04/30: Transformation Journal #35 - Jesus' Lottery Ticket

While I was talking with some church friends about finances, we joked about praying to God to help us win the lottery and discussed the many ways we could put that money to good use. After winning a few million bucks and losing a ridiculous percentage of it in taxes, we would still be able to donate to charity and fund church ministries and have a little leftover to buy a Ferrari or three. Or, if we wanted to plan a little farther ahead, we could invest that money wisely so that it would multiply, and then we could donate even more to those who need it and still have enough pocket change left to buy a mansion to keep those Ferraris from getting dirty. After all, Jesus even told a parable on making wise investments (Matthew 25: 14-30). There's nothing wrong with keeping just a little bit of money for personal pleasure, right? I've always assumed that it was unrealistic to pray to become a millionaire. But this time I started to think about the situation from a different perspective.

I began to wonder, "if there were a lottery during Jesus' time, would he buy a ticket?" After all, he would win for sure, since he knew the future. And he could have given all of the money to the poor to demonstrate the love he always taught his disciples to live by. It's easy to jump to the conclusion that winning the lottery wasn't a priority for him because he was too busy doing more "Godly" things. I couldn't help but believe, though, that if Jesus were fully human, then a part of him would definitely have liked the idea of winning the lottery, regardless of what he planned to do with it. Then suddenly I got a glimpse of just how difficult it was for Jesus to fight against temptation in order to follow his Father's will.

When Satan tempted Jesus, he offered him many kingdoms to rule over (Matthew 4:1-11). That's a little hard for me to grasp, since I've never realistically pictured myself as a king. But how about winning a million bucks to spend at my disposal? Now it's getting real. Jesus could have easily obtained all the money he wanted, and it wouldn't even be cheating because it's not his fault he could tell the future. He could have done miracles everywhere he went and fulfilled all the wishes of the people around him, making them happy and maybe even more receptive to what he had to teach them. And when people beat him and teased him as he hung on the cross innocently, he could have called down fire from heaven and blown them all to smithereens to show them who's boss. What a great act of revenge it would be!

But no, Jesus didn't do any of those things. He held the winning lottery ticket, but threw it away. He had what it took to become socially accepted by pleasing everyone, but he used those abilities sparingly. He was the kid who could fight better than anyone else, yet allowed others to bully him without fighting back. And it's not because he was stupid. Wealth, popularity, and pride were simply not his priority during his life on earth, because he was focused on a much greater purpose. He wasn't trying to please people, but rather please God his Father, because he knew that only by doing so can true peace be found. And every good deed he could accomplish on earth was only deemed worthwhile if it served the purpose of giving God glory.

Then I began to wonder, "what if I prayed to win the lottery after promising to give every penny of it to help the needy?" Surely Jesus would have done the same if he won, right? I thought about all the things Jesus could have done to help the poor if he had a million bucks. I then asked myself honestly, "would you pray just as earnestly that someone else can win those million dollars and give it all to charity?" The heart of the issue is much deeper than just money and good deeds. If I win the lottery, even if I spend all the money on things that are pleasing to God, in the end I'm still the one receiving recognition for all those good deeds. Very often when we donate money, we do it to get tax deductions, have our names engraved in a plaque, or simply feel good about ourselves. That's definitely not what real generosity and humility looks like. And that's exactly the reason Jesus didn't want to win the lottery.

The heart of Jesus' ministry wasn't serving the needy, healing the sick, and feeding the hungry, but rather giving glory to God through all those things. Jesus loved people in such a way that he did not want any recognition for it, because he wanted the attention to be on God, not himself. Being charitable was an act of worship to God, and Jesus knew that God would provide the means for using him to serve others as He sees fit. We all know the story of Jesus feeding five thousand men with only five loaves of bread and two fish (Matthew 14: 13-21). If his purpose were simply to feed the hungry, he could have prayed for manna to fall from the sky and saved himself some work. But instead he took the little food he had, gave thanks, and had his disciples distribute it to the people, all so that less attention would be drawn to himself. Rather than depending on his own means to serve the needy, he turned to God, giving thanks for the food and knowing that the miracle about to take place would be for the Father's glory. Why pray for a million dollars to feed the hungry with when you can worship a God who has an infinite supply of Filet-O-Fish?

It truly amazes me to think, then, that with so much power in his hands, Jesus chose to live as a homeless man. And it's not because he loved being homeless, but rather because he found so much contentment in God that he felt no need to make his earthly life any better. Jesus cared for people's earthly needs, but most of all, he wanted to reach their hearts and souls so that they would get a glimpse of God's love and receive salvation. And whenever he sensed that too much attention was drawn to him rather than to the Father, he would leave the crowd behind and remain focused on his purpose. Whether by himself, with his disciples, or among a crowd, Jesus did everything for the glory of God, and even with divine power at his disposal, he chose to gain nothing for himself, not even a little praise. Humility doesn't get more genuine than that!

To Jesus, buying a lottery ticket wouldn't be a gamble; he would already know the winning numbers, and he could choose those numbers knowing that he would win. For many people, however, the fight for success is a gamble. We apply for schools with no guarantee of admission. We make financial investments with no control over the economy. And every day, we face inevitable risks that could bring everything we've accomplished on earth to a halt with the blink of an eye. While we can do our best to increase our chances of success, there's simply no guarantee. Throughout history, people who have found their dream jobs, made millions of dollars, and earned great fame and respect have reached the conclusion that those things simply cannot fill the deepest emptiness inside them. Where, then, can we find a prize that can quench our thirst so deeply that we will no longer thirst again?

The answer is Jesus - yes, that same Jesus who gave up the chance to be the wealthiest and most famous person in the world but chose instead to be homeless and humble. As he hung on the cross, abandoned by his friends and insulted by the crowd despite being blameless, he resisted the urge to spare himself that indescribable physical and emotional pain. And he bore all that pain for us. Sure, he could have prayed for a million dollars and done much more to serve the people around him. But he gave up that opportunity, because he knew that there was a much greater prize he could offer us - one that could overshadow all the possibilities that stem from being a millionaire. And he loved people so much that he simply couldn't give them things that would distract them from obtaining the grand prize.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" (John 3:16). When Jesus gave up his life on the cross, we were all handed a winning ticket that forgives us of our wrongs and gives us personal access to God. All we have to do is accept it and believe. All the success, wealth, and fame in this world will still leave people longing for more. But the ticket that God offers can bring deep peace and joy to our hearts more than anything money can buy. And there is no greater prize than an eternity to spend in paradise! That's what being a Christian is all about, and I'm so glad to have a part in this incredible gift that God offers to everyone. With God, life is no longer a gamble, but a guaranteed victory!

04/25: Transformation Journal #34 - Reflections on a Great Adventure

It happened sooner than I had expected, this amazing adventure with a group of friends. At first, I wasn't sure if it was the right thing for me to do, since I was greatly disappointed the last time I signed myself up for something like this. During that time, a combination of selfishness, misunderstandings, and unexpected circumstances made things go very differently from what I had expected, and in my selfishness I was unable to let go of my discontent. But months have passed since then, and I have grown a lot. Today's adventure began not when I left home, but about half an hour earlier when I fell on my knees and cried out to God. And because of that, I was able to see this whole experience from a new perspective and find great joy in doing so.

It's no surprise that being in a group requires small sacrifices at the individual level. I've always lacked the wisdom to deal with disagreements that occur inevitably when I'm with other people, and that's something I have been trying hard to correct during this time of change. Looking back at the things that happened today, I realize that there were two reoccuring types of disagreements throughout the day, and that as I continue to grow, I must learn to deal with each in a way that is glorifying to God.

The first kind of disagreement occurs simply because different people have different interests, and there's nothing wrong with that. Most of these opinions are for relatively unimportant matters, but it takes great discipline for all of us to express our opinions while considering others' interests at the same time. While I may not be able to change everyone around me to achieve such a perfect dynamic level, I knew that I could do my part by staying rooted in the relational disciplines that shaped my prayers while I was still at home. I did my best to embrace the opinions of others and checked my heart to make sure I was neither holding in anger nor harvesting bitterness. To me, the purpose of this adventure was to have fun and enjoy healthy fellowship, and when I stayed focused on that purpose, my selfish opinions toward small things simply didn't matter anymore.

The second type of disagreement is the one that truly bothers me. And that's exactly what it's supposed to do. It's becoming increasingly clear to me that if I choose to live a life of discipline, then there will inevitably be times when I'm left out of the circle, even Christian circles. I don't care if people leave me clueless when talking about things I don't understand. But what really bothers me is seeing my Christian brothers and sisters make jokes about things that break God's heart. Has humor become so powerful that it grants us permission to abandon God? The least I can do is refrain from partaking in what I undoubtedly know is displeasing to God. As I observe silently, my heart bleeds with discontentment, and I confess for not having the courage to take a stand for what's right. The more I seek discipline, the more I will recognize problems as I spend time with others, and as these problems continue to stir up discontentment deep inside of me, I pray that I will move beyond merely protecting myself and become an example for others to follow.

With all that said, it may be hard to see why I found today's adventure so enjoyable. But like I wrote before, discipline does not make me a prisoner, but rather gives me freedom. And there is plenty of joy to be experienced in freedom! Even though things on the surface level were not always smooth, my heart was at peace. When things didn't go my way, my feelings were genuine and I embraced the situation rather than letting it hurt me. When I had to refrain from certain activities for the sake of discipline, my heart told me I was doing the right thing because I didn't need to make any compromises. I was fully willing to put others' desires above my own, yet I was still fully committed to following my own heart. And even though I'm nowhere near perfect, I can look back now and say that I've done my best. With that in mind I believe that God sees my heart and is rejoicing with me. I left home knowing that I was blessed, and I returned home feeling even more blessed. I couldn't help but fall on my knees again, because God has blessed me so much, and it only makes sense that I give Him credit for it rather than dwell in those blessings and forget about Him. I know that this adventure is only the beginning of greater things to come, and I praise God for what He has done in my life so far and look forward to see the changes that will continue to take place.

04/18: Transformation Journal #33 - The Next Chapter

Silently the wind blew, and it turned the page of the book I had left sitting open. A new chapter has begun, and in it are new lessons to be learned and new stories to be told. The walls of my fortress have begun to crumble. God is still with me, but now I must stand up and fight with the weapons He has given me. In the past I've fought these same battles, but lost sight of my allegiance and turned to my enemies as if they were friends. And my foolishness led to my captivity. But I give praise to God my King, because even in my captivity He did not forget me. And by His power alone I was set free. What good is it, then, if I return to the battle only to make the same mistakes again?

I must make every effort to stay focused, fighting against not only the enemies standing around me, but also the enemies inside me that cause me to be lazy and undisciplined. My greatest enemies are in my own heart, and those were the ones that caused me to stumble the first time. But today I rise again, having faith that I will see victory, because I fight for a God whose love endures forever, and in this battle love is the most powerful weapon.

In this new chapter, the rules have been rewritten so that they serve as both shields and swords. These rules are necessary, because without them I will very likely run foolishly into my own captivity again. Some lessons are learned through individual training, and others must be learned through firsthand experience in the field. God has protected me and trained me for a long time, and now I've reached a point where the training will only remain effective if combined with opportunities to apply what I've learned.

Silently the wind blew, and silently the page turned, because these things are not for my own glory, but for the glory of God, who rescued me from the discontent of my captivity and showed me that I don't have to live as a slave. He has given me freedom through love, and with that same love I am now returning to the battle. His love never fails, but endures forever, and even if this battle will last a lifetime, it is still worth it, because when God is glorified I find a satisfaction far beyond anything this world can offer. May I make every effort to remain rooted in God as I enter this new chapter, and may God's great and perfect will continue to be done.

04/16: Transformation Journal #32 - Are We Ready?

