06/30: I woke up on Saturday morning eager to start cleaning the house and the yard. At last, it was the day of the long-awaited Summer Barbecue Party. For months I had looked forward to that day, and it had motivated me to freshen up my backyard in just about every way possible, from planting flowers to killing spiders to washing every chair and table. Thanks to the help of a few friends and the success of last year’s party, news about this barbecue spread quickly. Some saw it as a chance to congratulate high school graduates and welcome them into college life. Others saw it as a good opportunity to hang out with the Taiwan Mission Team before we leave. For me, it was simply an evening to invite friends from different groups to hang out at the same place at the same time. It has always been my dream to see my friends from different circles meet one another and build lasting relationships, and it has also been my dream to let my home be a place where others can come and feel loved. My friends in college know that I’ve always lived to fulfill these dreams, whether by throwing end-of-the-schoolyear parties or by simply leaving my dorm door open for people to come in and hang out. And after having graduated for over half a year, this was my first shot at seeing that dream come true again.

Of course, planning this party was quite stressful, especially upon realizing that I was expecting about 60 people to show up. After having held numerous barbecues in my backyard with various groups of friends and relatives, this was the first time I began to worry about overcrowding. But I didn’t really see it as a problem; for all I knew, it was going to be one heck of a party. From the moment I woke up on Saturday, I began to clean the house while Carol and Mom prepared the food. With so much to do and so much motivation to do it, time seemed to fly by, and suddenly it was 6 PM and the guests were starting to arrive. Fortunately, most of the people present were familiar with the party procedure and took initiative to help, giving me a few minutes to run upstairs for a quick relaxing shower after a day of work. But that didn’t happen until after I lost my temper for a moment and put my family to shame in front of all who were already there. Yes, at the end of last year I discovered the power of giving a humble apology. But for all I knew at the moment, there was a big party to host and I didn’t want to waste time showing my soft side. Besides, that Winter Retreat was a long time ago, and my life had long returned to the way it used to be. I figured I could just forget the apology and cover it up by being polite and constantly thanking everyone for their help.

I said it a million times and I’ll say it again in all honesty that the barbecue was not a birthday party, despite it being only two days before my birthday. The only reason I chose June 28th was that I will be in Taiwan on the Fourth of July and didn’t want to cancel the barbecue completely. I remained quiet about the birthday topic, simply letting the people who remember determine exactly how it will be celebrated. I’ve done this my whole life, and even though many people tend to not remember my birthday, the genuineness of the joy that comes from those who do makes it worthwhile. When Christine and Antony arrived and brought me a card and a small gift at the barbecue, I thanked them and brought it inside the house immediately, not wanting to get other people’s attention and make them think it’s actually a birthday party. Little did I know that the majority of the guests not only knew it was almost my birthday, but were not surprised at all when Shaw stood up on a chair and made the announcement to bring out the cake and have everyone sing “Happy Birthday”. To me it was definitely a heck of a surprise; I had been so busy running around and socializing that I didn’t notice Juliann and Eva disappear to pick up the ice cream cake or Ken guarding the fridge while I was in the kitchen. That’s the beauty of keeping quiet about my birthday; there’s plenty of room for surprises, and when someone does decide to surprise me, the combination of the surprise and the knowledge that they did so completely voluntarily results in an overflow of joy that I can never find by planning my own party.

After everyone went home and I was alone in my room reflecting on the night, the biggest surprise was neither the birthday wishes nor the cake. Even though I had assumed responsibility as the host and organizer of this barbecue, in the end it definitely wasn’t my own barbecue party. I caught Carol and Mom before they went to sleep and thanked them with a hug (something I definitely should do more often), but it wasn’t just the Chang family’s barbecue either. Every person present, whether host or guest, contributed greatly to the outcome of the evening. Even though I only asked a few closer friends to help, in the end I received much more help than I could have asked for. Kelley came early and helped me set up the tables and run a few errands. Ken took charge of the grills despite feeling overwhelmed from having to make so much food. Chris and Carol helped him out, and even though I had long promised Ken I would be his assistant, I was told to just relax and not worry about it. On the table were pasta, sashimi, and a box of cookies, all of which were surprises (thanks to Esther, Chun, and Steven). The tedious cleanup process was completed in minutes, with the help of many volunteers who stacked the chairs and carried things back inside the house. Each time I turned around, someone took initiative to help without being asked to do so. At the end of the night, the deepest joy in my heart was not from a successful party or the birthday cake, but rather from a glimpse of God’s love through the incredible people He has placed in my life. On top of that, many old friends were reunited, and new friendships were formed, just like I’d always wanted to see. And when I place my own dreams in perspective with God’s love for me, they suddenly become so much more meaningful.

There was just enough time for me to get a few hours of sleep before going to church in the morning. It was the last Sunday before the Mission Team leaves, and during Service some time was set aside for everyone on the team to stand in the aisles and receive prayer from the congregation. As I felt the many hands on my shoulders and heard the many voices praying over me, tears suddenly began to fall from my eyes. I felt foolish at the moment, since I was neither speaking nor thinking about anything overly passionate. As if those tears weren’t spontaneous enough, I found myself crying again in the afternoon, this time when I was home by myself staring at the computer screen. I was watching a video of Carol receiving some awards from school, and was suddenly filled with thanksgiving at the realization of my own sister’s great accomplishments. I let those tears flow freely, still feeling confused (and a bit stupid) but knowing that God was doing something in my heart.

In a sense, it was like that Winter Retreat all over again – an accumulation of various events in a short period of time that lead to a profound realization of God’s love. In fact, that retreat was probably the last time I remembered actually crying like that. As the tears flowed, scenes from the previous night’s party flashed across my mind. But it wasn’t the simple happy-go-lucky excitement that I had expected from being able to host such a festive gathering. I soon began to understand that those tears were an overflow of the abundant love I received in the past day and a half.

Carol, Mom, and I had dinner at Coco’s as an early celebration for my birthday, since I had been so busy with the barbecue that I accidentally scheduled to work on my birthday. After returning home, it was that time of the week again for the three of us to share and pray for one another, a family tradition born after Winter Retreat and by God’s grace is still practiced regularly now. I had been looking forward to that time all day, since there were so many things I wanted to let out of my mind. My apology for losing my temper the previous night was only the beginning, and those familiar tears of freedom began to flow again immediately when I began to share what was on my heart.

If I have to sum up all those tears and words in one sentence, it would be that I’m simply so blessed to have the life that God gave me and shouldn’t take any of it for granted. Through Saturday’s barbecue and going to church yesterday, I have come to a genuine realization that God loves me and demonstrates this love in countless ways that I often fail to pay attention to. Having lived in this house for a decade and a half and complained countless times about its many defects, I never knew that so many of my friends would admire it and consider it so luxurious. Having been through countless arguments with my mom and sister, I failed to realize how much love and appreciation they truly deserve. Having known many of my friends for a long time, I never really paid attention to exactly how much they care about me. What a blessing it is to have a house and yard capable of hosting such a big party! What a blessing it is to have a mother and sister who also love God and spend so much time, money, and energy to help me fulfill my dream, and love me enough to put up with my selfishness! And what a blessing it is to be surrounded by so many friends who are willing to go out of their own ways to make my way easier! I’m definitely blessed, and I have no doubt about it.

It was in the middle of all the crying and praying that I suddenly realized it had been exactly half a year since the unforgettable night that God unleashed His spirit of freedom in my life, as well as my church and my family. Six months ago, I embraced Carol as we cried at the realization that our relationship with each other and with Mom was far from the standard that God set for us, and that even though so many people at church looked up to our family as a good example, our lives at home were filled with years of unresolved conflicts that we could only wish nobody else would find out about.

Since then, it’s been quite an amazing journey. My attitude toward my family was completely changed, and those imperfections I didn’t want the church to know about ended up becoming a part of the testimony I shared in front of the whole English congregation. God answered my prayers, providing me with both a well-paying job and a music-related internship, while still leaving me with plenty of free time to pray, read the Bible, and show my family the love that He put in my heart. As time passed, however, my job was no longer fresh and exciting, the memories from Retreat became more and more distant, and my desire to live for God began to slowly fade away, until my life was not much different from how it was before Retreat. And I allowed it to stay that way, putting my own desires above the will of God and giving my happiness a higher priority than my faith.

As the Taiwan Mission Trip became closer and closer, I often asked myself if I was really a good candidate for the trip, since my life was so self-centered and nothing seemed to be capable of changing my attitude. I didn’t want to back out on the trip, so I thought my only solution was to make a compromise by simply hiding my bad side while going overseas for missions. But God knew better, and He has the power to make a difference even when I’m out of ideas. I invested so much into the barbecue party hoping to receive in return the excitement and joy of having so many friends gather at my house. In the end I received not only that, but a much deeper understanding of what God’s love can do for people. And it leads me to the seemingly simple but often overlooked realization that this mission trip I’m about to go on is an opportunity to give glory to the very God who loves me so much and has blessed me with more than I ever deserved.

The clock has already struck 2:00, meaning it’s already a couple hours into my 23rd birthday. I’m only still awake because it’s one of those moments when I simply can’t let myself rest until I write down the many things on my heart. In keeping with tradition, I’m simply going to treat my birthday as an ordinary day and allow myself to be surprised. (And of course, this entry won’t be posted until after midnight). But in all honesty, at this point I feel so content that I really don’t need any “Happy Birthday” messages or presents to make my joy complete. Throughout the years I’ve received many amazing birthday presents, from expensive Lego sets to elaborate handmade displays to surprise celebrations like Saturday’s party. But no gift on the face of the earth can satisfy like the realization of how much God has blessed me, whether it’s through friends or family members or material possessions. There is really no better way of celebrating my birthday than to come to this amazing realization, and there is no better way of preparing my heart to go overseas to serve for three weeks. This trip will only be the beginning of all the amazing things God will do in this new year of my life, and I look forward to being surprised as He continues to write my life story according to His will.

06/27: Got to hang out with Kelley today - it's seriously been forever! We had an awesome lunch at Happy Crab... finally I'm not the last one to finish eating! =). The weird thing is that as far as I can remember, this is actually our first time hanging out and eating by ourselves. It's amazing how fast things change - back when we used to see each other at church and cell all the time, we still depended on our parents or older friends to drive us to places. Now we can technically hang out whenever we want, even though we still live quite far. Oh well, at least Rowland Heights is where all the good Asian food is =).

Anyways, tomorrow's the big party. All I still need to do is clean up the house (the inside) and help with preparing the food, then everything will be ready. See you guys tomorrow!

06/26: Extremely tired after a long day of work - sweeping the backyard, cleaning the windows, washing my car, buying stuff at Costco, and also going to teach at night. Basically I haven't stopped working since I woke up until now (almost 10PM). But thanks to plenty of free time this week, the backyard should be completely ready after probably less than an hour of work tomorrow morning. And yes, I'm pretty sure I've extermintated the majority of the black widow population in the yard - I've killed around 120 of them in this past week alone, and checked every possible corner to make sure there's none left. So even if some of those nearly microscopic baby spiders managed to escape, I'll probably hunt them down when they grow bigger. Anyways, enough about spiders. By now all the food is already in the fridge, and I hope it's gonna be enough to feed everybody - as of now the confirmed guest list is already about the same as the total people that came last year, and we all know a lot of people will end up just showing up on the spot (which I really don't mind =) ). So yea, it's gonna be one heck of a party. Tomorrow I'll let myself have a break by going out to lunch at Happy Crab with Kelley. I can definitely use a cup of boba, especially a huge glass like the ones at Happy Crab. Then after that, it's time to start cleaning the house and preparing all the food. For now, I'm gonna shut up and go return some phone calls. But in case I don't update in the next couple days, see you guys Saturday! =)

06/22: I hate black widows... seriously they're all over the place! I was cleaning the backyard earlier tonight and killed at least 50 black widows... not even exaggerating. The adult female ones (the big black ones with the hourglass) are the scariest, but they're all venomous so they are all scary, so scary that I decided to go straight to spraying them with poison instead of having fun with the tennis racket (see 6/15 entry). Oh and I also found two black widow EGGS. Each of those contain what... a thousand baby spiders?? I'm pretty sure I got rid of the majority of the population in my backyard (since they tend to hang out in one particular area, and I've already cleaned out most of it). Right now every little blow of wind on my leg makes me think it's a spider. Hopefully I didn't actually bring any back into the house with me...

