10/29: Just met up with Aunt Amy to discuss and revise an arrangement I made for a song in her upcoming album. Yes, that's the "big music project" that kept me busy for the past several days. But despite being so busy, I feel great. It sort of reminds me of my life in college, and when I compare something with my college life, it's almost always a good thing. In this case, I'm talking about the energy and motivation behind my work. College was one of the most passionate times in my life - when I worked, I made sure I did my best, and when I had fun, I enjoyed it from the bottom of my heart. In the end, I felt the great joy of looking back and knowing that I had put every moment to good use. That's how I feel about these past several days. I had plenty of fun last night and during the weekend. But when it came down to business starting on Monday, I gave my complete focus to the work I had to finish. It definitely helped that I had a deadline (I told Uncle Samuel I would bring the song to his studio on Tuesday morning), and I realized that I'm the kind of person that really needs someone or something to kick my butt to get me to work hard. That's exactly what I've been lacking since I graduated - butt-kicking. I always dream of being able to inspire myself at any given time, having the discipline to focus on whatever I need to focus on even when there are no deadlines to meet. But it always turns out much more difficult than I expect. For now, at least I'm deeply encouraged by the fact that during the rare occasion that I'm forced to crank out quality work, I'm definitely capable of doing so.

I remember my senior year in college when I pretty much devoted my life to writing compositions to meet the deadlines set by my professors. Many people say that putting too much pressure on an artist limits the quality of his/her art. But I think that theory works the other way too - even though too much pressure isn't good, a little kick in the behind is needed to force me to get my act together. And during my years as a music major, the deadlines I had to meet helped me squeeze out music that far surpassed my own expectations. I realized what I was capable of, and felt reassured that I was called by God to be a musician. That's exactly how I feel right now. After several days of pouring out my heart to arranging a song that I know will be used for God's glory, I'm very glad to say that the outcome is excellent, both by my standards and the standards of others who heard and critiqued it. There are some revisions that will have to be made, but that serves to show that there's room for me to improve, and it's the ability to improve that motivates a passionate artist to continue growing. I don't know exactly what I will do in the future regarding music, but if I can have my way, projects like this will definitely be a part of the picture.

10/28: It's been few days since I last felt this relaxed. And with some Jack Wings and half a pitcher of Guinness in my stomach, I'm definitely quite content. Ken, Jeremy, Jay, and I decided to treat ourselves to a mid-week hangout, and it just so happened to be that I completed a big music project this morning and can now allow myself to rest. I'll save the details of the music project for another entry. Prior to jumping into last-minute-cramming mode, I also enjoyed a very fun weekend. After PACT we decided to migrate over to Coconut Bay and hang out there until 1 in the morning. And amazingly, everyone made it to church the next morning. Joan mentioned going with Janet and Jary to some art show after lunch, and the thought of there possibly being free champagne prompted Jeremy to volunteer to drive to LA, and me and Joseph to agree to join too. We lunched at Boston Cafe, then went to the Brewery Art Walk. Unfortunately, there was no free champagne. But it was definitely fun checking out so many different artists' works and taking random pictures. The night ended with a fancy dinner at a really nice Italian restuarant. I'll post pictures when I have time... lately I've been busy taking care of older data and pictures (see previous entry), but now that it's all done, I hope I find time to upload some new pics soon.

One last thing, and this should be a bit of a surprise. Or at least it was a surprise to me. While ordering the pitcher of Guinness earlier tonight, I did NOT get carded. Could this possibly be a sign that I'm starting to um... look old? I guess I'll find out next time I visit UCLA and pretend to be a student...

10/18: SNU. My legs are so sore I'm having trouble walking up the stairs. And I'm perfectly fine with that. For a weekend this awesome, it was definitely worth the sacrifice. I didn't have to work (teach) on Friday, so I ended up going with Steven to build a house. Okay fine, we didn't actually build it, but we definitely contributed to it. Habitat for Humanities is working on a plot of land in Monrovia, and we decided to go treat ourselves to some hard work. It turned out the houses were already erected, so our work wasn't nearly as difficult as I had expected. Still, it was definitely a great experience. And Steven and I got to spend a lot of time catching up and talking about life. Good stuff...

Saturday (yesterday) - UCLA VISIT #16. I decided that most of my visits this year will be one-day Saturday trips; it saves me $10 in parking, and I don't have to worry about being stuck in traffic and spending the night at you-know-where. Once in a while I'll try to do a two-day trip, assuming there are enough people that want to hang out with me. For this trip, a single day turned out to be perfect. I was originally very disappointed when I found out that the majority of people I planned on visiting weren't going to be around. But in the end I reminded myself that considering how busy most of my visits turn out, it's truly a blessing to have a more easygoing trip and spend quality time with people without feeling rushed.

