06/30: As a child, my ideal birthday was one that was, in essence, all about me. I wanted to celebrate by spending an entire day doing everything I liked and nothing I didn't. French fries and no veggies. All play and no chores. Toys all over my room without having to clean up. Nobody telling me what to do. As for gifts, I loved Legos, K'Nex, puzzles, and other things that kept me busy and entertained for hours. And when all that was over, I wanted to simply relax and find joy in being myself. That was my view of a perfect day.

Fast forward about a couple decades, and the equivalent of what I once considered an ideal day is to take the day off work, sit at home, watch YouTube videos, and basically do nothing while letting others serve me. The interesting thing, though, is that such a day really doesn't appeal to me now. An unproductive day usually leaves me feeling unaccomplished and disappointed, knowing I have goals to meet and responsibilities to fulfill that I'm falling behind on. And even if I don't have to show up to work, everyone else will still have their daily lives to worry about. And even if everyone around me were to serve my desires, it would only make me feel spoiled, uncomfortable, and even useless.

I'm not a workaholic, but I believe that the desire to work, be productive, and feel accomplished was wired by God into me since the very beginning. Even while having fun as a child, whether it was drawing pictures, completing puzzles, building model cars, or turning Lego pieces into cities, I was actually reinforcing my inner desire to create and accomplish. And now, having been given many great blessings over the years- an education, a girlfriend, a job, and much more - those desires are as real as they ever have been before. And while the idea of spending most of my birthday working in the office may seem depressing, at the end of the day I feel much more like I'm being myself than I would if I really spent all day sitting around doing nothing.

I have to admit that 29 is a pretty scary number. Ever since I reached the quarter-century mark, every birthday still left me assured that I was solidly grounded in the mid-20's. But 29 seems to have a whole different connotation. I guess it's like how, when you buy something for $2.99, you basically think of it as $3.00. But the point isn't to dwell on the number itself, but rather to see that every new year is an opportunity from God to make the most out of whatever challenges He lets me face and whatever blessings He chooses to pour out on me.

In the past, birthdays were often preceeded by several days, and even weeks, of eager anticipation. But it feels like the older I get, the faster time passes by. I didn't really get the sense that my birthday was coming up until I woke up on Saturday and realized it was the day of the big dinner party at Lucille's that Tiffany and Ken had so graciously planned for me. And after eight hours in the office today, I had basically forgotten that it's my birthday until Mom, Grandma, Tiffany, and I went out for some sushi at Akasaka, followed by a surprise visit from Carol with a delicious homemade ice cream cake. As quickly as it all came, it will disappear tomorrow morning when I wake up, and everything will suddenly go back to normal. But the important thing isn't to idealize my birthday or to make every day feel like a birthday for as long as possible, but rather to seize the opportunity to remember the blessings in life that are often taken for granted. I never ask for gifts, but each time someone makes an effort to acknowledge me, it reminds me of the precious friendships and relationships in my life that no money can buy. And I'm deeply grateful for everyone who contributed to making this birthday such a memorable one.

Every new year has its share of uncertainties, and I know that this one will bring about many big changes, which I'm both scared of and excited for. Despite being uncomfortably close to the three-decade mark, I know that there are fresh new chapters in this life story that still await me. And each challenge along the way is an opportunity to grow and prepare for the adventures contained in those chapters. If I had one birthday wish, it would be to continue putting my faith in God, even in difficult times, letting Him write each page of this story according to His will.

06/26: It's a strange feeling coming to terms with the fact that the sum of the things I've done wrong in my life is more than what my whole life is actually worth. That's what has led me to wonder if there's any good reason for my existence. Yes, people tell me their lives will not be the same without me. But my emotions have become so dried up that even love seems to bounce right off my back, leaving me unaffected. There have been many moments when I wanted to cause the world around me to suffer just to feel like I fit in a little better. But the funny thing is that each time I was tempted to do something irrational, there was always a better reason to restrain myself. God is still in control, and at this point I have only two options - faith or death.

Maybe the real problem is that I'm being too prideful, though it's especially hard to admit when there are constantly people around me that seem far more self-absorbed than I am. I hate seeing people around me that I care about suffer because of things I've done wrong. On one hand, I know that I could not have prevented my mistakes and that God is sovereign over every situation. But on the other, it would be wrong of me to shove the blame to the unpredictable and the supernatural and excuse myself of my own actions. What I need now is wisdom to discern the difference between selfish pride and God-given responsibility, between speaking what's on my heart and putting others down, between being trapped in the guilt of my past and standing strong as a man of character and integrity.

