lois met us at the bruin bear... then we all went to westwood to have a big dinner at Olive Garden! it took us longer than expected to get there, and luckily they didnt cancel our reservation (yet). u kno... its been FOREVER since i had real italian food (pizza hut duznt really count). real spaghetti and minestrone soup is sooo much better than the dining hall ones. haha... so yea we had a nice fancy dinner... it was sOo fun! hopefully crystal enjoyed it all. hehe o and i forgot to mention, her REAL birthday is on Saturday, but we decided to celebrate tonite cuz i have IV tomorrow so i cant make it (gOsh i feel so special). but of course, this is only part i. guess who's special enough to spend saturday with the birthday gurl? me and jessica! hehe yupyup we're goin to Disneyland! and my cool friend anna(wang) has agreed to take us in for FREE. actually i promised crystal and jessica about this trip like in march... but then a lot of random stuffs happened and i was afraid it wasn't gonna happen after all. but now everything's worked out and we will go to disneyland as planned =). gOsh its gonna be sooo fun... i cant wait!! ok well thats all i hafta say now.. happy early b-day crystal! hehe... byebye!

04/18: did you know i'm actually half ethiopian? i mean... do you BELIEVE that i'm half ethiopian? probably not... but thao and holly did!! haha... we went to lunch at some japanese restaurant and afterwards holly asked me if im full chinese cuz she said i dun look like full chinese... and i was like 'no im half ethiopian, u didnt know that?' and for a moment she and thao were like totally stunned... until i started laughing uncontrollably. gOsh those few seconds made my day =).

04/16: soooo many things to do this weekend, i had to sacrifice some, but at last everything is worked out =). its 11PM and im still at school cuz i had to stay to do my geography project. but it was soooooooo fun! i think i mentioned it earlier, but basically the assignment is to take the #2 metro bus down susnet blvd to downtown, and analzye the geography along the way. crystal, jessica, james and i both had (different) classes until noon, so then we got everything we needed and met in crystal's room and went to puzzles to get some drinks, then headed for the bus stop to start our adventure. we walked all the way down to the westwood/leconte bus stop and waited and waited and waited... and we had to ask people around us for help cuz the bus wasnt coming when it was supposed to... and then it finally came so we bought daypasses and got on... and we already started our analysis for a while when crystal pointed out sumthin important - we were going WEST, and downtown is EAST. not good... so we got off the bus and waited for the bus on the opposite direction, then we took that bus all the way back to where we first began... and u kno wut sucks? the bus actually had a stop in front of DeNeve! why didnt the stOopid professor tell us that so we could have waited there instead? hehe... anyways after all that trouble (it was actually kinda fun), we were finally goin the right way. it was kinda hard for me to do analysis at first, cuz we were in Beverly Hills, and knowing me it should be obvious that i cant get my eyes off all the nice cars. there was a 360 spider rite in front of the bus, and i also saw an aston martin and maserati. sOo crazy. well the map says that the intersection of sunset and western is the heart of koreatown... and we all kinda had our minds set on some quality asian food away from the dorms. so we stopped adn got off. and apparently either the map lied or koreatown never existed. there wasn't a single korean in sight, and no korean restaurants or stores or anything. so we walked a couple blocks to find somewhere to eat, then settled on a thai restaurant. of course, i got my thai fried rice =). it was SOOOoo good! and since its like 3:30 already we wer ethe only people in teh whole restaurant. they had really really good service too... and they agreed to put up with our pickiness when it came to choosing wut to put in our food. and of course, even though i asked for my rice to be only 'a little spicy', it was liek crazy insane spicy and i was totally sweating and crying... its actually kinda funny. and i had to drink sOo much water. and then after lunch we went to the 99-cent store across the street and got ice cream bars =).

anyways.. we were having WAY too much fun but we still had to finish the rest of our bus ride downtown... so we went to teh stop and waited and waited... suddenly i heard this lady go 'get the f*** away from me' to this black dude.. and he kept on bugging her and wouldnt leave her alone, and at the end she screamed and walked down the sidewalk, and he followed really relaly closely... i dunno wut he wants to do but he's definitely an idiot, since he already got everyone's attention, so we all stared at them until the lady went in a building and the guy walked the opposite way really far... anyways, back on the bus =). so there we were, four azn kids with papers and pens, frantically taking notes and talking about the buildings and the people adn everything... and this one other guy sitting by us asked us wut we were doing cuz he thought we were critiquing the archetecture or sumthin... soo funny! hehe so yea we took that bus all the way downtown until the last stop.. and then we got off and waited for the reverse bus to take us back. on da way bak jess was taking pictures liek crazy... we got pics of denny's and borders and everything! hehe then we were back in the super rich community and guess wut i saw... a MAYBACH. yupyup... my very first time seeing a maybach on the street. i almost died when i saw it. anyways, we wanted to take the bus up to the deneve stop, but for some reason it didnt go that way, and it took us down westwood instead.... so we had to do even more walking. and jessica had like 20 minutes to go up to hedrick adn pack before going home. ok anyways... it was like almost 8 when i got bak 2 my room... but i could still taste the yummy fried rice from lunch, and so i was really not in the mood to end the schoolweek with dorm food. so i skipped dinner and had tea in my room =). so yea... very fun and productive day. my mom's taking a while to pick me up, so guess im gonna go shower first so when i get home i can go straight to bed.

04/15: i'm officially part of the InterVarsity worship team now!! *sOo happy* actually the rest of the team already led last week, but for some reason i didn't know about the practice time/location, so i missed out =(. but this monday we practiced again, and i finally got to meet the whole team, and tonight we all led worship together. i got to see the fellowship from the front for the very first time... as usual i was really nervous, but somehow i had much more fun than i thought i would. praise god =). im totally looking forward to being able to serve god through music on campus every single week for the next year...

04/14: you wont believe wut happened for dinner tonight... i got to eat with Thao ALONE!!! yes, we all know thao... the girl who has more friends than i can ever imagine... the one who has visitors sleeping in her room almost every night... the one who can never walk to class without talking to like 50 people on the way... and the one who is never seen eating with less than a dozen people at her table... she chose to eat with me alone!!! it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience! hehe... we talked a lot about random stuff and church stuff... and then i went to chill in her room for the next couple hours, until i came bak to my room to sleep. thao says we're gonna find time to eat alone again sometime... can it be possible? haha... guess i'll jus wait and see =)

04/13: its tuesday of 2nd week, and i guess i've been in class long enough to give an overview of how this quarter's treating me so far...

Geography 3 (MWF 10:00AM, discussion M 1:00PM): professor cosgrove is pretty interesting, especially when he spent a whole lecture last friday talking about the origin of chocolate. i learned a lot of new stuff, but its kinda hard to stay awake, since there's really not much variety in lecturing on cultural geography. luckily crystal jessica and james are all in my class, so we get to keep each other company. and we're all in teh same discussion too! other than exams, our only homework is two projects, one of which we have to take a bus downtown and analyze the geography on the way there. seems like lots of fun... especially since we're all gonna do it on the same day =). well u kno wut really sucks about the class? there's no textbook, but our course reader is $99... yes im paying a freakin benjamin for a COURSE READER. the TA says it's because of "intellectual material copyright". BS... show me a few nobel prizes first and maybe i'll believe it... hehe ok enough talk about this class...