The morning kicked off in Beverly Hills, where I spent about two hours shooting some amazing cars. It had been three months since my last car-spotting trip at the Triangle, and I was definitely not disappointed. More on that later. Had lunch with Derek at his apartment; even though I missed GOC's barbecue event on Friday, I was still able to partake, since Derek kept plenty of leftovers. After lunch we went out to Volcano for some boba. Coming from Rowland Heights, I never really paid attention to where the good boba places are around LA. But this one's definitely not bad, other than the fact that the people working there seem to have problems with short-term memory when it comes to remembering our orders. Back on campus, I spent some time relaxing at Bruin Cafe, then went to Bel-Air for a little while. Met up with Elizabeth, Christina, and Melanie for an awesome sushi dinner at Yamato. Apparently I'm the only one who has never heard of that place. And next time we meet up, we're definitely going there again, cuz that's the way we roll. (Pun intended). In fact, they actually have a roll called "How We Roll". And of course, I ordered it, just because I could. A quick detour to Yogurtland concluded our adventures in Westwood. I walked with Elizabeth to the music building so she could practice piano. It had been forever since we got to see each other, and I'm so glad we got to spend some time catching up. Stepping inside the basement of the music building brought back some amazing memories too. Next destination - Christine(Shen)'s apartment. We watched "Princess Mononoke" (can't go wrong with Miyazaki films) and had a mini karaoke party. Too bad I didn't know half the songs (since I don't watch American Idol). Then we spent the next hour or so talking. I have to say that amidst all the fun I have when I visit UCLA, the greatest moments are always when I get to enjoy conversations with friends and be a part of their lives. That's really the reason I still make an effort to visit. It doesn't matter that most people are now scattered in various apartments and have no dining hall swipes. At the end of the day, it's the simple friendships that fill my heart with joy. And when I headed home at around 1 in the morning, I left with no doubt that this had been another incredible UCLA visit.

So, rewind back to the morning (and the afternoon) for a moment. I saw three Phantom Drophead Coupes, pretty much the whole Aston Martin lineup (DB9, Volante, V8 Vantage, Roadster, Vanquish, Vanquish S, DBS), two Ferrari 599's, a Murcielago Roadster, a 997 GT2, about a million Bentleys, about 8 million Maseratis, and more. But none of those compare to a single car I caught being unloaded from a trailer when I first arrived at Beverly Hills in the morning. See for yourself-

10/13: It's raining. I usually don't like the rain, but I have to admit that after a long dry summer, I definitely miss this kind of weather. And beside, after the body shop thoroughly waxed my car a few weeks ago, it's incredibly easy to keep it clean and shiny even after driving through the rain. I still find it a little funny how the sound of rain is often paired with the sound of police and fire truck sirens... it's amazing how people around here simply don't know how to drive when there's water falling from the sky. Some of them resort to driving at about three miles per hour (why not just walk??) at the slightest hint of rain, and others don't seem to understand that doing fast corners on wet roads will often lead to trouble. Everything feels different on a rainy day, and it reminds me of something that apparently hasn't really hit me yet - summer is already over. The transition into this current schoolyear happened so smoothly that I never really took the time to think about how awesome this past summer was. I'll definitley write an entry about it soon when I have time.

The gloomy weather seems to contradict the fact that my work actually turned out very well today - everything went as planned, and I came home at night feeling very productive. Let's hope things can stay this way. Anyway, a quick summary of this past weekend (since I didn't get around to it on Sunday) - Friday was the first meeting of our new discipleship group. I've been wanting something like this from our church for as long as I can remember, and I really hope and pray that it will help every one of us grow and mature as Christians and as brothers and sisters. Afterwards I stayed to join CORE, then went to celebrate Joan's birthday at TGI Fridays (Jack Wings!). Saturday - had a little car wash party at Joseph's, followed by another grill 'n' chill party before PACT. Sunday - lunched at Max's (Jeremy finally got a chance to introduce us to his culture!), when went to Joan's house for her birthday BBQ. Yep, two parties for Joan, and two BBQ's in a row for me. I'll post pictures when I have time... right now I'm busy focusing on editing old pictures as a result of the server changes taking place soon.

10/11: Recently I've been starting to question more and more about whether or not my current tutoring job is right for me. I now know without doubt that I'm a control freak (which could be both a good thing and a bad thing), and I have yet to learn the seemingly simple task of handling situations properly when things don't go my way. I've always struggled more or less with controlling anger, but there are some situations when I really feel that I'm right, and that my anger is righteous. Perhaps there's still a hint of selfishness hiding somewhere in my heart, and if that's the case, I pray that God will reveal it to me so that I may draw one step closer to Him. Or maybe I'm just feeling more guilty than I need to, because the knowledge that I'm a control freak makes me automatically assume that I'm being more selfish than I should be. Either way, my prayer is that I can continue to seek God's will and allow Him to shape me so that my personality can be used for His glory.

Looking back, it seems like my tutoring schedule last schoolyear was an absolute luxury compared to how things look right now. My schedule was so well organized, and 80-90 percent of the time things actually went as planned. Now it's a whole different story. Aside from the fact that my schedule now isn't nearly as filled as it was last year, the majority of people I work with don't seem to be able to make up their minds. I know I shouldn't really blame them; people's schedules change beyond their control, and I would go insane if I expect them to always follow our schedules as planned. But it really drives me crazy to see my daily income bounce up and down uncontrollably. The best thing about a job like this is the good pay per hour. But that also means that a single last-minute cancellation can cost me enough to buy lunch for a whole week. And with these unexpected changes taking place at as high of a frequency as it is now, I really don't know how long I can handle it.

There have been many times when I wished I could simply set up an organized system with a signed contract stating that same-day cancellations of classes will still be charged the full price. But deep inside I know that because God promised to take care of me financially, it would be wrong of me to ask for money I didn't earn. In a time when my family is struggling financially more than ever before, I really wish I can step in and take some of Mom's burdens onto my own shoulders. Perhaps it's the influence of Asian culture, or perhaps it's the result of guilt inside my heart for not being able to help as much as I think I should. I have never wanted to make money a first priority in my life, because I am aware of the dangers involved in being a slave to money. Motivation has always been one of my strongest fuels, but if money is what motivates me, then I'll be working for the wrong reasons. I want to be motivated by the desire to give God glory in all that I do, and the best I can do now is pray desperately for guidance.

