10/29: another incredible experience at Catalina Island. i've been there several times already, but it still never ceases to amaze me. my only complaint is that Fall Conference is way too short. two nights is not nearly enough to truly experience everything there is at CBS. but in the middle of our busy lives its always great to take a break. sure, some people spent free time doing homework. but simply being with a bunch of friends in a place so peaceful and so isolated from home made us all feel refreshed and more ready to face our everyday lives again.

i usually spend retreats focusing on three things - nature, people, and God. the beauty of CBS makes everyone fall in love. i remember once thinking people were crazy for sleeping out on the dock. then when i gave it a try, i never returned to the cabin again. falling asleep under the starts and waking up to the sunrise is like nothing else i've ever experienced. hiking up the trail and seeing the view from the cross is also unforgettable. such pure beauty humbles me, and i realize once again how small i am compared to the God who created everything around me - every star in the sky, every pebble on the beach, every bird in the sky...

...and of course, all the awesome people who were there with me. i got to spend plenty of time with friends, both new and old, and share the joy that overwhelms me each time i go to CBS. some memorable moments - sharing in my smallgroup (me Richard and Jeff), playing signs before going on the boat, a cart ride from Jessica, sitting at the bonfire and picking seashells with Carman, enjoying the sunrise with her since we both woke up early enough, hanging out at the playground and acting like little kids, kayaking with Jolene, catching crabs with Jon & gang, hunting for lobsters (unsuccessfully =/ ), eating the crabs, sitting at the bonfire until late at night, taking group pictures, enjoying meals with friends... the list can go on forever. for the UCLA people, Fall Conference gave birth to many new friendships and helped build the community of believers, and i pray that this community will continue to grow together throughout the year.

of course, the main purpose of this trip is to meet with God, and everything else falls under it. thanks to the amazing Urbana '06 worship team and our awesome speakers Jenny and Erna, i think every person left the island with something new to think about. i've known the story of the Prodigal Son since i was too young to remember, but to truly study it and put myself in the shoes of the two sons is a whole new experience. there are many times in my life when i feel like the younger son - having put the things God gave me to waste and having to humble myself and start over. and there are also times when i feel like the older son - blinded by jealousy and doing things for the wrong reasons. but no matter which side i relate to, God has invited me to His party and has covered me with grace. it's something i've always known, but each time i really take the time to think about it, i see a new glimpse of God's love for me.

the hardest thing about every retreat is to take what we learn and bring it home with us. it's only been a few hours since i came back to Hedrick, and already homework and exams are starting to consume me. i'm forcing myself not to take a nap despite the serious lack of sleep from the past few days, and as a result i'm now done with all my homework for the week, except my composition project and my history midterm. i just got back from dinner at Rieber with floormates not too long ago, and even in the dining hall i felt like my eyes couldnt stay open. but each time i let them shut, i find myself thinking about the world that i just returned from. soon these images will be overshadowed by my daily life at UCLA. but even though the scenes of friends, mountains, oceans, and stars will fade away, the God who made them all is right here with me, and will continue to walk with me everywhere i go. i pray that the impact this trip had on me (and everyone else) will be a lasting one, and that we will all remember how much God really loves us.

10/26: week 4 update. yes, its already week 4. crazy huh? i'm updating early this week cuz tomorrow at this time i'll be getting ready to sleep to the sound of the ocean. thats right, its time for Fall Conference at Catalina Island once again. but anyways, update first.

Monday - breakfast with Joyce. yes, even though we stayed up insanely late the night before, we still woke up to eat in the morning. walked to campus together, then i went to practice piano. after conducting class i somehow found my way to a free barbecue in south campus with Tracy and Joseph. having something to eat for lunch other than my apple made me very very satisfied. after orchestration (with Lefkowitz!) and chorale, i came back for dinner with the 5N gang, plus Sue and Tim. they came to 5N to chill afterwards. Dianne and Julia came to visit too! too bad me n Richard both had to leave. to where? to the beach for Doris' birthday bonfire! it was soo much fun.. grilling hot dogs over the fire and eating lots of snacks that kept us from freezing in the cold. its good preparation for Catalina hehe. came back and studied/worked on essay, and went to sleep early for once!

Tuesday - breakfast with Tracy. walked to SMB, practiced piano for a bit, then went on a little scooter ride around campus. yes, i brought my scooter. its great to be able to store it in my locker now. but why bring it to begin with? it might help to know that i also brought my camera and my Car-Parazzi t-shirt. after class i went straight to Beverly Hills for the 13th carwatching trip in the Triangle. shot another $3 million worth of exotics. there were two main highlights of the evening - first was at the Ferrari dealer. the Panamerica 20,000 rally happened to be meeting there that afternoon before driving off to Vegas, so when i peeked in i saw an F40 and three 599 GTB Fioranos! these are probably the first Fioranos in America! i wont post pics though cuz its from the dealer. but if u wanna see them just ask and i'll email them. oh and the second surprise? as usual i'll wait til the end of the entry to post it. but for now heres a hint - its Dutch. anyways... left the Triangle a bit later than planned, ran into Stephen at SMB and talked with him for a while, then made it back to Hedrick to eat with Tammy. had small group at night - combined smallgroup, since Wednesday's meeting is cancelled for All Hill Halloween. then worked on my essay (almost done!) and went to sleep early again!

Wednesday - breakfast, then SMB to practice piano. i like how Elizabeth always unintentionally saves me a room cuz she goes there early and leaves around the same time i get there. a good piano always makes my day. it was a very very strange day, mostly cuz there was no orchestration class (Chihara is out of town), so my schedule felt really weird. before conducting class i decided to go wash my hands in the bathroom, and just as i open the door one of the guys that sweeps leaves outside came out and bumped into me. i kept going and went inside the bathroom, only to realize that he turned around, followed me, and FOUGHT me. my first response - i wasn't trying to pick a fight or anything, so i went into the first stall and locked the door thinking he would leave me alone. but no, he kicks the door open. so then i had no choice. i dont recall being in a physical fight since elementary school. it was pretty scary though cuz those guys that wear the blue shirts and sweep leaves are usually mentally handicapped, so part of me doesnt wanna hurt him, but at the same time i knew he probably had little self control regarding physical contact. when he attempted to attack i gave him a few kicks to keep him away. other people in the bathroom already saw us so some people eventually pulled the guy outside. i didnt know washing my hands required so much effort. but that definitely woke me up for all of conducting class. i told Brian and Sue i would wait for them to get out of Music 15 to have lunch together, so during the 45-minute break i went outside to walk around, only to find a brand new Phantom parked along the street. shot it a couple times, and caught it on video too, except Brian made a comment (not knowing i was filming) that i'll probably have to filter out before posting it online hehe. went to Covel for lunch... Michelle also joined us. as if the day so far wasnt weird enough, getting lunch made it even crazier. chilled in my room for a bit, then went back to SMB for chorale. made it back to the floor in time for All-Hill Halloween. as usual, i had a last-minute costume, this time an orange plastic bag instead of a white one. apparently it was a lot scarier than i expected. i went to every floor in Hedrick walking with my head down, and scared a LOT of kids. i unintentionally made someone on my floor cry =/. and shes a student not a kid hehe. but i went i said sorry afterwards and everythings ok now =). it felt great to finally be out of that costume, and after washing myself off a bit i went to Rendezvous with Tammy for a late dinner. then studied a little and finally finished my essay. spent the rest of the night working on composition homework and playing with Sibelius...

Thursday (today) - ran into Jenna in the elevator and had breakfast together. walked with her to class then went to warm up before my piano lesson. another great lesson, even though i was pretty sleepy. had history class and composition class. ran into Elizabeth and walked back to Hedrick together. talked about music and lots of other random stuff. chilled in my room afterwards n talked some more until i had to go eat with IV people. walked with the Hedrick people to Catalyst - another incredible night thanks to some awesome testimonies and worship by the Urbana team. they are soooo good! it was pretty much a praise night. it was something i've always wanted to see at IV - simple worship songs, both fast and slow, that can touch people's hearts and bring them close to God. i could have easily stayed another hour if Catalyst didn't have to end at 8:30. studied with Tammy in my room, ate popcorn, went to Bruin Cafe with Brian and Joy, and now i'm back here typing this thing before going to sleep.

before i forget, i'm gonna throw out the second surprise from Golden Triangle 13. there aren't many Dutch car companies out there, so if you named one, you probbaly got it right. the only one that comes to my mind happens to be one that i never thought i would see in this lifetime, yet it appeared before my eyes at the exact same spot as the yellow Enzo from three weeks ago. see for yourself.

10/22: long-overdue SNU! i'm taking a little break from studying/homework right now. so i guess i'll just get straight to it. Saturday (last week) - bowling with PACT (college cell) people. i suck at usual, but managed to get a strike at the end =). Caleb told me during bowling about the whole computer situation, so i wasnt exactly focused on the game. went to the hilltop and had a talk with God afterwards, confirming that i'm gonna get the computer. Sunday - went to church, went home for lunch then went to Brea to get the computer. returned to school at night with Steph and Gloria (thanks Gloria for the ride!). treated them to Bruin Cafe =). its amazing how people who leave the dorms miss dorm food. but that's why i have Premier, so if u ever need some food just ask =).

Monday - breakfast. piano time (practice & compose). classes. dinner with floor & Tammy. apparently there was worship practice and i didnt know until that evening, but luckily it was postponed to 7:30 so i had time to eat first. we only had to do two songs, since this week was a special Catalyst event. chilled on the floor, sang happy bday to Will & Haena at midnight.

Tuesday - breakfast. classes. took a trip to the 405 to get some aerial shots. turned out extremely disappointing... saw almost nothing for an hour. it was ridiculous. luckily there were people in Hedrick getting ready for dinner. that made me feel much better (but at the same time, it helped me confirm another Beverly Hills trip to make up for the disappointment). small group. found out that Wendy was a computer genius, so she helped me with a lot of Mac stuff (thanks!). turned in registration for Fallcon, which means visiting Janelle & Gina. chilled with Joyce n Raymond til late at night.

Wednesday - breakfast with Victoria Ran n Tracy. three classes as usual. walked back with Tracy afterwards and she came to visit me. talked about lots of music stuff hehe. floor dinner @ 6:30... us geniuses decided that we could fit all 23 people in the same elveator going down. then after the door closed, we realized it was going UP. it got stuck before reaching the 6th floor. we ended up having to pry the door open and climb out of it. my first time in 4 years encountering a dead elevator. pretty cool experience hehe. spent the night preparing for Catalyst. turned out i was drafted to play two more songs besides the worship set. luckily they weren't too hard and i managed to learn them both on time. visited people in 5S, chilled at Jeff & Will's room and the lounge, walked around 5N with antennae (Raymond had wings). hehe...

Thursday - breakfast. went to SMB to warm up as usual, then had my lesson. i'm so glad to say that piano lessons right now are looking better than they ever have before. i'm playing a piece (the same Sonata) that i like and know i can learn from, and Ruby understands that i'm serious about learning piano, and when the student-teacher dynamic works out well, so does the rest of the lesson. i was so content that i actualyl went back to practice right after my lesson. then went to music history and composition class. dinnered at 5 with Bridget and walked to campus together - i had to go to Catalyst for soundcheck and she had a meeting in south campus too. so the special event, "Exposing Religious Hypocrisy", turned out really well. Rajeev did a rap and Jenny sang a song, plus an awesome step team performance, message, and worship set. studied with Tammy at night, then chilled with some 5N guys in the hallway til like 2AM. witnessed some interesting stuff taking place in the bathroom. really interesting stuff...

Friday - breakfast with Steph. i decided that after an awesome week of progress in practicing piano, i deserved a break. so i went to Sunset Blvd to take a "walk" while reading my page of notes for the listening quiz in history. that trip definitely made up for the disappointing trip on Tuesday. one car in particular left me with no complaint. here it is...

10/16: sometimes waiting for God can be tough, especially when it seems like He's not talking to me. when it comes to making big decisions, i always want to get His approval first. but when He doesn't answer and time is running out, i am reminded that i can't just sit there all day and wait for Him to talk to me. God guides me not only through words, but through experiences. faith is much more than taking every step safely, but it involves me stepping out on my own knowing that He will stop me if i do something that goes against His plan.

on Saturday night, i went to the Hilltop with a big decision in my hands. i asked God to tell me what to do, but added that if He didn't speak, i would make the decision on my own knowing that He would stop me if i went the wrong way. and He neither spoke nor stopped me. having backed up my decision with plenty of prayer, i know i'm still on the right path. and it was this decision that made it possible for me to be writing this entry in my dorm room right now. after three weeks of separation from the Internet, the wait is finally over.

10/14: im in the middle of practicing piano and doing composition/orchestration homework, but since nobody's using the (home) computer right now, i guess i'll steal it for a moment and tell about my week. its been another busy but awesome schoolweek. this is the point when the "reality" of college life starts to kick in - it's no longer just about going around meeting people and having fun. homework is getting more and more time-consuming, and everyone's becoming more busy than before. i think a little more sleep for myself would also be helpful. but then again, 11 hours of sleep last night probably made up for it =). anyways, i'll get on with the update...

