02/29: I've decided to write a random entry, simply because it's February 29 and that only happens once every four years. The last time I got to write on a February 29, this site was still running on the old Geocities account, and I was still a little freshman at UCLA a few weeks away from getting my first F (in chemistry). It's crazy how much has changed... I'm actually feeling quite inspired to use this as a chance to reflect on the past four years. The only problem is that it's already almost midnight, so I should really be getting ready to sleep soon. Plenty of yardwork this week has left me quite exhausted, especially now that the weather's much warmer than before. To make things worse, spring allergy season has finally kicked in, and for those who don't know, my allergies are about as bad as it can possibly get. As crazy as it sounds, it actually costs me a noticeable amount of energy every day just to keep myself from sneezing uncontrollably. Let's hope it will get better in the years to come.

Other than that, it's been mostly a typical week. I spent a lot of time organizing new wallpaper pics that I'll hopefully add in the next week or so. Also got to talk with Clare a lot, since I tutor her sister now =). We have so much to talk about - music, college, Jesus, etc... there really aren't that many music majors who study with the intention of glorifying God, and it feels great to know that I'm not alone. Four years ago I would have never imagined myself wanting to live for God like I do now. In fact, I was barely even at the realization that I wanted to major in music yet. Over the years I’ve discovered much of God’s calling for my life through a long process of taking classes, interacting with people, and working at various jobs. Many old friendships have withered, while others have stayed the same and still others have grown. One of my favorite things about this journal is that I can look back during times like this and reflect on my past, which leads me to the realization of how much I’ve grown. And it makes me see once again how small I am in this story where countless factors are beyond my own control. Only time will tell what’s going to happen between now and the next February 29. I can spend hours daydreaming about what will happen in the next four years – the things I will learn, the jobs I will have, the people I will meet… But all I know for now is that God has been working in my life all this time, and He will always continue to do so if I continue to trust in Him. With that in mind, I look forward to whatever adventures He will lead me to in the future.

02/24: This past week has been so mundane at times, but also so eventful and fulfilling. Because of the rain, I wasn't able to do yardwork in the morning like I did the week before. But that gave me more time to focus on other things such as strengthening my walk with God. I spent plenty of time in worship and prayer, and as a result felt much more connected with God.

The silence of the first half of this week helped me prepare my heart for my second trip to visit UCLA on Friday night. It's always challenging for me to keep my mind from building too many unrealistic expectations before such a trip, and I tried to focus on allowing God to do whatever He wanted without my own will getting in the way. Trips like this are always an amazing experience, not only because I get to see so many of my friends that I no longer see regularly like I used to, but because it allows me to link my past with my present, reminding me of the position in our relationships that God placed me in. After experiencing God not long after I left college, I began to see how much the people that I used to always hang out with need to know the same love that He has shown me. My efforts to remain a part of their lives became more of a desire to love them selflessly and set a good example for them. Many of the people I got to see are the same people I pray for every day, and it encourages me to see God answering those prayers in their lives. I’m glad that my friends are beginning to see me as someone they can trust and be honest with, and I pray that I can continue to be there for their needs through my prayers, words, and actions.

Of course, this whole “loving people selflessly” thing definitely forces me to constantly check my motives in everything I do. In the past, almost everything I did was ultimately for some form of selfish gain. Even though I have learned to make sacrifices for others now, I still have to constantly remind myself of what it means to live for God and not for myself. At one point during my stay at UCLA, I volunteered myself to do a favor for a couple friends, and ended up not only making things more complicated but also wasting a good chunk of my afternoon by myself. Normally I would get a little angry inside and feel the need to let it out in some way. But I realized that if my motive for helping my friends is pure and I already did my best to help, I really shouldn’t be bothered by the outcome that was beyond my control. During moments like that, I find myself surrounded by the joy of God’s victory, and that joy makes everything I do much more meaningful.

I drove back yesterday night just in time for PACT, during which I once again enjoyed the love of my brothers and sisters in Christ. A few of my friends were having a big dinner party at the same time, and after some consideration I decided to sacrifice the dinner for what I believed would help me more in my walk with God. I made the decision after they told me they were going to be at church this morning, but they never showed up. I’m trying my best not to make any assumptions or judgments, but God only knows what happened last night that made them too tired to wake up this morning. It breaks my heart, because I have been praying for their salvation and commitment to God for a very long time and looked forward to seeing them at church.

I just got off the phone with a friend who has returned from a retreat with her church similar to the one I went to over Winter Break. A week ago she had asked me to pray for her, knowing that she may go through many trials before encountering God’s glory, and I called her to see how the retreat went. She shared the many things that God did in her life over the weekend, and I shared many of my experiences from Winter Retreat too, since her experiences reminded me of my own. It’s been a very long time since I told my Retreat stories, since by now most of the people I talk to regularly have already heard it. But there’s no better way to bring an old story back to life than to tell it to someone verbally. I’ve tried so many times to fill my head with the things God put in my heart on the mountains, but it never worked as well as it did tonight. In the end, her words encouraged me and mine encouraged her, and together the conversation glorified God.

Many times it seems like my prayers for my friends can become more of a checklist then a conversation with God. But I realized that the more I interact with people and understand them, the more genuine my prayers become. Even though it’s easy for me to volunteer to pray for others, it’s not nearly as easy for me to constantly take initiative to check up on them to see what God has been doing in their lives. When it came time for Carol, Mom, and I to gather with our Bibles open and pray for each other, my request was that I will feel more burdened to take a stand for God in my relationships with my friends. I love them so much, but at the same time I often fail to realize what’s best for them, instead choosing to simply let them be happy all the time. I pray that God will expand my love for others so that I will no longer be content with letting our relationships settle for second best, and that my prayers, words, and actions will all be a reflection of the selfless love that He has first shown me.

02/23: Back home after a short but amazing 24 hours at UCLA. Of course, it's hard to spend the night at Hedrick 5N without staying up past 3AM, especially now that I really don't have much of an excuse since I don't have to wake up at 7AM to renew my parking permit. Not having to worry about parking tickets made it much easier for me to relax and spend time with people, so that's exactly what I did. Since I'm quite exhausted now, I'll do a quick summary of the trip, then leave everything else for another entry.

Yesterday - I find it amazing that it was only yesterday that I arrived on campus. It's been so eventful that it felt like several days have gone by. Thanks to surprisingly good traffic conditions (the 405 was actually moving!!), I arrived at UCLA and got my parking permit at exactly 7AM. Turned out Sunny was actually the one that sold me the permit, and I didn't even know she worked there. It felt great to run into someone familiar before I even got out of the car. Called Elizabeth next, picked her up from SMB and parked the car, then had dinner at DeNeve. Went up to Hedrick afterwards and chilled with her and Jane. Jane went to sleep, so Elizabeth and I went to the lounge to do theory homework =). It was fun analyzing the chord progressions from the hip-hop music blasting from the party on the 6th floor. Went to 5 North next and surprised Antony in the bathroom =). Chilled with Trinh and Steffan in Christine's room - apparently that's the party room every night now, even when Christine's not there. She soon came back with Sharon Lee(!) who also came to visit her. (yes, there's a Trojan among us. hmm.....). Having confirmed that I can get signed back into the building (meaning I get a room to sleep in =) ), I went on a little adventure to Bruin Cafe (with my identity changed to "Trinh Le", I had access to any one item of my choice at BC, and also access back inside the building so I didn't have to wait outside in the cold =) ). Talked with Matt by the Puzzles steps for a bit. Went to BC with Christine(Shen) and Suza and met up with Daniel and Sophia. Got our food (smoothy =) ), found an empty table (surprisingly), and chilled there until around 1AM when the need for sleep told us it was time to end the party. Not that I actually expected to get any sleep anytime soon... Went back to Hedrick and Christine(Dang) came to sign me in. Those security people are getting lazier every time I see them... Now they simply ask "have you been a guest before?" and when I say yes they don't bother reciting any of the rules. And apparently they simply wrote "Cal" for my name and "Hristin" for Christine. What da heck!? Anyways... came back to the party at Hristin's room. We took a shower/teethbrushing break with the intention of watching a movie afterwards, but realized we would probably all fall asleep before we made it to the end. And besides, I rarely get a chance to talk to them in person anymore =/. So Christine, Sharon Lee(!), Trinh, and I talked until like 3AMish before sleeping. I actually got a bed all to myself - not the floor, not a corner or a nest or a car... a real bed! hehe...

Today - Christine set her alarm at 10:20AM. She officially woke up at 12:20. Surprise? =) Sharon was slightly more obedient to the clock, but I had plenty of time in the morning to myself, during which I went around leaving notes on people's doors to surprise them. Visited Jerry and Bryce for a bit too - Jerry showed me these amazing promo videos for Gulfstream jets. I want one. haha... Back at Christine's room, I found Christine still asleep, and pursuaded Sharon to wake her up. And Christine actually woke up! (how did she do it!?) Chilled and played Mario while she took a shower, then Christine Sharon Trinh Natalie and I had lunch at Rieber. Yep, Natalie's back to visit too! What an awesome weekend =). Walked back to Hedrick (in the rain). Chilled with Trinh and Diana for a bit. Volunteered to drive Christine and Sharon down to the bus stop (cuz Sharon had to leave to go back to USC and Christine had to go home afterwards too), only to end up trapped in a parking structure with a half-hour-long line to get out. So that plan pretty much failed, and we said bye outside of Diddy Riese, which also had its own insanely long line. The long and lonely wait to get out of the lot wasn't all that bad at the end, cuz Christine(Shen) happened to want a ride back from Westwood and I got to offer a little help, and also got to see her again even though she was so busy today. I also accomplished something else at that parking lot, but I'll save that for the end of the entry =). Back on the Hill, I returned to Hedrick where I left all my stuff. Talked with Diana and Trinh some more, then went to DeNeve for dinner with Julia. Didn't get to see her last time I visited, so we had plenty of catching up to do. An hour and a half flew by quickly, and suddenly I found myself already behind schedule to drive home for cell group. Went to say bye to Jane and Lucy who happened to be eating there too, then said bye to Julia outside the dining hall. Picked up some Bruin Cafe for Trinh on the way back up to Hedrick (I promised to go back and say bye =) ). Said my last goodbyes, then turned around and headed home.

So yea, that was my little amazing adventure at UCLA. The traffic on the way back wasn't all that great, but surprisingly I still made it to PACT in the middle of the game (Mexican bingo! =) ). I guess they started late too. Not that I'm complaining... But anyways, now I'm back at home and it's midnight and I need to shut up and go sleep. But one last thing about that parking structure in Westwood - I went there to figure out the policies for the structure, and got the exact response I wanted. Which means that even though it's still quite early, the NEXT UCLA VISIT is already confirmed! I haven't figured out the exact details yet, but it will be in the beginning of April (week 1-2ish?), and it will be my longest UCLA visit this schoolyear, possibly spanning 3-4 full days. I'm starting to miss people already, and I can't wait to be back again. But for now, it's time to shut up and sleep. Goodnight!

02/21: By this time tomorrow I’ll be at UCLA again for the first time in five weeks. Technically the time gap since the previous visit is the same as the one between that visit and my graduation. Except this time there was no three weeks of Winter Break for everyone to go home and live their own individual lives. As much as I hate to admit it, half a quarter has passed by since the last time I was on campus. And that’s enough time for more changes to take place than I can ever imagine.

As I prepare my belongings for the short trip, I feel the need to prepare my heart as well. It’s hard to explain this kind of feeling unless you’ve actually experienced it yourself. I want to imagine things to be exactly the way they were when I last visited, but it would be foolish to do so, because in the end I’ll only face disappointment from not having my expectations met. Changes have inevitably taken place, for better and for worse. New relationships have formed while others have fallen apart. People have grown in many areas and stumbled in others. It’s impossible for anyone to go through five weeks and not be changed at all; I know this because I’ve changed a lot myself. I’m glad to say that most of these changes involve me becoming more mature in God and learning to trust Him more. In the same way I will inevitably see the changes in the people I visit, they will also see the changes in me.

As much as I wish I can stay in school longer and spend more time with the people I love so much, a part of me feels honored to be able to step out into the real world and bring back new experiences to share with them. And there is no question that these experiences would not have been possible if I didn’t allow God to take control and write my life story. The truth is that college life can be so cluttered that it’s almost impossible to truly experience God on a day-to-day level. Yes, God is everywhere, and He has done many miracles on the UCLA campus during my years as a student. But I was never able to comprehend the freedom He can give until I was able to completely lay aside all the little things that once took His place in my life. And when I begin to look back at UCLA with open eyes, I see so many people whose hearts long for that same freedom. From various phone conversations throughout these past five weeks, I’ve learned that many of my friends are going through struggles, whether it’s stress over academics, emotional turmoil, roommate conflicts, or worries about switching majors or finding jobs. I feel blessed that many people are willing to share their problems with me, and I pray earnestly for each of them on a daily basis. But when I finally see them, will our interactions reflect those prayers, or will we end up pretending like nothing ever happened in fear of having to face awkwardness? Will we be able to pull each other forward, or will we stumble back into the past? I know without doubt that the underlying reason behind almost all of the struggles I’m aware of is the deep cry of hearts for a Savior, whether that means taking a step forward in a relationship with God or simply believing in Him for the first time.

Throughout my years at UCLA I’ve always tried my best to be a good friend. But even in areas that I’m better than most others in, my love is nowhere near perfect. My desire to be a good friend hasn’t changed, except now I know that truly doing so will involve putting others above me rather than always doing what ultimately makes me happy. So I pray that the purpose of tomorrow’s trip will be much more than simply for me to have fun. If God wants to use me to share His love with anyone I interact with, then may I have the wisdom and courage to take a stand for the truth. May I be humble and receptive to His calling, placing His desires above my own. If God wants to use me to further His Kingdom, then may my own desires and plans not hinder Him from doing so. May His will continue to be done in my life and in the lives of everyone I interact with during this trip.

