12/31: 2013 Reflections

It's always hard for me to wrap my head around how quickly time flies. As hard as it is to believe (and admit), it has already been ten years since I graduated from high school. And even though Troy's Class of 2003 apparently didn't have 10-year reunion as far as I know, I definitely can't help but wonder a little about the different paths of life that everyone I knew at the time has chosen to take over the past decade. Each year of my life has been filled with all kinds of incredible stories, and I find it hard to believe that another year has come to an end. From epic car shows to parties with friends, from fancy date nights to family dinners, there are countless things that contributed to making 2013 memorable. It has been a year full of both challenges and celebrations, both accomplished goals and unmet resolutions. But if I had to sum up everything I learned in one sentence, it would be that God is sovereign over every aspect of my life.

I not only came to understand more of God's sovereignty through firsthand experience, but also had many opportunities to learn about it in His Word. At BSF, we finished our study of the book of Genesis, which included the story of how God turned Joseph's suffering into an incredible blessing (May 1 entry). It just happened to be that the theme of this past summer's Connections retreat was also God's sovereignty (July 8 entry), and that fact that many of the same passages I studied at BSF were used in the retreat sermons really reinforced the precious lessons behind them.

Life is always full of questions, and even though many of the questions in my life are so crucial, I don't always have the right answers. Is my current job something I see myself doing in the long run? Should I move out of home to gain the experience of living independently even with a financial sacrifice? Why do I make so many stupid mistakes? Why do I make the same mistakes over and over again? What does God want me to do with my college degree in music? When should Tiffany and I take the next step forward in our relationship? Each time I reflect on the past, I realize how little I knew at the time about what my life would eventually be like. And while I may never know the answers to all my questions until I see God face to face, I find great assurance in the fact that He is sovereign and has a plan for every aspect of my life.

Regarding music, after several months of struggling with computer problems (and finding time and money to get everything back in working order), I was finally able to resume my projects near the beginning of the year thanks to a new computer and audio setup. The incident served as a reminder of not only how God graciously provides in His timing, but also how I must cherish the time and resources I have and resist the temptation to take them for granted (January 18 entry). A little over a month later, I completed my role in Jeevo's latest album, which, despite all the hurdles we encountered over the long process, helped us both to more deeply appreciate the gifts we have been blessed with and the joy of working together to give God glory (February 23 entry).

As for using music to serve at church, I was able to participate (through both arrangement and performance) in the Easter concert for FECSGV's Mandarin service. But what amazed me most was the invitation I received to serve on the Connections worship team, which, given its incredible timing and the prayers in my heart at the time, brought me to tears, humbled by the precious reminder that through all the years when I struggled with finding a church community to call home, God has always been by my side (July 14 entry). And that leaves me with no doubt that as long as I do my part in exercising the gifts He has given me, He will surely open doors as He sees fit.

Over the course of 2013, I have grown in countless ways that I never thought were possible before. And much of that growth revolves around my relationship with Tiffany. As crazy as it seems, I have attended six weddings over the past seven months, including my own younger sister's wedding (August 11 entry), and I know that in the near future Tiffany and I will have a chance to celebrate our own big day as well. We just enjoyed our two-year anniversary dinner a little over a month ago (November 7 entry), and I recently shared with her my belief that at any given point our relationship is either growing stronger or becoming weaker. There's really no flat line, because a relationship without growth and purpose will easily lose its meaning. Each time we face a conflict, it's our choice to either turn it into an opportunity to grow stronger or let it leave an unresolved gap between us. It's a lesson I have learned many times and am still learning today, and I'm so thankful that the assurance that it was God who brought us together continues to give us strength to move forward together.

In the summer, Tiffany was able to fulfill her long-time God-given desire to go to Indonesia and serve through teaching. The two weeks that we spent apart from each other not only strengthened our trust toward each other, but taught us the importance of seeking intimacy with God and placing our relationship with Him above our relationship with each other (July 30 entry). God often speaks through Scripture and in our experiences, but there are also many times when He speaks through other people and resources. In February, we attended the Love & Respect conference (February 18 entry), which gave us a deeper understanding of ourselves, of each other, and of the unique roles God calls us to play in our relationship. In August, we had our first session of relationship (pre-engagement / pre-marital) counseling, through which we have learned valuable lessons that will guide us as we strive for our common goal of marriage.