Anyways, it's the end of an awesome weekend. Last night's Claymusic concert turned out great, and I got to see lots of RHCCC people that I hadn't seen in forever - Emily, Debbie, Vincent, Jacquelin, Lois, Albert, Bianca, Angel, Jonathan... sorry if I left anybody out. Went to Banana Bay afterwards for a late night dinner, with just enough time for a good night's sleep before church today. Church and the missions meeting went very well too - after the "Boot Camp" it seems like everyone enjoys being with each other much more, which is good because we're gonna be living together for three weeks. At this point our fundraising work is done, and with a couple more finishing touches to our program everything will be ready to go.

One last thing - pictures from Cynthia & Garland's wedding are now online! So I'm pretty sure there won't be any major picture updates until after the BBQ, which I'll be frantically preparing for every day this week. Tomorrow Ally's gonna come visit me, and probably bring movies to watch on my computer, which means I better shut up and clean my room a little!

06/20: Haven't felt this tired in a very long time. It started with a 5-hour phone conversation with Christine(Shen) on Wednesday that only ended because it was so late at night already that I was afraid to check the clock. Of course, good conversations like this are always worth the time, so I'm not complaining at all. Yesterday was the first half of the "Boot Camp" for the mission trip. For me, the trip actually began an hour early, since I went to hang out at Steph(Line)'s house for a bit first. Basically we just played around with musical instruments, ranging from a grand piano to a row of Sobe bottles tuned to a major scale by adding water inside. It was soo much fun... too bad she's leaving for SB again soon! =/.

Anyways, about the boot camp. As expected, we didn't exactly sleep all that much, so I guess it's the consecutive lack of sleep that makes me so tired now. But I'm awake enough to know that I don't recall feeling this excited about the mission trip ever since our first meeting back in March. During that meeting everything seemed to be well organized and it gave me rather high expectations for the mettings to follow. But throughout the weeks we were hit with a nonstop series of curveballs - people dropping out of the team, people too busy to attend the meetings, people not getting their stuff done until the last minute, etc... and it ended up making me feel like all my efforts are going to waste. Of course, I'm not saying it's actually a waste when I'm doing it for God. But it really hurts to try so hard and realize that nobody else seems to care. So I somewhat gave up on having a positive attitude, especially when Coffeehouse was coming up and nothing seemed to be working out right. But we learned from our mistakes and I guess it kind of woke everybody up. That's what led to the idea of this boot camp, and thanks to every person on the team doing their best to cooperate, we got exactly what we needed.

Yesterday was the "fun day" - a night of absolutely no work and simply hanging out for the sake of team bonding, since all we'd ever done together was work, whether to fundraise or to prepare for our own performances. So yesterday we basically took over the church - we had an awesome pizza party with plenty of snacks and drinks, followed by watching "Back to the Future" in the sanctuary (did you know it was filmed at Puente Hills Mall!?!?) and playing Wii on the projector - something I had always wanted to see. Inbetween each activity was plenty of talking, laughing, teasing, and just about everything needed to make us feel like a family rather than a bunch of co-workers. Today was the "work day", during which we rehearsed almost everything that we were previously unable to rehearse due to procrastination and low attendance at meetings. I still find it amazing that everyone actually showed up - that alone helped us accomplish more in these 22 hours than we did at all of our meetings so far combined. And having spent the night with the same people we'll be living with for three weeks, I know for sure this is gonna be an awesome trip. Now all I need to do is get myself some sleep, then everything will be perfect.

06/19: Something I havent written about in a very very long time. My 18-year-old Pathfinder has been sitting in the garage untouched for over half a year, and the reason I haven't really done anything about it is a series of complications with the DMV, to which I simply said "screw it" and let my life go on without worrying about it. Only earlier this week did I finally decide to get everything settled once and for all, and earlier today I had the car's battery replaced and took it out for a quick spin around the neighborhood. After having adjusted to driving a coupe over the past nine months, I had totally forgotten what it felt like to be behind the wheel of the old truck until today. And it was definitely an amazing experience to bring back. First of all, the seating is totally upright and I felt like I was on top of the world. All the controls - handbrake, shifter, etc - felt much more distant. As for driving, it was incredibly loud and nowhere near fast, but it felt like it has a heck of a lot of power thanks to huge tires, heavy weight, and a big and commanding overall feel. Now that the new battery's in place and the car is running again, I'll probably cruise around the neighborhood in it for a few minutes every day. Of course, that's only beacause I'm planning on selling it, so I want to make sure it has no problem starting up. I hate to admit this, but over the past half a year or so this car has caused quite a bit of conflict between my mom and me, and I have been forced to lower my standards simply for the sake of getting rid of it to make more garage space. At this point, the amount of money I get for it really isn't too big of a concern. But now that I got to experience driving it all over again, I definitely believe there's something special and fun about it that a normal and modern car doesn't offer, and I hope that it will end up in good hands and continue to be appreciated.

06/18: Caterpillar/cocoon update! Yes, I'm still fortunate enough to see the latest evolution of that white-lined sphinx cocoon at Jasmine and Justin's house from about a month ago (5/19 entry). A week after I stopped teaching them, the moth finally came out of the cocoon. See for yourself-

06/17: Another late-night (1AM) entry as a result of boba consumption. Went to Ten Ren's with Joseph earlier tonight and spent some time catching up while enjoying boba. It's always nice to go out and have a little fun, especially on a day like this when nothing was originally planned. And the good thing about having to stay up to make sure the caffeine wears out is that the pictures from last week's Rowland HS graduation are now online, along with a few Misc. pics that I added yesterday. There's still a few more sets of pics to post, and my goal is to get those up soon so that after the barbecue I can focus on getting those pics up before I leave for Taiwan. The trip is coming up a lot sooner than it seems, and our team is still far from prepared. Fortunately, we have a "boot camp" coming up this Thursday through Friday during which we'll not only hang out and have lots of fun, but will also rehearse just about everything we need to rehearse, and for the first time ever we'll actually get (almost) everyone together at the same time. Then again, that's just what I assume. By the way, wasn't someone supposed to send out an email with the details? See? That's the problem with us right now - people aren't taking action to help make things happen, and in the end everything is last-minute and we all get frustrated. I confess to not always doing my own part either, but I believe this "boot camp" thingy is gonna help us get a lot more focused as a group, and I'm definitely looking forward to it. For now, it's time to shut up and go sleep. Goodnight!

06/16: Remember last year's Fourth of July barbecue party? Since then I've been wanting to plan another one this year, and those who were there have long been expecting it. So now that it's summer and there's only a few weeks before I leave for Taiwan, let's get the party started again!

06/15: Coffeehouse is over, the ClayMusic HOC concert is over, and I’m still alive. It’s been quite a frustrating and tiring weekend, but thank God for allowing everything to turn out at least fairly well. Yesterday the missions team people got to church at 3, and with the exception of a quick Kiwiberry break with Carol and Andrew, it was pretty much a nonstop stream of meeting, practicing, figuring stuff out, and running around going crazy. There were several times I really wanted to just blow up at certain people, but deep inside I knew they were no less stressed than I was, and even though things could have turned out much better if some of those people were a little more responsible at times, none of us are perfect and blaming them would really do no good for the situation. One of my weaknesses is that once I shift to “panic mode”, I tend to be extremely self-centered and start commanding people around me to do stuff the way I want them to do it. Sorry if I yelled at you or seemed a bit more rude than was necessary. Considering all the unexpected curveballs and the amount of time we had to prepare, we actually didn’t do all that bad as a team.

Everything happened so quickly I can barely remember going to sleep last night before waking up at 6:30 in the morning to go set up at HOC and rehearse for the ClayMusic concert. After Coffeehouse, this concert didn’t feel like a big deal at all, since (unlike last night’s acts) most of us have been with the band for years and know the music by heart. It’s basically the same routine we’ve done for countless times – pray, do the concert, and have a great time. But I have to admit even after going through this routine probably a hundred times, the messages behind our music never get old. When I see people in the audience touched by God through our music and testimonies, I feel just as blessed as I did when I heard them for the first time. And after an insane day and a half in which I’ve shared my testimony, jammed with a jazz quartet, introduced a singer on stage, performed a classical work, and played a full concert, I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s nothing like the feeling of playing on stage while watching people give their lives to Jesus for the first time. The applause of joy that swept through the room during this morning’s altar call was like nothing a good performance alone could stir up. And it reminds me once again that there’s much more to everything I did this weekend than just myself.

Praise God for all the great things that happened in these past couple days, and special thanks to HOC, Dream & Imagine, and everyone in the missions team for letting me have such a busy weekend. It’s definitely better to be productive for a good cause than to have nothing to do. Speaking of having nothing to do, these next few weeks are very free because it’s summer, so if anyone wants to hang out, let me know! And of course, there’s that BBQ party coming up soon. I’ll post the details in a separate entry.

Now on a completely separate note, check out my new toy that came in the mail yesterday-

06/12: Another late-night entry after an eventful day. Went to Carol’s graduation (Rowland HS), followed by a little party at our house which lasted until about now. Congratz to Carol, Chun, Andrew, Leon, Simon, and many more, including those from other schools! Took a million pics, which will be online when I have time. Speaking of pics, I just uploaded the pics from Mother’s Day, Aunt Amy’s birthday, Cinda’s birthday, and Stephenie’s birthday. Everything else (Cynthia & Garland’s wedding, Millie’s, today’s graduation events, and a few random pics) will be up when I have more time. These next few days will be spent almost entirely on Coffeehouse madness and other music-related stuff. I’m a little more relieved now, since by now almost everyone is done with finals, so I already got a hold of everyone and confirmed that things are gonna go as planned. Now if only I had a little more time to practice…

06/12: This morning I unofficially “quit” teaching one of my students – it’s not the kind of thing I like to do, but every once in a while situations come up that are so frustrating that it’s worth simply giving up completely. In this case, it’s the student (or maybe more the parent)’s complete lack of responsibility and treating me as if the only thing I need to do in my life is teach him. Maybe if they want to pay me enough for me to make a living, then I’ll let them be as irresponsible as they want. To be honest, I’m more than content with how much I’m earning, and I really do enjoy this teaching job. But now it’s reached a point where I’d rather lose a little income than have to deal with so much unnecessary frustration. And I really believe that in this situation I don’t need to be any more patient and forgiving than I already have been. So now basically I’ll assume that if they want me to come back, they’ll call me and tell me so, otherwise I’ll just go ahead and move on with my own life. After all, I’ll be gone to Taiwan soon.

