06/27: Remembering Two Important People in the Automotive World

This has been a tragic week for car enthusiasts across the globe, as two people who have contributed tremendously to the automotive world passed away from fatal crashes in a span of just a few days.

Hiromu Naruse was the chief test driver for Toyota. Having worked with Toyota for over 45 years, Naruse played important roles in the development of every Toyota performance car, including sports cars like the Celica, Supra, and MR2, and exotics like the classic 2000GT and the new Lexus LFA supercar. In fact, so crucial was he in the development of the $375,000 Lexus that he was considered the "Godfather of the LFA". Naruse believed in fine-tuning every car down to its smallest details and gave the otherwise bland Toyota brand a place in the hearts of enthusiasts. As one of the most revered test drivers in Japan, he was referred to as "the man who knows all the world's roads" and was given the nickname "Nur Meister", which means "One and Only Master Craftsman". On Wednesday, June 23, Naruse passed away behind the wheel of the prototype LFA Nurburgring Edition when it collided head-on with another vehicle.

Alexander Djordjevic, commonly known as "VRAlexander", was a successful businessman who became well known in the car community when he became the owner of the first Porsche Carrera GT in the world fitted with straight pipes. The half-million-dollar Porsche was driven frequently around Southern California, where car lovers (including myself) had the chance to witness its unmistakable sound, which could be heard two miles away. Featured on countless editorials and YouTube videos, the famous car quickly became a favorite among enthusiasts across the globe. Unlike many wealthy car collectors who purchase rare vehicles only to keep them in private storage, VRAlexander was a true car lover who not only appreciated high-end cars, but willingly took them on the streets and pushed them to their limits. He enjoyed sharing the beauty of his cars both with other exotic car owners and with spotters and photographers. On Saturday, June 26, VRAlexander lost his life during a hill climb race when his Porsche 911 TT caught fire and lost control at a cliff.

As we remember these two men who have contributed greatly to the automotive world, let us also remember to put safety first when driving, whether on the road or on the track, and especially when driving a high-performance vehicle that requires extra caution. My prayers go out to the family members and friends that Naruse and VRAlexander have left behind. They left this world doing what they loved to do most, and will always be remembered for sharing their passion for automobiles with the world.

06/26: For those who were wondering...

It's summer again, and July 4th is coming up soon. Just in case anyone is still wondering, I did not forget about the "annual" summer barbecue party. If you're reading this, then chances are you're aware that I've been going through a lot of things that I have no control over, and many people around me are going through similar circumstances. So I've decided that this really isn't the best time to throw a huge party. (I'll be attending another party for Independence Day, but since it's not my party, I'm not the one inviting people). Even though my attitude toward people and my priorities in life have changed dramatically in these past few months, I'm still a party animal when it comes to events like this, especially because it's a great opportunity for me to show my appreciation for the people God has placed in my life. I would love to continue the tradition of my summer barbecue parties, but because there are too many factors beyond my control at this time, I can't promise anything yet. If everything works out, hopefully there will be a party later in the summer. But even so, things will have to be done very differently, and I know I will need a lot of wisdom from God to know how to approach them.

06/26: A Random Little Adventure

After a week of basically nothing fun to do (as in no hanging out, no cars to shoot, etc), I wasn't exactly looking forward to a Saturday with absolutely no plans. And I could use a little break to get my mind off the various problems described in the last several Transformation Journals. So, I (somewhat hesitantly) climbed out of bed at 5 in the morning, and off to Cars & Coffee I went.

There aren't many things I would wake up at 5AM for. And that's why I intentionally made this a solo adventure; as much as I hate to admit it, when people are ambitious enough to make plans with me early in the morning, chances are things won't go as planned and I'll end up feeling like a total idiot. But even though I consider myself crazy for getting up so early just to see and shoot a bunch of cars, at least in the end I can feel like an accomplished idiot. And that's how I feel now. I'm friggin' tired and my head hurts, but it was worth the exciting morning I spent in Irvine.

As for the turnout at the meet, let's just say it was exciting, but not life-changing. In the past when I went to C&C, there was always something super special going on, namely a gathering of a hundred Ford GT's, a reunion of four generations of Ferrari supercars, and the surprise appearance of the Lexus LFA (which wasn't a surprise for me, since I was fortunate enough to find out ahead of time). Today was my first time going just for the heck of it. If I had to complain, I'll admit it was slightly disappointing compared to the pictures I've seen from previous weeks. Last night when I was in bed struggling to fall asleep, I compiled a 10-car hitlist in which I expected to see at least one (8C Spider, Rapide, Viper SRT-10 ACR, 458 Italia, Gallardo Valentino Balboni, Murcielago SV, Evora, 997 GT3 (new version), Ghost, Phantom Coupe). And given the very high likelihood of at least one of these showing up, it was very disappointing to return home with the list unchanged. But to be completely honest, Cars & Coffee is never actually disappointing. And a smaller turnout means I got to cover basically all the exotics in photos and videos. Highlights include a classic Packard, a Ferrari 250 TDF, a rare Arnolt-Bristol roadster, a Callaway C16 Convertible, a red SL65 Black Series, a matte black Renntech CLK63 Black Series, and Carrera GT. Oh, and there was an Aston Martin Virage, a Maserati Bora and Maserati Merak. And a Ferrari 348 Challenge. And a Noble. And more. Yea, I guess it really wasn't a bad turnout after all.

It seems like a lot of people around me want to get away from life for a bit and go on a little "retreat" like this. There's nothing in my life I wanted to run away from, but it definitely helped to get out of my normal life and do something spontaneous and different. And now I feel great, even though my head hurts. But again, it was totally worth it. So, two morals of the story. First, Cars & Coffee is awesome. Second, if you think life is too dull or too full of problems, set your alarm clock at 5 in the morning and do something fun and random. People might think you're crazy, but that's exactly what makes it so awesome.

06/24: TJ #48 - A Simple Prayer from the Heart

"God, help me be successful with my job." "God, take care of my financial needs." "God, bless my relationships with my family and my friends." "God, give me more motivation to invest in my future." "God, give me more energy to get through each day." "God..."

Knowing that prayer is supposed to be a love-driven conversation with God, I've become especially aware when my prayers become nothing more than a huge list of things I want God to do for me. I admit I sometimes struggle with throwing bundles of requests before God just so I can feel at peace and continue with my daily tasks. But each time I force myself to slow down and think about who it is I'm actually praying to, I find myself humbled once again. Praying to God as if I could control Him is not only useless, but also even a little stupid. What's the point of pretending to be genuine to God when He knows that deep inside I just want to get the prayer over with? And what's the point of turning to God for help when I feel as if I had the power to tell Him what to do? There's a reason we call Him God, and God has the power to answer our prayers however He wants to. Fortunately, God does not mess around. He doesn't let His people suffer unless He has a good reason for it. He sometimes makes us wait before granting our requests because it builds our character. There is a purpose in all that He does, and because He is God and He loves us unconditionally, He does all things for the good of those who seek His purpose (Romans 8:28).

I often remind myself of the "ACTS" model of prayer - Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving, and Supplication. But even after praising God and confessing my sins, it's still easy to find myself with a seemingly endless list of requests to be fulfilled. I remember one specific night during the early stages of this Time of Change when I was on my knees with exactly that problem. I felt hurt by the people around me and couldn't trust them anymore. My unpredictable daily work schedule made me extremely frustrated. My priorities in life needed serious changes, but I wasn't quite sure how to approach them. I knew there were idols in my life and I needed to stop sinning. I needed inspiration and I needed motivation. I needed good rest at night and energy in the morning. God, give me this, God, give me that...

Then suddenly it became clear to me. God already knew all of my needs long before I prayed them out loud. And while it's good to present my needs before God to show that I am genuinely seeking His help, the way I was throwing my junk at God pointed to my own heart's discontent, my tendency to worry, and my lack of faith that He was truly in control of all things. I could complain to God all night about things that I wasn't happy with, but what God truly wanted from me through prayer was a genuine heart of worship. And all my frantic monologuing only served to distract me from what prayer was supposed to be all about.

There was only one thing left for me to say. "God, just be." That honest prayer filled my heart with peace that transcended all of my problems and all of my worries. I didn't need to say another word. I'd sung many worship songs saying that God "was, is, and always will be". "Be what?", I would often think to myself. It wasn't until that night that I truly began to understand. All of the worship songs, Bible stories, and life experiences that helped point me toward God showed different attributes of Him, and having praised Him with many of those attributes and acknowledged from my heart that He had a great plan for every aspect of my life, the only thing I wanted was simply for Him to be what He already is. God is faithful, loving, just, holy, perfect. He is called "Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace" (Isaiah 9:6). The list can go on forever. Some of these characteristics are easy for me to understand, while others are so hard to grasp that I may never completely understand them in this lifetime. But no matter what problems I'm bringing before God, there is always at least one characteristic of Him that tells me there is no better way to lay my problems before God than to acknowledge who He is and trust that He will always be.

From that night on, that simple prayer has played a crucial role in the way I communicated with God throughout this Time of Change. It's not easy to tell God "just be" and mean it from my heart, though, because those words only truly make sense when I'm willing to completely humble myself before Him and have faith that He can and will take care of all my needs. It's easy to pray that God would do whatever He wants and feel like I'm praying with great faith when in reality I'm just too lazy to spend more time with Him. But what's the point of bringing my requests before God if I don't even really care about them myself? When the many problems in life make me see how much I need God, and when I meditate on His praiseworthy characteristics so much that I find myself with no better option than to have faith, only then can I wholeheartedly say to God "just be." And by that point, the prayer is really not as much about me as it is about God. And that's exactly how it's supposed to be.