Of course, no resource will give us a definite answer on exactly when to take the next big step forward. But once again, it's a situation in which we know confidently that God is sovereign. In these last several months, we have both been given challenging situations through which we have grown stronger and are continuing to grow. For me, the call to become a discussion group leader at BSF (September 22 entry) opened new doors to not only serve other people, but step out of my comfort zone and learn to take responsibility as a leader while humbly submitting to God's guidance. Being a leader is still a great challenge to me every week when Tuesday comes around, but it has taught me to depend on God more than ever before, and I know that the precious lessons I learn from this experience will not only pave the way for future ministry and leadership opportunities, but also prepare me for marriage.

Recently at BSF we studied the Parable of the Sower (Matthew 13:3-8), in which people's responses to the gospel are compared with seeds falling on four types of soil. We were asked to describe how, during times of hardship, we can tell what type of "soil" our hearts identify with at the moment. My answer was perseverance; times of hardship expose the strength or weakness of our otherwise hidden roots. And I had great difficulty coming to terms with that answer, because I know that difficult times in my life often lead me to realize that my roots are much more shallow than I'd like to think they are. But God is still sovereign. He has written too many stories in my life over this past year for me to describe in detail here, but with the hardships presented in each story, I have come to know more and more deeply that He is still in complete control. The years I spent apart from playing piano for my home church have helped me mature both as a worshiper and as a musician. The disagreements between Tiffany and me have taught us both to communicate honestly and turn our conflicts into opportunites to grow stronger. My lack of skill and experience as a BSF group leader has left me with no doubt that God not only uses imperfect people, but gives us strength to accomplish His will when we respond to Him in obedience.

While I really wish to have an opportunity to reunite with my high school peers from ten years ago and see how our lives have progressed, I'm glad to say that I am fully content with the life that God has given me. I may not have all the answers to the questions in my life right now, but I believe God has given me one answer that transcends all my questions - He is sovereign. He is always with me, and He will not let anything happen if no good can possibly come out of it. He opens and closes doors in His timing because He knows what's best in the long run. And that brings me a deep sense of peace that nothing in this world can offer. By this time next year, I'm sure I will have gone through countless ups and downs that I can not imagine right now. And as I welcome this new year with open arms and an open heart, I pray that I will always remember that God is sovereign, and that in every circumstance there is no better choice than to trust and obey Him.

12/28: I just stumbled across this article on the front page of Yahoo! and had to do a double take to make sure I was reading it correctly.

12/20: Earlier tonight I was filling out my wish list for one of a gazillion gift exchanges I'm participating in this year. It really made me think about what things I truly want the most. In the end, all I could come up with (other than the usual "surprise me") were gift cards. Yes, it's kind of a boring gift to ask for. But the funny thing is that gift cards are becoming more popular than ever before, and I believe a big part of the reason is that people are becoming increasingly tired of stressing over choosing the perfect items to fulfill all their gift-giving obligations.

Yes, I can name a few tangible gifts that I would love to receive, but they're all far more expensive than anything I would allow people to give me for Christmas. I always enjoy surprise gifts, regardless of monetary value. But I have to admit that sometimes my life is filled with so much clutter that anything additional would bring me equal parts joy and stress. It simply doesn't make sense for me to ask for anything other than the things that truly satisfy the deepest longings of my heart.

One thing that has been really bothering me recently is seeing people so caught up in Christimas excitement that they are completely blinded from the feelings of people around them. In the same office, there can be people passionately trying to get everyone excited for holiday parties and people simply trying to complete the seemingly endless list of tasks so they can be home for dinner. In the same store, there can be customers eagerly checking off items on their shopping list and workers exhausted from all the extra time and effort spent convincing the world that Christmas is always supposed to be a season of happiness.

Most people I know probably make at least a little effort to come to terms that Christmas isn't all about themselves, whether it's through attending church to hear a sermon about baby Jesus or through participating in various charitable events that provide gifts to underprivileged children. But what about our attitudes toward the people around us that we encounter every day? How much have we considered the fact that many, if not most, of us probably desire much more for Christmas than simply receiving beautifully wrapped gifts and adhering to all the holiday traditions?