I believe that character and integrity, rooted in a deep and unwavering faith, are the exact things God is teaching me right now. And even though I have no idea what surprises, both good and bad, each new day will bring, I must do my part to stay on guard and seek wisdom to respond to each and every situation, even when it feels like all hope is lost. Every day is a gift from God, and I pray that nothing in this world will convince me otherwise.

06/24: Faith requires action. I've learned that lesson at BSF, largely in relation to my decision to be a group leader. Who would have guessed that just over a month after the fellowship ended, there would be so many ways in which I'm challenged to apply that lesson to my current life? Right now, it seems like there's a huge gap between where I currently am in life and where I see myself in the near future. The picture is still quite blurry (though more clear than it has been in previous weeks), and I know that unless I get up on my feet and take some action, I'm never going to get very far from where I am now. There are more major decisions to make and major problems to solve now than there ever has been at a single point in my life. But sometimes, it's during times when I'm overwhelmed that I learn to have the most faith. When small things that frustate or challenge me happen, my tendency is to fight back with my own strength, often making things worse in the process. But when I'm faced with situations that are far bigger than what I'm able to grasp, I come to terms with the fact that there's no greater source of strength and peace than the God who is sovereign over all things. That's why I believe the wheel has finally started to turn now after sitting still for far too long. The momentum will come, but in the mean time, every little push still matters. Every moment is a God-given opportunity to grow stronger, and I must do my best to make the most out of it.

06/15: At last, a long-overdue epic picture update. And by epic I mean over 20 categories and over 400 pictures, from last fall all the way up to now. With the whole afternoon and night free to myself, I figured I might as well get all this stuff done. It definitely also helps get my mind off a lot of things that I'm worrying too much about even though worrying won't help. Thanks to a very encouraging and applicable sermon from Pastor Ken this morning, I feel like I have much more reason to keep on having faith. I spent a lot of time at the "Secret Place" on the way home from church and talked out loud to God about all the things on my mind. I know that He's real, that He's fully in control and fully sufficient, that He forgives me of all my mistakes and gives me strength to go forward, and that He will work everything out for good. But why is it that He seems so distant? Tomorrow begins a new week of work, and only time will tell what new surprises await me...

06/13: I spent some time earlier this evening playing with my dog in the backyard. It really made me think, wouldn't it be great if I were born a dog? I'm always loved and people make sure I have food to eat and water to drink every day. I can do whatever I want to do - sleep, play, eat, run around, whatever makes me happy. Yes, I get disciplined when I do something wrong. But in the end, nobody will hold anything against me. Living in the luxury confines of the house and yard, I can be happy and carefree with no worries, no regrets, and no stress. And when the time comes for me to take my last breath, I just lay my head down, close my eyes, and, well, that's it. Sure, it would be cool to spend eternity in heaven. But why would heaven and hell even matter when I simply seize to exist after death and have no eternity to worry about at all?

I know this sounds a little crazy, but at that moment, I began complaining to God about why He chose to make me a human rather than, say, a dog, or a bird, or a tree, with a much simpler purpose to fulfill. Weighed down by having to bear an eternal soul, I have no good choice but to go through all of the challenges that human life throws at me. Sure, there are plenty of ways in which I consider my life a huge blessing. But sometimes when I see all the mistakes I've made, the problems I've caused, the responsibilities I must bear, and the threat of more trouble in the future, I can't help but simply believe that this world would be a much better place without me. If only there were a way for me to just disappear, remove my existence, and make right all the things that I've done wrong and all the things I will eventually do wrong...

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I know that some crazy things are happening and will probably lead to some major decisions and some very big changes. Some very crazy things have definitely happened already, and I'm still having trouble trying to wrap my head around it all without going insane. I feel like I've been put on a roller coaster blindfolded, knowing that there are going be wild twists and turns but not knowing when they will come or what direction they will lead me in. So far, there are many ways in which things are definitely not heading in the direction I want them to, and some situations are so severe that I feel like my very existence only serves to bring pain to myself and those around me.

