12/30: I can't believe it's been two whole decades since everybody was freaking out over the Y2K bug. (Even though a major technological apocalypse didn't end up happening, it did help popularize those ever-so-useful portable stoves that every Asian family still enjoys using for hot pot.) Needless to say, my life now is very different from how it was when I was in high school (and when my family still used hot pot stoves that required a power outlet.) Some people believe that as we get older, life tends to become more routine and less exciting. I can definitely see how that's true. But I'm glad to say that this past year has been anything but routine and boring. In fact, in 2019 I experienced some of the most frustrating, most challenging, most humbling, and most rewarding times in my life.

The biggest event of the year, of course, was the birth of Amias in April (5/14 entry). A few months earlier, Tiffany and I were able to treat ourselves to a mini road trip to San Jose and back (2/5 entry). After that, it was all about preparing for the baby. To be honest, I was no less afraid than I was excited. In a sense, it was like facing Y2K - I didn't know what to expect or how crazy I should drive myself in preparation for it, but I was quite sure that life as I knew it would never be the same. And thankfully, things didn't turn out to be apocalyptic. Whether it was because of Amias' personality, our parenting, or God's grace, we quickly realized that while caring for a newborn is a great responsibility and can be both stressful and time-consuming, it doesn't necessarily have to take over our entire lives. In fact, paternity leave for me ended up becoming a precious time of not only learing to love and care for Tiffany and Amias, but also growing in faith and in various life skills (5/20 entry). And that taught me a very important lesson - at the end of the day, I'm still me. Just as getting married doesn't stop Tiffany and I from being ourselves, becoming parents doesn't stop us from being our individual - or married - selves. Yes, there are sacrifices that should be made, and there are times when certain roles must take precedence over others, causing us to change and adapt as needed. But the things that really identify who we are - the way we're shaped by our God-given personalities and experiences, the way we communicate and feel different emotions, the ways we unwind after a long day, the things that motivate us and bring us the greatest joy, encouragement, and strength - these things don't change. This is still my life, and life is the greatest God-given gift a person can receive, to be used for His glory above all else.

Over the years, God has blessed me tremendously in my career, opening doors for me to not only enter the world of civil service but also receive promotional opportunities. In March, I fulfilled my goal of getting hired by the Department of Water and Power, a goal largely fueled by necessity from having picked up the burden of a higher-than-expected mortgage and having to prepare for the costs of raising a child (2/28 entry). The new job continues to challenge me in ways that help me grow both in my career and as an individual, and I enjoy being surrounded by people who, despite being in a busy and rapidly changing work environment, always maintain a positive attitude and motivate me to do the same. A larger paycheck and improved benefits don't hurt, either. And thanks in part to that paycheck, I was recently able to successfully refinance our unnecessarily high mortgage, helping not only ease my financial burden but also bring reasonable resolution to some badly damaged relationships that resulted from the initial loan application process. I may not be the kind of person who ambitiously jumps at every opportunity to get rich or earn a promotion. But by putting me through the challenge of what appeared like a very bad financial situation, God helped me find courage and motivation to switch jobs and better learn to manage money, reminding me each day that He is truly a God who never fails to provide for His children.

Another area where I felt tremendously blessed this year is music. Last month, I finally spent money I had spent many years saving to purchase my first 88-key keyboard - an investment I hope and pray will be used to give God glory through both blessing others and further developing my skills (12/16 entry). Even though I stepped down from recurring ministry commitments after Amias was born, I had opportunities to not only complete a few arrangement projects I had been working on, but also create or play music for a few weddings. The most recent wedding, which was just a few weeks ago, gave me a chance to share the stage with incredibly talented artists who left me both humbled and inspired (12/9 entry). That event helped me realize that despite my questions over the years about why so many factors, including my personality and the people I am (and have been) surrounded with, seem to clash with my ability to excel in my God-given musical gifts, God is undoubtedly still in control and paving paths that I must effortfully and courageously pursue.

