12/28: This is it. The one-week countdown has already begun; before this week is over, I will have completed the daily routine of going to and from work for the last time after doing so for over four years. I feel like I'm riding on a runaway train headed straight for a cliff. But I know that when I reach the cliff, I'll jump confidently, and God will catch me and carry me on wings like eagles. It may be a rough ride, but it will lead me on an exciting journey to places I never thought I could go.

If there's anything I learned from this transitional journey so far, it's to have faith. And never before in my life have I had this much faith, especially given how seemingly disastrous the near future may be. In the past, I've approached God in two different ways during times of need. The first, most clearly demonstrated in my quest to become a music major in college, was by first getting clear signs and confirmation about where I'm headed, then trusting Him to help me overcome the hurdles to get there. The second, demonstrated in my college applications and the prayers that led to both my past job as a tutor and my current office job, was by knowing mentally that He is able to do miracles but ultimately doubting His power in my life's dire circumstances. In the end, He always proved Himself faithful.

Four years ago when I got this office job, I experienced God's provision in a way so sudden and so miraculous that, even though I had previously doubted Him, I was left certain that He is all-powerful. I felt so blessed that I couldn't help but proclaim His greatness to just about everyone around me. In the weeks that came, I saw more and more of God's blessings through my new job, and was so overwhelmed that at times I had to pull over on my way home and let the uncontrollable tears of joy fall from my eyes before I could proceed with driving. So heavy was the joy that I even begged God to stop blessing me because I was too undeserving. As I had learned from my previous job as a tutor, worldly blessings from God are still, as with everything else in this world, temporary, and it would be wrong of me to idolize any gift and place it above the Giver Himself. God gave me my office job as a blessing four years ago, and now it's time to let it go and put my faith in the Giver above my desire for gifts.

That's how I have my faith today. God had proven Himself so faithful in the past that I have no reason to doubt His faithfulness in the present and future. Never before have I approached such great uncertainty with such confidence, but the more I look back at how God has blessed and provided for me throughout my life, the more certain I am that He will continue to bless and provide for me, and also for my relationship with Tiffany. And I'm not ashamed to let people know my struggles, because only by first knowing my struggles will they then see the extent of God's power, provision, and love. May His will continue to be done.

12/27: Today was supposed to be one of those crazy days in which I wake up at ridiculously early hours, especially for a Saturday morning, and get my butt down to Irvine just to check out some nice cars. Several weeks ago, rumors began to circulate that the increasingly famous Cars & Coffee Irvine gathering was going to be shut down by the end of the year, and that today would be the final event. But it wasn't until a few days prior to last Saturday's gathering that some well-known websites posted official information of the event's coming demise. And the world went crazy. Everybody and their mothers decided to show up, and what was already an epic weekly gathering grew to uncontrollable proportions, with the parking lot across the street belonging to a new hotel also packed with cars and spectators and additional police units called in to form makeshift crosswalks and make sure nobody died or got hurt in the automotive pandemonium. So large was the turnout that the organizers were forced to issue an official letter stating that the final event, which should have taken place this morning, would be cancelled. I had considered going to last week's meet before rushing to fulfill other plans for the day, but decided to skip it in favor of attending what should have been the grand finale, only to discover that night that I had missed my last opportunity to attend what is unquestionably the most significant weekly car meet in history. Sure, I can't complain about some extra Saturday morning beauty rest. But I won't deny that the absence of a proper goodbye leaves me feeling quite empty.

So what makes this Cars & Coffee gathering so legendary? For starters, the difference between "meets" and "shows" is that meets are casual gatherings open to public (without admission) where anyone can bring a car to display, check out other people's cars, and mingle with others of the same interest. There are probably thousands of small local meets, often focused on a specific type of car (import tuners, hot rods, etc.). But Cars & Coffee Irvine, which grew out of a smaller weekly meet in Crystal Cove, was often celebrated for the great diversity of cars present, and became so well-known that it inspired many similar meets across the country over the years. I can never forget my first time attending the gathering back in August of 2007. I chose that day because of an epic national gathering of Ford GT owners. A total of 97 GT's showed up, along with so many other exotics that, for the first time, I had to let dozens of photo-worthy cars pass me by so I could save my camera's battery life for the most significant ones. About a year and a half later, I returned to Irvine to catch a gathering of legendary Ferrari supercars - a 288 GTO, an F40, an F50, and two Enzos. Over the years, I've attended Cars & Coffee almost two dozen times, sometimes to catch a special appearance and other times just to enjoy a spontaneous display of cars.

