02/27: Transformation Journal #13 - An opportunity to test my heart

When I first found out that my church was hosting a community service event to help clean the streets of Hacienda Heights, I asked myself, "should I choose to participate, or should I come up with a good reason to not show up?" Perhaps enough people would be there to help, and my absence wouldn't make a difference. When the date of the event came closer, I asked myself, "is this event worth rearranging my Saturday morning work schedule for, or should I use my job as an excuse?" After I rescheduled work and began to think about the event, I asked myself, "will I clean the streets simply because Jesus would do the same, or do I have any selfish motives?" Perhaps I want people to see that I'm a kind person. Or perhaps I simply want to feel good for doing a good deed.

When I found out that the event would be preceded by an early morning prayer and worship session, I asked myself, "should I wake up earlier to meet with God and be united with the other volunteers in spirit, or should I show up right before it's time to start sweeping?" When I was asked to go even earlier in the morning to play piano for the prayer and worship session, I asked myself, "am I waking up early to fulfill an obligation, or am I doing so to worship God with the gifts He has given me?" When the weather report showed a good chance of rain, I asked myself, "am I secretly wishing for the event to be cancelled, or am I truly eager to have an opportunity to demonstrate Jesus' love through serving?"

When I woke up at 5:00 AM with a headache, I asked myself, "is it really worth it?" When our worship team faced some unexpected circumstances that made the little time we had to practice even shorter, I asked myself, "do I seek to have a perfect musical performance, or do I seek to worship God from my heart?" When the sound of rain outside grew increasingly louder as we worshipped, I asked myself once again, "do I really want to serve, or would I rather see this event cancelled so I can go back home and sleep?" When the pastor made the official announcement to cancel the event, I asked myself, "should I be angry at having wasted my time and effort, or should I praise God nonetheless?"

While I cannot say that I answered all of these questions positively, I'm definitely glad I asked them, because they not only showed me my many flaws, but helped me to discern right from wrong and choose to do what is right. Had I chosen to not show up to the event, my absence would have in fact made a difference, not because there were insufficient volunteers, but because God sees my heart. Had I chosen to be frustrated at the cancellation of the event, I would have been guilty of trying to take God's will into my own hands. The purpose of this event was not to advertise for the church or show others how kind we could be, but rather to give God glory through humbly serving the community. God has complete control over the weather, and if He chooses to send rain, who are we to complain? It would be like trying to please someone by giving him a gift you know he doesn't want. God is glorified through our actions, but most of all, God is glorified through our hearts. I offered my heart to God by being willing to serve, and if He chooses to prevent the event from happening, then so be it.

Those of us who showed up in the morning were blessed to be able to start the day by gathering with other believers and singing songs of praise to God. Despite having wrestled with my heart many times, even while on stage playing piano, I checked my motives frequently to make sure my heart was in the right place, and when it wasn't, I did my best to change it. And because my heart was willing, I saw beauty in a situation that would otherwise have left me complaining.

We were supposed to pick up our brooms and sweep the streets of Hacienda Heights. Instead, God sent a storm and washed every street in the whole city as we sang songs of praise. We presented God our hearts with a willingness to serve others, and in the end, God served us by doing the work we should have done while we remained in the comfort of the church building. The point is that in the end, He still received glory through our obedience.

02/26: Transformation Journal #12 - A very honest entry about a very serious topic.

Life on earth is both temporary and fragile - we don't know when it will end, but we know it can happen anytime. Yet sometimes my stubbornness tells me that even death has no power over me. Sure, as a Christian I believe that when I die I'll go to heaven, and that's why I don't need to fear death. But does it not mean anything to me that everything a person accumulated in life - money, friends, family, possessions, emotions, experiences, wisdom - all these things can vanish within the blink of an eye?

Recently I encountered a situation where death took a person from this world. Even though I neither knew the woman nor saw what happened, I was close enough to be affected by it, simply because it caused me a little inconvenience in an otherwise smooth day. And I complained about it. At the time I didn't know death was involved, but judging by what I saw, it wasn't too hard to guess. But I simply didn't care. My stubbornness told me to complain and get pissed off rather than use a little common sense. I saw those who were doing their best to help, and made their lives even more difficult. And it's safe to say that the way I responded to the situation could have put many more innocent lives in danger.

It wasn't until a day later that I read some news articles and found out what actually happened. And when I did, I continued to complain. Surely some idiot must have done something stupid that led to the fatal outcome. After all, most "accidents" in life are things that could have easily been avoided if people weren't so stupid. I read some comments posted by readers in response to the news articles, and realized I wasn't alone. Even though details of the situation were still unclear, many quickly jumped to conclusions and pointed fingers at whoever they thought was to blame. Then there were those others who countered the comments by telling their writers to have a little compassion. But those voices were only whispers amidst a frantic sea of selfish opinions.

As time passed, more details were revealed in the form of pictures. The pictures showed not only the incident itself, but the things that took place the following day. I saw flowers placed at the spot where the woman took her final breath. I saw a family member sitting next to those flowers, filled with emotions my words cannot even begin to describe. I saw many friends and relatives probably still in shock and unable to explain why such tragedies happen. It was then that reality finally hit me. Not far from the scene where a life was lost and many others were heavily affected, I was busy complaining, cursing, and pointing fingers just because I could. I simply didn't care about anyone or anything except for myself. I was sitting on my own throne, sticking my middle finger out at everybody who didn't bow down and worship me.

What if I were a little bit closer, and actually witnessed what happened? What if I were among the people actually involved? What if, with the blink of an eye, I was in critical condition and had to be sent to the emergency room? What if I was the one that stared death in the face with no time to say goodbye? Regardless of who's innocent and who's guilty, if I died or lost a loved one, how would I feel if nobody cared because everyone was too busy complaining about their own stupid little problems? God knows my heart, and there's something seriously wrong with claiming to be a Christian and living as if He didn't exist. That's the reason I'm writing this entry. There's no reason to be dishonest with myself when God already knows everything. Now that I've clearly seen the darkness of my heart in God's light, it's time to make some serious changes.

God, shatter my hard heart and mold it in a way that is pleasing to You. Melt the coldness inside me so that I can love people as You first loved me. May I never forget that I am nothing without You. You give and You take away, and this life I live is not something I've earned, but rather a gift from You to be used for Your glory. When You look at me with the eyes of perfect holiness and righteousness, my sins are so offensive that I clearly deserve nothing better than to burn in hell for eternity. But still, You sent Your son to die on the cross for my sins so I can be forgiven and made right with You again. Even though there are many in this world whose hearts are as hard as mine, I am so blessed to be among the few to know and accept Your gift of love and salvation. May I never forget the power of the cross, and may I learn to see the world through Your eyes. May I find strength in You to wage war against my selfishness until the day it surrenders. And while I have no need to fear death, may I learn to fear You instead, because doing so is the beginning of wisdom (Proverbs 9:10). May Your great and perfect will be done in my life.

02/21: Transformation Journal #11

Focus. That's the one thing I need more than anything else right now. While this past week has been more or less fun and productive, it's also been extremely rough, simply because I haven't been focusing on God nearly as much as I should. And because of that, I really don't feel like I've made much progress in the things I'm ultimately trying to accomplish with this time of change. There's something truly amazing about intimacy with God - it's such a subtle feeling, but it makes such a big difference. Because it's subtle, it's easy for me to fall into sin and accept the lie that doing so won't have any consequences. But when I realize that I've lost that intimacy with God, everything in life begins to fall apart.