Music History 134 (TR 9:00AM, discussion F 11:00AM): history of Beethoven... very interesting class. this is the only class im taking this quarter where i dun have any friends to sit by... but the subject itself is fun enough to keep me awake, even in a 2-hour lecture (luckily professor knapp gives us a 5-min break during every lecture). maybe the reason i like the class so much is cuz we get to listen to music for half the lecture, and also i already know a lot of the stuff being taught. but other than that, i know dis class is important if i want to switch to music major, so i better work hard and do well =)

Life Sci 15 (TR 11:00AM, discussion T 3:00PM): haven't taken a biology class since freshman year in high school, so most of this stuff doesnt even seem like review to me. hehe... at least me and jen can keep each other entertained through the lectures... and i was fortunate enough to pursuade jen to switch to the same discussion as me. today was the 2nd discussion, and it really seems more like a 2-hour TA lecture + quiz rather than a discussion... i was totally falling asleep halfway through it, so i kept drawing to keep myself awake =). but in general life sci isn't too boring or too hard, at least not compared to last quarter's chem and math classes. and since discussion ends at 5, it leaves me and jen just enough time to go up to the dorms for a quick dinner, then go line up at the front of the line for all the free movie screenings =). yea, i kno... tuesday's such a busy day... but at least all my activities fit in perfectly.

Music History 189 (T 2:00PM): seriou5ly... without a doubt, God is paving the road for me on my way to becoming a music major... i started this quarter taking 15 units, and i've been thinking about adding a 1- or 2-unit seminar or somethin jus for the heck of it... but i didnt know wut to take. then professor knapp (my beethoven history professor) sent an email to the whole class seeing if anyone was interested in an honors seminar in addition to the class. basically the group meets once a week for only an hour, with the professor himself! and it counts for one unit and will show as an additional class on my transcript. of course... how could i possibly reject such an offer? and luckily there was enough interest in the seminar to turn it into reality. and the meeting time is as perfect as it can get... duznt interfere with lunch, and ends just before my life sci discussion. the class is only less than a dozen students, and we all sat in a circle and introduced ourselves... and so i got to meet the professor in person, and even got to tell him i want to switch to a music major. and he seems very supportive about it. he'll probably remember the honors students more than the rest of the class, and im sure his support will help me big time when i'm ready to switch majors...

sOo... thats it for my classes this quarter... but as i mentioned earlier, my tuesday classes end just in time for a movie. so guess wut i did tonight... hehe... this quarter's movie sneaks are INSANE. so far there's Mean Girls (tonight), Laws of Attraction, Supersize Me, Troy, and probably 4 or 5 more TBA. jen and i got in line at 6:20 and the line was already longer than usual, but for some reason there was an abandoned table near the front, so we claimed it =). thank god we went early, cuz believe it or not the line for this movie was TWICE as long as any other sneak i've seen before... lets see... the line went halfway around the entire Ackerman building, and then the ticket line went from the wristband table around kerchoff, halfway to moore, and then looped back to the table. and there were still sooo many pplz coming. i was sooo lucky we got a table, otherwise there's no way we could get in, cuz half the people in line ended up getting locked out cuz the theatre was full. sooo sorry to those of u who couldnt get in... next time come meet me at like 7 and u can join my table in the front =). and if the ticket line is too long, i always keep a few front-of-the-line passes in my pocket (come on... there's no such thing as sneaking into a free movie). so yea... about the movie itself, i really really liked it. much more interesting than wut the trailer shows. after the movie the crowd walking back up bruinwalk was bigger than when everyone gets out of class to go back for lunch. i took my time walking up, cuz i wanted to keep my goodies in mint condition =). yupyup, there were some nice goodies... lets hope there's also some people who are desperate for those goodies! hehehe and then jen and i met with van and kevin and we went to chill at crossroads for a while, and kevn jacked a whole bag full of napkins! hehe soo funny... o and btw in case u havent heard, kevin and i will be roommates next year =). so if u need napkins, come to our room! hehe... ok well its very late now and i should really go to sleep. good night!

04/11: happy easter everyone! congratz to all of u who got baptized today... welcome to god's family! =) hehe gosh its been such a great weekend. friday night: my moms cellgroup was at my house, and ken wu came with his mom and we chilled the whole night. and then saturday i spent the whole afternoon at the mall with lucy, betty, and yan. i didnt even know yan was gonna go, and when i saw her she was like 'remember me?' (since we only met once like a long time ago) and i told her to give me a hint, and she kept saying 'yan'... but i swear last time i met her her name was 'yon' so it took me forever to figure out how stOopid i was. hehe i hadnt been to the mall in a long time, and i havent seen lucy betty and yan in FOREVER, so it was soo great to reunite =). we ran into catherine at the foodcourt, and she was with her cool sunny hills friends (traitor! hehe)... and then after eating we were gonna go watch a movie but for some reason we decided not to... so we jus shopped the entire time (i already watch enough movies anyways... hehe). and then in Papaya i ran into michelle and annie... such a surprise they actually remember me. hehe and michelle was lining up to pay but she broke a hanger! so she had to run back adn get a new one... sOo funny! hehe and then at night i went to meet with my uncle (from taiwan) for dinner... Korean BBQ!!! sOoOo good *drools* and then i decided not to go to cellgroup cuz everyone was out eating and i figured by the time we all got to juliann's house there wouldn't be time to have cell at all. and of course, that left me the rest of the night to practice like crazy for this morning's special performance by my cool cousin stephanie. she sang 'why' by nichole nordeman... such a good song! and i was soo honored to be her special pianist. and seriou5ly i havent played for a performance (worshipteam duznt really count) for a LONG time, and i really missed having to practice hard to go on stage and getting nervous in case i mess up. and also i got to play for robert's worship team too =). very very fun =). o and after worship i sat in the front by myself, and while we had time to greet each other i heard someone call my name and looked bak... it was madelyn! haha such a surprise... i totlaly didnt expect her there. and before worship tiffany(tai) gave me this really good lemon honey green tea wutever thingy and its soo good! now she owes me more next time =). and tonight there was this potluck thing at robert/catherine's house but i couldnt go cuz i had to get back to school. so to the pplz who expected to see me there but ended up soooo sad cuz i didnt go (haha yea rite....), im soo sorry! ok anyways so after church i was gonna go home but then i called thao and ended up going to HOC to hang out. people there are sooooo nice and friendly =). and afterwards i went home and took a nap then packed my stuff to get ready to leave. o and jessica came to my house while i was eating dinner cuz she needed a ride to school too. and we were reading geography together and it was soooooo confusing! everything is all philosophical and every other word is like 4+ syllables... we couldnt understand anything! *feels stOopid* hopefully the TA will explain all the readings. and that reminds me... i still have about 60 pages to read for tomorrow' discussion! haha stOopid me owellz i guess im gonna go read now. byebye!

04/08: its pretty late rite now and i jus got bak from ackerman after watchign "big fish". yupyup, quarter just started and i'm already watching movies again. of course, its mostly cuz i love big fish. it definitely brings back a lot of precious memories, as some of you may recall. and at the end i kept remembering that while i watched the incredible life story of a man come to an end on the (real) movie screen, i was living through the best moments of my own story =). ok well enough about that... now its like past midnite and i still need to shower and sleep. i feel like skipping breakfast tomorrow, but i still have to get jessica a muffin =). and i would feel really bad if i dont, cuz she brought me food to the movie. and of course, i plan on geting up early for solo time. this quarter my class schedule is a lot better grouped than last quarter, but the bad part is that i dun have gaps to sit at the garden by myself. luckily my mon-wed-fri classes dun start until 10, so i can eat breakfast at normal time and do solotime until its time for class. and its soo nice sitting outside early in the morning. my plans for this quarter are to read "the purpose-driven life" for the 2nd time... the first time was sooooo great and i hope the second will be even better, cuz i know there's still so much to learn from the book that i haven't picked up yet. but anyways, i just realized that since it's already so late, i really shoudl go shower so i can get to sleep as soon as possible. so yea... good nite everybody! o yea and tomorrow i'm going home at noon! and i think i'll be doing that quite often this quarter due to my improved friday schedule =). pretty busy most of the weekend, cuz of easter sunday church activities... im playing for worship and also for steph when she goes up to sing a special song. and of cours all that requires a lot of practice. but the best thing about going home at noon is that my friday nights are now open! that leaves one additional night to go hang out and chill and do wutevers... ok well i think i can go on babbling forever, but i realyl really need to go sleep so i'll really shut up now! good nite! *finally leaves for reals*