As I learned to trust God more during this Time of Change, it became easier for me to not be weighed down by the difficult situations in my life. Recently, though, I've been feeling like the problems around me are growing very quickly. I have many concerns regarding my relationships with my friends that I really don't know how to deal with. My work is a lot less stable and I can definitely use some new opportunities. The people in my church are going through so many changes, problems, and unpredictable circumstances that I often feel like I'm alone in my walk with God. Everywhere I look, someone or something breaks my heart. And thinking about all these things often keeps me from sleeping well at night and makes me frustrated during the day. But I praise God nonetheless, because unlike how I was at the beginning of this Time of Change, I now understand the value of finding security in Him alone. He allows me to go through hard times for a reason, and I know that He will use these things to write great stories in my life if I have faith. With that in mind, I can not only stop worrying about my life, but also rejoice regardless of my circumstances. And each time I fall on my knees and bring my struggles before God, I end up humbled again at the realization that He is in control and His love never fails. There's really nothing more I can ask for. "God, just be."

06/21: TJ #47 - Letter to a World Searching for Love

If anyone is to blame for this mess, it's me. I talked to you because I didn't want to be alone. I listened to your problems so you would speak to me. I prayed for you so I would feel like a good person. I called you friend, but you were nothing more than another name on a list to fill the deep emptiness inside my heart. This is a world where insecure people cling on to other insecure people and wonder why life still seems so empty. That's not the way it has to be. I apologize for my selfish mistakes, and I come now not because I want to use you for my own gain, but because I love you. No longer is my heart empty, because I have fallen in love with a God whose love never runs dry. And never have I pursued life, liberty, and happiness with such great passion.

To live life is to believe in oneself and take joy in one's God-given identity. To have liberty is to admit one's own imperfections and not be weighed down by them. To pursue true happiness is to abandon one's quest for temporary fulfillment and chase after the things that satisfy the heart's deepest desires. Such joy flows abundantly even when circumstances run dry. Such contentment stands firmly even when everyone else tries to tear it down. Such passion burns fervently even when there seems to be nothing to feed it with. In light of such great things, why find security in things that only reach skin deep? Why pretend to smile when the heart cries out for true love? Why fill up life with clutter and noise to avoid facing the truth? The truth is that God loves us the way we are and wants to write incredible love stories with our lives, and while each story has ups and downs, there will always be a happy ending if we just hand Him the pen so He can finish it.

Where there is no effort, there is no love. Where there is no discipline, there is no trust. What good is life without love, or liberty without trust? The journey of the heart is a difficult one, but its great rewards make every mountain worth climbing. Stop trying to blend in with the crowd, because God created every one of us to be unique. Stop working to please the masses, because a true friend is worth more than thousands of numbers. Stop running around aimlessly, look your heart straight in the eye, and listen to it. Let its words be your compass and your light, and let its whisper become a roar that echoes throughout all that you do. This road is long and narrow, but take it nonetheless, because aside from it life is purposeless, liberty is enslaved, and happiness is only temporary. On this road I often go unnoticed, but there is no need for approval when I am secure in God's unfailing love. On this road I make many sacrifices, but they are nothing compared to the fountain of joy that springs from my heart. Life is my song, and liberty my dance. There is no better road to happiness than the one I'm taking now. Would you like to join me?

06/16: TJ #46 - Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness

We all want to live life and live it well. We all want the liberty to do what we want, when we want. And in all this, we want to find happipness. Long before this phrase was written in the Declaration of Independence, many philosophers and political figures came up with similar ideas and considered these three things as among the natural and universal rights of mankind. But how is life a right when countless people die every day from extreme poverty, incurable diseases and natural disasters? How is liberty a right when innocent people get abused, robbed, or even murdered? And how wonderful is this pursuit of happiness when we all know deep inside that all the contentment in the world is only temporary?

I remember a friend telling me confidently during our last days as seniors in high school that she knew I would live a happy life in the future. Her words stood out to me, because at the time I had not yet overcome my many struggles in high school and I saw no hope in my own future. She knew that I was a Christian, but she neither went to church nor showed real interest in the faith. Yet she seemed so sure that I had what it took to live a good life.

In the years that followed, I found what I was most passionate for and switched my major in college to music. I overcame my struggle for social acceptance which lasted for years and enjoyed a flourishing social life I never thought was possible. I discovered my own hobby, car spotting, which gave me joy that persisted even when no one else around me could understand. Looking back now, I really have no doubt that all of those things, along with the countless experiences I had and life lessons I learned that all contributed to an incredible college story that many people admire, were given to me because I made one important decision - to give my life to Christ and follow Him.

Recently I was spending time with some friends when I felt so much discontent in my heart that I silently walked away from our conversation. I have very high standards for my close friends, especially those who claim to be Christians. And while I am not surprised when I see corruption around me, one thing I can't stand seeing is hypocrisy - Christians who attend church on Sundays and live their lives outside of church as if God didn't exist. These Christian friends not only seemed to have no problem living lives they would be ashamed to speak of at church, but even attempted to drag me down with them. And that's when I decided to walk away.

Silently I directed my attention away from the people around me and looked up at the nighttime sky. As I enjoyed the cool breeze on my face, I suddenly came to a new realization. I love my life. I love being me. I'm living a good life, and I'm not craving any more than what I already have. I have neither a lot of money nor a stable job. I don't have my own house and I don't drive a luxury car. There are so many things my friends love to do that I'm left out of. People constantly break my trust and make me feel like there's no one I can count on. But somehow in the midst of so much discontent with the problems around me, my heart was filled with joy. It was a joy so deeply rooted in the truth that I was completely liberated from the temptations of the people around me to chase after temporary contentment with them, and at that moment I fell deeply in love with that joy.

I returned to my friends, who were still passionately engaged in their conversations. How is it that, if they really believe that God is love (1 John 4:8), they still keep searching for love in the wrong places? If they know that there is great joy in worshipping God (Psalm 100:2), how can they find so much pleasure in things that break His heart? Somewhere in their hearts there is emptiness. And they're trying so hard to fill that emptiness by their own means while ignoring the solution that's given freely to them every Sunday morning. The things they chase after will never satisfy them, and I wish I know how to help them understand that. They complain that I'm being too serious, but in reality my serious attitude is a reflection of my broken heart wishing that they could find security in the God they sing praises to at church and discover the overflowing joy that will leave them wanting nothing more.

My friend in high school was right. I'm living a good life now, and I'm totally in love with it. But it's not because of anything I've accomplished on my own or anything I've accumulated in my life. By the standards of this world, I'm far from being successful. But with God, nothing is impossible (Luke 1:37). People spend their whole lives finding temporary ways to satisfy the emptiness in their hearts, but the contentment of knowing that my Creator loves me unconditionally quenches my heart's thirst no matter if life is smooth or rough. It really makes me wonder, then, why it is so hard for my friends and so many others in this world - even those who claim to be Christians - to find this lasting freedom and joy.

True life comes from realizing that Christ died for my imperfections so I can be forgiven. True liberty is knowing that the God of the universe loves me with an unfailing love and has a plan for every moment of my life. And the true pursuit of happiness points me straight to the Cross, because only through Christ can I find forgiveness from all the wrong's I've done and unconditional joy in my heart. These things are in fact universal rights, but only so because of the great love and hope God gives us, both on earth and in heaven. And I pray from the bottom of my heart that everyone around me can find this true life, liberty, and happiness that God offers freely to us.

06/12: TJ #45 - A Little Longer

"Just hold on to the rock and don't let go." We've been taught those words countless times before we were all caught by this flood. That's how everyone on our team knew what to do to stay safe. Day and night we held on to this rock, knowing that it would remain strong and protect us from getting washed away by the storm. But not everyone made it. I saw many people let go and get carried away. Some fell because they didn't know any better. Others ran out of strength and surrendered to the current. Still others chose to let go simply because they didn't want to try any longer. Each time someone lost grip, I wished I could help. But I knew that if I reached out a hand, I too would be swept away. Too many people have made that mistake already, and I wasn't about to be next.

Perhaps there's something good at the other end of the river. Perhaps some of the people that fell actually made it there. But somehow in the middle of teaching us so many survival skills, our leaders had forgotten to teach us how to swim. And even if we could swim, it would take an expert to fight such furious waters and make it to the shore. All we can do now is hold on to this big rock and trust that it will protect us. We have nothing to help one another with other than our words of encouragement, and those words kept us from giving up - at least for those of us who are still here. All this time I've held on, I wished and prayed that one day the storm would be calmed. "Just a little longer", I would tell myself each time I felt weak. And a little longer I held on each time.

But "a little longer" simply doesn't cut it anymore. I've been here far too long, and I'm finally starting to realize how hard it is to keep holding on tightly to this rock. The storm continues to rage on, becoming increasingly intense. Each time I look up, I see someone else get swept away. These are people who have fought against death with me and encouraged me when I wanted to give up. And as I watch them lose grip one by one and vanish with the blink of an eye, my heart breaks in fear of both the dangers ahead of them and the uncertainties ahead of us.

Never has the water been as furious as it is now. Hunger and exhaustion are destroying me, and not only is my strength diminishing, but I'm also losing friends and faith more quickly than ever before. Even the rock has been split, and a large portion of it has just been washed away, along with the people clinging on to it. If they stick together, maybe they will all make it in the end. But having seen that even this rock that has protected me for so long fails to hold itself together, I am overwhelmed with fear. How much longer will it be before another piece breaks free? What if the whole rock loses grip of its foundation and crumbles?

Only three of us are still here now. One is so weak that he can no longer speak, and the other is at the brink of giving up. How is it that even the strongest of our team is no longer encouraging me, but rather trying to drag me down? I feel like I'm the last one still holding on to this rock. And now the rock is about to shatter into pieces.

The river flows as it pleases. The river decides if we make it or not. If this rock crumbles, only the river can choose who will stick by my side and who will end up on distant shores. A part of me wants to give up now and follow the dangerous path that many of us have already taken and hopefully survived. But I've held on for so long that I simply can't quit now. I must keep holding on a little longer. Even so, sooner or later my strength will run out and I will be washed away, and only the river knows where I will end up. If anyone sees me or hears my cries, please come and rescue me before it's too late. But even if this is the end, I know that at least I've done my best.

