06/22: Platonic Friendships

My history with friendships is quite different from that of most of my peers. For the first decade and a half of my life, I didn't really have any friends. And when that finally began to change during my high school years, a very clear trend began to surface - The majority of my friends were of the opposite gender. I believe it's partly because my hobbies were (and still are) quite different from that of most guys, and the fact that I preferred to simply sit down and enjoy a nice conversation rather than play sports or video games made it easier for me to connect with girls and for them to connect with me. It was also because, during the time when I was most desperate for social acceptance, most of the people who I felt truly accepted me were girls. Okay, fine, physical attraction as a teenager probably fit in to the equation somewhere too. I never thought of having female friends as a bad thing, and I enjoyed being someone they could trust as a brother without worrying about drama or ulterior motives. But throughout the years, a question had always bothered me - What would happen to these friendships when the day came for me to make my commitment to one single girl in a romantic relationship?

Well, as crazy as it may seem, that day has come. Tiffany and I have dated for over three and a half years, and very soon we'll seal our commitment to each other as a married couple. While I once often tried to run away from the potential problems of platonic friendships, being in a relationship has really brought the issue into the spotlight. And I'm glad it has, because the years I've spent with Tiffany have taught me a great deal not only about dating and marriage, but also about true friendships.

I believe platonic friendships are definitely possible, and can even be beneficial, before and during a romantic relationship. Let me make one thing clear first - My friends, whether male or female, will always be my friends, regardless of whether I'm single, dating, or married. Even if we've lost touch for many years, it's not too late to cross paths again and catch up. The only times I've ever intentionally turned my back on friends were when major cases of deceitfulness, ulterior motives, or other issues left me unable to justify continuing to trust them. Otherwise, I believe that friendships, whether close or distant, will always be an important part of my life.

The phrase "platonic friendship" gets casually thrown around so much that, when I looked up its definition for the first time (for the sake of this entry), I was surprised that it's actually spelled "platonic" instead of "plutonic", and that the definition of "platonic" points specifically to abstaining from sexual activity. As one who holds more conservative standards of dating and sex, I've always thought of a platonic friendship as any cross-gender friendship that doesn't become a dating relationship and can openly coexist with other cross-gender friendships at the same level of intimacy. For the sake of this entry, I will use the phrase accordingly.

One big benefit of platonic friendships is that it provides opportunities to genuinely know people of the opposite gender. Our culture has come a long way from the time when marriages were arranged and women were simply expected to silently submit to men. Yes, submission, when placed in a proper context, is an essential component of Biblical marriage. But mutual love and respect requires husbands and wives to know and embraces both each other's unique differences and the generally observed differences between males and females. There are many different ways to communicate the desire to remain friends without romantic interest. I usually met girls at restaurants without picking them up and didn't insist on paying for their meals. I personally never liked the idea of a "first date", because it naturally prompts each party to be tainted by the desire to impress each other and pursue a relationship. Contrary to popular opinion, I believe that the most effective dating/marriage relationships tend to begin as platonic friendships. In the context of friendship, there is a greater tendency to know each other genuinely and care for each other's interests with less unspoken motives. Through many interactions with female friends over the years, both individually and in group settings, I gained valuable insight into how to listen to them, respect their feelings, and care for their needs - things that not only help the friendships grow stronger, but also help me in my relationship with Tiffany.

Platonic friendships also help build up one of the most important foundations of any friendship or romantic relationship - trust. Trust is crucial because it's pretty much impossible for two individuals to literally spend every moment of their lives together, and even if you tightly restrict your significant other's interactions with the opposite gender, the truth is that temptation will always be out there. If you can't trust your significant other when you're not together, then your relationship will ultimately be built upon fear rather than love. When Tiffany and I first began dating, we quickly realized that we both have good friends of the opposite gender, and that we don't exactly want to suddenly banish them from our lives. Yes, the needs of the romantic relationship should always take higher priority, and that means some boundaries have to be drawn. For example, it's probably not a good idea for me to spend excessive one-on-one time with other girls or stay up until 3:00AM talking on the phone with them, even though I was no stranger to those situations prior to dating. And in the situation that I do meet up with a girl or enjoy an extended conversation, I make sure to do several things - Let her know that I'm already in a relationship (if she doesn't already), tell Tiffany openly about the interaction without hesitation or delay, make Tiffany aware of the background of the friendship (how we met, how long we've known each other, what our friendship is like today, etc.), and, when possible, arrange an opportunity for them to meet each other. For the most part, we prefer to have each other present while hanging out with our platonic friends. After all, if the friendship is intended to coexist healthily with our relationship, then what is there to hide?