To be honest, if I'm not gonna stay focused and make the most out of this time, I might as well just give it up and return to the way things used to be. But thank God I still have enough sense in me to know that I simply can't do that, because sooner or later I'm gonna end up right back where I am now. And thanks to a couple very powerful and applicable sermons I heard this weekend, I find just enough strength to get back on my feet and start moving forward again.

The two sermons were on very different topics, but they both teach me the same thing - focus. If I don't focus on God, there's no way I'll be able to fight against sin. And if I don't focus on God, the relationships in my life will always be bogged down by selfishness, unforgiveness, and all the other problems inside me. The Bible gives countless examples of broken relationships that went wrong. Cain killed Abel because of jealousy (Genesis 4). David had Uriah killed because of lust (2 Samuel 11). The scary thing is that those people were not enemies; Cain and Abel were brothers, and David and Uzziah were very close friends. Yet what started as a small dose of one man's selfishness eventually led to another's death.

While people in the Old Testament were mandated by law to make up to those they have wronged, Jesus expects even more that that from us. And when we are wronged by others, we are expected to turn the other cheek (Matthew 5:39). Now that's simply crazy, considering I have a tendency to not let people slap my first cheek to begin with. My counterargument has always been that while we should be humble, it doesn't mean we should let people take advantage of us. And to an extent I still believe it's true. But my motives behind that thinking is definitely flawed. The problem is that I'm not surrendering myself to God to let Him take complete control. I'm too busy thinking of arguments and drawing boundaries to realize the fundamental message behind the gospel - we are all sinners, and we have no right to feel like we're better than others.

God loves healthy relationships; that's why He made Jesus go to such great lengths to mend the broken relationships we have with Him. With that in mind, shouldn't I also make an effort to mend the broken relationships in my life? The point of taking this break is not to simply empty myself of opportunities to be hurt by others, but rather to fill that emptiness with God's love. That's why I need to focus, and I pray that I'll be able to do exactly that.

02/20: A random little car-spotting adventure

Ever since the series of thunderstorms ended a few weeks ago, the weather's been more or less pleasant. Sure, there are those occasional showers - like the one that was supposed to happen today but apparently never did. But what I'm trying to say is that people around this area are definitely feeling ready for summer. And it's easy to tell simply by paying attention to what cars the rich people choose to drive.

In these past few weeks, I've been very lucky to have to work on Saturday afternoons, since it gives me a reason to cruise through the ever-so-familiar streets of Walnut where all the exotic cars hide. And ever since I launched Exotic Affinity (my new YouTube channel for car-spotting videos), I've been more desperate than ever to catch some more good footage. Today's short drive to work helped me obtain good footage of an F430 Spider, which, though not the rarest exotic, left me quite happy, especially considering it was supposed to rain today. I also passed by an R8, which I planned to film on my way home from work (since it's about the same time most people get out of work and drive home). The time finally came, but for some strange reason I chose to ditch the R8 in hope of seeing something better. Looking back now, I'm happy as I ever can be for making that choice. Because that's how I encountered this baby on its way to getting a smog check -

02/17: Transformation Journal #10 - another response to Valentine's Day.

When it comes to romantic relationships, it seems like one thing I do very differently from most people is that I've never actively pursued a relationship. People often tell me things like "you can't go on waiting forever" and "you won't know until you try", and while those things are true, it is during times like this period of change that I'm once again assured that I'm doing the right thing.

One thing I really want to make clear is that I have never in my life engaged in a conversation or tried to get closer to someone with the intention of a potential dating relationship. In fact, it really breaks my heart when girls overthink my motives and distance themselves thinking I may want more from then than they want to give me. I get to know people simply for the sake of forming friendships, and that's as far as I plan on taking it. If somehow things move beyond that, then that's a different story. But my point is that when I pursue friendship for the sake of friendship, that's all I'm really looking for. And the reason for that is that in a regular friendship it is a lot easier to demonstrate genuine love without being sidetracked by peer pressure, emotions, facades, any of that stuff. Yes, love is an emotion, but it is so much more than just that. And until I have at least a decent grasp of what genuine love is all about, I'm unable to love a girl the way she deserves to be loved.

These problems are easily noticeable in the way I treat my friends. A lot of times when I try to be nice to people, the question I'm actually asking myself is not "how can I be nice to this person?", but "how can I make him/her notice me?" or "how can I make him/her like me more?" That's why I never put romantic love as a high priority in my life yet. If, even with friendships, I'm so blinded by my own selfishness, how the heck can I expect to be in a romantic relationship and not be sidetracked? I have a lot to learn, and I'm working hard to learn those things both for my own good and for the people in my life I care about.

I recently had the chance to serve some people, and did so with the mentality of simply serving and expecting nothing in return. But while those opportunities were voluntary and planned, most opportunities to serve come at unexpected times and catch me off guard. Those are the ones that I usually respond selfishly to, because unless I'm making an effort to focus on putting others above myself, chances are I'll be too consumed by selfishness to genuinely care about others. My prayer now is that the attitude I had when I served my friend will be the same attitude I have in my everyday life. And when that attitude becomes engraved in my character, I will be one big step ahead in the lifelong journey of understanding the mystery of God's perfect love. Even though I will never be perfect like Jesus, at least I should do my best, and I think it's only right for me to feel that if I truly care about the people in my life, whether friends, family, or my future girlfriend/wife, I should be willing to care for their needs without expecting anything in return. That's why I believe my decision to wait before stepping into a relationship is right. There are some life lessons that must be learned together, and others that should be learned alone. If I can't get my own life together, there's no way I can expect to share my life with someone else and live in harmony. The reason I wait is so I can grow, and while I definitely hope it won't last forever, I know that for now it's a good thing. And I know that one day I'll be able to look back and say that I'm very glad I decided to wait.

02/15: Transformation Journal #9:

Writing the Valentine's Day entry made me think about a lot of things. Over time, love has spoken to me through several different characters, and while each is unique in her own way, one common theme unites them all - they all serve to fill some sort of emptiness inside me. It's only natural for people to have different needs while growing up, and many times my affection for a person is tied to her ability to fill the needs I have at that particular time. I believe that to an extent, a romantic relationship will always be based on personal want and need, because ever since the beginning of time, God created man and woman to be companions for one another. But the more I think about it, the more I can't help but wonder, "if everyone on earth loves for selfish reasons, then is there really such thing as true love?"

That's where God comes in. He loves us not because He needs us, but because He wants us. He is God Almighty, creator of the whole universe, and He could really care less about loving a bunch of lowly little humans. The sad truth is that there are people every day who leave this world and don't make it to heaven. If God really needs all of us, He could have made us all angels who spend eternity singing "Hallelujah" to Him, rather than putting us on earth and giving us the option of spending eternity in hell. But He placed us here and gave us the choice of whether or not to love Him, because only by doing so can true love exist.

If I'm forced to love someone, or if I love because I'm not aware of any other options, then is it really considered love at all? True love involves having the option of saying no, but still choosing to say yes. The only way God can receive true love from us is by allowing us to choose to love Him. That's why it makes no sense to force someone to believe in God or go to church; if love isn't genuine, then it really isn't love at all. And because God sees our hearts, He knows if our worship to Him is genuine or not.

