06/08: I just had thought-provoking conversation with a co-worker about how depression can, and too many times does, leading to suicide. In light of recent news of multiple celebrities choosing to ending their lives, we're naturally prompted to wonder, how can people who appear so perfect be so broken inside? Yes, we all know that money and fame do not equal true happiness and satisfaction. But somehow, it's still so tempting to convince ourselves that they do, both in our own lives and in others' lives. And the fact that such high-profile individuals could be facing so much suffering without anyone stepping in to stop them highlights a devastating problem in our world that is only getting worse over time.

We've all seen, read, or heard countless reports of terrorist attacks and mass shootings. After each incident, the offender's family, friends, or neighbors are often interviewed. "He seemed like a good person, I never thought he would do something like that". "He smiled and said hello, but I did't know him very well". "He was a quiet man and usually kept to himself". Do these responses sound familiar?

I'm definitely not trying to group celebrities, suicidal individuals, and violent criminals in the same category. However, my earlier conversation with my co-worker about the huge discrepancy that can exist between a person's appearance and his/her heart prompts me to see a common underlying problem - Too many people are living double lives, and it's largely because nobody stepped in to help when they veered off the wrong path. I'm no psychologist, but I can definitely see that Whether a wealthy celebrity or an ordinary individual, a seemingly unproblematic public life does not indicate a healthy private life.

Most people would agree in one way or another that we live in a crazy world full of crazy people. But "craziness" isn't a problem that should be solved only by trained professionals or left to magically fix itself over time. Yes, many people who have medical conditions or have experienced deep trauma should definitely get professional help. But I believe that a large part of what it takes to reduce the rate of depression, suicide, and violence around us is often overlooked - the help of common, everyday people like ourselves. Every day, countless people manage to put on socially-acceptable masks, view others based on their masks, and neglect the problems that lie behind those masks. Most of us are clearly aware of this issue. But too often we don't do anything about it... until it's too late.

Just last weekend, I re-watched the 2005 "Phantom of the Opera" movie. I had fallen in love with the story (and the music of course!) when I first watched it as a student, and now I've come to appreciate it at a much deeper level. While I once dismissed the Phantom as simply a "bad guy", I now see that he is in fact a man who, like any other human being, simply desires to be loved and respected. But because he became convinced as a child that his identity was defined by his physical deformity, he never learned to properly connect with other people, instead choosing to build an empire to hide his insecurity when in reality that insecurity continues to haunt him, only growing worse over time.

The truth is that I relate very well to many of the individuals that the world labels as "crazy" or "evil", perhaps better than most people do, and perhaps so well that it's frightening. I also relate very well to those who face depression and have trouble finding freedom. Again, I'm not at all implying that those who face depression should be categorized with those who commit hateful crimes. But many times, the two outcomes are two branches stemming from the same roots. And as much as I hate to admit it, there are many ways in which I also exhibit common characteristics of those roots.

I tend to be very idealistic, with a very strong mind. I have high expectations of how people/things should be, and have trouble knowing how to properly deal with times when they turn out otherwise. I'm a heavy introvert - I'm not necessarily antisocial, but all my life I've had a tendency to keep to myself and find ways to entertain myself without needing other people to help me do so. For the most part, I'm not naturally motivated to socialize and build relationships. Yes, I still feel the basic human need for love and respect, but because my appearance often convinced the world otherwise, I grew up feeling misunderstood and often neglected. Over time, I realized that I would get mad at the smallest things, hold grudges way too easily, and have trouble getting over past hurts even though I've always known that unforgiveness is a personal choice that actually hurts myself more than anyone else. I don't really trust anyone except myself - a problem that makes it even more difficult to build genuine relationships. I build all kinds of walls to protect myself and become extremely defensive when people come too close to them without permission. When a problem needs to be solved, I would rather go to great lengths to figure out my own solution than ask someone else for even a small amount of help. Sometimes, there is so much discontent boiling up inside me that it scares me. On the outside, I look normal - a healthy, married Asian-American man who works in an office cubicle, cares for his family and friends, enjoys hobbies, and goes to church. But deep inside, life is too often far from smooth sailing.