06/11: Very eventful day. So remember that day in January when Grace Melody Winnie and I had lunch at Millie’s? Six months later, it’s finally back – the return of the GRANDwich! This time Taryn and Daniel(Tan) have decided to join the gang too. We told so many ridiculous jokes (often about GRANDwiches) that the waitress cracked up several times when walking past our table. After lunch Daniel was gonna take Grace and Taryn to Fry’s, and the rest of us decided to tag along too. So we all went to Fry’s, then back to Frank & Son in Walnut. It was fun holding Winnie captive during a large duration of the car ride. And I love how the AC in Daniel’s van is loud enough to own all the stupid noises we were making. After F&S we went for some drinks (boba!) at Ten Ren’s. Then I went with Grace and Taryn to get flowers before Taryn went to a graduation, then Grace joined me to run errands at Puente Hills Mall and Barnes & Nobles. Then I took her home and then I went home, and it was dinnertime.

I just finished another awesome time of practicing piano – it’s especially awesome cuz for the Concerto I’m at the point where every few minutes will show obvious improvement. I find it hard to believe that I might actually be able to pull it off for Coffeehouse, keeping in mind of course that the majority of the audience doesn’t understand classical music enough to really critique us. The sad thing is that I actually have some people in mind that I want to invite to Coffeehouse, but I had to decide against telling them about it. Come on, why am I gonna invite people to come watch me perform something I’m clearly not prepared for? Even if I have my part down, it’s still gonna take some teamwork to make the whole performance work, and hopefully in these next few days some form of rehearsal will take place to make me feel a little more confident. But for now, I’ll just keep practicing and keep praying, and hopefully things will turn out well.

06/08: The end of another busy weekend. Yesterday I went to Ontario Mills with Mom & Carol for some shopping, followed by food @ Mcdonalds. Came back home and carpooled with Ken to Cynthia & Garland's wedding! Yup yup, they're MARRIED! Congratz! =) As expected, "UCC" people took up a good chunk of the population, so it turned out to be another big reunion. Went to church today, followed by Missions meeting, followed by ClayMusic rehearsal, then dinner, then Bible Study, and that brings us to right now. For those who are interested, we have a concert this Sunday morning at HOC (Hacienda Hts) at 10AM (I think?), and another one the following Saturday night (6/21) at RHCCC (Rowland Hts).

Speaking of music and performances, this coming Saturday (6/14) is Coffeehouse!! So far the plan is I'm gonna share my testimony, and I'll also be playing a Sibelius violin concerto with Ben and a simple jazz piece with Marcus and the gang (not even sure exactly who's gonna play in it yet). The Brian McKnight song will wait until Taiwan. I don't know if I'm all that excited about Coffeehouse, simply because I'm quite screwed for the music stuff - everyone's taking finals this week so it's not exactly a good time to bother them. But we really need to practice! It's gonna be interesting to see how things turn out. I guess I'll just do my best and make sure I have my part down, and pray that everyone else will do the same. Anyways, time to go practice for a bit. Bye!

06/06: It’s 1:30 in the morning and for some reason I’m still up and feeling totally excited. No, I didn’t have Thai tea again. In fact, I had planned on sleeping earlier tonight to make up for sleeping so late last night. Blame Brian McKnight, whose music I’ve been trying to transcribe. For the Taiwan mission trip (and maybe Coffeehouse?), Marcus and I will be playing “Never Felt This Way”, him on sax and me on piano. Normally when it comes to simple arrangements like this, I just figure out a few key piano parts from the recording and wing the rest. But don’t forget, when it comes to jazz I’m just a beginner, though I’ve been learning quite fast thanks to Mark Levine’s awesome theory book. To me, listening to songs like this is like hearing someone speaking French; it sounds cool, but I don’t understand anything! Half of the chords in this song are beyond anything in my harmonic vocabulary, and after trying to play along with the recording a couple times, I concluded that the only way for me to learn this song was to transcribe it note by note, at least for part of the song.

So that’s what I started to do yesterday evening. And I managed to finish up to the first chorus before I left for Banana Bay (see previous entry). Technically one verse and one chorus is enough for me to wing the rest of it, and all I needed to do was figure out a few unique chord progressions that I didn’t get to yet. But when I continued earlier today, I decided that for the sake of having a complete-looking score and for my own intellectual benefit, I would try to go note by note until the very end of the song. So that’s exactly what I did, and the more I worked, the more excited I got. Of course, transcribing is extremely tiring and often annoying. But deep inside there was that feeling of accomplishment from doing something I never thought I could do before, and that feeling only grew as I kept working. The only thing that interrupted my flow was a sudden urge to go downstairs to the piano and actually play my work in progress, and even though it will probably still be years before I can understand such a complex harmonic language and improvise on it, I’m simply amazed that I’m able to sit at the piano and play those sounds that I’ve never produced before. Of course, it took a lot of time for me to reach that point; by then I had already spent a good four hours on the song, and there was still quite a bit left to go.

I wrestled with the idea of going to bed, but I was simply too excited to let myself put out the fire, so I decided to keep on writing, and after three more hours have passed, I finally arrived at the last bar. I know I’m definitely tired because I made countless stupid mistakes such as writing an entire phrase in the wrong octave or putting stems on the wrong side of the note. But the end result is a five-page score that I will not only be able to play well, but will learn a great amount from. When people ask me how I learned to improvise when playing for church, I love to tell stories of how I take recordings that I like and transcribe them, then learn to play it and apply it to my own improvisation until it becomes my own style. “Never Felt This Way” is definitely not my “style” the way I know it now, but it’s the very style I’m striving to adopt into my own vocabulary, and as I learn to play it in the near future, I know my own keyboarding and improvisation skills will improve dramatically.

I haven’t felt this passionate about music in a very long time, and I really wish I can go and play this song on the piano right now. But of course, it’s almost 2AM and I don’t think everyone else in the house will appreciate being waken up in the middle of the night. Besides, I really should be sleeping myself. Tomorrow the fun will definitely continue, and I can’t wait to be able to play it exactly like the recording!

06/05: Just got back from an awesome late-night dinner at Banana Bay for Steph(Liang)’s 21st birthday! I called her in the afternoon to say happy birthday and ended up getting invited to the dinner with her, Jennifer, Kathy, Lisa, Joyce, and Terry. It was like almost 11PM when we actually got seated, and even though I already ate a (small) dinner at home, I decided to join everyone in having a full dinner. Of course, that includes a Thai Tea, which is the reason I’m still up at 2AM writing this entry. I guess my choices were either caffeine or alcohol, and I chose the former for the sake of being able to drive back home in one piece. Steph, who had already planned for Jennifer to chauffeur her home, was quite red by the end of the night, and said some pretty funny things too. I’ll write more on that when I post the pictures. Anyways, I’m pretty sure that by the time I finish taking a shower and getting ready to sleep, my tiredness will outweigh whatever caffeine is still left in my system. So I guess I’ll shut up now.

06/04: I find it hard to believe that this is my last day at Justin and Jasmine’s house. I’ve taught many students throughout the years, but this was my first time committing to teaching on a daily basis for such a long period of time. Each time I think about how it all started, I realize once again that it’s truly a blessing from God, letting me have a chance to be a part of the lives of two great kids while earning the finances to survive and enjoy the abundant free time I have. I confess that as the months passed by, I’ve started to slack off a lot more, and even though I still do my part in making sure every homework assignment is completed and corrected, my attitude hasn’t been nearly as optimistic as it was when I first accepted the job. But these past five months simply flew by, and suddenly it’s already my last day here.

Most people who have asked me about my job have probably heard me rant about not enjoying being a teacher and feeling that I suck at it. But if this is God’s calling for me, whether temporarily or permanently, I have no reason to insist on saying no. I’ve always believed that being a teacher is also a learning experience, and I haven’t had a single student from whom I didn’t learn anything. One general lesson I learned is that even though there seems to be a very high demand for jobs like this, especially among Asian-American communities, it’s definitely very unstable. Students come and go randomly, and no matter how well (or not-so-well) I do, there’s no guarantee that the number of students I have will only increase. This particular tutoring job, however, is about as stable as teaching has ever been for me. Basically any day that Justin and Jasmine have school, I come to their house in the afternoon for two hours. And when I combine this job with the occasional once- or twice-a-week students I have at night, my income isn’t very different from that of my full-time warehouse job last summer. Considering how much free time I still have to spend with my family, hang out with friends, and work on music and my other hobbies, my life now is definitely a blessing from God.

Even though God has provided me with countless teaching and tutoring opportunities throughout my college years, I really don’t appreciate them as much as I should. In fact, my frequent complaining about not being a good teacher undermines my faith in God to give me the wisdom I need to deal with each student. But every once in a while, a time comes when I’m forced to look back at how far I’ve journeyed, opening my eyes to see and realize God’s amazing authorship of my life. This is definitely one of those times. Even though I’m quite impatient when it comes to working with kids, there’s something about them that forces me to love them at least a little bit. By spending an entire semester with Justin and Jasmine, I’ve become an older brother to them. I know their strengths and weaknesses, and I can often tell what they’re thinking without them having to say a word. Through the many conversations we have had, they’ve gotten to know me pretty well too. I share with them many of my life’s adventures, and answer their never-ending stream of questions about almost anything imaginable. I wish that through our conversations they will learn to make wise decisions when they grow older. And I wish that when they go to high school, make new friends, learn new things, and get accepted to colleges, I will still be there to share in their joys and be blessed by their experiences.

Fortunately, this will not be the last time I see Justin and Jasmine; this summer they will be attending my mom’s summer program, so we’ll still get to see each other frequently. But I must admit I’ll still miss them a lot. Even though there were many times when I was tired of telling them the same things over and over again, or forcing them to shut up and get their work done, when it’s time to say goodbye it’s hard for me to not want to wish for some more time. I thank God once again for giving me this incredible opportunity to invest in the lives of these two great kids, and I pray that He will continue to bless them and their family, guiding them according to His will. As for me, I guess I have the next month or so to relax and prepare for the mission trip. I plan to start looking for a full-time job after I return from the trip, and so far I still have no idea what direction I’m headed in. But I know that in the same way God has constantly provided for me in these past several years, He will continue to open new doors for me, whether it’s teaching, music, or anything else. God never fails to surprise me with new adventures, and I look forward to seeing what He has in store for me next.

06/02: I have always seen each schoolyear in college as its own chapter of the story of my college career. Every fall, a new wave of freshmen enter college and learn to adapt to the new environment. They learn to survive on their own while meeting countless new people, many of whom will eventually become the friends that help shape their lives. Among those who have already spent a year in college, many move to new dorms or apartments and begin a new year with the knowledge they have already gained. Some graduate and no longer come back. Every year, the basis of the story is the same – a quest for education, happiness, and success. But those things mean different things to different people. And in the end it’s the people that make each chapter so unique.

Each of these past five years has been a unique experience for me, filled with its own adventures, struggles, and successes. But each time a schoolyear approaches its end, I begin to realize that once the chapter ends and the page is turned, I will never be able to return again. Fortunately, all my friendships will still remain, and the many things I learned will stay with me as I move on to a new chapter. But even so, I must accept the fact that my life as I know it now will never be the same again. Some people will leave and others will enter for the first time, and with each new wave of people comes a new and unique set of adventures.

I’ve told the story of my life during Fall Quarter countless times, letting people see how much God has provided for me, and how I slowly began to learn the true meaning of being part of a community. But even during those last few nights I spent in the parking lot, I wasn’t sure exactly what that community would mean to me once I graduated. I promised many people I would return to visit them, but I had no idea how those visits would actually turn out. And the worst thing was that I really didn’t know what would happen to all the friendships that had formed over the years. I’ve always believed in making an effort to keep in touch with people, even when I rarely get to see them or talk to them. But the truth is that different environments can make people change in different ways, and while the people I spent much of my time with at school would continue to be changed by their time in college, I would no longer be a part of that change the same way I used to be.