I'll begin by simply listing some of the things I've truly wished for in this past week. A good night's sleep. To complete a day at work without feeling overwhelmed. To drive home safely. Someone to talk to. A hug. To be understood. To feel respected.

Is that really too much to ask for? I'm certain that there are many people around us who, like me, may give off the impression that everything is going well, but deep inside they're wishing for the same things that I'm wishing for, if not even bigger things. Last year, my grandmother spent Christmas in the hospital after an unexpected trip to the emergency room. Right now, there are people close to my heart who are suffering from health problems or have recently lost loved ones. There are people who, despite having a home to live in and a car to drive, simply cannot afford to enjoy eating at restaurants with friends every day or buy a bunch of even seemingly inexpensive gifts. Yet others are so consumed my planning how to have fun that nothing else seems to matter. As if possessed by some sort of demon, they not only disregard people's feelings that are different from their own, but respond in great frustration when not everyone around them shares their enthusiasm.

I really hate to say this, but I believe there are very few times of the year that break God's heart as much as Christimas. Ironic, isn't it? Most people would probably first think of Halloween. But even on Halloween, most people (regardless of religious background) at least attempt to exercise a little wisdom in considering which activities to participate in and which activities to avoid rather than blindly jumping into whatever bandwagon they cross paths with. On Christmas, we often put on costumes without even realizing it. Let's be honest - when everybody shows up at church with huge bags of gifts for their friends, it becomes even more difficult to focus on worshipping God than it is on any other Sunday. I'm definitely not saying it's wrong or bad to give and receive gifts. But I'm sure there are at least a few people who end up in a corner by themselves, feeling anything but loved, with their inner pain exasperated by all the festivities. Trust me, I'm no stranger to those corners, and it's not a fun experience. And I believe that when we put on our costumes, see others in their costumes, and neglect the pain inside people's hearts, it's definitely not how God intended for Christmas to be.

Why is it that the holiday season always seems to bring about an increase in car accidents, robberies, and even shootings? First, it's because many of us are focused more than ever before on our own agendas, hiding our selfishness behind the mask of doing good deeds. Second, it's because all the festivities around us not only fail to hide the fact that there is so much discontent in people's hearts, but make the discontent even more unbearable. The pain of losing loved ones is made worse in a season when it seems like the right thing to do is to spend time with family members. The shame of poverty is augmented when it seems like the right thing to do is to have money to buy a bunch of gifts. Behind our Christmas masks, many of us are fighting hard to stand our ground in fear that someone or something would launch an attack and make this sacred holiday anything less than exactly how we want it to be. And to be honest, I know that many of us are tired of it.

Putting together all the struggles in my own life with all the struggles I see in people around me, I'm convinced that what I truly want for Christmas is a simple and genuine sense of joy and peace. Yes, I still (and probably always will) feel excited like a child when waking up on Christmas morning. But all the presents and celebrations in the world cannot hide the fact that I'm exhausted and drained. A part of me almost wishes that I can experience true poverty, so that I can find the pure joy of appreciating life for what it is, without the countless layers of clutter hiding its deepest beauty. The things I want for Christmas are things that money can't buy, but they are things that God promises to give His children. And thankfully, that's what Christmas is ultimately all about - the promised Son of God, an gift greater than anything I can ever ask for. In that gift there is joy and peace that satisfies my heart more than any gift in this world ever can, and I pray that in this Christmas season I will fix my eyes on that incredible gift and not let anyone or anything hide it from me.

12/14: The winter season has always played a crucial role in my perception of the holiday season. Just as Christmas always fills me with a childlike excitement, the chilly weather brings to me a sense of joy and adventure. But over the years, a number of events have allowed the cold breeze to strike a little too deeply into my heart. The chilly climate became a lack of security, and the increased hours of darkness became a time of great fear.

Maybe I'm just unusually sensitive to certain emotions that others tend to do a better job of coping with. Having swam in waters which few want to tread, I easily identify with spirits that most see as a mere breeze of discomfort. And I can see that in this season so prominently celebrated as a time of joy, there is more pain and discontent in people's hearts than ever before.

It's a really strange and haunting feeling that I can't quite describe. If it's peace, it shouldn't be so cold. But if it's fury, it shouldn't be so calm. The world which was once so serene has become a battlefield in which the war between good and evil leave people with no safe place to hide. Frostbite was inevitable, and until the numbness wears off, I can only hope and pray that the damage is not permanent.