06/10: Thinking about it now, I realized just how long it's been since I last had a full week-long break from work like this. Even during spring break, winter break, and all the other extended holidays, there's always someone that needs some kind of academic help, whether it's getting ahead in school or cramming for SAT's. And since I actually enjoy being at least a little productive every day, I don't mind working through holidays at all. This week just happened to plan itself out in such a way that I don't have a single hour of work. SAT's were last weekend and the next test won't be until fall, and even though some people are still in school this week, almost all of my students finished last week, and those that didn't had other things to worry about this week.

In the middle of relaxing, hanging out with friends, and playing video games, I somehow found myself being much more productive with my free time at home than I was when I actually had work. I still find it hard to believe, but if everything goes as planned, my new music teaching program will officially kick off in about a week. God has been amazingly faithful, providing me with not only ideas on how to organize my thoughts, but also a few students. I'm not too concerned about advertising yet, and I know there are a lot of sacrifices I have to make right now in order to turn the ideas I've been working on for so long into reality. But at this point, it's really not about making money or becoming well known. My goal now is to do my best to teach music passionately, because I know that there is an incredibly huge demand for what I'm planning to do, and as long as I can do well with the little opportunities given to me now, much more will come in the future. God has shown me enough signs to make me feel certain that I'm on the right path. I'm still a little scared at this point, but I know that He will go ahead of me and lead me, because what I'm doing is for His glory.

06/06: TJ #44 - God's Church

Last week I read a Bible passage in my devotional book that really reflects a lot of the problems our church is struggling with -

"Woe to the shepherds who are destroying and scattering the sheep of my pasture!" declares the LORD. Therefore this is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says to the shepherds who tend my people: "Because you have scattered my flock and driven them away and have not bestowed care on them, I will bestow punishment on you for the evil you have done," declares the LORD. "I myself will gather the remnant of my flock out of all the countries where I have driven them and will bring them back to their pasture, where they will be fruitful and increase in number. I will place shepherds over them who will tend them, and they will no longer be afraid or terrified, nor will any be missing," declares the LORD. (Jeremiah 23:1-4).

My prayer regarding the issues currently plaguing the church has always been that God will protect and strengthen those who humbly seek His will and deal according to his wisdom with those who don't. I have my own opinions on who's right and who's wrong, but I don't need to be quick in making them known, because I have no right to judge prematurely. But what has always bothered me most is that the problems in the church's leadership are hurting people who come to church every week with the intention of actually worshipping God and learning His word. I prayed many times that no matter what happens to the church in the future, God will protect His sheep and keep them from scattering. And that's why this passage spoke to me so clearly.

This passage, as well as much of the rest of the book of Jeremiah, strikes me as rather harsh. Even though I'm greatly encouraged by these words, I by no means want to see people at church that I've grown up with fall under the kind of punishment Jeremiah prophesied about. It makes me even more thankful, then, for Christ's death on the cross, which grants us all the chance to be forgiven and made right with God again. As much as I'd like to think of myself as among God's flock, I must admit that if I lived in Jeremiah's time, my sins would have earned me a pretty big dose of God's wrath. But now that Jesus has paid the price for us all, the question is no longer whether or not God will forgive us of our sins, but rather whether or not we will humble ourselves and obey Him.

To everyone caught in our current church situation in one way or another, I want to remind us to ask ourselves one question. Who is God? It breaks my heart to think how many of us Christians would dismiss that question as too elementary. Take a break from the usual routines of life - and even the routines of church - and think about that question for a moment. Throughout history, people have believed that there are divine beings greater than ourselves, whether it's nature, statues, deceased ancestors, or anything else. But the point is that you can't call something a "god" unless you approach it with an attitude of reverence and fear. God has more power than we do. God can protect us, and can also strike us down. Sure, our God loves us and forgives us when we mess up. Even in the Old Testament, it took years of patience before God finally decided to carry out His inevitable wrath on the sinful people of Jeremiah's time. But does that mean we can just go on living our lives however we want to and expect "God" to be our slave?

Do we barge into a king's palace and sit on his throne as if we're kings? Do we stand in front of a church and command people to bow down before us? Then why do so many Christians think it's okay to steal God's role at church and expect everyone else to submit to us? God is real. God is holy. God deserves our absolute best. What would the church be without God? Heck, where would every one of us be without God? If we truly believe that God is real and try to think about who He is, then it should unquestionably change the way we treat His church. There are several people in our leadership now that, to be honest, should take a break from their positions (if not step down completely) and think about things from God's point of view. I will neither name any individuals nor attempt to judge anyone, but I believe that if we accept the authority God has given us to take care of His sheep, it is crucial that we remain humble and honest with our imperfections, making every effort to search our hearts so that we don't forget what the church is supposed to be all about.

As a musician on the worship team, I frequently feel the need to get away from the stage and check my heart before playing for Sunday service. Am I playing so people can see me perform on stage, or am I performing in a way that directs attention to God's beauty? Do I care as much about working as a team with the other musicians as I do about sounding good myself? Am I trying to fulfill a job description, or am I eager to use all my heart, soul, mind, and strength to worship God? If I had to surrender my leadership position, would I hesisate to give it up due to any selfishness or insecurity? When I ask myself these questions, they shine light on my sins and give me an opportunity to make my heart pure so that I can give God the kind of worship He deserves. And I really encourage everyone at church, whether onstage or offstage, whether leading or just attending, to check your hearts in similar ways. Remember, God is holy, and He's the one in charge of the church. No matter what positions we hold or how many people look up to us, in the end God looks straight at our hearts.

God's church is not about political heirarchies, business plans, and a big building with great technology. God's church consists of people whose believe in Him and humbly seek to glorify Him. Even if the walls of this church crumble, God's church will still stand. Even if our current leadership system comes to ruin, Jesus is still the Chief Shepherd (1 Peter 5:4). To be honest, a part of me is actually happy about the struggles we're currently going through, because they reveal many flaws that people have tried to keep hidden, and it forces us to grow both as individuals and as a church. Seasons may change and people may leave, but God is always faithful, and if God is for us, then who can stand against us? If we are His church, then He is our Chief Shepherd, and in the same way He remained faithful to His people in Jeremiah's time, He will be faithful to us and eventually lead us out of our struggles in a way that is glorifying to Him.

06/04: TJ #43 - The Last Unbroken Fast

It's been over a month since I began to transition into the second chapter of this Time fo Change by beginning to break the many disciplinary fasts that characterized the first chapter. I 've made every effort to be careful as I gradually broke each fast so that I would not see it as a freedom to do whatever I wanted, but rather as a newly opened door through which I can find new opportunities to glorify God. And I believe, through both my own feelings and confirmation from others, that good changes are in fact taking place. At this point, all of my disciplinary fasts have been at least partially broken, except for one. I've had a long and colorful history with the subject of this particular fast, because it has brought me some of the greatest joys as well as deepest pains in my social life. And because this Time of Change is focused on relationships, I find it very difficult to find the right approach to breaking this fast.

Fasts like this one are nothing new to me. In fact, those who knew me in high school and college may recall me going through several disciplinary periods just like this. And each of those times helped me grow in amazing ways and learn lessons I could not have learned otherwise. My eyes were opened to beautiful things most people around me were blinded to (or simply didn't care to notice), and with each fast I became more committed to my belief that there is no substitute for effort and quality - a belief I have tried exhaustively to live by, especially when it comes to relationships.

Through this most recent series of fasts, I've come to see many flaws in my past attitude toward my social life. In the past, I chased after friendships because I was insecure without them. I pretended to care about everyone I talked to, and even when I really did care, there was always some kind of selfish motive involved. I cared about people so they would like me more. I volunteered to listen to their problems so they would talk to me. I offered to pray for them so I would feel like I was a better Christian. In the end, even though people saw me as a good person, it was still always all about me. And when I was forced out of my comfort zone and learned to turn to God for security, I realized just how disgustingly selfish those friendships were, and knew that something had to change right away. That's why I decided to suddenly abandon my seemingly flourishing social life. At that time, I knew then that sooner or later I would have to return to the things I left behind so that I could apply the things I've learned. And ever since I began to gradually break my fasts, I've had many opportunities to practice those things in order to strive for genuine relationships that don't always revolve around me. But as for the subject of this final fast, my feelings both toward it and against it are so strong that it's impossible for me to just break it casually.

Those who used to talk to me on an almost daily basis but suddenly lost touch with me when this Time of Change began probably know exactly what I'm talking about. Then again, if they really cared, they could have easily found me by now. While I really do miss them, I must admit that anyone who knows me should not be surprised that such a fast happened out of the blue. And I know that when I break this fast, there will be a lot of questions I'll have to answer to those people who clearly don't know me. It breaks my heart now just thinking about those questions. And that's exactly why I'm so hesitant to make my return.

I often ask myself why I insist on holding on to my beliefs regarding relationships that often go directly against popular opinion. Ever since my sophomore year in college when I discovered the value of seeking quality over quantity when it comes to relationships, I knew there was so much more to live for than finding shortcuts to temporary satisfaction. And now that I've learned to turn to God rather than social acceptance for true, lasting contentment, I'm even more firm in living out my beliefs. It definitely bothers me that I always have to miss out on so much that everyone else is able to enjoy regularly. But to be honest, if people are not willing to treat me with the kind of quality necessary in a real friendship, then I feel no need to call them friends. I may be the one whose birthday most people forget, and I may be the one that people forget to invite to special events. Even though it hurts, this pain is nothing compared to the agony of having to live against my core beliefs. My security is in God's unfailing love, not in people, and even if I must live my entire life as a forgotten one, I know that God remembers me, and I know that I must do my best to uphold the truths He has blessed me with knowing.