While I was tutoring one of my students recently, she commented that it would suck if the world actually ended in 2012. By then she would have just completed her junior year of high school and worked so hard... all for nothing. Her words left me with a lot to think about. Subject to the high academic standards of a typical Asian-American family, she finds it very hard to not stress more than necessary. I've been through simiiliar experiences as a high school student, and even though I was genuinely a Christian and was one of the most consistent members of my school's Christian club activities, there were clearly other things that I turned to for satisfaction. For most of us in high school, it was academics and college admissions. At home, it was pleasing our parents so they could get off our backs. In college, it was figuring out our futures and planning a path to success. And needless to say, prior to this time of change for me it was pleasing the people around me and feeling socially accepted. But how is it that we invest so much of our time, money, and effort into things that help us define success when the sad truth is that some of us may never live to see that success? Christ will be coming again, and no one but God Himself knows when it will happen (Matthew 24:36). "That's why we all need Jesus", I replied to my student with a smile, knowing that she is also a Christian and reminding her that there's much more to life than academics. Suddenly it became clear to me that there's really only one thing worth investing my entire life in that will guarantee success no matter when I leave this world. And that forces me to ask myself, "are you ready?"

Just about everyone has a list of wishes to fulfill before leaving this world. Some want to own certain types of houses and cars, while others want to travel and visit various places. Still others want to write books, direct films, compose music, and leave a legacy through their accomplishments. I once heard a friend ask if it's a sin to want to grow old and see one's grandchildren before Jesus returns. After all, family is important both in Chinese culture and in the Bible, and living to see future generations is a symbol of great accomplishment. And isn't it much better to pass down one's wealth and wisdom to future generations than to use it all up on oneself?

It's great to have goals and wishes in life, even things that are unrelated to God. We all have individual hobbies, personalities, and preferences that contribute to how we define success in this world, and there's nothing wrong with enjoying ourselves based on those things. However, as Christians we must remember that life on earth is only the first page of a story that leads to a much greater place. And no matter what we have to leave behind in this world, it's all rubbish compared to what we'll have in heaven. Many people dedicate their lives to great causes such as fighting against poverty, protecting our planet, and promoting racial equality. All of those things are definitely encouraged in the Bible. But even such great causes cannot bring us true contentment unless we are aware that that our true citizenship is in God's eternal kingdom.

The bottom line is to check our own hearts. When we stay up all night studying, are we doing it out of cultural bondage and parental demand or out of our own desire to succeed? When we do charity work, are we trying to serve others or feel better about ourselves? Remember, God is in control over all things, and any accomplishments we have in this world can be removed by Him with the blink of an eye. And even if we don't want to admit it, He already sees our hearts. That's why the idea of Christ's return often strikes fear in Christians. Do we achieve our goals and serve the world so that we can find fulfillment, or so that God can be glorified? We have to examine our inner motives, and only after doing so can we confidently ask ourselves, "are we ready?"

Being a true Christian is so much more than going to church once a week to sing praise songs. Just take one look at Jesus' life on earth, and it becomes very clear that true Christianity demands to be lived out every moment of our lives. Whether at home, at school, at work, or even at church, God is constantly aware of our hearts' desires. I often catch myself thinking it's okay to abandon God once in a while as long as I eventually turn back. Sometimes I'm simply too lazy to remain focused and disciplined, and sometimes I convince myself that because my temporary goals are not sinful, it's okay to place them above God for just a day or two. But such thinking places me in the same boat as my student. We all need Jesus, not so we can repent once and then go on living our lives without God, but so we can put our trust in something that is guaranteed to not fail. While earthly goals often require an investment that won't pay off until many years later (and even so does not guarantee success), seeking God's will means that no matter when our journey on earth ends, we can leave confidently knowing that we've accomplished the most important goal, which is to give God glory through a lifestyle of worship. And when giving God glory, we also find a deeper contentment here on earth, because God created people in His own image (Genesis 1:27).

Of course, it's much easier said than done. I realized that the easiest way for me to focus on the big picture is to think about my future home - heaven. We don't know what heaven looks like, and that's how it should be, because if the human mind can fully grasp the idea of heaven, then what makes it any greater than the many mysteries of our own planet? Sometimes the idea of angels singing "Hallelujah" to God unceasingly can even strike us as boring, the same way we would feel if we sang the same song at church for hours without stopping. But that only serves to show how great God is - when dwelling in the light of His perfect glory, unceasing worship is simply a natural response! After all, there's no such thing as boredom in heaven. And neither will there be the feelings of need and want that prompt us to work so hard on earth, because all of the underlying needs behind our earthly desires will be completely fulfilled in heaven. It is a place of complete contentment and joy, and we will get to live there forever! With such an idea in mind, what is there in this world that is not worth giving up?

When we trust God for contentment, it changes the way we strive for success in this world. No longer is it a burden, but rather it is a means of doing our best to make the most of this life He gave us. We'll spend eternity in heaven, but our time on earth is our only chance to worship God in a way that involves deliberately rejecting our sinful human nature and choosing to trust Him despite all the temptations around us. When we place God above ourselves, it makes us humble and allows us to submit to His will, which is always far greater than our own. And when Jesus returns, whenever it may be, we can be confident and ready, knowing we're about to enter a place that's in every way better than what we can see now!

04/14: Transformation Journal #31 - A Holy Discontent

Almost three months have passed since this time of change began, and as I continue to grow I must constantly remind myself of my original goals for letting this happen in the first place. I wanted to rid my life of various distractions so I could focus on what's most important. I wanted to let the wounds from the past heal over time so I could move on from them. And of course, I wanted to seek God and learn to put my complete trust in Him. But seeking God's will involves so much more than just my social life, and that's why my Transformation Journals often include things that relate more to God than to myself. But in the midst of balancing the countless thoughts and ideas that fly across my mind, it's very easy to lose sight of the big picture. And now that I'm (probably) at the brink of moving on to the next chapter, I can't help but ask myself some questions that place this time of change in context with the things that preceded it and the things that will come after this chapter. Why did God bring me into this time of change in the first place, as opposed to teaching me the same lessons through other methods? What do the issues that made me decide to start fasting have to do with God's intentions for this time? And how will those things play a role in my life as I begin to apply the things I've learned?

I recently listened to an excerpt from a recorded sermon by renowned author and minister Bill Hybels, in which I found the answers I had been looking for. Hybels refers to it as a "Holy Discontent". God allows people to become greatly discontent with injustice, then uses that frustration to fuel righteous action for His glory. When Moses killed the Egyptian who was beating a Hebrew (Exodus 2), God saw his love for his own people and frustration with the oppression they faced. And God turned that love and frustration into fuel for Moses to carry out His will of leading the Israelites out of slavery. The Bible is filled with examples of such Holy Discontent, and today God continues to use people's experiences with frustration to raise them up to change the world.

What I find most amazing about this is that while God definitely does not tolerate sin, He is able to turn "wrong" situations around completely and use it for His glory. Moses' killing of the Egyptian was an outburst of anger which led to murder, and he even proceeded to hide the dead body so no one would know of his guilt. Yet even in all that, God had a bigger picture in mind. When Moses chose to obey God, his past actions and emotions contributed significantly to the way God used him. I can never forget a time in college when I met a group of former prostitutes and porn stars who not only came to Christ and repented, but were also called to return to the places they came from to share the good news. Having experienced firsthand the pain of the never-ending quest for contentment as slaves to money and sex, they would pay to spend an hour in a hotel room with a prostitute, then spend that hour telling the story of how God transformed them. How many Christians can share the gospel in such a way and connect with a prostitute's genuine feelings, not to mention avoid falling into temptation? Those girls not only abandoned their former lives of sin, but also allowed God to use the frustrations of their past to glorify Him in a way that very few others can.

I believe that this time of change in my life is nothing short of God's response to a Holy Discontent that resulted from the many feelings accumulated inside me over the years. All my friends from college can testify that I did my best to live by my beliefs that good relationships require effort and that making life exciting requires first overcoming my own laziness and tendency to settle for second best. I learned those lessons through opening my eyes to see the things that so many people around me were unknowingly enslaved to and feeling a need to respond properly to my frustration toward them. Yet even as I tried to live by example, in the end the one thing I was unable to overcome was my dependence on my social life for security. And that brought about a whole new wave of dissatisfaction. I was discontent at having my own feelings oppressed by the need for social acceptance. I was discontent at letting others constantly take advantage of me and being too scared to do anything about it. I was discontent at letting my heart turn increasingly harder over time as I struggled to forgive those who wronged me. Those feelings of dissatisfaction came from God, because even though I had found enough pleasure to sustain myself despite frustrations, something deep inside told me things simply weren't as good as they should be. And as I found myself deeply trapped in a sea of discontent toward my social life, God called me and said, "it's time to change". And that's exactly what happened.

Most of the frustrations that triggered this time of change were rooted in my own problems, and I believe that as I continue to grow and understand more of God's heart, He will continue to lead me into situations that prompt change, whether it's through my personal struggles or through frustration over injustice around me. But even now as I look back at those feelings, I see them as not only my own problems, but the very same problems that countless others around me struggle with. In my discontent, I was definitely not blameless, because I had turned my heart away from God and given my trust to imperfect things. But because of Christ, I'm not only forgiven, but can also grow from the past and live by example so others can witness the freedom in God's complete contentment. And that's what this time of change is all about. God saw the discontent stirring up inside me, used it to fuel a desire to change, and will use that change to bless others in unique ways.

I recently had the opportunity to witness the baptism of a boy diagnosed with cancer that doctors have already deemed uncureable. I've never met him before, but as I watched him being pushed helplessly in a wheelchair to the front of the church, my heart broke for all the suffering taking place. I thought about the emotions he is going through, and the pain surrounding his family as a result of his illness, and suddenly I wished I could run up to the front and perform a miracle of healing to end all the pain. The boy couldn't have made a better decision that day, because even as every human path fails around him, God can still open new doors. And God is now his only hope. As I fought hard to control my own emotions, suddenly I realized that what I was seeing was only a small glimpse of God's heart breaking for the injustice in this world and the millions of people who don't realize just how desperately they need Him. For a moment, all the problems in my own life seemed to disappear. I realized that surely the discontent that triggered this time of change is only the beginning of much greater things, because my discontent is so small compared the God's Holy Discontent that prompted Him to send Jesus to die for our freedom. And I pray that as I continue to seek God's heart, the eyes of my own heart will be opened to see the greater needs around me and prompt me to respond accordingly.

04/11: Transformation Journal #30 - An Unexpected Plot Twist

I woke up this morning excited, because I knew it was a special day. The changes taking place in my life were finally about to reach the surface. Even though I had a bunch of disciplines to remember and meditate on, I knew that there would always be at least some degree of joy in good fellowship - and it's especially true with fellowship among believers, because even when we're down, we can remind one another of God's unfailing love. With those things in mind, I went to church expecting to worship God in new ways.

This is, as hard as it is to believe, my 30th Transformation Journal, and not that I should over-romanticize numbers, but it simply felt good realizing that the entry in which I write about such a special moment in this time of change would land on a nice even number. Yet those were all just my own plans and expectations. And this period of change has reminded me time after time that those things aren't always the most important.

As I worshipped God while playing piano, I looked at the congregation singing songs of praise. Suddenly a strange feeling hit me - Things weren't going to turn out the way I expected, and I was very sure about that. While many different factors had pointed to this day being the one in which I would begin to break some of my disciplinary fasts, it suddenly became clear that those factors had many limitations I was apparently blinded from beforehand. And it turned out that those limitations did in fact prevent things from going as I had planned.

I wouldn't exactly say that I'm too disappointed about this, because my feelings toward this day consisted of excitement, fear, and just about everything in the middle, and I really wasn't sure how to feel emotionally to begin with. But that's a good thing, because in my confusion I had an open heart to seek God's will, and the one thing I knew I was going to do for sure was actively apply the things I've learned to the situations God placed me in. And that's exactly what I did. Looking back at what happened, I find it truly amazing the way God orchestrated everything. Today I had the chance to enjoy some amazing fellowship, and I had the chance to practice my disciplines in many ways, even more ways than on a usual Sunday. But in all that, I was not granted the expected opportunities to break any of the fasts. And I believe that God wanted to see in me (and remind me to maintain) a genuine desire to make this time of change worthwhile, regardless of the circumstances ahead of me. Like I wrote in the previous entry (which was written before God prevented me from breaking the fasts), the purpose of these fasts was discipline, and in ending them I should be more eager to apply the things I've learned as an act of worship to God than to party and celebrate the freedom to enjoy myself.

