12/31: I can still vaguely remember ten years ago when my life revolved around surviving high school, when the computer classes at school required floppy disks, and when the whole world was going insane over the Y2K bug. All of the sudden, I have a college degree and I work as a tutor for people around the same age I was back then. It's really amazing how time flies. While my academic and social struggles in high school made those few years extremely difficult, they eventually taught me that God created me for a reason, and as the author of life His plans are always greater than mine. If I have faith while playing my role in life, God will write stories in my life that I've never even dreamed of. Even now, that concept is still the essence of how I live. And as another year comes to an end, it's time again for me to look back and reflect on everything that has happened. It's been another exciting year filled with great memories with my family and friends, epic car-spotting adventures, life-changing experiences, and much more. When I think about all that God has done in 2009, I can't help but praise Him, because He is the greatest author, and his stories will never disappoint.

Having just returned from a concert tour with ClayMusic in China a few days before New Year's, I was still overwhelmed with jetlag when 2009 began. I resumed my tutoring job once school was back in session, and my work schedule became busier than I ever thought was possible. Despite my insane hours, I knew that all the students I had were gifts from God to provide for me financially. At church, I joined a newly formed worship team focused on growing spiritually, training new musicians, and exploring different musical styles. Through it, many new friendships were formed, and I learned to worship God at a deeper level, both as an individual and as a team.

In March, God answered my prayer regarding my desire to attend ClayMusic's Taiwan tour, a trip I had prayed about for several months (3/03 entry). We traveled through various cities performing for God's glory, and had the chance to share with many people about musicianship and worship. I also got to spend time visiting my relatives in Taiwan, as well as many of the friends I met there during last year's summer mission trip.

Summer came around, and even though I had very little tutoring income, God opened up doors to several music-related opportunities. The new worship team at church led worship on Sunday for the first time, and even though it was a challenge, in the end we were all blessed by having experienced the joy of true worship (6/29 entry). I got to collaborate with a musically gifted pastor in recording an album, and it was simple enough to serve as my first album project while also challenging enough to teach me many things about arranging music. I also got in touch with a friend from Intervarsity at UCLA who is a rapper, and had the opportunity to play in his concert in August. It was my first time playing rap/hip-hop music in a professional setting, and also my first time performing in such a large concert with a predominantly non-Chinese audience.

The most difficult point in the summer was when I was involved in my first accident with my current car (8/21 entry). No one was injured, and the driver who was at fault was honest. Despite having to go through a long and tedious process to get insurance money and have the car fixed, everything worked out well at the end. It was a good reminder to me that everyone unintentionally makes mistakes that hurt others, and it's important both to be honest about my own mistakes and willing to forgive those who wrong me (9/25 entry).

A seemingly divine combination of church friends that I've known for a long time, people on the new worship team that I became very close with, and new members of our church resulted in a group of friends that basically defined my summer. We enjoyed all kinds of activities together, from backyard barbecues to church events to parties, and we came to know each other extremely well. Our faith was the center of our friendships, and for the first time I had found what I've always wanted - a group of friends that share the same faith, know both my strengths and weaknesses, and are present on a regular basis so we can help each other grow (11/05 entry).

The new schoolyear started, and my tutoring job resumed. The overall age group of my students shifted to mostly high school, and I felt more relieved, because I tend to work better with mature students than with younger kids. I finally began to feel the effects of the economic crisis; even though I knew God was still providing for me, it was clear that everyone - including the parents of my students - was trying to cut back on expenses. At home, Mom's job was severely affected by the economy, and finances became one of the largest issues we prayed for together as a family. Our financial struggles caused me to complain about the many problems with my family, including Dad's death (10/20 entry), and it took me a long time to get back on my feet and remember God's faithfulness in our lives.

I continued to visit my college friends at UCLA on a regular basis. Many of them, namely those I met when I lived in Hedrick my junior year, graduated already, and I had to once again adapt to an environment both familiar and strange. After every visit, I return home feeling blessed to have so many great friends in college. And several friends who already graduated initiated chances to meet up outside of school, assuring me that those friendships have stood the tests of time and distance.

As ClayMusic began preparation on the latest album, I was given the opportunity to create an arrangement for one of the songs. It was my first arrangement project for an album that will be sold, and even though it is not entirely finished yet, I have already learned countless lessons and techniques from it that are sure to help me as a musician. A new weekly discipleship group started at church, focused on realizing and pursuing our God-given dreams. It was exactly what I needed, as I had never made much effort to figure out exactly what to do with my music degree. I began to set bigger goals for myself and figure out ways to achieve them.

Winter break came, and despite being busy spending time with my family and friends and shopping for Christmas presents, I couldn't help but remember my experiences during last year's ClayMusic Christmas tour in China . Through reflecting on those experiences (1/26 entry), I suddenly came to realize that there was no better way to celebrate the Christmas season than to give God a gift in response to what He has already given me, and that there was no better gift I could give Him than a genuine attitude of worship and obedience (12/25 entry). That realization inspired me to change the way I live my life, and I pray that even when the holiday season comes to an end, my desire to worship God will still be strong.

Another exciting year has come to an end, and it makes me wonder what new stories God will write in my life in 2010. Only He knows where I will live, what jobs I will have, and which people will be the closest to me. Even when things don't go my way, I can look back someday and understand that He had a bigger picture in mind all along. I welcome the new year with open arms and an open heart, because God is always faithful and His love endures forever.

