04/30: Random lunch break entry. Tonight is the big show, and right now I'm simply sitting in my car playing through some of the songs in my head. Surprisingly, this 90-something-degree weather actually isn't too bad, given that there has been a constant breeze in the air since I woke up this morning. There's a faint smell of smoke in the air, and I sure hope it's not a fire, since this is probably the worst kind of weather in which to bring a fire under control. Either way, it's definitely a strange day, and the excitement will only increase as the day progresses.

In a business complex like the one I work in, it's always fun to look past random people's professional attire and wonder what's going on inside their heads. What do they enjoy doing outside of work? Who do they look forward to seeing most when they leave the office? If there's any way to actually find out, I'm sure the truth will be amazing enough to spawn hours of nonstop conversation. After all, life is a collection of stories, and everyone has at least a few good stories to tell. As for me, I'm greatly amused by the fact that nobody in the entire building has a clue that the moment the clock strikes 5, I'll be heading over to Sunset Strip and hopping on stage at the House of Blues. Apparently this quiet Asian kid that spends eight hours a day typing documents in front of a computer plays in a rap band at night. And he's still not quite sure how to respond to having to instantly switch between the two seemingly opposite lives.

For most of the morning, I'd been working at a leisurely pace, trying to be responsible for my work while saving most of my energy for nighttime. I'm managing to not think too much about the show, but in my heart there's still that bubbling sense of excitement, reminding me that today is anything but ordinary. I have neither been to the House of Blues nor performed at such a renowned venue. There are still plenty of surprises that await me, from the threat of rush hour traffic to the great mystery of how to find parking without emptying my whole wallet. I'm pretty sure most of the Jeevo band will be there before me, but from the moment I meet up with them, I know that the experience will be an unforgettable one. And I'm definitely looking forward to it.

04/27: If I were asked to pick three specific topics to share about in relation to my faith, they would be (in no particular order) figuring out life in college, using music in ministry, and trusting God with relationships. The first two topics are things that I am not only passionate about, but have a lot of experience in. The last, however, is one that most people in the world probably know much more about than I do. Sure, Tiffany and I have been dating for almost two and a half years. But prior to that, I had neither been in a relationship nor done much to really prepare myself to be in one. Rather than feeling confident about my experiences, I can safely assume that when it comes to relationships, most people I know have a lot more to share with me than I have to share with them. Yet the topic of relationships was exactly what Tiffany and I were asked to share about at last night's Young Adult Network gathering.

I began my portion of the sharing by stating that being in a relationship has been one of the most humbling experiences in my life. That's because, despite my constant desire to feel self-sufficient, I know unquestionably that I'm completely insufficient, without any knowledge, skill, wisdom, or ability other than what God graciously gives me. Yet that's exactly what has made our relationship grow stronger over time. Tiffany and I met through individually seeking God first without any ulterior motives, and we know that it is through continuing to seek Him that we find strength and wisdom to face the inevitable hardships that come with any long-lasting relationship.

I often say jokingly that the reason I tend to not talk too much about things I'm passionate about is that that once I start, I won't shut up. Needless to say, I was overjoyed when first given the opportunity to share at the Young Adult Network event, and one of the biggest challenges of the preparation process was condensing the million things I wanted to share to under ten minutes. But no less challenging to me was facing the reality that I would be standing with a microphone in front of a bunch of people. Public speaking is something I never considered myself gifted in, and after Tiffany and I performed a song (her singing and me playing piano) as the first part of our sharing, I commented (jokingly but honestly) that she is the face and voice of our relationship, since I do much better hiding behind the piano than standing in front of people. I knew when I first accepted this offer that as the day grew closer, my fear would creep in front of the joy and passion that first characterized my response. And as I stuck with my decision to speak freely based on an outline - my first time voluntarily speaking in public without reading verbatim off a paper - I prayed that I would remember without doubt that no matter how I felt on the outside, the joy and passion was still alive inside.