12/13: We climbed up the mountain together until we reached the top. In the silence of the night, Murder gazed at us from behind. It was a point of no return. We stood at the edge of the cliff, looking down at a distance whose end was too far for us to see. There was only one option. We held each other's hands, made our final wishes, and jumped together. If the wind favors one of us, then when we reach the bottom maybe one of us will land on the other and survive at the other's demise. But just as we climbed together and jumped together, chances are we will die together.

12/08: Bun Bun Tea House

There's no doubt that the restaurant business is a competitive one, especially when it comes to Asian food in the San Gabriel Valley, where the are often dozens of restaurants in the same city that serve basically the same kind of food. Whether you want ramen, boba, pho, stinky tofu, or chow mein, a quick walk down any major street will probably help you stumble upon exactly what you're looking for. But every once in a while, something comes around even in the realm of Asian food that is truly unique. And when such places shut their doors, they leave customers with a void that no other place can fill.

Tiffany and I have always enjoyed going to Bun Bun Tea House for their drinks and Taiwanese-style burgers. I know it's sort of a strange concept, but having grown up in Taiwan and become a huge fan of its food, I can say confidently that these burgers are worth trying, and they go great with the slushee drinks. Their signature "Bun Bun sauce" is an amazing flavor enhancer for the fries and potato ball. Tiffany and I have been to Bun Bun enough times that the owner remembers us, and each time I eat there, I find myself puzzled at why nobody else (that I know of) has tried to open a restaurant with a similar concept.

The only place other authentic Asian restaurant I know that offers such unique flavors is Ching Chang Wing Wang, with its incredibly diverse selection of chicken wing flavors at amazing prices. Sadly, it closed down after a pitifully short lifespan, and while I'd like to blame its interesting name (which I personally love), I'm pretty sure the closure had to do with the fact that their service was notoriously bad and slow. Bun Bun, however, has always offered friendly service in a friendly atmosphere. The owner was always approachable and gladly offered to let us sample their newest dishes at no cost. I understand how some people may be turned off by paying more than a few dollars for items often associated with fast food restaurants. But the food is definitely not expensive, and as one who rarely spends more than necessary to feed myself, I consider it a great value.

Unfortunately, luck and timing worked against Tiffany and I. The previous time we attempted to go to Bun Bun on a Wednesday night, only to discover that they were closed on Wednesdays - something we were not previously aware of, but didn't feel too bothered by it since everybody deserves a break at some point during the week. We decided to go again last week, this time on a Thursday, and were surprised to find the lights off and the doors locked, with everything inside still in place. The sign on the door still listed Thursday nights as part of their normal business hours.

Confused, we switched our dinner location to Simbala a couple doors down, then returned to see the same strangely dark room that we once enjoyed our Taiwanese burgers in. It wasn't until a little online research that I confirmed the worst-case scenario - Bun Bun had closed down just before Thanksgiving break. There was no clear explanation given for the closure, and I still find it a little hard to believe. It really makes me wish I was able to talk with the owner to see what future plans she has in mind before losing touch. For now, what I know for sure is that Bun Bun's absence will leave an empty spot in my appetite that no other restaurant I know can fill. I really hope the owner has plans in mind to continue blessing the world with great food, and whatever those plans may be, I wish her the best.

12/04: I decided to spend one afternoon over Thanksgiving break making my annual pilgrimage to the L.A. Auto Show (at the L.A. Convention center). Last year, I tried something new and took the Metro bus from the El Monte station conveniently located near my church right after Sunday service. It was my first time visiting the station, and after a great experience, I knew I would be back again to catch the following year's Auto Show.

Being the genius that I'd like to believe I am, I figured that since the El Monte bus station was right next to the 10 freeway and easy to find, I didn't need to look up directions. I exited the freeway by memory, saw the bus station to my left just as I remembered, and waited patiently in the left turn lane for the light to turn green. What surprised me, though, was that there were no other cars waiting to turn left. The green left turn arrow finally lit up, and upon entering the premises of the station, I proceeded to enter the parking lot, only to discover that there were only a couple cars inside, and the gate was locked.

