12/31: Last Sunday I listened to a sermon in which the pastor began with the words "Hindsight is 2020". I can't help but wonder how many years he had waited for that very moment. Still, I always love a good play on words (or in this case, play on numbers. Is that still considered a pun?) I think the pastor could have walked right off the stage after that opening statement, and it could have gone down in history as one of the most concise but thought-provoking sermons ever. Yes, we all know that 2020 has been, at the very least, different. And we all know that things tend to be much more clear when we look back at them after they have happened. But it isn't until we take time to really look and think back at how our lives and the world around us have changed over the past year that we can really put things into the right perspective.

I find it hard to believe that in the beginning of 2020, my normal life still consisted of commuting to and from work in Downtown L.A. on crowded trains every day and attending church and BSF in person each week. I met up with friends and family members regularly with little reason to hesitate. I attended a big wedding celebration, enjoyed a Lunar New Year family dinner at a crowded Chinese restaurant, and watched the Super Bowl on a huge projector screen with many friends and lots of great food. I received a jury summons for the first time in around a decade, and ended up actually serving on a jury for the first time (2/24 entry). I worked with a friend to arrange music for an epic concert planned for the summer. Tiffany left her job after accepting a new teaching position at the preschool Amias was attending, allowing them to spend more time together and eliminating the need to pick him up after work every day. Face coverings were associated with either those who were excessively paranoid about germs or those who were clearly up to no good. Restaurants, shopping centers, travel industries, and entertainment venues thrived as our pleasure-seeking culture continued to flourish. Most people didn't know (and didn't care to know) the difference between an epidemic and a pandemic. Several people around me were boastfully claiming that people were excessively freaking out about the virus outbreak and that it was no less severe than the common flu. There was no such thing as "COVID-19", and the yet-to-be-named Coronavirus was, like most other similar outbreaks in recent times, something that Americans in general had little to worry about.

Then in March, everything changed within a span of a few weeks. Several Western countries began to implement travel bans and lockdowns as the pandemic clearly became a global threat, and those restrictions soon became a reality for Americans as well. Within days, the executive management at my job went from saying that telecommuting was out of the question to saying that telecommuting would begin almost immediately. That's when it really hit home for me. Most of us spoiled Americans are used to watching disasters from TV or computer screens without really feeling their impacts on those involved. But this time, it's as real as it can get. One by one, places and events got postponed or cancelled. Getting even the most basic groceries often involved an hour-long wait as people hoarded supplies as if the world were ending. Church and small group gatherings were either cancelled or replaced with Zoom meetings. Tiffany's work (Amias' school) decided to temporarily close down until further notice. Tiffany's grandma passed away (due to non-pandemic-related reasons), and despite her great impact on many people, the memorial service was limited to only a small number of close family members. Leaving home meant stepping under what felt like a giant cloud of fear and uncertainty that covered the entire world around us. I had estimated then that the impacts of COVID-19 on Americans would last at most a few months. As we can all see now, my crystal ball certainly needs to be replaced.

From the day I began working from home, I viewed it as a precious opportunity. I no longer had to wake up before sunrise every day to catch the train, and gained over two hours of free time every day by not having to commute. Plus, when I completed my work more quickly or when work was light, I was able to do many productive things at home that could not have been done in the office. I first learned to treasure free time at home while taking paternity leave last year at around the same time. When I returned to work, there was still much I wanted to do that time didn't allow me to do. This time, I was ready to pick up from right where I left off (4/20 entry). I committed to a daily physical workout plan. I cleaned every room of our home in detail. I retrieved my old piano books from Mom's house and, with the help of my new keyboard, began practicing classical music to rebuild the skills and techniques that have greatly suffered after years without proper practicing. I also read books and took several online tutorials on orchestration techniques while writing new pieces to apply what I learned. With Tiffany and Amias both home, we were able to spend much more time together as a family, witnessing each day of Amias' growth in learning to walk, talk, interact with people, and develop all kinds of new skills. And as a bonus, I also learned to cook a few new items and mix a few new drinks.

When the severity of the pandemic began to lessen in the early summer months, Tiffany and I resumed occasionally going out to order take-out food (something we refrained from in the first several months due to safety and financial concerns). We visited family members and also met up with friends on occasion. I also returned to the automotive event scene, which, due to the pandemic, had evolved away from large organized gatherings and toward unofficial and more casual meet-ups. This gave me opportunities to go to new places and meet new people while enjoying less traffic along the way. Thankfully, because my YouTube channel is focused on diversity rather than what's newest and most popular, the pandemic did little to keep it from continued growth.

