06/30: almost 1AM right now... its been another incredible couple days, and since i just had a little caffiene not too long ago, i probably wont be able to fall asleep if i attempt to do so now, so might as well do some writing first =). for those who were wondering, my room is looking better every day now; the big bookshelf is already moved, pretty much completing half of the room with the exception of decorations and a few more piles sitting around the floor. one corner of the room will be the 'library' with all my books, magazines, and random literature, and the other will be the 'workstation', with my computer, keyboard, and everything that goes with the desk. i'm probably gonna go dig out the old big computer desk from the garage and use it in my room, but i dont feel like going to teh garage this late at night =). and of course, i've been taking lots of pictures as i work, and i'll post them in the next few days after i make some more progress. speaking of pictures, i put together a little photo shoot downstairs on Thursday night. check it out -

06/28: sorry i haven't been updating as much as i intended to. those of you who talked to me anytime this week probably know at least one of the two main things i've been working on since i came back from Catalina. first, i'm still trying to find a job, and its harder than i expected. but thats a good thing... i'm totally trusting God for this one, and i know He' s gonna do something great this summer in terms of my job, whatever it may be. but i'll save the details on that for another entry. the second thing i've been working on is my room - remember back in the day when i would do some kind of renovation project every year around this time? after going to college, i really haven't had time for it, and so my stuff simply began to gather around the corners and grow from there, leaving me less and less room to walk. meanwhile i shifted my focus to decorating my dorm room instead. but now that dorm life is over for me, i need something else to work on, so i decided to start a big remodeling project in my room at home.

the last major room renovation i did was, believe it or not, summer of 2002(!!!). that's when i took off the old bunk bed, moved all my furniture around, got a new bookshelf, and topped everything off with a brand new stereo. it's been five years already, and as much as i loved my room the way it was, it simply doesn't serve my needs anymore, namely my new needs as a music major. with the addition of a keyboard and amp, the room suddenly feels so crowded, and the keyboard is located way too far from my desk for me to do any music work as efficiently as i did at school. that was what sparked the idea of this project. for those who have seen my dorm room at school, be prepared for a big surprise, cuz this is definitely not what you would expect from me...

06/25: my last Summer Conference at Catalina. arriving after a frenzy of activities revolving around finals week and graduation, with many emotions resulting from leaving the dorms, 'graduating' even though i'm going back for another quarter, and realizing that the IV community couldn't (or didn't) help my simple need of a place to lay my sleeping bag for one night, i settled with the attitude of 'simply going to another retreat at Catalina'. i've been there many times before, and already knew all the beaches and trails by heart. its natural beauty still amazes me, but i didn't expect anything more than exactly what i've always expected from being at Campus by the Sea. as the week unfolded itself before me, i realized things this year were quite different than what I had expected, specifically in the area of how i interacted with the people around me. much of this realization was because i'm a senior, and in Senior Seminar we focused a lot on how things will look after college - something i haven't really thought much about. if i had to sum up the things i learned in two words, they would be joy and community. it can take hours for me to go through all the details, so i'll let a few of my journal entries from the island speak for me first -

WEDNESDAY'S JOURNAL- It's not everyday I get to sit quietly by the ocean and write down my feelings without anyone or anything interrupting me. I think everyone needs times like this to reflect and be real with ourselves, and it's especially helpful when contrasted with the socially flourishing atmosphere of dorm life. On Monday, Senior Seminar observed an afternoon of silence (just like we did at Prayer Seminar last year), and I realized it's mch harder for me to shut my mouth now than it was a year ago. I guess that's a good thing, since I still consider myself too much on the quiet side in certain situations. Normally when I'm with IV people, I end up retreating somewhere by myself, unable to fit in. Yesterday I had some time to think about this and share with my small group (Doris & Brianna). Most people in IV tend to prefer large group activities when it comes to hanging out, and meet people who want to join the activities. I'm pretty much the opposite - I'd much rather take a walk or sit down and talk than play a game or sport, and when the group gets large i tend to feel afraid and back myself out. Its partly because I'm so disconnected from popular culture that I simply have no part in most large group conversations. Also, one of my biggest weaknesses is that I'm afraid to initiate, and I don't really talk to people unless I know they want to talk to me. That's why even after four years I still have trouble seeing myself in the IV community. I've made several friends through this fellowship, but sometimes I feel like I expect them to spend too much time with me when they simply want to participate in the community like everyone else, and at the end I feel hurt even though it isn't anybody's fault.

Time after time, I find myself wandering down the beach or going on long hikes by myself, simply enjoying God's incredible creation. Through the past few days I've built up a pretty large collection of seashells, and each time I look at them I'm reminded of God's beauty. Right now Senior Seminar is spending over an hour learning the discipline of gratitude by writing letters to people who have had a great influence on our lives in college. It's a difficult task for me, since I find it hard to pinpoint specific individuals that really had an impart on me. after all these years, most people still know me only as "a great pianist", and their compliments don't mean much to me anymore. what I really need is someone to see past what I do and know me for who I am. people who really know me tend to be people outside of IV - I'm not sure why, but it seems like a lot of nonbelievers know my personal spiritual life a lot better than my Christian friends do. I'm open to talk about anything, as long as people want to know about what I have to say. and it seems impossible for me to share my heart with the IV community without miraculously finding a way to merge into their shallow side first.

so I find myself writing this instead of the letters that everyone else is writing. I guess this can be considered a letter of gratitude to God. everytime I quietly walk away from the pain of social rejection, I find myself admiring God's creation in a way many people don't understand. sometimes I ask God why He seems ok with me feeling so socially out of place among a community of believers, and I'm starting to understand why. very often my goal in making friends is to receive praise from them, drawing attention to myself. Even though I always thank God for my friends, in the end I take all the glory for myself, and selfishly expect even more from them. It's only during times of loneliness that I'm truly humble. These are the times when I can feel close to my own heart and worship God without caring about what others think, since nobody is around me. and even after so many retreats at Catalina, times like this still leave me in amazement.

so I guess I need to learn to have faith and be humble. when God knows I'm ready to advance socially, I'm sure He'll make it happen. and in the times when I'm alone, I should be more thankful for what I have around me rather than complain about what I don't have. It's starting to hit me that these next few days are the last that I'll get to spend with the other IV seniors as a class. I'm still not sure what this community will mean to me after I graduate, but I know God does everything for a reason, and so I"ll simply pray that His will be done.

THURSDAY'S JOURNAL - Today we studied the discipline of Celebration, enjoying every moment knowing God created it and letting Him make our joy complete. Joy is something that can be practiced - some people are good at it, and others have more to learn. This shocked me, because I realized that even though many people consider me an extremely cheerful person and even admire me for it at times, deep inside there are many things that prevent me from experiencing God's joy at its fullest. some of the things I've tried to deal with, but eventually gave up. others are so deep inside that I may not even be aware of them now. but I know something's definitely bothering me, and it contributes to the negative attitude I have towards so many things.

from the very first day of Senior Seminar, I found myself extremely frustrated at how rude our class could be at times. some people simply don't know how to shut up to let others do their readings, and I immediately sided with the teachers, giving them my attention when it is called for and not laughing along with everyone else. In a way I guess it's good to be so disciplined and so focused on being respectful to others, but I feel so legalistic and serious at times that I know something's wrong. It seems like I'm unable to laugh even when I want to. there are many people in my life that can make me laugh easily - namely those who I feel comfortable with. whatever they say, I can probably pick out a good reason to laugh at it. perhaps it's because I see these people in environments where I don't have to worry about violating my disciplinary nature. but once I get pushed to my serious side (which is becoming more and more often), it's nearly impossible to transition back without me literally leaving the environment (people or place) behind and starting all over. I often feel like I'm a bit schitzophrenic in this sense, and reading the articles about the discipline of joy made me ask myself this question for the first time - am I a joyful person or not?

there are many reasons why I am, mostly revolving around the fact that the discipline of joy is often based on appreciation of simple things. i'm the kind of person who can walk around and find ways to enjoy my surroundings, and when it comes to receiving presents, small handmade things please me just as much as expensive products. sometimes when i'm depressed, it only takes a second to flip my mood around. disciplines described in the articles such as fasting television are extremely easy for me. i don't let popular culture define what should or shouldn't bring me joy, and as a result my joy is more pure and real than many people's.

there are also many reasons why I'm not all that joyful. i learned from the article that contrary to popular belief, true joy and service go hand in hand. i often serve with the mentality that i'm serving rather than enjoying it and allowing the service to produce joy in me. also, the discipline of joy involves being carefree - not in the negative sense of not caring about anything, but more in the sense that by not caring so much about everything, it is a sign of trust in God to take care of it. this is something i definitely have trouble with - i'm one of those people who makes sure every little detail is done my way, and its nearly impossible for me to be carefree.

...so I guess I can consider myself partially joyful - the joy manifests myself very often, but at the same time is never complete because of the things preventing me from letting God complete it. these include my personal struggles with "addictive" anger, lust, bitterness, and much more. my prayer is that God will bring all these issues to the surface so I can no longer hide and will be forced to deal with them. in times like this when I'm alone and surrounded by God's glory, my heart cries out to Him, telling Him that it longs for its joy to be complete, knowing whatever tedious process it may take to reach that completion - dealing with the past, changing my habits, asking for accoutability, etc - will be worth it.

after spending some time letting my heart talk to God while walking along the beach, it was time for dinner. I walked up to the dining area with the other seniors, only to discover that there were just enough people to fill two tables without me. I looked around at all the other tables and realized I really didn't know many people here at all. and it would be strange for me to just sit down with random people, since everyone who knows me already assume I don't want to spend time with them, or simply am too different to fit in. so I grabbed some food and left. after finishing my food quickly, I passed the dining area again on my way down to the beach. one person said hi and commented that I ate very fast, unaware of the fact that all I had was an apple and a cup of teafee. I smiled and nodded at her. then I was alone again, on my way to meet with God at the beach.

my heart cried to Him again, this time with a little more bitterness than before dinner. I'm not sure whether I should accept the fact that I'm an outcast and believe it's God's intention, or strive for something better, believing that He has more in store for me. I've tried so many times to break these chains, but each time I do it hurts me more. the same is true with my struggles with anger and lust. but while these are clearly sins and need to be corrected, loneliness is a much more ambiguous struggle, and I'm not sure what to make of it.

I walked to the far edge of the rocky shore of the camp where nobody can hear me and almost nobody can see me, and told God that I've never been so close to giving up on being part of this community, and on much of my social life in general. this idea of giving up can be extremely dangerous, as demonstrated by countless depressed young adults who look for love in the wrong places, and I'm glad I'm strong enough to be sure that giving up is definitely not worth it. every once in a while there comes a moment when I"m with people who mean the world to me, and who see me as a crucial part of their life as well. sometimes this happens with my family, and sometimes it happens with my closest friends. still other times it happens with people I've just met who were still unaware of my awkward self and gave me the attention an ordinary person would get. these moments also happen when I'm with God and allow Him to comfort me in an otherwise lonely place. for moments like these, all the suffering I go through becomes worthwhile. my heart has found a home, and can rest well and rejoice and be rejuvinated to continue fighting. in moments like these, my joy overflows, and it amazes me to think that if my joy can be so sufficient even when I'm carrying the burden of so many unresolved issues in my life, how much greater will it be if I allow God to make my joy complete? God, I pray the same prayer again - let Your will be done!

(End of Journals)

The idea of joy, as we studied every morning in the book of Philippians, seems to encompass many other things, including community. these journal entries may seem a bit more depressing than they were intended to be - i definitely made some great memories with people throughout the week, much of it involving late-night adventures with the "L" crew. (and yes, we did have a feast, for those who know what i mean =) ). sometimes when i felt like there was nothing to do during free time (i completed the "loop hike" by myself on the first afternoon, and that pretty much covers all the hiking there is to do short of going to Avalon), i go to the main desk to speak the language i'm most fluent in - music. a few years ago the camp bought a Triton, and being the music freak that i am, i went to Catalina with an extra damper pedal in my luggage, which actually came to use at the end since the one they had didn't work. the music stirred up several conversations, but i tried to make sure i focused on the fact that i was playing music simply because i wanted to, not because i want to talk to people and draw more attention to myself.

on Thursday night, I went to light the bonfire immediately after our session ended, knowing people would eventually find their way there and sit with me. much of what made this year's summer conference seem so different was that at night people either went to sleep early or gathered in huge groups to play games in the dining room. very few people took advantage of the opportunity to sit next to the bonfire or lie down on the beach at night and watch the stars. even the number of people who slept on the dock decreased significantly - on some nights i could probably count the number of guys on the dock with one hand. (there were a lot more girls, but still not as many as previous years). someone had built a nice pile of wood in the fire pit earlier in the week, and for days it had sat there untouched. i decided it was time to light it on fire, so people could see the flames and migrate down and join me. eventually people came, and it turned out they were almost all seniors. in fact, almost the entire senior class ended up by the fire, and i felt perfectly at home among them. as the oldest class at the camp, we talked about why it seemed like the different classes weren't bonding at all this year. much of the blame goes to the fact that both the seniors (senior seminar) and juniors (prayer seminar) had our day of silence on the first day, and couldn't talk to anyone. by the time we could speak, everyone had already settled within their own studies, and as a result almost all the activities during free time ended up being unintentionally study- or class-specific. i guess this problem impacted me a bit more than most of the others, since most of my closer friends in IV are not in the same year as me. and most of the people i was most comfortable with actually couldn't even come to Catalina this time. but even though some people may have assumed otherwise, i love the senior class, and i've always wanted to spend more time with them. the only problem was that almost all their activities during hte schoolyear were either during weekends or really late at night, neither of which i'm around for. and while most seniors had a relaxing spring quarter, my spring quarter was the peak of my college career, with multiple projects due as well as my senior recital, leaving me no time to participate in preparing for Senior Catalyst while everyone else did. so at the end many people assumed i didn't want to be part of the group. that misunderstanding, along with my fear of initiation to break previously established false images of myself, contributed to why i felt like such an outcast much of the week.

that bonfire on Thursday night was what turned things around. all the seniors sat around sharing memories and funny stories, and some of the stories even involved me. with the help of a few individuals among us who were constantly reminding us to keep our voices down to avoid bothering the staff who were already asleep in cabins near our fire, i didn't have to put up my disciplinary guard. i simply sat there among them and had fun, laughing along with our stories and enjoying a great night together with the class i've always wanted to become closer with.

on Friday, we put the discipline of celebration to practice after having studied it the previous day. our afternoon session kicked off with a party filled with food and games designed to make us laugh. i can't remember ever laughing so much and so hard with the senior class, and for the first time since we arrived on the island, i found myself sitting in our study room completely enjoying myself, without any worries. i experienced what it was like to be 'carefree', just like i wanted in Thursday's journal. for the first time, my spirit was united with everyone else's, creating a crucial part of the community that Paul described in Phillipians. we enjoyed our last dinner together, followed by a night session involving even more games and laughter. that was our last time meeting as a study, and after having learned so much about joy and community, God gave me a glimpse of what it's like in reality.