Confused, I drove down a bit further, and saw an open space filled with dozens of unattended buses. Were the drivers on strike, or did all those buses break down? Could it be true that the entire station was closed for the holiday weekend? There was not a single parking lot accessible to the public. Or perhaps, sometime in the past year they had remodeled the entire parking area so that it now uses a different entrance that I had not yet discovered? If so, some signs would have definitely helped.

I soon reached the end of the driveway and discovered a path leading to a large underground entrance. That's when everything finally started to make sense - It must be a new underground parking lot! How kind of them to not only offer visitors public transporation at a low price, but also allow us to keep our own cars away from bad weather!

It's hard to describe the feeling that came next. I gladly drove down the ramp, only to find myself in a dimly lit chamber that looks nothing like a parking lot. A long driveway looped around a very large island on which people stood in single file lines. The only other vehicles around me were buses...

It's over, I thought to myself. The cops, who I've heard are bored enough to even give out jaywalking tickets regularly, are sure to come after me with blaring sirens and send me to jail for all kinds of reasons. Disregarding all the one-way traffic signs, I promptly made a U-turn and went back up the ramp. It's probably better than cruising all the way around the huge perimeter of the bus terminal to rub in everyone's faces that I'm a total idiot and making my fate in the hands of law enforcement officials even more certain.

Thankfully (and surprisingly), I made it out alive to tell the story from the comfort of my room. It wasn't until I returned to the main street that I noticed what I should have seen earlier - a huge sign at the intersection where I made the left turn saying that the entrance was for buses only. As for all other vehicles, there was a second entrance just a little farther down the street that looked similar to the one I entered, except without that big warning sign.

At last, the mystery was solved and the lesson was learned. The rest of the afternoon went smoothly, and as I sat on the bus, I realized once again what a wise decision it was to choose this method of transporation. For five bucks, I can be taken to my destination while enjoying a nice tour of Downtown L.A. and feasting my eyes on its diverse architecture and lifestyle. The other option would be to pay stratospheric amounts for parking, waste gas while being stuck in traffic, and still not save all that much time. Given that I apparently have trouble noticing a huge "buses only" sign even after waiting at the intersection in front of it for a long time, I really shouldn't be driving in an environment filled with pedestrians, skateboarders, cops, various types of idiots, and all kinds of other random road obstacles. Besides, chances are that to the people around me, there are many ways in which I would fall into the "idiots" category too. Once again, the Metro has proven to make the world a better place.

11/30: I've always found the word "thanksgiving" quite interesting. Having heard it in all kinds of different places from praise songs to inspirational stories to holiday dinner conversations, I can't help but wonder why it is chosen in place of more common words like "thankfulness" or "gratitude". I'm not a language expert, but I believe "thanksgiving" is unique in that it involves not only an attitude ("thanks"), but a response ("giving"). It's easy to casually tell someone "thank you" or list ways in which we appreciate someone. But it is often much more difficult to step out of our comfort zone and give to others out of thankfulness.

I recently shared honestly with my BSF group that while there are many people of various social and religious backgrounds who seem naturally inclined to be kind and generous to others, I am, sadly, not one of them. It's not that I don't want to be kind and generous; some things simply come more easily to some than others, and it takes a lot more work for me to channel my joy and thankfulness into a blessing to others when I have no selfish motives for doing so.

In Matthew 10:8, Jesus gives a simple but profound teaching - "Freely you have received; freely give." Just as "thanksgiving" consists of both an attitude and a response, this statement contains both an instruction and a reason for it. I find great encouragement in the fact that Jesus has to teach people to give, since He knows that it doesn't come naturally to everyone. He doesn't say to give to please others or feel good about myself, but rather as a response to the fact that so much has been freely given to me.

I've always heard people tell me to "count my blessings", and to be honest, I often consider the phrase a little cheesy. But the truth is that there are so many blessings in my life that I easily overlook. I can consider my job a place filled with problems that cause me discontent, or I can see it as a blessing from God to give me financial stability. I can see people in my life as sources of frustration, or I can see them as blessings to make life more fulfilling and meaningful. The point is not to unrealistically ignore all the bad things in life, but rather to know confidently that God is in control of all things. Even when everything in the world fails to satisfy, life itself is a gift that I neither earned nor can confidently sustain on my own.