There's really never a bad day at Cars & Coffee (unless, of course, you decide to show up when it's pouring). Even an unexciting turnout would be enough to leave most car fanatics speechless. The event became so well-known that some manufacturers used it to debut their newest cars or even show off some concept cars. Where else (other than expensive concourse events) can you catch concept cars driving by their own power under natural sunlight? I've been blessed with opportunities to see several such rare vehicles, including the Ford Atlas, the Nissan IDx concepts, and the Jaguar CX-75. (Others have seen the Maybach Exelero, the Toyota FT-1, and several other concepts). I also witnessed the first public U.S. showings of the Lamborghini Aventador, the McLaren MP4-12C, and the BAC Mono. Sometimes, friends or clubs would organize their own gatherings within Cars & Coffee, including a display of four Bugatti Veyrons and a flood of over 30 Nissan GT-R's. The meet, which had met weekly at its Irvine location for seven years, was an event that any car-loving visitor from across the world would list as one of their top destinations in So-Cal.

So why the sudden demise? To put it simply, it has grown too big for its own good. That's the problem with Crystal Cove, Supercar Sunday (at its former location), and any meet that grows to such large proportions. Months ago, Cars & Coffee had already begun enforcing guidelines of which cars were show-worthy and which cars belonged in the spectator lot. The guidelines, specifically that no modern cars with four doors would be allowed, drew lots of criticism, and unsurprisingly so. (Apparently a two-door Civic would be allowed, but a Rolls-Royce Phantom would be rejected?) I have to give the organizers credit, though, for doing what they had no choice but to do. There was simply no way to draw a fair fine line, and without rules things were bound to get out of hand. Unfortunately, they were not able to control the fact that, with more apartments being built nearby, not to mention a new hotel right across the street, an increasing number of people began issuing noise complaints. Honestly, as much as I love cars, I wouldn't want to be rudely woken up every single Saturday at 6AM. Also, another problem - with so many spectators present, people began flooding out onto the streets to take pictures, causing a safety hazard and attracting negative attention from local police, who often sent a unit or two to stand guard at the exit. Despite clear signs advising drivers to not do anything stupid or illegal, many spectators constantly chant at drivers tempting them to do burnouts, further attracting negative attention from law enforcement. Nobody wanted to admit this, but those who have attended Cars & Coffee regularly knew that sooner or later it would explode from being too big.

So what happens now? With the event off the map, countless car fanatics and owners must look for new ways to enjoy their Saturday mornings. (Apparently sleep isn't a top priority...). There are number of new smaller weekly meets taking place, and only time will determine their success. As for the official rebirth of C&C, John and Linda, who have faithfully organized the gathering every week for the past seven years, are planning on taking a well-deserved break, so someone else will have to step in and carry the baton. And even if someone actually does, it will be difficult to find a suitable location given all the factors that must be taken into consideration.

Based on how things look now, this is the end of an incredible chapter. Special thanks to John and Linda for sacrificing so much time and energy over the years to keep Cars & Coffee Irvine alive and growing. Because of their faithful hard work, the world of automotive gatherings has forever been changed. I wish them the best of luck in their future endeavors and hope that those with the means will keep the spirit of Cars & Coffee Irvine alive in the weeks, months, and years to come.

12/23: Sometimes, the journey of trusting in God is just crazy. Over the past few years, Tiffany and I have faced my challenges that have helped us grow stronger in our relationship. Ever since we got engaged and began planning our wedding and preparing for marriage, the challenges have increased, and so has our growth. At this point there is more uncertainty awaiting us in the near future than we ever expected to face together, so please pray for peace, faith, and wisdom as we continue trusting in God. We know that marriage is ultimately a Biblical institution, and while the way people view and define marriage has changed dramatically over time, we strive to make our marriage, just like our dating relationship, one that pleases God and is centered around fulfilling His purposes. And in doing so we know that God is constantly leading us, just as He always has been, according to His will and in His perfect timing. Our struggles now may seem highly unfortunate or untimely, but we believe that God is teaching us a lesson of greatest importance - to have faith in Him regardless of circumstances. What better way to prepare for spending the rest of our lives together? After all, every marriage will have its share of challenges, and the most important thing is to establish a firm and common foundation on which we can always stand. I praise God for all His blessings past, present, and future, and look forward to what this journey has in store for us.