But of course, we humans aren't perfect, and if perfection is the only way to heaven, then we're all doomed. That's why God's love is so beautiful. He doesn't only expect love from us, but He is also a giver of love. 1 John 4:8 illustrates this perfectly - "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love". God doesn't just love, He is love itself. He is the very essence of love, the only perfect example of true love. Like I said earlier, true love involves a choice, and God has the choice of how to respond to the sins we commit which He despises. He can choose to stay in heaven and not care about the world, and He can choose to stay angry at our sins and send us all to you-know-where. But He chooses to forgive, because love does not keep a record of wrongs (1 Corinthians 13:5). And He not only forgives, but does so by sending His own son to die on the cross. That is as perfect as love can get. Even in non-Christian circles, the descriptions of love found in 1 Corinthians 13 (Patient, kind, not boastful, not selfish, etc.) are widely used as an ideal picture of love. The way God loves us demonstrates every one of those traits perfectly, and it is the only love that "always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres" (1 Cor. 13:7).

That's why I need to make every effort to focus on God and let His love be the source of my own love. Regardless of whether it's with my family, my friends, or a girlfriend, my love will eventually run dry if it's not rooted deeply in God's love. Nowadays we see a constant increase of dysfunctional families, divorced couples, and fickle friendships, all because people choose to love based on their own love, which does not last forever. Human love changes with our needs, our desires, and our emotions, but true love never fails. Sadly, even many Christians who claim to follow God end up looking for love in the wrong places. I've made that mistake too many times, and in the end it hurts not only myself, but also the people around me that I claim to love. I know my love is not perfect, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try my best. Because of God, I believe that true love really exists, and even though I can't be perfect, I know that if I center my life around God's love, then I can at least have a glimpse of that love and give it to the people He placed in my life.

02/14: A Chronicle of the Characters of Love

To you whose name is the greatest emotion, who give me hope when I cannot find it, who show me beauty when all I hear is silence, who teach me to run passionately down this road of life:

From the beginning, you were there. When I closed my eyes, you were right beside me. When I ran out of words, you broke the silence with a song. When my world crumbled, you kept me standing. Though you are hard to grasp, you spoke to me in many tongues and showed yourself through many faces. You led me through an incredible journey of battles won and lost, roads smooth and rough, and stories finished and unfinished. In the end, you still stand strong. And through you I find the strength to whisper to those through whom you made yourself known to me, "I love you".

To you whom I loved before I even knew of love:

From the passenger seat of my mother's car, I looked in the mirror and saw you in the car behind us. I'd like to believe that you were looking at me too. We were young and far from driving ourselves, and we knew little of love. But love knew us. On the radio, a new symphony was played, orchestrated by the trust that love gave us. From the playful to the passionate, each part of that masterpiece flowed elegantly into the next. The current movement is a soft one, almost without direction. Will the piece end here, or will it pick up its pace and proceed? Now we drive ourselves, and you have long gone away. But switch on the radio, and you will still hear our symphony playing. Turn and look in the mirror, and you will still see me.

To you who were the eyes to a world that never knew me:

After countless hours and thousands of words, the world never knew of us. They knew you, but only you knew me. And your words were everything to me. I had once run away in fear, but you gave me the courage to return home. If only the roof of that home did not prevent us from seeing the infinite sky above us! It must have been love, though I didn't know it at the time. I have long outgrown that home, but I think of you each time I visit, though you're no longer there. Through you, I had a glimpse of the world I was in but never part of. It never knew me as I wished it would, but because of you, I can say I'm glad I tried.

To you whose eyes mine have never seen, but whose heart was my inspiration:

We met right where we needed each other. We were distant, but intimate. Shallow, but fulfilling. Blinded, but captivated by one another. We made the most of the time we spent exploring the new world that brought us together. But that world was far from perfect, and before long you left for what you thought was a better place while I wished for you to turn back. Though I did not have the strength to follow your footsteps, you inspired me to build a mansion where we once stood together. By now you must have gone very far, but if you ever find your way back, that mansion will testify that I have not forgotten you.

To you who led me to find the hidden treasure of my own heart:

You noticed me when the world ignored me. You held my hands when no one would walk by my side. You dug deep and found gold when I wandered aimlessly on the surface. We traveled through the highest mountains and the deepest valleys, and while I knew not where we were going, you knew all along that there was treasure waiting to be discovered. Even though our gold is finite, we now know that what was once a barren desert can become a land flourishing with opportunity. And those opportunities will stay with me forever. For that, I can never thank you enough.

To you who came and left like an ocean wave and swept away a piece of me:

I stood in the water, and you found me. You caught me by surprise when you crashed against my bare back. You rose above me and embraced me. For a moment, you were all I could see. It was then that I remembered I couldn't swim and ran back to the shore. But when I turned around, you were gone. I returned to the water every day, hoping to get a glimpse of you again. Though many waves looked alike, none struck and held me the way you did. For you took with you a piece of my heart, like a beautiful seashell, forever washed away.

To you who shone brightest among the stars I saw each night:

There were only few of them, but you always seemed the closest. And in a time when my life was surrounded by darkness, you made a big difference. It broke my heart when the clouds came between us, and for years I wondered if you were still there. Now I know that you are, and I'd like to believe that you always will be. The darkness has long left me, but still you shine, and still I notice.

To you who inspired a story that came to life beyond its writer's control:

Many ideas flash through an author's mind, but few become reality. And even fewer do so in such a way that even the author is left amazed. For mere seconds the vision crossed my mind, and for years I remembered it. Then suddenly it sprang to life as if by a mind of its own. The resulting story reveals hope in emptiness, strength in silence, but the themes that are foreign to me I left unwritten, because only time can tell a story so great. I am no writer, but I know that a good story's end must justify its plot, and because of that, I know that our story must not have ended yet.

To you who captured my heart like an enticing storm:

Like a child eager to play in the rain, I ran to you. There was beauty in the darkness, passion in the things beyond my control. But my own curiosity led me to fall, and it wasn't until I returned home sick that I knew not to play in the storm again. I tried to bottle lightning and I tried to tame thunder, but I now know that I can do neither. So I look at you silently from the safety of my window. If you intend no harm, then the distance is best for both of us.

To you who completed the puzzle of my heart with the wrong pieces:

The pieces fit perfectly, though they belong in different puzzles. The picture looks beautiful, though incorrect. If I know where to find the right pieces, will you accept them? Or will you settle with filling the holes with the second best? There is beauty in the abstractness, but if we gaze long enough that we are convinced, will we also be convinced that this is as good as it can be?

To you who joined me in writing a yet unfinished song:

It was an ordinary day, until I was faced with a chance to make it extraordinary. On that day, we began writing a song together. We cherished the consonances and corrected the dissonances, and there was but one phrase that was left unwritten. Though we don't fully understand the lyrics, our melodies harmonize each other's beautifully. To this day we sing our song, and to this day I search for the perfect phrase to complete the missing measures. The song can repeat itself forever, but must it be forever unfinished? Maybe someday, we will agree on the missing phrase. And on that day, maybe the words to our song will be understood.

To you who walk beside me on the path of our maker:

When you were young, you walked behind me. Now we walk side by side, taking turns leading the way and correcting each other when we make the wrong turn. Sometimes we walk separately, and other times we walk together. But each time our paths unite, we grow stronger. Together we explore the world around us, which draws our attention to its designer. It was He who made our paths meet, and it was He who has always lit the path ahead of us. We will continue walking, and we will continue growing. We know not where this path will lead, but we know we are going the right way.