Sunday - got back to school a lot later than expected, but its not like i had anything planned so it didnt really matter. thanks Steph for the ride =). chilled on the floor until almost midnight when Tim called and i went down to Deneve. why? cuz it's Sue's birthday!! a bunch of us gathered in the lobby to go kidnap her and bring her to an empty lounge where we had two cakes to celebrate! took lots of pictures too... i'll try to have them posted soon. back on the floor i chilled in Joy Sarah and Peggy's room with Brian Andrew and Daniel... i like how their room always has the door open too - gives me a place to go when i dont feel like studying hehe. then Andrew n Brian came over to chill with me n Richard. Andrew taught us a cool dining hall "experiment"... more details on that later.

Monday - ran into Diana at breakfast... she was in a hurry to go to class and sat down next to two random people, then i sat across from her and after she left it was just me and the two strangers so i got up and went online hehe. took care of housing payment stuff, went on campus and chilled with Ben n Melanie at the IV table. we tried to see how many people would pass by before seeing someone we knew... Melanie was the only popular one... it was sad when i reached 3-digits and still didnt recognize anyone. and i'm a friggin senior. went to SMB and finally decided to sacrifice $25 bucks and buy something that changed my life - a practice room key! i lost it more than a quarter ago and never bothered buying a new one, but i guess the beginning of teh schoolyear is a good time to have a new start. now i feel like a real music major - i can use the pink practice rooms with pianos that actually sound like pianos! oh and if thats not good enough, this year's MFSF fee includes two hours of room reservations every week. another part of music-major life that i never experienced. fast forward six hours and three classes, and i'm at the computer lab posting some Car-Parazzi pictures. it's the beginning of my plan to make sure the people on CP don't forget me since i rarely update anymore. the plan is to reveal one "surprise" every day - first the DB7, then the S65 AMG, then the Cobra, and at last the Enzo. and it worked very well. but thats getting a bit ahead of myself... anyways... back on the floor we rounded up a bunch of people for an unofficial floor dinner. Brian attempted Andrew's experiment - to add Equal in really cold water and make it turn purple. Andrew wasn't there to witness it, but it didn't happen at all. we just sat there looking like idiots staring into a glass of sugar. owellz haha maybe Andrew can make it work next time. went to Diddy Riese with Anny n Bridget after dinner... got a Diddy Dozen for my floor - its a quick n easy (and affordable) way to get people to come chill in my room =). went to "study" in 5S... ended up chillin with Janelle and helping fix her printer and move furniture. then i finally got some studying done hehe. ok fine, there were still people chillin in my room. but at least i was a little productive...

Tuesday - breakfast with Victoria and Sherri. attempted to go to SMB, but ended up stopping at the IV table again. chilled with David Julia and whoever stopped by to sit or just say hi. then went to practice. then class. then Santa Monica. well thats wut was supposed to happen anyways. i was really sad that we didn't end up going, but a little walk on Sunset and a lot of free time to do homework definitely helped. dinnertime came around, and we had a nice mix of 5N and 5S people eating together. i like how we plan so many pranks for each other's floors, but during dinner everyone loves each other. that's the beauty of food =). finally met Janelle's roommate Gina.. i knew 'of' her cuz shes also a music major so im sure we met in SMB before. turns out its the same Gina that was in Jenny(Wang)'s smallgroup last year and had breakfast with me before. what a tiny little world. it was one of those sit-and-chill-as-long-as-you-want dinners - people came and left, but i just sat there n kept eating hehe. went to chill with Tracey on the south side for a little then went back to my room to get ready for smallgroup. we had a little "surprise" planned for everyone - we were fortunate enough to get the fire drill schedule, so we took everyone outside before the alarm went off and had a massive chocolate fondue party, then wnet back after the drill to continue Bible study =). there werent a lot of people this time, but it was still a great meeting. went to 3S to study with Tammy. really studying this time, even though it took a while to settle down. Tammy burned popcorn. could have set off the alarm (again) and infuriated everyone in the building. luckily that didnt happen... but we didn't get to eat popcorn =/. Julia came back after midnight very hungry and VERY hyper. i've never seen her like that before... perhaps a bit drunk? i guess i'll never know for sure. but her excessive hyperness and occasional tripping and running into things entertained everybody. i went back to 5N to sleep, only to end up chilling in the 5S lounge. Stephanie(Liu) sang for everyone as they studied. i didnt sleep til like 2AM.

Wednesday - Breakfast with Stephanie n Victoria, then with fellow musicmajors Jeff and Tracy. this time i decided to be a good student and not stop at the IV table... so i got a lot of practicing (and composing) done. conducting class. 45 minute break before orchestration class - went to the music library to go online, but was stopped by the sight of an F430's taillight outside the window. so i went to take pics. ran into Tracy again and went to Luvalle together... she gave me a free coffee coupon (thanks!). caught the F430 driving away just before class. orchestration class. chorale - sectional rehearsals. computer lab. dinner - a very unique mix of people from 5N, 5S, and 7N. met Jane who lives on my floor and is also in Chorale. only difference is that she actually sings very very well (shes in the chamber singers, so go figure) and i'm just in it cuz i miraculously made it. did some homework, went to visit 5S just in time to catch the Wednesday smallgroup with their share of leftover fondue. went around the floor passing it out to everyone. lots of people said no, but changed their mind when the temptation grew. Joyce came to visit me... we sat there talking for hours. literally. thats wut happens when you put a huge couch in your room hehe. looked at pictures... too bad i didnt have my computer so i only had my old photo album. but i'll probably print some more out for my wall this year.

Thursday - breakfast with Joyce. walked to class together - i'm on South Campus a lot more than people expect me to cuz im always walking wiht people =). piano lesson went pretty well... i'll have my new pieces confirmed for next week. practiced a little more. went to the office and got something i always wanted but never had before - a locker in Schoenberg! they have extras this year so they offered it to piano/voice/composition people (the ones that never had that privelege). now i can leave all my music stuff on campus and not have to haul it with me. do i even still need to bring a backpack to class!? haha.. .anyways then i went to history and composition. chilled on the floor. dinner with IV Hedrick community. walk to Catalyst. originally me Tammy n Joseph were gonna go to Pinkberry aftewards, then Tammy invited Lisa, who invited the whole Hedrick community, then we decided to make an announcement to everyone after Catalyst and ended up with a huuuuuuge mob of people marching down to Westwood together. met lots of people while walking... an Austin-Healey and Murcielago made things even better. met Julia (Dianne's floormate) and she n Dianne were gonna come over to have a cup noodle party, but Dianne never made it so the party just kinda died. pretty sad. maybe next time we'll do it again =). went to visit 6N. Sophia needed help on math and somehow i managed to figure out one problem, even though i did it a different way (my way is so much easier! =) ). went to Bruin Cafe with Sophia Victoria n Cho, ran into a bunch of 5S friends there too. went back to 6N to study, then chilled with Sophia Victoria Stephanie n Nathan until like 2AM. i was soooo tired. but it was soo fun =).

Friday - dorm breakfast party never happened =/. went to Rieber by myself, and luckily ate with Janelle and Gina. walked down Sunset, shot an Esperante(!!!). ran into Brian on the way to SMB and decided to sacrifice my practice time to join him and see Bill Clinton. yes, the expresident... he was at UCLA doing a speech on some proposition. i'm not very into politics, but its just cool seeing someone so famous. there were a few thousand people gathered at the Sculpture Garden. it was insane. went to class then went home.

so yea... here i am right now at home again. lots of stuff from this week really makes me think. there were several unwanted ups and downs - the times when i raise my expectations only to be thrown back down. i guess its just my weakness and i shouldnt let myself feel hurt over it. and besides, even if i really needed apologies, i already have them. the other roller coaster i havent' mentioned is my computer - i was soooooo close to buying one a few days ago. it didnt work out at the end. i guess it's still not the right time. God, how long is this going to take? He knows me better than i do - maybe i haven't quite learned my lesson even though i think i have. or maybe i'm simply not looking hard enough for the sign that i've been wanting. i really wish i can spend more time with God - it makes everything so much better. when i put God above everything else in 0 week, my attitude towards people around me was very different. the more i try to do things on my own and for myself, the worse it gets. sure, i'm having a great time in college. but its just not the same. its my last year in the dorms, and i know for sure that God's gonna do something big. and the last thing i want to do is stop Him from carrying out His plan that i'm so excited about. anyways...... this entry took an hour to write, and i should probably continue with my orchestration homework. so i guess i'll shut up now. bye!

10/08: somehow i find myself sitting here at home in front of the computer with free time in my hands. thinking about the past week, things have changed quite a bit since i moved in. on a positive note, the beginning-of-the-year social hype is still there, and theres still plenty of people in the hallways to meet & greet. i still try my best to reach out to as many people as possible, letting them know i care before they stop caring. i guess the only downside to this is that i'm not quite as focused on God as i was when i moved in. the truth is i have plenty of free time that i can spend with God, but for some reason the time all got spent elsewhere. sure i still pray for everyone in the IV Hedrick leadership and the smallgroup i'm in, as well as other friends, floormates, and people i met this year. but i need to constantly remind myself that striving for God's kingdom involves sacrifice. perhaps its in the way i want people to see me. or perhaps its in the way i spend my free time. or maybe its simply my overall attitude towards schoolwork, people, and everything else around me. i pray that i can keep my priorities straight, not only loving people around me but putting God above us all.

after playing for Steph's worship team this morning, i'm realizing even more how glad i am to be back at my home church. some of you know that in the summer i felt pretty burnt out not only because of the overwhelming number of concerts, worship services, and other events i volunteered to play for, but because those events took away the time i normally spend going to cell group and Sunday service. God wants His people to not only go to church and worship, but to fellowship with other believers. and the lack of such fellowship made me feel distant from God. now that the month-long ClayMusic tour in Taiwan/Malaysia/Singapore (which i'm not playing for cuz of school) has begun, things should quiet down for me for a while. i feel like i need to focus more on attending PACT (the new college cell) and the GCCI English Service and being blessed by the community rather than always going out and serving. so after some praying i've decided that for the rest of 2006 i will not miss cellgroup for anything other than ClayMusic concerts (if any), meaning no rehearsals or worship-leading for other services. and i will not miss Sunday service to serve at other services unless its a really really special event. so far it looks like i'll be spending three weekends on campus this quarter (two for chorale and one for fallcon), and i think that's already enough times to miss church in one quarter. i apologize if it causes any inconvenience for anyone, namely Chinese worship teams that lead on Saturdays/Sundays. i hope you guys understand, and i hope this will help me grow more in God so that i can serve Him even more effectively in the future.

apparently lots of people still wonder why i haven't been on AIM for a long time. if anyone asks, please spread the word. living without a computer hasn't been easy, and i have to constantly force myself to be patient and wait for God's confirmation before taking any action to make life easier. but more and more i'm starting to see how my sacrifice is beneficial to my life. first of all, having no computer leaves me with nothing much to do in my dorm room, so i spend most of my time outside meeting friends. many of these friendships would not have happened if i spent all my free time sitting in front of the screen. having no computer teaches me to be content with what i have, and during the limited time i spend in the lab (and at the computer at home), i put every single minute to good use. on a more personal level, having no computer eliminates the majority of my struggle with anger that often had to do with bad internet connection or other technical difficulties. and i must admit it also frees me almost entirely of my struggle with lust. i'll be honest - my struggle isn't nearly as extreme as that of most guys i know. but there's no doubt it distracts me from a healthy personal, social, and spiritual life. i feel much closer to myself, much more real with my friends, and much more intimate with God now.

so now the big question - when am i gonna have my own computer again? the decision is God's, not mine. but to be honest, i'm starting to want it more and more every day. even with the social convenience factor aside, my music classes will soon start to demand computer work. so far i've been doing everything by hand, but eventually that will have to change, and the change will help enhance my ability to compose music for multiple instruments, something i'll be studying a lot this quarter. the Schoenberg computers aren't exactly close to the dorms, and it will be a very big hassle to go there to get my work done. but if that's what God wants me to do, i'll do it. i've told some people this already, but i think i already have an idea what my next computer will be, and i've already found a way to get it for a good price. but the only concern i still have - the most important concern of all - is whether or not God approves of this. for those who haven't heard, many things in my past have led me to the conclusion that the death of my computer was a part of God's great plan for my life, and i dont want to do anything that will hinder what He's doing in me. my prayer now is that if my suffering brings Him glory, then i'll continue to do it. but when the time comes for me to have a computer again, i pray that He will give me a clear sign like He did in the past and let me know that i'm ready to move on.

and for those who are wondering, this whole i-have-no-computer thing definitely has an effect on this site. a lot of the stuff i've been working on before it died, namely a huge update for my wallpapers page, is postponed indefinitely. a few very good wallpaper pics are lost forever, but fortunately almost everything was safely backed up, and all i neeed to do is find time to collect the various images and re-edit them again. i also have pictures from the last Claymusic tour as well as new pictures from college that i wish to post soon. i cant promise when i'll have them up, but if you want to see them first, come find me in Hedrick and i'll send them through my camera. i'll probbaly be spending more time in the lab this coming week, since i think i'll have some essays and other school stuff to work on. but i'm definitely gonna keep up the social progress i've been making in Hedrick, as well as continuing to bless people around me in prayer and maintaining a healthy personal walk with God. things are looking great so far, and i'm very excited to go back to school tonight to spend another week at UCLA.