02/21: Added pictures from last weekend's conference. Pics from Ben's birthday and Shaw's house also added. It's been a pretty quiet week ever since I woke up realizing it was raining, meaning all the yardwork I've been doing will have to wait (it can be really addicting, and I want to do more! =) ). ClayMusic left for Taiwan this morning and they should be on the plane as I'm writing this. May God bless their travel and their health, both physically and spiritually, and may each concert and event give God glory above all else. Meanwhile, I'm still staying in America, living my daily life. Actually, things aren't all that routine now - as of this week, I have an additional student two nights a week =). I guess a part of me prefers to keep my nights free, but then again it's not like anyone is around to hang out with me during the week anyways, so I might as well use it to help others and boost my income a little =). And as usual, God gave me this opportunity, so I'm just gonna keep praying that it will go as He plans. Tonight will be my second time there, and after that I'm gonna start preparing for the little trip I've looked forward to for almost a month already. UCLA BRUINS, see you guys tomorrow night! =)

02/18: I just got home after the last of three mornings of ClayMusic worship leading for the Bridges International conference. It’s been very exhausting waking up at 6:30AM every morning to go to the Anahem/Orange County Doubletree, followed by practicing each day for the next morning’s set. But of course, it was worth the sacrifice. This is ClayMusic’s first event this year, and I’m very glad to be a part of it. And there’s really nothing that can compare to the knowledge that God is using us to work for His kingdom.

I love playing for the same group of people for multiple consecutive events. On the first day there’s always that slight tension that results from the performer-audience relationship. But it slowly fades away as we interact with the group through music and understand what gets the people excited and what makes them bored. People begin to open up to us more, and we begin to feel more comfortable around them too. And the end result is a united body of worshippers giving glory to God.

After this morning’s worship set, I got to spend some time talking with several people who attended the conference and wanted to meet me. And now that I’m back at home after that amazing adventure, I can’t help but reflect on everything that happened. Everyone craves a little attention once in a while, and I think it’s especially true for us artists living in this success-driven society. Of course, we all need to learn the important lesson of being confident in ourselves even in the midst of negative criticism. But after putting effort into any performance, it’s great to know that our work is appreciated. The real problem, then, is how we respond to the praise we receive. A brief moment of after-concert glory can put a smile on my face for a whole day, but in the end it’s only right for me to acknowledge that I did not earn that glory on my own. In the same way I humbly fall on my knees during times of trouble and ask God for help, I need to humble myself in the midst of joy and direct the praise to God. It’s so easy for Christian artists to lose focus on the true purpose of their works, and many times success directly corresponds to pride, and performances are no longer fueled by a desire to serve God. But if even selfish motives can bring so much glory, how much more can God use his servants for His glory!

In the middle of what almost felt like a small backstage interview this morning, I was asked several times what I plan to do with music in the future. It’s a question I often ask myself too. I know that neither my current job as a tutor nor my little musical studies and experimentations will be sufficient in the near future when I begin to pay back college loans. To be honest, I really don’t know what I’m going to do with my music degree. But the more I think about it, the more content I am with where God has led me so far. My pursuit of music in college, my job as a daily tutor, and my internship at Uncle Samuel’s studio are all results of answered prayers, and each answer came so clearly that I am left with no doubt at all. So if God has been able to open all these doors for me, shouldn’t I also believe that He can close them and open new ones when the time comes? As long as I’ve trusted God, He has made my paths straight as promised, and what makes me confident that I’m doing fine is that my life as a musician is being used for His kingdom. My prayer is that no matter where this musical journey will lead me, my goal will always be to give Him glory above all else.

02/17: In the middle of an awesome 3-day weekend of worshipping God at a conference with ClayMusic. The downside to this is having to wake up at 6:30AM on a Saturday morning(!!) to drive there (it's in Orange... or Anaheim. I'm not sure =/ ). And since it's three mornings in a row, that means today wasn't much different from yesterday, and tomorrow won't be much different either. But that's okay - there really isn't a better way to start off every morning than worshipping God. And one thing I absolutely love about ClayMusic is that we are always extremely well fed (both physically and spiritually =) ). Add that to the fact that my uncle from Georgia came to visit this week, and the result is a weekend filled with food, food, and more food.

So let's start with Saturday. Woke up, ate breakfast at home, then went to the conference. after worship we came back to Luis' house in Walnut to practice for the next morning's set, and since not everyone ate breakfast already, we thought some McDonalds would be a good idea. so we all had hash browns, McMuffins, and orange juice. Fast forward about an hour, and we're about to drive out of Luis' neighborhood when we decided we should take Uncle out to lunch. So we treated ourselves to some soup and rice at a nearby restaurant, which was located right by BinBin Konjac. So guess where we went after that =). Sure, we were full. But we couldn't resist the BinBin offer. Went home, took a short nap, did some yardwork, and went out to dinner with Uncle. There was a little time to kill before PACT, so we headed straight for Pinkberry =).

Fast forward to today. Pretty much the same routine as yesterday - wake up, breakfast, coffee, worship, McDonalds, rehearsal. All that ended at around 12:30, meaning even though we weren't hungry, it simply felt right to eat during lunchtime. So we did. Ordered way more food than we could finish, so we took half of it home. Then Ken called to invite me to join him and Julia at UCC Coffee for a late lunch. I went of course, but settled for just a cup of coffee. I've never been to that place before - it feels so high-class compared to what I usually eat. And it's my first time seeing HWL Plaza from inside a store even though I go there so often to take pictures. Anyways, went to watch the church B-ball game for a little bit, then came back home, and that's where I am now. It's quite rare for me to say this, but after a weekend like this, I'm really not hungry at all. But it's around dinnertime right now, and if I don't eat then I'll be hungry later at night and start eating junk food, and that's not good. So Mom's going out to get some KFC right now =).

This has definitely been a strange weekend so far, cuz my schedule is so different from what it's usually like. And it hasn't quite sunk in yet that I'm waking up early again tomorrow. But that's okay, it's not gonna be a problem if I sleep early enough. And I'm definitely excited to see God working in people's lives at the conference.

02/14: In light of Valentine’s Day and several friends telling me their romantic dinner plans or even asking for suggestions despite my lack of experience, I can’t help but ask myself the same thing most of them probably want to ask me – “What are you still waiting for?” There’s been quite a diverse spectrum of answers over the years, from “nobody’s gonna like me back anyway” to “I’m simply not ready” to “what’s the rush?”. Spending the first decade and a half of my life as a loner meant pretty much no potential for any kind of relationship. But God was at work all along; when I went to college and began to think about the things that define my life, the realization of my purity in this area gave me motivation to not break it.

Most people don’t know this about me, but I’ve had so many random crushes throughout high school and college that I can’t even count them all. I remember writing a few years ago that I benefit from every crush because it motivates me to become more than I thought was possible, and those changes remain even when the original motivation ceases. Many of the little things that define me now are the results of former crushes, whether they knew it or not. But even though I allowed them to silently change my life in so many ways, I never took action to initiate anything. The reason? In high school, I was simply too young and immature. In college, I was too busy figuring out my own life. God took me through a journey full of unexpected twists and turns, and there was no way for me to settle down and commit to anyone. I’ve always believed that it’s important to know myself first before letting someone else define me in such an intimate way. And the more I realized that each of my crushes was based almost entirely on emotions, the more thankful I became for my ability to remain pure.

I know what all of you are thinking – “You won’t know until you try”. Yes, I admit, despite the countless “I’m not ready” answers I gave throughout the years, much of that is simply because I was too afraid to try. Sure, I was too busy figuring out my own life first, and that could be a good thing. But I was equally busy being consumed by my fear of stepping into failure, and I knew all along that I have to overcome this fear sooner or later. Countless people have warned me that after college it is extremely difficult to meet women, and having graduated for a couple months already, I’m starting to understand their advice more and more. But that doesn’t make me worried. One thing I know for sure is that I deeply value friendship, and the only reason people may think I’m “popular” at school is that I make an effort to keep in touch with as many people as possible. True, most of them are simply acquaintances. But it was in that sea of acquaintances that I discovered some of my greatest friendships in college. It’s no less true regarding friendship that you won’t know until you try, and in this area I’ve definitely tried my best.

So what about going beyond “just friends”? First of all, I don’t believe it is right to love a girl romantically without first loving her as a sister in Christ. And the more I grow and mature, the more I realize how incapable I am of giving the kind of love I want my girlfriend/wife to receive from me. Again, I know, I’m not entirely sure since I never really let myself try before. But the more I see my many weaknesses, the more I appreciate my decision to wait until I’m more able to love others the way God wants me to love them. Let me give one big honest example – lust. Let’s face it, guys, as much as we consider ourselves Christians, the inevitable truth is that very few of us have control over our fleshly desires. How many of us realize that even the smallest thought of lust over a woman can deeply affect our relationship with the many sisters that God placed in our lives? I honestly didn’t until about a month and a half ago, when I realized that despite me always trying to appear like a good friend to the girls in my life, my attitude toward them wasn’t the attitude God wanted me to have. For those who struggle with these things, I strongly recommend reading “Every Young Man’s Battle”, a book that specifically targets the issues of purity and integrity from God’s point of view.

My standard throughout the years was to treat girls with respect and consideration and not force them to always do things my way like many guys would. But God wants much more; all my actions result in nothing without the right motivation – love. With love, I will not judge girls by the way they look or dress. With love, I will get out of my own way to demonstrate to them the love that God first gave me. Let’s admit it, guys, it’s so easy to put on a mask around certain girls and be completely different around others. And it’s almost impossible to sacrifice ourselves for their needs and get absolutely no benefit from it. That’s because true love comes from God, and the only way to learn it and live it out in our lives is through a healthy relationship with Him. God desires the patient and kind love found in 1 Corinthians 13, and accepts not even a trace of sexual immorality, which includes both thoughts and actions. How, then, can we expect our impure thoughts to benefit our relationships with the girls in our lives? How can I allow myself to start an intimate relationship with a girl when I’m constantly realizing how many ways I can easily hurt her? As much as I choose to wait because of my fears, I wait because I want to love her as much as possible.

I bought “Every Young Man’s Battle” about a year ago, and I’m glad to say that after several failed attempts to read it due to its high standards, I finally reached the last page this morning. What better time to complete such an amazing journey than on this glorious day of celebrating love? Many people try to run away from Valentine’s Day because they see it as a day to remember the failures of past relationships or grieve over being single. But I believe that this is a day to rejoice, even for us singles, because we know that God will provide for us the perfect significant other when the time is right. In my life God has written many stories filled with adventure and passion. Isn’t it only logical that He can also write a romantic love story? Yes, I know, I can’t use this as an excuse to never make an effort to initiate. The Bible says that faith without works is dead, and that applies to this situation too. We all have our own weaknesses to overcome when it comes to relationships, and for me it’s my fear of failure. As I continue to fight against lust and selfishness, I pray that I can also fight against this fear.

For now, one thing I know is that the more I commit to God’s standards, the more I understand the true meaning of love. And the more I know love, the more love I desire. I definitely need to be thinking more about who I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I really don’t know when the time will come for me to jump out of my two-decade-old singleness bubble. My current take on this issue is that I would like to find a relatively stable job first before entering into a relationship, so that I will be able to support her without disappointing both of us at the end. But if God sees it differently, then let His will be done, because there is no one I trust more as the author of my life than the One who created me in His image. I often find myself extremely curious as to who my future wife will be – perhaps she’s someone I already know as a close friend now, or perhaps I only know her by name but never really talked to her before. Or perhaps our lives are still yet to cross paths for the first time. But on the day I find out, I’ll be sure to remember this entry and praise God for His unfailing plans in my life. What a blessing it will be to enter into a relationship in which I can feel special in the same way I make her feel special, and together we can live to give glory to God! With that said, I wish everyone a happy Valentine’s Day, and I pray that no matter what stage we are at regarding relationships, we can continue to trust in the God of love to write the greatest love stories in our lives.

02/11: It's official. The beasts have been unleashed in Walnut and Diamond Bar. Now that the weather is more consistently sunny and the joy of spring has come, it's time for exotic car owners to put their toys to good use. Check this out - Wednesday: Mercedes S-Class Lorinser, white, Walnut. Friday afternoon: Ferrari F430 Spider, grey, Walnut. Friday night: Bentley Continental Flying Spur, white, Diamond Bar. Saturday: Aston Martin V8 Vantage, black, Brea. Sunday: Shelby Cobra, grey, Diamond Bar. Monday: Lamborghini Murcielago, yellow, Walnut. Oh wait, that's today huh? I'm definitely starting to look forward to my daily commute across Walnut more than ever before, and not just because I shot that Murcie today. This may sound a bit crazy, but the F430 Spider, S-Class Lorinser, and Murcielago were all spotted at the same plaza in Walnut. If that's not crazy enough, this plaza happens to be the exact same one where I caught a yellow Diablo VT 6.0 and blue Skyline R34 GT-R(!!!) last summer. And believe it or not, this plaza is NOT Hing Wa Lee! Oh and there's a Prowler that goes there every day too, not bad for a desperate ex-Beverly Hills car spotter seeking a little eye candy in a city where the nearest exotic car dealer is at least half an hour away.

I only discovered this place after various suspicions prompted me to leave home for work a few minutes early to explore, and that's how I found the F430 and Murcielago. I've always known that the strip I take to work every day will offer me surprises once in a while, and now I can say for the first time since I left Beverly Hills that I'm quite content with what I've been able to shoot. Of course, all these surprises make me extremely curious about why they took place. The exact reason behind these occurances remains a mystery; it's a fairly large labyrinth of a plaza, and aside from the F430 and Murcielago, every spotting took place at a different location, spanning the plaza's entire width. All you experienced car spotters out there know that suspicions like this almost always turn out to be worthwhile. I look forward to uncovering more of this mystery in the coming weeks and bringing back some good shots while I'm at it. For now, all I know for sure is that I'm going to leave home a little early for work every day and take a small detour to give myself a little treat!