The next morning, everything came to a close. we all got in groups to help clean up the campsite, then had a little time to wander around and take some pictures before the boat arrived to take us home. in a sense, i'm still the same old me; i still sat at a bench by myself, occasionally talking to people, perhaps talking a bit more than usual simply because everyone seems more talkative when it's time to say goodbye. each class took a group picture, then we got on the boat and headed back to the mainland. i sat quietly for the most part, occasionally catching a couple photos with other seniors. as far as i could see, this was the end of our time together as the senior class. as for what this community will mean to me from now on, only time can tell. a few of us are staying for another quarter or year, so we'll still see each other around. some of us might even hang out this summer. but my wish is that every one of you will always be open to receive me, because i will always be open to receive you. for now, all i can say is that i'll definitely miss you all, and i wish you the best in your futures and hope to meet again someday.

06/24: i obviously haven't been home much this past month, first because of finals/concerts/graduation then Catalina. each time i come back home, i see a surprise at the front door. about a month ago i posted pics of a bird nest on a small tree a few feet outside the door (5/29 entry), and every time i come home it's different. here's a few pics to tell the story-

06/23: just got back from a week of islander life =). this year's trip to Catalina was um... quite different. of course it was amazingly beautiful and fun, but going there as a senior brought up many new issues, mostly revolving around what the IV community means to us after we graduate. every morning we did an inductive study of Phillipians, a letter Paul wrote to the Phillipians (not Phillipinos!! hahahaha gosh!) encouraging joy and unity to build community. i learned a lot about my role in IV - some good and some bad - and also about some issues i have to deal with in my own life. most of these things were captured in the journal entries i wrote during times of reflection this past week, which i will post along with more details about Summercon. but for now, i'm insanely tired and don't exactly have the mental capacity to think and write, so i'll save that for another entry. for now i just wanted to say that i'm back home for those who care. i'm pretty sure i'll be alive enough to go to church tomorrow, and hopefully i'll begin job-hunting for the summer too. i think i'll just sit around and relax tonight until its time to sleep, and maybe also clean my room a bit. right now it looks like a garbage dump with the randomest things ever - stuff from Hedrick i didn't finish unpacking yet - decorations, stationery, boxes... stuff from Catalina just sitting around waiting to be unpacked - dirty laundry, seashells, and more. remains of my dinner (Lollicup =). thanks Mom! ), and so much more crap i have to clean. i'm thinking about remodeling my room this summer, but for now i want it to be at least clean enough so i can make my neat-freak self feel comfortable. in fact, i'll get started on cleaning right now...

06/16: me again. i totally should be packing right now, but i just feel like taking another break, since lots of the stuff i need to pack is still in the laundry, and i tend to pack more efficiently when i can do everything at once and get it over with. i want to apologize to the people who have tried to reach me this past week and found it impossibly hard to do so... as i've explained already, i've been taking advantage of every minute i had to say bye to everyone in the dorms, and it's extremely hard to throw that aside when every moment i have to talk to someone in person might be the last time i see them until next year. i have a bunch of emails and phone calls to return, but that's not gonna happen until i get back from Catalina - unless you want me to call at 7AM when i wake up tomorrow =).

i sent out an email to the IV list earlier this week asking if anyone had a place for me to stay near UCLA tonight so i didnt need to find a ride back there tomorrow. Zero people responded. after four years in a community of over a hundred people, not a single one can let me lay my sleeping bag in a living room for one night? hehe ok fine so its probably not as bas as it sounds, since im sure everyones busy with end-of-the-schoolyear stuff. and to be honest, i'd probably be the kind of person who disregards the email and assumes someone else will take care of it. but still, as a music major i better be prepared for stuff like this to happen someday.

i pretty much decided i wasn't gonna go to Catalina anymore until i finally confimred a ride with Andrew earlier tonight. but that means i'll be leaving home at 8AM. not a problem at all for me, since i'll probably ask him to drop me off somewhere near Sunset Blvd and catch some exotics on their way to Concours on Rodeo (sorry i can't go to the Concours... all you CP's that are going better show me some great pics when i come back! =) ).

so anyways, for those who didn't know yet, i'll be gone to Catalina for a retreat starting tomorrow, and won't be back until the following Saturday afternoon. this week will consist of some awesome beachfront recreational activities, along with Senior Seminar, hanging out with the IV Community, and sleeping on the dock. yep yep, its that time of the year again when i get to spend a whole week sleeping under the stars and above the ocean. i'm pretty sure its not my last time at Catalina, since i'll probably still go to FallCon next year. but nothing can compare to spending a nice summer night in a state of freedom i can't find anywhere else. and again for those who dont know, a 'retreat' for me means literally retreating from my world - in other words, no internet access, no cell phones, etc... feel free to leave me voicemail or emails, but i won't answer them until i get back. and as for what i'm gonna do over the summer, i still have no idea... but i'll figure it out after i return. i'm sure this conference will give me a fresh boost into making my summer a productive one.

ok, i guess i should shut up and go back to packing. good bye everyone, see you all in a week! and for those who will also be at Catalina, see you tomorrow! =)

06/16: so um... apparently i "graduated" today. went to UCLA again, did the whole cap n gown thing and followed the ceremony. it was a pretty strange feeling... first of all, finals week usually means i don't get much sleep, and last night i finally got a good dozen hours of rest... but still i feel a bit lightheaded, so everything seems pretty surreal. i guess the only thing that really made me sad was the fact that there's a lot of people i see regularly in the music building that i won't be seeing anymore. but to be honest, i'm not exactly close enough to them that it would make me want to cry. i wish i was though, except i've come to accept the fact that i'm a socially awkward person and must learn to deal with it. every new environment for me is like a coin toss - i either make it or i dont. in the places that i succeed in presenting myself as a socialable person, i never fail to find company for myself. but in those that i dont, the idea of breaking out of my awkward bubble and changing how others see me still overwhelms me. i'm getting better at it, but its still far from what it needs to be. in the music building i'm usually on the quieter side, wishing people would notice me more, but knowing very well that they've already given me a try and concluded that its useless talking to me unless i know how to talk back. much of the reason i dont talk back is cuz i simply don't do things the way most of them do - namely the stereotypical wild behavior associated with college students - and it makes my sense of humor extremely different from theirs. of course, there are others that are like me, and those are the ones i most regret not leaving a good impression for. maybe one day things will be better... after all, i still have one more quarter left.

so i guess flipping my tassel to the left side was sort of a lie, cuz i technically didn't graduate yet. my mom's the only person who thinks i must believe that i actually graduated since i participated in the ceremony. i refuse to do so because it will make me lose focus during my last quarter and result in me not making the most out of my last quarter of UCLA education. in a sense, leaving the dorms is already sort of like a graduation for me, and in that sense i already graduated. but a part of me knows i'm gonna be back after summer, and i won't let that go until i actually reach the end.

anyways, i just got back from dinner with Mom and Carol at Santa Monica and i'm taking a little break to write before starting to pack for Catalina. this week felt impossibly long when it comes to how many things i did, but at the same time everything happened so quickly... first i'm at school studying for finals, then i'm saying bye and moving out of Hedrick, then suddenly i'm home, and now i graduated. and tomorrow morning i'm gone again. what da heck... i guess that kinda explains why i'm so lightheaded.

this is my first entry after moving back home, and probably my last entry until a week later when i come back from Summercon - unless i find time later tonight to write again. so let me sum up my last few days in Hedrick. Wednesday night - helped Elizabeth move stuff out with Mariko. went to visit 5 South and sat in the halls talking with Michelle Jeff and Hatuyen. i love 5 South cuz theres always people sitting in the halls socializing (without being under influence of alcohol or other substances). met with Elizabeth and Mariko again at Bruin Cafe for some ice blends =). went back to chill in Elizabeth's room, then went to 5S again to join Hatuyen as she studied while letting my caffiene (from the ice blend) wear out so i could go to sleep.

Thursday - breakfast with Michelle and Christine - i got up early just cuz i had extra swipes to use up, but luckily i didn't have to eat alone =). walked back to Hedrick, packed a little, got a smoothy. talked with Jeff(Liang) outside Rieber. ran into Elizabeth and Mariko at Bruin Cafe - again! hehe... lunched with Sue @ DeNeve, then went to pick up my cap n gown at Ackerman. more packing, took apart the futon with Richard. went to SMB to watch Professor Bull's organ class 'recital'. gosh i miss that class soo much... i'm definitely taking it next year =). walked back with Elizabeth, got smoothies =). dinnered with Lisa Richard Doris Jason and Hannah - basically all the Hedrick seniors plus Lisa. hehe... continued dinner with Elizabeth Letty Jessica Jessica and Calvin - yes, another Calvin! i like his name =). packed some more, went to 5South again n took random pics in graduation attire with Hannah Doris Jason Michelle and Janelle. went back to 5 North, unbunked my bed, and did a lot more packing. suddenly the room looked just like it did last year. *sigh* so many good memories. Elizabeth came to visit, and Lisa came over with five pizzas =). too bad most of them ended up sitting out in the lounge cuz nobody was around to eat them. spent the night sitting around packing while talking to occasional visitors, then went to 5S to say bye to Michelle (it was 1AM and i knew she was awake cuz she was online). made one last trip around 5N and 5S to say goodnight.

Friday - breakfast with Michelle and Christine again. its so awesome that they actually wake up early on finals week =). finished packing, used up my last two swipes on smoothies. stood in the hallway watching people move out, until my mom called. took a picture with Elizabeth and Jimmy. Elizabeth helped me get a second cart and push it, meaning i was able to move out in one trip. (thanks soo much! =) ). said bye one last time, then hopped in the car to head home. lunched with mom n Carol @ Banana Bay. spent the rest of the day unpacking, chilling, and making something... but that's a secret =). ask me if you want to know, but chances are by the time you see this, i'll already be on my way to Catalina. for now, i'll go do some packing. bye!

06/14: Thursday night, 2AM, sharing a few last words from Hedrick before going to sleep in my bed which is - for the first time since i moved in to 5-North - no longer bunked and is now sitting where the big futon used to be. the walls are bare; all the pictures gone, the familiar colors of my decorations now stripped down to an empty brown tackboard. i decided to finish packing tonight so that tomorrow morning i can relax and not have to worry about rushing to pack. most of the other rooms on the floor look just about as bare as mine - that is, the rooms whose occupants are still here. the hallways are ornamented with bits and pieces of unwanted belongings left by those who either already left or are about to leave. from outside the window, the echoes of carts filled with roomfuls of possessions bounce constantly from wall to wall. this strange atmosphere isn't anything new to me, but there's definitely something different about it this time. tonight is not only my last night on 5-North, but my last night ever living in the dorms. thinking back to the time when i first moved in to Rieber as a freshman, i had no idea that i would eventually embrace the advantages of dorm life for four whole schoolyears. and as impossible as it seems, these four years have come to an end. since i'm quite low on sleep right now, i think it would be better if i save the longer reflective entries about dorm life for another day. but for now, all i can say is that i can't believe it's over, and i will definitely miss being here. throughout the night i had found it difficult to hold back my tears, especially as i tore down the pictures on my wall for the last time. but deep inside i know that God has done some amazing things that transformed my life in these past four years, making these years among the bestin my life so far. i'm thankful beyond words at having learned so much from living in the dorms, and as much as i wish i can stay here forever, i know i have to move on. i must remember that in the same way God led me through these past four years, He will continue to guide me in the next chapter of my life, whatever it may be about. and even though there are countless things in my life now that i will never have again, i know the things i learned from this experience will be a part of me forever.

06/13: lots of people have been asking me how my final (for history) went. i think the real question isn't "how was it?", but rather "how IS it?"... and as far as i know, its DONE and thats all that matters =). hehe... so it actually went quite well, and i hope thats how my grade turns out too. for me every exam is like a little adventure of its own - countless battles against my lack of desire to study, feeling the anticipation of the exam, and finally taking it and getting it over with. by the time the test starts, i'm totally relaxed knowing i've already done my part in studying, and all thats left is to write down what i know. and special thanks to my awesome friend Wikipedia, i actually know quite a lot =).

soo about finals week so far... Tuesday - woke up, got an iceblend, studied, lunched with Anny and Tammy, then went to Lefko's class. i intentionally scheduled a "study group" at 3 to make sure i could get out of class on time, knowing i had plenty to study for. so what's this "study group"? meeting Christine at the Sculpture Garden to study. we both had stuff to study and intended to spend the time well, so it actually is a study group =). and knowing how much i hate to study alone, i got a LOT done at the garden. walked back to the dorm area just in time for dinner with Dianne - we had our "teatime" during dinner too =). went to get a smoothy at Bruin Cafe and ran into Joyce then saw Michelle n Jessica studying there... so i walked back with Joyce, grabbed my stuff, and joined Michelle n Jessica to study. then Elizabeth called to invite me to join her and Mariko at Mr. Noodle. so off i went =). returned to Bruin Cafe later with some fried rice and two Thai iced Teas in my stomach. usually one Thai Iced Tea is enough to keep me up for several hours, but they offered to refill and i couldn't resist. and yes, i did a lot of studying there too while talking with Elizabeth and Mariko, so it wasn't exactly unproductive =). did a lot more studying/cramming with Michelle and Jessica, took a break to Covel to print stuff for Christine (thanks for helping me use up the extra print money =) ), then studied some more, then came back to Hedrick for a little more research. it was already almost 2AM, but i didn't want to risk lying down and realizing there's way too much caffiene in my body to fall asleep, so i played it safe. and i did fall asleep right away.

today - had breakfast with Michelle and Christine. got a smoothy, then spent the morning doing last-minute cramming before the final. went to clean out my locker afterwards and saw this in the hallway-

06/11: this is what finals week is all about...