Even so, I want to at least keep up with those changes. During Fall Quarter my living situation forced me to no longer depend on inviting people into my life for selfish motives, but to actually reach out and care about the needs of those around me, putting them above myself. While I used to want to keep in touch with people simply to maintain that feeling of security from having a large number of friends, I now keep in touch with them out of genuine care and concern, and of the understanding that every friendship happens for a reason. The truth is that of the countless people I know by name and say hi to when we randomly cross paths, many of them may never see me or talk to me again, simply because our bonds aren’t strong enough to withstand that annual page turn. But I have come to realize that since God is in control of everything, He will give me the means to get in touch with people when it’s part of His plan. And for those who I know I will keep in touch with, I need to always remember that we didn’t meet by coincidence, and that I shouldn’t love them any less just because I’m no longer at UCLA.

That is what has brought me back to visit time after time. Each time before I visit, I pray and examine my motives to make sure they are pure and not selfish. Of course, I’m nowhere near perfect. But God has taken me a long way since this schoolyear began. And during each UCLA visit, He has blessed me with far more than I can ask for. Several friends have asked me how I manage to always have food to eat and places to spend the night when I visit. It definitely feels good to enjoy a few days when every single one of my needs is accounted for and all I need to do is buy a parking permit and have fun with my time. But I always remind myself to not let these things spoil me. Even if no one can treat me to meals or offer me a place to sleep, I will still visit, and I’ll end up enjoying the trip just as much. Even if I must drive there and back on the same day just to spend an hour or two with a friend, I’ll still do it. And even if every trip will cost me as much as that car repair bill that resulted from the rodent incident during my third visit, I should still do it if it gives God glory.

And I believe my friendships at UCLA definitely do give God glory. Since I graduated, I have witnessed several friends growing stronger in faith and making important life-changing decisions. When I pray for my friends on a daily basis, it’s only right for me to frequently make an effort to see how they’re doing so I can pray for their specific needs. And when God answers those prayers for my friends, I end up feeling just as blessed as they do. Each time I visit UCLA, it’s only natural for me to think about the countless memories from my time as a student. And it’s impossible for me to remember all the great things that God has done in my life at UCLA and not feel thankful and humbled by His greatness.

I guess it hasn’t completely hit most people that the schoolyear is coming to an end. I tend to end up in the whole end-of-the-year reflective mood a bit earlier than most, partly because I’ve gone through the yearly cycle so many times and also because last weekend’s visit was the last time I will get to see this chapter of UCLA. As with every year, it breaks my heart to realize that the next time I return to campus, everything will be different. And this time it hits me especially hard because starting next schoolyear, I will no longer be an actual part of the new chapter. Even though I’m already used to being treated as a visitor at UCLA, I am still sheltered by the comfort of being among a pool of people that I’m used to seeing on a regular basis, whether merely as faces, as acquaintances, or as friends. When the new schoolyear begins, I will find things to be strangely unfamiliar, and they will most likely remain that way. My life at UCLA as I know it now will never be the same again.

I’ve always believed in making the most out of every moment God gives me. But having gone through the yearly cycle so many times, I’ve also learned that it’s useless to cling onto the past because time will inevitably move on. And I know that if I let God take control of my time, in the end I can look back and be blessed by the stories He writes in my life. I still remember that night during the first week of the schoolyear when I sat alone in the Hedrick 5-North lounge. Little did I know that the people I was about to meet that night would eventually make such a difference in my life! And it amazes me that so many people I have met from previous years are not only still friends with me, but are just as eager to stay up to date with my life as I am to theirs. In fact, most of my friendships have actually become stronger since I graduated, because our genuine concern for one another is no longer so easily overshadowed by day-to-day casual conversations. My life since graduation has been filled with God’s amazing blessings, and through sharing my stories I have been able to encourage many friends who I wish will someday also let Him write their life stories. By witnessing the exciting things happening in their lives each time I visit, I feel so blessed to be at least a small part of their lives, and I pray that God can continue to shape these friendships according to His will.

As with every schoolyear at UCLA, I really don’t want the year to end. A part of me will always wish to be able to return to the past and enjoy it forever. But I’m thankful that the things that matter most – the friendships I made and the lessons I learned – will not fade into history like the rest of the chapter. In fact, the friendships will only continue to grow, and the wisdom I gained will only continue to increase. With that in mind, there’s really no reason for me to complain. Many people are so consumed by drama, stress, and discontentment that they have looked forward to the end of the schoolyear for as long as they can remember. I’ve had my share of hardships too, but by trusting in God, each year has been nothing short of a miracle. My fifth year at UCLA could not have been any better than it already is, and I believe I’ve made the most out of the precious time I had. God, as always, has proven Himself faithful, and I look forward to letting Him continue to guide my life according to His perfect plan.

06/01: On Friday I received a random text message that reads "Happy birthday Calvin!! :)". Only problem - it wasn't my birthday! It still made me very happy though =).

Anyways, it shouldn’t be surprising at all that I’m writing an entry about my trip to UCLA (and this whole weekend in general). It also shouldn’t be surprising that I’m so tired that I can hop in bed now and fall asleep immediately. Sometimes I have to sacrifice a lot of sleep for a lot of fun, and as long as I have enough energy to perform necessary tasks, it’s worth the investment =). These past few days have been surprisingly eventful and exciting, and here’s exactly what happened-

Friday – Woke up, finished packing, and left for my 3-day “vacation”, beginning in San Gabriel at Anny’s place. I was a bit late due to traffic, but Tammy came even later so it’s okay =). Met Anny’s friend Shawn and waited for Tammy to arrive, then we went to 888 for some awesome dim sum. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a dim sum restaurant where most of the tables are empty – not that they have bad business, but because it’s a weekday morning and everybody is at school or work, except us lucky kids who either graduated or have no class on Fridays. Went with them to the mall afterwards to chill and shop for about an hour, then drove back to Walnut to teach for an hour. I left the mall early in case of traffic, but made it to Walnut early enough to take a 20-minute nap in the car. It’s already amazing enough that this just happened to be the day my teaching schedule got moved up to 2:30 instead of 4:00, and it turns out I only had to stay for like 45 minutes. Seems like everything is working in favor of the UCLA trip – even the traffic on the 405 wasn’t too bad! I arrived at around 4:30 – three and a half hours earlier than what I had originally planned. That extra time was spent hanging out at the awesome Hedrick 5 North. Got to hang out a little bit with Christine Jerry Antony Derek Andrew and Trinh, then had dinner with Derek and Christine and all the GOC people. And of course, since I joined the dinner, I went to the meeting too! None of this was planned until late Thursday night, and prior to that I thought I might never get to see everyone at GOC again until after summer. But thankfully I thought wrong =). Actually, I planned to leave GOC before 7:30 to go get in line for the performance at SMB, which turned out to be both successful and chaotic – successful because it was an amazing performance based on what I heard, and chaotic because it was limited seating but without tickets, so most of the people who waited in line didn’t even get to watch it, and sadly I was one of them. So I returned to GOC to catch the second half of the sermon and the remainder of the meeting. God really had everything planned out for me – He knew there was no better way to kick off my time at UCLA than to spend time in worship and scripture, so that’s exactly what I got. It turns out that the worship songs we sang just happened to be ones that I have come to associate with GOC and with my final quarter as a UCLA student, including the awesome 9th week medley that I fell in love with after hearing it for the first time during fall quarter. And the sermon was about giving God glory – wasn’t that exactly what I wanted my life at UCLA to be about all these years? Of course, I always fell short of those standards. But it’s definitely helpful to be reminded of that mindset again, especially at this time when the year is starting to come to a close. Afterwards I stuck around and got to talk to Jessica, Calvin, Sophia, Christine(S), Evelyn, Brian, Henry, Tiffany (two of them!), Phoebe, and many more that I wouldn’t have got to see otherwise. Met with Elizabeth after she was done with the performance (which I said sorry a million times for not being able to see =/ ) and walked up the hill together to Puzzles. Of all things to order, she chose chicken nuggets with curly fries – my favorite! It was her late-night dinner and I shared it as my late-night snack (or dinner #2?). We ate and talked at Puzzles and didn’t realize how long we were there until it was midnight and they were about to close. Went up to Hedrick afterwards and got settled down in Christine’s room – she was still out and wouldn’t be back until very late, but she granted me permission (and access) to the room =). So I actually went to sleep a little before 2AM – much later than when I usually sleep at home these days, but much earlier than when I usually sleep when I visit UCLA =).

Saturday – As planned, I spent two hours in Beverly Hills shooting cars. The first hour or so was actually surprisingly disappointing, but afterwards things started to warm up. Highlights include a Shelby Cobra, several Granturismos, lots of video footage of Bijan’s Phantom Drophead Coupe, and a Lamborghini LM002(!!!!). That LM002 lured me into a long chase across the Triangle, which meant that I actually had to take a shower when I got back to campus at noon. That also gave some late sleepers time to wake up and get ready before going to lunch. (I wonder who those late sleepers are =) ). Chilled with Trinh Diana and Rudy for a bit, then we met up with Christine and Derek for lunch at Covel. Spent the next couple hours with Christine and Trinh before they had to leave for a banquet. That’s the only bad thing about visiting this weekend – everybody has some kind of friggin banquet, so by 4 or 5 half of the Hill is gone and it suddenly became really really quiet. But the good thing is that I ended up with a nice little stack of BruinCards in my wallet, each containing dinner swipes that would be wasted if I didn’t put them to use. Dinnered at around 6 with Jane at Deneve, then stayed to eat again with Sue at 7. Met with Matt afterwards by BruinCafe and talked with him and Farhan for a bit. Then got a smoothie, and Matt and I went up to chill in Hedrick – we both lived there last year, so it was nice to just sit there in an empty lounge and talk while remembering so many great memories. That took up a good hour or so. Then Matt went to go study and I went back to BruinCafe to hang out with Sophia. Walked with her back to Deneve, then I went back to H5N. Only seconds after arriving, Derek realized that he had a swipe to use before midnight, and could use another one after midnight. Bryce also had two swipes he needed to kill. And Trinh had one more too. The only problem was that when we came to that realization it was around 11:50PM. So Derek and I went across the halls quickly collecting the BruinCards, then ran down the hill like there’s no tomorrow and made it to BruinCafe at *drumroll…* 11:58PM. Perfect timing, cuz we got to use up the first batch of swipes, then get in line immediately to use up the rest after midnight. I was sweating like crazy by the time all those swipes were used up, but it felt no different than any other quarter when I was a student – end-of-quarter madness to finish extra swipes, resulting in much more food than necessary, yet still bound to the logic that since we paid for those swipes, we must use as many as possible. Great memories =). Went to hang out at Derek Jerry and Bryce’s room afterwards, until Christine Trinh Bryant and Chris got back (from getting ice cream in Westwood). That’s when I decided it was best for me to go to sleep, since there was plenty more to do the next day. Took a quick shower, then went to say bye to Derek and Bryce, then to Antony and Jerry, then to Trinh and Steffan… then I was back in Christine’s room where the floor was covered almost entirely in sheets, since Bryant Chris and I were all spending the night there (Christine’s so popular!). And since Christine had to wake up at 7:30AM the next morning (to go to church!), she actually went to sleep right away, so I was able to do the same.