10/07: long time no update. another incredible week has left me with little time to go to the computer lab and write about my life. this week was a great mix of academics (its the first full week of classes), social life (still lovin Hedrick as usual), cars (come on, i couldn't help it...), and God (none of this would be possible without Him). let the update begin...

Sunday - Steph has a car at school this year, so she can take me back on Sunday nights (thanks!!). she also took Gloria and Alex's violin hehe. back in Hedrick it was pretty quiet, mostly cuz all the IV people were at the leaders meeting. but the quietness ended when Victoria Tayeba Michelle Tammy n Ran came to visit. its sooo great to know that i'm still keeping in touch with last year's floor. i went to visit Michelle on 6N too... saw her decorated room =). which reminds me, i need to work on my wall.

Monday - had breakfast with Victoria n Loni before class. Professor Neuen (who teaches conducting and chorale) is recovering from a heart attack (=/), so Paul is subbing for him this month. yes, i'm taking conducting again. it fits perfectly in my schedule, so might as well get two more units out of the way hehe. we got out very early, so i had just enough time for lunch with Tammy. Orchestration class was very intense - also in the Mancini studio, with even less people than composition(!!). Prof. Chihara is a very interesting guy hehe. Chorale is awesome too. i still can't believe i made it. it really sucks that we're not doing a Christmas concert this year though... i totally looked forward to singing Carol of the Bells. owellz... and we're also singing at a football game this quarter. i guess its gonna be the first football game in my life hehe. walked back to the dorms with Nancy. we're both in Chorale but shes gonna drop it =/. i didnt have time for dinner before worship practice, so i went n chilled in Michelle Panh's room for a while. i found myself a new private study room in her empty top closet =). great place to scare people too hehe. met at Sproul turnaround for worship practice. went to WestLA n jammed as usual... everyone seems soo much more enthusiastic - i guess its cuz its our first meeting this schoolyear. the two-week rotation thing should make everyone less stressed. we had soo much fun both practicing and messing around hehe. then we went to Crossroads for food (yess!!!). 5N was having a game night but they already started and i was too tired for Mafia, so i wandered around Hedrick and eventually found company on 5S n chilled there the whole night. i spend way too much time on the south side hehe...

Tuesday - breakfast with Ran and Sherri. brought my scooter with me to campus for the first time (i'll explain why later)... didnt wanna ruin the walk to class though, so i carried him until i got to Ackerman, then went to Westwood to get course readers. music history has THREE readers. thats insane. from there on i used the scooter as a shopping cart to carry my books hehe. went to history then composition, and after that is when the fun begins. took out the scooter, went to Wooden to lock up my backpack, changed into my awesome Car-Parazzi shirt (courtesy of Spyder n Dash... thanks! =) ), and cruised to Beverly Hills! i didnt think Tuesday afternoon was the best time to go at first, but one look into the Beverly Hilton proved me wrong. to sum up, i shot over $3 million worth of cars, and left another couple million dollars unshot. i'll put up a few pics at the end of the entry. left the Triangle at 5:30, very satisfied and very very very hungry. luckily i ran into Richard Phu n Brian on their way to eat at Covel so i joined them. came back n chilled in our room for a while. then it was time for smallgroup. for those who are interested, we meet every Tuesday at 8PM. Richard n Hannah are leading, and i guess i'm kind of a semi-leaderish person. we had a LOT of people - definitely a great way to kick off the year. i hope they can all get used to the way we do Bible study, and i hope even more that we can all grow as a community and apply what we learned about the kingdom of heaven. i'll be praying for our group every day and i believe God will really do something big this year. some awesome dessert after smallgroup made things even better, and brought in lots of visitors too. i knew i was right when i said food makes friends hehe... afterwards we debriefed for a lil while, then i went to 3S to visit Tammy. met lots of her floormates, chilled with Tom and David in the hallway, then went to study in Suzy Janine and Hoi's room til around midnight.

Wednesday - breakfast with Victoria. walked with her to campus (i didn't have class til 1, what was i supposed to do in the morning!? haha)... sat in Physics(!) until class was starting. or maybe i got kicked out cuz Christine wanted my seat hehe. went to SMB, practiced piano (something i managed to do a lot this week), spent some time in the computer lab, and lunched at Hedrick with Victoria(Wong), Tammy, Suzy, Tom and a few of his friends. then went to orchestration class. for the second day in a row (Tuesday in composition and now in orchestration) i presented my last "big" composition, Armada. yes its the one that got me the big prize, probably the one that God used to help me become a music major. one area i struggle with most as a musician (and as a person in general) is confidence. when i know i'm well accepted, i can do things even beyond my own imagination. but when i worry about fitting in, even what i had to begin with is often lost. ever since i started learning music i've been one of the top students, and the fact that most people in my class now are probably better than me really scares me. i'm glad God is keeping me humble now, but at the same time i want to remember the potential He has given me and put it to good use. even though i always feel a bit nervous in class, i'm starting to like it more and more. after another awesome Chorale rehearsal, i went back to Hedrick in time for something i looked forward to for a long time - the 2N reunion dinner! im so glad lots of people showed up. it was hard talking to everyone at such a long table, but it makes me happy to see everyone catching up and still so excited to see each other. as one who did his best to promote community on the floor, its so encouraging to see friendships strong enough to conquer time and distance. back on 5N, Diana came to visit me n Richard. we went to Lisa's room then went to visit Tammy n Julia. i left to do laundry and take care of the roommate contract stuff. you know, that lil meeting we have with the RA every year. Richard and I are pretty chill as usual, especially after already living together last year, and having filled out the same paper three times already, there really wasnt much to stress about. somehow a party erupted in the hallway afterwards, followed by people chilling in our room til late at night. i always love it when that happens... it puts the futon to good use hehe. and what better subject to talk about than food? haha... one of these days we need to plan a floor trip to the San Gabriel Valley and show everyone what good cheap Asian food tastes like hehe...

Thursday - technically all my classes start at 11AM, except my piano lesson which is THursday morning. being the morning person that i am (ok fine not really, i just love getting up to see my friends for breakfast =) ), i totally love the time, since it wont interfere with anything i might do in the evening/night. ran into Jen and walked to campus together, and also found someone to eat dinner with (yaay!). yes i like to plan ahead hehe. got to warm up a bit before my piano lesson. to be honest i was very worried about piano this year after some things from last year that left me pretty disappointed. but so far things are looking great. i decided to be completely honest, telling Ruby that i got lessons over the summer and learned a new Sonata that still needed a lot of work. i also told her some of my possible post-graduation plans. i havent written much about it cuz i'm still praying for God to confirm it as the time comes closer, but it definitely points more in the direction of piano performance. so i guess i did pretty well in conveying the message that i want to learn piano as a pianist rather than a composer. my pieces this year should lean towards tonality (yesss! haha), and if i work hard enough im sure things will turn out great. fast forward four hours of class, and i'm back in my room finally working on my wall. i find it amusing that people who i met this year have no idea what the walls gonna look like cuz i refuse to give details. for thos ewho have seen it, its the same thing as last year with very very small changes. and just like last year, its gonna be an ongoing project throughout the year when i have time. that gives people a reason to come back and visit me =). went to DeNeve at 5 for an early dinner with worship teammates Jen and Eileen. the food was sooo good - rice, fried chicken, fake crab! if there was more time i would eat a lot more hehe. walked to CS50 together for soundcheck/rehearsal. i was a big idiot - i brought my "monitor" (99?earphones) but didnt bring the quarter-inch adapter so it was useless. and that means i couldnt hear ANYTHING. i was pretty tempted to just give up and literally stop playing, and i had to keep reminding myself of the things God taught me in China about teamwork, musicianship, and success. so um... yea, i survived the worship set hehe. note to self - do NOT forget that stupid adapter next time. hehe... walked back with the Hedrick gang afterwards... Will went to visit his friend Tiffany and somehow we all decided to tag along even though we didnt know her. back at 5N, i finally started to promote my tea station! of course, its only the beginning of the year and theres plenty of accessories that are not yet in stock, namely cupholders and lids and some sweeteners. Joy told me Sarah was sick so i made her some tea - she requested Chamobile (how to spell?). Peggy had this really cool Japanese green tea so i had some of that too. great to know that theres more tea-lovers on the floor. now they're definitely gonna visit me often hehe. went to 6N to visit Sophia Stephanie n Victoria... its pretty random, but since we had breakfast last Friday i was wondering if they wanted to eat again. i ended up going with Sophia to 5S to visit her friend, who turned out to be Michelle(Panh)! such a small world. as usual, theres always plenty of people on 5S to visit so i spent the rest of the night chillin there. turns out a bunch of them wanted to go outside at midnight to watch the moon and eat mooncake! hahaha... soo random but sooo Asian - i love it! so i went too... took pics of us standing in a circle celebrating hehe. went back to 5S and chilled with Sophia n Henry in Alex Alex and Richard's room.

Friday - breakfast with Victoria n Phu. ok for those who didn't get the message, breakfast is an open invite - i'm willing to get up almost anytime someone wants to eat with me, and i'll stay as late as people want to eat with me too (i dont have class til 11 anyways and the dining hall closes at 9). just give me a call, or just show up cuz i'm usually there at like 8:20. why breakfast? one good reason - its healthy and it helps speed up metabolism (for all you weight-conscious people out there hehe). also, theres nothing wrong with starting the day hanging out with friends rather than going straight to class and sleeping there anyways right? ok why am i advertising now? haha.. anyways, walked with Victoria n Christine to class - in the Math Sciences building! its been soooo long since i was there hehe. i almost got lost =/ . went to SMB to get a book for piano, walked around Sunset for a while (not that i needed any more cars for the week), and i was gonna go meet back with Victoria n Christine to go to physics with them (yes, i consider it a fresh experience hehe. dont make fun of me =/ ) but then i passed by the IV table on Bruinwalk and poor Dianne was almost late to class but people for the next shift weren't there yet so i took her spot =). i never really tabled before.. it was pretty fun, especially cuz there were so many people i know. Tracy came to table/finish homework and Eve came to say hi cuz she had a break between class, and i found out the randomest thing ever - Eve and Tracy were friends in elementary school!! gosh... the world's so small it makes me feel fat living in it. walked with Tracy to SMB (yaay music majors!), sat through an hour of history (somehow i still managed to avoid the Crosswords and Sudoku. maybe next week? hehe), and did the usual meet-with-mom-and-go-home routine. actually, it was pretty different this time, cuz Brian came with us! isnt it cool that my next door neighbor is from the same city as me? hehe... after a sleep-deprived week (for good causes hehe) and the fact that i was feeling a little sick since yesterday afternoon, the thought of home made me fall asleep when we were halfway home. we stopped at my house first cuz mom had to go pick up her students, and i took Brian home from there. came back, ate, did some computer stuff, picked up Carol, and went to take a nap. turned out to be the biggest nap i ever took - usually i can only nap for like an hour, but when mom woke me up it was already 6:30. doesnt sound like a big deal, except i was supposed to teach at 7(!!!). byebye dinner =/. not that i was awake enough to care anyways. splashed myself with water, grabbed my teaching stuff and left right away. got there exactly on time (pHeW!). came back home, did more computer stuff while Carol had her cellgroup. went to sleep pretty early (apparently midnight is early now. i'm soo corrupted =/).

Saturday (today) - slept for like 11 hours... very very good sleep. and very desperately needed too. cousin Harry and his girlfriend Stella came to visit from Taiwan. didnt have time to eat lunch with them though cuz i had to teach early in the afternoon. but at least we got to meet up in the morning for a little bit. spent the afternoon at the computer and doing homework, then went to cellgroup at night. met Jason who also goes to UCLA. yaay more Bruins! hehe... now im back at home typing up this stuff that i started in the afternoon and finally finished now. the clock just struck midnight, so its probably a good idea for me to go to sleep soon since im playing for Steph's team tomorrow. but how can i possibly shut up without posting a few trips from Beverly Hills? they'll start showing up on Car-Parazzi next week, and i'll try to get the log up on the ECPG when i have time. in the mean time i'll copy n paste what i put on my CP blog - "heres the stuff i shot - NSX, Continental GT (x23423049329), Continental R, Continental Flying Spur, Turbo R, Phantom, CL65 AMG with bodykit, SL65AMG, 456M, Gallardo Spyder, Prowler, F430 Spider, 360 Modena, and 360 Spider. plus three goodies at the gas station that i will leave a surprise for now, along with another very big surprise (hint - its worth more than any three of the other cars combined =) ). i'll post pics after i go home this wekeend and upload them from my camera.". soo... you're probably wondering what those surprises are. and since ur cool enough to come to my site (hehe), you get to find out before everyone else. i went to the gas station three times in a row with about 5-10 minutes inbetween, and each time i saw a different exotic there. the most "ordinary" of the three was a DB7 Vantage Volante. it was fun watching it try hard not to scrape on its way out. the other two were more unique and i'll post them here -

10/01: Sunday afternoon update! haha... experienced a lot of God this weekend. went to HOC praise night on Friday. im soo glad i went... sat (stood?) by Shaina n Christine, sang a lot and almost cried during the skit. i kept telling myself "its just a stupid skit". but no, i was totally falling for it. and its not stupid at all... probably the best organized church event i've ever been to. and the topic of being set free of sins definitely meant a lot for me - i was reminded that i can't serve God fully until i give Him my all. Saturday i went to UCC(GCCI)'s new college cell, PACT, led by Shaw and Marcus. soo glad to be back at cell, and it just happens to be the beginning of the new group. maybe God had it all planned out. today - went to church! again, soooo glad to be back. i've been gone for like a month. i think being a senior and realizing that i have a responsibility to help others made me seek after God so much more. i feel so much more free during worship and more interested in God now. i definitely hope this is not just a spiritual high. but anyways... one last thing before i shut up. i just found out something amazing. i never thought it would happen, but it did. from now on i no longer have class tuesdays and thursdays from 3 to 5:15. instead i have it monday and wednesday. UCLA music people, you know what that means. and no, i dont deserve to be there, but somehow i made it. and i'm very scared, but even more excited about it. ok fine, i'll just say it. UCLA Chorale. =).

