02/21 It has already been a month since I started my new job. To an extent, things still seem like a blur, especially when I realize that just a month ago my daily work life, though it took place just a few blocks away, was completely different. I no longer wake up every morning feeling like I'm not where I'm supposed to be. And that's a good thing; while it's important for me to always keep an open mind, I must focus my attention on making the most of where God has placed me now.

In fact, I recently passed up a potential opportunity to "jump ship" and return to my former work environment. Why? I believe there is great value in both commitment and relationships. I believe God didn't bring me to my new department just to do new work, but also to cross paths with new people. In these past few weeks alone, I've already learned a great deal about how to interact with all kinds of people - People who I report to, people who report to me, people who are similar to me, people who are different from me, people with various personalities and working styles. I've also learned much about finding a healthy balance of being professional in the work I do and rememering that we're all human and can often use a little humor, casual conversation, and junk food. (I've dedicated a portion of my cubicle to shared snacks that are visible to people walking down the hallway, and it has played an important role in meeting people and facilitating conversations. I guess some things never change after college!)

Whether it's work skills or people skills, I know that life is a constant learning process. With that in mind, I'm thankful to be where I am now. Though it's very different from my old job, I've come to see that most of those differences aren't necessarily wrong, but simply take time to get used to. Again, I will always remember to keep an open mind about what happens in the long run. But for now, I need to remain focused on where I currently am. After all, I'm finally an Analyst now - After about a year and half of studying, preparing, interviewing, waiting, and sometimes nearly going crazy, I've finally made it. Many times along the way I was reminded that it was by none other than the grace of God that I'd taken each step in my career - not so I can feel superior, but rather so I can be humble. Sure, things now are clearly not what I had expected them to be just a few months ago. But when I take the time now to think about where I am and how I got here, I'm once again left humbled and thankful. I pray that this will continue to be my attitude as I complete my work each day.

02/03: Most people like to talk about their opinions. Whether it's about a new movie, a major event, another person, or a particular group or organization, we like to make our views known to others. Sometimes it's to provide helpful tips, and sometimes it's just good ol' gossip. But the truth is that it's almost impossible to avoid hearing (or at least overhearing) things that may cloud our view of other people or groups that we would otherwise remain unbiased toward.

In the weeks leading up to my new job, I heard a lot of things from people with various levels of authority and experience. Most of those things were negative, though without pinpointing specific reasons. Some of those things even raised a big enough flag that, had I known about them prior to accepting the job, I may have made my decision differently. Still, I held on to my belief that, unless I have a clear and legitimate reason to choose otherwise, I should stick to my words and decisions.

It's amazing how much can happen in just two weeks. I don't know where to begin listing all of the thoughts, emotions, memories, and hopes that have flown through my head. With each new day, I come to see more of why people have said the things they said or shouldn't have said the things they said. I'll admit that, having heard so many negative things about this job, I found it difficult to look forward to being there, especially given all that I had to leave behind. On one hand, I appreciated being forewarned about certain things so that they wouldn't catch me off guard. But on the other, I had to keep an open mind and constantly fight against letting negativity get the best of me.

I'm not here to say whether I love or hate where I am now or rant about my feelings toward the various people I've met and situations I've faced in these first two weeks. The truth is it's really not all that bad. In fact, I've managed to find a surprising amount of joy in things that I've been specifically warned about. I remind myself each morning that despite what I heard and know, I must maintain an unbiased and open-minded view, especially during the process of getting settled in.

In my first week, I felt lost and confused more than anything else. I was starting a brand new job that consists of new people and new skills but operates under the same City structure and policies. I was reporting to a new building, but most of the commute was identical. In fact, in the past I had taken several lunchtime walks to the area I now walk every day from the train station to my office. I woke up each morning feeling like everything was still the same, and even as I sat at my new cubicle, I often felt like all the people I once saw every day were still around me, until I realized everything was different now. My new Department has a lot of policies that are shockingly different from the old Department and will definitely take getting used to. I'm pretty sure if I look in the right direction, I can still see part of my old building complex from my current building. I felt like I was still surrounded by everything I've been so comfortable with. But at the same time, I felt like I was alone and a million miles away.

This past week, my feelings began to settle. Maybe it's simply because I've spent enough time at the new job that it now feels like my daily routine. Or maybe it's because I've spent enough time away from my old routine that I'm now able to emotionally focus more on my current position. The work I'm doing is certainly interesting, and the more I learn, the more interesting it gets. I'm starting to feel a deeper sense of ownership in what I do (or will soon be doing). After all, my position now is no longer an entry-level job.

It would be wrong of me to forget the past. And it would be no less wrong of me to cling onto it too tightly. I'm very thankful to have kept in contact with several former co-workers, and I'm also glad to have met many new co-workers. Having now seen two different City departments through firsthand experience, even if only for two weeks, I now have a much deeper understanding of the various experiences the City has to offer. Yes, there's definitely more out there to explore, and it's too early to reach a firm conclusion on where I want to be in the long run. But what I know for sure is that right now there are many reasons this job is good for me, and I should seize those reasons and make the most of whatever time I have here.

01/19: It's finished. After a year and eight months at LA Sanitation, I've stepped out of my cubicle for the last time, headed to a new chapter of my career. I now see that one of the perks of not having an RDO on the last day of the pay period is that your final day feels much more conclusive, simply because everyone else easily remembers that it's your last day (as opposed to the all-too-common "oh, I just realized you're off tomorrow!") and will make an effort to help you make those last moments count. I arrived at the office this morning to discover a pile of bagels in our break cube that my supervisor had bought for our section, along with a pastry cake on my desk that she had bought specially for me. I spent about an hour going over what's left of my work with her to make sure everything is properly passed down and another hour in the division manager's office for my exit interview. Both of those events were, while purposeful, largely informal and filled with memorable conversations. Other than that, the rest of the day was spent talking to various co-workers, exchanging contact information, saying goodbye, and making the most of our last moments together in LA Sanitation.