To think that the life of a musician will probably end up far less stable than my life as a tutor now, I simply can't picture myself surviving without going insane. I pray that in my heart I will not doubt God's promise to me when I agreed to follow His prompting for me to switch my major to music. But I'm more desperate than ever before for direction from God in terms of what to pursue in my future, both near and far. In college, God wrote a story in my life consisting of hundreds of intricate details, but organized in such a way that I can look back and know without doubt that He was in control. But since then, life has lost much of that excitement and organization. In terms of music, finances, and my overall attitude toward life, things simply haven't been progressing - at least not in a way that I can sense.

I still believe that every student I have now is a blessing from God to provide for my needs. But the many questions I have always asked God about my tutoring job still have not been answered. Why don't I feel passionate about what I do, and why do I feel like I have no gifting in teaching at all? Why can't God give me enough students to make this a true full-time job? Could tutoring be a crutch that prevents me from seeing a better plan that God has in mind? If so, why is God still providing me with new students that temporarily assure me that I'm in the right place? Something about my current feeling of discontent tells me that there is in fact a future for me outside of the tutoring field. But in terms of how to discover that future and when it will become reality, I am completely clueless.

I know that God's promise is not an excuse for me to stop dreaming, and I pray for wisdom in setting goals in my life so that I will have something to strive for and look forward to rather than living without progress and contentment. I still can't help but wonder why God called me to be a musician when it's so clear that my personality is the absolute opposite of what most musicians are like, especially in a field where personality makes an incredible difference in one's likelihood of success. For now, all I can do is continue to use my musical gifts to worship Him, while spending time in prayer and scripture to eagerly seek direction from Him. I'm more and more convinced that I should be doing a lot more than I am now, whether it's making music or building my relationship with God. And if that's true, then I pray that nothing around me will be able to convince me otherwise until I get back on track. I pray that my desire to make money and have a stable schedule will not overshadow my desire to seek God's will. Whether or not things go my way, God is good, and His plans are always greater than my own. I pray for wisdom and motivation to eagerly and aggresively pursue my relationship with Him, so that I can live in the peace of knowing that I'm on the right path.

10/08: Due to some changes that will affect the hosting of several older pages on this site, I have to make a few changes myself to ensure that nothing gets lost and everything continues to work properly. I'll write more details about it in the weeks to come. I figured since I have to go through so many pages of pictures and edit them, I might as well take the time to correct a few bugs (i.e. the "back" buttons that don't work) and make all the picture pages as consistent with my current layout (thumbnail width = 200 pixels, full-size images open in new window) as possible. So far, I've finished the "church/cell" and "graduation" pages, and in the coming weeks I'll be taking care of the rest of the picture subcategories.

Going through all those old pictures brought back a LOT of memories. And yes, this was an incredibly long time ago, as in back when I was in high school, and even junior high (back in the 90's!). This was back when everyone used film cameras and I actually had to scan each picture to post online. Church beach trips in the summer, luaus and hoe-downs, activities with SOLD/AMC... sound familiar? Most people who are reading this now probably didn't even know me back then. But for those who did, it's always fun to take a moment and look back to see how far we've come.

And this makes me once again extremely thankful for having decided to keep this site and update regularly in these past 7 years or so. It's such a blessing to have such an organized collection of pictures and journal entries that chronicle my life from high school until now. When I look back at the past, I not only think of great memories, but also of how far God has led me step by step in this journey of life. It's truly incredible how He writes each story in my life over time, and it makes me even more eager to look forward and face the journey that lies ahead of me.

10/04: SNU. One man's loneliness is another's gain, as witnessed by many of this week's activities. We had another after-worship-practice party on Wednesday at Ken's house, followed by dinner there the next day. After Sunday's barbecue, there were plenty of leftovers - just about enough for a late-night snack on Wednesday and dinner on Thursday. Today after church we (me Ken Jeremy Joan Jary Taryn and Jay) lunched at Thai Specialty 2 (why the heck is it called "2"?? Is there a Thai Specialty 1? What about 3? How come I've never heard of any of them? Okay, I'll stop complaining), then went to chill at the mall for a while. Taryn kindly invited us to go hang out at her house, I mean, mansion. She was home alone and could use some company, and we were all free to hang out too, so it worked out perfectly. Yes, the house is friggin' huge. But there's nothing wrong with that, especially since she's nice enough to enjoy it with the rest of us. Speaking of huge houses, recently I've had a few opportunities to venture into a place that is so close yet so unfamiliar - The Country. That place is friggin' amazing. And there hasn't been a single time when I left without seeing either a Bentley or a Rolls-Royce.

As for everything else in life, I'm still working hard on trying to focus on the things I need to do at home, especially a music project that's taking me a lot longer than it should. I'm really praying for God to give me wisdom, inspiration, and discipline, because I know this song will be used greatly for His glory.

On a completely unrelated note, you know people are too obsessed with comics when a misprint in the church bulletin results in "International Justice Mission" being replaced by "Justice League". True story.