09/29: when i began life in the Rieber my freshman year, i had no idea i would spend a second year in the dorms, not to mention two more years after that. i often ask myself why i choose to live in the dorms my senior year, and i often wonder what it is that God has in store for me in my last full year at UCLA. the latter had always made me excited, and now that the schoolyear has begun, everything is starting to make sense. with each new day i realize even more how much God has shaped and changed me throughout my college career, and it leaves me without any complaint.

Sunday - packed for the first half of my two-week move-in plan. every year so far had been a completely new experience for me, but it was hard for me to imagine how much things could change this year living in the same building with the same roommate. i even kept all my wall decorations from last year to re-use in my new room. but things did turn out quite different, especially after finding out that this year we're once again allowed to bunk beds in double rooms. i wasn't sure whether or not to agree when Richard asked, but after considering it's probably beneficial to our dorm ministry to have a community room, i agreed gladly. arrived at UCLA at around 9. moved in to my new room on 5N and met with the IV Hedrick community for a quick prayer meeting, then chilled on 5S for a while. Tracey from 5S came to visit, along with Tammy and Ran (who i scared by hiding in the closet =) ).

Monday - sleeping on the top bunk wasn't bad at all, and i was glad to know that my climbing up and down and rolling around in the middle of the night didn't wake Richard up. the IV gang had another meeting, then we split into groups to pass out care packages and invitations to people who signed up. me n Lisa went to Hedrick Summit and Hitch. this whole invitation thing is pretty new to me, but fortunately working in pairs leaves me only half as scared. we all met back at Hedrick and had lunch at Rendezvous (my first swipe!). went to check out the Activities Fair for a little while before it closed, then went to SMB to take care of some academic business - namely graduation. yes, its senior year, and its time for me to start figuring out when i'll get my butt out of UCLA. so far it looks like i'll stick around for an additional quarter next year. things after that are still up in the air, but i do have some idea already and i'm waiting for God to confirm it as the time comes. back at 5S, i chilled with Lisa, Harkiran, Tammy, and Richard. then me Tammy n Joseph went to the freshman convocation BBQ. yes, my fourth year going to the BBQ. haha... its not like they care. we ended up sitting with Nat who's still RA for 2N. got some free drinks as usual, hauled them up to Hedrick, and me n Tammy went to join the rest of the building at the All-Hall meeting, followed by individual floor welcome meetings. we have over 90 people on the floor this year, and even though the whole go-in-a-circle-and-introduce-yourselves thing went on for a long time, it got me even more excited to meet my floormates, most of who i hadn't even seen yet. a bunch of us went down to campus to play Capture the Flag - 5N vs. 5S. we played on the hill next to the Janss Steps with the sprinklers on! it was soo much fun, and 5N owned of course =). we left the hill only after an "accident" that resulted in a dead tree. it was soo funny, and i think i'm gonna laugh every time i walk by the steps and see what's left of it. we all walked back to Hedrick together, and i made sure i was the first one to jump in the shower before all the stalls were taken. then went with Richard and Sam to pick up the newest addition to our room - a futon! for those who dont know what it is, it's a sofa bed. i didn't know the word either until it showed up in our room. Richard bought it used from someone in the apartments, and we assembled it in our room - it fits perfectly and looks great with all the existing furniture. since almost every room in Hedrick now is a triple, it's hard for most people to imagine a dorm room with a couch in it, and it definitely drew plenty of attention. our next door neighbors Sam, Brian, and Raymond along with lots of other random people came to sit down n talk n chill. i didnt sleep until almost 4AM, but since its only my first day back at school, i didn't mind at all.

Tuesday - had breakfast at Rieber with Tammy. Victoria and Tayeba were supposed to come too, but they came too late and got locked outside =/. spent the morning in the Covel lab setting up my ORL lab account (to use the dorm computer labs) and got some work done (Carparazzi, enrollment, emails, etc). met back in Hedrick to round up everyone who was coming to the IV welcome BBQ. the result was amazing - the Hedrick community (Hedrick, Hitch, Summit) had over 70 people - the largest group present at the BBQ. as usual, lunch was followed by team competitions. Hedrick's attendance definitely helped our enthusiasm, and it helped even more that Sam (our leader) was the MC. we won second place (Dykstra got first), meaning we got a free ice cream party. what a great way to kick off this year's community. after the games me n Tammy went for a random walk in Westwood. it feels so weird to be back there again. looked at a bunch of random stores, then we each got a dozen cookies at Diddy Riese to share with our floormates. that's when i began to realize how much i've changed throughout my years in college. before moving in, i had to force myself to not use my experiences from previous years to judge this year's floor, especially since it's pretty much impossible to have a better community than last year's Incredible 2N. there weren't nearly as many open doors on this year's floor, but as much as i tried to accept things the way they were, something in my heart told me i shouldn't settle for second best. last year God showed people on 2N the ideal community, and now it's up to us to use our experiences to benefit our new floors. i found myself extremely disappointed at the fact that nobody organized a floor dinner, and after talking with Lisa (who was also on 2N last year and felt the same way), we decided to go knock on everyone's doors and invite people to eat with us - something completely out of my character. most people weren't in the rooms, but of the ones who were, everyone was surprised and glad that we knocked, and most of them came to join us. after an awesome dinner, me Lisa Connor and Yuanyuan (how to spell? =/) wnet to check out the Carnival outside Hedrick. got some free cotton candy and popcorn, then played some games. didn't win anything at the raffle, but it was still lots of fun. back on the floor, Lisa and i still couldn't quite accept how quiet it was, so we recruited people to come play spoons with us. it's one of my favorite community-building games - easy to learn, fun to play, makes everyone laugh, and doesn't require much thinking. people came and left, and the game wnet on for a very long time. i only left cuz i went downstairs to help get the ice cream for our party (in the 5S lounge). lots of people were already waiting there, and we had a great time eating and meeting each other. unsurprisingly, the night ended with a game of mafia. i didn't play though, cuz by then i was already very tired (after not sleeping much last night) and knew that the game would go on longer than i wanted it to. i found it pretty funny when Richard came back in the room later and had no idea i was up there sleeping until i said "how was mafia?" and unintentionally scared the crap out of him. even though we've already spent a whole year rooming together, God never fails to throw new surprises at us, and it only helps confirm my already growing knowledge that He already has everything this year planned out very well.

Wednesday - was gonna have breakfast with Phu, but he didn't make it, and i forced myself not to be discouraged and walked down to DeNeve to eat. a guy named Miles (from Hitch) came to sit with me n we talked n got to know each other. i told him i'm a music major.. turns out he plays sax for the marching band. it always amazes me that there can be a period of time when people are so open to socializing that they'll randomly find people to eat with. but this is definitely my favorite time of the schoolyear, and i want to make the best out of it. come on, did you think God was gonna make me eat alone during 0 week? anyways, i went on campus again afterwards to take care of some financial aide stuff - on Sunday before moving in i found out that for some reason i had never accept the money allotted to me, and i was sooo scared that i would end up losing it. but fortunately the people athe office told me i wouldn't lose anything. also went to SMB to set up my choir audition time. took a long path back to Hedrick - namely Sunset Blvd. even though this summer i had a great time hunting cars away from UCLA, i definitely miss the excitement of Sunset, and usual i felt very accomplished after hiking up that hill and back down to Hedrick. i made it back just in time for another IV leaders meeting - we were all assigned people to visit and invite to Catalyst on Thursday. i wasn't quite sure if i was ready to do it on my own, and i was almost about to use the fact that i'm not an "official" leader to justify me not having to visit anyone. but after praying for our floor and our community for so long, i knew i couldn't back out. lunch time came around, and we all went around 5N and 5S inviting peopel to eat with us. we ended up at three different tables - i sat with Janelle Jeff and Robbie (from 5N). we ended up joining another table to have a bigger group. thats when i met the first mean freshman - Michelle. ok fine, she's just being honest when she called me old. but calling me a loser and a dog? haha... anyways, went up to 5S afterwards and met a bunch of people there. me Hannah Doris n Janelle took a bunch of freshman on campus to find their classes. we ended up splitting up into smaller groups for specific areas (since some people were north campus and some were south), and that was as close as i've ever been to feeling like an Orientation leader. hehe.. at the end me Alex Michelle and Yasemin sat around n talked for a while, then walked back together. they came over to chill with me Richard n Iva for a while. it was nice to sit down and enjoy leftover cookies before another walk to Westwood. yup, second day in a row. me n Richard walked down to meet with Anny Bridget Lisa n Doris at Olive Garden. its like a mini 2N reunion... as usual the food was amazing. afterwards we were all really full (especially Richard after having never-ending pasta), but decided to go to Diddy Riese anyways. me n Richard went to visit Anny n Bridget's new apartment, and we left cuz i wanted to go visit and invite the freshmen on my list before it was too late. it took me a while to work up the guts to do it, but eventually it became quite easy (and fun). spent the rest of the night at Tammy and Julia's (in 3S) helping install Tammy's new printer. Michelle called n said she had a gift for me but by the time i was done with the printer she was already sleeping =/

Thursday - first day of class. i don't have class until 11AM every day, but having people to eat breakfast with always motivates me to get up early. ate with Lisa n Tammy, then walked to class with Tammy, then went to SMB to practice piano for the first time since i moved in. it's been a very busy week and i didn't mind sacrificing a little piano technique for the sake of building community on the floor. but its not like anyone plans on hanging out at 9:30AM anyways. oh and thanks Annie for letting me borrow her practice room key. i still need to buy a new key, and i should probably do it soon since i plan on practicing a lot harder this year than i did before. had my choir audition at 10:40... turns out Paul was the one in charge! he said i improved a lot since last year. i'm still not much of a public singer, but im glad to know that i dont suck as much now (not that i dont suck anymore). went to my first class - Music History, and met with the Crossword Puzzle & Sudoku gang once again! i actually managed to pay attention and stay awake most of the time, but i dont know how long that can last. the clock struck 1, and it was the strangest feeling to not be in Theory class anymore. but now i've moved on to something more advanced and more exclusive - composition class! theres only like 6 people in the class. all guys. all hardcore musicians. the room was so quiet that i had to be careful not to let my hungry stomach make any noise. im pretty sure im one of the less talented ones in the room, and already we have three assignments due on Tuesday. i'm not exactly the biggest fan of modern composition, so this class puts a lot of pressure on me, especially when most people around me seem to be composing for fun even outside of class, and i'm doing it only when required to. but God keeps reminding me how far i have already gone before with the help of an instructor, and being taught now by the chair of the music department should only make me improve even more. back in Hedrick, i finished visiting people to invite to Catalyst. went to find Michelle to get my present that she made for me. see it for yourself-

09/23: in the midst of the feelings of relaxation after finishing this month's ClayMusic concert tour and the anticipation/anxiety of returning to the dorms (tonight), i find myself having to take care of several things i didn't expect to have to worry about. as you probably saw already, this entry is on a temporary server. those of you who have known me for over two years should find this very familiar. long story short, remember earlier this year when i said my computer had the exact same problem it did before, and that i was gonna keep using it until it died and move on from there? well that day finally came yesterday. within a few split seconds, everything was gone. luckily i have almost everything backed up already, so the losses aren't nearly as bad as they could have been if this happened a few days earlier. and with this temporary server, i can still update this page regularly.