The beauty of seeking God's will is that even though I'm the one actively living my life, in the end God's the one in charge. And He sees the big picture and knows what's best. My decision to end some of my fasts today was the result of many prayers, and since God intercepted those plans, I should rejoice nonetheless because surely He has a bigger picture in mind. What happened today serves to remind me that I don't need to wait until the fasts are over to practice my disciplines, but rather I should practice them as much as possible even while still fasting. And as for the inevitable bit of disappointment I feel, it only serves to feed the flames of urgency and make me even more eager to keep moving forward. And perhaps those are the very thing God desires to accomplish in me before allowing me to move on to the next chapter. Only He knows what's best, and I will trust Him to continue leading and teaching me according to His will.

04/11: Transformation Journal #29 - A Silent Farewell

Jesus was born in a humble manger, and died a far more humbling death. Most people did not understand him, but that didn't hinder him as he continued to love them. Rooted in the purpose of giving his Father glory, he spoke and made decisions based on that purpose, even when he felt uncomfortable doing so. Not once did he brag pridefully about his divine identity. He even refrained from performing miracles at times so that he wouldn't place himself in the spotlight. He was born silently, and he died silently. When he spoke, he spoke with great wisdom. But even as the crowds hurled insults at him while he hung on the cross, he remained silent.

Silence has always played a key part in this time of change. I resisted the urge to make a big deal of what I'm going through, and only the few who searched deep enough know anything about it, because not once did I allow myself to speak of it. To the world, I was simply too busy to do a lot of the things I used to occupy my time doing. But in silence I found strength in the Lord through humility, strength that filled the innermost emptiness of my heart. And that strength has enabled me to remain silent, because I care more about finding contentment through understanding God than through making the world understand me.

When I first realized that this time of change will not have a definitive end, it bothered me, because there have been times when I looked forward to a celebration. Jesus did not end his earthly life by proving all the unbelievers wrong, but rather he remained faithful to his mission until the very end. And in his silence, his life became an example for all to follow. The end of one phase is only the beginning of another, and just as Jesus saw the end of his earthly life as the beginning of his return to his Father, I should view the ends my various disciplinary fasts as the beginnings of greater things to come. Silently I entered this time of change, and silently I grew in it. Silently I must also move on from it.

To be honest, I have become so used to living the way I am now that a part of me really wouldn't mind staying like this a little longer. But when was this time of change ever about me being in control? It would be better for me to be bound to these fasts forever than to return to my old ways unchanged. But God has taught me many valuable lessons during this time, and those lessons are meaningless if I have no opportunities to put them to practice. Now God is prompting me to correct the way I think. I must be eager to move forward, not to indulge in freedom from my fasts, but to run through the newly opened doors and glorify God through continued obedience by practicing what I've learned.

So this is the beginning of my silent farewell to some of the disciplinary fasts that have taught me to rely fully on God in these past few months. Such fasts may continue to come and go in the future as necessary so I can remember to keep God above the many things He blesses me with. But the important thing is that the lifestyle of discipline I've learned to embrace will continue to define the way I live my life, and such a lifestyle demands that I go out and practice it.

This time of change is definitely not over yet. In fact, if it is really a new revolution, then this must only be the beginning. And at this point, changes are taking place and will continue to take place at such a rapid pace that I simply cannot say it's over. Even though a new chapter has begun, I must continue to remain focused and do so in silence, letting the outcomes of the disciplines speak for themselves. There will still be many disciplinary rules that prevent me from having complete liberty, because a careless transition can easily catch me off guard; I have grown much, but I am still weak, and I must continue to protect myself so that my weaknesses do not cause me to lose focus. In this new chapter of the period of change, the rules will allow me to glorify God not only through remaining rooted in Him, but also through applying His teachings to the way I live and interact with people. And that is the sole reason I must return to the world that I had abandoned. From the very beginning, this time of change was for God's glory. And it was by God's grace, love, and wisdom that I've made it this far. May God's will continue to be done!

04/10: Transformation Journal #28 - Relational Disciplines (A Response to "Trust and Discipline")

Ever since I wrote the "Trust and Discipline" entry (3/20), I have felt burdened to further apply the idea of discipline to the various relationships God has blessed me with. God not only writes each of our individual life stories, but allows our stories to cross paths, forming various relationships, and the Bible is filled with examples and commands on how to glorify Him through being with others. Like I wrote previously, a disciplined relationship leads to trust, and trust is a crucial part of all successful relationships. It is my goal to actively train myself while spending time with others so that our relationships can be healthy. So I've compiled the following list of disciplines for myself to practice, based on Scripture and on various things I've learned so far in this time of change. This list is by no means complete, and in the future it will be modified and expanded as needed. But for now I know it's a good start. All these disciplines are for God's glory, and I pray that I can have wisdom to apply them accordingly to the various communities God places me in.

Before focusing on people, focus on God.

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself" (Matthew 22:37-39). God loves fellowship, but it must not become an idol. Before spending time with people, spend time with God. "Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me" (John 15:4). Take whatever time is necessary to root yourself in the Truth so that you can glorify God through the time you spend with others.

Be quick to listen and slow to speak.

"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak" (James 1:19). When listening to others, listen from your heart and make an effort to remember what they say. Don't worry about coming up with the perfect response. Resist the urge to rush to speak your opinions. Before speaking, consider if you do so with a genuine intent to love others rather than to draw attention to yourself.

Do not get angry out of selfishness.

"Everyone should be ... slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires" (James 1:19-20). Be mad at the things worth being mad at, but consider the greater causes of maintaining healthy fellowship and giving God glory, and let those things take priority over selfishness. "In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold" (Ephesians 4:26-27).

Do not harvest bitterness toward others.

"He who conceals his hatred has lying lips, and whoever spreads slander is a fool" (Proverbs 10:18). When someone bothers you or hurts you, don't pretend things are okay if you're not willing to accept it in your heart. Either avoid the situation wisely, forgive genuinely, or confront it honestly. But don't let bitterness build up in your heart, because it will eventually hurt both yourself and others, and it is definitely not pleasing to God. "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (Ephesians 4:32).

Before speaking, consider if your words can hurt others.

"A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret" (Proverbs 11:13). When talking about someone else, ask yourself if you would say the same thing in front of them. Gossip destroys trust, and even if it's funny, it's not worth sacrificing trust for. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen" (Ephesians 4:29).

Admit your faults and apologize genuinely.

"Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective" (James 5:16). Apologize for your mistakes and mean it from your heart. A genuine "sorry" is not a casual word so others can forget your mistakes, but a commitment to make an effort to not make the same mistake again. You won't be perfect, but still you must do your best. Whether it's for a small mistake or a great sin, a sincere apology keeps others from harvesting bitterness against you and makes you right with God, because "if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness" (1 John 1:9).

Correct others' flaws in humility and do not judge.

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you" (Matthew 7:1-2). Remember who you are under God who is the only perfect judge. Remove the plank in your own eye (Matthew 7:3-5) first, and do so with the intents of being right with God and loving others. When pointing out others' flaws, remove any selfish motives first, and do so with the knowledge that "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23).

Respond to favors with a positive attitude.

"Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me" (Matthew 25:40). When asked to do a favor, do it from your heart, with an attitude of serving rather than complaining. Don't serve expecting of a reward; even if people don't realize what it costs you, know that God sees everything. Be wise in distinguishing between people's needs and their selfish desires. It's okay to say no, but don't say you'll do something unless you'll actually do it; whether it's a big favor or a seemingly unimportant task, remembering your own words will increase the trust people have for you. Serve others as you would serve God.

Think before asking others for favors or doing anything at their expenses.

"So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you" (Matthew 7:12). Before asking others for favors, consider your own motives. Be fully willing to do the same things you ask others to do for you. Taking advantage of others results in a weakening of trust, and while trust is easy to break, it is extremely difficult to rebuild.

Walk with others through their struggles.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn" (Romans 12:15). Treat others' struggles as your own and bring them before God. Don't just pray for them and forget about them, but rather follow up with them, so they can see your genuine concern and you can rejoice together as God reveals His will in those struggles. "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2).

Be sensitive and responsive to the needs of others around you.

"Do everything you can to help Zenas the lawyer and Apollos on their way and see that they have everything they need. Our people must learn to devote themselves to doing what is good, in order that they may provide for daily necessities and not live unproductive lives" (Titus 3:13-14). Pay attention to the needs of those around you. God created everyone with weaknesses so they can be humble and strengths so they can bless others. Even though you can't fulfill everyone's needs, you must make an effort to do what you can, and in doing so encourage others to do the same. To see a need and ignore it out of selfishness is a sin of disobedience to God.

Remember the purposes behind your God-given relationships.

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another" (Proverbs 27:17). God sees healthy fellowship as not only beneficial, but crucial. Always remember the purposes behind relationships, and do whatever it takes to achieve them. Make every effort to remain focused and disciplined so that, whether telling jokes or speaking seriously, whether working or playing, whether rejoicing or mourning, the way you engage in each relationship will give glory to the God who created mankind in His own image. Jesus commands you to love others as he first loved you (John 15:12)!

04/09: Transformation Journal #27 - Friday Nights

Throughout the years, I have associated Friday nights with a variety of emotions and moods. When I went to college and came home on weekends, Friday nights were opportunities to reflect on the things that happened during the week. When I worked nine-to-five jobs, Friday nights gave me a sense of freedom and relaxation. I enjoyed being at home with my family, and I also enjoyed going out and having fun with friends. It was really a love-hate relationship; sometimes I felt extremely blessed to have a comfortable home to return to after a busy week, but other times I simply felt discontent sitting at home doing nothing. A few years ago, I actually went through a phase during which I despised Friday nights. It seemed like everybody would either be at some type of church activity (my small group met on Saturdays) or out doing crazy things I'd rather not participate in. On one hand, I didn't feel like being productive after a busy week. But at the same time, I wanted something fun to do and could not find anyone to enjoy the time with. I did my best to make plans to go out just so I could avoid being alone during that time of the week, but those attempts usually failed. So each time Friday night came around, I was left feeling lonely and discontent. Those feelings were never cured directly, and over time I simply learned to forget about them.

It's Friday night again, and while I was on my knees talking to God about this time of change, I was suddenly reminded of those past emotions I once assiciated with this time of the week. I realized that when used to feel lonely on Friday nights, it brought out a big problem inside of me - I was being way too dependent on others to feel secure about myself, rather than securing my identity in Christ. It's not that people didn't care about me; they simply had other things to do, and I had very unrealistic expectations that they would want to hang out with me whenever I wanted them to. It wasn't their fault I ended up depressed; I was trying to find contentment in the wrong places. And looking back now, I'm glad God didn't grant me my wish of letting every Friday night be filled with opportunities to have fun. Because if He did, I may have continued going down the wrong path, never stopping to realize that He's the one that can truly satisfy me.

As I've mentioned many times, this time of change involves a big shift in priorities. Because my job now involves working almost every night during the week, I treasure the chance to be at home and relax on Friday nights. And I often see these times as great opportunities to spend quality, uninterrupted time with God. Aside from studying the Bible and listening to music, I also spend these times journaling. And it was on Friday nights that many of the ideas behind these Transformation Journals were born. It often amazed me when I looked at the clock and realized several hours had passed since I started writing. Considering how easily I get distracted while at home, it's truly a blessing to be able to stay focused for so long. There was one Friday night when I journaled on my knees as an act of worship and insisted on remaining in that posture until I was done writing. As I wrote, God took me on an incredible journey that filled my heart with a passionate desire to be closer to Him. During such times, I am reminded of just how real God is; He doesn't just come alive when a pastor preaches an eloquent sermon or when a beautiful worship song is played, but He meets with His people when they call on Him and speaks to them individually.

By reminding me of the way I once saw Friday nights and contrasting it with the way I see it now, God encouraged me by showing me that I've come a long way since then. I realized that throughout the years, what Friday nights have always symbolized to me is actually worship. Whenever this time of the week comes around, I feel an urge to turn my heart to something that can fill me. I once turned to my social life as an idol, and worshiping it only left me more discontent. But now that I'm turning to God for satisfaction, I'm always left more blessed than I expect to be. God is the answer to the questions my heart has been asking desperately for years, and I praise Him for revealing the Truth to me and letting me be blessed by it.

