08/29: planning for the UCLA Area Trip has been going surprisingly well. so far, my living situataion is already taken care of, and so is the whole parking problem - in fact, my weekend permit should already be prepared for me by the time i arrive Friday night. yes, this trip will cost me quite a bit, considering i have to count in gas, parking, food, and whatever expenses i may have. but hey, now that i'm working, i can treat myself to a little fun right? even if it seems crazy, the truth is that the total cost of this trip shouldn't be more than about what i can earn in a single day of work. and i'm definitely willing to sacrifice a day of work to have this much fun. the only things i still need to do are (1) figure out exactly what i'm gonan do this weekend and when they'll happen, and (2) pack everything. i've already put together a huge checklist in case i end up forgetting anything, and tomrorow night i'm intentionally not making plans to go out after work so i can eat at home one last time before i leave for the weekend, and also have the whole night to pack and prepare.

anywyays, quick update on this past week. lets rewind back to um... Saturday? yea, somewhere around there. got to hang out with Jenny and Christina again - their summers are almost ending, and we all wanted to meet up once more before school starts (at least for them hehe). we chilled at Jenny's house in the afternoon, then went with her to worship practice at her church. Christina had to leave, but i got to stick around and join the team for dinner at Apo Apo. funny name for a restaurant (obviously Asian), especially cuz their logo is - any guesses? - an apple! hahaha... special thanks to everyone in the team for letting me join =). and we finished early enough that i still made it to PACT without being all that late. had an awesome talk with Baldwin afterwards... told him a lot about my job and the struggles related to it. we rarely get to talk this much, but it's always great to know that he's always there for me, and a lot of the stuff we talked about really helped.

Sunday - played for Robert's worship team and stuck around after church to help set up for the Claymusic concert - i don't know about the rest of the people, but i get extremely excited when it comes to having a concert at my own church, not only cuz lots of people will come, but cuz we're free to pretty much do whatever we want in terms of setting up. and to my surprise by the time i got to the sanctuary there were already people working very hard making the stage look exactly like i wanted - risers for all the instrumentalists, with a special raised platform for the drums in the middle. having a familiar sound system also helps a lot, since we were actually able to soundcheck and fix all the problems on time (trust me, we've had way too many bad experiences with techincal difficulties). i guess the only downside to this concert is that we didn't get as many people as the previous two concerts, probably cuz of the awkward timing - people are either starting school, getting ready for another week of work, or busy with other church events that conflict with the concert. but still, it went extremely well. afterwards we went to eat at Coconut Bay - oh my gosh, it has really become the new Banana Bay!! seriously... its pretty much a Claymusic tradition to celebrate at Banana Bay after concerts - and this time we switched places! we got to eat with the Origin Productions team from Taiwan... didn't have too much time to talk to them though cuz i didn't wanna stay out too late. half of us left early cuz we had to wake up early the next morning.

then suddenly another week of work began. all the excitement from mthe concert made it hard for me to sleep well, so i felt pretty lightheaded most of the time. so far, every day this week i got surprised with some form of cold drink to make up for the hot weather, and it really really helped. today was especially crazy - 109 degrees, according to Terrance. i drank a gatorade, an iced tea, and 32 cups of water, and still found myself wanting more. but at least its healthy =). and today we actualyl ended quite early - so i drove home for a quick 5-minute shower before going out to dinner with Cristina and Jennifer. we went to Olive Garden - amazing food as usual, much of which i can still feel in my stomach as i write. had an awesome time talking over the food - we're definitely planning to hang out again, maybe as soon as next week! =). but we'll see... so far i have way too much on my mind just trying to organize the Area Trip.

so yea, i guess this will be my last update before i come home on Sunday night. if needed, i can stay in LA an extra day too, assuming i don't have work on Monday (i'll make sure about that first). don't forget, if you're in LA and want me to visit and i haven't talked to you yet, then i probably don't know you're there in the summer, so please remind me! also if any of the Car-Parazzi guys wanna hang out, i'm definitely gonna be in Beverly Hills either Saturday or Sunday, so let me know when you guys are gonna be there! with that said, i guess it's time for me to shut up. i know its a bit early, but have a great weekend, and see you when i come back from LA! =)

08/26: Wiston Group, week 4.

The more time I spend working at Wiston Group, the more I find myself asking why God specifically decided to place me in a warehouse rather than in a grocery store or fast-food restaurant as I had expected. As I mentioned last week, much of it has to do with the time commitment involved, since it makes this character-building experience take up the majority of the time I spend awake rather than simply be a part of my everyday routine. The things I do at work are also very different. In fact, if I had known how hard it is to perform so many physically-demanding tasks for hours straight in a place where the temperature is often nearly unbearable, I may not have accepted Michael’s offer. But God purposely used the first month of summer to increase my desire for a job to a point where I would say yes to just about anything, and only after doing so did He open the doors to the place He has provided for me. The warehouse also differs from the places I applied to work at in that I don’t get to deal with a large number of customers coming and going regularly. Aside from running errands in the morning and dealing with occasional deliveries and will-call visits, my entire workday revolves around the same few people in the same place. It’s definitely good in its own way; as I mentioned before, I always love to surround myself with other people and by doing so I end up reinforcing my own pride. I believe God put me in the warehouse so I would have fewer distractions when I need to focus on doing my work and letting Him work in me.

As I’ve understood from the beginning, the decision to fight evil with good in my life will not immediately lead to victory – first I must commit to fighting the battle, during which there will have to be sacrifices. In the warehouse, one thing that all of us seem to struggle at least a little with is maintaining composure while under pressure. As workers whose workloads vary significantly depending on how many sales are made and how difficult the orders are to pack, we often find ourselves in shock at the realization that there’s far more to do than we can handle. This is especially true when it’s getting close to the end of the workday and we all want to go home. Every one of us has made major mistakes in these past weeks, and almost all of them take place near the end of the day. Of course, we are in no position to complain, especially knowing that we’re working under a boss who not only makes sure we do our job, but understands how we feel because during the busiest times he’s almost always outside helping us with packing. Even he, when faced with pressure, has made crucial mistakes, and those mistakes remind us that none of us are perfect. For me, the times when there seems to be more work than we can handle are the times when my imperfections are made most clear. I often find myself extremely frustrated when leaving work after a long or difficult day, and it often results in overly aggressive driving or me losing my temper too easily.

The ones who suffer from this most are my family members, who are usually the first people I communicate with after I leave work. Sometimes when I’m overly frustrated, I lose control of myself completely, forcing everything around me to work for the good of my own pride. Just this past week alone, I hurt my family more than I’ll ever be able to repay, and it took several days before I was able to admit that I was wrong. At one point, my mom told me I should quit the job if it makes me so frustrated. That thought has definitely crossed my mind more than once. But I forced myself to swallow it each time, knowing God didn’t provide me with a job so I can end up quitting. The following day, I was greeted with a few surprisingly kind words and even a treat from Michael, and they left me almost at the conclusion that the people I work with are all schizophrenic. Ultimately, the problem is that I’m still too focused on myself, and that’s why I’m always so concerned about how people see me and treat me. One kind word can make my day, but even a slightly demanding tone can leave me extremely angry. It’s impossible for everyone to always be unusually kind to me; I get frustrated when faced with a lot of work, and so do they. If I expect kindness and respect from everyone around me, then at the end I’m only clinging on to the very pride I’m working to get rid of.

Through this week’s incidents, I’ve realized that I need to learn to catch my frustration before it grows to a level beyond my control. Times of frustration are inevitable, but my attitude can determine the outcome. As I mentioned earlier, I already knew that in order to let this battle continue, there may be great sacrifices involved. By hurting my family, in the end I also hurt myself, and I can only pray that just as I allowed the devil to gain ground, I will stand on God’s side so that we can win the ultimate victory. I know that my character will be much stronger by the time summer ends, but how God will take all of my strengths and weaknesses and use them to write this story is far beyond my understanding.

I realized this week that as hard as it is to believe, my time at Wiston Group is already about halfway over. At this point, I’ve learned to do pretty much all of my daily tasks easily, and it’s no longer the tasks themselves that keep me surprised, but the order in which they come and the quantity I have to do. I’m still trying hard to remember that God has placed me here to learn, and that when things become routine or difficult, my character will grow even more. But I’ve also realized that learning to persevere involves more than just doing the same things repeatedly over an extended period of time. In fact, God has already shown me an outline of his overall lesson plan for me.

First, I need to admit that I’m no longer considered a new worker. I often use the fact that I’m new as an excuse from doing things I don’t want to do, convincing myself that since everyone else is more experienced, they should be able to handle the tasks better. It definitely feels nice to be in a position where I’m not expected to know anything and can always wait to be assigned work rather than taking initiative myself. But more knowledge cannot be handled properly without more responsibility, and I’m at the point where I need to start paying more attention to the needs around me and fulfilling them without being asked to do so. Being more experienced can also be a good thing, since I can be entrusted with more than I could when I was new. In fact, this Monday Terrance will take a day off, which means that in the morning I’ll be the only one at the warehouse. I’ve never had to take so much responsibility over the warehouse before, and I’m sure it will be an excellent opportunity to learn to step up.

Because this is only a summer job, I have no intention of eventually moving up to higher positions like most people would when they work for a company. But in a sense, my role is changing. I was extremely surprised when I found out earlier this week that Eugene, who comes after lunch and works with me every day, will be leaving in the middle of September. Michael knows that it is impossible for Terrance and me to handle all the afternoon tasks on our own, so he is actively seeking to hire new workers already. When that happens, Terrance will start to train him just like he did with me. And just as everyone welcomed me and helped me when I was new, I will have to do the same. I will have to answer his questions and help him fix his mistakes. It will take time before he can work at the same pace as the rest of us, and during that time I must be patient. It seems difficult for me to do, considering how much I already struggle with maintaining composure when faced with too much work. But it only made me realize how kind everyone has been to me, bearing with my mistakes often at the expense of everyone’s time and forgiving me when I mess up. God has meticulously created a lesson plan for me so that as my character grows, my responsibility will also increase. I came with no experience at all, but by the time I leave I will be the most experienced other than Terrance himself.

As the week reached its end, God knew we were exhausted and needed a break. Friday was an extremely easy day, with excellent weather and very little orders to fulfill. Michael even surprised us with drinks, reminding me once again that he sees us as more than just workers. For the first time in what seemed like forever, we were able to relax while working at a casual pace knowing everything was under control. Then again, maybe God gave us a break because it will be a long time before we can have another one like it. But either way, I must believe that He will not give me more than I can handle, and if I allow Him to work in me even when faced with frustrating tasks, in the end my character will be rewarded.

08/24: Friday night. as most of u know, its been a pretty turbulent week, and from it i already learned so much, even though there's still plenty more to learn. last night i went to Macaroni Grill right after work for Steph(Lee)'s goodbye dinner, which she knew nothing about until she got there =). after that we went to Shaw's house to chill, but i didn't stay long cuz i wanted to get home and rest. turned out i actually got very ltitle rest, since i ended up having an awesome conversation with my mom about some of the stuff that happened earlier in the week (and a lot of the problems i cause in general)... i know i've costed my family countless tears that they didn't deserve to cry, since they did nothing wrong at all. i'm just so out of control that at times i simply don't care, and i'm desperately finding a way to prevent those times from happening. i ended up apologizing even though i've always been scared to do so, since to me an apology implies one's intention to try to not make the same mistake again, and these problems are way beyond what i have control over. but at this point, things are at peace once again, and i really hope it can stay that way without me ruining it again.
,br> so anyways, i have plenty to write about work this week, but i'm gonna save that for another entry, since it's already pretty late at night. but for now, i have to make one important announcement that i just found out about earlier tonight. the UCLA AREA TRIP has been confirmed and will go as planned!! seriously, it was a big surprise to me too, since i really didn't have time to plan it out, not to mention make arrangements for a place to live. i'm not gonna put the details of who and where yet, but the plans are pretty much settled, meaning the trip will actually happen. for those who don't know what i'm talking about, this will be my biggest "area trip" so far, spanning several days filled with activities. i've promised many people that i'll try my best to visit them at ucla this summer, and that promise will finally be kept. i'm heading over to UCLA this coming Friday night (August 31) after work, so i'll probably arrive at around 8-9PM, depending on traffic. i'd love to grab a late dinner and hang out the whole night before going to sleep. Saturday i'm all free to hang out, except for a few hours in the afternoon when i'll treat myself to a trip to Beverly Hills - come on, if i'm already driving all the way to LA, i have to at least get a few good pictures =). so if any of you CP guys are gonna be there that day, please let me know. if necessary, i can change that trip to Sunday too, cuz i'm not sure if i'll also go to SCS or not. we'll see... so far the plan is to stay in LA until Sunday night, but i'm pretty sure i don't have work Monday either (since its a long weekend), so if i really need to stay an extra night, i'm open to the idea. we'll see... so yea, the point is that there's so much to do and so many people to visit in so little time, so if i haven't told u about the trip yet and you're in LA that weekend, then let me know so i can visit you too =). ok, with that said, it's time for me to shut up n go sleep. goodnight!

08/22: Wednesday morning. yea i know, i typically don't spend my mornings writing journal entries. but this one is just a little bit different i guess. technically i'm expected to be at work already right now, even though usually at this time i'm still at home. i guess you can consider this the first time i blatantly disobeyed my boss. i won't get into all the details now, but it definitely feels weird - usually when i start the day, i'm completely at peace, reflecting on God's greatness and eager to start a new day of hard work. but when i wake up knowing i'm doing something wrong already, my heart is already hardened. actually, it wouldn't have been that bad if i did exactly what i was told to do. but no, i'm not allowed to. did you guys know i had a pet dragon? some of you have heard about her, and a few of you have even seen her. actually, i wouldn't exactly call her my pet anymore. if anything, it's the other way around. when she seizes me to ride on her back as she flies, i have no other choice. when she demands me to feed her, i must do so. and through her i've caused much more damage than i can ever repay. sure, it may sound like an excuse to get the blame off myself. but i'm definitley not joking if you're willing to believe me - if i had a choice, i would have stopped her a long time ago. but the battle is much harder than what i can handle alone. last night, i was once again taken under her control, during which i hurt not only myself, but some of the people i love the most. i see their tears, but i'm not allowed to apologize or even let my emotions connect to theirs. God, why did You choose me to fight this battle? how long do i have to fall victim to what i have no control over? please, let Your will be done, and help me not to give up. it's time for me to go to work now. if it's still possible, let this day be glorifying to You...

