04/30: Recently I got to talk to a friend who came back to church after disappearing for over a year. She shared about how it used to be easy to commit to church every Sunday morning, until she missed it for the first time, then it became increasingly easy to feel lazy and not treat it as seriously anymore. Thinking about it now, I realized that her feelings actually echo many of my own, mostly revolving around my attitude toward God since Winter Retreat. Fresh off the mountain, my desire to love God through community gave me a heart to commit to my cell group, my church, my family’s weekly Bible study, and the people I prayed for every day more than ever before. Nothing was attractive enough to make me want to miss these commitments. Then came that dreaded moment when I found out that, for the first time, the Bible study was getting cancelled for one week (due to reasons I didn’t exactly agree with). Both church and cell left me with many complaints, and I felt my love for them start to run dry for the first time. Unsurprisingly, during this time my own devotion to prayer and scripture also declined. It took several weeks before I managed to get over these trials and treat my Christian commitments with a positive attitude again. But by then it was too late; things have never been the same again. Every day I struggle with keeping the fire in my heart burning, and even the smallest irritations can make me completely lose sight of the words I read in the Bible that morning. I still believe in God and try to trust Him in all areas of my life, but I’ve clearly become spiritually lazy, no longer as motivated to commit to God and the people He placed in my life ever since the first time that bubble of perfection was broken.

I’m really blessed by my friend’s words, because they remind me that I’m not alone in this struggle. It’s always nice to have a little encouragement when I’ve been bogged down by the guilt that resulted in my change in attitude. I’ve always known deep inside that God’s grace extends to imperfect people, and He wants us to keep fighting even after we mess up. My laziness is no excuse for me to back out of my commitments, but as a mere human it’s so hard to always be strong. That’s why it feels so good to know that I’m not alone. And in the same way my friend was prompted to return to church after her long absence, I pray that I too may return to my heart of commitment and fall in love with God and His people all over again. Whatever the reason for my friend’s decision to come back, I know that God has His plan in there somewhere. And I believe God has a plan in my life right now too. Perhaps the people around me will convince me that it’s a good idea to come back home. Or perhaps God Himself will reveal new truths to me like He did at Retreat and instantly captivate my heart again. Whatever may come, I believe God’s plan is always greater than my own, and so I’ll trust in Him and let His will continue to be done.

04/29: As I took advantage of the good evening weather to do some yardwork, my mind suddenly flashed back to my high school years. I thought of a girl who would call me just about every day after school. For as long as I could remember, I was the same strange and socially awkward kid desperate for attention simply because I wanted some friends but had been rejected so many times that I had no courage to try anymore. But still she called me every day, bearing with countless awkward moments and periods of silence, and even though I told her that she must have had better things to do than waste hours of her life talking to me, she didn't stop. She saw something about me that nobody else ever saw before. And because of that she believed in me, looking beyond my weaknesses knowing that I would overcome them sooner or later. Several months later, she became my first friend that I could talk to anytime and not have to worry about embarrassing myself. All of the friendships I have now would not have been possible without her, because her insight and persistence taught me to believe in myself and develop the confidence I never thought I had. I know that for the rest of my life I will never forget her efforts that helped me overcome one of my greatest weaknesses.

Fast forward to the present. Earlier today I had a talk with Mom about lots of issues I'm dealing with right now. Every few days, she still brings up the tension that's between us, and that's a good thing, since neither of us want to simply pretend to move on as if nothing happened. It may seem like I want to avoid these topics, but in reality I'm dying to talk about them, especially with someone like Mom who I look up to as a role model and spiritual leader. Unfortunately the conversation was cut short when she suddenly realized it was time for her to leave for work. Conversations like this always end up making me think about my life a lot, and so far the only conclusion I've reached is that there are still many issues and fears in my life now that I'm afraid to deal with. I guess in a sense I've given up on dealing with them after countless failures, and I'm almost certain that I can't deal with them on my own. What I need now is a friend, like that girl, who can look beyond my weaknesses and see potential in me that I can't see in myself. I need someone to push me forward with encouragement and wisdom to help me realize who God has made me capable of becoming. I wish that I will not only overcome my current struggles, but that I will take the love shown to me and give it to others so that they too can experience such freedom.

04/27: Back from an awesome BBQ dinner at Madelyn's house. It's her dad's birthday, so his cell group (which includes my mom) decided to have a party, then I ran into Madelyn at church today and she invited me too =). We decided to be cool and marinate the beef our own special way, which was basically taking every sauce we could find and mixing them all together. And it actually worked! Speaking of BBQ's, the June 28th BBQ at my house is now officially confirmed, so make sure you save that day (Saturday evening-night) free, cuz it's definitely gonna be worth it! =)

As for my life at home, nothing much has changed since earlier this week. It's kind of that awkward stage when we all know there's definitely tension, but we're not doing anything about it. Okay fine, let me be a little more clear - I'm the one not doing anything about it, because I'm not willing to apologize until I clearly understand that I've done wrong. Sound a little familiar? It definitely feels quite a lot like my life about five months ago, and that means it really sucks. I guess you can trace this crap back to a few weeks ago when the whole car & rat incident took place, since my frustration toward what my mom said at that time simply cooled down but has not been resolved. And the ironic thing is that this Friday night I'll be going to visit UCLA again. I'm making it very clear to myself that this trip is not a means of escape from home. It was planned long before anything happened, and I'm not gonna let my own problems stop me from my commitment to my friends at school that I care so much about. I don't dislike being at home at all, it's just that I hate the feeling of knowing there's unspoken things that seriously need to be dealt with. Then again, I've already talked to God about it - like I've done a bajillion times in the past half a decade - and it really seems to be getting nowhere. I'm sick of saying sorry only to make the same mistake again and feel like I'm perfectly innocent. I'm sick of feeling schitzophrenic about whether I'm only pretending to be a good person or I actually have the potential to become truly good at heart. I'm not giving up the fight yet, since I know without doubt that God is real and He's not going to abandon me. But neither am I gonna actually get up and fight until I know it's actually worth it. So for now, I guess things are gonna stay the way they are. We'll see what happens...

04/26: Local area car-spotting update. It’s been quite a lucky week – as most of you know, I typically leave for work 5-10 minutes earlier than necessary and make a number of small parking lot detours depending on how much extra time I have. Monday – I chose the McDonalds parking lot, and caught a Flying Spur in the drive-through. Tuesday – I came out of my neighborhood exactly when a Quattroporte was passing by it so I got a pretty decent shot. Wednesday – passed by a Gallardo Spyder, but missed it =/. Friday – went to the McDonalds parking lot and found nothing, so I decided to go across the street and there was a Modena with custom rims! So I shot at that one until I was fully satisfied =).

Yesterday I got to have lunch with Rose, who I hadn’t seen in over a year. We went to the new restaurant that used to be Life Plaza. “Happy Crab”? something like that… anyways, it’s really good, and a very good deal too. Hopefully it’s not just a promotional price. We walked around Diamond Plaza for a bit afterwards and checked out all the little random stores. Do people actually buy stuff from there? Hehe…

Anyways, I’m quite out of it now cuz I stayed up til 2-ish chatting online with Kitty last night. Somehow we got into this whole discussion about the American education system and about China. At the end we both gave up in favor of sleeping, so maybe we’ll continue another day =). Anyways, time for me to shut up and go edit some pictures. Hopefully I’ll have time to post them soon!

04/24: My honest prayer to God right now-

God, tell me, what the heck is going on? I know it's stupid for me to yell at You as if I'm God, but can't You see me right now, lost in this confusion? I'm so sick of making people around me suffer because of my own flaws. And the worst thing about it is that I can't find a way to explain if I actually did something wrong or not. I feel guilty for the things that You already forgive me for, yet when it comes to things that everyone tells me I did wrong, I feel no guilt about. How is it possible that I can deeply hurt someone and not feel bad at all? Did I go up the mountain and have a close encounter with you only so I can fall right back to where I was before? You know, the whole attitude of pretending my life is always going smoothly and ignoring the trail of crap I'm leaving behind? If you have a purpose for all this, good! I still believe in You, but I don't understand why I have to go through all this. I'm clearly more selfish than everyone else around me, and after countless attempts to change that, it still doesn't seem to do anything except bounce me right back to where I started. Do I not have any love and compassion that is strong enough to influence my thoughts and actions? Must I feel like I was inevitably made to be a man without emotion? Are all my "emotions" fake, since they all seem to bring me back to my own selfishness? Let me just be honest - I'm not gonna apologize to anybody until I can figure out what I did wrong. But please, don't keep me waiting any longer. Is it too much for me to ask to simply understand what’s keeping my heart away from You? If You want me to be humble and apologize, then please, if You are willing, give me some kind of conviction or guilt trip so strong that I won't be able to concentrate on anything else until I get things cleared up. I know You have the power to do it, so please help me out. Again I know it makes no sense for me to talk to You as if I’m God and demanding You to do everything for me. But aren’t You the one that keeps on prompting me to commit my life to You? If that’s the case, then why do I feel like I’m not getting anywhere?

04/22: Finally got around to working on my schedule. There were a bunch of random activities, concerts, and church stuff I had to figure out before my weekends start getting filled up again. But here’s a quick update.

First of all, I’m really set on my decision to visit UCLA two more times before the schoolyear ends. So far the tentative dates are the end of week 5 (5/2-5/3) and the end of week 8 (5/23-5/24). The first trip should be set for sure, but the second one is likely to change as the time gets closer. Both of these trips will be focused on the dorms, since I only have about 24 hours to spend there (including sleep time), and since these are my last few chances to visit before a new schoolyear starts and everything on the Hill is off to a new start, I’m definitely gonna make the most out of every minute I have to spend there.

The other big thing is one that many people have been waiting a very long time for. Remember last year’s July 4th BBQ party? It turned out surprisingly successful, and I knew that night that such a gathering must take place again. The only problem is that I won’t exactly be in America on July 4th this year (since I’ll be in Taiwan for missions). But I’m still making every effort to let the BBQ party happen again. So far the plan is to have it on the last Saturday of June, and I just have to confirm with a few key people before setting the date for sure. It would be a good way to kick off GCCI’s usual chain of summer fun activities, and just in time before the Mission Team leaves for the next month. As usual, it’s an open invite – as long as you know me or Carol or someone else that knows us who is coming, you’re invited! And of course, the food will be amazing – ask anyone who came last year and they can testify =). Stay tuned for more details!

04/20: Lots of things that make me happy, and also lots of things that don’t make me happy. At PACT last night I finally got to talk to some people about how I’ve been feeling this past week. Thanks to all of you who encouraged me and/or prayed for me and helped me start to realize that all the crap that happened really wasn’t my fault. Sure, I still feel a bit weird about it all, but at least I really don’t consider myself “mad at God” anymore, meaning my prayers and my overall attitude is so much more genuine than it was a few days ago. As for the things that don’t make me happy, much of it revolves around the Taiwan missions trip this summer – I won’t mention names because I have no right to blame anyone, but I just feel like sometimes people can be so irresponsible and things can be so disorganized, and that makes me start to question my own commitment to this team. A part of me wants to just say “screw this trip” and drop out, but I know that would make me irresponsible on my own part. They should be ordering the plane tickets this week, which means that as long as I hang on a bit longer, I won’t be able to quit even if I want to. And besides, I’m sure that no matter how hectic things can get, in the end this trip will be an unforgettable experience.