02/10: Another Sunday night. Another week passed, and another week is about to begin. After an eventful weekend, I'm quite exhausted and eager to go get some sleep. But as it becomes increasingly difficult for me to lay aside my daily worries and meditate on God's love, I want to make sure I cherish this moment before entering into another busy week.

I know, my life really isn't all that busy compared to those of most people my age. But this past week was definitely much more tightly scheduled than previous weeks. After a long hiatus due to technical issues, Uncle Samuel's studio is now back in working order, and I've been spending several hours there almost every day. That, plus my daily tutoring work, along with various errands to run and favors to fulfill, made me slowly lose my focus as the week progressed. I've always known that my strength alone is not sufficient to defeat the devil; only by the power of God can I find victory. And as I slowly lost focus on God, I became less and less motivated to fight. There were several instances when I was so selfish, impatient, and quick to anger that I didn't feel much different than how I did before Retreat. And there were times when my struggle with keeping my mind free from lust became pretty much a slow downward spiral toward separation from God. At one point I felt so distant from God that I decided to allow myself to indulge in sin that I had thought was wiped out from my life after Retreat, then return to God to pray and say sorry.

And that's exactly what happened. Of course, I made sure to pray that I would not be tempted to treat God's constant forgiveness as an excuse to return to sin over and over again. Yes, it was very foolish of me to totally abuse my relationship with God, thinking it was okay to put sin before Him. But as I fell on my knees and meditated on the prodigal son's return to his father's embrace, God's love seemed so much more beautiful. Suddenly I understood why Jesus said "it is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick" (Matthew 9:12). That prayer become not only a prayer for forgiveness, but a decision to recommit myself to being pure and righteous for His glory.

It wasn't long before I found myself at cell group and at church, and in both places I shared my struggles and received prayer. In the same way, many others also received this freedom once again. I was blessed with opportunities to pray for my brothers and sisters too. In fact, throughout the week God has allowed me to have many conversations with my friends that involved digging into each other's lives beyond what was shallow and comfortable. And each of those conversations left me more blessed than I was before it. Last night, I stayed up several hours later than I planned to, talking on the phone with a friend who shared the reasons behind her tears. I felt so blessed to be someone she could be honest with, even though there wasn't much I could do to help. But that's what prayer is for, and I believe that as I recommit my heart to God, my prayers both for myself and for others will also become more genuine.

My lack of sleep was definitely for a good cause, even though I was a bit afraid that I wouldn't have enough energy to stay focused through our family Bible study time. When it came time to share and pray, there was a slight feeling of uneasiness in the air, and at first we blamed it on the fact that we were all tired. But by the grace of God, we gave the problem a little more time, and soon the tears began to fall and authenticity began to break loose. I happened to be more or less the mediator in this situation, and because I was unable to give a definite yes or no answer, all I could do was encourage them to trust in God and offer to pray for them. It felt a bit weird at first, since I wasn't used to being the one to suggest and initiate prayer at home. But what a blessing it was to realize that through God's love we have all become a source of strength for one another! The truth is that we are rarely completely honest when we enter a time of prayer and remain silent when asked to share our needs. Even though God has blessed this family so much, it's still tempting at times to keep things hidden like we've done for so long before Winter Break. But as we've all learned already, vulnerability becomes easier as more people around us open up their lives to God's light, and the bigger the fire gets, the harder it is to put out. As I enter another week, there's nothing more encouraging to me than knowing that the fire is still blazing, and that there's no better place to be than right here in God's light.

02/08: "Nations will come to Your light, and kings to the brightness of your dawn". "Now is the time for us to shine, shine with the face of Christ divine". "Look up, look in, look out". Sound a little familiar? If so, this entry is written for you. Can you believe it's been over a month already? Me neither. We've definitely come a very long way since Winter Retreat. Each time I think about it, I find myself amazed once again at God's greatness. We've all experienced God's love at Retreat and taken it back with us to our everyday lives, whether it's at home, at school, at work, or at church. Sure, we might not all have done so successfully; I know I definitely haven't. But thankfully we can return to God's embrace time after time, and His love for us doesn't change. For some of us, life now doesn't seem much different from how it was before Winter Break. For others, there is a stronger motivation to fight to live a life that is pleasing to God. Some of us may have lost the fire, while others may have experienced miracles and live passionately for God. Either way, it's great to remember that the God that watches over us in our everyday lives now is the same God that revealed Himself to us in the mountains. Sure, we know that we can't depend on that "retreat high" to keep us close to God. Life moves on, and we must allow God to continue writing our life stories. But when God writes an amazing story, it can be used as a constant reminder of His greatness in our lives. After all, a little reflecting isn't going to hurt, right? So let's take some time out of our busy lives and think back at the end of 2007. Turn off your televisions and lay aside your phones and Buddylists. Stop thinking about the digits on the clock or the words on your to-do list; God is bigger than them all. Remember when we stayed up until 3 in the morning cherishing the joy of our authentic community? The same God who touched us that night is still here now, and He's waiting to touch you again if you're willing to let Him.

Remember the words that God spoke through Pastor Jay. Isaiah saw the Lord high and exalted on His throne, and the train of his robe filled the temple with glory. At the sight of such glory, he confessed to being a man of unclean lips, unworthy of seeing the King. But think about how this same God has changed our lives! Our sins and struggles became so worthless when we were close to God, and we became so free when we laid them all at the cross. As cliché as it may sound now, the same words can continue to shape our lives today - look up, look in, look out.

Remember when we sat in a circle with our eyes closed and received anonymous taps on our shoulders. Think about the many categories that you were tapped for, especially the ones that you least expected. Think about the people that you influence, and those who influence you, and how great it felt to realize that you’re loved by the people around you. We all need this kind of encouragement in our lives, and by the grace of God we now have a community where we can show our appreciation and concern for one another without having to remain anonymous.

Remember the night when God poured out His spirit on our community, resulting in several hours of loving one another through forgiveness, prayer, and vulnerability. Thank God for allowing us to take that authenticity down the mountain with us to our church and cell groups! Think about the joy of knowing that people love us despite our sins! Wasn't it great to be shameless before God and before each other? Wasn't it great to know that we could speak about the deepest burdens on our hearts and not have to feel embarassed or rejected? We no longer love one another out of selfish motives, but by a clear knowledge that we are all sinners and need to be reminded of God’s love and forgiveness. And because we strive to live for God, our love for one another does not run dry.

Look at your life right now. Are you still striving to live by the standards God gave you in the mountain? When you fall into sin (which we all do), do you turn to God for forgiveness, or do you let the guilt and shame prevent you from receiving His grace? How has our experience of God at Retreat changed our attitudes toward our families, our jobs, our schools, and our Christian communities?

Look at our church right now. We have clearly grown a lot, but it couldn’t have happened without us accepting our roles in the body of Christ. Do we look forward to going to cell and church each weekend as much as we did in the first week after Retreat? Are we still brave enough to cry in times of struggle and dance in times of joy without worrying about the people worshipping next to us? Do we still treat our pastors and leaders with respect without being quick to criticize them in their weaknesses? After all, none of us are perfect, and on this side of eternity none of us will ever be. That’s exactly why we need God, and that’s exactly why we need each other.

It’s simply amazing how much impact a few days can have on an entire month. And fortunately we have many ways of remembering what God has done in those few days. Open the folder or notebook you took notes in and take some time to let God’s words speak to you again. Take out the bag where people left you notes of encouragement. Listen to the worship songs that we sang so passionately each day. Call up a friend who was there and share the good memories. Even looking at pictures from Retreat can remind us of the great things God has done. Reflecting on those things can draw us closer to the intimacy in God we experienced during that time, but we also must move forward and continue letting Him write our life stories. We not only fought hard to keep the fire burning in our lives, but passed it on to others in our community, even those who weren’t at Retreat. Think about all the testimonies in our own lives and in the lives of those around us. Isn’t it so encouraging to see God at work in one another? Each answered prayer is a new story in itself, and in the same way Retreat fueled our lives when we returned home, may each of these stories draw us closer to God, so that the genuine love of our community will only continue to increase as the weeks pass by.

If I had known a month ago that our church community can be as authentic as it is now, I would have been overjoyed beyond description. But if I had known a month ago how often I would stumble into sin, even during the process of writing this entry, I would probably fall on my knees weeping and trembling in God’s presence. As much as we hate to admit it, life in the “valley” definitely isn’t easy. Sometimes our lives can seem so boring and directionless, and sometimes God can seem so far away. Sometimes sin can appear to be so beautiful, and it becomes easier for us to allow barriers to rise between us and God. But isn't it great to realize that we have many brothers and sisters in those times who will forgive and encourage us rather than criticize us? Through them our hearts will continue to burn for God as we pass the flame to one another to make sure the fire is always burning. Isn’t it great to remember that as long as we trust in Him with all our hearts, our paths will be made straight? Sure, it’s been a long time since we experienced that “spiritual high” in the mountains. But God is so much greater than our own temporary emotions and feelings, and His love for us never changes. We can turn back to Him time after time, and He’s always running toward us with open arms ready to embrace us as His own children.

So may we continue to step forward every day with the same courage and motivation we had at Retreat. May we believe that there is no problem too big for God to handle, and allow Him to write our life stories for His glory. May we continue to let His light shine on us as we share both our greatest joys and our deepest struggles with one another at church, at cell group, or even during a random weekday, allowing God to continue to transform our lives through this authentic community. Above all else, may we continue to trust in God in all areas of our lives and allow His perfect will to be done.

02/03: SNU time again. This past week was the outcome of last week's decision to let God turn the page and continue writing my life story. And it's actually been quite interesting so far. As planned last week, I woke up no later than 9:30AM every morning to make my life more productive. I tried my best not to enter into prayer until my heart was right with God and my mind was able to focus on Him. Sometimes I had to scatter my prayers throughout the day so they would not become routine. Sometimes I had to listen to a worship song or sing a few lines of love in order to clear my mind of all the distractions in my life. Waking up early every day gave me far more time than I needed in the morning, and it helped me to read the Bible without worrying about the clock. I combined scripture and prayer to strengthen the effects of both in my life. And after doing these things for a week, I'm glad to say that even as my "Retreat High" slowly continues to decline, for the first time my relationship with God has been freed from that downward pattern.

As for my struggle with falling into depression due to loneliness, I realized that a lot of times my sudden feelings of loneliness comes from me refusing to give God full control of my life, therefore allowing my selfish nature to take control. The truth is that if my relationship with God is healthy, there's no such thing as a boring day. So even though this past week was still more or less routine, I felt strong through most of the times when I would have otherwise felt lonely. Knowing the importance of community and my need to go out and socialize, I looked forward to going to PACT this week more than I ever did before, and was once again deeply blessed by the love I saw in the people around me.

My only "complaint" about going to PACT was that a couple friends that wanted to hang out with me ended up deciding to meet up at the exact same time, and I had to sacrifice the chance to see them in favor of meeting with my fellowship. Deep inside I knew I did the right thing, but I still felt lonely, especially on Friday night when I first realized I was going to have to make the sacrifice. While it wasn't nearly as bad as the previous week, I still found myself desperate for attention, love, and whatever else could fish me out of the pit I fell into - even if it required sin. Fortunately, the idea of turning to sin to fulfill my emptiness remained as no more than thoughts. God opened my eyes to notice a letter from a friend that had been left on my desk unnoticed, and I opened it to discover a few simple sentences thanking me for being a good friend and reminding me that God has not neglected me. At that moment my loneliness vanished, and I realized how even a simple letter can be used by God to completely transform a person's attitude. In fact, that letter touched me more deeply than even hanging out with people for a whole night could.

Shortly after that incident, I witnessed God's greatness in the life of a member of my mom's cell group who we have both been praying consistently for. After over two decades of being addicted to smoking, she gathered her lighter, ashtray, and the remains of her last pack of cigarettes, and gave them up before God in front of the whole group, believing that the battle against her addiction is worth fighting for God. When my mom told me what had happened, I was moved to the brink of tears. I returned to my room later that night to find a missed call from a few friends from UCLA, who I ended up talking to for the rest of the night. Had that phone call come a couple hours earlier, it could have temporarily cured my loneliness. But God allowed me to receive His blessings first, so that my conversation with my friends would not be of a selfish motive. I pray that as God continues to demonstrate His power in my life, I can continue to be aware of the needs of those around me and let God's love in my life overflow into theirs.

Today I had the honor of playing in the worship team at church. It's my first time playing for worship in the English congregation this year, and without a doubt it is one the most incredible times I've ever played on stage in front of these people. After Retreat, everything about my life seems much more real - the way I talk to my friends and family, the way I read my Bible, the way I pray, the way I share about my week during cell group, and of course, the way I worship. We’re all familiar with the idea of singing worship songs but not really living out their lyrics. That can be especially true for people like me who serve on the worship team only as an instrumentalist. Yes, the music can give God glory. But it’s hard to grasp the entire picture consisting of the music, the words, the people, and God. It’s nearly impossible to play on stage without noticing when people are watching me, and I confess that sometimes I allow my eyes and my mind to wander far away from God while playing worship songs on the keyboard. It’s quite typical to hear worship team members pray that their “lives can reflect the words they sing” – I’ve said these exact words at least a hundred times. But only through a genuine and completely selfless desire to worship God can this prayer truly become meaningful.