08/19: SNU time again =). it's been quite an exciting weekend - yesterday i didn't have to teach, so i was able to make worship practice with Garland's team. it's his last time leading, and i'm glad he told me way ahead of time so i could promise to be there. i'm definitely gonna miss this team a lot, but most of us will still see each other regularly, or at least once in a while. practiced from 11:30-1:00, then helped out with some random setup/decoration stuff before watching the amazing Ben Li perform at his senior recital! yes, i get to brag about being his cousin =). saw lots of people i haven't seen in a long time, including David who just got back from Baltimore. if i don't have work every day during the week, i would definitely take him out to Beverly Hills to get a glimpse of the so-cal automotive lifestyle that he's been missing out on. speaking of cars, i'm starting to become more and more certain that the Skyline i saw on Wednesday (8/15 entry) isn't just any ordinary race-spec Skyline. in fact, it appears the car actually belongs to the famous driver Sushko. i'm still trying hard to do more research, but everything i'm finding so far seems to prove my assumption to be true. anyways, back to Saturday. after the recital, we all stayed around for reception, then went home for dinner (boba!) before going to PACT. they all went to Denny's afterwards, but it was already really late so i didn't go. iono... i guess my priorities have shifted a bit since i got a job - now it's kinda the same as my life at school - making every effort to have fun when i should, while having full control of self-discipline when needed, especially when it comes to bedtime. and i knew i had to sleep well, cuz today was quite tiring too. worship and service was awesome, and afterwards i stayed at church for the last rehearsal before the Claymusic concert. yes, the LAST rehearsal! i sitll have a lot to work on, but at least for the first time everything actually came together decently. for those who area interested, the concert is a week from today - Sunday night 8/26, 7PM @ GCCI (in Hacienda Heights). the new songs are definitely challenging to me, mostly cuz they make very good use of both keyboard simultaneously, meaning i'll have to be extremely focused but also not nervous (cuz then i'll screw up for sure).

phew, that was a long paragraph. i guess i just kept forgetting to push enter until now =). so anyways, practice ended around 6:30, and i made it to Baldwin's house for the Worship Appreciation Dinner just in time as everyone was starting to eat. we had an awesome time of sharing afterwards - just imagine a typical winter retreat open-mic session, but with a much smaller and more closely-knit group (since we're all worship team members). at the end EVERYONE talked. it was awesome... some people mentioned that if it wasn't for an occasion like this, we might never have looked back and realized how much we've grown in the area of worship through music. and i totally agree. as much as i feel like i've thought about my life far more than necessary, apparently i've left this part out. worship has always been a big part of my life, and i think it's extremely important to look back and thank God for how much i've grown and matured musically and spiritually, as well as think about all the issues behind being a 'church musician'. in fact, i've already thought about it for a while, and as i continue to do so, i'll make myself write an entire entry about it. yes,it's gonna be one of those long entires that most people won't bother reading unless they're really bored (or they really care about my life? =) ). but then again, those are the entries that are closest to my heart, and they're the ones that i'll look back on for years to come and be blessed by most. so yea... as soon as i have time, i'll start working on that. but for now, its time to shut up and get ready for another week of work. goodnight!

08/17: Wiston Group, Week Three.

It's amazing to think that I've worked in the warehouse for three whole weeks already. This week was filled with surprises, most of which weren't exactly desirable to me, but some of which definitely made up for the rest of them. The problem with clinging on to people's weaknesses pretty much disappeared once I realized my own flaws and made an effort to correct them. And as a result, the people I work with actually seem much nicer, not because they've changed, but because I no longer define them by the things they do that I don't like. I'm pretty sure that by thinking positively about people, I naturally treat them better when I see them. There's a few people I work with that smile every time they see me, and it helps brighten my day no matter how much work I have to do. I wish to do the same to others, giving them a glimpse of God's joy amidst hard work.

On Wednesday morning, I was informed that because the warehouse workers have been constantly leaving and getting replaced by new people, Terrance has felt extremely tired recently from having to train us and answer so many questions all the time. I felt quite bad for being part of the cause of this problem, but I was also told that my workload would increase quite significantly, from the moment I get to work every morning. It wasn't that I did anything wrong, besides the fact that Michael expects me to work faster, but since I'm the one in charge of opening the warehouse and have the first hour almost entirely to myself, I have no choice but to make sure everything's in good shape by the time Terrance arrives. I felt a bit uncomfortable at first when greeted with so many unexpected commands in the morning, but I tried my best to treat them as a lesson of obedience. And as the day passed, I realized what I was doing was part of Michael's plan to reorganize the way things work in the warehouse to create more efficiency, which would result in us all being able to leave work earlier.

Almost all the orders we have to fulfill come after lunch, and on a typical day there would be a bunch of ordersin which a few items were not in stock, and one of the drivers would have to go pick up the items from other vendors, often resulting in a long trip since there's so many places to pick them up from. Sometimes, both drivers would leave, and Terrance and I would be the only ones left in the warehouse, struggling to complete everything we needed to do. The missing items usually didn't arrive until after 6PM, during which we all must quickly receive them, complete the orders they belong in, and frantically pack everything so we could go home. Michael knew that in order to help us get our work done earlier every day, it would take some adjusting both on our part and on his. For us, it's to work harder and faster. For him, it's to arrange the orders so that the drivers wouldn't have to go to the farther vendors, and that missing stock would arrive earlier. Sometimes, he would come to the warehouse to help us pack too, and it always encourages me to see a boss who is willing to humble himself and work alongside the lowest of his workers. His goal is to have two or three people working in the warehouse at all times, which means he's probably going to hire another full-time worker. I definitely hope that happens soon, since every additional person makes an enormous difference. But even with the people we have, Michael's plan seems to be working. Even though the past few days have been extremely busy, we were able to finish our work about half an hour earlier than usual, giving us some time to relax and even prepare for the next morning before we left.

On Thursday morning, I was assigned my farthest driving task so far, during which I got lost and spent a lot of time asking for directions. I always enjoy the feeling of being free on my own while knowing I'm still being responsible as an employee. But knowing that we were supposed to work harder than we did before, I felt a bit guilty for wasting time on the road. When I returned to the warehouse, I apologized for the delay, and was immediately told not to worry about it. From the day I was first handed the keys to the company van, I was told to take my time and not rush. Even when we're in a rush to pick up items, everyone puts the composure and safety of the drivers above the company's needs. Sure, it may seem like common sense, but in the fast-paced money-driven culture we live in today, it's so easy to forget how others feel and focus on one's own desires. I've heard many stories about employees filled with fear at being unable to fulfill their boss' demands, and it makes me once again thankful to be in an environment where I'm respected not only as a worker, but as an individual just like everyone else. And the fact that I tend to frequently struggle with focusing too much on my own desires makes me even more thankful to have a humble job like this.

It's Friday night, and this is the first Friday since I started working that I didn't arrange to hang out with any friends. Sure, it felt a little weird at first. But I definitely appreciate having some free time to myself, during which I can reflect on the past week of work. Throughout the week, there was one moment, which took place Monday evening, that kept reappearing in my head. I was moving a huge piece of rough wood back inside the warehouse before closing, and Jerry came to help, specifically telling me to be careful with my fingers. He's probably the only one in the warehouse who understands the value of these fingers, since his are no different from mine. That night, I listened to a few of my orchestral compositions from the past schoolyear before going to sleep, and found my mind filled with great memories of what seems like a life completely separate from my life now.

I'm starting to understand more and more why God gave me a full-time job rather than something part-time as I had expected. Much of my pride comes from my choice of who I spend my time with. People love me as a family member, fellow Christian, good friend, talented musician, or simply someone fun to hang out with, and these positive traits become affirmed through spending time with them. In a sense, it's not really a big problem, since relationships don't happen unless there's something that holds the people together. But what makes my job in the warehouse amazing is that for the first time in as long as I can remember, the things that hold together my relationships with the people I interact with do not revolve around myself in any way that I can take pride in. To those who work with me in the warehouse, I'm just another employee playing my role in the company. To the others - will-call customers, truck drivers, and workers in other companies where I go to pick up stock - I'm just another near-minimum-wage employee working hard for some money and experience. By forcing me to work nine to ten hours every day, God left me with no time to take pride in anything other than the very situation He placed me in. And I'm sure that by the time I complete my work at Wiston Group, my attitude and priorities will be completely changed.

But of course, I can't help but ask God "what about music?" Was it not the same God who took me on the journey to becoming a music major, guided me as I composed pieces that reflects my passion beyond what words can describe, and promised me that as long as I trust Him, everything will work for good? That's why Monday's incident meant so much to me. For the first time, I was reminded of my identity outside of the warehouse - an artist full of ambition. I still have a symphonic work to finish writing, and I'm yet to find out the exciting life of music God will lead me to. At this point, I believe God has called me to lay that life aside and devote my time to dealing with other important issues outside of music. I'm sure one day my humbling experiences as a low-class worker and my life as a musician will come together, and everything will make sense as one story. But for now, I can only pray and continue to have faith that God has everything planned out for me.

As I've realized since my first day at the warehouse, each day of work is like a battle; I'm always faced with unexpected and undesirable challenges, and one by one I must learn to overcome them. The good thing about these battles is that at the end of each one, I will not only survive, but look back and realize how much I've learned and grown. Even if I allowed my selfishness to take over, purposely leaving hard work to others and choosing the easiest way for myself, the very realization of where I took the wrong turn is itself a step of progress. I pray every morning for God to purify my attitude, bless my relationship with the people I work with, and, if He is willing, to keep the temperature down and not give me an overwhelming amount of work. But if it's not His will, then I must accept the battle as the very one God has assigned me to, and give my all to strive for victory. When I acknowledge that every situation I'm in is part of God's plan, I'm able to wake up every day looking forward to the challenges I may face. And with that same attitude, I thank God for a weekend to rest and look forward to another week of work.

08/15: mid-week update. very awesome week so far - a good blend of hanging out with friends, intimacy with God, and plenty of hard work. these past couple days of work have been probably some of the most intense so far. aside from the crazy weather, we're all being forced to work a bit harder than before - but i trust that Michael's wisdom comes from God, and at the end the hard work really pays off. in a sense, he's reorganizing how things work in the warehouse so we can all be more efficient - and the good thing about that is that even on difficult days, we'll all be able to go home a bit earlier. and that's something i definitely appreciate. i'll save the details for the weekly work update later this week. but for now i'll move on.

on Sunday at around midnight i was just about to hop in bed when i remembered there was that whole meter shower thingy... wutever its called. but i knew there were shooting starts, and even though the peak time was an hour ago, i still thought it was worth a try. saw some of the biggest shooting stars i've ever seen... it was totally amazing. i prayed outside in the backyard rather than in my room like i usually do. on Monday night, i was suddenly prompted to listen to some recordings of music i wrote this past schoolyear. definitely brings back some interesting memories. extremely passionate ones... a kind a passion very different from the kind i'm experiencing nowadays. God has given me a little reminder of my love for music during work on Monday, but i'll write more about that later.

today i got to hang out with Cristina again. gosh, it's been soooo long. had dinner at some little Chinese food place - "Smile" something... i cant remember =). but yea, it was awesome, and we stayed there n talked for a really long time. she's one of those people that pretty much never runs out of stuff to say - which means we always have more to talk about than we have time for. that means we should hang out again next time =).

oltbisu. i got to run a few more errands this morning, and ended up once again finding a good excuse to sacrifice my lunch break. remember that Skyline i saw a couple weeks ago? i thought that was as good as it could get on this side of the Pacific Ocean... that is, until today. i was driving down Valley Blvd and suddenly came to the realization that I had just seen a white Skyline (R34). it was weird though, cuz i wasn't exactly focusing on looking for cars, so it didn't grab my attention right away. but somehow my brain did a flashback and told me there was a white R34 nearby. luckily i got a call to run an extra errand, during which i had to pass the same area. so this time i paid extra attention, and there it was, right before my eyes. and it's not just an ordinary white Skyline either. see for yourself...

08/12: can it be true? SNU's are back!? hehe... not really. i just feel like writing a little update before going to sleep. once the new workweek begins, who knows how much free time i'll have. but from what i've seen so far, Mondays usually aren't that bad in comparison to the rest of the week. we'll see...

soo about the weekend. Friday - got to hang out with Jessica(Lin) again, just like last week. went to dinner @ Ten Ren's, followed by a little shopping. seems like thats what we always do - some form of eating, followed by some form of shopping. not that i'm complaining =). didn't stay out too late this time cuz she was tired from work. actually so was i. but i didn't mind, cuz on Saturday i got to sleep past 8AM for the first time in um... two weeks? seems like forever. in fact, i actually woke up naturally at around 7:30 thinking it was probably 10 or 11 already. its always nice to realize there's more time to sleep =). went to teach piano, followed by rehearsal w/ Claymusic at PI. it was pretty tiring, but some awesome spicy chicken and boba always helps =). and i had lots of fun - since after transcribing so many scores i finally hear how it sounds with the other instruments. we all have a lot to work on, but as long as we can figure out our parts by next rehearsal (Sunday afternoon), it should be fine. came home, went with mom to do some grocery shopping and went around the Asian supermarkets where i learned a lot of new words, including "Poatato" and "Graphefruit". there was even one instance when they spelled "Budda" wrong. next time you wonder why non-Asians tend to stay away from Asian markets, just pay attention to their English labels =).