so what am i gonna do without a computer? lots of people already think i'm crazy, but my answer is simple - nothing. i can easily go and buy a new computer right now, but this is not the right time, and i know it for sure. how? its a long story, and if you go look up my old entries (early July 2005 if i remember correctly), i'm sure you can find it all. but to summarize, back in spring break of my sophomore year, my hard drive broke, forcing me to spend several hundred dollars in repairs, plus the frustration of being unable to communicate clearly with the customer service people and having to ship back items different from what i ordered, and amidst my frustration i realized God was telling me to leave my computer behind and pursue a lifestyle that normal college students cannot even imagine. so i spent the entire quarter without a computer, going to the lab every night to do homework and check emails. that period of time transformed me, forcing me to go out of my comfort zone to visit friends that i can no longer talk to online, and teaching me the incredible joy of living out the college experience to the fullest, not letting laziness interfere with the people and things i care about. this was also the time i decided to live with Richard in Hedrick the next year. with my heart already opened to God's calling, i knew He was telling me to move to the top of the hill and live the ideal social life that i always told my friends about. and as most of you know, the result was the most amazing schoolyear of my life.

computers and i have never got along well, and this is only one example of how i've been hurt by technological failures and forced to not depend on technology to run my life. so earlier this year when i realized that my hard drive was breaking again, i wasn't exactly surprised. but i prayed for wisdom, and God sustained the computer throughout the schoolyear and summer. i believe that it's no coincidence that it broke right before school is starting. i had a feeling the time was getting near, and even though i kept on telling God that i've already learned my lesson perfectly the first time and no longer depend on computers, He totally proved me wrong. the very fact that yesterday i felt so angry and depressed over the loss of my computer shows how much i've been depending on it. my first response was to run away and flee to the Secret Place, where i had a passionate argument with God. but only minutes later things began to make sense. what already happened can't be changed, so i have to accept it sooner or later. my experience sophomore year was simply too amazing, and if my letting go can allow God to work so much in my life, i'm more than willing to do it again if He tells me to. at that point a feeling of peace already came inside me. as the day progressed, the feelings of sorrow and loss began to fade away, and already i was beginning to see and appreciate God's purpose in my life.

if that's not enough to convince you that i'm doing the right thing in not buying a new comptuer immediately, then i can only pray that you can someday join me in seeking God's incredible purpose in life. life is never perfect, and when things go wrong we all respond in different ways. some choose to solve the problem with the most logical solution, but give it no further thought. i've thought about it for years, and i know for sure that God calls me to put my computer away once again because he's going to do something big through my sacrifice. if i stick to my own will and get a new computer right now, i will be denying Him the opportunity to perform the miracle. i could have bought a new computer my sophomore year too, and if i did so i would have never discovered the amazing college social life that i now live and cherish. by questioning my own reasoning and giving God a say in the situation, i'm giving Him the chance to lead the way, because his plans are always greater than my own in the long run. even if i suffer now, one day it will all be worth it, and i know that because He promised me so in the Bible. even though right now i'm feeling a bit confused and still frustrated, deep inside there's a sense of excitement that is continuing to grow in me, and i can't wait to see the amazing things He's about to do in my life.

09/22: there's one thing thats been on my summer to-do list for a long time and i never got to cross it out. actually i never really wrote it out, but if i did it would have the word "Zimmer" in it somewhere. after nearly a dozen attempts to shoot it, i decided to go today for one last try (since i wont be around on weekdays when school starts). hopped on my bike and cruised the neighborhood as usual, and waited at the place i always waited at. and suddenly it appeared! right before my eyes! and suddenly all that daydreaming i've been doing suddenly became reality. see for yourself-

09/21: just got back from Claymusic rehearsal for the second half of the tour. after another very long day of taking care of my sick computer, i was literally falling asleep while playing, and the little voice inside of me was desperately wishing for something sweet to drink. then just as the song ended, uncle Michael appeared with three bags of smoothies!! that was definitely the highlight of my day(night). i'm still very tired right now, but i jus got off the phone with Hannah and that leaves me a bit more awake (talking on the phone always helps sustain me a bit longer hehe). so im gonna get this week's updates out of the way first. soo how did Calvin spend the last week of summer besides fixing his computer?

Monday - now that i have a satisfactory weekly income, i can loosen up a bit on my spendings, and that left me with no excuse to not make another trip to Irvine to visit Cinda. summer's almost over so we probably wont be hanging out much anymore (i hope we still talk on the phone a lot though! =) ). with the morning to myself, i woke up early (despite slleeping late), practiced piano a little, then went to Newport Beach for some hunting. of course there isnt much to see on Monday morning, even on PCH. but nearly half dozen exotic showrooms/dealers within a couple blocks of each other was an amazing experience. shot some stuff at a car wash, then went to Cinda's new apartment. met up with Michael and Cindy and had lunch at SamWoo. they have Thai fried rice now... soo good! =). and thanks Michael for the treat. i felt soooo bad cuz i just barely met him. went to Ikea for some shopping for Cinda n Cindy's apartments... then continued at Target. went back to chill @ Michael's afterwards. met David, Khoi, and Anny (Cinda's cousin) who came by to visit for a little bit. i was gonna leave to go home but they asked me to stay n go eat so i said sure. went to Cha and chilled there til like 12:30. then i went home.

Tuesday - woke up early once again (!!) to practice piano, then went out to do some shopping with Steph. went to Target (haha), Costco, 99Ranch (or "Ranch99" as the Norcal people call it hehe). did you know they play worship songs at 99ranch? i thought that was pretty cool. came home for lunch, started writing letters, which i finished the next day and found the mailbox open then found my computer breaking and so on....

but yea, thats quite a few days without time to really sit back n relax. i guess its nice to spend a few days without going out. theres a lot of stuff on my mind right now. of course, im stressing over what to do with the computer - at this rate i'll be done backing up everything by tomorrow, and probably reformat on Saturday and have it working just in time for school to start (even though i know its still gonna have problems and i'll have to deal with it). also im thinking a lot about how im gonna approach the coming schoolyear in terms of classes, friends, dorm ministry, worship team, personal walk with God, and everything else i do at school (and yes, cars too hehe). also i'm worrying a lot about some of my friends who are getting themselves into trouble without realizing it. i wish i can do something to help, but right now i cant do much except pray very hard. thats wut i've beendoing a lot these days - praying very hard for everything thats on my mind. im sure its gonna make a difference. and for now i think im gonna go to sleep so i wont be too tired for tomorrow's Arcadia concert. goodnight!

09/20: wow, a whole week without updates. i've been soo insanely busy these days, and its gonna take forever to write everything. but for now i'll focus on today. today was a day full of firsts - very very random firsts. it was the first time in almost two weeks that i had a whole day to myself without concerts, rehearsals, teaching, errands, or even just going out with friends. and its definitely the first time i had a day like this and didnt feel unmotivated. even though it was hard to wake up, i still got over an hour of piano practice - very good practice - and stayed focus the entire day being productive. a surprise boba from mom for lunch definitely helped =).

today was the first time i called the police. i went to mail a letter - yes, as of now i finished writing every letter im supposed to write, so if i told u im gonna write to you but you dont get anything in the next few days, remind me again cuz i probably forgot =/. anyways, that was off topic. i went to mail a letter, only to find four of the mailboxes (its a big community box for the street) open, including ours. told mom, shedidnt know wut happened either. talked to our neighbor who was also confused. so i called the police. and the postal inspectors. now they're gonna investigate and they shoudl call me back tomorrow. i took a bike ride around the neighborhood (another unsuccessful ZImmer hunt hehe) and saw the same thing happen on another box on the next street. my mom already told the mailman and most of the neighborhood is probably aware of it already... hoepfully nobody stole anything with personal info on it.

today was the first time i burned five CDs in a row full of pictures. i tend to easily forget that my computer has brain cancer, and today i decided to dig into the biggest pile of files - my car pictures - and back them all up. and my burner wasnt working at first so i had to fix that too. the first CD took five hours to burn successfully. so i basically just sat there all afternoon/night working on it. i seriously thought i wouldnt be able to save anything, and i would have literally cried if i lost my car picture collection. but fortunately everything's fine right now. im most likely gonna reformat the whole computer sometime in the next few weeks, and in the mean time i'm gonna save stuff on my compuer a different way to guarantee that almost everything stays unharmed. i know God's reminidng me about all this computer stuff again just before school starts. speaking of school... i talked with Richard yesterday (hes already moved in!) and it seems like this schoolyear's gonna be very very exciting. hope everyone is still praying for our floor/dorm. i know its gonna be a great year.

so as you can tell i've had my share of staring at the computer screen today already. i doubt i'll be awake enough to write everything about the past week, but i'll get the Claymusic trip out of the way first. Friday - very exhausting drive to San Jose, with a nice brunchbreak @ IHOP. met with Samuel shrushru and Larry there, and continued the rest of the drive together. met with the other car (Jeffrey, Debbie, Choe, Jimmy) at the church in San Jose. it was a really really nice church - very big (not by China standards hehe), great sound system, great stage, etc... the rest of the team (mom, Gary, Luis) met us there later in the evening in time for a quick dinner before the concert. it went very well overall - attendance was much better than what we usually get in America - i'm sure our attitude has changed since China and it made a difference. met a guy named Joshua afterwards who also goes to UCLA... he knows soo many people i know. turns out hes Joseph's rommate next year. isnt that crazy? haha... afterwards the church people took us to a nearby Chinese restaurant - it was very late at night but after a huge concert it always feels so relaxing, so i ate a whole plate of fried rice. and i got a boba too. yes, a boba at midnight. how often do i get to try Norcal boba? hehe... and luckily after we went to the house we were staying at, i fell asleep right away. Saturday - woke up and had coffee, then took pics outside cuz the house was stayed at was REALLY nice. lunched with church pplz again at some dimsum place, then drove to San Francisco. i slept most of the way (it was like an hour i think), and woke up just in time to see a Maranello. pics were crappy though =/. got to the church, did the usual setup stuff.. i was sooo tired even before the concert, but some ice cold frappachinos really helped =). setting up and troubleshooting was a bit harder than expected, but at the end everything worked out. another awesome concert with good turnout. no late-night afterparty this time (i was way too tired for one anyways), but they prepared food for us to take home. we stayed at some more volunteers' homes - this time its a small 80-year-old house. very unique in my opinion... San Francisco is crowded, but its definitely a pretty cool place. the guys (me, Gary, Luis, Michael shrushru) stayed downstairs in the basement room, and me n Luis took the small storage room. the door helped block out a lot of "noise" hehe. Sunday - our final event in Norcal - leading for Sunday service at another church walking distance from where we lived. we actually walked - its not like theres parking anyways hehe. its a small church and we used soundtracks (i played for altercall only), but it turned out great. God really met with a lot of people there. we had a quick lunch there, then swung by the Golden Gate bridge before going home. Luis decided to make a random u-turn in the mountain road and got the car (rental Impala) stuck in the ditch. stupid front wheel drive hehe. so we backed up traffic cuz we were stuck there horizontally blocking the way. then Gary got out and pushed the car back out. haha... so we all parked and took a million pics there (i'll post them sometime). then we all went our own ways going home. me, Luis, mom, and Gary had the most fun - we went to Fisherman's Wharf - i was feeling quite frustrated cuz earlier i saw a Mangusta (!!!) at the bridge but didnt take good pics. so i wandered teh street for 10 minutes and got a F355 Spider. that made me feel sooo much better =). then we walked around the shopping area near the beach and got Clam Chowder. soooo good! i cant believe i ever liked dorm clam chowder hehe. bought some stuff, then headed home. very long and exhausting drive... i was actually awake the second half, cuz while we were driving uphill Gary never stopped complaining about the car's bad performance and how slow drivers force him to brake and lose momentum. ahhaha... me n Luis were laughing so hard. and mom was sleeping. hahaha. so anyways, got home at like midnight. very tired, but it was all worth it.

and i didnt exactly get much sleep that night either, cuz i had plenty more to do on Monday and Tuesday. but right now im way too tired to write about all of it, so im gonna shut up and save that til tomorrow. goodnight!

09/13: went out to run errands with mom in the morning... she drove by Lollicup and decided to turn inside. i was like hUh!?... so she decided to treat me to a boba. yeeeessssssssssss!!!! you have no idea how much i've been dying for one. its the first time i've wanted a boba so much that i was gonna go out (in the afternoon) and buy one for myself. but yea, thanks mom =).

i attempted to pick classes today... everythings basically settled now, wiht a few final decisions to be made during 0 week after talking with Al Bradley. does anyone know if i'm allowed to take Orchestration if i havent done Composition yet? that would help me graduate much earlier =). but yea.. so far it looks like i'll be staying an extra quarter to finish up some classes. we'll see how that works out.

i've been remembering Hedrick in my prayers every day, and the closer it gets until school starts, the more real everything seems. just a few days ago this whole 'schoolyear' thing that i prayed for was of another world. now i can start to picture it - moving into my room on 5N, talking with Richard whos probably gonna be there before me (as usual hehe... i always need to switch my move-in time), meeting floormates, staying up til 3AM chillin, walking around Sunset Blvd, walking to campus, floor dinners, etc... the more real things seem, the easier it is to pray about it. to all the IV people in Hedrick - don't forget to do the same. it's gonna be a great year and im looking forward to it already.

even though i've already done my humongous picture post, dont forget that aside from people and cars theres something else i love to use my camera for - wallpaper pics! and i definitely have plenty of those from various places i've visited this summer that i want to post. now the problem is picking the best ones. and its a big problem, considering i have over dozen pics of the same friggin lake. but yea... wallpaper pics always get me excited, especially since i rarely get a chance to update that page. but look for an update soon, most likely next week.

so about the rest of summer - weekends (Friday-Sunday) are entirely full until after school starts because of the Claymusic tour. next week i dont need to be home to watch my moms class, so i'm free pretty much free all day Monday-Thursday, except a few hours of teaching (which will be moved to the weekend once school starts, just like last year). i think i'm going down to Irvine again on Monday, other than that there's nothing planned. to help me make some more awesome memories for an already awesome summer. this Friday i leave early in the morning for San Jose, so i might not update before i leave. please keep our concerts in your prayers - if it worked in China, it can work in America too =). ok, thats all i have to say now. bye!