12/17: It's easy to look back and start doubting whether my decision to leave my job was really from God. After all, by the world's standards it simply makes no sense. It really makes no sense to me either. But that's exactly how I know that it must have been God. Leaving a place I've worked at daily for over four years is definitely a little sad. But to be honest, ever since I made the decision to do so, I felt much happier, both at work and outside of work. Just about every day in the office confirms that my decision is right. First, I've been so busy working with basically no break in the past four years that I've pretty much forgotten what it's like to find real physical and emotional rest. (I could have used my vacation days a lot more frequently, but the nature of the industry simply makes small vacations more tiresome than fun and restful. I'll write more about that some other time...) Also, the fact that I'm in a place where my weaknesses are so blatantly put on the spot and my strengths are so blatantly shot down makes it more clear than ever before that my best option now is to break the chains that have been holding me down and find a more suitable place to be. In all honesty, at the rate things are going now, I'll probably end up in some kind of insane asylum (and maybe pull a few other poor souls in with me as well) before I find any sign of success in this job.

Sometimes I really feel like a jerk. Actually, I feel like a jerk basically every day. When I'm able to think clearly, I try my best to be friendly, helpful, approachable, encouraging, humble, and forgiving when interacting with those around me. But when standing at the brink of insanity, it's nearly impossible to avoid the temptation to sacrifice all other priorities in favor of self-defense. I hate being a jerk, and I know others hate it when I'm a jerk too. I've tried many ways to improve things, but honestly speaking, just like in all other aspects of this job, my attempts to do anything good, even with four years of experience, get shattered before they come anywhere close to fruition. And with that in mind, the fact that my days are numbered only serves as a light at the end of the tunnel that outshines my fears of future uncertainties.

As for what the next step will be, I have a few options to consider, though I'm still open to just about anything. I continue holding on to the knowledge that if I do my best both in seeking God's will and in physically taking action, then I can have no doubt that God will do His part as well. I believe that music is my ultimate career goal in the long run, but I don't know when the right door will open. For now, I'm actively pressing on in putting together a music portfolio, as well as pursuing another non-music-related job. And regardless of which path (if not both simultaneously) God eventually leads me toward, I trust that He is sovereign and in complete control.

12/11: Moses had a very tough job when it came to leading the Israelites in the desert. Despite witnessing great miracles when God delivered them from Egypt, experiencing His daily provision of manna, and being warned many times not to have any idols, the people quickly went astray, and Moses' precious time in God's presence was interrupted by news that they had begun worshiping the golden calf that Aaron, who he had trusted to lead the people in his absence, helped them build. Stuck between a rightfully angry God and a people that he was both compassionate toward and frustrated at, Moses had an endless list of important issues to pray for. If I were in his shoes, I would have probably begged God to either make me stronger as a leader or make the people much more inclined to obey His commands without turning away. Or I would have responded in selfish anger, turning my back on the people and developing a false sense of self-righteousness that focuses on my favorable standing with God rather than my failure to lead the people.

But Moses had a completely different prayer, and a very profound one too. "Teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you" (Exodus 33:13). In a time of such distress, he simply prayed to know God more. In fact, he later said confidently to God, "If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here" (33:15). He knew that the awareness of God's character and presence would be enough to carry him through any challenge that he was called to face.

God's response to Moses's prayer was affirming, comforting, and encouraging. "My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest" (33:14). As I recently studied at BSF, "rest" doesn't refer to good sleep (which is definitely a good thing too), but rather contentment from knowing that God is in control, resulting in strength to walk faithfully in all circumstances. God revealed as much of His glory to Moses as he could see and still live, and He proclaimed His unchanging attributes (34:5-7), granting Moses' request to know Him more . When the Tent of Meeting was immaculately completed as God commanded, His glory filled the tabernacle in the form of a cloud. That cloud would be the Israelites' constant guide both day and night as they continued their journey.

Whenever the cloud lifted, the Israelites got up and set out. Whenever it settled, they encamped. When the could moved or how long it moved (or didn't move) was beyond their control, but they remained fully obedient (Numbers 9:15-23). As one who desires control over my own life, I can relate to how many of the Israelites must have struggled when walking without knowing how far they would have to walk or camping without knowing when they would suddenly be prompted to move again. But through their obedience, they must have come to see more and more that while some stops are surprisingly short and others are painfully long, each day and place was part of God's sovereign plan to lead them to the Promised Land.