04/07: I LOVE CHEFS!!!!!! hehehe i had a very interesting encounter during dinner at rieber today... we (me jessica crystal lois van kevin) were sitting at a big table, and at the table behind us there were a bunch of chefs also eating, probably taking a break from their work. so suddenly this chef comes and sits down with a huge plate of yummy-looking chicken tenders. and me, van, and kevin all wondered where they got it, so we got up right away and frantically searched the dining hall, only to come back empty-handed. then kevin went and asked one of the chefs where they got the chicken, and he pointed to one of the kitchens and we went there, but they didnt have any =(. so we gave up and sat down to eat what was left of our own food. then suddenly i hear a chef calling me, so i turned around. and he was holding the plate of chicken tenders with three pieces left, and he asked if we wanted it. at first i didnt even know wut to say... but the chefs were seriou5 about giving us the chicken, so we took it =). and it was sOoO good!! hmm... im still wondering where they got it from in the first place. maybe the dining halls have some kind of secret menu like in-n-out? hehe... that would be soo cool! "can i get a giant lobster tail please?" *drooling* ok ok i'll stop daydreaming.. but the point is I LOVE CHEFS! yea i know a lot of students (even myself occasionally) talk a lot of smack about the people that work in the dining halls, and we're always complaining about bad food and bad service or whatever else there is to complain about. but now i got to see their nice side, so im gonna learn to be nice to them too! =)

04/06: sOo at last, i began classes at the Schoenberg Music Building for the first time... beethoven history class is really cool. its kinda hard to explain the way i felt when i first entered the lecture hall, but when i saw a stage with a piano just like the ones i used to perform on, and when i heard the professor lecture about the same things i learned while taking piano lessons, i somehow felt like i was at home, even though i didn't know a single person in the room.

so about my classes this quarter... i have 3 so far, maybe i'll addd a seminar or something if i feel liek it. one is beethoven history which i mentioned earlier. the others are life sci (15) and geography (3). both are awesome classes, especially since i have friends that i can sit next to =). jen is in my life sci class, and jessica crystal and james are in my geo class. and we're all in the same discussions... how much more perfect can it get? we get to do all our projects and group activities and assignments together. suddenly i feel like i'm in high school again. this is sooooo great... looks like i have a wonderful spring quarter to look forward to =)

04/06: the words of my heart to this new quarter...

Many roads have I taken, none of them mine
When will I know my passion?
How will I know it is your sign?
Trying to find a direction
Seeking my purest affection
Tell me, Lord, what makes my heart alive?

Show me the way, I will follow
Be every breath of tomorrow
Take all my joy and my sorrow
As I lay down my life, all for your glory
Show me the road to forever
Lord let us take it together
As long as you will be with me
I will hold on to your hand until the end

From the moment you made me, you knew who I'd be
As I come to this crossroad
Where is the path marked out for me?
Desperately trying to see through
Whatever keeps me apart from you
Open up my eyes and let me see

Show me the way, I will follow
Be every breath of tomorrow
Take all my joy and my sorrow
As I lay down my life, all for your glory
Show me the road to forever
Lord let us take it together
As long as you will be with me
I will hold on to your hand until the end...

04/05: forgot to mention... yesterday at church my mom found out from a few people that i was in the chinese daily newspaper (world journal)... and i had no idea! wut da heck is going on!? *scared* anyways someone pleez show me the article okee? thanks! hehe

04/05: quick recap of the last few days... saturday night - went to julianns house for combined cell gathering wtih UTPC. for some reason all the UCC pplz werent told that dinner was included, so we all ate already, but still we ordered 7 pizzas. hehe and i got to see debra again! =) she kept telling me before that she would never see me again.. guess shes wrong! hehe it felt soo great to be out with my friends again. and then sunday went to church (finally! havent been there for like 2 weeks) and i was jus about to go home but thao called and asked me to meet her at life plaza =). yupyup... shaved ice again! yum yum... havent had that in such a long time. and then at night, suddenly i'm back at school again! honeslty, spring break seemed to pass by soooo fast. but still, i miss being with my school friends too. o and by the way, robert decided to come to ucla with me to visit for a day, so he's here in my room now too! and he went to my geography lecture this morning. now hes probably gonna dread having to go to college... actually geo was pretty fun, at least to me. this quarter looks pretty good so far, prolly cuz i have friends in almost all my classes. im takin 15 units rite now, and maybe i'll add a seminar or something just for the heck of it. okee well its almost time for lunch so im gonna shut up now... byebye!

04/03: last night, i took out a cd i havent listened to for a long time - the "exodus" compilation produced by michael w. smith. i listened to it as i went to bed, and i heard a song that i want to share with you:

I'm setting the stage for the things is love
And i'm now the man I once couldn't be
Nothing on earth could now ever move me
I now have the will and the strength a man needs

It's my will, i'm not moving
Cause if it's your will, then nothing can shake me
It's my will, to bow and praise you
I now have the will to praise my God

Complexity hunts me, for I am two men
Entrenched in a battle that I'll never win
My discipline fails me my knowledge it fools me
But you are my shelter all the strength that I need

It's my will, I'm not moving
Cause if it's your will, then nothing can shake me
It's my will, to bow and praise you
I now have the will to praise my God

I'm learning to give up the rights to myself
The bits and the pieces I've gathered as wealth
Could never compare to the joy that you bring me
The peace that you show me is the strength that I need

It's my will, I'm not moving
Cause if it's your will, then nothing can shake me
It's my will, to bow and praise you
I now have the will to praise my God

"My Will" - DC Talk

if theres any song that expresses the deepest feelings in my heart, this one is it. the lyrics show exactly how i changed from the past until now, and as i use these words as my most honest prayer, i am convinced that at this point i have learned just about everything i could learn from my Hiatus. so now, things are turning back around again. this whole period of "backwardsness" is officially over =).

even as i allow myself to return to my everyday routine, i'm not going to let myself forget the many things i learned during this spring break. and since i'm assuming all the people who are reading this are my friends, i want to ask for a few little favors. first of all, if you ever hear me talk with an attitude like i'm god or something, please stop me immediately, and if i dont listen, remind me about the accident. it breaks my heart every time i think about it, but it's the only way for me to grow. also, even though i'm already feeling comfortable driving my car again, time is the only thing that can heal me completely. so unless it's necessary, please don't ask me to give you rides for a while. i hate having to reject an opportunity to help by giving people rides, but speaking from my heart i know that i need some time to recover.

thanks once again to everyone who supported me on my Break. thanks to everyone who took the time to call me and/or visit me, and to everyone who prayed for me. it's during a man's most humble moments that he learns to appreciate and be satisfied with what he has, and it's also during those moments that God can use him to do the greatest things. now that i haven given up my pride, i can't wait to see what god will do in my life =)

04/03: as much as isolation is helping me, i must not forget that fellowship with other believers is also crucial in my life. tonight for cellgroup we're gonna meet with ken's church (UTPC) and do um... actually im not sure either. hehe but as for now i think i've already learned just about everything i could learn out of my hiatus. much of this morning will be spent in prayer and reflection, and later today i think this whole "backwardsness" will be over =).

04/02: through many hours of sittingg by myself and thinking, i learned to appreciate several things i had always overlooked before. the first one is my cd collection. if you've been to my room, you probably know i have enough contemporary christian CDs to last me for weeks, and a stereo that plays the music to its full potential. but ever since i went to college, i pretty much abandoned those CDs, and listeneed to them only rarely. this week, after being in my room so long, i just had to take out some of my old cds and play them. and i discovered a source of encouragement that i had forgotten about since summer. when i listen to a song that speaks about exactly what my heart is feeling, it gives me a sense that i'm not alone. and after hearing dozens of songs about surrendering my heart to god, i have no doubt it's the right thing for me to do.

another thing i learned to appreciate is spending time wtih my family. my mom had alwaysa told me that i go out too much, and i'm glad to be able to be home every morning again, and join her for her routine activities such as grocery shopping. as for carol, she's been coming to my room to talk to me every day after school, and it really helped me realize how much she missed me while i was at school away from home. wednesday was her 14th birthday, and to me, the greatest gift i gave her was simply being there for her this whole week. when an entire family comes together and learns to love each other, there is a kind of strength that can't be found anywhere else. and im glad to say that we have found this strength this week, and i will definitely learn to place my family at a higher priority in the future.