Almost every worship team I’ve participated in has given me something to complain about – people who are always late, people who don’t practice, people who suck at their instrument, and people who expect everyone to do exactly as they say. But what about myself? Am I blameless enough to be the one to criticize them? If God put us together as a team, then the most important thing I need to do is learn to work as a team and accept each person the way they are. There are times when constructive criticism is a good thing, but that won’t happen unless we all set our minds on the same goal – to use the gifts that God has given us for His glory. As cliché as it sounds, I’ve had to remind myself countless times that it’s not about the worship team putting on a show for everyone. And if I really want to be humble before God, I need to stop filling my head with worries about how I look and sound on stage. So that’s what I did today. Of course, I’m nowhere near perfect. But I’m slowly learning to take the focus off myself and turn it toward God. And with the desire for unity comes a new joy of worshipping together as a community, whether onstage or offstage.

I realized that as much as I have trouble containing both the music and the lyrics in my head, the words will come alive in me if my heart is right with God. Until this past month, I rarely felt compelled to suddenly lay aside my daily tasks and spend time singing praise songs to God. But in the same way music can enhance the meaning of words, a deep understanding of the words can make the music much more meaningful. The songs that I feel most compelled to sing are usually the simple ones, often repeating the same lyrics over and over again. “Jesus, thank You”. “I love You”. “Hallelujah”. “Hosanna in the highest”. The more these phrases are repeated with a desire to draw close to God, the more they come alive. And through them I feel God reminding me of His greatness over and over again, giving me strength to face each day of my life.

After church today, a large group of people decided to go have lunch together at a nearby Pho restaurant. I wasn’t planning on going at first, since I had already eaten some food at church. But I went anyway, and I’m very glad I did. Fellowshipping always brings joy and encouragement, and I can never have too much of either one. After lunch, several of us decided to hang out at Shaw’s house, and I ended up spending the rest of the afternoon there. I came home for dinner, and afterwards Carol, Mom, and I had our weekly family Bible study and sharing time. What a great way to celebrate the end of another incredible week!

It’s hard to believe that over a month has passed since Winter Retreat, and every time I think about it, I’m still amazed at all the many changes that have taken place in my life and in the lives of people around me. I’ll save all those reflections for another day, but as I sit here thinking about all that God has done, one phrase from a worship song I played this morning keeps repeating itself in my head. “I love You Lord, I just want to say, I love You Lord, as simple as it sounds, in You my heart is found, I love you”. Isn’t that exactly what life after retreat has been all about? We’ve learned to have an authentic community, share our deepest joys and pains with one another, seek God with a greater passion, and fight against the many sins in our lives, and the only way to explain these things is through the fact that we love God. The more we express our love for God and trust Him, the more our lives begin to make sense. So that’s my prayer for this new week. As temptations continue to grow, may my strength in God remain strong. As I continue to spend time every day seeking God and living out His love, may every moment be genuine, without anything in my life standing between us. And as this love continues to grow in me, may I let it overflow to those around me so they can also see His greatness.

02/01: Something very small but amazing just happened, and I thought I should write a little about it. After all, what else is there to do on a Friday night these days? It's the time of the week when almost everyone is either at their church small group meetings (mine is on Saturday) or hanging out with their other friends not realizing that I'm sitting around with nothing to do. It's the end of another schoolweek/workweek - another week of pretty much nothing to be excited about. Yea I know, I didn't forget about last night - it was definitely a lot of fun. But then again, the whole hanging out and eating pizza part only happened because of the recording session preceding it, so in a sense it's not purely for the purpose of having fun. I definitely feel a bit selfish when I say I want to only have fun, but all I want is a chance to just go out with some friends with no work or obligation involved, and I believe if my heart is right with God, spending time hanging out with friends can definitely glorify Him. Last weekend I realized how blessed I am to be part of PACT after being deeply encouraged by simply talking with others and sharing about each other's lives. But once a week just isn't enough, and even though this week is already much better than last week, I still felt myself slowly getting engulfed by loneliness. And it usually doesn't get any worse than on Friday night.

A couple friends that I haven't seen in a long time invited me to hang out with them tomorrow, and I had looked forward to seeing them all week, until I realized they are only free tomorrow after 8PM - right when PACT starts. I was very tempted to ditch PACT, knowing I can see those people every week. But I decided that as desperate as I was feeling, I shouldn't put my own desires above my need for God through my fellowship. So there goes that plan. For the past couple hours I've been sitting in my room fiddling with the computer, not quite sure what to do with my time, and not really wanting to do anything by myself. I tried calling a few friends, but nobody picked up their phones. As I laid on my bed staring at the ceiling, I began thinking about the possibility of returning to some of the habitual sins that once consumed my life before I went to Retreat. Yes, I know it's not right. But I was so desperate for something to brighten up my life that even the darkest sins I have committed in the past seemed tempting, as long as they gave me something "fun" to do.

Fortunately, I forced myself to get up before any of those sins became more than a thought. I sat back down at my desk and decided to kill time by ripping open the stack of mail I got today. I had left them unopened knowing there was nothing fun about opening a bunch of advertisements, bills, and other documents. I picked up an ad and placed it in the trash pile, then realized that the next envelope was a handwritten one. Since I have several pen-pals and always look forward to receiving their letters, I normally run to my room with handwritten envelopes, eager to open them as soon as possible. But somehow this one had gone unnoticed, lost in a sea of not-so-interesting mail. I curiously picked it up and realized it was from a friend who had never written to me before. I eagerly opened it and read the short letter.

"thanks for being who you are. i really do appreciated you. although i really don't know you too well, its been a blessing to just simply have you as a friend for all these years. keep on being who you are, i am confident that God has huge plans for your life." I realized the envelope wasn't empty yet, and reached inside to find another little surprise.

01/31: Just got back from Marcus' house after an awesome and tiring day. For those who don't know, I have the honor of being a part of Jason O'Neil's upcoming CD. One of the tracks needs some jazz background music, and Marcus recruited Alun and I to to take care of keyboard and drums while he plays the sax. Yea I know... me? Jazz? Come on... it seems like I've successfully convinced everyone around me that I actually know how to play jazz. The truth is - and I've said this a million times - that all the "jazz" I play is just a bunch of memorized clips from existing improv sessions. But when it comes to having to create something original to record for a CD, I'm not exactly all that confident. So I admit I kind of cheated - the stuff I played tonight was actually all prepared in advance through lots of practicing at home. But then again, isn't that a good place to begin learning from? In the same way I picked up pop/worship improvisation through transcribing and memorizing a bunch of existing songs, I'm pretty sure the same theory applies to jazz. After all, the point of music is simply to make something that sounds good =).

With the help of Caleb, we were able to get everything set up and recorded in just a few takes. Of course, there were plenty of technical difficulties - malfunctioning technology, a take that mysteriously vanished from the computer, a bunch of recording quality control issues, and headphones that only work on one side and dangle like a giant earring on the other. But at the end everything turned out just fine.

Afterwards Alun Grover and I went to Marcus' house after picking up some Round Table pizza and watched a little TV while eating. So even though it's 11PM right now, I feel like I just finished dinner. Actually, I didn't exactly starve all night, since the family I tutor surprised me with... a boba!! It's my second one this week. It's impossible for me to be in a bad mood when there's boba in front of me, so even though I was quite tired and stressed about having the recording session right after tutoring, at least I had a nice little beverage to keep me company on my way there. So anyways, I guess by now the caffiene should have worn off already, meaning it's time to go to sleep. Goodnight!

1/30: Spontaneous entry in the middle of a more or less spontaneous week. Went to run some errands with Mom this morning, and caught this baby cruising down Nogales.

1/27: Sunday night again. I have to admit this past week was more on the rougher side. It's not that anything particularly bad happened, but I simply felt a lack of passion toward life in general. One of my biggest character flaws is that when I look forward to doing something and suddenly discover that it won't happen as planned, I get extremely frustrated and often can’t get over the fact that my expectations have been shattered. Even though there’s plenty I can do with the free time I gain from cancelled plans, I usually refuse to do them, and choose to sit around and let the time waste away. Situations like that happened several times in this past week, and they left me longing for a good reason to get out of the house and find people to hang out with. But of course, during the week almost everyone is either at school or at work, and very few people have the time and energy to go out and have fun. So I swallowed my wish for someone to call me to go hang out and continued allowing myself to sit around and waste time away.

I guess this week has been a series of silent battles, fought between God, Satan, and me. My lack of motivation to be productive was clearly demonstrated by my declining desire to spend time with God, and as a result I didn’t have the strength I needed to fight on His side. Sure, my family told me that I was a lot more willing to help them than I was a month ago. But I still had to apologize during our Bible Study time earlier tonight and tell them that I’m still not loving them wholeheartedly like I did when I first returned from Retreat. What I needed most was something tangible that could bring me closer to God, and I’m glad to say that even though things did not become perfect after the weekend, I definitely see much more hope than I did a few days ago. Much of that hope appeared last night when I went to PACT.

I’ve always been more or less a quiet member of PACT, speaking only when called on and rarely initiating conversations with others. After Retreat, I found myself looking forward to our weekly meetings more than ever before, not only for worshipping God, but also to participate in the community of believers that He has placed me in. As I drove to PACT last night, I suddenly realized that this community was exactly what I needed. Throughout the week I had been fighting alone, struggling with praying wholeheartedly and reading the Bible passionately. When I’m in the midst of other Christians gathering for the same purpose of worshipping God, the encouragement comes to me even without any words. Throughout the night, I got to talk with several brothers and sisters, hearing their stories and exchanging prayers for one another. I realized once again that we were all people who need God, and it helped shine a light in my own heart and give me a desire for change.

Jason shared a message on Jesus’ calling of Simon (Luke 5:1-11). It was one of those Bible stories that I’ve read a million times, and I often make the mistake of dismissing it as too elementary. But after studying it again, two main points stuck out to me. First, when Simon pulled up so many fish that the nets began to break, he didn’t ask Jesus to miraculously stop the net from breaking, but rather signaled his partners on the other boat to come and help. Sometimes when God performs a miracle, it can’t be complete without the help of other people. Throughout this past week I’ve worked hard to carry the work God is doing in my life on my own shoulders, but it could not be completed without a community to love, encourage, discipline, and support me. When I went to PACT, I knew deep inside that at last, I had found what I needed all along.

The second point struck me as the most interesting. After the fishermen caught an overwhelming amount of fish that could feed them for months and bring them great wealth, they left everything and followed Jesus. But what happened to all the fish? When Jason first asked that question, I treated it as a joke. But soon it became clear that there was a very important lesson for me to learn. Even though the miracle was so great, it was nothing compared to the one who performed it, and the disciples knew that the opportunity to follow Jesus was worth far more than all the fish they caught. Even though all the things that happened in my life at Retreat were miraculous, I need to stop focusing on the fact that a miracle has happened in my life and look forward, knowing that the miracle is only a small glimpse of God’s power. Sure, it’s great to tell the story of my transformation to people around me so they can also be blessed by it. But if I want God to continue writing this story, then I need to let Him turn the page. Every morning is the beginning of a new page – a clean slate about to be filled with words that combine the events of previous pages with fresh new ideas to keep the story moving forward.

So that’s my prayer for this new week. And I plan on taking action on my own part so that God can be free to work in me. First, I’ll make myself wake up no later than 9:30 every morning. Yes, I’ve always been quite disciplined about waking up early, but there’s always those periods of time when it seems like there’s simply nothing to do in the morning, and lately I’ve been so unwilling to get up in the morning that I actually consider this goal quite difficult. I’m sure that if I’m willing to offer the extra time to God, He’ll definitely put it to good use, making my life much more productive. And I know myself well enough to claim that the feeling of being productive will prompt me to keep it up and not fall into laziness. I pray that when I read the Bible every morning, I can clear my mind of the numbers on the clock and the big checklist of things I want to do once I’m done reading. As for my prayer time each night, I plan to put in extra effort to focus on trusting God and not letting myself treat our time together as a daily chore. Perhaps that means I need to switch my schedule around and not save my prayers until right before I go to sleep. Or perhaps I need to first spend some time in worship, or simply sit still and not be consumed by the distractions on my own life so I can hear God’s whisper. I pray that I will constantly be reminded to look up at God’s greatness, so that regardless of whether or not I “feel” His presence, I will believe that He’s by my side and live to glorify Him every day.

01/26: I finally decided to make a little more progress in my room yesterday, and successfully eliminated one of the many piles of unsorted stuff still left on the floor. The extra floor space makes the room look much bigger, and as a result I decided to give myself permission to make a little mess by opening the big black box labeled "Logic Studio" that's been sitting around collecting dust ever since i bought it. Usually when I buy software, I imagine it coming in a box sized either like a CD case or something else that weighs little more than a CD plus a booklet. This baby weighs about as much as my keyboard... I'm not even exaggerating. OK fine, the RS-70 is a relatively light keyboard. But still, you get the point. So what the heck is inside this box?? See for yourself.

01/25: It's been quite a strange week so far. Lots of unexpected changes, mostly in the form of people not being considerate enough to give me an early notice before last-minute cancellations of plans that left me extremely frustrated. For some of them, I really shouldn't be complaining since it's not anyone's fault. For others, I can only pray for continued wisdom to forgive and not hold grudges. There's one thing I know though - all these unexpected changes leave me simply wanting to get out of the house and find people to have some fun with. It's starting to hit me that almost everyone I usually hang out with is either living at school or working a full-time job, meaning I shouldn't expect people to have nearly as much free time as i do. not that I'm complaining or anything, since i know that the free time I have now is a gift from God to be used for loving the people around me and building a stronger relationship with Him. But it becomes extremely difficult to do when there's so much frustration in me. Every morning I still wake up and read the Bible and pray that God's teachings will guide me throughout the day. But it's getting harder and harder to hang on without wanting to give up.