06/10: Sunday night - taking a little break from an eventful day before transitioning to a little homework. had breakfast w/ Jane at 10:30, then came back n chilled for a bit before the big hunting trip. i left Hedrick at a bit past noon - the weather was about as perfect as it could be - sunny but not too hot, with just enough wind to keep me comfortable. as for the cars, there wasn't anything really life-changing, but then again i think it's cuz i've been way too spoiled by the last few trips. about a year ago, a typical Golden Triangle trip would give me about 60-70 shots and i would be plenty satisfied. when this schoolyear started it moved up to around 80-90, and now i'm not content until around 110-120 shots. it really wasn't all that bad though... the highlight of today's trip would probably be the "Gumball" SLR, a green 997 GT3 RS, a Maybach 57S, a special edition Elise Sport, and a classic coachbuilt Bentley (model to be determined after research). i was in the middle of shooting an Elise when i saw Kevin standing at the corner. this guy has two finals tomorrow and decided to drive to Rodeo Drive and study in his car. needless to say, by the end of the afternoon he got no studying done at all. i spent much of the time sitting in the passenger seat with him, ready to jump out at the sight/sound of anything worth shooting. afterwards Kevin took me for a drive around West Hollywood - that's when we encountered the SLR at Coffee Bean =). then he gave me a ride back to UCLA (thanks!). i made it back just in time to meet up with Peggy for Food for Finals - the line was insanely long today, but it was still worth it. free food is always worth it right? =). had dinner with Sophia at DeNeve... we ate for like an hour and a half. it was probably my fault cuz i always eat too slow... and now i'm back in my room taking a final breath of fresh air before diving into working on my string trio. apparently Lefko wants to have class on Tuesday... i don't feel like going, but then again i know i won't be studying the whole day for Wednesday's final anyways, so might as well give myself something productive to do.

one last thing before i start on homework - remember yesterday's little adventures on Sunset Blvd? i didn't get a chance to describe it yet, but i don't wanna keep you guys waiting any longer. lets start with a Carrera GT about 30 seconds after i arrived. add in a pretty good number of "typical" exotics - Continental GTC, 997 GT3, 360 Spider, plus a rare classic Aston Martin V8 Volante - and i found myself thinking that maybe i'll encounter a few Lamborghinis. a few minutes later, this is what i saw...

06/09: Saturday night - the end of an awesome weekend, and also my last weekend in the dorms =(. so much happened these past few days - music, friends, cars, etc... basically everything UCLA is all about to me. Friday - breakfast with Jane. practiced piano one last time before the jury and went to class. oh by the way, i finally got the CD for my recital, so if anyone wants to hear it let me know =). lunched with Tammy - our last Friday lunch! and sure enough they had onion rings =). Tammy came over for some shaved ice, and since it was just us we had half a mango left that was already cut open and had to be used up. so i started recruiting people and ended up bringing the whole factory down to Courtside to make shaved ice with Christine. we ended up hanging out for the whole afternoon, first in the Courtside lounge then up the hill to Rieber/Hedrick. the piano rooms didn't open until 5 so we walked around n talked until then. then we went to the keyboard room n played Canon in D =). very fun piece... and i know it quite well now after teaching it for a whole year. dinnered with Jane, then walked down together to the chorale rehearsal. its always amazing hearing our music combined with the orchestra for the first time. walked back w/ Becca afterwards. talked with Elizabeth who has been so busy i can't even imagine how i would survive in her situation. but its always nice to take a break and relax =). at around 12:45 (in the morning) Christine decided to invite me to go get coffee at Bruin Cafe. i'm pretty sure i'm not always this nice, but with the whole im-almost-graduating-and-wont-ever-live-in-the-dorms-again mentality consuming me more and more each day, i couldn't reject the offer. so after a quick shower (yes, i actually did shower! *ahem* hehe) i went with Christine to Bruin Cafe, and sat outside talking. then it was getting cold so we moved to Covel. its amazing how much we have to talk about - life, God, college, etc... not many people see beyond my cheerful personality and realize that i spend a lot of time thinking deeply, everytime i get a chance to sit down and just talk like this, i wish i could pause time and just sit there forever. but unfortunately it was about 3:30AM(!!!) and i kind of had a piano jury and chorale concert today. and i'm pretty sure she had some studying to do too...

Today - got to "sleep in" until 9:30... i guess 5-6 hours of sleep isn't THAT bad. i'm just not used to it... but i survived the day just fine. had brunch w/ Jeff and Jane, then went to chorale rehearsal. apparently they decided to do the chamber piece first, meaning everyone else sat outside for 45 minutes doing nothing. i used the time for a quick nap =). doing the chamber piece first also means that we ended a lot later than planned, so i actually ditched a little early to get to my jury. but i already told Neuen before, so im pretty sure i wont get in trouble =). i had about 10 minutes before the jury, during which i found the nearest acceptable piano and warmed up. the actual jury went um... pretty well. nothing amazingly good, but not bad either. i guess that's the way its always been with me and piano at UCLA. i'm still not sure what God is trying to tell me with this, but i hope to find out soon. came back to my room for a quick break... it was Saturday afternoon and i wasn't doing anything until evening, so of course i decided to go to the West Gate. (Beverly Hills was too far and i didn't wanna spend too much energy going to Westwood or the East Gate). but lets just say within half an hour i was already thankful that i chose Sunset Blvd over Beverly Hills. more details on that later if i have time. dinnered with Lisa Tammy and Jane, then got dressed and went to the chorale concert.

the concert went quite well, and Chihara's piece was incredible. i felt extremely honored to be able to say that i'm his student. it's awesome how he keeps telling me he applied a lot of the stuff we studied in class to his piece. and its even more awesome that he went on stage after the concert in a T-shirt with a cat on it. (MagnifiCat? hehe). normally after standing on stage sweating and singing for a whole concert, it feels great to be done. thats how i felt at first when the concert ended and we all stood up as the audience applauded. i kept that same smile on my face that appears after every performance... until one thought suddenly struck me. i had just finished my last chorale performance. from the initial shock of having to sing in a choir for the first time two years a go to spending a year with the University Chorus to miraculously being accepted to the Chorale and enjoying a year of great music and memories... and suddenly it's all over. i still claim that i can't sing, and its true to the extent that i have very little control over my voice and really don't' know what i'm doing. but theres something about the sound of a choir that just amazes me and makes me enjoy being part of it. vocal music is as 'human' as music can get, and it requires a level of expression not found in instrumental music... and even though i'm one of those people who haven't completely learned to appreciate classical operatic singing, i definitely love every piece i've sung in the past two years. and the Magnificat was the perfect way to end these two years, singing words of praise to God. to many people it's simply a performance, but i always remind myself that singing in chorale can be a way to worship God too, especially with words like these. it was God who brought me into the UCLA choral program in the first place, and only He knows if i'll ever be in a group like this again. but for now, this story has reached its happy ending, and i'll definitely miss it a lot.

anyways, i realized that since i slept so late last night, its probably smart to sleep a bit earlier tonight to make up for it. i guess i'll save the car stuff for another entry (sorry!). but don't worry, its gonna be worth the wait. oh and in case anyone was wondering, i'm NOT going to Supercar Sunday tomorrow (since apparently its gonna be a small show so nobodys going and i wont have a ride), but instead i'll be in Beverly Hills for my last large-scale hunting trip of the schoolyear. if anyone wants to join, just give me a call and we can meet there. not going to Supercar also means i'll have much more time to sleep and renew my energy level, and that's gonna help me a lot, cuz i'll eventually need to start studying too =). but for now, its time to sleep. goodnight!

06/07: Thursday night. the video game essay is finally finished as of 5 minutes ago. now all i need to do is go to Covel and print it. but before that, let me write about my week. it's been an amazing week so far - very productive, very eventful, just the way i wanted it to be =). Tuesday - breakfast with Irina. practiced piano, talked with Elizabeth in the hallway, went to classes. picked up my BruinLife yearbook on the way back - i havent looked at it yet, but its friggin huge. Tammy came to visit in the afternoon and we had dinner with Anny before going to Catalyst. and yes, it's week 10, which means we had Senior Catalyst. i have plenty to say about why i didn't really participate like many people thought i would since i'm a senior... but i'll save that for another entry. walked back with Tammy, got Crossroads on the way - Cheese Fries, just like last year! =). and its like my second time at Crossroads this whole schoolyear. but i have plenty of swipes left, so i guess i can go anytime i want. came back to my room, worked on essay for the rest of the night. Wednesday - breakfast with Josh, Tracy, and Tracy's friend (we never introduced ourselves... its too early in the morning hehe). practiced piano on the Boston! i haven't used that piano in so long cuz i assume its always taken, but apparently it was free. and it feels soo much more simliar to the studio pianos. came back to work on essay, then had lunch @ Deneve with Serena. she's been at UCLA for two years and its our first time ever eating together. isn't that sad? but at least we got to eat =). she had to go to class, and i stayed to continue eating with Michelle. came back for more essaying, then went to chorale. ran into Victoria n Jenny outside Puzzles n sat there talking for a while. dinnered with Sue Stacy Karifa Olive and Ashley. Today - very strange morning... apparently my alarm didn't go off so i woke up at a bit past 9... went to catch breakfast at Deneve, and luckily found Tiffany to join me. i found out that she's Tim Yen (from Troy)'s sister. how cool is that? went to practice (on the Boston again =) ), had classes, then did more essaying. met with Victoria to get Pinkberry =). dinnered with Jolene Lauren Tina Alex Derrick Paul Kevin and um.... a million more people. yea, it was a huge group of people i didn't even know. i was never a fan of huge dinners, especially around this time when i'm more focused on trying to say bye to people than meeting new people. but still, it was pretty awesome. came back n talked on the phone with Mike (its his birthday!). and now its time for me to shut up and go print that essay. bye!

06/05: another history class update. other than my string trio and video game essay, there really isn't anything academic-related to do this week, and i'm glad i've been spending my time very well. Sunday night i came back to school and worked on my essay while chatting online... at around 11:30 at night Christine told me she had to empty her Microfridge and needed to get rid of a bunch of hot dogs. so i ended up going to visit her, and we talked until like 2:30AM. and i ate FIVE hot dogs. but it was worth it... how much longer will i get to enjoy dorm social life like this? *sigh* i'm not ready to leave...

Monday- breakfast with Steph(Liu) Josh and Jane. somehow i actually managed to wake up early enough. i guess i'm just used to the daily routine. and yes, i was actually hungry =). went to practice piano, then came back n researched on Final Fantasy for the whole morning. gosh i love this essay. went to class, then did more essaying. then it was time for a very special dinner to celebrate Mariko's birthday! a bunch of us met @ Covel then went to the Bruin Bear to wait for Elizabeth. i finally learned the secret of how to climb up on top of the bear - something i've wanted to do for the past four years. we took a million pics at the bear, then went down to Olive Garden for the big dinner that lasted til like 10:30. that left me quite full for the rest of the night... i decided to go to sleep pretty early. but then again, if Christine wanted to give me more midnight hot dogs i might have still accepted her offer =).

ok class is almost over so i'll wrap this entry up. one last thing - i was on my way to class yesterday and saw Kobe Bryant on Bruinwalk. very random, but very cool. i didn't even know what was going on cuz there was a HUGE mob of people following him. if i brought my scooter, i would have got some very good pics, but all i got was the back of his head, and it was kinda far away. owell... this is what's awesome about living in LA =). ok, time to shut up and go return the laptop to the library. bye!

06/03: very awesome day. saw Esther(Chen) again for the first time in forever... went to the mall after church, then took pics at Cue =). lunched @ Carl's Jr. now i'm back at home and making sure i didn't forget to pack anything, since i won't be coming back until the schoolyear's over. it's a really weird feeling... makes me extra cautious about not forgetting to bring important things. i'm pretty sure i got all i need. anyways, i just felt like writing another random entry cuz its my last hour or so at home. i think i'll just practice piano until its time to leave... i practiced last night too, and just like last week it was absolutely amazing to be able to hear myself make progress so quickly. there's less than a week before my jury, and even though i'm not worried about it, i still want to do well, since its the last time i'll play piano at UCLA in front of any sort of audience - in this case all the professors. i really don't want to leave with the impression that i'm just another composition student learning piano because it's mandatory. but that means i'll have to work very hard this coming week. wish me luck... anyways, i'll shut up and go practice now. bye!

06/02: quick update before going to sleep. went to Rowland High School's Pop Show earlier tonight... i was extremely impressed at how the overall organization improved dramatically from previous years. the performances were also significantly better too for the most part. seeing Carol sing and dance to NSYNC was timeless =). and it was awesome getting to see Ally again too. at the end when the seniors came up to give their last performance, i found myself on the verge of tears just like the people on stage. i guess its cuz i'm going through a time similar to theirs - when one big stage in my life is about to end and every last memory seems to matter. i can be extremely emotional at times, especially when it comes to something like being at UCLA for four years. a sudden moment of completion and departure would surely break my heart, and it makes me extremely thankful for having to come back after summer for another quarter, when i'll slowly transition from being a college student to surviving in the real world.

later at night i took out my yearbook from my senior year at Troy and read everything people wrote to me. it didn't take too long, since there obviously weren't very many people that actualyl wrote in my yearbook. of those who did, almost everyone seemed to want to keep in touch. i haven't thought about many of those people for years, but i still remember them, and i deeply regret not taking intiative when i had the chance to maintain more friendships from high school. my heart is still as open as it was back then, but chances are other people no longer feel the same way. we've all moved on and spent four years in college, living our own lives and learning to survive on our own. God only knows where each of the people who wrote in my yearbook four years ago are right now. perhaps one day we'll meet again somewhere somehow. but that would definitely take a miracle.

as sad as it sounds, its definitely true that the majority of high school 'friends' end up not keeping in touch after going to college, and it eventually becomes more of an obligation to not lose an old friendship than a desire to actually be friends. but much of that is because there's so many people out there like me, who are too shy to speak their minds and sometimes too lazy to step out of their comfort zones to show others that they care. for those who are graduating from high school or college in these next few weeks, i hope you'll be willing to put effort into building quality friendships even when you no longer see each other on a daily basis. it's not all about finding the easiest and most efficient way to communicate, and its definitely not about simply filling that desire in all of us to be noticed and be loved. true friendship goes far beyond that, and i encourage all of you to use this transitional time as an opportunity to show those who you care about that you're there for them, and turn easy friendships into lasting relationships.