Maybe that's why I wish I were a dog instead. I know this is a little extreme, but right now I really think I can honestly say that if it weren't for God, I would already be making plans for my exit. Yes, there are people that I will miss dearly and people that will dearly miss me. But the truth is that people die every day and new people are born every day. That's just how life on earth works, and there's no way around this system. Now before you go call the police to raid my house and send me to get psychological help, rest assured - I'm not going to hurt myself. I know without doubt that God exists, and that alone means that my existence has a purpose that's worth fulfilling. Still, I suddenly find it a lot easier to relate to those crazy people we see on the news who go on massive shooting sprees before pointing the gun at themselves, all to prove a specific point that they feel will not be clearly heard otherwise. It may be to point out a flaw in a particular area of society, to express extreme discontent with a specific form of injustice, to show the world that it has lost its chance to offer pity or compassion, or simply to put on a show and have some fun before bringing an end to very deep and seemingly incurable personal struggles. And right now, I can relate to all of those things.

Again, don't worry - I know all this sounds a little scary, but I'm not going to do anything stupid to myself or to people around me. Yes, I'm so burdened by guilt, confusion, frustration, and anxiety that I'm about to explode. But even so, there's a deep sense of peace inside that keeps me going. It just happened to be that Tiffany and I met up with Pastor Ken for a casual chat earlier this week, during which we talked about discerning God's will through experiencing deep peace when making decisions. The problem is that there are so many things in this world - physical attraction, spirit-lifting beverages or substances, inspirational pieces of art, and more - that can easily cause similar feelings. So how can I tell what's God and what's not? As I've experienced in the past, one good way to discern God's will is to begin with seeking a right relationship with Him on a daily basis. I remember last summer when Tiffany went to Indonesia for two weeks. I spent a lot of time seeking God during that time, and when situations came up where I had to make bold decisions and say words that I'm normally afraid to say, I felt a deep sense of peace and assurance. Those situations involved some major decisions I was wrestling with, and I was blessed with discernment regarding where God wanted me to stand in each decision at the time.

I'm glad to say that in these past several weeks, I've been more aggressive and passionate about my relationship with God than I've been in a long time, even while being a group leader at BSF. Maybe it was out of desperation or fear, but either way I'm sure my commitment to seeking God daily is playing a crucial role in the battles I face now. To be honest, from a logical standpoint I have absolutely no reason to feel any sort of peace right now. Yet even when staring at my frighteningly larger-than-life problems face to face, I'm able to remain calm knowing that I'm simply a character in this series of stories in which my job is not to know everything or be perfect at everything, but simply to obey God, the flawless author and director. In the end, I will be beyond thankful for the privilege of having been part of it. And until then, I pray for the courage and wisdom to stand up and fight each battle as an act of obedience to Him.

06/07: Window Regulator Update

After an epic morning at Cars & Coffee Irvine and Lamborghini Newport Beach's monthly meet with two McLaren P1's, a Mansory Veyron, and a Saleen S7 at the same place at the same time(!), it was time to realign myself with the humbling fact that each of those cars is probably worth about a hundred times more than my own car, especially given that my car was still missing a whole interior door panel and had no working windows. Thankfully, the window regulator/motor unit that I ordered online had just arrived yesterday, so hope was not too far way. It was simply a matter of installing it and finding out whether or not it would work.

05/30: As much as I hate to admit it, my car is already over a decade old. And while I still consider it a great blend of design, power, comfort, and efficiency that suits my needs very well, it's definitely starting to show its age more and more, both inside and out. Aside from smaller issues like a broken sun visor and failing clear coat on several body panels, an incredibly loud and annoying squeak recently appeared from the driver's side rear wheel - something I have to get fixed soon before it gets even worse. Given the car's age, I often find myself torn between spending money improving its current condition and saving up for a new car. But won't deny that there's one thing I'm falling in love with more and more about having an old car - when things break, I'm not afraid to take it apart, explore what it's made of, and learn from my experience (and mistakes).

Case in point - my latest project. Long story short, last weekend I was closing the window while getting on the freeway, and I heard a loud bang, and then the whole window mechanism died. It really wouldn't have been a big problem if it weren't for the fact that the window wouldn't even stay up anymore, so I had to shove my palm against it to hold it in place until I got home. My first temporary solution was a set of handy little fabric stickers to hold the window up until I could think of a better plan. It seemed like a great plan at first, until I came out of the office on Monday evening and realized that my window was half down. Apparently those stickers didn't enjoy sitting out in the heat all day. Thankfully, this is generally a pretty safe area, so even if I leave my car unattended with the windows down, chances are nothing will be stolen. Still, it's not a smart thing to do. So when I got home, I had no choice but to immediately proceed with plan B - take the friggin' door apart.

This is definitely my most ambitious car-related project so far; in the past, the craziest thing I'd done was switch a headlight bulb. But thanks to an incredibly useful guide called YouTube, I already knew exactly what to expect when I got to work. It was simply a matter of whether or not I actually had the skills and tools required to do what must be done.

