02/23: Fifteen years ago, this date meant the world to me, and that world was shattered. My outlook on just about everything a junior in high school could wrap his head around was forever changed. Academics, faith, family, friendships, and romance all came together in a story that took me through a sea of emotions whose depths I had never known. I once thought I would never want what I thought I could have at that time. Then came the desire, which led to disappointment. Then came hope from realizing my potential, which led me to begin building my life on a new foundation - until that foundation collapsed. This day once represented the accumulation of my greatest dreams. In the end, it marked some of the deepest pain I had ever known.

Many things have changed in these past fifteen years. My life now is unlike anything I could have imagined back then, and it has been many years since I last felt the need to reflect on this day. In fact, the older I get, the more distant this story seems, simply because I can no longer relate to it the way I once did. In many ways, it simply doesn't fit in with the rest of my life anymore. But some things can never be forgotten, and upon seeing today's date pop up on my office calendar this morning, I couldn't help but be brought back to this memorable journey - "Under the Western Skies".

When people ask me about the defining moments of my life and greatest challenges I've faced, I usually talk about my father's passing, my struggles in college, and my various career decisions, simply because those things are easy to explain and easily relatable. This story is much more difficult to tell. On the surface, it would simply sound like a typical teenager being way too dramatic about a bunch of typical teenage struggles. What gives it depth and meaning is a clear understanding of my life up to that point, as well as each of its characters and the specific roles they played. In other words, it really doesn't make sense unless you were actually there.

That's not to say that the story no longer has an impact on me now. Its effects may not be clear at the surface level, but they have been, and still are, constantly at work in various areas of my life. In some areas, I became overly confident, and as a result neglected the need to grow in places they overshadowed. In others, it made me lose all hope of finding confidence, and as a result I came to see life from important perspectives that most other people ignore. Without this story shaking up my view of friendships, I may not have had the courage to experience a flourishing social life in college and choose the people I called my friends. Without it shaking up my faith in my own achievements, I may not have found the various roads that eventually led me to a more intimate relationship with God and my ultimate decision to major in music. Without it shaking up my view of family, I may not have come to appreciate Mom the way I do. And without it shaking up my otherwise sheltered and emotionally safe life, I would definitely be much more naive. In a sense, "Under the Western Skies" was like a giant bottleneck in my life. Everything I knew and lived for until then was forced together and shaken up, and everything that happened since then can in some way trace its roots back to that point.

As with many of life's journeys, it's hard to define exactly where this story ends, or even whether or not the ending has taken place yet. I had believed for a long time that "Under the Western Skies" was meant to be a tragedy, an unfulfillable dream that would leave me with a permanent scar. I'm glad I was wrong; about two years later, one of the story's main characters, one of the most influential people in my life at the time, wisely seized the opportunity to tie up some loose ends. I believe that by that point in time, there could have been no better way of giving the story a fairy-tale ending, and through it I was finally able to let go of the past and move forward to pursue a fulfilling future in college.

But the older I get, the more I understand that fairy-tale endings are often just shallow moments of glory that fail to deal with harsh realities and their consequences. And that's what prompts me to ask myself, has this story actually ended? And now that fifteen years have flown by, what does it still mean to me? Sure, on the surface everything has been turned around and "made right". But like I said earlier, this story was never meant to make sense on the surface. It's always tempting to look back and ask a bunch of "what if" questions. But there's no denying that the past cannot be changed and that it has made me who I am now. The events of those few years were crucial in shaping my ability to connect with and relate to people, not to mention my understanding of God. I'm glad to say that my friendships with those most closely involved in the story are still strong; in fact, dealing with our past challenges together has actually made us stronger. And as for those who I have lost touch with, I would love to cross paths with them again someday and see how time has sculpted each of their lives as it did mine. While most of the people I consider my close friends today had not yet crossed paths with me at the time, God was already planting and watering the seeds for each of those friendships. Needless to say, Tiffany was one of those friends. And our marriage only serves as a reminder that the lessons I had learned fifteen years ago are lessons I'm continuing to learn today.