It may be a coincidence that the holiday season begins with Thanksgiving, but I believe it serves as an important reminder that there is no meaning to Christmas without an attitude of thanksgiving, whether it's toward God or for the many blessings in our lives. The realization that so much has been given freely to me leaves me no reason to not share my blessings with others. Amidst all the superficial things in this season that often take up too much of our attention and time, let's remember to always have an attitude of thanksgiving so that the holiday season can be something truly worth celebrating.

11/10: I had the privilege of sharing with my brothers and sisters in Connections (the English ministry at FECSGV) today about how reading the Bible has recently impacted my life-

Having been a Christian since I was young, I sometimes find it difficult to maintain an open mind and heart when reading Bible passages I'm already very familiar with. Even though I know there's always more to learn, it's easy for me to shut my mind down thinking "I've heard this already", letting my pride get in the way of allowing God to speak through His word. Some of my friends who are newer believers would share with me how amazed they are at stories like Moses parting the Red Sea when they read it for the first time. It really makes me wish for the same kind of excitement when I read Word.

As some of you know, I attend the Young Adults' group at Bible Study Fellowship (BSF). This is currently my fourth year, and this year we are studying the book of Matthew. In the beginning, I found myself really struggling to feel excited about the study. The four gospels contain some of the most well-known Bible stories which I have heard since childhood, and almost every passage in Matthew would probably sound at least a little familiar to me. I knew that it would be too easy for me to shut my heart and mind, even though there is so much more I need to learn. God's Word is alive, and I knew I needed His help to give me the right attitude to read the Bible so that I would be receptive to what He has to teach me. So I prayed for humility, to treat each chapter as if I were reading it for the first time. And so far, I'm truly amazed at what I've already learned. Here's one passage that recently left me feeling very convicted-

And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him. This, then, is how you should pray.
"Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one." (Matthew 6:7-13)

The "Lord's Prayer" is a passage most Christians know and probably even memorized. But this time I studied it in its proper context, during Jesus' Sermon on the Mount. He was speaking to the Pharisees, who would often say long prayers in public to attract attention from people. The problem isn't the actual length of the prayers, but rather the motives behind the prayers. It really made me think - If God is everywhere, then shouldn't I be able to pray like I'm talking to an actual person? How would you feel if we were having a conversation and I told you something, then a few minutes later forgot that I just told you? Yet that's exactly how I pray sometimes. Sometimes I have a mental list of people and things I need to pray for, but save the prayer until the end of the day before going to sleep. That's not necessarily a bad thing, since it's easier for me to not worry about other things like going to work. But the problem is that I usually don't realize how sleepy I am until that time. There have been many instances where I had so much trouble focusing on God that I literally forgot what I just prayed for three minutes ago.

It seems like Jesus is teaching that every word in prayer should be intentional and meaningful. Repetition is not necessarily a bad thing, but it shouldn't be done meaninglessly simply because I'm not paying attention. I have to ask myself honestly - How much do I care about the things I'm praying for? Sometimes people share their needs with me and I tell them I'll pray for them daily, with every intention to actually do so. But in the end the prayers become nothing more than an item to check off on my to-do list so I can sleep peacefully knowing I've fulfilled my Christian duty for the day. And how much do I care about the God I'm praying to? After all, I'm talking to a real person. Besides, the passage says that God already knows what we need before we ask. It's like me trying to teach one plus one to my calculus professor - He already knows everything I can possibly explain, and much more. God's ways are so much higher than my ways, and His knowledge is beyond what I'll ever know in this world. For me to treat God like a genie in a bottle and mindlessly throw my prayer list at Him every night is disrespectful, pointless, and stupid.

So what's the point of praying then? It's with all this in mind that Jesus proceeds to teach the famous "Lord's Prayer" that most of us have heard so many times before.

Obviously, tis prayer is not focused primarily on our needs and wants. It begins with first acknowledging who God is. When we talk to someone, it's important to first know who we're talking to. When we address someone with a title like mom, dad, teacher, or boss, it implies that they have a special position in our lives which affects the way we talk to them. So what about God?

I remember one time during my college years when I was extremely angry with God. I can't remember exactly what happened, but after throwing my Bible on the ground, I left home, hopped on my bike, and went to a place in my neighborhood where I sometimes go to pray. I can talk to God out loud there, and no one else can hear me. All I could do was scream "God, what the heck..." (except I used a different four-letter word in place of "heck".) Then I looked up at the sky for a moment, and suddenly my heart broke. I was calling Him "God", but I was treating Him like anything but God. All I wanted was for everything to go my way, and I expected Him to do everything as I wanted Him to. How could I possibly talk this way to someone that I call "God"? All I could do then was fall on my knees and cry.

