10/20: Wow. Has it really been 25 years already? That's enough time for classic cars to become legal to import regardless of emissions and safety laws. That's enough time for a newborn baby to grow up and get a Doctor's degree. That's an entire quarter of a century. And now, that's how long I've survived life without a dad.

A day like today leaves me with an array of mixed feelings. First, and most obviously, I'm sad. I can't help but wonder what each area of my life today would look like had I grown up with a proper father figure. I can't help but feel disappointed every time I come to the realization that I had grown up in a family that, though incredibly loving, is still technically incomplete. Tiffany never got to meet him, and neither will Amias. Perhaps if things had been different, I will now be stronger, wiser, and more capable in various ways.

But going beyond the sorrow, I admit I'm also happy. Even though I only knew Dad from the perspective of a child, I have fond memories of him being loving as a father and husband, successful in his career, and unwavering to the point of death as a Christian. The older I get, the more I find myself taking steps that I believe would make him proud - marrying Tiffany, establishing a career path, buying a home, learning to make various life decisions, and most recently becoming a father. Just ten years ago, I would not have believed that any of these things would take place in my life given my glaring lack of knowledge, skill, and experience. Most of my closer friends thought I would be the last among us to get married, until I beat almost all of them to it. My college degree was probably the least qualified for a stable job with regular income, yet I now enjoy not only a stable income but also a great work environment and a long-term career path with excellent benefits. I grew up with little guidance on how to manage money, and Tiffany and I had to figure many things out on our own as a married couple, yet we've been blessed with the means of purchasing and owning our own home. I mention all these things only because I certainly don't deserve to be where I am now based on my past. But that only serves to prove that God does indeed care for the fatherless, and will continue to do so as a perfect and loving Father. For that, I can't help but rejoice.

Lastly, amidst all the joy and sorrow, I also find myself greatly challenged. Many people go into dating, marriage, financial independence, the working world, and parenthood with expectations and ideas shaped by environment or experience. For me, since I had little to model after (and thankfully had little interest in aspects of culture/society that could have shaped me in drastically wrong ways), I learned to largely blaze my own trails. And aside from practicing the little I know and have seen, my only way to light up those trails is with the Truth - God's Word. Dad once told his parents, who weren't believers at the time, that they needed to believe in Jesus regardless of whether or not He decided to help him overcome cancer. In the same way, I need to hold firmly on to the Truth regardless of whether or not life is easy, or whether or not I think growing up with a dad would actually have made things better. And that's a great challenge, especially as I myself now fill the ever-so-important shoes of a father.

My assurance is in the Truth, and the Truth is that God is, has been, and always will be faithful, loving, powerful, and unchanging. For 25 years He has guided every step of my life and has been sovereign over every decision, every success, every failure, and literally every breath I've taken. And that's never going to change. Only God knows how many years I'll get to spend with Amias, but I hope and pray that he will grow to understand this same Truth and take on this same challenge of believing it and putting it into practice. May our hope be not in anything or anyone in this world, but rather our perfect Father in heaven.

10/14: Recently I had two opportunities to practice something I'm very bad at - public speaking. The first was a presentation at work earlier this month for a training that my group was in charge of. It was the first time in my City career that I had to verbally present something to more than a small handful of people, and as my luck has it, this training took place in our department's largest auditorium, with over a hundred people in attendance, including attorneys, managers, and other people who probably have much more important things to do than listen to my lecture. Looking back, I'm pretty sure I could have done better. But at least people gave us good feedback and I can see that the training is already having a positive impact on our work.

The second public speaking opportunity was last Friday in my church's small group, where I got to tell the group - under a dozen people - about myself, including my past, my faith journey, and my current struggles. Needless to say, this was much easier than the first presentation. I wasn't afraid of being asked questions; after all, I had always wished that my current church community, almost all of who didn't know me until after Tiffany and I met, would know and understand me better. Also, the group was small enough that I felt like I could talk at a conversational level. (Even at job interviews, I tend to not be as nervous as I think I should, simply because I'm really just chatting about myself.) I guess I'm just not a fan of hearing my voice projected through a microphone.

Anyway, my point in saying all this is that I don't always do a good job of presenting myself or communicating what I intend to communicate. As a result, I can't always blame others for not knowing and understanding me the way I want them to. Until last Friday, it had been a very long time since I've publicly shared about my life, and to be honest the biggest challenge in preparing and sharing was avoiding the temptation to tell so many details and stories that I end up boring people to death. After all, my wish is for people to want to know me, not for them to want to avoid me because I won't shut up once I start talking. While I feared being asked difficult questions during my work presentation, I embraced every question here. To be honest, the single biggest problem I have with people closest to me is that we're way too comfortable. Even in settings intended to create accountability and transparency, too much time is wasted in useless chatter when what I truly want (and need) is for someone to care about what's beneath the surface. It's not that people don't care; they're just too distracted to prioritize what's most important. Now it was finally my turn to answer all the questions that people wanted answers to but never actually asked.

