04/20: Just over a month ago, I would have never imagined things to be the way they are now. Not only did this whole quarantine thing actually happen, but there's no clear sign of an end in sight. Working from home has turned from an unrealistic idea to a daily reality. If things go as scheduled, I'll only be seeing my office cubicle once this month!

I find it funny that last year around this same time, I was also away from the office for an extended time due to paternity leave. During that time, I came to embrace not only the responsibilities I had, but also the unbelievable amount of paid free time I had. My only regret was not recognizing the precious opportunity until a large chunk of it was already over. This time, I was ready from day one. Yes, I'm actually still working during most hours of the day. (Can't get paid for doing nothing, right?) But even if working from home were so busy that I never have a chance to leave my desk all day, I would have still gained over two hours of free time each day from not having to commute. And that's a huge amount of additional free time that many people can only dream of having each day.

So yes, I've really been enjoying being at home. I've committed time daily to working out (in hopes of not being so darn scrawny) and practicing music. I've found a few online orchestration tutorials that have taught me a great deal about the subject. Also, last weekend I picked up a bunch of my old classical piano books from Mom's house - now that I have an 88-key keyboard, it's only right that I put it to good use, right?

Of course, I can't forget that being home also means more time to spend with family. Tiffany is currently not working (and thankfully still getting paid!), so she and Amias are both home with me every day. As hard as it is to believe, Amias just turned one a few days ago. Needless to say, there was no party. (Maybe we'll do something next year instead.) But it's certainly going to be an interesting story to tell him when he gets older!

As for what I concluded was the most important thing after last year's paternity leave - being commited to God's Word - I admit that in recent times I've been weighed down by a lot of problems that have made it difficult to find motivation. I know it's not right, but there's a lot of junk in my heart and in my life I need to work through first. I'm thankful, though, that BSF has not ceased to meet weekly all this time, and that our church's small group has resumed meeting this past week, all thanks to the power of Zoom. I'd never heard of Zoom until last month, and I had initially assumed it was no different from the million other similar apps out there. But I have to admit I'm truly impressed at how powerful it is in being able to simultaneously handle so many users, deliver clear audio/video, utilize special features such as breaking into small groups (which is super useful for church groups!), and do it all without me having to provide any personal information or be swamped with annoying advertisements. Not too long ago, none of this would have been possible. But we're living in different times now, and this is one of the few times that I'll admit technology is truly changing the world in a positive way. If only I invested in Zoom stocks before the pandemic blew up into what it is now!

The one major difference between staying at home now and staying at home last year (other than actually having to work) is that it's impossible to grasp how long this time will actually last. Personally, I have no problem with being able to work in the comfort of home. But there seems to always be a little voice inside my head reminding me that technically I'm on call to report to the office on any day when there's a need for me to do so, and that at any moment when this pandemic is under control or when my office decides there's no longer a need for employees to stay at home, I'll have to go back to my usual busy life. And that reminds me how important it is to take things one day at a time, and not take anything for granted. Every day is a gift, filled with opportunities to seize. I pray for the wisdom to choose to seize those opportunities and truly make this time count, no matter how long it will last.

03/20: These are definitely strange times. I wake up each morning wondering why I feel the way I feel, or even whether I feel anything at all. Even before these most recent weeks when the whole coronavirus situation really began escalating in the U.S., certain situations in my life, which leave me with an indefinitely long trail of messes to clean up, had reduced me to a point where I honestly don't care whether I live or die. Thanks to some large music projects I'm working on, I've had a good excuse to hide under my headphones for hours at a time and not let life hit me any harder than I was able to bear each day. I'd already been in this mode of hiding from the world and not wanting to go out anywhere or see anyone for several weeks. So I guess with the pandemic prompting more and more government agencies to issue orders to stay at home, my life actually won't be changing all that much.

One big change that is taking place, though, is that in the very near future I'll be working via telecommuting. In my line of work, that's pretty much unheard of. Just days ago, the official word in the office was that while social distancing was recommended and extra sanitizing measures were in place, there was absolutely no talk of possibly working from home. Within a day, that completely changed. And that's when I knew things were really getting serious. Also, just about all my other commitments - church, BSF, etc. - have switched over to web-based meetings. Generally speaking, I'm one of those Neanderthals that consider modern technology more of a distraction than a benefit to society. But this is one of those rare times when it truly shines as a life-changing blessing. If only I had purchased some Zoom shares a month or two ago...

What really bothers me most right now is not that the coronavirus is changing just about every aspect of what daily life looks like, but rather that the issues I'd already been dying to bring closure to, despite knowing that closure may not come for a very long time, are now most likely going to be further prolonged. Even when I'm home, a huge part of me simply can't feel the comfort and ease of being home. I'd rather just push on ahead, one day at a time, shoving all my feelings aside and focusing on whatever makes me feel like my life actually matters, even if it's in very small ways.

Truth be told, there are definitely things I'm thankful for both big and small, including an uninterrupted job income, a Saturday morning trip to Costco that actually went incredibly smoothly and in well-organized fashion, and a visit from Mom that provided not only emotional support but also enough food to last us for weeks. But the increasing negativity in the world around me doesn't help the existing negativity I'm already having trouble coping with. This absurd three-week-long streak of rain certainly isn't helping, either. My negativity has definitely impacted how I treat people around me; generally speaking, I have no problem letting others know I'm not happy and that I don't give a schmuck about whether or not they're happy. I know it shouldn't be this way, but I can really use a little help in finding a way to convince myself otherwise.

As one who doesn't like to blindly conform, I've been among those who felt that people are freaking out way too much about the coronavirus, especially when it comes to binge-shopping or being too easily influenced by media reports. Don't get me wrong - I absolutely believe this pandemic is a serious problem and that the measures being taken by government agencies, businesses, and individuals to reduce the threat are for a good cause. And I'm definitely doing my part to stay safe and healthy and help those around me stay safe and healthy. But just as many people have cited the fact that the flu has killed (and continues to kill) far more people than this virus, I cling to the reality that there are numerous other potentially life-threatening factors all around us that we simply choose to not think about most of the time - natural disasters, car crashes, shootings, unexpected health conditions... the list can easily go on. While we do our part to reduce risk when possible, there's simply no way to fully eliminate risk in this increasingly chaotic world. The fact - whether we like it or not - is that if God believes our time on earth is complete, the coronavirus is just one of millions of ways He can easily bring us home at any given moment.

My assurance - and pretty much my only substantial glimmer of hope right now - is that if God is truly good and sovereign, then He must have a good purpose for every breath I get to take. That's why I'm not giving up. That's why I should strive to cut off all this negativity and know that life is actually worth living. Acknowledging the incredibly uncertain nature of life on earth is not being pessimistic, but humbly coming to terms with reality. But it shouldn't be because I don't value life enough, but rather because I'm surrendering control of my life to God - the only one who actually has any control. That's the attitude I pray for right now. Let's do our parts to stay safe and healthy, make the most of every breath we have, and fully trust in God for whatever each day has in store.