I guess one of the reasons for my frustration is the fact that I don't get out of bed until around 10:30 every morning. I've always considered myself very disciplined in getting up early in the morning, and I've learned many times that doing so gives the day a much better start. But somehow I always end up staying up later than I want to, and I always have trouble sleeping well enough to actually feel energetic the next morning. Today I woke up to find the rest of my family not very happy after having failed to take care of some important business. It's been a long time since I've seen them like this. Prior to God's intervention in my life over Winter Break, I would selfishly interpret their frustration as them not treating me kindly, and respond to them with even more frustration. It was definitely hard for me to maintain a positive attitude this morning, and even though I didn't explode, I definitely didn't put their needs above my own desires. Sometimes, even my daily morning Bible study time can be an excuse to ignore my family's needs, and even though in a sense it's important to put God first, my motives for doing so definitely aren't right. After spending some time alone with God, I definitely felt encouraged and much more capable of helping my family without an attitude of complaining. But I still feel my selfishness boiling deep inside, wanting to take control of me and push God off the throne. Please, God, let me remember You and not give up.

Actually, I wouldn't exactly call this a 'bad' week. There's been lots of exciting things going on too, specifically regarding ClayMusic. I've mentioned this to some people already but didn't give much details since I wasn't sure if it's gonna happen or not, but now it seems like its for sure. Next month, I'm going to Taiwan =). Yep, the first time in over a decade. The exact dates are still yet to be determined since we're still having trouble recruiting musicians to play at the concerts. But so far, I'm in for sure. Please keep us in your prayers, cuz there's a lot of stuff that needs to be organized. And I pray that I can maintain a healthy walk with God, so that this long-awaited return to Taiwan can be used for His glory.

01/20: Writing again on a Sunday night. Who would have guessed that SNU's were going to return after I graduate from college? Of course, the purpose of these weekly updates has changed dramatically. While I once did SNU's as a way to organize all the little fun events of the week into one ginormous entry, nowadays there is simply no need to do so. Life at home is definitely much quieter than at UCLA, and through the lack of a constantly bubbling social and academic life I learned to slow down and focus on the things that matter most - my character, my relationship with God, and my deep and genuine interactions with my family and friends. When it comes time to look back at a past week and welcome a new week, these are the things that stand out the most, and as I take time out every week to reflect on what God has done, I pray that it will always make me thankful and humble, and eager to let His will continue to be done in the coming week.

Ever since Winter Break, it seems like God has been writing my life story in weekly chunks. First, I spend about a week celebrating the holiday season by going out to eat and shop frequently. Then I go to Retreat and come back on Sunday transformed. The following week is defined by spending time with my family and focusing on being intimate with God. The next Monday marks the first day of my new tutoring job, and the following Monday is the beginning of my internship with Uncle Samuel. That brings us to the present. It's Sunday night once again - what does God have in store for me this time?

After asking that question several times, I realized that my mentality of God was slightly flawed. The very decision to assume that God must work on a weekly basis limits His power in my mind. God can work anytime He wants, regardless of time or day. I shouldn't expect something amazing to happen just because it's the end of a week. In fact, at this time I really don't have anything specific (well-paying job, music-related internship, etc) to pray for. My prayer now is simply that I will continue to allow God to work in my life according to His plan.

I guess my main struggle now isn't any particular sin (lust, anger, etc), but rather my overall attitude toward my relationship with God. When I'm praying for the same people every single day, it's hard to keep the same enthusiasm as on the day when they first shared their needs. It's even harder for me to take the initiative to follow up with them and ask them if things have changed. Many times my willingness to dig into another person's life directly affects my ability to pray for them wholeheartedly. I pray for the desire, motivation, and courage to step out of my comfort zone so that I can better serve the people God put into my life.

Just as important is my own attitude toward prayer in general. The "checklist" mentality definitely takes over my mind once in a while, preventing me from giving my all to God. At church today Marcus preached a sermon about prayer, saying that prayer is simply an expression of our trust in God, because He already knows everything. That is the very attitude I need now. I remember during the week after Retreat, I would approach God in prayer simply because I wanted to spend time with Him, and all my “prayer requests” were just things to talk with Him about rather than a bunch of favors to ask for. It’s definitely much harder for me now to be excited about God. Like Pastor Jay said at Retreat, God is much more than my own emotions, and He’s there even when I don’t “feel” Him. So I pray now that whether or not my life is going smoothly, I can always turn to God with a desire to be close to Him, and that none of the other things I do in my everyday life can be strong enough to move Him away from the center of my life.

01/19: Just got home after an amazing few days at UCLA. I don’t exactly consider this an “Area Trip”, simply because I use that term to describe trips with multiple unrelated motives, while this trip had a central focus – to continue my role in the story that left when I graduated. Over the years, I’ve devoted much of my time to establishing the vivid social life that I had before I graduated. After I left, some people’s lives didn’t change at all, while others’ were different without me. Yes, it’s only been a couple weeks, but that’s plenty of time for many unexpected transformations to take place. I returned to UCLA with an open mind to the changes I was about to see, but also an eagerness to reunite with the people and places that have made such a great impact in my college life. I’m glad that for the most part, everything went extremely well. Unfortunately, having such a good time also means not getting enough sleep, so I’ll keep this entry short (if possible) so I can hop in bed and make up for that lack of sleep. I guess I’ll start with a simple day-by-day update.

Thursday – went straight to UCLA after teaching as planned, except the traffic wasn’t exactly helpful, especially when I merged onto the 405. Honestly I could have walked faster than the pace I was driving at. Got to UCLA and purchased my parking permit for the day and was ready to begin the adventure at around 7:45. Thanks Elizabeth and Mariko for being patient and waiting so long for me to arrive to eat dinner =). While they were coming down to meet me at Covel I ran into Jessica(Ji) at BruinCafe and she gave me half of the smoothie she got =). Dinnered with Elizabeth and Mariko - at last, I have reunited with dining hall food!! It’s really not all that amazing, but after all these years the whole atmosphere of the dining halls is really hard to leave behind. I’m glad to be back =). Had a nice hour-long dinner, then walked up to Hedrick together. After they left, I wandered around Hedrick just like I did at the beginning of Fall Quarter, and eventually found Lisa in her room. I actually didn’t tell any IV people I was gonna visit, cuz I knew they have a conference this weekend and probably wouldn’t be around. But I caught Lisa at just the right time, so we got to chat and catch up a bit. Then I moved on to 5-North to reunite with Derek Bryce and Jerry. Chilled there for the rest of the night, plus a Chicken Nugget run with Derek before midnight. Yep yep, gotta have those nuggets, just like we did last quarter =). Talked with Derek and watched Kaizo Mario YouTube videos until after 1AM, when we decided it was time to sleep. Ran into Joshua and Andrew in the bathroom – remember, bathrooms are a great place for people to spontaneously run into each other and socialize =). Took a quick shower, then returned to my car to spend the night.

OK so let me explain. I purpose chose to stay in the car that night not only to relive the memories of last quarter, but more for convenience. UCLA has this stupid policy on weekdays that all parking services (daily permits, hourly passes, meters, etc) expire at 7AM. That means that without a quarterly permit like I had last quarter, I had to wake up at 7AM(!!) to buy a new permit for the new day. Fortunately, on Fridays I’m allowed to buy multiple days at once, so I only had to wake up early the first morning. But still, I figured since it was already almost 2AM when I was going to sleep, and I had to get up in just a few short hours, I might as well just sleep in the car so I could wake up, move to the driver’s seat, drive down the hill, buy the stupid permit, and return to Lot SV to sleep for another few hours. So that’s exactly what I did. Except I didn’t exactly sleep well, cuz it’s hard to rest peacefully knowing you risk getting an expensive parking ticket if you don’t wake up to your alarm immediately. So yea, I was quite lightheaded all day yesterday. And staying up super late last night didn’t help either. But it was definitely worth it =).

Friday – got up after an additional hour and a half of sleep after buying the permit. Went through the same routine I had last quarter – get dressed, brush my teeth at Covel, etc… except one difference now is that I made sure I completed my daily time of prayer & Bible study before wandering off to hang out with people. One of my main rules for myself on this trip was to not lose the disciplines I have when I’m at home, even when it’s inconvenient. Actually it wasn’t bad at all – I found myself a little secret place where I don’t get distracted by people walking by, and really focused on God for a very long time. After that I ate some fruits I had in my backpack for breakfast, then went to Bruin Café to grab something to drink (what? I have to swipe for it??). saw Yiki there and talked with her for a while. Then went to campus with the intention of going straight to SMB to ask Al Bradley a question about my Degree Progress Report. I almost forgot that at this time of the quarter, most people actually attempt to go to class, which means it’s easy to run into a bunch of people I know, most of which didn’t know I was visiting. So it was quite an exciting walk down the hill. I stopped at the GOC table to talk with a bunch of Gracers, then walked to the Life Science building with Steph(Liu). Went to SMB afterwards, took care of business, then met up with Jane outside on the benches and talked there for a while. We decided to go get lunch, except she doesn’t have Premier, which meant she would have to accompany me on my walk-aimlessly-around-the-dorms-until-someone-swipes-me-in drill. And she was actually fine with doing so, except Christine(Dang) came to the rescue just in time by calling to see if I wanted to join her for lunch – And she has Premier! =). We met up on BruinWalk, and for the first time Dang got to meet Ding and Ding got to meet Dang! (sorry… I’ve been wanting to introduce them to each other for the longest time! Hehe). Lunched at DeNeve with Jane Christine Isaac Harry Antony David and Ted. Jane and I stayed a bit longer for some dessert, then walked up to Hedrick. I ran into Emily afterwards and went to Rieber with her to chat for a bit, then visited Ying for a few minutes on my way out. Ran into Dianne next, and we went to Puzzles to talk and have some food, which turned out to be Chicken Nuggets =). Went back to Rieber with her, then chilled with Christina Tracy and Paige. Visited Christine(Shen) afterwards when she got back to her room. We decided to go for a random walk down the hill to Ackerman and back. It’s very rare that anyone will have the time and energy to join me on random walks, so that was definitely quite exciting. Went back to her room to chill a bit more, then met up with Derek to join the GOC gang for dinner. Again, there was that problem of getting swiped into the dining hall. Fortunately, we ran into Andrew at Covel, and he donated a swipe for me =). Ate with GOC, then stayed a bit longer with Christine and her friend. Walked with Christine to GOC – we were the last ones to leave, but we got there just in time =). I figured the easiest way for me to visit a bunch of people was to attend the fellowship where I met so many of them. And besides, there’s nothing wrong with worshipping God in the midst of such a busy few days. I was already insanely tired, but the day didn’t end after GOC. It happened to be their annual Broomball day, so afterwards everybody went out to some Ice Rink place (I drove there but I’m not even sure what city it’s in!) and Broomballed all night. I decided not to play for various reasons, mostly along the lines that I wasn’t exactly in any of the four classes and that I didn’t know enough upperclassmen to really feel comfortable in the senior team. So I just went around talking to people and occasionally running around the ice. Talked with Sophia most of the time – we didn’t get to hang out earlier in the day, so we still had plenty of catching up to do =). Got back to UCLA after 1AM, and Christine(Dang) signed me into Hedrick. Bryant Chris and Andy were also there visiting her (gosh, so popular!). And Jerry and Antony were in the same room totally amused by the Xbox. And poor Natalie was trying to get some sleep. I definitely needed some sleep too, so I took a quick nap in a corner on Christine’s bed. After everyone left I built my nest and went to sleep too. Actually by then I was so tired I didn’t even feel like sleeping anymore, so Christine and I talked about random stuff until I passed out.

The next morning…. Oh wait that’s today. Wow… on trips as event-filled as this, sometimes it’s easy to lose track of time. I usually consider it a good thing that it’s hard for me to sleep past 11AM. But today was one of those days that I wished my biological clock could shut itself off. Then again, getting up at 11 helped me get my devotionals done before everyone else woke up, so it’s a good thing. I had nothing to do the whole morning though, so I wandered off to Bel-Air for a while. Car-spotting wasn’t originally gonna be part of this trip, but since I had free time and nothing to do, why not put it to good use? Came back at around 1PM to chill with Bryce and Derek (they were awake!!). Lunched with Antony Christine Kevin and Jerry. Christine and I stayed afterwards and Derek came to join us too. Went back to Hedrick and chilled with Christine cuz she was about to go home. But in the midst of her being busy packing, I managed to install Kaizo Mario on her computer and convince her to play just enough to make her frustrated. (remember, frustration is what leads to addiction =) ). Visited Irina for a bit at the 5S lounge. Then went to visit Michelle(Panh) and did a lot of catching up. Then went back to 5N to Derek Bryce and Jerry’s room. Trinh was smart enough to leave her BruinCard with Jerry when she went home yesterday, which meant that her swipes didn’t have to go to waste, since I used one during dinner =). Ate at Rieber with Antony and Jerry. The teriyaki chicken was soooo salty!! Gosh, I miss complaining about dorm food =). But seriously, I do enjoy it a lot. Went back to Hedrick at around 7, then said bye and turned around to drive home.

So yea, that’s basically everything I did in these past few days. But of course, that’s only on the surface. I remember telling many people before I graduated that because I knew God was leading me, I was excited to see what was going to happen in my life after college. I told them that if they called me in a month or two and asked me about my life, I could tell them that things have completely changed, and that even though I didn’t know what the changes were going to be, I knew they would be amazing and I was definitely looking forward to them. It’s been about a month since I graduated, and there have clearly been many changes in my life. A simple “how have you been?” can easily turn into an hour-long time of sharing all the great things God has done, and I’m glad to say that such conversations took place several times in these past few days. People heard my stories and were blessed by them, and in the same way I was blessed by their stories too. I pray that the stories God writes in my life after college can be an example to my friends in college as they go through similar decisions and struggles.