10/02: I had just finished practicing worship songs at church with Ernest's team, and the elementary school and junior high cell groups were still in session. I decided to take some time to go back inside the empty sanctuary and play some music at the piano. The lights were off, and the only reason anyone would have known that I was there would have been that the music was loud enough to be heard over the sound of kids running down the hallways screaming.

I used to do this all the time. It was back in the day when I volunteered to help out at the elementary school and junior high cell groups every Friday night. In a time when high school was nothing more to me than an academic prison, Friday nights were among the few highlights of my week. My job was to play piano and lead worship, and many times when I was finished, I would venture into the dark empty sanctuary and make music there. Sometimes I played worship songs and songs that reflected my emotions, while other times I improvised and let the music compose itself as I played. After the cell groups were dismissed, sometimes a few people would hear the music and join me. But usually it was just me, and God.

During those times, the stage became a sacred place of refuge. I left behind all my worries and frustrations, and communicated with God through the language of music, and through that music I found peace. I occasionally had the chance to play piano during Sunday worship with the more experienced musicians and church leaders, but for the most part, the stage was an unfamiliar and even slightly frightening place for a self-conscious high school student to set foot on. It was only during Friday nights, and occasional Sundays when the congregation filtered out quickly after Service, that I had the opportunity to enjoy it alone and pour out my heart without worrying about people around me.

When I ended my Friday night commitments for the sake of going to college, I also left behind those sacred musical moments that I enjoyed so much. In the years that followed, I realized God's calling for me to switch my major in college to music and pursue what I'm most passionate for, using it to give Him glory. He opened many doors for me, and now I find myself on that same stage either rehearsing or playing for worship at least once a week. I cherish every moment I have to worship God through music, knowing that it was He who first blessed me with the abilities I have. But as those opportunities increased, the stage lost much of the magical appeal that once drew me to it.

And the magic wasn't only there when I was alone. Back then, I was rather close in age to some of the members of the junior high (and early high school) cell group, and as a result I was friends with many of them. Sometimes they would hear the music and come join me in the dark sanctuary, and we enjoyed many great conversations together. Knowing that no one else could see or hear us, we spoke from our hearts, shared our struggles, and prayed for one another, and we felt completely at peace.

I remember one Sunday after church when I sat on the floor by the stage with a girl who I considered one of my closest friends at the time. God only knows how long we sat there quietly, hearing only our breaths. It was then that I began to understand the beauty of silence. There was nothing more that we wanted other than what we already had; all we desired was our mere existence at the same place at the same time. That, too, was a holy moment to me, and as our friendship grew in the years to come, she became not only a close friend, but also one who had a tremendous effect on just about every aspect of my life, even until today.

Many things have changed between then and now, but the way the sanctuary touches me deep inside remains the same. There's something about the magic of that room that I can never forget. And tonight I had the chance to relive a little of it. Something about the intimate, quiet place fills my heart with peace. Something about the sound of the piano echoing off the walls tells me God is listening to me, and responding to the cries of my heart.

I have watched the church being built from scratch, and have used this meeting room for countless activities, from Sunday services to concerts to games and parties. All of those activities, in one way or another, serves the purpose of giving God glory. But it is during times like tonight that the ever-so-familiar room truly becomes a sanctuary. God has given me talents in music, an area I am most passionate in, and it is through those abilities that I can have the most intimate conversation with Him. Perhaps no one else in the world understands exactly what those conversations are about. In fact, sometimes I have no idea either. But it is during those times that I am most thankful for the gift of music, because it speaks for me when words cannot describe my deepest feelings. And in the end God is glorified, and my heart is filled with peace. What more can I possibly ask for? All the music, all the conversations, all the moments of silence, both past and present - they bring me to my knees, praising God for blessing me with talents to worship with, people who love me, and His very own presence. In those moments everything else seems to fade away, and I am filled with a peace that gives me strength and courage to face whatever awaits outside those doors. It is in times like this that I find in myself a pure heart of worship, and during these times this place was, is, and always will be a sanctuary.

09/28: Just finished watching the end of "Ba Liang Jin", the Chinese drama on TV every weekday at noon. I've never considered myself a TV fan; in fact, ask me about any TV show and you'll be surprised how little knowledge I have of some of the things people around me consider ordinary conversation topics. Who would have guessed that I would get hooked on a Chinese drama? And by the way, it's one of those ancient costume dramas, the kind that I usually associate with my parents' or grandparents' generations. It all started a few weeks ago when I randomly decided to sit down in front of the TV and check out what Mom usually watches during lunchtime. Then I realized the subtitles gave me a good chance to improve my Chinese. Then I asked Mom to explain the storyline to me. Next thing I knew, I started watching it every day. Mom didn't really follow the show in detail until I started bugging her to explain to me all the parts I didn't understand. We spent lunchtime together every day, enjoying the incredible story of family conflicts, revenge, and love. It's been a great opportunity to bond with Mom while learning about the traditions and language of my culture, and it's been fun simply enjoying how the story unfolded itself until the end. It still hasn't completely hit me that the story has ended, and it's going to be hard adjusting to the fact that I'm no longer obligated to sit in front of the TV every day at noon. I still find it strange how I started watching "Ba Liang Jin" in the first place, and I'm not planning on getting addicted to any more Chinese dramas that will occupy so much of my time. But there's a first for everything, and often times the first will always be among the most memorable.