Today - no Sunday school cuz everyone is in México, so i got to sleep in once again =). went to church at 11 for service, followed by a huge lunch @ Coconut Bay. yes, Coconut Bay, not Banana Bay. i didn't know it existed until today. but it's pretty much identical to Banana Bay. went home afterwards and the heat made me fall in bed and fall asleep until evening. i dunno why i was so tired... after so much sleep i should be a bit more awake. at least i was awake after my mom brought home boba for dinner =). yep, that's two this weekend. makes me feel good about not getting one during dinner on Friday.

spent the rest of the night taking care of miscellaneus business and working on my room. yep, i'm making progress with my room once again. even after a long day of work, i'm usually still in the mood to be productive by doing stuff i like, including working on my room. the new car display shelf - an elaborate double-deck project that will be made entirely from scratch - is looking better every day, and i expect it to be at leasat halfway done by the end of this week. then again, it really depends how many times i go out at night after work. i have one night confirmed so far, and maybe more to come. we'll see... anyways, it's time for me to shut up and get ready to sleep. goodnight!

08/10: Wiston Group, week two.

When I first began working in the warehouse, I thought it would take a lifetime to learn the countless procedures I had to master, not to mention remembering where every item is located. Sure, I still find myself asking for help quite often. But devoting nine to ten hours a day to the job has helped me figure things out much faster than I thought was possible. Of course, the inevitable danger of getting used to the system is that it becomes quite routine. Fortunately I haven’t hit that point yet, but it's already becoming harder to maintain the positive attitude I had when I first began working. Contrary to what I had expected, there's really no point in doing day-by-day journals about my work anymore, since now it's more about the overall experience than the specific things I do, which are pretty much the same every day.

There were a few times this week when I got a bit frustrated at certain individuals who seem too demanding when assigning me tasks or too paranoid about me making mistakes when I know well enough that I'm doing just fine. Honestly, when it comes to the people I work with every day, I'm already thankful beyond what I can describe. But there's always those times when I realize people's weaknesses (or at least what I consider weaknesses) and cling on to them. And when most of my time at work is spent doing work that requires little mental attention, there's plenty of space for my mind to wander and think about whatever I want to. That's why attitude is so important here. I realized that it was extremely easy for me to start seriously disliking people when I let my mind dwell on their flaws. But I constantly try to remind myself of a few facts. First, much of what makes people sound so demanding is the fact that English is not their primary language. Sometimes when I feel like they sound unhappy, they're actually just speaking normally, but feeling a bit insecure with the language. Also, it's hard to always make an effort to sound extra nice when you're overwhelmed with a lot of work. I'm pretty sure the people in the office aren't any less busy than I am, and in the same way I find my frustration increasing with my workload, they have plenty to worry about too.

Basically, the daily routine in the warehouse reminds me of my day-to-day relationship with God. I wake up optimistic, often with a heart of worship or with scripture on my mind, ready to face a new day. As the day passes, that focus slowly falls away, getting defeated by circumstances that tempt me to sin time after time. At night, I often spend time gazing at the stars, remembering how small I am compared to God and being humbled by His greatness. I spend some time on my knees, asking God to forgive me for my sins and let me start over new when I wake up. In the same way, each day at work becomes increasingly difficult, eventually leaving me longing to go home and rest. Mornings are usually quite relaxing. It's always a nice feeling to be in charge of opening the warehouse and cleaning it up to get ready for a new day of hard work. There usually aren't too many orders to fulfill in the morning, and even when there are the weather makes the work environment quite comfortable. Sometimes I start putting myself in charge of organizing the inventory or cleaning more than necessary, and these little things contribute to making me feel much more at home in my workplace. Sometimes I even get to leave the warehouse to run local errands. It's always nice to get some fresh air, even though I'd much rather perform the driving tasks later in the day when it's hotter in the warehouse. At times I found myself envying the drivers, since they spend most of their time on the road rather than being stuck in the same place. But what erased that thought from my head was the realization that even when I'm going home after work, they still have to go make their final deliveries, making their workdays even longer than mine. The difficult work usually begins after lunch - many more orders to fulfill, combined with weather that definitely isn't comfortable. Again, it all boils down to attitude. Sometimes all it takes is one huge order to destroy my optimism. Sometimes seeing many partially-completed orders sitting on the shelf makes me frustrated, even though I know we're going to finish them all sooner or later. I'm glad I realized these weaknesses in myself, because only then can I attempt to fight against them.

For the most part, this week really wasn't as bad as I thought. Just like last week, I attended the Monday morning prayer/worship session before work, starting off the week with the right attitude. Even though there are less people working in the warehouse now, I still find many things to be thankful for. The weather overall wasn't nearly as bad as the first week, and that helped me work significantly faster. I realized that during my first week the company received a surprisingly low number of orders, giving me time to do things slowly and learn my job well. Wednesday was probably the most overwhelming day so far - one particular order in the afternoon took me over half an hour, during which I happened to be the only one in the warehouse. Meanwhile a huge stack of other orders came in, and we all ended up staying quite late to get everything done. From what I heard, we had more than a hundred orders that day. I guess what makes the work hard isn't the number of orders, but when they come in. Thursday was a pretty busy day too, except the orders were pretty evenly spread out, so it never felt too overwhelming. This morning there was about half an hour when I was by myself in the warehouse and had no orders to fulfill. As usual, I spent the time wandering around, occasionally cleaning little things and putting boxes in the right place. As I looked around, I prayed for the warehouse, the business, and for myself - it's always nice to refuel myself knowing that chances are the afternoon will bring much more work. God is constantly pointing out my weaknesses, which stem from the self-centered attitude that I intend to deal with through this humbling job. For example, sometimes I intentionally avoid orders that I know are difficult in favor of easier tasks that take up a lot of time, during which someone else would probably go fulfill it. I've always had a bad habit of avoiding responsibility by pretending to be unaware, but I know that in order to allow myself to truly grow in character, I must deal with this problem. And besides, I want to maintain a good relationship with my co-workers, and leaving them with the hardest tasks definitely isn't the best way to do so.

I got to spend some time talking with Michael after work today, during which he questioned me about what I've learned so far, and jokingly asked if working in his warehouse was like being in the military. In a sense, life in the warehouse does somehow resemble being in the military, but at a less extreme level of course. Many young Americans serve in the military not because they want to fight, but because of the discipline it brings. Even though the people I work for are extremely kind, I know I took the job because I need the discipline it brings - humility, obedience, endurance, the list goes on. The analogy is especially true when it comes to my relationship with my co-workers. We rarely have time to talk because there's so much work to do, but we bond through enduring the same tasks on a daily basis, and are naturally inclined to help each other out simply because we understand each other's work. Our main driver is leaving next week, and his replacement spent the day with us today, getting a glimpse of what he will be doing both on the road and in the warehouse. I found myself getting slightly frustrated because of some mistakes he made while packaging that led to a lot more work for me when printing the shipping labels. But suddenly I realized that in the same way I need to bear with his error, everyone else in the warehouse has already had to deal with countless problems I encountered (or caused) during my first few days. And I found myself once again thankful, humbled by the kindness of the people God has called me to work with, and eager to give the same kindness back to them.

To my surprise, this week has passed by extremely fast. Even after so much work, I was surprised this morning when I realized it was already Friday. God has been quite consistently throwing more and more curveballs at me, giving me time to learn but still leading me to a point where I'll be forced to grow. I've definitely entered that stage of growth already, and I pray that as I continue to see my own weaknesses and battle them, I will remember God's greatness and maintain the same humble and willing attitude that makes every day of work like my first day.

08/07: Quick update before going to sleep... got to have dinner with the SOLD gang @ Banana Bay, followed by some awesome frozen yogurt. seems like forever since we all met up together - at least most of us - and once we start talking about old memories that we shared, it can go on forever =). i would have stayed out even longer, but i've been keeping myself quite disciplined in order to stay alive during work. today was probably the busiest day so far, and having something to look forward to afterwards definitley helped =). anyways, here's a couple pics from Saturday-

08/05: As I prepare for another week of work at the Wiston Group warehouse, I can't help but think about how much my life has changed this past week. It's always an interesting experience to suddenly be in an entirely unfamiliar world and be required to adapt. The process involves countless joys and hardships, and in the first week, every day was filled with surprises.

Monday - The workday officially begins at 9:30 on Mondays instead of 9:00, since Michael, a devout Christian, wants to kick off each week with a time of prayer and worship. I joined him at 9, figuring it was a good opportunity for me not only to see how long it takes me to drive to work (to avoid being late when work actually begins at 9), but to start my time in Wiston Group by remembering how God faithfully brought me there. There couldn't have been a better way to start a new job. Terrance told me to join Chuck, the main driver, when he drove to a local vendor to pick up some orders. Chuck typically spends the day making long trips downtown, and the only other warehouse employee with a driver's license, Eugene, doesn't come until after lunch, so I was told that I may end up occasionally running errands durings mornings. I also got to meet my co-workers Jerry (a fellow music major who only works on Mondays) and Justin. As for the work itself, it wasn't all that bad, even though I'm sure much of that is due to the fact that everything was still so new. Terrance helped me locate most of the items on the shelves that I couldn't find while picking orders, even though usually I chose to take the time to find them myself, knowing it would help me remember their locations in the long run. In the afternoon, it was a little too hot for me to consider it comfortable, but it actually wasn't as bad as I expected. I left the building at around 6:30PM, and had a feeling my typical workday would be a bit longer than I expected. But I felt no desire to complain, since I was simply glad to have finally found a job like I've been wanting all summer.

Tuesday - Since Terrance doesn't arrive until 10, I was in charge of opening the warehouse and cleaning everything to prepare for the day's work. As a big fan of keeping everything neat, I enjoyed the work a lot. The afternoon was much more relaxing than Monday, since there were less orders to fulfill. I spent some time talking with Justin, and found out he went to Walnut High and knows a bunch of my friends. Unfortunately, it was his last day working in the warehouse. A little socializing always enhances hard work, and I wish to continue interacting with my co-workers and building relationships through work.

Wednesday - Since there wasn't much work to do in the morning, Terrance himself drove me around to show me several places I may have to visit occasionally to pick up orders in the morning. I was glad to know that because I could drive, we didn't have to wait until Eugene arrived every afternoon to run local errands. I got to meet Garris, the last warehouse employee I didn't meet yet. He also went to Walnut, and unfortunately his time at Wiston Group ended on Friday. When it comes to a job like this, every person plays an important role, and that means starting next week things will become much more difficult for me. Michael told me at this point what he needs are full-time employees who will not have to leave for school when summer ends. The more I thought about it, the more I realized it was truly God's blessing that I was accepted for the job. Even though I didn't leave for home until almost 7, I left looking forward to returning more than ever before.

Thursday - I was assigned my first driving task, which involved picking up orders at two local vendors. I still find it surprising that God granted me work that involves being on the road, but it's always nice to get to leave the warehouse for a little while. I was quite scared at first, and probably will be scared each time I visit a place I haven't gone to before, but tasks like this definitely add a lot more adventure to the job. In the warehouse, things are getting much easier as I familiarized myself with where everything is. Certain small tasks I seemed to have an abnormal amount of trouble with, such as handling the industrial tape dispensers, are also getting easier. The downside of getting the hang of everything is that it's much easier to breeze by simply tasks carelessly. In fact, I made my first "major" mistake today. Fortunately, the system of receiving, shelving, picking, invoicing, and packing inventory items involves many checkpoints to insure that the customers receive the right items. It's always easy to fall for the trap of using the fact that the company consists almost entirely of fellow children of God as an excuse to not take work as seriously. My supervisors at Wiston Group definitely let workers know when they make mistakes, but don't hold anything against them, knowing that accidents can always happen. In fact, throughout the week I realized that mistakes happen to everyone, and they happen quite often. I must admit that after the fourth day of working 9-10 hours, I'm feeling quite exhausted. But there are enough things to encourage me that it doesn't really matter.

Friday - The phrase "TGIF" suddenly means so much more to me than ever before. After a week of work, I can definitely use a few days of rest. Even aside from the fact that it was the end of the week, it was definitely the most difficult day so far. Not only was it much hotter than previous days, but there were also far more tasks to complete, with countless orders coming in and items to receive and put on the shelf. I've already been warned several times that Fridays will not be easy. It was the first day when I really felt like complaining at times, but forced myself to submit to my authorities. I must remind myself that this experience I asked God for and received will not be easy. Overall, this has been an easy week, so I'm sure things will be much tougher, especially with less people working starting next week. But through the week I've learned that everything ultimately boils down to my own attitude - if I remember God's greatness and purpose and allow myself to think positively, I can leave work every day with a thankful attitude.

I'm definitely still not used to the fact that now that I suddenly work full-time, I have almost no free time at all unless I choose to sacrifice the precious sleep needed to make the next day productive. And I'm no longer surprised when I have dreams about inventory shelves at night and wake up in the morning and feel slightly more sore than normal. No, a job like this definitely isn't what people normally would wish for. But as I've stated countless times, my situation is different, and I accept the job with plenty of purpose behind it. As crazy as it seems, this week has been the overall highlight of my summer so far. Not that hanging out with friends and having fun isn't good, but in everything that I've done up to this past week, there has been some extent of either guilt or anger involved. Sure, it isn't fun being forced to wake up every day and have almost no free time. But I'm definitely the kind of person that enjoys productivity. After a week of work, I feel the same way as I do when returning from long walks across entire cities. Deep inside I know I put my time to good use - I'm fulfilling God's purpose by living an answered prayer, and I'm finally able to spend money knowing I have a stable income. If that's not enough, I can always use a daily physical workout. With all these things in mind, this week was as productive as I could ever have imagined my summer to be. And with the help of friends who were willing to hang out after I finished work, I had plenty to look forward to outside my daily routine. This coming week will definitely bring plenty of new surprises, and it may not always be easy to remember that God has a purpose behind even the hardest times. But like I've learned this week and will continue to learn each day, it's all a matter of attitude, and I pray to enter my second week of work with the same attitude as the first.