04/05: Golden Triangle 42

I've been joking a lot with fellow car spotters lately about how bad my luck has been these days - that is, until Friday's epic Lambo encounter. But even before that encounter, I've been ending my complaints with a little glimmer of hope - an opportunity to spend almost four hours in Beverly Hills on a Saturday afternoon. The trip was planned a couple weeks ago, and as it came closer the weather report only made me look forward to it more - mostly sunny, but still no more than 70 degrees... the perfect conditions for shooting. Then came word that several others from CP - Ben, Chris, Drake, and Kieran - were also going to be there on the same day. It's always fun spotting in groups. First of all, I can scream out loud when I see something nice without feeling like the only idiot. And of course, more eyes and ears are always helpful, and in the end everyone benefits. On Saturday, that long-awaited day finally came. At around 12:30, the adventure began, lasting almost four hours. And it was definitely well worth it.

Let's start with the basics. In Beverly Hills, Bentley Continentals are like rabbits - they're literally everywhere! And since it's Easter weekend, all the bunnies came out to play. We basically ignored them, though I shot at least one of every variant except the SuperSports, plus Mansory versions of the GT and GTC. Then there was the usual assortment of Phantoms (three parked together outside Bijan), Maseratis, Ferraris, and Lambos (two LP640's and a Murcie Roadster), plus much much more. All together, I shot about 200 photos, plus a bunch of videos. That's over $10 million worth of exotic cars, including nine cars I've never shot before. Of course, it would take a lifetime to list everything here, so I'll focus on just the most significant catches.

04/04: Transformation Journal #26 - Easter Sunday

In the midst of greeting fellow Christians with the ever-so-familiar phrase "He is Risen!", followed by "He is Risen Indeed!", I couldn't help but ask myself if those words were merely a fun saying, or if we could actually say them with the awareness of the powerful message behind them. On the first Easter morning, a group of women went to visit the tomb where Jesus' body was, only to find the stone rolled away and the body missing. Having already grieved over the brutal death of someone they loved, the women must have been very distressed upon arriving at the empty tomb. They had seen him die, and they knew without doubt that he was dead. It was then that angels came and greeted them. "Why do you look for the living among the dead?" the angels said, "He is not here; he has risen!" (Luke 24:1-6).

Those words blew them away. Suddenly, so much of what Jesus had taught during his time on earth began to make sense. How can any man die and rise again? Surely he was really the Son of God! Imagine the fear that would have been felt by those who crucified him had they seen that he has defeated the power of death! And imagine the joy felt by the women and the disciples when they realized that their Lord is alive!

It is impossible to be a true Christian without understanding the power of the Easter story. Had Jesus not risen from the dead, we too would be dead in our sins. The gospel would have lost its power, and those who followed Jesus would have lost their hope. But because God, in His perfect love and justice, did not want the people He created in His image to suffer the eternal consequences of sin, someone had to pay the price. And that's why Jesus came. And after he lived a perfect life, determined to give God glory all the way to his final breath while hanging on the cross, God's work of redemption was completed through the Resurrection.

I wonder what kind of thoughts went through the minds of those who crucified Jesus after he died. Perhaps some of them wondered silently if Jesus really was the Son of God. Even the centurion, upon seeing what happened, concluded that Jesus was a righteous man (Luke 23:47). I believe that even those who were among the crowd that shouted "Crucify him!" had a chance of being saved if they chose to repent. After all, even one of the criminals hanging on the cross next to Jesus was affirmed by Jesus that he would go to heaven (Luke 23:40-43). It seems almost unjust to me that the very people who put Jesus on the cross could be saved. But the truth is that I myself have sinned so many times, and those sins are so disgusting in God's sight that I have also contributed to nailing Jesus to that cross. It is for our sins that Christ suffered and died. And because He overcame sin and death, we too can live in freedom.

With that in mind, I find it difficult to proclaim "He is Risen!" without feeling the urge to worship God. Each time I think of those words genuinely, it's as if I've been set free all over again. Because Jesus rose from the dead, we no longer have to live as slaves to sin, and we no longer have to live in fear of condemnation. Jesus is alive, and so are we! On earth we now have hope in a perfect love that never fails. And one day we too will enjoy eternity in heaven, dwelling in God's glory and singing praises to Him forever. It doesn't get any better than that. He is Risen indeed!

04/03: Transformation Journal #25 - Back to the Beginning with a New Mindset

I've been here before. I've been here many times. Here I felt content and secure. Here I found power that I couldn't find anywhere else. And for years I had lived by that power, as if I could rule the whole world with it. This was once the center of a great kingdom that I had invested much time and effort in. But in the end it let me down, and I decided to leave it all behind in search of a better place. I knew that I would return again someday, but it would only be through a power greater than my own.

By that new and greater power I have learned to live a new life, one in which I am no longer the king, but I am also fully content. And it was by that power that I was called to return here. The call came in the form of a year-old promise I was determined to keep. And that's why I'm here now, in the place that symbolizes what I have forced myself to temporarily give up. The last time I sat in this same seat was when I made the difficult decision to abandon this kingdom in search of something better. Almost nobody here knows that I have returned. And that's exactly the way it should be, because that time has not yet come. The reasons I'm here now are not the same ones that had once brought me back time after time.

Most of this place still feels very familiar to me, but this time I'm here with a very different mindset. In fact, I've even set many disciplinary rules for myself on this trip to make sure I don't fall into the temptation of letting my heart return to the idols of the past. I came to fulfill the promise, and enjoyed every moment spent doing so. But as for the rest of my time here, I dedicate it completely to the One who I can put my full trust in. I'm no longer the king, and I no longer want to be, because my power is limited, and only God Himself can rule in a way that will bring complete peace to my heart.

I believe it is no coincidence that this journey falls on a weekend characterized by remembering what Jesus did on the cross for me. And to be honest, I think the fact that I'm sitting at this very spot where I was prompted to begin this time of change would make a beautiful opportunity to declare that it's finally over. But I know that I can't, because I'm simply not ready yet. Sitting here reminds me of a lot of the emotions involved in kicking off this time of change. I was deeply hurt, a little angry, and I felt like I could not trust anyone. Now that God has already done so much to transform my life, I must honestly ask myself some questions. "Have I completely forgiven those who have wronged me in the past?" "Even though trust will take time to rebuild, can I treat those who have hurt me in a loving way and without any bitterness?" And most of all, "am I putting my complete trust in God and turning to Him for true, unfailing contentment?"

At this moment, I think I can answer yes to all those questions. But I know that my heart is often unstable, and a lot of my actions will probably prove those answers wrong. That's why I can't allow myself to do the things I once did yet. In order to truly declare freedom from the past, I must reflect on that freedom day and night until it becomes natural for me to live accordingly. In order to declare my complete trust in God, I must live a life that demonstrates that trust, especially in times when I don't feel like doing so. Of course, I can't expect myself to be perfect; at some point I will probably make the same mistakes again. But that's exactly why I need God's forgiveness. And while I'm aware of my imperfections, I must still make an effort to do my best and not be weighed down by guilt when I mess up. Because of the Cross, I have power to get back up on my feet and continue living for God's glory.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that this time of change may not really have an end after all. The lessons I've learned are lessons I must continue to learn for years to come, and the very idea of putting a definitive end to this period of transformation implies that I haven't fully understood what's going on. As for when I will allow myself to end the various disciplinary fasts taking place now, only time can tell. But I believe that if I continue to push on dilligently, that time will not be far away.

Looking back at the last time I sat here, I see just how far I've come and praise God for it. He wiped away my tears, gave me a reason to live, and today He continues to work in my life in amazing ways. Eleven weeks have passed already, and during this time I have learned countless lessons that impact not just my social life, but pretty much every aspect of my life. When God is in the center, everything else starts to make sense. God loves me, and tomorrow morning when I go to church to attend the Easter Sunday service, I will once again be reminded of exactly what He did to show that love. It is by that love that I am free. It is by that love that I can leave behind the hurts of yesterday and move forward. And it is by that love that I can see every aspect of my life with a new mindset. May God's will continue to be done in my life!

04/02: Transformation Journal #24 - Remembering the Cross

It's Good Friday, and I actually feel a little strange sitting at home at night. In some past years, I've attended special events both at my church and at other churches that friends invited me to. In other years, nothing special happened and it felt like any ordinary day. This year, however, something inside me makes me feel really discontent about not doing anything special on this important day. I almost wanted to go explore random churches around the area in hope of catching a Good Friday service I could attend. It's a little late for that now. But I've concluded that the way I respond to Good Friday really boils down to my own attitude. If I really want to remember this special day, then even here in my room I should turn away from all the distractions and get on my knees and think about what Jesus Christ did to save me.

It really breaks my heart to see how so many churches nowadays are putting less emphasis on major Christian holidays such as Easter and Christmas. I guess most Christians think they know the stories so well that it's pointless to go through the cycle year after year. Sometimes planning events based on fixed calendar dates can seem like a burden, especially in today's time when even the very idea that "Christ is the reason for the season" seems too played out to really have any meaning left. In our free-thinking and forward-moving world, it's not surprising that we seem more concerned about teaching Christ's love for us on a day-to-day basis than keeping century-old traditions. Not that there's anything wrong with the things being taught nowadays, but we need to know that there's a reason some Christian traditions have been kept for so many centuries, and that is that those traditions symbolize and remind us of the very fundamentals of our faith.

Throughout the years, the many Good Friday events I've attended consisted of a variety of activities - music, communion, reenactments of the Crucifixion, and even symbolic purification of sins by listing them on paper and nailing them to a wooden cross. All of our words, songs, and actions have no meaning in themselves, but when they are used for the purpose of giving God glory, God breathes life into them and uses them to touch our hearts. I remember an occasion when a preacher asked the congregation to fall on our knees and close our eyes. With music playing in the background, he had us think of our sins and realize how dirty they are under God's light. Then he asked us to imagine that we were kneeling before Christ hanging on the cross. We held out our hands as if we were holding our sins and threw them down on the floor as a declaration of freedom in Christ. At that moment I burst into tears, and I could not stop for a very long time. Those tears came from neither the power of the worship team playing in the background nor the eloquence of the preacher's words, but rather from God Himself as I opened my heart to experience the freedom He was offering me. The cross is a gruesome picture, but through it I discovered exactly why I wanted to be a Christian. Even though Jesus' death took place a couple thousand years ago, as I wept at the thought of it I wished I could stay on my knees right where I was and cry those tears forever.

That's the power of the cross. It doesn't matter if we attend a church event or not, but as Christians we must not forget this very special occasion. Sure, Good Friday is just a tradition, and many argue that the day of the Crucifixion wasn't even a Friday. But that doesn't mean we can just dismiss it as an ordinary day. On the cross Jesus completed his sinless life as a human, suffering a punishment fit only for the worst of criminals. At the time, even his own disciples - his closest friends - abandoned him. He hung on the cross naked and ashamed, with thorns in his head and nails through his body. As if that wasn't enough, people hurled insults at him while watching him die. And the craziest thing is that he did absolutely nothing wrong to deserve even a fraction of what he had to go through. But God allowed all that to happen to His own son for one reason - because of us. If we really understand the power of the cross, then we should eagerly seek every opportunity to commemorate such a life-changing event.

It's strange how Christians seem perfectly fine with celebrating Easter after ignoring Good Friday. Perhaps we don't want to bother with planning two big church events on the same weekend. And, frankly, we simply don't like to think about suffering. But the truth is that we aren't the ones suffering, because Christ already suffered so we could be set free. Any sufferings we face now "are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us" (Romans 8:18). And how can we as Christians claim to love God when we fail to reflect on the pain Jesus had to suffer so God could demonstrate just how much He loves us? The cross is so much more than a bumper sticker or a piece of jewelry; it represents our innocent Savior facing capital punishment so we sinful humans can be saved. It is the very foundation of our faith, and only after thinking about it does the Resurrection really make sense.

On my knees before God, I let images of the cross play in my mind and sink into my heart. I see myself filled with sin and undeserving of even a little piece of all that Christ has done for me. Sometimes I live selfishly as if I'm God and spend all my energy complaining when things don't go the way I want them to. Sometimes I return to the same sins time after time, often forcefully pushing God aside thinking it's okay to be disobedient once in a while. And I do all this while fully aware of what Christ had to suffer for me! It's simply wrong to leave the message of the cross as merely head knowledge. It is an experience that touches and changes me every time I allow it to, and that's exactly why it's so important to remember and respond to Good Friday.