In my life now, a cloud that has settled for a very long time is about to lift. After a little over four years, I have decided last week to resign from my position at Agape Shipping by the end of this year. I had known since over half a year ago that I would eventually leave the job to pursue career opportunities more fit for my personality and interests, but recently the worsening Los Angeles port congestion (which everyone working in a shipping-related business is well aware of) made it even more clear that the freight forwarding business is not only uninteresting to me as a long-term life goal, but also unfit for personal my strengths and weaknesses. It has shown very clearly in my performance and also affects the rest of the company. After a good talk with my boss, who I also know personally outside of work, we both came to agree that my resignation would be beneficial both for the company and for me.

Now let me address the elephant in the room - yes, I'm getting married next summer, and this is quite possibly the dumbest time to be unemployed. But I'm not the kind of person who makes decisions - especially big ones like this - without first taking time to consider my options. I remember summer of last year when I wondered for some time if I should consider other career paths. An unexpected conversation with my boss, in which I said some things I normally don't have the courage and wisdom to say, left me certain that God wanted me to stay where I was and continue growing through the challenges I was facing. In the same way, this most recent conversation led me to say things that I knew did not simply come from me. I was, and still am, greatly at peace with my decision to leave. In fact, I was given the option of staying longer until I can secure a new job, but I voluntarily gave it up. I know my tendency to fear taking risks and settle instead for less than the best, and I believe that my departure from this job, along with the responsibilities of marriage, will give me the motivation to do more than I can imagine now. When the cloud moves, I must also move, trusting that God will guide me as I obey Him wholeheartedly.

Uncertainty is certainly frightening. I'm very thankful for everyone, including Tiffany, who is supportive of my decision and praying beside me for God's guidance. And guidance is exactly what I need, since I have no idea what direction to take next. As far as I can see now, music is a long-term goal, and I don't know if this is the time when God will open doors for me in the area He has gifted me in and made me most passionate for. As for another office job, I'm open to trying just about anything, though a greater awareness of my personal strengths and weaknesses should give me an idea what to avoid. Most people go through several jobs in their lifetime, and I believe each job, whether long-term or short-term, is a learning experience and stepping stone in the road of life, just as each stop in the Israelites' journey taught them to deepen their faith in God as they head toward the Promised Land. My prayer now is the same as Moses' - God, teach me Your ways so I may know You more. Whether or not I know what the future holds, I ask simply for your presence, because that alone is enough. I trust that You will lead me, and I will only go where Your presence will be. May Your presence go with me and give me rest.

12/03: If you've ever met my mom, you would agree that she is a great person to be around. She is friendly, welcoming, loving, and full of joy and wisdom. Many people, including family members, friends, and members of church groups she has led over the years, turn to her for advice, and even if it's regarding something she cannot relate to, she listens humbly, thinks with an open mind, focuses on God's Word, speaks with respect and integrity, and offers incredibly wise counsel that leaves people both challenged and encouraged. Those who know my family's background also know that Mom is very brave, having stood strong for so many years after Dad's passing left her with two kids to raise alone in an unfamiliar country. There is no question that Dad's absence will always bring tears to our eyes every once in a while. But God has proven Himself faithful in not only helping her overcome a seemingly impossible hardship, but also helping her grow into a strong and wise leader who has impacted the lives of many people, including those who have faced similar hardships.

I recently had the chance to chat with Mom about her marriage relationship with Dad as part of a parental questionnaire for the pre-marital counseling Tiffany and I have been attending, and was greatly surprised to hear her say that she had always wanted to play the role of a follower in their marriage, allowing Dad to take the lead and make the decisions while she stood by his side as a supporter. At first, her words seemed to contradict what I know about her; how could someone with the personality of a follower become such a great leader? But soon it all began to make sense, and when we ended our chat, I was blessed with the opportunity to pray for her and encourage her with the realization I had come to.

Mom is not a great leader because she was born and raised with the right personality or qualifications. Nor is she a weak leader because she has the personality of a follower. Instead, she is a great leader because she is first a great follower. It lines up perfectly with what I've been learning at BSF this year - Moses, leader of the Israelites, responded to God's initial calling (in the burning bush) in fear, stating that he was not a good speaker and asking God to choose someone else to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, even after running out of good excuses. It was not with his own qualifications that he became a strong leader, but rather with a willingness to trust faithfully in God and depend humbly on Him. In the same way, Mom, though she never saw herself as a leader (or wanted to become one), experienced God's provision and wisely chose to put her trust in Him, letting Him raise her to become a great leader.