In fact, as long as trust is being built and no boundaries are being crossed, meeting each other's friends can be a huge blessing to our relationship. When Tiffany and I were in the early stages of dating, we had the opportunity to meet several of each other's friends, including platonic friends. I was surprised to discover that some of my female friends began connecting better with her than they did with me! Throughout the course of our relationship, many of our individual friends became mutual friends, and they play a crucial role in offering accountability, encouragement, support, and understanding. It brings me great joy to see Tiffany spending time with friends who knew me first, even without me there. As a girl, she can understand, encourage, and care for them in ways that I can't. And as a friend who strives to care for their best interest, what more can I ask for?

Unfortunately, not all platonic friendships will work out in the long run. In fact, being in a relationship often shines light on issues in friendships that may have previously been hidden. When involved in a committed relationship, the needs of the relationship should always take first priority. And that may mean that some difficult choices regarding friendships will have to be made. I'm glad to say that almost all of my female friends embrace my relationship with Tiffany. But there have been some who were persistent in making the friendship exactly the same as it was before, viewing my romantic relationship as more of a burden than a blessing. I can't expect all my friends to become as close to Tiffany as they are to me. But when they refused to acknowledge my relationship status and chose to present themselves as competition, I was forced to pick sides, and my choice was made very clear.

But given that my friends are willing to accept or embrace my relationship status, I can again say confidently that as long as they are willing, I will always embrace them as my friends. Sure, the dynamic of the friendship may be different, and a greater degree of discipline and mutual respect is needed. But the end result is definitely a huge blessing. In the past when I wrestled with the issue of platonic friendships, I often feared that someday when my female friends all have boyfriends/husbands, I will no longer be a part of their lives. But I've come to understand that true friendship is about so much more than just the friendship itself. In the same way my friends have been so supportive of my relationship with Tiffany, I want to do my best to encourage them as they enter into dating and marriage, being a blessing to their relationships and significant others as they are to mine. With that in mind, I look forward to many more years of long-lasting friendships as we celebrate the journeys of each other's lives together.

06/11: 2015 Hyundai Sonata - The First Three Months

After having owned and driven the new 2015 Hyundai Sonata for three months, the feeling of having a brand new car hasn't completely worn off yet. Some people say that it still smells new, probably because I've managed to largely curb my old habit of driving with the windows down for the sake of keeping the interior clean. The little jingles that play each time I enter and turn off the car always help prepare a relaxing environment. So far, the Sonata has not left me with any regrets.

The exterior design of the car has really grown on me. I already liked it in the beginning, but as the weeks passed I came to find it increasingly pleasant. Sure, the previous-generation design was more unique. But the current one looks less polarizing and more mature. The only thing I'm not a huge fan of is that the rear three-quarters view looks a lit bulky. But at least it means I have more interior and trunk space.

Upon doing some more research on the Sonata shortly after purchasing mine, I was a bit disappointed to discover that the current car actually has less horsepower than the previous-generation one. But the most important thing isn't the numbers, but rather how those numbers translate to on-road performance. The Sonata is definitely not a sports car (despite being labeled a "Sport" trim), but Hyundai managed to get enough low-end power out of the 4-cylinder engine to justify the intentional drop in horses. Having transitioned from driving a V6, I'm quite surprised at how content I am now. And when it comes to sudden braking or swerving to avoid unforeseen obstacles, the brakes and grip are fantastic, too.

I was pleasantly surprised to discover that upon activating "Sport" mode, the car's character really changes noticeably. The "Eco" mode is a great option too, one I often use to save fuel during routine cruising. On days when the commute gets a little too boring, switching around the modes always adds a little touch of excitement.