With that in mind, "Under the Western Skies" is really not a finished story, but rather a significant chapter in the grand scheme of my life. It represented a world I once thought I could never be a part of. As I got older, I realized that while there is great joy in being part of that world, I simply wasn't meant to stay in it forever. Instead, I must bring what I can back with me and let it transform my life into a better balance of what I have and what I lack. And I'm glad the story isn't over. Otherwise, it would really be nothing more than a fleeting memory, a glorious night at the ball that only momentarily takes me away from my commoner life. It was a difficult dance to learn, and it still is a difficult one to master. But the heart of the story still lives on and is quietly being told and written in my life today. And that means I'm still dancing, every day, to the music that becomes more beautiful with each new breath until the very end.

01/30: As hundreds of people stood in line on Saturday morning waiting anxiously to be corralled into one of the many examination rooms, I sat comfortably in the Starbucks down the street, taking advantage of the free wi-fi to check my Instagram feed. Having heard many horror stories about test takers stressing over navigating through L.A. traffic and finding parking, I opted for the worry-free option of waking up early, hopping on the Metro, and enjoying my breakfast at Starbucks with a delicious smoked butterscotch coffee, then walking down the block just in time to take my test.

Those who knew me from college are probably no stranger to my abnormally carefree attitude during times when most people would be stressing like crazy. Looking back now, I can see that much of that attitude comes from my nonconformist personality; seeing everyone around me cramming for midterms and finals only made me want to be different. Also, to be honest, I wasn't a particularly motivated individual to begin with when it came to academics. Having tried (and failed) too many times in high school to conform to inhumanely high standards, I found it difficult to reignite confidence in my ability to succeed. Sure, I knew that good test scores could eventually lead to good jobs, more money, and a smoother future. But those things all seemed too far away. Aside from the few subjects and classes that I was truly passionate for, I thought of exams simply as hurdles I must overcome in order to continue living life without feeling like a failure. And upon receiving my college diploma, I thought I would never have to go through such experiences again.

Of course, that was all long before I began working for the City. Those who are familiar with civil service jobs will know that most positions and promotions require first passing an exam to get placed on an eligible list. Thanks to my years as a tutor, passing the written test for my current Management Assistant job, which consisted mostly of math and reading comprehension questions far easier than most SAT problems, wasn't particularly difficult. Unfortunately, not all City exams are that way. Promotional exams requires civil service experience, meaning that tests can cover not only academic subjects, but also specific details of just about every aspect of City government and policy. Remember those times when you stared helplessly at a history or science test problem with no way of even making an educated guess? Welcome to real life.

I first heard rumors of the then-upcoming Management Analyst exam just a month or two after starting my job. At that point, all I really wanted to do was learn my day-to-day work without feeling like an idiot so I could pass probation. Having barely entered the world of civil service, I hadn't yet given a single thought to the idea of seeking promotional opportunities. And if it weren't for the fact that these darn exams only come up once every several years, I would have probably ignored all the hype, figuring that I should take some time to get comfortable with where I am before thinking about the next step. After all, that was my attitude for most of my college years and even my past few jobs. But over these last few years, my life has changed, and so has my attitude. I now have a wife to take care of, a strong desire for financial independence, and a clear and tangible understanding that a few additional bucks per hour can make an incredible difference both now and in the future. Sure, this Analyst exam would cover a billion different subjects, and unlike college exams there weren't any official study materials available. Given my lack of City experience and knowledge, I'd probably be better off trying to study Greek. But with the exam expected to be about half a year away, I had far more weeks and months to study than I did for any exam I had ever taken in school, and as a new employee I had both time and reading materials that could be put to good use on a daily basis. If I didn't jump at this opportunity to do my best, then the only one to blame would be myself.