12/27: SNU. Winter break's already halfway over, and it's been an amazing series of holiday celebrations. Had a fancy dinner on Wednesday for Grandma's birthday, followed by worship practice, then a random hangout at Ken's house (hello, Goose!). Thursday was the Christmas Eve family dinner (since not everyone was free on Christmas day to celebrate), featuring great food, drinks, and the second annual cousins' gift exchange! Christmas day started with some amazing hot cocoa (one of the best ways to make me feel Christmasy) while watching Elf with Carol and Mom. Went to the ClayMusic concert in the afternoon, then celebrated at Boston Kitchen at night. Of course, Asian places are still open on Christmas, cuz some of them don't give a care about American traditions and others are just too hungry for money. But at least it gave us a nice place to hang out at night. Saturday - another fancy dinner, with Aunt Amy's family and Uncle Samuel's family. Dinnertime entertainment was provided by the intense Lakers game, which thankfully ended favorably. Today - had lunch at Boston Cafe after church w/ Ken Jeremy Andrew Clara Samantha and Emma. (Pictures coming soon!).

I technically resume work partially tomorrow morning (kinda like I did during Thanksgiving break), and I think it's great to be able to earn some money to balance out all the holiday spendings (gifts, hanging out, etc). Whoever wants to hang out this week, let me know! I want to enjoy this week as much as I can before jumping back into my busy work schedule next week!

12/26: In response to the previous entry (which was actually written late at night on Christmas Eve), I decided to celebrate this year's Christmas season by giving God a gift that comes from the bottom of my heart - an attitude of worship. First, I tossed out the mentality that winter break is all about going out and having fun as much as possible. I enjoyed spending time with many of my friends this week, but I realized that the moments I had to spend at home with my family are no less precious. Since we all have very busy schedules when work and school are in session, it's quite rare that we can all relax together. And when I face the time I have to spend with people with an attitude of appreciation, it's much easier for me to put them above myself and love them the way God wants me to.

Having experienced the Christmas spirit from a perspective of thanksgiving to God and to all the people in my life, I wanted to spread that love to others. During the little time I had to spend online, I sent many friends messages wishing them a Merry Christmas. Some of them were people I hadn't talked to in a very long time, and to be honest I was a little afraid to take initiative and message them. I've been so busy with my own life in these past few months that I often forgot about the importance of keeping in touch with the people I care about, but I realized that there was really no better day to remind those friends that I still care about them than Christmas. I've always loved receiving simple "Merry Christmas" messages, because it shows that people thought of me on this special day. And I really believe that many of the people I talked to on Christmas felt the same way.

The time that I spent online was limited only because I decided to attend a small ClayMusic Christmas concert not too far from home. Since it was a small event, no live band was needed, so I really didn't have to be there at all. But after thinking about the unforgettable events that took place last Christmas, I decided that there was no better way to celebrate Christ's birth than by partaking in sharing the good news with others. I knew the team could use some additional help with setting up and taking down the sound equipment, and it definitely wouldn't hurt to have someone offstage praying for the concert as it progressed. So that's exactly what I did. And at the end, I actually got to play a little piano in the background during the altar call too. Even though it felt nothing like the concerts in China with audiences of thousands, I knew that if Jesus would leave behind ninety-nine sheep to find one lost one, then I should be no less excited if even only one person was saved during our program. Despite the church being a very small one, almost all the seats were filled, and several people gave their lives to Christ. I can only imagine the joy in their hearts, as well as in the hearts of the friends who invited them to celebrate Christmas at our concert.

Looking back now, I feel a deep sense of contentment that comes not from receiving a bunch of Christmas presents, but from having shared the love and joy of the Christmas season with people around me and from giving God the gift of worship that comes from my heart. The spirit of Christmas is really a spirit of thanksgiving. It is a time to get out of our busy routines and show the people in our lives that we care about them and appreciate them. It is a time to reflect on the great gift that Christ has given us and respond to it with a lifestyle that pleases Him. With those things in mind, there is no question that this really is a time of the year worth celebrating.

12/25: Last year's Christmas was one that I can never forget. I participated in a concert tour with ClayMusic in China, where church-affiliated activities are strictly monitored by the government and churchgoers are always hungry for a deeper glimpse of God's love. I remember hesitating at first to participate in the tour at the thought of having to spend Christmas away from home. I'd learned a million times that there's more to Christmas than giving and receiving presents, but there's still something magical about waking up on Christmas morning and opening presents under the Christmas tree, and I didn't want to give that up. Still, the opportunity to perform in China prompted me to go. And in the end I was able to experience Christmas in a way I never did before.

Christmas isn't a national holiday in China, meaning people still have school and work as usual. Aside from the Christmas decorations and music playing in the background of some restaurants and stores, it feels like a normal day in China - unless you're at church. The people in China celebrate Christmas by going to church in the same way Americans eat turkey for Thanksgiving. Even many people who don't believe in Jesus attend church activities for Christmas, just because it's a holiday tradition. And because of that, churches plan elaborate programs, some lasting an entire week, attracting thousands of people, both believers and nonbelievers, to gather and celebrate Christmas together. What a great opportunity it is to share the good news of Jesus Christ!

That's exactly the opportunity we had last year. Throughout the tour, we performed in front of over ten thousand people in the province of Fujian, sharing God's love through our music and our testimonies. During our Christmas Eve concert, about sixty people gave their lives to Christ for the first time, and hundreds of Christians were encouraged to recommit their lives to their faith.