04/19: Very awesome day. It all started last night when Gary surprised me with a phone call saying he had an extra ticket to the Long Beach Grand Prix today. Now I’m pretty sure all of you know I’m a huge car freak, but that only extends as far as street cars go, since I’ve never really followed motorsports. But one thing I knew all along was that race cars are insanely fast and loud, basically an intensified version of seeing exotics speeding around Beverly Hills. And besides, is it at all possible to say no to attending a car-related event with Gary?

For those who don’t know, Gary is a technician at Ferrari Beverly Hills, and so are Brian, Sean, and Gustavo, all of who were with us today. Also there were Bill (Gustavo’s friend) and Gladys (Sean’s girlfriend), but still for once I felt like I was in a group where I was clearly the least knowledgeable about cars. There’s only seven technicians at BH Ferrari, so now I basically know more than half their shop. Of course, they all had free tickets because Ferrari participates in the ALMS. Actually, we still had one extra ticket, but we sold it for five bucks while walking from the parking lot to the race. That’s just about enough money for half a beer…

Beer we definitely had; I knew long before I turned 21 that you simply can’t attend a racing event without beer. We also prepared earplugs that Gary Brian and I went to buy at Rite-Aid on the way there. But they didn’t seem all that necessary to me – having heard VRAlexander’s infamous Carrera GT with straight pipes tear down Rodeo Drive several times, the racecar engine noise really wasn’t all that bad, though if I attended events like this on a regular basis I would probably put those earplugs to use simply for the sake of protecting my hearing in the long run.

We watched the Champ Car qualifying race first. Then there was a drifting event, which we sadly missed almost entirely since we were too busy finding good seats and didn’t realize it only lasted like 15 minutes. Then came the ALMS race, which to me was probably the most interesting, since most of the cars actually resemble stuff I’ve seen on the streets before. For all you car freaks who, like me, has not gone to a racing event like this, it’s definitely worth checking out, even if it’s only for the speed and the noise. It’s nothing like watching cars drive around in circles on TV.

Of course, I took a few “breaks” to get some shots in a few of the local parking lots. And I also shot some good stuff on the way to/from the race. Highlights include two Audi R8’s, a Panoz Esperante, and a Porsche 997 TechArt GT Street. Trust me, if I drove there myself, I would have made sure I saved a few hours before/after the events to cruise around every corner of every street in that area. But I’m definitely content with what I got. And besides, I can’t really complain about riding in Brian’s (formerly Gary’s) heavily customized Impreza WRX.

So anyways, that was my awesome day =). Gary took me home just in time for Mom to make some yummy dumplings before I left again for PACT, which was awesome too. But I’ll save that for another entry some other time. For now, it’s getting late so I should go to sleep. When I have time, I’ll post all the pics from today on the ECPG and a huge compilation video on my ECPG YouTube account!

04/18: So let me explain a little more clearly about the previous entry, now that I'm not too consumed by frustration to think clearly. Basically what happened was that even though I had already accepted the whole car-attacked-by-rodents incident as one where no one can really be blamed (meaning if God allowed it to happen, then He must have a good reason), the little talk I had with Mom that night ended up shifting all the blame to me. So it was my fault I chose to park in a place with rats. It was my fault I even bothered to keep visiting UCLA after I graduate. Why blame me for something that no one needs to be blamed for? And besides, did it seem like I knew all this was gonna happen? I had already gotten over the big dent in my wallet, figuring I really shouldn't let money control my mood, and knowing I had no control over what happened. But once it became my own fault, I couldn't let it go. So I was an idiot for making stupid decisions that I knew nothing about, and I was an idiot for causing myself to lose so much money. If that's really the case, the I have some serious lessons to learn before my life will be any better than it is now.

I hate to admit this, but ever since that night I found myself falling right back to the old screw-God's-standards-and-do-whatever-makes-me-happy mentality. In physical form that means ruthlessly pissing off people around me that don't make me feel comfortable just so I can feel a little more proud of myself. Of course, I've done such things countless times and learned each time that apart from following God I can never find true contentment. But I guess I'm still so shallow that I always manage to convince myself that a little selfish fun won't hurt. I already know the drill - First I'll just have a little fun, then I'll start wanting more, then I'll start doing stupid things that aren't necessarily safe or legal, and my conscience will pray secretly that God will protect me even though the rest of me feels like I can protect myself, and eventually somehow my pride will shatter - whether through a horrible experience or through a simple touch from heaven - and I'll see God's forgiving and loving arms stretched out and run toward His embrace again. Right now I'm still at the stage of experimenting with a little fun, and even though I've felt my conscience calling out to God from the beginning, I'm simply not willing to get on my knees and submit to Him again yet. It's like I'm holding some kind of grudge against Him and don't plan on letting it go anytime soon. But I know deep inside that He's powerful enough to turn my heart around, and I pray that He will do so as soon as the time is right.

Now on a separate note, I feel much happier after last night, thanks to Clare who invited me to the jazz band & Jazz Cadré concert at Fullerton College. She was the one that recommended the “textbook” I’m currently using to study jazz theory, so she knew I like jazz and that I would totally love a concert like this. And she was definitely right. I guess you can consider this my first jazz concert in years – in other words, it’s my first jazz concert after having studied music theory and learned how to listen analytically. The only problem is that because I know so little jazz, most of the harmonic stuff made absolutely no sense to me. But that’s what made it fun. The performers were so good that I wanted to cry… but then again it also motivates me to practice, so hopefully someday I can be half that good. There aren’t all that many Asian jazz musicians out there, but there’s gotta be a first to everything, right? So yea, that concert was definitely inspiring, both musically and in my overall attitude right now. In times like this it really helps to attend something fun and uplifting, and it reminds me again of what an amazing effect music can have on its audience. Maybe I’ll go play a little piano now – and even attempt a little jazz! =).

04/15: When I wrote earlier that I’m down seven hundred bucks because of some stupid rat, did it sound like I was happy about it? Cuz apparently some people just don’t get it. I’ve never been too good when it comes to handling hardships, but at least I still wanted to try my best, so I just paid the money, got my car back, and was content. I convinced myself that my mood shouldn’t be influenced by money and tried to treat the situation in a concerned but slightly humorous way. I accepted the situation as God’s way of making me grow, and was perfectly fine with it. I told people about what happened, and it made me feel much better… until Mom came home at night. Apparently I was so good at sounding like I’m completely over it already that she felt like it was perfectly appropriate to start analyzing the whole situation and all the deep philosophical meanings behind it. “Maybe God is teaching you this”, “maybe God is teaching you that”… to be honest, at this point I don’t care. We all have those moments when we simply want others to understand how we feel, and the last thing we need is someone trying to play Einstein and analyze the whole darn situation. Maybe that can be a good idea when I wake up tomorrow, or a few days later when I convince my mind to focus on other things. But for now, let me just be honest – if all of Mom’s yapping about God’s will is true, I’m not willing to accept it right now. If anything, all that logic only causes me to erupt in anger, hence my decision to end our talk by forcing her to shut up. Sometimes I may appear strong spiritually because of my many encounters with God or my numerous ministry positions, but apparently all it takes is a split second to shatter my faith. I guess all this time I thought I was learning how to deal with hardships, in the end it turns out I was just holding it in and afraid to be real with myself. I still believe in God and I know I need Him, and I know this is probably one of those times when He knows me so well that it actually makes me angry. Underneath that anger I’m a little heartbroken too, since this is the first time since Retreat that I’ve felt so distant from and bitter toward God. Is there a way to deal with this situation that doesn’t involve hurting other people around me, or doing something stupid and perhaps illegal that I will later regret? Does God think that just because I had a close encounter with Him that changed my life, my old prideful and revengeful attitudes have miraculously vanished? I sure wish it was that easy, but it obviously hasn’t been the case, especially right now. And if I wake up tomorrow feeling anything like I’m feeling now, I’m quite sure my attitude ain’t gonna change either.

Most people who read this entry will probably be at least a little shocked, since I rarely write with so much complaining and frustration in mind. But this journal has always been an honest reflection of my life, and the sad truth is that my life is nowhere near perfect. It’s just as important for me to express myself honestly now as it is when I’m on a spiritual high. So there you go – this is exactly how I’m feeling now. Frustrated, angry, and bitter toward God. I’ve learned countless times that it’s useless to be angry at God when clearly He’s God and I’m not. And deep inside I know that He allowed all this crap to happen for a reason and will show me the reason through another amazing story that I’m yet to live through. Until then, I’m simply thankful that He knows my heart’s deepest desires even when I’m too consumed by my anger to get on my knees and pray, and I wish that He can constantly remind me that He hasn’t left me. It sucks to feel so distant from Him, and I pray that He can forgive me for my temporary unwillingness to submit to Him, and soften my heart so that He can continue to write this story. For now, I’m gonna go to sleep and quit thinking about this crap…

04/15: So apparently last week’s UCLA trip didn’t go as smoothly as I thought. At some point between Wednesday and Friday morning, a rodent approached my car and decided to take shelter in the warm engine bay. That same rodent also found some parts of the engine particularly fun to use for teeth-grinding. That’s why my “check engine” light turned on while I was moving my car to campus, and stayed on until today when I took it to the shop to have it checked out. Sounds a little crazy huh? I actually laughed a little when the mechanic explained what happened over the phone. And I know it's true because he found animal droppings in the engine bay (thank God there wasn't a dead rat there too!). According to the mechanics, scenarios like this happen quite frequently, so I don’t exactly have to feel like Mother Nature hates me. But suddenly losing 700 bucks over a stupid rat definitely isn’t fun. Oh well, who can I blame anyway?

04/14: Part of the reason I went to visit UCLA last week was to pick up a very important piece of paper.

04/14: Quick summary of an amazing four days at UCLA. There’s so much I want to write about that I’ve decided to use this entry only for the day-to-day summary and save all my extra thoughts for tomorrow. For those who didn’t know, I spent this past Thursday to Saturday enjoying my spring break (my students’ spring break) at UCLA. I knew all along that this was my longest visit so far, and will also remain my longest visit ever, and so I really wanted to make the most out of it. In my pocket was a mini-calendar made specially for this trip on which I wrote down my daily plans. I felt a bit silly having to use a calendar while on vacation, but it turned out to be quite necessary. My plans involved visiting a few dozen people (literally) and having to figure out a way to see them all despite their busy schedules, and I’m glad to say that I got to see almost everyone I planned to see and spend quality time with all of them. Of course, when it comes to having to plan so many things, my schedule never turns out exactly the way I expected. This has been a trip full of surprises, but looking back at it, I don’t have a single word of complaint.