05/26: It's almost midnight, and I really should not be awake right now given I need to wake up early for work tomorrow morning. But my mind is flooded by an endless stream of thoughts regarding so many big things that seem to become more clear each time I think about them. Maybe it's because I've probably had more beers in these past couple days than I have in any given weekend, thanks to wonderful friends who decided to take advantage of Memorial Day weekend and throw barbecue parties. But in all honesty, I really needed to let go of some stress. And this three-day weekend has been a desperately-needed opportunity to step out of my daily life, relax a little, and think about things from a bigger perspective. I've talked to a several people and received blessings and prayers, and there are still countless thoughts, ideas, and doubts in my head that need to be sorted out. Tomorrow morning, I will wake up and realize that the weekend is over and it's time to return to my usual 8-to-5 office routine. God only knows how much mental energy I'll have left by the end of the day to think beyond the present. It seems like any day and any moment now, things can take crazy and unexpected turns. I don't know when, where, or how, but I'm more and more certain that something is going to happen, and that there are going to be a lot of major changes in my life in the near future. Each time I realize just how big this ocean is, I find myself surprised that I'm able to feel so much at peace, with so much hope to remain strong. I just have to continue grabbing on with faith in God and wisdom to recognize His voice.

05/23: Doubt can be very dangerous. Doubting myself can destroy my confidence. Doubting others can ruin relationships. Doubting situations can cause me to lose faith in God. But sometimes doubt is the beginning of change, the door that leads to a new era of hope. Doubt, when brought before the Lord, can lead to some truly honest and life-changing prayers. Some blessings are meant to last for a lifetime, and others are meant to last for many generations. Still others are only temporary, and if my focus is not on God when their time expires, I will find myself trapped in an idolatrous confusion. I've made that mistake in the past, and I have prayed since then that I will not make that mistake again.

Four years ago as I underwent a period of great transformation, I learned about the power of discontentment that can fuel change that leads to otherwise hidden blessings. Recently I've been experiencing an increasing sense of discontentment. Maybe it's because of my own selfish desires not being met, or maybe it's a healthy sense of ambition. Either way, I'm forced to fall on my knees and be brutally honest with God about how I feel. The funny thing - which I always end up realizing once I'm brought to my knees - is that God already knew everything all along. And when I really think about it, I come to the conclusion that I already know the answer to my own prayer. Seek Him first. It's a lesson that I have learned (and been overwhelmingly blessed by) many times, and I've even had opportunities to share it with others in my testimony. But it's amazing how difficult it is to actually put to practice when the waters get rough. I know I'm supposed to look to God first. But when struggling to survive, it's hard not to panic, especially upon realizing that there may not be much time left before I drown.

To be honest, I've probably wrestled with the way I feel now for years already. But somehow, this time things seem different. In the past, I've thought about burning bridges and setting cities ablaze, and it was by the grace of God I blew out the torch and put it down. But this time - a time in which my wrestling is inconvenient and seems anything but appropriate - there is peace, and there is hope. For each time I have been wronged, I have full confidence that a split second before God will humble those who have wronged me beyond what they can imagine. And for each time I have been blessed despite my faults, I know that He will pour out His blessings many times more. Is my present doubt only my wishful thinking in the midst of frustration, or is it really the beginning of a new chapter in which God will open my eyes to see a greater picture?

Either way, there will be some deep waters to tread, and I don't know how long it will be before I find dry land. The truth is that I really have no idea where I am, and the more I try to figure it out, the more I find myself weighed down by the immense size of the ocean and the threat of drowning. But it's becoming more and more clear that perhaps I belong somewhere else, and for the first time I can say so believing that it's not because anyone in particular is right or wrong, but simply because we're different. My eyes were once fixed on the present, my hopes set on breaking free from the chains that hold me down. But now, my eyes are set on the future, like there is a glorious new world waiting for me to discover and set foot on for the first time. There I will see that freedom was only the beginning, and that the fight for freedom has only brought me to a greater awareness of God's immeasurable blessings. May He who has led me this far continue to lead me according to His will.

05/18: Most people in my life know that I'm a car freak, but don't really understand exactly what my hobby entails. That's because I rarely talk about it to anyone, knowing that once I start, I'll eventually drive them nuts because I won't shut up. (Trust me, it's happened many times before). The only time I really openly talk about my passion for exotic cars is at car events (shows, meets, etc.), simply because when people go to car events, it's only natural that they expect to be chatting about cars.