I must mention, though, that there's a group of friends I've come to pay a lot more attention to during this Time of Change. These are the friends who noticed me when I vanished, knew where to find me when I hid, and made an effort to reach me when I was far away. These are the friends who will still care about me if I leave my home and move to a faraway place. These are the friends who will notice my absence if God decides it's time for me to leave this world and go spend eternity with Him. And now that I've once again seen through this fast the beauty of what real friendship is supposed to be like, these are the friends I can pour out my heart on and love without worrying if they love me back or not. Of course, when it comes to trust, I still must keep in mind that God is the only one who deserves my complete and unwavering trust. And because of God's love for me, I'm able to see even more beauty in these friends. Each time I go on an extended fast like this, I find myself at a loss for words when it comes to expressing just how blessed I am to have such wonderful people in my life. When I removed all the shortcuts, they still came to me through the long way, and I will likewise take no shortcuts when it comes to loving them. With the love of God in my heart and these few people that I can truly call friends, I really feel like I can't ask for any more than what I already have.

With that in mind, I feel like the world I'm still fasting from has suddenly lost its grip over my life. I no longer need it to feel accepted or secure. I no longer feel lonely without it. In fact, when I also take into account all the fakery and laziness I'll have to face there, I don't even feel excited about breaking this fast anymore. Sure, there are many people there that I really miss. But I now miss them simply because I haven't talked to them in a long time, not because I depend on them like I once did to feel content. Still, I know that sooner or later, this fast will have to be broken.

When I break this fast, it will also break my heart. There's no other option, because the joy in my heart now brings to light the great amount of suffering I'll see around me. So many people - people I truly care about - are constantly chasing after things they believe will bring them satisfaction. But they are blinded to the fact that those things will only leave them forever longing for more. Having gone through it myself, I know how much it hurts to be lost in this unending quest for contentment wondering why nothing can fill the deep emptiness inside me. And now that I've been blessed with knowing the answer to my heart's deepest longings, seeing that same pattern of suffering will break my heart even more than it did before, because no matter if I can call these people friends or not, the truth is that they're a part of my life, and I can't stand seeing them suffer so much without feeling urged to help them. But how?

I can spend forever hiding from the harsh reality while trying to find the answer, but I believe much of the answer won't make sense unless I first push myself out of my comfort zone and take a leap of faith. So this fast must be broken, whether I want to break it or not. But when I do, I must make every effort to remain rooted in God's unfailing love, so that I will not fall into idolatry again like I once did. And neither should I allow others to turn to me as an idol, because the last thing I want is to let people I care about settle with something - even something good - that prevents them from finding deep joy, genuine hope, unfailing love, and complete peace in Jesus Christ. I must break this fast, and I know I must do it soon. But in the same way I broke all the other fasts, I must approach this one carefully and continue to set limitations for myself so that I will not lose sight of the lessons I've learned. As for the inevitable discontent I must face, I know that if those feelings are from God, then He will use them to continue shaping me according to His will.

06/03: End-of-the-Schoolyear Reflections

It's always an emotional moment for me when I step out of a student's home after our last tutoring session of the schoolyear. We've spent months or even years together, and now that I've helped them review chapter by chapter for their math finals, they're on their own to do their best to secure their hard-earned grades with one last exam. Maybe I will be tutoring them again after summer, or maybe I will never see them again. That decision really isn't up to me. But having tutored them on a weekly or even daily basis for such a long time, I always find it hard to say goodbye, even if it's just for the summer. Another amazing schoolyear of tutoring has come to an end, and I can't help but look back and remember all that God has blessed me with throughout the year.

God is always faithful, and this past schoolyear was no exception. While the majority of my students from the previous year stayed with me, I also got a surprisingly large number of new students. In fact, my schedule was so busy that dinner often waited until 9:00 or 10:00 at night. Once I adjusted to the abnormal meal schedule, it really wasn't too bad. Even though long hours of nonstop work could be extremely tiring, it helped that my schedule was different every day of the week and that I commuted to a different location every hour or so. It also helped that all of my students this year were in the junior high and high school age range; working with young children has always been a burden to me, but I really enjoy tutoring students old enough to show concern for their own grades. And what surprised me most was that as the year progressed, some of my students and their parents actually recommended me to new students in need of tutoring. Those recommendations gave me a desperately needed boost in confidence by telling me that the countless hours spent with my students have finally begun to bear fruit.

Speaking of confidence, one of the biggest reasons I really enjoyed this past schoolyear of tutoring is that I feel like I've actually grown quite significantly. In the past, most people who I'd talked to about my job probably recall me saying that I felt like I had no gifting in teaching and saw very little improvement in myself even after doing teaching-related jobs for so many years. This year, however, many of my students were taking the same level classes at school, and that gave me the opportunity to practice explaining the same lessons time after time. I find it funny that when it came time to start helping my students prepare for finals, I knew more mathematical formulas and procedures by memory than I ever did before. If only I knew all those things when I was actually in high school, maybe there could have been a significant increase in my own GPA. But that's how I know God is so faithful; despite my academic imperfections, He paved the way for me to go to a great university, and He opened the doors for me to use the knowledge He gave me to bless others. And because of my own struggles in high school, I'm able to walk alongside my students and think from their point of view.

Recently, a friend asked me if I found it annoying when students ask me the same question over and over again because they can't understand a simple concept. After thinking about it, I realized to my own surprise that I actually enjoy such situations. The hardest students to tutor are those who always remain quiet or respond with one-word answers, because it makes it difficult for me to know whether they actually understand what I'm saying or are just pretending to understand so I can shut up. But when students ask questions, it shows that they actually care, and it gives me a clear understanding of where they're at. And as a result, I can pinpoint the problems and clarify their solutions. I can do my best to help my students, but in the end it's their choice whether or not to try their best. When students feel comfortable asking questions, I feel more comfortable explaining the answers to them, and at the end a mutual trust is formed. And that trust is one of the biggest reasons I love being a private tutor.

Through spending time with my students and their families, I often feel like my relationship with them is so much more than just me teaching them math and getting my paycheck. I try to teach based on each student's individual strengths and weaknesses, and when they have homework assignments that I think are ridiculously long, I let them know my honest feelings so they can understand that despite making sure they work hard, I've been through their pain and know how they feel. Some of the students I've taught for years have come to see me as not only a tutor, but also a big brother, and I've been able to help them and their families with much more than just academics. Even though tutoring is my job, I constantly remind myself not to focus on the amount of money I'm making. And I've come to realize that the most memorable moments in this past schoolyear were not the times I received my paychecks, but rather the times when I was able to truly be a blessing to my students and their families, both in academics and in other areas. It brings great joy to my heart to see students improve, giving them more confidence and making them and their parents happy. Each time that happens, I'm reminded of just how great a blessing it is to be a part of their lives and walk with them throughout the schoolyear. And it is because of those moments that I can look back at the end of the year and truly realize how much I'm going to miss them.

If I want to, I can probably also come up with a long list of complaints and problems about this past year. Having to fight traffic to beat the clock from house to house often made me lose my temper. And don't even get me started with how frustrating it is when people repeatedly make last-minute cancellations after I've told them how much trouble it costs me. But looking back now at the end of the schoolyear, it's not about how many times people cancelled on me or how many potential paychecks I lost, but rather how much I've been able to invest in each of my students with the opportunities I had. Every job has its problems, and even though it's hard for most people to understand some of the frustrations I have to go through, at the end the blessings far outweigh the troubles, and I can't help but fall on my knees and praise God for blessing me so abundantly throughout this year.

I've always believed that a good teacher must have the humble heart of a student, and the longer I work as a tutor, the more I realize how much there is for me to learn. I know I'm not the best tutor, and I often wish that I'm much better at explaining lessons, speaking clearly, and keeping my students from falling asleep. Just as I'm blessed to see my students grow and improve over the months and years we've worked together, I'm blessed with opportunities to learn so that I can better meet the needs of those I teach. Even though my college degree in music composition has nothing to do with my job now, I know that God will continue to lead every step of my career path, whether it's music, academics, or teaching. He has never failed me, and I know He never will. I praise God for this incredible schoolyear, and look forward to the paths He will lead me on in the years to come.

05/31: Memorial Day BBQ Party

Oh, the joy of celebrating Memorial Day. There's nothing like the feeling of finishing over 8 hours of mentally engaging work (with no break) and arriving at Ken's house to find a 12-pack of Blue Moons and meat fresh off the barbecue grille. The idea of having this BBQ party came just a couple days ago, and at first I was hesitant on agreeing to go, since I knew I would be insanely tired after working all day. But when the time actually came, being so tired actually made me want to have fun and relax even more. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy my tutoring job. In fact, after doing so much math today, I can say that this is probably the only time I'll be able to recite to you the equations of all four conic sections by memory, plus detailed explanations on how to find the vertices, foci, asymptotes, major/minor/transverse/conjugate/whatever axis, and just about everything else there is to find. If only I knew math this well when I was actually learning it... Anyway, thanks everyone for the awesome party. Now it's time to get a good night's sleep so I'll be ready to teach more math tomorrow!

05/29: TJ #42 - Hope Beyond This World

Having played piano since childhood, I have had the opportunity to make music at all kinds of events. I've played at banquets, weddings, church services, baptisms, coffee shops, concerts with thousands of people, and many other events. But until today, there was one occasion that I had never played at before - a funeral.

I never met Joseph Sun personally, but as a friend of his sister I recall first hearing his voice in the background while talking with her on the phone. That was about a year or two ago. Then I found out through our church that he had a serious case of cancer that doctors couldn't cure, and we all prayed for him. The first time I actually saw him was last month when he came to church to get baptized. It was an experience I will never forget.