04/01: one of my most favorite parts of my car is the front bumper guard - it's a very rare piece of equipment that my uncle purchased as an accessory when he got the car, and for over a decade it's been out of production. the bumperguard had always been one of my favorite things about my car, and it helped me identify my car from very far away (i've only seen at most two or three other cars that had it). during last week's accident, the damage to my car's front end went as far as the latch for opening the hood. but nothing in the engine was harmed at all. i had to get a new bumper, grille, and turn signal light. but the bumper guard, which saved me from having to pay hundreds of extra dollars for fixing the engine, was broken in two pieces and unable to be replaced. i just got my car back from the shop this morning, and even though the mechanics did a great job fixing it, it still doesn't feel the same. all that's left of the bumperguard now is the piece of it that fell off the car, which i recovered from the accident site. from now on my car will look the same as any other '90 pathfinder. to me, this serves as a sign that i have given up my pride, and can no longer consider myself better than others. i'm going to keep the remaining piece of the bumper guard, and probably display it somewhere where i will see it frequently, and it will serve as a reminder of the many things i learned this spring break.

03/31: As promised, here's the complete story of my Hiatus up to this point. before you read it, i'm going to warn you that some parts of the story may be surprising, or even disturbing. and if it changes the way you think about me, let it be; my true friends deserve to know who i really am, and not who i pretend to be. so here's the truth about whats been going on in my life:

You might not have known me back then, but during the time between Middle School and my lowerclassman years, I had one wish that stood out among all the others. I wanted to have friends. Before then I had always been the kind of guy who only enjoyed being alone. And when I realized I needed friends, I didn't know how to speak to people around me and present myself as someone who could be accepted into any group of friends. But even though my need for friends remained only a dream for several years, I never gave up praying about it. Every night I would fall on my knees and beg God to provide me with the friends I needed. I knew it would take a miracle for me to find someone who would want to be friends with me. Once in a while, when I passed by people I knew at school, they would say hi to me. And moments like those were miracles to me. A single word from a classmate could turn the entire day into a 'miracle', and I remembered every word my peers said to me, and kept every reminder of those moments, even little pieces of paper with words that they wrote. And when I prayed I would thank God for those friends with all my heart, knowing he has given me far more than I would ever deserve...

God brought me through a transformation, which changed my life completely. With new friends constantly entering my life, I knew I had a whole new world to explore ahead of me. I developed, for the first time, a true personality, and realized that I had the potential to be a friend that stands out among others. I realized that God had created me to be a friend who could make an impact on other people's lives. People thought of me as someone who was always nice and friendly, someone who was always there to help others, and someone who always kept a smile on his face. Because every friend was a miracle in my eyes, I treated them with far greater love than an ordinary friend would. I was someone who my friends, along with their families and their other friends, could easily trust and depend on, and I wanted to make sure I could stay that way for the rest of my life.

In a few short years, I became a totally different person. One morning as I was sitting quietly by myself in one of UCLA's gardens, God reminded me of my past, and allowed me to compare it with the present. In the past, I had nothing to depend on except my faith. I treasured every word spoken to me, and sacrificed everything I could for my friends. Now, with all humility I admit that to many of my friends, I'm one of the most popular people they know. I can simply sit at my desk, and many people will want to talk to me. But often I come up with unfair ways of judging people. When people ask for help, I only agree when I'm in a good mood. Even when they need me most, I often turn away and pretend I'm busy. The only thing that concerns me is whatever pleases my own desires at the moment. And when I don't get what I want, I respond in anger and bitterness. In the past, when I sit quietly and allow my mind to wander, I would almost always thing happy and hopeful thoughts. But now, my mind is filled with angry and violent images, all due to the fact that my own satisfaction has not been met.

Probably the best way I demonstrate my attitude is through the way I drive. I was never supposed to have a car in the first place, except my uncle decided to let me have his old one. So to me, simply having a car was a miracle, and even though it's very old, I still treated it like a brand new car. Unlike most of my peers, who began to speed and carry friends illegally shortly after getting their licenses, I always followed the rules, and refused to give people rides simply because I didn't feel ready for the responsibility. Even people who have never seen me drive told me they knew I drive well, and many of my friends' parents who didn't allow them to ride with their closest friends had no problem letting them ride with me. The way people saw me as a driver was an exact reflection of how they saw me as a person.

When I allowed dissatisfaction to control my life, I also allowed it to control the way I drive. I became angry very easily, and often felt the need to take revenge for anything I felt was unfair. Sometimes the way I drive is so wild it even surprises myself. I have taken many unnecessary risks and done many dangerous things, and to be honest, based on the things I did, I really should have died many times already. Each time I did something dangerous, God protected me and rescued me. And I pretended nothing ever happened, and continued to look tough, as if I could do everything by myself.

I had devoted the past quarter of college to studying Rick Warren's "The Purpose-Driven Life", and it taught me many things about God and about myself. Time after time, I was reminded that when things don't go my way, it's because God is helping me grow spiritually and build a stronger character. But I never seem to be able to apply what I learned, and even during those few times when I finally decide to accept my sufferings and treat them as an opportunity to grow, it seems like God always makes me go through more trouble than I can stand. Through several hours of quiet time, I learned to lay aside my worries and wait for God to show me what to do with my life. But at the same time, I'm still constantly being bombarded with angry thoughts, even towards God. My mind was filled with countless complaints, and many of my actions were fueled by anger and revenge. Several times I was so angry that I completely lost my mind, and I know that at the rate my bitterness was growing, by the end of the schoolyear I will very likely end up in prison as a criminal.

Luckily, God also knew that, and He doesn't want my life to be spent behind bars anytime soon. During my quiet times, He frequently brought me back to my past, and reminded me of how important it is to know how to be humble and be satisfied. I wrestled with that thought for hours, and finally concluded that in the same way it took a miracle for me to make friends a few years ago, it would take a miracle for me to let go of my pride and return to the attitude I had back then. And only a couple hours after my spring break began, that miracle took place.

Thursday, March 25: I had spend the past several days enjoying literally nonstop fun around my friends, leaving just enough time to study for my last final and get a good grade. Then I packed everything and returned home, and with the convenience of having a car at home, I went to meet a bunch of friends for lunch. Then afterwards I decided to go run a few errands around the area, and later meet with my friends again to hang out some more. It was the first day of spring break, and as usual, I was constantly receiving phone calls from people who wanted to hang out. It was during this time that I expected my spring break schedule to fill up the fastest. On the car were a few newspapers with an article about me, which I had just picked up and couldn't wait to show my family and my friends. It seemed like everything was going perfectly, and in my mind, the week ahead of me was to be filled with nothing but nonstop fun. Then suddenly God added a surprising event to my spring break schedule, which completely changed my plans for the week.

It's not very common to hear someone talk about a car accident as a miracle. But I was bound to learn the lesson, and there was no better moment to learn it than that very hour of that very day. The accident itself wasn't really anything big. I'm not going to discuss all the details, but let's just say it was "mostly" my fault. The other car had almost no damage. My own car's condition was good enough to drive, but bad enough to break my heart.

After leaving the scene, my first emotion was anger, and when I returned home, I headed straight to my room without saying a word. Extremely loud music and a whole afternoon of computer games were my ways of "making myself more comfortable". The frustration I experienced was unlike anything I ever felt before, and I kept forcing myself to think about all the trouble I've caused by one stupid mistake. At night, my mom finally opened my door, and I told her what was wrong. She tried very hard to make me feel better, and we talked until about 2 in the morning. Even though I was extremely tired, I felt, for the first time since the accident took place, happy, because I finally realized that even though I suffered many losses through the accident, the lessons I will learn from it will far outweigh the things I lost.