Today I went straight to Old Town Pasadena after church to catch the Concorso Ferrari on Colorado Boulevard. Those who have been to the annual event know that the best part comes at the end (around 3:00), when all 100+ Ferraris fire up their engines and drive away together onto the surrounding streets. As always, I went early enough to spend some time looking at all the cars on display, picking out the most special ones, and collecting some photos and videos here and there before the clock struck 3:00. Once the majority of cars were gone, I would run over to the west block to catch some of the rare cars get loaded into their transporters. There are always a few other individuals with me, and that's when the casual car-talk conversations begin. Some people had just arrived in Old Town to hang out and were surprised to see Ferraris on trucks, not knowing that an epic car show had just taken place. Others were owners or helpers who decided to stick around longer than necessary. Some car guys are multimillionaire collectors, some are track geeks that build their own rides, and some are simply spectators who appreciate things with four wheels. It's always a little hard to tell who's who until you start a conversation.

As I watched the last car (a gorgeous blue Aston Martin Rapide S) get driven into its transporter, a fellow Asian-American stood beside me, and we exchanged a few words about the car. He then walked away, but when he turned around from a distance and saw me heading in the same direction, he stopped and waited for me. Somehow, he sensed that there was something (aside from our ethnicity and our love for cars) that we had in common.

As we walked together down Colorado Boulevard, now devoid of cars since it was not re-opened to traffic yet, he told me he especially loves Porsche 911's. We talked about other car events both past and future, and he was blown away when I told him about my encounter with the 918 Spyder at Cars & Coffee Irvine. He asked me about my dream car, and I gave my usual response, stating that it would depend on where I live and how many cars I can own. Realizing that he was a very down-to-earth guy, I told him honestly that while it would be nice to own an exotic car someday if I can afford one without it being a huge burden, it's simply not one of my top priorities in life. Our conversation was comfortable enough that we exposed our ages to each other - it turns out we're both older than each other expected, and even though he's almost two decades older than me, I would never have guessed. (Sometimes it's great to be Asian!)

I told him that I graduated from UCLA, but jokingly admitted that there isn't much money to me made with my degree in music. When he asked me more about music, I told him that I have a full-time office job but do music on the side, mostly for fun or to serve my church. That's when his eyes suddenly lit up. He asked if I am a believer in Jesus Christ, and we discovered at last why we both had the feeling that we had something deeper in common than simply being car freaks. But unlike other people I've seen at previous Conocorsos who talked about their "faith" by standing on street corners and screaming that people are going to hell, Jim (we finally decided to actually introduce ourselves) wasn't there to preach or rebuke, but simply to enjoy seeing Ferraris, just like I was.

We began to share with each other the great joy we have experienced in putting our faith in Jesus and trusting Him with our lives and our futures, whether it involves nice cars or not. I told him that the things I value most in my life - my family, my girlfriend, my job, my church, etc. - are all gifts from God that I don't deserve but have been overwhelmingly blessed with. He jokingly (but seriously) asked me if I went to church in the morning (as opposed to ditching to be at the show), and I gladly told him that I had gone to church first, then came to the show. He had done the same too. Honestly, I've missed countless epic car events over the years simply because they took place on Sunday morning. But each time I make that decision, it reminds me of the importance of not only keeping my priorities straight, but also remembering the Source of true contentment.

Jim told me the story of how he first discovered his love for cars, and it's a story I don't think I'll ever forget. One day, he was watching a friend work on the body of a classic Porsche 356. The body was not yet painted, and was nothing more than an empty shell. But suddenly his imagination was opened, and he saw the car in its complete form, with wheels, an engine, and an interior, a beauty from both an aesthetic and a mechanical standpoint. He described how, at that moment, he looked past the car itself and set his mind on its maker - not just the people who built it, but the God who was behind it all. It was God, sovereign over all things, who first gave Ferdinand Porsche the ability to dream up the 356 and turn it into a reality.

My eyes lit up. Never in my life had I met anyone else who truly understands my passion for cars. To most people, it may appear that a hobby like this is all about being materialistic or envious. And sadly, to many people, being a car freak often boils down to simply wishing to have what others have. To me, however, seeing and hearing an exotic car is like gazing at a famous painting or sculpture. Rather than idolizing it and wishing to take possession of it, I look past it and see the God who gives mankind the knowledge and skills to build it. God could have given Adam and Eve a Ferrari in the Garden of Eden if He wanted to. But it took over 2,000 years for people to develop the ability to create such masterpieces. And that only serves to show a glimpse of just how wise and how powerful our Creator truly is. He gives and He takes away. His ability to bless is limitless, and He only intends to do what's best for His children.