At the time, it never struck me just how severe this cancer was. I was casually sitting in the back of the sanctuary, and we were all waiting for him to arrive for the baptism. Then I began to wonder, "why was he coming to church only to get baptized? And why could he not arrive any earlier?" That's when it all began to made sense to me. He was so weak and powerless that he was barely able to move on his own. And he was being specially brought to church to be baptized because even though the road ahead of him seemed hopeless, he wanted to dedicate his life to Christ and he wanted everyone to see him do so. What I was about to see was a boy with cancer all over his body, uncertain about how much longer he could live, but filled with faith in the God he was committing his life to. Upon that realization, I left the friends I was sitting with and moved quietly to the front of the sanctuary. I knew that God was about to do something amazing, and I wanted to be up in the front to witness it.

Tears rolled down from my eyes as I watched the boy, who was only 18 or 19 years old, being pushed inside the sanctuary on a wheelchair. The pastor asked him if he believed that God could heal him completely, and he said yes. After he was baptized, we all prayed together for him. In both Chinese and English, we prayed in unity. The young and the old all prayed together with the desire to see him healed. Something about the occasion seemed so wonderful, but at the same time something also seemed terribly wrong. On one hand, I was inspired by Joseph's bold decision of faith, and I felt happy that despite his suffering, he has found true peace in his heart through Christ. And it's always a blessing to see Christians of different age groups and ethnicities pray together with one heart. But at the same time, my heart broke for all the physical and emotional pain experienced by him and his family.

How could God allow such a young boy to go through something like this? How could God let his family watch him suffer so much? I thought about the many times in the Bible when Jesus boldly healed people who were sick or handicapped, and I wished more than ever before that I had the faith to lay my hand on Joseph and proclaim in Jesus' name "be healed!" From that day on, I prayed every day that God would perform a miracle in his family. Little did I know that the next time I saw him would be when I played piano in front of his casket.

It really challenges my faith to realize that God had answered "no" to the prayers our church had prayed so many times. And it's during times like this that many Christians begin to wonder if God actually exists. But while it's hard to believe in God during such a difficult situation, these are the times when we really have a chance to show Him how much we trust Him. He's God, and I'm not. If I call Him Lord and King, then I can't expect Him say yes to whatever I want as if I'm the one in charge. But the beauty of it all is that because He created everyone and loves everyone with an unfailing love, His will for us is greater than anything we can do on our own. How can I call Him God if I'm able to understand the reasoning behind everything He does? That's why we as Christians need to have faith, especially when things don't go our way.

And it's not faith simply for the sake of having faith. I must have faith in God because He brings me a deep peace and joy that I desperately need in this world filled with problems. When I was eight years old, my father also died of cancer, and in his last days people around him were shocked at how hopeful and joyful he was despite his sufferings. In his body he felt great pain, but when he put his faith in God he found hope beyond this world and peace that make the most difficult time in his life become also the most joyful. For my family, his death seemed like a tragedy we would never get over. But as time passed, we began to understand that even though he's no longer with us, he has left behind all the physical pain he once had to suffer and is now spending eternity in heaven. And that knowledge gave us hope to not only overcome the emotional scars in our hearts, but to use what God has done in our family as a testimony so that others can also be blessed by it.

I pray that In the same way God blessed my family after my father's death, He will bless Joseph's family so that they can live their lives with such great hope and peace. One day, every Christian will be there in paradise with God. I will be reunited with my father again, and Joseph's family will be reunited with him. There will be no more pain, no more worries, no more suffering. Together we will all live forever in the light of God's perfect glory. That's the hope we have in Jesus! Attending the funeral today really brought to focus just how fragile life on earth is. No matter how much we accomplish and earn, we can't run from that day when we'll have to kiss this world goodbye. And we have no control over when that day will come. That's why it's so important to live every moment of our lives as if it's our last. And that's why it's so important to live for God above everything else. "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:38-39).

05/28: It's just starting to hit me that another schoolyear is coming to an end, meaning it will be the end of another year of tutoring for me. I'll still be teaching in the summer (both academics and music, if all goes as planned), but unless a miracle happens, chances are my schedule will be much more free than it is nowadays. Some of my younger (junior high) students are already basically just relaxing for the last couple weeks of school, so my job with them is done until school starts again. It was through saying goodbye to them that I suddenly realized how quickly things will start to wrap up.

Next week is finals week, meaning I'm basically not gonna have a Memorial Day holiday. I still find it strange how the DB/Walnut school district decided to throw finals immediately after the long weekend, meaning students will have no school on Monday, then a gazillion tests on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, then suddenly it will be summer. I assume my students will be spending the majority of this long weekend studying their rear ends off, and I'm volunteering myself to share in their suffering. And honestly, I really enjoy having the privilege of doing so. By this time of the year, I've come to know my students very well, having gone through chapter after chapter of their textbooks together. And knowing how crucial finals are for their grades, I find it natural to want to stick with them until the very end.

The days ahead are definitely gonna be busy, and today's my last day to relax before diving back into the finals-related craziness that has already defined my work in this past week. I know there will be a lot to reflect on regarding this schoolyear, and I'll save that until everything is finished. But it's definitely been a great year, and I want to finish it strong. I pray for energy, patience, and wisdom to do my best and help my students do their best.

05/22: TJ #41 - The Worst Person to Lie to

As I've made clear at the beginning of this time of change, there have been many people who have lied to me, both through words and through actions, both intentionally and accidentally. And I've learned to forgive the people behind those lies, allowing God to heal the wounds so I can continue moving forward. While those lies inevitably have an impact on how much I trust the people who told them, the point is that they have all been resolved in one way or another, either through forgiveness, confrontation, confession, or any combination of those things.

Of course, I'm not saying that I'm blameless when it comes to lying. I have deceived others no less than they have deceived me. And as a Christian I confess that I've also made the stupid mistake of trying to deceive God, even though He knows and sees everything. Lying isn't right to begin with, but when it comes to lying to someone who already knows the truth, it seems to be as much an issue of stupidity as it is one of sin. Yet I still do it anyway, and I believe many other Christians often go through the same struggles.

I recently participated in a small group discussion on 1 John 1:5-10. "God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives."

This passage says it very clearly - there's no such thing as a passive Christian. Claiming to be a Christian and thinking it's okay to keep on sinning is like claiming to be a vegetarian while secretly eating meat. The two lifestyles cannot coexist, unless either one or the other is a lie. To believe that there's nothing wrong with continuing to sin just because I'm already a Christian is, as this passage points out, a declaration that God is a liar. If we really accept Christ as Lord and King over our lives, then we must, despite our imperfections, make our best attempt to live in obedience to Him. His Word is unchanging and His love is unfailing, and no matter how much we try to run from Him, He already knows and sees it all. When I lie to people, I'm (usually) aware that I'm lying and therefore have a chance to straighten things out with the truth. When I lie to God, it's clearly just a useless attempt to cover the uncoverable truth. When I lie to people, they can correct me, and when I lie to God, He loves me enough to guide me on the right path. But there's one person that is the worst to lie to, and that's myself.

I realized that there are two ways I lie to myself. The first is when I force myself to believe that what I know is a lie is actually the truth. It's just like a man who secretly goes to sleep with a friend's wife. He knows it's wrong, and he knows that some people that he loves will be very angry if they find out. In fact, he probably knows that it's hard to keep such a secret and that the truth will probably surface sooner or later. But at that moment, he still manages to force the truth out of his mind and proceed with his actions. Many times I step into sin knowing clearly that it's sinful, but because my mind is already set on putting my will above God's, I begin to twist the truth to justify the lies. I hide my sins as if God will never find out. I assume that because He forgives, He'll forget about it as if nothing ever happened. I take Bible verses completely out of context to justify my own actions and thoughts. And because God already knows and sees everything, I'm actually not lying to Him, but rather to myself.

The second way I lie to myself is to repeatedly tell the same lie so many times that I continue to lie without even realizing it. I know some people who lie so often that they probably don't even realize they're lying anymore. And in the same way, there have been times when I told myself the same lies so many times that I basically assumed they were the truth. This world is full of voices telling us a bunch of lies, and sometimes we repeat those things to ourselves until we begin to believe them. When I was in high school, I believed that good grades and social acceptance defined success, and when I failed to excel in those areas, I was left feeling hopeless. As a Christian I always knew that I would eventually go to heaven and live in paradise with God, but it wasn't until I went to college that I realized God actually values my earthly life and uses it to write His stories. And as many people know, that realization turned my life around. I began to see hope amidst hopelessness and peace amidst chaos, and I started to live my life with passion and purpose. It all happened because I discovered the truth and chose to accept it in place of the lies that had once burdened me.

This time of change itself began as a response to the realization of truth. I realized that the way I loved people was selfish, and that real love only comes from putting God first and allowing Him to change my heart. I also realized that it's not okay to keep swallowing my hurts and pretend to not be affected by them. And so I took action, rejecting the voices that tempted me to continue lying to myself and embracing those that pointed me to the truth. In a world that's filled with lusts and temptations that blur the line between truths and lies, it's important that we seek wisdom to decide which voices are worth listening to. And the key to that wisdom is to fear God (Psalm 9:10). I often noticed that the people who struggle with pride are the same people who don't admit they're being too proud. People who stress and worry too much are often the same people who don't see any other option to face their lives with. Once we manage to lie to ourselves, it's extremely difficult for anyone to correct us. Even God does not force His truth upon anyone, but rather gives us the choice of whether or not to genuinely accept it. That's why it's so dangerous to lie to ourselves, and that's why it's so important that we humble ourselves before God, who created us in His image, and allow His light to shine in our lives and reveal the lies within us.

John continues with saying that "if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him" (1 John 2:5). God's love is the absolute and ultimate truth. The truth is that "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). The truth is that "the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 6:23). The truth is that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28). It is only when we understand these truths that we are fully honest with ourselves. And as John says, only then can we receive the full extent of God's love for us. Whether we're intentionally lying to ourselves or doing so habitually without realizing it, God's truth can reign above those lies, and when we accept that truth, the result is a peace and joy like nothing this world can offer.