09/27: SNU. It's the end of another week, and apparently it's also the end of this ridiculous heat storm that seems to make doing anything outside the house so much more difficult. And I wouldn't exactly consider my room comfortable, even sometimes when the AC's on. If the weather is nice, it will make my life so much easier as I continue to focus on making the most out of my time at home.

God has blessed me this week in many ways. My car is back and is in incredible condition (see previous entry). If all goes as planned, my current job as a tutor will expand and provide me with a lot more work and income. And thanks to my friends, what would have been a typical week turned out full of fun. Tuesday - went to Joseph's for a casual grill-n-chill lunch. Wednesday - went to Ken's after practice with Juliann and Jeremy. Since Ken's home alone now, he kindly let us hang out at his house so we didn't need to go out like we usually did. And besides, we've gone to just about every local restaurant open at 10PM on a Wednesday. Friday - had a concert in San Gabriel with ClayMusic. It's been so long since we performed together, and it really reminds me of how awesome it is to be a musician, especially to be able to use music to share the gospel. Afterwards we had a little dinner party at Tasty Garden - I think it can be considered our official afterparty location anytime we have events around the area. Yesterday we had an amazing time of worship at PACT - makes me even more thankful that WIlson is back. Today - had lunch at KFC with Ken Jeremy Joseph and Yolinda. Considering our meal only costs about 5 bucks a person, I'm very surprised we rarely eat there. After that, it was time for the big party. Ken, once again trying to cure his home-alone loneliness, decided to throw a party (barbecue of course!). You can't go wrong with Ken and Jeremy when it comes to grilling, and you also can't go wrong with Jason as our designated bartender. We probably would have stayed even later if it wasn't for the fact that most of us have stuff to do tomorrow morning. Don't worry, I'm not drunk... besides, we gotta save some leftovers so we can have another party after practice on Wednesday. Anyways, it's 1AM and I should be in bed. Goodnight!

09/25: Just got my car back after a quick alignment service at Firestone. Since I had already previously paid for the lifetime alignment service package, I figured I might as well take advantage of it so I don't have to worry about bothering insurance to give me more money (since I can easily argue that this service is a direct consequence of last month's accident). It's really a good feeling to see an invoice with "$0.00" printed at the bottom. And that's the same price I paid for the rental car from Enterprise this past week and a half, and also the same price I paid for all the repairs. The actual cost for the repairs and the rental car comes out to be almost $4,500, which makes me extremely thankful that the driver who caused the accident was honest and the insurance company accepted responsibility. I was willing to do whatever it would take to make sure every bit of damage on my car as a result of the accident was paid for, and I'm very glad things worked out this well without me having to file any court cases or start conflicts with anyone.

First of all, I really want to take a moment to thank 2020 Auto Body Tech for the excellent job they did. I was extremely cautious when it came to choosing where to get the car fixed, knowing that a Honda Accord can easily be treated as "average", even though my standards are far above average when it comes to cars. I had no intention of selecting shops that are particularly expensive, but I did want the work to be done very professionally. The first collision center I visited identified the damaged areas on the bodywork and gave me an estimate of a little over $1,500. It wasn't until I visited 2020 that I found out about further damage in the door shell that I had never noticed on my own. That's how the cost of repairs suddenly doubled. The fact that 2020 works with custom show cars and that my car-lover friend recommended it to me told me that my car would be in the hands of people who care about cars as much as I do. When I picked up my car after a week and a half, it literally looked as good as new. They had not only done an incredible job with the repairs, but also cleaned the whole car like I've never seen it before - a very detailed wash including wheels and tires plus waxing. I've received several complimentary car washes before at various locations, but none can even come close to this. In fact, a very large scratch on the hood that had bothered me for a long time literally vanished. Several small areas of damage were repaired simply because the people who worked on my car paid attention to details. That's exactly the kind of shop I can trust with my car, and I definitely recommend it to anyone in need of automotive paint and bodywork.

Now that my car's alignment is done, it marks the completion of everything that stemmed from the accident over a month ago. It's been a long journey, from contacting insurance to actually getting the car back in good-as-new condition. There's only one more thing I need to do, and that's something that can only be done through prayer and focusing on God's will. I have long struggled with forgiving those who wrong me, and there were many times after the accident when I managed to convince myself that because I'm completely innocent, I should have received a lot more in return, whether it's making the driver at fault feel more guilty at the scene or asking for more financial compensation. The truth - and I know it deep inside - is that I'm not as innocent as I might pretend to be. In this accident, I had no fault. But there have been countless times when I, whether through anger, carelessness, or stupidity, put the lives of other drivers at risk. If it weren't for God's grace, I would have caused much more damage than I could ever repay. Yet despite my hard heart, He had mercy and protected me every time. How, then, can be so selfish as to cling on to the one time my car was hit and not let it go, especially when everything has already been taken care of? I may not be able to forget completely about what happened, but I know that true forgiveness means that I accept things the way they are and no longer hold anything against anyone involved. And that's my prayer right now. I know that God has a plan for everything, and He allowed the accident to take place for a reason. And I know that it is by His grace that everything that followed worked out so smoothly. The process is now over, and so is any anger, bitterness, or unforgiveness still left in my heart. May God's will continue to be done in my life.

09/23: A week and a half with the Chevrolet HHR:

I'm not quite sure exactly what to call the HHR. Some websites categorize it under "SUV", but I simply can't picture it going off-road. The upright seating position reminded me of my mom's minivan; in fact, for the first couple days I frequently found myself reaching for the non-existent steering column-mounted shifter. When I parked it next to a Corolla, I was surprised that it didn't look big at all. Yet it had an incredible amount of trunk space. I don't even really want to call it a crossover, since it simply looks to different from all the other crossovers out there.