So let’s begin with Wednesday. The first “surprise” came to my mind before I even got out of bed in the morning – I figured that since I was already driving all the way to LA and wouldn’t be able to access my car until Friday once I left it parked (it’s a long story), I might as well leave home an hour earlier and make a detour to Beverly Hills to shoot a few cars before I go to UCLA. So I got out of bed earlier than planned and finished packing quickly. Then came surprise #2 – Christine(Dang), who was supposed to help me complete the crucial step of moving my stuff into Hedrick when I arrived at noon, ended up getting drafted for Jury Duty. So to be honest, even as I got in the car and began the hour-long drive, I had no idea how the heck I was going to get settled down (my parking spot was in Westwood, and I wasn’t about to carry everything up to Hedrick on foot). Trinh and Diana came to help me move in instead, and Isaac had lunch with me. There was a slight miscommunication that led to a small delay in everyone’s schedules, but I guess it’s not necessarily a bad thing, since I miraculously ended up having 45 minutes to spend in Beverly Hills, during which I shot Bijan’s new Phantom DHC, a Gallardo Superleggera, and a Gallardo Nera. After Trinh and Diana helped me move in, I drove them to class/work, then parked and came back up the hill for lunch with Isaac at DeNeve. It turned out that even though it wasn’t Christine’s fault she ended up at Jury Duty, she was still nice enough to make sure I was taken care of. (Otherwise how did Trinh know I needed help moving in, and how did Isaac know I needed a lunch swipe? =) ).

As usual, the trip began with my calendar being mostly empty, since I told most people I would call them after I arrived. Having finished lunch like I would have during Fall Quarter, it was only logical that I kept following my usual routine during that time and sat at the table outside Rendezvous that I sat at almost every afternoon. To my great surprise, even right now people still call me and tell me that each time they walk by Rendezvous, it reminds them of me =). I had known all along that it would be beneficial in the long run to choose a spot and stick with it time after time, but I really didn’t think it would actually work this well. Anyways, I was soon greeted by Albert, who was surprised to see me there. Christine(Shen) came to join me next, followed by Jane. I went with Jane up to her room to chill (and eat snacks =) ) until it was time for the first event already written on my calendar prior to the trip – hanging out with Anny! I made it one of my primary goals this time to visit my friends who live in the apartments, since it would be impossible to spend quality time with so many of them on my usual 24-hour visits. After meeting up with Anny at the Bruin Bear (the default meeting place at UCLA =) ), we decided to take a random walk around Westwood. We got to the Ackerman turnaround just in time to run into Bridget and talk a little before her bus came to take her home. Anny and I went down Westwood Blvd and shopped at Aahs, then came up the dorm area to figure out dinner plans. Our timing was amazing – Kelly just happened to be walking by at that time, and agreed to swipe us in. Trinh also happened to be walking by, so I planned to eat with her group too. Yep, I eat multiple dinners in a row. I guess I haven’t changed much since graduation =). So here’s what happened – at 5:30 I ate with Anny Kelly and Lisa. A whole gang of IV people happened to be there at the same time so we all sat together. After that I went to join Ben and a bunch of GCCI’ers (Eva Chris Alex Eric Yoshi) – apparently they were all visiting UCLA too, so we all got to eat together and talk about the randomest things (fruits and mammals!?). After that, Trinh Diana Rudy Christine Harry and Antony came to eat. By the way, for those who don’t know, each time I sit down with a new group, I put my tray away and get a new one and start all over. Otherwise how can I call it “multiple dinners”? =). By the time I left Covel dining hall, it was around 9:10. So I’ve officially beaten my old record of eating dinner for 3 hours and 20 minutes =). One thing I keep forgetting is that since it’s the middle of the week, people actually had to study. But then again, I didn’t do all that much studying during Fall Quarter anyway, so it wasn’t that big of a difference. I joined Harry Christine and Trinh as they studied in the Covel rooms, and spent the time calling a bunch of people I planned on visiting while listening to an intense (and funny) debate between Christine and Trinh. So technically I’m not their only distraction =). Christine(Shen) called to go get some food at Puzzles, and after switching my identity to a Vietnamese girl named Trinh, I was able to help myself to a box of nuggets. (My identity would change several times in the next few days =) ). Christine and I had ice cream and nuggets until Puzzles closed at midnight. On my way back to Covel, I ran into Dianne and Sue, both of whom I was supposed to visit that night. Once again, perfect timing =). So we spent the next hour talking outside Covel. Also got to see Lily again for a few minutes. Antonio happened to be passing by too, and joined us in our middle-of-nowhere conversation, which lasted until I left with Christine(Dang) and Trinh to go up to Hedrick. Spent the rest of the night hanging out on 5-North, then went to sleep at Christine’s.

Thursday – I woke up to the (hilarious) sight of Christine and Marissa frantically getting ready to leave for their school/work/juryduty/whatever obligations. Trinh had an extra swipe to kill on her way down to campus at 9, so I got up to take advantage of it even though there was really nothing to do in the morning =). I didn’t want to call anyone yet, since they were probably either in class or still sleeping. So I spent the morning cruising (scootering) around campus saying hi to people I recognized. Ran into Anthony outside Royce, Tim at Schoenberg, and Jimmy at the bear, and got to catch up with them all. I also went to Murphy to pick up a cute little piece of paper which I’ll write more about in the next entry.

Lunch plans were take care of when Christine(Dang) saw me sitting outside Deneve saying hi to people. It was only 11AM and the dining halls were just about to open, but why would I reject any opportunity to hang out and eat? So we had a quick lunch at Deneve before she left for that stupid courthouse that wouldn’t release her yet. Afterwards I stayed in the dining hall and chilled for another hour or so. Jessica and Julia came and talked to me for a bit. Next stop – Rendezvous. Yup, it’s that time of the day again. This time I ended up moving away from my table to join Jeff Charles and Esther a few tables down. Went to Esther’s room with Jeff afterwards and chilled until it was time for class. Yes, class. Elizabeth had reminded me that Professor Bull’s organ class still met on Thursdays at 3, and I realized it was the perfect chance for me to stop by and visit, especially since most of the people in the class now are my fellow composition majors. Got to talk with Professor Bull for a bit, and I joined the class for an hour and a half. So for all you people that think I went to UCLA with no academic obligations, now I’ve proved you wrong =). Ran into Bryce on the way back up the hill and walked up together, then spent some more time at Rendezvous completing the remaining phone calls I had to make. (My phone was out of battery earlier, but I took advantage of the outlet behind me when I was in class =) ). Visited Tracy in Rieber afterwards, then Steph(Liu) in Hedrick. Joined Christine and Trinh for a few minutes as they ate in Rendezvous, then met with Jessi and the IV Rieber group for dinner before Catalyst. By that point everything felt just like it did Fall Quarter – eat with IV people, walk down to Catalyst together, etc… and as usual, I met with Tammy there and sat in our usual spot =). Talked with Amanda Tammy and Tina afterwards before heading back up to the dorms for more adventures.

Now this was where another surprise began, and even now I’m still in shock when I think about it. First let me rewind back to fall quarter – on Mondays and Wednesdays, I would have breakfast in Deneve and Sophia would usually join me, and on Tuesdas and Thursdays I would have breakfast in Rieber, and Bernice would usually join me. It turned out Sophia and Bernice were friends too, and not long after I graduated, they discovered that they had been eating breakfast regularly with the same guy on alternating days. (Wow, this would make a good beginning for a cheesy drama. But don’t worry, there’s nothing shady going on here =) ). Fast forward to that night – we planned to hang out after I was done with Catalyst, so we all met up in Sophia’s room. Just as we were deciding what to do, Christine(Shen) (who also knew Sophia), called me for another nugget run. So we decided to all go together. As we were eating and talking, Bernice’s phone rang, and I saw the name “Thao Bang” pop up on the screen. It’s not exactly the most common name, so I figured it must be the same Thao I know – the one I met my freshman year on the first night I arrived at UCLA! We both graduated and hadn’t talked for a while, and it turned out Bernice was heading over to her apartment, so I tagged along. They were both part of Passion Church, and there were a bunch of PC people at the apartment – 6 in all when Bernice and I arrived at the door. Let’s start with Thao’s three apartmentmates. Doris and Anita were both from IV, so we’ve known each other for a very long time too. Then there was Jessica, who I met freshman year through another friend and hadn’t talked to in so long that I probably wouldn’t even recognize her walking down the street. As for the two visitors, one was Sophie, who I met and had breakfast with once during my senior year, and the other was Caroline, who I actually never met before, but eventually found out that she went to Walnut high and was very good friends with Julia (from church)! What a tiny, tiny world. A bunch of random people I met throughout college in random places, and somehow we all end up at the same place at the same time. And since they’re all in PC, they also know Rock and Paula and a bunch of other people I know. Jason and David (from PC) came to hang out too, and Bernice and I left to walk back to Hedrick at around 1AM. We caught Rock just in time before he went to sleep and I talked with him for a while. To end such an exciting night, Bernice had decided to have Thao pick her up in Hedrick to spend the night back at the apartment, and her roommate was gone for the week, so I ended up having a room to myself in 2-South. (See? I told you this whole identity change thing doesn’t end =) ).