Looking back now, I'm glad to say that God answered that prayer positively. Sure, I know that I could have done better. But I am confident that this has been a huge breakthrough, both in my own confidence with public speaking and in my willingness to verbally share the things God has placed on my heart. I have no doubt that being a BSF leader and leading group discussions on a weekly basis - a decision that was itself a huge leap of faith - has played a crucial role. And that only testifies to how God blesses those who are obedient to Him, reinforcing the main point of my sharing - seek God first.

Despite my fear of public speaking, the opportunity to share publicly about God's blessings in my relationship with Tiffany is nothing short of a dream come true. Ever since Tiffany and I first began dating, I have believed that our relationship should be a blessing not only to ourselves, but also to our families, our friends, and others around us. And it has always been my prayer that God can use the story of our relationship to encourage others in an area that leaves so many people feeling hopeless or helpless. I really wish that people who heard our sharing last night are encouraged to seek God first, knowing that He cares for His children and lovingly provides for all our needs. And I wish that Tiffany and I will continue to do the same, striving to let our relationship give Him glory.

04/23: One benefit of having a lot of music projects to work on recently is that I also have a slightly more liberal budget when it comes to equipment upgrades. There is plenty of gear that I want to purchase in the long run, including a full-size keyboard and a travel-friendly monitor system. (The huge Roland amp that I "stole with permission" from UCLA simply takes too much work to carry around). But for now, I'll start with something small, which just showed up at my front door yesterday-

04/09: We live in a world where people often try to run away from past hurts, especially those caused by relationships. I believe that while it's good to avoid counterproductively dwelling on those things, in the end it's important to come to terms with the fact that everything - even bad things - takes place only because the sovereign God allows it to, and that He must have a way of bringing some sort of good out of it, even if we don't understand it until we're in heaven. Still, there are some potentially hurtful or awkward situations that can be avoided if a little more thought is put into them ahead of time. For example, I know of several instances in which someone invites their boyfriend or girlfriend to join family photos of major events such as baptisms, graduations, or weddings, only to eventually break up. It seems wrong to discard the pictures that capture such important moments, but it also seems wrong to keep them as constant reminders of the broken relationship.

From situations like this, I've learned to think more in the long run and be more considerate of how others may feel in similar times. No one wants to be the bad guy that tells people to get out of the picture as if assuming they would eventually break up, so it's up to the actual couple to exercise a little wisdom. For me, a practical display of this wisdom is to offer to take the group pictures when attending major events with Tiffany's family. Ever since I first got to meet and spend time with Tiffany's parents, I have been greatly humbled and amazed by how eager and willing they are to accept me as a member of their family. But I continue to pray, as I always have, that I will not fall into temptation to lose my guard and take their kindness for granted.

This past weekend has been quite a festive one, with an epic three-day celebration for Eric and Jen's wedding. A post-rehearsal dinner on Friday was followed by the ceremony and reception on Saturday and a second dinner reception last night, covering basically all bases from a cotton candy machine to a Chinese lion dance. I was greatly honored when they asked me to play piano for their big day, and as the day came closer, I often told Tiffany (both jokingly and seriously) that with my face in the background of her cousin's wedding pictures, our relationship has reached a point of no return.

It's not that I was thinking about turning back. But sometimes, the realization of the depth of our commitment to each other is still a little shocking. No less shocking was the fact that at both of the dinner receptions, I was placed at the family table and introduced to all the guests as part of the Tan family. It was an indescribably humbling experience. We all believe in the Biblical teachings about marital commitment and faithfulness, but Tiffany and I are still in a dating relationship, and it's technically not "wrong" to turn back. Again, I'm not at all saying that I have any intention to do so. But I'm simply in no position to deserve to be treated as I have been by Tiffany's family. And it brings me to my knees before God to realize once again just how faithful and generous He is to those who choose to seek and obey Him.

Of course, being at a wedding always prompts people to ask the question of who's next in line to tie the knot. And in this case, given how Tiffany and I have been dating for over two years already and that our commitment to each other is not unlike that of engaged or married couples, I'm definitely under a little bit of pressure. And that's definitely a good thing. I often say that I want to patiently seek God's will to know when to take the next step forward and not let any other voices cause me to lose focus. But I confess (as I already have to Tiffany before) that I'm nowhere near perfect in doing my part.

