04/27: Change is coming. Change is coming fast. A part of me has been anticipating these things for what seems like forever, but it's still crazy that everything is actually happening. In the next several weeks, much of life as I know it now is going to be completely transformed. I'll leave the freight forwarding industry after over five years and start a new job in downtown Los Angeles. I'll finish this year's BSF study of Revelation and resign from being a discussion group leader. I'll complete my first term of teaching the adult Sunday School class at church. Also, I'll perform at a rap and hip-hop concert. Oh, and my first album of original music should be available on iTunes any day now.

I've kept pretty quiet about most of these things until now, largely because of two reasons. First, there were many hurdles to overcome before things came anywhere close to fruition, and I didn't want to get too far ahead of myself. Second, countless hours of prayer had to take place before I could be certain of what I believe will soon take place. God is the only one who knows exactly what things will look like in these next few weeks, and I've learned that ultimately my focus shouldn't be on what doors He opens and what doors He closes, but rather the assurance that His presence and promises are all I need to find true contentment. So I enter into this exciting time of change with a prayerful and teachable heart, letting Him continue to guide me step by step as He sees fit.

04/04: I've understood for a long time that God's different responses to prayers can be summed up in three words - "yes", "no", and "wait". Whenever I bring a request before God, it's only natural for me to have an ideal outcome - the "yes" answer. There's nothing wrong with that; God knows my heart's desires before I say a single word. Of course, when asking God for something, it's ultimately His decision to say "yes" or "no". And when He says "no", I must remain confident that He does so only because He knows more than I do and has something better in mind. That doesn't make those "no" answers easy to swallow though. God said "no" when my family prayed for Dad to win his battle against cancer. He also said "no" when I prayed to pass the classes that would allow me to stay in the prestigious college engineering program I was accepted into. Those were some of the most challenging times I've ever faced, and I may not fully understand why He said "no" to my prayers until I meet Him face to face. In the past several months, I've spent countless hours in prayer, bringing to God my fears and uncertainties about the future both near and far. He has given me several "yes" answers and also several "no" answers. But I've come to see that many times, the most difficult answer to accept is "wait".

People in our modern world are are used to getting instant answers to pretty much everything. That makes it even more difficult for us to come to terms with waiting, especially when it's either something we have absolutely no control over or something of life-changing importance. In my case, it's both. And while a little waiting shouldn't be surprising, the repeated need to wait, in addition to the length of waiting each time, has made this journey much more difficult than I had expected. Each time I feel like things are finally moving forward, even during times when it really seems like there's no reason for things not to move forward, I end up having to wait some more, often for indefinite amounts of time. The waiting itself has become just as big of a challenge as the needs that brought me to my knees in the first place.

Why is waiting so difficult? First, the world constantly tells me I need to go faster. Also, waiting means I must surrender control of my time and my circumstances. It forces me to maintain a positive attitude and stay hopeful and motivated regardless of the situations around me. Most importantly, it prompts me to direct my attention away from myself and toward God, trusting in Him just like the times when He gives me the "no" answers, knowing that He is still sovereign.

One thing I have to constantly remind myself of is that a perfect God doesn't waste any time. Sure, it only makes sense to say that every bad decision I make has consequences, some of which may cause delays. However, God only allows those delays to take place because He is ultimately able to do something good with them. Given how easy it is for me to make mistakes, often without even realizing it, I wouldn't be surprised if some of my actions are largely responsible for the waiting I face now. But God forgives, and the fact that He's still allowing me to persevere in this journey is proof that He hasn't given up on me. God doesn't waste time. He doesn't lead me this far only to abandon me in failure. And even if I fail, I know it's only because He has an even greater plan.

The question now is, what does He want me to do in this time of waiting? I've been learning more and more to keep my focus on God, relying on His character for contentment rather than what He gives me or doesn't give me. And since, even as I actively and intentionally seek Him, He answers my prayers with "wait", I should not think of waiting as a curse, but rather as an opportunity. In a recent prayer, I acknowledged to God that if times of trial and waiting result in me knowing Him better and having a more intimate relationship with Him, then they are definitely worthwhile. Rather than complaining about what I don't have, I should focus on the many often unnoticed blessings given to me every day, the greatest being His very presence.

Of course, getting to know God is a lifelong process, and the fact that I repeatedly find myself turning away, losing sight of Him, and being trapped in my own fears and worries shows that I still have a long way to go. The more I focus on Him, the more I realize that things really aren't as bad as they may seem. I've always believed that the best attitude toward waiting is patience, and I often acknowledge to God that I'm waiting patiently for Him. However, through these past several months, I've come to see that an even better attitude than waiting for God patiently is waiting for Him expectantly. Why? Because God doesn't waste time. He is actively working in my life, taking into account every opportunity, every mistake, every challenge, and every one of my concerns, doubts, and worries. I may not know when or how I will take the next step forward. But when I consider God's character in my prayers, I can expect Him to answer rather than simply hope that He will. His answer is a promise, and so is my assurance that He is in complete control. I must continue to seek Him more, know Him more, trust Him more, and live every moment expectantly, knowing that in His perfect timing He will bring me victory. May His will continue to be done.