06/02: i found out earlier today that one of my piano students, Bill, is moving to Canada permanantly in a few weeks. and since i'm not coming back for a while after this weekend, it means today was our last lesson. i hate to pick favorites as a teacher, but i've never taught anyone with as much determination as he has; how often do you find a middle school student who loves to learn music theory? his constant enthusiasm and undying interest in music has made our lessons extremely meaningful, and over the past year or two we've had many awesome conversations about our experiences with music and other things. yes, i admit, i'm not exactly gifted in the area of teaching, and i have plenty to learn about how to interact with students and help them gain both interest and technique in music. but every once in a while there comes a time when i can step back into my car after a lesson and feel so content about everything... it's really hard to describe. but when the student does well, it makes him/her happy and it makes the parents happy too, and of course it makes the teacher happy. that's how i feel after every lesson with Bill. as i listened to him play Canon in D from beginning to end for the last time, it brought back many memories of the many moments in the years i've been teaching that made this job seem so worthwhile. and it brings me back to the question of exactly what i'm gonna pursue career-wise at this point in my life.

of course, the first step is to find a job for this summer, and i haven't exactly done that yet. my ideal plan would be to have a part-time music-related internship (which are usually not paid) and a part-time job - a job like the ones all the other students seem to have every summer. i realized that all this time i've been teaching, i lacked one important thing - the experience of working under a boss or manager. i've always been my own boss, with the power as a teacher to tell people what to do. and of course, it pays extremely well per hour. but i know that if i'm gonna work my way up to succeed in the real world, i'll need to experience being in a work environment with a heirarchy more complex than what i'm used to... i want to learn to work under someone of a higher position, as well as learn to get along with co-workers... and even if it means being a burger flipper this summer, i think it's a good idea. in fact, i actually like the idea of being a burger flipper. to me it seems a lot more fun than sitting at a desk filing papers all day. or mabye working at Starbucks... or a boba store... or Pinkberry? =)

but here's the problem - every summer i say i want to go out and find a job, and always end up too lazy or too stupid to do so, and end up settling with living off the few piano students i have, when in reality i have plenty of free time that i want to put to good use. this year i was more motivated than ever, knowing i'm gonna graduate soon and need to get my act together right away. the only thing stopping me right now is the fact that my mom isn't exactly happy with my desire for a low-end job. i know i sound like a total fool, but i admit that because i've worked independently all these years, i 'm completely clueless as to how to search for a job to apply for. and my cluelessness doesn't exactly help motivate me. now on top of that, my mom seems to be insisting on the approach of criticizing me for my stupidity rather than helping me grow out of it. she's right when she said i'm too weak, but after talking (more like arguing) with her last weekend i basically lost all the motivation i originally had for the summer.

of course, i know God isn't gonna fail me. if it's His plan for me to have a good job and if i'm willing to try hard enough, then i'll find what i need for sure. as for whether it's gonna be at In-N-Out or in a huge office building, i'll have to wait and see. in the mean time, please pray for me not to waste my life away and settle for less than what i'm able to accomplish this summer. i'm gonna continue teaching on the side and hopefully settle a possible internship opportunity i have in mind and have made some effort to pursue already. but commuting there alone will already demand that i have a job to pay for the gas money. God, help me to keep my eyes open for opportunities and make the effort to facilitate Your plan for me this summer.

06/01: Friday night. it has been one fun and eventful day. but first of all, pictures from yesterday (shaved ice party / dinner @ deneve) are already online. and for those who didnt notice yet, the senior recital pics were up a few days ago (under Concerts, not College). i already ordered a CD of the recital, but it will take a bit longer than i expected... the SMB office will try to get it to me as soon as possible.

soo what makes today so awesome? first of all, Hannah took the bus for two hours all the way from Pasadena to come visit me at UCLA! she arrived just when i got out of class, so we met up in Westwood and had lunch in Hedrick. she found it hard to believe the concept of having buffet-style food for all three meals every day. gosh, we Bruins are such spoiled people. but hey, at least i didn't insist on having air conditioning and private bathrooms and being as close to campus as possible =). after lunch we came up to chill in my room for a bit and watched some really really random Youtube videos. then went down to Ackerman to play DDR, only to realize that it was out of order, so we went to the Westwood arcade instead. as usual, walking around Westwood was fun, especially cuz its Friday so it's always easy to run into familiar faces. Hannah fell in love with that little girly accessory store on Westwood between Rite-Aid and Pinkberry. the store owner was soo nice and gave each of us a lollipop. apparently nice people still exist in LA =). all that shopping made Hannah a bit late for her bus though, especially cuz we were stupid and didn't know where the bus stop was. ok fine, i'm the stupid one, cuz i've been living here for four years and i have no excuse not to know where the Metro stops. we arrived at the corner of Strathmore and Gayley but only found the stop for the opposite direction. then we just stood there like idiots not knowing what to do... the i saw Van walking by and said hi and asked her, and she pointed across the street and there was a bus stop right there. gosh, i'm an idiot. but hey at least yesterday when we made shaved ice i actually knew how to use the can opener - and i remembered to open the can rightside up =).

came back to Hedrick and chilled for a bit (a.k.a. posted Car-Parazzi pics) before going to Covel with Jane for dinner. turned out they had alfredo pizza, good pasta, really good french fries, AND baked potatoes - all my favorites. so i ate a lot... at least that's what Jane said. after theme dinner, nothing can be too much =). came back to my room for a quick break before going to 449 to take a picture for Senior Catalyst (next Tuesday). apparently the billion pictures already on my site aren't good enough hehe. and i looked like a total freak, especially after going down DeNeve Dr. on my scooter. no worries, i didn't fall and hurt myself again - i've been extremely careful ever since the last accident (for those who were wondering, i'm almost entirely recovered already)... but careful doesn't always mean slow. so what's the rush? after taking the pic i went straight to SMB to catch the last bit of Subi's senior recital. because i'm relatively new to the music department and also because i'm extremely quiet there, i never really felt like i could fit in well with all the composers, but after having my recital and giving people a chance to hear my stuff, as well as realizing that people actually cared about what i had to offer, i'm starting to realize that i do in fact have a role in the music department. and so i try to go to all the other composer senior recitals. i'm sure one day i'll thank Chihara for his advice to build relationships as much as possible because you never know what everyone will eventually become.

so anyways, now i'm back in my room relaxing for a bit longer before my mom comes to pick me up. i just finished a big cleaning job in my room - vacuuming, undusting everything, and washing the window screen - i never realized how dirty that screen was until i cleaned it, and now it definitely looks different. kinda makes me feel like the time when i just moved in to this room. i can't believe everything is coming to an end so quickly. tonight will be my last time going home before the schoolyear ends, and i'm already moving back a lot of stuff that i don't use to make things easier on the actual move-out day. i still have a little time left to kill before my mom gets here, so i guess i'll shut up and go finish packing. have a great weekend everyone!

06/01: Friday morning / Week 9 update. Tuesday - breakfast with Josh Victoria and Ran... a little Hedrick 2N reunion hehe. went to practce, keeping in mind what i learned over the weekend. went to classes, dinnered with the IV gang, went to Catalyst. walked back with Julia Jessica and Debbie. Wednesday - breakfast with Ran and Jane. practiced piano. lunch w/ Anny. went to the Mancini studio for two hours to meet with Tom and get all my previous compositions edited. as of now everything's done already (except the wind ensemble piece that was recorded afterwards). went to the Wind Ensemble reading session... seems like my piece is so much more serious than everyone else's. i still don't quite get the hang of the typical wind ensemble style... but who knows, maybe that will be a good thing =). went to the second half of Chorale, ate cup noodles for dinner... poor Jeff walked around aimlessly trying to decide whether or not to go buy food, and ended up hungry at the recital. i heard a bunch of them went out to BJ's afterwards though, so they had their share of fun =). after the recital i caught the last half of the Symphony Orchestra concert, then walked back with Elizabeth.

Thursday - breakfast with Irina. practiced, lesson, classes... the usual stuff - until around 4:30. the ever-so-popular Peggy managed to invite a huge gang of people to come and have mango shaved ice. congratz to Peggy and Erin for coming on time =). then again, we're all Asian and we were here for Asian dessert... so i guess coming late is not a surprise hehe. eventually Joy Candy Rebecca Monica and Christine all came and we all had some awesome shaved ice. Peggy brought some additional toppings too, making it even better =). oh and we took a billion pictures, so expect those to be online soon. after eating i somehow found myself being videotaped while playing the Super Mario theme on my keyboard. more about Mario later... after chilling for a while, i went with Peggy Rebecca Candy and Christine to meet with Michelle Christina and Amanda for dinner at DeNeve. we took more pictures there too... that's what happens when there's too many Asians at the same table. but it was fun =). we stayed n talked at the DeNeve lobby - i was so grossed out by all the details about ear piercing =/. came back to my room for a quick break before going to watch Josh and his band perform at Courtside. it was really casual and Josh eventually invited me to join for a little bit, so i hopped on the keys and played... Super Mario. it was the first thing that came to my mind. even more on Mario later. came back afterwards to do some homework, then went to talk with Jane in her room til like 1AM. it's really not everyday i find people who want to just sit down and talk - we got to share so many things, and if i get a chance i hope to write about some of it here. we had such a great time, and we only shutted up cuz it was getting late and we needed to sleep.

...that brings us to today. woke up, had breakfast with Ran (he actually came EARLY this time =) ), and now i'm back here writing this. i'm definitely tempted to go hunting in Bel-Air, but the weather looks pretty hopeless, and i really feel like i can take advantage of the morning silence before class to think and write. Hannah's coming from Pasadena to visit later... i can't wait =). and it's amazing that she's gonna take the bus from so far away to visit me. for all you people out there who are already on summer break, come visit me in these next two weeks, cuz after that the chance will be gone forever!

soo, more about Super Mario. it's fun enough knowing how to play the music on piano, but i've decided to take it one step farther and use Super Mario as part of my 10-page term paper for history class =). we got to choose our own topic, as long as it had to do with music after 1950 - and i talked to Professor Paulin about doing my paper on video game music and he approved. we had to turn in a proposal of what we planned to write about, and here's one paragraph from my proposal -

"Because studying the development of video game music is a relatively new field, there are very few books written about it. Therefore most of my research will take place on the internet. Large video game information sites such as www.gamespot.com and biz.gamedaily.com contain several articles on the history of video game music with plenty of useful information".

I got my proposal back yesterday with the word "Indeed!" written next to that paragraph, followed by "You seem to know your stuff!" and "I don't have much to add". it's amazing how easy it is to pull off BS on college essays. "There are very few books written about it" basically means "I'm too lazy to go to the library to do my research". Imagine doing a research project using only gamer sites and Wikipedia. that's what i'm gonna end up doing, and i'm totally looking forward to it.

05/31: more random thoughts from history class... last night's recital actually came out quite well - i screwed up as usual, but Ruby told me there was a dramatic difference in my overall touch, confirming my need to practice more at home when i have a good piano to play on. too bad this weekend is the last chance i'll get to touch that piano before the schoolyear ends. i'm staying the weekend before finals as usual for the chorale concert (Saturday 6/9 in Royce Hall, if you're interested), then the weekend after that is graduation (even though i'm not actually graduating), then after that i'll be in Catalina =).

it's quickly starting to hit me that the schoolyear is coming to an end. this morning was my last lesson, since next week is Ruby's own recital... then there's the jury, and then its all over. yesterday was my last large ensemble composition reading... last night was the last piano recital... all these things force me to think about exactly what i've accomplished during my years in college. of course, the first thing that comes to my mind is music - the long and unforgettable journey from being an unmotivated engineer to a passion-driven life as a music major. equally as important are all the friendships i've formed in the past years. and i consider all these things gifts from God. but i'm starting to see one big problem - all this time i've been figuring out God's purpose for me, making friends to keep me company, and making the most out of the college experience in general... the bottom line is that everything i've done seems to be all about me. and that's clearly not the full picture that God has in mind for me. i've noticed this problem for a very long time - as early as last schoolyear - but never really bothered to deal with it. during Catalyst a few weeks ago, we were asked to reflect on the many activities relating to this year's theme - justice - and think about what we've learned. i realized that all the activities we did - homeless ministry, No Ordinary People, etc - seemed quite foreign to me, simply cuz i wasn't exactly there at any of them. sure, i have a pretty odd schedule as a music major, with most of my free time in the morning, and plus i'm rarely here on the weekends... so i couldn't commit to many of the activities like most people could. but there were definitely times when i had the opportunity to participate in serving others, but gave it up for selfish reasons. and besides, the idea that my busy schedule to fulfill God's purpose for my own life prevents me from realizing His heart for justice simply doesn't seem right...

this may sound extremely crazy, but there's been several times when i asked myself whether or not i even have a conscience. sometimes i feel so detached from my own emotions that i'm not even sure if they exist or not. you guys know i always like to be real - and living a lifestyle as controlled as mine makes me more real than most people i know. unfortunately, this reality often shows me how heartless i can be. last summer i wrote an entry about how many frequently preached topics such as world peace, international missions, and other large-scale activities can seem so distant our own lives ("Thoughts from the Sky: Reflections on China", 9/4/06). many people agreed with how i felt, and i still believe that it's just as important to learn to love the people God placed around me - family, friends, even myself - as it is to love starving children in third-world countries. but sometimes even when people i love most are in need, i place myself on top of their needs. and after being in LA for so long and seeing injustice on a regular basis, i'm getting more and more detached from the need to step in and do something to help. sometimes i watch tears fall from people's eyes, both for their own struggles or for those of others, and even though i'm physically there for them, a part of me feels so far away. i claim to be a very emotional person (especially for a guy), but somehow i can't cry with them even when i want to.

and of course there's the issue of evangelism. i always say i hate to force people to believe in something unless they really want it and mean it. but am i really being nice, or is it just an excuse for me to stay in my comfort zone? much of the reason i feel emotionless is that when i think about heaven and hell, and which people in my life will eventually end up where, it doesn't break my heart enough that i want to do something to help. sure, i pray for my friends, and i've prayed for some friends on a daily basis for over a year already. but faith without deeds is dead, and i know that unless i actually step out and do/say something, nothing will happen. i ask God to help, but in reality He's already doing His part and its time for me to do mine. my four years in the dorms is quickly coming to an end, and it hurts me to realize how little i've done for the God that has given me so much. why is my heart so hard at times? why can't i see the people around me from God's eyes rather than my own? I refuse to believe that i'm a man with no emotions, because if so there's really no purpose in life anymore. but i want my emotions to be more than my own personal ups and downs, and i want to look at people around me and see a reflection of God's image. God, let Your will be done in my life.