I must constantly remind myself that seeking God's will doesn't mean sitting and doing nothing until a booming voice from heaven tells me what to do. First, I must pray daily for our relationship, specifically in terms of being ready for marriage. Second, I must remember that while marriage will always involve working out problems, any ways in which I can grow now in character or practical life skills can reduce potential problems in marriage that will hurt Tiffany as much as it hurts me. I admit that while I have no doubt about the direction Tiffany and I are headed in, it's a little shocking sometimes to realize just how close marriage really is. That's why a little bit of pressure is a good thing. Being in touch with reality prompts me to think, pray, and act accordingly. As I often say, if I do my part, then I can have no doubt that God will do His part as well.

04/02: Just last week at BSF, we had studied Jesus' end times prophesies in Matthew chapter 24. I confess that when it comes to reading about Christ's return, I often dismiss it as something that should be left to scholars. It's partly because there are so many ambiguities in the prophesies that it seems like I won't be able to accomplish much. It's also partly because, to be honest, given how many generations have come and gone before me, the chances of witnessing the apocalypse in my own lifetime are quite slim. The Bible states that before the end, there will be natural disasters, persecution of believers, and wars among nations. It seems like every time a war breaks out or a major earthquake happens, somebody will start announcing to everyone that Christ is coming back. And given that the one thing Scripture says explicitly about the timing of Christ's return is that no one but God Himself knows when it will take place, I often dismiss those announcements as fanatical speculation and choose to continue living my day-to-day Christian life without thinking too much about the future.

That's exactly how I felt on Friday night as I was going about checking items off my to-do list. Yes, to give myself a little credit, some of those things had to do with God - contacting people regarding ministries, calling the brothers in my BSF group to pray for them, and more. But I never got around to most of those things before being not-so-kindly interrupted.

I remember sitting downstairs at the computer typing up some stuff. Suddenly the ground began to shake. Yes, this is good ol' California, and earthquakes are a regular occurence. But this one was a whole different animal. Everything happened in what felt like one of the longest ten-second spans in my life. The ground shook violently, then suddenly the intensity multiplied, everything came crashing down, and the whole world just went black.

It was the weirdest feeling ever. I'd heard about many major natural disasters across the world, but now suddenly I was standing in my own house (which, thankfully, was still standing), knowing that things must be in horrible condition but unable to see the extent of the destruction until I could maneuver my way through the darkness to the nearest portable light source. I called out to Grandma, who had just gone to sleep, and thankfully she was unhurt. Mom, who wasn't home, came back immediately to check on us. Out on our usually calm neighborhood street, cars passed by at unusually high speeds, undoubtedly driven by those desperate to see their loved ones. Some kind neighbors went outside to check on each other.

Amazingly, the Edison Company guys took care of the power outage in just a few minutes. The return of power suddenly brought to light all of the damage - broken bottles, shattered glass across the floor, shelves loosened from walls, and books and other objects all over the place.

03/27: One of the downsides of the industry I work in is that taking a day off usually means going crazy the next morning trying to get caught up. Thankfully, I'm not the kind of person that likes to randomly take time off work, and the only things that I have missed work for so far are occasions like conferences and court appearances that I can plan far ahead for. It's definitely not wrong to have some weekday fun every once in a while though. So rather than going to the office today, I spent the day at Sony Pictures Studios enjoying a live taping of Wheel of Fortune.

It was much more than just going to watch a live show though. For a very long time, Carol has been going through the screening process of becoming a contestant on Wheel of Fortune, which we have watched as a family since childhood. She figured it didn't hurt to try, and in the end her effort definitely paid off. Mom, Brandon, Aunt Amy, and I were the four lucky ones that got to witness her 30 minutes of fame in person. After a quick breakfast at a nearby McDonalds, we joined the other contestant guests at a designated area in the parking structure, where our guide gave us instructions and an overview of what the day would look like. Not far from us were two other groups of guests, one for Jeopardy and one for the Queen Latifah Show, both of which were filming in nearby studios. When the time came, we were led to the studio where our show would be taking place.