These characteristics describe far too many others like me who, in this increasingly extrovert-driven society, grew up without a proper a sense of belonging. Such individuals often become Phantoms, putting on masks and creating fictional realities to find comfort. They shut off their emotions when in reality there can only be two outcomes - either those emotions are properly dealt with or they will ultimately reach a breaking point. And if those emotions are left boiling, there's a good chance the individuals will end up either hurting themselves or hurting the world.

Some people, like the Phantom, become who they are due to circumstances. Others become so distracted by less important things that they slowly lose sight of reality until things are out of hand. Still others are simply born with unique personalities that, though by no means wrong, are not what our excessively influential culture considers ideal. I'm definitely a combination of all three. My earthly father died when I was young. My personality since childhood made it especially challenging for me to interact with people and emotionally connect with them. There wasn't someone older that I was comfortable trusting as a role model. And I often turn to worldly success, whether it's social acceptance or material goods, as a mask to help me avoid, even if only temporarily, the fact that I'm really far from perfect.

No, I'm not tossing the blame for my life's challenges to anyone else. And no, people shouldn't depend solely on others for comfort, happiness, and security. I must face the challenges that come with my personality and my upbringing with confidence, knowing that God created me in His image and lets nothing happen outside the scope of His goodness and sovereignty. But God isn't an excuse for passivity. God created us to need one another in one way or another, regardless of personality. And I believe that, having identified the roots that can too easily grow into problems with devastating consequences, I can't leave things as they are without at least trying to make a difference both for myself and for others.

This is why I'm so intolerant of organizations that claim to focus on helping and serving people, yet choose the easy path of targeting the masses while ignoring the social minorities and outcasts. I've been deeply hurt by them, and I've seen many others be hurt by them. Too many schools, churches, and social circles in general focus only on what they see on the outside and disregard those who are simply more quiet and less noticeable. They focus on the surface while the deeper problem continues to grow. Whether they realize it or not, the truth is that they're failing to reach those who need them the most.

Whether in a social gathering, church setting, or work environment, we need to stop thinking of people as "better left alone". Many times, it's easy for us to do so without even realizing it! Even if those close to you appear to be perfectly fine, always promote and strive for relationships in which you're comfortable going beneath the surface together. It's not that every social interaction needs to be profound and life-changing. But don't we all go through times when we need a listening ear or shoulder to cry on (both literally and figuratively)? It's easy for many of us to assume that if someone needs help, they should speak up or seek help. But remember, there are many people around us who, for various reasons, find it especially challenging to take initiative and ask for assistance. It's possible that they may never find the courage to face their challenges on their own. And if we reject them and leave them to figure things out alone, we shouldn't be surprised when they fail to do so properly and end up headed down the wrong path.

This is especially important for young people. Healthy social interaction, like all other areas of a child's development, comes more easily to some than others. Just as those who aren't naturally good at math shouldn't automatically be labeled as "stupid", those who don't excel socially shouldn't automatically be labeled as "different" or "rejected". Some may recognize their own weakness but have trouble overcoming it, while others may have personality traits that prevent them from recognizing it altogether. But we must identify the need and help them learn to connect and interact with others while growing up. It doesn't mean everyone needs to become an extrovert or find great joy in social interaction. But when situations arise that call for those skills, it's crucial that the skills can be properly put to use, just like how it's crucial to apply math to your life regardless of whether or not you like the subject. Just because people don't appear to be outgoing, talkative, or friendly, it doesn't mean their social growth can or should be neglected.

And this is no less important for adults. While we cannot go back in time to change our childhood or alter past events, our greater amount of knowledge, strength, and life experience as adults can only serve to make the outcomes of our decisions more impactful. We need to always seek quality companionship for ourselves while being available to others and setting an example of open and shameless communication. Pay attention to those in our social circles, even if it requires a little more effort. Look beyond the differences on the surface and recognize that we all share the same basic needs. And to those that we hold closest to our hearts, always remember to tell them through both words and actions that they are accepted and loved.