Of course, money and accomplishments don't bring nearly as much fulfillment as the people I'm blessed to be surrounded by. On July 4th, I revived the old tradition of hosting barbecue parties for the first time since I moved out of Mom's house. It not only brought together a small group of friends I hold close to heart, but also made me further appreciate the fact that Tiffany and I have now been blessed with our own home - something I would have never thought was possible in my younger days. We had many visitors throughout the year, especially during Tiffany's maternity leave. And having a baby means it's generally much easier to have people come to us than to go out to eat or enjoy other activities. We also enjoyed great times with our families on both sides. Amias' birth has only served to give us more reason to meet up with our parents regularly, and I believe that the presence of a new generation will only serve to bring our families closer over time.

If I had to sum up in a single word everything I've seen, done, and learned in 2019, it would be "life". This year, I've come to understand and appreciate life at a much deeper level. This year marked the passing of my grandmother at the age of 97 and the 25th anniversary of the passing of my father (1/20 entry). I also celebrated new life through the birth of Amias, an experience that helped me witness firsthand how God so intricately creates life. The older I get, the easier it seems to simply cruise along one day at a time and not put much thought into what life is all about. But the truth is that life can be much shorter than I often realize, and is also much more precious than I often realize. And life as a whole is also much bigger than I often realize, with each person being simply a small part of a multi-generational story that began long before I existed and will continue long after I leave this world.

There is no better way to explain life than as a gift from a creative and all-powerful God. With that in mind, I must remember that life is about so much more than just myself. Whether it's through church, work, family, or friends, life finds one of its greatest fulfillments through relationships. I've never been particularly good at building relationships, and as much as hate to admit it, this problem severely affects my ability to grow in faith through community, connect with people who can inspire or guide me in critical ways, find confidence in my ability to lead Tiffany and Amias as a family of three, and serve those who God may be calling me to serve. When it comes to life as a whole, I often can't help but wonder whether I'm slowly growing through all the small victories over the years or slowly stumbling through all the small failures over the years. But if God hasn't given up on me, then why should I give up on myself? He has proven time after time that He is faithful, and rather than focus on my challenges and doubts, I must focus on His unfailing faithfulness. Only God is fully trustworthy, fully unchanging, fully powerful, and fully loving. I must turn to Him as the solid foundation as I continue pursuing this precious gift of life to the fullest.

12/16: One major advantage pianists have over most other instrumentalists is that we often don't have to carry our gear everywhere. At most events I've performed in, either the venue already had a piano or somebody was able to bring a keyboard. At home, I spent my childhood days playing with a couple toy keyboards, until not long after I began taking music lessons when my mom decided it would be a good investment to buy an upright piano. That piano, which still sits at Mom's house today, took care of all my practicing needs until I went to college. The problem with not having to carry my own instrument around, though, was that even after all those years, I still never actually had an instrument to call my own. It was in college that I decided, after what I still consider a series of crazy events orchestrated by God, to get serious about music and pursue it as a major. And that meant that, unless I planned to camp out in the UCLA music building every night (in true "starving musician" fashion), I needed some kind of keyboard instrument in my dorm room in order to develop my skills and complete my assignments.

That was around the same time I got involved in Clay Music, playing at local concerts after the first album's release. The group's bassist at the time, Jacob, saw potential in me and truly went out of his way to invest in me. He connected me with other musicians, drove me to events, introduced me to music that would help me grow, and, upon my decision to major in music, offered to let me borrow his new Roland RS-70 keyboard for my dorm room. Despite my fear of it getting damaged or stolen, he persisted until I accepted his offer. When he eventually decided to relocate to Taiwan, he offered to sell it far below its value for only a few hundred dollars, and though the amount was still difficult to dish out by college student standards, Mom ended up paying the price and, as a special birthday present to me, made that keyboard officially mine.