Far away from home, I didn't have to face the usual Christmas season stress of figuring out what presents to buy for everyone. Our only focus was on making the most out of our tour by proclaiming God's love at all the places we performed at. I remember playing the piano on Christmas Eve and Christmas day while people came to the front to give their lives to Christ. It was during those moments that I understood at a much deeper level than before that Christmas really isn't about me. It isn't about spending time with my family and friends, or about enjoying time off from school or work. It isn't about performing good music either; even though I was the one sitting at the piano, it was Christ who breathed life into the music and used it to touch people's hearts. The very source of Christmas, the story of Christ's birth, had manifested its power, and I realized that there was no better way to celebrate Christmas than to use the very gifts God has given me to share the gospel in front of thousands of people in a country desperate for salvation.

Even now, memories from the tour still fill my mind when I think about Christmas. This year, I once again had to worry about buying a bunch of gifts, and sometimes the exchange of gifts seems to overwhelm my mind as if that's what Christmas is all about. A part of me still craves the joy of giving and receiving, and there's really nothing wrong with enjoying the holiday season and adhering to its traditions. But the knowledge and understanding of the true meaning of Christmas brings all those things to a new light. Having seen Christmas from a new perspective last year, my every response to the holiday season now seems to be so much more meaningful. Despite still being a bad shopper, I did my Christmas shopping with the mentality that I really want to show appreciation for my family and friends. And when I received gifts, I did so knowing that I'm so blessed to be surrounded by people who willingly spend their time, energy, and money to brighten up my day. After all, a gift is something given voluntarily without requiring anything in return.

It's only natural to feel like giving gifts back to those who have first given to us. After my experiences in China last Christmas, I realized I had never really thought about what to give to the One who gave His own life for my sins. It's easy to dismiss the thought of giving to God with the idea that He's perfect and doesn't need any of our gifts. But then again, the gifts, cards, and Christmas wishes that I receive are not necessities, yet they still mean so much to me because I know that they come from the hearts of people who care about me. In the same way, God desires gifts that come from my heart - an attitude of worship. Worship is more than performing music about God or spreading the gospel. It is a lifestyle of genuine thanksgiving toward God, manifesting itself in every part of life, whether at home or overseas, whether working or relaxing, whether giving gifts or receiving them. Without Christ, there would be no Christmas, and all the traditions we celebrate and enjoy would be meaningless. Amidst all the festivities of the holiday season, we must not forget to give from our hearts to the One who has already given to us more than we can every give back. I will never be able to repay the debt of my sins, but Christ still gave His life so that I am forgiven. That's the greatest gift ever given, and that's what Christmas is all about.

12/22: Back at home after a fun-filled day. Jenny and Victoria came to visit me, and we had dim sum and coffee/dessert at Diamond Plaza (the best place to go for a quick Rowland Heights hangout experience). It's really an amazing feeling to know that my college friends want to come visit me at home. Most college students go through a phase of suddenly realizing that college life doesn't last forever and that keeping in touch with friends after graduation is harder than it seems... I responded to that phase by making the most out of the time I had left at UCLA and by making an effort to visit my friends regularly after I graduated. And it's so great to know that I'm not always the only one making the visits, and that my friends are willing to put effort into the friendship even after graduation.

Had dinner with Ken and Steph(Lin) at TGI Friday's. After realizing that Steph had never had Jack Wings or alcohol, we decided to change that. After digesting through a walk around the mall (and across the parking lot in the insanely cold weather - I love how we all think alike in that it's a stupid idea to have to drive just to get to the other side of the parking lot, especially knowing that a little exercising doesn't hurt), we stopped by Marcus' and Jeremy's to deliver some Christmas goodies. I find it amazing that 90% of my Christmas shopping is finished (and if all goes as planned, the rest will be done by this time tomorrow). I'm definitely not gifted in shopping, and I tend to get insanely stressed from figuring out what to get for who, to a point where sometimes it appears like I don't want to give presents at all when in reality it's simply because I don't know how to shop. Stupid, I know. But I do admit Christmas shopping is pretty fun in its own way. I can't believe Christmas is coming in like... 3 days. It feels like it's been forever, since last year I wasn't even in this country on Christmas. But I'll save that stuff for another entry. Goodnight!

12/18: Just got back from an awesome hotpot dinner party with the SOLD gang at Albert and Berry's. After several years, Albert has returned from China, and is now married!! It's amazing how quickly we're all growing up. Remember back then when our lives consisted almost entirely of academic stress and high school drama? I'm really glad we have these occasional hangouts now so we can all have a chance to catch up and bring back those great memories.

Since today was the last day of the schoolyear, I'm technically on winter break now too! It's been a busy but also fun week, thanks to a nice lunch with Joseph at Boston Kitchen and a late-night hangout at Garden with Ken, Juliann, and Vanessa. Tomorrow's the ClayMusic concert in Cerritos - I'm really looking forward to it, even though that means I won't be at Coffeehouse.

In other random news, my Lexus LFA YouTube videos have seriously been doing miracles for my channel. After a few short weeks, they're already on their way to becoming the most viewed videos on my whole channel. And that got YouTube's attention, hence the invitations I received to sign up for YouTube Partnership. I really don't know the details behind the program, but maybe I'll give it a try just for the heck of it. We'll see what happens...

12/13: SNU. It's been a pretty tiring week, and I've been making progress in my more-productivity-and-less-caffiene goal. Monday was probably one of my most intense day of tutoring ever so far - 3:30PM to 10:00PM with no breaks. I was recently asked how I feel about having such a busy work schedule and occasionally having to work on weekends and holidays. Personally, I think it's a good thing, as long as it doesn't get to a point where I get burned out. So far, I really appreciate the many doors God has opened for me. And because a lot of the things I'm teaching now are far more difficult than the things I taught last year, it really forces me to stay on top of things, and even relearn a lot of the things I never touched since I finished high school. Now that I'm no longer in school, it's always fun to pick up random pieces of knowledge, even if it's stuff that I have forgotten since high school.