To you who sang a soft song that touched my heart:

I listened as you sang the tune and strummed its chords for the first time. Its melody and harmony mingled perfectly together. Sometimes I find myself singing your song too. Maybe you heard me, or maybe you never noticed. Sometimes I sing too loudly, and the chords are overshadowed. It is in softness that this song shines brightest, because beauty speaks for itself. So even though I may never sing like you do, I close my eyes and hear your voice behind my humming. And each time I do, it feels as if I were hearing you sing again for the first time.

To you whose candle rests flameless on a candlestand for two:

The candlestand was made for two. We traveled the world and found our two favorite candles. Their glow was warm and bright, their aroma pleasant and exotic. So admirable was that blaze that though we traveled home on different roads, we kept our candles burning, eager to see the flames reunite on the stand. As we dined together under the flickering beauty, your flame was blown out. Several times I lit it again with mine, but each time became more difficult. My candle continues to burn brightly while yours refuses the flame. One day my candle will burn to its end and be no more, while yours will stand alone. Neither a solo flame nor a single unlit candle can bring beauty to a candlestand made for two. Must I also blow out my flame so the two can stand together in the dark?

To you who will be my first, and, I pray, my only:

Have I already written to you, or have I yet to hear your voice? Have our paths already crossed, or have they yet to intersect? Love has spoken to me in many voices, but yours will ring louder than them all. Love has shown itself to me through many faces, but yours will shine brighter than them all. To you I will hand the keys to my heart. For you I will take a risk and cross the line. Because of you, every battle is worth fighting, every road worth traveling, and every story worth writing. You are a purpose behind every battle, a companion on every road, and a happy ending that unites all the stories love has played a character in. With you a new story will begin. In that story, love will be the star that lights our path, the treasure worth searching a lifetime for, and the eyes to a new world designed specially for the two of us. No storm or wave will stop our candles from burning brightly. Together we will sing and dance to the symphony of our maker, whose name is Love and who was, is, and always will be the author of the greatest love story every written.

02/13: Transformation Journal #8:

It's been almost a month already, and I'm at the point where I need to really force myself to stay focused on the goals I'm trying to accomplish. A part of me has gotten used to my current lifestyle already, and while that's a good thing in the sense that it makes it easier for me to not crave my past desires as much, it's also bad in that it gives me the tendency to just cruise through every day of my life as if there's nothing special about it. The truth is that every day is special, because there's always something new to accomplish. But it simply hasn't felt that way to me lately.

And deep inside I know why. I haven't been as focused on God as I used to be. He's the one that made this time of change possible, and He's the one that counsels me during this time. But if I lose sight of Him, where am I supposed to receive guidance from? I realized that I've been feeling a lot more outgoing lately, simply because I don't feel like sitting at home all day. And that is simply a return to my tendency to seek pleasure by putting God's creation above Himself in my life.

It is impossible to keep up with the changes I want to see take place in my life unless I'm deeply rooted in God's word. Recently I read about the incident where Jesus healed a man who was born blind, and made the Pharisees angry because he did so on a Sabbath (John 9). The Pharisees were fully engulfed by their desire to be "religious" and tried whatever they could to accuse Jesus and the man who was healed. But to the healed man, all that mattered was that he was once blind, but could finally see. And because he had faith and was humble, he accepted Jesus' love and was saved. The irony of the story is that the ones who are really blind are actually the Pharisees, because they were too prideful to place Jesus above their own ideals of right and wrong.

During the times when I felt distant from God, it was as if I were suddenly blinded. My heart was hard, and I would not let God work in me. During such times I sometimes jump to the conclusion that the problem is that God isn't reaching out to me, and sometimes I use that as an excuse to turn to sin. Like the Pharisees, I'm too caught up in the little details in my life to really see what's going on. But in reality, God is always there; it's my choice whether or not to respond to Him. Ultimately, it's either "God" or "no God", because it is impossible to serve two masters. So I fall on my knees and say sorry, because I haven't done my best with the time He has blessed me with. And that's exactly where mercy comes in. While sin has obvious consequences, deep inside I know that I am forgiven, and now I can get back on my feet and keep moving forward.

God is good, and I have no question about that. Even when I don't "feel" close to Him, He is still there. And in these past few days He has made Himself known to me through many ways. I find it funny how a lot of people in my life really have no idea what I've been trying to do lately - not because I expect them to know, but because some of the changes that took place seem so obvious, yet they're still so focused on things on the surface level. Upon seeing the issues that lie beneath the surface in my life, the surface issues simply don't matter anymore, at least not until I deal with the roots of the problem. But for the people who do see and understand, words cannot express how thankful I am. God has used them to remind me of His faithfulness, because through them I see that good changes are taking place. That thankfulness comes from deep inside, and through it I find power to forgive their past wrongs and make an effort to love them selflessly. By staying focused on God, I see the roots of my problems more clearly and can pull them out one by one, while filling the emptiness with the foundation of the gospel message and the source of all genuine love.

02/09: Transformation Journal #7:

I was placed in a situation where I had almost no choice but to either compromise on my disciplinary fast or to make it known publicly. My only option was to fall on my knees before God and ask for wisdom. I acknowledged that I, like the adulterous woman, was in need of God's grace, and that I, like the Pharisees, had no right to throw stones at other sinners. Life is simply not all about me. As obvious as it sounds, it's amazingly hard to drill that truth into my head. And I made sure that before I engaged in any sort of activity that could potentially cause me to break my "fast", I was right with God and focused on His will rather than mine. After all, the real "fast" is not about what I physically do, but where my heart is.

I stepped into the situation knowing that I would have to face the type of things that can easily frustrate me and throw me right back into the never-ending loop of discontent that I'm finally starting to climb out of. That's why I needed to be right with God first. Rather than expecting those around me to serve me, I grasped tightly onto the mentality that I was there to serve others, regardless of whether or not I got anything back in return. In the end, I not only had fun, but also did so without letting my pride get in the way of my relationship with others.

Back at home, I worshipped God for everything that happened. My heart was filled with joy - not the typical casual joy that comes from simply having a good time, but the kind that tells me deep inside that I did something genuinely right. I wonder what the adulterous woman did after she left the temple forgiven by Jesus. Surely her life must have been changed in one way or another, and surely it was evident to those around her, because such an incredible encounter with God simply cannot be left hidden. Love makes no sense if there's nobody to give it to, and it is natural for a person filled with love to show that love to others. My love is far from strong, but even with the little I have, it simply feels right giving it away. And when I do so while keeping in mind the example that Jesus has set, the end result is a love that gives God glory. That's exactly the kind of love I want my life to be all about.

02/06: Transformation Journal #6:

The only fellowship I actively seek now is that which involves some sort of God-based activity, namely discipleship group, cell group, and church. Not that I'm trying to turn into a holier-than-thou monk; it's just that during this phase that I'm going through, I need to get my priorities straight, and to cut off ties with my church commitments would simply be sinful and displeasing to God. In fact, doing so would probably cause me to stumble even deeper. I must admit it's nice having at least a small social life a few days a week, but even so, much of it involves simply playing along with the game for the sake of discipline. After studying the story of the adulterous woman (see previous entry), I think I've suddenly become much stronger in understanding how I should deal with people. But it will still take time before I'm truly able to apply what I learned, and during that time I must continue forcing myself to stick to my discipline.