Of course, I’m not the only one who has changed a lot since Fall Quarter. I’m definitely glad I kept an open mind without too much expectation, because many things were very different from what I would have expected. There were new decorations on the walls, new activities and events to talk about, and new toilet paper dispensers in all the restroom stalls. But there were also new friendships, new relationships, new things to laugh and joke about and also new things to struggle with. I must confess that there were a few moments when I was so frustrated by the changes that took place that I began to convince myself that this trip was a stupid decision. But as soon as I overlooked my selfishness, I realized once again how great it was to be back at UCLA with my friends, bringing back old memories and driving our friendships forward once again. When I saw the sincere and joyful expressions on my friends’ faces, those moments alone made this trip – and all the time I spent investing in their lives – worthwhile. I found out that many of my specific prayers for specific friends have been answered, and also became aware of their new needs. I wish I can always be there to help them through their needs and struggles, and also to rejoice with them when things are going well. But because God has called me to move on, I can only do my best by letting them know that I’m always just a phone call away if they want to talk and praying that God will provide people to help them during times when I can’t.

Of course, I had one more place to go before going home. I left UCLA at 7 only because I didn’t want to miss PACT. Usually when I plan trips like this, I give myself permission to ditch cell and/or church so I can make the most out of the trip. But God has done so many amazing things in our church recently that I find it hard to miss even a single week. And besides, it was probably better for me to complete the long drive before PACT than to wait until later at night when I was even more exhausted. I guess all these years when I came home from school for church-related activities, I did so simply because I thought it was the right thing to do as a Christian. But this time I drove to cell excited to be a part of the fellowship and to see the great things God was going to do.

Even though there was a little bit of traffic, I managed to arrive at PACT not long after they started the welcome game. When I got there, I felt a new and strange feeling I never had at cell before – I was finally home. After an exhausting adventure, I was back at last in the midst of my brothers and sisters in Christ. Sure, I had an amazing time hanging out at UCLA. But I saw so many problems around me that deep inside I longed for peace – a peace only found in a house of believers who gather for the same purpose. When I went home afterwards, I felt a similar kind of peace – one only found at home with my family. I know that God wants me to be a good role model to my younger UCLA friends, and I always have trouble thinking of words to describe the joy of spending time with them and simply being part of their community. But God also doesn’t want me to abandon Him for their sake like I often did in the past four years. The bottom line is that my heart must be right with God, and that everything else in my life should be centered around Him and not myself. With that in mind, I’m glad to say that I have experienced the best of both worlds and did so for His glory.

So um… like I expected, this entry didn’t exactly turn out to be all that short. But I really wanted to get all these things out of my mind before I go to sleep. So with all that said, I want to specially thank Elizabeth, Christine, Andrew, and Trinh for allowing me to enjoy dorm food once again. Also thanks to everyone that spent time with me in these past few days – I know it may not seem like a big deal, but it really means a lot to me to know that I’m still a part of their lives even though I’m far away. It brings me great joy and encouragement to know that people not only remember me, but that we have made a difference in each other’s lives and can still continue to do so. There’s still so many people that I didn’t get to spend time with these past few days, and I hope that will change the next time I visit. Yes, of course I will visit again =). It’s gonna be difficult because my schedule in the coming months will be very busy. But I’ll do my best, and I look forward to returning to UCLA again in the near future!

01/16: Very awesome week so far. The tutoring job is still going well, and so is the internship at Uncle Samuel's. So far it's kind of a mix between taking a class at school and actually working in the studio. I have a decent share of reading (assignments?) to do, but at the studio I also get to explore and work on projects with Uncle Sam. It's definitely quite exhausting, but also extremely fun, and he's definitely right when he says I need to know Pro-Tools to have a good resume. So yea, that's basically what my life looks like now. But of course, there's a nice long weekend coming up, and for me work is over after tomorrow until next week. To be honest, I don't mind staying at UCLA the entire weekend and coming back on Monday night. But of course, I need to keep reminding myself that my life simply isn't all about me anymore. As a part of a cell group and church that's going through so many amazing changes, it's actually hard for me to sacrifice even one day of attendance. God has been using me to do so much at church, and it's wrong for me to just leave it all behind and run off on my own at this point. So yea, I'm coming back Saturday evening just in time for PACT =).

Of course, there's a lot to prepare for the trip, which means tomorrow is gonna be quite busy. That also means this is probably my last entry before I leave. Actually, it's really no big deal to be gone for a couple days, since during school time I typically update only on weekends. But still, it feels kind of weird to be going away from home - the home I can actually feel at home in, with people I can actually call a family now =) - to hop back into the story that I had disappeared from after Winter Break. I've been doing a pretty good job of keeping in touch with people, but it's definitely great to get to see so many of them again in these next couple days. I know it's only been a week and a half since school started, but it definitely feels like a very very long time. One interesting thing about trips like this is that I really don't know what to expect - many things may have changed dramatically when I was gone, and I really can't go back to UCLA expecting everyone to be exactly the same as when I last saw them. But I'm glad that people are looking forward to my return, and I'm definitely looking forward to seeing them too. So far, my schedule is almost entirely filled up, with the exception of a couple time slots and a couple meals (Premiere anyone? =) ). I wish that I will not only have a great time hanging out with friends, but also give them a glimpse of the great things God has done in my life since I last saw them. With that said, I guess it's time for me to shut up and get some packing done. I wish everyone can have a great weekend, and to the people I'll be visiting, see you soon!! =)

01/14: A deeper look at what it's like to live in a car. Lots of people have asked me about it, and I don't mind sharing =).

First of all, such a lifestyle is unusual, but definitely not unheard of. In fact, as the quarter proressed I actually spotted a couple others who appeared to be doing exactly what I was doing. Most people who don't have a place to sleep either spend the night at friends' apartments or in Powell Library, and take showers at the Wooden Center and brush their teeth in public restrooms. Trust me, I've seen many people brush their teeth in the restrooms of lecture halls. I've even caught one individual (who shall remain annonymous) half awake with his face covered in shaving cream at the Schoenberg Music Building early in the morning. Personally, I prefer not to sleep in open public spaces, since there's a good chance my belongings will disappear when I wake up the next morning. Fortunately, I had a better game plan - social connections in the dorms.

My friends were really the basis of my lifestyle this entire quarter. Yes, technically I can enter the residential halls anytime before 9PM and hang out there every night, then shower and brush my teeth before going back to the parking lot to sleep. Those recently implemented bathroom locks don't exactly make everyone happy, so it didn't take me long to figure out which doors were being consistently propped open. But either way, I made it clear that because my homelessness was somewhat voluntary, I didn't want to simply leech off people. That's where the connections come in handy. First of all, after having spending four years in the dorms, I knew at least one person on every side of every floor in Hedrick Hall, and also almost every floor in Rieber Hall. There were always people I could visit, so technically even if someone complained that I was in the building past 9PM without a guest pass, I could easily obtain one from the nearest friend (usually I don't enter the building unless there's someone to visit). I doubt there's a single host in the building that actually makes his/her guest go downstairs at exactly 9PM just to get a pass. And as long as people obey all the rules, it's really no big deal, considering how college students are always spending time with each other.

Of course, guests of dorm residents must shower too, and there's no rule saying they're not allowed to. Usually, it's easy for me to locate a bathroom that doesn't require a key. And on the rare occasion that I fail to do so, I can always ask to borrow one. As for other basic needs such as a computer or a place to study, I can always find a friend or go to the library. During the few times when I had to do research papers, I made sure I worked as quickly as possible to minimize the time I need to spend at a computer. So in a sense, being homeless even taught me to have better study habits.

Now that all those things are explained, let's have a few pictures...

01/13: It’s time to get ready for the beginning of another week. Ever since God opened my heart at Winter Retreat to think about more than just myself, I’ve been given many opportunities to bless the people around me, whether it’s through telling the stories that God wrote in my life or through listening to their needs and praying for them. Every day in this past week, I had the chance to listen to at least one friend talk about their struggles. Most of them began as simple casual conversations, but God opened up their hearts to go beyond the typical “I’m good, how are you?” answers and gave me opportunities to offer some help and pray for them. I believe these opportunities are not an accident, and I pray that God will continue to use me to bless others around me as I see their needs.

Prayer is definitely something that is slowly becoming an area of struggle in my life. Yes, I still have to fight my usual battles against lust, anger, and pride. But my greatest weapon against those things is my relationship with God, which is nurtured by prayer and scripture. I’ve been keeping up with my daily morning Bible study quite well, but over time it can be hard to look beyond the chapter-a-day guidelines and allow the words to continue ministering to me. In the same way, it’s getting harder for me to maintain the same passionate attitude I had toward prayer when I first came down the mountain. I often rise from a time of prayer shocked at how much time had passed by. Not that there’s anything wrong with long prayers, but it’s hard to take my focus off the clock and give God all the time He needs. As God places more and more people in my life to minister to, I pray that I will not be overwhelmed by them. Sometimes I have to keep a list of all the people I need to pray for, just so I don’t accidentally leave anyone out. I pray that this list will serve its good purpose of helping me remember the people in my life who are in need, but will not prompt me to approach my prayers like a to-do list. Through my prayers God often tells me when I’ve lost my focus. For example, I may have a hard time getting video game images out of my head when I close my eyes to pray, since I played too much in that day. I may have trouble staying awake to pray at night, because I stayed up too late chatting online. These are all reminders from God to have more self-control so I can live the life He wants me to live.

It appears that Satan has found an area in my life that is easy to attack – my dreams. While I’m making a conscious effort to fight against my pride, my thoughts still often point me in the wrong direction, and Satan takes those thoughts and turns them into the basis for many angry, selfish, and violent dreams that I’ve been having in this past week. Last night I had several of such dreams, one after another without stopping. Every half an hour or so I would wake up to find myself sweating and my mind exhausted from a vivid dream in which I took pride in the very sins I want to fight against, and right when I fell back asleep another similar dream would follow. I got out of bed this morning feeling the kind of frustration and guilt that I usually experience after committing a big sin, and approached God in confusion. But He reminded me that I must learn to persevere. I realized that it was a Sunday morning and I was about to go to church, the same church I had prayed for every night this whole week. Last week, after also praying for the church all week, God gave me the honor of sharing my testimony in front of the whole congregation. Today I wasn’t expecting to be put in charge of anything, but I still prayed for the church with the same attitude I had last week. Knowing that I had won a victory against the devil, I looked forward to the great things God was going to do at church.

Just like last week, we began service half an hour earlier to invite the Holy Spirit to join us as we worshipped. People were blessed by another incredible testimony, followed by a sermon by Wilson continuing the series on building an authentic community. What surprised me most was that Wilson asked me to go up and play background music on the piano through his entire sermon. I was a bit hesitant at first, but God reminded me right away of the lesson of obedience I learned in the mountains, so I said yes. After service, people stayed for another incredible open-mic time where several of our church members received prayer and healing. It lasted for almost two and a half hours, during which I was once again asked to go play piano. There were many times when I began questioning whether or not it was really necessary to have music playing the whole time. But from the feedback I received from people afterwards, I knew for sure that God had used my fingers to usher in the Holy Spirit’s presence. And once again I came to Him thankful for an opportunity to serve and bless the congregation.

After returning home for dinner, Carol, Mom, and I had another amazing couple hours of reading the Bible, sharing about our weeks and praying for each other. I have to admit that ever since we all returned to our respective schools and jobs, it has become much harder to show the same amount of love we gave each other during winter break. We all have our own things to worry about, and it limits the amount of time we spend together and puts a lot more stress on our minds. But it’s great to have a time when we can lay aside all our distractions and focus entirely on God and on each other, and there is really no better way to prepare our hearts for another week of work.

This coming week gives me a lot to look forward to. I’m excited to return to my daily tutoring job, continuing to build a healthy relationship with the two kids and their family. On top of that, God has provided me with an opportunity to intern at Uncle Samuel’s music studio, which I’ve been to many times. He called me earlier today to invite me to learn from him, knowing I just graduated and need more experience on my résumé. This internship will give me the chance to help with real recording projects, obtain the required skills of a sound engineer, and learn to be more flexible with my schedule, since the projects can often be quite spontaneous. As for the money I earned last week, I’ve decided to set apart a small chunk of it to spend on my first UCLA visit at the end of the week. I already contacted most of the people I plan on visiting, and am very excited to get to see them again. I pray that I will not only have fun, but have the chance to tell my friends about the great things that God has done in my life so that they too can be blessed by them. With all that said, I praise God for another amazing week and look forward to what He will continue to do in my life.

01/12: I can’t even remember the last time I wrote an entry on video games, since I don’t game all that much. But every once in a while I discover a game so amazing and so addictive that I have to recommend it to everyone. It’s called “Kaizo Super Mario World”. Almost everyone has played the classic Super Mario World for SNES, and this is essentially the same game, but with a twist – a very big twist. The characters are the same, and so are the enemies. But combined with the intelligence of a Japanese hacker, the game will never be the same again. Some say it’s made to screw with the minds of Americans so Japan can focus on taking over the world. In other words, it’s insanely difficult, possibly the most difficult game I’ve ever played. I doubt there’s a single human being in this world that can beat the same without dying shamefully. Some levels are so seemingly impossible that I had to go on YouTube to find tutorial videos on how to pass them. Fortunately, this game was made for NES Emulators, meaning you can take advantage of save states and slow-motion gameplay to get through the most insane parts. In fact, those features are pretty much necessary to pass the game, and even with their aide it’s still not anywhere near easy. And the craziest thing is that even though it’s difficult enough to make you go insane, it’s also insanely addictive, and it’s hard to stop until you finish a level. Then again, when you finally get through a level after a few hours of torture, you might as well keep going… I just discovered it earlier this week, and I’m still working on it a little at a time hoping to get through every level in this lifetime. So yea, go check it out. “Kaizo Super Mario World”. Oh and it’s a free download, so just search it on Google and have fun =).

Alright, enough about the game. Today was an awesome day – went with Mom and Carol to go visit Mrs. Lucy’s family and their twin daughters! Had a great time talking and catching up. Afterwards Mom Carol and I went out for a little shopping around Brea. I just got back after another great PACT Meeting and another few minutes of Kaizo Mario. Now it’s time to go sleep so I’ll be awake for church tomorrow.