Usually after a car show like this, my primary focus would be getting back home so I could start editing videos. But as Jim and I stood in front of a random store engaging in our conversation, it seemed like time had stopped. The more we talked, the more it seemed like we were helping each other verbalize our deepest thoughts. I had always known that my hobby has positive intentions. But for the first time ever, I felt like this part of my life that I usually keep silent about has been understood and affirmed. I gladly told Jim that when I attend car events while remaining rooted in the Source of true joy, I believe that I'm really one of the happiest people there.

It eventually came time to say goodbye and part paths. At that point, there were two things that we both knew for sure. First, it was God's divine intention for us to meet today so we could be a great encouragement to each other. Second, in accordance with His timing, we will certainly meet again. I sure hope that it will be soon. Throughout my journey as a car spotter, I have met many acquaintances and a few friends. But today, I can gladly say that, for the first time, I have met a brother.

05/16: For almost as long as I remember, I have been more or less working in the teaching/tutoring industry. I still have faint memories of a music student's dad having to swing by my house to give me a ride to the school I was teaching at since I had just gotten my driver's license and didn't have a car yet. Throughout my college years, most of my income came from teaching music or tutoring math on the weekends. After graduating, I slowly allowed tutoring to become a full-time job, until I decided to pursue a more stable office job. I have already been working at my current office job for about three-and-a-half years, but what most people don't know is that throughout this time I've never completely let go of tutoring, thanks to a single student that I have had the privilege of investing in for many years.

When I was first referred by a friend to tutor Alyssa in math, she was only in junior high. During that time, I was nearing the peak of my tutoring career. When business eventually declined and I began focusing my energy on working in the office, my plan was to commit to the students I still had until that schoolyear ended, since many of them were graduating anyway. But I ended up returning to tutor Alyssa week after week for several reasons. First, their house is just minutes from mine, so the commute is convenient. Second, despite my busy schedule (and her understandably busy schedule as an athlete), we are able and willing to be flexible when it comes to scheduling, even if it means we meet on different days/times each week or skip a week once in a while. Last but not least, tutoring Alyssa leaves me with a sense of great joy and fulfillment - something that every teacher/tutor desires.

Alyssa is not only smart, but also eager to learn. When students are unprepared or unresponsive, teachers often struggle with gauging their progress or end up feeling unproductive. But whether we're going over homework questions, preparing for a test, studying past topics, or previewing future lessons, Alyssa maintains a positive attitude that always results in a clear understanding of the topic. As a result, I find great joy in spending time tutoring her, and always leave their house feeling very accomplished.

Tiffany often tells me that one thing she loves about being a youth worker (at church) is being able to invest in other people's lives and watch them grow up over the years. Looking back at these past several years with Alyssa, I finally have a glimpse of what she means. We first began somewhere around pre-algebra, going over the basic concept of variables. From there, we journeyed through geometry, trigonometry, and countless other topics, some of which were much harder to master than others (darn those proofs!). Finally, we arrived at calculus, a step that was both daunting and enlightening, since it ties together many topics from previous years with a fresh new perspective. Aside from math, we also occasionally discussed various topics such as choosing classes in high school, advantages and disadvantages of honors programs, and writing college application essays. I'm glad to say that she has been accepted into APU to pursue a career in nursing, and I believe that she has a very bright future to look forward to.

I just returned home from Alyssa's house after our final tutoring session before her final. As far as I can see, this marks the end of our academic walk together. Even if I end up helping her with college-level math, which I already told them honestly that I'm not all that good at, we will probably not be meeting on a regular basis like we have been over the past several years. This also means that, for the first time since back when I was younger than Alyssa is right now, tutoring is no longer a regular part of my life.

One thing I've always believed is that a good teacher (or tutor) must always have the humble attitude of a good student, eager to learn and grow both in knowledge and in experience. Over the years, I've probably learned more from working as a tutor than my students have learned from me. Whether it's remembering academic knowledge, pinpointing a student's specific strengths and weaknesses, communicating with their parents, or encouraging them in times of frustration to do their best while reminding myself to do the same thing, I have learned countless lessons that I still apply every day to life and my current job. I have lost count of how many students I've had over the years, but I hope to someday cross paths with them again and see how much they have grown. It has been a huge blessing to be part of their lives, whether for just a few weeks or for many years, and I hope and pray both for them and for myself that God will write each story in our lives according to His will.