But while Good Friday is often associated with mourning, we as Christians should be all the more thankful, because the story doesn't end here. Christ died not so we can mourn, but so that God can be glorified even more through the Resurrection. And in that glory we rejoice, because in the same way we are "buried with him through baptism into death, ... just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life" (Romans 6:4). And that life will lead to an eternal one - one completely free of all the problems in this world and surrounded by nothing but God's perfect glory. Just think about the angels in heaven singing "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come" (Revelation 4:8) forever and ever. How can anyone sing the same words over and over again and not get bored? That's exactly how great our God is - His glory is so great that in heaven we will never want to stop praising Him. And because He sent His son Jesus to die on the cross for our sins, we too will have the privilege of spending eternity in heaven with Him. There's really nothing worth celebrating more than that!

04/02: An Epically Awesome Day

The title says it all. I only had to work for an hour and a half today, and the family decided to buy me boba, which, of course, always makes my day. I decided to skip my very short dinner break between teaching and discipleship group (for reasons I'll explain in a second), and after I came home guess what I find on the table... pineapple cake from 85°C!! Perfect little treat to complement my simple microwaved dinner. And that's not even the best part.

As you can tell, I love food. I don't skip my dinner break unless there's a very good reason. And today just happened to be one of those days when I found a great reason. While driving to work in the afternoon, I encountered an automotive phenomenon I call a "bag of Skittles". All of us car spotters know that there are certain colors that demand our attention - Arancio Atlas, Giallo Orion, Rosso Andromeda, just to name a few. (No, I don't speak Italian. But these color names sound way cooler in Italian). Today I encountered all three of those, plus more. What's the only major exotic car company that frequently makes cars in pretty much every color of the rainbow? You guys can answer that yourself. And if Lamborghinis turn you on, then you should be very jealous of me, because today I definitely hit the bull's eye.

04/01: Transformation Journal #23 - A New Attitude Toward Prayer

I remember something I learned not too long ago from watching the movie Evan Almighty. Even though the movie is meant to be more humorous than educational, I definitely gained some insight from it. During a conversation in a restaurant scene, "God" explains that some of the things people pray for cannot be directly given to them, but must be learned by experience. So when we pray for certain character traits, it shouldn't be surprising that God deliberately puts us in situations that allow us to practice and demonstrate those traits.

Not long ago I was on my knees confessing my flawed attitude toward some things that made me extremely frustrated, asking God to help me remain faithful and obedient to Him. Then I realized those were some of the very things I've been praying for ever since the beginning of this time of change. Having spent much time in these past couple months learning to focus on who God is rather than what He can give me, my prayers now have become more of an acknowledgment of His divinity and a declaration of trust in Him than a wish list of things I want from Him. And I believe that is the attitude God desires from Christians as we communicate with Him through prayer.

But while I pray and believe that God will answer, I often forget that I can't just sit back and wait for Him to work His magic in my life. Just because my prayers are focused more on His will than on my own, it doesn't mean I will wake up one morning and suddenly turn into some kind of Superchristian. When I pray to be a more faithful Christian, I shouldn't expect to be miraculously transformed overnight, because faithfulness doesn't mean anything when there aren't any circumstances for me to be faithful in. Praying to become more obedient to God doesn't mean anything unless I have chances to intentionally choose to be obedient.

"Remember when you prayed to be more faithful? Here's your chance to be exactly what you prayed to be". That's what God was speaking to me earlier today when I was faced with frustrating situations. Yet at that moment I not only ignored those words, but became unhappy at God for making my life so difficult. It makes no sense that I would pray for something from God, then reject it when He actually gives it to me. No wonder Christians are always accused of being hypocrites. We claim to follow God, yet we play by our own rules. We fall on our knees and show God how much we love Him, then get up and continue our lives as if He never existed. God is God, no matter what circumstances I face. In fact, because faithfulness and obedience to God should be a priority in the prayers of Christians, the very knowledge that He puts us in circumstances to learn those things proves that He does indeed answer prayers.

The same concept applies to the way I pray about my relationship with other people. One thing I pray for ever night before going to sleep is to humbly love and serve my family members - something I feel is especially important because they are the people I interact with most frequently. But that prayer can only be answered if I actually make an effort to help with things around the house without waiting to be asked to do so. Sometimes I pray to be more merciful to those who are less fortunate, and sometimes I pray to learn to forgive those who wrong me. Other times I pray to be a better leader, a better friend, or a better family member. God has heard all those prayers, and now it's my choice whether or not to pay attention to Him when He answers.

Love means nothing when there is no one to love. The main focus of this time of change is to love, but at the same time I've distanced myself from many of the people I need to love. Of course, that's because the past hurts that have accumulated inside me need time to heal. But those hurts will never heal unless I continue to give my complete trust to God and not depend on things in this world for contentment and security. And that's why there is an urgency to make the most out of this time of solitude so I can return to the people God placed in my life and love them as He calls me to.

When I pray, I must not only expect my prayer to be answered, but also trust God to answer it in whatever way pleases Him, knowing that even if the answer isn't what I expect, in the long run I will look back and realize He had a bigger and better picture in mind. God's will is always greater than my own. His wisdom always overshadows mine. And His love will never fail. What excuse do I have to cling on to the little problems in my life and not trust Him? When I ask people for a favor, I don't sit back and feel content just because I assume they heard me. Whether they accept or decline the favor is up to them, but either way, they'll say something back to me. When I ask a question, it's right to expect an answer. God is real, and if there's any power in prayer at all, it's because He is a God who listens to us and communicates with us. I've said the same prayers countless times, and it's time to start expecting the answers.

03/31: Transformation Journal #22 - A New Revolution

When it comes to my social life, these past 24 and a half years of my life have truly been an incredible journey. I have experienced both social rejection and popularity, both desiring to be alone and loving to be with people. When I place this current time of change in context with that journey, it becomes clear that there's a whole lot more to it than just the events that led up to it. And suddenly things start to make a lot more sense.

As a child, I was a loner who enjoyed solitude and saw no need for friends. In fact, my genius child-brain actually concluded that life would be better lived alone, since it could be all about me and I didn't have to worry about anyone else's opinions. It wasn't until my last year or so of elementary school that I began to realize life was getting a little lonely without friends. But because I had very unique hobbies and never followed fads, it was difficult for me to really get along with anybody at school. Junior high was a desperate struggle for attention, and it didn't take long for my "friends" to figure out that I was sitting with them during lunch simply because I didn't want to eat alone. By high school, I had no confidence left to believe that I deserved to be friends with anyone. I knew my life needed to change, but I couldn't make it happen on my own. For years, I would fall on my knees every night and cry out to God for help, knowing only He could change me and grant me the social life I needed.

Change finally happened during the summer before my Junior year in high school. In a period of time that I often refer to as the "social revolution", my entire life was turned around. God had answered my deepest prayers, and it felt like my life couldn't possibly get any better. I met a few friends whose persistence and kindness helped me to rediscover the confidence in me that had been long overshadowed by fear. Having prayed for them so many years, I treated every friendship as an answered prayer and was always eager to make more friends. With the freshly rediscovered confidence boiling up ever so fervently inside of me, it took just a few months for me to transform from a social outcast to a social butterfly.

College was the perfect opportunity for me to leave behind the people who knew me by my past oddities and start over new. I made every effort to meet friends, stay in touch with them, and spend as much time with them as possible. I felt so much contentment in being with people that I was certain it was the best way to spend my life. I decided to spend all four years of college living in the dorms so I could take advantage of its flourishing social life, and as I gained experience through meeting different people every year, I eventually established myself as a well-known and influential member of each floor I lived on.

Of course, I have to be honest and say that my social life was by no means perfect. The more people I met, the more I began to realize that some people are harder to get along with than others. And by spending countless hours with people living in the dorms, I eventually realized that it would be impossible to please everyone. Everyone has a unique personality, and the only way to please everyone would be to surrender one's own personality and become a slave to the expectations of others. Still I persisted in letting my social life thrive, swallowing the things that made me angry and pretending not to care about anything that made my social life appear flawed. I always had enough good excuses to convince myself that by ignoring my own concerns I was actually being humble and loving others as God wanted me to. But as time passed, the frustrations building up inside me started to surface. On one hand, my pretentious kindness to others made it easy for them to take advantage of me. On the other, because my kindness wasn't genuine, it made me even more prone to anger. In the end, I was hurting both myself and those close to me.

That's why I decided to enter into this time of change. I realized that I was not only failing to love others genuinely like I thought I was, but also using my "friends" as a source of security. Ultimately, I made friends because it satisfied my selfish desires. And that's why I got ticked off so easily every time something didn't go my way. I once prayed for social acceptance, and when God decided to give it to me after years of praying, I treated my friends like they were angels sent from heaven. But over time, I became so caught up in enjoying the gifts that I forgot about the giver. God became secondary to my friends, and to cover my mistake I came up with every excuse possible to convince myself I was right. In the end, my social life became my master, dictating my emotions while often clashing with my own desires. I was so sick of being trapped in my own discontentment and hurting others while doing so that I knew things had to change right away. So I abandoned my life the way it was and fell on my knees asking God to change me.

I've gone through countless disciplinary fasts and "times of change" before, both voluntary and involuntary, and each has yielded incredible results that couldn't have been obtained otherwise. But something about this current time of change really stands out to me. It started not through unpredictable circumstances, but rather through years of discontent boiling up inside of me prompting a need for change. And the changes taking place, like those during the original "social revolution", call for a complete shift of my priorities.

As a child, I found satisfaction in myself. When I was blessed with the ability to make friends, I discovered a joy greater than what I had known before and started to find satisfaction in my social life. When that eventually failed me, I began to wonder if I should return to my childhood ways of thinking that life would be better lived alone. But I realized that both roads would eventually lead to disaster, because neither I nor people around me are without flaws. That's why I've turned to a new path, finding satisfaction in God, who created all of the things I once found contentment in. I have known God since childhood, but ever since the "social revolution" I have never really allowed Him to take control of my social life until this current time of change. And when I learned to throw off the things weighing me down and put my trust in God, things finally began to change for good.

This is indeed a new revolution. Just like the first, it made me completely change my life's focus. And just like the first, it will have an effect on my social life for years to come. In both of the past two periods of time in my life, I found both benefits and consequences. There's nothing wrong with doing things that make me happy, and there's definitely nothing wrong with loving other people. But unless I place God above those things, in the end I will be disappointed, because only God is forever unchanging and unfailing. And through God I can see both myself and others from a new perspective, one that will benefit all of us. This time of change is not a standalone story of my life, but rather the beginning of a whole new chapter - one in which God is the highest priority in my life and everything else makes sense because of it. Just like in the first revolution, I have now found a deep contentment that overshadows all the joys I have experienced in the past. And that new contentment has become the new focus of my life.

03/29: Transformation Journal #21 - A Sense of Urgency

It's always a strange feeling to leave home for a few days and suddenly return again. While living my everyday life, it's easy to get so caught up in the small things that I forget to see the big picture. But the magic of "retreats" like the Texas tour is that it makes me see my own life at home from an outsider's point of view. And doing so opens my eyes to a much bigger picture.

As I sat on the airplane returning home, I thought a lot about the time of change I'm going through. After three days in Dallas, I had almost forgotten about it. Even though I was technically about to return to my "normal" life at home, the truth is that even that life is far from what I would consider "normal", thanks to all the disciplines, fasts, and transformations that have characterized my life for the past several months. It was then that I started to ask myself seriously, "when is this time of change going to end?"

Like I mentioned in previous entries, that decision is in God's hands, not mine. But there's something inside me that seems to be reminding me more and more frequently that I simply can't go on living like this forever. Yes, things are changing, and I'm growing in ways I never thought were possible. In fact, I admit I've gotten so used to living like this that sometimes I'm starting to forget that there's anything beyond it. But something's definitely missing, and that emptiness cannot be filled if I continue to live like this. I'm willing to stand my ground as long as necessary to learn my lessons well in a way that's glorifying to God. But even so, I must be honest and ask myself, "am I content with things the way they are now, or do I wish to return to my normal life and apply the things I learned?"