Sunday (today) – I had originally planned on sleeping until around 8:30, then heading out to Calabasas for Supercar Sunday. But last night I got a message from Mike telling me to get there at 8. And when it comes to events like this, Mike is one of those people that I trust a hundred percent. So I woke up at 7:30 at the same time as Christine, then packed my belongings and said bye and left. Apparently I wasn’t completely awake yet, since I somehow forgot I was going to Calabasas and naturally merged on to the southbound 405 (the way to get home), not realizing I was going the wrong way until it was too late. So that detour cost me about 10 minutes. And those were some pretty crucial 10 minutes – I arrived at Supercar Sunday just as a huge parade – lime green Viper, two Murcielagos, Ford GT, and more – drove away, before I had time to get any pictures. But the rest of the morning definitely made up for the loss. The turnout today wasn’t bad, at least by my standards, since I always tend to come on the worst days. Highlights include: Ariel Atom, Detomaso Guara, and LP640 roadster. See? Not too bad, right? Oh and did I mention I got to sit in the driver’s seat of a yellow Murcie Roadster? Mike and I had plenty of time to walk around and talk while shooting pictures and videos. We went to the Commons for a little bit, then he left with his parents. I spent the rest of my time there with Ren, who came all the way from Florida to attend various car events in Southern California. Seriously, how many girls are there who love cars that much? It’s funny how everyone tends to avoid using too much advanced car vocabulary thinking she wouldn’t understand it, but she gets to prove them wrong each time. I left SCS at a little over 10:30, and got back to UCLA just in time to grab brunch with Elizabeth. Come on, I already paid for today’s parking, and it’s on my way home, so might as well go back and stay a bit longer, right? As if the rest of this weekend wasn’t filled with surprises, even this last meal turned out to be a surprise – Elizabeth and I met at Covel, only to realize they didn’t open until 11:30. And I had to leave to drive home at noon, so we decided to change our location to… Hedrick! I didn’t even know Hedrick was open until she suggested going there. And I consider it a big surprise because that’s the only place I hadn’t eaten at ever since I graduated. Hedrick is closed on Friday nights and Saturdays, so I don’t get to go there during most of my visits. And the people I’ve eaten with in past visits tend to choose other dining halls simply out of habit. But I had entirely forgotten that Hedrick opens on Sundays, since I hadn’t exactly been on campus on Sundays after fall quarter. So Elizabeth and I walked up the hill and enjoyed an awesome brunch in Hedrick. What better way to spend the last meal of my last visit this schoolyear?

As with the rest of this trip (most of it at least), things turned out surprisingly smooth in terms of scheduling; I was rarely late to anything, and got to spend time with everyone who answered their phones/IMs when I told them I was visiting. In fact, it went so smoothly that I arrived back at church for the missions meeting at almost exactly 1PM (the planned arrival time). After that I went to Rowland HS for Carol’s track banquet. It was basically a dinner and awards assembly for the track team members and their friends and families. And this was Carol’s last year in high school track. She not only got MVP, but was also indicted to the Hall of Fame. How awesome is that? =) I wish my high school career ended so well. But of course, God has different plans for everyone, and in the end every one of these plans will work for good. Now that I’m back at home and finished unpacking, I think God’s plan for me at this moment is to stop staring at the computer screen and go to sleep so I can focus on teaching tomorrow. So that’s exactly what I’m gonna do!

05/29: Taking a break from packing for tomorrow’s UCLA trip. There have been several changes regarding this trip so far, the latest being an early arrival tomorrow, since it turns out I get to leave work three hours earlier than expected. There are already many exciting things planned for the weekend, as well as plenty of time for surprises. Here’s what the trip looks like so far-

Friday – Meet with Anny and Tammy in San Gabriel in the morning for Dim Sum! Okay fine, that’s not technically part of the trip, but Anny and Tammy are my friends from UCLA, so I guess it counts right? If there’s any extra time before I have to drive back to Walnut to teach afterwards, I’ll swing by ProMax and hopefully get a few shots there. Consider that a warm-up trip for Saturday and Sunday. After teaching, off I go to UCLA! Maybe an early dinner if I run into someone with Premier? Go to Schoenberg to watch the show (Horror movie!?) that Elizabeth is playing in, then eat afterwards (nuggets anyone? =) ).

Saturday – Don’t bother trying to make me happy by saying you’ll wake up in the morning just to hang out with me – I’m almost positive it’s not gonna happen. So to make life easier for everyone, I’ll spend the morning in Beverly Hills shooting cars, probably around 10-12ish, then head back to campus to eat and hang out for the rest of the day. If any Car-Parazzi people want to join me in BH, give me a call anytime if you have my number, or just look for a weird-looking Chinese guy on a scooter =).

Sunday – Wake up early (8ish maybe?) and head over to Calabasas to catch Supercar Sunday! It’s been almost half a year since I was last there, and it’s gonna be an awesome time of shooting cars and hanging out with friends – we have people coming all the way from Texas and Florida, as well as our own So-Cal guys! After that I’m free until around noon, so if anyone (at SCS or at UCLA) wants to have an early lunch, let me know!

I know without doubt this UCLA visit is gonna be a special one. Not that the previous visits weren’t special, but it’s slowly starting to hit me that this will be my last visit of the schoolyear. Sure, I can still come back in the summer or next schoolyear, and I’m sure I will. But everyone who has lived on the Hill for more than one year knows that each schoolyear is a new story that can never be repeated again. All the floors that I’m familiar with and the people that I’m so used to seeing will simply not be the same anymore. Once finals are over, people start disappearing one by one, often losing touch completely, until school starts again, then everyone is scattered in different places and forced to adapt to a new life. And of course, that’s when things will truly start to become unfamiliar to me, since I will no longer be an actual part of the Hill at all. For now, I’m gonna keep making the most out of what I have and be reminded once again of God’s love for me through all the people I visit. May His will continue to be done in these next few days.

05/27: About a month ago I stumbled upon a phenomenon called “Kung Fu Panda”, which by now almost everyone knows about. It all began during a trip to Costco with my mom. We walked through the snack aisle and discovered a new type of gummy snacks sold in big red boxes with pandas in kung fu poses. Not knowing it was named after an upcoming movie, I found it to be a strange name for a snack. Did the people who made it really think they could attract more customers just by trying to make their gummies seem as “Chinese” as possible? We’re definitely way past those days when Americans point their cameras at Asians as if they were from a different planet. But come on, “Kung Fu Panda”? Can they come up with anything more stereotypically Chinese? After all, the only things that Chinese people can do are raise pandas and do kung fu, right?

[Insert gong crash in background]

Either way, the marketing technique somehow succeeded; a big box of Kung Fu Panda gummies found its way to my mom’s shopping cart. At the cashier, we were greeted by a young Latino male who pretty much stared at us as if we were related to the pandas on the box. Apparently he had never seen the product before either. He asked us if we liked it (somehow assuming that we were very familiar with it already), and I basically told him everything I wrote in the previous paragraph.

Fast forward to this past week. Those pandas appeared before my eyes once again, this time in the form of a TV commercial for Kung Fu Panda action figures. That was when I found out it is an upcoming movie. When I went to the mall over the weekend, it appeared the panda posse has begun its plan to take over the world. The entire mall was decorated with pandas in fighting poses on big red banners that look like they were taken straight out of Mao Zedong’s book. Many of the banners were ornamented with dragons, bamboo sticks, and Buddhist temples. What’s next, a man with small eyes and a triangular hat eating rice on the Great Wall?

[Gong crash, take two]

I guess we Asian-Americans really haven’t achieved as much as we tend to think. Once we get out of places such as Rowland Heights and San Gabriel, there are still plenty of opportunities for people to stereotype us, especially when it comes to popular culture. How have Chinese people contributed to American entertainment? Let’s see, there’s Tai Mai Shu, then there’s William Hung. Yao Ming and some of the other athletes aren’t bad, but most of them are still inevitably tied to their identity as not just a good athlete, but a Chinese athlete. What about in the movie industry? When Chinese actors/actresses have a role in American movies, they need to either have a ridiculous accent or be good at kung fu. A few actresses may get a role as a passive, good-looking girl wearing some sort of traditional Asian dress, but even in those cases they will most likely have at least one fighting scene. Oh well, at least all the little kung fu sound effects work best with a Chinese accent.

With all that said, I really have nothing against Dreamworks’ latest movie. My sister (who, by the way, carries a pack of those gummies almost everywhere she goes) is eager to watch it after it comes out on June 6th, and I kind of want to see it too, just so I can find out exactly how “Chinese” it really is. I treat all these stereotypes as comical rather than offensive, and I’m sure that’s how the movie is intended to be. In all honesty, we Chinese-Americans should be thankful for the progress we’ve already made. My African-American friend was once tackled by a bunch of kids in Taiwan screaming “Michael Jordan!” with a bad accent. At least kids here don’t chase us down the street calling us Jackie Chan. Not that there’s anything wrong with Jackie Chan (or Michael Jordan), but it would simply be nice to know people without all the racial stereotypes. I admit I’m nowhere near perfect at not judging people by race, but at least I didn’t ask the Costco cashier guy if he was related to Dora the Explorer. It’s gonna be interesting to see how each of these stereotypes will change (in both good and bad ways) as a new generation of American youth rises to power in the near future. We Chinese-Americans have already proven to America that we have potential, and in many areas have worked our ways to success. But for now, when it comes to American popular culture, we’re still just a bunch of kung fu pandas.

05/25: Back after an awesome night of hanging out at Jeff(Yen)'s house and dinner at Tasty Garden. Now I have enough episodes of Top Gear to keep me busy for a very long time. I also got a couple CDs and a few cars (Jag XK140 and "Shaguar") from Jacob who apparently left for Taiwan. It kind of feels like a birthday during my middle school and high school years - new music to listen to, new cars to stare at, etc. Of course, it's not my birthday or anything, which makes it even more strange that there's all these little unexpected gifts sitting in my room. Not that I"m complaining...

On a separate note, I'm feeling quite encouraged now thanks to last night's PACT meeting. After an awesome time of worship, Wilson spoke on a very important topic - rejoicing in all circumstances, whether good or bad. Then we had small group time, during which Diana, Priscilla, and I talked about the various areas in our lives we worry too much about and need to trust in God for. Even though we're at (slightly) different stages in our lives, we all share this common weakness of holding too tightly on to our own lives.

We spent some time praying for each other, which was, sadly, a surprise to me, since I tend to almost always end up in small groups that don't seem to value the need to pray for one another. I won't mention names because I'm not trying to criticize anyone personally, but I do want to remind whoever is reading this that if you ever get to lead a small group, genuine sharing and prayer should never be neglected, because you never know when someone has a problem that they only feel comfortable sharing when given a good opportunity to do so.

Anyways, back to the whole trusting in God thing. A lot of people think I'm pretty good with letting God direct my life, and to an extent it's true simply because many things in my life are so far beyond my own control that I figured it's only logical to let God take care of them. But last night I discovered a bigger challenge. Can I also rejoice in all the little things in my everyday life that don't go my way? When people don't talk to me with a good attitude, I sometimes feel like my day is ruined. When someone cuts me off while driving to work, I tend to want to get them back. When it starts raining unexpectedly and I have to change my plans, I get extremely frustrated even though it's nobody's fault. In these times I'm definitely not rejoicing, which means I'm clearly taking things into my own hands rather than trusting God with them. Phillipians 4:4-7 says that if I treat these situations with joy and thanksgiving, God's peace will be with me. I've always treated bad situations as things that need to be dealt with simply for the sake of maturing in my walk with God, but even though I've read this passage several times before, I somehow managed to completely forget about this peace that I desperately need. When I'm consumed by my own anger and pride, my heart is everything but peaceful. But in such a chaotic world, can there be anything more valuable than discovering true peace from the God who created me? I now have a new goal to fight for, and it seems to make every little battle so much more worthwhile. I pray that I will keep this attitude in mind as I enter into another week and allow it to guide my every step.