As for me, I've learned by following Mom's example to live a simple life and appreciate small blessings. I don't pray for excessive amounts of money, luxuries, or success, but instead simply for financial stability. I don't pray for a huge house or an expensive car, but instead simply for the means with which to enjoy a safe and comfortable life. I don't pray to be wealthier or more successful than others, but rather simply to be a capable provider for my current and future families. And when I pray, I often acknowledge that God knows and only intends to do what's best for His children in the long run. Such prayers sure seem a lot more God-centered than the prayers of those focused primarily on their own worldly gain, right?

Recently I was strongly convicted of how my "humble" prayers may not be so God-centered after all. When I ask for a stable job, a comfortable life, and a confident identity as a provider, my innermost desire is that my life will ultimately be free of devastating troubles. My deepest hope is that if anything goes wrong, I will have accumulated enough to fall back comfortably on my own accomplishments. In fact, looking back now, I see that I've always had a habit of saving money without really knowing what I'm saving up for. It all boils down to wanting to be self-sufficient and find security in things within my control. In other words, my prayer is ultimately to remove God from my life and depend on myself.

It sounds harsh, but it's true. This is the idolatry that God told Moses so many times to warn the Israelites against. And because God - the only source of true contentment - knows and intends to do what's best in the long run, why would He grant me my request to be cut off from the vine and left alone to wither? When I study the life of Moses in BSF, and when I consider the great example Mom has set for me, I see that true greatness is difficult to achieve and requires completely surrendering to God. When Dad passed away, Mom (who, as hard as it is to believe, wasn't all that much older than I am now) felt like she had lost everything with no way of getting back on her feet. Yet she discovered the power of trusting in God to bless her, care for her, and lead her step by step according to His will, learning more and more along the way that true peace can only come from Him. As I prepare for marriage, along with several other major changes that will take place in my life in the near future, I must remember that God is the same in my life as He was during Moses' time, as well as in Mom's life, and learn to surrender my desire for self-sufficiency in favor of trusting completely in Him.

11/19: Tiffany and I just celebrated our three-year anniversary last weekend with a fancy dinner at 21 Oceanfront (thanks to recommendations from the guys on the Ferrari forum. Who would have thought the two worlds could actually coexist?). Every anniversary is a good opportunity to reflect on how we have changed and grown, and this year we have more things than ever before to be thankful for as she continues to cherish the engagement ring on her finger. Wedding planning has definitely been difficult, but it has taught us many important lessons, including better appreciating each other and humbly considering each other's point of view. The way we have grown in these past few months alone leaves me assured that God is guiding us in preparation for the next stage in our relationship.

11/10: A giant cloud of darkness surrounds me, weighing me down as I struggle to find solid ground to set my feet on. Justice and mercy have been fighting endlessly, but neither victory seems capable of bringing the peace that I seek. As the stinging cold breeze of the holiday season becomes stronger, I know I must not let my past experiences with frostbite cause me to make selfish decisions and hurt others. All I want is to do what's right - what God wants me to do - and feel at peace doing so. Our recent BSF studies about the laws God gave Moses have made it clear to me that while the way these laws apply to modern times is very different from the way they did to the Israelites, our unchanging God is concerned about justice in the social and economical well-being of His people. The same set of laws also make it clear that our God is compassionate and caring to those who are weak or innocent. I can say with a clear conscience that I am now rightfully entitled to a significant amount of compensation. But it stands right on the edge between justice and mercy. Pursuing the compensation would cause harm to people who, in all honesty, had no intention of doing any harm in the first place. But cancelling the debt would leave me a slave to my own weakness. I can't help but remember that many years ago, a similar situation took place in which I was the wrongdoer. Yet in the end God miraculously executed a plan so that the unintentional wrongdoer received mercy, the wrong received justice, and both were at peace. I want to forgive as I have been forgiven, but it makes me feel no more at peace than the pursuit of full justice would. I pray that God will once again perform a miracle, but am greatly tempted to take things into my own hands and speed up the process. I have stood with the weight of a full armor and an arrow in hand, ready to shoot at any that deserve it in the name of justice. But time after time mercy has prompted me to put the arrow down. Still, each time I did so, I felt more regret than peace, and my desire to shoot grew. How much longer must this battle rage on? My frostbitten scars constantly urge me to take my shot, but my conscience assures me that hurting those no less guilty than myself will only lead me further from the true peace that my heart desires. Where, oh God, is your peace in the midst of this storm? Please, if You are willing, hold me back from causing any harm. Help me to find peace in You, along with wisdom to proceed. This battle will be won, and may the victory be not mine, but Yours.