One area in which Tiffany and I found the most struggle and the most blessing in is finances. Even before March, some unexpected circumstances led to not only great financial loss, but also probably one of the greatest road bumps in our relationship. Plus, when Tiffany's school closed down indefinitely with no guarantee that teachers would continue getting paid, we had to make major changes to our family budget to accommodate. But from there on, we came to find many blessings. First, by reevaluating our budget, we were able to cut several unnecessary expenses and focus on what best fit our needs. Also, it turned out Tiffany was able to continue receiving a fraction of her pay until the school reopened. I can't forget to mention the fact that despite an uncomfortably long wait to confirm a start date for her new job, she ended up starting just a week before the unexpected shutdown, securing her name the payroll throughout this time. As for me, my department, unlike many others, has been able to not only withstand the financial challenges of the pandemic without requiring any furloughs, but also continue providing previously negotiated pay increases and cost-of-living adjustments. On top of all that, we refinanced our home mortgage with a much better interest rate, and it certainly didn't hurt to receive some free stimulus money from the government! At the peak of pandemic-related fear in March, I decided to dive into the world of investing - something I had shown some interest in before but never really took action on. Over the past several months, I took classes and learned from more experienced investors while putting what I learned to practice. There's still so much to learn, but let's just say that if I applied what I know now to my initial investment in March, I would be quite rich now!

Of course, it's much easier to say that now than it would have been to act on it at the time. After all, hindsight is 2020! And that serves as an excellent reminder that we shouldn't be boastful about the future, which we know little about and have little control over. Rather, we should look back, recognize God's faithfulness throughout time, and put our faith in Him. In investing, consistent and repeated trends often signal a high chance of continued movement in that direction. Similarly, God's consistent and repeated faithfulness give us absolute reason to believe that He will continue to be faithful.

My faith is something I've wrestled with in many ways over this past year. In the early months of 2020, I was still in an extended period of facing increasing doubt and fear regarding my faith, trying to take action to resolve those doubts and fears, being weighed down by trying circumstances, and generally living my life without seeking closeness with God. After about a month into the lockdown, it became clear that my attitude affected not only myself, but also my family. While Tiffany and I had generally been enjoying the freedom of being at home every day, our relationship became focused almost entirely on taking care of various chores, fueled by both Tiffany's worries stemming from taking care of Amias without the school's help and my own self-centered desire to make the most of my time and see as much get done at home each day as possible. Our relationally-focused interactions clearly decreased, and our conflicts clearly increased. Thankfully, this led to one of our family's most pivotal moments in 2020, when God gracefully led me to come to terms with my lackluster attitude toward faith and family and prompted me to discuss my concerns with Tiffany and initiate a regular time of Bible study together (5/20 entry).

These Bible studies have played a crucial role in reminding us to put God first, both in our own lives and in our relationship, acknowledging our shortcomings and encouraging each other to grow. Since then, we have not ceased to study God's Word together at least once a week on top of our individual commitments to BSF and church functions. Despite not being able to gather in person with our church and BSF families, we remained consistently committed to attending online meetings, and have grown in faith as we learned to navigate through 2020's challenges with a proper perspective.

As we all know, there have definitely been more than a few challenges to navigate through. Our nation experienced racial injustice, political division, a shocking amount of violence, and an increasing attitude of distrust and rebellion toward leaders and officials. Closer to home, we were dangerously close to two major wildfires only about a month apart (9/15 entry). Aside from our own struggles, we witnessed many close to us who faced relationship challenges, wrestled with their faith, suffered from financial loss due to unemployment or riots, or lost loved ones due to the pandemic. In most recent months, just as it seemed like COVID-19 was somewhat under control and life was getting closer to "normal", the sudden spike in new cases put everyone back on alert again as the situation quickly became even worse than it was back in March. Even as the availability of vaccines brings a glimmer of hope to many, there are concerns about when it will become available to the general public and how reliable it will prove to be in the long run. Plus, reports of a new and possibly worse strain of the virus are creating new worries about when, if ever, mankind will stand victorious over this pandemic. As much as we may hate to admit it, flipping the calendar to a new year really doesn't change anything other than a number, and complaining about how 2020 sucked really doesn't do anything to increase the chances of 2021 being any better. We simply don't know how long the world's current problems will last, and we really have absolutely no control over when, if ever, the world will return to "normal".

That's why it's so important for us to have the right perspective. It is by God's grace alone that we can wake up each morning and live the lives that we have. It is through God's power and creative spirit that mankind has made so many advancements and overcome so many of the problems resulting from a world tainted by sin. This world will not cease to have problems, and until we learn to stop boasting about our abilities and opinions and living lives characterized by self-indulgence, and until we learn to humble ourselves before God who is sovereign over everything and works all things for the good of those who trust Him, we will be constantly looking for true hope and satisfaction but never finding it.