05/29: tomorrow's gonna be pretty interesting - after lunch (with Anny =) ), i'll be at SMB until pretty late at night. Chihara cancelled class again... actually the class voted to not meet since our reading is immediately afterwards. but i have an appointment with Tom to get my past compositions off the Mancini Studio computer. and i'm assuming thats gonna take the whole two hours cuz i have at least three pieces to edit. then i'll join the rest of our class at the wind ensemble reading, which means i'll have to ditch chorale (we're rehearsing Chihara's piece anyways hehe... but i still feel kinda guilty not being there when i know we really need to rehearse). after the reading i'll have some time to eat cup noodles at SMB, then practice a bit just in time for Ruby's recital at night...

yes, apparently there's a recital tomorrow night. it's pretty casual, but having grown up playing piano there's always a part of me that treats performances seriously no matter what the environment is like. and no i'm definitely not ready. i've been sacrificing piano practice more and more as my recital came closer and closer, and i know i've definitely gotten worse. and not only just these few weeks, but throughout my time in college in general. it's not Ruby's fault at all - during the times when i'm focused enough to apply what she taught me, it really helped me improve. if anything is to be blamed, it would probably be the pianos i practice and learn on.

any pianist who uses the SMB practice rooms would probably agree that about half of the pianos there are pretty much useless - pedals that dont work, keys that dont make sound, etc... and if you think tuning is important, then you're left with about two or three pianos to choose from. i used those pianos on an almost daily basis this year, and they seem to work fine, except they feel light and sound very crisp (both not necessarily bad things). on the other hand, the piano in Ponce's studio (the one i use for my lessons) is literally the most muted piano i've played in my life, and it naturally makes me develop a habit of forcing sound out of the notes, ruining the quality of sound. Ruby's been telling me the same things over and over again - back away from the music and think about expression rather than pitches... sit back and use the natural weight of the arms to play loud rather than slapping the notes with fingers... and she's definitely right. except all this time i couldn't really tell a difference in how it sounds - on a crispy piano, everything kinda sounds the same. and on a muted piano, everything sounds the same too, though in a different way. so how did i suddenly realize this problem?

i brought my piano books home this weekend knowing i had to practice at home if i wanted any chance of doing well at the recital. the moment i began to play, i was enlightened with what i've been searching for this whole schoolyear. this was the piano i grew up with, the very keys that helped develop my fingers and overall musicality back in the days when i performed and competed confidently. it's been forever since i actually practiced classical music on it, and the fusion of such a familiar touch with the music i've been struggling with so long suddenly showed me how far i've strayed. i found myself painfully slamming my fingers into the keys like i never did before on that piano, trying to make an artificial loudness that destroys the very beauty i try to create. and i know the sound of this piano so well that i immediately realized my mistake. that's when i made another attempt at what Ruby taught me... and it completely transformed the way the music sounded. suddenly it seemed like all the practicing i've done at school was more or less aimless - i didn't have a goal of what i wanted the music to sound like, because i never really got a chance to hear the difference on a piano that would show it clearly. having finally found the connection between touch and sound, my practicing at home was not only focused and purpose-driven, but so fulfilling that it constantly made me want to play more.

the only problem was that my time was limited, and i don't think i practiced enough to significantly impact how tomorrow's recital will sound. but having gone through this amazing experience, even going back to using the school practice rooms felt a bit different. i still remember much of what i learned this weekend and can apply it to the school pianos, and if i force myself to practice a little every weekend, i'm sure i'll start improving quickly right away...

...and that brings me back to the old question of whether its gonna be composition or piano (or some combination of both) that tugs my heart and tells me what to focus on in this broad world of music. to be honest, if you asked me this question a few weeks ago i would have been quite close to give you a straight answer. this past schoolyear i've exceled more in composition than i ever thought was possible, and even though the process of writing music is tedious, the end result makes it all worth it as long as i'm willing to put in the effort. in fact, the end result can be so satisfying that it makes me almost certain this is what i want to do with my life. at the same time, piano practice was becoming extremely routine, and lessons didn't seem to help me much. i've asked myself several times how it was possible that i even considered wanting to be a piano major - my skills are clearly far from meeting the standards of a piano major, and my lukewarm attitude toward practicing and having lessons leaves me pretty much hopeless. the only things that kept me from giving up on performance were memories of the glorious past. and this weekend God reminded me of that very past that encouraged me for so many years. *sigh* i love playing piano, and i don't think i'll ever be able to give it up. even after long periods of feeling like giving up, a single moment of success in creating good music - or even the mere realization that i'm making good progress - makes it all worth it. i guess that means the musical tug-of-war in my heart will continue to remain unfinished. and whatever God has in store for me, i know it's gonna be good.

05/29: another random entry from history class. apparently it's week 9 already. can you believe it? i can't. like i mentioned before, it seems like the recital marks the end of one life and the beginning of another. and now suddenly my time in the dorms is almost over. with very little academic stuff to worry about, i hope to spend plenty of time saying bye to people i won't be seeing on a regular basis anymore. i've also been thinking a lot about the past four years in college and all the things that God has done. so assuming i have as much free time as i expect to, i'll probably be writing a lot of really random updates about my really random thoughts.

anyways, about my Memoral Day weekend. Friday night Elizabeth and Mariko came to visit me, so i didn't spend the whole night by myself =). caught up on sleep for the first time in what seemed like forever. Saturday - went to lunch, did some work in the backyard planting some flowers... i ended up breaking the giant shovel in two pieces =/. went to cell group - had an awesome time sharing in small groups (with Shaw, Marcus, and Eugene), much of which i'll probably write here when i have time. Sunday - went to church, then had lunch @ Garden with Ken. talked in the parking lot for a while. went home n chilled, talked on the phone with Hannah. we hadn't talked in um... months? iono... but its been forever. and its so great to catch up again. apparently she's out of school already, and she might come visit me at UCLA this Friday. how awesome is that? everyone should come visit me these next few weeks, cuz it's the last chance for me to treat you to dorm food =). Monday - had lunch @ Choe and Wendy's new house with a bunch of ClayMusic people. played NIntento Wii most of the afternoon... i was soo tired, but i'm not sure why cuz i slept more than enough this weekend. took a nap after getting home, had a quick dinner, and came back to school with Brian (thanks for the ride!).

oh yea, one more detail from this weekend. this is about 3-4 feet outside my front door -

05/26: Forty Years: The Story Continues

From the moment I found out that Professor Chihara had arranged a second reading session with the UCLA Philharmonia, I knew that the spirit of "Exodus" (my first orchestral work) was calling my name. After an incredible first encounter with orchestral composition (03/26/2007 entry), I had decided to lay the unfinished project aside in favor of focusing on more important projects required for graduation. The “ongoing story” was bound to continue, but at the time I didn’t know when or how. That opportunity came much sooner than I had expected, and immediately I found myself getting ready for a second journey to the imaginative world inside my head.

Unlike last quarter’s orchestration class, this quarter’s requires me to write pieces not only for the orchestra, but also for the women’s choir and the wind ensemble. This forced me to plan ahead, and I began working on the continuation of “Exodus” as early as spring break. I studied the Biblical story of the Israelites and placed myself in their shoes, but didn’t go too deep into it, since I wanted the music to capture the emotions of the journey rather than the actual plot. Having written a successful first movement, it was difficult to continue working with the burden of meeting the standards set by it. I spent more time trying to concentrate and fighting spring allergies than actually composing, and returned to school after spring break with only a sketch of the opening section and an 8-note motive that I wasn’t even sure would be appropriate as a secondary theme in this movement. Neither of the ideas really appealed to me, and once the new quarter began I laid them aside to work on other compositions.

With three large works to complete in a single quarter, time was extremely precious. Immediately after I finished the first project, a piece for women’s choir, I was forced to resume work on the orchestra piece. I hesitantly opened my sketches from spring break, which had been left untouched since then. Somehow I found myself enjoying the music much more than I did before. The pressure of time and the lack of expectation had forced me to stop worrying about success and focus on the music as a piece on its own rather than a continuation of “Exodus” (even though I made an effort to ensure that the two connected well together). Immediately I began the slow process of turning my existing ideas into a full piece.

Another major issue I had to deal with was actually finding the way back to the world inside my head where I found “Exodus”. Despite knowing I had only a couple short weeks to complete the piece, a part of me was hesitant to return to that state of mental power. I knew that being consumed by my imagination would distance me from my social life, something I highly valued especially because my four years in the dorms is quickly approaching its end. I began composing halfheartedly, slowly letting myself fall in love with my creativity and allowing it to suck me into its control. Because this world of large-scale composition was much more familiar to me after having already been there once, I didn’t lose touch with my normal life nearly as much. I still slept and woke to the music every day, but I was able to take small bits of my imaginative world back with me to my regular life. I realized that composition was becoming a part of my ordinary life rather than something of a foreign world.

Just like with “Exodus”, I allowed the music to compose itself once I wrote down enough ideas to let it evolve. Rather than naming the new piece after another book of the Bible, I gave it the title “Forty Years”; it covers the books of Leviticus and Numbers, depicting the emotions of the forty years the Israelites spent in the desert through two contrasting themes – a slow, wander series of phrases and a march based on the 8-note melody I wrote during spring break. Not long after continuing progress on the piece, I had the idea of transforming that same 8-note melody into a slow and passionate chorale-like section that would come as a surprise at the end of the piece. It would symbolize the death of Moses, one of my favorite parts of the story. The image of God leading Moses up the mountain to show him the Promised Land he would never set foot in before death seemed more like a passionate climax to me than a tragic ending, so I decided that my idea of a lyrical melody in A-flat major would be more appropriate than music typically associated with death. I fell in love with that idea immediately after it came to my mind, and it helped complete the overall structure of the piece long before I planned to start worrying about it. But I gave myself one rule – the piece must be written in order from beginning to end, and I was not allowed to work on the chorale section until everything before it was done. I made this rule simply to keep myself focused rather than jumping to the easiest parts right away, but in the end it produced an amazing and unexpected result. By being forced to finish the more tedious parts of the piece first, I found myself living through a time of desperation and longing just like the Israelites did for forty years in the desert. My own emotions were captured by the music I wrote, making it naturally passionate. When the time finally came for me to write the long-awaited chorale section, I experienced the very joy and relief I wanted the piece to end with.

Professor Chihara had suggested that because there were more people in our class this quarter, we should keep our pieces less than three minutes long to guarantee a good reading. But I refused to let that get in the way of my compositional process, knowing that “slow” movements are typically a bit longer than faster ones and that I didn’t want my second movement to be any less substantial than the first. “Forty Years” ended up being about seven minutes long, but it was so close to my heart that I decided to leave it as is, even if it meant that only part of it would be read by the orchestra.

Because we had so much to do in class, we didn’t have as much time to show our works in progress as we did last quarter. When I presented “Forty Years” in class for the first time, it was already completed, and the class responded very positively. Having learned from my mistakes in “Exodus”, the editing process of the new piece was much more efficient, and I made sure I didn’t make the same mistakes twice. A few days before the due date, the final score and all the parts were ready to be handed in.

The week between the due date and the reading session wasn’t nearly as frightening as that before the “Exodus” reading, partly because I was already familiar with the reading session process and also because I had other things to worry about immediately after finishing the piece, namely my senior recital and my piece for wind ensemble. But the moment I found myself sitting in the corner with all the other composers waiting to have our pieces read, the passion of “Forty Years” came back to me. I was extremely disappointed when I found out that Professor Chihara had placed my piece at the very end of the session; with our reputation of always going overtime, being the last one would almost certainly imply that I would have the least amount of time, and that the performers would be exhausted and perhaps frustrated after having read so many pieces already. I knew that there was only one thing that could turn the situation around – a piece worthy of all the extra time and energy spent on it.

The time finally came for me to step up to the front of the orchestra. The first thing I told the conductor, Neal Stulberg, was that because the piece was long and we were already running very late, it would be okay if we only worked on a part of it (which was what I had originally expected from the reading session). But he suggested trying the whole thing first, and since he was the one in charge of the orchestra, I gladly took his word. They read through the entire piece once then started over to work on details from beginning to end. The twenty minutes allotted to my piece passed by quickly, but the conductor continued to push on, one detail at a time. I watched in awe as sections of the piece that already sounded fine to me became even better. After already spending over 20 minutes on the piece, the orchestra played it in its entirety one last time, leaving me with an excellent recording of it and bringing the almost three-hour-long reading session to a good end. Many of the performers enjoyed playing my piece, and some who had originally wanted to leave early said they were glad they stayed. I left the music building that evening filled with joy, without a single word of complaint.

