10/24: I remember back in college when a friend from the apartments would visit me in my dorm while carrying a big empty backpack. Her real motive? Toilet paper. Beginning with the farthest dorm, she would take a bathroom break and snatch a roll of toilet paper from the stall, then proceed to the next dorm until she had made it down the Hill with her backpack filled and her apartment bathroom fully supplied for the next few months. Despite being poor college students on financial aid who would jump at any opportunity for freebies, deep inside there was always a part of us that felt bad for the janitors who always had to deal with us. But given how many drunk kids run around the hallways making a mess each night, most of us simply accepted our negligent lifestyle as the norm for our age group, believing that some day, when we were required to be more mature, we would naturally grow up.

But do we actually grow up once we enter the real world? Earlier this afternoon the security guards at the business plaza I work at went around our building door by door and distributed some bright neon green papers with important information on restroom etiquette. Here are a few items that caught my attention-

-"Please take your dishes home and wash them there." For those who didn't know, restroom sinks are typically not designed to digest cooking oil and leftover kung pao chicken. And in case anybody still doesn't care, the management office gave a little more detail on the severity of the problem. Read on.

-"Recently three restrooms were down due to plumbing problems resulting from food being thrown away in the toilet". Now I have to wonder - Who the heck decides to bring their food to the restroom and bypass both the trash bin and the sinks with the intent of pouring it in the same place they take a dump? And seriously, how much food did people flush down the toilet to result in three entire restrooms being disabled?

-"Please do not take restroom toilet paper and paper towels from the restrooms to your suite. You can purchase paper towels from Target at a very low cost." I guess growing up after college doesn't always come naturally. Yes, there is a Target directly across the street. And yes, I confess I've been guilty of this sin on more than one occasion, though it was in small quantities and simply for convenience more than anything else. Even if someone is dumb enough to be caught taking a few more sheets of paper towel than necessary, the worst that can happen is that they are told to not do so again. After all, it would be hard to prosecute someone for taking too much of a disposable item with no imposed limit, and most people who have a job in a business suite probably know better than to do something that can make them exchange their vacation days for jail time. But read on...

-"Please do not use paper towels to open the restroom door and then throw them on the floor." All hail Captain Obvious! But just to be safe, the management office offered an explanation anyway- "The reason we do not have trash cans inside the restrooms [aside from the trash bin built into the wall] is they disappear." Disappear!? I don't know what kind of high-tech trash cans they tried using before, but last time I checked, trash cans don't know any magic tricks. Given that the situation has already escalated to a point where they have to school us like a bunch of kids, they might as well just say it straight out that some d-bag has been stealing trash cans from the restrooms.

And who the heck steals trash cans from the restrooms? God only knows. But with security guards, janitors, and management officials constantly patrolling the building, not to mention the presence of security cameras, it's amazing that they didn't get caught. Unless, of course, those security cameras are there just for looks...

Anyway, you would think that in a professional business setting, people would have a little more decency. But I guess growing up really doesn't come naturally to everyone. I've personally experienced having to wash my hands in a sink clogged by somebody's leftover instant noodles, and it's an experience I'd much rather do without. And to the Einsteins that stole the trash cans - If you're going to risk going to jail for theft, might as well go after something a little more valuable, or at least something that hasn't made contact with the stuff people wipe their rear ends with. And if all you want is simply to have a trash can in your office, then remember, Target is right across the street. And if you can afford to own a business, then you can probably afford a wastebasket or two.

Now comes the part I really hate to have to write about. The sad truth is that the majority of those neon green papers will probably end up in a trash can - maybe even a stolen one - without ever having been read. I sincerely appreciate the management office's decision to be courteous by not singling out any individual, company, or group. But in all honesty, if they really want to make their point clear, the notice needs to also be in Chinese. As one who represents the ethnic group that makes up almost the entire population of the building, I'll be the first to confess that our kind, especially those who were not raised in an American background, are not exactly good at keeping public places clean. Just look at our restaurants - The best Chinese food is always from places that have a "C" rating or lower, and spending just a few seconds in the restroom will make you wish you could hold your goodies until you returned home.