Friday – Sleeping at 2-3AM every night really isn’t all that smart, especially when I also make breakfast plans every morning. But of course, it’s all worth it =). Had breakfast with Julia at Deneve, then spent the morning taking care of some random business. My time at UCLA was already halfway over, and I had planned everything out so that at I could finally pick up my car from Westwood and bring it to my usual parking area (home? hehe) in Lot SV, as well as get rid of dirty clothes and replace them with the second set that was in the car. Went up to Hedrick just in time to catch Trinh and Diana, help Diana carry stuff downstairs (since she was leaving for the weekend), grab my stuff at Bernice’s room (my room? hehe), move it back up to Trinh and Diana’s room, and take the remainder of my junk back to the car. I had about an hour to kill until my next activity, so I spontaneously decided to take advantage of finally having a car again and spend that hour at the Golden Triangle again. The highlights of this trip were a 2008 Viper SRT-10 (in Venom green!!) and Maserati Granturismo. I guess it’s not as amazing as Wednesday’s short visit. But considering how desperate I was for some new shots, it was well worth it. I did end up running a bit late though, and had to fully take advantage of my scooter to meet with Bernice at Ackerman to give her back her room key, then head over to the Court of Sciences to meet Jenny for lunch. Fortunately I had a little time to clean myself up a little bit, so I didn’t have to look like a beast from running around so much. Jenny and I had lunch at the Bombshelter. I found it quite an amazing experience, since the Bombshelter was actually the first place at UCLA I ever ate at during summer orientation. And the girl at the cashier still gave me a student discount =). Anyways, Jenny and I ate and talked for a couple hours, then walked to her apartment. Then I went back up the Hill and chilled with Jared and Big for a bit. Visited Derek Bryce and Jerry next. Derek and I went across the hall to visit Andrew until he had to leave. Back in Derek’s room we watched a bunch of random but awesome YouTube Awards videos (go check them out, they’re really good!), then went down to Covel to eat with GOC. Derek kindly waited with me until someone could swipe me in, and thanks to James, the wait wasn’t all that long. Ate with Derek James Dan Angela and Steven, then walked down to GOC with Christine(Shen) and Harry. I wished I was more awake to stay focused at the meeting, but it was still great to simply gather with a bunch of fellow Bruin Christians and worship together. Got to see Evelyn afterwards and catch up a little. Walked back with Christine and we joined Sara at Puzzles. After the big GOC gang disbanded, Christine and I went inside to get some (any guesses?) nuggets, then went to Covel to eat since Puzzles was about to close. Little did we know Covel also closed at midnight, and the officer that informed us turned out to be none other than Jeff(Hayman)! I love how I still run into so many familiar people everywhere around UCLA. I wonder how long it can last… but for now, I better take advantage of it as much as I can. So Christine and I finished our nuggets at Bruin Cafe and talked until past 1AM. Antony signed me into Hedrick and we both spent the night at Trinh’s. It’s funny how people on 5-North seem to regularly have spontaneous sleepovers even though they all live on the same floor. After four years of dorming, I never saw anything like this, and I can’t help but believe that my presence during Fall Quarter as a “homeless floormate” helped break a lot of the ice to make this happen. It always makes me happy to realize that my influence doesn’t end after I left. I had just enough energy left to take a shower, then talk with Trinh until we fell asleep.

Saturday – I tend to always have trouble falling asleep when away from home, but somehow I managed to fall asleep immediately after laying down and not wake up until my alarm rang. I guess it shows how exhausted I was. But once again, I was smart (stupid?) enough to make breakfast plans – in Westwood! Met up with Victoria at Starbucks, and she chose to sit outside knowing I could put my camera to good use when nice cars passed by =). It was insanely hot, even at 9:30AM, so I treated myself to a Frapp and we talked for over an hour. Jessica came to join us for a bit too cuz she was getting lunch with Victoria. As for me, I made my way up the hill for lunch at Deneve with Antonio Paul Elizabeth Jane and Mariko. Actually, in my calendar it was simply “lunch with Antonio”, but we had enough mutual friends that the list kept on growing, and it’s always nice when enough people know each other to keep it from being awkward. (then again, is any meal with me not awkward? hehe). Unsurprisingly, I stayed in the dining hall after lunch and joined Peggy and her gang for a few minutes before they had to leave, then ran into Sana and talked for a while. Once again, my cell phone was out of battery – it shouldn’t be all that surprising, since I’ve been making/receiving about 5 times more phone calls than I usually do at home. I took care of that problem through another activity that brought back many memories of Fall Quarter – sitting by myself in the Hedrick 5-North mini-lounge. The only difference was that back then I actually had homework to do. But it’s still the same drill – people pass by the elevator and stop to say hi to me. Anna Amanda and Jerry joined me for a while, and by then my phone had enough power to last for the rest of the day. I visited Michelle(Panh) a few floors up, and she opened the door and came out to greet me, only to let the door shut behind her and lock her out. It was sad but also a bit funny =). We went down to get a new key, then chilled in her room for a while. Went with Christine to Sunset Rec afterwards to catch the end of the GOC Volleyball game, then left on a journey from the highest point of the Hill all the way down to Westwood to go to Serena’s apartment. Talked with Serena until she had to leave, then made another hike up the hill back to Hedrick. Two round trips in one day in such hot weather was not fun, but at least I remembered to carry a cup with me to fill with ice cold soda from Bruin Café on my way up =). Chilled with Trinh for a little bit, then went down to Covel for dinner with Elizabeth at 5 (her only break from practicing/rehearsing… and it’s a friggin’ Saturday!). Had a second dinner with Christine Harry Jerry and Derek, which lasted until about 7 when I was supposed to leave to drive back home. Then came the final surprise – a spontaneous trip to Jamba Juice! Derek and Christine went with me to my car, then up to Hedrick to pick up Trinh (who was too busy to join us for dinner but was apparently fine with going to Westwood) and got Jamba Juice. Why Jamba Juice? Ever since Christine and Helen came to visit Rowland Heights a few weeks ago, we had decided that during my UCLA trip I was going to try my first White Gummi Bear smoothie. But after the whole Jury Duty thing came up (no, they still didn’t let Christine go yet!! =/ ), I assumed it wasn’t gonna happen… until the very end of my trip when I decided it was worth me leaving UCLA about half an hour later than planned (PACT doesn’t always start on time anyway =) ). So I got my very first taste of White Gummi Bear, which entertained me on the drive home along with a Green Tea ice blend from Bruin Cafe (since Trinh once again had an extra swipe =) ).

As I drove back, my mind was filled with countless images of the past four days. It had been such an amazing adventure, like nothing I’ve ever had before, and probably like nothing I ever will have. I was dead tired, but it was well worth it, as this trip was far more than just hanging out with a bunch of friends. Despite such a busy schedule, I had many deep conversations with my friends, and was once again reminded of God’s great work both in my life and the lives of those around me. But all those thoughts alone could take another entry, so that’s why I’ll shut up now and write the rest tomorrow!

04/06: Just got home after an amazing weekend in San Jose and Fremont. I should be sleeping now, but I’m still going through one of those post-concert ultra-hyper moments, so I might as well get some of this stuff out of my mind first. Let’s begin with Saturday. Has it really only been less than two days? I can swear it feels like much longer, but I guess that means these past few days were very well spent. We arrived at the San Jose airport and were greeted by the hosts from Agape Renewal Church. I expected to jump straight into the whole usual routine of going to the church, saying hi to all the leaders, setting up and soundchecking, and starting the concert. But we were in for a surprise – all-you-can-eat Korean BBQ! So maybe eating such a big meal before a concert isn’t the best idea, especially for the singers, but we couldn’t reject their generosity either. So we began an amazing feast, which also turned out to be the perfect celebration for Gary’s birthday!

We lost track of time and ran a bit late, but still arrived at the church with plenty of time to soundcheck. Steph, Samuel, and I enjoyed an awesome coffee break with some of the church leaders. While most musicians nowadays seem to survive off of a daily dose of alcohol and some unhealthy (often illegal) smokable substances, for us it’s all about caffeine. I had a cup of coffee in the morning before leaving home, another half-cup at McDonalds on the way to the airport, and now a third cup. Surprisingly, I’m actually not one of those people that can’t survive without coffee. But when it comes to concert time, a little overdose won’t hurt =).

So anyways, back on stage there were plenty of technical problems to fix, and fortunately most of it was taken care of before the concert started. We had a little time beforehand to pray and prepare our hearts, and I knew then that I was focused on serving God. After a week of significant improvement in my relationship with God, I was glad to have such a great chance to serve Him. To be completely honest though, I was a bit disappointed because I expected to see a better turnout, both in terms of the number of people attending and the quality of our overall presentation. Of course, I had to keep reminding myself that as long as we our part to the best of our ability, God is already pleased, and only by His power and will can we touch people’s hearts with our music. By the time everything was back on the van and it was time to leave, I guess my only complaint was that I was insanely tired. It’s kind of like how I feel right now, except my bed is right next to me now so I have the choice to hop on it anytime (after a quick shower of course. I’m pretty sure I don’t exactly smell too good right now =/ ). But the church leaders decided to take us out for a nice late-night dinner, and of course I’m not gonna complain when there’s food. I was extremely tempted to get a boba (I mean, “Pearl Tea”!), but it wasn’t worth sacrificing my (hecka) precious sleep. So I settled for a huge plate of fried rice. Actually I wasn’t hungry (since we ate Korean BBQ until 2:30PM), but it was better to stuff myself then to go to sleep hungry later =). After dinner we were led to the house where we would spend the night, and I took a desperately-needed shower, then fell asleep almost right away.

Then I woke up, and suddenly it was Sunday (today)! We returned to Agape Renewal Church, where people from Forerunner Christian Church came to bring us to our next destination in Fremont. The concert was in the afternoon, but we got to attend their Sunday service first. I was amazed the moment I stepped into their sanctuary; the place was friggin’ huge! And the stage was probably one of the nicest I’ve seen in a church. It looked like a cross between a hotel ballroom and a Las Vegas performance stage. Yet nothing was made so obtrusive that it distracted people from focusing on God. There was something very special about this church – the overall attention to quality, including little fine details such as where Kleenex boxes are placed around the stage. And the audio system? I find it hard to not use God’s name in vein to describe His own church. But it was friggin’ amazing. Yet the people both onstage and offstage were no less focused on God than those at small humble churches of only a few dozen people, and they attributed their size and all their wealth to God who provided for them. They had a guest speaker from New Jersey, Wendy, who gave a powerful message that connected with both children and parents, followed by an altar call and a time of prayer. Trust me, when you make me get up at 7AM and sit through an hour-long talk without any coffee, it takes a heck of a good sermon to keep me from dosing off =). Through the people’s passionate response I could sense a deep fire for God burning in their hearts. They are living proof to me that when a church is truly willing to submit to God and place Him above itself, God will be faithful and pour out His endless blessings. And we felt so blessed to have the honor of serving God in such a great venue with such an amazing group of people.

Our biggest worry about this concert was the extremely limited time we had to set up everything and soundcheck. I recall a long discussion during Tuesday’s prayer/planning meeting about how we were going to come up with enough speakers to power such a large space. (We typically prefer to bring our own sound equipment, since it usually takes even more time to learn and troubleshoot foreign systems). In the end we decided to keep things simple use what we were given by the church, figuring that any system powerful enough to handle their morning service should be able to take care of our needs too. It was a big leap of faith for us, since we’ve had countless bad experiences with using equipment other than what we were familiar with. But God definitely provided for us. This was probably the most efficient set-up time we ever had, and thanks to careful planning, professional-level equipment, and an amazing sound/tech crew, a couple brief minutes of soundcheck was enough to make us feel more or less confident.

The doors were opened, and I was surprised and even a bit intimidated by the flood of people that entered. Everything happened so quickly that we didn’t have time to think about anything more than what was necessary. Suddenly we were on stage in front of 700-800 people doing our first song. As with every other tour I’ve played for, the second event is always a bit less frightening than the first, since everyone feels a bit more warmed up and comfortable being on stage together. But I knew almost undoubtedly that with so many people in the room, if I allowed myself to focus on them too much then I would surely mess up. (I try not to show it, but I still get extremely nervous every time I go on stage!). Sure, many of us (including myself) had little idiotic moments that hopefully nobody noticed. Okay fine, I tripped over a box while getting off the stage and I’m pretty sure people saw, heard, and laughed. But all in all, I really think this is one of our best presentations so far.