Thankfully, it never actually got damaged or stolen during my college years. After graduating and moving back home, I re-assembled an old desk left in the garage for years and used it to set up a simple music "studio", connecting the keyboard with my computer so that, through the art of MIDI, I could more easily play, compose, and arrange music that involved far more than just a piano. That was when music truly became something I considered my own. I started writing pieces not because it was required for any teacher or class, but simply because I loved doing so. I also began pursuing music as a part-time job, arranging pieces for various albums and events. Through the course of over a decade, my computer, DAW, mixing headphones, and various other crucial pieces of equipment all had to be replaced, often at hefty prices. But the Roland held its ground, both on stage and at home, and continues to do so today. Despite its increasing number of flaws, including a damaged volume knob and more recently a key that doesn't work (which, thankfully, isn't a frequently used key), I've learned to work around those flaws and continue creating music.

As a pianist, there were a few major problems with the RS-70 that were difficult to overlook, though. As its name suggests, it isn't a full-size (88-key) keyboard. And as with pretty much all reduced-sized keyboards, it doesn't have fully weighted keys. While those problems can all be solved by MIDI magic on recordings, they simply can't be worked around when it comes to practicing and performing. For years I wished for a full-size keyboard, and after saving up money over time from various music projects, I concluded over a year ago that I had saved up enough and would begin researching and shopping. However, the sudden wave of busyness that resulted from preparing for parenthood, buying a home, and looking for a new job left me with no time to take advantage of potential holiday season discounts and, frankly, no desire to add any more expenses on top of the already crazy numbers on my mortgage documents.

Now that the baby is well over half a year old, I've settled well into my new job, and my home has been refinanced with a much better rate, I have a little more time and energy to focus on music. And I concluded that since it had long been my prayer that God would allow me to generate enough income from music projects to buy a new keyboard, I shouldn't be hesitant to spend that money on what it was intended for. I also decided exactly which keyboard to buy - a Yamaha MODX8, the new replacement for the MOXF8 which I had wanted when I initially began researching a year or two ago. When it comes to a keyboard being used largely as a piano substitute, it's hard to beat a brand that's experienced in building both synthesizer keyboards and acoustic pianos. And as one who grew up in Yamaha's music education system and did a lot of performing using Yamaha's Motif keyboards, I knew that the brand's latest product wouldn't disappoint. To be honest, I was torn between the MODX and MOXF, since new MOXF's are still being sold for well below the cost of a MODX. But I concluded that since it's not every day (or every year) I get to buy a new keyboard, I should go for one that paves the way for the future rather than one that's already been replaced by an improved product. So last month I set for myself a tangible goal - to either buy a new MODX8 during Black Friday / Cyber Monday sales or, if no satisfactory deals are found, to look for gently used examples with a warranty and make the purchase as soon as one is found that fits my budget.

God knows that I don't care about having the latest and greatest toys and gadgets to tinker with or show off to others. This purchase would ultimately be an investment in the talents He has blessed me with, and so I had every intention to make it with humility and wisdom. It turned out that the price I had hoped for was a bit too optimistic; some research and calculations made it very clear that even a used MODX with all the required accessories would cost well over what I wanted to pay. But I thank God for seeing my heart and blessing me with an unexpected miracle - a last-minute opportunity to get not only the keyboard, but also all the accessories, at far below the market price.

Within a week, everything arrived at my door. And as if the original blessing weren't enough, the two days during which the packages arrived (and sat outside until Tiffany or I returned home from work) were the only two days of the week in which it didn't rain. As for the price, let's just say that if I were to change my mind now and sell everything as used products, I would still turn a decent profit. But of course, that's not going to happen. I definitey won't take what God has so graciously blessed me with and use it for selfish gain. And besides, after so many years of wishing and wanting, I finally have a full-size keyboard now!