But that's the beauty of the HHR. It's design was clearly inspired by cars from an era during which automotive genres were not fully defined and coupes, sedans, wagons, and pickups all shared the same platform and design. Yet it looks perfectly modern at the same time, with curves rarely found on any other car today, making it suitable for both young and old.

This is a time when consumers turn to Japan for family cars and Europe for luxury vehicles while American car companies are often associated with the word "bankrupcy". Rental car companies are among the most loyal supporters of the Big Three, and after a few less-than-exciting experiences with rentals in the past, I didn't expect much this time either. But at least I got something that looks cool and is brand new with just over 1,000 miles. I treated it like my own car and used it to complete all of my usual commutes. And I wanted to give myself a better understanding of the various complaints often associated with American cars today.

My skepticism wasn't completely overturned. Some parts of the interior looked and felt cheap. The flimsy cover on the dashboard storage bin popped open once while I was driving, and rattled another time when I didn't push it down hard enough. Some of the electronic controls seemed to respond a little slower than they should have. And how the heck do power windows start squeaking on a car less than a month old? Then there's the engine, which I already wrote about in the previous entry. I often hear a strange gargling sound coming from the engine during acceleration, reminding me of some kind of cartoon chemistry experiment. In terms of power, it's fine for daily city commutes, but I knew there was a problem when I floored it on the freeway and still had trouble accelerating faster than the semi-truck I was trying to pass. Perhaps the SS version would take care of that problem.

On a more positive note, during a few times when the HHR's lack of power almost got me into trouble, I was saved by its surprisingly good tires and brakes. Maybe it's because the car is new, but having a short stopping distance is always a good surprise. And the tires were very responsive on turns too. There wasn't a lot of body roll during hard turns, and the car was very easy to maneuver. If only it had the acceleration to match.

For such an upright vehicle, it's amazing how small it actually is from the outside. It took up less space in the garage than my 2003 Accord coupe does, while offering four doors and very generous interior space. And it's not even all that tall; unlike my mom's minivan, the HHR's trunk can open fully without hitting the open garage door. The cabin was also very quiet; during the first few days, I often found myself going significantly faster than the speed limit without feeling it, and had to readjust my senses to avoid getting the attention of the police officers who haven't met this month's quota yet.

In the predominantly Asian community that I live in, a car like this definitely stands out, even in silver. "Is that PT Cruiser?", asked a surprised friend who thought I got a new car. There's simply nothing on the road that looks like it. Even the PT Cruiser seems to have a personality of its own. Despite the many stereotypes often given to American cars by the perople around me, and despite some of those stereotypes actually being proven true, I had a great time spending a week and a half with the HHR. I'm still not sure what to call it, but one thing I know is that it is purely American, designed after American cars and created for American lifestyles. And that's definitely not a bad thing. One reason that led to the downfall of American carmakers is that they focused too much on imitating Asian and European cars and lost their own identities. America has set many milestones in automotive history, from the Model T to pickup trucks to musclecars. The HHR is a car that simply wouldn't look right if it weren't American. It combines the old and the new to create an automobile that is truly unique, and it is because of cars like this that Detroit should be proud.

09/22: I've always wondered why, during the few times in my life when I actually had a full time job, I was able to accomplish so much every day, but now that I have so much time to spend at home, it's so hard to get anything done. I'm not the kind of guy that enjoys lounging around all day doing nothing. I like being productive, I like putting my time to good use, and I love being able to look back and know without doubt that I did my absolute best. But somehow even in the midst of knowing there's so much I should do at home and feeling like I'm actually being productive most of the time, it's still so hard to accomplish anything. I'm pretty sure much of it has to do with the fact that I haven't really successfully set any long-term goals for myself to reach, so there's nothing in the immediate future that motivates me. But it's been extremely difficult for me to narrow down my choices and pinpoint specific goals for myself, and I'm still in the phase of exploring and figuring out what I want to do with my life.

I know that I should be working on music, both projects assigned to me and projects that I do for fun to gain experience. I know that I should be spending a lot more time with God, strengthening my faith through the free time that He has blessed me with. I know that I should be helping with things around the house a lot more, even when not asked to do so. And I've definitely been making progress in all three areas. But at the end of the day, I simply don't feel accomplished. The more I think about it, the more I realize that what I really need to do right now is discipline myself to focus.

It's so easy for my mind to wander, and when I'm at home I tend to allow my wandering mind to dictate what I spend my time doing. So even though I manage to get a little of everything done, I haven't truly put my heart into any of it. When I help with housework, I should do so voluntarily with the knowledge that I love and care about my family. When I spend time with God, I should fully focus on doing so and not think about anything else. When I work on music, it shouldn't be solely based on spontaneous spurts of inspiration. I'm starting to understand why most musicians stay up late at night; it seems like sometimes it's easiest to let my creativity flow freely later at night. But at the same time, I believe that it's really a matter of discipline; I need to train myself to be able to work on music whenever needed rather than only when inspired, and I need to train my mind to open its creative side under my command rather than its own.