08/05: as you probably figured, i won't be updating nearly as often as i used to anymore cuz i simply don't have the time (and energy) to do it. in fact, i'd love to fall into my bed right now and sleep - i'm sure i can fall asleep instantly, since i'm currently running on barely 4 hours of sleep. why? i'll get to it later. (or if you read the previous entry, you might know already).

this past week has been crazy in many ways. when it comes to doing hard labor for 9-10 hours a day, time can either fly by or seem to stop completely - its all a matter of attitude. and i'll write another entry later on specifically about my first week of work. but thinking back on it now, everything was a blur, and in that sense the week flew by, since i was basically doing the same thing over and over again. i definitely had my share of fun though, during which i put a small amount of my income to good use - namely food & gas. its soo awesome to be able to spend money without feeling guilty - i know that every penny i spend now was earned through hard work, and that the work itself was a gift from God. sure there's plenty of times when i really wanted to complain about having so much work to do, but at the end my only emotion towards it is gratitude.

soo here's how i put my money and free time to good use. on Tuesday i met with Melody Grace and Taryn at Applebee's after work. they were all at church and we've been planning to hang out in a while. (note to people who want to hang out - as long as you don't mind waiting til 7-ish for me to get out of work to eat dinner, i'm pretty much free every weekday =) ). had an awesome dinner, then went to chill at the Village at the little tables next to the fountain. we ended up playing Egyptian Ratscrew til almost 11... it got sooo intense, especially cuz the table was hard. but it makes this really deep bang everytime we slap, and that adds to the intensity =). and we were all sooooo hyper, even though Taryn was the only one who got Starbucks. but yea... that was fun. definitely need to hang out again soon =). took Grace home afterwards, then went home to sleep. fast forward to Thursday - had worship practice with Ernest Caleb and Alun, during which we discovered an amazing voice-altering machine in the storage room and played around with it. we probably won't make Ernest sound like an alien or a goat while he sings, but we might actually use some of the less blatant settings during worship this Sunday. got home and called Elizabeth to talk about my possible upcoming LA area trip - we ended up talking til 12:30... it's always weird to transition from seeing each other every single day to almost not talking at all. but i'm glad we finally got to catch up. then suddenly it was Friday mroning. oh yea, it was yesterday... i'm totally losing track. i'll save the details for the entry i'll write about my job, but basically almost every morning now part of my job involves me actually leaving the warehouse for a while, and during that timei discovered what seemed like a Lamborghini. so i put every minute of my half-hour lunch break to good use, eating while driving, and ended up shooting not only that Lamborghini, but also this -

07/30: theres so much to say about my first day at work, but for now i'll keep it short, since i'm trying to sleep much earlier now that i have a good reason to get up very early every morning. working in a warehouse is a lot more tiring than it seems - the individual tasks aren't hard (even when a heavy box calls for some strength, it's merely a short moment of intense activity), but it's the cumulation of all these tasks one after another that adds up to the exhaustion. thinking of it now, i haven't had a full-time job since the summer i interned at ViewSonic... and even that simply involved sitting in an air-conditioned cubicle for eight hours a day, going on AIM most of the time since there wasn't much work for me to do. now i actually have to stay focused and awake, both mentally and physically, in order to get everything done quickly. there were a few moments when i got quite frustrated, especially in the late afternoon when the work got busy and the weather was getting hotter (it actually wasn't nearly as bad as i expected), but in those moments i simply reminded myself of the reason i chose the job in the first place, and it easily kept me going. and if thats not good enough, it always helps for me to realize that for the first time since i finished high school, i actually have a stable source of income. there's so much i want to do this summer, and it's always nice to have the money to pay for a little fun right?

speaking of money... yes, having a job does in fact mean that i'm finally free to go on longer-distance drives and eat meals that cost more than an hour's salary at minimum wage. the only downside to it is that my free time will almost be entirely on weekends, unless people want to wait for me to eat dinner during the week (which i'd love to do any day =) ), and even that has to be arranged at least a day or two in advance, since i don't exactly plan on leavning my phone on while working, which means you won't be able to reach me mondays thru fridays from morning til night (if its important, i may call you back during my breaks =) ). i'm definitely not complaining though - my life now is really as good as it's ever been this summer, and i've already found people to eat dinner with after work for at least two days this week, starting tomorrow!

speaking of scheduling, i know things are quite a mess right now, cuz suddenly all my plans are being moved around. first of all, if anyone wants to complain that i'm too busy to hang out, don't. i made it very clear from the beginning of summer that i'm trying to find a job, and anytime i do, it gets first priority on my calendar. there are a lot of things that are still up in the air though, and because it's gonna be harder to reach me now during the week than it was before, i'll put a bunch of the info here, and chances are if you're wondering if i'm still doing something or going somewhere, it's gonna be here.

IRVINE AREA TRIP / CARS & COFFEE - yes, i'm going to Irvine/Newport on Saturday to catch C&C for the first time. come on, i've literally been starving from lack of exotics this summer. it won't be an area trip anymore though, since i obviously can't make it on Friday and i have to be home at 1:30 to teach on Saturday. the show is very early in the morning, and i'll probably stick around the OC for the heck of it, so if anyone around there wants to hang out in the morning or grab an early lunch, i'm definitely up for it.

LOS ANGELES AREA TRIP - i know i promised a billion people i'd visit them at UCLA, plus go to Beverly Hills and/or Supercar Sunday, and now that i can afford to travel, the trip will go as planned. the tentative (almost confirmed) dates are the weekend of 8/31 to 9/2 (since thats the first weekend from now that i'm completely free). i havent told anyone about this yet, so if i said i'd visit you at UCLA, expect a call from me soon to confirm that you'll be there. and i'm definitely looking for a place to sleep over on that Friday and/or Saturday night, so if anyone around there can help with that, i would really appreciate it! =)

HARVEST CRUSADES - so apparently Harvest is this weekend huh? haha... i know, i've been so out of it lately i haven't had time to look up the dates ahead of time. and i definitely don't have time to plan out the whole trip like i normally would. so far, i'm for sure not going on Friday. Saturday i'm free to go, and Sunday i'll only go if i know people going - either as a small group or if someone can go early to save seats, cuz i have practice in the afternoon so i'll be there just about in time for the gate to open. so if you're going Saturday and/or Sunday, dont forget to tell me!

S.O.L.D. REUNION - no promises at this point, since by the time we finally confirmed when/where its gonna happen i already made other plans. if i do show up, it will only be for a (late?) dinner, but i do expect previous plans to run late, plus traffic (its extremely far), so i'm not gonna promise anything for now.

WORSHIP STUFF - if you asked me to play for your English worship team, it's a yes. but i'm not promising anything for practice times unless i've already told you OK, simply cuz my weekends are still mostly a mess, and i'll be extremely busy with Claymusic rehearsals for the upcoming concerts.

EVERYTHING ELSE - if i made plans to hang out during the week, everything will go as planned (except maybe postponing a bit later due to my job, but in that case i've already talked to you about it). if i said we would hang out but haven't planned anything yet, i'm still up for making it happen =). it just cant be during work hours, which means all weeknights (dinner and later) and weekends (tell me early please! i've had to back out several times cuz people are too indecisive and i settled for something else already) are fine. other tentative plans include an Upland Area Trip, an Alhambra Area Trip, and whatever else i decide i want to do =). for now, i'm just glad to finally have the option of making these plans without feeling guilty about overspending. and trust me, knowing how careful i am with my spendings, even if all these things actually happen the majority of my income will still end up in my savings.

anyways, it's getting late and i really should go sleep, but i just felt like i had to get all that stuff out first, since i know people will start asking me about them over and over again as the week goes on. i'm gonna try to make sure my computer gets turned off sometime between 10PM and 11PM if i have work the next day, unless it's for something important. and since i'll be going out after work tomorrow, chances are i won't be writing until um... Wednesday night? gosh, seems like forever from now. its weird how when i'm actually at the warehouse packing boxes, it feels like the clock simply doesn't move. (and i know it will seem even slower as the work becomes more routine). and now that i'm home thinking about the day, everything seems like it was just one brief moment. but at least for now, i'm definitely still very excited about my work, and looking forward to returning tomorrow for another productive day. which means, of course, that i must shut up and go sleep now. goodnight!

07/29: As I prepare to step into a new chapter of my life, I am filled with excitement, thankful for the journey that made it happen and eager to see what God has in store for me next. But as much as I hate to admit it, I know that it will not be easy. The path that led me to this job has shown me that my faith is weak, and that it is easy for me to question God in times of trial. The fact that God has finally given me a job doesn’t change me in any way other than having a stable source of income for the summer. The real change – that which is rooted deep inside my heart – is yet to take place, and I know that in order to develop my character and learn to have a humble and grateful attitude, there will be times when I face unexpected hardships in my workplace. Some of these hardships may be small tests of faith, while others may even tempt me to regret my decision to accept the job in the first place. It is for those moments that I write this entry, so that when they come I can be reminded of God’s greatness even when things don’t go my way.

*When you feel discontent with the tedious work you do –

Remember it was God who gave you the calling to find a low-end job, to which you accepted wholeheartedly. You have spoken to many with excitement about your summer job plans and responded to their confusion with words of faith. God has already taught you many important lessons through the time you spent searching for a job, and will continue to write your story as you perform the work He has assigned to you. It was you who expressed the deep desire for character transformation, and through hard work God will lead you to that desire. Keep doing your best, and let God work in your heart.

When you feel like complaining about long hours or working overtime –

Unlike all the other jobs you applied to, which would require sacrificing nights and weekends, this one fits into the typical full-time work schedule, just like you originally wished for. Were you not the one who complained about having too much time and too little to do? God has blessed your desire for productivity with a full-time job, giving you a reason to wake up early (just like you wanted) and the opportunity to earn an income that can be used when not working. You have already agreed to dedicate your time to this job, and should do your best to make the most out of it.

When you face conflicts and disagreements with your supervisors –

Obedience was among the main lessons you wanted to learn through this experience, and it is a key step to humility. God commands you to obey your authorities as they obey Him, and He has blessed you with leaders who share the same faith. Did you not conclude that being your own boss for several years has made you too self-centered? Did you not ask God for an opportunity to learn to obey commands? This is His answer, use it to bring Him glory.

When you have trouble getting along with your co-workers –

Just as you wanted a work environment where you can work under authorities, you also wanted the opportunity to interact with others who share the same tasks with you. You have always believed that every interaction happens for a reason, and the same is true at work. Do not hold thoughts of anger against your neighbors, but rather see in them an image of God. Learn to love them and notice their needs. When conflicts arise, consider it another step of the character-building process and humbly trust in God and seek His wisdom.

When your work becomes routine and no longer as exciting as when it was new –

Countless people have told you that you would hate your job after the first week, to which you replied by saying that the resulting transformation of character will make it worthwhile. How can you hate the job if you know it’s God’s will for you to do it? He gave it to you so that you can learn to persevere, not so that you can once again fall into a state of discontent. God can only write your story if you’re willing to trust Him. You knew all along that what you want to gain from this job will not come easily, and time after time He has proven Himself faithful. Let Him carry out His purpose, and all things will work for good as promised.

07/27: Sometimes when God writes stories in our lives, we don't realize what He's doing until it becomes completely obvious. I knew before summer started that God was calling me to search for a low-end summer job that would both provide the finances for occasional spending and give me a humbling experience contrary to my previous work experience as a self-employed piano teacher. It was the experience that I needed most; deep inside I knew I struggle with excessive pride, which often leads to uncontrollable and unreasonable outbursts of anger, and having spent the past several years with an amazingly well-paying job where I was the boss didn't exactly help. My conscience has told me countless times that I need to bring my ego under control, but the only thing that could help me accomplish that task is a humbling real-life experience. And that was the very experience I believed God was leading me to.

I set out to find my job immediately when summer began (I was too busy with school to start earlier), aiming specifically at minimum-wage positions such as fast-food restaurants and grocery stores. It was my first time ever going out to look for a job on my own, so every attempt I made was a new learning experience. I was under the impression that as a UCLA student who has lived a few years longer than the typical high school students looking for the same jobs, chances are I would be among the top candidates for employment. After submitting countless applications, I realized I was wrong; only one employer contacted me for an interview, and even though I thought it went extremely well, I never heard back from her. The month of July was more than halfway over, and I concluded that since I only had until the end of September to work, my chances would only get smaller as time passed.

I began to think that God had purposely tricked me to give up teaching by convincing me that it was His will for me to go find this job, only to realize that I'm too stupid to even work as a burger flipper. I felt extremely useless, and continued to wake up every morning with nothing to look forward to. I allowed myself to sleep excessively every day, knowing I had way too much free time and was too incompetent to earn even the little money I wanted to pay for food and gas. As for my anger and pride issues, I figured that if God wouldn't grant me this humbling experience that I knew so surely was from Him, then I might as well give up trying. I dropped my guard to an all-time low, letting myself explode in frustration whenever I felt like it, and never turning back to feel any guilt for hurting those around me.

Deep inside me, it was a battle of good and evil, both of which can take complete control of me, but cannot allow the other to hold on at the same time. I continued to pray for my job, but my faith became weaker every day, and I eventually found myself demanding God to give me what I wanted more than treating the job hunt as an act of obedience. But in the midst of my rebellious complaints, God quietly continued to write His story, knowing perfectly well that He has a plan for me. In fact, His plan turned out to be well worth the long wait. And after finally allowing my foolish self to realize what was going on, I discovered that many events from the past week were part of God's plan for this story.

Thursday - After making another attempt to send out a job application and realizing it would take much longer than I expected, I decided to give up searching, leaving my chances only to those places I already applied to, even though I knew they were probably not going to call me at all. In other words, I fully accepted myself as useless, and settled with letting my life rot away.

Friday - I had an interesting encounter in a parking lot while running some errands, and it brought out a side of me that I had not seen in a long time. I've always found driving to be a great way to release my anger, and every commute to me is a chance to prove my self-worth. But when I saw the young man sitting helplessly in his car that wouldn't start, something told me I had to take action. Having experienced the same engine problem several times with my own car, I knew I could offer some help. It took much longer than expected, and we were often faced with other impatient drivers who simply wanted us to get out of their way. Thinking back on the incident, normally when I have to face such impatient and unreasonable people, I make sure I do them some harm to show them who's boss. But this time I didn't feel the least bit of anger. I only had one purpose - to help a man who was in need. And at the end when I watched him drive off into the distance, I experienced a joy unlike anything I remember feeling before. In the midst of allowing anger and pride to consume my life, I saw a glimpse of my conscience, crying out to me before being consumed by darkness.