I remember thinking to myself around the end of February that this time of change would probably end soon, because it would be simply insane to keep it up for another month. A month has passed since then, and here I am, still dwelling in this period of transformation, not knowing when it will end. I do believe that the end may not be too far away, but I know that I can't rush God's work in my life. Still, I can definitely do my part by making every effort to learn my lessons so the transformation process can take place smoothly. Like I said before, this time of change affects not only myself, but also others in my life, and if my goal is to love others more genuinely, then it only makes sense that I should be eager to return to them. In the same way I once felt that it would be wrong of me to continue living my life without addressing its many reoccuring problems, I now feel that it would be wrong of me to remain in this time of change and not make an effort to let it be as effective as possible.

With those things in mind, there is clearly a growing sense of urgency. There is so much to learn in so little time. Each time I sit down and reflect on the things I'm learning, I come up with more things to write in these journals. And they are adding up faster than ever before. I don't know when this time of change will end, but I do know that I won't let it happen until I have written down all of the things I learned and know exactly how I plan on applying them. And that means there's a lot more thinking and writing I have to do. With such a strong sense of urgency, I know that I must not let myself rest each night until I've done my best. And in the end, every bit of effort put into maximizing this time of change will be worthwhile.

03/28: Transformation Journal #20 - Retreat to Texas

The routine of traveling and performing with ClayMusic is really nothing new to me. But rather than thinking of this tour in Dallas as a standalone story, I can't help but connect it with everything that's been going on in my life that led up to it. Sure, most of this trip was quite predictable - arriving at the churches, meeting the leaders, setting up, soundchecking, performing, returning to our hotel to sleep, and so on. And God definitely did use us in the ways we expected Him to - to minister to people both Christian and non-Christian through our music and testimonies. But for me personally, this trip was far more than that.

Being on this trip required me to break a lot of my "fasts" for the first time in months, and I willingly did so not only because it helps the overall effectiveness of our teamwork, but also because I know that many of the things I have already learned during this time of change are useless unless I have a chance to practice them. And there's really no better way to do so than on a trip with a purpose of giving God glory.

Less of me and more of God. That sums up just about everything I've been learning in these past couple months. And both of those things point to loving others, through loving them as myself and through seeing them through God's eyes. While I'm nowhere near perfect, I did my best to make an effort to help wherever help could be used, without expecting anything in return. And it was much easier when I kept in mind that we were all working as one body for one purpose. Honestly, this trip went extremely smoothly, and there's very little I can actually complain about. When things didn't go my way, I did my best to let it go and let God take control rather than drive everyone crazy with my complaints. And at the end every concert still left me satisfied. If I can feel content doing what I am most possionate about while giving God glory, what more can I possibly ask for?

To me, this tour was like a mini retreat. At least that's the way I treated it. And thinking back now, it was exactly what I needed after so many weeks of being confined to my little world. I treated this trip the way I normally treat retreats - cell phone off, away from distractions, focused purely on my surroundings at the time. Even though Texas really isn't that different from California (at least compared the past two tours I went on, which were to China and Taiwan), it was different enough for me to feel like I was away from home and in a new environment. And I managed to let myself fully enjoy that environment, through engaging with my surroundings and through fellowship with the people around me.

Speaking of fellowship, I must say that I'm so thankful to get to spend these past few days with so many amazing people. Whether on stage or off stage, in the hotel or at a restaurant, it was wonderful being surrounded by others who also love music and love God. I haven't felt like this in a long time, probably because I hadn't done a lot of the things I did on this trip in a long time. The funny thing is that many of these people were people that I have traveled and performed with many times before. But things simply didn't feel the same this time, because the things I've been learning are definitely paying off. This "retreat" not only gave me a break away from my normal life at home, but also gave me a chance to apply many of the things I learned.

There were many times when my mind wandered away from God, and there were many times when I acted selfishly. For all those times, I fall on my knees and repent. It's so much more than just saying sorry and forgetting about it. Instead, it's a decision to surrender once again to God. Just because I am too tired to force myself to focus on God, it doesn't mean I can sin. In fact, as I wrote in the previous Transformation Journal, it is during times of trial that God really wants me to worship Him through sacrifice and obedience. With that in mind, I have no excuse.

With all that said, I praise God for an incredible three days in Texas. May He continue to use the churches there to nurture the people that He used our team to bless, and may He continue to use us, both as a team and as individuals, to continue to bless others and give Him glory wherever we go.

03/28: Texas Journals

Friday, March 26: 1st day in Texas. The plane ride was tiring, but thanks to an hour-long break to rest at the hotel, I'm very excited for our first concert. It's been so long since I've traveled within America that after getting off the plane, it's a little strange realizing that people here also speak English. And so far I haven't seen a single other Chinese person other than the ones here at the church. Being here getting ready for a concert definitely brings to mind lots of past experiences - experiences of both success and failure, great music and even greater worship. Compared to the last couple tours I participated in (both in Asia), things here are quite luxurious. I pray that I may enjoy them with a thankful heart and use them to give God glory. I pray that people will come tonight in need of the message God will use us to bring to them. And I pray that we too may come to know God and know each other more deeply through our concert and through our time together here in Texas.

Sunday, March 28: End of the Texas trip already. As expected, there wasn't much time to sit down and write, and the time I had at night was better spent sleeping. We had plenty of time to get caught up on sleep, thanks to having no plans on Saturday morning. And today's morning concert didn't require us to wake up insanely early either. Of course, some coffee before each concert would have helped a lot. But I really can't complain, especially considering I'm holding a Java Chip Frappucino now as I write. We're at the airport now, about to board anytime. It's been an amazing few days, making music, giving glory to God, enjoying being in Texas, and fellowshipping with the rest of the team. I got to play and talk with some amazing people on our team, both people I've known before and people I met for the first time. All three of our concerts turned out very well - the churches did a great job promoting, so a good number of people came. Several people gave their lives to Christ, and many more were blessed by our music and testimonies.

Sunday, March 28: On the plane waiting patiently to arrive back in LA. Here are a few random things I learned from this trip-
There are actually Asians in Texas.
A mansion in Dallas costs about the same as some apartments in LA.
Ants like to eat foot-long Subs.
Never underestimate the power of duct tape.
Asians in Dallas tend to disappear during the day and appear only at organized events (like our concerts).
Microwave a cold croissant for a whole minute, and you will be greeted by a bunch of smoke and a burnt breakfast.
BMW's and Mercedes-Benzes are a rare sight. Some people actually see luxury cars as a luxury.
My "Sleep Number" varies every night, and sometimes getting the perfect feel requires rolling from one side of the bed to the other.
Tommy Emannuel is a friggin' monster.
Nobody really says "y'all". At least nobody said it to me...
Coffee is truly life-changing.
People who work at airports can actually be friendly.
That's all. Time to take a nap!

03/25: Thursday night. Almost everything is already packed for the Dallas trip, and I'm going to try sleeping very early to make up for having to wake up at 4:30 tomorrow morning. Not that I'll get much sleep anyway... oh well, that's what the coffee is for.

For those who care, we will be doing three concerts in the Dallas area - Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday morning. It's been about a year since I last played on a tour (last year's Taiwan trip), so I'm definitely excited about it, even though it's just a few days. After Sunday's rehearsal, we all seem quite confident, so as long as we have time to soundcheck and practice a little before each event, we should be fine.

Please pray for our team during this time, because we need to always remember that we're performing for God's glory, not our own. It's really about being used by God and giving Him glory more than anything else. Pray for the safety of our travels, as well as our physical and spiritual health. Pray also for the three churches we will be performing at, that they will effectively invite people to come to the events so that God can use us to speak to them. May God's will be done in our lives, both individually and as a team, during this trip.

03/22: Transformation Journal #19 - Thoughts on Worship

Playing piano during Sunday service is nothing new to me. But yesterday's service was a very different experience. As we rehearsed our music, one member of the worship team felt so sick that he could barely practice with us, and ended up going home to rest. Another did his best despite being exhausted, but decided to step down just minutes before service began because he was far too tired to be on stage. Several others were also heavily affected by sickness and various other problems. I felt fine myself, but it broke my heart to see so much suffering around me, and for a moment I wondered if we would actually be able to proceed with leading worship.

We took a break from practicing and gathered in a circle to pray. Prayer always does amazing things, not because the words we say have any healing magic in them, but because it makes us humble ourselves and remember who we're worshipping. The worship team doesn't belong to the lead singer, the pastor, or the church, but rather to God. The way we interact with one another, practice to improve our skills, and perform on stage during Sunday service all serve a single purpose, and that is to give God glory. With that in mind, and knowing that God has the power to heal whoever He wants, I couldn't help but realize that there was much more to our prayers than just asking for healing. If we prayed sincerely with the purpose of giving God glory, and in the end people are still sick and unable to join us on stage, then so be it, because God is in absolute control. It would be wrong for us to think that we couldn't worship God as genuinely because we had less people on stage, or that our worship wouldn't be as great because we weren't feeling well. God chooses who to use for what purposes, and while we do our best to encourage and bless those around us who are down, we must remember that it's God who we're ultimately worshipping.

As I prayed, I thought about Jesus' final moments before being arrested for crucifixion. "My father," he prayed, "if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will" (Matthew 26:39). Despite not wanting to suffer, Jesus placed God's will above his own, and in his prayer he did not sin. Even though things were rough for him, his purpose was to give God glory. And that's also the purpose of our worship team. So if Jesus, even as he hung on the cross, was able to worship God from the bottom of his heart, then who were we to feel that we couldn't worship? Whether sick or healthy, onstage or offstage, at home or at church, if our team is united by a love for God and a love for one another, then God is glorified. In fact, the fact that we were suffering could actually enhance the worship we give God.

It's always a good feeling to receive gifts. But hits me much more deeply when someone buys me something despite struggling financially, or when someone makes me something despite being busy. When difficult situations come, we should use them as an opportunity to make our gifts of worship to God even greater, because it's not a real sacrifice unless it costs us something. Jesus didn't want to be crucified, but as he suffered he had a choice of whether to keep worshipping God or to turn away. And his choice to worship nonetheless set an example for all Christians to follow. Because our worship team was suffering, we were in a position to show God just how much we love Him by offering a very difficult sacrifice through our persistence.

Even though I have had many opportunities to stand on stage during Sunday service, there were very few times when I felt so ready and eager to worship God. Our team definitely wasn't in a happy mood, and if we had a choice, many of us would probably have preferred to let another worship team take our spot for the week. But that only gave us more reasons to stand on stage and lead the congregation in proclaiming God's greatness. And the more I worshipped, the more blessed I felt to be there.

After coming home and thinking about what happened, I realized that I have much to learn from this experience. I've always believed that worship is a lifestyle, yet I often convince myself that it's okay to forget about God once in a while, specifically during times when I'm not comfortable and happy. The truth is that during those times when I'm not comfortable and happy, I need to remember that those are the times in which I need to worship God the most, because those are the times when my character is put to the test, and I can use them as opportunities to express a most genuine and sincere love for God.

03/21: Random Sunday night entry. It kinda feels like the "SNU"s I used to write, but now that the most important things happening in my life are written in the Transformation Journal entries, this is more of a random entry just because I feel like it. Or probably cuz I'm so tired and don't feel like doing anything else.

It's funny how sometimes my mood is actually determined by how many exotic cars I see. I guess it's cuz this is the time of the year when things are supposed to start warming up, plus with the launch of Exotic Affinity I've been pushing more than ever before to collect quality footage. Now that daylight savings is supposed to make shooting easier, I figure since I spend half my driving time going to places and the other half going home from those places, and that the times I drive at are different every day, it only makes sense that about half the exotics I see would be on my way home, meaning I would have all the time in the world to stop and enjoy them. But no, a good 80-90 percent of what I saw this week was during times that I couldn't stop to catch them. To make things worse, I spent a good five hours or so these past few days on what I thought were well-planned hunting trips that were sure to be successful based on statistics I've collected. But no, the outcomes couldn't have been bigger Epic Fails.