This is a very hard topic to write on, because it's hard for anyone to come to such honest terms with God. I write these words as a lesson to myself so that I can make an effort to not be a hypocrite. First, I must humbly come before God and ask Him to check my heart and reveal the lies I've told myself that I'm not even aware of. Upon understanding that God is the ultimate truth, doing so really isn't all that hard. But it's much more difficult to actually make an effort to erase those lies from my head and replace them with the truth. In my stubbornness, sometimes I don't even want to face the truth, even though I know it will satisfy me more than my lies will. But that very realization should prompt me to change. Whether it's with my own struggles against sin, my failure to love people genuinely, or my selfish decisions to place my own will above God's, there are lies I must work hard to stop telling myself. This time of change is all about honesty with myself, and I must continue to seek after God above all else, so that "[I] will know the truth, and the truth will set [me] free" (John 8:32).

05/21: Transformation Journal #40 - God's Way

It's slowly starting to hit me that much of what has pointed me in the right direction as a Christian ever since childhood may eventually be shattered. My church, as I've known it for years, may never be the same again. We've gone through many ups and downs over the years, and growing up there I've seen many people come and go. But I've always chosen to stand up and face the problems rather than run away from them. I've always tried to keep an open mind and see situations from various perspectives. But while many hardships have been worked out, those that remain constantly point back to the underlying problems that are still escalating to this day. I have known that big changes will be taking place, but now it seems like they may come sooner than expected, and I'm still not sure how to feel about them. Is God using these problems to fan a fire of holy discontent inside us so that He can use us for greater things in the future? Are some people's hearts really so hardened by pride that they can't learn unless they fall? Right now, there's only one thing I know for sure - where God leads me, I will go. And I pray that others in the church will also have the wisdom and courage to seek and follow God's way above all else.

I had always believed that a lot of the problems in the church stemmed from misunderstandings among different age groups and cultures - things that can be worked out if everyone is willing to be humble and consider others' opinions. And I wished and prayed from the bottom of my heart that because different people have different visions, and that those visions are all for the purpose of expanding God's kingdom, that there would be a way to maintain unity as a church so that people could help one another fulfill the dreams God has placed in their hearts. But it's becoming more and more clear to me that if things continue the way they are now, perhaps things aren't going to work out as perfectly as I want them to. And because I've been at this church longer than many people have, it makes the decisions I may have to make even more difficult.

As I learn, grow, and fight to live a life that pleases God, I've come to see that the root of our problems isn't the problems themselves, but rather the issues in our hearts that we don't want to deal with. I must point out certain people who hold leadership positions are more concerned about their own success than about doing what's best for the church. And others lead and serve simply because they feel insecure without their titles. I won't mention any names, because my goal is not to condemn anyone, but simply to take a stand for what's right. The church belongs to God, and my prayer is that God will strengthen those who understand that fact and deal with those who refuse to admit it.

I pray especially that even in the midst of chaos and division, God will not let His sheep be scattered. Sheep blindly follow their shepherd because they don't know any better. But let's not forget that even though God is our shepherd, we are so much more to Him than just sheep. We are His children and His friends. We as a church are the body of Christ. So should it not be of great priority to make sure we remain focused on our purpose of giving God glory in all that we do? It breaks my heart each time I realize how seemingly impossible it is to make church truly about worshipping God, even though we all know that's obviously what it is supposed to be about.

I must be careful not to jump to conclusions too quickly. But I'm almost completely certain that if things continue the way they are now, then there will be some tough decisions for me to make. For now, I will continue with my weekly church-related gatherings, but will be doing so with a humble heart and open mind. If I have no other choice, then I will have to pull myself out of some of the Christian circles I'm involved in, and I will have to say goodbye to some people that I've grown up with and have often been encouraged by. But let me make one thing clear - no matter how many options I end up with or how many people tell me to do different things, there's only one way I'm committed to, and that's God's way. If it means I need to get out of my comfort zone and enter a new environment, then so be it. If it means I need to turn to new people to help me grow in faith, then that's exactly what I'll do. I'm praying, very desperately praying, that God will turn this chaos into something that is glorifying to Him. Whatever decisions I make, I will make them according to His will. Wherever He leads me, that's where I will go.

05/18: Golden Triangle 43

Another amazing afternoon in Beverly Hills, filled with surprises. Because my time was limited, I basically ignored all the "target practice" exotics and went straight for the big money. And still, I shot a good $11 million worth of exotics. Among them were a Superleggera, 430 Scuderia, 16M Spider, a two-tone Bentley with the new Mansory kit, and four(!) Californias. Other surprises include an Excalibur and two classic coachbuilt Rolls-Royces that I'm having major trouble identifying. (If anyone's good at figuring those out, please help!) The only disappointment of the trip was in the beginning, when I missed a red Countach(!!). Oh, and did I mention I had lunch right next to an Alfa 8C Competizione?

Anyway, there's a couple cars in particular that made my day. This one was actually spotted when I already left Beverly Hills and was back in LA - but considering I'll probably never see another one of these in my lifetime, I turned back around, and it wasn't until I was in Hollywood that I finally got these shots -

05/16: SNU. I'm tired like crazy after an insanely busy (and awesome) weekend, but it's probably better that I babble off some of that excitement before attempting to go to sleep. Yesterday's UCLA visit was amazing (see previous entry), and today was no less eventful and exciting. To be honest, I almost decided to spend the night at UCLA yesterday, since it was already 2AM and I knew I didn't have to play piano at church this morning. But still I forced myself to drive back home, because there was another great adventure to look forward to immediately after church ended.

After a 5-minute speedlunch (thank God for free food after church!), I went straight to Jeff's house, and we went to Old Town Pasadena to catch the last hour of... *drumroll*... the Concorso Ferrari! I'm a little ashamed to say that this is actually my first time attending a Concorso/Concours/whatever it's called in English, but hey, as a street spotter I've already seen and shot so much crazy stuff that going to a show really didn't seem like that big of a deal anymore, even when there were over 100 Ferraris present. But then again, this Concorso just happened to be on Colorado Boulevard, which meant that at the end of the show, all hundred of those Ferraris actually had to drive off and blend in with everyday traffic. And, sweet Jesus, when the cars took off it was simply phenomenal. Picture something like the Gumball 3000 starting line, complete with police temporarily blocking off "ordinary" traffic. Except when the cars started pouring out onto the streets, they were all Ferraris. Over a hundred of them. If you're bored, try counting how many cylinders (or horsepower) that adds up to.

Even though I've already seen countless 360's and 430's before, it's a whole different experience seeing/hearing so many of them together at the same time. And yes, there were the top-of-the-line supercars too, plus a classic 250 Testa Rossa, a Schumacher Formula 1 car, and dozens of classics I've never even heard of. When's the last time you saw a 246 Dino, two 275 GTB's, and a 250 Tour de France driving together?? As soon as I catch up on sleep, there's gonna be a crapload of video editing to do...

And as for yesterday's car spotting adventure (Golden Triangle 43), in general it wasn't as epic as the previous trip, mainly because I only stayed for half as long. But there were definitely some pleasant surprises. I'll save that for another entry, but for now I'll leave you with a few hints. One particular car attracted crowds of several dozen people at a time, even people who already own "normal" exotic cars. And as I eavesdropped on conversations among people admiring it, the word "million" came up many times... okay, enough clues for now. Goodnight!

05/15: Transformation Journal #39 - Reflections on a Passionate Adventure

I drove down the busy freeways of Los Angeles. I enjoyed a wonderful lunch in Westwood Village. I walked the paths I once walked daily as a college student. I wandered the streets of Beverly Hills and Hollywood for several hours admiring exotic cars. I ate lots of Korean-style fried chicken wings. I spent time with friends that I hadn't seen in months. I attended an incredible Chinese cultural dance performance. I enjoyed an hour-long nighttime walk with a friend. I listened to some friends sing a song they wrote. I learned to bake cookies. I feasted on a homemade pizookie at 1:00 in the morning. And to realize that all this took place in an ordinary Saturday that began with waking up and going to work...

Surely it could not all have happened in a single day. It must have been a dream - an adventurous, intricate, wonderful dream. And the fact that I'm sitting here now in the middle of the night when I should have been in bed hours ago really makes those vivid images seem like they're from a whole different world. My body is exhausted, but my heart beats with excitement. This is what passion feels like, and there are very few things in life that can stir up passion in me like a trip to UCLA can.

Ever since the beginning of this time of change, one of my greatest struggles was concerning the UCLA visits that I had been making regularly for years. What would happen to the relationships that I had invested so much in? How could I fall so deeply in love only to suddenly abandon that love? Would I ever be able to return again the same way I did before? It broke my heart to indefinitely pause the series of visits that had continuously refueled the passion in me ever since my graduation. But I knew I had to do what was right and trust in God to fill my deepest desires. The prerequisites set before my freedom to return seemed nearly impossible, especially because I had absolutely no control over when and how things would work out. But when I surrendered control, God took control. And He never fails to amaze me with the way He writes my life stories. In my heart, it was a great battle between my growing desire to see my friends and my faith that God would plan my return when the time was right. But even when I thought it was impossible, God had a plan in mind. And by His grace and love I was able to return to UCLA today without any compromise for a visit no less eventful and exciting as those of the past.

The changes that have taken place in my life in these past few months served to make the passion in my heart burn even more fervently during today's visit. When I walked, I felt like I was dancing. When I ran, I felt like I was sprinting toward victory. And when I stopped for a moment to absorb my surroundings, the joy inside of me was so strong that words could not even begin to describe it. This was my twentieth time visiting UCLA after I graduated, yet it wasn't about the numbers at all. The focus of this trip wasn't on me, yet I felt so much joy that I couldn't have asked for anything more. This could be my final visit of the school year, and several people I love and care about will no longer be there when I return again. But somehow this trip wasn't about saying goodbye.