As for the weird dreams that I've been having, nothing much has changed, except that it's slowly getting worse. I'm exhausted now not only because of a busy day at church (worship in the morning and rehearsal with ClayMusic in the afternoon), but also because I barely slept at all in the past two nights. I tried to, but I couldn't fall asleep, and when I finally did, those dreams haunted me. Many of them were very disturbing and made me wake up feeling frustrated and even scared. I can't help but wonder if these dreams have any sort of meaning behind them, but even if they're all just random, I think they still point to a lot of the things in my heart and in my life that I need to change.

I guess it makes sense that I couldn't sleep well on Friday night, since I never sleep well when I know something exciting is happening the next day, and yesterday was my long-awaited trip to the LA Auto Show. Me and Rushi went together and met with Jeff there, and we all enjoyed the show together. (They're among the very few people in this world I would attend car events with). The biggest disappointment of all was the rain, which got progressively worse throughout the day and forced us to pretty much cancel the parking lot spotting trip completely. We didn't even get a chance to find where the relocated valet parking area was (if any at all). I think this is gonna leave me feeling bummed out for quite a while, especially since there is literally nothing to shoot locally these days, since nobody drives nice cars out around here in this kind of weather. Oh well, at least the Auto Show itself was fun.

This year's show had its fair share of debuts, concepts, and other unique vehicles. But it's really hard for anyone to not notice the drastic effects of the economic crisis. First, several American manufacturers were not present because they um... no longer exist. Others, such as Nissan and Infiniti, simply decided not to show up in order to save costs. The no-show list covers a very large percentage of the exotic makes - namely Ferrari, Maserati, and Bentley. Fortunately for us, much of the absences are redeemed by the Kentia Hall (which also lost probably about 1/3 of its vendors this year). Because in today's popular culture, there's no economic crisis so bad that celebrities will give up their bling-bling. A huge 40-something-inch chrome rim at the entrance of the hall told us things wouldn't be that bad after all. Let's just hope nobody attempts to shove those rims on a Smart car.

The other interesting thing I noticed about this year's show is how ethnicity plays a role in the automotive world. First of all, I find it funny that so many of the racial car stereotypes are true. When we checked out Lancer Evos and WRX's, most of the people nearby looked just like me. When we approached a booth with customized Mustangs and Camaros, I noticed there wasn't a single other Asian in sight. It's okay, at least I can claim to have driven a Chevy HHR this year. On the other hand, though, one of the positive outcomes of the economic crisis is that it really shifted people's general perception of car companies based on its popularity among particular ethnic groups. Nowadays, it's more about getting your money's worth than staying loyal to a brand. And because of the crisis, a lot of the American brands that had rightfully earned their bad reputations have made amazing progress in building quality cars. As companies continue to venture into new segments and find new ways to compete with others, the competition is actually becoming more fair, and the car world as a whole benefits from all the improvements.

After a long drive home in the rain, I got back just in time to go to ClayMusic's Christmas party at West Coast Buffet. Yep, that's the place that I ate so much at last time that I couldn't even stand up straight. But this time we had all night to eat, and I made sure I took advantage of all that time. The games were very fun too - for some weird reason I won Bingo on the same card three times. And despite being tired from doing so much walking at the auto show, I was quite awake throughout the night. Maybe it's because of the free energy drink I picked up at the show that served as my lunch. And maybe that's the real reason I couldn't sleep well last night. But come on, I drank that thing during lunchtime, there's no reason it should still be so strong at midnight. I'm really not that weak... or at least I'd like to think that I'm not. Whatever... let's just hope I can actually sleep well tonight, cuz tomorrow's gonna be another busy day of work, and I'm gonna need all the rest I can get.

12/06: SNU & random thoughts. Spent the afternoon assembling the Christmas tree with Carol and Mom. In keeping with tradition, we listened to Christmas music as we worked. It's really hard for me to not be in a good mood when I'm listening to Christmas music (assuming it's not one of those random songs on the radio whose composer clearly has no sense of rhythm or harmony. Thankfully, all the CD's we have don't fall in that category). Something about the feeling of Christmas always gets me excited; whether it's trying to picture the birth of Christ or enjoying the childlike magic of gift exchanges, I find myself feeling very inspired as a creative artist. And that's always a good thing. Well, almost always. I've always found it kind of funny how creativity can be both a blessing and a curse. Lately I've been going through another random dream phase (hence me always feeling like I haven't slept enough). But while most of my dreams have been more or less cohesive stories, this time they're entirely random. Just in these past couple nights, I remember dozens of strange random scenes that popped up in my head. I was a college student who couldn't find his chemistry class on the first day of school. I was with my family and we all got innocently accused by cops of being criminals. On a brighter note, I met a girl that I got along incredibly well with. I also learned to fly, and could control my flight simply by using my imagination. It's always strange waking up in the morning and suddenly realizing there's a huge gap between my dreams and reality. Sometimes I'm glad the dreams are over, and other times I wish I could return to them and stay in them forever. But when dreams fill my head at a rate as overwhelming as it has been in these past few days, I wake up in the morning confused and exhausted. And it's becoming increasingly burdensome for me to distinguish between reality and insanity.