I had a several-hour-long break between church and rehearsal this afternoon, and because I figured that even if I went home I would just be lounging around doing nothing, I decided to go hunting. All the most popular places, at one of the most popular times of the week. And what do I catch? An old-generation S-Class with a Lorinser kit. Nothing else... which is absolutely ridiculous considering that based on the time, day of the week, and the route I chose, the probability of seeing no exotics is actually far less than the chance of seeing a Ferrari or two. Oh well, I guess probability and statistics aren't always accurate. Maybe I should tell that to all my Algebra II students who absolutely love learning about probability.

Frustrated and tired, I returned to church in time for rehearsal. For those who haven't heard, I'm going to Texas on Friday. Yep, ClayMusic is doing a weekend mini-tour in Dallas. If I remember correctly, this is my first tour since Taiwan last year, so it's been quite a while. I definitely miss the whole traveling-and-performing experience, so even though it's just gonna be one weekend, I'm still very excited. I'll write more about the trip later in the week. For now, it's time to get some sleep and prepare for a busy week of work.

03/20: Tranformation Journal #18 - Trust and Discipline

It's very rare that you find the words "trust" and "discipline" in the same sentence. In fact, many people today treat the two things with very different attitudes. In college I witnessed an incredible amount of trust. People in the dorms often leave their doors unlocked even when nobody is in the room. When I'm standing outside the gate of an apartment complex I don't live in, strangers who live inside often let me in without questioning why I was there. Even after countless instances of robberies that resulted from such actions, people continue to give others the benefit of the doubt. When it comes to discipline, however, many of those same people who trust others so easily are seriously lacking. As a college student it didn't take long for me to notice that most of the people around me seize every opportunity to get drunk, prefer to sleep during hours more suitable for other time zones, and have trouble studying without being distracted. People often see trust as a freedom and discipline as a chore. I was one of those people who almost always trusted others, except I trusted people so much that I ended up hurting myself. And that's one of the main reasons I decided to enter this time of transformation. Interestingly enough, just about everything I'm trying to accomplish during this time requires some form of discipline. And through it I've come to realize that while discipline and trust may often seem worlds apart, sometimes they actually go hand in hand.

Like I said when I first decided to enter into this time of change, trust is a very fragile thing, and once broken, it is very difficult to fix. Of course, there must always be forgiveness, because nobody is perfect and we all hurt others sometimes. But just because I forgive someone, it doesn't mean I can suddenly trust them again. I remember an incident when I let a friend choose a birthday gift from me. To my great surprise, he found complete liberty in my offer and asked for something so expensive that I almost cried when making the purchase. In another incident, a friend who lived far away asked me to visit her knowing that I had to reschedule work to do so, but ended up calling me just before I left home to tell me she had other plans (that really weren't too important). These were great learning experiences for me, but even though I have forgiven these friends, it's unlikely that I'll extend so much kindness to them again anytime soon. When people break my trust, it's only natural that I distance and protect myself from them to avoid making the same mistake again.

I know that I am nowhere near perfect and really don't deserve the kind of trust that many people give me. I've failed to do things I say I will do, and I've said things to others that I shouldn't have said. One area I feel like I've broken others' trust in the most is how I behave irrationally when I get angry while driving, even when others are in the car. Because of that, some people have told me they don't feel comfortable being in my car. And I'm very thankful that they were honest with me, because their honesty reminds me of my need for discipline. Anger and bitterness can be cured by forgiveness, but trust can only be healed with time and discipline.

The amount of discipline people have often dictates how much I trust them. People nowadays often think of discipline as a bunch of rules that limit the things we can do. Sometimes we even think of discipline as a form of punishment. But while the idea of discipline often brings to mind images of meditating monks, in reality it is something that must be applied to just about all aspects of our daily lives. Discipline is important for getting good grades in school or being successful in a job. Discipline is necessary when fighting temptations and controlling anger. And of course, discipline is a crucial part of all relationships. Why would I tell others about my struggles when I know they might joke about it when talking to others? Why would I tell them about personal things when I know they can't keep secrets? Why would I offer generosity to someone who will take advantage of me? What's the point of making plans with someone who has a record of canceling plans on me for stupid reasons? While we don't intentionally try to break trust, what we often don't realize is that through small actions and words we are sometimes unintentionally telling others that we can't be trusted.

The lack of discipline and trust is especially problematic in Christian circles, because it stands directly against the kind of community we often claim to strive for. Fellowship is definitely a good thing, but only when done in a way that gives God glory. And if Christian friends lack so much discipline that others cannot trust them, then it's definitely a serious problem. If we don't try to earn others' trust, how can we expect to show others that we worship a trustworthy God? Since trust is so fragile, it is crucial that we don't take it for granted. And while we have all inevitably hurt others before, we must strive to protect the trust that others give us. It's not something that can be accomplished through head knowledge alone. I know I shouldn't drive dangerously while others are in the car with me, but I still find it difficult to control myself. Some people know that smoking is bad for themselves and people around them, yet they do it anyway. Others say and do small things that they know can hurt others, yet they figure it's okay just because it's funny. The solution to these problems isn't a one time change, but rather a lifestyle of discipline. Friendship is so much more than just going with the flow and having a good time. Maintaining healthy fellowship requires constant effort, keeping ourselves in check to make sure we're not causing any unintentional damage to anyone.

When it comes to trust and discipline, it's simply impossible to love one and hate the other, because discipline is a prerequisite of genuine trust. The truth is that a well-disciplined relationship actually offers much more freedom than an undisciplined relationship. I only feel compelled to share my deepest feelings with the people that I know will actually listen to me without rushing to voice their own opinions. I'm only comfortable enjoying alcohol with certain people because I know they have the discipline to not go overboard. I will only share valuable possessions with people that will respect them and treat them well. When I'm with people I can't trust, I often find myself playing defense to prevent being hurt or being used. But when I'm with people who have a mutual trust with me, we can enjoy the fellowship in genuine freedom, knowing that we are disciplined enough to not abuse it. And it is only through such genuine freedom that genuine friendships thrive.

As I've written in previous entries, a healthy relationship with God also requires discipline. That's why this whole idea of discipline leading to more freedom sounds a lot like what Paul wrote in his New Testament letters about freedom in Christ. Didn't Jesus live a life that was highly disciplined? While he spent a lot of time with people, he made sure he spent time alone with God so he could remain rooted in his purpose. How else could he have handled all the junk thrown at him without sinning? To Jesus, discipline was a lifestyle, and that's why it is evident in every situation he faced. Discipline is not something we should see as an enemy, but rather something we should embrace knowing that it is crucial to our relationships with God and with the people we care about.

I sometimes catch myself thinking that I'm better than most people around me when it comes to discipline, just because I'm able to control myself well in some areas where most others can't. That mentality itself is a lack of discipline, because the truth is that we all have strengths and weaknesses involving discipline, and humility itself is one of the greatest disciplines. Disciplines that are easy for me may be difficult for others, while disciplines that are easy for others may be hard for me. The more I understand how much it hurts when people break my trust, the more strongly I feel that I cannot let myself become ignorant of the fact that I sometimes make others feel the same way.

It makes no sense for me to write something like this without committing to taking action. I must examine my words to make sure they are not hurting others. I must think before talking about others and ask myself if I would say the same thing when they're next to me. I must check my heart to make sure I'm not abusing the trust people give me. And I must keep my eyes opened to see their needs and treat them as my own needs. These are only a few of the countless disciplines involved in a healthy, trusting relationship, and because this time of change is largely geared toward the way I treat others, I must make a constant effort to practice these disciplines. Some disciplines may start to seem natural after a few weeks of practicing, while others may take a lifetime to master. But if the goal is to give God glory and improve the quality of relationships with those He placed in our lives, then even the most difficult discipline should be worth it.

03/18: Transformation Journal #17 - Saying "No"

Recently I've had many opportunities to say "no" for reasons none other than that this time of change prohibits me from choosing otherwise. But every "no" I say is a great struggle deep inside, because I know that even though the things I say "no" to are not inherently bad, I have to turn against them simply because I'm forcing myself to. It has been a great learning opportunity for me, since I have to set my boundaries without compromise while being sure that I'm not doing so simply out of legalism. I know that I can definitely be overly legalistic at times, but the purpose of this discipline is to learn to love, and perfect love and legalism cannot coexist.

Each time I say "no", it humbles me, because I am reminded that I'm living for so much more than just myself. And through disciplining myself I've come to understand a lot more about how to pursue a right relationship with God. Sure, the things I want to do are not technically sinful, but the bottom line has always been that I choose to do things simply because I want to. And I assumed that just because I'm not doing something evil, I'm making God happy. The truth is that God wants so much more of me. He wants me to listen to Him and to trust Him. He wants me to love Him. And it's really not love if I'm always playing by my own rules.

In the Old Testament laws, there were many types of offerings to God. While some were mandatory offerings as atonement for various types of sins, others were fully voluntary and used for worship and thanksgiving (Leviticus 1-7). That same concept still applies today; while we sometimes give to God because we feel like we've wronged Him through our sins, worship extends much farther. It's not just paying back what is owed, but rather giving more than necessary. That's what real giving is all about. King David understood that idea very well ("I will not sacrifice to the Lord my God burnt offerings that cost me nothing" (2 Samuel 2:24), and so did the woman who poured expensive perfume on Jesus' head while others thought it was a waste (Matthew 26:6-13). King David was acknowledged by God as a man after His own heart. As for the woman, Jesus told everyone present that "wherever the gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her" (Matthew 26:13). I can only imagine having a heart that pleases God enough to earn such great recognition. But it has to start somewhere. And even though I originally decided to ban myself from doing certain things because I wanted to protect myself from being hurt by people, I've come to realize that it has actually brought me closer to God. I'm not saying that I'm closer to God when I'm away from people; God loves fellowship, and my goal is to learn to treat people in a way that gives Him glory. But because the things I gave up include many things that are precious to me, I've come to a deeper understanding of the meaning of sacrifice as a gift to God.

These past couple months have passed by ridiculously fast, and I believe that the opportunities I have to say "no" will only increase in the near future. It still breaks my heart each time I do so, but I know that at this point I must focus on things more important than temporary pleasure. Prior to this time of change, I was never good at saying "no"; I was the kind of guy that accepted just about every opportunity to have fun, thinking that as long as I was enjoying myself and not sinning, I was doing the right thing. But in reality, I was merely accepting my position as a slave to my excessive dependency on other people for fulfillment and my fear of straying from having fun, which is ultimately rooted in selfishness. And that selfishness is exactly what I need to fight against. Someday I will reach a point where my growing process requires me to return to my normal life, and when I reach that point I will do so gladly, taking the many things I've learned and applying them to my daily life. But until then, I must remain fully submissive to the discipline I'm going through. Saying "no" is just the beginning; I would hate to have to live like this forever, but I know that it would be just as wrong of me to return to my normal life as if nothing has changed. Merely wanting change is not enough, and that's why I'm demanding it through my actions. And because the end goal is to grow and give God glory, these actions are acts of worship through obedience and sacrifice. They are voluntary offerings, and I give them wholeheartedly.

03/14: Transformation Journal #16 - Doing My Homework

While I was talking with a friend recently, he compared the day-to-day problems I face in life to homework assignments from God. I've been thinking about that analogy almost nonstop, and the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. I can still clearly remember the way I treated homework assignments in high school. Just about everyone who's been through high school knows that doing homework often requires some degree of BS, and for me, it was often entirely BS. Homework was a chore - something to get over with as quickly as possible, even at the expense of quality. And when the homework assignment was simply to "study", it usually meant no homework at all. All I cared about was getting that "A" at the end.

But in college, things began to change. Because I got to choose my classes, I figured it only made sense to put some effort into actually learning from them. Most of the professors I had did in college did not take attendance, and to many students that meant that going to class was optional. In fact, sometimes even homework assignments were optional. But when students see that freedom as a license to party endlessly, in the end they learn the hard way. While I admit I've had a few illegitimate professors, the truth is that most of my professors actually cared about my learning. That's why they give students their contact information and hold office hours regularly. But even so, they often don't make lectures mandatory, simply because college students aren't five-year-olds anymore. The professors give students the choice of whether or not to come to class and whether or not to take advantage of the resources they offer. But one thing every student must do is show up to class on test day, and on that day it becomes clear who did and did not do their homework.