I still find it a bit hard to believe this, but so many things about today’s concert actually remind me of the China tour a few years ago. For those who don’t know, that trip was filled with insanely large audiences of people with hearts filled with passion for God like nothing I’ve seen in the US. Those people have nothing compared to the luxuries we have here in America, yet they were so strong in faith and were willing to give up just about anything to encounter God. I saw that same humility, freedom, and joy in the people at Forerunner today. Except this time we didn’t have to worry about out-of-tune pianos and aging equipment that could give up on us at any second. I still find myself amazed each time I close my eyes and try to frame such earthly blessings with such faithful hearts in the same picture.

This was one of those concerts that I wished could go on for much longer, since there’s so much joy in performing and feeling affirmed by people’s reactions. But I assume most people have other (better?) things to do with their time too =). Most of the people that came today were at church since the morning service, and committed several additional hours of their Sunday afternoon to join us. (I got to meet several of them after the concert, including some fellow church musicians, and I hope to get an email from them soon! =) ). After everything was loaded on the van, Uncle Samuel and Larry began the long drive back to So-Cal. Actually, they got back earlier than the rest of us! Our flight was delayed for almost an hour, so we spent a lot of time hanging out at the airport. The Starbucks next to the terminal caught our attention right away, and I had an early dinner consisting of a Java Chip Frapp and some French fries. It’s actually not that bad of a combination =). The strangest thing was that Mom spotted Wendy (the speaker from this morning) walking in a gift shop. Even though she didn’t know us, Gary and Samuel were brave enough to waltz into the store and introduce themselves, making her slightly frightened, then invite her to “have a seat and talk”. So that’s exactly what happened, except she ended up sitting and talking with all 10 of us (Dan drove up to San Jose too, so he wasn’t at the airport). She said she couldn’t stay for our concert because she had to go speak at another church, which happened to be (*drumroll*…) Agape Renewal Church in San Jose! Seriously, the world of Chinese churches is so small! If that’s not enough, her next destination happened to be Pomona, and we were all waiting for the same flight! So we had an awesome time sharing about each other’s ministries and being blessed by each other’s stories. What better way to end such an incredible trip?

I can’t say for sure how much our concerts have blessed the people who attended, but one thing I know for sure is that being in their presence this weekend has definitely been a blessing to me. And through spending so much time with other ClayMusic members I’m really starting to realize how much love there is among us. Each of us have been touched by God in a special way, and I always feel like we place others above ourselves and are willing to go out of our ways, sometimes to extreme levels, to help each other and benefit our ministry as a whole. Honestly, I’m not sure whether or not I can include myself with that description. But even if I can’t, I know that I’ve been inspired by the love I saw around me this weekend and desire to truly be as soft as a piece of clay in the potter’s hands.

God, thank You for giving me the opportunity to serve You and Your people this weekend. Bless the churches and individuals that kindly hosted us and took care of all our needs. Please seal the work You have done in people’s lives through us, whether they heard of You for the first time or have been Christians all their lives. Let us remember the things we’ve learned this weekend, so that we can grow and serve You even more effectively. Expand our hearts for Your kingdom, and let Your will continue to be done in our lives and our ministry.

04/03: Time is passing by much faster than I expected... by this time next week I should already be at UCLA for my third visit! So here's the plan so far - I should be arriving at UCLA next Wednesday (week 2) at around lunchtime, and from then on I'll be free to roam around and visit whoever wants me to visit. I'll be attending IV on Thursday night and GOC on Friday night. Thursday/Friday dinner is tentatively reserved for the two fellowship groups, but that may change depending on how things turn out once I'm there. A Beverly Hills trip on Friday afternoon is possible too, but that will only happen if I have enough time to visit everybody first. Unfortunately I won't be able to give people rides anywhere, since part of the deal behind this trip is that I won't have access to my car for the majority of my time there. But I do plan to visit people both in the dorms and in the apartments, since I have plenty of time to spend this time. I'll be staying at UCLA until Saturday after dinner (around 7PM). This will be my longest UCLA visit ever, and it's only possible because I'm on Spring Break with my students next week. Ideally I want to visit three times this quarter before everybody leaves for summer, but any trip after this one will almost definitely be restricted to the usual Friday-Saturday duration. Since this trip is such a special opportunity, I really want to make the most out of it. Who knows, maybe I'll even sit through another random MIMG lecture one morning...

04/02: I had to go teach piano tonight in La Canada (almost an hour away), and got a call from Hannah just as I was getting back in the car to drive home. So we decided that since she lives in Pasadena and its on my way home, and we rarely get a chance to hang out, tonight was a good chance to meet up. So we made a spontaneous trip to Starbucks and chilled there for a couple hours. That explains why tonight is another one of those nights when I'm still awake past 1AM in fear of not being able to fall asleep due to caffeine overdose. Okay fine, all I had at Starbucks was a green tea with some honey. But still, who knows what it can do to me. Thanks to people online who are still up this late talking to me, I'm still wide awake right now. It's been a while since I chatted online, since my home Internet has been extremely unstable (if working at all) this past week. And I've been coming home quite late so I didn't have much time to call people either. All I really wanted to do was give people a heads up on next week's UCLA trip. I'll write an entry on that sometime tomorrow. But I just wanted to start planning ahead, since I'm out this whole weekend. For those who don't know, ClayMusic is going to San Jose and Fremont on Saturday and Sunday. If you happen to be around those areas, then I hope to see you there! =). Okay, I'm gonna shut up and go back to chatting now.

03/30: It’s been a few weeks since I last wrote one of these reflection-based SNU’s. I want to say that it’s because I didn’t really have anything to reflect on, but entries like this are supposed to be completely honest, and the truth is that even though I had plenty to reflect on, I simply didn’t want to think about it.

Going to cell and church this weekend definitely wasn’t easy. Normally when Saturday night comes, I begin my weekly “Christian” activities either with eagerness to see the great things God is about to do or with the joyful anticipation of knowing I’m about to find strength through community to live my life and fight my struggles. But trust is one of those things that is very hard to rebuild once it’s broken, and after being hurt by not having my expectations met, I approached the community with an attitude of nothing more than neutrality. The truth is that I still love (and need) my brothers and sisters in this community. But having grown and climbed so high together in these past few months, it breaks my heart that we are now slowly falling together, and that nobody really seems to care. Or maybe everyone else is doing just fine, so fine that they don’t realize I’m falling. Recently, my attempts at connecting with the community through fellowship, worship, and authenticity has only resulted in countless complaints that overshadowed the positive things, and I found it harder and harder to keep the anger inside me from exploding.

Speaking of exploding, I must confess that I definitely haven’t been anywhere close to perfect when ti comes to anger management. Whether in my overall attitude or in the way I interact with the people around me. In fact, just in this past day alone I’ve done countless things to hurt people around me. I didn’t treat people at church the way I should have because I was too consumed by the bad experiences I came to associate with some of them. During the rehearsals for this summer’s Taiwan mission trip and the Claymusic tour this coming weekend, my heart wasn’t able to focus on God. At home, my family often saw the side of me that I thought would be gone forever after Retreat. And of course, my attitude while I was on the road wasn’t anywhere close to what a Christian should have. Yes, I did feel a bit guilty each time I let myself explode. But every time it happened, I let the guilt weigh me down, and slowly I fell until I was extremely far away from God.

On Friday night, I was able to look back at the past week and see a glimmer of hope through the joy that resulted from spending so much time with my friends. But shortly after that I gave up the hope and let my pride take control. Fast forward several temper explosions, countless moments that I lived as if God didn’t exist, and some heartless attempts to enjoy my weekly “Christian” activities, and I was back at home on Sunday night after a big dinner at T.G.I. Friday’s to celebrate Carol’s birthday. I headed straight to my room and sat down in front of the computer. I felt a slight tug on my heart reminding me of what’s supposed to happen at home every Sunday night, but after two weeks of living without it, I didn’t feel burdened to bring up the idea. “Could this be the end of such an amazing period of time in my family?”, I thought. Then I began to question God once again about why He let all these great things happen to us if they can’t even last longer than a few months.

It was then that Mom appeared at my door and said the words my conscience wanted to hear. Because it was already quite late and we were all very tired, we decided to simply spend a little time together to share and pray for each other. When my turn came, I wasn’t sure how to begin, but I knew that I had no choice but to be completely honest. I admitted the ways I’ve been hurt by them, though not in a critical way. I then spoke of how I became distant from God and asked for prayer to recommit myself to Him. And that’s exactly what we prayed for.

As far as I could remember, it had been almost a month since the last time someone actually prayed for me out loud in front of me. And it turns out the people who broke this awful tradition were the very people that I’ve always wanted to be closest with. Of course, a prayer doesn’t always miraculously make things perfect right away, and it’s not going to be easy for me to learn once again to focus my thoughts on God.

Every Spring Break, it seemed like there was an important lesson for me to learn. And this one was no exception. Through these past few weeks, and especially this past week, I’ve learned that apart from God there is no peace. No matter how hard I try to please myself, in the end I’m still empty. No matter how many friends I surround myself with or how many ways I can satisfy my pride by proving myself to be better than others, I still end up longing for more. It’s been a long time since I felt as strong and motivated as I do now, and no matter what this coming week has in store for me, I know for sure that I now have a desire to keep moving forward. God, thank You for not abandoning me even when I chose to live my life without You. Thank You for letting me run back to Your embrace and be forgiven and freed once again. Please help me to remain motivated and don’t let the world around me distract me from focusing on You. Be my only source of strength, and teach me to live my life by Your standards once again.

03/28: The end of an incredible schoolweek/workweek. Even though there's still the weekend left, most of my remaining plans for the week are work-related, so I guess in a sense my first "Spring Break" ends here. This week was by no means perfect, mostly because I still feel extremely weak spiritually. I don't think I ever really recovered from the pain I experienced a few weekends ago that resulted in a sudden decline in my relationship with God and my willingness to submit to Him. I guess now things are a little more under control, but I still face many things in my life with an attitude of pure discontent, just like I did before Winter Retreat. I can write this entire entry on my complaints alone, but it really isn't my point. Looking back at this past week, I see so much love around me that it's really hard not to be happy. Even though most of this love was simply in the form of hanging out and having fun with friends, I think sometimes this is exactly what I need so that I can get my mind off all my problems and simply relax. By not letting my frustration be the center of my life, I've already taken a big step closer to God.