09/12: go look at Car-Parazzi right now. remember that blue Murcielago roadster i shot in Beverly Hills? soo turns out Lex and Mike saw the same thing recently, and Lex posted a pic of it. so i jumped in and put one of mine too, and IMed Mike to tell him to post his too, and he did. so now theres 3 pics in a row on the front page of the same car, but from 3 different people. definitely not something that happens everyday. and plus its one of those amazing cars that will be remembered on the site for a very long time, so the pics definitely got a lot of comments. that was fun =). speaking of cars, i finally updated the ECPG yesterday with all my summer pics, most of which are already on Car-Parazzi. one more thing off my to-do list. i'm working on picking classes right now, and the China emails are in progress too. looking good so far. by this time tomorrow i hope the list will be pretty close to empty.

so anyways... pretty surprising day today. got to hang out with Emily(Shih). havent talked to her in the longest time... its soo great to catch up again. shes probably one of the only people i've known since we were kids and can still call a good friend. im soo glad she remembered me on her list of friends to hang out with before going to college (UCSD). soo we went to Jack in the Box to get coffee for her grandma, and turns out her friend was working there and gave us free drinks =) (thanks!). then we went to eat at Lollicup - even though i'm craving boba more than ever before these days, i somehow decided not to get one, since i had a huge cup of root beer already. so we got food, went back to eat @ Emily's. then i came back to help my mom with her class, then went to teach. so i decided to accept the half-hour student - even if its during traffic hour, its still a decent money/time balance. and besides the family is really nice and i dont feel like i wasted a trip at all. so yea... if God permits, maybe He'll open new doors around that area for me in the future. if not, i'm fine with the way things are right now. so anyways, it's 12:29 right now, meaning i need to shut up right away. goodnight!

09/10: so that test entry didn't work, at least not until an hour and a half later. i dont know what went wrong with the serrver, but it doesnt matter now cuz it works fine now =). and you know what that means - the long-long-long-long-awaited PICTURES are finally online!! 316 pictures, highlighting several of my most memorable moments from July until now. for an exact list of what's new, click the "under construction" link at the bottom of the journal. most people dont even know it's there. i'm eventually gonna rename it 'updates', cuz all i use it for now is to list things i update on the site. thats one of several changes i plan to give this site during its next facelift, even though i'm not sure exactly when its gonna take place. for now, i'm glad to get one huge thing off my mind (and crossed off on my to-do list), and i expect everything else on my current list to be crossed off within the next few days. lets hope i stick to my word. bye!

09/10: it's amazing how God speaks to me. in the midst of my confusion over whether or not this whole piano-teaching thing is right for me, i sit in the sanctuary after church for a meeting and suddenly see Bill next to me. he saw me first and came to say hi. he doesn't even go to my church but today somehow he showed up. oh and by the way, Bill's one of my many former piano students, and for over a month i had assumed that he belonged in the "stupid excuses" category. until today, that is. so turns out there's just some pretty irresponsible people inbetween us that screwed up our communication, and to make a long story short, i'm going to his house again starting this Thursday. while losing students can completely screw me up, gaining students does the absolute opposite, especially one as motivated as Bill. and to make things better, it turns out he knows lots of people (Ben, Ricky, etc) at GCCI, so he might continue coming. so maybe i'm not that screwed after all. we'll see what happens. i'm not gonna allow myself to suddenly fluctuate to absolute happiness again just yet. but if all works out, i may not go broke after all...

meanwhile, quick update on the pictures that were supposed to be done two days ago but still aren't up yet. Friday i was in a really bad mood and didnt wanna work on it. Saturday i did a lot of work, but editing 120 pictures takes a lot longer than i thought, so i only got halfway done. today i finished it, but now theres something wrong with the server and it wont let me upload anything. this is kind of a test entry to see if it works or not. if so, the pics should be up tonight. if not then God only knows how long it will take to solve the problem...

09/09: i'm starting to realize that my mood is really really random. the smallest things can hurt me like crazy, and the smallest things can also make everything ok. so today wasn't all that bad, at least not compared to yesterday. lots of random stuff helped cheer me up. random phone call in the morning, not something i usually wake up expecting. good eye candy on the 210 freeway, namely a Phantom, DB9, Corvette C1 (x2) & C2, Prowler, 360 Challenge Stradale. even Lex was surprised i saw all that on the 210 in one day. if i could only choose one, i would shoot the Challenge. it was red, had the racing stripe and everything. but i got the Prowler instead. still very good. in fact, i got three shots, one of which i consider my best freeway shot ever, if not my best moving shot in general. that was very very satisfying, especially after a week with two hunts and one trip resulting in absolutely nothing.

i dont really like to hold grudges - it doesnt resolve any problems and just makes me stress and hurt myself cuz i'll die earlier. this morning i was still very disappointed about being so unmotivated after yesterday, and i looked forward to hunting cars on the freeway a lot more than the actual piano lesson. but the moment i sat down at the piano things changed. reality struck me again. i wasn't playing for my teacher or for my mom, but for myself. i'm playing because i want to, and i want to get as much as possible before i leave. so i still did my best, and still learned a lot. i still wish i have more time to learn before school starts, but i'm pretty content with today, and i hope i'll continue to practice hard even without taking lessons anymore.

right now i'm at the point where i'm still very confused and frustrated, but i'm starting to feel better cuz the pain is slowly forcing me to let go of myself. if this is what it takes for God to teach me not to be selfish, i'd love for the pain to continue. i'm glad i'm rational enough to think openly even when i dont feel too happy, and God always uses it to show me a way out. thats probably why a lot of people always think i'm optimistic. and thats definitely a good thing. well its almost 12:30, which means i need to shut up so i can turn off the computer. yes, i've decided to implement my computer rules again for the rest of summer, and so far they're working quite well. goodnight!

09/08: "Of course, I was a little disappointed to be the only winner without a live concert. But God reminded me of what my mom and I prayed for regarding this performance. And He answered that prayer by telling me that even though life as a musician won't be easy and things won't always go my way, He will always have a solution to every problem as long as I trust Him." -Journey to Schoenberg (10/12/2005 entry)

this is the part of the Journey that i always find myself forgetting. perhaps i prefer to dwell on the fact that God has written such a great story in my life. but this is a promise that i will have to rely on time after time throughout my life as a musician, and right now i'm definitely living through one of those times. first of all, i'm not exactly too happy about practicing piano. recently i've been already kinda down on myself for the fact that tomrorow is my last lesson and i haven't accomplished nearly as much as i wanted to. sure, i learned a lot and its definitely gonna help when school starts. but i wish i did more. one thing i know i learned for sure is that i love playing piano - even practicing piano. unlike most people (even music majors), i'm willing to practice not just for performances, competitions, or grades, but simply because i like it and i want to get better. at least that was the case until my mom suddenly started lecturing me this morning about how it doesnt matter if i like it or not, because if i'm a music major then i have to practice like that everyday. perhaps she's right, but does she really think i'm so stupid that i didnt know? being a music major was my choice, and i chose it because God showed me the way through my passion. and that passion is something i have that most people don't. and now suddenly my mom's discouraging me from the one thing that motivates me. with the mentality that i practice because i should, even several hours of practice will result in only mediocre music. and it really disappointed me to know that my mom, who always supported me in music, suddenly doesn't seem to get the point anymore. great way to begin my last practice before my final lesson huh?

on the other hand my job isn't exactly going well either. right now im at the point where if i find a way to get a 'real' job that wont interfer with my schooltime schedule, i'm willing to drop all my students and settle for something completley different. right now my teaching schedule is more ridiculous than its ever been - two students, one is every other week (read: every other week is wasted for me) and one weekly but only half an hour, and it takes more than half an hour just to drive there and back. i still havent called back about that, cuz im not sure if i wanna do it or not. and the theory students? i dont give a care what they (the parents) told me about continuing when school starts... i'm gonna assume they're too chicken to admit they quit until i get a call from them proving otherwise.

so yea... thats my life right now. everytime summer comes around i wonder if its right for me to just teach and still ahve so much free time without finding another job to make more money. and every summer God tells me its ok. going to summercon, China, and the upcoming NorCal trip made it hard to actually apply for a stable job, and since i know im doing all these things for God, i assumed it would be ok. but then why the heck do i feel so screwed up now? i'm waiting for God to speak right now - either get my teaching job going again so i'll stick with it, or leave things the way they are which means i'll eventually get even more frustrated and quit completely. either way, God has His plan and i'm dying to see it...

i did attempt to talk with my mom about the whole piano thing. she didn't give a care. she just doesnt get it. after thinking about it, i find myself quite spoiled compared to many of my friends whos parents never seem to understand them. its been years since my mom hurt me like this. i need someone that can listen and understand and not force me to shut up, interrupt me, or make me feel even worse than i do now. maybe its just cuz i haven't done jack all week. this whole week i haven't left the house once for something that i'm not forced to do. everyones either busy or too far away (or both). if next week doesn't get any better, i'm gonna go on vacation by myself. maybe some nice cars will cheer me up. or some good food. a cup of boba will always help. we'll see wut happens... oh and what about gas money? by that point, i wont give a care anymore. money just makes me stress and makes me more selfish. might as well forget about it. i'm sure i have enough to last me until things get better...

09/07: went Zimmerhunting for the THIRD time, and still saw nothing. what's going on? i better get my pictures soon or im gonna go crazy. anyways... spent the whole afternoon/night working on pictures - yup, the long awaited batch of pics from this summer that i havent posted yet! first of all, if you said you were gonna give me pictures to post online anytime this summer and haven't done so yet, just forget about it. i've waited way too long and in reality what i have is already enough for posting. before you get your hopes up, the pics are not up yet. its taking a lot longer than i thought. but i expect to be done by tomorrow =). trust me, its worth the wait. as far as i can remember, this is the largest picture post i've ever done - over THREE HUNDRED pics in all. i'm taking a break from the gruesome task of sorting out all the pics from China, and it looks like that's gonna be the largest single set of pictures on this entire site. and for the first time, i have to get used to renumbering the pics with THREE digits instead of two. thats gonna take forever. but its ok... im almost done and im not gonna stop here. i've had so much on my mind these days and i always find myself feeling very unenergetic and unmotivated. but in these last few weeks of summer theres really no time to waste, so i'm trying to get my act together again and start crossing stuff off my to-do list. in fact, i'm gonna get back to work now. bye!

09/06: just got back from the Intervarsity meeting at CSUDH. i actually left home at 3 and spent about an hour at Hermosa Beach. come on, did you expect me to drive an hour (traffic n stuff) just to go to a single place? haha... it was quite disappointing though. very very disappointing. i saw nothing. nothing at all. i can swear even driving around home is more interesting - at least there's that Zimmer in my neighborhood (which i will totally hunt down and shoot before school starts) and HWL Plaza not too far away. but at least the awesome carhunting trio (me, camera, and scooter) got to reunite. i did make one little kid gasp and whisper to his parents unbelievingly "he's riding with no hands!!". i just smiled and took off =). at the end i was still really really disappointed so i treated myself to a donut. yep... after all those free donuts its about time i bought one =). introduced myself to Cinda's dad n we talked until another customer came. i got back to Dominguez Hills just in time to give Hannah a call and say happy birthday ( =) ) before i was supposed to meet with the IV people.

its weird how i've had SYMF at that building for so many years and now suddenly i'm there to play for worship. actually today Jamel (the original keyboardist) was still there so i played along with him on a second keyboard. he's sooooo good! *very amazed*. afterwards me John (pastor) and Rashina (worship leader) were talking and i told them honeslty that since i only have two more weeks to help them before my school starts, i think its better for them to recruit someone from their own campus, so they can actually practice together and build long-term teamwork (both of which are extremely important, especially in this crazy gospel stuff that can take me forever to pick up). but i said i'm willing to come the next two weeks if they need me to. so we'll see wut happens...

as an Asian it's always weird to be in a group where i'm actually the minority. and by minority i mean two people - me and an international student from Mongolia who's rooming with one of the IV leaders. it definitely gives me a different outlook on multiethnicity. i'll admit that if i have a choice, i would probably prefer to serve people that are more like myself, just cuz its easier to connect. to an extent its a good thing to focus ministry on a specific group of people, but then again i need to learn to be open-minded and see everyone as equal. i need to break out of my comfort zone and learn to connect with people who are different from myself. i always say i'm willing to do it, but actually taking action is a different story, and joining this group definitely helps me practice that...