Saturday - My mom and I had a conversation that lasted for several hours. She's one of very few people who actually confront me when she thinks I'm doing something wrong, and that basically means that it's hard for us to have a good conversation that doesn't end in anger. As usual, she was the one who started it, and as much as I didn't want to sit through it, I knew I had nothing better to do anyways. We went from words to screams to tears (only on her side; I still find it hard to admit when I'm wrong), and in the end things actually settled down. Basically she disagreed with my overall attitude of letting my life waste away. In a sense, I disagreed with my own lifestyle too, except in the midst of feeling so useless, I didn't bother trying to do better anymore. My mom suggested getting up earlier in the morning to help with some housework, to which I replied by bluntly stating that my conscience was dead, and even though I wanted to do good for the family, everything I do that's not selfish will ultimately be done out of hate. She also suggested that I spend more time reading the Bible and praying on a regular basis. Again, I forced myself to find excuses to disagree even though I knew she was right. I guess I was just too angry at God to want to pray or read the Bible more. At night, I went to cell group, where we had some time afterwards to share and pray in pairs. I was paired with Timmy, a film major, who I found out that night had a lot in common with me, not only in our love for the arts, but also in our overall lifestyles. One thing that surprised me most was that he really dislikes oversleeping and waking up to realize half the day has already gone to waste. Even though it seems like every college student nowadays chooses to sleep in as long as possible, I'm one of the few who enjoy waking up early when there's something to do, and doing so makes me feel extremely productive. It was extremely encouraging to meet someone who felt the same way I did, and I began to share about how lately I've been fast-forwarding my mornings by forcing myself to sleep, contrary to what I believe. I've always believed that there's no such thing as boredom, since there's always stuff to do and boredom is simply an excuse for being to lazy to do what God intends for one to do with the time He provides. But as much as I encourage those around me to accept my beliefs, my own lifestyle has made me a hypocrite, and deep inside I wanted things to change. Even though I still felt hopeless, my heart was slowly beginning to soften without me knowing.

Sunday - I went to church and Sunday School as usual, but my heart held the same feelings of frustration against God that I felt throughout the week. I allowed my uncontrollable anger to be seen by others even at church, and as much as a part of me still felt guilty afterwards, I no longer cared. I received a pleasant surprise though - it turned out that a studio recording session I did earlier in the week, which I considered simply a fun way to kill time, was a paid project, and the payment was exactly enough to cover all my gas money in the summer up to that point. So far, I've spent more on transportation than on all my other expenses combined, and it brought me great relief to receive the unexpected payment, since my lack of income was one of the main reasons behind my frustration. After church, I rehearsed with Pastor Liu, who is leading worship this Sunday. He was aware of my job situation, and had already prayed for me once last week. When the worship team gathered in a circle after practice to share and pray, I decided to not mention my needs, thinking it would do no good anyways, since countless people have already prayed for me and nothing had happened. But Pastor Liu knew better and brought up the topic, and he ended up praying twice for me, once with the whole group and once privately when everyone was getting ready to go home. After I went home, I thought about the situation some more, and concluded that even though God might be able to trick me, He can't trick a pastor; Pastor Liu is clearly older and wiser than I, and if He believed that my plans for the summer were from God, then it must be true. And even if God won't answer my own prayers due to my lack of faith, He will definitely respond to a pastor.

Monday - I decided to kick off the week with a new lifestyle, after realizing that regardless of whether or not I get a job, I should live by the beliefs I always encourage my friends to follow, accepting that there is a purpose for every moment God gives me. I got out of bed significantly earlier and spent the morning doing yardwork, with enough time to meet with God through prayer and scripture before lunch. I decided to read the book of James, since we're studying it in cell group and there's no harm in getting a head start. With exactly five chapters, it would be perfect to read a chapter a day. Previously when I decided not to read the Bible, it was out of bitterness towards my mom and towards God. But I was sick of holding so many grudges, and so I gave myself a new start. Immediately God spoke to me. "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind" (James 1: 5-6). Amidst my confusion about God, work, money, and just about everything else that matters to me, wisdom was exactly what I needed. So I confessed my unbelief and asked for the wisdom He promised.

Tuesday - I continued the previous morning's productivity, with the mindset of keeping it up throughout the week. On my way home after dinner with some friends, I was once again overcome by evil, and the evil spirits brought me to a place I wouldn't have gone otherwise. But to my surprise, the detour led me to a situation just like Friday's, where my dying conscience showed its power and won the battle. I was puzzled at how evil could lead me to good, but regardless of how the situation is interpreted, I knew for sure that the battle of good versus evil in my heart wasn't over yet.

Wednesday - I was invited by a friend to go watch baseball, and had to arrive at her house at the time I normally woke up to do yardwork. I had already decided to excuse myself from my morning routine - including Bible study - and planned to wake up with just enough time to eat breakfast and get ready. But around an hour before my alarm was set to go off, I suddenly found myself wide awake, unable to fall back asleep. I rolled around in bed for about half an hour, then finally concluded that God must be providing time for me to read His word before going out to have fun. So I got up and did as He wanted, beginning the day with scripture fresh in my mind. Upon arriving at my friend's house, I got an unexpected call from my mom, telling me that someone from church named Michael had called looking for me because he needed someone to work at his computer warehouse only for August and September. When I returned home in the evening, I called him back. Michael had seen me at church before and knew who I was, probably because I occasionally play piano for the adult congregations, and had heard about my situation from Pastor Liu. The open position at his warehouse was perfect for me, and he decided to skip the interview process completely and hire me right away. I was overjoyed, but didn't allow the joy to sink in completely, since my heart had been tossed up and down so many times that I found it hard to accept such a miracle to be true until I could confirm the details. Michael was yet to inform me exactly when I would begin to work, and I said I would wait for his call after he found out.

Thursday - I resumed the yardwork I skipped the previous morning, during which I received the call from Michael I was waiting for. He confirmed that I would begin work this coming week, and when I asked if I needed to go earlier for training, he asked me to stop by to look around and meet my co-workers, as well as fill out some paperwork. That afternoon, I set foot in my future workplace for the first time. My work will consist of receiving, organizing, and packaging boxes in the warehouse, and I was informed by both Michael and the warehouse supervisor that it would be extremely exhausting. I simply smiled and agreed. They may not know this, but this is exactly the kind of work I want to do - tedious work that develops my character. Through applying to so many minimum-wage positions, I can already sense a dramatic change in the way I treat cashiers in grocery stores or waiters in restaurants. I believe a job like this will further train my patience and my ability to obey commands and work under pressure, as well as understand the feelings of those around me. My salary is a little better than I had expected, and my co-workers will consist entirely of fellow Christians who have accepted Michael's belief that it was God who gave him the company. The only thing I felt slightly hesitant about was the fact that this will be a full-time job. But then again, it's much better than having to give up my nights and weekends like I expected to do with other jobs. And now I can definitely be as productive as I've always wanted to be, and also earn enough money not only to cover all my expenses but to make up for the month I spent searching for work. After a brief meeting with Michael and signing some paperwork confirming my employment, I went home filled with joy.

And that brings us to the present. Shortly after getting off the phone with Michael on Wednesday night, I had another talk with my mom. It was through that conversation that I began to realize how all these little events from the past week played an important role in God's plan for me this summer. While I was busy complaining and coming up with countless excuses to justify my pride, God was already at work, writing my story with a greater ending in mind than I could have ever come to on my own. Yes, my work probably be a lot more difficult than what I can imagine now, and there will be times when I'm tempted to question my decision to accept it. But those are the times when God will truly build my character, leading me at last to the humility that my conscience has always wanted. For now, all I can do is praise God for this story, and eagerly await the opportunity to see Him glorified in this new chapter of my life.

07/25: mid-week update. at least some of it... there's plenty to write about, but i'm gonna save some of it until i figure some stuff out first. for now, it's just the fun stuff =). Monday - u know those times when you're stiting at the computer waiting for people to IM you, but it seems like nobody's there to talk? this time it's just the opposite - three simultaneous chatrooms, one with Hannah & her gang, one with Car-Parazzi, and one with Juliann & Steph. got a lot of work done on my room too. Tuesday - met up with Shaw Steph n Juliann for dinner @ Souplantation - yep, something healthy for once! afterwards Shaw had to leave, and the rest of us stood outside in the parking lot for the longest time trying to decide what to do, and at the end we gave up trying and all went home hehe. stayed up til 1AM chatting w/ Christine. i'm definitely trying my best to make sure i don't lose touch with UCLA people over the summer, and so far its working quite well =). Today - i had no plans for the day until around 11PM last night, when Judy told me she had extra tickets to the Angels game. we were supposed to hang out sometime anyways, and the tickets were free, so why not go? to be honest, i'm totally clueless when it comes to sports, but that doesn't mean i wouldn't enjoy watching it (my usual theory - it's not about what i'm doing, but the people i''m with =) ). went to Judy's house in the morning, then went to pick up her cousin Samantha, then went to the stadium. had an early lunch at Carls Jr first before going inside. turns out Judy's batch of tickets even includes free parking, and we were the 3rd row from the field! i need hook-ups like this too =). but the only downside to good seats is that it was friggin HOT. we were pretty much dying and kept having to get up to get paper towels from the bathroom... so we left before the game was even halfway over. but hey, at least its all free =). we were all craving something cold to drink, but at the end Samantha decided to go home - maybe she's sick of me already? =/. anyways, me and Judy went to get BOBA! haven't had that in a while hehe. wait, actually i did less than a week ago. dangit, my memory sucks. so anyways, we got boba n talked (about dogs =) ) for a while then went home.

and now i'm back in my room, taking a break from the typical chatting routine to write this. sure, it's been an exhausting day, but it was extremely fun, and i'm quite excited right now - not only cuz it's been a fun day, but cuz i have a feeling God's doing something amazing in my life. i'm not gonna give any details yet, but if things go as planned, in the near future my summer schedule will be completely turned around - in a good way. you guys know what i'm talking about already. but i'm still scared to let my heart relax and rejoice, cuz i've been tossed up and down way too many times that i find it hard to have faith that this time it will actually work. but i guess the chances are good enough that i can say if this doesn't work, then pretty much nothing will. i'm still waiting for a confirmation, so before that i can only keep praying and keep hanging on. but just in case things do work out, then those of you who wanted to hang out this summer better talk to me as soon as possible, cuz soon i'm gonna be very, very busy =)

07/25: God, sometimes You make me wait for Your answers, but sometimes the wait can be so long, and it's hard for me not to want to give up. I know you have a plan for me, but it's taking much longer than I expected, and my faith is becoming weaker every day. can it be true that you have something better in store for me than what I had expected? please, God, don't lift up my hopes and throw me back down again. If it is Your will, then let this be the answer, and let my wait come to an end. show me the lesson you wnat to teach me through this long wait. I seek Your purpose above all else, so let this attempt bring You glory. Amen.

07/24: it's Tuesday, and i have no plans for today at all. yep, today's jam session aint happening. and to be honest, i really doubt it ever will again. i love working with these guys, but i agreed to go starting last week only cuz i wanted to have some fun and play some music and had anothing else to do with my time. the commitment was easy for me to make, cuz knowing how our jam sessions usually end up, i knew it wasn't gonna last very long. and turns out my first time was also my last. there's supposedly some kind of "situation" going on with the band, so i was told i didn't have to go this week. is it really necessary to hide the facts from me and treat me like a little kid? owellz... the truth is i probably won't understand a lot of the stuff they're going through anyways.

on a brighter note, not having jam sessions means i have more time to work on other music, namely the songs for the new Claymusic album that should be out in Asia already and will arrive in the US in the next couple weeks. we already have a couple concerts planned this summer, which means i need to go learn all the songs. so i guess i'll shut up now and go put my workstation to good use =)

07/22: My internal debate regarding finances

so it seems like no matter what i do these days, things somehow always turn back to the problem of me needing to find a job. i not only told people about the problem, but they prayed about it - today i had c-worship practice after church with Pastor Liu, and he prayed for me several times. as my own faith slowly weakens, i can't help but ask if this whole time i thought my plan to find this job was from God, in the end it's all just a trick. but come on, even a pastor prayed for me... the devil might be able to trick me easily, but pastors should be at least a little stronger right?for now all i can do is keep praying... keep waiting... keep believing...

anyways, i have two main reasons for wanting this job - money and experience. with so much free time and so many places to spend money, i definitely don't mind a stable source of income - even if it's minimum wage, it's more than enough to keep me covered. and since God has so much to teach me through this experience, i knew the whole time that this job would me more of a learning experience than anything else, and it's that experience that's gonna stick with me for years to come. but there was one potential problem i never considered - if, by some miraculous chance, i end up unable to find a job (hmm....), then this whole summer would be a financial crisis, since i'll have almost nothing to spend.

ok fine, to be honest, i'm not really dirt poor like i'm making it sound. in fact, God has blessed me with so many people who gave me red envelopes as birthday presents or graduation presents, and the amount i got from gifts is several times more than anything i can make with a part-time summer job. but the question i keep asking myself is this - is it right for me to just lounge around all day and live off of money i didn't earn?

i've always been more or less stingy, largely because i'm rarely in a situation where i can earn enough to feel comfortable with spending. but recently i've begun to experience a new feeling - guilt. before when my mom offers me money to go buy lunch for myself, i'd take it gladly, often with the selfish mentality that she was simply doing the right thing. but now i often find myself refusing her offer, not because i'm trying to be a polite son, but because simply feel too worthless to deserve any free money. i'm locked in the mentality that i either get a friggin job, or nothing's gonna work out right.

but the truth is that i don't have one. and i don't want to sit here forever feeling like an idiot either. if i consider all the 'free money' i got this summer as spendable, right now i'd be gladly driving out to UCLA and UCI to visit all my friends there, going on vacations by myself, and eating out with friends all the time. in fact, people have suggested that i make a trip up to Norcal to visit friends, and if i had the money i'd turn that plan into reality too. but a part of me tells me i can't. it's simply wrong for me to depend on gifts forever, and i've already put off looking for a job for several years - it's gonna get harder when i get older, so isn't it right for me to do what i did this summer?

my mom suggested that i find volunteer work if i can't find a job. after all, i'm looking for a humbling experience to get my focus off myself. in a sense, i would end up putting my 'free money' to good use by paying for gas to drive out to serve the needy. but i'm just not confident enough to do so. i know God wants us to give up our earthly treasures and follow him, but to an extent i need to take responsibility for my life too. i can't just not work and expect God to take care of me when He gave me the potential to work. and if every penny i have came as a free gift, does that mean it's wrong for me to spend it on enjoying myself by eating with friends? my life is already so simple when it comes to finances... what more does God want from me?

earlier today i received a little surprise - apparently the recording work i did on Wednesday night was a paid project. i guess part of living life as an artist is accepting the fact that sometimes you just have to seize every experience possible, and you won't find out how much you get paid until it's all done. but good surprises are always welcome. in this case, i went there simply to gain some studio experience, and i didn't even know i was gonna end up playing in a CD recording until i got there. but it ended up helping me financially - in fact, i got exactly enough to cover my transportation expenses up to now. of course, all my other expenses still left a dent in my savings, but it definitely helped to have some money i don't feel guilty spending - cuz i actually worked for it to some extent.

so ultimately this is a totally spontaneous, write-whatever-comes-to-mind kind of entry, and i really don't know where it's supposed to lead to. thats kinda how i feel about my life in general right now, but its mostly beacuse of this whole job thing, and all the little things that it leads to. all i know for now is that i have a lot of praying to do, cuz only God's wisdom can pull me out of this confusion...