05/23: Just got home after an awesome dinner for Cinda's birthday at Buca Di Beppo. Yea, I know, I was supposed to stay over at her place tonight... there's been a pretty big change of plans. Apparently the weather has decided to start playing tricks on me, so because of the rain I've decided to cancel the C&C trip tomorrow morning. Sorry to the people who were gonna meet up there... as spoiled So-Cal spotters we all know there must be better days to catch the meet (next week is Alfa Romeo day for those who are interested =) ).

Of course, I'm definitely very disappointed, especially since I won't have another free Saturday until sometime in August. But who says Saturday mornings are the only times for car meets? So here's the new plan - because of tomorrow's cancellation, the UCLA Visit the following weekend will be extended an additional night. So I'll be at UCLA from Friday night until Sunday morning, when I'll leave to go attend Supercar Sunday in Calabasas. I'll be back in Hacienda Hts no later than 1PM to catch the mission team meeting followed by Carol's track banquet.

So for all you car spotters that want to meet up, come to SCS next Sunday (June 1)!! And there's a good chance I'll be in Beverly Hills on Saturday morning too, since I have a very good feeling nobody at UCLA will be awake to hang out with me anyways. We'll see... Of course, that's only assuming there won't be another random thunderstorm. So far the weather says "Sunny" all next week. Let's hope it stays that way...

05/19: Caterpillar update. I had a feeling something would have changed when I saw those two caterpillars again today. Indeed something changed, so much that the larger of the two caterpillars isn't even a caterpillar anymore! Take a look-

05/18: It's one of those amazing Sunday nights where I find it hard to actually lose focus on God after a great time of sharing and prayer with Mom and Carol. Earlier this week Carol attended a program at school that taught against drunk driving through using a few preselected students to simulate the consequences of death. I actually thought it was a pretty cheesy idea at first, and I'm sure many others felt the same way, until we found ourselves in tears of joy simply for being able to reunite with our families and friends. Since Carol was among those few who got selected to "die" for a day, Mom and I both experienced what it would be like to potentially lose her. Earlier tonight we got to share our thoughts about the event, and came to the amazing realization that life is simply too precious to be taken for granted.

The topic of drunk driving never really bothered me much, since I rarely drink to begin with and don't see myself having to worry about such a problem. But what if I end up as one of the countless victims who lost their lives or became permanently handicapped because of another drunk driver? What if it happens to my family members or my friends, or simply anyone that I know? Now that's when things really hit home for me. How often does it occur to us that this world is filled with danger beyond our control, and that a simple walk around the neighborhood or commute to the grocery store could bring an end to innocent lives? Sure, this whole simulation of losing my sister is all made up. But still I'm forced to ask myself "What if it's real?"

I often find it easy to identify with the many young people today who feel like they are strong enough to conquer just about anything on their own. Death seems so far away that we figure it shouldn’t bother us until we’re older. When I'm focused on selfish goals such as expressing unnecessary anger or building my pride, it seems like nothing in this world can stop me. I like to daydream a lot, fantasizing about myself with excessive amounts of power and wealth. It's not a bad thing to set high goals and work hard to achieve them, but then there's potentially a bigger problem - what if I don't live long enough to reach that goal? If I were to leave this world today, what have I accomplished that I can take with me to heaven? If it happened to a friend or family member, what would I have said or done differently to that person knowing it was the last time we could talk? In my family it's not exactly surprising to end a conversation with unsettled arguments, often over very small things. We often take each other for granted knowing that as a family we will always love each other no matter what happens. But what if a stupid argument turns out to be our last words to each other? As I watch the news and see the constantly rising death toll from the earthquake in China, I'm starting to truly understand that there's so much more to life than the goals set by/for this world. We've been taught those goals all our lives - do well in school, graduate from college, get a well-paying job, spend the money to start a family and live a long and happy life. And death? Let's not worry about it right now, because it doesn't fit in with this picture-perfect American Dream. Of course, life is so much more fun if we don't have to think about death. But let's face the truth - death is real, it's scary, and it can happen anytime.

This whole idea might seem very depressing or pessimistic. But thankfully, beyond understanding the severity of death there is a greater truth - The God who created every one of us watches over us every day and will write our life stories if we're willing to believe and trust Him. When we fix our eyes on heaven, it becomes our ultimate goal. And with that goal in mind, what is there to be afraid of? Sure, I don’t want to go through whatever suffering may happen prior to death. But to think that in the end I’ll be in paradise, death really isn’t all that scary anymore. There’s only one problem left – all the people in this world I’ll miss and all the people who will miss me. That brings me to my conclusion – life is so delicate and so precious, and I need live every moment to the fullest so that in the end I’ll have no regrets. My last words to the people around me will be words I want them to remember me by, and my life on earth will become a complete volume of stories that give the world a glimpse of God’s love.

05/16: It's starting to hit me that many of my friends are already on summer vacation. Even though I'm not in school anymore, my life still follows the academic calendar to an extent, especially since my teaching job usually goes through major transitions between schooltime and summer. Since I'm going to Taiwan in July, I doubt I'll start any new exciting career until after I come back, unless of course God decides to provide sooner than I expect. But as far as I can see, my life until Taiwan will be mostly relaxing in a busy way - which is definitely a good thing. As crazy as it seems, tomorrow is my last free Saturday until August. That means there's plenty of exciting things to look forward to in the near future. Here's a quick update-

May 23-24 (Fri-Sat): IRVINE TRIP, beginning with Cinda's birthday dinner and party on Friday night. I'll spend the night there and hopefully get at least a little sleep, since I'm waking up at around 6AM the next morning just in time for *drumroll...* CARS & COFFEE!! Car-Parazzi guys, let me know if you'll be at C&C that day too! I'm purposely not making any lunch/afternoon plans because chances are I'll have just enough energy left to drive home, then I'll hop in bed and sleep until dinner. But if anyone in the Irvine area wants to meet up and doesn't mind me looking like I'm clearly lacking sleep, let me know and I'll see what I can do.

May 30-31 (Fri-Sat): UCLA VISIT #5. Yep, my last visit this schoolyear! It's basically the same drill - arrive Friday night for dinner, stay until Saturday night (time TBA). Sunday is Carol's track banquet, so I doubt I'll be at the church picnic thing (assuming its on that day?) unless it's right after church. We'll see...

June 7 (Sat): Cynthia and Garland's WEDDING! It's been a while since I've been to a wedding where I'm not the pianist, so now I actually get to see what its like to be in the audience! I have a very good feeling this is gonna end up like another mini-reunion for all the people that used to come to our church. Speaking of the wedding, I better go figure out what gift to get them!

June 14 (Sat): GCCI COFFEEHOUSE! This time it will be a fundraiser for the Taiwan mission team, which means I'm almost certain to be playing somewhere in the program. There's also a chance I'll be giving my testimony (about being a music major) that night. Please come and support our team! More details TBA

June 15 & 21 (Sun, Sat): CLAYMUSIC concerts! Sunday morning at Home of Christians (HOC), and Saturday night at Rowland Heights Community Christian Church (RHCCC). I know lots of people at both places, so hopefully I'll see you guys there!

June 28 (Sat): The long-awaited BARBECUE PARTY! Ever since I told Ken about it he's already busy thinking about how to make the food. Trust me, he's good at it, and if you were there at last year's party then you know what I mean. Only difference is that there won't be fireworks this year, since it's not on the 4th of July (cuz I'll be gone by then). But all the food, fun, and fellowship will still be there, so if you're free that day then make sure you come!

July 3 (Thurs): TAIWAN MISSION TRIP! My first time in Taiwan after like 15 years. It's gonna be extremely exciting, extremely hot, and extremely scary, especially during the extra week that Carol and I are staying there by ourselves to visit relatives, since our Chinese isn't all that great and we have no idea how to survive on our own in a different country. But I'm sure that by the time we're about to come back home, we're gonna wish we had more time to spend there. Even though I’m really scared, I’m definitely looking forward to this trip.

Anyways, with so many things in my head right now, I’m actually looking forward to this coming weekend, which consists of pretty much nothing so far, with a few tentative plans that may or may not work out. I tend to complain when there’s not enough activities going on in my life, but this is one of those few times when I’m very happy to just stay home and maybe do some yardwork or work on my room or practice some more jazz. Speaking of jazz, that’s exactly what I feel like doing right now. So I’ll shut up and go turn the keyboard on!

05/15: Correction - those caterpillars in the previous entry are NOT butterflies. They're actually moths. I was a bit disappointed at first, but they're actually a very cool type of moth. Called the White-Lined Sphinx, they look like hummingbirds and can be about as big as one too. I'm definitely not a scientist, but I spent about an hour or so researching (yes, I have no life). Earlier today the little caterpillar just finished shedding its old layer of skin earlier today, so Justin Jasmine and I watched it squeeze its way out. As for the big one, it started behaving a bit strangely, and thankfully my research gave me an idea why. I found out that White-Lined Sphinx caterpillars make their cocoons underground, so I told Justin and Jasmine, who filled the cup with several inches of soil and put the caterpillars back inside. Immediately the big one started digging! It was crazy... have you ever seen a caterpillar dig? Me neither. Perhaps by now it already found its way underground. I'll find out tomorrow when I see it again.

05/13: Ever since my students got busy with state testing - STAR, CAT6, whatever you call it... - they haven't had much homework to worry about. When I go to Justin and Jasmine's house every evening, we often spend our extra time watching their two little pets. The more I observe them, the more fascinated I become, and today I finally decided to bring my camera with me for a little photo/video shoot.

05/11: Happy Mother's Day! Not that there are many (if any) mothers who actually read this thing. But still, I'm just trying to be nice and polite =). Last night the celebration began at Newport - the restaurant, not the beach. It was kind of a combination of an early Mother's Day dinner and a celebration for my aunt's birthday. Poor Howard went to the Cheesecake Factory by himself to get a reservation first, only to realize the wait was "at least two and a half hours". So we said screw that and settled for Chinese food. Not that it's bad or anything, but when it comes to peak times like Mother's Day weekend, Chinese restaurants tend to show no mercy to their customers. Wait times are ridiculously long even after stuffing the room with so many extra tables and chairs that the manager can only pray that no fire marshal will ever check the "Maximum Room Capacity" sign. Then again, there's so many people frantically running around that you probably can't even find the friggin' sign. Part of our dinner entertainment involved watching a group of waiters roll a giant round tabletop at full speed across the room only inches away from our heads. To people who are not Chinese, it pretty much feels like a circus with really good food. And yes, everyone at the restaurant is speaking Chinese! Make a quick trip to the bathroom (praying that you don't trip over anything/anyone) and you'll hear countless arguments about Taiwan's new president. Walk outside the door, and it's no different. Countless Chinese families with Chinese kids yelling in Chinese walking around a parking lot filled with Hondas and Toyotas being directed by security guards who are also speaking Chinese.

Fortunately, growing up in Rowland Heights, I'm quite used to this kind of chaos already. We did have to yell at the waitress at one point to have her order the chefs to slow down, since almost all the food we ordered came within the same 5-minute time interval leaving us no room to put everything and no time to eat at all. At the end the manager came out and apologized, which I thought was extremely kind especially in a chaotic time like that. But yea, that helped the waitress redeem her tip =). Afterwards we went back to Aunt Amy's house for cake & champagne. We didn't stay too late, because there was plenty more to do early this morning...

So Mother's Day started with Carol Ben Steph and I preparing breakfast for our moms and for everyone else. The only downside to that is having to wake up at 6:45AM to do all the preparation. But it was definitely worth it. Came home with Carol afterwards to prepare our own gifts for Mom, then went to church. The children's ministry did an awesome performance of the Mother's Day song they sing like every single year, except now it's a new fast version =). It's all on YouTube for those who want to see.