05/13: At the beginning of our BSF study of Matthew back in September, one of my biggest struggles was maintaining a humble and teachable attitude. Having spent most of my life as a Christian and read the book of Matthew many times, I knew that the only way to make the most out of this year's study was to keep an open mind and open heart, knowing that God's Word is full of lessons to learn and apply, no matter how many times I've read it. Just like in previous years, I also joined the musical worship team, serving the fellowship and serving God through playing piano. For the most part, everything seemed rather ordinary, until a few weeks into the study when I was asked to consider being a discussion group leader.

I'll begin by saying that this decision has been one of the most humbling experiences in my life in terms of ministry. The group I was assigned to ended up being the group I was already part of, since Sam (our original leader) had to step down due to job obligations beyond his control. I'm not sure if that actually made things easier or harder for me, but at least I didn't have to start from scratch and learn everybody's names one by one. Being a group leader meant that I had to give up my position in the musical worship team due to scheduling conflicts. I knew that music was something I'm gifted at and enjoy serving God with, and I'm not stranger to people who have fallen away from the faith because of unwise leaders who assigned them to ministries they were unsuited or unprepared for. So why did I say yes to being a group leader? Because I was confident through my experiences with BSF that Steve and Tina did not choose me out of desperation or for personal gain, but rather out of obedience to God. And I, too, should respond out of obedience.

That's why being a group leader was so humbling. I really had no qualifications other than the fact that I was a "good student" who finished my lesson every week. I was not particularly knowledgable about the Bible, and I was definitely not gifted in leading conversations or facilitating discussions. Growing up with neither a father nor a long-term discipler, I had no idea on how to be a man after God's heart, not to mention lead other men to do the same. While playing piano in a worship team is something I can get away with using my own abilities, being a group leader forces me to depend fully on God.

One of the biggest lessons I've learned from this year's study of Matthew is that faith requires action. The man with leprosy (Matthew 8:1-4) and the bleeding woman (9:18-20-22) came to Jesus publicly despite being ceremonially unclean . The paralytic, though helpless on his own, was brought to Jesus by his friends (9:1-8). Jesus fed the five thousand (14:13-20) and four thousand (15:29-39) using the seemingly little food that the disciples entrusted to him. Looking back now, that's exactly what I did too. God called me to do something that seemed crazy, and even though I thought what I had was insufficient, by faith I allowed Him to lead me to do it.

Now that this year's study is over, I can still confidently say that all of my leadership disqualifications that I listed earlier are still true. I didn't magically become good at being a group leader by any means. And there were several times when I really felt like I should have done better, and that the group suffered due to my weak leadership. But I came to understand more and more that true success isn't measured by how people respond to my leadership, but by the depth of my faithful obedience to God. I would usually arrive at BSF early on Tuesday nights and spend some time in prayer, both for my group members and for myself. And each time I prayed, I was reminded that it was through Him alone that I could find strengh to do what was impossible by my own means. God didn't expect me to be a good leader by the world's standards. Peter wasn't exactly gifted in or experienced with walking on water when Jesus told him to step out of the boat. His action was not based on his own confidence or his own abilities, but out of obedience to God. And in the same way, as a BSF group leader God simply expected me to act in obedience to Him week after week, letting Him lead the way.

And what a huge blessing it has been! Through leading my group, participating in our leaders' meeting every Monday night, and attending special events like our leadership retreat in February, I've come to see a much larger picture of what it means to study God's Word in a group setting. I don't consider myself particularly knowledgeable or studious, especially in the context of leadership. But that only serves to help me maintain the humble attitude that I've prayed for since the beginning. And I've become more thankful than every before to have the privilege of playing a role in a ministry that uses the Word of God to impact the whole world.

I hope and pray for all the members of my group, that even though we're not officially in the same group anymore, we will continue to lift each other up in prayer and have opportunities to keep in touch and share God's continuing work in our lives. Those who were at our final class meeting last week know that there are some changes taking place in our fellowship next year that are not easy to accept. But may we remember that God is still sovereign, and that when we bring our doubts and concerns to Him, He will give us assurance that He truly is "the Christ, the Son of the living God" (Matthew 16:16). As far as I can see, my commitment to being a leader at BSF has not changed. And as long as I continue to actively obey God's calling out of faith, I can rest assured that He will give me the strengh, wisdom, and courage I need to accomplish each task according to His will.