If I had to be picky, there are a few things I wish could be improved. The cruise control seems to have trouble choosing gears wisely, especially when the car is on a slope. The center console could use a little rearranging too, since I often have trouble adjusting the A/C controls without taking my eyes off the road for longer than I feel comfortable doing. Personally, I think it's more important to be able to adjust the temperature (and defroster) while driving than to be able to switch radio stations on the screen while driving. But I guess with most screen-based layouts, it only makes sense to put the screen at eye level. And I'm very thankful that, unlike many modern cars that are excessively complicated in terms of technology, the Sonata actually has a fair amount of actual buttons that operate just about all of the important functions.

When comparing directly with my old car, there are really only two things I find lacking in the Sonata - a sunroof and better audio system with a multi-disc CD changer. But with today's technology, having Smartphone connectivity and a USB port makes much more sense than being able to load a bunch of CD's. And everything else is available on higher-trim Sonatas - for more money of course. The bottom line is that for the price of this car, especially the discounted price I was blessed with, I really have no right to complain.

I'm still quite surprised that the new Sonata is still not all that common on the road. It's definitely a great car, a little more unique than many other midsize sedans but still able to elegantly blend in as a daily driver. Only time will tell how the car will treat me over the months and years to come. But given how much of its hardware is based on the previous-generation Sonata, it's assuring to see how many of those are still enjoying daily road use. So far, I definitely don't regret this purchase, and I look forward to the many miles that still lie ahead.

06/09: As of last Thursday, I've officially moved into the new apartment in Monrovia. Thankfully, the second fridge delivery (on Saturday) was problem-free, opening the doors to countless new possibilities, including stashing up some cold beers, storing oh-so-precious leftovers for future consumption, and yes, learning how to cook! In fact, there's already a bag of dumplings that I'm about to enjoy for dinner tonight.

I'm glad to know that the commute to work from here isn't quite as bad as I had expected it to be. It's still much longer than the old commute, but at least rush hour traffic doesn't really get in the way. In fact, during my first attempt (on Friday morning), I arrived at work more than half an hour early, and ended up going in early simply because there wasn't much else to do. It wasn't until that night that I discovered it was National Doughnut Day, and that I totally could have (and should have) stopped by Krispy Kreme to grab my free breakfast. Hopefully I'll get the memo a little earlier next year...

Even though it has only been a few days here at the apartment, I'm starting to understand more and more why so many young people who live by themselves fall into very unhealthy and undisciplined lifestyles. When it's too hot to go outside, there really isn't much to do except TV, internet, and more TV, all accompanied by snacks to munch on. Video games would have been an option too, had I remembered to bring some over. (Maybe this is God's way of helping me avoid distractions.) Thankfully, with a job exam coming up this weekend, I've managed to keep myself busy with studying, taking care of chores and meals whenever my eyes got tired from staring at the screen. Every once in a while, I'll take a random walk around the kitchen and living room, reminding myself that this is, in fact, my new home.

The reality hasn't completely hit me yet, especially since I still go back to Walnut regularly to visit Mom and help with things around the house. But each time I prepare to go to sleep at night or return home after work, I'm surprised once again that, for the first time ever, I have a place to call my own home, which I'm fully responsible to take care of. Being so close to Tiffany's house means that she can come visit often even when it's not officially date night. After all, this apartment belongs to her just as much as it belongs to me.

One more thing to love about this place? Because all the windows and doors face north and south, the sun lets in enough brightness without creating too much heat. Yesterday it was 97 degrees(!) here, and I managed to survive the day using only a small desk fan. In cooler weather, there's a lovely fresh breeze early in the morning, and even with all the windows shut, the place remains cool for most of the day. Today feels a bit more strange, as if hot and cold were fighting for control, resulting in a weird, breezy but muggy sort of feeling. Either way, this is a pretty comfortable place to be, and things should be even better as soon as I go cook up some dumplings, grab a drink from the fridge, and have a little dinner party by myself. If you happen to be in the area, feel free to give me a call and drop by for a visit!

05/28: Spent the night at the new apartment and took a day off work today to get some important things taken care of. We had signed our apartment contract just in time to catch some awesome Memorial Day Weekend sales, and thankfully I was able to schedule all the deliveries/installations on the same day to avoid taking unnecessary time off work. I admit that during my UCLA days, I had a very negative view of apartments, probably because most of the ones I'd seen were messy and cramped, and most stories I'd heard revolved around mile-high piles of dirty dishes, drunk frat guys, noise complaints, crazy roommates/neighbors, and all kinds of disasters. I've learned over the years that apartment life in the real world is not necessarily something inferior to other ways of life, but rather a lifestyle choice that can be just as enjoyable as any other. And after spending an entire day here, I'm definitely beginning to look forward to apartment life even more.