As usual, lunch on Sunday consists of a single bao-dzz since there's no time to go out to eat before the Missions Team meeting. Fortunately, the big Mother's Day dinner began at 5:30, so we didn't stay hungry for long. Of all places, we chose to go to Diamond Plaza, notorious for overcrowding and impossible parking. Surprisingly, it wasn't nearly as bad as a typical Friday night when all the Asian kids come out to drink boba and take Cue pictures. I guess more and more people are starting to celebrate Mother's Day in advance. It's actually kind of funny, cuz I swear everything was more crowded last night than it was tonight. But at least we had a nice relaxed dinner, followed by a walk across the plaza. That walk really helped ease my stomach of the seven-and-a-half bowls of rice I consumed during dinner. I could have done more, if the meat and sauce didn't run out.

So yea, that's the end of the party. And because we ate early, there was enough time after coming home for a brief sharing/prayer time. For me nothing much has changed other than the fact that I'm much more optimistic now than I was a week ago. Hopefully it can stay that way. Anyways, time to go practice some more jazz. Bye!

05/09: Recently I got to talk with a friend who asked me the question "How can you tell when God is calling you?" It's definitely not one of those straightforward questions that can be answered in a single sentence. God creates each person to be unique, and He often speaks to us in different ways. In my life God has "talked" to me through various words, people, and signs, and after sharing some of those experiences with my friend, I thought it would be a good idea to write them out, both for others to see and for myself to look back and reflect on.

Unfortunately, God doesn't call our cell phones and give us step-by-step directions with a deep and thundering voice. But He does provide us with a set of truths - The Bible. The Proverbs, the Ten Commandments, and Jesus' own words in the Gospels can help us eliminate many wrong choices. The Bible gives us many real-life examples from all kinds of people who demonstrate how to live and make decisions according to those principles. Each time I open the it with a desire to grow closer to God, I learn something new that I never noticed before. Even the same old stories that I have known since childhood still teach me new things when I read them for the hundredth time. When God's Word touches our hearts and prompts us to take action, there's really no reason to say no. As long as we live according to Scripture, we are glorifying Him and following His calling through obedience.

But what about those times when we face choices that don't necessarily involve going against Biblical teachings? Most of our decisions - college, career, marriage, etc. - are not as simple as choosing good versus evil. Some people believe God simply doesn't care about those things because they're not significant compared to heavenly treasures. God definitely cares about them, but He also wants us to understand that our primary focus should be on eternity. Our prayers should be focused on expressing our genuine love for Him rather than just throwing all our desires to Him. When we let Him be the center of our lives and fix our eyes on the things that last forever, everything else in our lives will fall into place too.

Many of my own experiences with hearing God's "voice" involve clear promptings to do things that are totally out of my character. After being exposed to a devotional book during my freshman year at UCLA, I purchased a copy for myself, and only after doing so did I realize it was the first time in my life I ever bought a book for personal reading. As a child I despised reading, and bought books only for pictures. Yet not once did I hesitate to get this book and commit to reading it daily. It was through this book that I eventually understood God's calling for me to switch my major from engineering to music.

When it came time for me to find a job last summer, I suddenly found interest in the idea of giving up the teaching jobs I had for years and replacing them with some sort of minimum-wage position. I realized that I had been too spoiled by the freedom, prestige, and good income of being a tutor and music teacher and needed a job that could humble me and teach me to work alongside others and obey commands from people of higher positions. As a UCLA student only months before graduation, such an idea was almost unheard of, and I knew right away that it was God's calling, since it clearly contradicted my boastful attitude toward my teaching job. God provided for me a position as a warehouse worker, and through a couple months of working for long hours in the nearly unbearable summer heat, I began to learn the valuable lesson of taking my focus off myself and paying attention to the people around me.

Sometimes we can't hear God's voice because we're so busy living our lives that our relationship with Him becomes a last priority. In the midst of hundreds of other voices, God's is merely a whisper. When God prompted me to switch my major to music, I was hesitant and doubted Him because all the other voices around me were telling me otherwise. My Chinese-American background told me that my former major, engineering, was more honorable. The American education system told me that even though I was failing my engineering classes, I needed to work hard and not chicken out. My family and friends told me that with a music degree it will be hard to find a stable job to support my future family. Yes, each of those voices offers some degree of truth. But if God Himself is calling me out of the crowd, does He not have the power to take care of me?

It took me months to reach that conclusion. During that time God also used many people and miraculous signs to communicate His message to me, but I was too consumed by all the other voices around me that it took me so long to recognize which people He was using to speak to me and which aspects of my life were signs from Him. Not once did I seriously consider becoming a music major due to all the impracticalities and risks involved. But when I began allowing myself to stop focusing on all the distractions and probe the idea, all the signs that God had given me became undoubtedly clear. I spent about an hour every day alone with God in a garden where nobody would bother me, and as the weeks passed and I focused on seeking His purpose for my life, the many other voices around me began to fade away, and I became much more receptive to what He wanted to say to me.

In a world where people find security through cell phones and online social networks that they're unwilling to turn off or log off, it's no surprise God's voice cannot be heard. We're always so busy making sure we're constantly connected to other people, and by doing so we leave room for countless distractions during times we spend “alone” with God. It’s like trying to have a good talk with a friend while blasting music loudly through big headphones. You may not be able to hear everything your friend has to say, and your friend will probably feel like you’re not listening. How can we expect God to speak to us if we’re not willing to give Him our completely attention first?

Sometimes God speaks through a simple idea or thought in our heads. During last year’s retreat with my church, I felt a small prompting to drop my old habit of doodling during sermons and pay full attention to the speaker, and in the end God used that speaker to transform my life. In times like this it takes discernment to recognize His voice. Thankfully God gave me the wisdom to not dismiss that prompting as another moral desire to do good and to actually give it a try. If it wasn’t for what God did in my life through that retreat, this whole conversation I had with my friend about recognizing God’s calling may have never happened.

Our environment often dictates which voices we hear most clearly. When we spend more quality time with God, we will get to know Him at a deeper level. When we surround ourselves with people that can strengthen our faith, we will want to live just like they do. When we commit to reading the Bible regularly, the words will come alive and give us more insight on God's will. By setting our focus on intimacy with God through Scripture, people, and a personal relationship with Him, we will begin to recognize His voice more easily. God is constantly speaking to us in different ways, but it is our choice whether or not to listen and follow Him.

I remember reading the Old Testament as a child and always criticizing the Israelites for being a bunch of idiots, since God physically appeared and spoke to them and they still kept turning away from Him. As I grew older my own weaknesses became more apparent to me, and I realized that I am by no means better than any of them. Even when I ask God for help and He answers, I often refuse to accept His answer simply because it doesn't make me happy immediately. Part of my journey to realizing that God wanted me to switch majors involved failing chemistry twice in a row; God knew that only through failure could my eyes be opened to see that I didn't belong in the engineering school. But during that time I doubted him, thinking He tricked me into a good university only to make me feel worthless. When I prayed last summer that God would help me find the job He wanted me to have, He took me through a whole month of sending out countless applications and getting rejected, and I fell into depression and was at the brink of giving up. But when I turned back to Him for help, remembering that He was the one who called me to seek a new kind of work experience, He opened the doors for me to the warehouse, and I got the job without any sort of application or interview. It's impossible to write a good story without having some kind of tension that needs resolution, and in the same way God often takes me through periods of trial to nurture my character before leading me to the happy ending He has in mind. During those times I often turn away from Him, stubbornly thinking it is better to live life my own way. But in the end He is still faithful, and His stories never cease to amaze me. He promises us in Romans 8:28 that all things will work for good as long as we truly love Him and live according to His calling and purpose. And I can say without doubt that the stories He can write in our lives are greater than anything we can ever write ourselves. After all, we don't call Him God for no reason.

I consider myself very fortunate to have gone through so many times like this when God simply gives me directions and wants me to follow them. But in a sense I've been somewhat spoiled; even though people often think I have strong faith, my faith is only strong when God tells me exactly what to do. I believe there are two kinds of faith, one in which God gives us directions and wants us to obey, and one in which God doesn't make things completely clear but expects us to step forward and believe that He is with us. Sometimes I'm so focused on finding my own ways to hear God's voice that I forget to trust Him regardless of whether or not He speaks to me. Ultimately the question isn't about how to hear God's voice, but rather our attitude toward our relationship with Him. Do we want to hear His voice so we can boast about it, or do we really value it as a part of our relationship with Him? Do we rely on Him only in times when we can't help ourselves, or do we truly trust Him with every aspect of our lives? Are we willing to accept His calling even when it contradicts our own desires? Do we believe that He made each of us according to His perfect plan, and that He has the power to speak to us in ways that we can understand?

People only tell their secrets to those they trust, and in the same way God will reveal His secrets to us one by one as our relationships with Him become stronger. God has one calling that applies to all of us - to live according to the instructions He gives us through the Bible. Sure, as humans it's basically impossible to master all those instructions. But we do have the ability to try. When God sees our efforts to follow the callings He has already given us, He not only forgives us for the times we fail, but trusts us with more of His secrets so that we can know His callings in a much more intimate and personal way. Even though I unfortunately have a long way to go before being able to completely trust Him with my whole life, deep inside I know from experience that His calling is always strong enough to get my attention when it needs to, and that it is always worth following in the long run, regardless of what challenges my come up along the way. For some of us, God is calling us to accept Him as Lord for the first time. For others, He wants us to turn off our distractions and focus more on our relationships with Him. Still for others, He wants us to take a specific path with our education or our careers. God created each one of us and has a perfect and unique plan for each of our lives. And He is calling out to us right now. Are we willing to listen and follow Him?

05/06: Very fun day =). Had breakfast at IHOP this morning with Mom, Uncle, and Grandma. It was a last-minute decision, but Mom knew me well enough to wake me up in the morning. And for the great food, great fellowship, and all the free time I had in the morning after coming back home, it was definitely worth it =).

Earlier tonight I went to Wilson High School for their Jazz Band concert, featuring Jenny! Some people might think I have better things to do with my time than go listen to high schoolers play music, but the truth is that I feel very encouraged by getting to hear some jazz than I can actually understand (to an extent). All the real hardcore jazz stuff can be so complicated and even though it's fun, I get lost from the very beginning. And Wilson's Jazz Band is really good too =). And I sat with Jenny's parents who actually remembered me from the last time I visited her (sometime last summer?). Anyways, now I'm back at home and feeling very motivated to practice some jazz. The whole idea of improvised solos seems so incredibly fun, except for the fact that I suck at them. Okay fine, improv in general isn't too difficult for me. But when it comes to ninth chords and melodic minor modes and all that jazz, I'm not even close to what I consider good. The Jazz Theory book I've been reading has taught me more than I ever thought was possible already, and with the help of some more practice I'm sure I'll start improving soon. Speaking of practice, I guess I better stop writing now...

05/04: It seems like forever since I last wrote an SNU that involves genuinely probing my heart like I used to always do a few months ago. Lately I've been too consumed by the big mess in my life to give myself a chance to do so. Yes, there's still a sea of questions in my mind that I desperately need answers to, and I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about them. But I'm glad to say that at least there are a couple events from this past week that make me feel more motivated now than I was in a very long time.