I focused on the parts of my life that people didn't know about - my childhood, my dad's passing, the attitude changes that took place in college and led to me switching my major to music, the way I've been both blessed and hurt by church communities... and how all that contributes to who I am today and why I do things and respond to things the way I do. There's no doubt that my attitudes and actions are often flawed. But until I find and address the roots of the problems, I won't be able to change.

Friday's sharing taught me two very important lessons. First, I'm truly blessed, and it's true whether I feel like admitting it or not. There have been so many amazing ways in which God has intricately guided me through challenges which led me to places I never thought were possible. But in the busyness of daily life, it's far too easy to forget about all those things and conclude that I'm living each day simply to get by. Upon taking the time to think about the journey that led me to where I am now and share that journey with others, I'm once again reminded of God's amazing and active role in my life, not to mention the need to continue trusting in Him.

Second, I need to learn to surrender. Based on the feedback I received from brothers and sisters in the room, surrendering seems to be an overarching theme of what I need most right now. The older I get, the more I understand how having a "childlike faith" is increasingly difficult. All of my worldly commitments and responsibilities, plus all of my experiences, both good and bad, make me increasingly confident in myself and unwilling to wholeheartedly surrender to God in fear of repeating past mistakes or reexperiencing past hurts. I shared a lot about my years in college, and thinking about it now, I can't help but remember how people often thought I was a freshman even in my final years, simply because I had a positive attitude of eagerness to embrace opportunities and challenges. Unlike most upperclassmen who became settled in their comfort zones and less willing to explore new places and take new risks, I saw each day as a new opportunity - the beginning of a new adventure. That really reflects a big part what a Spirit-led life should look like. Rather than being so set in my ways now, I need to have faith that God knows more and intends to lead me to do more. He is bigger than my knowledge, my past experiences, and my own abilities, and surrendering to Him means that I must have faith in Him and not let anything else get in the way.

I completely agree with everything I was recommended to do, though it certainly won't be easy. After so many years of living in fear of being hurt or disappointed, how can I just dive into paths that will likely have the same outcomes as if I didn't know any better? As one who strives for excellence in pretty much everything, how can I just do whatever God asks me to do and trust that the results are in His hands even if they're far from what I consider ideal? I know what's right, but I need to expand my faith in order to do it. That's why I'm glad my small group now understands my struggles and can pray for me and make me feel like I'm not in this alone.

Sometimes when I talk about my hurts or problems, it's hard to not let it turn into a rant that serves no good purpose other than my own temporary contentment. I'm glad God gave me the wisdom this time to be honest but not accusational, focused on a desire to grow both as an individual and in relationship with the rest of the church. The journey of surrendering will take time - probably lots of time. But I'm glad I'm not doing it alone, and I pray that I will not only continue receiving support from those around me, but also find strength in return to give to others in similar ways.

09/24: BSF is back in session, and I'm once again reminded of just how great it is to be part of an organized fellowship centered around the Bible. I'm no less thankful for the fact that Tiffany is also back in BSF - now a women's group - after having missed the final month or so of last year's study (for obvious reasons). I had been increasingly convicted that we needed to come up with a solution to the problem of not being able to properly attend Sunday service because of having to step out to frequently take care of the baby. A couple weeks ago, we finally decided Amias was old enough to be dropped off at our church's child care program. Thankfully, it was a great experience, both for him and for us. And as we learn a little at a time to let go when appropriate, we're also learning to put our trust in God together.

This year's BSF study is on the book of Acts. If I'm not mistaken, this is the first study that I'm doing for the second time. Countless things have changed since the last time I studied Acts at BSF (with the Young Adults Class), and I look forward to letting all those things provide me with a fresh new perspective. Over the break, I have re-read the passages from last year's study and also read the book of Luke in preparation for this study. (For those of us who often wonder what to focus our Bible studies on when BSF isn't in session, I suggest either reviewing a recent study or reading something that paves the way for the upcoming study. Some people like to get a head start and read the passages of the upcoming study, but personally I prefer not to do so in order to maintain focus on each week's intended passages without being distracted by foreknowledge.) Having familiarized myself with the sovereign work of God the Father and the life of Jesus the Son, I now shift to the book of Acts, which focuses on the Holy Spirit. I shared with my group recently that, having been a Christian most of my life, I spend way too little time thinking about the fact that the Holy Spirit lives in me, not to mention actually try to pay attention to Him. My prayer is that through this year's study, that attitude will change.

The biggest challenge for me now is being able to manage my time well each week. Over the summer, Tiffany and I have joined one of our church's small groups in addition to our existing accountability/discipleship groups. That, plus our individual BSF meetings each week (and taking care of the baby while the other is gone), means we have very little time to see each other during the week, not to mention take care of necessary duties at home. Only time will tell if we're too busy for our own good. For now, I feel like we're at a point where we really need to prioritize being rooted in Scripture and actively involved in God-centered communities, and I'm glad we've made great progress toward that goal. I hope and pray that as a result, we will be able to better center our lives, marriage, family, and parenting around God.