Recently there were a few conversations that really made me want to cry. While they were about different topics, they both made me realize exactly how much I miss the things I've forced myself to give up during this time. I can't believe it's been three weeks already, and upon realizing that, it's hard for me to not turn back to my old way of feeling like I haven't put my time to good use because I haven't done a lot of the things I used to do. But I must keep on fighting, and my desire to cry tells me that there's still an emotional battle going on inside me.

I want to say that I truly love the things I gave up, but I now know that to do so would be a lie. My emotional attachment to those things is what brought me into this situation to begin with, and until I can deal with my tendency to turn to things other than God for security, deciding to return to my "normal" life would hurt both myself and others in the long run. I may be far from understanding true love, but I know that using the name of love to hide my selfishness goes against the very nature of love, and I simply can't allow myself to do it anymore. There's got to be at least a little genuine love in me, and for the sake of protecting and growing it I'm willing to do whatever it takes, because the only love that people in my life deserve from me is that which is genuine.

There are so many things that I miss, but I know that there are also so many things that I've gained by giving them up. In the long run, I know that what I do now will teach me priceless lessons that will bless both myself and others. I must continue fighting. No matter how hard it gets, no matter how tempting it is to tell myself things are already good enough now, I must not give up. It's not yet time for me to go back, because I have much more to learn, and those lessons take time. May God grant me wisdom to discern right from wrong and to stand boldly for this battle that He has called me to fight.

02/05: Transformation Journal #5.

A passage I read during my devotional time today that really touched my heart -

At dawn [Jesus] appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him. But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground. At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" "No one, sir," she said. "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin." (John 8:2-11)

Even though I already knew the story, when I read it this morning I began to feel very emotional; something deep inside me really connected to it. During tonight's discipleship group meeting, we had some time to reflect on the same passage, and it was then that things really became clear to me. There were three main characters present - the Pharisees (the educated and religious people of the time), the adulterous woman, and Jesus. And each of them opened my eyes in a different way.

I, like the Pharisees, have used knowledge as a mean to judge others. The Pharisees who accused the woman may feel that they have the right to stone her because they have never committed adultery. But in God's light, their own sins are no less punishable. I often make the mistake of judging others in areas that I strive to be perfect in, being quick to anger and accuse when they mess up and feeling no need to forgive. But in reality, I have no less flaws than they do, and while it's important for us to let each other know when we mess up, I have no right to feel like I'm any better than they are.

That brings me to the second character. Because of my sins, I deserve death like the woman did and am saved only because Christ has mercy on me. The woman was humble because she knew that she deserved death and could be saved only through mercy. And that's exactly what Jesus gave her. Jesus was the only sinless one, and because he is God, he hates sin. He had every right to throw the first stone at the woman, yet he chose not to. How much more then should I, a sinner, have mercy on the people who wrong me?

Lastly, I must learn from the amazing example that Jesus set in the story, not only in having mercy, but also in making a clear distinction between sin and sinner. God hates sin, but he loves people despite our sins. That's why he sent his son Jesus to die for us. Jesus forgave the woman, but confronted her actions by telling her to go and leave her life of sin. He took a stand for what is right while still showing love and mercy. He was fully angry at the sin, but fully compassionate toward the sinner. I often make the mistake of treating sin and sinner as one, and it results in my tendency to keep record of people's wrongs. Sometimes I'm too chicken to confront the people I love about their sins, and other times I confront them out of anger, selfishness, and even revenge. But I must learn to follow the example Jesus set in this story and apply it to the way I treat people.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that this passage is a perfect example of the fundamentals of the gospel message put to action. We all start off like the Pharisees, selfish and lost. Then we see our sins in God's light and realize that we are at his mercy. Before him we are humbled like the adulterous woman, and through his love and forgiveness we are saved. And in his mercy we find a hope that prompts us to leave our lives of sin and treat others as God first treats us.

This whole concept of love and forgiveness definitely involves a lot of interaction with people, and that's exactly why it means so much to me now. The reason I'm not able to separate sin from the sinner is that our relationships are too often centered around my selfishness. My selfishness prompts me to be quick to judge others by the mistakes they make, even though I'm far from perfect. Upon realizing how many times God has forgiven me for my sins, I have absolutely no right to treat others the way I often do. In the light of God's wisdom, love, and mercy, my selfishness must leave like the Pharisees did, because such attitudes cannot stand in God's presence. And that's exactly the goal of this period of change I'm going through. May God's will continue to be done in my life.

02/04: Finally, a nice happy light-hearted entry. Some of you know that I run a YouTube channel for my exotic car videos (CalvinsECPG). I originally made it several years ago as a supplement to my ECPG (Exotic Car Photo Gallery), and didn't plan on doing much with it. But as time passed and I started filming a lot more cars, I decided to put the channel to better use. The year 2009 brought many great surprises, including a few amazing encounters with Axis Wheels' custom Nissan GT-R and the opportunity to catch what may be the first street footage of a Maybach Zeppelin in America. I also filmed lots of clips from a couple trips to Cars & Coffee and from Premier Protective Films' grand opening party. My Lexus LFA videos, which I woke up at 5AM and drove to Irvine to film, became instant hits, getting as many views as those of the same car filmed by the most well-known automotive editorials. The success of those videos, as well as the others that I uploaded throughout the year on an almost weekly basis, prompted me to conclude that this channel deserves it's own name.

A few weeks ago, upon seeing my subscription list grow on an almost daily basis, I decided it was time to take action quickly. And after countless hours of work, from choosing a name to transferring all my videos to sending personal invitations to everyone on my friends/subscribers list, I'm very content with the result.

02/04: Transformation Journal #4.

As I mentioned before, the period of change that I'm going through involves several "fasts" and sacrifices. Some of them will result (and probably have already resulted) in temporarily cutting some social ties. I won't say it's my intention, because people who know me well enough know how to find me. But I cannot doubt that I will have to face some consequences in my social life, and that thinking about those consequences really bothers me.

So I had to ask myself, why am I so bothered by those things? Why am I so worried? On the surface, I would say that it's because there are many people that I make an effort to keep in touch with that I won't have any contact with. I might even say that it's because they often share their needs with me and I help them and pray for them, and I don't want to abandon them. But upon looking deeper, I realized the truth is that I'm really the one that wants to connect with them, simply because I feel good doing so. When I enjoy a good conversation, deep inside I feel accepted. When I have opportunities to help people, I feel important. When I get to pray for someone, I feel more "right" with God. The real problem isn't them, but me. The real issue isn't that I'm not there for them, but that they're not here for me.

Upon realizing that, I couldn't help but fall on my knees before God and confess for being so self-centered. I have stumbled so deep inside this self-pleasing mentality that I actually thought I was blameless. And I praise God for letting me realize it, because only so can I make an effort to change. During Jesus' time on earth, he was often criticized as a liar with false claims of being God. Because he was God, he had the power to easily make all the people shut up and believe he was telling the truth. But he never did, because he was so humble. In God his father, he found complete security, and so he did not need affirmation from people. He knew the truth so well that even when everyone around him doubted him, he still stood strong. And he set an example that I should strive to be like.

With that in mind, perhaps the consequences I must face are a good thing. I have faith that if God is willing to bless those friendships, He will always provide opportunities to strengthen them. And if I truly value them, then I should appreciate the discipline I'm going through now, because it is teaching me to love as Christ loved, and in doing so relationships will be strengthened in a way that is glorifying to Him.

02/03: Transformation Journal #3.