One of my biggest regrets as a post-graduate musician is not seizing the opportunity to play the famous Hammond organ at the Hollywood House of Blues when I performed there many years ago. That would have been a big deal because the organ contains the fingerprints of some of modern music's most revered talents. My point in bring this up is that while many instruments are mass-produced, every example has a unique story. And looking back now, my Roland RS-70 is no exception. Throughout the past decade and a half, it was used to create arrangements for various albums, including for songs that have touched many hearts and helped lead people to know Jesus. It made appearances at several notable venues including Universal CityWalk, USC's Bovard Auditorium, and the aforementioned House of Blues. On a personal level, it played a critical role in all the music I wrote and arranged as a hobby, not to mention the pieces used when I proposed to Tiffany and on our wedding day, which were eventually recorded and published as an album. Who would have guessed that a generous offer from a friend so many years ago would end up becoming such a blessing?

Actually, the RS-70 isn't being sent away to musical heaven just yet. (It seems like most people believe the angels in heaven prefer to play harps, anyway.) When selecting accessories for the new MODX, I intentionally chose a two-tiered keyboard stand knowing that, while an 88-key keyboard is certainly a big upgrade, there are still benefits to having a smaller synth to use simultaneously, whether as a MIDI controller or as an additional voice on stage. So while the Yamaha will now be my primary instrument, the Roland will continue playing an active role in the music I create in the foreseeable future.

Still, it's time to shift my focus to the beginning of a new chapter. It may be easy to assume that this new keyboard, unlike the old one, was the result of my own hard-earned money. But to be honest, all that hard-earned money was the result of the many opportunities given to me over the years that wouldn't have been possible without God's sovereign orchestration. I would have never guessed back in college that the RS-70 would accompany me in so many incredible adventures. In the same way, I believe the MODX8 will also open doors for me to go to places I haven't been to and impact people's lives in ways I can't even imagine now. This keyboard is certainly a gift from God, and I pray that I'll dilligently strive to use it to give Him glory.

12/09: In the Presence of Greatness

Everyone is gifted in one way or another, whether it's through education, experience, skill, talent, or any combination of those. Sometimes we can become too prideful, boasting in our own knowledge or achievements. But when we approach our gifts with the right attitude, they open windows to help us see new perspectives of the God who first gave them to us in ways that most other people cannot. An aspiring athlete who goes through rigorous training and practicing can appreciate the skills of an NBA star far more deeply than a fan cheering from the stands. An astronaut who understands the scientific intricacies of outer space can marvel at the universe more profoundly than anyone who lacks that knowledge. No matter what field of expertise we're in, we're blessed with an ability to bear witness to a unique piece of heaven - a unique aspect of our amazing, all-knowing, and all-powerful Creator.

Over the years, I've played piano for dozens of weddings for people with all kinds of personalities, cultural backgrounds, and musical preferences. Whether it's for a friend or for a client, I always feel greatly honored to use what God has given me to bless others on their special day. But until this past Saturday, never has playing for a wedding left me feeling so humbled, honored, and deeply alive.

First, this wedding reunited me with a very important part of my past. The groom was none other than Marcus, who I had the honor of serving alongside in our last few years at GCCI. While the system we worked under had its share of problems which ultimately led to us parting paths along with many others, it undeniably nurtured us and played an important role in making us who we are today. For me, it was years of opportunities to play on musical worship teams and develop my skills while learning to work together with other musicians. For him, it was the beginning of his arts ministry, Dream and Imagine, which continues to bring together many gifted Christian artists to give God glory through creativity. And for us, it was the place where two artistically-minded introverts from very different backgrounds crossed paths and became blessings in each other's lives. Also at the wedding was Bryan, everyone's favorite MC both at GCCI and at Dream and Imagine's Coffeehouse events (who, of course, was MC for this wedding as well), along with a few brothers I had served with through Dream and Imagine probably around 15 years ago but had not seen since. In a sense, it was like living those good old days all over again. But there's no denying that we've all changed, whether it's getting married, having children, establishing a career path, or progressing in our God-given ministries. That means that this was a celebration of not only the past, but also all that God has done in our lives between then and now.