So let's begin where I left off in the last entry. On Wednesday I spent the morning/afternoon hanging out with Ally and Esther. Went to pick up Ally first, then went to Esther's house and made ramen for lunch (sadly no chips this time! hehe), and watched Hitch while eating. Harry (my cousin) came to visit from Taiwan, so we had a huge family Korean Tofu dinner. Ran into Clare Belle and their mom at the restaurant too. And it's funny cuz I saw them the following night too when I went to tutor Belle. Today - Christine and Helen came to visit me =). We had an awesome dinner at Garden Cafe, followed by boba at Quickly's. Yes, my THIRD time there this week =). Don't worry, we didn't go shop at Life afterwards hehe. Instead we got boba and talked in the car (a nice change from the usual sit-in-the-store-and-talk-while-drinking-boba routine) until we picked our next destination - the mall! It was almost 10PM, so unfortunately all the stores were closed =/. (But I guess that's a good thing, cuz then if Christine and Helen really want to go to Papaya then they have to come visit me again! =) ). We sat outside AMC20 and talked until they decided to leave before it gets too late (even though Christine probably won't sleep until about 6AM anyways...).

So yea, now I'm back in my room writing this thing before going to sleep. And yes, part of the reason I'm still up past midnight is that I'm still under the influence of boba. But this is nothing compared to last week =). Anyways, this is one of those moments when, despite knowing I have plenty of problems to deal with, I can look back and know for sure that I've had a great time, and that my worries aren't weighing me down right now. I'm extremely thankful that God has sent so many people this week who allow me to be a part of their Spring Break. Even though holiday times have always been extremely busy for me, my schedule is rarely as packed as it was these past few days (don't forget I'm still tutoring/teaching for several hours each day, and every morning that wasn't spent hanging out was spent at Uncle Samuel's studio). I apologize to the people who called me only to find out that my entire week is already filled up. I ask people to make plans early because during times like this it's really the only way for everything to work out. It's okay, there's always summer =).

I've always been quite fascinated by how much a person can be affected by his/her mood. This is one of those times when my mood tells me that I'm a lot happier than I thought I could be, and I want to cherish this moment as much as I can. I guess you can consider me a little shallow-minded to let the people around me determine my mood. But I'm sure we all go through times like this when we need something/someone to cheer us up, and no matter what it is, the fact is it actually worked. And I know this for sure because I feel a strong urge to turn on my keyboard after writing this entry and playing a few worship songs to tell God I'm thankful. It's been a long time since I've done this, and as much as I miss being so intimate with Him, a part of me doesn't want me to go back. It takes a major shift in attitude for me to reach this stage, and I'm glad I can be here now feeling so thankful and blessed. It's time for another weekend consisting of going to PACT and church, and I'm really not sure how to feel, because I don't want to be hurt again. But I pray that I can be humble and simply believe that He allows everything to happen for a reason, and that my role in this community right now is simply to trust in God and live a life of love to bless others as He calls me to.

03/24: Current energy level: 5 bpw (bobas per week). Somehow I've managed to break my previous record (4.5 bpw), which was way back sometime in high school. I don't even remember exactly where that .5 cup of boba came from. But I only count tea drinks (milk tea, Thai tea, etc), which means if you want to include the Lychee Slush I got last Tuesday while hanging out with Jessica, then that would make it SIX bobas per week. Count it however you like to. Either way, I had a milk tea that day too =).

So anyways, here's a quick run-through of these past few days. The last entry ended with me being under influence of Thai tea (yes, with boba) from Banana Bay on Friday night. Fortunately, I actually managed to fall asleep, even though I still allowed myself to remain in bed until around 11AM since I knew it was going to be a busy day. Went to rehearse at Steph's house for her songs first, then came home and packed my stuff (keyboard, etc) and went to church to rehearse with Christina and the worship band. Special thanks to Juliann, there was an extra cup of boba left over, and I volunteered to take it.

Coffeehouse was definitely awesome. Basically it's just a combination of great performances and great people. I found myself wandering back and forth between listening to the music and talking in the hallway, and ended up with a good share of both. For those who are interested, the next Coffeehouse will be sometime in June. This time it will be a fundraiser for the Taiwan mission trip, which means if you go you're actually doing me a favor =).

Anyways, moving on to Sunday. Went to church, came home, and realized how ridiculously hot it was. Some cold drinks and ice cream took care of the problem temporarily, and after getting a jumbo root beer from Jack-in-the-Box for dinner, I had nothing else to complain about. The big surprise came at around 10PM when Cinda called and told me she and Tida were in Rowland Heights. And since they live so far away, I couldn't resist the offer to hang out with them. Okay fine, I do miss them too =). We met up at Hong Kong Plaza and realized that most places were already closed, and ended up going across the street to Quickly's for some (*drumroll...*) boba. We were literally the last customers - they waited a few extra minutes just so we could get our orders in. And no, I normally don't drink boba this late at night. But since I didn't have to wake up early this morning, I didn't think it was a problem. In fact, after Quickly's closed Cinda Tida and I went to Life Plaza (or what's left of it... did you know the food part closed!?) to admire the little Asian goodies at the store. Then we came back to my house to chill until like... 2AM? Something like that. I was insanely tired, but it was worth it =). It's quite rare these days for people to come visit me, not to mention sitting around and talking for a few hours so late at night.

Ever since I left UCLA I almost never sleep later than 2AM, which means that by then my body is so tired that no boba can stop me from sleeping. But today the fun didn't end. I met up with Sue at Life Plaza (again!) for lunch, but since they're closed we went to Red Ant Cafe instead. Interesting name for a restaurant, but it's actually pretty good. Afterwards we went to (any guesses?) Quickly's to get some (you tell me!) boba! Oh and we walked around the Life Plaza store too. I wonder of the people who worked there and at QUickly's recognized me from last night. But I'm pretty sure there are many Asians who go to those places on a regular basis. Fast forward to dinner - a hot bowl of Ramen at Foo Foo Tien (how to spell!?) with Ken and Steph(Lin). It's been a while since I got to hang out with either of them (Ken's definitely around the area, but we have to accept the fact that life after graduation consists of much more than just going out to eat all the time =/). But that's what Spring Break is for!

Yes, I do consider this my "Spring Break". In fact, after talking on the phone with Judy earlier tonight I realized that I actually have two "Spring Breaks". This week is a break simply because almost all the UC's are on break, so everybody is back at home and eager to hang out. I've already made plans for almost every day this week, with just enough time for a few more spontaneous things (namely people that I know will call me for hanging out or for teaching/tutoring stuff but never seem to understand why I always tell them to notify me early). Even though I'm still committed to my daily two hours of tutoring, it doesn't really hit me that I'm going to work until the moment I'm about to leave home, since there's so many things to do this week both before and after teaching. It's an awesome feeling to be able to commit to both my work and having fun at the same time. I guess the only downside to that is me being extremely tired. But for special times like this it's not a big deal =). My second "break" will be in a few weeks when my students are also on Spring Break, meaning I have a week to relax. Some of you already know where I'll be spending most of that week, and those who it applies to but don't know about it yet will be informed soon =).

I guess tomorrow's the only day so far that I've made absolutely no plans for except the usual teaching routine. I definitely appreciate a little time to spend at home, catch up on sleep, and maybe even clean my room a little more. (Yes, I feel motivated to work on my room more every time people come and visit =) ). Speaking of catching up on sleep, I think this entry's about done at this point, so I'm gonna go hop in bed and rest! Goodnight!

03/21: Friday night, 12:30 in the morning. Usually I'm sleeping by now, and tonight I actually planned to be in bed an hour ago... but that obviously didn't happen. Mom is in St. Louis right now for the ClayMusic tour, so I'm in charge of taking Carol to/from school and making sure we have food to eat. And with the Coffeehouse tomorrow night, I better make sure I don't go on stage looking like I haven't slept in months. Maybe I'll go back to sleep after taking Carol to her track meet tomorrow morning.

So anyways, the only reason I'm still awake right now is cuz I'm still under the influence of a huge cup of Thai Iced Tea that I had at Banana Bay earlier tonight. After the Good Friday service, half of us went to the Grunion Run and the rest of us went to get food. Yea, apparently there's a Grunion Run tonight. Except I figured it's not really a good idea for me to stay out too late for the same reasons mentioned above. And besides, we all know that I'm a grunion repellant, so it might be good for me to sacrifice myself to let everyone else actually catch something =). So I stuck around church hanging out with people, until eventually we all decided to go to Banana Bay for some food.

My table (Andrew Andrew (there's two!) Eric Chun Clara Grace and Kevin) played "10 fingers" ("5 fingers"?) and realized how sheltered most of us are. I didn't order food because I already had dinner, and also because I already had two big bowls of Thai fried rice in this past week. But I felt weird not ordering anything, and I fell into temptation after seeing the drinks menu. So that explains why I drank so much tea late at night. I hate the feeling of lying in bed and not being able to fall asleep; it just feels like such a waste of time. So instead I chose to stay up and chat online and write this entry to let the caffeine die down a little first. Hopefully by now I'll be able to sleep. Maybe I should give it a try.

But one last thing before I shut up - as far as I know, most people are now done with finals, and it's finally Spring Break! So for those Bruins/Anteaters/Anybody else who came home for break, give me a call and let's hang out! And for those at UCLA that live too far away, don't worry - I'll be visiting again soon! More details on that next time =). For now, I'll shut up and (hopefully) get some sleep. Wish me luck...

03/20: Mid-week update. It’s been quite a rollercoaster ride so far considering how weekdays really don’t give me many surprises these days. Yes, I’m still feeling pretty down after the weekend, and I confess to having settled for living my own self-centered life several times in these past few days simply because I didn’t feel motivated to fight anymore. But I know God hasn’t given up on me, and that’s why I’m not giving up either.

Working at Uncle Samuel’s studio has made almost every morning extremely eventful. After several attempts at fixing the malfunctioning controller on our own, we finally decided to take it to the shop. That didn’t prevent the studio from running though. In fact, on Tuesday Uncle Samuel surprised me by letting me run a recording session while he went to run a few errands. I was insanely scared, but it’s through times like this that I really learn to get out of my comfort zone and do what I didn’t think was possible before. Sure, the computer crashed a couple times (it wasn’t my fault, I promise!), but at the end everything was completed successfully. Yesterday morning we went to pick up the fixed controller and put it back in its place in the studio. After everything was done, we concluded this week’s work with a relaxing lunch at In-N-Out.

The most unexpected event this week was an awesome dinner at Coconut Bay with Jessica on Tuesday night. The surprise isn’t that we got to hang out, but that God actually granted me permission to go. As some of you know, ever since “Winter Break” ended I didn’t get to hang out with my friends at all except before/after previously planned gatherings (church, rehearsals, etc.). While at least half a dozen people have told me they wanted to meet up, none of them called me back like they said they would, and I eventually accepted this “isolation” as a discipline from God. I knew that God wanted me to stop using my friends to make me happy and to fulfill my own needs, but to turn to Him instead so that His love may overflow from my life into the lives of those around me. And by having my social life confined almost entirely to my family and my church, I’ve really learned to treat people with a new attitude.