Oh wait, a few more things I almost forgot. The UCLA Trip is finally confirmed for this coming Thursday night until Saturday evening. Apparently IV has a conference over the weekend, which means I probably won’t be seeing a lot of people. But this is definitely not my last visit in the near future, so don’t worry =). I’m definitely looking forward to seeing everyone again, and if anyone has Premiere and wants to share their wealth, please let me know!

And one last thing - Some of you know that recently I decided to stop picking up calls on my cell phone unless I get a voicemail so I know who it is, since my phone was barely working at all. Special thanks to Mom, that's not the case anymore. Turns out the belated Christmas present I had been eagerly waiting for was a new phone! See for yourself -

01/11: As I prepare for another weekend, it's always nice to look back on the great things that have happened this week. God has been simply amazing, and this week turned out nothing like what I expected it to be. To be honest, I really had no expectations at all, since I wasn't sure what to do with my life once the week started. But it was that very lack of direction that brought me on my knees before God to seek help, and He showed me immediately that He did not neglect me.

While I left UCLA with the intention of figuring out what my career will be, the many events that happened throughout winter break shifted my focus to be on what God wants to do with my life here and now, whether or not it has to do with a job. On Sunday night, I realized that the lives of everyone around me was about to go back to normal, and that I didn't exactly figure out what to do with my life like I thought I would by the end of break. As I've mentioned many times already, God answered my prayers regarding my future by revealing to me many things in my life I had to deal with first, and I thought I should spend some more time taking care of those things first. But was that really God's intention, or just an excuse for my own laziness?

After thinking about it, I realized that much of the reason my relationship with my family had been so bad in these past few years was that I was only at home on the weekends, and even if something bad happened in those short few days, it wasn't hard for me to just ignore it, since I could forget about it once I returned to school. Holidays and breaks that I spent at home usually turned out to be disastrous because I had nowhere to run. I faced the problems with anger and confronted my guilt with more pride, never turning back to apologize.

But after everything was worked out by God's grace, the last thing I wanted to do was to go back to the way I used to be. One of the best ways to build relationships is to spend time together, and I know that because the healing process takes time, I need to continue spending time with my family. I also need time to spend in prayer and scripture to strengthen my relationship with God. After an amazing week filled with loving God and loving my family, I realized on Sunday night that I wasn't quite ready to jump into a full-time job right away. In fact, doing so could serve as an excuse to once again run away from the issues in my heart and in my family that have not completely healed yet. But I knew that without a job I could easily end up spending all day sitting around doing nothing. And I would also have no income, meaning no money for food and gas. Surely God doesn't want to take away my ability to travel and eat out with friends, since those are the times when I can take the love He has shown me at home and show it to the people I spend time with outside of home. So what was I supposed to do with my life once everyone else's lives returned to normal the next day?

Completely clueless, my only hope was to trust in God and continue believing that He had things under his control. And I'm glad to say that the very next morning, He gave me an answer to my prayers. I woke up to an unexpected phone call, and had barely enough time to brush my teeth and clear my mind before securing a daily two-hour tutoring job starting that very afternoon.

Yes, I know, it’s another tutoring job. I’ve done plenty of those throughout my college years, and to be honest I really have no talent in working with kids. My job is to spend two hours every day at the home of two kids, helping them with their homework and making sure they get everything done. At first, I turned to God in confusion, not sure why He pointed me in this direction. But I soon realized that if I really believe it was God’s will for me to take the job, then I shouldn’t question Him anymore. The first week passed by quickly, and so far things are going very well.

Actually, I first heard about this tutoring opportunity from a friend at church on Sunday, but I immediately replied with a “no”, thinking I would be too busy figuring out my own life to handle another daily task. But God looked beyond my selfish moment and spoke to me again, this time through my friend’s mom. The call woke me up in the morning, meaning my mind had not been consumed by my daily tasks and temptations yet. When she told me that she had prayed for a tutor for the two kids and thought I would be a suitable candidate, immediately my mind was opened to the realization that this job was God’s answer to my current situation. I felt compelled afterwards to go thank my friend for being used by God to work in my life, and also apologize for turning her down without thinking at first. With this job, I get to work on a daily basis, giving me something to be productive with every day. It also gives me enough income to not only pay for travel and food, but to make up for my previous expenses last year when I was at school and didn’t have a job. I have plenty of free time, allowing me to read the Bible every day and spend time with God and with my family. On top of all that, I get to be a part of the lives of two lovely kids, helping them with academics and other needs that may arise.

I really have no doubt that right now I’m at the very place God wants to be. As much as I’m still scared of being put in charge sometimes, I pray that God can give me courage, as well as wisdom to love and discipline the kids, so that I can give their family a glimpse of His love in my life. And I pray that all the free time He blessed me with can be put to good use, whether it’s spending time alone with God, with my family, or with my friends. God, help me to not take Your blessings in my life for granted, but rather use them to draw closer to You and to bless the people around me. May I not become lazy, but rather continue to seek after You, believing that You’re always providing for my needs. May Your will continue to be done in my life.

01/10: Reflections on my last quarter at UCLA

As I look back at Fall Quarter, I couldn't help but also think about the past four years of my college career. This is not only the end of another quarter at UCLA, but also the end of my life as an undergraduate. When the quarter first began, I realized that after living through an incredible college story for the past 12 quarters, I needed to give the story a good ending. But the truth is that no ending I write would ever be worthy of such a great story. This story was only so great because I allowed God to take control, and I knew that the only way for it to end well was to continue trusting Him with it until the very last day.

This past quarter definitely wasn't perfect. People hurt me at times, and I've hurt some people too. My attitude toward classes and professors wasn't always positive, and I didn't completely take advantage of my educational opportunities. There wasn't a heavenly fanfare when I stepped out of my last final, nor a huge party to celebrate my graduation, and in the midst of finals there were many people I never got a chance to say goodbye to. Everything happened just like it did any other quarter. But thinking back at this past quarter, I realized that beneath the surface God was at work the whole time. In fact, this quarter brought many changes in my life as a musician, as a Christian, and as a college student in general.

The end of this quarter marked not only the end of my time at UCLA, but also my transition from a music student to a musician in the real world. I've always known that God paves the way ahead of me on my musical journeys, and it makes me look forward to what the near future has in store for me as a musician. The one downside to this quarter was that I didn't have a computer except on weekends when I went home. Without my music software, I couldn't compose the way I used to. But God shifted my focus away from actually writing music and more to applying my abilities to the real world. I got the chance to practice writing short pieces to accompany poetry and films, using professional studio equipment. I also got a deeper look at the music industry, both its benefits and its flaws. Many people tell me to jump into the industry because of the wealth and stability it offers, but at the same time there are many deeper issues such as morality that I must consider through prayer. As for whether this is the right path for me, only time and the will of God can decide.

This quarter I had the honor of taking a course on Electronic Music Composition, which gave me access to UCLA's Mancini Studio. It was in that studio that I fulfilled most of my musical needs. Aside from completing the projects required for the course, I had plenty of time to explore the many functions and gadgets at the studio for my own knowledge and pleasure. I also had the chance to complete my first studio project not related to my schoolwork. A friend of mine from class a few years ago asked me to make an arrangement and instrumental recording of a Korean praise song she wrote. I was afraid to say yes at first, but realized that there was no better way for me to gain studio experience than through a song that gives God glory. Even without my own computer or keyboard, I managed to complete the arrangement in my head, write it out by hand, finalize it in the music building when I had access to a piano, and record it at the Mancini Studio, all in about a week. Backed by prayer, I know that the song will be used to work for God's kingdom.

Speaking of God, my attitude toward God has also changed this quarter. Having been a part of Intervarsity Christian Fellowship since freshman year, I have grown a lot in many ways that I couldn't have otherwise. I learned to worship in a much more culturally diverse setting than what I was used to, and discovered new ways of praying and studying the Bible. But when a good friend of mine invited me to go visit her fellowship, Grace on Campus, at the beginning of the schoolyear, I agreed to check it out. Immediately my eyes were opened to not only the opportunity to meet a new group of friends, but many of the problems in both IV and GOC. Sadly, people often consider these two fellowships as opposites, since one is supposedly very liberal and the other very conservative. While attending both fellowships this quarter, my heart broke for the fact that there was so much gossip, misunderstanding, and tension between two groups of people that serve the same God.

Since I knew it was my last quarter, I saw no harm in attending two fellowships simultaneously. My focus was no longer on how fellowships could help me grow spiritually, but rather on how I could take the things I learned with me when I leave the campus. I realized that as much as I loved being a part of campus fellowships all those years, in the end the spiritual family I would commit to was still my church at home that I grew up in. Being part of both fellowships helped me understand that even though every group has its unique experiences to offer and lessons to teach, in the end it's up to the individual to be open-minded and accept all types of people just as Jesus did. And the more I look back on the times I spent with IV and GOC, the more thankful I am for all the people I encountered and all the ways God used them to transform my life.

Probably the biggest change that took place in my life this quarter was in my overall lifestyle as a college student. There probably wasn’t a single friend of mine at UCLA this quarter who didn't know about my living situation. It was one of those things that simply came up inevitably through casual conversation, even though I never intended to tell people about it directly. Yes, I did voluntarily choose to live in my car, not because I particularly wanted to do so, but because it was simply the way things turned out. My closer friends knew right away that it was nothing to worry about, since it wasn’t the first time I made an important decision that everyone else thought was crazy. For those who don't know, I chose to spend the quarter living in my car simply for practicality; having already decided to purchase a meal plan and spend most of my time in the dorms, getting an apartment and having to pay for all the utilities I wasn't going to use was simply not worth it. And I didn't want to deal with all the complications of finding someone to take my place once the quarter ended, since most contracts last for a whole year. My ideal situation was to pay a small amount to my friends and sleep in their living room. It obviously didn't work out, and I settled with my backup plan.

To be honest, I wasn't nearly as thrilled about living in a parking lot in the beginning of the schoolyear as I am now. During Zero Week when there was no academic stress and everyone had free time to enjoy, it was easy to run into people I knew from previous years, and when they found out about my situation they naturally invited me to stay with them. I knew from the beginning that I didn’t want to leech off other people; it was my own fault I chose not to have an apartment, and I didn’t need others to feel bad for me when I felt perfectly fine about it myself. Besides, I knew that no matter how kind people were to me, I was probably creating a hassle for them in one way or another. For some, it may have been having to open the door for me to sleep when they could have made other plans. For others, it may have been conflicts with their roommates about having a guest over without an early notice. Whatever it was, I wanted to stay out of their way and cause them no trouble. My first night in my car, which took place in Week 1, was slightly scary; with all issues of comfort aside, it simply felt weird sleeping in public space, and it took me several nights to get used to the system and park in spots where people were least likely to walk by and notice me the next morning. For the first few weeks, I prayed every day that God would provide an apartment for me to move into. But I knew that whatever He decided to do, I could learn to get used to it.

I remember one weekend at cell group when I asked people to pray about my housing situation, that whether I find a place to move into or remain in my car, I would have an open mind and allow God to do whatever He felt was best for me. That night Wilson preached a short sermon on evangelism and helping the needy, and I felt the urge to ask him about something that had always been on my mind but I rarely enjoyed sharing – Why was it that sometimes when I saw people around me that were needy, I simply didn’t care about them? Why didn’t I feel the burden to love others around me and let them know about God even though I knew He wanted me to? To that, Wilson, who had known me since childhood, gave me some unexpected words that linked the attitude I asked him about with my living situation. He said that because I grew up without a father, I naturally learned to take things into my own hands without the need for help from others. And because I was always so concerned about staying out of other people’s way, I never allowed them to demonstrate love to me. And because I never experienced this love, of course I didn’t feel burdened to love others. But he added that perhaps my housing situation was God’s way of pushing me out of my own world and forcing me to learn to depend on others so that I could experience His blessings and learn to bless others in return.

And that’s where the story began. I wandered the hallways of Hedrick on Wednesday night of Zero week with nowhere to go, and found myself sitting alone in the 5 North lounge bringing back memories of the previous schoolyear when I lived there. Little did I know that I would end up on the same couch until 2AM that night playing cards with people who were to become some of my closest friends this quarter. And through those friends I discovered a new meaning of being part of a community.

Thinking back on the past several years, it seems like most of my friendships form in similar ways – as one who enjoyed living in a community room, I loved it when people came to visit me. My room was not only usually neat, but was designed with guests in mind. Pictures ornamented the whole length of my wall, with displays that took weeks to build from scratch. My keyboard was usually sitting on my desk, accompanied by some form of music studio software open on the computer. Once people were drawn into the room, usually through food, invitations, or simply seeing the door open, my wall began to tell my story. Pictures are always a good conversation starter, and almost everyone is at least a little fascinated by professional music equipment. Endless words spawned from those things, and I easily befriended just about everyone who entered the room.

But something about this quarter was different. I didn’t exactly have a room to show off and invite people to, and the only things I had to present myself to others with were my actions, my words, and the necessities I carried with me in my backpack everywhere I went. Through the nomadic lifestyle that I lived, the words that God spoke to me through Wilson came true. I slowly realized that I was far too concerned about not asking others for small favors when all they wanted to do was demonstrate their love to me. While I was often frustrated by not being able to live like everyone else did, the truth was that the people around me were always there for me. There were no shortcuts for me to take; with no computer and a cell phone that barely worked, my best shot at connecting with my friends was to do my homework in public places where they walked by or visit them in their rooms. God put people in my life in almost everything I did – studying, eating meals, walking across campus, getting midnight snacks, and simply hanging out. Whether it’s my old friends from previous years or my new friends that I met this year, I discovered a new attitude in the way I treated them. I spent a lot more time paying attention to their needs, going out of my way to serve them, and helping them through the experiences I had in the past four years. Looking back at this quarter, I’m glad to say that my social life no longer revolved around inviting people into my world, but rather becoming a part of theirs.