Most of the day was spent sitting here at at the computer editing probably a few months' worth of exotic car videos. (What else am I supposed to do here without internet access?) Thankfully, the iMac, despite being heavy, is very easy to carry around, though I prefer not to bang it around too much because of all the important things it's used for. Mom dropped by for a visit during lunch time, and Tiffany will come over after work so we can go out for dinner. (Even when we're busy, we can't forget date night!)

As for the deliveries/installations, I've learned from wedding planning and many other things that I should never assume/expect things to turn out exactly the way I want them to. I'm glad, though, that the living room couch/table set is excellent, the master bedroom furniture looks great, and the cable internet/TV has been set up smoothly. The only problem is the fridge, which showed up at 7AM with a big dent on one of the doors. The delivery guys offered to bring it inside first and send someone later to put in a new door at no charge, but I kindly turned them down; without knowing exactly what caused that dent, who knows what other problems may start showing up in the weeks and months to come?

So I guess the apartment won't exactly be inhabitable for another week or so until the new fridge comes, hopefully without any defects. Maybe I'll start staying here sometime next week and survive for a few days with non-perishable foods, simply because I'm already paying rent. We still need to get a dining table, a TV stand, some lights, and a few others things in order to make the place truly inhabitable. But for now, I'm definitely glad things are slowly but surely coming together.

05/22: I believe I've just about reached that point where the wheel is turning fast enough that its momentum helps keep it moving. The past several weeks have been incredibly busy, and let's just say I'm more thankful than I've been in a very long time that I only work part-time now. There has been many frustrating situations to face, but I'm glad those things have all worked out for good. Tiffany and I already have a pretty clear idea of what our wedding day is going to look like. The wedding favors have been ordered, and the box of printed invitations have arrived, ready for Leah and Tabi to help put the magical finishing touches on. (Thanks ahead of time!)

One more big reason to be thankful? As of last night, we can finally rest assured knowing that we have a place to live once we're married. I find it interesting how so many times when God expects us to effortfully seek His will, our efforts don't point directly to the end result, but rather play a crucial role in pointing us in the right direction. Over a month ago, we spent a whole afternoon visiting a bunch of apartments across the San Gabriel Valley, and even though we ended up not choosing any of them, the knowledge and experience we gained from those visits eventually led to us finding a place that best fits our needs. As of last night, the contract has been signed, the security deposit has been paid, and the place is now ours.

The biggest surprise is probably that the apartment is in Monrovia. We had originally not considered living so far north, but as different doors opened and closed (literally and figuratively) in our quest for our first home together, it was clear to both of us that this is an ideal place. It's close enough to authentic Asian food, but carries a more traditional American vibe. It's a fully gated and secured community with spacious parking for both cars. The apartment is a two-bedroom unit, allowing me to set up my music equipment and continue to pursue my God-given gifts. For the price we're paying, the place is spacious and well-maintained, and there is enough storage space that we (hopefully) won't have too much clutter lying around the floor because there's nowhere better to put it.

If I had to come up with legitimate complaints, I guess my only one would be that it's a bit far from my work and my mom's house (where I'm still residing as I have been for over two decades until I get the basic necessities ready in the apartment). But it makes a lot more sense to live closer to Tiffany's job, not only because my commute is against traffic, but also because my current job situation is not permanent. As for coming back to Walnut, let's just say that given how Tiffany and I have been able to meet up for date night every week for over three years, it's really not going to be all that bad.

Just as I had hoped, I will move out to the apartment first, and Tiffany will join me after our wedding. We had known all along that because neither of us have actually lived independently before, moving out together after marriage will definitely result in lots of conflicts due to lack of experience and unrealistic expectations. Sure, marriage will certainly come with its share of hardships no matter how much we try to prevent them. But why not do what we can now to lessen those hardships? Moving out is going to be an entirely new experience, and I really don't know what to expect. But it's time to take a leap of faith, begin a new chapter of my life, and allow God to continue writing this life story according to His will.