To be honest, even as I was driving down Jessica’s street before arriving at her house, a part of me was still skeptical. I wasn’t at all questioning her commitment to her words, but I was simply afraid to get my hopes up, choosing rather to wait for God to carry out His plan. I called her to make sure we were still sticking to our plans, then pulled over and spent some time talking with God in the car. This was probably the first time I found myself so overjoyed and even a little teary-eyed at the realization that I was about to have dinner with a friend. After having not seen Jessica since the end of summer (she was in Japan), we had plenty to catch up on. And now that we’ve both graduated from college, we also have plenty of new things to start worrying about. After dinner, we returned to Walnut for some boba and continued talking until the store was closing. We updated each other with what’s been going on in our lives in the past half a year, and also shared many memories of our years at UCLA. Every time I look back and see how much I’ve grown, I find it hard to hide the joy of having been through so many crazy journeys. And each time I think about my life like this, I always arrive at the same conclusion - God really is amazing. Even though a part of me doesn’t want to admit it, deep inside I still know it’s true.

So in a sense, I’m overjoyed right now. But one thing I learned from this ten-week isolation period is that I shouldn’t let the people around me determine my overall attitude toward my life. I’ve been so used to looking forward to hanging out with friends over the years that it’s hard not to feel happy after a night like this. But I must not forget that deep inside I’m still struggling. I’m still having trouble forgiving the people who hurt me, and I’m still having trouble believing that God won’t allow me to be tempted beyond what I can bear. I hate to put it this way, but there’s so much frustration in my heart that a part of me really doesn’t want to humble myself before God and let Him take control anymore. I definitely need something along the lines of another mountain-high experience to keep me moving forward. Perhaps it can be found in a divine encounter with God like the one I had over Winter Break, or perhaps it can be found in a simple conversation with a friend about what He is doing in our lives. Whatever it is, God knows my needs better than I know them myself, and there’s really no good reason for me to not trust Him. One thing I wish I can do right now is cry – exactly the way I did at the end of last year when I was so sensitive to God’s presence. Those tears were the result of a combination of fear, love, sorrow, and freedom, all from the realization of God’s glory. Those tears taught me to love God, love people, and be set free from the bottom of my heart. I really miss that freedom, and I wish I can continue to show that pure and selfless love to the people around me. But it’s only getting harder as the weeks pass by. God, if this is Your way to help me grow, then let it be. But if You are willing, may You help me to re-experience the power of the Cross this weekend as I go to church for the Good Friday and Easter services. May You reveal Yourself to me once again, and teach me to fall on my knees and offer You my life like I once did. I still love You and I still need You, and I pray that You will help me realize that You haven’t abandoned me.

03/17: Can it be true? Is this ten-week "divine discipline" finally coming to an end? I wish I can say yes without any doubt, but the truth is I've been hurt so many times that I simply can't do so. But ever since I accepted this strange lifestyle of isolation as a discipline that is part of God's plan, I stopped complaining about it. I still find the situation quite strange, but it doesn't bother me anymore. Of course, I know it's not going to last forever, especially now that most people who are in school are getting ready for Spring Break, so I expect to get a few phone calls in these coming weeks. But for now, I'm still keeping an open heart; God only knows what will happen tomorrow, and if, after ten whole weeks, it's finally time for me to break out of my shell and see the world, then let it be. But if it turns out to be another disappointment, then let the discipline continue. It's gone on for so long already, and I want to let nothing break it other than God's own will.

03/16: It's about 8PM Sunday night, and for some reason I'm actually in front of my computer. This is the first Sunday night this year that consists entirely of free time, and that's not a good thing. I'm not sure how to explain the way I feel right now, but it's something along the lines of really lonely and distant from God. The Bible Study that's supposed to be happening right now obviously isn't, and even though I guess it's for a good cause, the way it all happened just makes me really indignant. I'm not saying I'm necessarily right for feeling this way, but it just hurts so much to be let down by someone you love and trust so much.

Maybe this is one of those times when God wants to teach me to trust Him even when it seems like nobody else around me does. And as a Christian who lives in a Christian family and attends church and small group on a weekly basis, it breaks my heart to have to put it that way. The places that I turn to for strengthening my faith seem to be the very places that hurt me. Maybe I'm just not very good at showing people when I'm in need. I'm sick of blaming the church for everything, and I've learned to question my own attitudes and motives before judging others. But is it really too much to ask for a friend or two who can look past my outside flaws? Is it too much to enter into a time of sharing and expect to receive a little prayer for the things I shared about? Is it too much to expect God to help me connect with people that can help me grow closer to Him? I've always thought that was His will, but if He has something different in mind, then let it be. After all, He's God and I'm not.

I wrote this entry a few sentences at a time as the night progressed, and now it's about time for me to get on my knees and pray for myself, my family, my friends, and my church before going to bed. I hate to put it this way, but if I can have things my way, I will skip all the God-related stuff and go straight to sleep. After experiencing how amazing it to have intimacy with God, it's almost impossible for me to pray when I feel so distant from the one I'm praying to. I know He's still here with me, and I know He'll still hear my prayers. But I really wish there's a way for these prayers to be genuine. Right now all I can think of are frustrations from these past few days and worries about this coming week. Even after weekends when I feel most strengthened by my God through my Christian communities, I still find myself struggling to keep fighting as the week progresses. How, then, can I expect myself to fight when the time that was supposed to make me stronger actually made me so weak? God, I know nothing is impossible with You, and I know You want me to trust You even in difficult times like this. But please, if You are willing, allow me to run to Your embrace and remember Your love once again.

03/15: The weather is once again going through one of those can’t-make-up-its-mind moments; when I had lunch at Coconut Bay with Christina Wilson Ben and Marcus, it was completely sunny. Then after lunch on my way to work, I felt a drop of liquid land on my head, and I’m pretty sure it was rain (if not, I better go take a shower as soon as possible…). Then on my way home after teaching, it’s sunny again! And now it’s just kind of floating in the middle. The forecast says it’s going to rain today and tomorrow, and I really don’t doubt it, since Mother Nature seems to have an obsession with raining on weekends this year. I definitely appreciate her offer to water everything in the backyard for me, and I can definitely use a break from all the spring-related allergies that drive me crazy every year around this time. But I’ll definitely miss the sunshine, even for just a few days. And here’s why…

Remember when I mentioned a while back that good weather brings out good cars? Well now it’s the time of the year when the lucky gazillionaires start to play with their toys in preparation for the summer. This past week has been quite amazing, especially considering that I remained no more than 15 minutes away from home the whole time. I’ll let the pictures do the talking for me-

03/14: Ever since the beginning of this week I’ve been getting phone calls from someone with an “unknown” (private) number. The problem is that as most of you know, I don’t pick up my cell phone at work and often leave it upstairs in my room while I’m eating. Now before you start throwing a bunch of questions like “what if it’s an emergency?” at me, first ask yourself honestly if you keep your phone on you at all times because of potential emergencies or because you can’t get over your own fear of being disconnected from your phone book. People survived hundreds of years just fine without cell phones, and we can too. Anyways, sorry for the digression. Back to the mystery caller (who, by the way, is calling me as I write this. I’m not even joking). So I’ve been getting at least one call from him/her/it every day, and it’s almost always at this time of the day, which, by the way, is when I’m teaching, which means I’m not gonna pick up the phone (unless I know it’s important). I’m only writing now because the students are doing their work quietly and I need to kill time. But still, it would be kind of rude to get paid for talking on the phone, right? This is probably about the seventh or eighth call I got from this mysterious person, including three calls yesterday – one when I was teaching in the afternoon, one when I was eating dinner (I ran upstairs and missed it by less than one second), and one when I was teaching again at night. All these calls make it likely that either the person is really desperate to talk to me or it’s actually something important.

Don’t get me wrong, even though I don’t keep my phone on me all the time, I do try to call people back as soon as I can – that is, assuming I know who to call back. The first several times I got these “unknown” calls, I felt kind of bad for not being able to call back. Then after a few more missed calls it simply became annoying. And now it’s past that stage and I actually think it’s rather funny. First of all, I’m pretty sure it’s common in this country for people to have the same work hours five days a week. So when you call someone at the same time every day and they never pick up the phone, wouldn’t it kind of make sense that maybe they can’t talk at that time? Of course, they can always call back, which brings me to my next point. Whatever the reason for these calls, I think this mysterious human being needs to be exposed to a handy little piece of technology called Voicemail. Is it really that difficult? If you call me eight times in a span of five days, then I’m pretty sure you really want/need to talk to me. So if that’s the case, then how about letting me know who you are? At the rate things are going, I wouldn’t be surprised if this case remains a mystery for another whole week.

Of course, all this is based on the assumption that I actually know the person. Trust me, I’ve received some pretty weird calls before. In fact, yesterday I received the fourth call from someone who has my number saved on his phone under someone else’s name (even though I never actually gave him my number to begin with). I think I actually know him, but I’ll keep his name anonymous, since the purpose of this entry isn’t to insult anyone personally. (But next time he calls me and asks if I’m “Josh”, I’m going to trick him into having a full conversation with me thinking I’m actually Josh). Anyways, back to the “unknown” guy/girl/whatever. The only logical reason I can think of for someone to call me eight times and intentionally not leave me Voicemail is that the person is a stalker. In fact, each time the phone rings when I’m teaching, I say to the kids “hey, the stalker’s calling me again”, and they know exactly what I’m talking about. I really hope that’s not the case, but who knows…

So since I actually consider this situation funny now, I really don’t care anymore if I can call back or not. But I’ve also decided that I’m not going to pick up any “unknown” calls until I first find out who the caller is (I assume it’s the same person). It's gonna be quite fun to see exactly how long this can last. Who knows, maybe there’s a one in a gazillion chance that the person might actually stumble across this entry. If it’s you, don’t worry. I’m not going to give you a big long lecture about why it took so long to reach me, and I’m not going to post your name here so everyone will know who you are. Whoever you are, don’t let this prevent us from actually being able to talk as soon as all this stuff is figured out. But please, go do yourself a favor and look up “Voicemail” on www.wikipedia.org. Maybe it will change your life.

03/13: Now that ClayMusic is back from Taiwan and the team has pretty much recovered from jetlag, my work at Uncle Samuel's studio has also resumed. Yesterday was my first day back, and after a few hours of working on the project we started a long time ago, the day ended rather tragically with two fuses blowing out inside the big several-thousand-dollar controller board. Fortunately, Uncle Samuel is quite handy when it comes to engineering stuff, so we took apart the big command center and figured out the problem in no time. This morning I went to help him move the machine back into the proper location and connect the million plugs and cables. Amazingly, everything was back in working order, even though the controller did go a little crazy when we first turned it on.

This experience definitely reminded me of something important - studio work is the combination of two seemingly opposite worlds, music and engineering. That's why it's so hard to find a truly skilled audio engineer - there aren't all that many people in this world today that are devoted to nurturing their musical talents and also have the time to study engineering extensively. I've definitely had a nice share of musical training at UCLA, but it's impossible for me to forget the journey that got me there. Several times I've been asked "how the [insert expletive here] where you ever an engineer!?" by people who haven't known me for all that long, and normally I just respond with a smile. But I must admit that despite my failed attempts at successfully completing even a single quarter in college as an engineer, I don't exactly hate the subject.