I say these things as one who has been through, and continues to go through, these very struggles. The challenges I've faced growing up leave me with a battle I still fight daily and probably will have to fight for as long as I live. I must frequently allow people - especially those who have made it clear that they care about me - to be involved in my life, whether it's admitting my faults, venting about my problems, or asking for help, even if it means surrending my own control. I must learn to deal with anger and frustration in healthy ways and not allow bitterness to build up inside me over time. I must effortfully invest in other people's lives while allowing them to invest in mine, even if doing so doesn't come naturally to me. I must constantly remind myself that just because my social personality isn't what the world considers ideal, it is by no means bad or wrong; God created me, knows me, and has a good and unique purpose for me. If you're like me or if you know someone who is, remember that nobody should be forced to live as a Phantom. Don't give up. Keep fighting, or if you haven't already, start fighting. The battle isn't easy, but it's certainly worthwhile. Why? Because life - yes, even the life that you may think doesn't matter - is a precious, unique, and irreplaceable gift that deserves to be cherished, loved, and lived to the fullest.

05/22: One of my many obsessions is making my physical world presentable, both for my own satisfaction and for the enjoyment of others. I would go to extremes to design, build, clean, decorate, and make revisions, usually using everyday household items, until I'm satisfied. Those who saw my college dorm room may recall that I turned the ugly brown tackboard on my wall into a panoramic photo collage and mini-shelf which hid the original board so well that some thought my room came specially equipped. Those who saw my bedroom back at Mom's house may remember the various elaborate exhibits specially designed for my model car collection. In short, when I'm forced to feel at home in an environment that doesn't meet my high standards, I'll do pretty much whatever it takes until it does.

The latest victim of my madness? My office cubicle. One of the first things I noticed upon being introduced to the space I now work at was that there was an unsightly file cabinet with a badly dented top that left an awkwardly-sized gap between the end of my desk and the bordering wall. Another problem - at least what I considered a problem - with the unit I work with was that, unlike in the unit I came from, there was no communal space for snacks - something I believe helps foster relationships and create a positive work environment. I wasn't content with leaving either problem unsolved.

So I got to work - first with a makeshift platform using stack of cardboard boxes to solve the more urgent food sharing problem, then with a more creative long-term solution. Yes, it took a very long time, since my main priority at work is, well, working. But over time, break times were sacrificed, plans were made, materials were collected, pieces started coming together, and now, the space in my cubicle I once considered unsightly is finally something I consider presentable.

05/10: Saying goodbye is rarely an easy thing to do. Whether it's graduating from a school, moving to a new city, or leaving a job, it's hard to not feel at least a little weighed down by the fact that I'm leaving behind something that I may never return to again. Sometimes, such goodbyes are forced upon us. Other times, they are the result of our own choices. But there's no escaping the fact that in this imperfect and constantly changing world, all things - even the best things - will eventually come to an end.

One of the most influential organizations in my life has been Bible Study Fellowship's San Gabriel Young Adult Class. For the past eight years, it gave me the faith-based community of young adults that I desperately needed, especially at the time I first discovered the Class. It helped me commit to a deep and regular study of the Bible, including parts of the Bible that are rarely preached or talked about. It also gave me opportunities to serve in various ways and grow in leadership and interpersonal skills. Throughout the years, I formed friendships that have continued long after people had to leave the class for various reasons. And of course, one of those friends eventually became my wife. I'll never forget that when Tiffany and I had to "interview" each other's parents as part of our pre-marital counseling, one piece of advice her mom gave me was to always continue attending BSF. I never questioned her advice. And to this day, I still don't.

So why say goodbye, then? Those who are familiar with the BSF system know that Young Adult classes are designed for members between 18 and 35 years old, and that members who "age out" are encouraged to transition to one of the many Men's or Women's Classes. (I've heard that that rule has actually been changed now - one of many changes that I believe are not beneficial to the class in the long run. More on that later.) Yes, I still have a few golden years left to enjoy before exiting the "Young Adult" demographic. In fact, it has long been my hope to complete every one of the 10 current BSF studies once in the Young Adult Class before transitioning to the Men's Class. At this point, I'm only off by two studies, meaning I should be right on track to achieve my goal. But like I said earlier, the world is constantly changing. People change. Organizations change. Situations change. And due to the many changes that have taken place in the Class in recent years, I've become fully convinced that it's time to move on.