If God is love, then true love should be closely tied to the fruits of the spirit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23) I thought specifically about faithfulness, and realized that at this point, there are extremely few things I can really have faith in. Needless to say, people in general are not on the list, at least not until this period of change is over. Work, money, success... all those things end up bringing me more hurt than gain when I rely on them too much. I can trust God, and maybe music, and that's it. Even if I'm stripped of everything I possess, I can still make music in my heart. Even if no one else in the world can hear it, it can still bring me a deep sense of contentment. I understand that hiding from my social life is only a temporary phase, because sooner or later, I'm gonna have to learn to love and trust people again, even if only a little at a time. But for now, I need some time to heal first.

Then I thought about the issue of girlfriends and marriage. After all, that expression of love must be fulfilled at some point in my life. And that's definitely a good thing. But given my circumstances now, it's harder than ever before for me to imagine myself trusting and loving someone enough to want to spend forever with her. Suddenly, for the first time in my life, I think I have a slight understanding of the pain involved when someone in a relationship is cheated on. I hear stories about it all the time - one person choosing to do something that leaves another in great suffering, aware of the consequences but simply choosing not to care. The victim often ends up going through a phase of having difficulty trusting others in fear of being hurt again.The amount of trust I have given to people reflects the severity of the pain thrown back at me. The love I wish to treat my future girlfriend and wife with is an extension of the same love I show my family and friends, and that's exactly why it's so important for me to learn how to love in a way that is pleasing to God.

"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised" (Job 1:21). That's the mentality I need to have right now. Every good thing comes from God, and if "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28), then no matter if God gives me something or takes something away, there must be a good reason for it. At this point, there's at least already one good reason for everything that has been "taken away" from me - I'm coming to understand more and more that no matter how much I want to be in control of my own life, God is always the boss, and when He's in charge things always turn out better. If only I can instantly drill that deep inside my heart and apply it to every aspect of my life! The process takes time, and the only way to truly learn this lesson is to give it the time it needs. I must remind myself every day that no matter if I'm at home, at work, on the road, or spending time with people, God can give and God can take away, and I should praise Him not for the things He gives me, but for who He is.

02/01: Transformation Journal #2. (I really don't know what to call it yet). Last night God reminded me of the ever-so-popular "love chapter" in the Bible - 1 Corinthians chapter 13. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (1 Cor 13:4-7) I've known this passage since childhood, and I often refer to it during times like Valentine's Day and use it as a model of how to love my future girlfriend/wife. But this was my first time applying it to the love that I have for my friends, my family, and people in general.

God reminded me of another passage - "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love" (1 John 4:7-8). If being a Christian is so closely tied with love, then the characteristics of love described in 1 Corinthians should be evident in the way I treat people. Yet to be honest, the way I "love" my friends demonstrates very few (if any) of them.

My love, as I'm starting to notice more and more, is almost always self-seeking to an extent. Very often I'm impatient and unkind when I don't need to be. I'm definitely easily angered, and I do have a hard time letting go of ways people have wronged me. In fact, it's because I've unintentionally kept such a long record of wrongs that I ended up in the situation I'm in now.

I always say that I want to forgive but just don't know how. I always say that I'm trying to be more patient and less prone to anger, but sometimes it seems like I just can't help it. And now I know why. It's because my "love" is ultimately a mask over my selfishness. So when someone requires me to make a sacrifice, or even simply wants me to do something I don't want to do, I'm so caught up in my selfishness that I immediately defend myself with impatience, rudeness, or anger.

The answer, of course, is God. Christ's humility is the perfect example of true love. That's why love is so closely tied with being a Christian. If I have to sum up the purpose of this period of change in one phrase, it would be to learn how to love. Even though my love will never be perfect, at least I should try my best. And what I've done so far definitely isn't my best. The sacrifices I'm making now are the things that feed my selfishness, whether intentionally or not. And by giving them up and focusing on what matters most, I pray that I will continue to gain a deeper understanding of what it really means to love.

01/23: To those who care, please read:

Trust is a very fragile thing, and once broken, it is very difficult to fix. For me to give someone my trust is to give away a piece of my heart. But many times that gift is treated like trash, often by people I had most faith in. And each time my heart is shattered, it becomes harder to piece back together. When I'm generous, people take advantage of what I have to offer. When I don't complain, they assume they can keep pushing their boundaries. When I give the impression that I'm always there for people, they start using me for things they can easily do on their own. And when I let down my guard and raise my expectations by just a slight amount, I end up forced to reach the conclusion that I have no priority in the lives of those I care about. This is a selfish world indeed. And I'm definitely including myself, since a lot of my expectations from people are based on selfish motives. I love the people in my life, and I wish I can do so without expecting anything in return. But I've been hurt too many times, and the wounds cannot heal if they continue to be punctured. I may not be able to change the world to fit my ideal, but I can definitely change myself. And my problem right now is that I am too emotionally dependent on the people around me. So I've concluded that there are some ways I live my life that have to change, and some things I do that I have to give up for a period of time.

The way I feel now is the result of being hurt by many people over time, and my goal is neither to make them feel guilty nor to seek apologies, because even though they have hurt me in particular ways, I know that I have also hurt them in other ways. There are some people in my life who have had no contribution to the way I feel now, and I'm more thankful for them than I ever have been before. But I'm afraid that my brokenness leaves me with no strength to pick and choose, because my lack of trust extends to all people in general. I have never asked for much from others, but I've come to realize that deep inside I cling heavily to them for emotional contentment. The people in my life have brought me some of the greatest joys I have ever experienced, and I can never deny that I love them and that they are a great blessing in my life. But when everything crashes down on me, greater joy results in greater pain, and I can't stand this pain anymore. So I have no choice but to make a sacrifice. I apologize ahead of time to anyone who may be affected by these changes.

To be honest, I don't know exactly what will be happening or how long it will last, and I am completely trusting in God to lead the way. The changes that are taking place will affect some people, while others will not notice any difference. In fact, those who do not stumble upon these words will be left clueless, because this is a time of personal growth and does not need to be announced publicly. What's the point of drawing attention to myself when many of those who will notice are the same ones who forced me into this situation? In case anyone doesn't know, I'm not stupid and I'm not blind; even when I seem to be nice, I can easily tell when people around me are pushing their boundaries at my expense. And that isn't going to be happening anymore. The reason I often appear nice is that deep inside I cling onto people for selfish emotional satisfaction. And now that I'm letting go of that attachment, I'm neither going to take advantage of people nor allow them to take advantage of me. The changes will unfold over time, and all I can say now is that I have gone through similar times before, both voluntarily and involuntarily, and that the results will far outweigh the sacrifices.

This period of change will serve many important purposes. It will rid my life of various distractions and teach me to depend on God. It will allow the wounds in my heart to start healing so I can grow and move forward. It will teach me to seek quality over quantity and pour out my heart into things that matter most. Even though people often take advantage of me, I really cannot complain, because I am guilty of treating God the same way, often caring about only what I can gain from my relationship with Him. I know God is an advocate of healthy fellowship, but sometimes the people He placed in my life end up taking priority over Him, and I put my trust in them rather than in Him. He is perfect, and His love never fails. Only by completely trusting Him will I find true satisfaction. And that's exactly what I plan on doing now. If it weren't for God, I wouldn't be here now. And because of God, I have hope to keep moving forward. I pray that He will use this time to change me in ways that are pleasing to Him.