After four years of enjoying my college social life, at the end I finally learned what it means to be a part of a community that doesn't revolve around myself. After seeking God through fellowship and worship in campus organizations, I left with a new understanding of God's heart for all different kinds of people. And after a long journey of discovering my passion for music, God gave me wisdom and potential to move on into the real world. As for exactly what I'm going to do with my life, all I know is that everything will be fine if I continue to trust Him. For now, one thing God has already shown me is that I'm so blessed to have gone through such an incredible time as an undergraduate at UCLA. By not having a permanent place to live this quarter, I was forced to go out and adapt to different environments, and by doing so I realized that there were so many ways I could help others through my experiences, knowledge, and possessions. As I helped people find their way around campus, taught them to make the most out of their time in college, and drove them to places they couldn't have gone otherwise, I couldn't help but realize how much God has blessed my life. And I know that these blessings will only increase as I move on to the next chapter of my life. I thank God for all that He has done in my life through UCLA, and pray that I can continue to use the things He blessed me with for His glory and trust Him with every step of my life.

01/09: Quick update in the middle of another amazing week. God has definitely been by my side regarding what to do with my life, and there's really nothing I can complain about at this point. Aside from the fact that it's no longer nearly as easy to fight against the urge to sin as it was last week, I praise God that I'm still able to start and end each day with a good chunk of time spent in prayer and scripture. Please continue to pray for me. As for exactly what God did in my life in these past few days, I'll save it for another entry.

For now, I just need to throw out a few little updates. First of all, for those waiting for me to post pics from pretty much everything from the beginning of winter break until now, I've been spending a lot of time making progress, so expect all the pics to be up in the next couple days. And I specifically want to say that I had a LOT of fun writing captions for many of them, especially the winter retreat ones =).

Also, I know I promised all you UCLA people that I'm gonna come visit, and by God's grace I'm glad to say that I can now afford to travel without feeling financially burdened. So far, my first visit is scheduled for Friday night thru Saturday afternoon after Week 1, but if possible I'll come Thursday night so I can stay an extra day. Apparently some people are going home for the long weekend though, so if it's really a problem for too many people then I'll move the trip to the following week instead (still Friday night thru Saturday). We'll see what happens. Hopefully I'll get around to visiting as many people as I can. But I definitely miss you all a lot, and hope to see you soon!

For those who are at other local college campuses, I'd love to come visit too, so let me know if you want me to come and I'll try to work something out! I definintely have a lot of free time these days, and I'd love to put more of it to good use. And to all my friends at home - feel free to call me anytime to hang out too!

I still find it amazing that I'm able to make a decent amount of money and still have so much free time to spend with friends, with my family, and with God. I'll write more about that in detail later this week. For now, it's time to go to sleep. Goodnight!

01/06: Even though I’m already done with school, I still get that feeling that I used to have when Winter Break reached an end. As Carol and I took down our Christmas tree earlier today, I suddenly realized that this life of bliss that we now live is about to reach its end. Tomorrow morning when I wake up, Carol will probably be at school already, and Mom will be getting ready for work. Most of my friends will be back at school too, some very far away from home. Even though my “Winter Break” won’t end like it used to, I still feel the urge to reflect on all that has happened in these past few weeks, specifically what God has done in my family.

Just minutes ago, Carol, Mom, and I finished the first of what will be a weekly family Bible study. We’ve lived spiritual lives separate from one another’s for a very long time, and after experiencing God’s freedom we need to share our feelings with one another, bridging the gaps between our cultures, friends, personal lives, and roles at church. It was probably the most genuine and love-filled series of conversations we ever had, and we had a chance to confess our sins, share about our lives, and ask for prayer. In the same way God has brought to light the division among the various cell groups and congregations at our church, He has shown us how much we need one another, and prompted us to take action to live as a family the way He intends for us to.

As a fan of keeping things organized, I tend to have a habit of drawing a bar to protect myself from Satan every time I experience a spiritual high. But the truth is that this imaginary bar does not guarantee that I won’t get attacked, but rather opens a path for the devil to take control of me. It’s always hard for me to accept the fact that no matter how long I can abstain from specific sins in my life, I still may end up falling back into it once in a while. I’m glad to say that ever since I came back from retreat, I had been entirely free from road rage – except for one small incident. The night after it happened, I fell on my knees overwhelmed by guilt, since Satan had knocked down my bar and ended my perfect streak. But God reminded me that His love and forgiveness leaves me no need to feel guilty. Accepting my continuous weaknesses is an important step to humility, and recognizing my sin causes me to turn my eyes to God for help. I wish I can say that just because God set me free in the mountain, I’ll never again struggle with lust, act in anger, or be overtaken by pride. But in order to really become humble, I need to stop thinking of myself as becoming perfect, but rather accept the fact that I still sin and turn to God on a daily basis through prayer and scripture to help me fight one battle at a time.

I know one thing for sure though - God did in fact perform a miracle in my life and in my family, and if we continue to look up to Him, He can use our story as a blessing to many other people. Yesterday afternoon I received an unexpected call from Pastor Baldwin, asking Carol and I to share our testimony at church today during his sermon. It was the first time I talked to my pastor after learning about God’s command for me to obey my spiritual leaders at retreat, and I knew that God wanted to use our newly revived family to bless the English congregation. This morning was definitely one filled with manifestations of what He has done in my life - Worshipping on stage with my cousin, aunt, and mom downstairs, then sharing my testimony with Carol upstairs. I spent plenty of time in prayer beforehand, asking God to speak through us. And I’m glad to say that because we were willing to let God use us, the congregation has been blessed.

Many people know about my constant struggle with having a hard heart – I realize that my friends need God, but don’t take any action to help. I hear stories of starving children in Africa and violence and injustice in the inner city, but always conclude that because I don’t know those people, it’s not something I need to worry about. Even when my friends share their deepest needs and I pray for them day after day, eventually it just gets routine and meaningless. I’ve always believed that God did not create me to be emotionless, and as I spent the past several years trying to solve this mystery, God revealed to me earlier last year that because I was so used to living a selfish life and helping others only for personal gain, I don’t feel attached to the things that give me no benefit. Now that God has set me free, my attitude in this area is starting to change too.

Every night since retreat, I prayed for my church, its leaders and its people, and specifically our many cell groups. Having experienced God’s touch, I felt a burden to make sure this fire didn’t die. So I prayed every night that in every cell group people may experience the same kind of vulnerability, love, and freedom we experienced in the mountain. On Friday night, the high school cell groups each had a time of sharing just like we did at retreat, during which many people experienced freedom and healing. Last night at the college/career cell, we were not only surprised by the fact that our attendance suddenly doubled, but we were also able to experience God’s work in each other’s lives. Just as I prayed, God used those who were at the retreat to bring back the fire to the whole cell, and passed the flame to those who couldn’t attend. After staying there until around midnight fellowshipping and rejoicing in God’s greatness, I returned home and fell back on my knees filled with thanksgiving.

Suddenly I found myself asking God “why am I so happy? Why am I so thankful?” Then I looked back at the past week and wondered why and how I prayed so wholeheartedly for my church. At that moment I began to realize that unlike most of my prayers prior to retreat, these prayers were not just requests and favors to ask God for, but reflections of my heart’s deepest desires. Through that desire I found the passion that kept me awake even very late at night until all my prayers were verbally released. Through that desire I found a new love for people that no longer revolves around myself.

Before giving my testimony with Carol, I spent some time alone in a room praying that God would help us be honest and vulnerable with the congregation, and specifically said to God that if we must cry in front of everyone to be completely honest, then He should let our tears flow freely as He pleased. God gave me the strength to overcome my fear of public speaking, and blessed me with a clear train of thought to keep my words organized. But not a single tear fell from my eyes. While I often think of “sharing time” as a time set apart for grieving, it is just as important to set apart time to share of God’s greatness and celebrate together. My heart was so filled with joy as I spoke that I felt no need to cry.

But after service when the leaders decided to hold another “Open Mic” time for people to be vulnerable and receive healing and prayer, I found myself desperately praying for the congregation, never running out of words and thoughts. It was then that tears began to form slowly in my eyes. I began crying hard when one of my closest friends went up and shared openly that after hearing our testimony, he realized how important a family was and how he had often neglected the needs in his own family. As I laid my hand on his shoulder and prayed for him and his family, I asked God why there were tears falling from my eyes. Surely this has nothing to do with my own life. In fact, this friend had shared many of his needs with me before, and I often ended up neglecting them in favor of seeking pleasure in my own life. It was then that I realized those tears on my face were not my own, but a reflection of God’s own heart for those who need Him. Only after freedom from my habitual sins and reconciliation with those who I have wronged am I finally pure enough to feel God’s feelings, and I believe this is only the beginning of all the great things He will do for His kingdom through me and my family.

So as this holiday season comes to an end, I pray that we can return to our routine lives with a new attitude, with a deeper understanding of God’s love and a greater strength to fight for His kingdom. I pray for myself that as I get opportunities to talk with my friends whose needs I have neglected in the past, God will break my heart for them and push me out of my comfort zone, putting Him above all my friendships, relationships, and possessions. In the light of His majesty, nothing else can compare in greatness. I pray for everyone at church who has been part of this great transformation, that we may all feel the burden to keep the fire burning, keeping each other accountable, learning to be vulnerable, and demonstrating God’s love to those around us through our everyday lives.

01/04: Quick update in the midst of an incredible first week of 2008. I’m still clinging on to that post-retreat spiritual high while praying for continued strength should I be caught off guard by temptation. During the times when I do lose my guard, I try hard to remember that I don’t need to let the guilt discourage me from fighting since I’ve already been set free. I spent the entire day after retreat at home relaxing, spending time with my family, and meditating on God’s word, and I felt so at peace that I wished I could stay at home forever and be sheltered from the mess in the world around me. But God reminded me that wisdom is not something to be kept to myself, but something that must be proclaimed in public through my interactions with people and my attitudes in different circumstances. Backed by plenty of prayer and scripture, I began a week that seems like any other holiday week, but faced it with a new attitude.

Tuesday – went out to lunch with Ken at Q Noodle House. My prayers focused on my attitude while driving and my interaction with him as a close friend and brother in Christ. In the afternoon Juliann Erica Steph(Lee) and Yu-Ching came over to visit. Shaw came over for a bit too. My prayers then focused on living out my relationship with Carol and Mom in front of our friends, followed by having a pure and proper attitude towards friends of the opposite gender. Shaw and Carol went out for a super late lunch (linner??), and I went with Juliann Erica Steph and YC to CeFiore for some awesome yogurt and waffles. Yes, apparently frozen yogurt can be served over waffles, and it’s actually quite good. Then we decided to go to Cue. Apparently they opened a new Cue at Yes Plaza, basically walking distance from the one at Diamond Plaza. Is it really necessary? I guess the manager thinks so. But either way, we definitely had fun kicking off the new year with some pics. (By the way, all those pics are already online. Winter retreat and other misc. pics coming soon!). Came back to my house to scan the pics, then they all left to go home for dinner. Eating at home with my family never felt the same after retreat, and I’m constantly reminded of how much a simple change in attitude can transform the family.

Wednesday – Since nobody really had any plans, Mom, Carol, and I decided to go to Rose Hills. We usually go every year in October, but last year everyone was too busy and we never found time to go. My prayer with my family at my father’s grave was never so genuine before, and deep inside I was thankful that God has finally rescued our family from some of our worst struggles. Went to run some errands on the way home, then went out to dinner at Cheesecake Factory. We usually don’t randomly decide to go to fancy restaurants with a 40-minute wait line even on a weekday night, but Mom got a gift card for Christmas, and as Asians we’re obligated to take advantage of discounts =). Came home after an awesome dinner and spent the night playing SNES – yes, the super old system that we apparently still have at home. Carol and I have been playing almost every night, and we’re trying to beat both Super Mario World (already done!) and Mario Kart.

Thursday – had lunch with Grace Melody and Winnie at Millie’s. Have you ever had a GRANDwich? It’s ok, me neither, but it’s fun to talk about them. We all got extremely frustrated with the little IQ Test game that nobody could solve. And of course, the food was awesome. Walked across the street afterwards to wander around Petsmart and Kohl’s. Then went to Melody’s house to play with her dog. Stopped by my house so I could steal retreat pics from Grace, then took her home. Meanwhile Juliann and Eva were over working on the retreat video/slideshow with Carol. Juliann and I left to go to Albino’s birthday dinner at Coconut Bay. Went to pick up Luia on the way there too. Albino came in expecting a one-on-one dinner with Shaw, but little did he know there were twenty people waiting for him to arrive! Had an awesome time eating fried rice (it was super spicy this time!), taking a million pics, and spending time with church friends. Came back to my house afterwards to continue the slideshow. Ben came over too and we busted out the SNES once again for another night of old-school gaming.

Today – Amidst having so much fun, I must admit it can be a little hard to stay focused on God. I’m no longer willing to settle for second best, and my goal now is that at the end of every day I can spend quality time on my knees confessing my sins, thanking God for the day and praying for the following day(s). Every morning since retreat has started with a time of prayer and Bible study, kicking off each day with God’s teachings. Today is Uncle Michael’s birthday, so we’re having a big dinner at his house in about an hour. I think we’ll be eating together again tomorrow too. I don’t think I’ve looked forward to family dinners like I do now in a very long time, and it makes me once again grateful for what God has done in our lives. After today comes another weekend, and after that everyone’s lives around me will go back to normal. Carol will be back in school, and Mom will resume work again. My world at UCLA will start moving forward too, and it leaves me once again wondering what to do with my life in the near future. As much as I’m trusting in God, I pray that it will not be an excuse for me to be lazy and let my life waste away. When the time is right, I pray for the motivation to accept new challenges and the strength to face both successes and failures, so that I can move forward as God calls me to and discover what He has in store for me in this new chapter of my life.