Being in the live audience of a TV show was definitely a new experience for me. For starters, here are a few interesting facts. First, audience participation is usually free, and all you need to do is sign up and wait for an available time slot. Second, pre-recorded shows like this are not necessarily filmed daily, even though they are broadcasted on TV one episode per day. In Wheel of Fortune's case, the day consisted of six tapings, the first five of which will be aired consecutively in the same week. Third, while the overall flow of the show is quite natural, it's quite frequent that some scenes, including audience participation, have to be re-recorded due to errors (both human and mechanical) on the first take. Apparently things are not always as perfect as they seem on TV!

Personally, I consider Wheel one of my favorite game shows to watch, thanks to its fair balance of luck and skill. While there is a diverse spectrum of puzzle categories ranging from topical (Show Biz, The 70's, etc.) to grammatical (Same Name, Before & After, etc.), the general English-speaking American public who have basic knowledge of our culture, regardless of age group, will find the answers familiar. But winning each round still requires great skill in thinking quickly, taking advantage of the game's features, and overcoming the fear of saying something stupid on national television. Another thing I like about the show is that in a sense, every contestant is a winner. Yes, only the one with the most money at the end gets to go to the Bonus Round. But every contestant gets to walk out with the amount they earned (or a $1,000 minimum). Sure, for those who fly in from out of state, the amount, much of which will end up being paid in taxes, may not be enough to cover the expenses of their trip. But even so, the opportunity to be on one of the county's longest-running and most popular game shows should make it worthwhile.

Each of today's 18 contestants didn't know who he/she would be competing against, or which of the six rounds he/she would participate in, until this morning. The contestants had their own designated seating area, and were specifically instructed to not make any contact or communication with other humans until their round was completed. The contestant guests also had our own seating area, and neither was in view of the cameras. Only when a contestant makes it to the Bonus Round are his/her guests are asked to move to the main audience section, where they get to enjoy a few seconds of waving to the camera. The audience seating area in the studio is much smaller than it appears on TV, but still large enough to make everyone feel excited and energetic, especially with all the fascinating illuminated decorations in the background that effectly convinced me that each session was actually a different "night".

Carol didn't get her turn to compete until the fifth round. In the mean time, Mom, Brandon, Aunt Amy, and I enjoyed watching the first four shows, with a break after the third for lunch. I often found my eyes staring at the little TV monitor screens as if watching the show at home and had to convince myself repeatedly that I was an idiot for doing so, since Vanna White was actually standing just a few meters away, touching those magical blocks one at a time to reveal the hidden letters. The hardest thing about sitting in the audience is resisting the temptation to call out answers. After all, that's what most people usually try to do when watching the show at home. We were supposed to remain quiet during the majority of the show, except when it was appropriate to applaud. And while there were a few less-than-intelligent individuals who repeatedly had trouble following directions, for the most part everything flowed quite naturally.

I don't know if the studio sprayed some kind of magical gas during our lunch break, but after lunch there was quite a dramatic change in the overall feel of the show. With everyone's stomachs satisfied, there was noticeably more energy in the room. As for the contestants and their guests, most of those who had already competed in the morning had left already, but some stayed to watch the rest of the show. It was clear that relationships had formed among some of them, and that they saw each other as more than merely competitors.

Of course, we all applauded each time someone spun the wheel or solved a puzzle correctly. But through interactions with each other prior to competing, some of the contestants had clearly earned the respect of others. One contestant who had already won a brand new car in the morning stayed to watch another contestant that she had befriended. As the contestant guest section decreased in size, most of us got to interact more with those sitting around us, cheering them on as their contestant competed. There was an increased sense of competition, but also an increased sense of camaraderie. In a sense, it was like watching real-life Hunger Games, just without any deaths.