With that in mind, I decided it was time for a Hiatus. So I cancelled all of my Spring Break activities that served no purpose other than fun. I decided to spend my entire break at home, and leave the house only when necessary. Sometimes it broke my heart to reject offers from my friends to go hang out, but I forced myself to tell the truth. On the first few days of my isolation, I was often bothered by flashbacks of the accident scene, and as I thought about the many consequences I was yet to face, I still felt quite frustrated. Then I remembered how frustrated I was on the afternoon the accident happened, and I realized that the reason I felt so bad wasn't because of the damage to my car, the money I had to pay, or even the scar in my reputation, but rather because I wasn't willing to admit that I was too weak to continue fighting against God for control over my life. I had always dreaded ruining my perfect driving record, but deep in my heart, the thing I feared most was having to give up my pride and admit that I am weak. And that's exactly what God taught me to do.

Even now, almost a week after the accident, I'm still not quite ready to refer to the collision as a "miracle". But I can't think of a single reason to argue against it other than my own stubbornness. Spring Break is the only possible time for a quality Hiatus like this; during school, it would be impossible to find complete isolation for a full week. And God knew that the miracle that would bring my heart back on the right path could not wait until summer.

So right now as I think once again about the past week, I have nothing to say to God other than "thanks", because He has already made this the most productive Spring Break ever. Even though I didn't go out with my friends at all, not to mention being stuck in bed for several days because I became extremely sick the morning after the accident, God sent many angels to call me or visit me and show that they care about me. It was difficult at first, but eventually I forced myself to tell them exactly what happened and explain the reason for this Hiatus. In the past several days, I have already learned a countless amount of lessons. And I don't want this learning process to stop until I know my heart has fully softened, and could remain that way permanently.

My senior quote from high school was a passage from the fourth chapter of Philippians - "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." Those words summed up the greatest things God had taught me up to that point. As time went on, it lost its meaning in my heart. But now, I have come full-circle, and once again I admit that I'm nothing more than a man who needs God's guidance. Once again, I have learned my lesson, and I can recite this passage and feel like it's coming from the bottom of my heart.

03/30: back from kansas city... gOsh i really wish i could have stayed longer, cuz there was much more to do there than i expected. u know how when someone mentions kansas, you tend to think miles and miles of endless grass? i guess its kinda true, but downtown kansas city was actually much like LA, minus the rice rockets and homeless people. so anyways, heres wut happened starting sunday morning. i woke up and i was still sick and there was a lot to pack, so i decided not to go to church. got everything ready, then my mom went to pick up carol at church, then we got lunch and went to the airport. and then carol and mommy said bye and i went inside the gate, then suddenly i was all by myself! and since its my first time in the gate by myself (last time i flew alone was cuz i missed an earlier flight, and back then there wasnt all the security crap, so my mom actually walked me to the boarding dock). and i was an hour and a half early but i was still all scared, so when i saw people lining uup to get on the plane i jus followed, and then i found out i was going on the wrong plane! haha pHeW that was soo close, i almost ended up in phoenix... so i sat down and waited patiently until the RIGHT flight, then got on the plane. it was pretty crowded (full flight) but i was lucky enough to get a window seat, even though it's the farthest back row on the whole plane. and then about half an hour later, i was 37,000 feet up in the sky looking down at california =).

so the first half of the flight was pretty quiet... i jus sat there and enjoyed the view and drank a bottle of coke. and then the guy sitting next to me started talking to me... it turned out he's a DJ in one of kansas city's biggest stations, and he just got to hang out with rick dees (kiis fm) not too long ago. he pretty much knows downtown KC by heart, so he told me everything there was to look forward to. and we talked for like the rest of the flight. when we flew over kansas, it just finished raining not too long ago, and there were still a lot of thunderclouds. and those clouds mixed with the sunset created the most incredible sky i ever saw... it was like the whole sky's on fire.... huge red clouds with streaks of red hanging down (the cloud shapes look different from california clouds too, prolly cuz they have tornadoes in kansas). and then we had to fly through the clouds and it was really bumpy, and suddenly *pOoF!* i saw kansas city! really green, really pretty, especially with the sunset reflecting over it. and then i got off the plane and found the shuttle service thing, and i waited patiently for the bus to arrive. then the bus took me downtown to the marriott. on the way we had to cross the missouri river, and seeing the city lights reflecting across the river was sooo beautiful. too bad the river wasn't one of the shuttle stops.

at the hotel: i found my way to the front desk, but there was only one person working there, so i waited patiently until she called on me, then i told her i needed to check in. (sorry if it sounds stOopid, but its my first time checking into a hotel by myself). and she told me to go to the other side of the desk and wait there, then she gave me a stack of papers to sign. and i read the papers and it said "welcome to the U.S. Military!" followed by a bunch of other stuff about what i have to do as a military member. so by then i was REALLY confused and when that lady finally came to me again, i asked her wut the papers are for. it turned out there was a big military training group living at the hotel, and she thought i was one of them! luckily i didnt sign the papers yet.... sOo i told her i was for MTNA and she gave me my room and everything... and then at the elevator i ran into a couple guys with MTNA badges so i told them who i am and asked for directions about wut im supposed to do once i get to the convention center and everything... and then at last i made it to my room. if i wasnt sick, i would definitely have gone out for a nice nighttime walk around the city... but staying in my room wasn't bad either. it wasn't until i unpacked and settled in my room that i realized i was halfway across the united states of america without a single person i know anywhere close to me, with a whole night of Marriott luxuries to enjoy. i felt sOo spoiled its not even funny... i couldnt even decide which bed to use! hehe... so yea, spent the rest of hte night in my room eating dinner and enjoying myself. i would have stayed up longer, except i figured i didnt want to be TOO sick for the concert, so i went to sleep early anyways.

monday (yesterday) - as a student winner, i get a free membership pass to attned any event in the whole convention. i would have gone at 8 when it opened, but since i still felt sick, i decided to sleep a bit longer. and then i had breakfast and packed everrything and got dressed nicely and checked out off the hotel, then went to the convention center (right across the street from the marriott). i was still looking for the sign-in desk when someone suddenly called my name... it was dr. roger foltz, director of the mtna composition competition program. he gave me my registration packet and told me when/where to meet for the awards concert and everything, then i was off on my own. i went to the exhibitor hall first... it was really cool, there were sooo many publishing companies and piano manufacturers and a bunch of others. i got to play on these really really rare pianos from germany, and i saw a few custom-bodied pianos that look REALLY cool. so pretty much the whole day i jus wandered around the convention center, talking to marketing people. and then 2:30 i went to the music hall to get ready of the concert. when i first went inside the hall i was like WOW... its the nicest hall i ever went on stage at in my life... sooo huge and soooo pretty. i really wished i could have hired a live band to play my piece. but owellz... dr foltz was already there and we went over wut im supposed to do when i get my award, then i got to meet gail lew from warner bros publishing, who presented my award on stage. and then the recital started... they played my piece on DVD, followed by performances by the violin, saxophone, horn, voice, marimba and piano winners. they were all sooo good its not even funny. and then afterwards i talked to a bunch of people there, then went back to the hotel to get my luggage just in time to take the shuttle back to the airport.

back at the airport: i got there two hours before my flight (8PM central time), so i bought dinner first then went in the gate to wait... the flight back was pretty interesting, since i can barely even remember the last time i was on a plane at night. it was a lot more comfortable since there were only a few people on the plane, so almost everybody had a row to themselves. and in no time i was back in LA, and my mom came to pick me up and bring me home, and i went to sleep soon after that, since i was soo tired (and im StilL sick =( ). so yea... thats about it for my trip to kansas city. now back to my normal life - as promised (before i left), i'm gonna write about last week's events soon... maybe today or tomorrow. but yea, for now i think this entry's long enough.