07/21: summary of the past day and a half - Juliann came over yesterday just as i was finishing that last entry. i love how she pretty much claims to live here and actually lives up to that claim at times. so yea, spent the afternoon chatting and laughing and looking at pics until she fell asleep =). dinnered at home, then she left for church and i spent the night in my room working on jam session material. usually what happens is i work on the music while chatting online, until eventually (hopefully) theres enough people to talk to or conversations fluent enough that it demands my entire attention, then i put my work aside and chat =). and thats exactly what happened - we had an awesome Car-Parazzi chatroom... this is the single most 'international' chatroom i've been in - we covered California, Arizona, Texas, New Zealand, and South Africa. did i miss any more? i probably did... but yea, you get the picture. so i was getting ready for a midnight snack while Gonzalo was ending his day his usual way by staying up til 3 or 4 AM online while Brad was getting ready for breakfast in Africa! and of course, the one thing that held us all together was the fact that we're all insane car freaks. i know lots of people wonder why it seems like most of my friends are the opposite gender, and my honest answer is that generally girls can just sit down and talk easily while guys typically have to be playing or doing something, and i'm more of the sit down and talk type... and its hard to find guys that can just talk without feeling awkward, unless theres something to talk about - in this case cars. aside from music, i guess thats my only other real 'hobby', and i've never had trouble coming up with things to say about cars. then again, that's probably cuz i can't shut up once i start, and i always scare people away before i run out of stuff to say. but ever since i joined Car-Parazzi, i met a bunch of friends who are closer to me in terms of car-craziness level than anyone else i've ever met. and now that i'm at home where even the Quattroporte i saw yesterday nearly made me scream, i definitely need these guys to remind me that i'm not completely out of the circle =).

anyways, back to Juliann. i have to admit that when i know people are coming to visit me, it motivates me to work on my room faster. so since i knew she was coming, i got a LOT done yesterday. and yes, that means more people should come visit- the mountains of random stuff on the floor are disappearing more and more every day, which means i'm getting closer and closer to seeing the end result (minus decorations). for now, here's a few pics, since several people have asked for them -

07/20: writing while enjoying a late lunch from Lollicup, i mean, Dolphin Bay. so that basically means i'm in a good mood, cuz i'm always in a good mood when there's boba =). stayed up til 1AM last night chatting online with Rebecca. good online conversations are extremely hard to come by these days, since most people seem to enjoy simply leaving their computer on 24/7 and answering a few "hi"s every here and there, then wandering off to mind their own business again while everyone else still thinks they're at the computer. so when i catch a good conversation, it's definitely worth stay up late for. i realized Rebecca and i have quite a bit in common, aside from the obvious (listening to JJ, etc hehe). first of all, we're both Warrior-turned-Bruins, so if you shift the years around a little bit, then technically we've been in the same schools for several years already. but that doesn't make sense =). we actually never met at Troy the year we were both there, and found out after having shaved ice at UCLA that we went to the same high school. (see? i told you food can lead to friends =) ). also, we both love putting our thoughts into words. of course, she's the pro and i just write whatever i can pull out of my butt. but still, it gets the point across =). and as with most people who write a lot and love to journal, we both think a lot and rationalize things when possible. now the whole rationalizing thing isn't something people tend to choose often anymore these days. when something bad and unfair happens, people usually have one of two responses - either be angry and attempt revenge to fill that feeling of loss or accept what happened and mature from it. and it amazed me that she was among the very few who choose the latter. i wish i could be like that more often too.

went to run some errands earlier today before getting boba. i was supposed to go get some water, except i forgot to bring the containers so i had to waste a trip to go home to grab them, and that made me a bit frustrated. i went to the bank first, and just as i was about to leave i saw a guy attempt to start his car, only to realize it wouldn't start. the engine had a little power left, and it made a sound i recognized right away as a weak battery. i don't know much about car repair, but i've had enough trouble with my own battery/starter before that i could tell what was wrong with his. and normally i'm not always the nicest person when it comes to helping strangers, but when it comes to being stuck with a car that doesn't start, i can totally feel his pain, since i've been through it so many times. so i got off to offer my portable jumper, and it worked after a few tries. i went back to my car and got ready to go home, only to find the same guy's car dead again, this time in the middle of the parking lot. we ended up repeating this jumpstart, drive, die, and try again procedure several times, occasionally dealing with other impatient drivers who either didn't know or didn't care that he couldn't start his car. i'm not sure how long it took, but we spent quite a bit of time out there, and at the end his battery finally held enough power to sustain itself, and i watched him leave and drive away successfully.

the point of all this? as cliche as it may sound, it feels great to help others who are in need. it's a different kind of joy that i haven't felt in a very long time. as i've been writing a lot about lately, my life revolves almost entirely around serving myself - even when i'm helping others, i ultimately get something i want in return. but this time the power that made me get out of my car to help a stranger was the simple realization that he was in need. and i wasn't angered by those other impatient drivers like i normally would be, because i knew subconsciously that my purpose was to help him, not gain pride for myself. as i sat in my car and watched him drive away, the joy i experienced was like nothing i could get from hanging out with friends or receiving presents. i know it was God's plan for me to be in that parking lot at that exact moment when the guy was in need, and i'm glad i didn't give up the opportunity to offer him a piece of God's kingdom.

as i drove home to pick up the water bottles, my first prayer was that his car would be able to sustain itself as he drove to work. second, i praised God for the opportunity to serve and asked that no matter what happens, i won't use this story to glorify myself. in fact, i was extremely hesitant about whether or not i should write about it here. but the joy that comes from serving others is simply too amazing, and it's hard to keep it from overflowing. i know there's many people out there like myself who know deep inside that even though we're really "good people", we ultimately do it for ourselves. and i'm sure we all have certain areas where our hearts are soft and compassionate, most likely as a result of having been through the same struggles. whatever the circumstances may be, i believe it's God's call for us to serve others, and i encourage all of us to seize the opportunities when they come. trust me, it's going to be worth it.

07/19: its been a pretty musical week so far. Tuesday afternoon - went to Praise Institute to meet & jam with Jacob, Dan, Andy, and Ann. it's been at least a couple years since i joined jam sessions like this, so it was really exciting to be back. and I hadn't been to PI since the POM tour, which was like um... 4 years ago? 5? anyways... considering my budget-conscious situation, i figured since i'm driving out to Temple City, might as well find some other stuff to do there, so i did some research and came across a little garage in Alhambra that often has exotic cars... so i went there first, and shot an F430 Spider and a HAMANN 360 Modena! that's as good as it's been all summer so far. the jam session was awesome... i'm not sure exactly what things will look like for us in the future, but at this point i feel like Jacob is right - i need this experience more than anything else right now in terms of music. he's been trying very hard to push me forward lately, and i really wish i can settle all the confusion in my head so i can really think straight about what i want to pursue as a music-based future. anyways, moving on... Wednesday - went with Mom at night to buy some new drawers for my room (which i've made some good progress on this week), then had dinner at Cocos. got a call from Uncle Samuel to go to his studio... i wasn't sure what he wanted me to do, but i figured some more experience wouldnt hurt, and his place was so close to home anyways, so after dinner i went there. turned out some music pastor was there recording her latest album, which was supposed to be finished the next day at 3PM - which is basically today right now =). so i got to re-record a couple existing sections for two songs and recorded the entire piano part for another song. very awesome experience indeed. this is technically my second time doing any kind of studio recording, but its my first time playing an entire song. we worked til a bit past 1AM, and i went home just before i got too exhausted to drive home. actually, Uncle Samuel called me this morning and wanted me to go again, except i already had plans (teaching) today so i couldnt. and by now the CD should be done already.

meanwhile i'm sitting here debating over whether or not i should go to a potential job interview that happens Thursday afternoons. i'll need to make a few phone calls to confirm stuff first, but i'm really not sure if this is what i want to do, so i'm kinda hesitant. ok fine, that's not the only reason i'm hestiating... it just seems like after every day that passes by, i'm starting to feel more and more useless after so many attempts and hearing no replies, and by now i'm basically starting to feel like its useless to keep trying anyways. of course, i know its wrong to just give up completely. after all, i still do believe God has His plan for me this summer, whatever it may be. but i'm just extremeyl confused right now, and also quite disappointed. please continue to pray for me, for motivation above all else. for now, i'll shut up and go back to my debating...

07/16: wow, that previous entry got a bit carried away. i guess its a good thing though, cuz when i think about stuff i always like to write it down. i find it crazy that i thought out all that stuff while trying to fall asleep. maybe that's why i have so many crazy dreams all the time. i'm once again going through an intense dream phase, where i always have incredibly vivid dreams that i easily confuse with reality. in don't remember most of them, but lately it seems like i've been meeting a lot of friends in my dreams- random groups of people i meet at random places through various events, none of which are real. my mind creates a world of its own, places me inside, and i interact with its people and try to survive in it. it's pretty fun actually... too bad none of it is real.

anyways, today was one of those very rare occasions when i allowed myself to sleep past 11AM - i only do that when i have a good reason. last night i didn't get home until after 3AM... it's one of those times again when i had to tell myself to just relax and learn to have some fun. went to Shaw's house at 10PM to meet with a bunch of people to catch the grunion run. i've gone several times and caught nothing - i don't really believe in bad luck, but i jokingly admit that the reason all of us together only caught ONE FISH last night was cuz i went. hehe... it was a lot of fun though... first of all, Juliann got me a boba. how awesome is that? as if those three Thai iced teas i had for lunch wasn't enough... but since i didn't seel well the night before, it was extremely helpful. sat in Juliann's car with Steph Joseph and Ben. went to Seal Beach - the same place i went for the grunion run last year and failed miserably. but Shaw & gang already went not too long ago and caught plenty of fish, so we weren't exactly hopeless this time. Steph wanted to find a bathroom (surprise?) and i thought it was a good idea to get the boba out of my system before the grunion arrive, so we went to find a bathroom and ended up in some random bar. actually i didn't even realize it was a bar until we were leaving hehe. then again, what else could be open at 11PM in a little dark street? went back to join everyone else at the beach, played in the water, sat around, took lots of pictures, and waited for grunion. i felt one on my foot at one point but didn't see it... and Albino caught the only one out of all of us. went back to Shaw's house, then i decided to go with Juliann Steph and Ben to Denny's for some late-night dinner (breakfast!?). had an awesome game of Super BS, followed by some great food. took Ben home afterwards - shared some hilarious music jokes =). got homeat like 3AM. i'm pretty sure this is the latest i've ever been out - there might have been a couple other times, but i can't remeber right now =/. anyways, it was a lot of fun, and i'm so glad i went. i was really tempted to write a happy entry before going to sleep, but i managed to convince myself that i needed to get some rest first. so i'm writing now instead =).

anyways, as for the rest of the week, i really have no clue what it's gonna look like. as far as i know, i'll be joining Jacob's jam session gang once again beginning tomorrow evening. i've always been a bit hesitant cuz its kinda far and i don't wanna commit to the weekly commute, especially if i don't secure a job yet. but i've been convinced that in the long run this will help me, and i'm gonna enjoy it a lot just like i did when i used to jam with them several years ago. so far i'm having fun working on the music, and my only complaint is that things are a bit disorganized, which makes me once again hesitant to commit. bt we'll see what happens. and if it turns out that's the only 'fun' thing i do all week, i better plan ahead this time and find someone in the OC to hang out with after Cars n Coffee this saturday =).

as for my job, i'm still waiting to hear back. but if i do happen to get a job, i'll definitely categorize it as 'fun', simply cuz it helps me use up my free time, gives me a place to go, and helps me earn something in return. and i'm sure i'll enjoy the work too. we'll see what happens. again, my work is my first priority right now, so if i get hired anytime, it may turn my entire schedule around and i may have to cancel previously made plans. we'll see what happens. anyways, i'm about to go dig into my closet once again and clean out the rest of the corner i've been spending forever on. maybe if i work hard i can finish it by tonight. wish me luck =)

07/15: just got back after lunch at Boston Cafe with Ken, followed by some grocery shopping - and an attempt to shoot a Ferrari 328 which turned out to be a friggin REPLICA. but hey at least i saw the yellow Modena again yesterday AND today. so anyways, not long after writing the previous entry yesterday, the clock struck midnight and i called the cops. i was quite surprised at first when i realized my mom totally wanted me to make the call - i'm sure i did the right thing, but i think it's just cuz i'm always so selfishly-driven that usually the rest of my family doesn't support a lot of my behavior. and it's a good thing they don't. anyways, long story short, the party died down shortly after the call, and i assumed the cops took care of it, until three police cars showed up at my door at almost 1AM just before i was going to sleep. i guess they just wanted to verify that everything was ok - since apparently they were given the wrong directions and were in a different neighborhood, so by the time they got here there was no sign of any noise at all.

knowing how i always have trouble falling asleep, i pretty much knew i wasn't gonna get much sleep last night. it was my first time standing face to face with a cop at my front door, and that image, along with everything else that led to it, kept reappearing in my head as i tried to sleep. one thing that somewhat surprised me was the fact that i felt a tad scared. the police were there to help me, but what i automatically associated them with was their powers of enforcement and punishment, and the fact that they carried plenty of items on their belt to ensure their success if the victim doesn't obey. i was so worried that i would accidentally say the wrong thing or do something to offend them. another image appeared in my head - a flashback of elementary school when police officers came to do presentations to encourage children to 'say no to drugs and gangs', followed by an open house of the police department building where children got the chance to sit in police cars and speak to friendly officers, all to show them that policemen are good people who are there to help us, not make us scared.

it's amazing how things change as one grows up. most of us feel at least a little guilt around police officers, cuz we know we've done something wrong. come on, how many of us actually count to three patiently at every stop sign? as i grew up i slowly began to realize that everyone - policemen, government officials, friends and family members, etc - is human just like myself. in other words, chances are we all have at least a little selfish motivation in what we do, and we inevitably make mistakes or do things we later wish we didn't do. nobody in this world, now matter how much we love them or how much they love us, can grant us complete security. we can love and support each other - something everyone needs - but nobody can be perfect. those pure and simple ideas are long gone.