It didn't really hit me that my own sister was about to play on a game show until I actually saw her sitting behind that colorful giant wheel. And it was the weirdest feeling hearing a dialogue between her and Pat Sajak - two familiar voices that seemed to belong in entirely different worlds. I suddenly realized that, for the first time in my life, the dollar amount fluctuating throughout the game is no longer just a number to gawk over, but rather one that impacts someone close to my heart. And given that people of the yellow-skinned and black-haired variety were clearly a minority in this audience, there was absolutely no question who we were there for. Watching Wheel of Fortune had never been such a nerve-wrecking experience.

I won't mention any names of the other contestants or give away answers to any of the puzzles, since the episodes have yet to be aired. But I admit it's very tempting to find ways to place bets on the puzzles or the winners, now that I, in a sense, know the future. As for how Carol did, let's just say she did a good job convincing the audience that this Asian-American ain't an easy butt to kick. And the final outcome of the round? Sorry to let you down now that you've read this far already, but watch the episode on May 23 (Friday) and see for yourself!

03/24: I recently heard a story about a lady who often passes by a kumquat tree while taking walks in her neighborhood. She has seen thousands of the golden fruits grow, ripen, fall to the ground, and rot. She had never met the neighbor who owns the tree, but her sorrow for the wasted kumquats grew, along with her desire to place one in her mouth. One day, she finally decided to take action. After knocking on the door and getting no response, she left a note with her information and walked away. Sure enough, the neighbor contacted her giving her permission to pick the fruits. Overjoyed, she invited her sister to join her, and the two of them returned home with an endless supply of kumquats.

The reason I'm telling this random story? Last week, I returned home one night and found this on the dining room table-

03/16: In John's Sunday School class this morning, we learned about God's love, one of many attributes of God that we have been examining. Unsurprisingly, the famous passage from 1 Corinthians 13 was quoted. I have always believed that God is love, that true love comes from God alone, and that the characteristics of love listed in 1 Corinthians are examples set by God that we should follow. But as we studied God's love together, I came to a shocking dilemma. How can we say that "love always hopes", "always perseveres", and "never fails" when there are so many people suffering in hell? Yes, God's love reaches out to everyone. But He is also just and cannot let sin go unpunished. God's love never changes or fails, but when a person chooses to reject it, then he stands outside the boundaries of its characteristics.

I concluded that while the essense of true love is unchanging, it takes two sides to carry out its full expression, one to give and the other to receive. This is true both in our relationship with God and in our relationship with other people. Recently there have been times in which I tried my best to express genuine love to others, only to be turned down. The love is still in my heart, but when the recipient rejects it, it becomes meaningless, clouded by other emotions and unable to be expressed.

Looking back now, I'm sure there have been countless times when I was on the other end too. Other people showed me love, but I responded by turning my back on them. Sometimes it could be intentional, and sometimes I may not even realize it. But one thing I know is that I don't want anyone - especially those who care for me - to feel the same way I did when my love was turned down.

It all boils down to the fact that every individual was created to be unique, with his/her own set of expressive languages that reflect how love is given and received. If someone tells me that they love me in a language I cannot comprehend, the words do not have any meaning to me. But even so, I should try my best to understand rather than let that expression go to waste. I know that there are many more people who love me than I often realize. In the same way, I know that there are many more people I love than they often realize. Whether love is expressed through words, actions, time, gifts, or any other means, it takes effort and willingness on both ends for it to reach its full potential.

03/11: I can be a real jerk sometimes. Everyone who has spent enough time with me knows that. I'm not trying to purposely put myself down or anything; being honest about my flaws is the first step to growing from them. And that's exactly what I want to do. Tiffany and I recently talked about how easy it is to find ourselves fallen into "panic mode" when overly frustrated. During those times, it becomes especially easy to neglect the feelings of others around us in favor of focusing on ourselves until our own problems are solved. We become so overwhelmed by what's immediately in front of us that we lose sight of the big picture. For me, I often point the blame to lack of sleep, headaches from staring at the computer screen too long, or situations that drive me crazy. Usually, my "panic mode" is triggered either by anger-invoking circumstances or by an overwhelming amount of things to do. But either way, I know that my tolerance for these things is way too low.