Let me make it clear first - the San Gabriel Young Adult Class is still a great Class in many ways. In fact, it's still a great Class in the most important ways. It's firmly grounded in God's Word, motivates members to commit to daily Bible study, gives them a place to discuss Scripture regularly, and helps build a community of Christ-centered believers. Those are some of BSF's core values, and also some of the most foundational things to look for in a good Bible study.

But the purpose of a solid foundation is to build upon it. And that's where I believe things have taken a big turn in recent years. The focus of the Class has shifted increasingly away from the traditional, disciplined, and organized ways of doing things and toward a more easy-going, less structured approach. It seems more concerned with quantity than quality, more focused on outward expansion than inward growth. Short-term planning isn't always a bad thing, but over the last few years it has become increasingly evident that the Class lacks unity between different levels of leadership, courage and wisdom in existing leaders, and commitment that is crucial to long-term growth. It breaks my heart to say this, but my groups in these most recent years have been disasterously problematic compared to how groups used to be not too long ago. And I can confidently say that almost all of these problems could easily have been prevented if a little more wisdom was exercised ahead of time.

Many of the changes that took place over recent years were supposedly for the purpose of better catering toward young adults. But I can't help but try to see a bigger picture. Most young adults today, regardless of religion, are too often chasing after their own desires and left feeling confused and unfulfilled. Young adults today are increasingly lacking commitment, discipline, effortful shepherding, and the understanding that God's Word has a higher authority than comfort and convenience. Take a look at how much more time and effort Jesus spent on meeting people's deepest needs than on meeting their surface-level wants. Those who truly want to help young adults grow, whether as a Christian or simply as a person, should focus less on what they think they want and more on what they truly need (even if they don't realize they need it).

When I first joined this Class eight years ago, I was blown away by the fact that, despite my initial skepticism about having to commit one night every week, reschedule my work hours, and drive such a long way to be part of the group, there were other young adults who had to make far greater sacrifices to be there. And that assured me, even after only my first night, that the Class was something truly special and worthwhile - something that, like God's Word, deserves a high priority. Now, the general attitude in the Class is that it's okay for work, leisure, and all kinds of other things to take precedence over commitment to the regular study of God's Word. Jesus never spoon-fed anyone; He met people where they were, but wisely required them to actively and effortfully seek the Truth. Sure, words like "commitment", "discipline", "sacrifice", and "structure" are things that may seem to turn away a lot of young adults. But the question ultimately boils down to whether you want to focus on short-term numerical growth or long-term development of committed members who will then step up and lead others. (Again, consider how Jesus prioritized His ministry.) Years ago, BSF inspired me in so many ways to grow to be a man. Now, it seems to make members feel increasingly comfortable remaining as boys and girls. It has tragically lost the spark that once set it apart from an average church youth group. Maybe I've grown up too fast. And if that's true, then I must move forward to a place where I can continue to grow in the right capacity.

I believe that the responsibility to build a strong community of believers rests on not only "official" leaders, but also every committed member, including myself. And it would be wrong of me to write all this without first having done my best to make a difference. Over the years, I have been a member, music coordinator, pianist, and discussion group leader in the Class. I rarely talk about my leadership experience now, because doing so would usually take the proper focus away from God and from those who are currently in those positions. But I have done my part to offer advice numerous times in areas where it is clearly needed. Time after time, the advice was either watered down in execution or entirely dismissed, reminding me that things now are simply, well, different. All I want is to help this Class, which has so greatly impacted my life, reach its full potential, and it breaks my heart to see people impacted negatively by problems that could have easily been prevented and realize that because most current members were not around for nearly as long as I was, few are able to recognize, or even care to recognize, that potential.