05/07: I missed the McLaren P1. TWICE. Actually, make that three times. The gorgeous azure blue P1 made an appearance at Lamborghini Newport Beach's April meet, then at Cars & Coffee Irvine. Any idiot following the local exotic car scene could have figured that there was a good chance it would appear again this past weekend's Lambo NB meet. But no, I decided to skip out again.

To be fair, I had very good reasons to miss both the April and the May meets; there were more important events later in the day that were worth saving my energy for. Still, it's frustrating to know that I was technically just sitting at home (or refusing to get out of bed) in the morning and could have been there. That's the life of a car spotter. Sometimes, you choose your battles. Other times, the battles choose you. In the end, you simply can't have it all, unless you basically sell your life to the car world and obsessively cover every event at the expense of your social life.

Given that the McLaren P1 costs over a million bucks, God only knows if I'll ever have another chance to see one. (Its predecessor, the McLaren F1, has been around for over two decades, and I haven't seen a single one). But hey, summer's coming soon, and that means there are plenty of opportunities for surprises. It's my choice whether to rejoice over what I've caught or complain about what I've missed. Given that the Concorso Ferrari in Pasadena is just over a week away, I have lots to look forward to. Sure, there probably won't be a LaFerrari there. But given that the Porsche 918 and McLaren P1 have both made appearances at Cars & Coffee recently, maybe it won't be impossible to see one after all.

05/02: Standing on stage behind my keyboard, I didn't feel much different from how I usually feel playing at concerts - both nervous and excited, with an eagerness to engage with the audience and other musicians without letting the pressure get the best of me. But it was hard not to feel pressured. After all, we were standing on the same stage once occupied by Yellowcard, Tupac, and countless other great musicians.

The opportunity to perform at the Sunset House of Blues was definitely no accident, and I'm always amazed at how, even when things like this happen out of the blue (pun intended) with shockingly little time to decide, Rajeev is able to pull together a band of about a dozen people. Aside from the fact that we are probably the most ethnically diverse band in the history of rap music, we come from a wide spectrum of life stages, college degrees, and careers. But there are two things that unite us all - our love for music and our love for God.

I had never been to the House of Blues prior to this show, and in all honesty, I didn't even know it was a big deal until I mentioned it to people and their eyes suddenly lit up in amazement. In preparation for the show, I looked up the venue on YouTube and watched a few random videos of other artists' performances. They were undoubtedly exciting, but I couldn't help but be bothered by the fact that most of the songs were either excessively self-glorifying or downright demonic.

Our "Jeevo & Friends" show was a different story though. This night was definitely not marketed as a "Christian" event. We didn't ask people to close their eyes and pray or lift their hands in worship, and we wouldn't have done so even if it was not politically incorrect. But we spent some time praying upstairs in the Green Room, knowing how precious of an opportunity this was. (How many times have musicians gathered for a time of prayer throughout the history of that Green Room?) All three artists - Jeevo, Daryl Black, and Je'Kob - are followers of Jesus, and most (of not all) of their band members share the same belief. We sat around, joked around, looked over our set lists, and took a few selfies, preparing our minds and hearts for the show without overthinking it. Time flew by, and before we knew it we were standing on the stage, surrounded by fog and colorful lights.

During the show, some danced and others drank, probably no differently than they would at other shows in venues like this. But at the end of the night, our songs are designed not to make people feel self-sufficient, angry, or unrealistically optimistic. Instead, they offer hope rooted in the true and living God. I can't help but wonder if some people in the crowd came simply to enjoy the Sunset Strip night life, not knowing what to expect. And just as I prayed prior to the show, I continue to pray that those people, whether believers or not, will find life-changing strength in the messages behind the songs.

I tend to be quite a Nazi when it comes to rehearsals, minimizing the time it takes to get to where we need to be as a group knowing that everyone (including myself) has busy schedules to work around. But while preparing for this show in past weeks, I found myself wishing that we had more rehearsals to run through our set and work out some details, because it was clear that with each run-through we were improving dramatically, both in our own parts and in our teamwork. Given how little time we had to practice, the outcome actually wasn't too bad. The bigger problem was that with the little time we had to soundcheck, it was tough to get all the monitor levels where we needed them to be, which made it hard for us to hear each other during the show. Still, those who heard the performance from offstage said it wasn't all that bad. After all, the House of Blues has a $500,000 sound system.

The show was on Wednesday night, and even now I'm still trying to get caught up on sleep. I guess I'm really not as young as I used to be. Still, a special event like this was definitely worth staying up past 1:00 AM for. Thanks to everyone who came out, whether to support us or simply to enjoy the show. I hope there will be more opportunities like this in the future.