With that perspective, I look back at 2020 and its many challenges and can't help but reach one conclusion - I'm so blessed. I'm so blessed to have spent so much precious time with my family through working from home. I'm so blessed to have grown through financial and economic struggles and ended up far better off than I was before. I'm so thankful that my family and friends are safe and healthy. I'm so thankful to have accomplished so much more than I ever thought was possible through having more time at home. I'm so thankful that God graciously lifted Tiffany and I out of our relational struggles and brought our focus back to faith in Him. In a time filled with loss and hurt for so many people, we're so blessed to have our family, to have our jobs, to have our home, to have good health, to be safe every day, and most of all, to know God and find hope and peace in Him. Our lives now are truly so much better than we deserve, and we must respond by giving God glory through having grateful hearts and sharing His love and kindness with those around us. We still have many questions about where God is leading us in the future both near and far. But we trust that He will faithfully guide and lead us as we strive to faithfully seek Him. 2020 has been challenging, but it has also proven that God is, indeed, faithful. And while we may not know when this pandemic will end or what 2021 will look like, we know for certain that He will continue to be faithful as we put our trust in Him. We thank God for a year full of blessings, and look forward to where He will lead us in 2021.

11/12: A major transition in life often involves some sort of catalyst. Sometimes, our desire to remain comfortable or avoid taking risks can prevent us from making important decisions or stepping forward into new chapters in life - until something happens that forces us to take action. These catalysts are often painful at time, but in the end they prove that God loves us too much to let us settle for less than the best. By failing to find acceptance among my peers in school, I learned at a young age to look to God for satisfaction and wisdom. By repeatedly doing poorly in classes in college, I recognized my passion for music and desire to pursue it at a professional level. By running into what seemed like dead ends in various past jobs, I ended up finding new opportunities that helped me grow in new ways. By being stuck with an unexpectedly high mortgage payment after buying our home, I found the courage and motivation that led me to my current job.

COVID-19 has definitely created catalysts for change in all kinds of ways, and despite the great challenges resulting from it, many of us can look back now and appreciate having picked up new hobbies, developed better money management skills, enjoyed quality time with loved ones, or learned to appreciate simple things like good health that are often taken for granted. Tiffany and I have experienced all of these things. But the past several months have also prompted us to face some very important decisions. These decisions stem from concerns that have been on our minds and in our hearts for quite some time already. But while we had talked about them many times, we were never certain enough or determined enough to actually take any action. Personally, I know that I'm very bad at taking initiative to step out of my comfort zone. What I needed was a catalyst. And now that catalyst has come.

I won't go into details about exactly what we're deciding at this point. But this decision will certainly impact us for many years to come, if not for the rest of our lives. For me, it requires revisiting some of the greatest hurts and most puzzling unanswered questions of my past. For both Tiffany and me, it requires stepping away from what we're comfortable with and facing all kinds of new challenges that only time will reveal. I know that God is unchanging; He is just as faithful now as He has been in the past. That's why I'm thankful that He has given me the courage to lead our family in navigating through what may be a long period of uncertainty. I spent about a week organizing all my thoughts and bringing them before God. Last Saturday, Tiffany and I sat down to discuss our thoughts and concerns, and we concluded that we will move forward with what has been pressing on our hearts.

Our decision brought me to tears. Beside the great uncertainty ahead, I must also surrender a lot of doubt, fear, and pain, spanning from childhood to the present, before God. And we will both have to say some heartbreaking goodbyes. But after having spent much time seeking wisdom from God, we both believe our decision is pleasing to Him. And if that's the case, we must move forward courageously and without hesitation. And we must continue eagerly and humbly seeking God's wisdom daily as we navigate through each step of this journey. We may not know where we're going or when we'll get there. But God knows all things, and as long as we seek to glorify Him, He will certainly lead us there. I pray that God will allow our personal preferences and desires, as well as our past experiences, to impact this journey only to the extent that it helps us find the right direction, but not so that they will blind us from putting Him first. He alone knows what the future holds, and He alone knows what's best for us, both individually and as a family. I pray also that God will give us the strength, courage, and determination to keep stepping forward and not settle for anything less than the best. We're only doing what we're doing because we believe it is glorifying to Him. May His great and perfect will be done.

11/01: A prayer of hope in light of the 2020 Election and the increasing unrest across the nation:

God Bless America. Not with strength to run with our own feet, but with humility to fall on our knees before Him. Not with voices to be heard, but with ears to listen and hearts to love and forgive. Not with power to solve our own problems, but with wisdom to put our faith in Him. Not with pride in our accomplishments, but with reverence for Him who gives us the ability to accomplish. Not with prosperity and wealth to sustain ourselves, but with brokenness that makes us whole. Not with identities tied to race, social status, or politics, but with unity in knowing that each of us was created uniquely in God's image, with a divine purpose, in a world tainted by sin that leaves us hopeless without a Savior. Not with people who criticize or complain about leaders and authorities, but with those who invest prayerfully in them. Not with leaders who boast in themselves, but with those who truly believe in "one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all".

"If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land." (2 Chronicles 7:14)