I think it's safe to say that everyone experiences these same struggles in one way or another. But it's through how we respond to them that our true characters are displayed. I will never forget when a physical education teacher in elementary school taught my class a word too big for our vocabularies at the time - "Sportsmanship". He gave us several clues to arouse our curiosity, and I was overjoyed to be the first one to figure out the word despite struggling with the English language as a recent immigrant. That was basically my only achievement in P.E. over the years (other than setting a record for pole climbing in junior high). For the most part, round moving objects and I never really got along. My basketballs always bounced off my own shoe, and my tennis balls either missed the racket or ended up in the parking lot (making me glad to stall time while retrieving it to avoid further humiliation). As a child, my failure to excel in sports or show any sign of improvement left me with no doubt that I was different from all the other boys. I was denied countless opportunities to have fun, make friends, and feel like I fit in with everyone else. But looking back now, what bothers me most is that I was denied priceless opportunities to develop and practice sportsmanship.

Maybe that's a big part of why I begin to panic whenever I feel like a loser. Maybe that's why I struggle with working in a team to accomplish common goals. Maybe that's why I have great trouble both apologizing to others when I wrong them and forgiving them when they wrong me, even for the smallest things. Like I mentioned earlier, these are issues that basically everyone struggles with in one way or another. But how is it that all the people around me seem to do a much better job of handling them than I can? It's not wrong to express our feelings and emotions. But most people know where to draw the line for the sake of relationships with others. I don't. The older I get, the more I believe that there must have been some kind of crucial developmental phase in my childhood that I missed out on. Maybe it's because I spent most of my life without a father figure. Or maybe it's because I barely had any friends. Or maybe it's really the sports. Whatever the reason, I turn myself into a monster, sometimes scaring even myself. And while I know without question that being like this brings me no joy and peace at the end of the day, I'm still stupid enough to do it all the time.

I know that being a Christian is not all about good behavior, and that believing in God doesn't magically make me a better person. But when my words, thoughts, and actions regularly reflect the very opposite of what I believe, the problem is clearly myself. Through the world around me, I see more and more of just how corrupt mankind is. It especially bothers me that so much of that corruption comes from fellow Christians. But as tempting as it is to point fingers, I know I have no right to judge. Sometimes, the corruption around me pulls me right into the mess. Other times, I'm greatly repelled and want nothing to do with it. But either way, I know that because I belong to Christ, I already have the greatest blessing I can ever ask for.

I confess that sometimes I'm tempted to compare myself to my co-workers and others I encounter on a regular basis, epsecially those who are close in age to me but seem to have it all together - Lots of money, nice houses, nice cars, lots of friends, constant praise from others... sometimes it's truly tempting to conclude that they have everything I've ever wanted growing up. And being in a dating relationship closer to marriage than ever before, I can't help but feel at least a little pressure to perform. That can definitely be a good thing. But when even very small amounts of pressure make me lose my mind, what am I supposed to do?

While spending time with God recently, I honestly checked my heart and examined my priorities, both with marriage and with work. I would love to be capable of providing for my family's every financial need. But most importantly, I want to be the husband who invests time in his family and leaves them assured that he will never turn his back on them. The two options are definitely not mutually exclusive, but thinking about them in such a way really helps me set my priorities straight. As for work, what I truly want is to be able to leave the office every evening knowing that I've done my best to treat my job as an act of worship to God. That includes the way I handle difficult situations, the thoughts that flow through my mind, and my interactions with my co-workers. As for my performance, I can rest assured that whether it's playing sports in elementary school or pleasing my boss with my job skills, God was, and always will be, in complete control. What an amazing sense of assurance! When I really come to think of it, out of all the people I see in the office, I wouldn't want to be anybody other than who I'm already so blessed to be.