Of course, the reading wasn’t perfect, and much of the imperfections could have been prevented if I marked my music more clearly. But just like in the “Exodus” reading, the flaws serve to remind me that even though I have come a long way in this past year, I still have much more to learn. Moses’ death brought power to a new leader, Joshua, and the journey to the Promised Land did not end there. In the same way the ongoing story of “Exodus” allowed me to write a second movement, I believe a time will come when I will be inevitably inspired to write the remaining one or two movements of the full symphonic work. In the same way God continued to lead His people on the Biblical journey, I believe He will continue to guide me as I pursue His will for my life as a musician.

05/25: Friday night. seems like everyone has gone home for the long weekend already... but its kinda nice to be in the room all by myself playing piano without bothering anybody. quick update of the last couple days - i miraculously finished my essay on Wednesday night, meaning there was nothing left to do for the rest of the week. its suck a good feeling... i haven't been this free in a while. that's why i'm suddenly updating like crazy these days. Thursday - breakfast with Jane. practiced piano and went to classes. came back n chilled until the big dinner. and i mean big. i got to Hedrick dining hall at around 4:55 before they opened, and stayed there until 8:30 after they closed. and the food? simply amazing. i had two quarter-pound cheeseburgers, three bowls of shrimp pasta, and four plates of steak n mashed potatoes. plus salad and drinks. people who joined me - Tammy Doris Elizabeth Mariko Lisa Sophie Sophia Jane... there were a few more but i didn't even meet them cuz they were all the way at the other side of the table. at first it was just me and Tammy and we claimed a huge table with extra trays, and at the end it actually filled up =). this is what i looked like a little before the clock struck 8...

05/23: essay's almost done, so i guess i'll take another break and write another entry. this one's gonna have a few pictures in it. for those who still think i write too much about cars, stop reading this entry now =). for those who don't, treat yourself to a glimpse of my amazing weekend. starting with Saturday - an amazing four-and-a-half-hour journey through the Triangle with fellow Car-Parazzi Ian, resulting in well over $10 million of cars on my camera. it was my first Saturday in the Triangle, and i was definitely not disappointed - i've never seen Rodeo Drive so packed with cars, sometimes up to half a dozen exotics visible at the same time. anyways, here's a few pics-

05/23: seems like every entry i've written for as long as i can remember has been about composing and/or recitals. its time to change that (at least for the most part). i'm definitely several entries behind right now - i need to write about the recital in detail, the Philharmonia reading last week, all the awesome cars i saw this past weekend, and much more. but for now, i'll catch up with the weekly updates since i haven't done those in way too long. in fact, i can't even remember where the last one left off. end of week 6 maybe? wait, what week is it now!? *confused* fine, i'll scroll down and check for myself.

yep, i'm starting at week 7 (last week). here we go... Monday - breakfast with Josh Tracy and Yiki. practiced piano and went to classes. dinnered with Jaymie and Yolie. worked on wind ensemble piece all night. Tuesday - breakfast, practice, classes, the usual stuff... until the orchestra reading, which came out amazingly well. again, i'll save those details for another entry. went to Catalyst. chilled with Elizabeth at night. Wednesday - breakfast with Yiki and Tracy. Chihara cancelled class again, so i stayed in Hedrick to compose all morning/afternoon until chorale, taking one break to have lunch with Sue. went to chorale, dinnered with Jane, then composed some more. Thursday - breakfast with Josh. practiced piano, went to lesson, had plenty more recital-related drama (more details later) that was miraculously resolved b the end of the day. walked back up the hill with Christine and got Bruin Cafe on the way (thanks Christine for the smoothie! =) ). dinnered with Elizabeth. more composing, then went with Elizabeth to Covel to print some music and brough it to Alison (one of our new violinist) at Deneve. Friday - breakfast with Yiki and Tracy. spent the morning preparing for the big rehearsal. went to class, came back for an early lunch with Peggy and her gang - Erin Linda Christine (x2) Sonia April Nhu and um... there were more people right? i can't remember =/. its hard to meet so many people at once. but thanks for inviting me to eat with you guys =). made it back to SMB just in time for an intense afternoon of rehearsing. dinnered with Tammy, followed by a trip to Rendezvous with Elizabeth... then we just sat around n talked for the rest of the night. you know, the typical i-have-homework-but-cant-do-it Friday night. Saturday - brunch with Chester, then went straight to Beverly Hills to meet up with Ian for an amazing afternoon of cars. spent several hours there, then went back to UCLA to park my scooter (gosh i love having a lock... it makes scootering even more convenient then it already is). went straight to Santa Monica to meet with Tammy and Janelle. apparently nobody told me the bus stops at Ackerman on weekends, so i actually walked all the way down to Westwood =/. owellz... after a 4.5-hour hunting trip a few more blocks wont hurt =). Tammy and Janelle were studying at Borders the whole afternoon... after we met up we walked around 3rd street for a while then dinnered @ the foodcourt. shopped around the mall, walked around 3rd street some more, then went back to Hedrick. talked with Elizabeth until around 1AM - i had originally planned to sleep super early knowing i had to wake up early the next morning, but then i realized its not everyday i get to spend a Saturday night chilling in the dorms, so i decided it was worth staying up =). Sunday - got up at around 8 just in time to hitch a ride from Spyder's mom, who took me Spyder Jake and Aaron (aka Iceberg) to Supercar Sunday. again, more details on that later. and i'll post a few pictures here too. ok fine, a little more than a few. we'll see... anyways, Spyders mom treated us to bagels and drinks after the show (thanks! =) ), then took me back to UCLA. lunched w/ Elizabeth... after four years, i finally get to experience a meal-time fire alarm. and its the second one this week! those stupid people who burn popcorn... hehe i was quite surprised the dining hall still let us back in though - they handled it much better than i expected. went with Elizabeth to SMB to watch Sean Friar and Jeff Moore's senior recital. i went partly to enjoy the music and partly to check out what other composers' senior recitals are like so i could have an idea what to do on my own. came back and resumed work on wind ensemble piece. dinnered with Jane. more composing and preparation for the big day...

phew, that was one heck of a long paragraph. and for those who havent figured this out yet, a lot of these entries are written simply for my own reference and i dont expect anyone to read them all. but if you somehow made it this far, good job =). ok, a few more days to write about. week8 update (so far) - Monday- breakfast with Josh. relaxed in my room all morning... it wasnt exactly relaxing, since i had so much to worry about. ate a quick lunch by myself to calm down a bit. went to orchestration class but missed chorale to run back to print recital programs at Covel (long story behind that... i wont get into details now). went back to SMB for some last-minute rehearsals and to work out some more details with Ammon. everything finally started coming together well, and we even got to run a few segments of my orchestra music through before the concert. writing about the concert can take much more space than this entry already did, so i think i'll save it for later. helped clean up a bit afterwards, then walked back with Elizabeth and Mariko (thanks for waiting for me! =) ). came back to my room and wrote the previous entry. Tuesday - breakfast with Josh Tracy and Yiki. practiced/classes... for composition class we simply debriefed the recitals from the past few days. Professor Lefkowitz is very critical in a way that i've learned to appreciate... and when someone like him gives a compliment, its easier for me to take it to heart because i know he means it. overall i got enough good feedback about the recital to know that even though lots of stuff could have been better, it already turned out extremely well. came back to do more editing. dinnered with Elizabeth and Mariko, then with the IV gang. went to Catalyst, walked back with Lisa and Tammy. finished editing and printed the score (thanks Elizabeth for letting me use ur printer =) ). Wednesday... wait thats today huh? wow, i'm finally caught up to the present =). so anyways, today - breakfast with Jane, the with Victoria Ran and Ellen. walked to campus with Victoria and Ellen, went to Kinkos to bind my score, then went to Covel to print all my parts. this is probably the first time i waited til the morning a composition project is due to print everything, but i really didn't have a choice considering how busy i've been with the recital. the wind ensemble piece (simply titled 'overture for wind ensemble' due to lack of creativity) is short and can potentially be developed much more, but for the sake of time i've decided to let it be a small work of its own. maybe someday i'll come back to it. chilled and ate leftover pasta in my room =). i think there's enough pasta to last both me and Richard an entire week. went to classes, dinnered with Jane, worked on history essay, and now Jane is here doing her essay while i'm writing this.

one last thing before i shut up - tomorrow night is THEME DINNER, and the theme is STEAKHOUSE!! i'm planning on staying in Hedrick from 5 to 8 =). anyone wanna join? just give me a call and come anytime so i dont have to eat by myself. who knows, this might be my last theme dinner! i'm definitely gonna make the most out of that swipe =). ok, time to shut up and get back to work on the essay. bye!

05/21: it's about 1 in the morning, but i'm actually feeling quite hyper. i guess its a kind of post-senior-recital excitement, and i'm definitely gonna stay up and enjoy it before its gone. as for the recital, it turned out very well - i was extremely encouraged to see so many people come to watch and support us . there were enough people present that it made all the money Ammon and I spent on the hall and the food worth it. it was weird seeing so many familiar faces that i don't normally associate with UCLA all in one place at the same time, and i'm so glad you guys came out to be part of this very important night of my life. the music could have used more practice, but considering the time we had it turned out very well. afterwards at the reception, all i could do was smile and say a million thank-yous to everyone who came or performed. in fact, i'm gonna put most of those thank-yous right here for everyone to see =). special thanks to the following people who helped make this concert possible:

All the performers - Gina Choi, Garrett Collins, Yin Chi Chang, Ali Gilroy, Tritia Lin, Max Kaplan, Sumner Arano, Gabriella Mocilnikar, Reesa Jones, Max Hembd, Derick Ganong, William Baker, Jeff Peters, Bethany Conrad, Jamie Strowbridge, Kelly Flickinger, Lorry Black, Doug Chin, Patrick Weber, Kathleen Moon, Annie Yang, Sally Yeh, Alex Wang, Christina Schin, Alison Spieth, Paula Karolak, Edwin Kaplan, Hillary Smith, Bryan West, Jay Rubottom, Elizabeth Chang, Stephen Pu - for all the dedicated work you put into bringing our music to reality. Many of the pieces were quite difficult, especially considering the little practice we had. Thanks for putting up with our intense rehearsal schedules and working hard to learn our music.

Ammon Campbell for sharing this recital with me and doing most of the work recruiting performers, arranging for us to use Schoenberg Hall, and taking care of many details while I was still busy finishing my music. Even though there were times when things got extremely frustrating, we managed to pull through until the very end, putting on a concert that went above and beyond a typical senior recital.

Professors Chihara, Krouse, and Lefkowitz for your instruction and support. You helped me discover and nurture my abilities and passion for composition and orchestration.

The Schoenberg Hall stage crew, recording engineers, and janitorial staff for all the behind-the-scenes work you did for us, saving us plenty of work and making everything run very smoothly.

My family and past music teachers - Lucy Nargyzian, Carlton Liu, and group lesson instructors at Yamaha Music - for your constant encouragement throughout the years. You helped me to not only learn to play and write music, but to enjoy it. At that time I never knew music would be my major in college, but the passion I have now would not exist without what you have done.

Everyone who came to the concert - my family and relatives, friends from Hedrick, Intervarsity, the music department, and UCLA in general, friends from UCI, friends from GCCI, professors and other faculty members - for taking the time and effort to be part of the audience. It was extremely encouraging to see all of you there.

My Lord Jesus Christ for giving me my musical abilities and paving the way for me to come to UCLA and discover it. The past four years in college have been an incredible journey of passion, a story that I could not have written myself. Thank You for always watching over me, guiding me as I pursue my love for music and learn to develop my abilities, and not giving up on me during times when I felt like giving up. I will always remember Your unfailing love and continue trusting You to write the story of my life.

...With all that said, i think its time for me to get some sleep so i won't be completely dead tomorrow morning. (i'll still attempt to wake up for breakfast, but i won't make any promises =) ). a couple more things before i shut up - first, for those who didn't make it tonight (or those who did but are still interested), the entire concert was professionally recorded and i'll be getting a CD of it. ask me for more details. second, i'll be posting pictures from the concert, so if you have any pics you're willing to donate, please let me know as soon as possible. thanks! ok, i think it's time for me to shut up and sleep. i'm still really hyper, but i can feel my energy slowly running out. it's ok, no matter how tired i am now it was all worth it. and if anyone wants some more of that awesome Macaroni Grill pasta and bread, come to my room cuz i have two whole trays of leftovers waiting to be eaten! =)

05/20: feels like forever since i updated. every day this week has seemed much more eventful than a single day could be. there's been plenty more drama regarding the recital, but miraculously everything is somehow working out fine. the weekend has been, surprisingly, very relaxing - after Friday's intense all-afternoon rehearsal (which i'll describe more later), there wasn't much more to do other than simply get my mind off the recital so i could stop worrying about stuff that worrying can't help. so yesterday (Saturday) i spent an entire day out having fun, beginning with over 4 hours in Beverly Hills hunting with Ian, followed by dinner and some shopping in Santa Monica with Tammy and Janelle. got up early in the morning today to catch a ride with the Car-Parazzi gang to Supercar Sunday once again - simply the most amazing day ever. in terms of cars, that is. but for now i wont describe it or post pics... thats gonna wait til after the recital. and so is everything else i need to update about - last week's composition reading, the week in general, etc...

soo... its around 10PM on Sunday night, meaning the recital is less than 24 hours away. its pretty scary to think about it. Friday's rehearsal was extremely productive, but also extremely rushed, at least for most of my pieces. some of them i haven't even heard once, and some others i've heard but know it can use more work, even though there isn't enough time to give it more work. tomorrow there's gonna be at least three more rehearsals, hopefully more, so basically i won't have any clue what to expect for the recital until a few minutes before it begins. i guess its another lesson of faith for me to learn. i'm trusting that because everyone on the team is a good musician, being on stage in front of an audience means a lot to them and they want to sound good. therefore i don't need to keep pushing them to practice cuz i know they'll do what they need to feel comfortable on stage. *sigh* it's so hard to let go. but what can i do about it anyways? like i've been saying a lot lately, my life as i know it now will end very soon. God only knows what i'll be feeling at this time tomorrow - perhaps very discouraged, and perhaps very accomplished. i pray for the courage to take charge and do what i need to do without hesitating. we've worked so hard to make this recital turn out well, and i pray that we won't give up now. there's still plenty of preparational work to do, making tomorrow yet another unpredictable day. then again, that's what makes life so exciting right? again, the recital is at 8PM tomorrow in Schoenberg Hall. please come and support us (and eat free Macaroni Grill afterwards =) ). see you guys tomorrow!

