02/24: Over the past couple years there has been many major changes regarding my participation in various church or fellowship activities. I haven't said much about them since it will still be a while before things actually settle down. But long story short, Tiffany and I now regularly participate in a church and a small group curriculum where the sermons and discussion topics often make me cringe in disagreement only to soon recognize the selfish and corrupt condition of my heart and my constant need to be transformed by God's grace. That's definitely a good thing, because it's the very example Jesus set throughout Scripture. He taught out of love and obedience to God, but His words rarely if ever allowed anyone to remain feeling comfortable. His teachings demanded change. Growth. Transformation. Without this sanctification process, churches become stagnant, Christian living becomes little different than worldly living, and nonbelievers don't see a testimony that reflects the true power of the Gospel. I want to share one instance from a few days ago when I experienced such a deep conviction.

In a virtual small group discussion about generosity and giving, the group leader pointed out the keyboard sitting next to me. Yes, for those who know, it's the Yamaha MODX8 that I bought a couple years ago. While I bought it with the intention of putting it to use, and have been doing so almost on a daily basis, I must admit it also makes a pretty sweet Zoom background and can be a good conversation starter. In this case, the conversation starter appeared to have worked against me. The leader, knowing that I'm a musician, pointed out the keyboard and asked what would happen if God called me to give it away, even to someone who doesn't even know how to play it.

Thankfully, it's only a hypothetical question. And thankfully, I wasn't required to answer in front of the group. I jokingly responded by saying I should have kept the cover on the keyboard that night. Honestly, I did cringe a little deep inside. Okay, fine, I cringed a lot. I know what the right answer should be, but I also know that it would be an insanely difficult answer to give. My mind began spinning quickly, desperately in search of ways to justify that such a scenario would not and should not ever have to take place. Our group discussion moved on; this was only a random example the leader used to illustrate our discussion topic. But to me, it definitely wasn't random.

The hypothetical question remained on my mind all night. I turned around a few times to look at the keyboard, and my attention soon shifted to the smaller keyboard above it on the stand that was covered and not visible from my Zoom screen.

Immediately I was brought back to my college years. After a long period of desperately seeking God's will in the midst of academic struggles, I followed what I believed was God's call for me to switch my major to music. Through some of my first few opportunities to perform professionally, I met a bassist named Jacob who had a then-new keyboard and offered to let me borrow it and bring it to my dorm room to help me in my studies, since I didn't have a keyboard of my own. Though he was older than me, he certainly had his fair share of financial struggles as a musician. I told him I couldn't accept his offer - What if I damaged or broke it? What if it got stolen? How would I - a college student at the mercy of grants and loans - be able to repay him for his generosity? He still insisted, and that keyboard became an integral part of my college studies, my own growth as a musician, and various music ministries and projects I participated in. A few years later, Jacob was moving away and offered to sell the keyboard to me at a heavily discounted price. As a recent graduate without a career path, even that price was still not easy for me to pay. My mom, who I knew always worked extremely hard to make ends meet and give my sister and me the best, put down the money, and the keyboard which had graciously been entrusted to me since it was practically new was now actually mine.

That keyboard accompanied me through numerous musical ventures - compositions, arrangement projects, church services and other ministry opportunities, weddings, funerals, times of personal enjoyment, times of intimacy with God, times of grief... Through it came countless moments of creativity and countless moments of inspiration, including inspiration for music for my own engagement and wedding. From my college dorm back to my room in my mom's house, and eventually to my apartment after getting married and to the condo where we now live, it has always been by my side. It wasn't until a couple years ago that I finally saved up enough money from various music projects to buy my first full-size keyboard, with technology on par with modern standards and keys that more accurately simulate an actual piano, allowing me to further develop my love for and gifting in music for God's glory. The old keyboard now rests on the stand above it and is still occasionally used as a secondary instrument.

For almost 15 years, I enjoyed the countless blessings resulting from someone who, though he barely knew me and had no obligation to help me or trust me, decided to generously and graciously invest in me. Yet here I am now, bathing in the glory of those blessings, and at the thought of investing in someone else - even only a hypothetical idea, my immediate response is to cringe and look for excuses! My heart was crushed by the guilt of my own selfishness. In the past few weeks of our small group curriculum, we learned that God blesses us so we can bless others, and that the vastness of God's resources is unfathomable. Yet it seems like whenever God blesses me, I take those blessings, store them up for myself, do as I please with them, and slam the door on anyone that wants to have a part in them. Where is my heart? How can I receive God's grace and be so selfish? How amazingly humbling is it that, despite my selfishness, God still hasn't given up on me and continues to bless me?

Our group leader may have used my keyboard simply as a random example to illustrate a general point for the group. But I know that she had done so with great wisdom from God - not in a way that results in condemnation or guilt trips, but still in a way that pierces the heart with God's light and prompts change; exactly like how Jesus taught. Of course, I'm very thankful that her question was only hypothetical, and am blessed to still be able to utilize my gear almost every day to further develop the gifts God gave me. But I now also know that I definitely have to do a lot of examining of my own heart. Being a Christian isn't just a one-time conversion, but rather a lifelong process of transformation by God's grace to become more and more like Him. It doesn't magically make a person generous, humble, or selfless. But it does mean I've already received from God far more than I have ever deserved or can ever earn. And that means I shouldn't hesitate or be afraid to be generous with what He has blessed me with, which ultimately all belongs to Him anyway. I thank God for opening my eyes to see the hardness of my own heart, and I pray for courage, faith, and wisdom to trust and seek Him each day, allowing Him to transform my heart and my mind to be more and more like Him.