I don't know if my weird dreams have anything to do with the fact that I've been in a very strange mood all weekend. Sure, there's been a few things that didn't quite go the way I want them to. But I feel like I'm definitely overreacting, and sometimes when I overreact, everyone suffers. The people around me suffer because I'm not exactly a nice person when I'm in a bad mood, and when I look back, the guilt of what I've done makes me depressed.

One thing I know for sure, though, is that I absolutely love my family and friends, because they're actually willing to put up with my insanity. Not that it's right for anyone to have to put up with such insanity, but I simply feel blessed that they're still willing to stand by my side. And even though there's really nothing in particular that I need to get my mind off of, being out and having fun definitely helped a lot. Had an awesome lunch at Niko Niko with Ken and Juliann yesterday. Can't go wrong with $60 of sushi (of course, given that half of it was paid for by a coupon). Went to Brea Mall for some shopping afterwards - I've never been a good gift-shopper, but let's hope things start figuring themselves out as Christmas gets closer. Had dinner with Mom at night - it was the spontaneous outcome of a series of unexpected situations that started in the morning, but I'm definitely glad we were able to relax and enjoy a nice little dinner together. Today - went to church in the morning, then had lunch at Happy Crab a.k.a. Life Plaza. Despite the expected share of mistakes in our orders, I'm still amazed that the great balance of price and quality.

I find it a little strange that even though everything that happened this weekend seemed to be covered by a cloud of confusion, the clearest moments were the ones I spent on stage playing piano and worshipping God. It was one of those days when I simply forgot to worry about the fact that I was on stage, and as a result I was able to play from the bottom of my heart. It's amazing how much I love music. During times like this when I don't exactly feel "normal", I somehow feel more motivated to make music. It would suck if this is how I have to feel for the rest of my life to be a good musician. But I'm sure God has His ways around that problem. And if this is how I must feel now, then I sure hope something good comes out of it.

11/29: SNU. It's been an extremely relaxing Thanksgiving weekend. Had lots of fun spending time with family/relatives and friends. And because SAT's are coming up next week, I actually had work every day, which I definitely didn't mind; it not only helped me financially, but also forced me to get out of bed earlier than I would have if I had nothing to do, which made every day feel much more productive. Of course, it was also quite a sad week for the poor Bruins. I'm only so concerned because after seeing our poor bear on the news doused in red and yellow paint, I feel like it really deserves a comeback. Oh well, maybe another year.

Quick recap of the long weekend - met with Chan-Mi on Tuesday night for the first of our revived "Hot Cocoa Nights" tradition at Denny's. Let's hope we keep this up through the holiday season. Got Jack Wings with Ken Jeremy Jason and Vanessa on Wednesday - I love how every time we don't have worship practice, we feel the need to hang out to make up for it. Too bad TGI apparently doesn't serve pitchers anymore (why???)... that was a big disappointment. But still, can't go wrong with those jack wings. Thursday - the big Thanksgiving dinner at Howard's new house. It was a typical family gathering - great food and hilariously ridiculous games. Friday - had ramen with Ken & Steph(Lin). Everytime Steph comes back, we have to hang out at least once. That means we'll have some more fun during winter break too. Yesterday - the annual SLOPPY, this time at Wilson's house! It's really such an ingenious idea - everyone gather their leftovers and bring them together for a big dinner party. And of course, the Legend of the Black Turkey never disappoints! Today - lunched at Coconut Bay after church. It seems like such a default place, but we all love it. And it's not easy to find a place that can hold so many people on a Sunday afternoon.

Anyway, it's time for me to get ready for another week of work. Things are going quite well with work these days, but at the same time I know that I seriously need to get my act together and focus on spending my free time figuring out what I want to do with music. It's taking a lot longer than I think it should, largely because I simply haven't been working on it as much as I should be. But it's time to change that, and I pray for passion and motivation as I put my time in this next week to good use.

11/22: Earlier today when I was chatting online with a friend, we somehow got into the discussion of skydiving. She said the word "batophobia" describes the fear of skydiving, but I felt that "acrophobia" would be a better choice. After consulting the dictionary, I insisted that "batophobia" refers to the fear of being near very tall objects, which is very different from actually being at a high elevation, while "acrophobia" is simply a 'fear of heights". Our conclusion? First, we really need to get a life and find better things to do than argue about Greek word origins. Second, the English language is really far more complicated than it needs to be. Why can't "batophobia" simply mean "fear of bats"? I assume there's a big fancy word to describe that fear too. After all, there's a big fancy word for just about everything nowadays. Heck, if enough people in this world started claiming to be afraid of sweet potatoes, some smart doctor or scientist would eventually end up coining a word to diagnose the situation. Or has that been done already? Anyway, after thinking about the skydiving scenario some more, I've concluded that it's time for me to make up my own word- "batacrophobia". It simply means the fear of anything of great height, whether you're in it, on it, under it, jumping from it, or just friggin' thinking about it. So it doesn't matter whether you're standing next to Yao Ming or sitting on his shoulder. If you feel scared, then this word fits. Problem solved.