03/27: quick update on what's been going on... as i mentioned yesterday, i was really really dizzy and not feeling too well. i was so scared at first, cuz i thought it might have been some serious injury. my mom got me lollicup for lunch, and still i didnt really feel like eating, and when i realized i wasn't in the mood for boba, i KNEW something had to be wrong. and then i jus fell on the couch and stayed there for half an hour... then forced myself to finish my food, then went upstairs and slept some more... then i got up and wrote yesterday's entry. and even though i slept a LOT, i ran out of energy again only a few minutes after getting up... so i ended up sleeping thru the whole afternoon/evening. luckily it turned out i simply had a fever, and after i took some medicine it got a lot better. i guess it probably happened cuz (1) i was too frustrated over what happened on thursday and (2) i slept way too late that night. but anyways... today was a lot better, but i still feel weak periodically. hopefully i'll fully recover by tomorrow morning, cuz after church (reality only) i'll be going straight to kansas city!

sOo... for those of u who don't know, i won the national prize for MTNA's composition competition, and the awards recital is a part of a huge week-long convention held in kansas city. its supposed to be filled with music teachers from all over the country, so i guess i'll finally get to feel young for a while =). and i'm only gonna be there for one day... the awards concert is at around 3:00 (Central time), and i'll be flying back in the evening, so i should return to california by about 9 (pacific). so of course, while i'm gone i won't be able to talk on my cellphone, so if theres anything u wanna tell me, call me before i leave =).

soo.... wut about that whole 'backwardsness' thing going on in my life? first of all i wanna thank everybody who took the time to call me and ask me how i was doing. chances are you probably woke me up, but thats totally a good thing, cuz i've been sleeping WAY too much, and nothing makes me feel better than knowing someone really cares about me. it's during times like these that i really get to see the people who are there for me most. i know i haven't really told anyone about exactly what happened on Thursday. don't worry... its nothing life-threatening... but i just wanted to keep it known only to my family and closest relatives. i'm pretty sure that when i return from kansas city, i'll be ready to write an entry about what really happened. even if you already know about it, please keep quiet unless i tell u its ok. o yea... and about my "secret" screen name... i'll be using it from the time i return from kansas city until whenever i decide this 'break' is over. if u want it, feel free to ask for it and i'll give it to you. otherwise u won't be seeing me online for a while. well, i guess that's all i have to say for now. i better start packing to make sure i dont leave anything important behind. by the way, i'm going to kansas city by myself, and so its my first time taking care of airplane/shuttle/hotel stuff by myself and i'm REALLY scared. hope i dun get lost or anything. well im really gonna go pack now ok? hehe.... byebye!

03/26: on october 31, 2001, i got in some pretty big trouble at school. to make a long story short, i realized that god was trying to teach me a lesson, and as a result decided to take a one-month break from going on my AIM screen name. i took the time to reflect and see what i did wrong, and see what life lessons i had to learn. (if u wanna know the whole story, go to the archives and read the way beginning entries).

anyways... last night i had a very good talk with my mom until about 2AM, and i was finally able to calm down and think through what happened... and i realized that once again i have gone the wrong way and must turn back. and by making me feel such a great sense of loss and guilt, God is only helping me become a better person. it's the hardest thing to admit my own defeat, and even right now as i feel like breaking down and crying, i know that when all this is over, my character will have grown twice as much as it is right now. i must admit that recently i have developed way more pride than what i should have, and so a part of me is still trying to fight against giving in to the horrible truth. but slowly it's starting to sink in to me, and i know the only thing for me to do now is humble myself completely and allow God to take over and transform me.

...so after a lot of struggling, i finally decided that i should repeat the same thing i did a couple years ago when God last humbled me. that's why the topbar of this page is backwards... for those of u who knew me two years ago, u might remember me doing the same thing to my homepage. unlike last time, this "backwards" stage in my life will probably not last a whole month. at most, i'm estimating maybe my entire spring break. its a big sacrifice for me, and i'm very sorry if you wanted to go hang out during break. but i think the best thing for me to do is to take a break from all the fun i usually get to have. as of now, i'm cancelling all my plans for spring break, except church and the MTNA concert this weekend. i won't leave the house unless it's for something important. as for AIM, i'm gonna keep myself away from using my regular SN until i decide i'm strong enough to continue my usual life. some of you might remember that when this happened two years ago, i made a "secret" screen name that i only gave out if people asked for it. i'll be going on that secret screen name again for the next week. if you don't have it, feel free to ask. and if u wanna talk to me, feel free to call me or even come to my house and visit me. just cuz i'm keeping myself from going out too much, it duznt mean i'm being antisocial. in fact, any phone calls or visits during this time will be greatly appreciated.

to close off this super-long entry... i couldn't sleep very well last night, and right now my head hurts really really badly. i'm not sure what happened, but pleez pray that its not any kind of serious injury. hopefully my headache will go away soon. while i'm already having enough trouble trying to admit the truth and bear with the pain, a lot of other random crap has been happening that i have to take care of, and somehow i'm gonna have to get all those things done. i realy dun want to even think about it right now, but even when i try to hide, the truth finds me. please pray that i'll make the best out of this spring break, and learn all the lessons that i'm supposed to learn. i definitely look foward to going out and having fun again, but even more importantly, i look forward to knowing the things God made me go through, and seeing how much i have grown through it.

03/25: sorry i kno its been like 2 minutes since i wrote the last entry... but i already feel like writing again. and actually i'm gonna write about something good. if u happen to read the chinese(taiwan) newspaper "shing dao ehrr bao", flip through today's papers and u might find someone that looks a lot like the guy in that little circle picture thingy on the left side. hehe... i had an interview yesterday morning, and it was relaly really really fun =). jessica kept saying im famous even though i'm not. hehe... so before today's big dramatic event happened, i was in a great mood, having just left a chinese market with a stack of newspapers with myslef in it =). o and by the way, the reason i'm in the paper is cuz of the Kansas City concert this weekend. i'm definitely looking forward to it, and i think this event gives me a LOT of self-esteem. but at the same time, i realize that my life is such a mess right now. i really really want to go on stage and receive my award this weekend, but at the same time i don't want to go. why is it that while the world sees me as a winner, in reality i'm going through so many things that frustrate me? i really hope i'll find out the answer soon....

03/25: i really wish that i can be in the right mood to write about finals week... the past few days were simply incredible, but now suddenly i'm trapped in my own anger again. so at last, winter quarter is over, and even though my grades aren't nearly as good as i wanted, i tried my best and that's all that really matters. overall it's been great... i would love to do a summary of all my classes and what i learned (or didn't learn) from them... but all of that will have to wait until later. i got home at around noon today, and i was sOo happy that its spring break. and then in the afternoon all of that happiness jus disappeared in an instant. theres a lot to explain, but for now i don't want ANYONE to know exactly what happened yet. some of u may remember the time when i first started writing online jounrals (they're still in the archives if u wanna read them)... it all started as a result of one significant event that turned my life around completely. right now i kind of feel the same way. today's problems are far more than what i can handle, and even though i know god's trying to teach me a lesson as usual, i really don't think i'm ready for it. just like what happened on halloween 2001, i feel like i have nothing left to lose... my life is screwed up beyond repair, and i feel like i've lost a part of me that i wanted people to know me for. i've been defeated already, and i don't know when i'll be able to stand up and fight again. *sigh* wut a great way to start off spring break. as for now, i've decided to cancel ALL of my spring break activities except the kansas city trip (this sunday to monday), and maybe church. i need some time alone to reflect on what happened and see if there's anything i can learn ffrom it. but first i have to allow myself to cool down, cuz i'm VERY angry and frustrated rite now. somewhere in my heart i know that there are soo many things in my life that i should be happy and thankful for. but somehow i'm going to have to free my mind of anger before letting anything better in. i'll be back soon, and hopefully by then i'll go back to writing about finals week and all the other good things that i'm satisfied with. for now, pleez pray that i'll be ok and that i won't go and do anything terrible to myself. thank you very much....