The first thing I must conquer is the notion that I only need to do something if I feel like it. In fact, if necessary, I may even have to allocate specific hours of the day to specific tasks, and during those hours I must train myself to focus completely on what I'm doing and not get distracted. This will help me to not only get a lot more done than I thought possible, but also to set my goals for the future and evaluate how I plan on actively pursuing God's will for my life. I wish and pray that I can remember these words and put them into action, so that I can really look back at the end of every day and say that I've done my best.

09/21: I got a surprise phone call from Matt earlier today wondering if I was going to the UCLA freshman orientation BBQ. I love that guy so much; even after spending the whole summer in Europe, he still remembers to give me a call now that he's back at school. And that reminds me that a new schoolyear has just begun - a new beginning, a new series of experiences, a new volume of incredible stories in the lives of every student. My plan to slowly transition out of my uncontrollably strong attraction to my former college is definitely working, but at the same time, it seems like a part of the magic and wonder of this time of the year will never leave my heart. At the end of last schoolyear, I had to say goodbye to many friends that I met during my junior year, one of the most amazing years of my time in college. I still find it hard to believe that they've already graduated, and that the freshmen friends I met during my senior year are now starting their senior year.

To those who expected me make a second UCLA during the summer, I apologize for not having a chance to do so. Many things that came up in my life at home forced me to temporarily repriortize. But I'll be back again, and that's a promise. As with every new schoolyear since I graduated, the first visit is always a surprise and a reality check. Things are not the same as they used to be, and it's time for me to readapt again for the sake of pouring out my heart to the people I truly care about. I'm sure my UCLA visits from now on will look very different than they used to, and adapting to those differences may require a lot of effort. But that will not stop me from being committed to being a part of the lives of my friends at UCLA this year. It's always encouraging to be reminded that there are still people at UCLA who think of me when I'm not there, and that encouragement reminds me not to give up. I have yet to figure out details of how these visits will work, but I promise I'll figure out a way, because I know that there is no distance too far for the bond of true friendship to transcend.

09/20: SNU. It's been a pretty awesome week - a very nice balance of work (teaching), music projects, free time, and having fun. Thanks to people praying for me, as well as the weather finally cooling down (or so I thought =/ ) to make my room inhabitable during the day, I've been making a good amount of progress on music. And on top of the projects I have to do, I suddenly found myself eager and inspired to learn jazz again. I've known all along that even if I don't know what I want to do with my life music-wise, the least I can do is keep giving myself opportunities to practice and learn. It's just that it's so hard to discipline myself to do so without a tangible goal in front of me. I wish this new wave of inspiration isn't going to die out anytime soon, but will lead into something that I can look back at in the future and really appreciate.

As for the having fun and hanging out part of the week, after worship practice we (me Ken Jeremy Juliann and Joseph) made another jackwings run. We purposely ban ourselves from going on a weekly basis to prevent getting sick of it, and so far every jack wing still tastes as good as when I first tried it. On Thursday, I got to hang out with Victoria and Jenny in Irvine. For those who haven't heard about Orange County Restaurant Week, go Google it and let yourself be informed. Not that it matters now, since the week's already over. But there's always next year. Anyway, we ate at Lucca Cafe - probably one of the fanciest lunches I've ever had, and for a very good deal - $15 for a drink, soup or salad, main course, and dessert. I usually don't like spending a lot of money on food, but it's fun to feel high class once in a while. And considering the city of Irvine is almost entirely flat, and this restaurant was actually on top of a hill, high class it definitely was. We went to hang out at Irvine Spectrum afterwards, and I left to go to work just on time. Maybe next time Jenny and Victoria should come visit me and hang out in Rowland Heights =). Friday - got to hang out with Grace doing what we do best - listening to jazz music, eating Fatburger, and being totally random. The jazz was the weekly Brea jazz festival event, and Fatburger was conveniently located within walking distance. And there was even enough time afterwards for me to go to her house and beat a few more levels on World of Goo =). Fun times...

Of course, eating Fatburger requires a good workout to be balanced. So Ken and I decided to spend the evening completing the daunting task of walking from my house to his house with two BBQ grills in preparation for next week's party. Speaking of parties, today was Jary and Alice's birthday party, so Ken, Jeremy, and I decided to hang out all day after church until the party started. We lunched with Jason at Coconut Bay, then went to Costco for some shopping ("duckduck", anyone? =) ). The party was really fun - lots of fun card games and lots of great food. Thanks to Joan and Jary's parents for barbecuing, and thanks to everyone who helped prepare (I've done it before so I know how much work it can be).

The night ended with the rehearsal for next week's ClayMusic concert. It's been forever since we had a concert... if I remember correctly, this is our first full-band event since the Taiwan tour. In fact, playing all the songs still reminds me of Taiwan and China. God, I miss those places, especially all the people there. If God opens the doors, I'll definitely go back again. For now, I need to treat my life in America just as seriously and really strive to make the most out of it.

