04/20: In just a few short days, my MA interview - the defining moment of almost a whole year of preparing, anticipating, and longing - will be in the past. To be honest, I'm really surprised at how confident and positive I feel right now. It's probably because the farther I come in the preparation process, the more I realize just how blessed I am. Preparing for job applications or interviews often serves as an opportunity to reflect on the journey that leads me to where I am, and I've come to see that all the professional experience I've accumulated over the years is really the result of God's intricate work in my life. (A decade ago, I was still in college studying music with absolutely no desire to ever have an office job!) Our management continues to be incredibly supportive, and began arranging practice interviews pretty much right after the written test results came out. It wasn't until I had my practice interview yesterday that I realized just how helpful it was; I not only had a warm-up of the often intimidating interview process, but also received a clear sense of where I currently stand. Surprisingly, I've received very positive feedback on the things I thought I struggle with most, namely talking too fast or rambling too much when I'm nervous. Of course, there are also several areas that I need to improve in, some of which caught me by surprise. But overall, given the (somewhat limited) amount of time I had spent preparing and the amount of time I still have left, I believe that I'm on the right track, and that explains my current confidence despite my tendency to fear things that are so important yet so far beyond my control. I feel a little crazy for saying this, but ever since yesterday, I've actually been looking forward to facing the real deal.

In these past few days, I've been amazed at how much unexpected encouragement I've received, both from the results of the practice interview and from the words of those around me at work. These things definitely give me great motivation to keep pushing forward. But I must remember that there's a big difference between confidence and pride. While it's good to let confidence motivate me, especially for something where the way I present myself externally can make a big difference, I must have wisdom to not nurture any pride in my accomplishments or self-sufficiency. Everything I've accomplished up to this point is God's work in my life. Whatever happens in the end, He deserves all the glory.

I won't be saying any more from this point on, since the interviews are spread across several weeks and I shouldn't mention anything about it until everyone has had a fair chance. (It's often easy to forget just how big the City workforce is and how easily words can spread!) The next step will be to go back to playing the waiting game until I receive my final score with which I will proceed. For now, I must stay focused. If I don't spend my time and energy wisely, in the end there's no one to blame but myself. And whether or not I do well, I still know and believe that God is in complete control as He always has been.

04/07: Many people know that I had prepared for what seemed like forever for my Management Analyst promotional exam in January, and those closest to me know exactly how much this promotion means to me and can affect major life decisions in the near future. Ever since the test day, I've been playing a seemingly endless waiting game, surrounded by plenty of rumors and speculation. Some estimated that it would be about six to eight weeks before the results were released stating who passed and would be granted an interview. (For crying out loud, it's only a Scantron!) Others said it would be longer - and it turned out they were right. All I knew was that the test was significantly more difficult than I had expected, and that given the high number of questions that I wasn't certain how to answer, I had no way of gauging how well I did, though it was probably worse than I had hoped for. Sure, the grading would be curved, and just about everyone else I talked to who took the test also said it was hard. But God only knows whether they actually bombed it or they are just being conservative and modest. (After all, even if I were a little more confident about my performance that morning, I don't think I would have gone around telling everybody that I did well, only to risk the chance of being slapped with an unexpected failure.) There were even rumors that the people in charge of grading the test had received so many complaints about it that they were going to just let everybody pass and use a significantly more difficult qualifying interview to weed out the less qualified. It was simply too hard to know what to believe or even whether or not to still see any hope, so as the weeks passed, I simply stopped thinking about it.

Since the test day, I (along with others in my division who took the test) have continued to receive tremendous support from our management in helping and encouraging us to succeed. It's really an incredibly great blessing, but given that the written test had turned out to be so difficult, it was also an added burden; when your manager has done pretty much everything possible in the name of the Mayor to make it clear that he wants you to get a promotion and that he believes you're definitely capable of doing so, failing the test would be an indescribably great shame, one that I would probably have to carry for at least a few years until the next Analyst exam comes around. I guess that alone should have motivated me to start preparing for my interview already. (And if I did so, I probably would be a pro at it by now). But given how I felt about the test in the first place, it was difficult to be so optimistic about making it to the next step, not to mention preparing for it ahead of time.

The weeks continued to pass by. Official information began to surface a little at a time regarding the planned interview dates and the number of people that would be granted an interview. Some of the details made me feel more hopeful while others left me more anxious. All I knew was that every new day was bringing me closer to finding out the results, and that the only thing I could do until then was pray.

And that's exactly what I did. At first, I prayed only when I felt anxious or when I was reminded of the subject. Then I began to pray every day. It's truly difficult to pray for something that means so much to me. On one hand, I know God is powerful enough to give me pretty much anything I can ask for. On the other, I know that His wisdom far surpasses my own and that I can't treat Him like a genie and expect to have all my wishes granted. Slowly I learned to shape my prayers around an attitude of trusting in His power yet surrendering to His will. I acknowledged my burning desire to receive a passing score and the reasons it would mean so much to me. I acknowledged that God's power was more than enough to grant me that desire. But I also prayed most importantly that whether I would pass or fail, He should receive all the glory. In the end, He is the ultimate Provider, and nothing in this world will ever satisfy me the way He can.

Still, surrendering to God's will doesn't mean my desires and concerns just magically disappear. After all, even Jesus, shortly before the suffering leading to his gruesome death, acknowledged to the Father his desire to not have to face the challenges ahead while ultimately surrendering to His will (Luke 22:42). With the first of the scheduled interview dates just weeks away, I knew the test results would be announced any day. And the waiting drove me crazy. I began to recognize that just as God's answer to every prayer - whether "yes" or "no" - has a purpose, so does the time of waiting for His answer. So in addition to praying about the test results, I also prayed, "God, may every hour of waiting bring me closer to You".