05/16: many many things to be thankful for, starting with the simplest and most unexpected things. the many little scars on my hands and knees have taught me to appreciate simply being able to do everyday tasks like clapping, eating, and taking a shower - all of which i had trouble with for several days after the accident. when i looked in the mirror last night, i was amazed that my chin scar has decreased in size by about half since the last time i checked. my hands are still bruised, but they no longer hurt nearly as much anymore and i'm able to do just about everything normally now.

another thing to be thankful for - yesterday was an absolutley amazing day, not only because Professor Lefkowitz liked my string trio, but because it was my second composition reading with the Philharmonia. at first, i was pretty disappointed when i found out that i was placed at the very end of the program, meaning we would for sure be overtime already and the orchestra members would be tired and wanting to go home. only one thing could help that problem - a piece worthy of the extra time and effort spent on it. the first thing i told the conductor when i went up was that since the piece is very long (on average about twice as long as almost everyone else's), its ok if we only did a part of it. but he said to try it first, and i took his word. unlike the "Exodus" reading, there were much fewer errors on my part, and apparently the new piece ("Forty Years") was much easier to read than i had expected. i watched in awe as the clock continued to tick and still the orchestra continued to work on my piece. then i realized that being the last one has its own advantage - because there's nobody else waiting and the orchestra strives for excellence, they can work as long as they're willing to stay to make the piece sound good. i ended up getting much more time than i expected (or deserved), and the full run-through (the recorded take) came out far better than i could have expected. the whole time i just sat there amazed at hearing my music finally become reality. on top of that, many of the performers really enjoyed playing it, which made me feel much better for taking up their dinnertime. there's nothing like the feeling after a good reading session. now the next problem - after such an awesome reading, can i expect the same for my recital?

speaking of the recital, there's plenty more to be thankful for. first of all, Ammon and I now have all the necessary people in our ensemble (yes, including the conductor =) ), and the performers are treating our music very seriously - many already practiced their parts or worked out details with others in the same section. this will make Friday's rehearsal much more efficient, and everyone will leave much happier. i finished all my homework for the week over the weekend, and i'm planning on dedicating this entire week (except for writing my wind ensemble piece) to recital-related stuff, namely advertising. we already have flyers up in the music building, and we're working hard to make the concert known all across campus. (by the way, sorry to advertise on the main page - you probably saw it when u clicked to get in this site. knowing how much i hate advertising, that should give you an idea how much this means to me). for those keeping this event in prayer, please focus on the individual members of the team (Ammon and I, the performers, and everyone in charge of the stage at the concert), the efficiency and success of Friday's rehearsal, and the promotion of the event. speaking of promotion, i better shut up and go send out a few emails!

05/14: Monday night... not exactly a time of the week i've looked forward to recently. Monday night means the TV is on from the moment i return from dinner until i go to sleep, often loud enough to be heard all the way down the hall. add about an hour when there's a million people here watching it together, often screaming loud enough to make me jump out of my chair. there's nothing really wrong with that, except it's nearly impossible to write music with additional music blasting in the background. and its nearly impossible to do anything at all with the loud screaming. my headphones often give the impression that they're really nice expensive noise-cancelling ones... but thats not true - these were FREE. i love it when people talk about me thinking i can't hear them, when i can actually hear every word as clearly as they can.

then again, the constant media bombardment in this room bothers me almost every other day of the week too. a lot of people ask me why i dont just speak up and complain. this is why - first of all, i hate complaining to begin with, and i always try to first see how i can learn to adapt to a difficult environment before complaining about it. composing with noise is something every composer must deal with at some point, and by putting up with it over time i have learned to focus on my work much better than i could have done before. as for having people over, needless to say, i'm simply being hypocritical if i complain. i have friends visit all the time, almost on a daily basis - and while most of them are on the quiet side, there's definitely exceptions. ever since Richard and I moved in to Hedrick two years ago, our vision was for the room to be a 'community room', both for Intervarsity and simply to serve people around us. that's why we have so much food in our room and we always leave our door open. that's also why we have a couch, and why i brought my shaved ice machine, and also why we have a TV. i have plenty of personal reasons why the TV doesn't serve this purpose effectively, but i'm not gonna let them effect my judgement on the overall situation. also, there's the issue of whether or not people understand what its like being a musician. i can't expect people around me to constantly adjust TV volume based on when there is or isn't background music, and i definitely don't expect anyone around me to agree with what i consider an ideal environment - a room completely free of popular media influence. see? told you i'm crazy. so rather than giving everyone around me a hard time, the most i'll do is give hints at people around me that i'm trying to do my work. (many people probably think i'm just listening to music and it's not even work.) if people don't get it, then that's fine. so far there hasn't been a situation that i couldn't work around, even if it means a bit more stress and a bit more time. and i've learned enough important lessons from persevering that makes the suffering worthwhile.

and of course, there's one last reason why i don't complain. by this time next week, my wind ensemble piece (which i'm working on now) should be done, and my recital will be over(!). that means the only mandatory compositional assignment left is my second string trio. and i don't believe any trio will force me to expand my mental capacity as much as a large-ensemble work does. (then again if it does, it's gonna be one heck of a good piece =) ). everything else i write will not be mandatory, meaning i'll be flexible enough to adjust my work schedule based on my environment. (and if somehow i'm so inspired that i feel its necessary to write on a Monday night, i'm sure that inspiration will help me focus well enough). in a sense, this week is the last big battle of my time as a music major - if everything goes as planned, school-related things will only start getting easier starting next week. (then again, do things ever really go as planned? God never fails to surprise me, and i'm sure He'll continue doing so). for now, all i'm gonna do is stay focused on the two things i need to get done this week - finish writing the wind ensemble and make sure that my recital turns out as good as possible. so far things are looking great, and i pray that no more unexpected circumstances will get in the way. ok, time to stop ranting and get back to work. bye!

05/12: just came back from the Coffeehouse... sorry i had to leave early, cuz i went with my mom and the Chinese program ended earlier (as expected). it was a lot of fun though... i'd love to participate in the next one, but please, dont make me repeat myself any more - tell me early!! hehe... anyways, i just feel like writing a short update. got to see Anny again yesterday... she literally disappeared from the Hedrick gang since this quarter =/. met at her apartment and went to Snowberry... they have Mango flavored yogurt now, and its sooo good! waited til Judy finished work at 5, then went to Bebe and Diddy Riese. went back to chill at the apartment then Anny took me back to Hedrick to pick up Richard to go home. it was pretty late in the evening already but luckily Kevin called to have dinner, so i didn't have to starve =). not that i could eat much with an injured jaw anyways. picked up my scooter on the way back; i had left it parked outside Rieber since after i washed myself off after the accident, but didn't want to keep it there over the weekend when it could rest comfortably in my closet =). spent the rest of the night quietly working on homework (composing) in my room... Elizabeth and Mariko came to visit and caught me playing "sad piano music". i think it only sounded sad cuz i looked sad and i was playing really slowly to let my fingers rest. still... i'm glad they came to check up on me =).

soo... a quick injury update. as of this morning, all the open wounds are dried up, meaning no more disgusting gooey stuff. that also means i dont have to tape a big chunk of paper towel to my face and look like a freak anymore. the half a dozen or so small scars on my hands still hurt like crazy when i touch them though. and because i have scars on both my left palm and the back of my left hand, its pretty much useless except for playing piano =). went to worship practice this morning then to teach, and everything was just fine. very fortunately, my big chin scar is almost entirely at the bottom of my chin, meaning if you look me straight in the face you probably won't notice anything wrong unless i point it out. i got lollicup for dinner and ate it just fine - still a bit slow, but it almost doesn't hurt at all. i'm already extremely thankful that yesterday's fall was not fatal, and even with a huge blob of red under my chin i can't really complain. ok, sorry to gross everyone out with so much red stuff... how about something yellow for a change - namely a Diablo VT 6.0. i saw one on Nogales on the way to Coffeehouse... yet another never-seen-before Lambo in my hometown! no pics though cuz it blew by me way too fast. hopefully next time... anyways, back to my injury. thanks everyone for your prayers and for checking up on me to make sure i'm getting better.

but if i can only have one prayer request, i'd rather give it to my recital. things are looking pretty good so far, with the entire ensemble complete except a possible additional violin and a confirmation from the conductor, who i will probably call tomorrow night if i don't get a reply from him by then. im slowly letting my hopes rise again, and i pray that i can keep myself controlled until i know what's gonna happen for sure, cuz i really don't need anymore drama regarding this recital. and yes, i consider this up-and-down process drama. its like when you love someone, you can't really explain why... i'm in love with music and want this recital to turn out well, but i can't explain why. i'm not getting paid or anything, and there's nobody in particular that i'm trying to please. i just want it to turn out well. and the process of making it turn out well has taken me through a pretty wide array of emotions - passion, eager anticipation, fear, hopelessness, you name it. and a bit of physical pain too =). its hard for me to imagine that after i go back to school tomorrow night, the next time i see my family will be in Schoenberg Hall on the big night. it's coming up way sooner than i'm prepared for. please continue to pray for the preparational process, which is slowly moving away from recruiting performers and shifting towards advertising. Schoenberg Hall is pretty um... big. all you music majors (or Music 15 students hehe) know what i mean. we worked really hard to get so many performers to play for us, and it would suck for them all to play for a room full of empty seats right? so if you're free on 5/21 (Monday night), come out and treat yourselves to some awesome music! =)

05/11: week6 update, with another unexpected twist in the story. starting with Wednesday - went to Bel-Air after praying in the garden. i figured at that point i just needed to stop worrying and trust in God to help me, so i went hunting to get my mind off the problems. highlight of the trip - a classic RR Silver Cloud III "Chinese Eye", coachbuilt in the 60s by Mulliner Park Ward. it's not exactly beautiful by today's standards, but it's definitely rare - no more than 100 were built. dinnered with Tammy, who was also stressed but for different reasons (essays and midterms)... it felt nice knowing i wasn't the only one going crazy. spent the rest of the night doing homework. Thursday - breakfast with Victoria. practiced piano, had lesson & classes. took a rush-hour trip to the freeway and got a "flying" shot of a Gallardo Nera. had a late dinner with Elizabeth Mariko Jane and Jimmy. Elizabeth & Mariko came over to study and we made shaved ice with the last mango =). and i actually got some homework done too. Sophia came to visit later at night, and we went to visit Michelle. we're gonna have a field trip to the Botannical Gardens sometime, and i have to be invited cuz neither of them know where it is (don't tell them! hehe).

soo... today started off pretty ordinary - breakfast w/ Jane, spent the morning in Bel-Air, then came back to get ready for class. by then the whole conductor situation was actually going quite well, though i didn't exactly let myself relax cuz things werent settled completely yet. another unexpected problem came up - its not nearly as bad as the first time, and i'm pretty sure something can be worked out this time. but still, time is winding down and i need to get all this settled as soon as possible. i left for class, but didn't exactly make it there. let's just say that it's not good to mix stress with speed. this whole week i've been allowing myself to take my scooter cuz it's election week and just like last year i made it a goal to not give anyone a chance to approach me to advertise =). i did plenty of travelling, to/from Hedrick, the Botannical Garden, the Sculpture Garden, Bel-Air, and whever else i needed to go... and each trip seemed to get faster and faster. then this morning i finally found myself touching asphalt on the street. its really weird cuz i don't even know exactly what happened... i just remember being airborn while moving forward very fast, then landing on my chin, then immediately getting up and continuing the downhill journey. everything seemed fine until i saw large drops of red falling uncontrollably from my chin and decided to pull over.

i spent the next hour behind a huge shrub cleaning myself up to avoid scaring innocent people that pass by me. don't worry, i didn't break anything... in fact, i remember purposely avoiding putting strength on my wrist when i landed, since that could cause me much more trouble than i can afford at this point. my camera helped me get a look at how bad my chin was, but luckily it turned out most of the dark area was dirt and stains, so the actual injured area wasn't too huge. still, the scar is really deep... basically a red crater on my chin. if you don't like seeing blood, please remind me to keep it covered up when i'm in public.

as i stood helplessly behind that bush, i kept wondering why this had to happen. and the more i wondered, the more i came to appreciate it. first i have to say that just this will NOT stop me from high-speed commute around campus. that would be like an athlete giving up a sport forever after recovering from an injury. and since i grew up with no interest in sports, it's about time i find something that can result in physical injury. i see it as a reminder from God to calm down and stop stressing. somehow during the times when i'm weak, a part of me deep inside feels so much stronger. i'm almost certain this will help me stay on top of composing and recital planning in the coming week, and with that in mind this pain is worth it. it's gonna take time to heal, but since i didn't break any bones, i can still live my life normally. special thanks to Tammy for being patient while i ate a slow lunch and to Elizabeth for helping me run a few errands in the music building since i didn't go to class. and Anny just called right now and we're going to Snowberry =). i guess i should go get ready, which means i'll shut up now. bye!