03/20: such a wonderful day, i dun even know where to begin. i woke up and spent over an hour studying math (final is tomorrow) while enjoying tea for breakfast. then at 11 i went to do solo time. yea yea i know, it seems like i'm ALWAYS doin solo time, but believe me u wont understand how great it is until u experience it for urself. im not sure exactly how i discovered it, but i guess during the hardest times in life i felt the need to spend time alone and pray, and so i learned to put aside everything/everyone around me and sit by myself and reflect and pray and do whatever else i feel like doing. and it's through these moments that i find power and strength in myself. i did a little research about solo time this morning, and found out that there are many others who have learned to cherish these moments that i look forward to every day. and on thursday when i was wandering around with jen and van, we discovered a really nice and secret place, which i now consider my favorite place to spend my solo time. anyways... im getting a bit off track, so i guess i'll move on. so i finished solo time just in time to lunch with jen van and aaron. and then i went back to my room to study, and diana (from ucsd) came to visit me! and then later chris came to visit me too! among all days, god chose today to send angels to my room to accompany me as i studied. i realized today for the first time that by this time tomorrow, i will have finished my last math exam ever. and as for chem, its a long story that i'm not gonna explain rite now, but i'm pretty much going to drop it and forget about it. so i guess i can say that by this time tomorrow, i will have abandoned my career as an engineering student, and moved on to find a place where my heart belongs. through my solo time i realized that one way God speaks to me is through my heart. when i pray before making important decisions, god doesnt literally speak to me and tell me what to do, but he simply touches my heart and convinces me to chase after it. time after time, my prayers were answered, and my future is slowly being revealed to me, one step at a time. there's still a lot of work to do before i officially become a psych and music double-major, but i already learned not to worry, and i'll simply trust in God and continue to follow my heart wherever it leads me. for now, the one thing that's on my mind is my math final tomorrow. as usual, i'm not really worried, but at the same time i want to do well. right now as i get ready to step out of the School of Engineering and abandon it forever, if i could have one last request, it would be that i leave the school with full satisfaction, knowing i have learned from the past and that i will continue to grow in the future.

03/19: sOo... another final on sunday morning, and since its only friday, i dun feel like devoting the entire day to studying. so after lunch me jen and van went to chill in westwood until dinner! hehe... we went all the way out to borders and back... it was da farthest i ever walked! (last time i went to borders i had my scooter =)). but it was sOo fun. first we went to this pet store, and as expected jen went absolutely crazy. and i spent most of the time looking for the stOopid tarantula that was hiding from me. then i was looking at the big mouse cage. u kno those lil windy tubes that the mice crawl thru? it really really reminds me of the childrens playgrounds at mcdonalds. i wonder which one came first.... hehe ok that was random. anyways then we went to borders and headed straight to the childrens section. of course... you know which book i read first - fox in socks by dr. seuss! my favorite book of all time. hehe and me jen and van read all these lil kid books and it was sOo fun! and then we were upstairs at the music section... i found a Yanni cd in one of the demo cd players and listened for a really long time. its kinda weird cuz i never really listened to yanni until today. but i felt really attached to the cd cuz a LOT of people have told me that i'm a lot like him. lotsa times when i play piano for people, the first thing they tell me is "do u listen to yanni?" so yea... i finally got to hear the cd for the first time, and i love it =). wait til i get my hands on a Triton (which i've wanted for several years but still cant afford =( ), then i'll learn all of his tricks! hehe... ok well i gotta go study now so i'll shut up... byebye!

03/18: its almost midnite and i just got back from campus... it was sooo fun! out by myself at nite, practicing stunts on my scooter =). actually i went out on campus for a different purpose, but let's not get into that right now. scooter stunts were fun, so i guess that kind of occupied my mind instead of wut i was originally planning on doing. and now i can jump off curbs and small (a couple steps) stairs. its not like i'll become a stunt performer or anything... but i guess its jus good to know how to jump in case i run into obstacles on the road that are too close to avoid. who knows.... it might save my life one day...

03/16: its finals season again, and to be honest, i actually looked forward to this time of the quarter. yea yea i kno its a lot of studying, but most of u probably know i'm the one that almost never stresses over exams... i jus study wut i think is necessary, then take the test and get it over with. last quarter's finals season was sooo great... a great variety of free food and goodies every day, plus an overwhelming amount of leftover swipes to waste at puzzles =). and best of all, the free movies. Campus Events tends to squeeze in a bunch of free screenings on week 10, and knowing the movie freak that i am (and how important it is for my financial aide *cough*), i studied early so i could go have fun at night. yesterday was Taking Lives... very very intense movie. its really scary but mostly it jus makes u nervous the whole time, and sometimes people in the audience suddenly scream even when nothing scary is going on. it was pretty funny =). and then today was Prince and Me. nothing much to say about that, since the trailers already tell the whole story. but i actually enjoyed it. and then after the movie, i got to see the Prince in person. and there was a huge line for autographs and everything... if you ever felt like ur the only (hetero) guy left on the universe, i feel ur pain. luckily james was there to make me feel less awkward... and at the end most ppl couldnt even get autographs cuz there wasnt enough time. but anyways.... its 10:47 now and i'm back in my room with more studying to do. tomorow's gonna be a very hectic day... math homework due at noon, then earth sci lab final, then psych quiz. but i feel pretty relieved thinking about it, since it's the last math assignment, last lab meeting, and last psych quiz ever. after that it's just math and earth sci (lecture) finals left. so anyways, i think i'll probably study a bit longer then go to sleep. so um... those of u who want to meet Prince Edward, dun get TOO jealous =). and everybody else, wish me luck on my finals! hehe... byebye!

03/13: guess wUt... i got to see lucy today! went to troy to see her kick butt in badminton. then we went to eat at tapioca express. and i got to meet her friend jenny... shes supposedly a nerd even though she doesn't seem THAT nerdy. lets see... first place science olympiad, badminton team, wut else.... ok lets jus call that genius. haha anyways i got my haircut again! so i can take a break from the trouble of gelling it all the time. hehe and cellgroup's at my house tonite so i have a lot of cleaning up to do.... gotta go vaccuum... byebye!

03/11: rebecca(lee) dedicated an entire xanga entry to me... and it made me feel soooo special. thank u soooo much! hehe... now u get to feel special cuz ur on my site too! =) anyways i jus remembered that i was supposed to write about my tea collection. so yea... a few weeks ago jen was in my room at nite and it was raining really hard outside, and suddenly i was in the mood for some tea. i had a couple tea bags with me, but no hot water, and jen came up with the brilliant idea of using the microwave downstairs. and then that weekend i told my mom, and shes decided to let me bring a hotcup to school! actually i dun think it's allowed, but as long as i dun get caught its ok *innocent smile*. and having a hotcup revolutionized my life. that very night i had like 3 more cups of hot tea, and i got totally addicted. so last week i spent a few days transporting goods out of various dining halls, until i had a collection that satisfied me. and occasionally i would invite jen and van over to have tea with me =). it feels soooo good, especially at night when it's cold. eventually my tea collection kind of outgrew the little space i allocated for it, and i had random cups and strring straws and tea bags and sugar all over the place. so last friday i organized my whole collection and displayed them neatly in a drawer. see for urself =)

03/09: at last... the wait is over... NEW PICTURES ARE FINALLY UP!! pix from the cell hotpot last year, king's ball, mtna long beach recital, and winter retreat! special thanx to jennifer(ting) for constantly bugging me to work faster.. without her help these pics will probably be far from finished! hehe...

anyways quick update on yesterday's entry - i just found out that even though i got D in chem first quarter, it still counts as passing, so i still got the units. but i also just found out that my earth sci class this quarter is 4 units instead of 5, which means that if i drop chem then i'll be short one unit. but it really dzunt matter.. even if they catch me and make me take extra classes, i'll only be short by a couple units, and that should be easy to make up. as for spring quarter, i'm still wondering wut classes to take, so feel free to leave suggestions! hehe... i g2g now byebye!