01/15: Over the past couple days, I enjoyed a surprisingly refreshing getaway with a team of leaders of a small group I'm not even part of. Why did I go? Because for several months I had been praying about and working toward starting a new small group at our church, and, for logistical reasons, had asked to work alongside this team. Long story short, some changes that had taken place in the former small group we attended prompted me to both reconsider my attendance in the group and recognize specific needs I shared with a few others that the group would be unable to meet, leading me to consider starting a new group.

The journey had definitely not been easy; those who know my past experience with church ministry understand how difficult it is for me to face another instance of leadership problems resulting in a broken community. And even just weeks ago, unexpected problems were appearing that really made me question whether or not it would be worth my time to go to this retreat. I admit it is a constant struggle for me to keep my emotions and frustrations under control when staring this reality in the face. But there's one particular Bible passage that has given me great encouragement - the parable of a man who leaves behind ninety-nine sheep to go look for one that has wandered off (Matthew 18:10-14). The point isn't that Jesus doesn't care about the majority, but rather that He notices the needs of each individual and will go out of His way to meet those needs. Sure, it's unrealistic to expect any single ministry to consistently and perfectly cater to every person. But sadly, I see way too many shepherds who simply tell their sheep to follow them, then continue walking with their heads up without looking back. When sheep wander from the group, those shepherds either don't notice or don't care. And I hope and pray that those shepherds will realize how far they have strayed from Jesus' leadership model and turn back.

Of course, I'm nowhere near perfect. In fact, when it comes to being a leader, I won't even really consider myself above average. But there are two things I know for sure. First, Jesus is the Good Shepherd (John 10) who sees and cares for my needs even when it seems like no other shepherd does. Second, the Holy Spirit guides us as we submit ourselves to God to become more like Him. Those things have kept me on my feet, both in my loneliness and in my quest for leadership. Still, loneliness isn't easy to bear, especially when it comes to the Biblical community of believers that can - and should - easily penetrate just about every aspect of my life. And that was the first thing I noticed at this retreat - It was great to simply have a community again to pray, share life, and study God's Word with, even if it was just for one weekend.

We spent a good amount of time studying the book of Mark (Chapters 3 and 4), and whether it was because my coffee was extra strong or because the Holy Spirit was working in me, I found myself surprisingly engaged and interested in the Word in a way I hadn't been in a very long time. Through those sessions there were a couple very important points I brought home.

First, the difference between the "disciples" and the "crowd" that followed Jesus boils down to an attitude of seeking. Jesus' parables aren't meant to purposely confuse people, but rather to differentiate between those who turn away when the teaching gets difficult and those who turn to Him for deeper understanding. I admit that when I read the Bible and encounter confusing passages, I tend to just glaze over them thinking I can get more application out of simpler verses and wait for a preacher to explain the rest. This has been increasingly true when I find myself lacking a solid community, though that should by no means be an excuse. God knows we don't know everything, but He simply wants us to seek. And that's exactly what I need to start doing.

Second, regardless of what leadership roles I play or want to play, there is nothing more important than having a healthy walk with God. I can put together a pretty solid resume of experience, training, and knowledge that can make me appear like a good leader, but when it comes to discipleship, if I'm not pursuing a right relationship with God outside of group settings, my leadership capabilities in those group settings is, at best, severely limited. I spend so much time and energy planning and praying for leadership-related decisions and opportunities, but I've been operating under the lie that once I succeed as a leader, it will also make me a good Christian. My own relationship with God starts first and should always be first.

I may not know what my future small group will look like, but I do know exactly what I should be doing now - recommitting myself to seeking God daily, putting His Word as the number one priority in my life rather than as something I'll only turn to when I have to, when I need help, or when I have extra time. There may be a lot of leadership-related decisions I have to make in the near future, but when my own walk with God is right, I can be confident that He is guiding me one step at a time, and there will be no reason for me to fear. It's time to get started with giving back to God His rightful place in my life.

01/04: It's finally official now - I just got the notice confirming I'll be starting my new job in a little over two weeks. Now, there's really no turning back. Not that I was planning on turning back anyway, though; despite being offered different options and even being told that what I consider reasonable commitment and loyalty isn't important in this type of work environment, I think what I should focus on now isn't the comfort I'm leaving behind, but rather the opportunities ahead that will certainly benefit me in the long run. One of the hardest things I've had to do so far (other than break the news to people I work with) was turn down new interview opportunities. And because I've responded to so many requisitions, I'm sure more interview offers will come. Each time someone offers me an interview, I can't help but feel a little disappointed that I'm giving up a potential opportunity. But my decision has already been made, and as one who values strong character, I believe I should stick to my word unless I have a very good reason not to. And if this new job really turns out to be horrible, then, well, I'll just continue having faith that if God allows me to step into a situation then He'll definitely help me get through it.

I've already begun moving all my belongings out of my cubicle; since I take public transportation, it's easiest to move things a little at a time. My co-workers have already begun talking about planning goodbye lunches for me. It leaves me with mixed feelings; while I always enjoy opportunities to bond with them (not to mention eat good food!), I'm deeply saddened that this will ultimately be about me leaving the group and the department. Just a month and a half ago, I still showed up to work every morning with no idea that I would be going away anytime in the near future. And here I am now, just a few weeks away from saying goodbye. There's so much I love about where I am now, but I simply can't let those things tie me down and keep me from exploring new things that will help me grow in the long run. With all that said, it's time to make the most of these last few weeks at my current position and start shifting my focus to what's ahead.