...which brings me to my faith in God. we all want (and need) security, and when i really think about it, i realize how amazing it is that there's a God who not only guarantees eternal paradise for those who believe, but consider me His child and friend. He's the father, friend, lover, and authority figure that we all need, and it's so comforting to know that He's real and watching over me all the time. there's so many people out there who say that religion is "a crutch for the weak", and i believe sooner or later we will all realize that we need to be humble and accept the truth that we can't be perfect on our own.

God calls us to be clean and pure, but also to grow. maturity is a one-way process; once you grow up, you can't turn back. we can always have a childish side in us (which i frequently manifest in my own life =) ), but the deeper understanding of life that we gain as we mature leads us to a greater calling. one way to raise children is to protect them from exposure to the dangers of the world so that they can be kept pure. i'm not gonna say if that's right or wrong, since i've obviously never raised a kid before =). but i know that at some point in our lives we will - and should - be exposed to the world because it's simply reality, and the truth is that there's countless people in this dangerous world that need help, and God definitely doesn't call His children to sit back and protect ourselves and let the rest of the world continue to grow in corruption.

so anyways, back to the whole policemen thing. the guilt and fear we feel is the result of knowing that we all deserve some sort of punishment. at a larger scale, we've all sinned and deserve God's punishment. but instead He chooses to forgive if we're willing to believe. once we realize that everyone is merely human and have our weaknesses, we are called to handle our maturity responsibly. when we see our guilt, we should learn from our mistakes and grow from them, and discourage others from making the same mistakes. when we see the corruption in people's hearts, we should feel compelled to help point them in the right direction. maturity can mean many different things to different people. for some, it means doing things that were previously considered inappropriate. for others it means learning to be strong and stand up for themselves in every situation. for me, it is a privilege that can be easily abused, and it requires great responsibility to handle. God, please grant me the wisdom to handle the imperfections of myself and of others. teach me to accept my human nature in times when i'm overcome by my pride. remind me of your sacrificial love and infinite grace, that I may live with the identity of simply being Your child, and act according to it.

07/14: it's been an interesting few days. went to do some grocery shopping with Mom & Carol today, and went to PACT at the park tonight. basically we all brought some food, ate and played games, followed by our Bible study - all at the park! it was soo much fun... i hope we do it again =). and we ended around the time we usually start, so i had the rest of the night to work on my room, prepare for Chinese worship tomorrow, and write this entry.

we had Chinese worship practice on Thursday night, and aside from job-related stuff and family errands, that's basically all i did all week. kinda sad huh? you guys know i can't stand being in the house too long, even in my room that's looking better every day. seems like the rest of the world has disappeared though... if i have to blame someone, i blame the Internet. yep, i've once again fallen in the trap that i always preach against - the trap of believing that everyone's there for you when in reality nobody notices. for those who wondered why i was almost never online during the schoolyear, it's cuz first my laptop broke, then when i got this iMac certain circumstances forced me to have no internet access while doing my work. and i pretty much worked day and night. if i wasn't working, chances are i wouldn't be in my room. and when summer kicked in, i basically dropped my guard and became the online social butterfly that almost all of us have been at some point. and now i'm once again reaching the point where i'm starting to realize i've overstayed my welcome and abused my priveledge. the conversations i have now are losing meaning, and the majority of them involve responses with several minutes in between. so basically it's not a conversation at all. and for the many of you who still disagree with my mentality on computer-based socializing, next time you have a conversation where it takes 5 to 10 minutes for the other person to respond, ask yourself if they'll really notice if you go grab yourself some drinks or snacks without telling them. or if you go out to the backyard for a quick walk. or take a shower. or accidentally fall off your chair and be too hurt to continue chatting. i'm so sick of it, yet a part of me loves it so much. and i'm gonna have to once again relearn my own lesson of how to keep the quality of my social life under control.

it's always been my weakness to initiate in inviting people to do stuff, so maybe thats why i always sit here and wait for someone to call me first. and knowing how the world is today, it seems like that's what everyone else is doing too, which basically means everyone's stuck in front of their own computers all day. maybe that's why i feel so worn out after a week of pretty much no fun. and yes, in a way fun is mandatory for well-being, as i've learned through studying the discipline of celebration. more and more i'm learning to simply be more willing to have fun. and it's working extremely well. but where can i draw the line without spoiling myself?

i had a less-than-pleasant conversation with my mom earlier this week, explaining for the millionth time how i've given up on trying to correct many of my habitual problems, namely the ones that revolve around making myself less easily angered. she gave me some good insight that i know i should learn, but with all this pride i can't take it in, and i can only pray that at some point it will hit me again and i will learn to accept it as truth. for now, my wicked self can only cling on to one point - when i said with frustration that i gave up trying because i know that if i keep trying, i'll very likely end up doing something extremely dangerous and have no chance to regret it, and my mom simply said that God will protect me. yea, i know He will, but i'm clearly putting Him to the test by doing so. and that same part of me that clings on to that statement is already using it against me by telling me i might as well just lose my guard completely and do whatever i feel like, cuz at the end "God will save me". God, just please speak to me before it's too late...

last night, a part of me was glad that i had the week to relax and focus on job-hunting, and even a bit glad that my tentative plans for the day got cancelled just before i got the call for my interview, which i wouldn't have said no to even if i already had plans (everyone that makes plans with me these days knows that there's a chance i'd have to back out if something job-related pops up). but somehow i felt soo lonely and soo empty. i just wanted to get out of the house and go somewhere - anywhere, it really didn't matter. talking with Cinda and Grace helped a lot, but i still felt myself wanting more. i was even seriously considering getting up at 6 this morning and driving down to Irvine to catch Cars & Coffee, followed by the morning and maybe afternoon alone at the beach. then i concluded it was really just an unnecessary waste of money for my own pleasure. maybe ill go another week, and hopefully find someone to have lunch with afterwards. then it won't be a waste at all.

anyways, as you can see this is an extremely random entry. i just felt like letting out a bunch of my thoughts. and i'm just about done. someone on the otherside of the street has been having a very festive Latin music party with a live band, and it's been quite entertaining, until it hit around 11PM. one thing i've learned from the dorms is to love quiet hours - yes, i'm one of those annoying people who respect rules that i know i'll appreciate at least once in a while. so my solution? the beautiful stereo that's sitting on the shelf right next to me. just pop in a nice Euro Trance CD, turn up the volume, and the whole world disappears. and since Latin music usually doesn't have much bass, i don't even need to use the woofers. but now its almost midnight and everyone else in the house is going to sleep, meaning i'd feel at least a little bad blasting my techno next to their rooms. so my next option? i'm not sure yet, but it will involve either me getting out of the house or some form of police action. i'll give them until midnight to shut up. they have 10 more minutes, otherwise it's time to have some fun =).

07/13: My prayer while getting ready for my first interview-

God, I have always believed in Your purpose, and I always will. You have led me this far, and I know You won't let me go. Thank You for this special opportunity in my search for a character-building job this summer. Please bless the conversations I have with everyone I talk to in this interview process. Help me to say the right words at the right time, and leave a confident, positive impression. If this is the work environment You have called me to this summer, then please open the doors for me to work here. But if You have something better in store for me, then may I not be discouraged by rejection, but continue to believe in Your plan. Above all, may Your will be done today, and may this entire interview process bring You glory. Amen.

07/11: it's been a pretty quiet week so far - basically i spent all my time either looking for a job, working on my room, or sitting at the computer working on pictures. and after countless hours of staring at the computer screen, i'm glad to say that i've just uploaded the biggest picture update ever - over 400 pics, from the last few weeks of the schoolyear until now! go check them out, cuz if you were at one of the activities i posted pics from, then chances are you're in the pics too! =). and if you see any errors/typos/etc, please let me know, cuz as much as i've tried to make everything perfect, 400 pictures is a lot to work with, and chances are there's at least one mistake. ok, i'm done babbling now. time to go drink my boba and continue cleaning my room =). bye!

07/10: If you've talked to me at all about my plans for this summer, I probably mentioned looking for a job. Regarding how my life has been so far regarding careers, all I can say is that God never fails to provide for my needs, in terms of both finances and work experience. I began teaching piano at Yamaha before I even had my driver's license, and for a while the students' parents actually had to come pick me up from home to bring me to the school to teach. Not long after going to UCLA, I began teaching piano independently. I never really advertised myself; it all happened through word of mouth. Going to UCLA also helped me earn the respect of many parents who wanted me to tutor their kids in academics. Without a doubt, tutoring and teaching was a great source of income, and throughout my years in college I could split 4-5 hours of instructing between Friday and Saturday, and make no less than my peers working part-time jobs five days a week.

Every year when summer came around, I thought about finding more work opportunities for myself; I had plenty of time, and could definitely use a bit more money, especially when all my peers had regular stable jobs that gave them more income than I had. But every year I eventually gave up and settled for what I had. I convinced myself that with Intervarsity's summer conference taking up the first week of every summer and various other activities such as ClayMusic tours and mission trips cutting into my schedule, I wasn't a good candidate for a "normal" job. And every summer I ended up with a few additional students who needed summertime tutoring, helping erase much of my guilt from settling for second best. Sure, I got the money I needed to pay for gas and eating with my friends. But I knew that I could have done more, and that I was simply being enslaved to my laziness.

This summer, I wanted things to be a little different. As with every senior in college, I spent much more time thinking about my career choices, and forced myself to admit the fact that even though God had been providing so much for me over the years, I was taking advantage of it rather than seeking the potential that He created in me. To be honest, there's almost nothing not to love about being a piano teacher. Issues of stability aside, I rarely have to work, and make big money when I do. I tell the parents what books to buy and I tell the kids what to practice, and they have to do it. If I want to hang out with friends during a scheduled lesson time, all I have to do is make a phone call (with an early notice, of course) and ask to reschedule. All this boils down to the fact that ultimately it's all about me. And to be honest, it's not as glorious as it seems.

I realized that I've been so spoiled by letting my entire life revolve around me that I lack many common experiences that my peers have had since high school. Sure, I've had my share of working in a 'normal' environment, namely my internship at ViewSonic and my teaching job at UCC's Summer School. But it's been way too long, and those experiences have gradually faded from my life. As far as I can see, I don't know how to work in an environment involving co-workers sharing the job and managers or bosses telling me what to do. I don't know how to survive in a world where my schedule is not entirely under my own control. To put it simply, I don't know how to survive in a world that's not all about me. So when it came time to think about my plans for this summer, I realized that God is calling me to something I've never been interested in doing before - finding a low-end, possibly minimum-wage job. It could be a fast food restaurant, or it could be a supermarket. The possibilities are pretty much endless. But I believe that a job like this will not only force me to give up my selfish attitude, but teach me to be more sympathetic toward people in general, rather than always being the one that is served by others. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the reason I'm seldom concerned about world justice issues and often find excuses to be selective with who I spend time with and what we do boils down to this same attitude problem; if I don't gain anything from it, I'm not interested. What I need now is a humbling, character-building experience that lets me put my free time to good use while earning a stable income to balance out my spendings. My decision to search for a low-end job shocked many people I talked to, and they usually gave me one of the following responses-

"You go to UCLA; you can do better than that!" - Maybe it's true, but the fact that I only have a few months to work before going back to school makes me an unlikely candidate. I did fill out a few applications for office jobs, but realized that being self-employed for so many years has left me with no professional references for my resume. Regardless of what job I end up getting this summer, my goal is to learn to work with people and leave a good impression that will help me in the long run. Having been involved in several Christian organizations, I often see my peers work hard to raise money for missions or give up their time to serve the needy. Several of my friends from Intervarsity have decided to move to the inner city and commit several years to serving others. Not once did I consider following their footsteps. I believe the key to letting God work through us is to have a willing heart, and my heart will never be willing enough if I'm always so selfish. I'm tired of being spoiled in places where it's always all about me, and as a result I'm giving up my control of my own life so that God can mold and make me according to His will. Perhaps he has something for me that is better than a minimum-wage job, and if that's the case, I'll take it gladly. But wherever it is He leads me, I must learn to follow and obey.