Second, this wedding was certainly no ordinary ceremony. As a fellow artist I completely understand Marcus' heart to make this day both fulfilling at a personal level and memorable for the guests. That's why I went to great lengths to compose an original soundtrack for my own wedding. And that's why he expanded his wedding ceremony into an actual concert, sharing a piece of Dream and Imagine with everyone present, including some who may otherwise not be exposed to it. My role in this event was to play piano during the actual processional, which followed about half an hour of musical performances. Even so, the music I had to play was more technically challenging than anything I'd ever played at a wedding, upholding the artistic excellence of the performances as everyone walked down the aisle. Thanks to Marcus' many connections, he pulled together an incredible lineup of talented and professional performing artists, some of whom I had the honor of meeting or collaborating with back in the early days of Dream and Imagine. From the moment he asked me over a month ago to play for his big day, I was humbled by his decision to include me, certain that I didn't deserve to share the stage with those of such great talent, and determined to do my absolute best to make my few minutes at the piano count.

That meant countless hours of listening to, transcribing, and practicing the music I needed to play. I practiced not only on my keyboard at home, but also on my lap and on my desk at work, on the train, and just about anywhere else imaginable. Through it all, I was definitely enjoying doing what I love. But I can't deny that I was also, very, very anxious, especially because my schedule in the weeks preceding the wedding was very busy (including recording music for another wedding a couple weeks earlier). I knew that every opportunity to practice and prepare had to be seized in order to sound even half decent.

Then suddenly the big day came. I found myself in the presence of a combination of familiar faces, professional artists with at least a hundred times more experience than I have, and others who had no idea who I was or what I was capable (or incapable) of doing. The church had a section of choir seats on the side of the stage, just a few feet away from the piano, largely hidden from the audience. I opted to join a few of the artists in sitting there during the concert and ceremony to avoid disrupting the flow of the program by walking on and off stage. (Anxiety may cause me to do stupid things, and the last thing this wedding needed was for the pianist to trip over a cable, knock over a couple bridesmaids, and turn the whole place into a circus). I introduced myself to Leon, who was sitting next to me. The program begin shortly afterwards, and it wasn't until later that I found out he was also a pianist.

There's something very special about watching a performance from the stage. Sure, the sound may not be as good (since the main speakers are always pointed toward the audience), but you get to see and feel so much more of the intricate emotions and techniques being expressed and utilized, and that's especially meaningful to a fellow musician who, frankly, still gets anxious with every stage appearance. Eventually Leon went the piano and led a few songs with his gospel choir. I watched in awe as he played, sang, and led with seemingly no effort, often using complex chords and techniques that were probably from distant planets. I often tell people that I believe music is a language - a means of expression and communication. Leon embodied that as perfectly as I have ever witnessed, and I got to experience it all from so close that I could see the design of his wedding ring as he played. After their performance, Bryan asked him a few questions, and it was mentioned at that time that he had the honor of performing at Billy Graham's funeral, as well as various national and international events.

Then, just a few seconds later, Bryan announced that the actual ceremony was beginning (I didn't know the order of the performances), meaning it was my turn to go to the piano. Thanks for helping me set the bar at a reachable level. There I was, about to use my peasant fingers to wipe off from the keys the fresh fingerprints of the guy who has played in some of the most prestigious events in modern history. Why didn't Marcus just have Leon play a little longer while everyone walked down the aisle? After all, this music would certainly be no challenge for him. It took some serious self-convincing to push aside all the unnecessary pressure and self-pity and simply treat this as another one of my countless practice sessions in which I wanted to sound as good as possible. It wouldn't be easy, but at least it would be over in just a few short minutes.