When Uncle Samuel unscrewed the back of the big fader-controller-whateveryouwannacallit, I saw one of those green boards with a bunch of little metal things sticking out of it. I think it's called a circuit board, but I'm really not too sure. Either way, I learned a lot from watching Uncle Samuel pluck out the blown fuses and replace a bunch of little parts before putting everything back together. Now I'm actually able to name a couple of the parts and (briefly) explain what they do!

Anyways, the point of all this is that if these are the skills required to be a good audio engineer, then I have quite a long way to go. But right now I'm simply learning for the knowledge and the experience, regardless of whether or not it will lead to future career possibilities. And all I can say is that I'm extremely blessed to have this amazing opportunity to get hands-on experience at a studio. Some people know that I applied for a potential internship at Fox Studios, and was a bit disappointed that I didn't hear back from them, since my chances of getting in were quite high. But the truth is that despite it being such a well-known studio, my daily tasks would mostly involve slave labor simply so I can say that I've been in a professional studio environment. Yes, it sucks that I miss out on all the potential connections and relationships that I can build there. But if God didn't open the door, then surely it wasn't meant to be. Meanwhile at my current internship I pretty much get to be the real engineer, learning how to operate all the little gadgets. And now I even get to see what's inside these big machines and be exposed to the work it takes to set up everything. Who would have guessed that God was going to lead me to an engineering internship? For those who think being Christian is boring, let me tell you in all honesty that if we're truly willing to let God take control, our lives are constantly filled with exciting new stories, each with its own twists and turns that are far beyond our control. And with God taking care of us, why do we have to insist on taking control? God never ceases to surprise me, and I can't wait to see the great things He will continue to do in my life.

03/08: It feels weird losing an hour of my life, and a part of me actually wants to get it back. Then again, I really shouldn't be complaining, since we already scored an extra day in February this year. But if I can somehow get an extra hour of time, I'd probably spend it on sleep. It's been an insanely busy weekend, mostly revolving around music in one way or another. In fact, starting Friday night I had a total of four rehearsals aside from my usual teaching and church commitments. Even though I'm very tired I definitely had a lot of fun, knowing this is the kind of stuff I should expect to be doing as a music graduate. Besides, each rehearsal was for a very good cause.

Two of the rehearsals were for performances at the upcoming Coffeehouse on March 22. It's sad how almost every time there's a Coffeehouse I'm always busy either with other concerts or with previously made plans. But now that I'm playing in this one, I'll make sure I show up. I often feel a bit irritated when rehearsals are not well organized or scheduled, but I always find it hard to remain in a bad mood while connecting with my brothers and sisters through making music together, especially when the purpose of the music is to glorify God. And since God has given me this precious ability to make music, I really have no right to complain. After all, events like this Coffeehouse are places where musicians should feel perfectly at home.

Another rehearsal, the one on Friday night, was for Joanne and Alex’s wedding on Saturday. I always tend to get a bit more nervous than usual playing at weddings, since I don’t want to mess up such a special moment in a couple’s life. But it’s definitely an honor to be able to help set the mood for a ceremony filled with love and joy, especially for someone that I grew up with.

I tend to always cry a little during weddings; even though I’ve never experienced this degree of love before, there’s something about this whole idea of loving someone enough to want to spend a lifetime together that overwhelms me. Almost every wedding I’ve been to in these past several years has been for people in the Chinese congregation at church, so sometimes I don’t feel like I know them all that well. But I’ve known Joanne and her family for almost as long as I can remember, so in a way this wedding feels much more personal. As I enjoyed the fancy banquet at one of several tables with people from the English congregation, I couldn’t help but realize one thing – we’re all growing up, and it’s happening very fast. Among us were several couples who are engaged, and also several who seem to be headed that way in the near future. God only knows how many more of us will reach that stage of our lives in these next few years. For now, I simply feel blessed to be a part of this community where many of us have grown up together and have gone through countless ups and down in our own lives and in our relationships with one another and will always be there for one another as we continue to grow and mature together. May God bless every one of us as we continue to seek His plan in all areas of our lives, and may He especially bless Joanne and Alex so that their new life together will continue to bring Him glory.

The last of the four rehearsals was, in a sense, the least expected one, since I didn’t officially decide to be part of it until earlier today right when it was about to begin. Yes, I’ve decided to go to Taiwan this summer. For those who don’t know, my church is organizing a three-week mission trip to Taiwan in July that will consist mostly of musical performances similar to the Coffeehouses we do at church. I’ve known about this trip for a long time, but I’m the kind of person that seldom responds to mass invitations, so I never really thought about being a part of it. When asked about it, my reasons for hesitating ranged everywhere from not wanting to miss potential job opportunities in the summer to simply not wanting to be away from home for so long. I began to seriously consider going when Marcus (who is in charge of this trip) came to me after church last week and told me he specifically feels that I should be a part of this team. I told him I would think and pray about it then get back to him before the first meeting (today after church).

Throughout the week as I prayed, a part of me wished I would receive some kind of divine dream or supernatural sign telling me to go or not to go. But the truth was that I really had no good excuse for not going. My hesitation lasted all the way until Marcus announced that the meeting was about to begin. I knew I had to make my decision quickly. Then I remembered the final night at Winter Retreat when our church learned the important lesson of obedience and submission to the spiritual leaders God placed above us. If Marcus, who has planned this trip and prayed about it for so long, gave me a personal invitation to join, then why should I question him? Besides, what can be more suitable for me than a music-based mission trip?

The meeting, which was more of a rehearsal to prepare the things we’ll be performing, was quite enjoyable. But I still find myself feeling a bit uneasy about having to commit two hours every Sunday afternoon to these meetings and spend three whole weeks away from home in a country I haven’t been to in a decade and a half. I know these things are all insignificant when my mind is focused on God, but it’s still slowly hitting me that I’m actually going on this trip, since my decision really just kind of popped out of nowhere today. I do feel a bit overwhelmed by suddenly having so much stuff to practice and prepare for both the Coffeehouse and the Taiwan trip, and I pray that God will give me peace as I pursue each of these tasks, with my mind set on doing my best to glorify Him. Each of the four rehearsals this weekend was for a divine opportunity to serve Him, so even though I am exhausted, I look forward to seeing the great things He will continue to do with the musical abilities He has blessed me with.

03/06: Finally added a bunch of new Wallpapers (Extras -> Wallpapers). Feel free to use them to make your desktops pretty =). Part of the joy of doing so much yardwork is that I get to take pictures of the stuff I plant, so many of the pics I added are actually from my backyard. Honestly though I'm getting a bit exhausted from all this work - it's great discipline and all, but it can be so tedious at times. To be completely honest (and a little selfish), I really just want to feel a bit more appreciated for what I'm doing. And I know it's not anyone's fault, since everyone at home is very busy these days. But yea... I haven't exactly been in too great of a mood all day. I'm better now though, cuz Mom took me out to Albertsons to go pick out some cold drinks to keep me going when the weather gets hotter. Sometimes even little things like some ice teas can totally cheer me up. It's such an amazing feeling to relax after hard work and take a sip of some ice cold tea or soda. So I look forward to enjoying that moment starting tomorrow morning.

03/02: It's been quite a fun and eventful weekend. Yesterday was Mom's birthday and today is Steph's birthday, so last night we went out for a big family dinner at The Cheesecake Factory. That left me pretty stuffed for the rest of the night, even though I still decided to go to Denny's with the PACT gang to chill for a bit. Today after church I scheduled to teach at 3:00, assuming people would be going out for lunch afterwards. And that's exactly what happened. A huge group of us went to eat at Costco, then went to hang out at CeFiore. I think one of the most amazing things about an authentic community is that people desire to spend time with each other, even if it's just hanging out and having fun. When we were too busy focusing on our own lives apart from church, it was only natural that after church we all left immediately and went our own ways. But now that we've found the joy of true fellowship, it seems like we can never spend too much time together.

Speaking of hanging out, I've come to realize something quite strange about my life this year. Ever since I began my teaching job, it appears that God has completely restricted my "hang-out life" to include only my family, my church, and my UCLA visits. It's not necessarily a good or bad thing, but I'm just really puzzled by it. At least half a dozen of my friends have told me they wanted to meet up and hang out, but none of them called me like back they said they would. And the few events that were actually scheduled ended up conflicting with my other plans, namely church and cell group. It may seem like just a coincidence, but the chances of so many things happening in the same way in a row are so small that I'm very convinced God has a plan behind it all. As I've mentioned countless times, my motives for spending time with friends are often quite selfish, and there's been several instances in these past couple months when God actually prevented me from interacting with friends until after I surrendered my selfish motives to Him first. Those conversations tend to be the most meaningful ones, because I'm not focused on fulfilling my selfish needs, but on listening to their needs and caring for them the way God wants me to. I don't know how long it will be until God decides that I'm ready to spend time in person with my friends outside of UCLA or my church, but if this "discipline" is beneficial to my work for His kingdom, then I pray that He will continue letting His will be done.

Last night at PACT, Rachel shared an amazing quote she heard from a pastor - "Your character is the ink by which God writes your life story." The more I think about it, the more I realize it's true. Sermons about our life stories and God's purpose for us always grab my attention, since it's a topic that I have explored a lot through all the journeys that God has led me through. But this quote gives it more depth. We can't write if we don't have ink, and in the same way God's work in our lives depends on our character, which leads to our ability to trust Him. Sometimes I expect God to constantly feed me with instructions on where my life is headed next, when I’m not actually willing to submit to Him like I should to a father. Sure, He still loves me and will keep His promise of guiding me throughout life. But it’s simply not right for me to turn to Him every time I need help, then turn away and live a life of sin when I feel like things are going fine. My heart cannot be completely right with God if I also allow my selfish desires to be my master. With these things in mind, I pray that I can check my attitude in everything I do, so that the motives behind my words and actions will be pleasing to God.

Thinking about these things inevitably makes me wonder once again, "Am I at the place God wants me to be right now?" "When will it be time to move on?" "When will I discover the next chapter of my life?" Understanding the fact that God uses my character to shape my life is really encouraging, since it helps me to both want to live a righteous life and look forward to seeing how my life story will continue. Every story God has written in my life has been more or less a character-building experience, and when I have learned the lessons He wants me to learn in each chapter, He will prompt me to move on. I know for sure that even though I often struggle with maintaining a good relationship with Him, I know that He is still guiding me. In fact, as of today I'm seriously considering an opportunity to serve God with my church this summer. It does require a small sacrifice on my own part, but what makes me hesitant to make my decision is that I don't want to miss any job opportunities that may arise. But then again, maybe that's just my own excuse. If God wants me to take this opportunity, then He'll provide everything I need to make it happen. I pray right now that He will let me know clearly whether or not it's right for me to say yes. If so, I'll do it gladly.