03/11: It seems like for as long as I can remember, I've been traveling through this tunnel. Sometimes I ran, sometimes I walked, and sometimes I crawed with barely enough strength to move. It's far too late to turn back; with darkness ahead of me and behind me, changing my direction would only cause me to get lost. All this time, there has been one thing I wanted to see - light. Light would assure me not only that there is a way out of this tunnel, but also that I'm not too far away from the end.

Now at last, I have seen the light. But even so, I am choosing to remain focused and not give in too quickly to excitement. After all, throughout the journey I've had very little control over anything, and even now it is not too late for things to get shaken up, disturbing my path or even blocking out the light completely.

I have learned from this journey that even when darkness surrounds me on every side and I don't know where I'm going, I must remember that every step forward, whether big or small, leads me one step closer to the end. Wherever the end may be, I will never reach it if I stop working my way there one step at a time. So I will continue on, traveling toward the light at the end of this tunnel, until either the path leads me elsewhere or I find myself at last in the warmth of the sunshine.

03/06: I had a lot more free time this past week - Something I saw as both a blessing and a curse. Going into it, I really didn't know how or where to begin. I complained in my heart about wanting things to be different. I felt like my life was simply being wasted. Then I remembered - God doesn't waste time. He allows everything to happen for a good reason, and rather than complain about where I am, I should humbly consider how I can make the most out of it.

So that's what I did. I committed to starting each day by spending undisturbed time with God, using a book on daily prayer as my guide. My state of desperation gave me a proper attitude of genuinely seeking God rather than spending time with Him just to check it off my to-do list. Just last Sunday, I had the privilege and honor of teaching my church's Sunday school class about how we can fully trust in God because He is both all-wise and all-powerful. What better opportunity to start applying this truth to my own life? By the end of the week, there was only one thing I was still discontent with - Why didn't I start doing this earlier?

In the midst of busyness, it's so easy to put my walk with God on cruise control and assume everything will be fine. Sometimes, being a ministry leader can make things even worse by turning my need to study God's Word into an obligation rather than a response to His greatness. It isn't until I step out of that busyness that I realize how much I've strayed from a healthy relationship with Him. Yes, there are a lot of things I truly need in life now. But should those needs be seen as more important than the One who answers prayer and provides for them? Yes, there are a lot of questions that I really want answers to. But why spend all day drowning in confusion when my Creator is eagerly wanting me to turn to Him? He is always speaking; it's my choice whether or not to listen. What I truly need - and the answer to all my questions - is that God is in complete control and knows what's best for me.

Sure, I may still be in a state of increasing desperation. But through this past week I've come to see that what I'm truly desperate for are not the things in this world - even the good things in this world, but rather the assurance that God is with me, telling me not to fear because He will help me. If God doesn't waste time, then surely my life right now has a great purpose. And even if the purpose of this past week was simply to take a break from my daily routines and refocus my life on Him, I'm truly thankful that He blessed me with this priceless opportunity. I return now to my normal daily life - at least the way it's been for now - with not only a deeper appreciation for what I have, but also a deeper awareness that nothing in this world can replace the love of God in my life.

03/01: Even though I've never been a parent, I believe that one of the most admirable things about good parenting is committing to love, serve, and care for someone who won't truly understand or appreciate any of it until many years down the road. As a child, it was easy to take all that Mom did for granted. In my teens, my relationship with her essentially revolved around whether or not she was willing to listen to and accept my perspective on everything. Yet she remained faithful. Sure, we had countless arguments and disagreements. But in the end, she always looked past the situation and held firmly to the fact that she loves me simply because I'm her son.

It wasn't until I went to college and spent most of my time living in the dorms that I began to not only seek God on a personal level, but also reflect on the many blessings that had brought me to where I was. Slowly I came to see the depth of how Dad's passing impacted Mom's life over the years. I came to see how brave she was in working so hard in a largely foreign country to provide for two young children. I came to see how humble and loving she was in placing our well-being above basically everything else in her life. And most importantly, I came to see how faithful and wise she was in always trusting in God, knowing He is the greatest comforter and provider.

Aside from raising Carol and me, one of the most incredible journeys I've witnessed in Mom's life is her steady growth in leadership over the years. She has always been very sociable, bringing joy and love to those around her. With the help of many church brothers and sisters in the years following Dad's passing, she not only learned to be strong as a single parent, but also developed a heart to care for and serve others. Despite her claiming that she likes to stay behind the scenes and would rather be a follower than a leader, God opened doors over the years for her to become a small group leader, oversee several groups simultaneously, and share her testimony publicly in front of thousands of people. Today she continues to be a blessing to those God placed in her life, especially those who, like her, faced the challenges of being a single parent.

As I grew older, I also came to admire Mom's constantly positive attitude, even when facing great difficulties. Each leadership role offered to her was a leap of faith, but she considered it prayerfully and took on the challenge. When the business she started after Dad's passing began to decline, she remained faithful and hopeful until God opened doors for new opportunities. Upon realizing how much wisdom she has been blessed with, I came to appreciate her even more deeply and value her attitude and opinions as I made many important life decisions. Mom became one of my greatest role models, and continues to be so now.