My point is not to mock or blame Chinese people, but to say that while every culture is valuable and has its strengths and weaknesses, we need to make an effort to respect others, especially when we're in a place shared with those different from ourselves. Yes, Asians make up a frighteningly large percent of the San Gabriel Valley population. But we must remember that there are still many people around us who are not only different from us, but have been around here a lot longer than we have. Besides, cleaning up after oneself in public places really shouldn't be something exclusive to specific cultures. The truth is that, unlike college students who often choose to live negligently, most of the people targeted by the green papers make a mess not because they intend to, but simply because they're doing what they're used to doing (and haven't been taught not to do). The moral of the day? There are so many, but I'll list just a few. Clean up after yourself, especially in shared places. Encourage others to do the same. Think about others before acting selfishly. (Why does this sound strangely Biblical? I'm sure there's some kind of ancient Chinese proverb about this too...) So remember, next time you eat chow mein, throw your waste in the trash can – not the toilet, not the sink, but the trash can. Oh, and just a friendly reminder, leave the trash can where it is, and resist the temptation to take it with you!

10/20: In the summer I attended a wedding of which a part of the ceremony was dedicated to the groom's deceased mother. I couldn't help but cry a little; as a friend of the groom, I have not only heard him share about how much his mother means to him, but also realized that his situation is strikingly similar to my own. As a boy, I lost my father around the same time he lost his mother, and to this day our deceased loved ones continue to serve as great inspirations behind just about every aspect of our lives.

Ironically, around that same time I was reading a book about the effects of an absent father figure on a boy's growth, which pointed out some potential problems in situations like ours. My father is, to me, a perfect role model that I strive to build my life upon. However, the truth is that nobody is perfect, and the idealizing of a deceased parent can often cause a child to grow up with exceedingly high expectations of others, which leads to inevitable disappointment and even anger when those expectations are not met. I found myself amazed, both at how true this is in my life and at the realization that two seemingly irrevelant areas of my life are actually closely linked to each other.

It's hard to admit that nobody's perfect. In doing so, I have to accept not only the need to forgive people over and over again when they wrong me, but also the fact that I will make the same mistakes over and over again. The fact that I'm far from perfect leaves me with two options - either to trust in the God who is flawless, or to struggle endlessly to find contentment in an imperfect world full of imperfect people. I don't know where I would be today if I hadn't chosen the former.

I'm starting to understand more and more the concept of God's complete sovereignty. But when it comes to situations like my father's passing, it's always a struggle to accept the fact that God intentionally allowed it to happen and somehow has good reasons for doing so. I have already seen many ways over the years in which God has demonstrated His provision in my life and in my family, but when it comes to struggles regarding my identity as a man and my ability to properly play the role of a man in this world, it's hard for me to not point fingers. God is sovereign, and if any situation in this world is beyond His control, then He would not be the flawless God worthy of worship. The truth is that from the moment my father passed away when I was eight years old, God already knew the struggles I would face growing up over the years. And He already saw the good that would come out of each and every struggle.

I often wonder what Dad is thinking when he looks down from heaven at my everyday life - my office job, my family life, my relationship with Tiffany, and my roles at church and at BSF. In each of these areas there are many ways for me to carry Dad's torch and live by his example and inspiration. But if he were with me today, I believe he would encourage me to constantly acknowledge that each of these areas is a huge blessing from God and humbly trust in Him to lead me according to His will. That's exactly what I will do. And while it may not be wise to idolize Dad, he will always continue to be a great inspiration, no matter where this road of life takes me.

10/15: This is it, the moment that has caused me so much indescribably great excitement as well as fear over the past several weeks. Time seems to have passed by at a painfully slow pace, but in a sense everything still seems to have happened so quickly. And that's a good thing, since it doesn't allow me too much time to overthink, leading me to panic and doubt. I don't know how tonight will turn out, but I know it is going to change my life. And all I want right now is for God to take complete control. If I am praised, then may the praise be directed to God. And if I fail, then may I have faith to trust that He is sovereign and will help me grow. I just want God to take me as I am and use me to do whatever He wants me to do and accomplish whatever He wants me to accomplish. As long as that happens, then I will consider tonight a success. And in light of what we have learned this week and will continue to learn, I pray that my actions, attitudes, and words tonight may cause others to glorify our Father in heaven.