Still, I must leave a few words for my friends who are graduating soon. I will never forget the many times when we spoke of our dreams and goals and encouraged one another to move forward, when we laughed and had fun, and when we enjoyed each other's presence just because we could. And the more I think about those times, the more I realize just how much I'm going to miss you. After I graduated, I no longer had the chance to see you on a daily or weekly basis. But with effort, did our friendship not stand the test of time? And did we not learn to cherish the times we had together even more when it became more difficult to see each other? Even though this may seem like a time to say goodbye, I believe it's only the beginning of a new chapter of our friendship, because no matter how far apart we are, if we continue to hold each other in our hearts and make an effort to keep the fire burning, then surely our friendship will continue to stand strong. And I believe that in the same way God has written countless amazing stories in my life, He will lead you on incredible journeys you never thought were possible. It's always been encouraging seeing God's great work in our lives, and I look forward to continuing to walk together as we discover the paths that lie ahead of us.

Each time I return home after such a great adventure, I begin to wonder why it's always so difficult to keep the fire of passion burning strong when I'm at home. Visiting UCLA always brings back memories of my own college years, during which the passion that fueled just about every area of my life never seemed to run dry. I loved being a part of the lives of people around me, and made every effort to spend time with my friends to make sure that those friendships would last even after I graduate. Looking back now after having learned so much during this time of change, I admit that sometimes I chased after those relationships for the wrong reasons. But today I returned to UCLA with the intention of letting God take control and putting my love for my friends above myself, and in the end, what amazed me most isn't that things went surprisingly better than planned, but rather that the passion in my heart has actually grown. And that testifies that surely my commitment to my friends at UCLA is a part of an amazing story that God is writing in my life.

I admit that this time of change hasn't been easy so far, and when I'm by myself it's extremely difficult to motivate myself to do things the way I would have done them when I was in college. But life was never intended to be boring and ordinary, because God created every one of us with amazing plans for our lives. And that's why we all need passion. When passion burns in my heart, I feel like nothing is impossible. When passion fuels my life, everything becomes more meaningful and worthwhile. And I praise God for using today's UCLA trip to fill my heart with that very passion. Even though my heart has changed significantly in these past few months, the way I feel after returning home from UCLA is still the same, if not stronger. What a blessing it is to have spent so many years of my life in a place that fills my heart with inspiring passion! What a blessing it is to have crossed paths with so many amazing people and remain friends for all these years! The way God intricately wrote every detail of my life at UCLA and continues the story after my graduation never ceases to amaze me. And I wish and pray that all my friends who are graduating will find that same faith and peace that has helped me conquer countless obstacles since my own graduation. As for me, I pray to never forget the way I feel right now, so that it can inspire me to keep moving forward even when I'm alone. I praise God for everything that has taken place today, as well as all that had paved the way for them beforehand and all that will come as a result. May His will continue to be done!

05/09: Mother's Day Party

I doubt there are any mothers that are reading this, but just in case I'm wrong, Happy Mother's Day!! Just like last year's Mother's Day, we decided to have a huge dinner party courtesy of us siblings and cousins - Carol, Steph, Ben, Howard, and I. And since Aunt Amy's birthday is tomorrow, we decided to celebrate that as well, and the result is one huge delicious festive family dinner. It's during times like this that I feel especially blessed to have such an awesome (extended) family that lives closeby. How else would we be able to pull off something like this? (I'll put up pictures when I have time).

After yesterday's cultural event (see previous entry) and today's party, it's finally time to rest. That's why I'm writing this random entry before going to sleep. If everything goes as planned, next weekend is going to be just as eventful as this one, and I hope things work out well as the details solidify throughout the week. For now, let's just say that I'll get to see several people I haven't seen in a very long time, and I'll finally get to put my 8GB camera memory card to good use!

05/08: Transformation Journal #38 - Let Hacienda Heights Shine

Everyone who goes to GCCI probably knows about our "Let Hacienda Heights Shine" campaign, a series of five activities and events with the purpose of blessing and serving the city our church is located in. Today marks the end of the final event - a huge "cultural event" at Steinmetz Park featuring food, games, vendors, and live performances, all for the purpose of raising money for local schools heavily affected by budget cuts. And after an exhausting afternoon and evening that will probably leave me feeling sore for several days, I'm actually feeling great right now. I guess I can thank the six-pack that Ken and I treated ourselves to as a nice way to conclude a busy day of work. But in all honesty, all of us who participated in today's event in one way or another should feel very content right now. After countless hours of planning, organizing, setting up, running the event, and cleaning up, we finally did it. And no matter what it took to get this far, all that matters now is that we actually made it.

I know and definitely don't deny that our church has lots of problems. It's not that other churches are perfect, but because I've been at this church for so many years, I'm able to see our problems very clearly. And I know that many of these problems became more evident than ever when it came to trying to get the whole church involved in this event. Some leaders made decisions that were less than wise, while others struggled with making their voices heard when they had better ideas. And there were definitely many things today that could have been improved and problems that could have been avoided if the right people were chosen to do the right tasks at the right time. In these past few weeks, I had the chance to talk with several people who played major roles in planning this event, and I got a glimpse of the stress they were facing as the date came closer. All I could do was pray every day that God would give them strength to continue pouring their hearts into making this event successful in ways that are glorifying to Him.

Let's be honest, at this time yesterday most of us were still quite skeptical that the event would be anywhere near successful, simply because there were so many factors that were beyond our control. But having seen the way things turned out at the end, I want to encourage everyone who participated and let you know that you did a great job. Sure, we didn't raise nearly as much money as we had hoped to donate to the public schools, and it would have been great if more people actually showed up. And as much as I hate to admit it, I wouldn't exactly be surprised if certain leaders will actually attempt to blame others for the things that didn't go as well as planned. But I wish and pray that all who had a part in today's event will feel confident that they have done something good, because God saw all the effort put into making this event happen and will reward His people accordingly.

After the event ended, the manager of the park came and told us that he was amazed at how organized we were in trying to accomplish the daunting tasks of disassembling dozens of tents, getting several truckloads of tables and other equipment off the field, and cleaning up the remains of each booth. He even told us that he would mention positive things about us to the city officials and that we are welcome to use the park to host future activities in the future. Is it not our goal to build a positive relationship with the residents and officials of Hacienda Heights? Sometimes we Christians make the big mistake of thinking that people should automatically respect us just because we're doing something good for others. But do we do good so that we can be recognized, or so that God can be glorified? Today, I believe that through the effort we put into this event and the love and respect we showed to the park, the police, and the city in general, we really demonstrated that the big letters J-E-S-U-S displayed on the stage weren't there to make us feel proud, but rather to show everyone the source of the love that dwells in our hearts.

One thing our church has always struggled with is maintaining unity, largely because of the gaps between different cultures and age groups that make it extremely difficult to successfully hold any events together. But today, I witnessed the power of unity as I walked through the park checking out each booth. Volunteers of every age group were present, and the English, Chinese, and Spanish congregations all gave important contributions from food to games to performances. There were even booths run by volunteers from other churches. Musicians and dancers offered great performances on the stage. Storeowners donated products to sell at the booths. People contributed according to their God-given abilities, careers, and desires, whether it was carrying heavy equipment, making music, keeping the park safe, or simply buying the available food and goods. Christians from various cities saw an opportunity to give God glory through volunteering their time, energy, and money for a good cause and responded actively. In the end, it wasn't about each person, company, or church getting recognized for their good deeds, but rather about accomplishing a common goal that glorifies God and helps those in need. Isn't that exactly the way God intends the church to be? I think this is as close as I've ever been to getting a glimpse of the early church in Acts, and I pray that such love and unity will continue to inspire me, as well as everyone else who witnessed it.

Perhaps some people feel disappointed because they didn't sell as many items from their booths as they had hoped to. It's always a little disheartening to pour out so much into a good cause and fail to meet expectations. But let's focus on the big picture. If we're raising money for the schools as an act of worship to God, do we not believe that God has the power to bring in money according to His will? The God we worship is the same God who can turn water into wine, make manna fall from the sky to take care of His people, and feed five thousand men with only five loves of bread and two fish. Is He not powerful enough to care for the needs of a few schools that are struggling financially? As long as we have done our parts, we can be confident that the rest is in God's hands. Today's event may not have successful by certain standards, but if we remember that our purpose is ultimately to worship God, then there is no doubt that our effort has led to a great success.

Amidst the many things that I participated in at the park today, one moment truly stood out to me. I was standing quietly by myself when the band on stage began to play and sing a familiar song. "You're the God of this city, You're the King of these people, You're the Lord of this nation... You're the light in this darkness, You're the hope to the hopeless, You're the peace to the restless... There is no one like our God. Greater things have yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this city." At that moment, my heart was filled with peace and joy, for I knew without doubt that God has seen all of our hard work and will indeed bless the city of Hacienda Heights. Our "Let Hacienda Heights Shine" campaign may be over, but our role in blessing and serving the city for God's glory has just begun. Christianity is an active lifestyle, and it's not enough to just jump out of our comfort zones a few times a year. Instead, we must go out and love our neighbors on a day to day basis, whether it's through our individual interactions with people or through big churchwide events. Through today's event, we have gained many valuable experiences, and the positive relationships we have established will certainly open doors for God to use us in new ways. Being a Christian was never supposed to be about how much money we raise for the needy or how many people we convert, but rather humbling ourselves before our loving God and allowing Him to use us according to His will. Many seeds have been planted through today's event, as well as the previous activities in this campaign, and even though we may not see them now, if we continue to let God lead the way then those seeds will definitely grow and multiply. I praise God for all that He has done so far through our church, and look forward to letting Him continue to use us to bless our neighbors for His glory.