So the adventure began. A co-worker who started about a month after me told me about an email-distribution list for study materials from an experienced senior-level employee in another department. I signed up right away, and also passed the information to another co-worker. The three of us, all of whom work in the same section and had similar levels of experience, began studying individually during our free time, using the e-mail materials as a guide. We eventually formed a lunchtime study group to share our knowledge and experience, and while it wasn't particularly successful (since we quickly discovered that our collective lack of experience would always leave us with more questions than answers), it made our supervisors and other higher-level co-workers aware of our plan to take the test, and they provided us with both additional study materials and knowledge from their own experiences.

Soon, all the rumors were officially confirmed, and in November the exam registration opened, with the test date set for late January. Registration required a minimum of six months of experience as an Assistant. My six-month anniversary (and the end of probation) was right in the middle of the two-week registration period. All this time I had studied without even knowing for sure if I would even be allowed to take the test, and the great quantity and depth of the reading materials often made it challenging to stay motivated. But by this point, everything became more certain, and there were only two months left to prepare. At the point of my life where I'm giving serious thought to having kids, buying a home, and planning for a stable financial future, I have many, many reasons to want and need this promotion. I had never been one to take advantage of study groups, additional readings, or research to enhance my knowledge and skills. But all that had changed, simply because I had found a clear goal that I was willing to work hard for, pushed by needs of the present and pulled by dreams of the future. My academic career and my years as a tutor have taught me much about how to study effectively. Now, for the first time, all of those things actually mattered.

One of my co-workers transferred temporarily to another section and met several others who had also signed up for the Analyst test. Through her, we all came together and formed a larger and more effective study group. Having read countless pages of study material from various sources, we all had much more definitive information to contribute to the group. That didn't mean things were easy though. Outdated materials, inaccurate information, the constantly changing nature of City policy/procedures, and the overall uncertainty of exactly what would be covered on the test all made studying a great challenge. Some higher-level colleagues told us we were studying way too hard, while others said we had to know much more. There were also varying opinions over what documents and subjects were most important. I reminded my co-workers often that we should stop worrying about all the rumors and focus on simply doing our best to study. (Apparently I haven't completely forgotten how to be a tutor!) As the test date came closer, we began organizing our materials and compiling a more focused list of things to review. At last, I felt like all the random things I had been reading began to come together and make more sense.

It seemed like each day made me further realize just how blessed I really am. Despite having not even a year of civil service experience, I work in one of the largest City departments and have a job description that is highly relevant on a Citywide basis, giving me knowledge that is beneficial for this exam and access to a large number of people and resources. My co-workers and I have full support from our supervisors and managers, not to mention sufficient City funding, to get our promotions. And while there's definitely a small degree of competition involved, our work environment allows us to see greater benefits in helping others and succeeding together, and my hope and prayer since the very beginning has been for all of us to pass the exam and get promoted.

With just a week before the test, it was time to cram. I studied in the office, during breaks, on the train, and at home. Sometimes I felt like I was practically breathing all the City policies that I had been memorizing. I read hundreds of practice questions, and there were both moments when I felt frustrated and moments when I felt optimistic. But by Thursday evening, I knew that what could have been done has already been done, and it was time to slow down.

Thankfully, the day before the test happened to be my RDO (Regular Day Off), giving me a day to simply rest, enjoy life, and not let stress get the best of me. Aside from a few casual glances at the notes I had compiled, I spent the day doing chores, eating, making music, and simply relaxing. And of course, I spent much time in prayer. Last year around this time, I prayed desperately every day for the job that I now have. Once again, I mediated on God's unchanging nature and reminded myself that He, not the outcome of any worldly event, is my ultimate provider and true source of peace, joy, and security.

And then it all happened. Waking up at 5:00AM. Early-morning train and bus rides. Smoked butterscotch coffee at Starbucks. Instagram updates. Getting escorted to my exam room. Receiving the first of the two test booklets. "You may now begin."