The first was, unsurprisingly, my trip to UCLA. After having to deal with the aftermath of the previous trip, I honestly was quite shaken regarding my commitment to future visits. At times I almost concluded that my decision to visit time after time was simply a result of me being too stubborn to let go of my past, since I was so distant from God that my attitude toward this most recent trip felt like nothing more than rebellious. It wasn't until I began to call people to make plans earlier this week that I realized they were actually eager to see me again, and that my decision to visit again wasn't purely selfish. Many of those people are the same ones that I pray for every night, and I must admit that my attitude toward prayer hadn't been anywhere near pleasing to God. It became clear to me that this trip was about so much more than just myself. On Thursday night (the night before I left for UCLA), I fell on my knees and had probably my most genuine prayer time in this past month. I placed before Him all the emotional and financial turmoils that resulted from the previous trip, and said that I believed those things were a test of my character so that God could use me to work for His kingdom.

With that in mind, I packed my belongings on Friday and left for UCLA. In a sense, this was probably the most unstructured of my UCLA visits, since everyone is busy with midterms and other activities. But as I've learned many times, flexibility in my schedule often allows God to work in unexpected ways. This is the time of the schoolyear when people start to realize how quicly time is passing by. For the freshmen, their first year in college is suddenly coming to an end. It's time to prepare for a new beginning, and that involves facing new uncertainties and finding answers to many new questions. Because I had many empty slots in my schedule, I had the chance to engage in several long and meaningful conversations by which both my friends and I were very blessed. My college career was one filled with stories of God's power demonstrated in my life, and I find great joy in being able to share these stories with others so that they too can be blessed by them. Many of my friends are going through the same problems that God has helped me overcome, and by sharing my experiences I not only have a chance to let them see God's greatness, but also a chance to remind myself of how God has never failed me. I told some friends about my current struggles too, and received plenty of desperately needed encouragement that prompted me to turn my life in the right direction once again.

That brings me to the second event, tonight's family Bible study time. In these past few months there have been so many things interrupting this weekly commitment that it actually felt strange to do things as planned for once. But Mom, Carol, and I all knew deep inside that we were in desperate need of a time like this. There were so many things that needed to be talked out. I've been a total jerk to them lately, and to an extent still am, and after praying for years I still don't know when God will finally help me find a way out of this mess. But at least my family still forgives me and accepts me. To be honest, right now I'm at the point where I don't even want the people I hurt to give me another chance, because I know almost undoubtedly that I'm just going to break their trust again eventually. Yes, I know this is definitely a lack of faith on my part. It may seem surprising that even after having gone through so many journeys of faith in areas that most people aren't willing to trust God in, I still can't have faith for something as simple as being nice to the people I care about. But right now I'm just glad to finally have a chance to talk about these things with my family and receive prayer, and through our time tonight I realized that there are a few changes I need to make in my life. I need to stop blaming God for all my problems when I know it's all part of His plan. I need to treat my relationship with Him seriously rather than reading the Bible and pray every day just to cross them off on my to-do list. Even though I don't know when (if ever) this struggle will end, I need to simply do my part and try my best to fight. I always encourage so many people to have faith, and it's about time I start doing the same in my own life too.

In a sense I consider this new week a new beginning, and I believe that the joy in my heart right now, whether shallow or deep, will give me at least a small boost in my desire to live my life for God again. But I know that in the end this joy alone cannot sustain me, and it will require a lot of effort for me to keep moving forward. God, give me a glimpse of your love once again so that I can realize how empty my life is without You. Let Your words come alive as I read them every day, and let our conversations be genuine rather than selfish on my part. In the times when I am tempted, may I remember Your teachings and use them as weapons to fight. And may I return to You both in times of success and failure, so that I can understand Your unfailing love at a deeper level.

05/03: Back from another awesome UCLA visit. I need to be at church at 8AM tomorrow for worship practice, so I'll keep this entry short for now. If I had to sum up the past day and a half in just a few words, "quality over quantity" would be the perfect description. Not that there wasn't quality in my previous visits, but this was was just at a more extreme level. First of all, I didn't get to see nearly as many people as I expected, mostly because of the various campus events that made people busy and not in their dorms. But for those that I did see, we got to spend plenty of time together to a point where I wonder if they're sick of me yet. For now, here's a quick summary.

Friday - Arrived at UCLA and met with Julia at Deneve for dinner. The dining hall was quite empty, since everyone was at Spring Sing. Went up to Hedrick just before 9PM to visit Jane, then went to chill with Christine Trinh Antony and Harry. We watched "A Walk to Remember" while eating nuggets. Went to Bruin Cafe with Sophia and talked for like an hour, then walked with her back to Deneve. Ran into Jessica(Yun) and Keiko on their way up to Bruin Cafe, so I went to join them there afterwards. Then we went back to Deneve to visit Abraham and chilled there until like 12:30. I totally didn't expect to be out so late, but I definitely didn't mind. Trinh signed be back into Hedrick, and we visited Christine Jerry and Antony. Christine went home but let us stay in her room - until around 2AM when the fire alarm went off. So sadly, no more Xbox for Antony and Jerry. At least the four of us ran fast enough and snuck into Hedrick Summit before the RA's caught us and told us to go across the street. So we explored Summit for a little bit and eventually found a nice empty lounge on the second floor where we could talk and also see when they started letting people back into Hedrick. (For those who are curious, yes, it's another burnt popcorn incident. But hey, if I want to relive the dorm experience, I must accept the whole package, fire alarms included). Antony and I went to Trinh's room and we all talked there until like 4AM.

I still find it amazing that every time I set foot on the Hill, something deep inside me seems to suddenly come alive again. Earlier this week something was wrong with my right knee and I had trouble even trying to walk normally for a couple days. Then suddenly when I was at UCLA, I found myself running around and forgetting the pain completely (it was still there, but barely noticeable anymore). And at UCLA I seem to have no problem with sleeping at 4AM and still waking up excited about the new day. Diana went home for the weekend, so I took advantage of the empty bed, which actually felt more like a "nest" to me than my usual spot on the floor, since there were so many blankets and pillows that I actually had to dig a hole and squeeze myself in. I got up a little before 11 and wandered around the hallways while eating a small box of salad (one of many edible items I was greeted with last night). A few minutes before noon, I found myself sitting outside Rieber Dining Hall trying to figure out what to do next, since the whole world seemed to be asleep. A part of me was already convinced that if nobody answered the phone by noon, it would be a good idea to go spend the next hour or so in Beverly Hills until someone calls me. Then suddenly Theo appeared on her way back to her room, extremely surprised to see me. She mentioned having lunch, an idea which made me quite excited. A few minutes later, I was eating at Rieber with Theo Jessi Esther Paige Christina and Earl. Ran into Jane and Lucy afterwards and walked with Jane back to Hedrick, where I joined her in her singing practice, just like I did last schoolyear when we were in Chorale together. At around 2:30, I decided to return to 5-North and called Trinh, only to find her still asleep (I guess Christine has an influence on the floor even when she's at home). So I woke her up. And basically I bugged her until I had to leave at night. We went to get a sandwich at Bruin Cafe when they opened, and went back up to eat and talk. Then when it was dinnertime, we decided to take advantage of our resources - some instant noodles, a cup to refill with soda, and a swipe which we spent on a smoothie. Hmmm, So maybe I don't need people with Premier to help me survive. Oh and we had some veggies leftover from last night too, so it wasn't entirely an unhealthy meal. We ate and talked and ate and talked, then talked and talked some more, and it became one of those conversations that simply couldn't be cut short. By the time I checked the clock it was around 9:30 already, and that, mixed with a few accidents on the freeway that made traffic a bit worse than expected, made me end up not going to PACT at all. Yes, I do feel a little guilty, but I really believe that deep and meaningful conversations are a blessing from God, and I was deeply encouraged by the things Trinh and I talked about, as well several other conversations I had throughout this past day and a half. When I visit people who are still in college, I always wish to have a chance to bless them with the things I experienced simply through being a few years older. Okay fine, several years older. And through consistently visiting, keeping in touch, and seeing how much they are changing and growing, I always find myself greatly encouraged by the things God is doing in the lives of those I pray for every day. In a sense, these are the times when I really get to live out a lot of the things I learn to do at cell group and at church. That's why I decided that it wouldn't kill me to miss PACT for one week. There are many things I got to talk about at UCLA that really make me think more deeply about my life and my faith, and when I have time I'll write out my responses so I can reflect on them some more. But for now, I better go get ready to sleep - I definitely don't have a good reason to miss church tomorrow morning too!

05/01: It’s May already. That’s crazy. I can’t believe it’s already been four and a half months since I finished college. Before I know it, all the people still in school will be back for summer vacation, and then suddenly I’ll be in Taiwan for a month, and then I’ll… I don’t know. But I’ll worry about that later. For now, I’m thankful that it’s been a fun and eventful week so far. Going to the Barbeque at Madelyn’s house on Sunday made me feel like it’s some kind of holiday, and getting lunch with Ken the next day (since he had a day off from work) kept the spirit going. We decided to go to Happy Crab – yes, my recommendation, after Ken said he wanted to try it too. Afterwards he came over and we enjoyed the air conditioning and chilled until I had to go teach. It felt just like (the first) Spring Break – having lots of fun, then suddenly going to work, then having more fun, basically giving me the best of both worlds. My uncle from Taiwan is here to visit for these few weeks, so we all had dinner together on Monday. On Wednesday we met up again to go to Rose Hills – an insane hour-and-a-half drive due to an overturned semi-truck. Then we had lunch at Souplantation, something new and exciting to my uncle since such a place doesn’t exist in Taiwan. Today I got to have lunch at Garden Café with Crystal – yep, the one that I hadn’t seen for about two and a half years. There’s some people I know from freshman year that I frequently ran into on my way to/from class, and there’s some that simply disappeared, and Crystal was one of them. But now that we’ve both graduated and live at home and have plenty of free time, we might as well enjoy it by eating together and catching up right? So that’s exactly what we did.

I accidentally skipped Tuesday, but I guess it’s okay, because Tuesday’s fun was the kind that I enjoyed by myself. It all started on my way to work when I saw an F430 Spider at Hing Wa Lee and turned around to get some shots. I parked at the small back parking lot across the street, and just as I was about to get off the car, I saw a figure in my rearview mirror so sleek and beautiful that it took a few seconds for me to actually believe it. Parked only a few feet behind me was a brand-spankin’-new silver Maserati Granturismo. I’d only seen one before – in Beverly Hills – and I didn’t expect one to appear around here in the next year or three. But there it was, right before my eyes. Totally a coincidence, but so amazing that I vaguely remember myself screaming out loud. Perhaps some of the people walking by heard me. But oh well, it was definitely worth it. And the best thing is that I have a very good feeling I know who owns that Granturismo and where he usually parks it, so I get to see it pretty much any time I want.

With all that said, I’m glad to say that the fun will continue tomorrow when I go straight from work to my fourth UCLA visit. It’s back to the typical Friday-Saturday short duration, and I’m sure it’s gonna feel at least a little dissatisfying compared to the previous trip. But it’s not like each trip is competing against the others. And besides, at least I get to park on the Hill the whole time and save myself 700 bucks. If I do by any chance encounter a rat anywhere near my car though, I’ll use the best of my ability to make sure it is brutally tortured, squashed, killed, and squashed again. Perhaps its skull would make an interesting hood ornament large enough to look proud next to any Rolls-Royce. But anyways, that’s totally not my point. Yes, I know during this time everyone is busy with midterms, essays, and the same old stuff that people always stress about. Personally I think it’s always nice to take a little break, especially during the weekend. But if you disagree that’s fine too. I’m not visiting to bother anyone and distract them from studying, and I’m definitely not expecting everyone I call to be anywhere as free as they were when I came during Week 2. All I’m doing is showing that I still care, whether it’s through shutting up and leaving people alone or through spending several hours eating together in the dining hall. I have no idea what to expect, but I know it’s gonna be fun. With that said, it’s time to go get some packing done. UCLA Bruins, see you tomorrow!