05/06: Transformation Journal #37 - Daily Love

I'm in the middle of another one of those phases in which I have trouble motivating myself to wake up in the morning, probably because I haven't been sleeping well at night. There were several mornings last week when I found myself either lying in bed letting time waste away or spending hours sitting here in front of the computer doing absolutely nothing. And everyone who knew me in college knows that I hate being lazy and wasting time. I knew there was so much I needed to get done, and a lot of those things are actually fun too, but when it came time do to them, I simply couldn't get myself to take action. One thing I make sure I do every day is pray - for myself, for my family, and for all the people I commit to praying for on a daily basis. But I've always had a habit of saving that until I'm about to go to sleep at night. I guess it feels nice knowing I end each day by talking to God.

A lot of people have told me over the years that it's important to spend time with God in the morning so I can "start off the day right". I've always dismissed that idea, thinking instead that because God is always present, it doesn't matter if I spend time with Him in the morning or at night. Sometimes I would read the Bible in the morning when I felt like it, and I've recently developed a habit of keeping an additional Bible or devotional book in the car so I can use the random little bits of free time I have during work to do something productive. But somehow, all those little random bits added together still didn't feel enough. There was one morning last week when I randomly found myself asking God, "why is it so important to spend time with You in the morning?" Sometimes it really amazes me how quickly and clearly God answers.

Immediately a scenario popped up in my mind. A husband wakes up in the morning to find his wife is already awake, and he walks right past her without saying a word. Then he goes to the kitchen expecting to see breakfast ready on the table. If it's not there, then he asks his wife to make it, and if it's there, he thanks her for it, but only casually so that he can enjoy his meal without fearing that she would complain about his silence. Is that really what love is supposed to look like on a daily basis?

It's not hard to point out the problems in this picture. Yet if I truly claim to love God, how can I let my relationship with Him so closely resemble this scenario? Shouldn't lovers wake up each morning and acknowledge each other's presence with at least a simple "hello"? Shouldn't love prompt them to appreciate one another rather than take each other for granted? Every morning when I wake up, I'm blessed with so many things - the house I live in, the family that cares so much for me, my job, and yes, even all the free time I have in the morning (since my work starts in the afternoon). But I take all those things for granted, and simply assume God will keep providing them for me day after day. He loves me so much, yet I respond by ignoring His presence and expecting Him to continue to bless me. And love is not something that can be hoarded for oneself, but rather something that must be given away, both to the giver and to others.

Another scenario popped up in my head. If the same husband and wife both have very busy work schedules, so busy that their daily conversations are no more than a morning greeting and a "good night" before bed, then isn't their relationship bound to run dry? I've always believed that time is one of the greatest expressions of love, because it's something that can't be bought back. Certainly the husband and wife should occasionally set apart at least an hour or two to spend quality time together so that their jobs do not overshadow their love. I have no doubt that God is always present in my life, but not once throughout the day did He really become my highest priority. I spent my mornings being lazy, my afternoons working, and my late nights relaxing in front of the computer, and it's no surprise that when it was finally time to pray before going to bed, it felt like more of a chore than an expression of love. Love is something that can't always wait until tomorrow. Love shouldn't only be expressed when I feel like it or after I've completed everything else on my to-do list. In fact, love should be the fuel behind everything I do, because what is the purpose of a life without love? No matter how many things I occupy my daily life with, if I truly love God then it is crucial that I set time apart to spend with Him every day without any distractions.

That's exactly why I'm writing these words now on a Thursday morning. Upon picturing the two scenarios last week, I not only realized many of the flaws in my relationship with God, but also found the answers to my questions of why my life often feels cluttered and directionless. And I knew that something had to be done to make things right. So this week I decided to discipline myself to begin my free time each morning by spending quality time with God, which involves reading scripture, praying, and other things including writing journals like this that help me reflect on my relationship with Him. And only after that can I proceed with the other things I occupy my mornings with. When I begin each day by being rooted in God's love, I find more motivation to do all the things that I was originally too lazy to do, because I am constantly reminded that God is with me.

When it comes time to go to bed each night, I still find it a little strange to not have a huge checklist of things to pray for, since I have already prayed for them in the morning. But that freedom only makes me want to fall on my knees even more. No longer is my time with God at night a burden, but rather it has become an opportunity to reflect on the day and give Him praise. I tell Him I love Him, say sorry for the things I've done wrong, and enjoy being in His presence after a busy day. And in doing so, each day concludes just as definitively as it begins. Isn't that how real love is supposed to be?

05/02: Transformation Journal #36 - A Growing Discontent

The more I understand what it means to worship God, the more I love going to church on Sunday morning. Each time I go, I'm reminded of how blessed I am to know so many people who care about me and to have so many opportunities to give God glory through musical worship, fellowship, and countless other things. But today something really bothers me, and the more I think about it the more I realize that it is not because I'm annoyed by it, but rather because something deep inside tells me things just aren't supposed to be this way.

Sure, every church has its problems, and I'm really not here to complain about those things. The truth is that whether we're preaching, leading worship, picking up trash in the sanctuary, or simply attending Sunday service, if we really want to do it to glorify God then we must mean it from our hearts. And with so many distractions in our lives, not to mention our tendency to sin, it's nearly impossible for us to always maintain that perfect attitude. I know I mess up all the time, and I'm sure I'm speaking for many others. That's exactly why we need each other. And that's why I pushed myself into this time of change in the first place. I realized that my understanding of fellowship was flawed and selfish, and the discontent in my heart told me things had to change, no matter what it would cost me. If I wanted to see the church grow, the community strengthened, and God glorified, then I must mean it from my heart. And no matter what everyone else at church was doing, I had to start making change happen by changing myself first.

Of course, it was clear to me from the very beginning that the first chapter of this time of change would have to end sooner or later. If being Christian means I should isolate myself from people like a monk, then Jesus wouldn't have spent so much of his time loving others. And even Jesus, as he was overwhelmed with sorrow before his arrest to be crucified, asked his closest companions to keep watch with him (Matthew 26:36-38). In the same way, we as Christians need to surround ourselves with other believers so that "as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another" (Proverbs 27:17).

The discontent in my heart now is directed toward some of the people I consider my closest companions, with whom I have entrusted a mutual desire to see one another grow in faith. But first, let me make it very clear that my intention is definitely not to say that I cannot be good friends with people who do not share my faith or my priorities. My friends will always be my friends, no matter what they believe and don't believe. And even though in the past I've sometimes made friends for the wrong reasons, I still believe it's a miracle every time two people meet and become part of each other's life stories, and if you're my friend then I'll make every effort to cherish that friendship. But I also believe that no matter what paths we choose to take in life, it's important that our closest companions are those who can strengthen us in those paths. One of my biggest hobbies is photographing exotic cars, so I make friends with people who share the same hobby and invite them to car shows so we can fuel one another's interest. Since I studied music in college and wish to become a successful musician, it's important that I make friends with other musicians so we can help one another develop our talents and become successful. If our hobbies and career choices can play a role in the friends we choose, then doesn't it make sense that our faith and our beliefs on eternity - things that should define the way we live our lives - are crucial in determining the people we should be closest with?

That's exactly where my discontent comes in. I really hate to admit this, but I've come to the conclusion that many of the people I consider my closest companions are simply not living up to my standards. And I have very high standards, especially for my closest, Christian friends, and even more for those who hold leadership positions in the church. This is not because I'm being selfish, but because God commands us to build one another up. And right now, that definitely isn't happening as much as it should be. Even though the church is full of problems, we cannot use it as an excuse to not put our hearts into it, because no matter how hard we pray, things aren't gonna change unless we're willing to do something about it. The real change begins in our hearts, and I know this is true because when I decided to quit complaining about all the crap happening in my life and let God take control, my own heart was changed. And now my heart breaks for the people around me who seem to care so much about the church but are unwilling to take that first step.

I know and confess that I often struggle with thinking negatively and bitterly about people when they frustrate me. And I've prayed countless times throughout the day that in my frustration I will not sin. But it's becoming increasingly clear to me that what I'm feeling now is not the kind of frustration I get when people are inconsiderate or do little things that annoy me. This frustration comes from deep inside my heart, because I know that things simply can't go on this way. And if there's even a hint of selfishness motivating me to say these things, it's only because I'm so eager to grow in my relationship with God that I simply cannot stand being pulled back by the very people that should be pushing me forward.

To be honest, I've seen these problems with these same people for a long time already. But somehow I'd always convinced myself that it's not a big deal, and looking back now I see that it's because I didn't think seeking God's will was that big of a deal either. Is God taking me through this time of change so I can return with a new set of eyes and view these things with a new attitude of holy discontent? How can the people who are in a position to strengthen me in my faith consistently fail to set their own priorities straight? I believe God expects them - especially those who claim to want to be involved in some sort of ministry - to at least make a good effort to strengthen their own relationships with Him. The Bible says it very clearly - "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you" (Matthew 7:7). And we simply can't go on praying that God will make everything perfect if we're not even willing to come to the door and knock. If these problems break my heart, then how much more does it break God's heart?

By now, the discontent has already become so strong that I find myself with only two options - either work up the guts to do something and fix this situation, or honestly think about whether my closest friends should really be my closest friends. It breaks my heart to have to consider such things, and just as I wish that my friends will always be my friends, I pray that my closest friends will always be my closest friends. But unless I can find strength to help turn the situation around, I'm afraid I have no choice but to find some new people to call my closest companions. I've always struggled with finding courage to be honest and stand for what's right. But where can I find that strength when I struggle to find people who can lead me first? Much of the things God does in a person's life can only be accomplished through other people, and right now, I'm desperate to find those people.

Just as I was moved deeply by God on the night I first committed myself to this time of change, I now feel a strong prompting telling me things can't go on the way they are anymore. My heart hungers for genuine friendships that will bring me closer to God rather than make me feel alone as a committed follower of Christ, and no matter what it's going to cost me, it simply must be done. In this sea of discontentment, I still haven't figured out exactly what to do. All I can do now is fall on my knees and humble myself before God. He's the one that has brought me this far, and He's the reason this journey is still continuing. May His will continue to be done.