Had I put my confidence in my own ability to succeed, I would have struggled to make it to the end. But my confidence was in the knowledge of God's sovereignty - His divine appointments that led me to that very seat, His guidance throughout the countless hours I spent studying, and His constant and unfailing provision for His children. The exam was quite a bit harder than I had hoped or expected. And after talking in the office with several others who took it, I know I'm definitely not alone. At this point, there are only a few things I know for sure. The cup of Starbucks coffee had helped me stay awake and focused with a clear mind at just the right hours. I had retained just about all the information I had studied, so when it came to questions I didn't know how to answer, even having additional time to prepare would not have helped. I had done my best, both in preparing for the test and in taking it. What's done is done, and all I can do now is keep trusting in God and join everyone else in waiting patiently for the results.

In college, I've heard many stories of people throwing bonfire parties after finals to destroy all evidence of studying. In the end, all that mattered was a letter grade that apparently meant far more than all the knowledge it represented. I'm glad to say that this test is a different story. As one of my co-workers optimistically pointed out a few days before the test, even if we end up failing, we have still gained far more knowledge than we thought was possible, and that knowledge is sure to come in handy as we continue navigating through our civil service careers.

No less challenging than the test itself is the process of waiting for results that I no longer have any control over. I won't deny I'm a little scared, especially because this result can essentially determine much of how I shape my life in the years to come. But this uncertainty is actually an answered prayer. I had prayed, just as I did before getting my current job, that I would look to God as my ultimate source of contentment, and that any success I encounter would take place in such a way that I would know it is from Him and not from myself. That way I will remember to give Him glory in all that I do. Whether I pass or fail, He still deserves to be praised, because no matter how big my challenges are, He is always bigger. He has led me this far, and surely He won't let go of me now. May His sovereign will continue to be done.

01/09: Much of our daily lives is driven by desires for material things. Our motivation to work hard often comes from things we like to shop for, whether it's large purchases like houses and cars or day-to-day items like clothes and snacks. Many times we want those things because they seem to improve our self-worth or because they are associated with coveted cultures or social classes. Sometimes, we want them simply because everyone else around us seems to want them or have them. There's really nothing wrong with wanting to be come financially or materially successful. But in the midst of our economically-driven world, it's important to take a step back and ask ourselves what it is that we truly desire and whether or not the things we try so hard to obtain can actually satisfy those desires.

Last week, I completed a month-long project of moving all of my belongings out of my old room at Mom's house and into a nearby storage facility. It was just one step in a series of changes taking place among my family members that we all agreed would be for everyone's benefit. To be honest, given that I've already moved out and gotten married for about a year and a half, this is something I really should have done a long time ago. But since my apartment isn't very big and Mom had no plans to put my old room to use, I simply took with me the things I need and left everything else there to collect dust.

It wasn't until I began living independently that, for the first time, I was able to disconnect myself from many of the things I had accumulated throughout my life. While there were so many things that I had held dear for as long as I could remember, I was able to spend months away from them and not feel like anything had changed! Honestly, if you were to pull out a few items from my old closet, even those of great financial or sentimental value, and tossed them without my knowledge, I probably wouldn't have found out until much later (if at all). But upon realization that I have possession over them, I become emotionally attached and find it extremely difficult to let go. Thankfully, I was able to shove everything into a rather small and inexpensive storage unit. But the long and exhausting process of making the move led me to a couple conclusions - I really have a lot of a junk, and I'm tired of accumulating any more junk.

This realization really isn't anything new; Mom had always made it known to me that I'm quite a good packrat. It was definitely frustrating to get nagged over the years about donating or throwing away old things, and there are actually several instances in which I'm glad I didn't listen to her and instead allowed old toys to become collectibles that continue to multiply in value. But the truth is that I've always admired Mom's ability to not become too attached to material wealth and possessions, and through years of watching her example, I've also learned to find great joy in simple living. Ever since I moved out, that joy has only increased.