i spent much of this morning thinking (mostly stressing) about lots of things that spawned after i agreed to go to CSUDH. i knew myself well enough to believe that unless i sorted things out with God before i left home, i would not be able to drive peacefully; the whole time i would be stressing about how i'm gonna pay for the gas money and whether or not i'm really willing to commit so much time and energy to do this. and thats not the attitude i should have when i'm going to do something for God. i've always enjoyed being efficient - something i proved works well after this summer's area trips - but excessive worrying about efficiency really messes me up. i'm a very selfish person and i'll admit it honestly. i want to make sure all the money i earn goes to good use - namely for my own use. whatever it is, i ultimately want to get something out of it. and if i dont, then it's a waste and i don't feel happy spending it. when i realized that, it suddenly makes sense how i always tend to complain about having to give people rides, run errands, or even do worship stuff where nobody can choffeur me around. i've been reading my own China entry a lot, and i have to constantly remind myself that miracles requires a humble heart willing to make sacrifices. if i leave home to serve God while worrying about gas money, traffic, dinner, and so many other things, then i'm clearly not willing to give him my all. and whatever sacrifices i have to make, if God wants me to make it then doesn't that mean He'll provide for me too?

yes, this is one of those times when i'm very stressed about how my work schedule will look this coming schoolyear. i'm sick of listening to stupid explanations for why people dont want to learn piano anymore, and if its really something that i've done wrong, i want someone to tell me the truth so i wont make the same mistake again. meanwhile lots of people told me they're still gonna be learning from me but they keep saying they'll call back and take forever to do so. reality is really starting to hit me - this is the danger of being a musician that countless people have warned me about. but then again, this is also the thing God promised me He'll take care of... as long as i trust in Him. so thats wut i need to do now. i decided even though John is very generous and offered to cover whatever expenses i spend to join their fellowship, i'm not gonna ask for it - if i'm doing this for God, i want to make my sacrifice so He can do miracles. and if i do get any reimbursement, thats a bonus. either way, God's gonna take care of me, so wut am i worried about? =)

09/05: finally, the wind's blowing the right direction so my room is actually cold. it hasnt been like this for several days and i was dying of heat! i've been pretty confused about stuff lately... finally my to-do list is starting to get smaller, but at the same time i'm not feeling too happy about it. one thing i know for sure is that i spend way too much time online. it's at the point where i literally lose track of time sitting here in front of the computer. and with the ridiculous heat it's not like i want to be productive anyways. i even wake up early just to practice piano before it gets too hot. i'm starting to realize once again that being online so much is hurting me (and my friendships) more than it's helping me, and i'm feeling really motivated to reimplement my rules from last summer. no more than two hours of AIM every day, including time spent on away. no computer before noon, except when necessary. i'm looking at a computer curfew too - probably somewhere between midnight and 1AM. i know this stuff sounds crazy, but trust me it really helps. i'm not gonna let myself fall into old traps i've already found my way out of...

i got a random call from John, an IV leader from Cal State Dominguez Hills. apparently their keyboardist is gone for a while and they're looking for someone to fill in, and he contacted the UCLA leaders and they referred him to me. so yea, i'll be attending their fellowship tomorrow night and probably every Wednesday night until school starts. something inside me tells me i'm crazy. i usually dont agree to stuff liek this so easily. its probbaly cuz it costs me a good $20-30 to drive there and back, and this is definitely not the best time of the year for me to increase my spendings. they said they'll pay for everything but i still feel kinda weird. and i want to avoid traffic so i wanna go super early but i need to find something to do, and i still have to help my mom's class in the afternoon so i cant exactly go very early, so i'm stuck in the middle of nowehre right now. i guess God's reminding me to have faith in whatever He's gonna do. i pray that i can stop worrying about nonsense and look at the big picture like He always teaches me to do.

on a different note, Steph came over today to learn some music that i wrote out for her. that was fun... very unexpected, but i always like visitors =). speaking of music, i just got back from ClayMusic prayer meeting... weird how everytime i go i'm always reminded of how i was feeling the first time i went. thank God things have changed. by the way, we're preparing for our next tour - 7 concerts in San Jose, San Francisco, and Arcadia. it's my first time with the group after China and i'm looking forward to it...

09/04: Thoughts from the Sky: Reflections on China

Another adventure has come to an end, and right now I'm a few thousand feet up in the sky heading back home. It's been over a decade since I last flew across the Pacific, and the experience is as fresh to me as everything else that happened in the past week and a half. The cabin lights are dimmed, and everyone around me seems to be either asleep or engaged in the tiny TV screens on the seats. I tend to have trouble falling asleep in moving objects, and this time it's not only because of uncomfortable seating, but because there's so many things shooting across my mind. It's one of those moments when you realize something amazing that once consumed your life has suddenly become something of the past, and you try your best to contain as much as possible in your memory. If it isn't for the fact that I've been keeping a daily journal throughout the China mission trip, I know I won't be able to remember everything that happened in this past week and a half. But at this point it's not all about remembering the little details of the past. The only thing I can do to make this trip even more memorable is to consider the things I learned from my many experiences and apply them to my own life back at home. As a Christian I've heard countless sermons about God's love, but nothing can compare to actually being a part of it. Of all the experiences and lessons from this trip, these are the ones that impact me the most...

on Missions:

I used to believe that rather than pursuading Christians to go on mission trips, it is more important to focus on their personal relationships with God, so God's love will prompt them to love others, producing results that last longer than those of typical missions. People around me seem to always have a heart for the diseased in Asia, the hungry in Africa, and even the homeless people nearby in Los Angeles. Everytime I hear an emotional story or watch a harsh video promoting missions, I see those around me respond immediately, offering their energy, time, and money to help the needy. I sit quietly without a single tear in my eye, believing that a few dollars or even a short-term mission trip will not have a long-term effect on those who need it. Is my heart really so much harder than everyone else's?

I agreed to go to China for several reasons. First, I had nothing else planned for summer anyway. Also, the trip wouldn't cost me a penny. And of course, I got to do what I enjoy doing - playing piano and making music. All that, plus the opportunity to visit a country I've never been to, leaves me no reason not to go. And the result was overwhelming. Unlike the typical "mission", our team was treated to good hotels, incredible food, and even some tourist activities. Many of us had trouble accepting the fact that we were actually there for missions. I humorously mentioned that while hundreds of people at home were taking turns fasting for us, we were eating like royalty in China. To my surprise, Pastor Chen replied by saying that if it weren't for those who were fasting, we would not be eating and living as lavishly as we were. While most mission trips focus on those with physical and financial needs, the truth is that even those who don't need more money need God. Even though we were serving ordinary city people through concerts that could easily be treated as mere entertainment, it became more and more clear as the days passed that God was in fact working through us. And having support through constant prayer enabled us to do things that are impossible without God.

I got to share in front of a couple thousand people about following God's purpose. Perhaps this idea of purpose applies to missions too. While we are all called to fulfill the Great Commission, none of us can do it alone. We all have different callings, both in our own abilities and in the people we feel most burdened to love. I'll admit that sometimes during the concerts I felt like I was simply playing piano like I always do. But to the entire team's surprise, the most frequent response we received about our concerts was regarding our genuineness. Sure, I have sin in my life (especially back at home) that pulls me away from God and makes me feel hypocritical being "holy" in front of so many people. But then again, who doesn't have sin? And what sin doesn't distance people from God? The closer we grow to God, the more we will understand His heart and feel the need to love others as He does. But just because we aren't as perfect as we should be, it doesn't mean we should dismiss opportunities to work for Him. The harvest is plenty, but the workers are few. There is no doubt God used our team to transform many hearts in China, and even though we are no longer there with them, God will not let our efforts go to waste. If China is my calling, then may God expand my love for the people there, so I can pray for them and serve them more sincerely. If music is my mission, then may He continue to give me dilligence and passion to humbly pursue His gift for me so I can use it for His glory in even greater ways.

on Music:

As a musician I understand how hard it is to truly focus on God through music without putting the spotlight on myself. And yes there were many people who enjoyed my performance, and even moved closer to the piano so they could hear and see me more clearly. But I was surprised to realize that while being in the spotlight was definitely fun, the moments I felt most passionate were those when people shared with me about their experiences with music and worship, and asked me to teach them some ways to enhance their own performance. Throughout the trip, our team had several opportunities to share specifically with those involved in music ministry, giving them new insight on both musical technique and worship leading. Those were the times when I felt most compelled to participate. Clearly music is a gift that God has given me and is continuing to nurture in me. But it is of no good for me to keep it to myself, using it only to show off and attract fans like many musicians do. Everything I'm able to do is from God, and the pleasure I gain from being able to give to others just as God has given to me lets me know for sure that music is more than just a hobby in my life.

I'm definitely one of the less fluent Chinese speakers in the group, and even when I went on stage to share my testimony, I spoke in English (with a translator) so I could feel more comfortable and express myself better. Yet at the end many people who knew little or even no English still came to talk to me. As I talked with them, I found it difficult to fully comprehend their language and respond with the right words. Yet something constantly held us together - the music. Even though all I did was play piano, instrumental music alone was able to touch people's hearts. I've always believed that music is a universal form of language, and this trip only confirms it. Music has the power to alter emotions and transform people's hearts. But when backed by prayer and used for God's glory, it has the power to bridge the gap between the divine and the worldly, inviting God's presence and letting people see a glimpse of His beauty.

on Teamwork:

The one thing I felt the team struggled with most during the trip was a lack of unity. While the musicians focused on ministry through worship and concerts, others focused on pastoral meetings, sermons, and the promoting of videos designed to help the people in China. Of course, everything we did is ultimately about God. But that was really about as similar as our goals could get. To me (and several others), sitting through meetings about church history and vision didn't mean much. Some sermons were too long, and hard to understand at times for those of us who are more comfortable speaking English. Spending most of the day sitting and listening (or finding other ways to kill time) was much more exhausting than the concerts themselves, and fortunately we were able to make our feelings known to everyone during one of the morning group meetings. When Pastor Chen told those who complained to remain one in spirit with everyone else, I was a bit frustrated, even bitter, at having to waste time doing unnecessary things when I could be spending the time resting (which most of us desperately needed).

The same need for unity was felt on stage during the concerts, even though it was a much smaller issue than our overall teamwork. As musicians we all know that it's very important to be able to hear each other and communicate with each other during performances. During rehearsals we help each other learn our own parts, but on the stage we bear with each other even when someone messes up and everyone else has to help cover the mistake. With the help of team members in charge of powerpoint, sound board, prayer, and other important offstage positions, the effectiveness of our teamwork overshadowed all the difficulties we encountered.

Throughout the trip I asked myself why it was so easy to seek after teamwork during concerts but so hard to do so when it's for other ministry-related things that I'm not interested in. Perhaps it's because I'm one of the youngest people on the team and I'm simply not mature enough yet. Some of our leaders never showed a hint of boredom or complaint throughout the trip, whether they were preaching or not. They constantly supported us in prayer, and their attitude amazed me. The truth is that we are all imperfect people serving other imperfect people with the gifts that God has given us. We have all been through hardships that have become testimonies, and our stories have crossed paths during this trip, coming together to fulfill the purpose of glorifying God. We were surprised to hear that the one thing many people said they enjoyed most about our events was not a particular song or testimony, but the united spirit of our team. They told us that we actually "lived" our music with a genuine heart for God. I must admit it's not true at all times, but it's encouraging to know that we're doing well, and as we continue to grow together in the family of God, I wish we can all continue to strive for a unity of purpose that will help us serve God even more effectively.

on Churches:

Shortly after breakfast on our first morning in China, we heard the news that a few hundred people were already gathered at a local church awaiting our arrival. Because we already had plans for the morning, we did not join them until a couple hours later. When we arrived, they greeted us with a warm applause, and invited us to lead a worship set. Even though their audio equipment wasn't too great, especially for our style of worship, it didn't distract them from pouring out their hearts to God.

By now, situations like this don't surprise me anymore. This is the way every church we visited functions. It's not about beating the clock to arrive on time; people in China arrive early, and while waiting they either talk with one another, pray silently, or worship. Very often a leader will recruit a pianist, then step up and lead the congregation in singing hymns until it's time to start the actual program. Being the spoiled Americans we were, we arrived late more than once, and each time it happened I felt more shameful. Had we not been the leaders, we wouldn't even have had seats inside the church by the time the program began. The buildings were packed an hour before the program began, sometimes with an overflow section even larger than then thousand-seat sanctuaries themselves. Most of these churches have no air conditioning, and only a few fortunate ones end up within range of a fan. I constantly remind myself that even the largest churches we visited don't have real parking lots; almost everyone either walks, bikes, or uses public transportation. Many came from other cities on foot to attent our concerts. And did I mention that the temperature and humidity were almost unbearable?

Several of the pastors were quite strict about ending on time, because after 10:00PM the buses would stop running and many people would have no ride home. However, the time given to us was not nearly enough to complete both the concert and the sermon. At the end, we were given permission to run every event on our own time. For the pastors it was a huge leap of faith, both to accept our more liberal style of worship and preaching and to believe that letting the program run more than an hour overtime can actually be beneficial. As I unwillingly sat through sermon after sermon, I suddenly realized that the congregation remained the same size even as the clock continued to tick and the bus drivers completed their final stops. How they ended up getting home is beyond my understanding. But one thing I know is that they have an amazing faith, and it is through that faith that God rewarded them.