That's what happened this morning. I was taking advantage of my RDO to spend some time praying in the apartment living room. It was one of those priceless opportunities to take a break from the usual busyness of daily life and refocus on God until I came to terms with the assuring truth of His sovereign control over every aspect of my life. Afterwards I casually walked to the computer to check my email, thoughts of praise still lingering in my head. That's when I saw the new email, which had just been sent minutes ago, informing me that I had been scheduled for a Management Analyst interview. It took a few moments for the meaning of that notice, written as with past City employment correspondences in probably the most boring and lifeless font and prose known to mankind, to sink in - I had passed the test. Coincidence or not, the email had been sent not while I was sleeping or eating, or even working, but rather while I was away from all of life's distractions and luxuries, meditating on God's character and trusting Him to understand and provide for all my needs. Seconds later, I was on my knees as if I had never learned to walk, tears falling uncontrollably from my eyes, muttering one "thank you" after another to the God who had just given me a most humbling gift that not only shows His supernatural provision for my life in this world, but also directs my attention to His unfathomable kindness and glory.

Of course, this is not the end yet. In fact, it will probably be at best several more months before I come anywhere close to a long-term Analyst position. My interview (which is part of the exam process and the sole determining factor of my final ranking) is actually scheduled on the very first day the interviews are being conducted. Not that it really makes any difference, since the scores won't be posted until everyone has had their chance over the course of several weeks. I had heard co-workers tell horror stories of how they had received interview notices for other exams with far too little time to prepare. I guess some more time for me would be nice as well, but it would probably just make me either more lazy or more anxious. The time I have is just enough to both help me prepare adequately and keep me on my toes while doing so.

As I can see, the most stressful part of this journey is already over. The written test, which consisted of an array of subjects far too vast for anyone to fully prepare for and turned out even after half a year of studying to be far more difficult than expected, had posed the biggest risk of me failing to meet the standards and being eliminated from the race altogether. I'm not saying the interview will be easy, or that I shouldn't treat it with the same attitude, determination, and effort that I treated the written test with. After all, oral communication has never been one of my strengths. But rather than having to study a billion largely foreign subjects with no idea which pieces of knowledge would actually come in handy, I now get to "study" what are essentially facts about myself and my abilities and experiences, which I already know but need to organize and be able to effectively communicate. It's not easy, but it's certainly much less stressful.

And it's much more motivating, too. Rather than wrestle constantly with the fear of failing, I can now focus on how to maximize my potential success. Sure, I can technically still end up with a failing score after the interview. But I'm definitely much more confident in my job experiences than I am in my limited knowledge of City policies and technicalities. In other words, as long as I don't make a complete idiot of myself on the big day, my final score will essentially determine not whether or not I pass, but how quickly I can qualify for (and ultimately receive) the new job title that I've been working so long and so hard for.

Again, as I have said so many times throughout this journey, may all the glory be to God, regardless of my circumstances. There is nothing in this world that is beyond His sovereign control, and the tears that so naturally fell from my eyes are a clear reminder that I did not make it this far on my own. Surely God did not lead me this far only to knock me down, and even if He does, I trust that He has a very good reason for doing so. After all, He is God and I am not. I may be working hard to get this job promotion, but in the end there is no better position to be in than that which God knows is best for me. And there is nothing more assuring than knowing that He is in complete control and does what's best for His children. I will not assume it's impossible to fail from here, or focus so much on the potential future blessings that I lose sight of the work that still needs to be done. But as I prepare for the next battle with a renewed, stronger faith, my prayer remains the same- May His will continue to be done, and may He receive all the glory.

03/27: Sometimes the best holidays are those in which you don't have to go to work or school but everybody else still does. Most people have no idea who Cesar Chavez is - I had never even heard of him before I went to UCLA. But in the City of Los Angeles he's a pretty big deal, big enough to have a holiday in his honor. Some of my co-workers didn't even realize there was an upcoming holiday until late last week. And since last Friday was my RDO, I'm left with a random four-day weekend when pretty much everybody else around me is still going about with their daily lives. Had I realized this earlier, I might have asked Tiffany to consider taking a couple days off so we could enjoy a weekend getaway or go to an amusement park or other destination typically overpacked with visitors. Or at the very least, we could have taken advantage of weekday pricing for dim sum. But lately we've been busy focusing our time, and also saving our money and vacation days, for something else to look forward to - our long-awaited honeymoon vacation.

Yes, we've been married for over a year and a half already. Due to our job situations since our wedding day, we haven't been able to take time off to travel together. But that's about to change, and when it does, we'll finally get to enjoy our honeymoon. Planning for the overseas trip has already begun, and even though it has already been a long (and at times extremely frustrating) journey, I'm glad to say that the pieces are starting to come together. And as always, the more things start coming together, the more I start looking forward to it!

03/07: Sometimes I taste the sweetness of victory, and other times I carry the burden of defeat. Sometimes I simply wait, often for what seems like forever, for the first sign of action. And when action strikes, it brings to light whether I've allowed the waiting to distract me or prepare me. But even so, there is no guarantee that my preparation is sufficient. That's why I know this fight isn't my own. Today I've tasted a major victory. But I must not stop to celebrate now. Winning a battle doesn't mean winning the war. In the same way, taking losses doesn't mean I can't rise up stronger. I must keep pushing on with ultimate victory as the only option. In the end, if I win, may God be glorified through my acknowledgement of His power. And if I lose, may He be no less glorified through my faith in His provision and sovereignty.