This is where I'm different from most of the people I interact with when attending car shows. My hobby and passion for exotic automobiles gives me regular contact with both those who buy cars worth than most people's houses and those who aspire to be just like them. My love for cars is an appreciation of fine art, not a personal desire for luxuries. And my interactions with these individuals helps me see through firsthand experience that wealth is not the key to satisfaction. It's only a matter of time before every prized acquisition becomes overshadowed by something more desirable, expensive, fancy, or modern. While wealth and luxuries can bring an exhilarating amount of temporary joy, if we put too much value in them, they will only tie us down and leave us wanting more. Everything in this world will eventually fail, leading to disappointment, frustration, sorrow, and an increasing sense of overall discontent. The more unnecessary possessions I have, the more I find myself worrying about how to keep them, take care of them, and protect them, when in reality my life really wouldn't be much different if I never obtained them to begin with.

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" (Matthew 6:19-21). This passage prompted me to ask myself some important questions. Why am I trying so hard to earn more money? Why do I want all the things I want? In what ways would I benefit from getting those things? Am I ultimately trying to feed an endless cycle of discontent, or do those things actually have a beneficial and meaningful purpose? Am I using my own means to quench desires that only God can fully satisfy?

Sometimes, the real problem isn't with the actual objects I desire, but rather with my reasons for wanting them. For example, one of the greatest forces behind my current desire for more money is to eventually buy property and move out of my apartment. But upon searching my heart, I realized that much of that goal is built on the fact that it simply seems like the logical "right thing to do", which most people at this stage of life would be planning to do. The truth is that buying a house doesn't magically make me a better, happier, or stronger person. In fact, just like marriage, children, and other good things, it comes with a great deal of new responsibilities. After some consideration and prayer, I shifted my heart to more legitimate motives for wanting to own property - To make a wise investment, to have more freedom to enjoy life, to have a better environment to raise kids, and to be released from the often unjust control of apartment owners and managers. This gave me not only a better understanding of my desires, but also greater motivation to keep working hard.

As for smaller day-to-day material things, I'm glad that apartment life (and married life) has taught me more than ever before to focus on making the most of what I have rather than craving what I don't. That's why I tend to shy away from a lot of impersonal holiday gift exchanges; why spend money on something without a meaningful purpose and bring home more "stuff" that will only tempt me to become attached? Through the process of moving my old belongings, I've come to see just how much of my heart is devoted to treasuring, protecting, and worrying about things that I won't be able to bring with me when I leave this world. It's time to break that unhealthy cycle and focus on greater and more meaningful things.

Of course, this doesn't mean I'll tell Tiffany that we're selling everything we have to go live out on the streets. As I mentioned earlier, there's nothing wrong with material wealth and possessions. But I must exercise wisdom over what to obtain, how much to obtain, and where in my heart they will reside so that they don't distract me from more important things. I pray that I will frequently and actively identify and consider the motives behind each of the desires that fuel my thoughts and actions. I pray that I will obtain things that serve a good purpose, whether it's beauty, pleasure, practicality, or overall well-being. I also pray that I will stop chasing happiness that's dictated and defined by others and focus on true satisfaction, which only comes from seeing all my possessions as gifts from God to be used with wisdom. He created me, knows my heart's deepest desires, and brings greater joy than anything this world can offer.

01/07: What, a two-day weekend? Honestly, I've sort of forgotten what they feel like, since the last time I had a two-day weekend was sometime around Halloween. Yes, I've been quite spoiled. But at least I make up for it by working nine hours on a daily basis. Sometimes, having an "unusually" short weekend like this actually helps me get more done, since I'm constantly aware that I don't have all the time in the world. Last night and today, I managed to clean pretty much our whole apartment while Tiffany prepared some tasty food. (Thankfully, she excels in areas where I'm not nearly as gifted!) For dinner, my mom and grandma and her mom and dad came over. We had been looking forward to this day for quite some time; given everybody's busy schedules, getting us all together for a meal can be quite a challenge. But it finally happened, and we're so glad it did. We believe that marriage should, ideally, unite not only ourselves, but also those closest to us. And even though there are many couples who's families do not get along, often for reasons beyond their control, we're thankful that ours not only get along, but also make an effort to be more than just acquaintances. We continue to hope and pray that just as our marriage keeps growing stronger, so will the relationships between our family members.