11/21: It's one of those days when I woke up staring at the black night sky and telling myself I'm crazy for getting up before sunrise on a Saturday. But after a few minutes of getting acquainted to the unfamiliar 5-in-the-morning atmosphere, things were going just as planned, and I was very excited. It was only a couple days ago that I decided to commit to this early-morning adventure, after a long should-I-do-it-or-not debate between my desire to sleep well and my love for exotic automobiles. The latter eventually got the best of me, as it did each time I decided to drive down to Irvine to attend Cars & Coffee. I'd only done it twice, and both were very special occasions. The first was the Ford GT National Rally, featuring over a hundred Ford GT and GT40 variants. The second was a special appearance of a quartet of Ferrari supercars - a 288 GTO, an F40, an F50, and an Enzo. This time I hesitated a little more, because I knew the "special occasion" wouldn't be nearly as epic in the same sense that the first two were. But it was incredible nonetheless. Special thanks to some reliable sources, word leaked out earlier in the week that a brand new supercar would be making an appearance at C&C. That's the car that prompted me to wake up early. And it definitely made my day.

11/18: In the middle of a extremely busy day of visiting friends at UCLA, I had the chance to take a short break on the Hill. I seated myself outside Bruin Cafe, just like I did when I was a student, and enjoyed simply being back in a world that still feels somewhat like home to me. Even though the main focus of my visits is seeing my friends, moments like this are always extremely precious. Everywhere I look, I am reminded of the incredible stories that God wrote in my life as a college student. And I am once again filled with the knowledge and faith that God has always been good and will never cease to be good.

I see residents of the dorms, probably freshmen, walk past me in groups with smiles on their faces. I remember my first few years of college, when I, just like them, was enjoying the excitement and freedom of college life while learning to adapt to the new environment. I remember my junior and senior years, when I would spend time with them in the dorms and be one of few upperclassmen to notice them and care for them. I remember my final quarter as a student, when I would visit them on a daily basis and make every effort to invest in their lives, setting an example of the things I learned over the years. Now I return, almost a complete stranger, and continue to rejoice in knowing that I had done my best with my life on the Hill.

When I visit my friends at UCLA, who are now almost all juniors, seniors, or graduates, it is my wish to be able to set an example to them with the experiences I have gone through. But as much as I hate to admit it, ever since I graduated, I simply haven't been living up to my belief that life after college can be just as exciting. I've managed to be the kind of friend that puts in effort to maintain the friendship, and I've managed to find the balance between maturity and childlike joy. But in terms of having a passionate overall attitude toward life, I haven't been able to meet my own standards. I felt like I simply haven't done my best, and I couldn't explain why.

While talking with a friend during my visit, I was asked how I survived senior year without being overcome by a lack of enthusiasm toward my social and academic life. After thinking about it a little, I realized I had the answer to not only his question, but also my own question about my current lack of enthusiasm toward my life. During my senior year, my academic focus was to complete the courses I had to take with the knowledge that I was called by God to be a music major, and to treat my music projects as not only class assignments, but opportunities to excel in the art form that I'm most passionate for. As for my social life, I wanted to meet people and build relationships with a focus on effort and quality, so that they would last even after I graduated. I had thought about all these things during my senior year, but never really established them as official goals. Still, they were always on my mind. They were subtle and unspoken, but they were the driving forces behind everything I did.

The conversation topic shifted to the additional quarter I spent as a fifth year - the three months I spent living in my car. How was it that I didn't panic about finding an apartment to settle down in? What made me come to the conclusion that I would be perfectly happy sleeping in the parking lot every night, and actually preferred doing so over commuting from home? The answer is the same reason I was able to enjoy such a fulfilling senior year. I had a dream - a subtle but clear dream. I wanted to make the most of every moment I had left as a college student, taking advantage of my academic opportunities and my social life, so that my college career would have a lasting impact on myself and on others. With my mind set on spending as much time with my friends as possible, finding a comfortable place to sleep simply wasn't as important to me. If living in my car would force me to be more outgoing, then I was willing to do it. If I could spend more time at UCLA by sticking around campus rather than driving through traffic to go home every day, then I knew it was the right thing to do. When a person discovers a dream, the dream will inspire him/her to do whatever it takes to achieve it. It was because of a dream that I took the risk of giving up everything I had academically to switch my major to music. It was because of a dream that I chose to live in Hedrick Hall for two years despite the long walk to and from class every day. Dreams helped me conquer the temptation to be lazy, and dreams gave me power to get out of my comfort zone and make life more fulfilling. And a dream is exactly what I need to climb out of the hole I've been trapped in ever since I graduated.

This realization coincides with many of the things I have learned from the weekly discipleship group at my church that started a few weeks ago. And I'm glad to say that after having started to push myself to dream about exactly what I want to pursue as a musician, the picture is starting to become clear. And with clarity will come the motivation to achieve those dreams. In the same way that dreams pushed me forward throughout my years in college, they will motivate and inspire me now to do whatever it takes to reach my goals. I have yet to complete the process of realizing my dreams now like I did in college, but I know that I'm closer than ever before to doing so, and already I can feel the excitement building up inside me. I still believe, as I always have, that a life of passion and excitement doesn't end after college, and it's time for me to live out that belief.

11/17: Had an amazing lunch at West Coast Buffet with Mom, Aunt Amy, and Grandma. I skipped breakfast for the sake of enjoying a big buffet, and it's 10PM now and I feel like skipping dinner too. It's been forever since I had a meal so big I literally couldn't stand up straight afterwards... the last time that happened was probably during Theme Dinner in college. Good times...

The big lunch came at the perfect time, as I didn't get home from work until around 9-ish. That's a pretty typical weekday scenario for me now. Praise God for once again providing me with an almost overwhelmingly busy tutoring schedule - regardless of what I plan to do career-wise in the future, I know that every opportunity I have now is a gift from God and shouldn't be taken for granted.