03/08: sorry didnt have time to finish writing yesterday... i had to take care of some stuff for kansas city and it took WAY longer than it was supposed to. anyways, i was gonna write about my college major. i had been thinking about majoring in music, and asking god to show me whether or not i should (see 2/14 entry). i joined my mom and several others to pray that God will provide all the financial support for kansas city (at least a thousand bucks to hire musicians, plus a bunch of other misc. payments), since its obvious my family cannot handle it. i really wanted to perform my piece live, but so far it seems like we're going to settle on a video recording of a previous performance. and by doing so i will only have to worry about financing my own trip, which means that most of my award money will still be mine. at first i was really disappointed that God didn't give me a direct yes or no, since i was already so desperate to find out what to do with my life. but its becoming clear that actually he has a lot more to say to me than a simple answer. having to use the video instead of a live concert is a sign that in the future things will not always go the way i want them to. and my remaining portion of the prize money is a sign that even though i will have to make sacrifices in my life, ultimately it will still result in gain. and with that in mind, i believe God is leaving me with the option of whether or not to take music as a major.

soo my decision so far is pretty much a yes, but i'm also planning on double-majoring in psychology. psych is both easy and fun, and more practical than music (in case it ever comes in handy). special thanks to jen (also psych major) who spent soo much time explaining to me about psych majoring and let me borrow all her information papers when i picked classes. so far i haven't officially switched majors yet... but honestly i'd rather leave the school than continue to be an engineer. so my classes now will focus entirely on my new majors, and i'll eventually find a chance to officially switch.

so wut about my classes for spring quarter? i'm basically following the psych GE requirements and taking life sci 15, and also taking a music history class as a GE for psych, which at the same time allows me to enter the music department. i also need to take english, foreign langugage ,and physics, but for spring quarter either the professor sucks or they dun have the class i want, so i guess i'll start those next year. so i really dunno wut else to take this quarter... maybe some more random GEs. but i have plenty of time to decide and enroll, so if anyone has suggestions (or simply wants to take a class with me), please let me know! =)

ok now the last (and most troublesome) part of this whole switching-majors thingy... how i'm gonna end my final quarter in engineering classes. the math and chem requirements for psych major are already fulfilled in high school, so in a way, my grades in math and chem now really don't matter that much. but i'm most worried about my GPA... here's the whole story- first quarter i took 13 units, but got a D in chem, so even though my GPA is ok, i dun think i'll get the 4 units for chem. this quarter i'm pretty sure i'll get an F in chem even if i try (believe me... i've been lost ever since the first midterm and i already gave up trying on the second one), so i'll most likely drop it. yea i know its gonna look bad on my record, but i think its better than an F, since as a psych major i didnt even have to take that class. and dropping it will rescue my GPA this quarter (i assume i need at least above 2.0 to stay out of probation, not to mention switch majors). the only problem left is that i might not have enough total units so far (since i'm already missing 4 from first quarter). for now i'll jus pray that everything will work out ok. and as for the rest of this quarter, i think i'll devote a lot of time to study math, more than i ever did before, and make sure i do well on the final (since its worth 50% of the total grade). im doing really bad rite now, but theres still a chance (unlike chem) that i might understand whats going on, and as long as I can pull off a C- or better, my other classes will help keep my GPA stable. i think thats my only option right now... and even though its gonna require studying beyond what i usually do, im sure its possible, because now that i know what i'm going to major in, there's actually motivation for me to work hard and do well. and that's the only thing that kept me from working hard this quarter (even though all my non-engineering classes still turned out fun and not too hard). those of you who have been praying for me while i tried to decide my major, thank you soooo much for your support. now all that's left for me to do is to abandon the engineering school with enough effort so that i will be able to enter my new fields of study.

03/07: quick recap of the weekend... at first it didnt seem too great, and i almost wished i stayed on campus instead. friday i was supposed to go watch the passion again with betty n lucy's church, but the movie times didnt fit my schedule so i ended up not going. and then saturday i was soo bored i almost died... for some reason everyone seemed to be gone or busy except for me... i ended up spending the afternoon painting the garage doorframe, which was actually quite fun =). and then cell group cheered me up of course... afterwards me andy and alex(w) were listening to ancient video game music, it was soo fun! hehe... ok and then today at church sunday school kinda disappeared cuz caleb woke up late or sumthin... sorry if im wrong cuz i dun know the details. but anyways we ended having a big discussion on business instead of evolution vs creation. i guess recently church hasnt been too great for me, probably cuz almost all the people i'm closest with stopped coming for some unknown reason... so i dont have as much enthusiasm as i did before. after service i usually end up staying for a few minutes, then disappearing and going home, assuming most people didn't notice. i was already on my way to my car when i got a call from Thao asking if i wanted to join her and the HOC gang at life plaza. of course i agreed =). and so the Condensed Bingers reunite once again. hehe... met a few more new people, and kat said she likes my eyes =). u kno wuts soo weird? i know two people named kat, both of them have SNs related to kit-kats, and both of them say they like my eyes. hehe... ok anyways so we all had shaved ice again... gOsh i missed shaved ice soo much cuz i havent had it for so many weeks already. and i guess that little outing made this weekend seem sooo much more productive =). anyways, then for the rest of the day i played computer games and packed, and now i'm back in my dorm. and even though i'm about to end this entry, i just remembered that theres a lot more stuff i want to write about. guess i'll wait a little while then post again!

03/04: wow... very very busy day... didnt have any time to sit in my chair until about 9:30 at night. soo heres a recap of the day - woke up at 8:15, went to breakfast... when i was packin my backpack i realized i forgot jessica's muffin, so i had to go back to the dining hall to get one. luckily it was past 9 so i just walked in without having to swipe =). jessica fell asleep during earth sci so after class she was all tired and walkign soooooo slow... it took her FOREVER to get from CS to knudsen even though they're like rite next to each other! jessica said she needed to find a book for her brother, so i went to the library to look, but it was soooo confusing and i had no idea how to use the search thing, so i gave up. then i went to my 'solo time' in the garden for the rest of the hour, until noon... then i met back with jessica and margaret to have conference with the earth sci professor. he was sooo nice... his office is like a little room and its so nice and comfortable. he jus answered questions and we talked and it was really cool. then afterwards jessica and i went to the library and finally got that stOopid book, even tho we got lost so many times. then on the way back we stopped at crystal's room to see if she ate already. she already ate, so jess and i went to eat at hedrick ourselves. they had curry with rice!!!! soooo good... and the miso soup with noodles... i loved it! hehe anyways then i went to jessicas room to help fix her computer again... gOsh she has soo many viruses its not even funny! still a lot of work to do, hopefully i'll find time to finish soon. anyways then 3:30 was pumello time as usual =). i had my math notes to study, and while i studied crystal made me another pumello skin necklace! hehe... it smells soo nice and refreshing =). and then 4:45 i left for my math midterm. it was um... pretty hard, but i guess i did ok. my math and chem grades really dun concern me that much now, since im pretty sure i settled on my new major(s) already. i'll write about that some other time... anyways the test took really long, so afterwards i went straight to InterVarsity. and i didnt get lost and go to the wrong room again this time! hehe... then 9:00 finally made it back for dinner at Puzzles. i've been going to puzzles soooo much lately, mainly cuz jen and van have extra swipes to use up. and i never leave puzzles empty-handed *cough* hehe so now i have plenty of disposable supplies for my Tea Parties. yea... i dun think i wrote about the tea parties either... guess thats gonna have to wait too. soo much stuff to write about in so lilttle time! i would write it all now, but i have chem midterm tomorrow morning so i need to sleep well. and thats wut im gonna do now =).