10/02: It's still hard for me to believe how quickly things are happening. I have not only begun adjusting to the insanely busy schedule that will be in effect until next summer, but also enjoyed several precious opportunities to bond with the current BSF leaders, learning from their experience and preparing for my leadership which will begin frighteningly soon. It's really hard to explain this feeling of both excitement and fear. I'm scared that I won't be good enough to do what I believe I should do as a leader, but I also believe that since this is a response to God's calling, He will definitely guide me step by step, and I'm excited to see how He will use this opportunity both to help me grow and to bless others.

In this past week we learned about John the Baptist calling people to repentance. Some people humbled themselves at the realization of their sinfulness and were baptized by John. Others were legalistic or clung onto their selfish motives. It really makes me wonder - What is my own attitude when faced with the good news of repentance? Because of Christ, the gift of forgiveness is always within reach. But am I first willing to confess? Sometimes, I choose to be trapped in the guilt and frustration of my own sins. That's why I struggle so much with feeling inadequate as a leader despite knowing that God will help me. "I believe, help my unbelief" - That's exactly my prayer right now. This is already a point of no return, so I'm just going to surrender myself and let Him take the lead.

09/22: If someone were to ask me how I have shared the love of God with others, I would probably list the many evangelistic concerts I've played piano in over the years, both in the states and overseas, in which many people gave their lives to Christ for the first time, recommitted themselves to their faith, or were greatly encouraged by the message behind the songs. I consider it a great honor to have a role in making music through which God can touch hearts and change lives, and I have always believed that music is an area of ministry that God has gifted me in and made me grealy passionate for. However, deep inside my heart there has been a desire that I had surpressed for many years - to have a direct and extended influence on an individual's walk with God.

There were various reasons behind my choice to surpress that desire. Sometimes, I thought I was selfish and simply craving attention for myself. Other times, I figured it would make the most sense if I stuck with my primary area of ministry and leave all the teaching, discipling, and counseling for those who were more gifted in those areas. But the main reason behind my constant refusal to fulfill this desire was the belief that I was not good enough. It's not hard to see that I'm quite different from most guys. I have very focused interests, a unique personality, and a rather countercultural lifestyle. My dad passed away when I was a child, and since then I have lacked the father figure so crucial to a boy's growth. Plus, even though I grew up attending church and participating in fellowships, there was never a consistent individual that counseled, discipled, or mentored me at a personal level. How, then, can I possibly play such a role in someone else's life?

Recently, I was offered a precious opportunity to become a group leader at BSF. Having been actively involved in the fellowship for three years, I have always looked up to the leaders, knowing the great commitment they make out of love and service to God and to the people in the fellowship. In my second year at BSF, I joined the musical worship team as one of the pianists, and in the following year I took on a coordinating role in the music ministry on top of playing piano. Knowing that a healthy community is built upon not only good leaders but also members who serve willingly, I gladly used what God has gifted me in to serve Him and bless the community that I had already received countless blessings from. But never had it crossed my mind that I would want to take on the official title of a group leader.

My many initial doubts began on the surface level; the time commitment not only in attending weekly meetings but also in studying the Bible at a deeper level and reaching out to the members of my group simply seemed unrealistic. But I know that God never gives us more to do each day than what is possible with the time we have. What made me most hesitant was the fact that being a group leader seems so out of my character and contradictory to my personality. And as much as I hate to admit it, I have so many flaws that make me truly unworthy of being a leader. I'm often very impatient and easily angered, and sometimes I'm so selfish that I love only those I feel like loving and show no compassion to those who I don't want to love. The impression I give those around me is often far from that of an exemplary Christian. How can God, in all His perfect holiness, choose me, in all my sinfulness, to receive such an honorable position?

For a few days, I wrestled with God. I fell on my knees, cried aloud to Him, and begged Him to help my unbelief. I also shared my struggles and concerns with people closest to me, and they not only prayed for me, but also offered great advise and encouragement. In the end, I was left knowing one thing - This is a decision I'm not going to regret. The path may not be easy, but it will help me grow in ways that will impact all areas of my life in the future, not to mention give me the great joy that results from having fought for the dream that I've kept surpressed for so many years.