09/18: HHR update. I got over the whole "it's a brand new car so I have to be super careful" phase more quickly than I had expected; by day two, I felt perfectly comfortable driving it to work and to run various errands. And that's both a good thing and a bad thing. It's good because I can dare to push the car a little harder to see how it responds. But it's bad for the same reason - since I didn't know how it responds, there were a couple times when I came closer to trouble than I wanted to. The first was when I drove the HHR on the freeway for the first time. While on the onramp, I pushed the right pedal in an attempt to merge in front of a semi truck, only to receive a little surprise - the semi truck was going faster than me! My stubborn determination eventually led to me being squeezed to the shoulder until I finally gained enough speed to get in front of the 18-wheeler. Accelerating from standstill is no problem at all for the HHR, but when gaining speed from the 45mph to 60mph range, especially on a slight incline, the 155 horses under the hood really feels like, well, only 155 horses. Speaking of incline, the second encounter with danger was also on a slight incline while I was trying to pass a slow car, except this time I almost rammed into another vehicle. Fortunuately, the crash was avoided, thanks to surprisingly responsive brakes. (Well, I guess the incline helped a little too). Aside from the overly noticeable nosedive that takes place during braking, the ride is extremely stable, and for such a tall vehicle it's surprisingly responsive on turns.

Yesterday I went to meet a few friends in Irvine for lunch. That's probably the only more or less long-distance drive I'll have in the HHR. And I have to admit that I felt much more "normal" driving the HHR in Orange County than I do in the area I live and work. To put it in one word, the car makes me feel "white". Every time I see it, it reminds me of a shirtless white surfer guy at the beach. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. It's styled after classic American cars and designed for the American lifestyle, and that's exactly how a good American car should be. Even though I really can't imagine an Asian guy like myself driving one of these, I have to admit it's a pretty cool-looking car. There aren't many cars that can pull off looking exciting and unique in silver, but this one does so quite well.

Of course, good looks often involve sacrifices. The "High Roof" (the "HR" in "HHR") provides a very roomy interior, but sometimes I had to lean forward and tilt my head up to see street signs and traffic lights above me when I'm the first car stopped at the intersection. I guess that just takes getting used to. Other than that, it's a very nice car to cruise around in. I look forward to the remaining four or five days I get to spend with the HHR.

09/14: The car's in the shop for its long-awaited repair job (see 8/21 entry). Thanks to a very observant mechanic who pointed out some problems with the door that the first couple guys didn't see, the repair time has nearly doubled, and the bill has more than doubled. Thank God for the insurance company, who, after accepting responsibility, has no reason to say no to giving the shop more money. Meanwhile, I'm left with a new baby in the garage for the next week and a half-

09/13: SNU. I've been updating a little less frequently than usual, and I guess that can be both a good thing and a bad thing. It's good because I've been pretty busy doing everything from working on music to painting the house to making YouTube videos. It's bad because life hasn't been all that exciting so there hasn't been much to write about. Maybe that's because I haven't been able to sleep well all week, thanks to unexplainable insomnia that's been bothering me every night. And the nightly dose of random dreams doesn't exaclty help, even though I still think it's quite fun going to bed every night expecting a new surprising adventure. Let's hope I can put that same amount of creativity and imagination into the music I'm working on, rather than always feeling sleepy during the day. Highlights of this past week include worship practice on Wednesday followed by a Maxim Cafe run, dinner at Red Ant last night with Ken & Steph(Lin) followed by PACT, and an awesome five-hour phone conversation with Christine(S) earlier in the week. Today was quite exciting too... it's not every Sunday I get to play both for Chinese worship and English worship (after the sermon). If there's only one thing I know God is revealing to me about my future regarding music, it would be the meaning of true worship, expressed through the gifts He has given me. Lunch at Garden Cafe was pretty fun, and that huge plate of fried rice (and two Thai iced teas) kept me well energized as I spent the afternoon painting. Aside from a little more music work, there's only one more thing I need to do before going to sleep tonight - make my car look very very clean. If all goes as planned, tomorrow morning I'll be dropping it off at the shop, and I believe that handing in a clean and well-maintained car is the least I can do to to show that I care about my car and expect quality work done on it. We'll see what happens...

09/07: Labor Day. Just got back after an awesome dim-sum brunch with Ken, Jeremy, Juliann, Joan, and Jary. I'm feeling extremely tired from lack of sleep for some unknown reason... I've been having trouble falling asleep, and I'm going through another phase of having lots of random dreams whenever I'm asleep - in the past few days I've done everything from encountering UFO's to becoming a senior in high school again. The latter seems a bit funny considering I just watched "17 Again" with Esther and Ally last night. Whatever, at least it was a very fun dream.

It's been a long time since I could sit in my room at 1PM like I am now and not be driven out by the ridiculous heat that builds up in the morning. And with my computer working again, I really hope to spend my free time working on some music projects as part of sorting out and figuring out my life, which I desperately need to do. Throughout the week I've been installing things into the computer left and right, and other than a few more essentials (like Microsoft Word), everything's now up to date. For the first time in as long as I remember, the ECPG site is entirely up to date now. The YouTube pages (both my personal page and the ECPG page) are also back in business. Also, I just posted another hundred or so pics from the past month, so that's pretty much up to date too. Logic Studio is now installed, so it's time to get back to my music projects. And if I have time, I might actually show up on AIM and MSN again, now that I have the luxury of chatting online from my room.

It's funny how now that my computer is finally stable, it seems like everything else in my life needs some more work. I've been spending a lot of time praying and talking to people about trying to figure out my life, and it seems like I'm still quite far from reaching any sort of conclusion. I'm back to doing after-school tutoring now, but I'm not nearly as busy as I was last schoolyear. Perhaps God is calling me to move on. Either way, I know there's plenty of ways I can put my free time to good use right now, whether it's working on music, helping my family with stuff around the house, or strengthening my relationship with God - after all, God's the one who always knows my needs and provides for me. As long as I actively seek to follow Him, I know I can't go wrong.