"You're gonna hate your job after the first week..." - Yes, I'm pretty sure I will. But it's really the attitude that matters. Just by going from store to store looking for employment, I'm already starting to picture myself in the shoes of those who already work in those places. Many of them work there because they have no other way to support their families, or because they don't have the experience needed to move up to a better job. I, on the other hand, have a family to support me and an education that can lead to much greater opportunities. It is simply wrong for me to just sit back and indulge in these gifts that God has blessed me with. The amazing thing about discovering God's purpose is that it gives a reason to maintain a positive attitude toward everything. If God is really calling me to a humbling job, then I'll accept it gladly and work every day knowing I'm earning a priceless experience that will impact me for the rest of my life. Sure, I might get tired of the job, but we can't always have things go our way, right?

"Why don't you find something music-related?" - First of all, I'm still continuing my teaching job, even though the number of students I have has been reduced dramatically due to unexpected circumstances, which leads me to believe even more deeply that God is calling me to step away from focusing on teaching. As for internships, they're almost all unpaid, and at this point I'm faced with the decision of possibly buying a new car, and also getting ready to pay back my college loans. Besides, most music-related internships simply involve endless paperwork, no different from those of non-music jobs. At this point, I'm still eagerly seeking God's will regarding what area(s) in music I will pursue as a career. I can't see myself teaching as a full-time job, but I still have plenty of options - piano, composition, jazz/improv, film scoring... the list is nearly endless. Most people tell me that at this point it's not about what job I do, but the connections I build. I totally agree, but I know that the entertainment industry is an extremely corrupt one, and before I set foot inside, I must be prepared to defend my personal belief and faith. I have always felt a bit out of place when surrounded by the typical musicians who seek fun and money above all else and have almost no control when it comes to alcohol or drugs. If God is in fact calling me to be among them, at this point I'm not ready yet. Regarding my life as a musician, God has always opened doors for me when I didn't know my way, and I know that's not going to change if I'm willing to keep following Him.

So far, I've already sent out over a dozen applications to various places, and am still waiting eagerly to hear back. During my first few attempts, I was turned down as a result of my unwillingness to cooperate, which at the time seemed perfectly reasonable on my part. Several times, I had to stop and ask myself "But what about me?", only to realize once again that I had much more to learn than I thought. At this point, I have accepted the fact that the kind of job I'm looking for will probably involve working with people who are very different from me, during hours I prefer to keep for my own plans. But if I've already learned so much simply from looking for a job, I can only imagine the positive outcome of spending the rest of this summer in a humbling work environment. At this point, I can only pray that God will provide me with a summer job. I have no idea where it will be, or what I will be doing, or who i will be working with. But one thing I know for sure is that my heart is now willing, and above all else, I just want His will to be done.

07/09: another awesome weekend. shortly after writing the previous entry on Saturday, i fell on my bed for what was possibly one of the greatest naps of my life. i felt just fine running on four hours of sleep, but once i shut my eyes i knew that i was tired. my mom just happened to turn on the AC, making my bed even more comfortable. add to that the relaxation of streaming smooth jazz radio, and i was asleep before i knew it. fast forward three hours to 6:15PM, and i was awake, about to go eat some dinner before the praise night. then i realized the praise night started at 6. as long as i can remember, praise nights have never started at 6... it's kind of like an unspoken rule. 7:30 seemed more reasonable... even 8:00 wouldn't have been surprising. i called Juliann and confirmed that she was already there, and that even though they were running on Asian time, they were about to start soon. so my dinner turned out to be two bites of chicken, then i took off for VOH. i'm starting to realize once again that i'm old, cuz i didn't recognize half the songs that everyone else seemed to know by heart. but it was still a lot of fun, especially cuz the last two songs were Deliriou5?, which means i know them very well. at one point they had us gather by school, which helped me find a bunch of UCLA people i haven't seen in a while. afterwards i went with Carol and Mark and a bunch of other people to Ten Ren's. didn't order anything though, since it was almost 11 and i knew i wanted to sleep well at night. Sunday - went to church at 9 for worship practice. saw a yellow Gallardo on Pathfinder, but my attempt to shoot it failed miserably. it was the first Italian exotic (Ferrari, Lamborghini, etc) i've seen since friggin Father's Day. now you guys know how desperate i am here hehe. had an awesome time playing with Steph's team. after church me and Ken went to Esther's house to chill until Ally arrived, then went to Garden for lunch. the occasion? it was Esther's last day here before going back to school! so of course we had to hang out. and we ended up going to... Cue! i think i've gone there more often in these past few weeks than any other time before. not that i'm complaining... Ken had to leave afterwards for basketball... me n Ally stayed to chill at Esther's for a bit longer and had ice cream =). Steve Steven and Tanya also came over. (gosh Esther's so popular! hehe). took Ally home, then went home myself. had a very long dinner conversation with Mom at night - one of very few that actually ended well. don't get me wrong - we don't argue all that much, its just that almost all our good conversations end unresolved after getting interrupted by a phone call. this time we actually got all our thoughts out. most of it had to do with my plans for summer and the next schoolyear, and i'll definitely write more about it when i ahve time.

but for now, i have other things i need to update first, namely pictures! i know a bunch of people are waiting for this big update - sorry for taking so long! last night i finally got the last batch of pics i need, so at this rate i should be done with all the editing by tomorrow. the trash truck finally came on Saturday, which means my room is now back in progress too, and i'm gonna start digging into the closet soon to make room for all the boxes sitting on the floor. as for my job, i'm still waiting patiently to hear back from places i applied to, and i'm almost certain that i'll spend some time later this afternoon driving out and looking for more apps to fill out. wish me luck =). ok, i'll shut up now. bye!

07/07: i'm running on about four hours of sleep right now (which, for those of you who know me well enough, is not much at all), so i apologize ahead of time if anything i write doesn't make sense. last night at around 11 i decided that i was tonna join Shaw & crew this morning to watch the sunrise. pretty crazy i know, but it's definitely a unique experience. i was extremely hesitant to go at first, since there's a Praise Night tonight and i don't wanna be to too tired for it. but i figured i had the whole afternoon to sleep anyways. i remembered what i learned from Senior Seminar - celebration is a discipline and can take effort too, and by simply being willing to have fun with other people without any selfish motives, i'm able to share the same joy that everyone else has. so i decided to somehow pry myself out of bed and drive to Shaw's house at 4:45AM(!!!). apparently there were many others who were as hesitant as i was and ended up not going, but these are the brave souls who joined me in risking their sleep to have fun - Alun Eugene Melanie Juliann Steph(Lee) Daniel(Yu) Albino Shaw Michelle and Slingluff. we took three cars and drove straight up Azusa as far as it would go, through the little towns and up the mountain, higher and higher... until at last we reached *drumroll...* a fence. so turns out the road was closed. very smart of us huh? hehe... but it doesn't matter - we had a very good spot to chill while watching the sunrise. it ended up taking too long, so we went to another spot and finally saw what we were waiting for. it was actually extremely funny - a bunch of people driving around aimlessly looking for the sun. we got what we wanted, took a bunch of pictures, then went to get breakfast at um... waht was the place called? Flappy Jack's i think. or something like that... you know, typical American breakfast place. had a lot of fun eating talking and laughing. then came back to Shaw's house to chill for a bit more. i went home just in time for a quick break before going to worship practice at Steph(Li)'s. it's been forever since we played together - technically i only missed the last time, but that means it's been two months already. thanks to Steph i got a cup of desperately needed coffee, which helped me through the next few hours. after Ernest Daniel(Tan) Jeanelle and Caleb arrived we practiced our set, shared & prayed, you know - the usual stuff. Steph's parents bought pizza for everyone so we all stayed. and now i'm back at home with a very full stomach.

my biological clock is extremely confused right now, probably cuz i normally don't wake up at 4 in the friggin morning. usually when i anticipate a dramatic change in my sleep schedule and try to do something to help it (i.e. sleeping earlier if i have to wake up earlier), i end up not being able to fall asleep. so that's what happened last night. it was one of those really awkward nights when there was so much on my mind that i don't think i ever really fell asleep completely. but at one point i did have a crazy dream - i dreamed that i woke up and drove to Shaw's house at 4:45AM, thinking i was crazy for getting up so early (sound familiar so far?), only to realize that they decided to cancel the trip. then i got extremely angry and came back home to my room and ranted about it to my mom who saw me in my room... and eventually at some point i woke up. for those of you who didn't know, i have an extremely vivid imagination, and sometimes it actually scares me - i've had multiple dreams that i couldn't distinguish from reality, and this was one of them. i woke up in the middle of the night unsure of whether or not my dream was real or not - it literally felt like getting out of bed would mean going back in time and re-living what already happened not too long ago. and the dream was so real that i woke up sweating and feeling really irritated. for the longest time i was lying there confused - until i finally heard my alarm clock actually go off.

and how did i know that the first adventure was all a dream? when i 'woke up' in my dream, my bed was still where it was before i moved it to its new location!! and i knew for sure that i moved it already in reality, so i made myself get up at the end. but anyways, enough about dreams. so here's the update on my room - as of last night, all the furniture is already in place, and now its time to find places to put all the crap lying around the floor, which would probably mean cleaning out the closet and throwing away a lot of old boxes. the problem is that this past week our neighborhood just switched trash collection companies, and the new truck never came! and it just happens to be the week of July 4th, when the whole world wants to have barbecues and leave lots more trash than usual. so for the entire week since Monday, trash has been accumulating on my street, and we still have two cans filled with trash from the BBQ that we didn't take outside. so for the most part my room project is temporarily put on hold, since i really don't want to produce more trash than necessary at this point. my new workstation desk is already fully functional though, meaning i have my stereo, computer, and keyboard/amp all within reach without having to move my butt at all. in fact, i already had plenty of fun playing JJ Lin songs with the CD while chatting with Rebecca, who sent me the sheet music. this will definitely make my life easy when it comes to transcribing the new Claymusic CD (i think it's out in Taiwan already, and it should be available here very soon!). we're doing another album release concert at (where else?) our home church, GCCI in Hacienda Heights. it's gonna be in August or September, but the date isn't for sure yet. i'm almost positive that i'll be playing in it - the only thing that may stop me is if it conflicts with my job...

speaking of jobs, i haven't exactly found one yet. i've talked to a lot of people about my plans for this summer (which i will write in detail about as soon as i have time and have more sleep), and so far i've managed to honestly convince everyone that i'm doing the right thing - God has called me to what i believe will be a life-changing career experience this summer. it's definitely not in the way you wouldl expect though - in fact, i'm still desperately filling out applications, and i'll take whichever job wants me first. but fine, i'll be completely honest - i've been extremely lazy about it these past few days, and i seriously need to get my act together. every day wasted means i'm giving up more money and more opportunity, and i definitely need to keep myself motivated without giving up. please pray that i will continue to have this motivation and do my best to follow God's calling for me this summer regarding my job.

so yea, much of this past week has been spent sitting around not doing much, or simply letting myself sleep in a lot longer than necessary. then again, i did a lot of preparation for the BBQ party, and it was all worth it. first let's rewind to Sunday. went to church, then had lunch at Carls Jr. with Ken Shaw Timmy Albino Tim and BK. came home afterwards and started inviting people to the BBQ. went to buy a new grille with Carol, which ended up being crucial considering how many people we had at the party. most of Monday and Tuesday was spent cleaning stuff and buying food, while continuing with the invites. on Monday night i was eating fried rice for dinner and got a surprise call from Uncle Samuel, telling me there was an orange Lotus right down the hill from my house at some boba store. so of course i hopped in my car and went to shoot it. for those who didn't know this yet - if you see any exotic cars around this area, especially those that are parked, PLEASE call me right away, and if its cool enough i'd definitely come down and shoot it right away. it's crazy i know, but talk to anyone on Car-Parazzi and you'll realize i'm not the only crazy one =). so yea, turns out that Lotus was an Exige - the first one i've ever seen around here. shot it a few times, then joined Mr/Mrs Yin and Ivy as they finished their shaved ice, then went back home to finish my rice. Wednesday was the big party, which lasted til about midnight. Thursday i officially resumed my job hunting, even though i ended up being way too lazy to do as much as i wanted. Yestesrday i watched "Cars" for the first time - my mom rents a movie for her class every Friday, and i happened to really want to see Cars (i've never seen it!), so i joined them. it's actually really good - theres plenty of car-freak humor in there that nobody else there seemed to catch. but then again us car-freaks are usually on the unique side right? =). talked on the phone with Cinda, and had dinner at home. that brings us to today.

one awesome thing about the summer so far is that i took soooooo many pictures. but the downside to that is that there's way more pictures than i have time to edit. this happens every year around June-July, but this year is the worst (or should i say best?) so far. i've been doing my best to catch up - in fact, when i say i've been lazy these past few days, i was actually sitting at the computer for hours writing captions for pictures. so far everything is done except pictures from Summercon, my birthday, the BBQ, and today. at this rate it should be done in the next week or so. but remember, things could change anytime based on whether or not i get a job. i would fill out a few more applications right now, except my lack of sleep is starting to hit me, so i think i'll just go read magazines until i start zoning out, then spend the rest of the afternoon in bed until dinner time. after all, i still don't want to be too tired for the praise night =).

07/04: happy Fourth of July! actually its already over since its about 12:40 in the morning. so apparently our sporadically planned BBQ turned out to be possibly the biggest party we've ever had at this house. if you include all the people who came for only part of the time, we have a good 40 people - pretty much double what we thought. what happened to "let us know no later than Tuesday if you're coming"? hehe... then again, is it ever possible to get a head count ahead of time these days? we had enough food for everyone, so might as well keep the invites going throughout the night - people filtered in late and still had plenty of food. ohh and special thanks to Ken for doing such an incredible job at the grilles =). the food was amazing, and afterwards we all went up the hill to hang out while watching a zillion fireworks shows at the same time. of course, we took a million pictures, and i'll post them up (along with all the other pics i have to post) as soon as i get to editing them, hopefully in the next week or so since i'm still working hard on my room as well as still looking for a job at the same time. speaking of jobs, i just realized not too long ago that i'm teaching piano tomorrow morning - i totally forgot about it =/. so yea, that means i should go to sleep soon. and that means i should shut up now. but yea, thanks everyone for coming, and happy (one hour late) Fourth of July again!

07/01: so i've mentioned this to a few people already, but now it's official-