The faith and humility I witnessed at the churches in China force me to question my own attitude toward church. Am I willing to arrive at church early, or at least on time, regardless of whether or not service actually starts on time? Am I willing to bike or walk a mere eight miles from home to church if I have no car? Can I focus on God and humble myself before Him amidst technical problems? Even when there are no problems, can I simply have the same faith I saw in the Chinese people? I don't know how much of a difference a few people can make in a church as large as GCCI, but I know it's something we all need, and I pray that amidst the blessing of such excellent living conditions (compared to those in China), we can find our way to the same attitude of faith and humility that allows God to transform us.

on Success:

My favorite Bible passage about worship is found in 2 Chronicles 5. Hundreds of musicians, both singers and instrumentalists, were praising God in unison, and the temple was filled with the presence of God in the form of a cloud. As a musician I can testify that it's physically impossible for so many people to come together and be in unison musically without a lot of practice. Ever since I became a part of ClayMusic, I knew God wanted me to use my talents to worship Him at a more musically advanced level than possible with a typical worship team. I've always taken our concerts more seriously than an ordinary worship set, and in every concert I expected a professional level of performance.

At any of our rehearsals prior to the trip, I would most likely be either giving Uncle Samuel a list of things to adjust on the sound board, complaining about small musical details that almost nobody in the audience would notice, or getting unhappy because certain team members didn't learn their own parts and everyone had to wait for them. I wanted us to have a successful performance, but clearly it wasn't as easy as I thought. And being on stage several times in very large churches with ridiculously few people in the audience was extremely discouraging. It also didn't help that many of our altar calls didn't prompt a single person to stand up. We've done everything we could already, yet our music ministry didn't seem to be getting anywhere.

One thing I often forget in the passage in 2 Chronicles is that when God entered the temple in the form of a cloud, the priests could no longer continue what they were doing because they were overwhelmed by God's glory. After so much practice and preparation for that day, their performance ended up being interrupted by the very purpose it was prepared for. When I realized I was about to go to China and face the largest crowds I've ever performed for in my life, I wanted to make our concerts as successful as possible, and during the performances I even forced myself to ignore the ridiculous heat on stage to focus on making the music sound good. Yet several times I ended up disappointed. We encountered countless technical problems throughout the trip, and almost every event involved difficulty hearing each other on stage or a CD or video not playing properly (if playing at all). One concert came to a halt when the entire church's sound system blew out in the middle of "How Majestic Is Your Name", probbaly the most difficult song in the set, forcing us to mime our way to the end, then announce that we could no longer continue.

Why was it that after having played for countless ClayMusic concerts, our most musically disasterous moments were the ones in front of the largest audiences? And why was it that while our much more "successful" events in America moved little or no hearts, we were able to bring several dozen people to Christ at every concert in China? Of course, it had to do partly with the attitude that the people in China have. But just because we are "professional" and sacrificed several hours to practice, it doesn't mean we don't need to have faith like the people in the audience. God wants us to live lives of worship, both when practicing and when performing. Yes, He expects us to do our best to achieve musical success for His glory. But when we've done our best and things don't go our way, it's simply because He's reminding us that no matter how amazing our performance gets, we are not perfect. In fact, we are nothing without Him. The focus of our concerts is on God, not on ourselves, so even when we had done our best and still ended up facing unexpected problems we couldn't solve, it doesn't determine success as seen through God's eyes. God's will for us as musicians is, above all, to have faith and let Him lead the way, and everything else we do falls under that humble attitude.

It wasn't until our final night in China that we finally held a concert that reached my standards. Aside from the fact that it was held at a newly built church with excellent air conditioning and professional stage equipment, Every song, speaker, and video connected flawlessly just as we had always wanted. As Betty, Ernest, and I (the instrumentalists) concluded the night with an unrehearsed instrumental version of "How Majestic Is Your Name", many images from the trip flashed across my mind. Throughout the trip, God had brought us through some of our most difficult times as a band, and by ruining our musical success He taught us to trust in Him. While continuing to bless people in the audience, He also blessed us with a deeper understanding of what it means to perform for His glory. At last, His will and ours were united, and at our final concert He encouraged us and made it clear to us that we're on the right path. A crowd formed quickly around us, amazed like all the other people we performed for at the way God has blessed us with the gift of music. The unity of our hearts with God's that was reflected in our music was not something we could have done on our own. We have, at last, become the "clay" that our name always pointed at, and I pray that as we return home we will continue to strive for success by letting God shape us according to His plan.

on China:

When people heard that I was going on this trip, many warned me that people in China are extremely rude and that traffic conditions there are horrible. I also heard plenty of talk about the communist government in China. But I decided to put aside everything I heard, because I didn't want to have any kind of bias or preexisting expectations that may lead to disappointment. I wanted to experience it for myself, and treat the people there simply as ordinary people. By attending their churches, I witnessed their incredible attitude of faith and humility. By seeing the way they worshipped and communicating with them, I realized their hunger for the freedom found in knowing God. Of course, I definitely had my share of seeing crazy drivers, manipulative storeowners, and rude passersby. But every bit of my frustration is overshadowed by a stronger feeling of amazement.

As crazy as it may seem to some, the attitudes we saw in the people of China are simply a piece of their culture, and if they see nothing wrong with it, then we shouldn't complain either. What we consider bad driving is normal to them. Everyone, whether on foot, on a bike, or in a car, has the right of way. If there's a slow car in every lane, feel free to use the opposite direction, or create your own lane between existing ones. If that doesn't work, flash your lights or honk until everyone in front of you moves so you can pass. I was quite amused by the lack of order on the streets of China. But one thing truly amazes me - in the midst of such chaos, I saw not a single sign of anger. Everyone seemed to have a "mind your own business" attitude, with the simple intention of getting from one place to another, regardless of how others tried to achieve the same goal. People told me that in the case that a collision does happen, the two parties can almost always settle everything on their own.

While law enforcement is almost nonexistent, people in China are responsible enough to handle problems on their own. They do things with a sense of purpose, and are willing to pay the consequences involved in achieving that purpose. Whether it's driving to get to work or walking in the heat to attend church, they do so with little complaining, accepting things the way they are and making the best out of every moment.

on America:

As suddenly as I found myself on the way to China for the first time, I now find myself at the end of this journey about to return home. And to be honest, I'm not sure if I'm ready to go home. I definitely do miss sleeping in a clean bed and having sanitary restrooms to use at home and even outside. And needless to say, I can't wait to be reunited with my family and friends again. But something deep inside tells me I really wouldn't mind staying in China a bit longer.

Home is where my heart is. But also at home are my pride, my sins, and all the things that distance me from the love that God had created in me. Home is where I waste time away by sitting aimlessly in front of the computer or sleeping far more than needed. Home is where I am constantly reminded to worry about academics, finances, and everything else in life that I have to balance. Home is where I am most vulnerable to temptation.

In Chinese, the name for "America" means "beautiful country". Countless Chinese people dream that they or their descendants can permanantly stay in America, whether it's for better education, higher quality of living, or freedom from government oppression. Yet something about that "beauty" puzzles me. Having lived in America for over a decade, I'm no less familiar with the culture than people who were born there. And over the years, the attitudes and lifestyles of America have formed a dangerous trap that I thought I would never escape from.

Time in America is measured strictly by the clock, with people frantically struggling to get to places on time. Yet despite the hurry, plenty of time is wasted vegetating, and when it comes to having to get somewhere, we do our best to plan the shortest, most convenient and most efficient trip. I find it ironic that the so-called "Asian Time" that we are so familiar with (and have grown to accept as normal) is not really Chinese at all. Money in America is not a necessity for survival alone, but a necessity for proving one's status. With the money come fame, luxuries, sex, and everything else that people feel can make them happy. No wonder this "American Dream" seems appealing to so many. Everywhere we go there are things telling us what we have is not good enough, tempting and prompting us to become slaves to this culture that fuels itself but cannot fully satisfy. And to think that this is the "Land of the Free"...

American "freedom" is found through its legal system and its many regulations designed to protect us. Yet it often seems more like a battle of who can bend the most rules without being penalized. We use every excuse possible to justify speeding, and when we get pulled over we blame the police for not picking the car that was going faster than our own. When accidents happen, people fight to escape the blame and be free from responsibility. The streets clearly reflect the culture of the drivers - people desperate to get attention through fancy cars or loud music, people escaping from problems through wreckless driving, and people making every effort to shave a few seconds off the time it takes to get to their destination. And when someone or something gets in the way of either of these goals, the effected respond violently to insure that their pride is not lost.

How is it that the very laws designed to protect our freedom have resulted in people trapped in animosity, arrogance, and irresponsibility? I focus so much on the steets because they are a place where I struggle myself. In fact, I must confess to tailgating, high-beaming, and honking at least a dozen times at a pickup truck for cutting me off just hours before leaving home for the airport. The feeling of shattered pride left me with countless angry thoughts even while I was in China, and I saw no solution other than to be better equipped for revenge if such situations arise again. That's why the "mind your own business" attitude amazed me so much. Despite feeling dismayed at having to return home and face my own life once again, deep inside there is a feeling of hope. Yes, America has trapped itself in a never-ending cycle that leads to no good. But whether or not to be a part of it is my choice. God knows that I want to live a life under grace, not under law, and He brought me to China to show me that what I had once thought was impossible can in fact become reality. When I go home I expect to live a life of freedom, striving for the mere purpose of all things and turning away from the impure attitudes that interfere with it.

on Miracles:

As much as I seemed to complain about having to sit through so many sermons, I knew they had power, because thousands of people in China were willing to sacrifice their time, and even stay until the buses taking them home were no longer in service, to learn from them. During our final event in China, I decided to do my best and pay attention to the sermon, which happened to be about miracles.

Miracles are everywhere, even though few people actually notice them. In fact, sometimes people are so focused on themselves that they dismiss opportunities for God to perform miracles. One of the most difficult moments of our trip was when the possibility of a typhoon prevented us from going to a church where thousands were already gathered and waiting for us. Several of us broke out in tears, and we could not understand why God would deny us the opportunity to serve so many people and deny them the opportunity to be blessed by our ministry. That was when we realized how difficult it was to pray for God's will to be done, even if it conflicts with our own. Obedience always seems easy until we have to make a sacrifice. But only through sacrifice can we become witnesses of its outcome - a miracle.

Jesus didn't feed the five thousand until a young boy gave up the little food he had. The bleeding woman didn't receive healing until she suffered the shame of public criticism and humiliation to reach Jesus. Our willing sacrifices are the results of faith and humility, through which God performs miracles. When our team sacrificed our time, energy, money, and comfort, supported daily by people fasting and praying for us in America, God used us to do things that none of us could have done ourselves. The trip was not only a breakthrough for the churches in China, but also for each of us individually. We all learned important lessons we could only have learned this well by getting out of our American comfort zones and experiencing a new kind of culture, a new kind of faith, and a new kind of hunger for God. The way each of us came together as one for this trip, and how every step of it was intricately planned out, was clearly a miracle. If we had followed our own will and gone to the church we were kept from going to, we would have been stuck on the island indefinitely until the storm left. There are so many things that we can't explain with our own knowledge, and that's when we are forced to have faith, and believe that it's all part of God's plan. God will see our attitude and bless us beyond what we can ever ask for.

I remember back in America when ClayMusic concerts usually attracted only a few dozen people and our altar calls often resulted in the awkwardness of realizing nobody in the audience wanted to accept Christ. I jokingly told some other team members that after performing in front of thousands in China, it would be impossible to return home and have any enthusiasm for future events in America. But after some more thinking, I realized that bringing the attitude of the Chinese Christians back home with us isn't unachievable. If even our daily meals in China were the result of people fasting and praying for us at home, the surely the outcome of each of our concerts was also linked with prayer. So if the same amount of fasting and prayer is done for America on a daily basis, doesn't that mean the same revival that took place in China will take place at home too?

As I get closer and closer to reaching home, I find myself fluctuating between feeling dismay and feeling ambitious, struggling between the frustration of having to face my real life again and the eagerness to apply the things I learned to make my life more meaningful. How can I return to living in the midst of anger and pride, surrounded by temptation, and feel content with being distanced from God? How will I walk into church and see the lack of punctuality, organization, and genuineness, and not be compelled to make a difference? This mission trip has undoubtedly impacted my life in countless ways, and it is my prayer that my heart will not become calloused like it used to be. Perhaps none of us can make much of a difference on our own, but when we apply what we learned about teamwork and prayer, nothing is impossible. Whether overseas or at home, every day is a mission from God, filled with love and purpose, and if we humbly approach every step of our lives in faith, the miracles that took place in China will continue to take place no matter where we go.

09/02: i thought i was gonna save the updating til tomorrow (in keeping with the SNU tradition), but i'm in such shock that i can't help it, so i'll update now, and i'll start with a picture from the 210 freeway this morning that left me in such shock -