But I definitely can't do it on my own. In fact, based on my own thinking, this decision really doesn't make sense at all. I am fully in favor of BSF's preference to not have people serve simultaneously as both a group leader and a worship musician, but that means I will essentially be giving up what I do best in exchange for what I'm completely uncomfortable with. It seems only logical that I stick with the area of ministry that I'm most experienced (and most easily capable of blessing others) in rather than serve in a way that seems out of my character. But my experience with BSF over the years makes me confident that the process that led to me being nominated for this position was based on God's guidance. And in the same way I believe that the many things I learned from the leaders God placed over me at BSF are from Him, I also believe that their decision to call me into leadership is from Him. In past years, I have turned down similar leadership opportunities in different groups for various legitimate reasons, largely revolving around schedule conflicts, the need to focus on my then-new job, and my lack of a stable church community. But this time, I really have no good reason to say no.

Attending BSF has been nothing short a life-changing experience, and I can't even imagine what my life would be like now had I not taken that first step three years ago, prompted by my mom's invitation and my desperate need for a spritual community. I can never forget that night when I first checked out the fellowship, in which I didn't know a single person. As I sat nervously in my car, I prayed one of the most genuine prayers I had ever prayed - that God would rid my heart of any impure motives and let every word spoken, every conversation that happened, and every relationship that formed take place only because it was pleasing to Him. Over the years, that prayer has been answered in many phenomenal ways that affect just about every part of my life now, from my church to my job, from my relationship with Tiffany to my own walk with God. And I believe that in the same way all those blessings resulted from leaps of faith, my decision to join the leadership team is also a leap of faith that will be indescribably rewarding. In the past three years, my group leaders - Eugene, Albert, and Rico - have faithfully encouraged me despite their own struggles and busy schedules, and even though we all have different strengths and weaknesses, I wish to follow the example they have set before me as I strive to faithfully lead the members of my own group. I pray that I may approach my leadership position with the same attitude I had during my first night at BSF. If, through what I do, I can grow in character, people can be blessed, and God can be glorified, then my answer is yes.

And I know without doubt that this decision will change my life, just as all the other blessings from BSF have over the years. True leadership is a lifestyle, not just a role played when BSF is in session. God wants us to worship Him from our hearts, not just with outward actions. The downside to being gifted in music is that it can be easy for me to jump on stage and play worship songs without first checking my heart, confessing my sins, and surrendering to His sovereignty. But when it comes to being a group leader, I must depend entirely on Him, because there's simply no other way I can find the strength and wisdom to do what I have to do. And no matter where I am, I must strive for an exemplary God-centered lifestyle. Over the past several months, I have often found myself worried about major decisions involving the future and whether or not I'm good enough to be who I believe God wants me to be. Perhaps this is God's answer - to direct my attention away from my own worries and toward a priceless opportunity to let Him take my hand and lead me on a new adventure. So as I take this leap of faith, I surrender to Him not only my role at BSF, but also my fears, my future, and my daily life. May He write this story according to His great and perfect will.

09/17: A Desperate Prayer

I already had a feeling I would end up having to make this decision, yet it still surprises me now that I'm actually faced with it. I have so many reasons to say yes, and also so many reasons to say no. But one thing I know for sure is that I'm a lot less hesitant to say yes now than I was in the past. But am I responding merely out of my own emotions, or because this is really the right time? You know my heart, my strengths and my weaknesses. While I'm prone to coming up with all kinds of seemingly valid excuses and ways to justify them, I want You to check my heart and make my motives pure. God, help me to love Your will - Not just tolerate it, but fall deeply in love with it. Help me to do whatever it takes to seek You so that I can recognize Your voice, even if it's a small whisper. For me to accept this gracious offer presented to me would be a huge leap of faith and one that seems unfit for my character as far as I can see. Yet that only shows that all I want is to be obedient to You, nothing more and nothing less. Can it be true? You, as You are. Me, as I am - full of imperfection, clearly unworthy of the task. Yet even the very lineage of Christ was filled with so many imperfect people. Can it really be You choosing me to take on this responsibility that will affect just about every facet of my life? God, I pray once again an old prayer that changed my life three years ago. All I want is You. May every conversation, every interaction, every opportunity, and every moment take place only because You intended for it to take place. May all my fears and selfish motives bow before Your sovereignty. And God, if You are willing, show me a sign, just as You sent an angel to Joseph to assure him that the seemingly ridiculous news of Mary's virgin pregnancy was, in fact, from You. I surrender this decision entirely into Your hands. If You call me to take this leap of faith, then surely You will pave a way through all the difficulties that will arise from it. I pray that I will not jump ahead of Your guidance, but I pray also that I will not miss an opportunity to step out of my comfort zone in faith and allow You to change my life and bless others in doing so. With You, nothing is impossible. And there is no greater joy than that of living in Your will. Take the pen from me and write every word for Your glory. May Your great and perfect will be done.