Like a good professor, God wants to see His people learn and grow. He doesn't just sit in heaven and lecture to us, but allows us seek Him whenever we need help. Fellowship, scripture, and prayer are just a few of the ways He extends His care for us, but it's our choice whether or not to take advantage of them. And the little homework assignments He gives us on a daily basis are not forced upon us - that is, if we're okay with flunking. God doesn't force us to study, but He does give us exams. Sometimes those exams are announced well ahead of time, while other times He throws pop quizzes that catch us off guard. It is through those exams that we really get a glimpse of the kind of Christians we've prepared ourselves to be.

With that in mind, I have to ask myself whether or not I've been doing all my homework lately. And I admit that while I technically complete most of my assignments, I often treat my homework like I did in high school, completing them out of obligation without any desire to actually learn anything. My day-to-day life, which consists of driving to and from work, spending time with my family, talking to my friends, working on music, and many other things, is full of little homework assignments. But while I often convince myself that it's okay to BS my way through all the little things in life, on test day I'm not allowed to pull anything out of my rear end, because God looks straight at my heart. And that's why I've failed so many of the exams He gave me. Being a real Christian consists of so much more than what last-minute cramming can do. It all boils down to the little details in life, the way I treat people and spend my free time casually. And those are the very places in my life where I need to apply more of what God's been teaching me.

Fortunately, God grades on a curve, because He knows that none of us are perfect. But even so, it doesn't guarantee that we will all pass our exams. God provides us the necessary resources, and it's up to us to read our texts, ask Him questions, and form study groups outside of class that will help us do better. If I want to see this time of change come to fruition, then I have to show effort - effort that extends to every little aspect of my life. Whether it's fighting personal struggles, checking my heart's motives, spending time with God, or being kind to the people around me, it is an opportunity to take another step forward and come closer to victory. The more I think about it, the more I realize that my current daily schedule allows me to have a healthy balance of just about everything I consider important. Yet while many people wish they can have such a balance, I often take this blessing for granted, waking up in the morning unsure of what I'm living for when in reality each day is full of opportunities to grow in wisdom from God. My prayer now is that I can rise each morning knowing that the day's purpose is to give God glory and to keep that purpose in mind throughout the day, regardless of what I'm doing. Then, when test day comes, I can come to God with confidence, knowing that I've done all my homework.

03/13: Random Saturday evening entry. It's been a very productive week, largely thanks to Mom's friend giving her a tiramisu cake, which ended up being our breakfast for a couple days. And it's one of those things that must go with coffee, which gave me a good excuse to get caffeinated in the morning. Fortunately, even on days without caffeine, I managed to get a lot of work done, thanks to increased levels of self-discipline that stems from a lot of the things I've been learning lately. The music project with Rajeev is turning out great, and all the arrangement stuff should be done within a few weeks if things go as planned.

I got my car washed today - for free. I usually do it myself, but upon hearing the news of a free detailed car wash promotion just a few minutes from home, I went immediately. After all, I haven't done my rims in months because of the stupid inconsistent weather. Let's hope this next week is all sunny as forecasted.

Speaking of weather, all of us car-spotters know that this is a wonderful time of the year - not just because tomorrow is PI day (which I still celebrate since I'm a math tutor), but also because daylight saving's time is starting. That means exotics will start popping out like never before. Well, at least that's what happened in previous years. But an extra hour of evening sunlight is guaranteed to make a huge difference. With the ridiculous rainstorms leaving me truly desperate to shoot something nice, I've been looking forward to daylight savings for a very long time. Then again, today I shot an orange LP640 at HWL, so I'm already quite content. Still, I know greater things are yet to come. After all, in the world of the filthy rich, there's no such thing as a bad economy.

With all that said, it's time to focus on the immediate future, which consists of me waking up ridiculously early in the morning to go to church and play for the Chinese worship team tomorrow. From that point of view, losing an hour of sleep really doesn't help much. But again, that's what the coffee is for. And there's really no better reason to wake up early than to worship God.

03/12: Transformation Journal #15 - Good Day, Bad Day

As each day comes to an end, I have a tendency to look back and categorize it as either a "good day" or a "bad day". It's usually decided subconsciously based on how well I feel like I've accomplished the goals that I gave the most priority to. If my walk with God is strong, a "good day" would be one in which I feel like I've successfully obeyed most of His commands and managed to stay away from major sins that I struggle with. If I'm focused on myself, then a "bad day" would be when things go very differently from what I planned and catch me off guard, making everything feel like a mess.

At the end of every day, I fall on my knees and pray to God. Sometimes, my "good day, bad day" categorization determines the amount of reverence I show God when I pray at night. It's definitely not the right attitude to have, but I'm just being honest with myself. On some nights I feel like I can stay on my knees and worship Him forever, while on other nights saying my prayers is simply one item on my to-do list before going to sleep. On those "bad" nights, I manage to convince myself that it's okay to simply settle with calling the day a failure, getting my prayers over with, and trying harder starting the next morning.

A few days ago, I was having a day that fluctuated between the two extremes, and by the time I got home from work at night, it was definitely leaning more toward the "bad day" side. It was one of those nights when I thought I could just drop my guard for a little bit and start over new the next morning. That was when I got a call from a friend that I hadn't talked to for a pretty long time.

The conversation lasted a good four or five hours (it was past 2 AM when we decided we should go to sleep), and by that time my attitude had completely changed - in a good way. Usually when I'm too tired at night, it's easier for me to fall into temptation simply because I'm too tired to focus on living for God. But this time I was far beyond tired, and yet I knew exactly what I wanted to do before going to bed - I wanted to get on my knees and worship God genuinely, because He deserves it.

It's strange how the transformation took place. What began as a casual conversation with my friend ended up going much deeper, and as we shared about our lives, we also shared about the things God has been doing in us and through us. And through hearing each others' stories, we were both blessed in the end. When I got off the phone, I was left with no doubt that God is good - not only because He's God, but because He is actively involved in our everyday lives. When we struggle, He gives us the strength to fight. When we rejoice, we do so because He has blessed us so much. Both my friend and I needed some encouragement, and through our conversation we got just what we needed, simply by realizing once again that God reigns above all things and humbling ourselves before Him. And when we are humbled, our focus is no longer on ourselves, and we are thankful to God simply because of who He is. With that in mind, how can I call any day a "bad day"?

What strikes me most about this incident is not what God did, but rather how He did it. When I'm in a bad mood, I tend to complain more than I think about God's word. And I definitely wouldn't have managed to convince myself to open my Bible and read some words of wisdom that might expose the flaws in my attitude. God didn't bring me back to the truth through scripture, knowledge, divine revelations or worship songs, but rather through a friend. Because while I probably would have ignored all those other things, I was willing to listen to my friend. And that's exactly how God spoke to me.

This incident serves as an incredible reminder of the importance of people in my life. While people are never perfect and will inevitably cause problems at times, healthy fellowship is a crucial part of my walk with God. My current struggles are caused by the more casual parts of my social life interfering with the big picture, which includes healthy fellowship. And as I continue to change and grow, I wish to truly understand the importance of healthy fellowship and allow it to overshadow my many complaints in the same way I want my focus on God to overshadow my selfishness.

03/07: Transformation Journal #14: Thoughts on Fasting

Many Christians know that this time of the year is a period called Lent, a tradition most closely associated with the Catholic church. Even though I'm not Catholic and do not consider myself a part of any particular denomination, there are many things I see in the Catholic church that I wish to learn from. Sure, many people criticize Catholics for being too narrow-minded and bound by traditions, but I'm sure there are many Catholics who are genuine in their faith, and what I admire about them is their respect toward leaders, and most of all, their respect toward a holy God. In more liberal churches, it's way too easy to get overly caught up in complaining and finding ways to express oneself, and eventually the whole idea of "church" can become focused on selfishness rather than God. Sure, God cares about our feelings and opinions, but the Bible says that we must be "quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry" (James 1:19), and sometimes it's important to simply shut up and be obedient to Him, as well as the people He placed above us. God is close enough to us to call us His children and His friends, but it's simply crucial for us to remember that He is a holy God. That means no matter how close we are with Him, we need to approach Him with an attitude of obedience and reverence, because He's God after all.

That's why the idea of Lent sticks out to me. God is holy, but I, like many Christians nowadays, often manage to convince myself that the whole idea of fasting is good but not necessary. I figure God will hear my prayers regardless of whether I eat dinner or not. A few years ago, my church actually encouraged everyone to participate in observing Lent, not necessarily through abstaining from food, but simply by choosing to fast something valuable during the 40-day period. Many people gave up activities like chatting online and playing video games, while others fasted chocolate, soda, and other desirable foods. Some even used it as an opportunity to give up addictive habits such as drinking and smoking. Whatever the sacrifice, the point is that we were supposed to focus on God and allow Him to fill that emptiness. But I always managed to convince myself that my relationship with God would be just fine even if I didn't sacrifice anything. It wasn't until recently that I really started to understand the power of fasting.

In today's world, there are many methods of communication that make delivering a simple message quicker and easier than ever before. But I always love it when people still choose to call me, write me a letter, or visit me, because it shows that they see communicating with me not as a task to complete, but rather as something worth spending time and effort on. In the same way, God doesn't want us to treat prayers like a chore. And through fasting, we can demonstrate to Him that we are willing to make sacrifices to be closer to Him. Even though the sacrifices are technically not necessary, we still make them just because we're willing to. And that in itself is an act of worship.

It's been almost two months since I stepped into what I saw as a time of big changes in my life, and I've come to realize that even though I'm not intentionally observing Lent, much of what I'm doing now falls perfectly in line with what I would be doing if I were following those traditions. There are many things, both big and small, that I have chosen to give up, and some of those things really have nothing to do with the goals I wish to accomplish from this period of time. Those things are just between God and me, because the Bible clearly says that fasting is not something to be intentionally made known to everyone (Matthew 6:16-18). After so many weeks have passed, even some of the things I gave up that I never thought was a big deal are starting to seem like a big deal, and what started as a little sacrifice sometimes becomes a huge craving. But the more I crave, the more I need God, because fasting is meaningless if I don't allow God to fill the emptiness.

Since I'm not adhering to any particular Lent-based calendar, there is no set date when my fasting will end. The way it started was beyond my control, and the way it ends will also be beyond my control. I love certain religious traditions not because I'm narrow-minded, but rather because I've come to understand that they truly serve a purpose of bringing my heart closer to God. And that's one of the main things I'm trying to accomplish during this time of change. There are many lessons that must be learned, and while it's clear that I've made a good amount of progress, only God knows how long I must stay on this road in order to make that progress really count.

Earlier today, a friend gave me a model car that he knew I would like. As the father of two young boys, he could have given it to them as a toy. But having seen my room years ago, he remembered that I am a collector and thought of me when he saw the model. It wasn't a special occasion and he didn't owe me anything, but he still chose to give it to me. Would I see him differently because of this gift? Probably not. But he gave it to me simply because it was a way of expressing his care for me, and it left me feeling extremely blessed. That's what gift-giving is all about - not out of obligation or with expectations of anything in return, but straight from the heart. And in the end both the giver and the receiver are blessed. That's exactly the kind of gift I want to give God. Sacrificing a bunch of little things in life won't make God love me any more, but I do so because I want to show Him that I love Him. Obedience and sacrifice is my gift to God, simply because He deserves it.

Each time I remember the things I'm fasting, I think of God and am reminded of the purposes behind this period of change. When I find myself in a position where I must fight the temptation to indulge in something I've given up, the end result is humility, because I'm reminded that I'm doing this to serve a holy God. Who am I to decide what sacrifices are necessary and what aren't when I'm trying to worship the perfect God who created the whole universe? Fasting isn't about what I'm giving up, but rather about becoming closer with God. And that's exactly what I've experienced through the sacrifices I've chosen to make. When I make voluntary sacrifices for God, I can remember His holiness and come to Him with more reverence and fear. And when I do so, my prayers are no longer about the things I want Him to bless me with, but rather about what I can do to please Him more. And when I begin to see things from His eyes, everything in my life begins to make more sense. After all, "the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom" (Proverbs 9:10). So as I continue moving forward in this journey of making my heart genuinely right with God, I pray that He will continue to be the leader and let His will be done in my life.