On a random note, when I uploaded the pictures from Saturday's Beverly Hills trip off my camera, I discovered that the automatic naming system had been restarted to "IMG_0001". That means I've hit the magic 5-digit mark and have pressed the "shoot" button on my camera over ten thousand times. And I've only had this camera for a little over two years...

11/15: SNU. It feels like a typical post-UCLA-visit Sunday, meaning I'm excited but also exhausted. And it's a great feeling, because part of what I wish to accomplish from every UCLA visit is to have the opportunity to push myself to the limits in terms of making good use of my time and energy. In the mist of exhaustion, I find contentment. And in the midst of excitement, I find strength in a way that's really hard to come across in post-college life.

I decided to wake up early and get to the LA area at 8:30 to kick off the day with some early-morning car spotting at the Triangle. Not that there were gonna be lots of people cruising around Rodeo Drive so early in the morning... but it's way better than not going at all. So technically I didn't actually stop at UCLA until after 10AM. Still, it was plenty of time to enjoy at my old school. Had brunch at Novel Cafe with Victoria - everything went well other than the fact that I had to take off my shoe to smoosh a spider. Went to visit Victoria's apartment for a little while, then returned to the Hill to make some phone calls and figure out plans for the rest of the day. (Even though I don't really know people in the dorms anymore, being on the Hill always feels like home - a chance to take a little break between racing around visiting people all over the place.) Spent a few minutes at Bel-Air, then went to visit Christine(Shen). We enjoyed another spontaneous walk around the apartments, then went back to her apartment to chill. Then went south of Wilshire to visit Serena. I think I found a new old-school video game addiction - Tetris Attack! After countless intense duels with Serena, I slowly worked my way up to level 9 (out of 10). Next time I come back, I'll continue making progress!

Back on the streets of Westwood, I ran into Peggy (who I haven't seen in forever) and we got to walk around and catch up for a little bit. Then met with Sophia at Starbucks for some coffee. Yes, it's my third cup of coffee in the same day (one at home in the morning, one at Novel, and one at Starbucks). I try hard to prevent being a caffeine addict, but when I'm at UCLA, it's a different story. As a student, I treated myself to "teafees" every morning for breakfast and never hesitated to use up my extra swipes on caffeinated beverages at Bruin Cafe. So I guess drinking a lot of coffee is just a part of reliving my good old college days. Sophia and I walked around Westwood and enjoyed some random supermarket shopping - there's always something new to discover at supermarkets - water bottles shaped like knots, bacteria colonies, and chips that look like astronaut food, just to name a few. After Sophia left, I returned to the Hill to grab my desperately-needed jacket (which I was stupid enough to leave in the car... it's about time I realize that the busiest time of my day at UCLA almost always starts in the evening.) Met up with Matt at Deneve and we found a nice warm place to sit down and chat. Neither of us live in Deneve, but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy the couches in the lobby. And besides, if someone decides to point a taser at me, I still have my BruinCard. We chatted for probably a couple hours - next time I come, if it's not so cold, maybe we'll go Zombie hunting on campus again. To bring an end to an incredibly fun and busy day, I met up with Trinh and we went to visit Jerry and Antony. We enjoyed some ice cream while watching Mythbusters - you know life is unfair when some people get paid big money to drive military tanks, do pointless experiments, and blow things up. At almost 1AM, I finally decided to head home, only because I wanted to make sure I had enough energy to drive home. And of course, a cup of soda from Bruin Cafe always helps.

The soda kept me alert during the drive home, which was (thank God) extremely smooth (no construction zones, no accidents, no cops...), and as usual, I didn't realize how exhausted I was until I got home. It was the weirdest feeling - back when I was a student at UCLA, it always felt somewhat strange to transition between home and school week after week. I never thought I would get that kind of feeling again. Not that I try to be any different in either place, but it's just that after such a busy, exciting, fast-paced adventure that brought back countless memories, it's so weird to suddenly find myself back in the reality of my present life, which I also enjoy, but in different ways. I'll save my thoughts on this UCLA visit and on my present life for another entry. For now, it's time to shut up and go catch up on sleep before another week of work!

11/09: UCLA Visit this Saturday (11/14)! This is like... visit #17? Wow... it's been a while since I graduated. Haha... anyway, I've started contacting people already, but as usual plans probably won't be solidified until I'm actually at UCLA. That's what always happens, and I don't expect it to change. And besides, surprises are part of the fun. Chances are this will be my last time visiting until next year, since everyone will be home for Thanksgiving weekend, and after that it's time to cram for finals. Technically I can still come visit and waltz down BruinWalk laughing at people who have to study. But I'd rather not get stoned to death. I was talking with Ken earlier and came up with an interesting scenario. During finals week, two people are waltzing down BruinWalk, one wearing a sign that says "I Have No Finals" with a big happyface and the other wearing a USC Trojans shirt. Who will get beat down first?