05/09: hmm... not sure exactly what to say. things are getting a bit interesting regarding the recital. please continue to keep me in your prayers cuz i'm seriously stressed right now. aside from the fact that we're still missing a couple performers to complete our ensemble, there's a bigger problem now - i need a CONDUCTOR. yes, i thought i already found one, and for those who know who it is, he did NOT back out on me or anything... he's extremely responsible and did everything he could to help. the problem is that he isn't able to make the rehearsal time, and the time can't be changed because it's the only time we can get the orchestra room. so yea... i'm pretty screwed. most of the other student conductors aren't free the night of the concert, so its no use asking them either. i found out the news while eating lunch with Jane a couple minutes after writing the last entry (i ended up saving the Bel-Air trip til evening and having lunch first), and she can testify to me being stressed beyond words in my room afterwards. usually i'm really chill about everything, but every once in a while when something comes up that stresses me out, i get REALLY stressed, and today happens to be one of those days. fortunately, God doesn't abandon me in my times of stress.

those of you who have clicked on the "About Me" page that i re-wrote several months ago might recall me mentioning the importance of giving God the pen to write our life stories. that was the lesson i re-learned today. God reminded me of the verse that carried me through the Journey to Shoenberg (10/12/2005 entry), Romans 8:28. that story continues until this very day, and knowing all that He has already done for me, there's no reason for me to lose hope.

i met with Elizabeth an hour before chorale for a walk around the Botannical Garden. it's one of those places that forces you to slow down and relax and pay attention to the beauty of every little thing around you, and it definitely helped me get my mind off my problems. i know... its useless to simply run away from problems. but sometimes all i need is some time to cool off, then i can deal with the problem with a better attitude. of course, reality continued to haunt me all through chorale, and i found it extremely hard to concentrate and sing. during our 10-minute break, an strange idea suddenly struck me - is it really that bad having to conduct my music myself? Ammon is conducting himself too, and most student composers have done it at one point or another. besides, i shouldn't let the image of standing before a humongous orchestra scare me, because this orchestra is condensed to less than 30 people.

at first, the idea of conducting myself suddenly became very attractive to me. but i stopped for a quick prayer, asking God to confirm for me that i'm not doing this simply because i'm too hesitant or afraid to find another conductor. after chorale i went immediately to the Sculpture Garden, where God has answered many prayers in my times of solitude. i prayed that if He has another conductor prepared for me, i would continue to push myself out of my comfort zone and search for him, but if He intends for me to experience conducting an orchestra myself, i would conquer the fear inside me and bring this music to life for His glory. and as a little personal request, i asked Him to please let me know soon to take this burden off my back. my life as a music major has always been His story, and i pray for His will to continue to be done...

05/09: sitting in my room on a Wednesday morning doing nothing... and that's exactly what i feel like doing now. i think i'm at the point where i'm so used to working nonstop that it's becoming natural. but thats a good thing. after a few more days of busywork, all my recital music is finally complete, and now i can finally help Ammon with organizational stuff.

Monday- breakfast with Jane. went to Kinkos to drop off my scores for binding. came back to Hedrick to edit music and finished "Kontraos" completely. picked up the scores from Kinkos at 12:30 then went to class. Chihara met with us individually, so i had plenty of free time, during which i taped some music and talked with Ammon about some recital details. went to chorale, came back for more editing. dinner with Sophia. more editing. finished everything and took a walk w/ Elizabeth to go print the last few sheets of music at Covel. emailed all the performers (it's my first time actually communicating witih them... so far Ammon's the one doing all the work. now i can finally help out too.) about the parts. started the tedious process of taping all the music together... until about 1AM when i finished most of it. as with most Monday nights i was really distracted, so i ended up burying myself in headphones once again and blasting heavy metal music for a whole hour to drown out everything else. and it worked quite well =).

Tuesday- breakfast with Josh. its one of those days when i stayed on campus for more than 12 hours. went to practice piano a little after breakfast, then distributed all the music to people's mailboxes. as if the previous night's taping job wasn't tedious enough, there was still all the Philharmonia music to tape together. i ended up excusing myself for the first half of music history. special thanks to Elizabeth for helping me make the assembly line faster - with her help everything was done in about 40 minutes. went back to class but actually didn't get a laptop this time, cuz i felt like just sitting and relaxing, even if it means listening to lecture =). went to composition class and showed Lefko the beginning of my second string trio... it wasnt as bad as i thought, but theres still lots of revisions i have to make. had a two-hour break before the women's choir reading session... talked with Andrea (she finally appeared again!) outside the music building for a while, then went to the Botannical Garden to take a nap under a tree (to make up for the previous night's lack of sleep). woke up after half an hour of high-quality rest, then talked on the phone with Elizabeth on her way back to Hedrick. walked around the garden for a while, played with some squirrels =), then went back to SMB for dinner. one of the best things about having a locker on campus is that i always have a good supply of cup noodles when i need them. and being stuck on campus all day is a good occasion. found Ammon sitting outside near the microwave, also eating cup noodles (yep, we're definitely composers hehe) and joined him. then went to the reading session. even though we didn't get through the whole piece, it turned out quite well. who knows, if enough people want to volunteer, we might even put our pieces on our recital program. went straight to Catalyst afterwards, since it was right across the street. came back at around 9PM, made shaved ice w/ Jane (i guess that can count as part of my dinner too?). Elizabeth Mariko and Tracy came to visit later at night to chill and study. we didn't get to the ice though cuz it was getting late. but i still have one more mango, so its defintely gonna happen in the next few days.

Today - breakfast with Josh and Jane. walked to campus with Sara and Yune. practiced piano without anything else to worry about, since i can finally take a break from composing. actually, not quite. the revisions for the string trio are due tomorrow - it shouldn't take long though. then there's that wind ensemble piece that's due a few days after the recital. i guess i can't exactly relax yet. but for now, i have a few hours to kill and i don't want to start composing just yet. hmm... i haven't gone car-hunting in a while. and i hear Bel-Air calling my name.......

05/05: after another couple days of intense work, i'm glad to say that i'm near the finishing stages of all this music preparation madness. my second orchestra piece, titled "Forty Years" (continuing the journey of "Exodus") is finished, and the score/parts are all complete (except for binding and taping, which i will do at school). the score for "Exodus" is slowly appearing out of the printer next to me right now, one page at a time. the only problem left with my orchestra pieces is that there are only two horns and no bass trombone at my recital, meaning i'll have to revise much of the brass section to make sure all the important notes are covered. but of course, i can't do that until i get back to school and reunite with my computer tomorrow night. as for all the smaller-ensemble pieces, everything is done except "Kontraos", which still needs a bit of editing before i'm confident enough to distribute it. again, that has to wait until i have Sibelius access. i just finished assigning all the performers the pieces they will be playing... its pretty much randomly selected and i hope it works out well.

sooo it's been a really long time since i updated about anything besides music. sorry if you're one of those people that called/emailed me recently and didnt get a reply from me until waaaay later... i've been way too busy to think about anything else. of course, i'm gonna have to get used to being busy (perhaps even worse than this), but as far as i can see now, my time-management (physically and mentally) skills during "Forty Years" have already improved dramatically since "Exodus", and at this rate it's only gonna get better. so anyways, here's the week5 update.

Monday - breakfast with Ran. sacrificed piano pratice to compose. went to classes. walked back with Doris, got Rendezvous with Doris Lisa and Tammy and ate in the lounge. is it just me or is this my first dinner in the lounge this whole schoolyear? composed at night, talked on the phone with Vanessa. Tuesday - breakfast with Josh. practiced piano very hard and composed a little (in the practice room). classes. more composing. IV dinner, Catalyst - our first gender-specific meeting. personality-wise i'm definitely not a typical guy, but a meeting like this definitely helped a lot. walked back with Janelle Rock Tammy and Yiki. composed n talked w/ Elizabeth. Wednesday - breakfast with Ran and Jane, then with Victoria and Lani. sacrificed piano practice again to compose, but it was worth it, cuz i finished the piece just in time to show the class that afternoon. dinnered with Richard Jason Doris and Joanne. composed at night (yes i finished already, but there's still a lot of details to finalize). Jane came over to study, and actually studied without being overcome by the temptation to sleep on the couch =). Thursday - breafkast with Josh. lesson & classes. special thanks to everyone in composition class for stalling so i didn't have to present at the end, cuz i had no time at all to start my new trio. dun worry, i'll have something ready by Tuesday. dinnered with Elizabeth and Jane @ Rieber. we went to Rieber cuz afterwards the guys from Tuesday's meeting were supposed to meet up again for dinner, but apparently that never happened. *confused*. owellz... i was too busy to figure out why anyways.

i do have one guess though, and it has a lot to do with a guy named Spiderman. the whole world seemed to be gone that night to watch Spiderman3. then there were the few lonely ones who had midterms the next day and had to study. what made it worse was that with an orchestra piece on my mind i was in absolutely no mood to study. things turned out very well at the end though. Elizabeth Mariko and Jane came over and we enjoyed some awesome mango shaved ice =). i was kinda experimenting with it, but it turned out highly successful, meaning it will definitely happen again as soon as this week, since i still have two mangos left in the fridge. if you want to provide mangos (or any other fruit), i'd love to make ice for you any day =). so anyways, we had shaved ice and took a million pictures, then all shifted to academic mode for a huge study party until midnight. that definitely helped me get a lot of work done. you guys know i study best when there's people next to me also studying, even if its not the same subject. so yea, i miraculously went through all of my history notes before going to sleep. Friday - breakfast with Josh and Jane. studied for the last hour before the midterm, then went to take it. i guess by this point i've taken enough history classes to be able to predict how difficult an exam will be. then again, i was still quite nervous, since i don't think i've ever studied so little for a history test. but luckily it turned out every bit as easy as i expected, so as long as the prof isn't an insanely hard grader, i'm pretty sure i owned it =). lunched with Tammy, it's ridiculous that i haven't had onion rings for over a month already. two Fridays ago they ran out before i got any, last week i was in Beverly Hills, and this week they simply didn't have any at all. what da heck!! owellz... it's unhealthy anyways. hehe... spent the whole afternoon editing scores with the help of Elizabeth who kept me company by doing origami =). ohh and she got me a smoothie. thanks! =). i guess after doing it so many times, editing scores simply doesn't take as long as it used to anymore... i finished everything except percussions by around 6, then dinnered with Elizabeth @ Deneve. yep, we chose the farthest dining hall just for the heck of it. hehe... came back to do even more editing. meanwhile Elizabeth and Mariko went to check out Spring Sing from outside the fence, and eventually came to visit me - with another smoothie! =)=). i feel way too spoiled... but i guess i'll accept it as a congratulations-on-finishing-your-composition gift. left school at the usual time, took Brian home, then came home myself.

today - somehow managed to sleep til about 11AM. i guess staring at music notes on a computer screen for hours every day is more exhausting than i thought. but still, its great to feel well-rested again, just in time for more work. i didn't have to go teach until 5 today, and from the moment i woke up until i left to go teach, i dedicated myself to taking advantage of the printer/copier at home to make all of the "Exodus" and "Forty Years" scores and parts. with the recital coming up very soon, i need to save as much money as possible, and avoiding having to pay the computer labs to print hundreds of pages is definitely a good start. then again, maybe i just have better places to spend that money. after teaching i had dinner w/ Ken at Banana Bay. it's been a while since i saw him since we were both busy, and we had a lot of stuff to talk about. its awesome that we know each other so well that its so easy to transition from deep conversation to casual talk and back without any awkwardness. and it definitely helped that i got a break from thinking about music for once. of course, i'm only partially done and there's plenty more work to do tomorrow. i'm hoping to be back at school by 8 or 9, so i can finish the last bit of editing for my recital. then it's time to tape a few hundred sheets of paper together. if anyone has nothing to do, i can definitely use a few extra hands for multiple efficiency. consider it simply a slightly more cumbersome way of hanging out with friends. and if things get done quickly enough, i'll even make some shaved ice =).

05/03: ...taking a moment to reflect from the little world inside my head where I found "Exodus" (3/26/07 entry). From the moment I found out there was going to be a second orchestra reading, I knew this world would invite me back much sooner than I had expected. The transition was difficult, especially with knowledge from the previous journey that coming here would partially disconnect me from my physical world. I began the continuation of “Exodus” as early as Spring Break, but felt discontent with it and laid it aside for weeks while working on other music. I eventually found interest in it again and resumed progress. Last Sunday night I gave myself an “unrealistic” goal of finishing the compositional process before I go home on Friday. To my surprise, a few incredible mornings of good concentration and inspiration (at the expense of sacrificing my morning piano practice time) resulted in the completion of the piece yesterday (Wednesday) morning, just in time to present for the first time in Professor Chihara’s class. Positive feedback from the lass continues to motivate me as I pursue the tedious process of editing the score and parts.

The piece is due next Wednesday, with the reading session the following Tuesday. But my own aim for this still untitled work extends beyond it to my own senior recital (5/21). In fact, letting the music write itself (just like “Exodus”) resulted in a 6-7 minute piece, far too long for this reading session. I’ll most likely have only a part of it read, knowing I’ll eventually have a full recording of it after my recital. My contentment with this piece has convinced me earlier this week to give up the idea of squeezing out a third movement in time for the recital, since it will not only be a nearly impossible task on my part but will also be troublesome for the performers who will not have enough time to learn it. My (“unrealistic”) goal now is to have all the editing (score and parts) done, as well as revise a few details both for this piece and for “Exodus” for the recital before I go home tomorrow night.

Planning for the recital is coming together quite well, despite still needing a few more performers to fill in missing sections. I’m thankful beyond words for all the effort Ammon is putting into organizing everything while I focus mainly on getting my own part done. By the time I come back to school after the weekend, all the parts should be ready to distribute. The only other thing on my mind is tomorrow’s history midterm, which I haven’t exactly started studying for yet.

Speaking of history, it’s probably not surprising that I’m sitting in lecture right now typing this. I came to campus today completely unprepared; I’ve never practiced piano this little in a schoolweek before, and I have almost nothing to show Professor Lefkowitz in composition class. But a part of me believes its okay, because here in this world of my head, there are more important things to deal with first. God has been incredibly kind to me this week, helping me be creative when I needed to and providing me with enough precious silence around me to keep me from getting distracted. To make things better, this morning’s piano lesson turned out to be simply incredible. I don’t think I’ve felt so focused on performing music this whole schoolyear, and the way it miraculously came together reminded me that as long as I try my best, God will always provide enough time for me to accomplish the many things I need to do. I pray that I can continue to stay focused and inspired as I spend the next couple days studying and editing music.

Of course, I have to give myself a break sooner or later, and if all goes as planned, tomorrow night will be a time to celebrate. So if anyone is in the mood for some SHAVED ICE, come over tomorrow night and I’ll make some for you. The mangos probably won’t last until next week, so come before it’s too late! =)