Or so I thought. Apparently the kind groom decided that since he chose and liked the music I was playing, he would let the whole audience enjoy it pretty much in its entirety before sending anybody down the aisle. By the time I was near the end and looked up, I was surprised that not a single person had walked yet, meaning I had to play it again. And again. And again. By the way, did I mention that the music was a little on the technically demanding side? That meant that playing it for more than a few minutes was quite a workout, and each repetition was another opportunity for me to lose focus, stumble in exhaustion, or do something else to make a complete fool of myself.

Thank God for sustaining my mind and my fingers through what felt like the longest wedding ceremony I'd ever played for. The bride made her way down the aisle, and I played my last note. At last, it was finished. After over a month leading up to this moment and countless hours of practicing, I actually did it. There were definitely a few blemishes here and there, and more practicing could have made the music sound far more polished. But overall, I managed to pull off a performance that, while leaving room for improvement as always, didn't disappoint me.

Apparently it didn't disappoint anyone else either. I walked back toward the bench where I was originally sitting. Leon shook my hand as I passed by him. After the ceremony, he complimented my performance, and I told him I was truly honored and didn't deserve to share the stage with him. We acknowledged that it was by God's grace alone that we could be where we were. I got to play briefly with the portable synthesizer he brought, and we exchanged a few more words before parting paths. The rest of the day was spent mingling with others in the church courtyard and enjoying the lunch reception afterwards. But everything that took place during the ceremony never left my heart and mind.

It's easy to feel excited when receiving a lot of praise for something you've done or when seeing or meeting people you feel are worthy of praise. But to be honest, I neither feel like a star nor consider myself "starstruck". (After all, this wedding really wasn't about me at all!) What's really causing my heart to beat with excitement now ultimately boils down to two things. First, I feel understood. And second, I feel inspired.

Most of us can't really tell the difference between talking to a rocket scientist with one year of experience and talking to one with 30 years of experience, simply because we can't perceive the depth of their field of expertise. A few weeks ago, I had mentioned the wedding while talking with a friend who enjoys my piano playing, and she told me it was hard to imagine the talent of artists that I said I truly didn't deserve to be counted among. Most people don't understand simply because they haven't majored in music or performed at a professional level. (In the same way, I definitely won't understand most of the things they studied in college or currently do at work!) Affirmation is always a blessing, but few things are as powerful as affirmation backed with understanding. As a fellow musician, I can testify to the amount of talent that filled the room that morning. When I was complimented and affirmed by Leon and some of the other artists after the wedding, their words pierced straight to the bottom of my heart. Why? Because they understand. In fact, what separates me from the rest of them is that, despite us all being fellow musicians and servants of Jesus, their level of understanding, thanks to their extensive experience, far supercedes my own. I'm no stranger to hearing people say I'm good at music. But for the first time in what seems like forever, I actually feel understood. One genuine word of affirmation from someone who truly understands is worth unfathomably more than the applause of a thousand enthusiastic fans. And the affirmation I received from these incredible artists, even if only through a few quick words, leaves me with tearful joy and motivation to continue investing unceasingly in the gifts that God has given me.

Adding fuel to that motivation is the inspiration received from all the performances. As a new father, I have trouble fully comprehending how babies can so easily be overstimulated to a point where they're unable to calm down and sleep even though they're exhausted. Now, for the first time as an adult, I think I understand exactly what that feels like. From seeing and hearing all the performances one after another, experiencing all the emotions, and witnessing all the talent, I'm so deeply inspired that I don't know what to do with everything flying through my head. My mind is blown. What I've taken in is far beyond my comprehension and far beyond my ability to rightfully respond to. It's like suddenly seeing new colors and dimensions that my limited thoughts and words simply cannot describe. And, just like a baby refusing to sleep, I found myself lying awake almost the entire night, my head spinning in all kinds of crazy directions, refusing to stop and let me rest. No wonder so many artists often find themselves staying up all night to pour out their creativity!