So who is God? This passage in Matthew calls Him "father in heaven". First, He is a loving father figure, which means so much to me, since my earthly father passed away when I was very young. I often feel like I'm inadequate compared to other guys because I grew up without a father figure, and when I'm facing hard times, I'm often tempted to blame God for taking my dad away, thinking that I would be much stronger if I had a proper role model to look up to while growing up. But God is a father to the fatherless, and over the years He has blessed me with a loving family, a college degree, and a stable office job. During the times when I feel my dad's physical or emotional absense, I have no choice but to turn to God and allow Him to comfort me. And each time I pray, I should know deep inside that He is fully sufficient for me.

God is also God in heaven, almighty and all-powerful. I know that my earthly father loved me when he was still with me, but even so, he was only human. Sometimes I tell people I love them, but end up unable to love them perfectly or even hurt them because I place myself above them. God not only says He loves us, but has the capacity to carry out that love perfectly. Every promise in the Bible is true, because God in heaven is strong enough to carry it out. He is divine and eternal - He knows the future and intends to do what's best for me. It really makes me think about the way I pray to Him. If I start every prayer by acknowledging God as my father in heaven, my attitudes when praying will be completely different.

"Your kingdom come, your will be done". Jesus doesn't tell me to pray for my own will to be done, but rather God's will. Acknowledging who God is leaves me with no choice but to surrender to His sovereignty. Everything else - meeting my needs, forgiveness of my sins, facing temptation, etc. - is based on that attitude of surrender. It's definitely not wrong for me to tell God what I want or what I need, or even pray for the same things over and over again. Jesus teaches later in the Sermon on the Mount that we should persistently ask, seek, and knock, and He will answer. God always hears our prayers, and just because He doesn't answer with the answer I want, or doesn't answer right away, it doesn't mean He didn't hear me or doesn't care about me. I prayed as a boy that God would heal my dad of his cancer - Jesus healed so many people in the Bible, so how can that be too much to ask? But in the end, God still took my dad away. There are so many things that I won't know the answer to until I get to heaven. But if I'm going to call Him "God", then I need to treat Him like God and surrender to His will, whether it agrees with mine or not. It's impossible for me to control God. As much as I can be a control freak, the truth is that I have so little control over my own life, and the more I try to take things into my own hands, the more I end up in constant fear of losing that control. There's really no better option than to entrust my life to God and let Him take the lead.

So to close, here are a few things I learned from this passage in Matthew that I really want to apply to my life-

-I want to stop thinking of prayer as an item on my to-do checklist. God is everywhere, so while it's important to set aside time each day to pray, I want to develop a habit of communicating with God throughout the day, lifting up people I know in need and meditating on His sovereignty, whether I'm at home, on the road, or at work.

-I want to use God's names and titles intentionally while I pray. Each time I call Him "God", or "father", or any other name, I want to consider who I'm actually praying to rather than simply say words thoughtlessly out of habit.

- how has prayer helped you to discover more about Father God? In what ways your prayer can enable you to develop intimacy with Him?

-I want to continue studying Matthew, or any other part of the Bible, with the same attitude that has already allowed me to learn and apply so much even from such a familiar passage. No matter how many times I hear or read the same story in the Bible, there's always more for me to learn, simply because I'm not perfect and will always fall short of God's perfect standards.

-I want to learn to surrender all my worries and fears to the God who has complete control. I often find myself worrying about my future - When is the right time for marriage? Do I have what it takes to lead a family? Is my current job something I see myself doing in the long run? Like I mentioned earlier, sometimes I also find myself feeling inadequate in all sorts of ways, and I often blame things in the past that were beyond my control. But if God is sovereign even over my father's death, then surely he has a purpose for every breath that I breathe on earth. With that in mind, I don't need to feel inadequate, because every moment of my life is an opportunity to give Him glory. Surrendering to my Father in Heaven may be difficult, but in the end it is both liberating and rewarding. I hope that each time I pray, I will have the wisdom, just as Jesus taught, to acknowledge the God who I'm communicating with and respond to Him accordingly.