09/09: Having a year-long full-time job makes it much more difficult to distinguish between seasons than it was when I was a student and an academic tutor. But the way BSF ends each May and resumes again in September definitely makes me feel like I'm still more or less abiding by the academic calendar. And just as it's always a little hard to believe that a new schoolyear is about to begin, it still hasn't quite hit me that tomorrow will be the first day of a new year at BSF, during which we will study the book of Matthew. One more thing I find quite hard to believe is that this is already my fourth year at BSF. Time has definitely flown by, but that doesn't stop me from eagerly looking forward to the beginning of another adventure.

I believe that every part of the Bible can be used by God to change lives, whether it's a passage I'm very unfamiliar with or one that I've read a thousand times. But sometimes the biggest challenge in Bible study is to maintain a humble attitude regardless of how much (or how little) I already know. Unsurprisingly, the four gospels contain some of the most frequently-told stories in the Bible, many of which have been portrayed countless times in sermons, movies, drama, and songs. But that does not mean that I'm anywhere close to having mastered all there is to learn; it's just a lot easier for me to read the more familiar passages thinking I already know most of what there is to know. Our God is an exciting God, and His words can come alive no matter how many times I read them. So I pray, as I begin this year's BSF study of Matthew, for an open heart and humble attitude, eager to make the most out of every moment and be fully receptive to what God has to say.

09/03: A science teacher in high school once told me that whenever we use the phrase "millions of years ago", we must swing our arms high up in the air to emphasize the epic timeframe being described. This can apply to just about every situation in which the word "million" is used, especially when it comes to money. Just think about the looks on the faces of game show hosts when announcing that someone just won a million bucks. Somehow, the word "million" makes everything sound more grand. A Burger King employee can either say he makes 0.02 million a year, or call himself a minimum-wage burger flipper. Of course, on the other end of the spectrum, there are the lucky few who feel no need to emphasize the M-word, simply because they have so much money at their disposal that a million dollars is considered pocket change. And it is for those individuals that Bugatti built the ever-so-stunning EB 16.4 Veyron.

With a $1.4 million price tag (not including tax and options) for the base model, the car is always a rare sight. While it may not appear as menacing as many other supercars, its unique round shape, fitting for its nickname "Bug", is nonetheless an incredibly fine work of art. As for all the statistics, those who really care probably know enough already, so I don't need to list them here. But what makes the Veyron worth its arm-swinging price tag is that it isn't just another 200-mph supercar, but one that can cruise at such speeds with ease. While most auto engineers are primarily concerned with issues like fuel economy, practicality, and the use of cost-saving materials, Bugatti engineers had to stress about how to keep the tires from melting away, how to cool the quad-turbo 1,001 hp engine, and how to protect the front grille if it strikes a bird at over 200 mph. First world problems indeed.

The reason I'm saying all this? Last Saturday, there was an unusually large crowd at Cars & Coffee in Irvine, and that's because most people (including myself) knew something crazy was going to happen. Symbolic Motors in San Diego had made a little announcement a few days earlier that there would be an epic Veyron invasion at the latest iteration of the weekly Irvine gathering, with not one, not two, not three, but FOUR Bugs. As more information leaked, things only got more exciting. It turned out one of the Veyrons would be the Grand Sport Vitesse (the upgraded 1,200 hp version in convertible form) that just arrived at Symbolic's showroom recently. Another one would be Manny Khoshbin's custom $2.5 Million Mansory Vincero. That, plus two more "regular" Veyrons. Epic, just epic.