11/08: SNU. It's been an extremely eventful weekend - and I'm really looking forward to a good night's sleep after having so much fun. Saturday's adventures began at 6 in the morning (!), when I forced myself out of bed, downed a cup of coffee, and went to meet up in Snow Creek with Joseph, Janet, Jary, Joan, Ken, and Jeremy. Jay joined us at a nearby gas station, and together we began an awesome drive through the Glendora Mountains, enjoying the scenery, the fresh air, the occasional breaks, and the drive itself. Even while following the speed limit, it's a lot of fun. Of course, we let Jay (with his Porsche GT3) go in the front so he can enjoy pushing the car to its limits while serving as a cop magnet for the rest of us. After returning to RH, we enjoyed Chinese breakfast at E-Mei before saying goodbye. I had lunch with Mom and Grandma at Phoenix, then joined Ken, Steph(Lin), and Joseph at the Hacienda Center event. Ken, Jeremy, and I enjoyed dinner at Earthen (I think I've been to just about every restaurant in that plaza now), followed by PACT. I heard there was a Coconut Bay outing after PACT, but of course, waking up at 6AM meant I was way too tired to stay out late. After church today, Ken, Jeremy, Jary, and I had lunch at Q Noodle House. I'm still amazed at how inexpensive the place is - definitely a good choice considering I seriously need to stop spending too much money. Last week I downed a whole lot on car maintainence, including fixing the stupid A/C fan that somehow stopped working. It's a long story, but I ended up having to send the car back again cuz they didn't fix what they were supposed to, and at the end I got a pretty good discount of a Benjamin and a half. Well worth the extra hassle. But still, I'm quite broke. Hopefully this will motivate me to work harder to figure out what I want to do with music...

11/05: The Summer that Never Ended

Every year, I look back at summer vacation and realize that it seems to have some kind of recurring theme. In the past, it has been anything from a job opportunity to a unique personal experience. Even though I am no longer a student, my current job as a private tutor allows me to follow the academic calendar pretty closely. Summer is usually extremely relaxing - almost too relaxing - since the demand for tutoring is much lower when school is not in session. I've always believed that free time is a blessing from God, and knowing that my job as a tutor was an answered prayer, I think of my free time as opportunities to focus on other important things aside from making money.

It's already November, and I often ask myself why it took me this long to start looking back at summer. I guess it's because this year's transition from summer into the new academic year happened so smoothly that it never felt like summer actually ended. In fact, as summer approached its end, I had already planned a Monday all-day hangout with some friends before I realized it was on the day I was supposed to resume after-school tutoring. Fortunately, the schedule conflict was easily taken care of (being my own boss means I can technically choose when I work). But it made me realize that while I was able to balance both work and fun during the summer, my main focus simply wasn't on my occupation. And that leads me to discovering the theme of this summer.

It all happened out of the blue. Through many church activities, spontaneous hangouts, and opportunities too perfect to have been from mere chance, I found myself in the midst of a group of friends like none I've had before. Some of them were people I've known and considered friends for years, while others basically appeared out of nowhere. Either way, everything just somehow clicked together. Summer came at the perfect time; we were enjoying getting to know each other at a deeper level, and the extra time in our hands allowed us to strengthen our friendships like never before.

The greatest thing about these friends is that we're so different but so similar at the same time. Where else could I have found people who were willing to join me in dressing up as cows to get free food at Chick-Fil-A? We ate lots of food, watched lots of movies, and threw lots of parties. We enjoyed many late-night hangouts, and I finally became comfortable with the idea of having my ID checked to order beverages. Alcohol was one of many things I intentionally avoided in college; I was never against drinking, but I simply didn't think I was with the right people. And with this group of friends, I know I have nothing to worry about. That's where our similarities kick in. Rooted in the same faith, we share the same basic purposes of a God-given life and strive to help each other achieve them. We know how to have fun while being responsible and joke around while loving each other. And no matter how much fun we're having, we never forget how to be real, honestly sharing our struggles and helping each other through them.

Our friendships are centered around a desire to worship God, and our imperfections and differences serve to show us just how much we need each other. I can say for myself that I truly need these amazing people, and can't imagine what my life would be like now without them. We are so close that our closeness brings out many of my weaknesses, and it shows me where and how I can grow and improve. The differences in our personalities help keep each other in check, while our flaws remind us to be humble and help each other grow. We don't see ourselves as better than others, and that's why we are always open to meeting new friends and treating them like we treat each other.

In a culture often too caught up with avoiding reality in favor of social acceptance, there are countless people who struggle to find genuine friendship, and that makes me feel especially blessed to be a part of the evolution of this group of friends. My colorful history with friendships includes everything from being a desperate loner in high school to a social butterfly in college. But one thing I lacked all this time was a group of friends that treats me the way I treat them, sees me far beyond the surface, and encourages me in my faith and in my life. It's something I've always wanted secretly, but never really knew how to earn. The truth is that people often put on a mask without even realizing it, and it wasn't until this summer that I realized exactly how much I've been unintentionally hiding. With these friends, I can be completely real, so real that it hurts sometimes. And that's exactly how friendship should be. I have always taken a quality-over-quantity approach when it comes to friendships, but somehow a part of that approach never really worked - until this summer. Through the countless hours spent with these friends, I realized that I now have exactly what I've searched all my life for.

If every summer really has a recurring theme, then this one would be the summer that never ended. Having learned to find a healthy balance of work and fun, it's not uncommon nowadays for me to enjoy mid-week hangouts. And these hangouts not only give us all something to look forward to in the middle of a busy week of work or school, but also strengthen our faith and remind us that there are people who care for us. The truth is that for all of us, life sucks to a certain degree, whether it's being confused and lost about our futures or struggling with illnesses, finances, or family problems. But that's why we need each other no less than we did before, and that's exactly why it felt like this summer never ended.

God only knows how many more years there will be when I can clearly distinguish between summer and school time. But the gifts that this summer has given me are things that will last far beyond those few short months. This summer is only one chapter of a far greater story, beginning with me eagerly seeking genuine friendships and continuing into wherever God will lead each of us in the future. I praise God for using this summer to answer the prayers that have been in my heart for years. I pray that God will continue to bless this amazing group of friends, leading us as we grow together, and letting the fruits of this summer last for as long as we live.