01/22: Friday night. It's been an unusually great week, in the sense that I've managed to get rid of a lot of distractions in my life and focus on what's more important at this point. I'll write more about the distractions in the next couple days, but what's more important to me is focusing on God and working on music. And those two often work together, because when I put my heart into music, I am using what God first gave me to glorify Him. It just so happens to be that there's been a lot of music for me to work on this week, but for leisure and for professional purposes. Just in these past few days, I've done a little hip hop, a little techno, a little pop, and a little orchestral music. It's always been a goal of mine to be flexible when it comes to adapting to different musical styles, so this week has been a great opportunity for me to practice. The biggest thing I'm working on now is Rajeev (G-VO)'s third album, which we'll be working on together. We met up on Monday to discuss the project, and we're both very excited to see how it will turn out. So far, things are looking great. It's always awesome to collaborate with musicians who share a passion for both God and music, and the more I play around with arrangement projects like these, the more I love doing them. Perhaps God is showing me what I should pursue in the long run? We'll see... For now, there are a lot of things in my life I need to deal with. My ability to be so productive this past week definitely involved some sacrifices, and productivity actually came as sort of a side effect. But whatever... the point is that I'm doing what I should be doing, so I have nothing to complain about. I remember going through a phase when I hated Friday nights because everybody was busy and I always felt lonely. I think that phase is coming back to me. But that's a good thing, because it's a part of a very large attempt I'm making to grow from a lot of the underlying issues behind the way I felt. I'll write more on that in these next couple days. For now, it's time to work on some more music!

01/19: Something random I wrote a few days ago...

This is an entry I really wish I don't have to write. This is one of those moments when I really believed that things should be better than they actually are. I've run to the ends of my current life to try and satisfy this feeling of disappointment and frustration that builds up ever so quickly inside me. And even then I find nothing and nobody. And the more I try, the more frustrated I feel. Must I resort to my childhood ways of assuming that life is best lived alone? Having experienced life as both a social outcast and a social butterfly, I know it would break my heart to reach such a conclusion. I love the people in my life, and the older I get, the more I'm starting to understand how to love them without expecting anything in return. But I can't deny that trust is a very fragile thing, and once it breaks, only time can fix it.

I've tried very hard to not let myself go overboard in being a control freak. I want to share this life with the people God placed in it, but each time I try to let go, I end up hurt. Maybe I'm just too much of a pansy and need to grow up and stop pitying myself. But I really can use a little help here, because the insanity I feel now tells me I'm far from having learned my lesson.

Am I trying too hard to please others just so I can feel pleased in return? Or am I really so amazingly nice that I'm sad at the loss of opportunities to love them? Or am I just frustrated at the feeling of having wasted a great deal of my time and effort? Knowing my personality, the third option seems the most likely. But still I believe it's a mix of all three. And that's why I feel so confused right now.

At this point, I'm pretty much just wasting time. And I've done way to much of it these days. I wish I can be the kind of person that can easily adapt to all kinds of crazy circumstances. But I'm really not. And I know I'm just wasting time because I'm not willing to accept the piles of crap often thrown at me. Am I supposed to run away to prevent getting hit again, or should I man up to it and fight it?

Don't get me wrong, there are many people in my life that I can still trust completely, and among those that I can't, chances are it's largely my own fault. For me to say that I've completely wasted my time right now would be a selfish lie, because I know deep inside that efficiency and love often cannot coexist. Today's been a great day, and this past week has been great too, but it's just that there's been so much crap thrown on me that I can't stand it anymore, and in my frustration I've lost sight of the many good things in my life. I really hate to say this, but I think I've reached a point where I need to keep a separate journal just to vent out my honest feelings, because writing them here would involve some very hard words toward many of the people I really love, and it's never my intention to gossip about them. But at this point, the last thing I want to do is depend on someone else to get through this time, because as much as I hate to admit this, I've just about lost all trust for people in general. And like I said earlier, only time can heal the wounds of broken trust.

I don't know why God is making me go through all this, but I'm sure He has a reason, and I can always trust Him, because He never fails. Someday I'll be able to look back at this entry and realize how much I've grown, and in return praise God for what He has done. But for now, I must say goodbye to many of the things in my life I hold dear. Even though I didn't chose this reality, I must learn to have courage to face it. May God's will continue to be done.

01/17: The middle of a desperately needed 3-day weekend. In the afternoon Ken, Juliann, Peter, and Jeanelle came over to hang out with Carol and I. I'm really glad they did, cuz I really didn't feel like going anywhere after church today, but still felt kinda sad about giving up an opportunity to spend time with people I care about. Yesterday's UCLA visit was quite an eye-opening experience for me. I spent a lot of time thinking about the things that have been on my mind recently, and realized that I will probably have to reconsider my current approach toward my UCLA visits. I'll save the details for another time, after I sort things out in my head first. But before I can go back to living life the way I normally do, there are some serious issues in my heart I need to deal with and get over first.

With that said, I enjoyed a nice cruise around Beverly Hills yesterday. Highlights of the spotting trip include an LP560 Spyder and a Phantom Coupe (which I missed!). But I was dumb enough to make the mistake of not checking F-Chat first, otherwise I would have definitely spent the night in LA to catch the rebirth of Supercar Sunday this morning. Highlights of THAT event include a Veyron Grand Sport, an LP670 SuperVeloce, and a Ferrari 250 TR, worth about $10 MILLION. Makes me feel like a total idiot for missing it. With a lineup like that, I would have considered even driving from home to Woodland Hills just to catch it. If only I can travel back in time to the recent past. Then again, if I can go back to the recent past, a lot of things would probably be different now. Whatever... I know God lets everything happen in my life for a reason. So I'll just have faith and keep on going.

01/14: Very strange day. Very strange week, actually. There hasn't been a single day this week when things actually went as I planned. And I can't really blame anyone for that. Unfortunately, I'm the type of guy that likes things all nicely planned out. That's just the way I grew up, and that's what I've come to accept as the right way to be. I can't help but ask myself, though, if there's some kind of underlying reason behind me becoming so excessively structured. Usually I like to blame a few specific incidents in high school that traumatized me and made me swear never to voluntarily make anyone feel the way I had to feel. But honestly, those incidents don't bother me much now; I've long learned to move on, grow from them, and accept them as experiences that God used to nurture me. Why, then, do simple unexpected circumstances in my life bother me almost to the point of death? I often think I'm surrounded by idiots, and many times I believe I'm right. But honestly, it's not like I'm not an idiot myself. Perhaps I'm good at living by many of the standards that I consider ideal. But that doesn't mean I don't hurt the people around me in other ways. Sometimes the "idiots" that hurt me are so idiotic that they don't even realize how much they've hurt me. But I'm sure I've made others feel the same way too without realizing it, so I really have no right to complain.

Still, I can't help but wonder why simple things in life can make me feel so overly disturbed. Interestingly enough, recently I had several conversations with various friends about this whole issue of expectations, disappointments, and how God fits into it all. With high expectations come a bigger chance of disappointment, but without expectations life is just too pessimstic. It simply doesn't feel right to force myself to always assume the worst in fear of being hurt at the end. But the truth is that I, as well as the people who I've talked to about these things, have been hurt way too many times to justify trusting anybody. How, then, can I maintain a positive attitude toward my life without resorting to being antisocial and egocentric?