This inspiration may seem unfathomable, but it's also somehow so beautiful and so powerful. Fusing together the technical and the emotional, it makes me want to learn more, do more, and feel more than I ever thought was possible. Yes, the whole experience of playing for this wedding was truly nerve-wrecking. But it was also absolutely exhilirating. It left me exhausted, but also more alive than I'd ever felt in a long time. This is what I live for, and this is what I must continue striving to live for as an act of worship to God. The one-year rocket scientist, though already a genius to many, may find great joy in watching his creation launch into space and receiving recognition for his achievement. But rather than cause him to halt his progress, that joy should compel him to build even better, fly even farther, and ultimately fall in humble amazement at the feet of God who created a universe larger than human knowledge can ever fathom. Music is a gift from God, used ever since the Biblical days to worship Him and bless others. The way thousands of pitches, tones, and rhythms come together to create a masterpiece reflects the way billions of atoms come together to make life - life so intricately formed that it simply could not have come into existence by mere chance. And as one who understands, how should I rightfully respond?

In the presence of greatness, I am humbled. As if seeing a glimpse of heaven, I am brought to my knees in awe of the creative, understanding, all-powerful God who cares to call me His own. Whatever struggles I face, Jesus has not only experienced but also overcome it. He fully understands, and offers encouragement that no one else can. This is why we need to not just believe in God, but seek to know Him. The more we know, the more we understand the depth of His greatness and are able to respond accordingly. I've now come to see that as a musician, I've received a far greater gift from God than the ability to make music - the ability to see God's beauty through the unique lens of creativity and encourage similarly gifted brothers and sisters to do the same. That's why it's so important for like-minded believers to gather together in God-honoring fellowship. I now see and know without doubt that this fellowship is something I've long lacked and desperately need. A wedding marks a new beginning of life characterized by commitment. This may not be my wedding, but through it I've found a new beginning - the beginning of actively seeking and pursuing whatever it takes to help me remain unwaveringly committed to my growth both as a musician and as a Christian. I resolve to do my best, and if it is honoring to God, then may He bless this journey and lead me to increasingly know and glorify Him.

12/02: It's no surprise that most women have a decently-sized collection of personal tools used for grooming and "prettying up". (I have a wife, so I know. And to be fair, I'm sure Tiffany's collection isn't nearly as massive as many other ladies'.) For most of us men, our collections tend to be much smaller, sometimes even as small as one single gadget - a shaver. As with most Asians, I was pretty late to join the shaving party - my mom bought me my first electric shaver back when I was in high school, and even through my college years I only used it occasionally. That shaver was somewhat of a rite of passage to manhood, and even though there wasn't anyone around to show me how to really use it, I figured out what it took to make various parts of my face look clean, and continue putting that important skill to use almost every day now.

I always respect companies that build products that stand the gruesome test of time. I take pride in the fact that my old Honda ran for over a decade with minimal mechanical issues (until I idiotically ruined it), and in the fact that my first iMac, now around 13-14 years old, can still start up and run almost as good as new. No less impressed am I that my good ol' Remington rotary shaver has blessed me with almost two decades of faithful service.

11/20: I'm very glad to say that I've been kept quite busy lately thanks to some music projects, namely two weddings that I have the honor of making or playing music for. Prior to this, things had been rather quiet on the music front (aside from a few ongoing arrangement projects) since I got busy with moving, pregnancy, and my job transition. Looking back, I think my overall perspective on music has changed quite a bit compared to how it was just a year ago. For a long time, I'd been focused on building up music as a business, meaning generating income that can be used for equipment upgrades and other expenses. Yes, that's still my dream. But in the midst of being so business-minded, I'd lost focus on why I create music in the first place - because I love it, and because God blessed me with the ability to do so. This right thinking has always been much easier to apply to my other hobby - exotic cars - simply because my exposure and revenue there have been steady enough that I can easily focus on doing what I love without worrying about numbers. But with music, that's always been a bigger challenge.