And as for being a jerk when trapped in "panic mode", all I can say is that I'm totally sick of it. All of the insecurities, fears, and struggles behind it have been deeply ingrained in me for as long as I can remember. And the older I get, the more clearly I can see that if I give up this fight, some of the potential consequences are so dire that I don't dare speak of them. Sometimes I can't help but believe that if I were God, I would have either miraculously pulled out the roots of my problem or simply killed me off a long time ago to put an end to this mess, knowing how much worse it would get. After all, like I mentioned earlier, I often find my words, thoughts, and actions reflecting the very opposite of what I believe. But God is God, and I'm not. And I know that no matter how big my problems are or even how much I feel like they may "hurt" Him, He is always big enough and strong enough. I have to keep fighting. I have to keep trying, even if it seems like nothing is getting better. There has never been a single moment of this lifelong battle in which I escaped God's sovereignty. Somehow, He has a great purpose in all this.

Tiffany offered me a simple but incredibly precious piece of advice - Just breathe. The more I think about it, the more I find wisdom in such a seemingly basic solution. When I find myself starting to panic, it's my choice whether to let my circumstances control me or to find strength to see past them. Take a bathroom break. Park the car and walk around. Look away from the computer screen. Get out of the house. Gaze at the sky. Just breathe. Every breath contains a priceless reminder of the life God first breathed into us. Every breath is a gift, and not a single one deserves to be wasted. In every breath, there is great hope from the knowledge that the sovereign God sustains me and has a great purpose for me. And even if everything else in my life fails to satisfy me, that alone makes the battle worth fighting and my life worth living.

03/06: It's a little funny how my schedule tends to suddenly jump back and forth from extremely free to extremely busy. The former often tempts me to start slacking off and wasting time, while the latter leaves me frantically struggling to stay organized and get everything done as needed. Recently I found myself swamped with a flood of projects, mostly music-related, that make me eager to go home immediately after work so I can make as much progress as possible and still get a good night's sleep. It's stressful, but I'm definitely thankful; music is a special gift from God, and it's a great privilege to have opportunities to use it for purposes other than my own pleasure.

I'd rather be busy like this and feel productive at the end of each day than have way too much free time and feel like I'm just letting my life waste away. But I confess that during times like this, busyness can often become an idol that works against me. When my calendar gets a little too cramped, I tend to become excessively mechanical, often neglecting the feelings of people around me. As crazy as it may seem, sometimes it feels good to tell others that I'm too busy to do what they want me to do (even though I may simply be exaggerating my busyness in my own head). I'm definitely not alone; I know many people who seem to always enjoy giving me the impression that they're too busy for me. And ironically, it doesn't feel good.

It's kind of like blasting loud music while driving so others around can hear it. When I'm the one doing it, I feel like I'm on top of the world. But when people pull up next to me at a red light with loud music playing, I want to give them the bird. Knowing the huge gap between feelings on the giving end and on the receiving end, I have enough decency to lower my volume whenever I'm stopped next to other drivers. But apparently it's a lot more difficult when it comes to busyness. I know that it doesn't feel good to communicate with someone who always seems too busy and expects me to work around their schedule, but it's still so tempting for me to make others feel that way. Perhaps feeling busy somehow convinces myself that I'm more important and valuable, just as blasting music in the car makes me feel like I'm more worthy of attention. But in the end, I'm not only hurting others, but also hurting myself.

I recently told Tiffany that despite my busyness, I will make time to spend with her. It really made me think about how important it is to prioritize my time. I often tell myself that busyness and productivity are good things because they allow me to make the most out of the time God blesses me with, knowing that He doesn't intend for a single minute to be without purpose. But there's a huge difference between being busy and being a workaholic, and I must be careful not to cross the line. God wants me to spend my time not only productively, but also wisely, whether that means working on music, getting enough sleep, completing my work in the office, reading the Bible, serving my family, enjoying a date with Tiffany, or listening to a friend in need. It's important to know how to find a healthy balance of these things, and there are times when one may need to take much higher priority over others. But when I start setting priorities based on simply what I feel like, or when I entirely neglect something important because I can't get my mind off other things, then my focus is clearly in the wrong place. There's one thing I must always remember - God only expects me to do what He gives me enough time to do. With that in mind, I pray that my busyness will only prompt me to further seek wisdom from Him, growing stronger not only through the things I do, but also in character through my attitudes toward them.