That's where God comes in. The reason my expectations always fail me is that I put my complete trust into things that are imperfect. Nobody is perfect, so by expecting perfection from anyone, I'm bound to be disappointed sooner or later. But God, who created everyone and everything, has control over all circumstances, and He never fails. When I put my trust in Him and believe that all things will work according to His purpose, there's no reason to be disappointed.

When I understand that God is perfect, trusting Him doesn't seem all that difficult. But the real challenge is to not only trust in God Himself, but also to trust that all the people and circumstances around me are under His control. In other words, if something doesn't go my way, it only turned out that way because God allowed it to. God wants me to love the people around me rather than neglect them, but first I must leave behind all my past hurts and disappointments and put my complete trust in the One who never fails. I must find the balance between trusting God and trusting things in this world. I must live with a positive view of the people around me while always remembering that God is above us all. When things go my way, I should praise God, and when they don't, I should no less trust that His will is greater than mine.

Knowing my personality, it's going to be insanely difficult for me to lean a lesson like this. Maybe I'll need to take a break from certain activities and spend time really drilling these truths into my head so that I can treat the people and circumstances in my life from the right perspective and with the right attitude. Whatever it takes, it has to be done, because I can't go on living if my expectations continue to lead to frustration like this. I do know one thing that should go as planned though - this Saturday is my first UCLA visit of the new year, and I'm really looking forward to it. Even though it's a long weekend and many people won't be there, I realized it's a good opportunity to spend quality time with those who will. And maybe spending some time in Bel-Air and Beverly Hills will be fun too. Either way, unless some major catastrophe takes place, this trip is gonna happen.

01/10: Just came back from Disneyland! It's been years since I last went there, not because I didn't want to go, but simply because I'm not the kind of person to spend such a ridiculous amount of money on having fun for a day. But that's gonna change from now until this time next year. Thanks to a group of awesome friends from church, I now have an annual pass =). And since they all have one too, we'll probably be going very frequently. Today was my first time joining them, and it was definitely lots of fun. After church Ken, Jary, and I stayed to play Settlers... very fun game! Then when we were all ready, Joseph, Joan, and I went to Disneyland first so I could get my pass. We met up with Jay and Ken and had dinner at Rainforest Cafe, then chilled at Disneyland for the rest of the night. There weren't a lot of people, so we got on the rides very quickly. The problem with this annual pass is that with all the blackout days, it's gonna be hard to find times to go. But it seems like we're getting in the habit of going on Sundays after church. When they got me the pass, they all knew me well enough to understand that even though I won't spend so much money going to Disneyland myself, if I have a pass I'll definitely put it to good use. And with a pass, we don't have to worry about rushing to get on every ride, since everything's free (even parking! haha) so we can keep going back until we've tried everything. Soo, if anyone wants to go to Disneyland and it's not a blackout day, let me know! =)

01/03: Happy New Year! It's Sunday night (first SNU of the year!), meaning winter break is officially over. After having this much fun, it's going to be really tough adjusting back to my work schedule. This winter break has been simply phenomenal, thanks to a bunch of opportunities to spend time with my family and friends while enjoying the holiday season. And with the help of several hours of work during break, most of my spendings were covered. I learned to make the most out of the holiday season by being thankful for many little things that I often take for granted, and that only served to make everything I did during these past few weeks even more enjoyable.

Quick recap of the second half of winter break. Tuesday - got a last-minute invite from Taryn and Joan to hang out, and I just happened to be free. So we went to Brea Mall and had dinner at Red Robin, then went to get cheap ice cream at Rite Aid, then came back to my house to talk and chill. Wednesday - celebrated Sara's birthday with Kitty Emily Yune and Kathy. Most of us knew each other from college, and this was our first large group reunion since we graduated! We had dim sum at Top Island in Alhambra, then went to watch "Up in the Air". I came back for dinner with Juliann, Ken, and Peter at Coconut Bay before worship practice, then went to hang out at Ken's afterwards.

Thursday - went to Ken's house in the afternoon to hang out with him and Steph(Lin). Then went to the church prayer meeting / countdown event. It was a tough decision to spend New Year's eve at church for various reasons (most of us in the English congregation know why), but I still chose to do so, especially to be there for Marcus' ordination (congratulations!). The few of us English-speaking individuals that showed up ended up hanging out upstairs, and I spent that time worshipping God freely with fellowship and music in the sanctuary before going back downstairs for the big countdown. There was really no better way for me to end the year. Friday - Relaxed at home for the most part. Went with Ken to get free nuggets at Chick-Fil-A (another one of those little awesome promotions they did), then came back home for Mom's cell group potluck party. A lot of us "kids" actually showed up, probably because of the temptation of good food.

Saturday - good food, continued. Kitty organized a huge hangout that I was fortunate enough to be invited to. The fun began at lunchtime in Koreatown, where we enjoyed an amazing all-you-can-eat Korean BBQ at O Dae San. Met a lot of Kitty's high school friends while enjoying the amazing meat, everything from beef tongue to baby octopus to sirloin steak. And even though most of us claimed to be too full to eat anymore, somehow all of us geniuses agreed to go for some ice cream. We ended up at Fair Oaks Pharmacy (yes, that's an ice cream shop, not a drugstore. Don't worry, I didn't know that either!). I wasn't planning on ordering at first, since I already had dinner plans, but still ended up sharing a ginormous ice cream sundae with Helda and Angela. I left just in time to make it to dinner, which turned out to be Red Lobster, with Jeff(Yen) and Jessica's families. The craziest thing is that I actually took half of the food home. And anyone who ate with me before knows that I always finish what I order, even if it means stuffing myself. I guess after a day like this, it's okay to make an exception. Everyone came back to chill at our house afterwards and we continued our conversations until it was getting late.

Today - went to church early for worship. Our team practiced very hard for this set, and despite our imperfections, it's always encouraging to see everyone grow and improve musically and spiritually. And there's really no better way to wrap up such an awesome winter break than to worship God. Seriously, I always wonder to myself, if spending time with my family and friends can give me so much pleasure, then how much better it must be to spend time with the One who created us all! Had lunch at Red Ant Cafe ("New Ant"!?!?), and got to spend some time with Melody and Wen Wen, since they rarely have a chance to join us. After three cups of milk tea (gotta take advantage of those refills!), I thought I would be done with big meals for the rest of the day... then I came home and found out we're all going out to Earthen to celebrate Uncle Michael's birthday. (At least it wasn't Korean BBQ again, which we had last year when we celebrated his birthday). For once, I actually avoided the fried food and the meatier stuff and focused on soup and vegetables. As crazy as this sounds, I don't think I would mind going vegetarian for a day or two. That is, after I finish the leftover seafood from Red Lobster that's still sitting in the fridge.

I think this may have been the most fun I've had in a two-week timeframe since I graduated from college. And considering how my college years were basically the most exciting years of my life, it means (like I haven't said it enough...) that this winter break has been truly amazing. The way I feel now is far more than simply the result of a bunch of surface-level hangouts. It's joy that stems from deep inside my heart and motivates me in all that I do. It's a freedom that inspires me to do things I wouldn't normally do and believe that I can be more than what I already am. It's a contentment that makes me fall on my knees and praise God for what He has blessed me with. In keeping with what I've learned this holiday season, I want to say thanks to everyone who thought of me these past couple weeks, whether it was sending a Merry Christmas message or inviting me to hang out. Everyone wants to be loved, especially during this time of the year, and that's exactly what all of you gave me. Even though winter break is over, I think I'm ready to return to work with a fresh new attitude. This year is definitely off to a great start already!