The Bible calls every believer to actively contribute to the good of the Body. And if, based on my God-given experience, giftings, and passion, I can neither grow at full capacity nor serve effectively in this Class, then I can no longer feel at home here. There was a time when I, along with many others, naturally felt a deep sense of ownership in the Class that prompted us to not only commit to it, but also step up and help joyfully in areas where help is needed. Now, typical of short-sighted planning, leaders frequently ask for help but receive little enthusiasm or response. One main reason is that, while it puts much emphasis on boosting and maintaining attendance (and does a great job of it), it neglects the increasing turnover rate and decreasing sense of commitment and ownership. A strong organization speaks for itself; when a person has been deeply impacted, it is only natural for him/her to tell others about it and invite them to experience the same. (Once again, let's go straight to the Bible - How did people respond when Jesus changed their lives?) I'm not insisting that the way things are being done now is entirely wrong. But I'm certain, based on many years of experience and Biblical support, that it definitely can - and should - be better.

With that said, I still believe, and see no reason not to believe, that the San Gabriel Young Adult Class is a huge blessing to many people. After all, its foundation is rooted firmly in Scripture, perhaps even more so than that of many churches. And wherever the Truth is taught, people are blessed and God is glorified. For young adults who are looking for a community to study God's Word in, I definitely still recommend this Class. But we must remember that our growth, both as Christians and as men and women, needs to take precedence over our comfort. And because we, like the rest of the world around us, are constantly changing, there are times when we must rise out of our comfort zones, say goodbye to the past, and courageously step forward.

I'm definitely keeping my mother-in-law's wise advice though. Even though I've left the Young Adult Class, I have already completed the process of transitioning to the nearby Temple City Men's Group when next year's study begins, allowing me to continue my commitment to BSF and the regular study of God's Word in a more mature environment. Of course, it would be wrong for me to assume that switching to a new Class will magically solve all my problems. But given my current desperate need to reignite a desire to commit both physically to attending a fellowship and wholeheartedly to studying God's Word, it certainly will make a difference, even if only by helping me see things from desperately-needed new and different perspectives. Many people have informed me that in the Men's group, I would be one of the youngest members. My response to them has always been, "good!" Having experienced increasing discontent in the past few years over what I perceive to be a lack of maturity in various Christian circles I've been involved in, not to mention having grown up without an earthly father figure and been largely deprived of male role models, being in a Christ-centered community of older men will surely be a tremendous blessing, one that will not only help me grow but also enable me to better lead and serve others.

With all that said, there's still no denying that saying goodbye isn't easy, especially when it comes to something that has played such a significant role in my life for so many years. One of the biggest downsides to this change is that Tiffany and I won't be in the same Class anymore. Given that this is where we first crossed paths and began to build our friendship, I definitely can't help but feel sentimental. (For those who didn't know, the "White Fence" that my instrumental music album was named after refers to the fence outside the Young Adult Class where I prayed before my first visit eight years ago - the prayer that I believe led to me eventually meeting Tiffany). Also, I'll miss being able to regularly see several brothers who have played important roles in my life over the past few years. Ironically, despite the weak leadership and my increasing desire to distance myself from the Class, I've met several people this year that I now hold close to my heart. I hope and pray that our friendships will continue despite not meeting regularly. And I'm confident that my decision to transition out of this Class will ultimately help me to further grow and mature, benefiting both marriage and friendships.

One of the biggest things I learned in this past year's study of Romans is the importance of unity, especially among believers. Throughout my years as a Christian, I've witnessed many splits in various ministries, reminding me that we're all ultimately imperfect humans. But while the world constantly changes, we must remember that God is unchanging and works all things for good. With that in mind, I pray that God will abundantly bless the BSF San Gabriel Young Adult Class with whatever He knows is best. May the Class always be a blessing to those who attend, leading them deeper into the Word of God and into friendships that are firmly rooted in Truth.

On Tuesday night, I stepped out of the Young Adult Class for the final time. Now, it's time to bravely move forward into a new chapter. There will certainly be both new opportunities to embrace and new challenges to face. But the foundation of Truth remains the same, and it is on that unchanging foundation that I must continue building my faith and my life. May God continue leading me according to His good and perfect will, opening my heart and mind to desire His Word and granting me a community where that desire can be nurtured.