It's challenging not only because I desire a higher financial return for what I do, but also because I've always struggled to connect with the right people. Financially, I now see more clearly than ever thanks to my current job that God truly provides and will always continue doing so according to His will. If it weren't for my compartmentalized mind that likes to separate my finances for cars, music, and everything else into what are essentially separate entities (which isn't necessarily a bad thing), I would honestly say that what I've been blessed with is already more than enough. And over this past year, the combination of overall financial stability and an ever-increasing hunger to grow in musical abilities and opportunities has allowed me to shift my focus farther away from money and closer to my love for music and ability to bless others with it.

Yes, I want to use music to benefit others, far more than I want to get paid for it. This is especially true now that Tiffany and I are taking a break from serving on our church's musical worship team and the only person who really hears my music is myself. I continue to believe, however, that there's a huge difference between wanting to bless others and constantly throwing myself under the bus. As a musician, few things hurt me more than being underappreciated, misunderstood, and taken advantage of. When it comes to fellow musicians, I don't discriminate based on musical knowledge or skill level, but simply want to see mutual motivation to grow and improve rather than simply settling and having fun. When it comes to audiences, I don't look for praise or expertise, but simply expect people who appreciate and recognize that good music doesn't fall from the sky. This essentially sums up why I've backed away from many "opportunities" I've been given over the years, and why I continue this day to wrestle with how to rebuild trust in people or communities that have deeply hurt me. With my car hobby, even though it's far less personal, at least my long-established YouTube channel allows my passion to be shared with those who appreciate and/or understand it, which in turn adds to my existing motivation to continue doing what I do. What I need now is to find that same kind of channel for music.

The two upcoming weddings are definitely a small but great start. And throughout the process of preparing for them, I've come to realize that there are essentially two types of people I want to surround myself with now. First (in no particular order) are those who appreciate what I do. I'm not talking about people who praise me for my abilities, but simply people who acknowledge and respect the hard work. Second are those who make me feel like I'm not good enough. As an artist I can't help but be heavily influenced by the type of people I'm with. Having spent what I feel is too much time with those who weren't called to pursue music professionally and don't desire to grow despite their great potential, I often find myself feeling either too boastful or too unmotivated. I need to be reminded in tangible ways that, honestly, I'm really not all that good. There's far more out there that I can and should learn, and I must connect with people who help me set higher goals. I'm glad that the two upcoming weddings will serve as opportunities for me to cross paths with both of these types of people.

And as for the whole business aspect of it all, I'm glad to say that I've finally set myself an immediate goal - to purchase an 88-key keyboard over Thanksgiving weekend or, if no good deals are found, to actively seek opportunities and make the purchase as quickly as possible. This is something I had saved up money for years to buy, and while I had originally planned to get a keyboard about a year ago, the busyness of home purchasing and the shocking dollar amounts associated with it made me hesitant to make another large transaction. Still, if God blessed me with this money (all of which was earned and saved over the years through music-related income as I had always hoped), I shouldn't hesitate to spend it on what should certainly be seen as an investment, both in my own musical growth and in the actual music I make.

Ultimately, it's all for God's glory. Everything I have comes from Him - my skills, my experiences, my degree, my possessions, and my opportunities. In fact, even my hurts and disappointments are all within the scope of His goodness and sovereignty. There are still many questions I have yet to find answers for, including why He allowed me to go through so many disappointments, why it's so difficult to find a suitable place for my gifts in ministry, and why He allowed my personality to be shaped so radically differently from that of a typical successful musician in today's world. But for now there's one thing I know for sure - I love music and have been blessed with the ability to create it. That alone is enough to tell me that I shouldn't give up. I have yet to find out whether these two weddings are the beginning of a new wave of motivation/opportunity or simply a small flash of light in a path that will continue to seem long and dark. But God doesn't waste resources, and neither should I. May His will continue to be done, and may I continue to find hope and strength to pursue my love for music, no matter where the path leads me.